#i've spent way too long thinking about this

[lastoneout]

This is actually part of why I think dignity of risk and informed consent absolutely needs to include what I like to call the right to give up.

I've spent the better part of my entire 20s trying as hard as I can to "get better" and you know what happened? I expanded my mobility a bit, I have slightly more energy, I feel calmer and happier because I enjoy what little exercise I can actually do. But I didn't "get better" in the way I needed to. I cannot go to school, I can't work, I have to choose between chores and errands most days, if I push myself too hard I crash sometimes for days at a time, and I'm never, NEVER lower than a 4 on the pain scale.

And like, I've met so many doctors who, when I explained that I needed more help with my condition because despite spending literally ALL OF MY FREE TIME on taking care of myself and working on "getting better" I legit cannot do anything fun or social or get a job or go to school due to my pain, fully acted like I have some sort of moral obligation to continue to focus all of my time and energy on "getting better" and so long as I'm doing that it doesn't actually matter that my life is nearly completely devoid of things that make it worth living. I would bring up mobility aids and they would balk, insisting it would make me "worse"(whatever the fuck that means at this point), and continue to push me to go to physical therapy 3 times a week and keep trying different meds and meditation and acupuncture and acupressure and mindfulness and just pushing myself harder and and a ton of other things that for various reasons don't work or would have too many downsides to be worth it to lower my pain. It didn't matter that I swore up and down I would keep going to PT and only use the wheelchair when I really needed it, the slight possibility of maybe having my mobility restricted just a bit more is enough for them to tell me I should not have a life outside of managing my illnesses.

What's even worse is that what's causing my pain, hEDS and fibromyalgia, are both life-long degenerative conditions that have no cure. I will never "get better". No amount of pain meds and PT is ever going to give me back the mobility I had before things got bad. But EVEN THEN, apparently managing my condition is all that matters, not getting to spend what time I have doing things that make me happy.

I did finally get approved for a wheelchair thanks to my new primary who used to work at an hEDS clinic and was fully sympathetic to me being allowed to live my fucking life, and after that I was talking to my mom who's been in a wheelchair since she was 13 and she said "You know, my range of motion and ability to walk did get a little worse after I got my chair, but what I could do in the chair was so much more than I could ever do without it, and that I think if you want to sacrifice a bit of mobility for being able to do things that make you happy, you should be trusted to make that choice." and she's fucking right!! I don't care if it's a little harder for me to walk around inside my house if I can finally go to school and hang out with my family and run errands and go on walks with my fiance!! Trying to "get better" is fucking exhausting and I truly, 100% believe that people who are disabled should be allowed to give up if we want, especially if it will make it easier for us to do things that are fun and fulfilling.

So yeah, tbh if "getting better" is too hard, if you're sacrificing all the things that make you happy for minuscule returns, if you're just fucking tired and want things to be a little easier, then you should have that option. I never should have had to wait this long for a wheelchair, doctor's should have fucking listened when I broke down sobbing in their offices about how I can't even go clothes shopping or get coffee with my mom and physical therapy isn't helping and I don't care about being healthy if it means I have to give up my entire life for the rest of my life for the slim chance of maybe getting like halfway there. I am a grown ass adult and I should be allowed to decide on my own when enough is fucking enough. (Also, it's kinda hard to want to get better when you like. Don't get to see your family or do fun things. Kinda inhumane to withhold basic human needs like community and entertainment until someone "tries to get better" like fuck off with that.)

We deserve informed consent, dignity of risk, and the right to fucking give up when we decide the cost of "getting better" is too high. Health =/= morality, there is no nobility in suffering, if you're tired of toiling you're not lazy or ungrateful, you're just tired. And you should be allowed to rest, even if it means getting worse or needing more help.

You know what? It’s fucking hard trying to get better. It’s exhausting managing doctors appointments, doing daily PT exercises, eating better, trying to exercise, trying to meditate, and doing ADL’s. I have had a bad crash per week trying to juggle and do all of the above.

It’s easier and less acutely painful to just coast and not actively work on ‘getting better’. Is the work worth it? I don’t know yet.

But to people who’ve tried and given up, to those who don’t even bother - you still deserve care and compassion.

[crescencestudio]

๋࣭⭑ Devlog #45 | 12.02.24 ๋࣭⭑

well, this is more like a half devlog if i'm being honest

Hi everyone! Man, it's been a while since we last talked, huh? Somehow my last devlog to you all was end of August, and now we're all the way in December. It's crazy to know I was in my cave for that long LMFALSIDJF

I don't usually do devlogs starting the last two months of the year---usually because I end up getting busy, and with it being the holidays, I just give myself the devlog off as my one little "holiday treat."

This year, it's a bit different since I haven't given you all a devlog in quite a while. I have exciting and boring news to share with you all this month! First off for exciting news, as I'm sure you've all heard....

I'M A DOCTOR!!!!!!

That's RIGHT. The step away from Alaris was everything I needed to be able to crunch my dissertation and graduate this semester. To say it was painful would be a complete understatement. For context, people usually spend about 1 year writing and defending their dissertation. Since I last spoke to you all, I ended up analyzing, writing, and defending my entire dissertation in the span of about 2-3 months. Basically every moment that I existed as a living being was spent working on my dissertation (if I wasn't working), and even a month after I defended I'm in disbelief that I was able to pull it off.

But here I stand before you all, finally free from the confines of academia after a grueling 4 years.

I have worked on Alaris the entire time I've been in PhD school, and so there's literally no one here who knows me outside of being a PhD student. So it's crazy to enter a new chapter of game dev where I no longer have to balance work, PhD school, and Alaris. And instead, I can be a normal person that just balances work and game dev.

That being said...

