#idk i hate being autistic
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no but like okay i get it america has been colonized and its a culture that has to be (almost) created from the ground up and especially black american culture but like hip-hop and all the sub-genres they have colonized black-french/black-english/black-spanish and so on yk like what is the musical genre of these (and others) black-european cultures before black americans “colonized” europe culture back yk like i see black french artists talking about hip hop /rnb/rap and all that as their culture but it’s (black) american technically yk what was the music of african descent before the birth of the genre?
i need to google and talk to people to know more about it but yk america is a colonial power and it’s an “empire”. like its citizens have power and privilege (even black americans) have privilege over people of the global south and europe (i should know im french)
#i’m drunk#idk#like i’m drunk enough to be very clumsy but autistic enough to be too self conscious to not be aware of my actions#like i am self conscious to know what i’m saying and the idea of my thoughts i’m trying to convey but not for my mistakes (grammatical or -#others)#idk i hate being autistic#it’s so hard like i can’t be spontaneous i can’t do anything without having thoughts of the 2024928 outcomes#well that it unless im angry this is why i don’t want to deal healthily about my anger issues#that’s the one area of my life where im spontaneous or unaware? of the consequences#like i try my best not to let it affect my relationship but i don’t want it to be another thing where im always thinking 200% i just want-#to relax i hate it there isn’t a day without every thing planned out#it’s so much work its too much#i have to think about every single one of sensory issues and of to minimize them
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i’ve been wanting to do this since day one
#team fortress 2#tf2#era.png#idk if i’ll.. tag the characters? its just a silly little meme#i’ll think on it#anyway i guess i’ll ramble a bit in the tags then#mains: i’ve always played sniper but recently picked up engie! i love avoiding conflict forever#fav character: hmm this aussie that i hate (affectionate)#relate to: i relate to the both of them at the exact same time. autistic AND adhd#learn to play: i’m a dedicated healer class player but medic is soo difficult for me for some reason? one day. one day#fav ship: hmmm these bozos that i hate (AFFECTIONATE)#like to draw: spy is just fun to draw :) ignore sniper this isnt about him#NO ID SORRY :( this feels very difficult to write an id for. i am very sory#REQUESTS R STILL BEING WORKED ON BTW i’ll get to posting those soon. thank you. i will stop talking now
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Fuck the DSM. Seriously, fuck the DSM.
The DSM is and always has been used primarily as a method of rationalizing mistreatment of the people it labels as "deviant." When you look at the history of psychiatry, it becomes clear that things like drapetomania, protest psychosis, hysteria, and homosexuality as a disorder were not just thrown into there randomly. Rather, it showcases the power of the DSM: labeling and categorizing ways of being as mental illness opens up new paths of incarceration, social control, and curative violence. I need people to understand that the modern DSM still works like this: these classifications of madness/mental distress/neurodivergence into psychiatric labels encourage society to treat madness/mental distress/neurodivergence with the apparatuses used to eradicate "deviance." Diagnosis is not neutral.
As mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people, we deserve access to more explanatory models of madness/mental illness/ neurodivergence than what the psychiatric language of normalcy and disorder offers us. Whether this looks like rejecting diagnosis, embracing varying cultural understandings of mental experience, or any million different ways of interpreting our bodymind, we deserve the option to move beyond clinical language that tries to convince us not to trust ourselves. We deserve to view ourselves wholly, leaving room for all our experiences of madness/mental illness/neurodivergence--the meaningful, the terrifying, the joyful, the exhausting. We deserve to have our own relationship with our madness, instead of being pushed to view ourselves as an inherent "danger to self or others" simply by existing as crazy.
Here's another truth: I hate the DSM, and I still call myself bipolar, a diagnosis that came to me through psych incarceration. While I wholeheartedly reject the DSM and the system intertwined with it, I simultaneously acknowledge and believe that many of the collections of symptoms that the DSM describes are very, very real ways of living in the world, and that the distress that they can cause are very very real. When I say fuck the DSM, I don't mean "Mental distress, disability, and neurodivergence aren't real." Rather, I mean that the DSM can never hold my experience of what it is like to be bipolar, the meaning I derive from experiencing life with cyclical moods. The DSM can't hold within its pages what it's like to see my mood cycle not as a tragedy or disaster, but instead as an opportunity, a gift, to grow and shift and go back to the same place over and over again, dying in winter and blooming again in spring. The DSM can't hold the fact that even though I experience very, very real distress due to those mood cycles--they're still mine and I claim that as something that matters to me. I call myself bipolar as a shorthand to tell people that I experience many things both extreme high and low, but I do not mean the same thing when I say "bipolar" as a psychiatrist does.
