#I literally get so anxious and think everyone hates me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

introspectionera · 5 months ago

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#just ignore this but I have put myself into bed and I am paralyzed with anxiety and sadness lol #It’s a mix of going back home tomorrow and period emotions #my time of the month is always so hard because my mental healths always just tanks lol #I literally get so anxious and think everyone hates me #and I mean I know it always passes and it’s fine and it’s just my period but it’s so exhausting #like I even thought my parents were so mad at mw and hated me the day before yesterday then period came and I’m like oh that makes sense lol #but then I also get v hateful to myself and feel like literally everyone just wants me sexually and that’s it LOL #these are just some thoughts for today but I actually am feeling a lot better typing it all out I think lol #maybe I get out of bed and read my book outside?!!!!

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bandsandwristbands · 1 month ago

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Vent post

#ignore me lol #vent post #I am feeling extremely angry and frustrated and alienated #like of course I'm demotivated when I point out injustice and literally everyone just shrugs at me and tells me to get over it #“what are we gonna do about it”#put any thought into it whatsoever for starters #idk I want to give up #the same bitches that tell me not to kill myself are the same ones to vote my rights away #I hate living #I don't even get validation from participating in fan content anymore #im just anxious and feeling rejected all the time #except for like five very specific moots on here #but then I feel like a fucking failure for not knowing how to socialize or show them that I care without being weird and ugh #idk i'm tired #I feel like I put all this energy into making myself acceptable for everyone else and I go out of my way to be positive and compassionate #and then I get fuckall in return #post election blues ig #here's hoping I don't end up under a bridge #I think I would be a vastly different (better) person if everyone around me wasn't a bunch of complacent #selfish #wet blankets.#I'm getting really tired of being treated like I'm crazy for expecting better.#I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to hear that I need to get over it or that everything will be fine #it doesn't help or mean anything #things just get harder and harder and I'm just waiting around #I'm so srs if you read this far don't try to tell me nice things #im in an evil caustic mood and I will just continue pouring negativity in return

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

#purrs #but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so #fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong #enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long #and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and #consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that #everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered #out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am #forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR #FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY #FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am #the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i #HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help #and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL #delete later

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prismatica-the-strange · 7 months ago

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Nope, I'm still crying

#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me #literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years #i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships #everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me #that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me #but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that #so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time #i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker #no #i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join #but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others #and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me #i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave #so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess #i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join #she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive #I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated #the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me #yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg #the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family #OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to #let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs #at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either #no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are #maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew #graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class #i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for #sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability #prisma vents

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katkitpaddywick · 8 months ago

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(trying out a tumblr vent, don't mind me)

#when will i stop getting fucking COLD FLUSHES of anxiety in flirty interactions #i know it's related to anxiety about having to set boundaries that i don't fully know myself #and the fear of having to communicate when they've changed in ways i don't think the other person will “like”#the stresses of being asexual in the dating scene #i'm talking to a guy at the moment and i'm attracted to him #but he just made a jokey comment about making out which is a totally normal flirty thing to say #but immediately my body has flooded the adrenaline (not in the good way) like i'm being hunted for sport #and i KNOW if i communicate to him that i don't know if i want that he'll probably understand #and i KNOW that most people won't push deliberately when you say you want to take things slow #but there's just such a strong perceived pressure that it takes almost nothing from the other person for that fear to bubble up #i hate hard conversations and i hate not being able to go with the flow on things #and being “difficult”#and i don't know anyone else i can talk to who feels this way for ideas on how to work around it #i genuinely think this is the biggest thing holding me back #after my first kiss i got so anxious and wrapped up in my head because i didn't like it that much; that ALL of my feelings towards that #person went sour and i lost all attraction to them #literally how do you work around THAT #it feels like everyone around me has the physical/sexual attraction to fall back on when they're unsure #but i don't have that #literally what do you even DOOOO with this hhHGHGHGHGUHURGHUGUGHGH

