#idk christmas was horrible
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I'll admit I've spent a lot of time in syscourse arguing about mundane things that... don't really matter in the real world..
But yesterday interacting with some older family members the realization slapped me in the face of how niche these debates are. How most people aren't part of the "endo" vs "traumagenic" and instead just lump all plurality as schizophrenic and as something that needs to be fixed. I had a family member ask me over and over why I wasn't able to make it go away with medicine.
To put it plainly, the normalization of disordered and non-disordered plurality alike would be beneficial to everyone! I have trauma and my experiences result from trauma, but those experiences are incredibly personal and are not something I want to be sharing with every person I meet. I just want me and my parts to be respected and yet I'm always stuck in the cycle of justifying my plurality by my trauma.
I want to live the reality where my system's plurality is accepted and respected without questions. Stories about what I went through as a child, how my recovery is going, all the negative parts about my plurality - these are things I want kept private amongst trusted people in my life and they shouldn't be necessary for me to disclose in order for my plurality to be respected.
Regardless of what your syscourse stance is, we can all agree that we want respect and we wanted to be treated with kindness. And whilst we may be educated on the issues we face, the older generations live in an entirely different world and that education we see on a daily basis will basically never reach them. Sometimes there's a mutual benefit in alliances!
#syscourse#did system#did#did osdd#system#actually did#actually plural#osdd system#osdd#syspunk#systempunk#pluralpunk#cdd#cdd system#cdd community#polyfrag#idk christmas was horrible
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i love bringing anti-establishment vibes into the establishment
#im radicalizing my coworkers#but also im like why are yall not as antiestablishment for me when the corporation we work for is obviously horrible#the pharmacist literally got yelled at (not even hyperbolic) for taking off around christmas#luckily the store was closed on christmas day itself#but like bruh#then we literally have severe understaffing making unsafe working conditions for the patients#and we are all running around like a chicken w our heads cut off all shift#im like guys we are all slaves to the corporation#and theyre all making even less money than i am and i dont even make that much#except the pharmacist of course#idk how everyone doesnt have my very anti-establishment mindset#but anyway#i hope my pharmacist didnt take what i said as an insult#i just said that the corporation is forcing one pharmacist to check 8 million prescriptions in 5 seconds#and when you work faster than you should it causes more mistakes#but that was after my one coworker said but (pharmacist name#) does it#so i hope she didnt take that as a dig at her#bc shes writing my recommendations LMAO#and also just bc i like her#bc shes just doing the best in a system that has set her up to fail#its not her fault#she's a good pharmacist#but in this environment safety or patient care is not the priority profit is#and they literally just cut the store hours again#so theyre just making it even worse
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had an Almost Normal™ christmas with my family (partially due to my brother and his girlfriend driving half an hour to two towns over for the one (1) supermarket that was open on christmas day) and it was really nice. :)
... and then one of our cats knocked over an old lamp and lamp oil spilled all over my mums organ that she bought when she was a teenager and all over knick knacks and all over an antique jigsaw puzzle and we were in our underwear at 2am trying to rescue what we could while my parents were bickering like the should-be-divorced couple they are and bloody hell. it really just. nailed how dysfunctional my family is and how we try to adjust to some type of standard and then immediately fall apart at any inconvenience.
