#idk maybe this is just going to be vent post/tags
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Woo
#birthday plans#so far 25 feels like#almost getting into a crash on the highway while sobbing uncontrollably#and then wondering if you died if you coworkers would be the first to notice#i should put tag warnings sorry#tw depression#tw death#like thoughts at least#tw suicidal ideation#maybe?#idk anyways#i rarely see my roommate#i havent done shit with friends Outside in.... i really dont know#and they would just assume im depressed or out and probably not really question me not reading messages#idk maybe this is just going to be vent post/tags#cuz it's still fucked up how my roommate tried using with me as an excuse not to meet up with family he's on good terms#on my actual birthday mind you#but nothing was planned#normal days im fine being an excuse for stuff like that especially family#but not for days where i shouldnt? dont want to? sit alone while my roommate grinds a video game with no contact#im sure if any friend sees this whole thing it will be Discussed in group chat#but i cant really bring myself to care or worry#idk i only see my coworkers a day and a half a week and thats more than anyone else outside my cat
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This is, like, the third or fourth time (if not MORE) that I see a person apologize for talking about touken, showing enjoyment in the ship or needing to give some clarification. I know I'm not the only one who feels like the TG Tumblr space carries a negative atmosphere towards touken and it honestly kills my mood to post on here.
It also saddens me to see people show love for them so hesitantly. Like you're in the wrong for doing so. Like it's stupid. Like it's silly and unreasonable. Like it's almost shameful. Idk! That's how posting on here and see other people talk about them and acting ashamed about liking them makes me feel!
For how much TG tumblr advertises to be a welcoming space, I don't feel welcomed at all and more like just tolerated.
#maybe I should be blocking more freely. maybe thats the mistake im doing#the tg sexywoman tournament wasnt fun because instead of uplifting your fave#it kinda turned into dunking on touka#im not gonna stop posting on tumblr for those few who yk. actually like touken#but im alresdy interacting less here because of that atmosphere#and maybe its gonna be even less#idk man. im annoyed rn KWVFJWJDJ#im just glad i have the touken community on twt#i feel very appreciated there and not like im being delusional for liking the canon ship#im making this post to also see if others relate and im not overreacting#tg#ken kaneki#touka kirishima#touken#tokyo ghoul#yh going to the main tags#vent
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THE USOS REUNITE WWE SMACKDOWN (OCTOBER 25, 2024)
#no useful tags just me bitching lmao#i am SO unmoved#im praying theres more to all this than them just speedrunning this reunion just so certain things can line up in time for ple shows#and so wrestling fans with less than one braincell can get the instant gratification of their favwit tag team together again 🥺#bc oh bite me lolllll#so much of this ~cinema~ is starting to feel rushed and im just hoping theres turns or angles or REASONS for it#but thats asking me to trust wrestling with carrying storylines fully and i do NOT#the things i wanted most from this story were jey getting proper acknowledgement/vindication and apology for his abuse#and explanation for why the family treats solo as they do (and then expect him to be a well adjusted adult lmao)#jey has NO reason to forgive them yet like did they buy him hallmark cards behind the scenes?#and theyve done much worse to him for much longer the new bloodline#you dont get to brag about this being the greatest slowburn long term cinema storytelling and then just....#im HOPING so bad its not just as simple as it looks i am#they keep swearing theres so many more 'innings' to this so idk prove me wrong please literally do#but that still wont make me moved by ✨og bloodline reunion✨#bc what yall mean yall are still the heels in my eyes like why do you have so many family members yall left on the side of the road#while talking about family above all and dont divide family lmao#and i get ~twin bond~ but LORD#actually that twin bond excuse is evil too#solo go bring in jeremiah since hes technically part of wwe canon too and beat their asses together actually lmao#i aint forgot jey saying something like having brothers is great but how being a twin is just different/special#like yeah sure but can you not make your other siblings sound like secondhand brothers or whatever shdhfhjf#ok im done. for now. for this post. maybe.#venting about my interests is fun for me ok#its how i process the information given to me and understand it#and also i like to bitch
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You know, a long time ago I read this stupid ass Reddit comment complaining how they couldn't understand why people were "obsessed with making Crocodile a woman", and of course I just looked at it like "bro, if he's trans then he literally ISN'T a woman, that's the whole point, nobody wants Croc to be a woman 💀"
But I feel like the more and more Dragodile seems to pick up in popularity the more I keep on running into fanart where Croc's either being feminized/woobified/intentionally made to look smaller, more petite and feminine than Dragon, or straight up he's been detransitioned to live as a woman farting out more babies 24/7, not to mention the constant she/her'ing and calling Croc a "mom"
Like people are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want, but man. Some of y'all really do want Croc to stop being a trans man and be a woman instead. That's just so emotionally distressing to realize.
