#ALSO I’m supposed to be getting something from Amazon today and it’s not here yet plus I’m waiting on a trade to get here and I just want

[sluttyten]

Now I sit in my room anxiously for the next hour and a half waiting for tickets to go on sale, and then I drive anxiously across town too

[engagedtobefree]

I haven’t done a life update in a while, even though there’s been many times over the course of these past several months where I’ve wanted to take to my keyboard and type away. I just haven’t had the time. Things have been a bit all over the place; sometimes in bad ways, sometimes in good ways, mostly in neutral. I have been weaving in and out of stress, hope, anxiety, peace, despondency, and vivacity like a constant thread stitching through life. It’s been a bit nerve-wracking, but I’m doing the best I can.

I’ve been having a lot of financial struggles as this year has progressed, and I’ve finally resigned myself to getting a work-from-home part-time job. I hope to update my resume this week and start sending it out. I’ve been using apps on my phone to make some side cash here and there, but with all the hours I put in and little payoff, my time is better suited elsewhere. I also want to work on some passive income stuff, but that will have to come after I have another job with steady income. I also have some things I’ve been meaning to sell for forever, and I should put those up since it’s the holiday season now. I don’t really ever buy myself anything, and I didn’t even want to purchase the few items I needed for my Halloween costume (luckily I already owned a few things), but I figured life is too short to just put everything towards bills. I also couldn’t afford the vacation I just went on. I can barely afford my groceries. I’ve been using Amazon gift cards from surveys to buy things I need on there. My only monthly allowances are my two book subscriptions and a yoga subscription, which only come out to about $54 a month. I’ve cut back so much on groceries that cutting back even more means either eating more unhealthily, skipping meals, or eating much smaller portions. I’ve resigned myself to start going to food pantries to get a few things. It won’t be a huge help, but if I can knock even $10 off my grocery list every week, that will be something. I was supposed to go to one today, but mistakenly thought they were open until 11:30 when they were only open until 11. I woke up around 9 and got out of bed around 9:25, so I had plenty of time, but I completely forgot about it until 10:30, so I will just go next week. I would be fine financially if I didn’t have my car payment, but I needed a new car last year and I went with the cheapest I could find that was brand new. I’m pretty sure one of my tires might need replacing because the light keeps coming on despite me filling them, which is frustrating. If I taught more yoga classes, that would help too, but I’m not ready to go back to that just yet since my own personal practice has suffered a lot this past year. 

I don’t even know where to start with everything else. I guess I’ll start with Scott. He’s come over to hang out a few times, which is fine. I like being friends. The only problem is, I can tell he still wants more. He always replies to my Snapchat stories (usually with compliments), reaches out maybe every other Friday or so asking if I’m free, then makes sure to compliment me some more once he’s in my presence. He hasn’t tried anything and he’s been respectful, but I think he has hope that he’s going to wear down my resolve and that something will happen between us. It won’t. I made it very clear last year about only wanting a friendship, and that hasn’t changed. Once I make up my mind, that’s it. That’s all there is. It takes me a very long time to make big decisions like the one I made with Scott, so by the time I make it, I am very sure of my answer. I left no room for guessing or doubt. There was one night though that I am kicking myself for. Back maybe 2 or 3 months ago, Scott came over with a 4 pack he thought I’d like. He did good with the drink, I will give him credit for that, but the alcohol percentage per can was almost 12%, which I don’t think he did on purpose. I had 2 cans of those along with another drink or 2, and long story short, I blacked out, which hasn’t happened in like 8 years. I don’t drink that much now that I’m older, so I can’t hold my alcohol well. I resurfaced only once, and I was holding Scott’s arm and chatting away. I am a very affectionate and bubbly drunk. Sober me is not much of a people person, but drunk me just adores everyone. Back in my early 20’s, I would kiss my friends, usually my female ones, all the time. It was always platonically. When I got a boyfriend during that time period, he was still okay with me kissing my girl friends, which was fine with me, as just having a boyfriend would have been enough. Even if I have just one person to give affection to, I’m good. And I am still completely loyal, no matter how far gone I get. That is something that is simply integral in who I am as a person. Obviously now that I’m 33 I’m not acting exactly how I was when I was in my early 20s, but I will still be chatty and affectionate, even if it’s just a light arm touch or something. I am so mad at myself for grabbing Scott’s arm like that though, because I don’t want to send mixed signals. I am not a mixed signals kind of person. I have no desire to lead someone on or to continue dealing with something I don’t want to deal with. I would hope that something like that wouldn’t spark any hope in him, but Scott has persisted despite me giving absolutely nothing else. Hell, he’s persisted despite me setting a very clear boundary for our relationship. I do not know how to handle this from here, because I already previously told him what I wanted. He hasn’t tried anything or asked for anything, so it makes me feel weird to just bring it up out of the blue without a catalyst. But because I don’t want to deal with it, I’m probably going to have to do that. I don’t know. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s frustrating, but I just don’t want to have to deal with it.

Anyway, apparently the night I blacked out, I decided to lay down on my sofa and go to sleep while Scott was still there. I woke up around 8 a.m. the next day, instantly panicked. I didn’t remember falling asleep or Scott leaving. A quick body scan told me nothing happened, and when I went downstairs, I could see Scott turned the bottom lock when he left. I don’t think Scott would do anything to me, but there’s just certain scenarios where I’ve woken up and I’m 21 again and there’s a man’s fingers going in and out of me. I don’t think about it very often, but a part of me still fears that happening again.

Scott hasn’t come over that often, only a few times since maybe the beginning of the summer. There were two nights when he came over where towards the end of him being there, I started to wish he was Chris. I know that sounds kind of weird, and I don’t have an explanation for that, but I felt a really strong desire to be in Chris’s presence and to be talking to him instead. I felt bad because that isn’t fair to Scott, but I don’t think that I would have felt that way had Scott not been hitting on me throughout the night. I don’t want anyone to hit on me except for Chris. Both times, immediately after Scott left, my brain went, “Let’s reach out to Chris!!!” and of course cuz I’m all buzzed I think it’s a great idea. Both times, I told him to have a wonderful weekend. He responded to both some time in the morning, just repeating what I said back to me but with the words changed to fit me instead. However, the second time, he prefaced it with “Ur so beautiful”. That took me by surprise, and I had to stop to process that before reading the rest of his message. He’s called me beautiful several times before, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it, especially since when I went back to look at the pic I sent him (thankfully, I saved it lol), I definitely looked a bit inebriated😑. For whatever reason, when he responds to a selfie of mine, I imagine being in his shoes, opening the picture, seeing what he sees. Even when it’s not selfies and even when it’s my Snap story and not anything I sent directly to him, I wonder what thoughts run through his mind, how he processes everything, what he’d have to say. I’ve never done any of that before, and I don’t know why I’m doing it now. I was a bit frustrated with myself both times for reaching out though. I had decided not to reach out to Chris until I figure out exactly what has been going on, but drunk me had to go and ruin that. It’s not really a big deal, but I thought creating some space would be helpful or beneficial in a way.

My next appointment with Chris is on November 18th, just over 1 week away. I’ve heard from him a few times recently. He reached out to wish me a happy birthday last month, and he responded to my Halloween pics by telling me I look awesome. For well over a month now, I’ve been feeling a certain shift in the air regarding Chris. I don’t know what it is yet; I only know that it’s happening. I also feel that Chris and I will be showing up to my appointment with very different intentions. I don’t know what his are, but I know that mine will be the intention of getting answers. I am not a confrontational or accusatory type of person, so it won’t be anything dramatic, but I do plan to ask questions. It will be more inquisitive than anything else. I have been going over in my mind for some time now how I want to phrase my questions, but I’m still unsure of what I plan to go with. At this point, I am thinking it depends on what sort of opening I have at my appointment, like the context of the conversation. Obviously, I won’t know what that is until I’m actually there. I am hoping to ask him about what’s going on, if he’s leading me on or not, what his intentions are. I also hope to get some answers about the girlfriend scenario, more specifically about when they broke up and if it was before or after he gave me his number and started flirting with me. The second question I anticipate to be a bit more difficult to get in. I said before that Chris doesn’t owe me anything, and he doesn’t, but if he’s been deceitful or at the very least purposely misleading at any point in time, then I do think I deserve honesty about that. He doesn’t have to give it to me, but that does not change the fact that I am deserving of it. I do not know what comes after this appointment. The only thing I can foresee is that this needs to be done, whether I like it or not. 

That brings me around to his girlfriend, or well, ex-girlfriend. I was, for many months, leaving the situation alone. I was hurt, yes, but I saw no immediate way for me to get any answers, so I carried on with my life and put my focus on other things. Of course, my mind still wandered around to Chris all the time, but then I’d reel my attention back in, telling myself there’s no reason to think about someone who is possibly not even single and that there’s also no reason to worry because I can’t change anything and I can’t get any answers yet. That has changed as my appointment has started to loom in the not-too-far-off-distance. So at the beginning of last month, I decided to check her Pinterest account since it’s the only regularly active social media account I could find on her, and to my surprise, she was posting quite often. None of it really gave me any clues though. A majority of it has been crafting and sewing stuff. There was a little craft piano thing she had pinned, but after mulling it over a bit, I decided that wasn’t enough to go off of. For maybe two weeks straight, I was checking a few times a week. About three weeks ago, I started to teeter back, reeling my anxiety back in, resigning myself to simply waiting until my appointment to get any sort of answer. About another week or so passed before I decided to check one last time. My stomach dropped when I saw a day prior, she posted to her “Love” board. That feeling immediately subsided as I clicked because something in me just knew it wasn’t going to be what it seemed. She pinned a quote about grieving the end of a relationship, about always remembering them and remembering what they gave you, but then moving forward by giving yourself love. This was all the confirmation I needed, the confirmation I was looking for, the one that was to turn the tides in a more favorable direction. I paused, processed what I had just read, then waited for the relief to wash over me. It never came.

Instead, what formed was a large knot in my chest. I felt so sorry for her. Immediately, I began to think of my 23 year old self, heartbroken because she believed she just lost the love of her life, that she’d think of him forever, that she was permanently ruined, that she’d mourn his loss until her dying day, that there was nothing and no one better than him and what they had. We were looking at apartments and planning to move in together. I thought we were going to get married one day. The break-up gutted me. I stopped counting how many nights in a row I cried myself to sleep after 2 months passed without a single night of reprieve. I didn’t even really feel remotely better whatsoever until after 6 months had passed since the break-up. When he saw me doing good, he came back around saying he missed me and wanted to try again. I saw him twice before he did a complete 180 and dropped me again. It put me right back where I started. I didn’t get over that relationship ending until about a year and half to two years later, and it took me about three for me to really see the truth of what that relationship was. I realized that he did us both a favor by ending it, that while I cared about him deeply it wasn’t truly love, that he wasn’t a person I really wanted a future with and it wouldn’t have worked between us, and that the right person wouldn’t leave me during a period of my life when I needed them the most. I felt so sorry for her because I know what it feels like and what she’s going through, and even if it isn’t exactly the same scenario and even if she doesn’t come out of it in the same way I did, I do understand in some capacity and I know how much it hurts. I also know it gets better. I went through a similar heartbreak with Scott, even though we were never in a relationship, and coming out the other end of that was also a really good thing. I am so glad things ended. That doesn’t change how difficult those times were though. It sucks when you’re going through it and you don’t see any light at the end of the deep, dark tunnel someone else has forced you down. I couldn’t feel relief at seeing that photo because there was no room for anything else except empathy. I thought it was what I wanted to see, but turns out it wasn’t.

It took me about two days after seeing that picture to realize that Chris was most likely the one who ended the relationship. That made me wonder if maybe I haven’t actually been a second choice. I’ve never faulted Chris for being in a relationship because that would be stupid and unfair, and my mind never even traveled in that direction anyway; my issue has always been if he initiated things with me before he was single and if he was still in a relationship now. Out of the many devastations that came from that knowledge, one has been that I was a second choice, a back-up plan, a safety net to fall back on when the first, preferable option didn’t work out. But what if none of that were true? I mean, obviously, I entered the scene later. What if the original choice couldn’t easily be undone and it needed time to be let go of? It never even occurred to me that Chris would think his original choice wasn’t the right choice. I have only been viewing myself as a possible outlier here, something to be eyed but never bought, a thing to be messed with and not a person to be considerate of. Another thing that crossed my mind is: what if Chris made the right choice in starting this off too early? I started thinking about which was the preferable option: Chris giving me his number while he was still taken or Chris letting me walk out that day without flirting or giving me his number. My reflexive response was to say the latter, but then I stopped to really think about it. What if it had gotten to the point of me asking for his number and he rejected me? Would I have left there mortified? Would I have started going to a different dental office after that? Or what if neither one of us attempted anything? Would I have resolved to go for it the next time or have decided he simply wasn’t interested? Of course, there is that 3rd option, where he could have ended his relationship before my appointment even rolled around. I also started to think about what has been going on on Chris’s end. What drew him to me? How did he know I was interested in the first place? Has anything I’ve experienced happened on his end too? Previously, I immediately assumed there’s no way, that all those weird things I can’t explain were only happening on my end. But what if they weren’t? What if I haven’t actually been alone in this? What if this has all been reciprocal? My thoughts are suddenly shifting in all of these new directions, and I can feel this sort of opening in my chest that wasn’t there before. I guess I never really thought about any of this previously. There had to be something that stood out to Chris beyond him simply thinking I’m pretty. These are all questions for a future day though, assuming all goes well at my next appointment.

I’m not sure when, but for at least over a month now, I’ve been mulling over my past appointments: things that happened, conversations we had, stuff I felt, Chris himself. The result of that has been creating a positive shift within me. It’s like there’s always this tug of war within me between fear and trust, and now the trust side is winning. I do still have things I need to work through and fears about relationships, but for the most part, I have shifted out of that anxiety and into the mindset of staying present with only what is here now. I still have my moments, and I plan to write about all of that soon hopefully, probably on my side blog, which I’ve been neglecting the past several months. There’s a few topics I want to write about on there because they’re so deeply personal and vulnerable, so I’d rather they not be public for anyone to comment on. Not that my long, rambling personal posts are creating any discourse up on the interwebs, but I’d like to completely erase the possibility of that happening, cuz ya know, people 🙄. Anyway, back to the trust thing. The shift started happening many weeks ago, but I do think seeing the picture his ex posted bumped that process up a bit more too. It didn’t have an immediate effect, but I can definitely feel it helped shift me along a bit further than I was. I still want to ask Chris those questions because I want to hear things from him. That’s only fair. Plus, I don’t think I can put any of that stuff behind me until I do confirm things from him and get some more clarity. I think possibly that I simply wasn’t ready before, but now I am. I am tired of always avoiding truths and my intuition just because of stupid messages from other people and society. People are always so caught up in their own ego, needing other people to believe what they believe, live how they live, decide how they decide, think how they think. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m so sick and tired of it and don’t care anymore. I don’t want to live like those people who are only ever in their heads, who don’t believe in the spiritual side of life, who have limited beliefs and mindsets about what is real and possible. I don’t care if anything I say comes off as crazy, delusional, or impossible. I really, truly, do not care anymore. They can stay mad about it. No one has to believe me or believe in me, because I already do. If they’re that upset about my truths, beliefs, or decisions that literally have nothing to do with them, then they’re not focusing enough on themselves and their own life. I don’t want to be like those people and I’m under no obligation to please them, and I’m tired of trying to. 

I am ready for change and I am going to pursue it. I’ve been starting to jump back into astrology, and am just learning about how Pluto leaving Capricorn is ending a difficult 15 years for all of those with their sun or ascendant in cardinal signs (both apply to me). There’s been a lot of hard lessons and upheavals, which have demanded resilience and transformation, but now it’s time to enter a new chapter of expansion, innovation, and liberation. I can feel all of that. My ADHD meds are working great, so I think that’s also helping. I have so much to tackle still, but I’ve slowly been chipping away at getting my apartment clean and organized, meditating daily (sometimes several times a day), getting back into exercising and yoga and moving more, making more time for hobbies, and slowly improving my sleep (the Digital Detox app has been helping me stay off my phone at night). My meds aren’t foolproof, so I still have days that are more difficult than others, but overall, I’d say I’m in a pretty decent place. I’m also stepping out of perfectionism a bit more, shifting my mindset into following the belief that it’s better to do something imperfectly than not at all. I’m very excited to continue down this road I’m on.

I’ve been shifting my thoughts in other ways too lately. Recently, I’ve been starting to change the way I view my physical appearance. It’s more so at the beginning stages, but it’s something at least. I know I’m not conventionally attractive. While when I was younger, there was a period of time where I thought I was ugly, I no longer think that. I know I’m pretty, but I know I’m pretty in an average sort of way. There’s been a handful of times throughout my life where people had something mean to say about my appearance, but those have been greatly outnumbered by the really nice things people have said to me in regards to how I look. At times, especially when I was much younger, I considered all the different surgeries I might get: breast implants, nose job, lip lift. As time went on, I decided against them, and while I still struggle sometimes with accepting myself, I no longer want to pursue going under the knife. I might be open to it once I’m an old lady, but by then I might not even care at all lol. I don’t get hit on that often, though I also don’t really go anywhere to get hit on, and if I do notice someone interested in me, I act like I don’t notice. When I was at my friend’s Halloween party, a younger guy came up to me and started flirting with me while I was standing off to the side by myself (I was mingling too, just had some moments where I wasn’t lol). He jokingly told me he knew I was standing there with my axe to look threatening to keep all the fellas away. I thought, “Hell yeah, this dude gets it”. I wasn’t purposely doing that, but I enjoyed the idea that I could look threatening, even though I know I don’t look that way at all lol. We shared a few laughs and after I didn’t reciprocate any of his flirting, he wandered off. It made me realize I probably would get hit on more often if I went out more, but I don’t want to get hit on so I will not start going out more often any time soon lol.

Recently, Youtube randomly recommended a video to me about the downside of veneers. I never really knew what exactly veneers were since I never cared to look into it. I was horrified to learn that this is a common thing people are doing, where they’re getting their perfectly healthy, normal teeth filed down to put fake, porcelain teeth over top. People thinking their teeth were so unattractive that they needed to get rid of them altogether blew my mind. As someone who always gets told they have “perfect” teeth, I myself am not attracted to the same. I mean, not that I want someone with a bad mouth, but some crooked teeth will get me looking, in a good way. I do tend to sometimes look at people’s mouths when they’re talking, because I just think teeth are cute. I like seeing all the different teeth out there. I do this with everyone, so it’s not me doing it because I find them attractive or am checking them out in some capacity; I simply like the way teeth look. I’m happy my mom got me braces and I don’t mind how my teeth look, but even if she hadn’t done that for me, I can't picture myself ever doing something like getting veneers. Another thing I found out is that people get their irises dyed or get fake lens implants to change their eye color. I thought that was even more insane than the veneer thing. Looking through images, I saw a lot of people getting it done were people of color, and they were usually opting for light blue or green eyes. The green, if not too light, looked okay sometimes, but the blue looked really weird. The rest of their features are darker, so the blue didn’t look right at all. On any of them. My mind immediately went to, “What is wrong with brown eyes??? Or hazel????” I have always been complimented on my eyes and tbh, I do think they’re my best feature. In the light, they are incredibly blue. I’ll never forget when I was working at Wendys as a teen, an older gentleman walked up to order and when he looked at me he said, “You have the bluest damn eyes I’ve ever seen”. The eye color I think is the nicest though? Brown. Yet, there are people getting rid of their brown eyes, giving themselves all sorts of issues like glaucoma just so they can feel more attractive. Any eye color can be attractive to someone. There’s no one-size-fits-all.

Finally the last thing - that I saw most recently - was regarding lips. I’ve always liked my bottom lip, but have always been incredibly more scrutinizing of my top one. I have a pretty pronounced cupid’s bow, so the top points of my lip are more pointed, like mountain peaks. I’ve never liked it. I don’t like how they look when I talk, especially. I’ve never been a huge fan of wearing red lipstick because more than any other color, even darker shades like black, I feel like it becomes more pronounced. I think my lip shape looks fine on other people, like Taylor Swift for example, but I’ve never liked it on me. I’ve always wished for softer, more rounded lips, like the ones all the makeup trends are trying (and failing, imo) to recreate, and the ones that get touted as beautiful in the media (see Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie - in regards to shape, not size). So then I’m on Reddit, scrolling through some random sub (I don’t even remember what it was, I somehow got from the Wicked movie to Ariana Grande posts, so I think it was some sort of celebrity sub, which is super random cuz I don’t usually care about celebrities), and imagine my surprise when I see a comment with someone saying how they find strong cupids bows attractive. I was even more surprised by all the upvotes and people commenting back in agreement. It has never occurred to me in my entire life that someone would find my lip shape attractive. Never. Then I go to Google, and apparently my lip shape is found attractive by so many people, viewed as “classic” and “romantic”. There’s even a surgery people get to make their cupid's bow more pronounced, and it’s pretty popular. I was completely dumbstruck. A feature I have disliked my entire life people are going to plastic surgeons to recreate. All these features I have that people are paying money to get, ruining their bodies and changing themselves when there’s literally nothing wrong with them. It blows my mind. I had to wear lipstick for my Lisa Frankenstein costume, and it was the first time I put red lipstick on and actually felt excited about it. That was probably also partially due to my excitement about dressing up as Lisa, but I know part of it was because of this too.

It’s also very strange to me how people judge others, like using that on-a-scale-from-one-to-ten thing. Ever since I was a teen, I can remember not liking how people do that, mostly because I heard men utilizing it more than women, but also for other reasons too. First off, when is anyone ever a “10”? I feel like it just sets people up for failure. Also, judging people based solely on appearances is such a shitty thing to do and is so incredibly harmful. Truly. On the same day as I was on that other Reddit post, I ended up in that one group where women rate famous women’s appearances (I forget the name of the group, but there’s also a men’s equivalent where they also rate famous women - it also might be where I saw the Ariana pic), and someone rated Princess Diana a 10 based on more than just her looks, and a few people kept coming at them for it. I don’t get it. Apparently - and I’ve heard this many times - when people are rating themselves, they tend to rate themselves higher than how others perceive them. On my best days, I’d say I’m like a 6 at most, so not really sure where that places me in the reality of things. I just think it’s overall such a terrible thing we do to each other, to judge and point out what flaws aren’t making us look our “best”. Like, what are other people supposed to do about it?? They can’t help what features they were born with. This is why people turn to plastic surgery so often now. Humanity can be so very disappointing.

Anyway, moving on. Another exciting thing that I found out in September is that I qualify for Italian dual citizenship as a person of Italian descent! It’s called jure sanguinis (sometimes also spelled as jus, or even iure, probably because there’s no j in Italian - though the word comes from Latin). There’s a ton of criteria that has to be met and Italy just made a major new ruling that unfortunately disqualifies a ton of people. I know I qualify through my great-grandmother (GGM), but I am waiting to find out if I qualify through my great-grandfather (GGF). It’s easier and less expensive to go through a male ancestor than a female one, unfortunately. This is because prior to 1948, Italy only recognized Italian descent as being passed down through males, so the Italian courts can still reject applications based on the fact that a female ancestor gave birth to your next-of-kin if it was prior to that date. I mean, is a law really abolished if you’re still upholding it in some way, shape, or form? I’d think not, but what do I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I’d also need to hire an Italian lawyer to handle my case if I went through my GGM, which is why it’s more expensive. So even after acquiring the extra paperwork, taking the extra steps needed, hiring a lawyer, and paying extra money, you can still be rejected. Gotta love sexism. This is going to be a long, grueling road ahead either way. I’m most likely going to need to get documents amended since they were just putting any old thing on documents back in the day, and this is regardless of whoever I go through. 