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hazmatazz · 8 months ago

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the worst part of my depression/adhd/whatever is that i love my friends so so much and i want them to be happy but i'm just so tired and anxious and avoidant all the time so i literally cannot respond to Any of them. hell it might not even be my neurodivergency, i had literally One Friend growing up and maybe it's still habit that i can only keep up with one. and i always feel so fucking sad and guilty seeing so many notifications on discord because i love talking to these people, it's just really, really, really hard for me and i'm just so. frustrated

#ouygghuhh i can't even respond to my best friend of YEARS‼️‼️‼️‼️ when they're literally one of my most favorite people ever #and i can't even miss people when they're not around! i CAN'T and i HATE IT. SO MUCH.#i don't have that longing ache that everyone describes when i don't talk to someone for a while. i just think of that person and get anxious #and it's HORRIBLE #i can only respond to irl's because i know i'll see them tomorrow. that's the only thing that sometimes keeps me responding to them #AND I DON'T HATE THEM. I DON'T NOT WANNA TALK TO THEM. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. THEY MAKE ME SOOOO FUCKING HAPPY #i just. can't. i hate texting. i hate texting and calling so much. i hate servers and group chats and ESPECIALLY one on one person chats #i just. can't. i hate it. i hate it so much. because now i feel bad and i have So Many Messages and it's so much work talking to people #even then i fucking Love talking to the person. it's just so much #all i have energy for is to lay down on a person and vaguely listen to things they say. i wish that's all the affection i need to give-#people for them to understand i love being with them. i just want to be a cat where the most affection i need to give is being in the same-#room or making nonsensical noises to them for them to feel alright and loved #because i just Can't make any response. why is it so hard #especially not with So Many People #why do i have to make friends and then get stuck here. why do i have to Make so many when i know i can't keep any #vent

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sureuncertainty · 1 year ago

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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/

#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it #bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things #and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance #that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross #but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that #they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable #but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about #which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies #and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get #i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety #sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time #i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them #but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this #i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice #ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF #LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM #like maybe YOU live in a bad area #but you're just a really loud minority #anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it #win rambles

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loverboybitch · 2 years ago

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hi i would just like to report that getting out of my house and being a member of society is cool and kind of rules even when its scary yeah.//.

#uploads #imjustsittinghere #meeting this at work like actually went well it was really chill and cool to see everyone #like yeah i did embarrass myself trying to introduce myself wehn we all went around idk i got like really anxious halfway thru #talking and sortve just mumbled off the end of my intro but it wasnt so bad i think #at least had good chats with like two people ive only sort of met online and they were nice so : )#literally forgot how nice it was jus to be around other people and do work and stuff its cool. we all had to get new laptops #and were just hanging around the IT station waiting and chatting and i felt a littel more whole than i have been #oddly feeling restored instead of drained and feeling better than i have been the last couple weeks #no idea how long it will last but we can treasure the joy for now #ordered some books i wanted and a bunch of new yarn #plus my new hoodie is finally supposed to get here tomorrow so im pumped : )#still missing alot and a little lonely but ya know what else is new #thank u to everyone for not making fun of me for being vulnerable on my ig story i had to get it out #n truly i really just was like this is stuff i post and say on tumblr anyway why not be a lil open about my feels to my close friends #smtimes its good to be a lil vulnerable even if its scary #very much love <3 :*#oh and also jsut on==unrealted #but i hate that i look better with a fresh clean shaven face cause shaving is so annyoing lol #like i really do look way more cute and handsome i just cannot be fucked to shave more than once a week really or even that often #keep thinking like i should get laser hair removal on my face but no that is far too permenant #what if i look handsome with a beard when im older #but for now i need to toggle that shit off like a video game character i swear #anyway <3 very sleepy just finishing work have a big day of recceving packages and sewing with my friend later #kiss kiss xx

