#idk if it’s a neurodivergent thing or what. but i simply do not care

[gaysforbyler]

People would go crazy if I told them that I dislike celebrities simply because they give me the ick

[holmsister]

I think one of the things Dungeon Meshi is definitely about is how different people deal with being an outsider/marginalised/neurodivergent/what have you and basically what im getting at is that Kabru is TEXTBOOK "high functioning [insert diagnosis here]". Its that how they say it still? Don't care.

Basically. This man shows up and you listens to him talk and see how his party treats him and you think. Oh this is a cool guy who has his shit together. And then after like two pages you find out that he has constant flashbacks to Utaya that make him completely freeze, anxiety attacks, thought spirals, is incapable of analyzing his own feelings, is a stuttering mess when the stakes are high, has never done a chore in his life, keeps putting himself in triggering situations and re-traumatising himself, and the icing on the cake is when you read the extra material and it turns out he regularly forgets to eat and lives in a depression nest of dirty clothes and self-medicates insomnia with alcohol and also is 22. Which also kind of puts Misilril not wanting to let him go in another light - yeah for sure she's controlling and infantilising and also its not like she was really helping his issues but also she was not entirely wrong in her judgement. This man does NOT know how to take care of himself. He knows how to do the bare minimum so when he shows up at work the next day he can fool his coworkers into thinking hes got it together enough. For a bit.

He is DEEPLY unwell and he knows it but he is carried by the desperate wish to avoid another catastrophe. If he stops for a moment he KNOWS he'll collapse so he doesn't.

I also think this is why him acting nurse to Mithrun is such an important part of his arc. Its like. This person who has spent all of his adult life focused on a single objective disregarding everything else is faced with what happens when you do that for too long. And the result is a wet tissue of a creature who looks like he doesn't know where he is most of the time.

He is a man on the brink. I have no doubt he felt relieved when he decided he could trust Laios - not even in a Labru way, straight up because he knew he could not keep going like this.

But also like. Of all the characters in the manga, I think Senshi and Kabru are the most lonely ones. Except Senshi seems to be OK with solitude - for sure it's not entirely healthy to be alone for as long as he was but he definitely did well enough. He is very good at taking care of himself. Meanwhile Kabru *knows* a lot of people but can you really say he has friends? Rin, maybe, arguably, but even she does not seem to truly know him, you know? He keeps himself hidden from everyone. I think the only time we see him entirely honest is when he says to Laios that he wanted to be his friend, and hes so shocked when it comes out, you can tell he did not mean to say it. And differently from Senshi, he does NOT fare well alone. He likes people, he needs people. Again compare with Mithrun - he has like a squad of people taking care of him. If Kabru had a breakdown of that size can you say his party would go out of its way to help? Im not sure. Not because they're bad people, but because he's simply not that intimate with any of them.

Idk man it just struck me all of a sudden. Laios is weird and offputting and doesn't care about other humans the way Kabru does and YET he is infinitely more successful at building deep, meaningful relationships and taking care of himself as well. I think this is part of why Kabru is so fascinated with him as well. He can tell Laios has something he doesn't have. Wait this is turning into a whole another post I'll write this next time.

[heavens--high]

trans id and like. To what extent of a life does it extend to. Only gender/neurodivergencies or something more? At what point can you claim your interest is some core part of your identity and can simply believing something infathomable be valid? (As in, having a set belief of where you originate from - like some distant dimension, having a different coloured skeleton, being a human that’s yet to go through metamorphosis, or having mycelium networks within the mind - if someone just feels that’s truly them, even if can be ‘disproven’ with some bullshit science, would it be any less valid??)

idk.. y’all sillies which have transIDs seem cool and I just wanna know more

1) "What does it extend to?"

Anything and everything. If you can imagine it, you can make it a part of your identity and coin a transID for it.

2) "At what point can you claim your interest is a core part of your identity?"

At any point. It is up to the individual to decide when something is just a trait of theirs versus a core part of their identity/self. Trying to create a criteria for it would ignore how fluid and personal these things are.

3) "Can simply believing something "infathomable" be valid?" "If someone just feels thats truly them, even if it can be 'disproven' with some ... science, would it be any less valid?"

Again, there is no point to creating a criteria for validity. There would be no way to get everyone to agree to a set of rules, no matter how comforting that may be in one's imagination. My personal opinion is that as long as your beliefs or identity don't infringe upon others, or aren't used as an excuse to non-consensually harm or oppress others, do as you please. Yes, this applies to "illogical" or "unrealistic" identities.

That said, my personal opinion also has a lot to do with my own beliefs on reality. I care very little for science as a believer in the multiverse. What seems impossible here is an inherent reality to some other universe. That is why I coined Realmism, a stance based in the belief in the multiverse, shifting, and manifestation. Those beliefs are what I think make "illogical" and "unrealistic" identities perfectly valid. Again, that's just my personal spiritual beliefs.

In conclusion, do whatever you want forever. The possibilities are endless, and reality is fluid.

[nobodysdaydreams]

I don’t know what the word is for the kind of environment ASOUE (A Series of Unfortunate Events) and TMBS (The Mysterious Benedict Society) have, but it needs a name (quirky fantasy? Neurodivergent fiction? Idk…) but I’ve noticed enough people say they are similar, and I want to make this genre a thing. Here are some similarities I noticed that I believe describe the genre well:

• the adults are almost all neurodivergent and/or traumatized and no, they’re not handling it well. Especially the villains. • Most (if not all) of the children are either child genius or bully archetypes. Most will be neurodivergent as well. Bonus points if their neurodivergence and story arcs parallel the adults.

•People dress like they are either going to a funeral during the Great Depression, a church service on Easter Sunday, boarding school, a fancy cocktail party, or like the concept of neon/highlighter threw up on them

•everyone has a tragic backstory. Everyone. Even the quirky side kick who only has a few lines. At least one of those few lines will suggest something awful happened to them.

• Orphans

• Villain has to have that one person he/she cares about to show that maybe they do have a heart after all (aw). Examples might include an ex-girlfriend or adopted kid

•the heroes and villains have tons of cool tech and inventions that we can only dream of (e.g., mind control), but despite all these smart characters with a knack for inventing, no one can make a smart/cellular/mobile phone. It’s their one weakness. Everyone has to use landlines. Everyone. This weakness (which affects all characters in this genre, villains and heroes) is super useful, especially when a character needs to make a call, but the writers don’t want them too, one can simply have them frantically search for a phone to no avail, or have a villain cut the phone lines and there’s nothing anyone can do about it

• some characters require such bland underacting that the character’s voice and expression remain almost completely neutral throughout the whole show no matter what happens. Other characters will require the hammiest most overacted performance of a lifetime such that any minor inconvenience that befalls their character (e.g., having to wait 5 minutes) might as well be the end of the world (personal side note: the second one is a dream role for me)

•whimsical travel. Like in a trolley, blimp, hot air balloon, old timey steam train, submarine, or some contraption someone made out of spare parts

• the villain has some personal connection to the heroes, whether it’s a close connection (e.g., being their adopted uncle) or a distant one (e.g., being their mother’s ex’s sister’s former love interest)

•secret societies and organizations that are cool with employing children (or at least allowing it). It’s considered ok/necessary when the good guys do it, very bad when the bad guys do it. The kids in the bad guy organization can either be groomed victims out to grab their redemption arcs (SQ, our boy), or one dimensional bullies (looking at you Carmelita and Book Martina).