I know I had told you all I would be back in the Alaris grind in November since that would be around the time when my defense would be. And while I've literally tried my damnedest to get back on the game dev horse, it's been a Fckn Struggle, everyone.

I don't think I realized how hard I was working myself until this past month rolled around and I entered recovery mode. Admittedly, I actually think I was working myself harder when I was balancing Alaris with work and PhD stuff than when I was crunching a 1 year dissertation project into 2 months. And this might not be a new revelation to some people---even earlier this year, I remember getting comments of like "wow, you're working so fast/hard!" "omg how are you getting all this done?" "you need to be nicer to yourself, i don't think you realize how much work you actually do" etc. etc.

But I think because I enjoy game dev so much, I didn't see it as working myself hard. Now, though, after getting some clarity and seeing how much that was affecting my physically, I really want to make it a point to take care of myself better and not push myself too hard (life is too short and healthcare is too expensive LMALSDF).

So, while this isn't me saying Alaris is going on hiatus or anything scary like that, I do hope you all can extend a bit more of your patience and understanding at least until the end of this year for me to get back into the swing of things. I have genuinely been thinking about Alaris a lot---the script and scenes I want to write, CGs I want to draw, etc. But I just haven't had the physical energy to do it.

I'm hoping writing this devlog will help me get back into the swing of things this month. But I do want to be transparent that the holiday season tends to get busy for me, so I don't want to make promises of working on Alaris at any kind of full capacity.

Luckily, a lot of Alaris is done. If you all remember, the only route that needs to be written at this point is Aisa's. And half of the routes have been programmed! While Etza and Kuna'a's routes do need to be cleaned up and edited, a lot of the foundational work, which is most time-consuming for me is done. So I do still hope to get Alaris to you all (at least the Central routes) in early 2025!

Thank you all as always for being patient and understanding. As I get back on the Alaris horse, I also hope to get back into answering your messages <3 Hope you all are staying warm and having a restful holiday season.

[ssamlovr]

The art gallery. 팜 한니 x f!reader

୨९. NOW PLAYING; Cry

Hanni and Yn were completely in love

⠀⠀⠀⠀ ʚɞྀ pairing. non!idol Hanni x f!r genre. ANGST

A/N:: this one is angsty as hell, I'm sososo sorry (not really)

The City's University of Arts was a vibrant place, filled with young people full of grand dreams and unchecked passions. It was the kind of university where the hallways always seemed to buzz with conversation: artists discussing projects, philosophical debates at every corner, and the air thick with the creative energy that always set the rhythm of university life. Hanni had come to study graphic design, drawn by the possibility of creating something with a visual impact. It had been her dream since she was young, and when she finally arrived at university, it felt as though everything was falling into place.

However, something was missing. Though she felt happy to be there, there were times when she sensed that something deeper was lacking, something that would give her purpose beyond her academic projects. Hanni had spent much of her life chasing perfection, meeting expectations, and while it had made her successful, it never gave her the peace she was seeking. Then, one day, everything changed.

It was the first day of classes for the second semester, and Hanni decided to take a walk around the campus after a long morning full of lectures and presentations. As she walked toward the central garden, she noticed a girl sitting on a bench, absorbed in her sketchbook. The girl had dark hair pulled into a messy ponytail, and her face was focused yet relaxed. Hanni approached without thinking too much, drawn by an inexplicable curiosity.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Hanni asked shyly.

The girl looked up, surprised by the question, but when their eyes met, Hanni felt a spark of something instant, something she couldn't identify at that moment. The girl gave her a sincere smile.

“No, of course,” she gestured with her hand, inviting her to sit.

Hanni sat beside her, a mix of excitement and nervousness filling her. In that moment, nothing seemed as important as the silent connection that had already formed.

“Are you drawing?” Hanni asked, glancing at the sketchbook the girl was holding.

The girl nodded, her face softening as she spoke.

“Yes. I was working on a project for my illustration class, exploring the idea of emotions through human faces.”

Hanni smiled, fascinated. Although she was studying graphic design, there was something about the passion Yn (as she soon learned the girl was named) put into her work that captivated her.

“That sounds amazing. I do something similar, but with a more structured, more... controlled approach. But I've never tried anything as... free as that,” Hanni said, feeling a little insecure as she compared herself.

Yn looked at her, a playful smile forming on her lips.

“That sounds fascinating. Control is important, but so is losing yourself a little in the chaos, right?” Yn responded, giving her a little joke.

The conversation flowed easily from that moment. Hanni realized that Yn was different from the people she had met up until then. She had a way of seeing beyond the obvious, a way of perceiving the world that Hanni had never considered. Every word Yn spoke felt like a spark that ignited something inside of her.

The First Month: The Beginning of an Unexpected Love

From that moment, Hanni and Yn began to spend more time together. What started as occasional conversations after class soon turned into something more. They began studying together, sharing coffees in the small campus cafes, and discovering the little quirks of each other's lives. For Hanni, everything about Yn felt like a new form of art. Her laugh, their long conversations about everything and nothing, the way Yn viewed life with such a fresh perspective, made Hanni feel alive in a way she had never experienced before.

During that first month, their relationship blossomed quickly. Hanni found herself completely absorbed by Yn. There was something in the way Yn looked at her, as if she could see through her, and it made Hanni feel understood, appreciated, as if she had finally found someone who accepted her for who she was. Yn also seemed drawn to Hanni, though in a much calmer way. Her calm energy and passion for art were the perfect combination for Yn, who had always valued depth in relationships but had rarely found someone she could connect with so easily.

They shared long nights of studying, challenged each other in their artistic projects, and embraced each other with the same passion they used to debate the ideas they were putting on their canvases or notebooks. The first month flew by, but what they experienced together left a deep mark on both of them. They loved each other with an intensity that made them feel invincible, as if nothing in the world could stand in their way.