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kimtaegis · 2 years ago

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#tw negativity #today was afwul #I was so determined to finish this paper this week just in time for jimin's comeback #like that was my big goal #I even announced it to everyone I know #but as the hours went by today I realised I'm not gonna make it #and it probably doesn't sound too bad but that realisation really fucks me over rn #I hate the topic I hate the assignment type I hate that I have no idea how to apply my knowledge #I'm overthinking every single detail as usual #and don't know if any of my ideas make any sense #I feel dumb and anxious as hell #it's exactly what I feared would happen for the past two years and why I couldn't even think about it for just as long #this paper's given me more mental damage than anything else in my life so far this is ridiculous #'annie once you start working on it you'll find your flow again! you always been so good at this!'#and now look at me. not being able to do shit #and if that's not enough I also got told that I very likely won't get paid this monnth #*month #because of a missing document from my psychiatric hospital stay #like literally fuck all of this #what a huge fucking joke #haven't felt this defeated in a whole while. and I certainly didn't miss the feeling

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many #obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts #but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so #hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things #bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day #and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of #life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic #bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts #it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like #keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again #its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid #of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating #i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my #brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked #up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at #them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do #this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand #but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe #no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine #at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave #unrelated

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sluttyten · 2 years ago

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Now I sit in my room anxiously for the next hour and a half waiting for tickets to go on sale, and then I drive anxiously across town too

#like fuck I’m nervous and I need to eat something but I’m nervous and that makes it difficult #also I fucking hate making plans with people that I don’t know all that well 😭😭 like yeah I know them at work but not outside of work #and also going places I’ve never been before?? to do things that I don’t do?? the social anxiety has my belly in knots #and then….. I have to show my parents that I pierced my nose and I think that’s my biggest fear about all of this #number one fear actually: not getting tickets #number two fear: me coming home with my nose pierced and having to tell them #I just got home from work and saw my dad was home and was like oh shit bc when I leave I’m gonna have to offer an explanation #but like once I have the tickets purchased then like 🤷🏻‍♀️ what’s my mom gonna do tell me that we’re not going #also like everyone keeps telling me I’m a grown ass adult and I can make these decisions myself #I wonder if everyone at work could see how nervous I was and how increasingly throughout the day I’ve been getting like more nervous and #more quiet but like I feel like it’s equal parts ticket sale anxiety and doing something out of the ordinary that my parents might not #approve of while I live under their roof and all that #but on the bright side my dad just left to go do something so maybe he won’t be back before I leave and I’ll just be like hey I’m leaving #um and I’m getting my nose pierced but I’ll be back soon!!#also though like a source of my anxiety right now is that I have to go pick up one of the people I’m going with and I’ve never been alone #with him not that I mean that in a bad way just an anxious way like I’m awkward as fuck #and the other girl who was maybe going with us didn’t work with us today and she seemed a lil hesitant about it and then I texted her about #what time I’m planning on going and she hasn’t responded but I’m pretty sure she read it #anyway I’m literally like buzzing with anxiety right now over getting tickets first and foremost #ALSO I’m supposed to be getting something from Amazon today and it’s not here yet plus I’m waiting on a trade to get here and I just want #it all to just be here

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unproduciblesmackdown · 26 days ago

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speaking of, was remembering like i think i heard parts of defying gravity in the wild ever but i know popular & uhh. loathing from someone's showtunes playlist & then it's like oh yeah i know Of that one finale duet b/c i knew you i have been changed for good b/c they & a third party who were besties would be like okay if either of us die the other one will sing just one of those parts at their funeral & i'm like when you guys have hourlong conversations in here with me 7 ft away not included i sometimes have a contribution & say it during a long organic pause & nobody responds b/c you filtered me out....in parallel / affinity with being queer (& also not knowing that at the time, half a lifetime so far ago) where it's like okay i don't even want to get in on what you've got going on right now or be involved with that ever but it makes it quite Apparent i'm on a different & lower tier here