Prior to August of 1992, Italy did not allow dual citizenship, so if Italians wanted to become US citizens, they had to give up their Italian citizenship. Italy allows descendants of those Italian immigrants to reclaim their citizenship, but there’s a lot of criteria to meet. So the main criteria is that your Italian-born ancestor didn’t naturalize (become a US citizen) before your next-of-kin was born, or that they didn’t naturalize at all. If your Italian-born ancestor came over as a minor (under 21 according to Italy prior to March 1975) and their parent naturalized, that naturalization automatically passed down to your Italian-born ancestor. This is what’s known as “the minor issue”. It can be a means for being rejected, but not necessarily. However, the new addition Italy just made on the minor issue is that if your next-of-kin was a minor when your Italian-born ancestor naturalized, it is automatically a disqualification. For example, my GGM came over here as a minor with her father (my GGGF). If he naturalized while she was still a minor, then she automatically naturalized too. However, my application for citizenship can still be accepted despite this because the Italian government usually views it as involuntary naturalization and is therefore not disqualifying. My grandfather (GF) is my next-of-kin, so if both of my great-grandparents (GGP) naturalized while he was a minor, then I would automatically be disqualified to gain citizenship through jure sanguinis. However, if only one naturalized while he was a minor, I can still go through my other GGP. So if your Italian-born ancestry had to involuntarily naturalize as a minor, you might still be good, but if your Italian-born ancestor voluntarily naturalized while your next-of-kin was a minor, you’re not good. Idk why they made that addition to the minor issue, but it’s fucked a lot of people over. It was really sad to see people posting about how they spent so much money and put in so much work over the course of many long years just for them to now be disqualified. I feel so sorry for them. 

My Italian ancestry is on my dad’s side, so my line of descent is: my great-grandparents  -> my grandfather -> my father -> me. (I know I have some Italian through my grandmother on my dad’s side as well based off of my DNA tests, but it would be through her father and  we don’t know who he was, so I can’t go that route.) I do not know yet if my GGF naturalized or not. I submitted a request to the US records branch to do a record search and also reached out to local branches in the places he lived. The US branch hasn’t responded back yet, and it usually takes on average about 3 months to a year to get a response from them. I submitted my request at the end of September. The Philadelphia branch had no record of him naturalizing there, but I have to check with them again in December. The local branch in NYC just closed and all of their records are being sent to the Philly branch, but they aren’t expected to be ready until some time in December. Sometimes it’s possible to find naturalization records online for free, but I couldn’t find any for my GGF. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist though, cuz not every single record has been uploaded. I did find my GGM’s naturalization card online, showing that my GGM naturalized in 1944. My GF was born in 1915, so he was an adult when she naturalized, meaning that I can qualify through her, though it’s not a definite approval because of the 1948 thing. Another issue I have is that my GGM went back to NYC to naturalize and used her old address from 20-something years prior. I’m guessing she didn’t know she could have gone through Philly, like maybe she thought she had to do it through NYC since that’s where she first immigrated to. That’s why I’m also thinking my GGF probably did the same thing, hence why there was no record of him naturalizing in Philly. I don’t blame them for that because there was most definitely a language barrier and also our government is not the best with making things very clear even for their native English-speaking citizens, but I do foresee that as being a pain in the ass to work around. Also, if my GGF never naturalized, I would have to get his death certificate amended because it says on there he was a US citizen. There’s a ton of other info I could write about this, a bunch of other hurdles to navigate, and a few more potential disqualifiers (they don’t apply to me), but it would take me the rest of the day to write about all of it, so I’ll end that bit there.

One thing I saw a few times in a group I’m in is people feeling bad about going through this process, like they’re destroying what their ancestors worked hard for. I was completely baffled and shocked to see that sentiment, and when I read the responses, I wasn’t the only one. Firstly, our ancestors didn’t have a choice. They had to choose one or the other: either they became a citizen of the country they moved to or they stayed a citizen of their birth country. It was one or the other. Secondly, how do we know they wouldn’t have kept both if they had the option? Seeing as it took my GGM almost 40 years after she came here to naturalize, I think it’s safe to speculate that it wasn’t the easiest decision to make. In modern times, we now have the privilege of having both citizenships. It’s really confusing to me to see how people think sometimes. Like, the place where my mind went was how cool it is that decisions my GGP made for themselves over a century ago to chart their own path forward is also affecting my own path in the present. That is so fucking cool to think about. My GGP both came over in 1905, and the requirement back then was that they had to live here for 5 years before they qualified for naturalization. Them deciding to wait much longer has the potential to greatly benefit me in the present. This would literally be life-changing. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to live in Europe, but I never wanted to just give up and leave my life here to do so. This is a wonderful alternative route. Being of Italian descent (doesn’t matter if you qualify for jure sanguinis or not), if I did move there, the wait time to become an Italian citizen is a lot less than those who are not of Italian descent: only 3 years vs 10. If I went through jure sanguinis and moved there, I could improve upon the 3 year wait time too, since the application process would be much quicker. I believe it would only take around 3 months to get approved compared to the insane wait times for US residents, though it could still be delayed over there too for whatever reason. It is generally much quicker though. For US residents, I’ve seen people say they waited anywhere from like 1-4 years for approval after submitting their docs, depending on the Italian-American consulate they had to apply to. The Philly branch, which is the one I’d apply through, from what I’ve read, is one of the faster ones. The lengthy wait times are fucking a lot of people over right now with the new ruling for the minor issue. People who submitted their applications years ago and were waiting on approval are now being denied based on the new ruling, which is really messed up. I think it should only apply to people who submitted after the new ruling took effect.

It’s already been worthwhile to simply trace my GGP history. They both came over here two months apart and were from the same region, but they never met until they were in NYC. One day, I decided to see where exactly their towns were located. They were both from the Foggia region, and when I looked up their towns, I noticed they seemed very close to one another. Turns out, they were only a 2 hour walk away from one another, which today is about an 11-12 minute car ride. How crazy is that??? I also found their names on the Ellis Island website. My GGF came over here alone at the age of 20 to stay with a cousin, and my GGM came over here with her father when she was 14 (still have to confirm my GGGF didn’t naturalize while she was still a minor, though I’m guessing she didn’t since I found her naturalization card). I also found a picture of them that someone uploaded on Ancestry. I can tell who my GGF is in the photo, but he’s standing next to two women, so I’m unsure who is my GGM. Oh, and also, their names are Leonardo and Angelina 🙂

My original plan for doing this was to some day, maybe 10 years or so into the future, have a second home. Obviously, I am incapable of affording that now, but this will take many years to complete, so it’s not something I need to figure out right away. I could live, work, and study anywhere in the EU, which is made up of 27 out of the 44 European countries, but if I lived in Italy I’d get many perks, including housing benefits, free healthcare, and tax breaks. There’s a ridiculous amount of benefits just from being a citizen of the EU, plus holding dual-citizenship with the US along with it as well. There’s virtually no downsides. My only thing now is that I wish I had known about this sooner so that I could pursue it sooner. America is not a great country. I know it is a “privilege” to live here, but that privilege only equates to convenience. With all of the businesses here and shipping hubs and attractions and close proximity to cities or places with a lot to offer and whatever else along those lines, we have nothing else aside from convenience. And yet, we have somehow made ourselves the center of the world, forcing our self-importance on everyone else, even though we remain way behind so many other first-world countries in areas like education, work, housing, human rights, benefits, healthcare, the economy. All of that is now about to get even worse with Mr. Fascist about to take office. People who already have their dual-citizenship can choose to go and leave this hellhole for the next 4+ years, and I envy them. I do find it a bit ironic that in order to leave my fascist-leaning government behind, I’d like to go live in the country where fascism originated. It’s almost humorous. Then at the same time I’m like, would it be cowardly to run, to leave everyone else who can’t escape to fend for themselves? Maybe, at least for the time being, I’m meant to stay here. If all goes well and smoothly, on the short end of things, I can be approved for my Italian citizenship within 2 years.

Ever since I was a kid, I have never liked it here. That was before I even knew and understood issues we have here and statistics about where we stand compared to other, more progressive countries. Something inside of me has always rejected the country I was born into. My mom used to get mad cuz she would always say it’s a “privilege” to live here, and as a teen, when I gained more knowledge, I had comebacks for telling her how it wasn’t. When I signed up to vote at 18, I registered as unaffiliated because I never wanted to be restricted with my vote. While I’ve never voted Republican and most likely never will, I at least am not limited to only voting Democrat. I did not vote for Biden because just as I am with Trump, I could not stomach him, but I would have brought myself to vote for him if I wasn’t confident he was going to win. I live in a blue state, so not that it matters much anyway. I had to vote for Kamala despite knowing she too was not the best (though I think she would’ve done even better than Biden), and I am so sick of it now seemingly always coming down to Bad Candidate and Worse Candidate. While Kamala didn’t have much of a plan, she could at least be influenced to do good, just like how it was with Biden. She could have at least been worked with. Trump can and will actively do more harm. It’s highly possible that this term is going to be even worse than his first. And at least the past 4 years with Biden there wasn’t any fucking nuclear bomb threats from North Korea or having to brace myself as I get another ping on my phone in regards to whatever asinine thing Trump said or did the day before or overnight while half of America was sleeping. And every time I have to hear about that man saying whatever is a witch hunt against him, my blood boils. It’s estimated that between 70-90% of victims of witchcraft were (and still are) women, and many of them were either poor, healers of some kind, unmarried or didn’t have children, rejected religious norms, or in some way were non-conforming to societal standards. Women were also more likely to be accused because they were viewed as “weaker” in different ways. This rich, privileged man making accusations of witch hunts against him is so aggravating, especially because he always does it whenever he’s being called out for something he literally said or did. And when Putin and Netanyahu, two politicians currently bombing the shit out of innocent civilians, are celebrating the election of someone, how does that not raise any red flags in some people??? I truly do not get it. “B-b-but the economy!” The economy started going under while Trump was still President, it just continued to worsen under Biden. Yes, someone needs to do something about it, but it’s wishful thinking Trump will get it done. Trump doesn’t care about the people; he cares about himself. He doesn’t even give a shit about his own family. This is a man who while on national tv said he’d date his own daughter if she wasn’t his daughter, all while she was sitting right next to him. He even implied he’d have sex with her. Link 1 and link 2 to clips of those. He has zero morals. While I want to believe he has the capacity for good, odds are he will do more harm than anything positive. The only good thing I can think of from his first presidency is when he got rid of the penalty for people who didn’t have health insurance. When I try to come up with something else, my mind literally draws a blank. I have never liked Trump. I remember being around 9 or 10 and my mom started watching the Apprentice, and I was shocked by how incredibly mean he was. I remember specifically asking my mom why he was so mean. I cannot recall her response, but that memory has stuck out to me because I was horrified by how anyone could be so cruel to other people. The speech Jimmy Kimmel gave about Trump winning was great. He says things more eloquently than I can.

Anyway, I had a few more things I was going to write about, but I think I’m going to put them on the back burner for now. This is already a really long post, and I anticipate another one coming up after my appointment with Chris.

[empressofthesunwriter]

Friendly Faces Everywhere

Codename Dovahkiin Part 2

Now that the Stick of Truth RPG is over it's time for N.K. to face the normal everyday life of South Park.

She should have known nothing in South Park is ever normal!

Day to day the craziness of this supposed quiet little mountain town she has to combat now.

Thank god, she has Tammy, Wendy, her boys, and her Social Media/Magical Girl Powers on her side.

This gonna be a wild ride!

Main Pairing: New Kid/Kenny McCormick/Kyle Broflovski

Chapter 7:This is not you!

The Christmas break is over soon.

Too soon for my taste.

I enjoyed it greatly.

Having dates with Heidi, doing something with my female friends, and spend time with Leo.

I totally and completely ignore the fever dreams I had on Christmas.

Just ignore it and be a good girlfriend, friend, and sister.

Nothing to see here officer.

Only a normal pre-teen living her normal life in a…really fucked up city.

But we will ignore this.

Ignoring is good.

Anyway, the first school day after the break starts with a school assembly where also our parents participate.

I’m sitting between my parents, wondering what will happen next.

Mr. Mackey explains to us that Principal Victoria got fired since she didn’t react right to a student calling rape "hot Cosby" and that we will get a new principal.

The men that walks in…I get shivers all over my body.

Not because he is creepy or anything.

I know his type.

That’s a dudebro who is full-on political correctness.

My gut is right as he tells us clearly: “I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test! A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!”

“No, he got brainwashed by a cult.”, corrects him Leo.

This earns my little brother two days' detention.

P.C. Principal is not joking around. Alone his name says it all.

Hey, I’m the first one who is against injustice and all that, but these dudebro’s are too extreme.

Even Mr. Mackey gets detention because he answered P.C. Principals question where the minoritys are correct.

I mean, we do have only Token.

Yet the dudebro doesn’t care.

We will need all to watch our tongue around him.

After the little assembly our parents go home or to work and we start our school day.

When it’s break time I call all my friends and my girlfriend over to my locker.

“Okay, my amazons, listen up.”, I begin in a hushed tone. “I hate to say it but we have to be careful now what we say, because we can’t even make jokes anymore. P.C. Principal is out for blood and he will pick up any political incorrectness, even if it’s sarcasm or the likes.”

“You are white as a sheet.”, points Heidi out and rubs my cheek in comfort. “Are you alright N.K.?”

“Yeah, I never saw you this scarred. I thought you would find P.C. Principal awesome!”, wonders Bebe.

All our friends make agreeing sounds.

I take Heidi’s hand and shake my head with wide eyes.

“I know his P.C. from when I lived in Miami. All and nothing is an offense to this guys. And the worst is you can’t argue with them because they will throw at you the racist, bigoted, or queerphobic card. They even don’t care if you are part of a minority. So from now on we have to watch our mouth.”

Wendy frowns at me.

“This sounds like a personal experience.”

“It is. When I lived in Miami I was dating an Hispanic girl. It wasn’t anything serious, but we had a good time with each other. Well till the day we were at this Starbucks.”, I recount my first time facing this kind of P.C. I still shiver thinking about it. “I told her she looked tired. That’s when a dudebro literally jumped up from his chair and called me out because I stereotyped her as a sleepy person. Even her telling him she really was tired, didn’t help. That guy was not stopping. I’m not ashamed to say I cried like a river. Never has someone completely destroyed me like this dude.”

All their chins meet the floor and Heidi hugs me to console me.

“Oh damn, this doesn’t sound good!”, say’s Red.

“If some of them made N.K. cry it’s serious.”, adds Nichole.

“All right, we need to watch what we are saying around P.C. Principal.”, reminds them Wendy. “Anyone who gets our pretty much real Amazon crying and being ashamed of herself is not someone you wanna mess with.”

The school bell sounds, meaning we all have to go back to our classrooms, which we do.

Only one day has to pass before the boys come to me.

And with boys I mean I saw how they send Leo over to talk to me, while Stan’s Gang minus Cartman and Craig’s gang look from save distance on.

I’m standing with Heidi at my locker, putting my books away, so we can go to the cafeteria to have lunch with our girl group.

“Hey big sis, hey Heidi.”, greets us Leo nervous. He so doesn’t want to do it. “The guys…I mean I was wondering if you N.K. will do something against P.C. Principal.”

I just look around him to fix the little cowards with a glare.

“Really brave of you all. Send my own brother in hopes I agree more. If you have to say something say it.”, I make clear.

At least the fourth-grade boys do look a bit embarrassed.

“Please N.K. you are the strongest person we know.”, Stan begins. “If you can’t get rid of P.C. Principal no one can.”

“Also since you and Heidi are the only same-sex couple, maybe you can go together to him. He will surely listen to your more since you are a minority.”, adds Craig monotone like always.

I can’t believe what I heard.

“We will certainly not get on P.C. Principals’ bad grades.”, I tell them, taking my girlfriend’s hand. “People like P.C. Principal don’t see reason, they see only their way. You can’t win against him in normal ways.”

“So we should just give up? That dude will ruin anything, what is with free speech and all.”, ask me, Kyle.

It’s weird talking to him after…well all that happened.

“No, that’s not what N.K. means.”, answers Heidi for me. I’m so thankful for her. “If you wanna get rid of P.C. Principal you have to play dirty.”

“Go to Cartman, he is the evil psychopath you need.”, I point out.

With that, we make our way to the cafeteria.

When school ends we all heard the news.

Apparently P.C. Principal kicked Cartman’s ass so hard that the fatass is now at the hospital.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m happy about that. Cartman deserves all the beatings in the world.

Yet, I’m disappointed that our local psycho couldn’t win against P.C. Principal.

I have a feeling the dudebro will stay for a long time.

The P.C. party the next day in school and hearing there Kyle stopped saying Caitlyn Jenner isn’t a hero is proof enough.

Still, I can’t help but wonder…I have my Social Media Power and my Magical Girl Form…maybe I could have WON against them.

Why did I not fight?

I’m asking this myself later at night laying in my bed.

Did I lose my will to fight?

Yes, I had a bad experience with a dudebro before, but I never backed down.

Not if I have all this power on my side.

Or…I’m just a little girl with powers who thinks she can change the world but when she should do it she shows her true colors.

The colors of a coward.

I’m so confused.

That’s when I hear how someone is knocking on my window.

…What the fuck I’m on the second floor who is crazy enough to climb up my window?

I get my answers as it opens dramatically and I see a masked boy with a dark cape and a green M on his chest and a little question mark on his hood.

“Novella-Karin Campo.”, says the mysterious boy my name in such a deep voice that sends shivers down my back. Not out of fear…I have a voice kink. So you can imagine what I’m feeling. “We need to talk. Transform and meet me at your front yard.”

“Wait a second who are you, you mysterious caped dude with the sexy voice?! How do you know me and my powers?”

“Mysterion. All will be clear to you soon.”

Dramatically he jumps down and my chin meets the floor.

I don’t know what is going on, but this Mysterion is the hottest guy I ever met.

I have a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend I like a lot! Don’t be a thot, N.K.!

Still, I transform and float down to the ground.

Mysterion just looks stoic at me, a dark intimidating silhouette in the moonlight. I swerve dark shadow tendrils dance around him.

I feel a power coming from him…so dark…so old…so not understandable.

This turns me even more on.

I may be bisexual but I admit I always dreamed of meeting a dashing mysterious superhero and being whisked away at night in his strong arms.

But I’m no damsel…I kind of a hero too…okay more a Magical Girl but whatever, you get my point.

Once again remember I have I girlfriend and don’t be a thot!

“So Mysterion.”, I begin curious. “Will you now tell me who you are and what you want from me?”

Something similar like a smile is on his lips.

“You can’t guess?”

“I would remember someone with a voice like that.”

“You only need to know that I’m your friend.”, he tells me. “And as your friend, I have to ask you…what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Hey!

I cross my arms and send him an angry look.

“So not only do you not want to tell me who you are, but you also insult me. Doesn’t makes you look good Mysterion.”

“Some needs to be straight with you-“

“-I’m allergic to straight, ew!-“

“-I’m not even commenting on that. When you first came to this town you were this unstoppable force of nature but since you are together with your girlfriend you became tame. The N.K. I meet would have done something against P.C. Prinicipal, yet you told us to go to Cartman. So I’m asking you, what is fucking wrong with you?”

Speechless I stare at him.

…I hate to admit it, but he is right. The same thoughts tormented me.

“Look dude, you are one of my friends, as it seems. Also, I will be frank with you…Heidi is important to me. I messed up with Kyle and Kenny and made Heidi unsure about our relationship. I will not destroy it only to help the boys.”

Mysterion has only one thing to say to me: “Coward.”

I wince, but I don’t disagree.

“So you put your relationship before anything? You have a gift, it’s your damn duty to use it for the good of the people.”

I’m remembering my fever dream where I was divorced from Heidi because I put my powers in the first place.

“What do you know about gifts? I NEVER ASKED TO BE MADE THIS WAY!”, I shout the last part into his face, pointing an accusing finger at him.

The masked boy… just looks so tired and defeated now.

“I understand you better than you think.”, he starts to tell me. “I have also a gift…a curse I didn’t ask for.”

This…didn’t expect that. I feel the sincerity of Mysterion. He looks like he lived a thousand lifetimes and only saw the worst of humanity.

“What is your curse?”, I ask quietly.

“I can’t die.”

What?!

“I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see heaven. Or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing the same old clothes.”

Shocked I put my hand on my mouth. His desperation is clear as water. Something like this you can’t fake.

“And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day, and everyone is just like, "Oh hey Kenny." Even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes.”

…Kenny?

Tears trail down my eyes as I cry for him.

For my princess.

I should have known it was him.

He wants to say more, but I just hug him to me.

I hug him with all the love I have in my heart for him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”, I wail. “You must think I’m the biggest egoist in the world. I never wanted to hurt you guys, no one, but it seems I can only do that. You are right I should have helped you guys…but I don’t wanna lose Heidi.”

He hugs me back, petting my head.

“There is more, isn’t there N.K.?”

“I had a dream on Christmas Eve. I saw a future where I abandon you guys for Heidi and then I abandon her for my powers. I don’t want this future to happen!”

It feels good to finally speak about it.

Mysterion…Kenny hugs me tighter, rubbing my back in comfort.

“N.K. it was only a dream.”

“It felt so real!”

“Maybe that was just your fears getting the best out of you.”, he hypnotizes. “I can promise you that I will never abandon you…I like you to much for it, even if you don’t like me anymore this way.”

A wet laugh escapes my lips.

“Silly Kenny, it’s a mess of emotions, because I STILL like you and Kyle. I’m sure Heidi knows this too and yet she told me I should stay friends with you guys. I don’t deserve her.”

Careful Kenny wipes away my tears, tutting at me.

“Now N.K. that’s too melodramatic, even for me. Why don’t you just talk with us and make a mess like this? If you don’t talk your dream will come true.”

I sniffle and Kenny hands me a tissue. I blow my nose loudly. Something like a tiny smile is on his lips.

“I love you, Kenny, I really do.”, I confess finally. “Now knowing you are just like me…it makes me love you more. You understand me. You did from the moment we meet each other as princess and mage.”

“I love you too N.K., I never felt this way for a girl. You are so important to me, please don’t push me away again.”

“Heidi…I love her too…I just…I can’t break up with her…I love her…”

The hooded boy signs, stroking my cheek.

“Babe…you know… I don’t have anything against it if you want to date Heidi still…she is a cute and nice girl…I could learn to love her too.”

…I blink rapidly at him.

Did I hear him right?

“Kenny…what do you mean?”

“I read this up on the internet. Polyamory-relationships? I would be okay with this. Don’t know how Kyle thinks about it, but if you want to date other people while we also are together I would accept it. I just…want you so much…in any way you can give me.”

My chin meets the floor.

I can’t believe what I’m hearing!

Mamma was right, I should have fucking talked with the boys before and not assumed things!

“Kenny so that you know, I would literally jump you now and make you cum with my mouth till you are dry because this makes me so happy! But we need to talk to Heidi first. She has to be okay with this too.”

I hear how he has to bit down a moan and gives me a hot look.

“You are a tease, but you are also right. Let’s talk with Heidi first thing in the morning.”

We both smile brightly at each other.

 Maybe…it really can work.

“One last thing, why did you dress up in your superhero persona to talk to me?”

“I had a feeling you would have ignored Kenny because you are also stubborn.”

“…You got me there.”

We say goodbye to each other with a hug. Back in my room, I send Heidi a text that we need to talk before school about something.

I hope she will agree to this too.

But if I have to choose between Heidi and Kenny…god this will be difficult.

God, if you love me make it go a way we all can be happy.