One day, while walking through the park near the university, Yn took Hanni's hand without saying a word. Hanni, surprised but pleased, squeezed it tightly, as if they were sealing something between them. Yn looked at Hanni with a soft smile.

“This... I feel like this is the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Yn said, with a sincerity that touched Hanni's heart.

Hanni couldn’t help but smile, completely in love. Her heart raced every time Yn looked at her, and that first month together felt like a perfect dream, where everything seemed to fall into place. Love was in the air, in the laughter, in the hugs, and in the endless conversations about the future.

The First Year: A Love That Seemed Indestructible

The first year of their relationship was a whirlwind of emotions. They went to art exhibitions, traveled to museums together, and had coffee at outdoor cafés in the city center. Hanni and Yn shared their fears and dreams, and most importantly, they supported each other on their respective paths.

However, as the months went by, Hanni began to notice subtle changes, although they were small at first. Yn became increasingly absorbed by her projects. Her passion for art grew, but so did her emotional distance. Hanni tried to ignore it at first, focusing on her own work, but the little signs began to accumulate.

There were days when Yn came home late, too tired to talk. There were moments when Hanni tried to get closer, but Yn was already lost in her thoughts or her work. It felt as though everything else took priority over their relationship. Hanni began to feel displaced, although she didn't know how to express it.

The relationship that had started as a dream, began to fade under the weight of others' expectations. Yn, trapped in a cycle of family pressures, drifted further away from Hanni. Her parents, who had always exerted tight control over her life, wanted her to be perfect: successful, admired, a famous artist who stood out in the art world. Everything Yn did, every stroke she made, every decision she took, was marked by the weight of fulfilling others’ expectations, especially her mother’s, who always saw her as the daughter who had to excel in every aspect.

The emotional exhaustion of living to meet those standards deeply affected her. Although Yn initially immersed herself in her art with passion, that very passion turned into an obsession that isolated her even more. Her parents didn’t just want her to be an excellent artist, they also wanted her to be perfect in everything else: her behavior, her social life, her image. Nothing Yn did seemed to be enough to satisfy their demands. Each success only left her feeling emptier, more distant from herself.

Over time, the love between Hanni and Her began to deteriorate. Though Yn still showed affection to Hanni, her soul was no longer fully present. The pressure to meet others' expectations had emotionally drained her. She could no longer bear the burden of being perfect for everyone, let alone maintaining a relationship that no longer felt genuine to her.

At first, Hanni didn’t understand what was happening. But as Yn became more distant, more absorbed in her art and her own thoughts, Hanni began to feel the emotional gap between them. That connection, which had once been so deep, started to fade, as if it were a mural slowly chipping away.

Finally, in a conversation Hanni could no longer avoid, she confronted Yn.

“What’s happening to you, Yn?” she asked, her heart heavy, unable to understand how it had come to this point.

Yn, looking at Hanni with sadness, explained what she had been holding inside for a long time.

“My parents… they don’t understand what I really want. Everything I do is conditioned by their expectations. They want me to be perfect, to be someone I’m not… and it’s exhausting me. Art is no longer what it used to be for me. I don’t know how to be myself anymore,” she confessed, her voice breaking with frustration.

Hanni felt a sharp pain hearing those words because she understood what her girlfriend had been going through. But she also realized that their relationship could no longer continue. The perfection her parents demanded from Yn had consumed even what they had built together, leaving everything in a state of emptiness and desolation.

The end wasn’t dramatic, nor filled with great confrontations. It was more of a gradual process, almost imperceptible in its most delicate moments, but increasingly palpable in their silence. Yn had changed, not abruptly, but in a way that Hanni hadn’t been able to identify at first. As she submerged herself more and more in her projects, Hanni began to feel more and more invisible. The small gestures of affection that once were abundant, like spontaneous hugs or tender gestures, became rare—something that only happened in a few moments.

The afternoons when they used to walk around the city together, exploring art galleries or just enjoying ice cream lying on the couch, became less frequent. Yn was always too busy to go out, and when she did, she seemed distracted, absent. Hanni watched her, trying to understand what was happening, but her attempts to get closer only seemed to push her further away.

One Friday night, after Yn had canceled their plans once again, Hanni realized what she had been ignoring for so long: she was no longer happy. There was no longer a spark in Yn's eyes when she looked at her, no excitement in her words—just an indifference that seeped into every conversation, every encounter.

“Yn… we need to talk,” Hanni said, her voice trembling from the fear the conversation caused her.

The girl looked up, but her face showed no surprise. It was as though, in some way, she already knew what Hanni was going to say.

“Hanni, I know how you’ve been feeling,” she spoke, her voice soft but filled with a sadness that made Hanni's heart tighten. “I’ve noticed it too. But I don’t know how to fix it. Everything has consumed me in a way that I don’t know how to handle anymore.”

With tears in her eyes, Hanni felt a pang of pain. It was as though Yn had already accepted that their relationship had no solution.

“So you don’t want to try to fix it?” Hanni asked, trying to hold back the tears.

Yn looked at the ground, unable to meet Hanni’s gaze. Her voice was low, but clear.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Hanni. It’s just that I’ve gotten lost in my own world, and I don’t know how to find my way back to what we had. I’ve been drifting away, and I can’t promise you that will change.”

Perfect While It Lasted

It was a warm spring afternoon, the cool air gently caressing the skin as the sun began to set, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink. Hanni and Yn walked hand in hand through the park near the university, taking their time, enjoying the tranquility that only small shared moments could offer.

Yn had brought her sketchbook, as she always did. Hanni watched her with a tender smile as Yn sat down on the grass, pulling out her pencil and starting to draw what she saw around her: the flowers

"It’s so beautiful how you manage to capture everything around you with just a few lines," Hanni said softly, her voice full of affection.