When we build community as mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people, I want us to have room to share, relate, and care for each other in ways that isn't calling to the authority of a fucked up system with strictly defined categories. I don't want us to take those same ways of thinking and rebrand it into advocacy that claims to fight stigma, but really just ends up reinforcing these same ideas about deviance, cure, control, and danger. I dream of the day when psychiatry doesn't loom as a threat in all of our lives, and I think part of that work requires us as mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people to really grapple with and untangle the ways we label and make meaning of our minds.
ok to reblog, if you want to learn more about antipsychiatry/mad studies check out this reading list.
#personal#antipsychiatry#antipsych#mad pride#mad studies#disability justice#disability#prompted by. idk. being tangential to certain spaces lately#seeing ppl who r forming communities focused on neurodivergency#in a way that really just. reinforces and legitimizes the dsm#and constantly refers to the authority of the dsm as a reason why they r right#not going to get into the specific discourse of the week except to say that something i feel strongly. is that we get to have different#explanatory models. but also that we r allowed to critique explanatory models as a community#like i hate the indigo child shit. i think its full of white supremascist dogwhistles#that's not an explanatory model i feel like the autistic community should ever support u know#anyway. getting offtrack
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Texting in theory: communication with friends! So fun! Memes! Talk talk talk! ❤️✨
Texting in practice: Oh god I don't have the energy to reply right now, I'm currently in Task Mode not Talk Mode so there is currently no battery allocated for socializing atm. Oh it's been too long, do they think I hate them? If I reply will I have to stay engaged in conversation for a few seconds? Half an hour? How long will this conversation be? When is it okay to step away and do something else? Will they think I hate them if I go too long without responding again? I don't hate them, I love them, I need to figure out how to do this. What tone did they intend this in? How do I ask what tone they meant without coming across as rude? How can I respond in a way that cannot possibly be construed as passive aggressive/rude/dismissive? I want to stay engaged with the task I'm doing, I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I really really enjoy it when I'm in the right "Mode" but each notification feels like an obligation. Why does this feel like a chore? I like talking to my friends, why doesn't it feel like talking to my friends? Why do I feel trapped? Why do I avoid people I love? Oftentimes I'm not even "doing" anything when I don't respond, I'm just in "non social" mode. Even if I know I'll enjoy talking once I get started every unopened message feels like a burden. I shouldn't see texts from people I love this way, I should be happy, they want to talk to me and they love me. Why can't I just be normal about this, why can't I stop avoiding every damn thing?
#i'm too autistic for this#I hate that i do this!!! people love me and want to talk to me!!! i wish I wanted to text!!!#i don't!!!#and phone calls also suck??? i feel trapped for some reason???#how do i get over this this has been a problem since i got a phone on hs forever ago lmao#actually autistic#autistic#autism#autism help#text anxiety#texting anxiety#social anxiety#i hate that i ignore things#actually avoidant#i think i may have avpd??? idk tho#i have avoidant traits#but idk if it's enough to actually get dx'd#avoidance#avoidant attachment#avoidance issues#avpd#possibly avpd#questioning avpd#even if I'm not fully avpd i think that there's enough overlap that avpd tools may help????#idfk#i hate being perceived but i want it more than anything#fear of being known
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Finally came up with more about my take on JD’s husband. His name is Drew
#trolls#dreamworks trolls#trolls band together#trolls john dory#john dory#drew styles#oc x canon#me art#I like to think it’s less that he can’t sing because he’s grey and more he’s found fulfillment despite being grey#he would’ve probably done all the tech work on Rhonda#yes they share the same pair of gloves#and jds covers up his wedding ring so that’s why no one notices#they hold gloved hands cause I headcanon jd as vaguely autistic in a way that he hates his bare hands touching things#idk I’ll make it make sense later
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Why the FUCK didn't Sasha apologize to Quinni.