#Moon posting#OP Meta#Like maybe there isn't THAT MUCH that kind of content it's just that when I do run into it it sticks out more#And to be fair. The mpreg girlies love mpreg and getting a ship with such a blatant opportunity for it is too good to pass up on etc#Like. Like I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have to block half the fucking OP fandom#I already feel (slightly) bad for blocking people for posting untagged Croc genderbends on sight#I could start blacklisting more and more keywords/tags to maybe help avoid some of the Distressing content#But between Not Everyone Tags Their Shit To Begin With and What If I Miss Out On Stuff That's Isn't Personally Distressing#(Like not all depictions of stuff like IDK pregnancy are equally Distressing either. Some is fine. Others make me want to jump off a bridge#Going ham on the blacklist wouldn't help either#Do I just have to stop going in the tags for content. Like I guess there aren't many other choises huh#I don't even care for Dragodile that much I'm more just invested in Crocodad#I'm sorry I just wanted to vent
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why does he look like that
🏳️🌈?
#hes like a bug or somethig idk#sorrgy abkut the last post it wasnt supposed to go here <3 but i dont feel like copying all the tags 👍#i need to make a doodle tag hwre or soemthing . ive said that already i just never did it#anf a complainging tag . or maybe a complaining blog because i dont want 2 bothe rpkeple . but not all of it belongs on the vent (??( blo#all of thay is unrelated to the doodle sorrgy . desmodn syacmrow . i ahte him i want him died Now#sycamrow spunfs lika cat ....... thats his namr 2 me now ......... ok ......#wil arts
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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Actually I think it's a bit unfair that I can't be an astrophysicist and a historian and a game developer and a marine biologist and an archaeologist and an author and a seamstress at the same time
#I think I have a quarter-life crisis /hj#like I want to make space discoveries but I also want to analyse ww2 battles and I want to-#study the behaviour of whales and I want to create fictional worlds and I want to sew costumes and and and#there's so much knowledge out there to be learned and things to try out how are you supposed to do this all in one lifetime?#when you're expected to start working a fulltime job and stay in that line for the rest of your life??#though my problem isn't necessarily that I don't wanna be doing that job - it's more that I don't *only* wanna be doing that job#I just wish I could just try different job fields and see what they're like for like 2-3 years before trying out something else#but since they're all so different I'd have to start from the bottom again every time which probably also means worse payment etc#and I just don't have the time for that because I'd also like to build a stable life and maybe have a family later on#plus some of these jobs are just don't pay very well to begin with#I swear if I was rich and didn't have to worry about regular income I'd probably just be a forever student and study a whole bunch of stuff#just because I want to#unless I win the lottery I'll probably just start working fulltime though once I hopefully finish my master's#however I've already been thinking about signing up for studying history afterwards regardless - just for fun without pressure#I love the topic and then I wouldn't have the pressure of *needing* to find a job in the field afterwards#bc it's hard to find something unless you go for the teacher (or maybe professor) route plus pay seems kinda meh either way#but we'll see#I don't even know what this post is supposed to be. like not really a vent but. still complaining? idk#I don't know how to tag this#selnia talks
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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.
#*text#talk about unpleasant#sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl#particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW#It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared#about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an#for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy#i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain#but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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What if you could exist as nonbinary in the world
#like i know i can but#i cant be out at work thats just making my social life 10x harder for almost no benefit#i cant go to school anymore i hate it there#and i couldnt really even be out at school because i hate telling people my pronouns#i have a masc name and i like my name but it means people dont assume im nb#and i hate hate hate telling people otherwise#i know there are coworkers i could come out to but#i feel alone#and i need to wake up at some point#which is a whole other thing that i cant put into words but is a thing i need to do#thats what my whole album is about#and ive been working on that thing since march and its driving me crazy#i felt so relieved to think about kirbtober and not that and now its back#i feel like I've found all the pieces and put them together only to not slot in the last one#and then just walk away and let people take whats left#maybe I'm depressed idk#i dont think so#i feel like im dreaming#like i have occasional moments of lucidity separated by days of feleing jaded#making music every day might not help?#but i want to do this#its less so a workload thing#i can make a daily song in 15 minutes to an hour#and be fine with it#but i want it to be good#starflung's comments on the song i made for her keep me going#and ant texting me in the middle of the night (or their day idk) that my music is good#feeling terrible that i want more and more attention#but like#oh okay im out of tags vent post over i guess
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today was SO ASS
#work was exhausting and overwhelming and I FUCKED UP ONE OF MY NAILS. FUCK ME#also i had the awesome idea of lurking twitter and i see a bunch of people hating on joost saying he's a dick and nor a good person like ??#i know it's only a small part of the fandom and its on me too for opening twt but man......#tbf ive never really considered myself part of the fandom bc this is the only place where i actively post about him#and i only have a handful of joost moots but still ive thought about distancing myself from it ngl#cause like. being a joost fan is so exhausting sometimes like theres ALWAYS something going on#and like. idk i love joost and his music a lot and i admire him so much and i really dont wanna let other people ruin that for me#and i know i shouldn't but yeah. its hard ://#the good thing abt joostblr is everyone's just chill here but still in general theres so much negativity and hate#like its hard to not let it ruin the experience of being a fan...and im ngl sometimes i think yk i love joost but maybe im in too deep#bc it messes with my mental and emotional well-being#which is SO FUCKING STUPID I KNOW bc its not that deep like. im just here to enjoy the man and his music but somehow i got too invested lol#anyway im going off on a tangent rn and im probably not even making sense ive just been having a lot of thoughts and i needed to vent#also i edited this post 500 times bc the tags kept getting messed up and theres still a typo but i aint going back to fix that#raquel speaks
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Everyone always seems more willing to talk and exist when I'm not around. The sleep deprivation makes me want to believe this means I'm a smothering presence rather than considering maybe everyone just finally had more free time. If the bad thoughts are right though, I guess I have no qualms against disappearing since youtube exists for entertainment.