Me, the author, points at you, the readers: Will you hear N.K. prayer and make N.K., Heidi, and Kenny canon? Review!   

Next time on Pokemon, I mean, Chinpokemon, no wait, on Friendly Faces Everywhere the thrilling conclusion.

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[kissofcashmere]

I’m sharing a secret today:

Three little Teddy Bears 🧸

I’m getting very bad palpitations/racing heartbeats so I’m not in the state to write much this is exactly why I wish I had someone to talk to in person. I have high fever too… and shallow breathing again. It’s very difficult to get Teddy bears in India because someone has banned certain imports and huge reliable places like Hamleys… inspite of their “quality check” has become another Reliance Mart, they don’t have official Hamley toys 🧸 the banner is good for nothing all you get is cheap roadside stuff which for some reason is impervious to our stringent quality norms, you get all these tacky, garishly coloured bright red, green and raspberry pink Teddy bears (be it in Hamleys or Amazon etc. etc.) in that cheap quality synthetic fabric where they use toxic dyes, as if they are very healthy made out of vegetable colouring, as if the beetroot red is edible for children? On Amazon they only have what Indian girlfriends usually want… all those typical cheesy 6 ft bears that’s it. Anyway, long back when I was putting together something for Harsh https://twitter.com/dutchesstruffle/status/1610306604037201922?s=46&t=XBKt3GjCDr2f0CTNaF_y2w & https://twitter.com/dutchesstruffle/status/1610299643216429056?s=46&t=XBKt3GjCDr2f0CTNaF_y2w

When I had put everything together for him I had taken a mini birthday cake Teddy bear (15 cm) but it arrived late so I decided to keep it as a keepsake (I feel like sitting with him & crying) and I gave him a proper sized Teddy bear, for the next birthday I had grooming stuff to give ‘cuz what else would u give guys… I was like where will I find a Teddy bear in a Bath Robe? And then I heard myself saying aah that’s impossible even in places which are popular for Teddy bears 🧸 and then guess what? One should never believe anything’s impossible, everything is possible our world is full of surprises, a week later I came across a Bathrobe Teddy (the last of Hamleys that we had) and I immediately got it for him to put it there in my box with all the grooming stuff

Ever since then I have been getting the most perfect Teddy bear that too always at the right moment it’s as if it has created a stroke of good luck or a catalyst (like most other things in my life) I was looking for a Teddy for my car (I don’t have one yet nor am I in the state to drive) so actually for my future car… I have drafted an article (I had written it long ago last year) in case you’d want to read more about cars, but I haven’t published it on my blog cuz that car hasn’t arrived yet in Indian market… anyway I got this Teddy bear 🧸 which will be combined with those mini cushions and other stuff to make someone as comfortable as possible and there will be refreshments too, I’ll share all the details once my post is up, it looks like a perfect little chauffeur Czar is my pseudonym and instead of Car I’ve kept Czar as the title there (not yet published the article) you can read it next year on 23rd Jan, “24 cuz whatever cars I was comparing… well one of them didn’t get launched in India even though it was supposed to (during Auto expo)

That’s just a quick glimpse, I wanted the car to be fully equipped with all this stuff and it’s inspired by luxury hotel rentals/airport shuttles.

Here’s the third Teddy…

So Ralph Lauren Bears are for 10k even from the kids section and I wanted a Barista bear to be precise… I again thought to myself “It’s not that realistic you know, finding something like that especially in India.” Anyway I had already come across whatever I wanted for my theme in the exact same as shade as Ralph’s and then I eventually found a bear too which was quite unexpected, he’s wearing a gingham shirt in the same bottle green colour and grey dungarees, I can also make it sit. He is very cute & adorable 🧸 I have put a pic in my moodboard which will be there in www.lilacnights.com/post/my-little-barista I am not sure if I’ll be able to fulfil this dream but you can read it on 7th Mar it has been pre-scheduled.

Another Teddy: Looks like this month I’ll be spending on Teddy bears… no I got that Ralph and then this, the rest were purchased ages ago. I didn’t want to miss out on this one because nowadays you don’t get bears with the same coloured nose, they all have that cheap white nose that too in a different fabric not fur. This bear costed me around 990 inclusive of the extra ribbon and 100 shipping.

I saw a blogger who has a cottage somewhere & I realised I wasn’t the only one obsessed with bears other than Ralph Lauren, she too has Teddy Bears in every nook and corner of the house and some other blogger just posted a Teddy Bear sitting on her bed, looks like we’ve all got this Teddy Fever together - Zara Sauleh

[thefanficmonster]

Bouquet

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having come clean about being single for a very long time now and considering herself completely out of the dating scene, Y/N’s confession is taken and responded to with a ton of kindness, especially from a special someone...

Requested by Anon. Hi hun! Thank you so much for your lovely request, it was such a joy to write! I’m so sorry for the long wait you had to go through but the fic is finally here and I hope you enjoy reading it! Love, Vy ❤

I roll out of bed with little to no desire to start my day. We haven’t got a scheduled stream for today and the clouds glooming in the sky seem to be promising rain so really what do I have to get up for except that it’s a rule society installed?

Just kidding, I’m basically stalling and that’s all.

So what happened was the streamer gang and I were playing Among Us last night and our conversation during the pause between rounds somehow swerved into relationship territory. I stayed quiet the majority of if not all the time because I had no valid input to offer. 

If you know me you know I’m not one of the performers on the dating scene. I have never really confirmed it with my fans - well, until last night, that is - but I bet they have picked up on that fact considering I’ve been on YouTube for around a decade and have never had a partner. That being said, I’d have to also mention that I have in fact dated but someone but it was before my YouTube era started. Me choosing this career path, which back then was just a hobby, had nothing to do with the relationship ending but it still motivated me to not to actively look for a relationship while I’m still focused on my career. It’s too much work, too much stress and requires a lot of balance I most certainly either don’t have or I don’t have the energy to put in balancing my romantic and professional lives. Luckily, no one’s ever pressured me into finding a significant other, not yet at least, so no societal pressure for me!

But I gotta admit I felt real awkward admitting all this last night.

“Hey Y/N what do you think? You’ve been awfully quiet?“ Rae asks, causing me to jolt in my seat from where I’ve been reading my chat for the past five minutes, my mic muted.

I quickly unmute to reply, blushing ever so slightly, “Um, sorry I was reading my chat. What do I think about what?”

“The gesture of giving flowers to your significant other, is it romantic or a waste of money and plant murder?“ Rae explains, still managing to catch me off-guard with her question.

I ponder what my response should be for a little bit before deciding to level it to a neutral level where I almost sound indifferent, “It is in fact plant murder basically and artificial flowers would definitely be a better gift - plus they’ll last longer.”

“Mhmm yeah that’s true.“ Poki agrees with me, “But there’s still the question of whether it’s a romantic gesture or not. I personally don’t think it’s overrated or cheesy, I actually quite like it. What about you, Y/N?“

And now she’s got me in a real trap that I can’t wiggle out of without speaking my truth. I don’t know where this sudden anxiety around the subject came from but it now resides within me rent free and makes me feel self-conscious and embarrassed of the confession I’m inevitably make.

“Um, I wouldn’t know for certain, I’ve never received flowers myself...“ I say sheepishly, cringing at the sound of my own voice, “It’s not like I’ve dated plenty of people and the one guy I did date wasn’t really romantic or anything, I mean - we were teenagers, after all. But when I think about it in theory I think I’d like the gesture: it’s thoughtful, plus you get a temporary but beautiful piece of décor out of it.“

I’m gonna hope I didn’t sound too pitiful or desperate. Of course I’m not gonna check afterward on the stream cause I’d rather live in the illusion of having sounded humorous rather than be given the confirmation that I didn’t.

“Wait, wait, wait, did you date your last boyfriend like a decade ago?“ Corpse is now the one talking and that makes me feel even more anxious. This is not the impression one would want to give to their crush, is it? Oh well, no turning back now.

“Correct.“ I reply with a laugh that I hope didn’t sound as nervous as it was.

“And you’ve never, like in your whole life, received flowers from someone?“ He sounds astonished which sort of makes me want to shrink up in my shell like a turtle. Too bad I don’t have a shell though. I’m genuinely thinking of the option to rip the router out of the outlet right now to save me the troubles but I’m not that immature. I’m surprised I’m even reacting this way - this topic doesn’t usually bother me at all but now for some reason I’m red as a tomato and shrinking in my chair. 

I know what the obvious answer is but I’d rather die than admit to it.

“Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds bad but I really don’t care.“ I make an attempt at changing the subject, swerving it back to the main topic rather than my lack of a love life, “I do, in fact, find the gesture sweet - it adds vibrancy to the relationship just like the flowers would add vibrancy and color to the space they’re put in.“

“Oh my gosh, that’s such a cool analogy!“ Rae gushes, “You’re totally right, it might be an old trick, but it’s aged like fine wine.“

Phew, God bless you Rae.

“Exactly, exactly.“ Corpse agrees as well but I don’t think he’s fully heard what Rae said since he sounds to have fallen in deep thought.

At least I got away with it with only making a SLIGHT nervous wreck of myself.

Yikes, was that horrible, though I don’t people will remember it for long. Sure, my fans have sent me thousands of lovely messages and pictures of bouquets and will maybe continue sending them for another day or two - which I highly appreciate, don’t get me wrong. I’m severely touched by this gesture of theirs and it almost makes me glad I finally ‘came clean’ about my romance-less life - however, it’ll fade overtime. I mean, who the heck cares if I’m single or not?

As I pour the milk over my cheerios which I’ve been snacking on dry for the past half hour as I rifled through the many notifications clogging up my lock screen, I hear the doorbell ring. I’m understandably puzzled by this, seeing as how I never get visitors so that doorbell rings only when I’ve ordered something, be it takeout or a random item off Amazon. However, I can’t remember ordering anything, at least not anything that should be arriving at the moment or even anytime soon - that glow-in-the dark curtain isn’t supposed to arrive until next week.  I make my way to the door, unbothered by the fact I’m still in my pajamas, and take a look through the peephole.

It’s a delivery guy...and he happens to be holding a huge-ass bouquet.

“What the...“ I mutter to myself as I unlock and swing open the door in the blink of an eye, “Hi?“

“Hi there, are you Y/N L/N?“ The delivery guy, who I’ve seen many times before and who I’m on pretty friendly terms with, asks me jokingly, sending a wink my way.

“I sure am.“ I reply, my gaze fixated on the breathtaking flowers he’s holding, “But those can’t be for me, that’s for sure.“

He fishes looks at his clipboard one more time, nodding before he looks back at me, “I double and triple checked, Y/N, they’re for you. Here, have a look if you don’t believe me.” He turns the clipboard  for me to see and he is actually telling the truth. I mean, I doubt he’d have any reason to lie to me but mix-ups happen all the time.

“Um, ok thanks. Sorry for the halt, it’s just...I’d hate to be the recipient of the flowers meant for another girl.” I apologize as I take the bouquet for him, still in awe of the fact I’m the one it was made and meant for and sent to.

I say a quick ‘bye’ to the delivery guy before practically running inside to inspect this bouquet for a card from the sender. I have my guesses: it has to be someone who was present during the stream last night and someone who knows my address. Hopefully it’s someone from my friend group and not a fan who watched the stream and just happens to know my address. I’d still appreciate the gesture, but I’d also install security cameras if that was the case.

Something about the color scheme of the flowers - pink and black - gives me Rae vibes since she constantly teases me about my aesthetics contradicting each other. But then again, Poki does it too so it could be her as well....

Oh...OH GOD IT’S NEITHER OF THEM

                                                               ~ ~ ~

I’ve been sitting here, keeping myself a safe distance from my phone so I’m not the first one to send her a text. So I don’t ask if she got what I sent her. So I don’t ask what she thought of it, how the bouquet looks in her living room, how it smells, how it makes her feel. I have so many questions so that phone is best off at a major distance from me. I’m the one who’s better off with such a huge distance between me and the device, to be perfectly honest.

Was it a bad idea? Should I have slept on it - or just thought about it longer cause sleep and I don’t get along? Should I have at least waited a day or two? Should I-

My phone vibrates with a notification and I practically fly to it from across the room, grabbing it and unlocking it asap. My heart sinks and takes off like a rocket simultaneously when I see I’ve been tagged in Y/N’s Instagram story. I nervously tap the notification that sends me to the picture of the bouquet I sent her with some text written over it.

“Thank you, Romeo ;)“

Somehow that one sentence answers all those aforementioned questions.

Is this what people refer to as butterflies in one’s stomach? Cause it feels significantly more like a crush...oh wait.

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[ilici]

221141425 201912

Summary: Karl is shopping for bunny tails to buy for Y/N, and when it finally arrives, he thinks about hand delivering it.

{Numbers mean Bunny Tail}

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1221

Karl aimlessly scrolled through amazon, seeing rather horrendous looking bunny tails, most of the bunny tails that showed up, were based off of Lola from Space Jam. He was slowly growing frustrated at the fact that he could not find a good bunny tail. Chris, who was sitting beside him, was starting a fire while Jimmy was buried beneath them. “You okay Karl?” He asked, seeing Karl just scroll through his phone, with a determined face. “I’m fine, just looking through twitter.” He said, looking at the camera giving a smile and a thumbs up. After the camera cut, Karl got up, “I gotta get back, Sapnap is supposed to be getting here today.” He said, and Chris nodded patting him on the shoulder.

Karl had lied, Sapnap wouldn’t be getting to his house until tomorrow night, and he drove home about to call Corpse for help on buying the tail. Corpse was informed of everything that has happened between Karl and Y/N, and Corpse was proud to say the least. He knew Karl liked Y/N, and the fact that Karl was going to hand deliver a small gift to her, made him proud. “I just don’t know what to do.” Karl complained, while Corpse spoke through the car speakers, “Maybe look somewhere else other than Amazon?” He asked, “I can look through websites, and we can share bunny tails and see which is best?” Corpse suggested, and Karl sighed, “Yeah that will work.” He said, pulling into his driveway. Switching to his phone, he continued talking to Corpse as he walked up to his room.

Now here they were, twenty minutes into the call when Karl’s eyes lit up, “I found it!” He said excitedly, and Corpse asked for him to send the link. “Yeah, that one is good.” He said, and Karl bought it, from Etsy. “It’s supposed to be here in about two weeks. Which is good, since Sapnap is supposed to be here for a week starting tomorrow.” He said, and Corpse hummed in response agreeing, “Does anyone else know what’s happening between you and Y/N?” He asked, and Karl flushed, “No. Just you, since you have a thing for cat ears, I figured you wouldn’t think I was weird.” He spoke, and Corpse just laughed agreeing. “Well, do you know where she lives?” He asked, and Karl nodded knowing Corpse couldn’t see him, “Yeah, she lives with Niki and their other roommate in the UK.” Karl said, fidgeting with his rings. 

“She lives in the UK? She’s German isn’t she?” He asked, and Karl quietly laughed, “Yeah, but she moved with Niki.” He explained, and Corpse just nodded, “Well I am gonna get off here so I can wake up early enough since I have to do something for Mr. Beast.” He said, as Jimmy was going to get out of the coffin tomorrow. Hanging up, Karl opened his photos, going to the video of Y/N in the blue bunny outfit, he watched it with amazement. Clicking off, he opened messages and texted Y/N wishing her goodnight, as she was probably asleep. In reality, Y/N was awake talking to Corpse, panicking over the fact that she is terrified that she is catching actual feelings for Karl. Y/N wasn’t good with long distance relationships, she actually moved with Niki to the UK to be with her ex boyfriend more, but it turned out he was cheating on her the entire time.

“Corpse I don’t know if I can do this.” She admitted, and Corpse just frowned, “Y/N these past few weeks that I have gotten to know you, I know you are strong. Karl is one of the most sweetest and kindhearted people I know. Probably the most alongside Sykkuno. Those two are the sweetest people in this entire world, and you were lucky enough to get one.” He said, and Y/N smiled at this, “So were you.” She joked, and Corpse laughed shaking his head, “Shut up.” He said, and bid her goodnight as it was one in the morning for her. “Sleep well Corpse.” She said, and sighed looking up at her ceiling that was adorned with a painting of the sky. The moon and stars glowed in the dark, she and Niki had painted it together when they first moved in. “Is he actually going to hand deliver me a tail?” She mumbled to herself, before letting out a strand of curses.

Waking up the next day to Niki shaking her awake, “You’re going to be late for work!” She said, and Y/N dashed out of bed, getting dressed. “Have fun!” Niki said, and Y/N groaned, “I have to close today, so I’ll be a bit late.” She told her, as she got out of the door waving bye to her other roommate. Niki was now texting Karl, helping him set up a date to come, and helped him pay for his plane ticket. Karl was now helping dig Jimmy up, more excited as he now had booked a plane ticket to go and surprise Y/N. “Bye Jimmy! Please shower you reek.” Karl said, as he drove home to Sapnap already there. Karl told Sapnap about Y/N and got some advice from him as well, Sapnap also asked what she had looked like, and Karl nearly panicked when he thought he was going to have to show Sapnap the video of Y/N. Instead he thankfully had a FaceTime photo of Y/N wearing the blue bunny ears, and showed him that instead.

“Do you like her?” Sapnap asked, now that they finished the stream of them playing Minecraft together. Karl looked away and shrugged, “I mean, she’s a nice girl, and she’s absolutely gorgeous. I guess I will find out my actual feelings for her once I meet her in person.” He said, and Sapnap looked at him, “You’re going to go see her?” He asked, and Karl slowly nodded his head, “When?” He asked, and Karl shifted in his seat, “Next week on Tuesday.” He said, looking at his hands, then at Sapnap. Sapnap just looked at him, and nodded his head, “Good luck buddy, she seems really nice.” He said, and Karl smiled, “You don’t think it’s weird?” He asked, and Sapnap shook his head, “Not at all.” He said, grinning at his friend. “Thanks Sap.” He mumbled, “Anytime.” He said, and the two headed off to bed.

Y/N just got back from work, she took an taxi since she isn’t able to drive yet. She has a license, but she doesn’t trust herself to drive, she’s too scared of wrecking. So she either takes an taxi home, or Niki comes and picks her up. “I’m home!” She yelled, and Niki smiled walking into their living room. “Hey I won’t be able to pick you up Tuesday, my friend is doing it for me, I have to do something with Wilbur that day.” She told her, and Y/N frowned, “Who is the friend?” She asked, and Niki quickly lied, “It’s actually Phil’s wife, Phil and her are going to be in town for a meetup.” She explained, and Y/N nodded, “Goodnight.” She said, walking to her room changing into pajamas, texting Karl a goodnight message.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

💙Fri 11 Dec ‘20◟̽◞̽

Louis' big show is TOMORROW but that may not even be all we have to look forward to from him! Producer Alex Oriet (half of the duo Saltwives, who have worked with Zayn a lot, and he got his start working with 1D) reposted Louis' “new song” tweet to his insta with a caption- “soon”. OMG. Billboard had a 'year in livestreams' feature and wrapped up with Louis', saying “the best is yet to come” and reporting that Louis' show is Veeps' bestselling of the year “in excess of $1 million” (so either over a mil so far or a mil over the next best, hard to say, but it'll be well over a million by the end for sure so either makes sense).“I can't wait for tomorrow!” Louis tweeted, SAME, and “feels so good to be back with the boys getting ready. Can't wait for you all to see what we've been working on!” He included the brand new special Live From London twiiter emoji (!), it's a really cute lil vintage TV with the xx smiley on it, and a pic-- it's him looking over the backstage prep (so many screens) and you can see his hair flowing free and long and lovely! You can also see a piece of paper in front of him with 20 lines on it-- even if it is a set list I imagine some lines say “banter with crowd” and such like (as we saw on Louis' tour set list) but that's still soooo many lovely songs :))). Charlie Lightening says “this is going to be special, can’t wait for people to see what we have planned” and LTHQoffical is hitting us hard with the hype, posting another rehearsal pic (he's holding a beer and they didn't even scribble it out! wow almost like there's nothing wrong with that), and a time zone guide showing 66 cities around the world, and a digital fan pack, and they said more merch will be out tomorrow (heeelllp), and there's a show day itinerary-- ticket sales cut off 4 hours before the stream but much more interestingly, don't reopen (for the 28 hours of rewatch) until TWO HOURS after the start time. While they could (probably should) be allowing time for technical difficulties I much prefer to believe it's because we're getting a LONG SHOW YES PLEASE! I like my Louis shows like I like his hair, as long as he can possibly manage!! So that's plenty that we DO know to be excited about at the moment but the mystery of Louis new label also remains a hot topic nonetheless, with the known high cost of a twitter emoji stirring questions of who footed the bill (not something we're ever likely to find out sadly). If his team really understood us in the least they'd set up a viral video style Q and A where every Q pulled out of the bowl was an intensely detailed bookkeeping or promo strategy type query- tbh the faces Louis (or any one of the boys) would make would be 100x more entertaining than they get from any tired trying-to-be-cheeky standard Q and the answers sure would be!

Harry's prerecorded (months ago!) Jingle Ball performance aired at last and OH MY GOSH! SO GOOD! I think we can all agree (I know right?? I can't believe it either) that the backing band, Free Nationals, were phenomenal, and Harry's performance was terrific, just simply next level versions of the songs and Harry's sound in general. What more could we ask? For me, not much. For the Jingle Bell Ball organizers, well, they might have liked something Christmassy I suppose, maybe a holiday cover song, or a “tour of his home and holiday traditions.” LOL too bad! Whatever, they DID get vocal variations all over the place and oh did they work, a little lyric change in Golden (“I'm hoping someday I'll open”?), Harry in a sunny LA backyard (whose? who knows!) and everyone in not remotely festive Gucci. There were some decorations though! Not xmassy though- they were, can you guess, yes that's right: sky blue. And there was TRUMPET! A horn section, like revenge, is best served cold apparently: all these years on we can only assume Julian Bulian is good and sorry for denying Harry his trumpets cause DAMN did that sound GOOD. Julian may not say it but I will: you were SO RIGHT Harry, trumpets on every song!! Please! In fact, if you just took that guy on tour with you... or any of those people really? He can just have a really BIG backing band how about, then we won't have to argue about whether wanting this to be his band is mean to the old band. Anyway I hope the fan who ran into him in LA this morning told him how much we liked the show-- she did take a distanced pic, Harry is in his running gear (mostly black but bright fruity shoes) and holding a beverage. Oh yeah and Fine Line is now available to stream in “3D audio” (there's a moving in a New Direction from 1D joke in here headline writers, have at it) which is something that apparently only works with an Amazon device and is strange because physicists assure me that all sound is 3D, but what do they know. Anyway I'm sure it sounds great to those who can access it but luckily for me the album sounds great in plebian unbranded sound as well.

In the wake of Liam's no-show livestream yesterday fans are full of theories about what could be going on to cause such a thing, except actually it's only one theory; everyone is quick to ascribe the glitch to management struggles. May I simply say: there are so very very many things that could be happening in a person's life, even in a 1D member's life, that could cause a missed event and reducing any of them to 1 Dimensional figures who only have work related problems does them (and rigorous theorizing) a disservice. I hope we can all agree on wanting what's best for Liam, and that that extends to supporting him even if things are going on that are less glamorous than management villainy. I will ascribe one thing to management though-- I do believe the guys do the bulk of their own tweeting etc nearly always, but @Liam's tweet that yesterday's live didn't happen due to “technical difficulties” and they are “looking to reschedule” is one that I will make the exception for, sometimes you can just feel the PR person behind the screen! Tik Tok said it was rescheduled for next Tuesday, but the tweet was after that sooo hmm. The Billboard article about Veeps of course also talked about Liam (his Halloween show had 3.7 BILLION chat messages my god) and Liam's prerecorded alarm content today is Roman teaching Liam to do a Harry impression. How come when Roman does it it sounds like Harry but when Liam does it he sounds like Roman? Tip to Liam, just call it a Roman impression and you've GOT it!