She looked up from the sketchbook, meeting Hanni’s eyes, and smiled with that expression of hers—the smile that made the world seem like a perfect place just because they were together.

"Sometimes I feel like only in these moments do I see things clearly. It’s like the world becomes simpler when we're here, in this place, without having to worry about anything else," She replied, looking back down at her sketchbook.

Hanni watched her in silence for a moment, feeling Yn's words resonate in her heart. It wasn’t the first time Yn had said something like that, but the way she said it always enveloped her in a peace she had never experienced before.

Then, Yn lifted her head, and without warning, leaned toward Hanni and kissed her, a tender, spontaneous gesture that made Hanni blush. Yn softly laughed at her reaction, and Hanni couldn’t help but laugh too, feeling a deep warmth inside her.

"I love you so much," She whispered, and in that moment, Hanni felt time stop.

Hanni couldn’t help but embrace her, wrapping her arms around her, feeling the warmth of her body and the soft scent of her hair. Being with Yn, in that moment, felt like being in a dream. Everything she needed was right there: love, companionship, and the promise that, for a brief but perfect instant, nothing in the world could make them feel more whole.

They stayed there, holding each other under the vibrant sky, without needing to speak. The simple presence of one another was enough to make everything seem possible. And for a moment, Hanni felt completely at peace, as if this love were the missing piece she had been searching for her entire life.

That day, even though the sun set and night began to fall, Hanni knew she would carry it with her always: the memory of a love so pure, so full of promises and laughter, that not even the passing of time could erase it.

Yn's words were like a door slamming shut. Hanni felt a sense of emptiness in her chest, a painful void that nothing could fill. Yn no longer loved her, or at least not in the way she once had. The love that had once been so solid, so passionate, was now just an echo of what it had been.

The following days were strange. Though they still saw each other, the connection between them no longer existed. The moments they spent together felt forced, as if they were both fulfilling an obligation they no longer wanted to continue. Conversations became colder, smiles more fake. The passion that had once characterized their relationship evaporated, leaving only an empty space between them.

Hanni began to wonder if it had all been an illusion. If everything she had felt for Yn, that deep connection, had been nothing but a mirage. Did she really love her? Or had she just been searching for something to complete her, something to make her feel less empty?

The Last Goodbye

One day, while walking together through the same park where they had first met, Yn took Hanni’s hand, but this time, there was no spark. There was no immediate connection that Hanni had felt so many times before. It was as if they were both physically there, but their hearts no longer shared the same space.

"Hanni, I know this isn’t easy," Yn said, looking straight ahead, avoiding Hanni’s gaze. "I think it’s best if we go our separate ways. I can’t keep going like this, not this way. And you don’t deserve that."

Hanni tried to say something, but the words got stuck in her throat. She knew Yn was right. They couldn’t continue together. The love they shared no longer existed, at least not in the way it had before. The art that once brought them together had now separated them in an irreparable way.

"It’s okay," Hanni finally said, her voice heavy with sadness. "I hope you know that I love you, Yn. I’ll always love you. But we can’t keep doing this."

They both fell silent, as the soft evening breeze caressed their faces. And in that moment, though there was pain, there was also a sense of acceptance.

The Void After the End

After that conversation, everything changed in the blink of an eye. Hanni's life was altered in a way she hadn’t anticipated. Though she knew the relationship was over, the pain of the loss kept her restless. For weeks, she fell into a kind of emotional trance. The university hallways, once so vibrant, now felt empty. The city, which she used to explore with Yn on endless walks, enveloped her in a heavy silence, an echo of what once was.

The first few weeks after the breakup were the hardest. The routine she had built with Yn, the little habits and moments they shared, now felt like lost pieces of a puzzle that could never be put back together. Hanni walked through the campus, feeling Yn's absence in every corner. Sometimes, in the art faculty hallway, she’d see the sketchbook Yn had left on some table, and the urge to take it and smell it, as a fleeting memory, would fill her with nostalgia.

But at the same time, she felt frustrated. She didn’t know how to cope with the mix of love and resentment flooding her. She remembered the days when Yn stood by her side, when everything seemed so simple, when the love between them flowed effortlessly. Now everything was different. Yn wasn’t there, and Hanni couldn’t tell if the pain was from losing the girl she loved or from the fact that her love had no longer been needed enough to save it.

On the other hand, Yn didn’t seem to be doing better. Though she never admitted it directly, Hanni noticed through social media and comments from mutual friends that she had thrown herself even more into her work. There were days when Hanni saw photos of Yn at art galleries, smiling with other people, or posting new illustrations and projects. She couldn’t help but wonder if she had been replaced so quickly, or if she had simply stopped needing her in her life. That thought hurt more than she was willing to admit.

The Unintentional Distance

Over the months following the breakup, Hanni tried to move on. She focused on her studies, her art, and her friends. There was something ironic about it all: Yn had been the one who inspired her the most, and now, after her departure, Hanni found herself immersing deeper into her own work. With every brushstroke, with every project, she sought something that would restore the purpose she had lost. But the truth was, even though art kept her busy, there was always something inside her that felt empty.

Little by little, Hanni began to distance herself from everything she had shared with Her. Somehow, it was the only way she could stop longing for what no longer was. She stopped attending art exhibitions, stopped frequenting the cafes they used to visit. She avoided places that could remind her of Yn, even though that also meant avoiding the small moments they had shared, and that tore her apart.

At first, Yn tried to contact her. Occasional messages, an invitation to meet and "talk," but Hanni always found excuses. There was a part of her that knew seeing her again, with her distant smile and the attitude that no longer felt the same, would only reopen old wounds. In the end, those conversations became fewer and fewer, until they disappeared altogether. Yn had stopped fighting for the relationship, and Hanni, though she still loved her, couldn’t stay in the same place. She didn’t want to be trapped in something that no longer had a future.