#no im so pissed about that.#dude you don't give an autistic person a meltdown that big over something that hurtful#and just#walk away scot free#last time someone gave me a meltdown that hardcore I cut them off for a month.#that might just be the bpd tho#but still#quinni doesn't seem like the type to just. be chill without an apology and hearing sasha explain herself#and then she makes her her vice??????????#she already acknowledged sasha is only in it for the power trip#sasha didn't even do anything in the investigation she just followed quinni around#which as she should#but she hasn't made up for how she treated quinni AT ALL#in fact she's just gotten MORE of a performative activist#like why the fuck was she such a bitch to missy abt spider#i get it yea. ur friends sometimes have dogshit taste in men but you don't need to make them feel like trash abt it#and the way she was like 'he fetishizes u for being black omg its probably asian girls next omg i dont feel safe'#THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU????????.#also she 100% jumpstarted quinnis identity crisis#with how she was constantly switching between infantilizing her and undermining her autonomy over her own decisions#and treating doing things quinni wanted to do and the specific way she needed to do them as a chore#and then victimizing herself!!!!!!!#like from experience that relationship dynamic IS abusive to autistic people it just is#idk if nt people get it but it's really fucking awful to come from your partner#anyway. until sasha apologizes to both quinni and missy this will continue to be a sasha hate page.#heartbreak high#heartbreak high season 2#quinni gallagher jones#sasha so#missy beckett
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The World: You gotta figure things out on your own. Nobody's gonna hold your hand throughout your life.
Me: BUT I WANT THEM TO. WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME 😭
#i hate this#I hate being forced into independence#i hate having to figure out life on my own#i hate not having anyone to guide me through life because im supposed to learn on my own#idk if this is an autism thing or not#actually autistic#autistic problems#autistic black girl#black neurodivergent#black autistic#autizzy#jay's tism thoughts#autism#autism things#being autistic#neurodivergent problems
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tell me why i can hear another tenants fucking music from my flat. HE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN MY BUILDING. HE LIVES IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE BUILDING ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND I CAN HEAR HIS MUSIC FROM MY FLAT. MY FLAT WHICH IS IN A DIFFERENT SEPARATE BUILDING.
#and staff just say ‘oh we can’t do anything bc its not 11pm yet.’#ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.#i am autistic person who has just spent a full 12hrs in extremely overstimulating public spaces#i am exhausted and i have had to wake up at ass o’clock in the fucking morning#every day for the past like week and a half and will be expected to do so for the forseeable future#i am extremely sensitive to noise and have no ability to zone things out#like everything is always at the same volume for me#all the fucking time no matter what#and they say like oh well in the community there wouldnt be anything to be done so we cant do anything here#BUT WE ARENT IN THE COMMUNITY. ARE WE. WE ARE AT A SUPPORTED LIVING ACCOMMODATION WHERE I HAVE BEEN PLACED#BY MY LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO ARE PAYING TWENTY THREE GRAND A YEAR#AND I AM PAYING FIVE HUNDRED A MONTH#IN ORDER TO RECIEVE SUPPORT FOR MY DISABILITIES. A BIG ONE BEING MY FUCKING AUTISM.#YOU KNOW. THE ONE WHICH IS BEING DIRECTLY IMPACTED BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF ANOTHER TENANT.#WHEN I AM BEING PUSHED TO MY LIMIT ALREADY. LIKE IDK FEELS KINDA CRAZY THAT THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SORTED.#i fucking hate men there is just literally no fucking respect or consideration like its genuinely disgusting and so fucking infuriating#and like he says that staff (women. btw) are being too naggy about it. but never fucking stops to consider that maybe.#maybe people wouldnt have to ‘nag’ you about it IF YOU JUST. DIDNT DO THE THING THAT IS ACTIVELY CAUSING OTHER PEOPLE STRESS.#IDK FUCKING WILD IDEA JUST THOUGHT OF IT.#literally die i want everyone involved to die like I CANNOT DO THISSSSSSSSSSSS
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is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#asking autistics#i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck.#but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times#or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid.#drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people#get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger....#if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because#i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃#eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭#so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason#autism stuff
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me on my way to spend my autistic girl summer :
(a literal slay in my opinion..)