Meanwhile, Lewis Capaldi weighs in on Niall and whether he (Lewis) enjoys golf with uncharaceristic delicacy; “we have different interests,” he says, and he sympathizes with a fan who said they'd slap him to meet Harry: “I understand.”

[tnbc-thoughtsandheadcanons]

I got Mirror Moon #1 Today!!!

It was supposed to arrive Tuesday, but my package ran late. It finally came today! According to the comic book site I bought #2 and #3 from, the release date for #3 came a few days ago, so hopefully I can expect shipment of them as soon as they’re in printing!

I’d love to talk about it, but I know it’s still early, so I’ll be tagging all of my spoilers with #Mirror Moon Spoilers, to anyone who wants to avoid them! All of my spoilers will be under the cut below. I’m only talking about #1 in this post!

The art and coloring of the comic book is beautiful! The environments are beautifully drawn and I’m in love with the way the artist portrays Sally. Some of the Resident’s designs are different and unusual, but they’re somewhat easy to recognize all the same. I always love seeing TNBC in a new style!

The edition is short and ends on a cliffhanger. It begins with Jack having the dream of all the holiday doors opening(though the nightmare itself is not shown). He gets inspired & begins working on something, involving a mirror. He later heads into town and we see the panels shown on the Amazon page - he asks Sally to assist him(without stating with what), then announces to the Town about his idea on duplicating everything. He then tells them he entrusted Sally with his Halloween plans(which comes as a shocker to her), and thus begins her taking over Jack’s duties.

The rest of the comic shows her taking over his responsibilities, like catching bats + snakes and judging the citizen’s ideas. At the end of the day, she’s exhausted and fumbling, so she retreats to the graveyard to have a break. She laments how hard it is taking over Jack’s duties and that she hopes she can succeed for him. She drops a forget-me-not in a puddle, only for the water to completely freeze! When she touches it, it acts like glass, giving Sally the impression of a broken mirror...thus giving her the first premonition that something bad is going to happen.

So far, I would say the direction is promising! It gives a lot of insight to Sally’s thoughts in here, and the way the premonition comes is super interesting. I hope to know about the Sally “duplicate” that’s been shown in a future cover, and how the story will unfold from here. I’m really unsure what will happen, even by the summaries. Regardless, I hope we see more of the Vampire Brothers or other Residents!

Also, there is no mention of Oogie Boogie or a villain just yet. And Lock, Shock, and Barrel are actually welcomed in town, participating with the Halloween shenanigans. I very much like these small details and hope for more as it goes on. Maybe an appearance from Finklestein and Jewel? (I feel it’s deserved to say I still dislike Jack’s ideas and actions in this so far - I hope something redeems him or validates what he’s doing right now!)

I can’t wait for #2 and #3 to come!

[theawakenedstate]

Let’s stop sucking the fun out of manifesting and talk about how “Fun” is the vibe you’re actually looking for because it helps you get into alignment the fastest! hehe 

The new Manifesting series has been so fun for me to explore and give you awareness on how much we can take Manifestation out of the box.  And This week i wanted to go a little sideways and talk about: 

How can we have more FUN Manifesting with the Law of attraction?

As we get older sometimes we can either get bogged down by our responsibilities, obligations and life happenings that Fun is an after thought. 

I am always about making sure I fit more fun into my life, whether that is making time to laugh more with Solar opposites(that show is insane lol), play Mario party with my kids or simply HAVE FUN creating Manifestation games and potent as fuck rituals with the Moon for Manifestation. 

I’m a firm believer in awakening life’s magic.  In this week’s video in our series, Let’s talk about two things:

How to Have More Fun with Manifestation and

How to Manifest with your Kids!

There is often sooo much emphasis on making manifesting serious, doing a ton of healing work and often it sucks the magic and absolute joy right out of manifestation!

I mean, am i right?

Manifestation is not complicated, it is meant to be FUN, Playful and Enjoyable.

That’s why Awaken your Power to Manifest my new book on amazon is made for you to have fun and practice manifesting- Its supposed to be fun 🙂 

Sometimes it is essential to remind yourself of this, especially as an adult. 

If you’re NOT having fun manifesting, then there’s something going on – that you’re missing – having FUN and detaching from the seriousness of it so you release the outcomes 😉 

And spoiler alert – When you do that – It’s actually soooo much easier to manifest and receive, why?  Because you just freakin got out of the damn way yo! 

Here’s the thing, 

I totally get it if you are someone who is committed, devoted, and doing the inner work but this episode is about – let’s put that aside and get you detached from the “Work” and into the world of Real Manifesting.

Getting Present and Enjoying the Life’s work of Manifestation.

So whether that is getting up and dancing your tooshie off or creating a really fun ritual with the moon to set your intentions, 

or Playing  Fun Manifestation Games with the Universe 

Please Remember you can walk out of your house today and manifest a butterfly just as much as what your soul is longing for – I think we miss this step and forget the magic, the hidden wonders and it sucks our soul soooo dry – we forget the hidden nature of reality, that we are more energetic magnetic and powerful than we realize. 

And the energy of Fun, Playfulness and Feeling Silly actually is the Vibe.  Oh and Today 

I am also including a bonus on How you can use Manifestation games with your Kids!

I’m sure we have conscious parents out there, I have two little ones and we love to manifest together. 

It always warms my heart to hear my kids run up to me and go “hey mom guess what i just manifested”  🙂 

I thought i’d spend some time sharing a few of our games we use together for manifesting.

Enjoy!

In this video let’s talk about: + Let’s talk about my 3 tips on how to have more fun manifesting + Manifestation Games & Methods that are sooo easy to do + how to Manifest with your Kids with easy games to allow them to have a better encouraging life and have fun with manifesting. 

And oh so much more.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments, If you enjoy this video,

please like, share with others, and subscribe for weekly video drops every Friday!

Tune into the Video for the full download:

And Next week we will talk about Tips on How to Manifest your Dream Career (in this world, this convo is beyond necessary)  stay tuned!

Have you tuned into the whole series yet? it’s such a vibe. Enjoy More from the How to Manifest series here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list…

Sending love,

P.S. Want to Learn my Top 5 Manifesting Secrets to Quantum Leap? Check out my New Masterclass!

Let’s cut out the Fluff and Get you on track with what works when it comes to manifesting what you desire.

Learn About:

How to Get Over the Fluffy Methods out there and Actually Start doing the Work That “Works” when it comes to Manifesting!

Learn the Valuable Process of What it Takes to Actually Quantum Leap (This is BIG)

Have More Fun with Manifesting Games So you walk away knowing how to Manifest immediately with Action steps & Thought prompts to help.

End Your Confusion & Doubt when it comes to Knowing what you need to DO When it comes to Getting real Results with Manifestation

How You can Make Manifestation Fun & Easy in your Life with a repeatable System that IS so much easier than hunting down tiktok videos to find Manifesting methods that work for you – not against you(I know who you are lol)

Sign up for the Masterclass Here: 5 Secrets to Quantum Leap without the Fluff

https://www.theawakenedstate.net/manifest-more-fun/

How to Manifest More Fun & Manifesting games with your Kids.

Let’s stop sucking the fun out of manifesting and talk about how “Fun” is the vibe you’re actually looking for because it helps you get into alignment the fastest! hehe  The new Manifesting series has been so fun for me to explore and give you awareness on how much we can take Manifestation out of the box.  And This week i wanted to go […]

[tuanhood]

hypnotic | part one

paring: vampire!im jaebeom x reader

genre: angst, eventual smut (part two), vampire au

warnings: language, cringey vampire cliches i’m sure

word count: 9,800+

summary: jaebeom has been waiting 200 years to find his mate - the one who can break his trance and isn’t affected by his hypnotic abilities. You don’t seem to be that person, but he just can’t seem to get you out of his mind… why? 

a/n: hello guys! so i originally had this planned to post tomorrow (the 30th) but it was so long i decided to split it up and post one part today and the other part on the 31st! This first part is mostly Jaebeom and not a lot of Y/N but SO BE IT. This is also my first time writing in the genre of vampire/fantasy loL so please forgive me because it’ll probably be cringe and not make sense. if that’s the case lol drop me a message!! also vampire jaebeom was requested FOREVER ago. so here it is practically 3 decades later. and i attempted to make a banner. if someone can make me a better one it’s v much WELCOME.

part two

Knock Knock Knock 

He wished he could just pretend like he was asleep. He wished he could use that as an excuse to not answer the door, but based on the very strong feeling he was getting from who was behind it – that wouldn’t work. 

“I know you’re in there! Just answer the damn door Jaebeom!”

Jaebeom rolled his eyes, leave it to Bambam to be at his front door before the day even had a chance to truly begin. Before letting him in, he went through all the possible things or excuses he could use to get out of whatever his younger friend had in mind.

“Is your vintage YSL here or is it still at the dry cleaners?” Bambam asked, pushing past Jaebeom as soon as he has the door partway open.

Gruffly, Jaebeom turned back into his apartment to Bambam already halfway to his bedroom – no doubt to look through his closet, “What are you doing here Bam?” 

“What does it look like? I’m here for the vintage YSL asshole!” 

He’s learned by now that it’s better to let him do his thing – whatever that may mean. So instead of following Bambam, he plopped down onto the same couch he’s had for nearly 15 years. “You know when I first bought that shirt it wasn’t considered vintage!”

Jaebeom waited for a response, but instead, he was met with silence. After a few moments – many of them thinking about how maybe it was time to replace the couch – he felt his “vintage” YSL button-down hit him in the face. 

He groaned; the impact was surely going to create wrinkles in the material he tried to keep in pristine condition. It was ironic since he was often heard making fun of how much Bambam cared about clothes, but Jaebeom liked to keep his things nice. “Bam I just got it back from getting cleaned a couple of days ago.”

“Put it on.” 

The tone of his friend’s voice seemed rather impatient. If he had closed his eyes, Jaebeom would have thought he was talking to Jinyoung or even himself. 

“Why do I need to put it on? It’s 8 in the morning; where are we going?”

“Um excuse me? Did you forget what day it was? Now come on, we’re meeting Jinyoung at that new café down the street in fifteen.”

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, trying to picture the café on the mental map he keeps in his mind, “the one that used to be a video store in the 90s?”

Bambam made his way into the living room, picking up a few glasses that rested on the coffee table Jaebeom’s feet were on top of, and marched over to the small kitchen. Jaebeom has lived in this apartment more years than he’d like to admit, especially because enough time had passed that the neighbors he had were clearly aging and he just stayed 26. The thought of moving somewhere new often enters his mind, but with this place, he just can’t bring it in himself to go quite yet. It’s almost as though something is tying him to this city, this place – like he’s waiting for something.

“Yes, and a speakeasy in the 20s both of which are not important right now because we live in the 21st century Jaebeom. Now come on, Jinyoung’s waiting – that asshole is always early.” 

He heard Bambam mumble something along the lines of known him 100 years, would it kill him to just be on time for once, as he furiously dropped the glasses on the kitchen counter.

“Do I have to go?” 

Bambam paused his motions of putting Jaebeom’s dirty dishes into the sink to stare the older vampire down, “Jaebeom you only turn 200 once.” 

He scoffed in response, “Jesus don’t remind me.”

“We have to make a whole day of it! So please just put the shirt on, because I want you looking presentable,” he stopped in the middle of his sentence, suddenly wiggling his eyebrows, “you never know what could happen.” The final word is drawn out, almost sing-song like and it drives Jaebeom up the wall because he knows exactly what Bambam is referencing.

For Jaebeom and those like Jaebeom, they didn’t consider the day they were born as their birthday, but instead as the day they turned. There was no point in celebrating their birth anymore as they were no longer alive. However, at this point after 200 birthdays, – alive and dead combined - Jaebeom was beginning to believe that there was no point to those either. He always knew being immortal was a curse but day by day that idea was only solidifying itself in his mind.  

Jaebeom let out a gruff breath which only made Bambam look up from the fork he was scrubbing, “Bam I don’t know what you think is going to happen today… but it certainly isn’t that.” 

The “that” he was referencing was one of the main factors that as of late had made him feel like living forever was indeed a waste. It was the thing that was supposed to make him feel “complete.” According to old texts and traditional vampire folklore, he was now walking around half full, but once he met his mate, he would become whole. At first, he didn’t believe the tale. He had gotten by so far without a mate that the idea of him not being complete made him laugh. But watching both Bambam and Jinyoung find their mates – Bambam 70 years ago and Jinyoung 16 years ago – made him finally acknowledge and reflect on the piece of himself he was missing. 

And fuck he was lonely. 

Bambam chuckled at him as if being in on his own personal joke. His friend was strange like that sometimes, “just put the shirt on Jaebeom.” 

By the time he’s had the shirt on and Bambam has somehow convinced him to let him wear his Rolex he got as a gift from his friend Jackson in 1920, Jaebeom feels mentally prepared to leave the house and embark on this dreadful day. The reminder that he has now been around for 200 years and still is not whole.

“Finally,” Jinyoung sighed when Jaebeom and Bambam finally reached the café down the street, “I’ve been waiting 20 minutes.” 

A disgruntled Bambam checks his watch, “well if you don’t want to wait every single time, don’t be so fucking early,” he promptly turned to Jaebeom to share his grief regarding their friend, “you think he would learn after all this time.” 

“Let’s just go order,” Jaebeom shrugged, not caring to be in another disagreement between his longer than life friends.

“Be honest you’re early on purpose just so it gives you something to complain about and a reason to make us feel bad!” 

Jinyoung ignored Bambam’s theory, replying to the oldest, “no need. I already ordered for the three of us. It’s a special day, the birthday boy doesn’t need to pay,” he glanced at Bambam, “you on the other hand…” 

The two new arrivals, flop down into the sofa chairs on either side of Jinyoung, along of them situated to make a half-circle in front of a low coffee table. The three of them had somehow stuck into this… pattern. Years of friendship that contained years of Bambam/Jinyoung squabbles that Jaebeom would often have to mediate. Patterns were nice, but sometimes they would get old – especially after so long. 

As the two of them argue over whether or not Bambam should pay Jinyoung back for a simple iced Americano because Bam swears he got the drinks the last two times, Jaebeom looks over to the counter where the baristas work on – no doubt – the plethora of orders they have. The factor of the café being new has certainly been the cause of the popularity and amount of people in the shop. He can’t help but feel bad for the individuals working on the drinks – three years ago he had been one of them for roughly 18 months and knew that it wasn’t as easy as it appeared to be. 

In retrospect, Jaebeom didn’t have to work. He had so much time to learn and understand what it meant to be financially responsible. Not only that, but he’s literally had hundreds of years to save. Plus, his early investments in companies ended up landing him some pretty substantial and valuable shares. Jaebeom was sitting on quite the pretty penny. 

“Wow your portfolio is remarkable… I’ve never seen one like it,” his latest financial advisor had said to him in complete awe, “I mean an early investor in Amazon? Apple? Mastercard?” 

Jaebeom had laughed nervously, “What can I say? My grandpa had good intuition, I guess.” 

Money aside, he had wanted something to do with his time – hence his barista job. It was fun, but like most things, Jaebeom just grew tired of it and as he watched the girl working the espresso machine let out an exhausted breath, he realized that he wasn’t missing it. 

Jaebeom has become good at studying people. It was something he still wasn’t sure of whether it was a vampire thing or just something he had picked up over time. Watching the girl at the machine, her hair is in a low bun, a few strands falling in front of her face. It’s clear with the way the hair tie is situated, that the hairstyle was once a bit neater, tighter, and sat at the middle or even top of her head. However, the now fallen placement and slight disarray signal how busy she’s been working and how fried she must be feeling. 

He looks to the string bracelet on her wrist, visible from far away enough for Jaebeom to conclude that she must have someone in her life deemed important to wear one of those “friendship” bracelets. He never saw the point, but humans were strange creatures, despite him once being one. 

Jaebeom’s breath hitches when he catches sight of the delicately drawn tattoo on her wrist near the bracelet. It’s of lavender and it immediately reminds him of his mother who had loved exploring the lavender field that had been near his home when he was a child. Despite all the time that has passed since he lost his mother, the pain that aches inside of Jaebeom when he thinks of her isn’t any less. 

His thoughts are interrupted by the call at the coffee bar, “Order for Jinyoung.” 

The call comes from the overworked girl he had been studying and Jaebeom wants more than anything to stand up and retrieve their orders. He finds a weird want to hear what her laugh sounds like. Maybe he could say something or strike up a conversation that would-

“What are you doing?” It takes Jaebeom a moment to notice that he has partially stood up from his chair as if he’s about to go somewhere. Cluelessly, he replied, “going to get the drinks.”

The youngest shook his head, “No way! Birthday boys don’t get their drinks, they don’t lift a finger.” 

He knew Bambam was one to take birthdays seriously, but this was beginning to feel like it was going the extra mile too many. 

“I’ll get it.” 

Jaebeom watched Bambam get up to retrieve the drinks. He expects him to just grab the drinks and return to the table, but instead, Bambam says something to the girl. Arching his neck to the side, he tries to make a clear path to eavesdrop on what’s being said, hearing being one of the benefits of turning. Unfortunately, the café is too loud for him to focus on the conversation and he’s defeated by the fact that he’ll have to stay in the dark.

The girl laughs loudly at something Bambam said and Jaebeom can’t help but feel mixed about it. On one hand, he got his wish – hearing her laugh – but on the other hand, he wasn’t the cause of it. For some reason it makes him bring his clench and unclench his fists which rest on the arms of the sofa chair. Jinyoung takes notice.

Jaebeom quickly looks down at his lap when he senses that Bambam is returning to where they’re sat, not wanting to give away that he had been staring. First, he places Jinyoung’s and his drink on the table, soon turning back around to go back and fetch the last drink – Jaebeom’s. 

When he comes back, Jaebeom looks up to see a large grin spread across the youngest’s face. He has that look again – the one as if he knows a joke Jaebeom doesn’t. 

The latter nodded his head in thanks for getting the drinks as he inspects his green tea on the table. Just as he’s about to pick up the mug, he’s stopped in his tracks by an announcement coming from the coffee bar. 

“Hello everyone! Sorry for the interruption, but I’ve been told that we have a birthday here today,” you said. Giving announcements wasn’t your strong suit, but you figured now that you were an actual owner of something, you were going to get over your shyness. But you didn’t think it was going to be that often that a tall, skinny and pale boy with a Rolex on his wrist would be asking you to get your coffee shop to sing happy birthday for his friend. Even when you were a barista working for someone else no one had made such a request. This was a café after all, not an Applebee’s.

Jaebeom wished more than anything that he could sink into his seat and just disappear. If only that cliché that vampires turned into bats were true, then he could just fly away at a moment’s notice. Leave it to Bambam to torture him like this. It wasn’t intentional of course, but it certainly felt like it to Jaebeom. 

It was especially tragic to him because the girl he had been studying was the one leading the entire café in singing “Happy Birthday.” He did his best to avoid looking at her, feeling like his entire body was heating up in embarrassment even though he couldn't heat up. 

You on the other hand felt a little insulted by the birthday boy’s lack of eye contact. You hadn’t even managed to get a good look at him before you started singing and now it was not possible with the way that he was looking down at the ground, his long hair falling in front of his face, concealing itself to you. It wasn’t difficult to conclude that he felt awkward about a bunch of strangers he had never met singing him happy birthday, you had felt the same whenever your friends tried to ambush you on your birthday… but you at least looked up and acknowledged the presence of the people singing. A tight smile from this guy would even be happily accepted. 

When the song is over and the claps that follow finally subside, he looks up to see the café back at its previous state of normalcy, not a single person looking at him anymore. Jaebeom lets out a sigh of relief. 

“You could at least act like you liked it,” Bambam huffed in annoyance. He wished Jaebeom could appreciate the idea of birthdays like he did. 

“I really didn’t need to be the center of attention today Bam.” 

“But it’s your bir-” Bambam begins to explain, but Jaebeom abruptly cuts him off, not wanting to hear his reasoning for today’s antics, yet again. The day hadn’t even started.

“My birthday, I know. Thanks for reminding me.” 

Jinyoung clears his throat and plays with the spoon that came with his Flat White. Just as Jaebeom is the mediator for Bambam and Jinyoung, sometimes Jinyoung has to be the mediator for Jaebeom and Bambam. Essentially the commonality in the disagreements of their trio friendship is Bambam and currently, Jinyoung feels as though he should route the conversation elsewhere.

“What else is in the cards for tonight then boys?” 

It’s then based on the look on Jaebeom’s face, that Jinyoung thinks that maybe talking about the plans for tonight – on Jaebeom’s birthday – isn’t re-routing the conversation. Especially since it’s Bambam’s whose eyes light up and is the one to reply to him.

“Obviously we’re going out tonight,” Bambam paused and turned to Jaebeom, wagging his finger in the latter’s face, “there’s no way you’re getting out of this. I’m not taking no for an answer this time.”

Jaebeom rolled his eyes and didn’t respond as he knew he didn’t have a choice in the matter. He had rejected Bambam’s invitations to go out consistently for the last 6 months and on his birthday of all days, Bam was going to force him out of the house just as he had done this morning to come to the café.

He looks back to the front counter, his eyes searching for the barista who has now suddenly disappeared. A frown begins to make itself known on his face, feeling a bit disappointed by the fact that she may have left already or gone elsewhere, but soon she’s popping up from behind the counter, no doubt getting something from the cabinets below. Jaebeom feels relief. 

“What did you say to her?” he asked suddenly looking back at Bambam.

He cocked his head to the side, confused, “What did I say to who?” 

“The barista behind the counter.” 

His friend nodded his head slowly, suddenly realizing what Jaebeom means. A smirk appears on his face, “nothing much… Just how it was your birthday and it would be really good if we could all embarrass you by singing about it. She’s not a barista, by the way, she owns the place. Kinda backward thinking there Jae. It’s the 21st century, women can own things now, they can vote.” 

“I know that,” Jaebeom hissed. 

Bambam puts up his hands in defeat, “I’m just making sure.” 

“Don’t you know her?” Jinyoung asked, “isn’t that why we came here?” 

Jaebeom’s interests are perked. It’s not often that the three of them meet new people. It’s not like there’s a huge point to it. The last new person the three of them met was Mark – also a vampire – a bartender at their favorite club in the city, but that was in 2007. 

He waits for Bambam’s explanation as to how he knows this girl and why they came here specifically beside it just being near Jaebeom’s apartment. 

Waving his hand nonchalantly, the Thai boy gives his answer, “I don’t really know her. Minji does. Met her in some kind of class, I think. SoulCycle? Pilates? Zumba? I don’t know. I can’t keep up with her and her activities these days.” 

Minji is Bambam’s mate. He had turned her only a month after they met. 

Jaebeom’s not sure what he would do if he met his mate. He doesn’t know if he would want to subject them to turning and living the same kind of life as him, but he also doesn’t know if he could continue life alone after meeting his mate. If he ever meets them.

“Why the curiosity?” Jinyoung asked, for once finding it hard to remain stone-faced. Even his usual chill, non-revealing demeanor seems to fade away when it appears that his older friend might be attracted to someone. 

Jaebeom simply shrugged, “it’s nothing…” 

“What do you think? Could she be the one?” Bambam asked teasingly, pointing to the girl behind the counter. 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes almost immediately at the younger boy, “if you’re going to keep bothering him about it, don’t make it so obvious idiot.” 