#vent post#personal post#ig- idk - im not really sad just bored#neverending cycle of always trying to find new groups bc i seem to grow apart from people#what if im not really a person? Scary to think. Do i have a personality? I thought i did. I miss people.#its so tempting to go back into a bad relationship because at least i knew they'd always be there every day#I'm such a lifeless loser#what value do i even have now that i cut them out of my life? I hope they're having a happier life#no one else wants me. No one cares to really have me around. I dont know how to connect with people other than be honest abt my praises#I dont know anyone. Not really. And i cant seem to find out how to do that. Too many questions is weird but no questions makes strangers#is this depression or just realizing maybe im just some mindless changeling. A copycat. I'll never know love#I will never be enough i think. Not in person or online. Theres nothing useful about me. Nothing to want.#not lookin for pity or anything just rambling bc i dont actually have anyone i can talk to lol-#not gonna add this to my main tag bc I'd rather not have it become part of my image#i enjoy being a temporary joy to people- i just wish i could be better so i could know people better#theres a wall between me and the people i love and i cant find the door. I dont know why
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i kinda should talk about bpd symptoms with a professional at some point so that i can adopt healthier thought patterns and not end up in a terrible headspace every time i am alone thinking for too long but also the thought of TALKING about SYMPTOMS with a PROFESSIONAL makes me want to blow up! i’ll get there though
#unfortunately it is going to take a long time to get there but. someday#it’s specifically bpd symptoms ig because i feel the most shame around them? and i understand them the least#i just really need to learn how to regulate my emotions i guess#and not let myself be so irrational#i can barely accept the fact that i probably have bpd even though ive displayed symptoms for so long sigh#learning about quiet bpd kinda made it all click into place though#like ohhh wdym it isn’t normal to be in intense internal emotional pain every single day and unable to snap out of it#but it has been impossible to ignore recently which sucks#i’ll go back to feeling actually okay eventually and then convince myself i don’t have bpd again (this has happened so many times)#oh lord i’ve written a whole essay. this should’ve gone in my journal but it’s ok… typing it all out in tumblr tags is therapeutic too#i could literally just keep going forever (or maybe there’s a limit idk)#meowww#ok nvm i need to sleep#bpd vent#diaryposting#this post will be revisited if i start therapy
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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh#im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in#just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d#im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally#fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot#to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just#fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it#like#this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote#cries lol#ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting#but#i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either#fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it#tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol#but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but#rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao#personal#vent#kinda i guess#delete later / /#maybe idk lol#ShitPost.exe#like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml#all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic
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Of course im brain-fried after the weekend but instead of processing what happened im just wondering why does everyone suddenly own a water bottle, since when are water bottles even a thing, why didnt i get the memo, help 💀
#wow this turned into a vent post okay sure#i think it was the post that said tag what colour is your water bottle and i was like ??? am i supposed to own a water bottle???#i drink water out of glass and when i go out i just reuse bottles from soft drinks??? whats this trend who started this#like idk maybe its a minor panic attack at the thought that i might have missed a major cultural event simply because i live in isolation#but to be fair it was always like this i was always ostracized and/or isolating on my own and missing so many minor everyday things#i just didnt think about it for a very long time and forgot how it feels 😮💨
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#personal#i love my mutuals btw if you were wondering#i appreciate the names i always see in my feeds the most.#somehow all of you tolerate my nonsense even when im going absolutely bonkers#and i know me. i know how i get in these tags. i love talking about myself lol#sooooo... hey thank you for sticking sround and believing me when i said. im a good person. maybe not when im bipolar but#i am just your average bipolar joe who loves the world. truly.#i appreciate yall.#idk why i felt like making this personal post. its just very nice to still even HAVE mutuals when#i swear im constantly venting about being bipolar or murderous or something. idk#yall are awesome and i personally always look at your tags.#anyways goodnight friends
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