#by autistic girl summer i mean staying in my room and having headaches because i stay too much on my phone kind of summer#runge/lunge is such an autistic girl because he's literally me..#he was soooo cunty in this episode (no)#babygirl in prague of something idk.#just realised he wore his “i am a tourist” outfit once then went back to being an outfit repetitor after that lmao i love him so much#monster#heinrich runge#heinrich lunge#monster anime#naoki urasawa's monster#inspector runge#inspector lunge#i hate that his most popular name isn't runge tbh it suits him so much more 😭
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ah yes dungeon meshi, the manga where an autistic man gets repeatedly bullied by people he thinks are his friends and not a single person supports him
#dont get me wrong i am enjoying this manga#but i'm failing to see how this is some great amazing autistic rep#like yeah laios is obviously autistic#and the struggles he has due to his autism are VERY relatable#but it's deeply uncomfortable that even the people closest to him are routinely awful to him#specifically for his autistic traits#and their bullying is almost always a joke#not a single person defends him#literally senshi is the only character that's never been cruel to him#well and farlyn but lbr she's also autistic and also has been in like half a chapter that ive read so far#maybe ive just not read far enough or not seen enough posts#but im not understanding why the fandom are treating it like amazing autistic rep and how it understands us so well#you could argue that the narrative tends to support laios's methods and way of thinking#but nothing else does#the scene with shuro was fucking awful to read tbh#'you're so annoying because you're autistic. how dare you think im your friend when you should have just guessed that i hated you'#and not a single person defends laios#or calls shuro out on what a fucking horrific way of treating a party member that is#like i dont know MAYBE you could have just said 'hey i don't really want to be friends'#maybe you could COMMUNICATE.#but no it's the autistic man who's the problem. for the crime of.... being too nice.#i don't have a problem with the scene.#i have a problem with the fact that shuro is framed as reasonable here. instead of utterly fucking vile.#i have a problem with none of the other characters sticking up for laios.#dungeon meshi#maybe ppl will start treating him better#i would like to continue reading#but if he continues getting bullied in EVERY fucking chapter as a 'joke' then idk man
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What I always wanted to say but i was too scared to say it its that >I< think that people are getting to be kinda parasocial with the ex-admins at the same way that people are with CCs. I dont know how to explain 100% and my english is bad but I think that:
Acting like ex/current admins are saints, that they NEVER make mistakes and are ALWAYS saints with NO mistakes is bad at the same level as saying/acting like CCs are 100% saints TOO.
please DONT get me wrong, but acting like all/some of the ex-admins/current admins dont do mistakes bc they are "ALWAYS right" and not realizing that they are also human and that they can VERY well make mistakes is also just as wrong as doing the same to a CC.
This is not a direct to ANY ex/current admin, just saying this bc SOME people are being kinda parasocial with them and well.. its not good to act like that, its VERY harmful to treat them like gods/saints, they should be treated as real life PEOPLE.
#nictxt#qsmp admin situation#admingate#discourse#kinda#probally going to delete later#idk im scared i just want to make people know that being like that is harmful :/#like treating a CC like a saint is bad#and doimg this to a ex/current admin is ALSO bad#its just start to fell parasocial.#dont trown hate at me please im just a autistic guy that needs to say his opnion please#i dont think also that we should treat them like CCs too#atleast this is my opnion bye guys if this get a lot of notifications i will maybe delete this#reminder this is NOT directly at ANYONE. im not targetting anyone#tbis is just what i think
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pissed off at people who call midoriya's interest in all might as obsessive and creepy. something something autistic people cant have their special interests in public something something
#this is a serious post btw#I am simplifying things here but thats only because I dont want to write a super long post#about how people hating towards midoriyas interest in all might connects to autistic people being 'othered' for having special interests#idk man it just feels weird to me#when I see an autistic boy being passionate about his sp/in and people call him a weirdo or obsessive or creepy#i will elaborate if asked#dogwatertalks#mha#izuku midoriya#autistic midoriya
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i don't know maybe it's the translation i read but i guess i always thought it was made fairly clear that shuro never legitimately hated laios so much as he resented him for being able to be the way he was. much like laios (albeit for very different reasons) shuro's affect is frequently commented on by others to be strange and at a mismatch with the prevailing culture around him, being very reticent to the point of the part where he tells the girl he likes that he likes her being when he Proposed. quite a few characters say something to this effect! shuro was raised in formality and stoicism and i think has a tendency towards not rocking the boat even besides that, and now here's this guy who breaks every one of his rules and he makes it look so easy. it's like a two-pronged frustration of "doesn't this guy understand that you can't just do that" and "fuck, what would it feel like to be able to do that." of course he gets mad! it's frustration, but it's also envy.