Jaebeom had been alive – or more like undead – for 200 years and more than half of that time he had to listen to this same conversation from his friends over and over again. His patience was wearing thin and 180 years later, he was tired of their pestering. 

He leaned forward slowly and grabbed his green tea off the table, making sure to visibly flinch at the heat of the drink, Bambam, and Jinyoung chuckling at his reaction. Out of the three of them, Jaebeom certainly had the most practice when it came to “putting on a show” for the humans and “acting” the most human. Taking a sip, he looked back at the girl behind the counter. 

The youngest vampire had spent many of their outings and conversations hypothesizing who Jaebeom’s mate could be. Despite being the oldest of the three, Jaebeom was the only one left who still hadn’t found his mate and he was beginning to feel hopeless. Typically, Bambam pointed out any human girl as a candidate – all of them of course ended up not being his mate. Therefore, Jaebeom didn’t pay attention to his picks anymore, but he had to admit… He did get a strange feeling from the girl behind the counter. 

Jaebeom looked to you, hoping to catch your gaze as you quickly made the coffee orders for the few people waiting to the side of the cash register. Just when he was about to give up and focus his attention back on his friends, you tore your concentration away from the drink in your hand and looked up at him from across the cafe. 

Jaebeom focused his gaze deep onto you with his eyes – testing, checking, and trialing your focus. You didn’t look away, instead, you trained your eyes deeply into his and stared at him until finally, it was Jaebeom who broke the contact. 

He shook his head at his friends, disappointed by your inability to break the trance and ultimately confused at the feeling he still got from you despite that. 

Jaebeom took another sip of the tea, “it’s not her.” 

“Did you have to debate that Uber driver on the Twilight franchise?” Jinyoung groaned at Bambam as soon as they’re out of the car. 

The entire twenty-minute ride, he had got into a heated discussion with their driver on how Twilight was not “true” or realistic to most actual vampire folklore. It had been an excruciating thing to listen to. 

“Got to stand up for our kind dude.” 

“Okay, but what happens when she starts asking how you know all these things or why you’re so interested in vampire stuff?” Jinyoung tended to always be right. This wasn’t an exception.

Brushing off his pants, Bambam gives him a nonchalant wave, “chill out man. Everyone loves vampire stuff.” 

“Maybe in 2008,” Jaebeom said just barely loud enough for his friends to hear them. The two of them laughed, Bambam shoving him playfully on the shoulder, “Birthday boy getting funny on us.” 

“I was always funny,” Jaebeom deadpanned. 

“Funny and looking good tonight. Let’s get you laid, shall we?” 

After a day that was jampacked full of various activities planned by his youngest friend, the last thing Jaebeom wanted to do was spend extra energy on trying to get some girl to come home with him tonight. Besides, he wasn’t that guy anymore. 

Jinyoung scoffed, “he doesn’t need to get laid tonight.”

“Yes, he does! Jaebeom how long has it been?” 

This time it’s Jinyoung that shoves Bambam’s shoulder – except it’s not all that playful. 

“Fine don’t answer that, but I’m just saying there will be quite a few girls here that you can have your pick of, despite your plain outfit.” 

Jaebeom looked at the clothes he had changed into when Bambam spared him a sliver of time to go back home to digress and feed his cats. The latter had wanted him to borrow clothes of his, but instead, Jaebeom decided on pulling pieces from his closet that felt more like him, less like Bambam. A plain pair of ripped jeans, an oversized black shirt that he had bought at a shop from his trip to London last year, and his mother’s necklace that often wasn’t missing from its spot around his neck.

Bambam’s earlier critique was that he was dressed too basic and that no girls would bat an eye at him. Girls don’t like plain guys, he had said. The comment makes Jaebeom wonder about you and whether you’d fall under the category of not liking “plain” guys. 

He bites the inside of his cheek. It was probably the eighth time he had made himself do it today. Jaebeom had found his mind often drifting to you throughout the day for some unexplainable reason. During their walk in the park, he wondered if you would take strolls during your breaks from the café or when Bambam forced him to go paint pottery for an hour and a half he thought about what you would paint. It frustrated him because he hadn’t even spoken to you – not a word and yet you were clearly on his mind for one reason or another. It wasn’t even like you were his mate. He had tried to see if you were unaffected by his trance, his hypnotic capabilities, but you had just stared at him completely fixated just as everyone else was. 

Jaebeom was not going to think about you any longer. He was already planning on avoiding your café. 

“We’re on the list,” Bambam tells the bouncer when they arrive at the entrance of the club. He scans the list and motions his head towards the direction of the door to signal to the three of them to go on ahead. There’s a bit of a whine coming from the people waiting in line which admittedly so makes Jaebeom feel a little guilty, but Bambam ensures him it’s fine, “why have a friend who works at a club if we can’t use him for the perks?” 

“Why does he keep bartending again?” As soon as the question is out of Jaebeom’s mouth he realizes it was a stupid thing to ask since the answer is apparent. 

Bambam laughed at him, giving his long – irreplaceable he’d like to remind everyone – leather coat to the person at the front of the club. Jaebeom swears he hears him tell the coat check guy the “proper” way to put it on a hanger. 

“Obviously for the girls Jaebeom.” 

Mark’s mate – Hana had passed on a long time ago. Jaebeom had never got the chance to meet her, only hears about her in passing from some stories that Mark has told the three of them. He hadn’t turned her. Jaebeom’s never asked why. 

“Girls… of course.” 

He can’t help but think about how Mark must feel inside. Although Jaebeom doesn’t know him as well as he knows Bambam and Jinyoung, whenever he’s with the older boy he’s always got a smile on his face. Often quiet, but he’s always got certain energy bouncing off of him that would indeed make him popular with women. However, if what they say about mates is true, would that mean that a piece of Mark was now missing? Did he feel like he was less of a person? Jaebeom felt like that sometimes and he hadn’t even met his mate yet. Mark had his, but now he didn’t. 

“Drinks?” Jinyoung asked the two of them and Jaebeom is partly surprised. Out of the three of them, Bambam was the one who was the most comfortable in a club or even bar setting. He figures that Jinyoung must be using his birthday as an excuse to cut loose and become someone else for the night.

Bambam instantly nodded his head at Jinyoung’s suggestion and Jaebeom finds himself trailing behind the two of them as they make their way over to Mark at the bar who is throwing his head back at something the girl across the bar is saying. Judging on Jaebeom’s intuition – it’s a bit fake and overplayed, but you got to do what you got to do.

“My man!” Bambam yelled over the music, leaning against the counter in a way to make sure he doesn’t get the elbows of his long sleeve turtleneck wet. Mark in response, turned to them and smiled, then routing his attention back to the girl, giving her an apologetic smile. Her half-smile says everything Jaebeom could need to know – this girl would not be going home with Mark after his shift tonight. 

“What can I get you guys tonight,” Mark turned to Jaebeom and the latter can barely make out his sharp canines in the dark club, “birthday boy you want anything special?” 

Before Jaebeom can reply that he wants to be at home, Bambam answers for him.

“Could we maybe get something that’s off the menu?” He wiggled his eyebrows at Mark who gave him a shit-eating grin, knowing immediately what he was talking about. 

“Off the menu” meant Mark’s secret stash of O negative underneath the counter. While alcohol had the same effect on them that it had on the average humans, adding a bit of blood just made a little bit better. Okay… it made it a lot better. 

“Three negronis coming right up,” Mark winked to give a little signal that these would most likely not be as well composed or put together as a negroni, but due to them being in public, he couldn’t necessarily announce a shit ton of alcohol mixed with human blood was going to be served up to them. 

“How has your birthday been Jae?” Mark asked as he was in the middle of placing three glasses onto the countertop in between them.

It was difficult to explain since to Jaebeom it had just been another day except for a little bit more excruciating. The celebration of another year “older” filled him with thoughts of how much time has passed, whether he’s done anything truly important and why he still hasn’t found the person who is meant to complete him… but like he said only a little more excruciating than any other day. 

Jaebeom shrugged in response, “Bam planned a lot and for the most part, it was…” he paused for a moment, wondering if he should say how he felt – numb, lost, and wishing the day would come to an end as if tomorrow won’t bring the same thoughts or problems. But as he looked at his friends who had tried so hard today to make him happy and celebrate, he decided to guard them against the ultimate truth, “for the most part it was fun – really good. I mean besides the singing at the café of course.” He throws in the last part to at least have some kind of believability to his story. 

He notices Mark’s eyebrows lift out of curiosity as his concentration focuses on measuring out each part of the drinks, “An entire café sang you happy birthday? Damn, I don’t think I could ever get through that, so I can only imagine how you feel.” 

“That was Bam’s idea,” Jinyoung muttered. 

Once again, Bambam does his nonchalant waving of the hand, “it wasn’t that bad. I mean okay, maybe it was… But Jaebeom was obsessed with the girl who led it.” 

Jaebeom suddenly feels like he wants to put duct tape over his friend’s mouth. 

“I was not obsessed with her! I don’t even know her!” Jaebeom for some reason felt the need to defend himself, which was probably the worst option. Him getting defensive was usually a tell-tale sign for his friends being right on whatever they were confronting him with. 

Bambam scoffed, bringing gliding his drink across the bar to be directly in front of him once Mark has poured it neatly into the short glass, “I noticed you staring at her before I went to get the drinks. That’s why I asked her to do it in the first place.” 

“So, she doesn’t know Minji?” Jinyoung questioned. 

The youngest takes his first sip and immediately lets out a hissing noise, signaling to Mark that it’s both strong and good. “No, she does, but Jaebeom’s weird staring only made it that much better.” 

Mark pushed the other two glasses towards Jinyoung and Jaebeom, “Was she your…” he drifted off, almost as though he was finding it physically difficult to get the word out. Jaebeom can’t help but feel the want to reach his hand out towards Mark and place it comfortingly on his shoulder, but his group of friends don’t do that. Instead, he saves him the trouble by answering back right away, not forcing him to say it.

“No, she wasn’t.” 

The bartender nodded slowly, suddenly avoiding his gaze from the three familiar boys across the bar from him, “That’s uh… too bad that she wasn’t able to break the trance. Sorry, Jaebeom.” 

He knows that Mark is just trying to be nice, especially when they’re on a subject that he clearly can’t and doesn’t want to talk about, but the attempt to be comforting makes Jaebeom nauseous. 

“Well maybe he’ll find her here tonight,” Jinyoung quipped, placing a hand on Jaebeom’s back. Sometimes the latter swore that his friends treated him he had just found out he had a terminal illness. 

“I sincerely doubt it,” Jaebeom commented gruffly. 

There’s a sound from the other side of the bar from a customer who seems fed up with the conversation being had between the four of them – distracting Mark from serving anyone else. He gives a signal to them to notify them that he’ll be there in a second. “Well… come to me if you guys need more drinks.  It’s on me tonight.” 

“Thanks, man,” Jaebeom tells him honestly because he might need a couple more drinks before he gets to the state of wanting to be in this room.

Mark said a final word of “see you guys later” and heads to the other end of the bar to help customers who have been waiting. Grabbing their drinks, Jaebeom, Jinyoung, and Bambam turn around to depart the bar, to find somewhere to sit for a bit before the drinks truly begin to hit them.  

With his drink in hand, Jaebeom took a sip and reveled in the perfect balance of alcohol to burn his throat and blood to soothe it. The drink was probably the most relaxing part of his day thus far and as he looked out at the crowd, he could already tell that maybe the mixture was going to his head due to his sudden thinking that this place wasn’t all that bad.

Despite not being a club guy, if he were to go out, Jaebeom would always choose this club that Mark works out. To put it simply – it was vampire friendly. With Mark behind the counter and his “secret” supply free-flowing, it became a notoriously known place for vampires in town. If he had to guess, the attendance on an average night was probably evenly split 50/50, humans and vampires.

The humans weren’t aware of the vampires of course – for the most part.

Jaebeom cleared his throat once they’ve found a booth to sit in, “so… Bam what do you know about that girl?” 

Both Jinyoung and Bambam exchange glances before looking back at the birthday boy. The latter tried his best to conceal the smile on his face, “not much… just that she owns the café, knows Minji, and is very single.” 

For some reason, Jaebeom’s stomach does a little flip, but he wishes it wouldn’t. “S-So?” Through his stutter, he tries to remain as confident as possible, but his friends see right through his façade.

Jinyoung leaned forward until his elbows rest on the top of his thighs, “Jaebeom you can be honest with us… Why the sudden fascination with this girl? Are you sure she didn’t break the trance? Just with the way that you’re acting…” Jinyoung drifted off, not bothering to finish his final sentence, but once again looking at Bambam. It makes Jaebeom lean forward in his seat as well. 

“With the way, I’m acting? I’m completely normal. I’m fine. She didn’t break the trance and now I’m just curious about her as curious as anyone would be about someone they meet.” 

There’s the silence between the three of them until Bambam speaks up, “You didn’t meet her though.” 

It dawns on Jaebeom that he didn’t even speak to you and he wonders why does it feel like he did. Why did it feel like he knew you but didn’t at the same time? Why haven’t his mind and body been cooperating with him since this morning at the café? 

Just with the way that you’re acting…

The way he was acting? What did that mean? Was the way he was acting mean something specific? 

He feels like he blinks and thirty minutes go by. And in that past thirty minutes, Jaebeom had somehow managed to drink 6 of Mark’s “negronis.” He felt like his head was beginning to get dizzy. It wasn’t often that Jaebeom found himself drunk on the verge of drunkenness due to alcohol not affecting him as much as humans. To even remotely get to that state, he had to drink a lot and it had to be strong. 

“You feeling it Jaebeom?” Through the darkness and the haze of the alcohol, Jaebeom could barely make out the hint of the smile playing on Jinyoung’s face. He had switched to a glass of wine at some point while Jaebeom was binge drinking which had to be the most Jinyoung thing ever. Who drinks a glass of wine in a dark, sweaty club? 

He’s afraid to answer him verbally which would give his friend an obvious sign of how he was feeling. So instead he just shrugged – as usual. 

“Dude let’s get out there!” The youngest shouted, motioning his hands to the middle of the club, “dance… maybe find you a girl?” 

Jaebeom watched the people pressing up against each other on the dancefloor, moving their bodies, and drinking like their lives depended on it. He wondered if he wanted to be a part of that. Everyone out there was so full of life and vigor… he just wasn’t. He also didn’t know if he was that drunk, but bless Bambam because he didn’t need alcohol to be out there. 

For what feels like the millionth time, his mind drifted to you. Was this your kind of place? Would you come here? If you did would you come alone? With friends? Someone else? You didn’t seem like the type of person who would like this place. You seemed more like him – the observant, calm, inquisitive type who would much rather be at home with a book than at a party. 

Then for a moment, he can picture it. It’s almost like he’s in a trance – an image of you curled up on a couch – his couch – under a large white cable knit blanket fills his mind. Rather than reading, your painting with watercolors – the kind that seems to be in every elementary school classroom – and he hears a voice out of view. His voice.

“Painting really?”  

Jaebeom sees you glance up from your painting to look at him, smiling.

“Looks like I’m gonna have a lot of time on my hands so… might as well get good at something.” 

Jaebeom hears himself laugh, “Okay but watercolors?” 

He feels like he’s going to pass out when he finally hears it – your laugh. 

“Let the artist work Im Jaebeom! She needs to get good enough to live off auction house money once her paintings get sold! Shh!” Despite your words, you smiled and suddenly moved the tools away from you onto the coffee table. You lifted half the blanket off of you and patted the space of the couch beside you, “you know I can’t say no when you give me that face. Come here.”

And just like that, the vision is gone. Jaebeom feels confused because it didn’t feel like a dream or fantasy, but it felt real… it felt like a memory. 

“Hello, Earth to Jaebeom?” 

Right… dancing. Maybe dancing would help him forget whatever game his mind was playing on him.

“Yeah let’s fucking go.” 

Another instance occurs where Jaebeom blinks and everything moves so fast. Suddenly he’s no longer sat at the table with Bambam and Jinyoung, but instead in the middle of that mess on the dancefloor with everyone else. He almost feels like one of them. He almost feels human again. But as soon as that feeling washes over him, it quickly dissipates. 

He knows it must be the drinks doing all the work, because otherwise, he would have never found himself in the middle of all these people, thinking that dancing is a good idea. Dancing had never done anything remotely good for him before, so why now? To help forget? Was it going to help him do that? 

“I swear it’s like he’s not even here.” 

Jaebeom tuned back into the moment, and it’s when he realizes that Jinyoung and Bambam have been trying to get his attention this entire time.

“Sorry I was just- the alcohol you know…” He says it so quietly that he knows his friends won’t be able to hear him over the music and the millions of conversations happening around them. But he thinks that maybe it’s better that way and that it truly doesn’t matter what he says.

Jinyoung comes closer to Jaebeom, until his mouth is right next to his ear, “we were just asking if there’s anyone that you’re interested in.” 

They’re still on this idea? Jaebeom asked himself. 

Even in his drunken state, he didn’t think that finding some random girl to fuck was going to help with the emptiness he’s been feeling lately, but for the first time since getting up and onto the dance floor he takes in the people around him. As depressing as it was to observe, most people were here with someone else. 

It’s then his gaze falls onto a couple that stands far on the left side of the floor, behind where Jinyoung is standing. The two of them have their fronts pressed up against each other, dancing so closely with arms exploring one another’s bodies. The female has her head resting on the male’s shoulder as if she’s too exhausted to keep going, but can’t dare to part with him. It’s like they’re part of each other and any distance would cause them to lose all sense of themselves.

The girl lifts her head off the male’s shoulder and gives him this look that makes Jaebeom’s heart – if it was still beating – ache. She says something to him and he nodded happily in response. Even through the dim lights and large crowd, Jaebeom could see the sharp teeth inside her mouth.

She placed her head back against his shoulder, this time, however, the male had his head angled back, stretching out his neck. The girl moves in closer until her mouth just ghosts over the skin, breathing on it until the boy shuts his eyes awaiting the sting and pleasure that will come next.

Biting down against his flesh, breaking skin, the girl drinks from her partner. Even though he’s at a distance from them, Jaebeom can tell by the look on the man’s face that he’s enjoying being fed on and that it certainly isn’t his first time. 

He feels like his eyes are frozen on the couple. It’s been so long since he fed off someone instead of the stuff that he gets from his connection at the hospital. Jaebeom tries not to think about the way his fingertips tingle and his throat dries up at the thought of drinking from a warm body. The alcohol has only dehydrated him and made him feel even more thirsty – he’s afraid that going back to the bar and asking Mark for a glass of O negative exclusively isn’t going to make that go away. 

After a moment or two, the girl removes her mouth from the boy’s neck and drags her tongue over the spot where she had drawn blood from, ultimately covering the wound and signaling that she was done drinking. 

He thinks of how risky it is to do that at a place like this. Although half of the people around them also take part in the activity of drinking blooding and granted most of them aren’t paying attention to those around them – there are still unsuspecting humans everywhere. If one wrong person were to see then that could be it for this club being a haven for the vampire community in the city and that would probably be… it for vampires in this city in general. 

But who was he kidding? He was being a hypocrite because he’s for sure done the same thing. 

You’ve once again entered his mind. However, this time it isn’t an image, picture, or vision that occupies his thoughts, but instead just the idea of how you would react to who he is, what he really is. Throughout his time that he’s been undead he’s only done the “reveal” to a handful of people and even then, it took him a long time to get there. Well except for one person who ultimately was a mistake and his friends hadn’t hesitated to let him know.

With you, Jaebeom felt that you wouldn’t be the kind of person to judge him instantly based on what he was. You would be shocked of course, maybe even scared, but you wouldn’t let that cloud your judgment. You wouldn’t let yourself reject something just because it was unfamiliar. 

What the fuck was he on about? 

It must be the alcohol doing this to him. He would have to thank Mark for making them strong this time around, but also make a mental note to never let this happen again. Jaebeom was already a deeper thinker, but this was getting out of hand.

There’s a sudden grasp of Jaebeom’s elbow and he feels himself jump at the sudden touch. His eyebrows furrowed when he realized it wasn’t one of his friends considering Bambam and Jinyoung were both dancing over to his right side. 

When he turned around to greet the person who had grabbed him, he was disappointed, surprised, and annoyed all in one. It was the last person he had expected to see her, except not really because it made perfect sense. 

“Jaebeom… hi.” Ara smiled shyly at him, tucking a string of hair behind her ear and slightly looking down at the ground. He wants to groan because he knows she’s doing this because he had once mentioned that he thought it was hot when she looked innocent. He shouldn’t have ever said that.

He’s not sure what to say, because what are you supposed to say to someone you’ve been trying to avoid for the past year and a half? Jaebeom had said everything he had wanted to say to her. 

At one point in his life, he had been stupid. He had been stupid and he had abused the power that had been bestowed upon him since the day he had been turned. Perhaps one would assume that he’d been foolish with his ability just at the start – 100, maybe even 150 years ago. Instead, Jaebeom had gone through a rough patch about a year or two ago. 

The overwhelming pressure of finding his mate had started to get to him again. All he needed was someone, anyone to break the hypnotic trance and that was it. A task that seemed so simple, yet never came. So, Jaebeom had used hypnotism to his advantage, getting as many girls as he could in his bed in the shortest amount of time possible. He wasn’t proud of it and it was something he would constantly regret as long as he was ali- around. 

One of those girls… had been Ara. 

Jaebeom felt relieved when she didn’t wait for him to answer back at her greeting, “How are you? I-It’s your birthday, right? How old are you turning again? 27?” She winked immediately after her question and he wants to roll his eyes.

She was the mistake by the way. The mistake that knew about who he was. 

He doesn’t even remember how it happened, how his secret slipped, or what the circumstances of her finding out was. Part of him thinks he was just horny, thirsty, and weak, but she found out and she… loved it. 

Weirdly enough, Ara loved the idea of him being a vampire and his “lifestyle” which at first Jaebeom didn’t think too much about. He thought okay she’s taking this extremely well… better than anyone else I’ve ever told, but whatever, but then it became strange. 

She was what those in the vampire community call a “vampire fetishizer.”

He coughed awkwardly, his gaze wandering over to Jinyoung and Bambam, hoping they would catch sight of him stuck with Ara and come rescue him. Jaebeom wasn’t that lucky though, not even on his birthday, “Yeah… 27.” 

Jaebeom can’t help but look at her neck. It’s fully on display and it was clear that Ara had come here to find someone to feed on her. He had been the one to show Ara this place before he had been clued into her little… vampire obsession. 

“Well did the birthday boy get everything he wants today?” She smiled and gave Jaebeom those eyes. He feels his cock twitch in his pants and he realizes he has to keep himself in check because he’s not that weak tonight… right? 

His eyes flash to her neck again and Jaebeom feels his throat get even drier. He was so thirsty and he knows Ara would be so willing. 

No Jaebeom… No. 

“I-I uh yeah… you know got- yeah today’s been good,” he stuttered awkwardly, bringing his tongue out to wet his dry lips. Judging on the look on Ara’s face, she’s taken the action the wrong way. 

“You look thirsty Jaebeom… do you want a drink?” 

He knows what she means and Jaebeom swallows hard in an attempt to distract himself, to remind himself that he’s not that thirsty. He doesn’t need it that bad.

“I-I think I am.” 

The words come out faster than his brain can process to stop them and the part of Jaebeom that’s coherent, sharp, and aware wants to punch the weak and drunk Jaebeom in the face. 

Without a word, Ara turned from Jaebeom and began walking to one of the exits at the side of the club. He feels like he’s the one in a trance, mindlessly following her through the people, not even hearing Jinyoung and Bambam calling out to him. The only thing that Jaebeom makes note of as he follows her is Mark’s face behind the bar, giving him a tight smile. It almost stops Jaebeom. Almost. 