• a genius toddler/baby with a special power that can range from super strong teeth to being psychic

• Twins or triplets are not only characters in the show, but the fact that they are part of a set of multiples will be important for the plot somehow (e.g., the Benedict brothers, the quagmire triplets, the denouement triplets, whatever Jillson/Jackson are)

• There are dramatic flashbacks to character’s tragic pasts to show the audience where it all when wrong.

• Few, if any adults, are truly both mentally stable and living in reality. I know I covered this on my “neurodivergent that’s not well adjusted” bullet point, but it seems important enough to repeat

• The villains are theater kids. Whether they used to overact performances at the orphanage and now do magic tricks for their captives, or use their old theater group as henchmen(and women), they live for the dramatic arts

• the villains were at one point told (either by critics or unimpressed parents looking to adopt) that they weren’t that good at theater, which increased their motivation to either join an evil organization, or pursue a STEM or business degree to begin their own evil organization. This has increased their mental instability as they still try to incorporate the dramatic arts into their villainy and waste a lot of time that could be spent plotting things figuring out how to make their villainy more theatrical

• when the heroes try to tell people the villain is evil, no one believes them

• despite fighting literal children, the villains are not juvenile and present serious threats (murder/world domination)

• despite the previous 2 points, the villains are repeatedly defeated by orphan children with an assist from the villain’s own hubris/stupidity

• musical numbers are involved, even if they are flashback staged performances those count

•villain’s side kicks still roll with him/her despite the abuse to the point where the audience genuinely wants better for them and want more information about them and their tragic past (but their stories usually won’t really be focused on, heck they might even be written out completely. With a few exceptions of course)

• we’ve already discussed that the kids are “genius or bully” types but more broadly the characters are also “books or theater” good guys love books and libraries, bad guys love drama and the theater. We’ve covered the bad guy = theater connection, so focus on the books/reading = good guy connection. The good guys will constantly hang out around libraries, have libraries in their house, be librarians, be friends with librarians, etc. someone (either a bully or villain) is obligated to make fun of one of the good guys for reading at least once. This also implies that a theatrical character who loves reading would be perfect for an antihero or morally grey character.

• the time the story takes place is very vague, but has elements of fashion, cars, and style that suggest the 1950’s-2000’s or more generally sometime in the 20th/21st century

Feel free to add to this list

[wackpedion]

Hey um

Your genderfluid comic

Can I ask what the feeling of gender fluidity is like?'because I think I might he genderfluid but also idk

HI!!! yes u can ask its a pleasure

tbh like, for me personally fluidity doesnt come with a specific feeling. its simply that my gender just changes, even in tiny ways. one day ii may not care for gender at all, then the next i may feel extremely like a guy, but then i may feel like a guy and a girl, or i may feel like a guy but to a lesser degree etc.

thing is i dont exactly like, Notice the change when it happens, theres no sudden wave of feelings or a notification of sorts when the change occurs. it's not like a switch being flipped. its often that my gender is smth i have to think about and search 4 to see, "oh yeah this is how im feeling today !" . sometimes i have alot of trouble pinpointing my gender at all, on account of autism and alexithymia. However this isn't true 4 all genderfluid people ! Some have a strong sense of what gender they are at any time, some don't

Another thing about fluidity (for me personally, atleast) is that it can cause alot of Blurring as I like to call it. As I've mentioned sometimes I feel both a girl and a boy, or a boy and agender, orrr just feel vaguely like every and no gender all at once. I suppose it means for me fluidity comes with alot of multigender experiences, although I don't quite identify with that personally, to me its all just fluidity and it blurring together

Also I feel it's important to note, you can be fluid between specific types of genders ! Some are fluid between any and all genders, some are fluid between only masc and masc-aligned genders, or femme and femme-aligned genders, etc. , there are so many ways to be genderfluid !

Identifying your fluidity can be quite hard, as shown with my comic. It's even harder when you're neurodivergent, but It comes easier with time though, learning to navigate through the tiny changes day by day, or the massive changes. Anyway, thank you for coming to me anon and I wish you luck, please dont feel afraid to come to me with more questions ! I also know some good bit about other gender labels or genderfluid microlabels, I have quite the knowledge on these since I loved learning and researching all about it (and still do)

[qweei]

I've started to notice two types of shitty autism parenting and i wanna talk about it though it might be pretty generalizing

tw for overall shitty parents, emotional neglect.

type A: the denial parent

aka the "refuse to acknowledge that their perfect little child is in fact autistic". they will constantly go on and on about how "mild" and perfectly "normal" they are and "not like those autistics"

they completely see autism/disability as a bad thing and even the word itself is dirty to them, so they'll use every other term but those two like "special, superpower, aspie ("they have aspergers not autism!") etc etc. constantly whenever their child's autism is brought up around others, will feel the need to compensate for it, like bringing up their achievements and things they can do, whether that'd be how they have a job, got into a good school etc. as if autistic people can't do that. because they refuse to acknowledge any of the child's weaknesses or flaws, they will never actually do anything to help them, might even scold them for this.

no one needs to compensate for anything, nor feel any shame for just straight up being who they are, this goes for everyone but especially neurodivergent/disabled ppl. not to go psychoanalyze anyone but many autistic ppl i've meet with these kinds of parents/ or just in general share the same view points mentioned, just always end up having so much built of rage, self hatred and completely lack any self acceptance.

type b: hopeless/self-pity parent

usually the parent of a early diagnosed autistic child, whom almost immediately after being diagnosed just straight up gives up on them. "oh well, what can i do..." *proceeds to emotionally neglect and refuse to raise their child*

like type a, they see autism as a bad thing, something that will forever just be forced to deal with. despite acknowledging their child's diagnosis, it's not acceptance, not at all. often you'll hear them talk about how hard it is for them personally, basically searching for pity points despite never actually putting any effort into being their for their kid. even worse, if the parent has another children who are neurotypical, they will VERY clearly treat them a lot better than their neurodivergent one.