#as a bonus not like me & either party wouldn't be considered ''friends'' as well there i guess lol. nor did we ever not have Interactions #nor was there never any attention or effort for me; from me; positive interactions; etc etc etc etc....just like. lol #and the joys of [quoting a fellow autiste] like social situations only ever getting to feel like a nonstop test you're trying not to fail #& Passing enough to get to like be in the room / at the table literally sure not enough / not = being as much a part of it as everyone #noticed i was In A Different Lower Tier / failing whatever tests as Late as: four years old preK. decade later in college: the same #even the Online realms of [we have the same interest] like ran into the same situations even going ''well surely This time'' lol #like at this point i don't find The Power Of Friendship or anything an exceptional Useful or Valuable concept either & like #don't have to hate Everyone Ever Forever By Default nor myself over it. a chill relief like going ''oh i'm not cis'' ''oh i'm not allistic'#did just go like fine i'll do it myself [hones self-esteem] & the people pleasing survival strat comes up constantly so hard to ditch that #but i would always want to do it less & obv do not think i or anyone should Have To. it's for when you don't have the power to trample #(don't disparage it either like umm women Men are doing it Right you should be as Confident as them. upspeak means you deserve it)#but like obviously Not being in power Over others is not bad; yet having to deal with others' power over you Is; in fact; shit....#anyways & then ppl can also go [uh people pleasing is evil. uh being anxious is evil. being affected by trauma is evil]#also Not people pleasing is evil. being Unanxious is evil. being Unaffected is evil. you can just argue whatever against [othered] parties #anything can be pitched as Selfish which is evil. i noticed you aren't literally christ on the cross forever?#anyway like yeah no power of love or any of its subsections; thanks. not the power of romance; dating; partnering; friendship; family....#also the Funeral Planning parties had a falling out a few yrs later; unsurprisingly after [that] & us all being random teens #then i think they reconciled a few yrs after That & that's the last i knew of it. meanwhile me ducking & dodging A Friend Wants To Get In #Touch like ah no that's okay Are You Sure; She'd Really Like To like yeah i bet (this person was abusive. despite the magic of friendship)#don't mind either like as usual the Part Of The Group joking nickname was an insult after you decided my hangout behavior Failed the test #doesn't end up feeling any different like the path from ''well. you're supposed to assume you'll have; & assume you want; Eventual Romance #when like also that's supposed to be everything good & its epitome so uh. no room given to argue otherwise'' to like #oh right yeah i don't want that & never really did. turning that idea on like Friend Groups or Magic Of Friendship like eh. same basically #like in the same vein was like ah that's just something that happens to you when you get older; you gain friends & [default] status #i just have to assume when i'm in high school that'll manifest....have to assume as an adult i'm Married & Career?#meanwhile like understanding & verbalizing like ah yes probably my lifelong search & recognition of & affinity for: [Something Else]

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veunho · 4 months ago

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On one hand, I enjoy working with people bc they're funny and it's nice to have someone to quietly take breakfast with.

On the other hand, IF I GET ROPED INTO ANOTHER DISCUSSION WITH MY BOSS BC THEY CAN'T BEHAVE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE I'M GOING TO START MURDERING PEOPLE

#am I being a manipulative bitch by peer pressurering one of them into doing his job? mAYBE #but hear me out #MAYBE just. just MAYBE y'know? he should be doing it without throwing a temper tantrum like a five yo #like. dude. I wanna go early too I ain't giving u a client last hour bc I hate u I'm giving u a client bc they're asking for u specifically #AND. DUDE. I KNOW U DON'T LIKE KIDS BUT I CANNOT NOT GIVE U KIDS THAT'S LIKE PART OF YOUR JOB #I'VE GOT BOSS BREATHING ON MY NECK BC I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR SHITTY ASS #FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE AND QUIET #BUT U DARE TO GO AND COMPLAIN???? DUDE #AND HE'S SO FUCKING SURE I HATE HIM LIKE BE FOR REAL. EVERYONE THINKS WE'RE BESTIES BC I KEEP DIFFUSING U AS IF U WERE A BOMB #I LITERALLY TELL HIM AND “”ASK“” HIM IN ADVANCE TO ADDING SOMEONE SO HE WON'T GET MADDER THAN USUAL BC I SUPPOSEDLY DID IT “BEHIND HIS BACK”#BE FOR FUCKING REAL #istg im gonna scream #I love the dude he's nice but he has ISSUES man #today I literally had a fucking INTERVENTION from the other coworkers #they were like “hey. he shouldn't treat u like that. Don't take his shit” and my anxious ass can't manage gods #peor que novia tóxica smh

