#but some days i feel so paralyzed like
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pleasedontcareaboutme · 4 months ago
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I'm sad today but I can't cry for some reason so
Imma just link songs that make my brain go djis8ekeeikeke9sks so I hope imma feel better and hope you feel good too
everyone thank Imai for music that makes me feel like I am a washing machine
I love it jdiskemeokekwksmsoowowkekejejwn I love BT :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((<(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍💜💜💜❤️❤️💜❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍👁️👁️🤍👁️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️☹️❤️❤️🥹🤍💙🥹💙💙🤍💙💙🤍
some other stuff that make me go nrenejnenene actually idk what that last song is i found it in spotify and it kind of kills ms for some reason but like in a what the hell way. like its kinda good but its not idk its good
uwuwhejwjejwjwjei3iej3jj2jwjejjejejejejejejejeijekke like seriously what do you do when you feel frustrated but cant seem to let it out. imsmsmsmksmekskekejejekejejejejejejejejejjeieieiejjeoeiejejiwiwjwheje i feel so helpless omg.
usually j private these posts but idk maybe it will help me fele better if i post thid but also what tje fuck am i doing and what the fuxk is wrong with me
Sorry please dont care about this
i just idk who to talk to and i cant even explain anything i feel even if somebody listens so imma just scream into the void today
but please dont feel sorry and dont care jm just gonna have my period or some shit but i feel sad andd d notjing takeeess it awas todayysyyyyyyyyyyyy
dmdkdkdkkeororo4o4p4p3oo3o3keo4o4oo3o3o3o3o3oo3o3o3o3oo3o4o4o4orkkrorororkrkrkkrororo4kroro4k3ii3oroeo4oeoeori94949499494o394o4o39299393oei3i3ieiei3i
i want to boop a snooott :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
please boop my snoot :((((((((
im not drunk im just clinically insane
i just want to feel reckless once and act on impulse so imma just Post this
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babacontainsmultitudes · 11 months ago
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
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fujii-draws · 5 months ago
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hey fujii do you wanna hear about a silly little thing i thought of earlier. so you know how in red/blue rescue team, eevee used to be in the "naive" category, whereas in explorers of sky, it's in the "jolly" category? it made me think about ribbons, specifically because of how the rescue team personality test describes the naive trait.
in rescue team, the naive type is described to be someone whos highly curious, and someone who likes rare things. their cheerful and carefree make everything fun for the people around them, but they also have the flaw of being childish, never sitting still, and always being on the move. (it also says that they might be selfish but i dont see that applying to ribbons tbh..)
it seems so oddly fitting for ribbons because her personality does show those traits in particular. she's a silly little thing and her bright cheery personality, and she is childish to some extent. and of course, can't forget her curiosity. especially with how curious she got when it came to dusknoir. and of course, we can't forget about the *actual* definition of naive. naivety in the sense of choosing to believe that dusknoir, despite how his aura flared with malice, bared no ill intent. to think that someone who is so great, so wise, so kind and caring could ever be capable of shattering her world apart.. that was naive. because she believed he was what she thought he was, and because it was her naivety that nearly got her and aimilios killed. you'd think she'd have learned from the drowzee incident where two kids displaying trust in a spur-of-the-moment stranger who coincidentally showed them kindness in their misfortune was a mistake, but i suppose that's what being a naive little child does to you.
(anyways im sorry if this sounds incoherent and out of the blue. have a good day)
DONT YOU DARE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. THE JOLLY AND NAIVE NATURES FIT MY GIRL SO WELL. (Unhinged rant in tags)
#your description for Naive is like a rocket launcher to the chest#THAT… PLUS JOLLY… (Laughing and crying with ease/over-emotional) IS JUST. IT’S HER!! THAT’S MY GIRL!!!#JUST… EVERYTHING ABT THIS. I CANT EVEN ADD ON.#Her naivety being her downfall/falling out with Dusknoir is so heartbreaking#no doubt the times she was happily laying on his neck ruffs; feeling safe and sound— she’d recieve D.Screams that told her the opposite#Telling her to run; to confront him— anything. but she doesn’t. Hell; the girl doesn’t even question him.#(She looks towards Corphish with an annoyed glance when he questions Dusknoir. He did nothing but good for the town. It’s stupid.)#This. plus her past with him in the paralyzed future (although she can’t remember)— expells all doubts in her mind.#She was so relieved watching his float down to the second floor of Wigglytuff’s guild. She wanted to approach him right then and there#And not only that— when they begin to talk to eachother… he isn’t annoyed? he actually humors her? listens to her stupid jokes?#even snarking back whenever she jabbed at him? (Something that made everyone in treasure town look in HORROR.)#only for Dusknoir to reply with a quip of his own? Even when he does get momentarily miffed by her rudeness? he still decides to stay?#Ribbons loved him; to put it lightly. She loved that she finally had someone other than Aimilios.#She loved that he actually stuck around her on his own merit. and didn’t treat her like some pest.#She loved that he didn’t even mind her lack of intellect. sometimes even offering to to slow down and help the dwarf Eeveewith her studies#so at the End of the Day. When he utters those damned six words? before pulling her and Aimilios in?#Her world is shattered. and she resents him for years.#(Insecurity also kicks in; wondering if he was secretly laughing at her jokes and enjoying her company#…we’re all lies. and that he was merely tolerating her. before killing her.)#She killed any and every feeling that told her to distrust the revenant. putting her full faith in Dusknoir#and what did he repay her unyielding trust and naivety with?#a backstab wound. right through her spine and through her chest.