However, what hurt the most wasn’t the breakup itself, but the fact that neither of them seemed to have the right answers to heal what had been broken. They had been two souls that met at just the right moment, and now, they had irreparably lost each other, without a clear reason, without a final explanation. Everything had been left in a dark corner of her heart, a place where love and pain coexisted in silence.

Reappearing in the Memories

Time passed, and with it, Hanni began to find some peace, though sometimes the shadows of the past caught up with her. For another semester, they both walked separate paths, as if they had never known each other. Life went on, but Hanni couldn't help but wonder, at times, if things could have been different.

One day, a year after the breakup, while walking through campus, Hanni realized that something had changed within her. It wasn’t a grand revelation or a monumental shift, but it was clear: she no longer felt the crushing pain that had once overwhelmed her. She had found a way to live without Yn, to be alone without feeling empty. Still, every time she saw something that reminded her of the girl with dark hair and deep eyes, her heart would race.

That same day, as the sun began to set, Hanni stopped in front of an art gallery. The exhibit currently on display was a collection of illustrations capturing human emotions, and to her surprise, most of the sketches were by Yn. A couple of images captured the most intense emotions, moments of overwhelming passion and love. Without thinking, Hanni entered the gallery.

As she walked among the works, she stopped in front of an illustration that made her take a deep breath. It was a portrait of two women embracing, with sunlight gently falling on their faces. Though the details were delicate, what struck her most was the expression in the eyes of the figures. It was the representation of a deep connection, something Hanni had known, but now felt so distant.

Yn had captured in that drawing something Hanni still kept inside. In that moment, Hanni couldn’t help but feel that, although everything had changed, what they had shared was still there, suspended in time, immortalized in art.

With tears in her eyes, Hanni smiled, but in a sad way. Perhaps love never truly disappears. Perhaps, like art, it remains somewhere, forever. Even though she could no longer have Yn in her life, she knew that the memory of her would always be a part of her story, a chapter in her life that, though painful, was also beautiful.

The Future

It was a quiet day, one of those that seemed to drag on without purpose. Hanni decided to revisit an old habit: flipping through her art ideas book. She had abandoned it long ago, letting it gather dust on the shelf. When she opened it, searching for inspiration, a folded piece of paper slipped out and landed on the floor.

Her heart stopped for a moment as she recognized the handwriting. It was Yn's.

With trembling hands, she picked up the paper and unfolded it carefully. The letter was brief, but every word carried the weight of everything left unsaid.

“Hanni:

I’m sorry for not being what you needed. I always felt small compared to everything you were: strong, determined, consistent. But that made me forget that you were human too, that you also needed someone to hold you up.

I love you more than I’ll ever be able to say. But love shouldn’t be a burden, and I feel like I let you carry all the weight. I need time to find myself, to understand who I am outside of this. I hope that someday you can forgive me.

Always, Yn”

Hanni sat on the edge of her bed, holding the letter in her hands, her mind replaying every moment they had shared. Suddenly, everything she thought she had moved past resurfaced: the sweetness, the pain, the goodbye.

That Yn had hidden the letter in her art ideas book was no coincidence. That notebook had been an extension of her heart, the place where she stored her dreams, fears, and now, the words Yn could never say to her in person.

Hanni closed the book carefully, tucking the letter back between its pages—not to forget, but to remember more gently. Yn had been a part of her life, her art, her story. And while the love they shared no longer existed in the present, it still lived on in the sketches, the ideas, and now, in those hidden words.

Over time, Hanni stopped searching for answers to what had happened. She understood that sometimes love has no logical explanation or a happy ending, but it is still valid. Yn had been an essential part of her life, and she always would be, but Hanni also learned to walk her own path.

Thus, as the years passed, while Hanni continued with her art and her own dreams, she allowed the memory of Yn to slowly fade, like a piece of art that fades with time. Sometimes, on quiet days, she found herself thinking about what could have been, but she no longer lingered on it. She had learned to value what she had, what was real, even if brief, and to move forward with her heart open to whatever the future might bring.

And as an apology, Yn made an art gallery for Hanni.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

In this whole HnM saga Harry's psychology is more interesting to me than Meghan's.

She can be possibly explained as someone who has an over exaggerated sense of self-importance and wants more and more of everything she sees as above and beyond her reach. She is obsessed with how she is perceived, what others think of her. This is very obvious from some of her favourite words and phrases - "seeing through the lense of xyz", "bespoke" "curated through the lense of.." etc etc. She wants to be what someone will like, revere, aspire to be and hence she is fixated on the PR angle of everything from day1. As opposed to showing or sharing what she truly is and using that to build her brand (which any long-term successful pr strategy usually is based on)

Harry on the other hand ... !!

I think it's his paranoia, ego, insecurity and resentment that set the ball rolling on the clusterfuck that is megxit.

Some anons pointed out that William and Harry both did silly stupid kid things growing up but Harry was used as a scape goat while William was protected. I'd argue that whatever Harry did WAS indeed so stupid, so odd that it had to be reported while Williams behavior was more in step with normal teenage behavior, so it wasn't noteworthy enough (as compared to Harry or other royals)

I've read a lot of books on Diana - Ken wharf, sally bedel smith, lady c, Wendy berry, jepson. (I revisited them again when youtuber Vintage book reads did book reviews for these and realised I had read these).

A common theme that emerges from these is that William and Diana were more like a bunch of naughty children in cahoots than a traditional mother-child relationship. They did everything together, spent a lot of quality time, laughed, created mischief, watched tv, visited friends together etc. William was there for nearly all of Diana's major life moments and was an active witness to everything she went through - good, bad and crazy. She talked to him, she shared with him, she considered him to be a whole, independent person rather than just a little boy of 6, 8,10,12 or 15 years. She gave him a lot of importance.

