#idk maybe this is just going to be vent post/tags
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Woo
#birthday plans#so far 25 feels like#almost getting into a crash on the highway while sobbing uncontrollably#and then wondering if you died if you coworkers would be the first to notice#i should put tag warnings sorry#tw depression#tw death#like thoughts at least#tw suicidal ideation#maybe?#idk anyways#i rarely see my roommate#i havent done shit with friends Outside in.... i really dont know#and they would just assume im depressed or out and probably not really question me not reading messages#idk maybe this is just going to be vent post/tags#cuz it's still fucked up how my roommate tried using with me as an excuse not to meet up with family he's on good terms#on my actual birthday mind you#but nothing was planned#normal days im fine being an excuse for stuff like that especially family#but not for days where i shouldnt? dont want to? sit alone while my roommate grinds a video game with no contact#im sure if any friend sees this whole thing it will be Discussed in group chat#but i cant really bring myself to care or worry#idk i only see my coworkers a day and a half a week and thats more than anyone else outside my cat
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This is, like, the third or fourth time (if not MORE) that I see a person apologize for talking about touken, showing enjoyment in the ship or needing to give some clarification. I know I'm not the only one who feels like the TG Tumblr space carries a negative atmosphere towards touken and it honestly kills my mood to post on here.
It also saddens me to see people show love for them so hesitantly. Like you're in the wrong for doing so. Like it's stupid. Like it's silly and unreasonable. Like it's almost shameful. Idk! That's how posting on here and see other people talk about them and acting ashamed about liking them makes me feel!
For how much TG tumblr advertises to be a welcoming space, I don't feel welcomed at all and more like just tolerated.
#maybe I should be blocking more freely. maybe thats the mistake im doing#the tg sexywoman tournament wasnt fun because instead of uplifting your fave#it kinda turned into dunking on touka#im not gonna stop posting on tumblr for those few who yk. actually like touken#but im alresdy interacting less here because of that atmosphere#and maybe its gonna be even less#idk man. im annoyed rn KWVFJWJDJ#im just glad i have the touken community on twt#i feel very appreciated there and not like im being delusional for liking the canon ship#im making this post to also see if others relate and im not overreacting#tg#ken kaneki#touka kirishima#touken#tokyo ghoul#yh going to the main tags#vent
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why does he look like that
🏳️🌈?
#hes like a bug or somethig idk#sorrgy abkut the last post it wasnt supposed to go here <3 but i dont feel like copying all the tags 👍#i need to make a doodle tag hwre or soemthing . ive said that already i just never did it#anf a complainging tag . or maybe a complaining blog because i dont want 2 bothe rpkeple . but not all of it belongs on the vent (??( blo#all of thay is unrelated to the doodle sorrgy . desmodn syacmrow . i ahte him i want him died Now#sycamrow spunfs lika cat ....... thats his namr 2 me now ......... ok ......#arts
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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i kinda should talk about bpd symptoms with a professional at some point so that i can adopt healthier thought patterns and not end up in a terrible headspace every time i am alone thinking for too long but also the thought of TALKING about SYMPTOMS with a PROFESSIONAL makes me want to blow up! i’ll get there though
#unfortunately it is going to take a long time to get there but. someday#it’s specifically bpd symptoms ig because i feel the most shame around them? and i understand them the least#i just really need to learn how to regulate my emotions i guess#and not let myself be so irrational#i can barely accept the fact that i probably have bpd even though ive displayed symptoms for so long sigh#learning about quiet bpd kinda made it all click into place though#like ohhh wdym it isn’t normal to be in intense internal emotional pain every single day and unable to snap out of it#but it has been impossible to ignore recently which sucks#i’ll go back to feeling actually okay eventually and then convince myself i don’t have bpd again (this has happened so many times)#oh lord i’ve written a whole essay. this should’ve gone in my journal but it’s ok… typing it all out in tumblr tags is therapeutic too#i could literally just keep going forever (or maybe there’s a limit idk)#meowww#ok nvm i need to sleep#bpd vent#diaryposting#this post will be revisited if i start therapy
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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh#im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in#just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d#im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally#fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot#to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just#fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it#like#this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote#cries lol#ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting#but#i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either#fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it#tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol#but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but#rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao#personal#vent#kinda i guess#delete later / /#maybe idk lol#ShitPost.exe#like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml#all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic
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Of course im brain-fried after the weekend but instead of processing what happened im just wondering why does everyone suddenly own a water bottle, since when are water bottles even a thing, why didnt i get the memo, help 💀
#wow this turned into a vent post okay sure#i think it was the post that said tag what colour is your water bottle and i was like ??? am i supposed to own a water bottle???#i drink water out of glass and when i go out i just reuse bottles from soft drinks??? whats this trend who started this#like idk maybe its a minor panic attack at the thought that i might have missed a major cultural event simply because i live in isolation#but to be fair it was always like this i was always ostracized and/or isolating on my own and missing so many minor everyday things#i just didnt think about it for a very long time and forgot how it feels 😮💨
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#personal#i love my mutuals btw if you were wondering#i appreciate the names i always see in my feeds the most.#somehow all of you tolerate my nonsense even when im going absolutely bonkers#and i know me. i know how i get in these tags. i love talking about myself lol#sooooo... hey thank you for sticking sround and believing me when i said. im a good person. maybe not when im bipolar but#i am just your average bipolar joe who loves the world. truly.#i appreciate yall.#idk why i felt like making this personal post. its just very nice to still even HAVE mutuals when#i swear im constantly venting about being bipolar or murderous or something. idk#yall are awesome and i personally always look at your tags.#anyways goodnight friends
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I read that same fic earlier and I just straight up muted the person so their works don't show up for me anymore lmao
there was also another one like that posted yesterday because the person was mad at something qBad did a couple of days ago while not at all in his right mind and amnesiac, it was odd (not shitting on the person just confused and slightly concerned)
yeah there’s. a lot of misconceptions around qbad rn lmao. It’s one of the reasons Im so obnoxious about him, tbh, so that it’s not JUST the negativity that gets spread. He’s a really good target for the hate rn, because he has a smaller fanbase and his pvp playstyle + lore lead him to all that antagonizing during purgatory, and that gets vented out into fics.
It’s genuinely really interesting, the dichotomy that seems to exist between tumblr and twitter regarding him. Ive heard nothing but slander about bbh from twitter (again, he is not faking his illness, that is a lie), but he’s got a solid enough foothold on tumblr that ive seen more hate towards the fans that the cc, here. which makes sense, given how we take over the tag almost ever day when he logs on. genuine o7 to people who find that obnoxious but thats one of the reasons i overtag so much, for blocking purposes.
anyway i think all the bbh mischaracterization means that we just need to write about him more >:D please this is a call for more bbh centric fics from people who do not hate him/know a little bit about his lore. blease he’s such a fun pov to write i promise
#discourse#<- discussion of it anyway#idk maybe people are spreading lies over here too but i block anyone who doesnt filter their neg/go out of their way to make bad faith#arguments.#i think ita REALLY interesting how seeing all the hate towards bad had me finding myself saltier towards other fans/creators too#so i can understand why these vent fics are being put out yknow sometimes its just really fun to hate a guy#but that’s what neg tags and bashing [character] tags on ao3 are for#on tw/itter where a lot of this gets spread you dont really. Have that#dont mind me ive just been ruminating on this a bunch the past two weeks#ive never been so active in a fandom where discourse had the opportunity to actually reach me#its been p interesting to observe how thats effected the way i say and clarify things#<- rhats the main point of my other post ig because if my gifter is someone who has been seeing nothing but bbh neg after bbh neg comes her#*here and sees me swooning about bbh’s ‘only egg protector’ and ‘no one helps him’ complexes Getting Worse during the end of purgatory#then they dont have the context that im doing so strictly for fun and not putting it on other characters/blaming them for not also swooning#we have media literacy in this house i promise#i would like more characters to have flaws and feel alone and commit incredible sins#anyway. excusez-moi im verbose when im tired and procrastinating#anonymous#shape answers
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also we finally got our medical records from all the shit last April and it turns out the doctor that insisted we weren't feverish actually lied about our temperature when he wrote stuff down.
our temperature was 38C. we saw on the thermometer they used that it was 38C. he's noted it down as 36C. he also said we had no systemic symptoms besides nausea and reduced appetite meanwhile everything written by other medical professionals on the same day lists a whole bunch of symptoms.