When they finally get outside through the exit door, they find themselves in a small alley between the club and a dry cleaner. 

Jaebeom doesn’t even get a moment to think before Ara is pushing him against the wall of the dry cleaner, her hands roaming up and down his body, her lips going to his own. They’re pressed up against each other so closely that he recalls the couple he had watched earlier. He feels sick comparing this moment now to the two of them. 

“Fuck I missed you so much,” Ara sighed seductively into this ear, making Jaebeom’s stomach churn further at her clear longing for him. Well not him, but the vampire part of him.

“Please, I need it,” she mewled. At her words, he almost puts a stop to this whole thing and has to question whether this is the right thing to do. Jaebeom wonders if this is old Jaebeom behavior – the one that just used women and threw them away later like toys, but then he remembers that this is Ara. She’s using him as well. 

It’s almost as though that old, cocky, snide Jaebeom appears out of nowhere as he says his next words and brings himself closer to her neck, “do you really need it?” 

“Yes, Jaebeom I do, please.” Ara already sounds so desperate and he’s barely done anything. He can’t help but smirk at her reaction.

“Then I guess I better give it to you then.” 

He’s about to do it. He’s about to bite down and finally relieve his thirst, his craving, but then he looks to the side of the alley – towards the street. He feels like he’s seeing things again like he’s in the middle of a hallucination or mirage. That thought is pushed away when he locks eyes with you. 

“Don’t mind me,” you placed your hands up in front of yourself, to show him you’re not eavesdropping. Your action frustrated you because it would have been much better to say nothing, but you felt yourself panic. The prolonged eye contact with him while he’s just seconds away from pressing down – bitting down? – on the girl’s next for some reason pushed you into defensive mode. Not to mention his eyes… his eyes were – red? 

The girl hadn’t noticed you; you aren’t even sure if she heard you, but she certainly noticed Jaebeom’s stare fixated on you. When she faces you, she wears an unpleasant sneer, clearly annoyed by your interruption of whatever this was. 

“Can you go?” She said, the agitation in her voice more than apparent. 

Rather than immediately leave the scene, you continued to stare at Jaebeom. It’s difficult to say why you decided to walk this specific way home despite it being so late and dark out, but for some reason, you couldn’t help but be pulled in this direction. You weren’t someone who believed in signs or fate, but it felt so wrong to go any other way tonight. That was another thing, you felt this kink in your neck that practically forced you or taunted you into looking down the alley between this dry cleaners and club. It was yet another thing about today that felt unexplainable to you as you certainly weren’t expecting the birthday boy from the café today to be in a compromising position with some girl. 

After a moment of more uncomfortable staring – something else that had happened at the café today with him – Jaebeom breaks your gaze and looks down at his feet. The eye roll and acrid look on the girl’s face don’t go unnoticed by you. 

You shouldn’t be here. 

“S-Sorry. I’ll just get going then,” you concluded, unsure why you felt an uncomfortable sickness spread throughout the entirety of your body. 

You barely knew this guy – all you really knew was that today was his birthday and that he was friends with Minji’s boyfriend. Basically nothing. Yet now and even earlier back at the café you had felt this weird sensation within yourself. Not even when you looked at him, but just being in the same presence. It had been so hard to focus on making coffee today when he was seated across the room. Every part of your body just wanted to get closer, gravitate towards him. It was fucking weird… and scary. 

The girl nodded as if to signal “yeah about time,” at the announcement of your departure. Jaebeom on the other hand, still had his eyes glued to the ground as if looking at you once again will cause him some kind of pain.

Just as you’re about to continue your trip back home, you stop yourself and look back at the couple in the alley. 

“Happy birthday by the way…” you paused wondering if it would be weird to say his name considering he doesn’t even know yours, but you shove the thought out of your mind, “Jaebeom…”    

Hearing you say his name causes that tingling feeling in his fingertips to come back and his entire mind is sent into a frenzy. He feels too awkward, too shy to look at you again, but a sudden thought washed over him. What if earlier was a mistake? What if you are his mate? With the way he was currently feeling just at you saying his name, the visions he had in the club and the nonstop place you know had in his mind, it was difficult to believe that you weren’t his mate. 

Bambam and Jinyoung had found it difficult to explain to him what it felt like to find your mate, but surely what he felt right now wasn’t normal behavior or feelings. Unless he was a psychopath. 

Tightly shutting his eyes and drawing together all his strength, Jaebeom aims to try once again to see if you can break the hypnotic trance, unaffected by his abilities. However, as soon as he’s finally ready, head turned up to face you – you’re gone. You didn’t wait for him to respond to the happy birthday message. Instead, you simply left not wanting to be a burden or troublesome to whatever it was those two were doing in that alley. 

“Thank fucking god, let’s get back to it,” Ara concluded with a final roll of her eyes, gripping Jaebeom’s shoulders to get him close to her once again. He stares at her neck, but this time he doesn’t feel anything. He no longer feels thirsty and his appetite is gone. 

Jaebeom shrugs her off slightly. The encounter with you has caused him to wake up and realize what a bad idea it would be to do this right now. He hopes that Ara won’t put up a fight – he doesn’t want to have to hypnotize her if he doesn’t need to. 

At his actions, Ara takes a step away in disbelief, as if she actually can’t believe that Jaebeom is changing his mind and no longer wants her, “are you serious?” 

He doesn’t say anything but instead avoids eye contact with her just as he had done for you. 

Snorting, she glared at him, “Fine. Whatever. I don’t fucking care. I can find someone else to feed off of me. Yours never felt that good anyway. Asshole.”

Just like that, she’s out of his life once again and Jaebeom can’t help but feel thankful. He should have never been weak enough to be dragged out by here anyway. He had just been consumed by thoughts of you, alcohol, and the couple on the dancefloor. Then again, not coming out here would have robbed him of the opportunity of seeing you again and finding out that you actually knew his name. 

That’s when it dawned on him. 

Fuck… how much had you seen? What did you see? 

Jaebeom realized that he might have some explaining to do

[mk-wizard]

How “Zombie Garfield” Happened

Hello, friends.

Today, I want to talk about a comic series that is extremely special to me because it is one of the many comics that made me realize what I wanted to do as a calling and it helped shame my childhood as well as my sense of humour: Garfield. Sadly... this essay will be a negative one, but it needs to be written. It is how the “Zombie Garfield” came to be. No, it’s not a Halloween special, it is a case of how the downfall of Garfield happened and how it became nothing more than a shadow of what it once was. Note that this essay is also subjective and I am well aware that some fans like the new Garfield. I have nothing, but respect for those fans, but as someone who read Garfield from the beginning and owned a large majority of its books for the last 25 years, I can tell you that the iconic orange fat can is not what he once was and while he has yet to lose weight, he has lost a lot of his original charm. And it goes well beyond seasonal rot. To understand how Zombie Garfield came to be, I will list all the things that made classic Garfield great and how those qualities are now gone. And for the record, this is coming from someone who supports reboots and getting with the times.

1- Garfield is still and always will be a cat. - No matter out outlandish, wacky, ambidextrous his forepaws are or quirky Garfield will act, he will always fall back on being a cat. He cannot talk meaning no one can understand or hear his thoughts, he walks on four legs most of the time and he is a creature of his species habit. With the exception of eating mice that is.

In short, Garfield was smarter and more self-aware than the average cat, but he is a cat and would act like one. That was part of what made him funny, but over time, Garfield would walk only on his hind legs which now had human like feet, everyone could hear his thoughts or he could talk, and he was able to do everything a human being could do. In other words, Garfield became more like an anthropomorphic cat playing the part of a cat.

It just isn’t the same and while I love the Looney Toons for being this way, Garfield isn’t a Looney Toon. He was his own unique thing and now, that uniqueness is gone and I’m not the only who misses it. After all, Garfield paved the way for other pet themed comics thanks to being a cat. It also feels all the more wrong to stop being what he is supposed to be for that reason.

2- Garfield has a heart. - While Garfield has the personality of a problem child and slightly bullying big brother, deep down, he loves John, Odie and at one time, the comic was on the path with Garfield even growing to love Nermal. And no, this isn’t a joke. At one time, Nermal growing on Garfield was a thing.

That was also a huge part of the joke. Garfield was cynical, sarcastic and savage, but deep down, had a lot of love to give. And that is why we loved the comic strip. After all, how can you have a family slice of life comic if there’s no love? Now, Garfield’s antics have become outright sadistic to the point of being grimly homicidal which I get is funny to some, but to a long time fan like me, that is shocking and not the Garfield I know. At all. And not just Garfield. Everyone in the comic has become so mean spirited. While the Garfield family was never a perfect one, it was never dysfunctional like it is now. While even Nermal used to say clever quips, he was never actually mean because he actually admired Garfield. Now, the heart has been replaced with stone and it shows.

3- Garfield was relatable. - And not just for people with cats or for socially awkward people like Jon. Garfield was relatable to people in general because it dealt with issues that the average person could relate to. It wasn’t all about Garfield being a glutton or just putting down Jon. While exaggerated at times, at the core, we could all put ourselves in the characters’ shoes at one time or another. Kind of like, this situation right here;

Nowadays, we have Garfield taking these mission impossible type trips all the way in the Amazon jungle, he finds a dinosaur bone in his backyard and there was even a special about him becoming a superhero.

Now, I don’t mind specials that switch it up, but even the specials should be grounded in reality because that was Garfield’s major audience: real people. And I also understand that the new Garfield Show cartoon is aimed for children, but the type of episodes it features feel like they belong in another setting. Not for Garfield.

4- Everyone would win and lose some sometimes. Including Garfield. - In other words, Garfield was not a Mary Sue who would get away with everything no matter how awful he acted. Sooner or later, he would get his karma moments just like everyone else would. And on the flipside, the others would win every now and then for their efforts including Jon and Odie. This kept the characters interesting and funny.

Now, there seems to be an unwritten rule that no matter how bad Garfield acts, the worst he gets is a slap on the paw. And also, Jon just isn’t allowed to win anymore (with the exception of the point I will bring up next and I’m surprised he still has that with how he is written now). This has changed Garfield into a mischievous yet loveable cat to a borderline abuser. This is absolute not the Garfield I know at all. Sure, he was savage at times, but never cruel. And Jon was socially awkward and had a rocky love life, but he was never THIS inept.

5- Jon’s struggle with winning Liz’s heart. - If there was one true plot to Garfield, it was Jon finding true love though specifically, him trying to woo Garfield’s vet Liz. It was always kind of hinted that sooner or later, Jon would finally capture her heart and it was something we were all rooting for yet at the same time, it would be bittersweet because it would mark the end of the series just as Steve Urkell finally winning Laura Winslow from Family Matters marked the end of that series. As long as Liz only at best tolerated Jon, it meant that the story was still going on and in its defense, the comic was still funny throughout that period even if by the end, its age was starting to show.

And on a side note, I mean even years after this phase of the comic, but this is the best of the Jon wooing Liz strip’s in my opinion. Anyway, when the fateful day happened where the pair finally went steady, we all expected to end. Of course, not abruptly as there would be a few new jokes to tell, but the story ran its natural course and the only big left to do was end it on a high note with Jon and Liz most likely either getting married or at least living together... but that didn’t happen. The comic is still ongoing which is a disservice to it because all of the important jokes have run out. Now, it looks like the story will continue until Liz leaves Jon which is not a good way to end the show because instead of ending on a happy high note, it will end on a sad low note. If it even ends when that happens.

Now, as I stated before, this is all my opinion, but I have to say that in my mind, once Liz finally became Jon’s woman and the family accepted her, Garfield ended. I also want to clear the air that new Garfield in no way, shape or form changes the way I feel about my Garfield. Nothing can change that for me. I am just saying that I have lost interest in the comic and I just take it as another example of what happens when you don’t let a story end once it has run its natural course. It loses itself.

But what do all of you think? What has Garfield lost? And what is your opinion on new Garfield? I would love to hear it. If you love my essays and my work, do give me a follow and even drop me a Ko-Fi or become a patron of mine. I also make art, webcomics and I do commissions. All links are in my profile page.

Thanks for reading and as always, have a great day and stay safe.

[girl-with-cat-eyes]

Telling The Parents

Summary: Set directly after Wednesdays. Thomas tells his parents about the baby. Virgil blames himself.

Ships: Thvi

A/N: Part 2 of the Reba au you didn't know you need in your life. This time featuring twice as many asshole parents. Special thanks to @amazon-me-bitches and my lovely qpp @forever-forgotten-angel. This is a sequel to my fic to Wednesdays so if you haven't read that go read that first. It explains a lot. As lovely leave a comment if you like it!

Janus hummed as he fixed breakfast, the sweet and savory smells wafting through the house. He’d always loved cooking and was quite good at it. Pat may have been the one with the restaurant, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t able to make a delicious breakfast. Not to mention it served as a good distraction from life and upcoming discussions. Discussions with his pregnant son and his boyfriend about their baby. Janus sighed as he began warming up making hashbrowns. This was going to be an interesting conversation. 

Two sets of steps came down the stairs. Janus smiled as he saw Emile and Remy, both clad in their school clothes. He handed them each a foil packet with a waffle breakfast sandwich, “Be good at school ok. Your dad will drop you both off and I’ll pick you up from school.”

Remy nodded, “Why doesn’t Virgil have to go to school today?”

“He’s not feeling good today. I’m going to stay home and take care of him.”, It was a half-truth. But it was easier than saying that he wanted to discuss the pregnancy with Virgil and Thomas. And in truth, Virgil probably wasn’t feeling the best after last night’s draining conversation.

Emile pouted, “I wish I was pregnant so I could skip school like Virgil”, Janus blanched. He knew logically that Emile just wanted to miss school, but the thought of this happening again made his heart skip a beat. 

“Well you won't be having kids until you’re 30.”, Emile nodded and grabbed his backpack and lunch before going out to the car with Remy. Janus heard the car pull out of the driveway and got back to work cooking. 

Soon enough he heard Virgil come running downstairs, cursing up a storm as he put on his shoes. “Fuck I’m late. I’m gonna be so late. Shit, where’s my other shoe… Hi dad.”, Janus merely stared.

“I’ll let you get away with those swears just this once. Also, we agreed you’d stay home sick today. Then Thomas, you, and I were going to come up with a plan to tell his parents about the baby.”, Virgil visibly relaxed as he remembered what they discussed.

“Right. I’ll see when he’ll be here.”, Virgil sent a quick message, getting a reply that Thomas would be there in a few minutes. “He’ll be here soon. Is there any reason you’re making that much food?”. In front of Virgil laid several trays with waffles, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, pastries, a rack of toast, butter, jam, a pitcher of orange juice, and a pot of coffee brewing on the counter. 

Janus shrugged, “You, me, Patton, and Thomas. That’s 4 people. And you’re eating for two. Which makes it 5.”, he answered, not wanting to admit that cooking took his mind off of this upcoming conversation. He poured Virgil a glass of juice, “Drink. The baby will need the nutrients. And you need to eat, I don’t want either of you malnourished.”

Virgil chuckled and sipped his juice, “Overprotective dad mode is now that and overprotective grandpa mode. Good to know.”

Janus huffed, “It is not a crime to want my son and grandchild to be safe and healthy.”, It wasn’t a crime when it was Adelaide who was pregnant either. He shook off the memories, pouring warm maple syrup into a small pitcher. This time would be different, he’d make sure of it. He would take care of Virgil the way that he should have taken care of Adelaide. He’d keep his son safe. 

The front door opened and Patton Thomas both walked in. “I’m back.”, Patton called. He walked into the kitchen, “Thomas is here too. That’s a lot of food Jan.” Thomas nodded in agreement. 

Janus rolled his eyes, “You. me, Thomas, Virgil, Virgil’s baby. 5 people.”, Virgil grabbed plates from a cabinet, “Come on. Make your plates.”. They sat around the table, full plates in front of them. Janus took a bite before speaking again, “So you want to keep the baby as well then Thomas? You want to be in their life. Because I’m going to tell you this now; if you don’t, it will be better for them if you left now than if you bounced in and out of their life.”

Thomas nodded, “I want to be involved. I love Virgil and I love our baby. I want to be the father and partner they both deserve, and I intend to be exactly that. I’d like to marry Virgil. With your permission of course.”

Well, that was good at least. Janus didn’t want Virgil to end up heartbroken. He blinked as he heard the word marriage. His initial reaction was to discourage the marriage until they were older. However, Janus knew that it wouldn’t do any good anyway. His son was stubborn, and if he wanted this nothing would stop him. “Ok. But it’s Virgil’s choice ultimately.’, he looked over at Virgil, who held his hand tightly, “All I can say is that if I were you I would wait until after the baby is born to get married. It’ll be a lot less stress for the both of you. In the meantime just focus on graduating and preparing for the baby.”

Virgil nodded, “You’re supportive of the idea of us having the baby though?”

“Like I told you last night, your father and I will support you.”

Patton nodded from beside him, “We love you both and we want this baby to have a good life.”, he reached out to squeeze Virgil’s arm, “And we’ll help you out so that can happen. We want to help you.” 

“We do.”, Janus refilled his coffee before speaking again, “Have you told your parents yet Thomas?”

“No. There’s one issue.” 

“What is it?”

“My parents don’t exactly know that Virgil and I are in a relationship.”, Janus blinked. That was news to him. As far as he had known, Thomas had told his parents knew that he was in a relationship with Virgil. There had to be something else at play. 

“Why not?”, Thomas looked down and Janus was sure that he could see budding tears. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Great, “Thomas if something is wrong you can tell me, ok? Is there a reason you haven’t told your parents that you’re in a relationship?” “Because,”, Thomas took a deep breath before speaking, “because my Dad said he would kill me if he found out I was gay.”, the silence that followed was deafening. Thomas’ words hung heavily in the air like smog. Janus’s heart leaped into his throat. God, he should have known. He looked at Thomas. His head was hung low, shame apparent on his face.

Patton looked close to tears, “Oh Thomas.”, he got up and hugged the boy. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You shouldn’t have to go through that.”

Janus nodded, “And you’re not going to go through it anymore, ok.” He swallowed, mind already made up, “You can live with us.”. Thomas and Virgil both looked at him in shock. 

“Really?”, Thomas asked in a whisper. 

He nodded, “Of course. It’ll probably be better with the baby anyway.”, he gave Thomas a hug. “And we’d love to have you here, ok? You’re a good kid. You don’t deserve this.”  He pulled back and sat back down, “Here’s the plan. We’re going to finish breakfast because both of you deserve a good meal. Then Thomas and I will take the SUV and get his stuff from his parents’ house. Meanwhile, Virgil and Patton make room for your stuff. Then when we get back, I’ll go pick up Emile and Remy and pick up a pizza and we can unpack.” 

They both nodded and went back to eating. Janus sighed and poured himself some more coffee. He was going to need it today. Thomas spoke quietly from across from him, “Thank you for letting me stay here sir. I just want to do right by Virgil and our baby.” 

“You don’t have to call me sir, ok? Janus is fine. And I would let you move in regardless after that news. You shouldn’t feel unsafe in your home like this.”, Thomas smiled and looked down. Janus’ heart ached for the kid. These two kids were going to have a baby. If he didn’t know better, Janus would think to just take him to an abortion clinic regardless of what he wanted. But he knew Virgil. And Virgil was incredibly stubborn. If he didn’t think his family would support the idea he and Thomas would have just ran away. Janus would rather this baby be born here in a safe, loving, and financially secure environment than in a motel or some kind of trailer park with the two of them barely able to make ends meet. At least here they wouldn’t have to worry about paying the bills, and they both could finish school.

~

Janus left after breakfast to pick up some forms from work, telling Thomas that he would be back to pick him up and in the meantime start making room for his things. Which is exactly what they doing. Patton had run out to go check on the restaurant, wanting to make sure everything was running smoothly so it was just Virgil and him. Currently, they sat in front of Virgil’s dresser, although he supposed it was their dresser now. They’d decided on splitting it evenly in half and were now working on moving Virgil’s things to his half. He looked over at Thomas and gave him a quick kiss before speaking, “I’m sorry about breakfast. I’d have warned you ahead of time if I knew that he would start talking about your parents.”

“It’s ok.”, Thomas shrugged and kissed Virgil back. He continued folding clothing as he spoke, “At least I’ll be out of that house soon. And I’ll be with you. All I want right now is to be here for you and our baby. That’s all that matters to me right now.” Virgil sighed, “I know but you shouldn’t have to deal with that. It’s horrible that they’re like that T. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me.”, it was the truth. Virgil had been overcome with guilt since Thomas had admitted the truth about his parents. The words just kept racing around his head, “You were going through all that and I just kept asking you why you didn’t want to tell your parents about us. I’m an asshole.”

Thomas shook his head rapidly, “No you’re not. God Virgil, you’re not an asshole. I lied to you about my parents. I let you think that my parents were supportive and then just hid you from them. Of course you’d think I was ashamed of you.”. He pressed a kiss to Virgil’s head, “I love you though. I love you so much. I know it probably sounds like something a dumb teen would say but it’s the truth. I love you and our baby with all my heart.”

Virgil smiled softly, “I know. I love you too. And I already love our baby so much.”, he turned back to the dresser and blinked at what he saw. A small pastel purple quilt sat folded neatly in the bottom drawer, “I didn’t even know we still had this.”, Virgil whispered as he picked it up.

Thomas stared at the blanket in confusion, “What is it? I know it’s a blanket and all, but what’s the story?”, Virgil unfolded the quilt out in front of him.  Most of the quilt was a pastel purple and blue patchwork pattern then, about ¾ of the way up, the pattern changed to show teddy bear heads, making it looked like they were tucked in. On the back was Virgil’s birth name lovingly stitched. 

He smiled at the sight, “My mom made this for me before she passed. I thought it was lost when we moved here.”, Virgil could still remember searching furiously for the blanket after the move, Janus comforting him when he couldn’t find it. He shook his head, “Guess that shows how little use the bottom drawer huh?”

Thomas smiled and gently stroked the soft fabric; his touch soft, like he was afraid of damaging it, “Perfect timing I guess. We’re about to have a baby and all.”, he looked up at Virgil, “We could use it for the baby. Only if you want to of course. But it could be like a gift from your mother.”

Virgil smiled at the idea, “I like that.”, he turned over the blanket and frowned. His birth named stared outback at him, “One issue though.”, he gestured to the name stitch on, “I know it’s just a name, and I know she picked that name. But it’s personalized, and the thought of naming the baby my deadname feels off.”

Thomas nodded in understanding, “We could see about getting the stitching removed. And then have the baby’s name stitched on instead.”. Virgil smiled at the idea.

“I love that.”, and it was the honest to god’s truth. The thought of being able to use the blanket his mother made for him for his baby filled Virgil with happiness. The blanket had been a huge comfort throughout his life and he hoped it would be a comfort for the baby as well, “Hopefully... Nevermind.”

“What?” “It’s stupid.”, Virgil mumbled. He couldn’t believe what almost came out of his mouth. God, how insensitive would that have been?

“Virge, please just tell me what you were thinking? It’s not stupid. I promise it’s not.”, Virgil sighed, eyes trained on the quilt.

“I was going to say that hopefully we could get something of yours for the baby. It sounds stupid considering what’s about to happen.”, Virgil folded up the quilt, staring down at his lap. He’d been incredibly lucky that he’d caught himself before that came out of his mouth. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t been thinking. That was the problem. God, Thomas was about to get kicked out or worse. He would be lucky if he could get any of his things, let alone baby things. They had bigger problems than that right now. Virgil couldn’t believe how selfish he was being,

Thomas shook his head, “Virgil that’s not stupid or selfish or anything else you might be thinking It’s normal for expectant parents to want to pass things from their childhoods down to their children. I’m not mad at you for wanting that, even if I might not be able to pass something down, ok?”