these kinds of parents never actually put any effort in growing close with their autistic kid, like they're needs, what they like doing etc, so when they do act out because of their needs never being met, instead of trying to understand or help them they just go "it's their autism"

parents like this often from the outside gain a lot of pity from other parents, because to them the child is just acting out for no other reason than them being autistic and that's just something their parent simply "can't" do anything about it! (news flash: they can!)

ofc you can't get rid of your child's autism, it's simply just a part of them, however that doesn't mean that child doesn't need to raised or giving support like idk every other child? big fucking surprise of but autism isn't the reason your child is violent or an asshole. you neglecting their emotional needs and rather spending all your time complaining does! i understand it can be hard to raise/take care of someone who's autistic, hell it's hard in general to raise any kid, but my sympathy falls flat when instead of trying help you just blame everything on their autism.

though just wanna say that, most parents i've met who fall under this catagory, i wouldn't consider emotionally neglect or abusive to that severe of an extent. i have however noticed a pattern of parents who despite their child being diagnosed, just never actually put any effort into learning about it or understanding their child? aka basically gives up. they usually only listen to what professionals / ppl who work with autistic ppl have to say about their child, which can be very harmful since those people (in my experience) 80% of the time have no clue what they are even talking about.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 4/25/22

where the fuck were we

listening

Tongue by Rêve. i do not care for this latex aurra sing album art, but this instantly went on the "somebody come fuck this (GAY)" playlist. a fun danceable party bop about oral. other than a concerning line regarding "gamey like venison", what more can you ask for. spotify

Yeah Yeah Yeah by Blood Orchid. starts out with some very straightforward drums and then gets SLUDGY. this makes me want to sing along with the chorus with as much vocal fry as i can manage. i think the band is american, but the pronunciation of "yeah" is something i have only heard from posh brits? i think it works here. spotify

Praising You (feat. Fatboy Slim) by Rita Ora. this is somewhere between a cover and a reimagining? fun if you already know and like the original, fun if you don't. short, peppy, got me through a lot of mopping on saturday. spotify

reading

very long title by susan pinsky. checked this out mostly for any advice on moving, which was limited to two paragraphs that said "get rid of everything possible, the most efficient packing is not always the thing that will get you through a move in one piece, hire people to do everything for you if possible". this was unhelpful to me.

the author is not adhd, but is writing it out of the experience of having an adhd daughter and a ton of clients who probably had adhd. it feels like it is largely geared toward people who have a wife or child with adhd. while the version i read had been updated, it did feel very out of date at several points, especially with regards to calendaring/planning systems and (if possible) forcing everyone to call you at your home phone so you can check your wall calendar that you keep on your wall and not double book yourself. like what.

while i had independently derived some of the specific tips through great trial and error and much of the book simply did not apply to me, it did give some interesting background on why specific things (open storage, clear bins, open shelving, the concept of having one or two shelves free as a staging area in each place you have shelves) work with rather than against us.

i can see this being useful to someone who has recently been diagnosed as an adult, or is managing a family with multiple adhd/otherwise neurodivergent members, but i certainly wouldn't buy it. her big thing is Get The Fuck Rid Of Your Shit while not really providing a lot of pointers on how to go about that, so i could see how pairing this with one of marie kondo's books might be helpful? neither pinsky nor kondo really give a whole lot of advice on like "so you're an adult, here are things adults have in their house to make their lives easier" so perhaps a third unknown book might complete the perfect trilogy. idk man. im cranky her advice about moving was half a page.

Witches, Princesses, and Women at Arms, a collection of erotic lesbian fairytales edited by Sacchi Green. this was objectively fine. i skipped one completely bc it would have been a fucking hysterical short skit but did NOT translate to the page at all. as is ever the case with anthologies, some of them were decent, some of them not so much, almost none will stick in my brain even though there was some very nice butch representation. the one that does stick in my brain, Woodwitch by M. Birds about a princess trying to break a familial curse re: war, and a witch who follows the army, was memorable more for its leadup and acknowledgement of how a marching army works? like yeah! historically that is how armies move and camp and feed themselves huh, this is surprisingly well-researched for lesbian erotica!

the level of explicit erotica is...sort of on the same level as most modern f/f fic? this came out a good five years ago and people sure are having sex on the page, but there's a lot of metaphor and various other veiled imagery.

unfortunately, i want to read about women gettin absolutely nasty with it. i want to read about a pussy written with the same fervor as the average m/m cock in fanfic.

it's misogyny is what it is.

watching

rewatched For A Few Dollars More (1965, dr. Leone). in my heart he fucked that old man

You Can't Win Em All (1970, dir. Collinson) bc a very western-ish screenshot had me absolutely baffled about why a mauser was in a western. this is not a western, this is about some american mercenaries during the 1922 turkish civil war. this is not a very good movie (my main beef is that it spends twenty minutes trying to convince itself why its leads should work together, and the contrivance it lands on isn't particularly compelling or comprehendible after carting through us a whole bunch of other failed inciting incidents). this movie doesn't even manage enjoyably bad, but it sure is a spectacle of a war movie. great calvary columns riding through the prettiest goddamn landscapes you've ever seen. all forms of transportation are covered, including "armored train" and "trio of biplanes". my personal tolerance for exotic travelogue movies is fairly high, yours may not be.

if you want an actual cowboy western with different triple-crossing american mercenaries played by burt lancaster and gary cooper, Vera Cruz (1954, dir. Aldrich) is like a proto-revisionist western? quite a bit darker than i expected for 1) an american western made in 2) 1954

playing

sort of tied in with the making section-- i am deeply unhappy with how much time i am spending with fallou/t 4 bc it is not a game that makes me happy. however, the startup cost to finding a new game that makes me happy is pretty steep. so i spent some time on saturday flinging games into various folders, bc i forgot that was a thing steam lets you do now. maybe a different organizational system will fix me.

do not need to look at again: lots of demos and prologues from my old job, a couple things that aren't on steam anymore, some stuff that came in bundles that i'm not interested in, any strategy games.

done: my time with this game is at an end but i may want to return to a handy list to remind myself of what i have finished. lots of short indie experiences, wolfen/stein the new order, night in the woods, the portals, firewatch, things of this nature

old faithfuls: fnv, fo4, dishonored, sable bc i love simply zooming about.

hard bounce: this is mostly to make myself stop trying to click with hollow knight. i am never going to like fiddly platformers. and that's okay.

try again later: i'm deeply annoyed i'm not clicking with hardspace shipbreaker bc on paper it's the perfect fucking game for me. in practice even after fucking around with all the sensitivities it's still too fiddly for me. i need much, much more forgiving games with a shotgun-close-enough mentality.

making

important moving prep: cleaned out the storage unit that still had the dregs of my last move plus boxes from three grandparents and my mom. this took three full fuckin days bc it was extremely hot, i had to stop to cry a bunch, and a lot of goodwill trips.

the great thing about siblings is that if you've been caretaking a family heirloom that makes you feel weird due to your fractious relationship with the dead person in question, you can foist it off to a sibling who had a completely different less fractious relationship with the dead person in question.

once again i have failed to take a pic of the baby blanket in real daylight but we are slowly chugging along, halfway through repeat 6/10

[discountalien-pancake]

Mmkay. So I didn’t hate it. I definitely didn’t love it. I don’t feel like my time or money were wasted on reading this book. I also feel that this book would have greatly benefited from several more rounds of editing. This was very much a book that could have been good. And not in the way that people say it about SJM’s books. There was a clear, sense-making plot progression, purposeful foreshadowing, follow-through on all the Chekov’s guns (well, most, but the last one i think is probably resolved in the sequel which I probably won’t read?).