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steviescrystals · 7 months ago

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ignore this post i’m just whining again

#i HATE being new with a passion like it is one of the most uncomfortable situations for me to be in #i had extreme social anxiety as a kid (still do i’ve just learned how to manage it better) that had a huge impact on me in school #i switched schools 3 times between the ages of 5 and 10 and tbh i made friends pretty quickly every time #but i was still so indescribably anxious every time bc i just hated being the new kid so much #and i thought that was all behind me bc at the time it was bc i didn’t know anyone and everyone else already had friends #but as i’ve gotten older that same feeling has come back and this time it’s when i’m starting at a new job instead of a new school #i started working when i was 16 and for the first month or two i was so stressed and uncomfortable all the time #and i thought it was normal bc it was my first job ever #which was reinforced when i was 19 and got another job and the adjustment period was a million times better #but i started working there 2 weeks after the business opened so literally everyone was new not just me #and now i’m realizing that was probably the only reason i settled in so easily #bc now i’ve started another job and i’m right back to feeling incredibly anxious whenever i’m there and it’s driving me crazy #like everything’s been super easy so far and it’s the exact same type of work i was doing before so i already know what i’m doing #and everyone i’ve met has been nice and chill but i’m still so uncomfortable #like every time i talk to my coworkers i’m just thinking ‘oh my god this is so awkward’ the whole time and i can’t stop #and i just feel so out of place and it sucks bc i was so excited about this job and rn i just feel so anxious every time i go to work #and the worst part is i felt the same way when i was new at my first job and (to a lesser extent) my second job #so logically i know it’s just bc it’s my first week and it takes time to adjust and it’ll be fine eventually #but knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away or help me deal with it #like what can i do besides just accepting that work is going to suck for the next month??#the whole thing is just kind of making me spiral bc i desperately needed a new job and this is literally the only one i wanted #but at the same time i’m still so upset about getting laid off from my last job even though it’s been 3 months #and the more anxious i feel at this new job the more i miss my old job #and i cannot allow myself to fall back into the headspace i was in for all of march after losing that job #maybe this is irrational bc it was just a job but the layoff genuinely sent me into one of the worst depressive episodes of my life #so idk i guess i was just really hoping i would love this job right away so i could finally see a bright side to getting laid off #and i mean i don’t have any complaints about the job so far but my anxiety is just making me so unhappy anyway #and i just miss my old job so much and i think about it nonstop and i really fucking hate being new and idk what else to say or do #vent #lj.txt

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talkorsomething · 9 months ago

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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

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pomegranatesarchive · 6 months ago

Text

personal assistant | lando norris

pairing: lando norris x assistant!reader

summary: the one where lando norris is dating his assistant.

liked by user1, user2, and 124,730 others!

f1updates: y/n and lando have arrived for the media day at the british gp. y/n arrived about an hour earlier then lando. both arriving in style!

view comments below!

user3: oh she looks so good

user4: IKRRRR THAT DRESS?? HOLY

user5: sometimes i forget y/n went to fashion school until she shows up in these AMAZING outfits and im like YUP! she knows what she's doing

user6: i see y/n dressed lando today...

user7: ofc she did! when lando shows up in something other then team gear then we have y/n to thank

user8: she did such a good job!! he looks so good🤭

user9: why does y/n always arrive earlier 😕 i want to see them walk in together

user10: she's said the thought of arriving late makes her extremely anxious so she rather just arrive earlier then everyone else 😭

user11: i get her. she is me. i am her. we are one.