#the nemesis speaks#after their fight they're very chill/friendly and in the nightmares chapter laios literally says something to the effect of#''i thought we worked this out already!'' when dream shuro shows up. so he does consider that fight to be Working Things Out#&that like. imo makes it pretty clear that shuro's dislike of laios was never like inherent? it was just another product of him not-#-being able to say clearly when he likes or doesn't like something. trying to keep a lid on that pot until it boiled over#once the air had been cleared and laios was aware of it- i mean the relief of that honesty must have been-#-kind of fresh air to shuro atp regardless after not saying anything for so long.#& i think you can't bare that much of your soul to another person without becoming friends at least a little bit#plus all of shuro's actions after that chap and his demeanor towards laios are much warmer in general#idk where i'm going with this i guess tl;dr it's not even that shuro hates laios' autistic traits it's that they're like-#-out of place socially in opposite directions and shuro dislikes how unfamiliar laios is but also kind of wants to be more like him#this is beyond just the fact that the final line of their fight (in the translation at least) was quite literally#''that's the part of you that i envy''
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hard work being a single Motha
#nina speaks#keep my boys on me at all times#like a GLOCK#sorry guys hard work raising two beautiful boys#and this hideous tumor in my head#slay!#god i love when the pinterest is updated tho#i lied no the fuck it’s not nina lmao#but that shit takes me hours so im taking a break#when im depressed i just sit in the jk and rs boards#and sigh deeply and twirl my hair#kings truly also mechanic stan wheeeew#love u rural colorado normie lumberjacked probably autistic KING#whoever asked me abt ikes friend group#hold on boss i gotta get my NOTES out#yes i am insane#also i do look kind of insane#but tfw so much happened to ur body#and face that u can…no longer look at urself in the mirror#i had a stannic attack and had to do my makeup out of the corner of my eye#but u know self care jump scare same difference yeah#i hate being ILL i want to answer october spooky time asks#here’s to hoping#here’s to coping#also the college moodboards don’t talk to me like THEYRE HAPPY???#JK WEARING COLORS?? FOR THE CHILDREN??? ;-;;#RAVENSTANS LIL READING GLASSES#tfw u clown ur sbf everyday and call him cuatros ojos and he realizes uve never been to an optometrist#and u keep squinting at things when u read them but not in a dyslexic way#in a those letters are blurry and idk what they are but that’s normal right everyone’s letters look like that HUH??? HUUUH NO BABY
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re: last post: i think some of you are conflating correlation with causation tbh. like there’s a lot of neurodivergent gifted kids but gifted kids are not inherently neurodivergent, its a different phenomenon
#tbh its giving ‘’autism is NOT a disability and youre ableist to autistics if you say that’’#or like. idk i notice that a lot of nd people that are low needs are pretty shitty to nd people who have high needs#like as if to go ‘’oh THOSE people dont REPRESENT the community. we’re the REAL community because we can talk normal hehe <3’’#and i dont think thats what those people specifically are doing but idk#echoed voice#the most bizarre interactions ive had are when i mention the ableism around autism#and people go ‘’???? why on EARTH would anyone hate an autistic person? theyre so smart! id love to hang with one!’’#and im like oh you do not live on the same plane of existence as me wtf#bonus points: later that same person interacts with an autistic person and freaks out and gets pissed off#so trying to go ‘’oh Being Smart counts as being neurodivergent!’’ sets off red flags to me#bc my automatic question is just. ok how do you act around nd people that you deem ‘’stupid’’
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