Maybe because he came along when she was just about 20 and they sort of grew up together, but their bond was tight. They knew eachother as humans. He also, at a very young age, had an authoritative say in her life. His approval or disapproval mattered to her a great deal. She was utterly dependant on him emotionally.

From a psychology point of view we could argue that William was a proxy for Charles, her father, her mother and she had a dependent personality disorder with William as a surrogate for whatever she wanted emotionally that she couldn't demand from others. He being a child gave to her freely, uninhibitedly.

Harry on the hand came along much later so she was a more distant mother to him (because parenting was different in royal circles in the 80s than it is for us regular folks). His parents couldn't stand eachother, so he rarely saw them interacting lovingly or functioning as a unit. Probably why he doesn't understand how healthy relationships look, or why he was jealous of Catherine or the Wales kids. But he saw how Diana+William functioned. How cohesive they were. He was just a witness while those two were a unit.

And so he developed a more attention seeking personality to get his mother's attention (and in turn Williams). If William was on his side, so was his mother (that's a childs way of thinking).

If he wanted his mother, then William came as a package deal (because of the dynamics of Diana William relationship)

Her attention was never exclusive. Whatever she gave to Harry, William would have it too, or he would he would have it first or he would have more. (In terms of emotionality associated with her time or their quality time).

Now, he couldn't control that. But later in life when he saw (or thought he saw) the same dynamic in his royal life - The sausages, the bigger room, the quality time with granny, the army honours, the close friends, the wife, the kids, the bigger homes etc - that's when he could do something. If nothing, just pointing out that this disparity exists is a huge deal for an insecure, resentful person. The problem is t even the things that William gets, because those things are secondary. The problem become William who is the person who got those things. (Talk about unconscious bias, eh!)

In reality the age gap between the boys was barely 2 years. Outside of their little bubble with mum there wasn't much difference between the 2 brothers. They went everywhere together, they got everything together, they had the same friend circle, same likes and dislikes, same schools, same everything as kids. Mainly because of the kind of relationship their parents had they always had to either be with their mum or with their dad. Not much alone quality time without the other brother because the dynamics of the separation and their lifestyle meant the brothers were always grouped together.

Yet within that, William got quality as well as quantity, or that's how Harry the spectator saw it as. When it came to mum, William got more while Harry was just looking on.

In all the books I've mentioned above, it's always William who Diana chooses to do something with, they have some mischievous secret while Harry is barely mentioned, and usually as an afterthought. They got their tv dinners and tea parties and confidences and arguments, while Harry just took in that experience as a spectator. Like watching a movie as opposed to living in it.

He was happy as long as he got any attention. Whether it's Diana, Charles or the staff. So he goes alone and does his own thing mostly. He is indulged as any curious child is, but when he, he thinks that's extra attention. So in his mind he then becomes more important than William. So the child Harry thinks he alone knows he is better than William, no one else does, and that is his little secret.

Later after she died, they kids were teenagers. Their anchor had gone. But they were naturally at the point in life where they experiment and have new experiences. It's normal for teens to be angsty, angry, rebels, defy authority, try alcohol, sneak off, party etc.

But the problem was that Harry was doing that for attention. He was pulling away. His resentment against his brother was probably unconsciously growing but he didn't know that yet (still does not). As a kid he wondered why William got more of Diana and more of a respect that he did when they were the same. And as a teen he was angry why William, now without Diana the anchor, wasn't with him as much. He couldn't make friends or the ones that were appropriate. And the group he was in was always getting in trouble with drinks, drugs and idiotic shenaigans.

Nobody had ever told him what to do, he always just went along. And as a teen when he was expected to follow rules he couldn't understand the concept.

He was rudderless, clueless, aimless. Smoking at school, doing weed relentlessly, endlessly, binge drinking, bullying others, bullying his PPOs they are all bad things. It was abnormal behaviour. And as much as Harry likes to say "William did it too", he did not. William was not stumbling into sixth form drunk off of his arse. William wasn't doing drugs and shagging staff behind the pub, William was streaking naked through the house during his father's birthday. William wasn't making fun of other pupils. William wasn't stumbling out of pubs at age 15,16,18 and vomitting on passers by. Harry was.

Ad hominen fallacy is Harry's favorite defence mechanism. Doesn't make it acceptable, logical or necessarily true.

William on the hand seems to have gained some maturity and insights into human behaviors watching his mom and others who mingled with her. He was there after all, his opinions were caught, he probably thought he was the only one who could actually save her from herself and others trying to manipulate her.

He probably learnt early on that adults arnt always right, good or know everything because he had to think on his own. His sense of self from a very young age was acknowledged and respected so he later learnt to differentiate between confidence and ego (mainly because he had to, he was also alone without his anchor person). He had to become a person and find an identity that was away from his predestined path of becoming king one day.

He fought hard and was belligerent also (as per many courtiers) but I think that's because he also struggled a lot coming to terms with the path that was set for him since before birth. He didn't choose his life, he was born in this, so he tried to make it as much his own thing as he could. Which we see in how he operates today, how and how much he works, his choice in where they live, how he deals with his team, where he lives, how he keeps his family away from the toxicity, his relationship with the middltons etc.

Harry and William have both struggled and gone through some horrible life situations which needed them to grow up fast and choose a life path.

They chose the exact opposite.

Harry's jealousy stems from his childhood issue of seeing William being better adjusted with what he got versus he, Harry, having to begrudgingly, asked to be content.

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Walking back to the school, Dustin noticed Steve and Eddie were holding hands. Will cursed inwardly, and he hoped that Dustin wouldn't say anything. He figured that they weren't quite ready to say anything yet, but why were they holding hands so publicly? Maybe they thought they were being discreet.