Virgil shook his head, “I know but it’s my fault you have to do this. If you get kicked out or hurt then it’s my fault.”, He wanted to continue but Thomas stopped him before he could with a fierce kiss. 

“Don’t you dare say that this is your fault.”, Virgil pulled away from the kiss and could see Thomas blinking back tears, “This is in no way, shape, or form your fault ok. My parents are homophobic fucks, that’s not your fault. Moving out will be freeing. I’ll finally get to just be myself. And I’ll get to be there for you and the baby, and that’s what matters most to me right now. Not my parents, not my youtube, just you and our baby. That’s all I care about right now.” “You sound like a love interest in a Jane Austen novel when you talk like that, you know that right?”, Virgil mumbled as he pulled away.

Thomas chuckled, “I aspire to be Austen love interest levels of wonderful. Especially now. There’s going to be a lot of bullshit coming your way and it’s my fault. The least I can do is be a good boyfriend and father. I can’t believe I’m going to be a father.”

“We both are. And I thought you said this accident was both of our faults. It takes two to tango.”, He kissed Thomas, nuzzling against him as he heard a car pull up. “That’s probably my dad.”

~

Janus glanced over at Thomas for what felt like the hundredth time since they began driving over to Thomas’s house. He could see how tightly he held the custody forms in his hands. Hopefully, this would go down peacefully and Janus wouldn’t have to take them to court, god knows Thomas would be 18 before it was fully settled. 

Thomas sat beside him, his leg rapidly bouncing up and down. There was a sigh before Thomas spoke, “You’re not like mad at me about getting Virgil pregnant, are you?”. Fear showed clearly in his eyes. Janus shook his head, still looking at the road before them.

“Well, I can’t say I’m ecstatic that you two are having a baby while still in high school. But I’m not mad. Virgil was on the pill, and accidents happen. And It’s Virgil’s choice to keep the baby. Now all I can do is support you.”, he took a deep breath, “I do have one question though.”

“Go on?” 

“I know you’re making money off of your social media. And that’s good, it’ll offer some financial security. But do you have a backup plan?”

Thomas nodded, “I’m going to get a job so I have a steady income. And then I want to go to UofC, that way I’ll still be close to here. And then I want to be a doctor. That way I can support Virgil and the baby.”

Janus nodded, “I think that’s a great career plan. I could always use an assistant at the office if you need work. So long as you can file papers, of course.” Thomas looked over at him, his jaw-dropping from shock.

“Are you offering me a job?” “Sure. I need an assistant and Virgil want to work with Pat. And you’re going to need money aren’t you? I don’t think your parents will let you keep the car, will they?” “It’s in my name, thank god. I’ve been trying to make sure I’m financially separate from them for a while now. That way I wouldn’t be on my ass if they kicked me out.”, Jaus was stunned at how prepared Thomas was for things to go south. Things were seriously wrong in his home.

“Thomas? You know that you’re a part of our family now, right? And not just because you and Virgil are having a baby. We all care about you. You know that right?”, Thomas nodded, but the tears in his eyes told Janus otherwise.

~

Virgil paced as he waited for his dad and Thomas to get back. Surely couldn’t take this long. Then again, they were most likely packing up everything. Not to mention Janus had to pick up Remy and Emile from school. That would certainly add time to their trip. God, the waiting was the worst part. He’d tried to busy himself by catching up on his homework, but every noise had him running to the window to see if it was them.

After the 5th trip to the window, Patton invited him downstairs to help him bake some treats for Emile’s school bake sale. Virgil was glad to help. So here they were, mixing up a batch of brownies for Emile to take to school. It was relaxing, almost. Took his mind off of everything. Maybe he should bake more often.

“What’s on your mind?”, Virgil jumped and looked up at Patton. His dad smiled at him as he chopped up chocolate, the look in his eyes both comforting and inquiring, “Something’s on your mind. You can tell me. Only if you want to though.”

Virgil shrugged, “I was just thinking that I should bake more. It’s relaxing, take your mind off of things.”, like the fact that he was pregnant at 17 and his boyfriend was about to get kicked out of his home by his homophobic parents. 

Patton nodded, “There’s a reason I bake so much. Beyond wanting to have baked goods in the house at all times. What are you trying to take your mind off of?”, Virgil watched as he dumped half of the chopped chocolate into a double boiler.

“Everything. I know that keeping the baby is my choice and that you and dad would support me if I wanted to get an abortion or give the baby up. And I do want to keep the baby. It’s just a lot. Especially with Thomas. It’s my fault he’s going to get kicked out or worse. This wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t gotten pregnant.” “Oh baby bat.”, Pat sighed and pulled Virgil into a hug, “What’s happening isn’t your fault. It’s solely Thomas’ parent’s fault. They’re bigots.”

Virgil leaned into the hug, “How do I stop feeling guilty?” “I’m not sure. I know something you can do though. Make him feel welcome here. It’s something we can all do, ok?”

Virgil nodded, but before he could say more, the front door opened and Emile and Remy came running into the kitchen. “Why’s your boyfriend moving in with us?”, Remy asked as he sat his backpack on the counter. “Because they suck?”

“Virgil!”, Patton admonished, “Don’t say that. Even if they do suck?” “Too late.”, Virgil called back as went into the living room. Thomas was just walking in, a large suitcase rolling in behind him. Virgil could see tears brimming in his eyes. He ran forward to hug him, “How’d it go?”

“They signed over custody. Your dad went to get the rest of my stuff. It’s mostly filming stuff left.”, Thomas murmured, “We came in and I told them that I’m gay and we’re having a baby. Then your dad asked for custody until I turn 18. And they just signed it over without any questions. I know it’s a good thing I’m here now but part of me wished they would have fought. Or been accepting. They just said that he could keep me. And they looked at me like I was a disease.” “You’re not a disease.”, Virgil promised, “And there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re amazing and wonderful and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Your parents just suck.”

“I’m the lucky one here. God, Virge, they called the baby an abomination. Our baby. I hate them”

“I know”, Virgil mumbled before kissing Thomas gently, “Come on, let’s go unpack your things. And then we can cuddle.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. There’s no one else I’d rather have this baby with.”

~

A/N: Today's fic was brought to you by asshole parents, homophobe, and copious amounts of guilt. The perfect trio for having angst in any fic. I'm taking prompts for this series so leave a message if you have a prompt.

[razieltwelve]

My Origin Story

I’m often asked about how I got into self-publishing. It’s something I’ve talked about in previous posts, but I want to talk about it again. It’s been years since I started, and I think time has given me something of a different perspective.

I’ve wanted to be a writer for a long time. However, I first began to take my writing more seriously in high school. I started posting my writing on the internet under various pseudonyms, and I gradually honed my skills. I won’t say I was good back then, but I steadily became less horrible. It still wasn’t something I showed to people I knew in my everyday life, not even to my family. My writing was, in my opinion, still too rough and raw to present to others, except via the anonymity of the internet.

Fast forward to university. I continued to improve my writing as best I could. In fact, I devoted most of my spare time to writing. It was at this point that I began to write fan fiction. Now, I can already tell what some of you are thinking, but writing fan fiction was honestly the best decision I could have made at the time. Fan communities are wonderful things. You don’t have to be the best writer to be welcomed, and you can get access to a far larger amount of critique and advice than you would get as some random lone writer on the internet.

My writing improved markedly during this time since I was now getting regular feedback. Now, obviously, it’s true that most fan fiction readers aren’t professional writers or critics. Sometimes, all you get is “I like the bit where people got stabbed”. Yet amongst all of the one word reviews, random hate messages, and simple but welcome words of encouragement, you do meet people who are genuinely interested in helping you improve. I’m talking about detailed reviews that can be pages long, covering everything from sentence construction to overarching plot critiques.

In my Honours year, I finished my first novel. Before you ask, it’s not something that I’ve published although I do intend to go back and fix it up one day. What mattered wasn’t how good it was. No. What mattered was that I actually finished a novel-length story. It was a bit of mess at times, but it was 100,000 words of original fiction. Sure, it wasn’t great, but it was mine. I actually printed it out and had it bound in a manner similar to my Honours thesis.

During my PhD years, I continued to write, and I began to submit my short stories to fiction magazines while sending out inquiry letters to agents and publishers about my longer stories. Over the four years of my PhD I wrote three novels and many short stories.

And this is where my origin story takes a bit of a dark turn.

Do you want to know how many short stories I got published?

Zero.

Do you want to know how much interest I got from publishers and agents about my longer stories?

Zero.

That’s right. I got absolutely zero interest from anyone about my original fiction.

That’s not a good feeling, let me tell you. It can be very disheartening. I might have thrown myself into fan fiction with a bit more enthusiasm then because at least there, in those communities, people liked what I wrote. Despite all the rejections from publishers and agents, I could at least say that in certain communities, my writing was well-loved and respected.

After bashing my head into the proverbial wall for a couple of years, I began to look into self-publishing. If my writing was genuinely good, then surely I’d be able to sell at least a few copies if I self-published. I wasn’t going to get ahead of myself and predict best-seller status or anything, but I had to be able to sell something, right?

I spent the next few months studying the market and learning how to make eBooks and design covers. Finally, I was ready. The very first book I self-published was The Last Huntress. That book was a labour of love. I pored over every sentence. I obsessed about the characters and the setting. I promoted it as best I could via the communities I was a part of, and then I sat back and waited for the magic to happen.

That last part, the bit about the magic? That was sarcasm.

There was no magic.

In that first month, I sold something like 17 copies.

All told, that translated to around $6.50 for me.

Staring at that result was not the happiest moment of my life. I did the mental arithmetic. Even if I increased my sales a hundred fold, it still wouldn’t be enough for me to make a living via writing. Heck, I could increase my sales three hundred fold and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Luckily, my years of unrelenting failure had somewhat numbed me to this latest failure. I decided to try again. The sequel and some other stories actually managed to do a little better, but that was hardly saying anything. It’s kind of like how if your leg has been cut off, you probably won’t feel the pain of a broken finger all that much.

After a full year of massive failure, my knee decided to explode because of course it did.

Cue surgery.

Cue misery.

Cue six weeks with my leg locked straight in a brace.

Sitting on my couch with my leg propped up beside me, I decided that I wanted to write something different. No more serious fantasy. No more high fantasy. My humorous fan fiction was what had first endeared me to readers, so maybe it was time to write something funny. Besides, it might take my mind off the fact that I had weeks of my leg in a brace to look forward to along with months of physiotherapy.

And don’t even me started on how awkward it was to have a bath or use the toilet.

I was throwing around ideas for what kind of story I could write when a scene came to mind: a necromancer being forced to beat his own wayward creation to death. All I really had was that one scene. It sounded pretty funny to me, so I started writing just to see where it would go.

Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf is what that idea became.

That book sold more copies in a month than all of my previous books combined had managed in a year. In fact, it managed to outdo all of my previous books combined several times over.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to see those numbers rolling in. It wasn’t a bestseller by any means, but it was the first time that I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t wasting my time, that maybe I could actually do this.

Things have changed a lot since then.

I’ve written more books, and although they’ve had varying degrees of success, they’ve all done so much better than I could ever have imagined during the doldrums of that first year. Humour, it seems, is what I’m best suited to, along with slice of life, and I’m more than happy to embrace that. I’ve even been lucky enough to have some of my books turned into audiobooks.

So there’s my origin story.

It’s easy, I think, to only remember the things that worked, but it’s important to remember the failures too. Writing isn’t an easy thing to do, especially if you’re aiming to make a living out of it. People can be cruel. You’re going to get reviews from people saying that you’re awful, that your story sucks, and that you should quit writing. But you’re also going to get reviews telling you that your story made someone’s day, that you made someone smile, that they can’t wait for the next book.

I wouldn’t be the writer I am today without those years of failure and disappointment. One of the most important qualities to have if you’re going to write humour is the ability to laugh at yourself and to make light of both the very strange and the very mundane. Moreover, a writer should be honest with themselves if they want to improve.

You can argue with reviewers. You can argue with critics. But you can’t argue with $6.50 worth of sales in a month.

I suppose that’s why I tend to be quite sympathetic to the underdog in my writing. I am one. I know what it’s like to put your heart into something and come up empty handed. I had that happen to me for years. I also know how important it is to celebrate the little wins and the small triumphs. Sometimes, they lead to bigger things, and sometimes, they’re all you have.

Well, that’s it. That’s my origin story.

It’s not exactly glorious. It’s filled with more than its fair share of failures. But it is my story. Mine. And that matters. Anyone who tells you that there isn’t some luck involved in the writing business is crazy. Luck is definitely a thing. But just being lucky isn’t enough. It takes years of hard work to become good enough to make the most of that luck, and it takes a certain level of idiocy/stubbornness to keep going despite everyone slamming doors in your face.

It’s a good thing, then, that I’m a lucky, stubborn idiot.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here or on Audible here. Also, just in case you missed it… The Sheep Dragon is out on Audible now! Get it here. It’s 26 and a half hours of fun, humour, and adventure!

[lucy-268]

Revelations

A/N - This is ‘the talk’ and it takes place a week after Regrets. You can find that on my masterlist. Also, this meets the requirement for the @choicesweeklychallenge​. You belong to me can be found in bold.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to PB

Warnings: none? I don’t think even language.  

Series/Pairing: Open Heart - Ethan x f!MC (Charley Valentine)

Word count: 4,466

*****Thursday*****

“Has Denver General sent us any more information, or will I just find out when I get there?” June asked.

Consulting his notes, Ethan answered her. “Dr. Morgan said that he would send us the remaining test results as soon as he gets them. He’ll be sending them to all of us, so if you want to discuss the case with any of us we’ll all have the same information.”

June never looked up from the report she was reviewing. “I doubt it will be necessary.”

“Regardless of whether you think it’s a necessity, you will keep me informed of the case.” Ethan reminded her.

“Of course, Ethan.” June said. “If you don’t need me for anything else, I’m going to get ready for my flight?”

“You don’t want to hear about my new patient?” Baz asked her.

June glanced at him. “My flight leaves in less than three hours, so no. At least not right now.” She gathered her files and left saying goodbye to the rest of the team.

“Baz, what is going on with your new patient?” Charley asked.

“Late-onset Chediak-Higashi Syndrome. For me as an immunologist, I find it extremely interesting, especially as the patient is thirty-two and just diagnosed.”

Charley looked between Baz and Ethan. “Is this a team patient?”

“No. This is a patient of Baz’s. We will have a new patient coming in on Monday for which you will be primary.” Ethan held up a folder.

Baz briefed them on his patient, excusing himself when he received a page saying the patient was being admitted.

“And then there were two,” Ethan handed her the folder.

She flipped it open and read through the file. “Twenty-five year old male. Diabetic. Joint pain and muscle weakness.” Charley looked at him. “Do you know what it is and you want me to figure it out?”

Ethan shook his head. “I have a couple of ideas but I don’t know for sure what it is. You should have several ideas right now.”

“The symptoms can be just about anything. You said he gets here on Monday ?”

He nodded. “He’s already been to Mass Kenmore several times. Even though we have sent a release signed by the patient, Terrance hasn’t sent the files to us. So we may start with spinning our wheels testing for things that they have already tested for and eliminated.”

Charley studied the file again. “Did you see the iron levels here? I think the first thing is a liver biopsy?”

“Are you telling me that’s what you are going to do, or asking me if I think that’s the right choice?” Ethan asked her.

Her head snapped up. “That’s what I’m going to order. I’ll even have the order written so the test is run as soon as he’s admitted.” Charley met his eyes. “What?”

Ethan smiled. “There aren’t a lot of doctors who could have figured out to start with that test after reviewing a file for less than fifteen minutes. Let alone a second year resident. So I am impressed.” He reached over and stroked the back of her hand. “You often impress me.”

She turned her hand and laced their fingers. “It’s Thursday.”

“So it is.”

“Last week you texted me and said we would talk on Saturday.”

“Yes. And we decided we’d have dinner at six.”

Charley met his eyes. “You aren’t going to change your mind?”

“We’re meeting at my apartment. I’ll be there. We are long overdue for the talk. And I’m sorry for that.”

Charley smiles. “Will I finally get my chicken?”

“You will not. We’ve made the chicken together,” he held up his hand when she was going to interrupt, “this time, we’ll make something else. You plan the meal.”

“We may have made the chicken together but I never got to try it.”

“I want to see what you come up with. You can create any menu you want. Email me what we need and I’ll go shopping.” Ethan smiled at her.

Charley considered for a minute. “Anything?” When Ethan nodded, she continued, “My grandma had an amazing pot roast recipe. We could roast it in the oven or use a crockpot. It’s always best if it cooks on low in the crockpot, so that would take about seven or so hours. I’ll email you the list, and I guess I’ll be there late morning. I guess we’ll also have lunch together, too. That’s alright, isn’t it Ethan?” She didn’t even wait for his answer before she left the office.

Charley watched the office door to see if he was going to come after her and inform her they would not be spending the entire day together.

Ethan sat at his desk, he smiled as he realized that life would never be boring around Charley Valentine.

*****Saturday*****

Sienna pushed open Charley’s bedroom door. “Are yo-” Sienna stopped mid-sentence. She heard several loud thuds and  wanted to ask if Charley was okay, but she did not expect the scene she witnessed. She also didn’t see her roommate. “Charley!”

“I’m here,” Charley called, pushing herself out from under the bed. “I was looking for this shoe. That I can’t wear now. Thank you, Lucy!” The shoe had become a chew toy for their pet.

Lucy, their fennec fox, sat in the middle of Charley’s bed, looking proud of herself.

“Forget the shoe, we understand what happened to it.” Sienna looked around the room. “Was there a bomb? Are you telekinetic? Did your closet and dresser decide to vomit every article of clothing you own into your room?”

“I’m looking for something to wear, and I don’t have anything! I got off at five yesterday, I should have gone shopping!”

Sienna remembered the day a couple weeks ago when Charley got home late clad in someone else’s clothes. Based on her own conversation with a certain someone, Sienna had a pretty good idea who. Now she was frantically trying to find something special to wear. “What’s his name?”

Charley froze. “What’s whose name?”

“Obviously, the guy that you’re spending your day with. The same one you were with when you came home wearing clothes that were way too big for you. So, who is it?”

“No one,” Charley stated. “I’m not spending the day with anyone.”

“Yet you canceled on Bryce and me for today.” Sienna picked up a Columbia t-shirt and a pair of jeans with a rip in the knees. “Here, put these on.” She smiled. “I mean, if you aren’t doing anything special today, it doesn’t matter what you have on.”

Charley looked at the clothes that Sienna tossed on her bed. She had to leave for Ethan’s before Sienna would be leaving to meet Bryce, and she still didn’t know what she was going to wear.

Sienna watched her. “I heard that Dr. Ramsey also has today off. And he did when you had your second day off two weeks ago.”

Charley froze and looked to the door. “Everyone else is working today and they’re gone?”

Sienna nodded and sat down on Charley’s bed. “Uh-huh.”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“So it wasn’t just the one night when he spent the night here?”

“That day we went to the country club and later I went to his apartment to talk to him? That was the first time, and the night after my hearing was the second. It was also the last time.” Charley sighed. “Then he went to the Amazon so we could ‘reset’ since he would be my director supervisor.” Charley sighed. “Since he’s been back he says we need to stay away from each other, but then he’ll kiss me. Today we’re going to ‘talk.’ We’ve been supposed to talk since right after the softball game, but it kept getting delayed.”

Sienna smirked at her. “You had on his clothes the day you came home.”

Charley's face turned red. “We spent the day together with his dad in Providence. We took his dog for a walk and I fell into a mud puddle.”

“You’ve met his family!”

“His dad. He hadn’t told Alan that he was bringing me with him. Ethan had never taken anyone home with him before, not even Harper Emery.”

“Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Emery were a thing!” Sienna’s mouth dropped open.

“I don’t know if it’s really common knowledge. Aurora probably knows. I saw the two of them talking once and it seemed intimate. It was the day before they announced the opening on the diagnostics team. I did ask him about it later and he said he likes to keep his private life private, but he did say they had an on-again, off-again thing but it ended permanently when she became chief.” Charley rested her head on her hand. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything. Don’t tell anyone.”

Sienna mimed sealing her lips. “I thought that you and Bryce were kind of together.”

“We hooked up a couple of times but we both agreed to be casual.”

“And with Ramsey, you don’t want casual?”

“I don’t.” Charley chewed on her lip. “Sienna, I’m terrified about today. I know that everything is going to change.”

“Well then, let’s get you ready.” Sienna picked up the t-shirt and jeans. “This probably won’t do; we’ll find something else.”

Charley was just getting ready to leave when her phone rang. She looked at the caller id and sighed. “If you’re calling to cancel-” she started.

“I’m not,” she heard his rich baritone as well as a smile in his voice. “I had to go to the hospital to pick up something. If you haven’t left yet you can ride with me. I’m outside your building.”

“I’ll be down in a minute.” Charley disconnected, smiling.

Soon they were in his apartment. She kicked off her shoes at the door and stood there when he walked further into the apartment. He got half way through the living room when he realized she wasn’t with him. He turned to find her at the door. “If we want to make this pot roast we need to go to the kitchen.”

Charley gave a nervous laugh and stepped away from the door. She tossed her purse on the couch as they walked into the kitchen. They washed their hands and Ethan pulled his crockpot out of the pantry while Charley pulled the roast out of the refrigerator. She saw the printout from her email with the image of her grandma’s recipe. Ethan gathered the rest of the ingredients while Charley brewed a pot of coffee.

“Why the crockpot instead of a roasting pan in the oven? I saw the recipe had directions for both with cooking times for either low or high in the slow cooker.”

“It tastes better and is more tender.”

Ethan smirked. “It does not. And we need to use the Dutch oven even if it’s just to brown the roast.”

“Maybe it doesn’t do a lot for the taste, but it is more tender.” Charley watched as the coffee finished brewing, standing  with her back to him. “It takes longer to cook in the slow cooker on low and I wanted to spend more time with you.” She gave a short laugh. “Funnily enough, now that I’m here, I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

She turned to face him. “I think that today may change everything, and I’m hopeful but I’m also scared. I’ve been wanting to sit down with you away from the hospital with just the two of us for so long, but now that we’re actually going to do that...” She bit her lip.

“Now you understand why I’ve been putting it off. But I’ve done a lot of thinking. And I talked to Naveen. We are long overdue. Today will change everything but we will be in agreement with it, I think.”

Charley nodded. Ethan turned back to the counter.  “Let’s get this set for dinner, fix lunch, and talk.”

Charley browned the roast in the Dutch oven while Ethan chopped the vegetables and herbs. Once the roast was in the crockpot, Charley cooked the onion. Once they started to soften, they added the rest of the ingredients, including the coffee. “Why coffee?” Ethan asked.

Charley smiled, watching the mixture simmer. “Is this a quiz, same as ‘why neat’ that first night at Donahue’s?”

“Genuine curiosity. As much as I love coffee, I’ve never had pot roast cooked in coffee. I found the recipe interesting.”

“It helps to tenderize the meat and gives the gravy a richer flavor.”

Once the gravy and onion mixture was cooked, Ethan poured it over the meat and set the timer. While Charley washed the accumulated dishes, Ethan fixed salads for lunch. They took their plates to the living room and sat side-by-side on his sofa.

“You talked to Naveen about us.” When he nodded, she continued, “I talked to Sienna.”

They fell into a silence while they ate. Charley glanced at him every so often.

He pushed the last piece of lettuce around on his plate before finally setting the plate on the coffee table. He turned to her; she mimicked his moves and faced him.