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bookshelf-in-progress · 1 year ago
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How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I should start the story when the story starts instead of trying to tack on introductory worldbuilding?
Seriously. My instincts about when to start the story are almost never wrong. But I always assume the first scene in my imagination requires set-up that people outside of my imagination don't have. So I tack on an intro to set the mood and to set up the plot and characters and world. And it's boring. When I should have just started where I wanted to start so I could weave explanations into a scene where things are actually happening.
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introspectionera · 4 months ago
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girl-bateman · 5 months ago
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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haarute · 5 months ago
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had a bad bout with mother ✌️
#which. hurts.#because she's not a bad person. but she is undeniably someone who has continuously hurt me for the past decade of my life#and doesn't even realize it#and it's only now that i'm starting to realize that a lot of my Quirks™ as a person that i just surrendered myself to are just#responses to my environment and the people around me and how i feel about it.#so it's just now that i'm starting to feel like i can confront them a little bit because#hey maybe i wouldn't be as much of a shut-in if i didn't feel attacked every time i talk to any of you#which perpetuates the issues BY THE WAY#what do you think are the psychological long-term results of having like a 60% negative comment rate on a person every time you talk to the#no wonder i don't feel comfortable talking to you anymore so i don't do it!! we're down to like 0-2 times a day and some days it's all bad!#and why i feel like i can only have a life when everyone leaves me alone !!#i have to slot in food cleaning showering working etc all within the confines of the very specific hours i am left home alone#which gets really difficult when i try to spend as much of my day alone which means i am up enjoying the quietness of the night#which messes up everything else!!#because i just Don't Feel Comfortable whenever I'm not!! and it's genuinely paralyzing!!!!!#and I WISH IT WASN'T. but that's not up to me. and i am just starting to realize that.#because as long as i am afraid of opening my door in fear of getting punched in the face with rejection.#i am not going to be able to move on.#and probably the starting line would be to Not Be In That Situation.#which means i have to put my foot down and try to stop some of this.#but. it's hard. and i am afraid no one will listen to me.#as that is the role that i seem to play nowadays.
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suddencolds · 2 years ago
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nururu · 2 years ago
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just fyi I turned off my discord notifications bc it's just..... overwhelming. and then I forget to check it... so like..... idk... message me on here if u need me to see a message.. still might not check it or respond tho... it's just so overwhelming for me idk how to manage all that. I have like 3 ppl on Tumblr I just haven't responded, like 5 on insta, and 3 ppl in texts, and then I just haven't checked my discord in like 4 days bc that's another can of worms. idk how ppl have the focus or time in the day to handle messaging ppl back so much... bc I know when I do then that person's gonna then respond to me again and I'll be busy at that point and then ignore them again for the next 3 days until I remember and then I feel like shit.... idk man I think we should just destroy the internet and write each other letters again.... it's all seriously way too much for me.
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fappellmoan · 1 year ago
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guys i really dont think i have it in me today.