"That makes sense," Dustin said.

"What does?" Will asked.

"Safety in numbers, and it doesn't hurt to make sure we don't get separated," Dustin said as he took Will's hand. "Makes sense, doesn't it?"

Dustin smiled at him. He always appreciated Dustin's smile. It was always so innocent and, at the same time, mischievous. It was also full of warmth. His dark blue eyes also held the same, and it always seemed to twinkle, too. Will always loved the way they seemed to almost disappear when he smiled. Will swallowed. When did Dustin get so cute? Or maybe the better question would be, why didn't Will really notice until now? Oh, yeah. Mike. Will blushed. He had spent so long being in love with him, and he hadn't stopped to think about the possibility of anyone else.

"Yeah, I guess it makes sense," Will said and intertwined their hands.

Dustin went quiet for a minute, staring straight a head before groaning.

"I was hoping that you'd call me on my bullshit, Will," Dustin said.

"What are you talking about?" Will asked.

"I just wanted to hold your hand, and I was looking for any excuse to do it," Dustin said. "I don't know why Steve and Eddie are holding hands."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Will asked.

"I don't know," Dustin said, blushing. "I wanted to be honest with you, but I got nervous."

"You, Dustin Henderson? You're never afraid of saying what's on your mind," Will said.

"Hey, I get scared. . .it's just that my mouth runs faster than my brain," Dustin said. "My mouth has a mind of its own, okay?!"

"Dustin, why do you want to hold my hand?" Will asked softly.

"I don't know, I already said that. I think that I have always been jealous of how close you and Mike are, how close you want to be with Mike. It doesn't make sense, though, because I know that I'm closer to Lucas than you are, and it doesn't bother me!" Dustin exclaimed.

"Dustin," Will said softly and stopped, taking his other hand.

"I think maybe it's because you always found all my inventions interesting. . .I mean, actually interested. You always wanted to hear more about them, and I just wanted you to keep looking at me like that. . .the way you look when I talk about them. This past year, all I wanted to do was talk to you about it, about them all and the science fair. . .even though I knew it wasn't possible, I kept imagining your face in the crowd and somehow that you'd find your way there. When Suzie broke up with me, I wanted you to be the first to know. I knew you would be the one to make me feel better. I can't explain it," Dustin sighed. "I think I just really missed you this year."

"Dustin," Will said. "I could guess, although I might be wrong about this. . .I generally am wrong about these things. . .can I - can I show you why you might be feeling this way?"

"Sure," Dustin said in confusion.

Still holding both of Dustin's hands in his, Will bent down and kissed him. Dustin made a small gasping noise against Will's lips. He didn't pull away, however. In fact, he pressed his lips a little harder against Will's with an eagerness that he was trying to contain. Will found that he very much liked kissing Dustin, liked the way his lips felt against his. Dustin growled into his mouth, and Will jumped, pulling away with a laugh.

"Dustin!" Will exclaimed.

"Hey! You started this," Dustin said. "You knew what might happen."

"You were the one who wanted to hold my hand!" Will laughed. "It surprised me, that's all. It was a nice surprise, though."

"Shit. . .it all makes sense. I can't believe that I've never seen it before," Dustin frowned.

"We lie more to ourselves than anyone else," Will said.

"There's a reason why your name is Will the Wise," Dustin beamed. "Does this mean - that you - ?"

"I'm definitely starting to move my eyes towards you," Will grinned and paused. "And it's not a big deal for you. . .that you like a guy?"

"You know, I don't think I care very much that you're a guy. I don't think I ever cared that Suzie was a girl. I hardly even noticed, I just. . .I think I liked that you're both so. . .sweet," Dustin said. "And you care. You both have heart, and I think that's what I've always cared about. Honestly, when I had a crush on Max, I just thought, well, I'm a boy, and she's a girl. . .that's just how it's supposed to be, right? After Max, I think I just opened myself up to the possibility of just falling for anyone, but I don't think my mind really factored that it meant guys as well."

"It's always been just guys for me, particularly one guy, but I'm starting to be aware of others, too," Will blushed.

"So, our hearts are still freshly wounded. . .maybe together, we'll help them heal faster," Dustin said.

Will beamed and took Dustin's hand as they continued to move. Steve and Eddie had walked further ahead of them, but they managed to catch up.

"It's really not fair how much taller you've gotten, Byers," Dustin explained. "You know, there was a time that I was taller than you."

"Please, you love it," Will teased.

"Maybe I do," Dustin said. "Maybe I don't."

Once they reached Steve and Eddie, the four walked into the empty entrance to the gym.

"Were you guys holding hands?" Steve asked.

"Yeah," Dustin said. "We were holding hands for the same reason that you were. We didn't want to get lost."

Steve and Eddie shared an amused smile before turning to them.

"That's not why we were holding hands," Steve said. "Although, Eddie does tend to wander off. . ."

"We're dating!" Eddie exclaimed rather cheerfully.

"Oh," Dustin said and beamed, sharing a look with Will. "That's funny. We are, too!"

"Shut up, that's not funny. We're being serious," Steve said.

"So, are we!" Will exclaimed.

"Seriously?!" Steve and Eddie exclaimed.

"Yeah," Dustin said.

"That's great, I didn't know you liked guys," Steve said.

"I didn't know that either of you liked guys, or I would have tried to set you two up a long time ago," Dustin said.

"Well, we didn't exactly know either," Steve blushed.

"We figured it out the hard way," Eddie said, slapping Steve on the back.

"I was always open to falling for anyone anyway, but it took Will kissing me to realize that I had been crushing on him for a while and that it also meant guys for me, too," Dustin said.

"It's just guys for me," Will shrugged.

"Both for us," Steve replied.

"Well, this is just great," Will beamed. "I always thought I was alone."