#text#i am really trying not to feel like a miserable git but this christmas is making me feel worse than the usual ones#because all these christmas movies are about love and the power of friendship and good christian values etc etc#and i just feel like a single sack of shit incapable of love because i give love to Everyone when it is casual#but clamp up when anyone ever wants something serious#and i have been a shit friend because i moved 650km away and i dont.... strongly miss people#because i have also been a loner and bad at meeting with friends and hanging out when i lived 30km away#i need to be forced to hang out and then i will be the life of the party and people will expect that it is in my nature#i love people i go crazy when i am not with people but i am a horrible horrible friend#idk the christmas season makes me feel broken and i am having a bad time
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#there is this inherent horrible horrible guilt to me when it comes to money#I can not buy something for me. I Have to convince myself it is for something productive#or it will be used by my family or used with my friends#it cant just be for me for nothing or its all for naught#and i dont know how to explain this to people#i really really dont#because then sometimes people will offer to get something for me but thats almost worse#because then it shifts from the guilt of wasting money on yourself for nothing. a solid 65/100 on the guilt scale#to wasting *someone elses* money on myself for nothing which is an easy 80 or so on the guilt scale and is only worse if it costs more#like see.#its easy when its like christmas because so long as you are about equivelent in money or I am doing more than the other it is good and righ#but as soon as the scale tips there is something horrible in my chest like ive done some great wrong to be righted#you know?#I dont know its just#i feel so strange trynig to ever expalin it all so i just . dont#I just try to circumnavigate it#like like#if i can just pay them back overtime it works out perfect#a lot of times i get really really narvous about this to a weird degree and i genuinely dont know how to get out of it#because when its like way over into the red with someone the last time i got so stressed I started sweating like I was running#and i was breathing weird and feeling lightheaded so i layed down on the ground and just stayed there for a while#sorry to Justice and Charles who will never see this post or explaination and only knew that I got really weird at my own birthday circa 19#idk#its just one of those inherent traits to me forever and ever
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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i don't have TV but i am so dedicated to watching pelíšky at christmas that i'm just gonna go ahead and fire up netflix so i can watch it on there
#please watch it it's really good lmfao#it's called cosy dens in english#iconic christmas movie even though it's barely christmassy. like the only christmassy thing abt it is that#the plot begins at christmas. lol#anyways i am also critical of it as it's kinda one of those films that's like 'look how HORRIBLE communism was'#as are most films where august 1968 is a big plot point....... looking at you rebelové#but like yeah august 1968 is a collective trauma event so i can understand why these films take that approach to the old regime#even if i don't think the approach is entirely accurate and influences the collective memory of the regime quite significantly#anyway the film is also pretty good in some aspects. idk i think it'd a good critique of certain flavors of masculinity#even though that's most likely not what the film intended to do#anyway rant over pls watch pelíšky but do it with a critical eye#neptalks
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It's been a year and half since I took over as host and what a year and a half it's been
#.txt#last year around this time. I was having a really bad time and I'm glad I got through it in the end#idk why I feel like yapping today on here but well. yeah#I'm putting the “having a bad time” lightly because honestly#I don't wanna remember how bad I was doing#⚔️#have a horrible holidays etc etc (<- Christmas hater)#or have a good one idc#I MISS MY GUYYYYY
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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I would love to get official OFMD merch to support the show but also...I hate their design so much
#ofmd#like it's not /horrible/#and for promotion and stuff it was so cool#but i don't want it on a shirt#and i especially hate shirts with like a pocket image on the front and a huge image on the back#idk if it's because i can't see it and i'm like i wanna wear my cute little shirt for me#or what but i just don't like it#i do like the stickers and the mug#hoping to get those for christmas#or hope the shop is still open then
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f anart
#that one pic in marys horrible office/book.place#idk i was making christmas sbahj and this happened#the magnus archives#tma
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there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/
#she died two months before my eighth birthday#and every time i realize i’ve lived well over half my life without her i go a little bit insane bc that just doesn’t feel right#like soooo many of my favorite memories are with her how is it possible she was only in my life for less than eight years#my grandpas on both sides died before i was born so all i’ve ever had is my grandmas#and there’s also the horrible guilt i feel all the time knowing my other grandma is still alive but i rarely ever see her#but when i was a kid she lived an hour and a half away from us and this grandma lived around the corner#so we saw her all the time and every christmas fourth of july etc that whole side of my extended family would all go to her house#she moved into that house when my mom was 2 years old and lived there for the rest of her life so 40 years#and when she went into hospice care her one request was to die in that house surrounded by her kids and grandkids so that’s what happened#my parents bought the house after she died but we lived there for less than 2 years before moving to arizona#they’re both from colorado but they met in arizona and me and my sisters were born here#and the main reason we