The problem was I found myself hurtling through the book, and not in a good way. I wanted it to get to the damn point. So much of Kadou’s point of view is spent dithering within these gratuitously overwrought panic attacks. There’s just so much and so many of them that it actively interfered with the progression of the narrative, not simply of in-world events. Everything would just grind to a halt while Kadou spends two or three paragraphs self-flagellating, carry on for half a page, and then more self-flagellation. There were multiple chapters of entire days, sometimes multiple days or even a month, crunched down to just lengthy descriptions of Kadou being a helpless, shivering wreck, interspersed with one-sentence summaries of all the important official business he’s carrying out as a prince on probation.

And then we’d swap povs and get Evemer’s rundown of the exact same events again but from his perspective. And it makes sense to do this once or twice, so that we can get out of Kadou’s head and see things more objectively. But the fact of the matter is that this book could have been a solid 50k words shorter and lost nothing of the plot or even the character development.

I feel like I’ve only been saying negative things, so here’s what the book did well: it established a very diverse cast who are all treated respectfully by the narrative. It established that there were a great many cultures coming into contact with this region, though I would have liked to see more people from those regions rather than just mentions of the material culture. It established that nonbinary folks are a normal, common presence within society and didn’t make a Big Deal out of any of it. The politics were mostly reasonable except for what I feel was a deeply contrived set-up. There was a lot of thought and care in the handling of the power imbalance between Kadou and Evemer, though I still feel that it failed to convince me that they have an equal partnership. You mileage may vary on that point. Evemer, in my opinion, was a delightful and very endearing neurodivergent character (definitely on the spectrum, probably a bit OCD). The author definitely did a lot of research on textiles and garment construction even if I can’t quite agree with their taste.

Would I recommend this book? Maybe. Depends on the person. I think if you like the bodyguard/prince trope, you might be able to gloss over more of the issues than I did. Perhaps you will be more sympathetic of the Anxiety Goblin prince than I. I fully admit I have little patience for characters like that. If you want a queer romance between an anxious prince and his demi, autistic bodyguard, then you’d probably enjoy it. You might find Kadou’s narrative cathartic. IDK. On my part, I found Evemer sufficiently compelling to finish the book despite the other flaws.

[ozzyfromthecafeteria]

Hey! No problem if you dont want to answer this given The Everything but i saw your tags on the objectum/otherkin/therian post and I was wondering if youd mind sharing like sort of what that means for you and like uhhh what your experience being objectum & otherkin has been like? It's not something I know a ton about but I find it interesting and idk I guess I'm just curious! No pressure ofcourse :)

oh absolutely sure! saying now that for myself, being neurodivergent and queer does heavily tie into both objectum and otherkin, but it’s not like that for everyone nor does one need to be in order to be objectum and/or otherkin!

tackling the otherkin first-off, to get really specific i am robotkin! (though i have been eyeing up conceptkin as of lately… but that’s a conversation for another time, i believe.) i personally relate to machinery a lot, on the bases of well. general disconnect from feeling Human (gestures towards the good ol’ autism and adhd combo lunch meal pack) also difficult to explain but most if not all machines are designed and built to carry out some form of Purpose or Function, which really strikes a certain link within me that i can’t quite put into words? but i hope makes sense in some way. to be honest robots are cool and i do would like to be one!

objectum. smiles so widely full of happy. i love discussing being objectum at any chance i get it’s so wonderful! want to clarify now that i’m also posic, which isn’t necessarily the same thing as being objectum, but those two have melded together so much for me that it’s hard for me to differentiate and distinguish the two in my experiences. now, i tend to love most objects and have some degree of attraction to them, but i find that the kind of objects i get really infatuated with are space machinery! primarily the hubble space telescope in particular. honorable mentions of various objects i love so so much are the seattle space needle, nintendo 3ds, record players, radio dishes… honestly the list goes on and on. objects are not safe from my love and care and warmth for them. important addition is that in my experience i tend to heavily fall and care for objects i own, like sweaters, tshirts, office supplies, etcetera, and i don’t entirely have a good guess on why? i assume it’s because i personally own it and by extension spend more time either using it or in its presence that i end up picking out details of the object that make me swoon for it.

i only found out what being objectum was last year from a server i’m in, but looking back at as much as i can hazily remember from the past that i’ve just… always been posic and objectum, simply never had a word for it until fairly recently. favorite stuffed animals as a kid that i had strong friendships with, comfort and familiarity and bonds with anything i came in touch with, really!

being objectum and otherkin are pretty integral pieces of my identity i think, especially since i’d say they influence just how i approach the world if that makes sense? particularly with being objectum because damn do i Love Those Things! i’m getting a little bit tired now so this is what of most i could get out into sentences, but i hope it helps with understanding! ^_^

[taintedlxve]

Wild that this was posted when I wasn't around to defend myself. Apologies to the person who sent me this I feel like they were trying to reassure me but all it did was make me mad lol.

Anyways, I'm mentally ill and reading this shit kind of fucked up my day and since I just can't let shit go without correcting the record I'm just gonna go over some things rq and go back to my hiatus. You don't gotta read, but I was called a liar repeatedly and I'm not gonna let that sit.

A lot of Awoo's post screams out to me as "i'm taking accountability but not really" and I just want to point out places where I feel she's being disengenuous and go back to my hiatus bc I had a good vibe going until now lmao.

I'm skipping the really long explanation about why she never followed me, frankly as I've said before my problems with her extend past that entirely and at this point I don't think it matters that much.

I'll just say this, we had a private conversation in which I made it expressly clear it was okay to come to me about something if she felt she had a problem the LAST time she blocked me for no reason (to be clear to this day I don't know what the hell I was supposed to be sorry for?) after I decided to just unfollow her from her breedingacademy sideblog bc she was replying to other folks' stuff and seemed to just ignore mine. She apologized for this and said she'd do better and I believed her. This, primarily, why I didn't reach out at first.