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mxgyver · 2 years ago
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sylvainlover · 10 days ago
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iamnotlookingidonotseeit · 2 months ago
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sometimes I tell my parents things. often then i wonder why i even open my mouth. but when I keep it light I end up wondering why I can't seem to connect on any real kind of level. and I add another thing to the list for therapy
#my mom is politely skeptical about whether i should be on anxiety meds and i don't even know why i even brought it up#to the woman who says she 'just quit worrying' after she almost died in her 30s#not all of us can just. do that#she said her friend she's been taking care of has anxiety n depression and she 'gets it more now' so i think she was trying to be supportive#but i don't think she gets what i mean when i say i've been full of paralyzing dread pretty much every day since i became self aware#legit i do not know why i brought it up. getting different meds is a thought i've only entertained a little bit for a long while#not really substantial enough to bring up nor really anyone's business but mine#i think maybe i just want to know my family cares. like maybe she could ask 'why do you think different meds would help?'#but our family doesn't communicate like that or at least her part of it doesn't. and me and t learned it from her#we take a side immediately when we don't feel certain and express doubts like facts instead of asking questions#that has been a skill i've been trying to learn#to ask questions before taking a side or forming an opinion even#common sense but not to all#anyway we went back to talking about their upcoming trip#i think the thing we connected most genuinely on was she wanted to know how things are at work for me since it's been stressful#she formed a lot of her identity around being competent and respected at work#and i think she finds it easier to say 'i want you to be successful and secure in the world' than 'i want you to be happy'#i don't think she'd articulate it that way. but i think that's a kind of 'happy' that makes sense to her on a gut level. that she Gets more#she finds comfort and security there and she wants it for her kids too#and i know we can connect on some other things. music. cooking. science. but i don't think she gets me in certain ways i wish she would#i love my mom a lot i just sometimes want her to hug me for longer
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grotius · 4 months ago
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oooo i love when you read/watch/play something and wake up sick with emotion the next morning
#so many quotes are running through my mind its unreal#i feel paralyzed like i dont know what to do with myself orz orz orz#i dont think ive ever read anything with that atmosphere before victor hugo what the fuck man#i think reading it so late at night makes my memory of it feel even stranger like :(#in a way i always enjoy it when a story really affects me but i dont wanna go into a 5 day depression again 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫#but i also know its the first time ive read it blind and ill never get to experience that again so im 👍👍👍👍👍 (lays down on the floor)#i like how i havent even finished the book yet so this isnt even including the 'oh my god the entire thing is over this 1300 page book ive#spent 9 months of my life getting through is OVER'#doing marius type [staring into the distance]#i dont know if i need to keep reading or keep away from it today#im a bit worried about exposing myself to this one page so much in trying to analyze it (cause it feels surprisingly a bit open ended?) th#at i like cant read it anymore with a novel and fresh pov so i get stuck in 1 train of thought#despite constantly complaining about seeing lines in advance i feel a bit like i would have wanted to know a tiiiiny bit more because some#of these lines/details were so upsetting and surprising i have WAY too much to process now#i hope honeyheadbanger didnt open the tags. this is about the final ~8 pages of the barricade#i should make a less vague post when we're at the same part#i have one thing left to say: Enjolras........#appelflap.txt
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fettery-fetterie · 4 months ago
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Post cancelled it was #tw bad
Except this:
Tostito: *head in hands* oh my fucking god
#perceptive little crow#i don't know#i should probably use codenames for these bastards#anyways#ive been thinking lately about how the whole dev cycle think may affect hl*v and peak#and i specifically say those two bc I don't think that'd be something anyone else would knew about?#except teo but that's bc she's god's specialest lady#anyways what im trying to say is that it'd be very funny if like. each of them ended up different approaches on how to handle the thing#you have hl'v who has gone through all of them. ultimately making him numb and neutral about the whole thing#i think he might have even accepted it as a part of his life. just something that'll happen at some point#so all he does is try enjoy what was given to him and call it a day when it crumbles down#peak has only gone through 1 or 2 and then escaped (don't ask how idk either) and then he came back and now he's like. oh life is worth liv-#wait what if it all goes down like those two times. wait no wait I don't wanna do this anymore im scared-#and like. he tries to enjoy life as well but he's ultimately so fearful snd paranoid it doesn't allow him to. yknow. actually do something#for himself#he'd be so paralyzed by the idea of anything he could do at that point being ultimately worthless and a waste#it's hard to explain but i feel that'd end up in him not accepting any kind of change#and whatever change comes must be directly from his own hand only to feel a bit of security over knowing it was something he did himself#im losing my train of thought (getting sleepy) and im just rambling but y'know#fun stuff to think about
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lovsome · 11 months ago
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big venting ahead :-{
#depression tw!!#sh tw!!#the last few days have been some of the hardest ive had in a long time#i feel like i always say this but it feels true every time tbh….#i feel like my brain is collapsing on itself…#just . very very bad thoughts and my head kinda going crazy and i guess partially acting on those thoughts#which is very very depressing tbh. i feel like im not gonna make it#ive been somewhat paralyzed these days. 80% of the time im awake i cant move. i have some moments when i can like get up and eat something#or something like that but other than that i spent all day yesterday sitting at my desk literally staring at the wall#because even moving a finger seemed like an impossible task to complete#and then last night i started spiraling and for the first time in a long time i could picture the worst possible thing i could do actually#happening#so i just cried. and cried. and i got in bed because that is the only place where i feel somewhat safe. from everything else but mostly#myself…#it doesnt help that no one cares#i was supposed to meet my friends to but#buy* stuff to cook for new years eve today but i texted them that i was having a crisis and i didnt think id be able go get up and go today#and it was implied and i also said that i was struggling but there was no response to that#there was barely any response at all#and this happened time and time again and when i tell my therapist shes always like#why dont u tell them? why dont u tell them that this behavior hurts u#and i just cant bring myself to do it. like i cant fathom hearing a close friend telling me that they’re struggling with depression and not#saying anything in response.#and i wonder maybe theres something about me where people just dont give a shit if i live or die basically#and i cant force someone to care about it thats why i dont say anything. but it sure as hell hurts#anyways.. i hooe today wont be as bad as yesterday
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