moved back to colorado in the first place was to be near her#but when we moved again my parents sold the house to our neighbors who had two daughters that my sisters and i grew up with#and they’re still our family friends to this day and we used to go on trips to national parks together every summer#we didn’t see them for maybe five years but then two summers ago their older daughter got married and we went to her wedding#which got us talking about how long it had been since our last trip so we went on another one last summer#this has turned into a tangent but it just makes me so happy that they’re still in our lives#and this great family we’ve known almost my entire life is living in my grandma’s house#she had a pool in her backyard which is super common here in az but not so much in colorado#and she let us invite these girls over all the time to swim so they grew up spending almost as much time in that house as we did#last time we were in colorado we went to have dinner with them and swim and it was like being transported back to my childhood#that house is just so special to me and i felt so blessed to be able to go back there since this family bought it instead of strangers#in a perfect world everything would align in a way that would let me buy it when i’m older and have my own family there#i’ve never had a strong attachment to any other house we’ve lived in but that one will always be my grandma’s house in my mind#i just love and miss her so much she was the most amazing grandma i ever could have asked for#my mom still has a lot of her childhood friends on facebook and whenever she would post pictures of me and my sisters as kids#everyone would comment that i looked exactly like my grandma did when she was a kid and that makes me so so happy#anyway. idk. i just miss her sm she was an angel and i’m so happy she was such a big part of my childhood#lj.txt
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somebody stole my food frm the pantry fridge im cant fucking do this
#i ordered it yesterday i cant just cash out 250 more#it literally wasnt even in there for 12 hours and its just fucking goneee#im genuinely so upset this is my last straw#i have a horrible assignment due on christmas morning and i cant see my family for new years and ive been going through horrible dysphoria#these past few weeks i just wanted to eat my leftover chicken noodles in peace i hate everything#im sorry this is pathetic but idk what else to do#im not having a good time rn#i hope that bitch breaks her ankle
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i feel SO much and i want SO much and im SO greedy and im SO full of love and SO starved for affection
and then the next minute im like, ok nevermind im fine leave me alone yall omg i need to be alone and do my shit
#i wonder if this is just a me thing or an adhd thing or another thing#i had this in my other relationship#and mind u it was shitty for many reasons#but this issue made me feel bad and guilty#how could just be suddenly compl cold and compl uninterested in anybody else#i guess ive always been like this#like ok my family is shitty but i have barely any affection for them#i always hated doing the whole social connection song and dance#birthday presents and christmas greeting cards and doing nice shit and thinking of people#which sounds legit horrible i know#and even in relationships i only did it some years when i wanted to do#but some years i couldnt be fucked#and after making all these experiences i realized that i couldnt never be a forever partnership#i will never wanna live with somebody else ever again#having a cat is like my maximum honestly#but that makes me sad occasionally#cuz it IS nice to have somebody around and just#exist with each other and talking to another person like daily#i guess my perfect social connections would be friends living in the same building#and id cuddle with some of them or something idk#i guess there are ppl just like me and its possible to find smbdy like that#but it would suck if like those phases wouldnt like align or smth?#anway i understand ppl constantly breaking up & getting back together#cuz if the relationship isnt great#the days after making up are the best until the problems start up again#le sigh#avotxt
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life sucks and then you [redacted]
#sad vent incoming in tags!#found out this morning a former friend who i havent spoken to since right after christmas has died#at like 2am this morning in a car accident so bad it made local news#current friends and i had had a falling out w her and ended on bad terms and we hadnt spoken since#and now she's dead! and im a lot more sad than i thought i would be!!#esp bc she died so horribly! fuck!!!#she had kids :((#idk why im posting this here i just needed to let it out to a place it doesnt matter to ig
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I don't need to share a faith with someone to believe in their human rights and their right to not to be violated/killed en masse. (I would hope that is obvious)
That being said, I was unprepared for the very...specific pain I would feel reading about the atrocities inflicted on Christians in Gaza. It's just... horrible 😟
#to be clear again it is also horrible for palestinian muslims/jewish people/atheists etc.#nobody deserves to go through what they are no matter what#but something about hearing what's happening to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ#especially RIGHT before Christmas#hurts me to my very core#sidenote but that's part of why I don't really vibe with those “now will the west christians care???” posts bc like#yes? I also cared when it was happening to people other than Christians? it shouldn't be happening to anybody?#idk I know they're well meaning but they've started to bug me#anyway#marie speaks
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I-I just can’t anymore
I don’t know what I expected when I clicked this but it wasn’t a masterpiece
The Virtual Toad Choir Presents: SILENT NIGHT
#volume warning#I feel like my last surviving brain cell just died but that’s ok#merry christmas everyone#I’ll come back tomorrow when I stop dying of laughter#My eardrums are now thoroughly damaged#in all seriousness good job to everyone who participated#it was both horrible and amazing#toad#idk what to put here#star reblogs#staru reblogs
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