Further in the post she mentions the vent I wrote that was, in fact, 1000% about her. Ngl I forgot I even wrote it and was surprised by how recently it was. I dunno if I'm really sorry about what I said, it's how I felt at the time and just given the context of how I've allowed you to treat me I simply don't trust you like that anymore.

To be clear I had a LOT of dropped threads at the time or wasn't getting responses at all and that was actively fucking with me and making me wanna quit entirely, but Awoo's behavior stuck with me bc she was one of the few whose responses flooded my dash and I just wouldn't be included. Not saying she's lying but frankly frankly even if it was true Idk what to tell you cause that wasn't the reason she gave at the time.

You very much did say "it's nobody's fault" and "my brain works differently" since you're accusing me of malicously taking you out of context and/or misremembering, but unfortunately I can't access the reply in the image attached bc it's been removed. I'll link it here, maybe something's fucky with my tumblr, I thought it might have been from the blog she ended up deleting but nah it takes me back to her current so -shrug-.

To go into further explanation about what she said (bc obviously I wasn't going to commit a post to photgraphic memory in a vent post) it was something to the effect of "sorry, that's just not how my brain works. once you tell me you're tired of something my brain just labels it as 'avoid at all costs'. It's nobody's fault but…" etc. etc.

She mentions she's autistic, which, I know?? She's mentioned it several times over the last 10 years. Most of my friends are neurodivergent with needs unmet. I'm autistic and soon to be tested for ADHD with needs unmet. I understand that life and socialization is extremely difficult for neurodivergent people.

My partner literally has avpd but she understands that ignoring people bc they make her anxious hurts those people and she takes steps to do what she's able to to circumvent those obstacles bc she cares about those people. I'm really over this self-infantilization people leap to to avoid being criticized the negatives things done because of their neurodivergence. Reminds me of when Sara would beef with everyone on dash and say 'Oh it's my depression'.

And it's not like you were unable to communicate. When I said I was playing fem!Izuku is like the ONLY time I've ever had you reach out to me in my DMs unprompted

Sure, maybe I missed the point of your callout post, whatever, but the point of my message was literally all I've ever asked of you was like, to talk to me and you blocked me without communicating again. The diff is I'm just over being gaslit into being nice and feeling like it's my fault.

You trying to push the responsibility back onto me with a "Oh well she never asked if she had a problem with me" in spite of the fact that I went SO far out of my way to accommodate you to the point of giving you different Cyr icons bc you were squicked out by hair covering eyes just puts the nastiest fucking taste in my mouth and it makes me mad tbh.

I cannot stress how much I'm always the one people expect to make the first move and how sick of it I am, that's why I didn't come to you. I'm not a 'coward', I just was done bowing and scraping for people who didn't like me.

If you cared, you had my discord, and it wasn't like I blocked you first. You had ways of contacting me, and you didn't. So the rigamarole of you 'being worried for me' just doesn't pass my smell test, sorry.

Maybe it does make me hypocrite to smell bs when I see it but it definitely doesn't make me gullible.

The rest is just her demanding an apology from me (nah, you first bitch) but, and I wanna be explicitly clear, the feeling is very mutual, I want nothing to do with this chick.

I wanna be very clear that the end result of this was never to rebuild a friendship with Awoo bc again, once she blocked me I realized this wasn't even the bulk of my problem with her, it was the last straw.

I'm don't wanna be friends with someone who publically calls me me disengenuous and makes me feel so bad I end up apologizing.

Or, again, someone who blocks me when I just say "oh, this person doesn't seem to want to interact on this sideblog so I'll just unfollow"

Maybe you're not like that anymore, or your neurodivergence makes you that way, but I just don't want people like that in my life anymore, and I'm done letting people make me feel small for standing up for myself.

I'll cop to calling you a bad person and saying you hate me bc a lot of that was me being in my feelings and I'm not a mind reader, nor do I know you well enough outside of the internet to make these claims.

But as much as you've tried to victimize yourself I 1000% stand by what I said before, I hope you don't treat you muts as shitty as you treated me.

Thank you for confirming tho that you're not sorry I think helps to know

[alpha-male-podcast]

Marinette, neurodivergent? P2

gets angry and doesn’t understand other peoples reasons for being mean or doing what they did (i don’t really consider why they’re being mean i just get upset they are being mean even though they probably are just releasing their frustration onto me and are going through something)

-i’m not entirely sure if she masks (pun not intended) but she does act differently and more composed when she’s ladybug even though you know she’s freaking out inside and not acting as silly as normal (could also be because she is being serious and trying to focus which is what i do, i become more composed and calm when i am coming up with plans. also i’m not saying an autistic person can be labeled as “silly” when they aren’t masking but in this situation since i am comparing myself to her i see me and her act goofier and outgoing when we aren’t masking and more polite or composed when masking)

-organized lists and plans that have visual set ups (her plan in gigantitan with visual little characters as doing actions or in risk her using visuals to make a plan to save adrien and a list of adriens schedule so she can visually see where he is going to be)

-forgetfulness / losing train of thought / head in the clouds / daydreaming about real life things (such adrien and her married, i daydream a lot about having a partner)

-not being able to switch her task when she is focusing on her main task which leads to her neglecting others because she is so focused on completing it and only noticing their feelings when she is done (idk how well i said that but an example being watching a show and someone asking you to do smth like clean the dishes and the whole time you are doing the dishes your mind is set on finishing the episode and you become annoyed when someone asks you to do something or even says anything to you at all and maybe you don’t register what they say/ only have paying attanetion because you NEED to finish the TASK) which can make you seem like you don’t care what they have to say or how they feel even though you do it’s just your brain is set on the task you are preforming and maybe you only notice they’re feelings when your done with the task

-says things others find very rude (they thought it wasn’t nice to call out lila because to them it would just be weird to call out someone when no actual harm is being done when the way me and marinette would see it is they aren’t following the rules of being truthful so we want them to be brought to justice)

-another way to explain the last one is we saw adrien not saying anything about lila lying to the others but marinette is for some reason determined to show she is lying even though her lies are just to make her seem cool (at the beginning they become harmful later on) marinette sees it as wrong because she is not being truthful (i see general rules of kindness like truth, loyalty, or politeness as literal rules that shouldn’t be broken so i end up being like a rule police and if i saw lila breaking the truth rule i would want her to stop because rules can’t be broken in my mind)

LAST PART OF MY POST!

PLS no disagreeing on my post this is simply my headcanon!

[ruusattukoira]

Hi, random pinned.

