#i need to see your body langusge and everything when we talk
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just fyi I turned off my discord notifications bc it's just..... overwhelming. and then I forget to check it... so like..... idk... message me on here if u need me to see a message.. still might not check it or respond tho... it's just so overwhelming for me idk how to manage all that. I have like 3 ppl on Tumblr I just haven't responded, like 5 on insta, and 3 ppl in texts, and then I just haven't checked my discord in like 4 days bc that's another can of worms. idk how ppl have the focus or time in the day to handle messaging ppl back so much... bc I know when I do then that person's gonna then respond to me again and I'll be busy at that point and then ignore them again for the next 3 days until I remember and then I feel like shit.... idk man I think we should just destroy the internet and write each other letters again.... it's all seriously way too much for me.
#but i want to talk to ppl....#i dont want ppl to quit messaging me or anything#some days im normal and can respond#but most of the time it just paralyzes me#part of the reason is bc i dont know how to talk#going thriugh my bullshit and being half mute for a yr#and then isolating and keeping myself alive through doing nothing but dissociating and playing idol gsmes#made it rlly hard for me to talk to ppl online#bc i dont know ehat to say or how to talk#and im so scared everyone hates me#i need to see your body langusge and everything when we talk#or else im going to think everyone thinks im stupid and hated everything im saying#when ppl stop responding in group chats the moment i start talking in them?#it truly makes me think everyone fucking hates me and wants me to shut up#ive been so severely abused by 99% of the people i love/have loved#and my rsd is so bad#like so so so so so bad#and even still#ppl i love do things on purpose to make me feel insecure#and don't put an effort in to reassure me#so im just paranoid 24/7#the abuse i faced from ppl i love is something youd see in a horror movie#or some really fucked up book about abuse#its so disgustingly sinister and evil its no joke#its hard to come back from#i truly dont think i ever will#i know my friends love me and i know this isnt fair of me#but it's hard#my whole entire life#id think someone loved me and then theyd do ghe worst thing imaginable&then abandon me&tell me they hated me and i never even knew why
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