“Ethan, I’ve said for a while that a relationship with you is an easy decision for me. It’s what I want. I think that we could be good together, amazing even.”

Ethan nodded. “I know. You aren’t the problem, I am. I want to be able to push you to be the best doctor you can be.”

“You can do that professionally, regardless of any personal relationship we have. I can take criticism from Dr. Ramsey and know that it isn’t coming from Ethan.”

“You’re assuming that I can also have that division.”

That got Charley’s attention. “You’re Ethan Freakin’ Ramsey. You can do anything you try to. If you want to make the distinction you will. And if you cross the line, I’ll let you know.”

“Another problem-”

Charley put her hand on his arm. “If you just want to list a lot of potential possible problems, why are we even having a discussion? Earlier you said that today would change everything and you thought we’d be in agreement.” She folded her arms across her chest and focused on a picture hanging on the wall. “If you thought that I’d change my mind about us, you’re wrong. If you thought you could list all the reasons why we can’t be together and why you won’t be with me, I was right to be nervous about this. If that’s-”

Ethan reached over and grabbed her chin, forcing her to face him. “What I want to do is identify the obstacles or potential obstacles we face so we are both aware of them, and to decide how we need to handle them in the future.” He wiped a tear out of her eye. “Because in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I very much do want to be with you.”

Charley grabbed his hand and kissed his palm before lacing their fingers together. She smiled at him. “I’m sorry for my outburst. Continue, please.”

“Another problem is the board. They don’t like interoffice romances. Naveen seems to think this won’t be an issue. He seems to think that as long as it isn’t impacting the care of the patients, or the bottom line of the hospital, they wouldn’t care, nor would they even need to be aware. I disagree with him on this. I think the board makes it their business to know what goes on in the hospital.”

Charley interrupted again. “I know that there are married couples at the hospital. Was it a problem when you and Harper were together?” Ethan drew in a deep breath when she asked that. “If you don’t want to answer that you don’t have to.”

“I will. It was not a problem and the board did not have an issue with it when she was head of neurosurgery and I was a fellow on the diagnostics team. If our relationship would have continued when she was chief or if I had been a surgeon, it would have been a problem. Any other couples at Edenbrook do not work in the same area, and one member of the couple is not another’s supervisor.”

Ethan continued, “I don’t want anyone to think that you got the position on my team because of our relationship. I don’t want anyone to have any doubt about that. You earned it.”

Charley nodded. “I did earn it. You weren’t even the one who put me on the team. Naveen did.”

Ethan agreed that while that was true, many people at the hospital could have thought that he asked Naveen to do that.

“If anyone has doubts, I graduated at the top of my class at Columbia. Not near, I was ranked first. In fact if anyone had ranked all med school graduates my year from around the country, I’d probably be in the top fifty.”

Ethan laughed. “Someone did. And you are higher than that. You are somewhere in the top twenty. I’m not going to narrow it down more than that for you.”

“Based on that, I think I earned the right to be on the team. Not to mention helping to cure Naveen last year. Our relationship had nothing to do with it. Well except for the fact you inspired me to go to med school in the first place. And I wanted to work with you, which is why I came to Edenbrook.”

“We probably don’t want to advertise our personal relationship at work. The hospital has a wonderful gossip network and we’ll need to be careful. That being said it probably won’t be long before everyone knows about us.”

“That sounds okay. But some people will know. I told Sienna and you told Naveen. My roommates will know I’m seeing someone, and will make it their mission to find out who.” Charley wasn’t sure if she should mention the next part, but figured she might as well. “June does, or she thinks she does. At least that was what she implied the day I caught her with my personnelle file.”

Ethan froze. “She had your file?”

Charley nodded. “She said that she reads the files for everyone she works with. She tried to tell me you asked her to get it for you, but I knew you wouldn’t have.”

“I’ll deal with her when she gets back from Denver. Your roommates and Naveen are fine.”

“If my roommates know Bryce will also know; and if Aurora does, Harper might.” Charley looked up at him. “Can we talk about Harper?”

“I thought we already had.”

“You ended things when she became chief. If she wouldn’t have, would you still be together, do you think?”

“We would not. We were together because it was mutually beneficial to the both of us. But we were never going to last.”

She smirked at him. “By ‘mutually beneficial’ do you mean it was convenient and the sex was good?”

“Yes.” Ethan said. “But then last year something happened that I knew would never lead Harper and I together again.” When Charley tipped her head to show she was interested in his answer, he continued. “Last year, an intern showed up and turned my life inside out. And I can’t get her out of my head.”

Charley started to move towards him, and he stopped her. “What about the scalpel jockey?”

Charley lips twitched. “His name is Bryce.”

“I’m aware, and you didn’t answer the question.”

“We hooked up twice, once at our housewarming party and again once after we were at Donahue’s. We almost did the night we researched treating Mrs. Martinez, but you’d already kissed me in Miami. I wasn’t interested in anyone else at that point.” She looked at the ground before meeting his eyes. “Bryce is a friend and a good one. I trust him. I also know if I ever did want a relationship with him, I’d have that choice. I don’t, and Bryce respects that.”

“As long as he knows that you belong to me.” Ethan pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her.

“And you belong to me!” Charley shifted slightly on his lap and felt his hardness under her thigh. “We could continue this in the bedroom.”

“A very good idea.” As Ethan stood and lifted her, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her into the bedroom.

Several hours later, they were laying with their legs tangled together, voices soft in the quiet room when an alarm on her phone beeped.

“Somewhere you need to be?” He kissed the top of her head.

She pushed herself up. “Actually, yes. The kitchen. I need to start the vegetables.”

He walked over to his closet and pulled out a robe that on him would reach mid-thigh. He tossed it to her, before grabbing another for himself. This one hit him at mid-calf. “You could have this one if you wanted.” She indicated the robe she hadn’t yet tied. It fell below her knees.

He snorted. “Be responsible for you tripping in this one? I don’t think so.”

As Charley gathered what she needed for the roasted cauliflower, Ethan grabbed the green beans. Charley explained that sometime they would fix potatoes with the roast, but her grandfather grew up near Idaho and often decided he wanted anything other than potatoes, so they would have cauliflower. “I don’t like raw or steamed, but I really like them roasted with this mustard sauce.”

Charley watched Ethan pull a cake plate out of the refrigerator. “Dessert?” At Ethan's acknowledgment she asked what it was. He wouldn’t tell her, saying he wanted it to be a surprise.

They worked efficiently together in the kitchen, getting dinner ready. Ethan selected a red wine for them and opened it to let it breathe. He carried their plates to the dining room table.

“This is good; the coffee does make the gravy richer.”

“Grandma knows best. My grandfather grew up in Spokane and grandma in Seattle. They had a restaurant in Seattle that my dad and all my aunts and uncles worked in while they were growing up.”

“You have a big family?”

“My dad had three brothers and two sisters. But even though they had six kids, my grandparents only had four grandchildren. There was my brother and me; we grew up in Pennsylvania. My one uncle had two boys and they were in Oregon. All of my dad’s family is in the northwest and we didn’t see them often. My dad moved there after he retired and I started med school.”

Ethan watched her. “Are we going to talk about your mom’s family?”

Charley shrugged. “Not much to tell. Her parents were killed in a car accident when she was in college. She was an only child and you know why I don’t talk to her.”

As they cleared the table and kitchen he asked her what he had been wondering about. “Why did you decide to do your residency in Boston with most of your family now out west?”

“It doesn’t feel like home to me there. I figured I could do my residency anywhere; it wasn’t a commitment to stay somewhere for my life. It’s only three years.” She smiled at him. “Besides coming here let me learn from the best.”

Ethan poured coffee and set the mugs on a tray with two dessert plates. Charley watched as he lifted the cover off the cake.

“Lemon! How did you know lemon was my favorite?” Charley couldn’t resist. She swiped her finger on the edge of the cake to collect a sample of icing. She popped it in her mouth.

“I asked Sienna the other day and she told me.”

Charley stared at him. “She helped me get dressed this morning and she didn’t say anything!”

Ethan laughed. “You need help getting dressed in the mornings?”

She felt her face redden. “I… well… um. I didn’t know what to wear this morning.”

“I would have gone with clothes, but I understand that some people are fussier than others.”

“I wanted to look nice.”

“You always look nice.”

“I thought that I always looked satisfactory.”

Ethan cut two pieces of cake and added them to the tray with the coffees.

“I thought we could take these into the bedroom. If that would be satisfactory to you?”

She nodded and he carried the tray to the bedroom and set it down on the bed. He flipped a switch causing the gas fireplace to spring to life. Charley picked up her cake and snuggled back against Ethan. “I like the fireplace here.”

“I don’t often use it.”

“Why tonight?”

“Must be the company I’m keeping.”

Charley turned and straddled his lap. “You better be careful. This company could end up corrupting you.”

“I look forward to it, if that’s the case.” Ethan rolled her unto her back.

Several hours later, Charley looked at the clock. “I should go home. I have to work tomorrow and my boss can be tough if I’m late.”

“If you stay with me, I’ll be sure you’re not late,” Ethan buried his head in her neck.

“I don’t have clean clothes for tomorrow.”

“You can either grab some scrubs from the locker room or ask your roommate to bring something for you.” Ethan pointed to his dresser. “I cleared both of the bottom drawers for you, if you want them.”

Charley chewed on her bottom lip. “You knew what the outcome of our talk was going to be before we actually talked today. When did you decide you wanted-”

“The night of the softball game, when I kissed you.”

Charley stared at him. “Then why did you keep putting me off when I wanted to talk?”

“Because I kept coming up with all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. And I decided not to do that anymore. I’m tired of avoiding whatever it is we have.”

“Why do I get the two bottom drawers?”

“You’re shorter than me!” He indicates the drawer on the right. “You actually do have clean clothes in there. What you wore when we went to my dads. You at least have something to wear to the hospital.” Ethan watched her. “Any other concerns for tonight?”

“Do you have an extra toothbrush?”

Ethan shrugged. “Yes, but it’s one of the standard ones dentists hand out. It should be fine until we can get you one to keep here.”

Charley put her head on his pillow. “Then I can’t think of a single reason to get out of the warm bed right now.”

He turned off the light and slipped under the covers with her. “Neither can I.”

Tag list (if you want to be on or off let me know) @oofchoices @openheart12​  @jamespotterthefirst​  @ohchoices​  @catchinglikekeronsene  @aylamreads​  @nerdydinosaursweets​  @eramsey28​  @txemrn​  @starrystarrytrouble​  @queencarb​  @thegreentwin​  @lion-ess24​  @caseyvalentineramsey​  

@choicesficwriterscreations​  @choicesweeklychallenge​  

[hollymbryan]

Blog Tour + #Review: BRIARHEART by Mercedes Lackey (w/ #giveaway)!

Welcome to Book-Keeping! I’m thrilled today to be part of the Rockstar Book Tours blog tour for Briarheart by Mercedes Lackey. I’ve got all the details for you below, plus my review and a great giveaway, so let’s get started!

About the Book

title: Briarheart author: Mercedes Lackey publisher: Little Brown BFYR release date: 5 October 2021

From a beloved fantasy author comes this fresh feminist retelling of Sleeping Beauty about one girl destined for greatness—and the powerful sister ready to protect her by any means necessary.

Miriam may be the daughter of Queen Alethia of Tirendell, but she's not a princess. She's the child of Alethia and her previous husband, the King's Champion, who died fighting for the king, and she has no ambitions to rule. When her new baby sister Aurora, heir to the throne, is born, she's ecstatic. She adores the baby, who seems perfect in every way. But on the day of Aurora's christening, an uninvited Dark Fae arrives, prepared to curse her, and Miriam discovers she possesses impossible power. Soon, Miriam is charged with being trained in both magic and combat to act as chief protector to her sister. But shadowy threats are moving closer and closer to their kingdom, and Miriam's dark power may not be enough to save everyone she loves, let alone herself.

Add to Goodreads: Briarheart Purchase the Book:  Amazon | Kindle | Audible | B&N | iBooks | Kobo | TBD | Bookshop.org

About the Author

MERCEDES LACKEY is the acclaimed author of over fifty novels and many works of short fiction. In her "spare" time she is also a professional lyricist and a licensed wild bird rehabilitator. Mercedes lives in Oklahoma with her husband and frequent collaborator, artist Larry Dixon, and their flock of parrots.

Connect with Mercedes: Website | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Amazon | BookBub

My 3.5-Star Review

I have never read a book by Mercedes Lackey before - which honestly is kind of shocking given my age and my love of fantasy - so I was excited to sign up for the tour of Briarheart, a retelling of Sleeping Beauty that focuses not on Aurora herself but on her older half-sister, Miriam. In fact, Aurora is just a baby in this book, and when a Dark Fae shows up to her christening to curse her, fifteen year old Miriam vows to become her protector. The story is thus about Miriam’s love for her little sister, training with her newfound friends to become Aurora’s Companions, and discovering that she has both fae and human magic.

While Miriam is supposed to be fifteen, I did feel she read a little younger than that, and I think upper middle grade readers would really enjoy this story. It definitely feels like a book on the cusp of middle grade and young adult, and in this way actually reminds me of Holly Black’s Sleeping Beauty retelling that released in 2019, Heart of the Moors. I think younger readers will love the descriptions of the Light and Dark Fae, the magical talking animals, and the friendship that blossoms between Miri and the rest of the Companions. It’s also a quick read and not too difficult for middle grade readers. There was just a little something missing for me, something more that I wanted from the story.

I have a feeling this will end up being a series, as there’s so much left open and, obviously, Aurora hasn’t grown up to become Sleeping Beauty yet. Put this one in the hands of middle grade readers who want to venture into YA and young readers who love fairy tale retellings!

Rating: 3.5 stars

**Disclosure: I received a copy of the book from the publisher for purpose of this blog tour. This review is voluntary on my part and reflects my honest rating and review of the book.

About the Giveaway

Three (3) lucky winners will each receive a finished copy of Briarheart by Mercedes Lackey! This one is US only and ends 18 October 2021. Enter via the Rafflecopter below, and good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

About the Tour

Tomorrow is the final day of the tour, but here is the full tour schedule so you can go back and check out any content you have missed.

Week One:

10/4/2021 - Kait Plus Books - Excerpt 10/5/2021 - BookHounds YA - Excerpt 10/6/2021 - Rajiv's Reviews - Review 10/7/2021 - Devouring Books - Review 10/8/2021 - BookBriefs - Review

Week Two:

10/11/2021 - Thepagesinbetween - Review 10/12/2021 - The Momma Spot - Review 10/13/2021 - History from a Woman’s Perspective - Review 10/14/2021 - Book-Keeping - Review 10/15/2021 - @momfluenster - Review

[redbeardace]

Between Panic and Indifference

Okay, serious post time.

As you may know, I live near Seattle.  And if you’ve been paying attention to the news (in between the politics), you’ll know that we’re currently going through a bit of something.  I’ve been making jokes about it, but I sort of want to talk seriously about some of what it’s like here right now.

Quick recap:  About a month ago, it was announced that the first case of COVID-19/coronavirus had popped up in Everett, Washington.  Everett’s one of the larger suburbs of Seattle, home to a Boeing airplane factory, FunkoPop HQ, and Half-Price Books that I go to once in a while.  It was someone who’d been to Wuhan in China and got sick after returning to the US.  He went to the doctor, got quarantined, and that was it.  The system worked, the disease was contained, the guy got better.  And that was it.

Until last week.  Last week, they closed Bothell High School “out of an abundance of caution” in order to clean it, because a family member of someone who works at the school had gotten sick after returning from overseas travel.  Bothell is a smaller suburb than Everett.  It’s largely unremarkable, one of those places that takes up three exits on the freeway, but no one really understands why.  It’s also where I live, so hearing that the high school was closed was a bit unnerving, but also a bit ridiculous because it was all speculation.  It was a family member of a school worker, and that employee was staying home.  And it turned out that there was nothing to it, that family member did not have COVID-19.  But at least the high school got cleaned.

False alarm, back to your regularly scheduled--

Scoop Jackson High School in Mill Creek is closed on Friday, this time for a confirmed case.  Mill Creek is an even smaller suburb, sandwiched between Bothell and Everett, and it’s where my post office and a grocery store I go to is. A student had the “flu” earlier in the week, went to the doctor, the doctor said go home, get better.  So the student did that.  They got better and went back to school on Friday.  Unbeknownst to them, their doctor had performed a coronavirus test.  The student hadn’t been out of the country, hadn’t been around anyone who’d been out of the country, so they shouldn’t have had it, the doctor was just performing the test as part of some study.

It was positive.

They hadn’t been out of the country.  They hadn’t been around anyone who had been.  The only known case in the area had been contained.  There were a few cases in California that were mysterious, but at least those were linked to a possibly mismanaged quarantine situation.  But in Mill Creek, there wasn’t any of that.  Sure, it’s next to Everett where the first case was, but that was contained.  So what the hell?

Later that night, there was another case of “possible coronavirus” in Bellevue, the city where I work.

Then Saturday happened.  The first confirmed death, in Kirkland, Washington.  You know Kirkland as the Kirkland from “Kirkland Brand” at Costco.  I know Kirkland as the place I drive through on my commute that’s between Bothell and Bellevue.  Several more hospitalizations.  A news conference talks about the death and the hospitalizations and, almost as a side note, mentions 50+ people connected to a nursing home, also in Kirkland, as showing symptoms.  Fifty people.  I’m going to come back to that.  None of these people had been to China or Italy and I don’t think any of them knew anyone who had.  So what the hell?

Later that night, a scientist from a local research facility posts a short Twitter thread that potentially could have gone unnoticed.  It’s a Twitter thread for crying out loud, who knows what kind of crackpot this could be?  But it’s not a crackpot.  It actually is a local research scientist.  The thread kinda gets right to the point.  An analysis of a sample of the virus from the first patient genetically matches a sample of virus from the Mill Creek student, therefore it is highly likely that the virus has been circulating around the area, on the loose, for six weeks.

Oh.

That deadly disease that we’ve been watching cripple other parts of the world, killing thousands.  That’s here.  Now.  And it’s been here for weeks.

And by here, I mean HERE.  You may have noticed that all those cities I mentioned are places that I go regularly.  “Here” is literally right outside my door.  I am in the bright red bullseye of the hot zone, as this virus swirls around me.

After Saturday, it’s a bit of a blur what happened when, but the specifics really don’t matter.  More cases, more deaths, a Seattle skyscraper closes, Amazon closes, Microsoft closes, more schools close, including the entire Northshore School District (the district I live in), which closed today for the next two weeks.

--

So that’s the recap.  That brings us up to now.  But you could’ve gotten all that by watching the news.  I’m really writing this post to talk about what it’s like here at the moment.

I think the scariest thing about it all is that we don’t know how scared to be.  We’re used to thinking of disasters in terms of a concrete event.  Something happened, you can see the impact.  An earthquake, a school shooting, a hurricane, a terrorist attack, a volcanic eruption, a nuclear meltdown.  Most of the time, it ends, you can count the bodies, tally up the damage, and that’s that.  Even in a longer term event, you can see the lava coming and get out of the way or look at a map of the Chernobyl or Fukushima exclusion zones and avoid those places.

But this is an invisible disaster.  It’s literally in the air around us.  It’s on door handles and shopping carts and library books.  Your coworker or neighbor or roommate could be The Thing, and you have no way of knowing.  We’re playing a dangerous game of tag against an invisible opponent, and you have no idea you’re it until way too late.  

Even worse, we have absolutely no idea whatsoever how bad it actually is.  The latest official number I can find as of this writing is that there are 39 confirmed cases, and ten of those have died.  A significant number of those cases are associated with that nursing home I mentioned earlier.  So 39 isn’t bad at all, out of a couple million people in this region.  Even if you limit it to just the “bright red bullseye of the hotzone”, that’s several hundred thousand people.  So 39 out of that is nothing.  But you’ll remember that I mentioned that there were 50+ people connected to that nursing home that were sick, and only some of them are counted in that 39 number.  Then there’s a bunch of firefighters in the area who went to that nursing home, who are sick.  Family members who are sick.  And that student in Mill Creek and the first guy who died got it from somewhere...  And other random people just popping up here and there who had to get it from somewhere.  You add those all up, and it’s probably 100+ cases, but for some reason, they’re not yet confirmed (or even tested), so they don’t show up in the official counts yet.

They weren’t really testing people who hadn’t been overseas or been in contact with someone who had been, until this week.  It’s been here, on the loose, for six weeks.  There are probably thousands of cases that have gone undiagnosed.  For most people, it’s like the flu.  So how many cases of the “flu” were really COVID-19?  They’re retroactively discovering people who died prior to Saturday who had it.  Their deaths had been chalked up to some other respiratory disease.

So it’s here and it’s killing people.  But...  It’s been here for six weeks and we’re not all dead yet.  So what does that mean?  Is the disease not actually as bad as people feared?  Sure, it sucks if you get it and it’s really bad if you’re old or already sick, but so’s the flu, and we haven’t panicked about that since Seattle made it to the Stanley Cup.  If that’s the case then maybe this is as bad as it gets, which, frankly, isn’t that bad at all and we’re all overreacting.  Or are we just at the start of the spread and it’s about to go Beast Mode on us and lay us flat for two years?  We don’t know.

Everything’s shutting down except huge gatherings like ECCC and the Sounders games.  King County just bought a motel to use as a quarantine site.  Stay in your car on the ferry.  Awkwardly jab elbows instead of shaking hands.  But only ten people have died out of 4 million, and all of those ten had “underlying conditions”, and it hasn’t been bad enough for anyone to notice until now, so...

So what are we supposed to do about all this?  Raid every store for every last bottle of Purell and every last roll of toilet paper and hunker down in our homes like it’s the end of days?  Or do nothing in particular because enh no biggie?

It’s like we’re standing on a beach and we’ve been told that maybe a tsunami is coming.  We’ve been standing here for a month and a half, and the water is up to our ankles and we’ve just noticed our feet are wet.  Is the tsunami still coming?  Is this the tsunami?  Or is this just the tide?

It’s weird living like this.  You find yourself doing things in different ways, noticing things you never noticed.  Every morning now, I’m checking my work email before driving in, just in case we’ve been told to work from home “out of an abundance of caution”, or worse, told that we need to self-quarantine because someone in the office tested positive.  Every night, I bring my laptop home in case this is the last day I’m in the office for a while.  Everyone’s telling a lot of morbid jokes.  Traffic is amazing.  There are even spots on the second level of the parking garage and there are NEVER spots on the second level when I get in.  Every cough is treated with suspicion, and your coworkers cough a lot.  Every door handle is treated with suspicion, and there are a lot of door handles. No one from the other offices is allowed to travel to our office and we’re not allowed to go elsewhere.  I’m getting targeted ads for hand sanitizer and Windex. I had a slight tickle in my throat that might just be allergies, but I started mentally doing contact tracing of everywhere I’d been and everyone I’d talked to over the past two weeks.  I’ve never even considered that I might have allergies before.  I have a day off tomorrow, so do I risk going to the store to make sure I have at least three weeks of supplies, instead of only the two weeks I currently have, just in case?  Or do I go to the store just to see the circus of empty shelves?  Or do I go to the store to buy an Xbox One X so if I do get quarantined, at least I can be quarantined with True 4K Gaming?

--

I was listening to the radio this morning, and they were interviewing musician Dave Matthews about the coronavirus.  He was talking about touring while this is going on, and how he might come home to Seattle between the legs of his tour, and he said something like “We’ve got to find a balance between panic and indifference”.  And I just felt like that’s the best possible way to describe where we are right now.

Seattle:  Somewhere between panic and indifference.