at least we have confirmation of that which is the main thing we wanted our records for besides getting to see the actual test results and there's stuff on some of the tests that sounds kind of concerning but I don't know enough to know if it's actually concerning and nobody ever mentioned it to us
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#I don't know whether to tag this as a vent post because like obviously having the doctor lie about shit fucking sucks#but I do feel validated in terms of actually now knowing that he definitely lied#but also I really don't know what to make of some of the stuff because there's and ECG#and there's a little note at the top that says ''interpretaion without knowing the patient's gender/age''#followed by a list of potential issues like a nonspecific lateral ST-T abnormality and left atrial abnormality#which I don't think anyone's mentioned to us before?#and I don't know if they haven't mentioned it because we don't actually have it and the machine is interpreting it wrong#or if it is an actual issue and they just haven't bothered telling us about it#I know some abnormal heart rhythms aren't really a concern when you're younger but can be concerning if you're older#so idk if it's something like that maybe but I also don't trust doctors to actually tell us about shit#given that we also got a weird blood test result back in 2022 and didn't find out about it until last April#when another doctor was like ''hey uhh do you know what's going on with this because it's really confusing''#and we still don't know what to make of that weird blood test result because we've never been given any explanation of it
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Umm perhaps taking a brief hiatus from the internet altogether. Unless I feel better in the morning (I probably will) lmao
#why is everything so embarrassing. I’ll explode into a million pieces#I don’t want to delete everything I’ve ever posted/written though#bc like. media preservation or whatever LMAO#but sometimes I want to wipe myself off the internet out of embarrassment 😭#and then I go back to doing embarrassing self-indulgent shit like 5 mins later. lol#wackyposting#delete later#maybe idk#I always tag that but then I never delete it lol#well I delete like 50% of my posts. but I delete them immediately before anyone has the chance to see them#if it’s been up for more than 5 mins then it’ll stay up lolol#anyway not a vent/not upset. I am just cringing at myself perpetually 🥲
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#vent#kiwi vents#kiwi vents in the tags#why am i so insecure#why#its just#ugh#idk#my art never gets much notes#but neither does anything I post#maybe its just me?#or me and my art?#or maybe I just post things at bad times when no one is onliine?#it shouldnt matter#i enjoyed making it#thats what should matter#*sigh*#im gonna go play skyrim.
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me @ me: do not think the thoughts of wanting to move blogs again
#⸻ ❛ 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐨𝐰 » ooc.#// the tags are just my brain soup you can ignore them#// idk i want to make my blog more private somehow someway. like with people that genuinely do want to interact with my blog yknow.#// NOT SAYING THAT EVERYONE HERE DOESN'T WANT TO. i get that people are shy and stuff because damn same me too yall me too#// but i have a LOT of followers and only have so many blogs that actually reach out for interactions#// and shit i know im slow and maybe that's the issue but#// where am i going with this.#// uhhhh iDK THE VIBES AREN'T VIBING PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS LIKE THIS#// please if you were scared to reach out for interactions. don't be. im literally the stupidest person you'll meet#// hHHHHHH I'LL JUST . DELETE THIS POST IN A BIT#// pls don't take this as me being all vague or venting either im just KSDFHGDJFSD talking#// does anyone get me here or am i just making no fucking sense again
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I feel like I as an author need to know my place in The Fandom Ecosystem and that's as the b-team. Fics u read while waiting for JanetBaby99 or Thethirdmanthethird or Selvish to post.
#oh and a crackfic writer that too#I'm not upset about this I like being indie. but sometimes It kind of hurts when other authors get a ton of attention and I don't#but also I'm just being jealous so. there's that. and generally the other authors in this fandom have higher quality longer works#like 6-7k instead of my measly 2k and also their works are closer to proper RPF and not my fantasy AUs#but like at the same time it hurts my feeling a little to never have my works on those “fic recommendations” lists or the announcement post#getting more then 7 reblogs. NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING SEVEN REBLOGS IS EXCELLENT AND I LOVE EVERYONE WHO DOES#but I guess I get jealous because I feel ignored?#Idk maybe I'd make more author friends if I posted on twt? Leyton said TWT is better for spreading fics around but it also scares the LIVIN#shit out of me. I don't want Dream/Sapnap/George seeing my stuff that's weird. But at the same time I want to be friends with the other coo#multiship authors sometimes. I mean I KNOW my fics are lower quality then theirs but. but I still liked making them and I like sharing them#whatever this post is getting really long and is mostly me whining si I'm going to tag it as a vent and move on lmao#vent
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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