I go by lots of names, but currently living most with anything around Krisse, Sampo, and Dyston on this blog. I'm a 06 bb who's physically disabled & neurodivergent; I use the term Omnipronoun(link), but I do prefer vei/che/vam/it/he/any.

I draw, I talk, I write, I'm punk, I'm pagan as well. This blog is just here, I enjoy reblogging and ranting. Variety of things on here when it comes to reblogs; from disabled, LGBTQ+, sometimes leftist, and punk content.

———

BYF; I'm mspec mono & contradicting terminology user (good faith + contradicting identity) part of LGBTQ+ (and liom + mogai communities), I'm neutral on any syscourse due to being a singlet, I use neopronouns & I'm a xenogender & neogender hoarder, I'm nonhuman as well. I'm pro-choice, pro-recovery & pro-para(explicit anti-contact)

I can't control who does and does not interact with me, idc if you like or repost(without comment) my blogs but please refrain from interacting directly with me if you are a proshipper/any other to that kind, Radqueer, transmed, SWERF/TERF, pro-contact harmful paras, anti-decolonization or find yourself in the basic DNI in short.

———

Small tag directory I'm trying to get together

. lgbtq+ Directory = anything within the LGBTQ+ community

. Pain directory = anything to do with being physically disabled in some way.

. Brain directory = anything to do with being neurodivergent in some way.

. Politic Directory = anything to do with politics, usually paired up with the punk tag. May include Finnish political shit as well.

. Punk directory = anything to do with punk or being punk. Usually paired up with the politic tag. Includes diy and such cool things.

. Other directory = anything other ?? / Topics I don't have a tag for it think they belong to any other tags (may vary on politic tag, I don't always realize something is political before long after!)

. Art directory = anything to do with art (including making IDs)

. Stellar project = anything to do with my art/writing project.

. rose thorn directory = anything related to my trauma; experiences, revelations etc.

. ether death directory = pagan & polytheism related things. Also my experiences and such.

– afirms for a rainy day = a tag where reminders and affirmations go. Excuse the grammatical error, I'm too lazy to fix it anymore.

I try to tag things properly, but sometimes I fast-reblog(on Mobile) and forget to tag things bc minor memory problems. also don't question my tags, i like how they sound and i decide to use it, that's all you'll get out of me for it lol.

———

Other blogs are simply what they are and they are something I'm going to be open about bc i see no shame within them, I don't care what you see as cringe or shit like that.

Main blog(male/masc, x-reader); @reveseke

Whump blog; @pierceofheart

Mogai/liom blog(coining); @primuscapere

(Revived?) nonhuman blog; @kalvanreaped

We're all just living on a rock that and we'll all die at some point so idk bout you but I'm going to make show out of it. /Silly

[imm0rtal-pain]

- Do you have a large headcount?

Kinda, is 30+ alters a large head count?-

- Do any headmates in your system have typing quirks?

Yes! Greebern (who doesn't front that much) and Trident do :)))

- Does your system have any Non-human alters?

Yep, there's a slime and there's a shapeshifter and there's a fucking dragon somewhere here-

- Is your system neurodivergent?

Yea, Trident has autism(?) and ADHD while I have ADHD myself.

- Does your system use neopronouns or xenogenders?

Mhm, Atlas uses he/they/xe pronouns :)))

-Do any of the headmates in your system have dyed hair and/or is your hair dyed bodily?

Yes and no. Yes because Atlas and some other alters have dyed hair, but our we did not have our hair dyed bodily.

-Are there any nonspeaking/nontyping heasmates in your system?

Mhm, most of our littles are nonverbal and would often use their emotions to express what they want to say. Same goes for Greebern and Phage!

-Does your system have angry and/or "dangerous" persecutors?

Yes, Arkas is one of those alters but he gets pushed out of front most of the time whenever we see a person who's bad/or mean since he'll become aggressive. Which is sad because he's mostly ridiculed for being too agressive as a protector and persecutor.

-Do your littles use baby talk?

Yes! Our twin littles us baby talk a lot :))

-Do you have a large or complex headspace?

Yea, we have the whole ass U.A. high from BNHA-

-Do any headmates in your system have exo-memories?

Okay so I had to do a quick Google search about it since I forgot what it means- BUT yes I think so? idk- if there are any systems out there that know what it means please inform me in a the basic kindergarten way bc I basically can't understand big words- TvT

-Does your system have any tics?

Do anxiety tics count? If so, then yea! Greebern and Collie both have anxiety tics :)

-is your system bad at masking?

A bit since it depends on when someone's gonna switch and who that alter is-

-Do any headmates in your system have an accent that the body does not?

Yes! Arkas has a Scotish accent while Cecil has a slight German accent.

-Do any headmates in your system speak in a different language?

Yea, kinda I guess? Cuz I heard Cecil shout sumn in German-

-Does your system use things like pluralkit and simply plural?

Yes! We do use both platforms. But we haven't updated our simply plural in a year- so we might need to update it before we can share it here. But our discord is @lost_souls.system! We are mostly active there in my messages so if you have discord and wanna be friends, please notify us before sending a request :)

-are you out about being a system? IRL or online or not at all?

We are out online only, since we don't really trust anyone IRL with the fact that we are a system.

- Do you post headmate intros as their own posts on social media?

Yes! We are currently working on the core's intro (me, Emrys)! It'll be out soon once we finish a portrait of Emrys-

- Do you make those "headmates that would get us fakeclaimed" posts?

Nope! As far as I know, we don't really care if we get fakclaimed since we literally just exist. Hell, Arkas just spawned outta nowhere like a freaking mob in Minecraft- so yea we don't really care.

- Is your system bodily a minor?

Yep! Below 16 :) but higher than 13 ofc- We're not a small kid based on how we look like we're 20-

- Do your headmates date in system?

Yep! Arkas has an insys relationship with Collin (Apparently Collie's brother?) And Trident has an insys relationship with Collie (both Collin and Collie are Cecil's siblings as from what I know-)

- Do headmates have different art styles?

Yes! Me and Trident have very different artstyles! For which I draw with semi rendering while Trident draws with literally base colors only. (It kinda irks me bc it looks so dull TvT)

The Cooler System Ask Game Based On Things People Fake Claim Systems On

- Do you have a large headcount?

-Do any headmates in your system have typing quirks?

-Does your system have any Non-human headmates?

-Is your system neurodivergent?

-Does your system use neopronouns or xenogenders?

-Do any of the headmates in your system have dyed hair and/or is your hair dyed bodily?

-Are there any nonspeaking/nontyping heasmates in your system?

-Does your system have angry and/or "dangerous" persecutors?

-Do your littles use baby talk?

-Do you have a large or complex headspace?