user12: y/n dating someone who loves to sleep in while she's the complete opposite is so?? 😭

user13: yns so pretty

user14: i wish i was y/n. or lando. idk i just want to be famous

user15: does anyone know where he shoes are from??

user15: guys pls??

user15: A LOT OF YOU ARW LIKING THIS BUT NOT RESPONDING

user15: JUST TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING SHOES ARE FROM

user15: I HATE YOU ALL

liked by user16, user17, and 62,739 others!

ynandlandoupdates: y/n and lando taking photos with fans after practice today!

view comments below!

user16: is she wearing landos jacket🥹

user17: yea!! there's a video going around of him giving it to her. it was truly adorable

user18: i was there! y/n was so nice and was handing out umbrellas, she was super shocked when people asked her for a photo 😭

user19: pls tell me someone gave her a bracelet or something???

user18: the guy next to me handed her a bracelet with landos name 😭she said she'll never take it off and got super flustered

user20: you guys don't understand how much i love y/n, like handing out umbrellas??? she's for the people!!

user21: people who hate on y/n must be sore losers because how are you going to hate on that beautiful AND KIND woman??

user22: lando with the backwards hat??

user23: what is it with f1 drivers and backwards hats?? max, lando, charles, carlos they always look SO GOOD

liked by danielricciardo, maxverstappen, and 635,915 others!

landonorris: pre-race date!🧡

view comments belown

user24: race week dates are back!! 🤭🤭

user25: ahhhh so cute

danielricciardo: cute ig.

landonorris: jealousy is a disease, get better soon😝

maxverstappen1: remind y/n that we agreed on playing mario cart at 11 pm tonight.

maxverstappen: please.

user26: lando and max this lando and y/n that. WHAT ABOUT Y/N AND MAX?? ARE YOU SEEING THIS ☺️☺️ so cute

landonorris: she has been reminded!

maxverstappen1: thank you

user27: do you think max is sitting by his tv waiting for y/n to join?

user28: oh he totally is

user29: she looks so good??

user30: she literally belongs on vogue, holy

oscarpiastri: bring me back that fancy ice cream

landonorris: no!

yoursername: lando 😡 wait by your room oscar we'll be there in a bit!

liked by landonorris, maxverstappen, oscarpiastri, and 392,947 others!

yourusername: post race date!

view comments below!

user31: lando was so disappointed until y/n came up to him, hope all you y/n haters who think she's not good for him see this and throw up

user32: y/n posting literally NOTHING except date night pictures is truly so cute and funny at the same time

user33: that dress 😍

landonorris: beautiful girl 🥰🥰

maxverstappen1: simp 🫵

maxverstappen1: by the wayyy can y/n play mario cart tonight?

landonorris: yes she can🙄

maxverstappen1: great! ill be waiting

user34: max going from hating to wanting to play with y/n is tooo funny

user35: yns whole aesthetic is so cute

user36: oh to be y/n going on a date night with lando norris after the british gp

user37: y/n and lando running away after the race to go on a date is the cutest thing

user38: SHES GETTING THAT DICK EVERYDAY SHES GETTING THE DICK EVERYDAY SHES GETTING THAT DICK EVERYDAY 😣😣

user39: THAT SHOULD BE MEEE

user40: who do you guys think take these photos?@/maxverstappen1@/oscarpiastri @/ danielricciardo???? who is it 🤨

danielricciardo: i refuse to third wheel.

maxverstappen1: they never like my photos 😕

oscarpiastri: …it's me 🥲

. . .

notes: I'm so sorry if this sucked?? there's like no plot but i wanted to get a lando fic out so here's this!

#lando norris x reader #lando norris x you #lando norris x y/n #lando norris imagine #lando norris fluff #lando norris fic #lando norris fanfic #lando norris smau #lando norris social media au #f1 x reader #f1 x female reader #f1 x y/n #f1 social media au #f1 x you #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 smau

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