-Do any headmates in your system have exo-memories?

-Does your system have any tics?

-is your system bad at masking?

-Do any headmates in your system have an accent that the body does not?

-Do any headmates in your system speak in a different language?

-Does your system use things like pluralkit and simply plural?

-are you out about being a system? IRL or online or not at all?

- Do you post headmate intros as their own posts on social media?

- Do you make those "headmates that would get us fakeclaimed" posts?

- Is your system bodily a minor?

- Do your headmates date in system?

- Do headmates have different art styles?

No emojis/numbers just send the full question!

this post is based on this https://www.tumblr.com/million-with-a-b/734832850476695552/space-themed-system-ask-game-based-on-common?source=share ask game but with changed wording and some added questions + no dni on it for those uncomfortable with syscourse.

[chisatowo]

I feel so conflicted everytime I see autistic Kanade hcs cause I wanna be like so true bestie but y'all gotta stop just listing her depression symptoms when chosing reasons </3

[jinxedgods]

everyone goes “vi shouldn’t have done this” and “vi shouldn’t have done that”. my question is — what should she have done? Your sister blows up your entire family? Ask your Twitter moots to send you calming videos. Your sister is adopted by the crime lord that is responsible for the death of your entire family? Just. Join him. And do crimes too, I guess?? Understand that your traumatized sister and this manipulative crime lord totally have a healthy, balanced relationship and you should just be cool with the fact that she kills people for him and helps him sell drugs. He’s that best family she has! Why would Vi try to separate Jinx from him? Why would she assume her sister does crime lord things because of her crime lord dad? After all, after holding her entire family hostage, he kindly took in Jinx in and raised her. She turned out fine!When your sister laughs manically while killing people? Encourage her! She’s a girl boss! When your sister is on a bridge and she aims a machine gun at you and your friend and starts blasting but your other friend goes to fight her and buys you time for you to escape???? Spend 2 minutes squabbling to argue about it and hand off your injured friend to Ekko so you can confront your sister that just shot at you with NO WEAPONS. Your sister fights your childhood friend and you don’t know who came out alive?? Silco and his goons (who will murder you if you have the chance) pick up your sister, separating you again??? Just, fix it. Somehow. Watch a 5minute crafts video and DIY yourself some hex tech gauntlets and then parkour over to your sister. If she doesn’t want to trying shooting at you again you can carry her and get her medical attention… somewhere… idk. And when your sibling (who hates your girlfriend) and (just shot at you and your girlfriend) says she “made her a snack”, menacingly puts a platter on the table in order to deliberately provoke you. Don’t freak out. Call her bluff! She would never cause physical harm to someone you care about! She did kidnap your girlfriend, though. That’s unfortunate. And when your sibling asks you to kill your new girlfriend and promises they’ll be your sibling again in exchange? Drop her. Just blast your friend in the head. That’s what siblings are for! And when your sister kidnaps you and makes you sit a twisted dinner table so she can determine whether to off her estranged sister or her adopted father? Invent cognitive behavioral therapy. Undo all of your sister’s trauma over dinner. She is literally neurodivergent and a minor.

Also, if I were Vi and Marcus chloroformed me I would simply…stay awake.

[hareharrison]

hold me

pairing: george harrison x reader

summary: george is in the process of finishing abbey road, and has been repeatedly coming home frustrated. instead of talking to you about it, he distances himself completely, and only speaks to you in annoyance or anger, and lashes out on you. he doesn’t know how much it affects you and one day comes home to the effects firsthand.

warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, angy geo, neurodivergent reader, invasive thoughts, mental breakdown/panic attack, but it works out in the end

a/n: hayyyy ok so i wrote this as a comfort fic for myself, and i decided to post it cause why not. i struggle with intense fear of abandonment cause of bpd haha fun 😐and wanted to make it from the POV of a neurodivergent reader?? so this is like a comfort fic for ND readers?? idk if i need to put any other potential trigger warnings for this but if i do please lmk and i will fix it

year: 1969

the flat was quiet without him. to be honest, it was quiet with or without him, lately. as much as you didn’t want to admit it, george had been distant. he was always a quiet person, but he has never dismissed you this much. you knew that his job could be tiring and you tried not to overthink it, but you couldn’t help but feel bad. a voice in your head was planting horrible ideas, saying things like, “you fucked up, he doesn’t like you anymore, you’re annoying.” but still, you pushed on and tried your best to ignore the noise in your brain.

you sigh heavily and slide back into the couch. you had the next two days off of work, and nothing to do. george of course had to work on your days off, which left you alone at home. with your thoughts. it was hard getting through today, your intrusive thoughts were particularly loud... but he would be home any minute now, which brought on a bit of hope; seeing him should rid you of your own jailhoused mind.

the tv played some sitcom in front of you, which you had no interest in. all you could think about was if you ruined things. what if he was thinking of leaving you? it would be your fault... and yet you couldn’t think of a single thing you’ve ever done that might have hurt him.

the door opened gently and let in a cool draft that brushed against your warm skin. you look toward the entrance, seeing your george sigh heavily with exhaustion as he took his shoes and coat off. he looked up to you, his boldly furrowed brows softening.

“hi, love,” he says, walking toward you. you stand and approach him to greet him with a quick kiss. he holds you for a little longer than usual, and you take the opportunity to melt into his arms and breathe in his smell, something you’d been deprived of recently. he rests his chin on top of your head, which laid comfortably on his rising chest. it was moments like this that made all your worries slip away, moments like this that you wished you could cling onto forever and ever.

“how was your day?” you ask, finally leaning back to look up at him. he lets go of you and runs a hand through his long hair.

“not good,” he says, a frown on his perfectly sculpted face. you return his expression at the sight of him being sad. quickly, you remember your dinner ideas. maybe that would cheer him up.

“hey, maybe we can go get something to eat? maybe get your mind off of things?” you suggest, looking up at his brown eyes. he looks down at you, eyes full of regret.

“i’m sorry love, but i’d rather just head to bed already,” he says remorsefully. you smile softly and reassure him that it’s okay and he should get some rest. but part of you breaks inside, knowing he doesn’t want to spend time with you.

he headed upstairs and you followed, the painful ideas returning at full speed.

“you’re so annoying, of course he doesn’t want to spend any time with you. you’re so annoying and clingy,” your brain says and you flinch at the harsh thoughts. through your entire bedtime routine, thoughts flooded your mind and filled your entire being up, and you felt like you were being drowned from the inside out. george stood next to you as you both brushed your teeth, not speaking a single word to you or giving you a single glance. you changed into one of george’s t-shirts and watched as he slid out of his clothes and into his pajamas in seconds. he muttered a monotone, “good night,” before turning on his side, his back facting you.

as much as you didn’t want to, you believed the mean voices and hung your head as you got into bed next to george.

you slept back to back that night.

————————————————————

the sun seeped into your room through your windows, and invaded your bed, waking you rather unpleasantly. you groan lightly as you reached over your bed for george, but only found empty space. his side of the bed was cold, indicating that he’d been up for a while now.

you sit up slowly, rubbing your eyes as the aromas of freshly brewed coffee and morning dew hit your senses. you hear the song of the early birds chirping as your feet hit the cool floor. as you head downstairs, you can hear george on the phone, and you soon see him muttering softly before taking a long drag from his cigarette. you don’t bother him, seeing that there was paperwork on the table and his call must be business related. naturally, you decide to head for the coffee, the smell luring you in like a fish.

you poured the hot, dark liquid into your favorite mug and add in your preferred amounts of cream and sugar. looking out the window, you see water drip gently from the leaves of a tree that george and you had planted a year ago. you sip your coffee and reminisce about the times you used to actually spend time with george. how nice it was, seeing him smile so often.

you suddenly hear george raise his voice at the phone, something unlike him entirely. you jump at the unpleasant sound before peeking through the hallway to see what on earth was happening.

“no, i don’t care! i want the bloody bastard fired, in fact, tell him not to bother showing up today,” he shouts into the phone before slamming it down, placing his head between his knees and groaning in frustration. seeing george this upset and acting out on it was truly a rare sighting, and you thought carefully about what to next.

after careful consideration, you tiptoe into the room and gently rest a hand on his shoulder, the sudden contact making him flinch.

“christ, (y/n) are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?” he grumbles before lighting another cigarette.

“sorry,” you say softly, “would you like some tea?” you figure it could calm his anger and soothe some of his abnormal irritability.

“what? tea? there’s already coffee made,” he says rudely. you take a step back, saying nothing. you know that you didn’t do anything and that this behavior would pass. george was never like this. your eyes find the time and see that george should have left ten minutes ago.

“george, you’re gonna be late to work,” you say, thinking you could at least do something helpful. his head snaps back at you and his once soft face turned hard with anger.

“what are you implying? you want me gone?” he stands up and angrily grabs all of the papers scattered on the table, shoving them into a folder and the folder into his bag, “fine, i’ll leave. im out the door.”

you look at him in confusion, you’d barely woken up and were just trying to help, “what’s the matter with you?”

“what’s the matter with me,” he repeats, looking away and scoffing. he runs his hand through his hair in frustration, “im sick of this, (y/n)! im sick of life. i come home exhausted and you have half a mind to ask me if i want to talk about it!”

“you always want to go straight to bed,” you defend yourself, hurt that he would even suggest that you don’t care about him. his dark eyes glare into your own for a moment that feels like hours, trying to think of somethig clever to say in response, but he just wasn’t ever much of a fighter. he finally chooses to put his cigarette out on the table’s ashtray and grab his coat. if you wanted him out of the house, he was more than happy to comply.

“george-“ you start.

“no,” he cuts you off, “don’t say anything right now, i can’t even look at you.” and he doesn’t, he ignores your presence entirely as he picks up his bag and walks out the door.

you’re left in the cold house, alone, hurt, and dumbfounded. you couldn’t believe what had just happened. you couldn’t believe that george, your george, had taken his anger out on you, simply for trying to help his morning be less shitty. worse than that, he thought you wanted him gone, when all you wanted was to be with him. is this how it was going to be now? a bitter, loveless relationship? your eyes sting with fresh tears at the thought, and a huge lump in your throat grows painfully. you take a deep breath before heading upstairs. you wanted anything but to cry this early in the morning, and the only reason you got up somewhat early was to see george before he left to work. now that your morning was ruined, you figured heading back to bed was the next best thing.

you climb back into your shared bed, suppressing your emotions with the warmth of your fluffy blankets and soft pillows. the comfort of a bed felt almost like a hug, and you sighed, letting the pain drift away as you fell asleep.

————————————————————

when you opened your eyes, the realization hit you. you’d slept until the sun began to set, completely ignoring your emotions, stuffing them down inside of you like an overflowing trash can. being awake made them fling right back at you; sleeping didn’t change a thing, and was only a temporary pause in your pain.

all of your feelings came back to you at once, and it once again felt like you were drowning internally. only this time, the thoughts weren’t the invasive factor. your emotions were overwhelmingly intense on top of your brain practically screaming horrible things to you. your breathing quickens as you feel tears slide down your face. this time you werent able to swallow the thick lump in your throat, and you began to weep softly.

this was it, george was leaving you. he hates you, he wants nothing to do with you. there was nothing you could do but hug your knees and cry. you choked on a sob and started rocking back and forth in attempts to try to soothe yourself. but you couldn’t stop, it felt like your entire world was falling apart. you soon began to have shortness of breath and struggled with your breathing, feeling your heart beat at an intense rate that you couldn’t control.

your bedroom door opens, revealing george’s early arrival. he immediately rushes to your side, afraid to touch you but wanting so bad to comfort you.

“(y/n)? (y/n), breathe. breathe, baby,” he takes your hand and you look at him. you aren’t sure if him being here is making the situation better or worse. seeing him try to help you stirred all kinds of feelings in your mind. you felt like you weren’t good enough for him, like you didn’t deserve his help.

george begins breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth, gently guiding you and hoping you will try to do the same. he sits in front of you on the bed and holds your face in his gentle hands. you look up into his eyes, the chocolate features of his face soothing you as your breath began to steady.

“that’s it,” he encourages.

“do you hate me?” you cry softly.

“what? no, (y/n), i’d give my life for yours, do you know that? you’re so, very special to me,” he slides over to sit beside you on the bed and wraps his long arms around you.

“why are you so distant?” you look up at him, and tears continue to roll down your flushed cheeks, “you acted so mean to me this morning, i feel like you want nothing to do with me.”

george is hurt by your words. he truly didn’t mean to be distant, and he never wanted to hurt you.

“i’m sorry,” he says, “ive been so overwhelmed i haven’t stopped to think of how you must feel. im really sorry my love i never meant to hurt you like this.” he embraces you tightly and you give into his comforting touch, wrapping your arms around his torso and digging your face into his chest. 

you take a deep breath, “i understand,” you say before looking up to him to whisper, “i miss you. i miss us.”

“i miss you too darling,” he pauses for a moment, “how about i take tomorrow off? we can do whatever you’d like.”

you sniffle, “what about the album? the deadline?” 

“i can fake sick. nothing is more important to me than you,” he says, “i want nothing more than to be with you. i love you so much.”

you smile when he presses a soft kiss to your aching head, “now how about we go have something to eat? i’m starved.”