Will could feel Dustin smiling at him, and he turned to him, smiling as well. Will had opened his mouth when Dustin gasped.

"Does your mom and Jonathan know about you?" Dustin asked.

"Yeah, they're fine with it," Will replied and raised an eyebrow at him.

"I just realized that I'm going to have to figure out a way to get them to like me," Dustin said.

"What?! They already like you!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah, but I'm your boyfriend now, William, and the family never likes the boyfriend!" Dustin yelled. "I've got to prove to them that I'm not going to hurt you!"

"You've got nothing to prove!" Will laughed. "You're being ridiculous!"

"I need to come up with a plan!" Dustin exclaimed and started to run off.

"In the middle of an apocalypse?! Aren't there more important things to do?!" Will asked.

"No!"

Steve clapped his hand on Will's shoulder.

"He means well," Steve laughed.

"He's lucky he's cute," Will said in amusement. "Why is he so scared of them? Didn't Dustin kill a man? What's he got to be worried about?"

"Yeah, I think he's just excited," Steve said.

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about Eddie," he said.

"Not about that, anyway," Steve said.

Suddenly, Eddie gasped, grasping Steve’s shoulder.

"The kid is right, Steve. I have to win Robin over," Eddie said.

"What?! She already likes you! You've won her over!" Steve yelled.

"Not as her platonic soulmate's boyfriend, Steven!" Eddie shrieked. "I'm going to see if Dustin needs help."

Will laughed and clapped Steve on the back as Eddie ran off.

"Let's get some hot cocoa and talk about how adorably idiotic our boyfriends are," Will said.

"I just know that Robin's going to make Eddie jump through hoops just to fuck with him," Steve said.

"Luckily, my brother isn't that cruel," Will said. "Hopper, on the other hand. . ."

Will glanced over at Mike talking to Lucas, and he found that for the first time ever, it was easier to breathe when he looked at him.

[chemicallywrit]

What? Huh? An Audio Drama Sunday post?? Amazing!!

🙂 Small Victories came back this week with a bonus episode from our girl Nina! Who's also! Having a time! Oh my gosh, Nina's rich inner life is a great contrast to Marisol's, where Marisol is the star of her own show, Nina needs an interviewer to wrestle her feelings into a shape she can process. I think it's interesting, because if anything, Marisol is a total hardass toward herself, bluster hiding some deep hurt and insecurity, and Nina is almost too gentle. I freakin love the way this show does characters.

💎 Sherlock & Co. is amazing, guys, have I talked about it lately? This series they're adapting right now is the Sign of Four, and...woof, guys. Woof. Just a friendly reminder that if your heart longs for Sherlock But Good, please listen to Sherlock & Co.

🚁 Josie’s Lonely Hearts Club presents: a ridiculous Thanksgiving special that had me ROLLING. They break format technically, but instead of callers asking for advice, it's Frank's unhinged family with all the usual improv skill. I think the actors must have spent a little time asking themselves, "What's the worst possible rich person thing I can come up with?" And you know, the show had me worried, because this could have gone so wrong, so I appreciate that this sitcom keeps its stakes low.

⛪️ As usual, Hello from the Hallowoods breaks my heart. I love when Mx. Wellman breaks format to do something absolutely devastating. In this case, the horror of Christian theology gone mutant and consuming to a man who was a boy who hid his culture from the world and his sexuality from the powerful--like it doesn't GET any more poignant than that!

🗡️ I started listening to Carcerem recently, which is one of those sleeper hits that started in 2020 and I'm obsessed. It's a high fantasy and it's absolutely gorgeous--straight up it's the only time I've fully understood an action scene with no dialogue. It's MASTERFUL.

There are more great shows this week but plenty of folks have talked about them already--c'mon Fawx & Stallion and Kingmaker Histories and Welcome to Night Vale and on and on. Guys, I love audio drama.

[hellsitedotcom]

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*·˚ PRETEND IT'S THE FIRST TIME ft. Moze *·˚

words: ~4k

This is a "continuation" of those First Kiss headcanons I made a while ago! [Linked in my pinned post] I literally lost my mind with this, and I'm unsure how I feel about it, but I've spent too long on it to just...not post it. [Also on AO3]

warnings/info: first part of the chapter features Guinaifen as your friend; I don't think any warnings necessary? maybe some angst, but I don't want what really qualifies as angst. [Is it obvious that I never post my writing and have no idea how to tag it?]

English isn't my native language!

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

‘’Hello? Are you even listening to me?’’ 

Torn from your thoughts when someone suddenly started waving a hand in front of your face, you blinked in surprise before glancing over at the woman walking beside you, her expression a mixture of frustration and confusion. ‘’I feel like I’ve been talking to myself for the last hour,’’ Guinaifen huffed, crossing her arms while waiting for an explanation from you, ‘’Did you even catch any of the things I said?’’

‘’I’m sorry, Gui,’’ you sighed, offering her an apologetic smile before straightening up, ‘’I was just…thinking about something.’’ That was one way to explain it. You had been thinking about said ‘’something’’ for the past couple of days, and it had become apparent to anyone with a functioning pair of eyes. Even your colleagues at work had commented on your absentmindedness, given how clumsy and forgetful it had made you since…that day.

Next to you, Guinaifen shook her head, though there was no ill-intend in her reaction, ‘’I’ve noticed that much. I’m telling you, you need to work less. The stress is probably just getting to you.’’ ‘’When I picked you up this morning, I had your neighbors come up to me to ask if you were okay,’’ she sighed, staring at you, ‘’He said you haven’t left your apartment for anything but work in days. What’s going on?’’

You weren’t sure yourself, you thought. Since your transfer to the Yaoqing, your life had actually improved tremendously. You couldn’t remember the last time you were that excited and happy on the Luofu, and you hadn’t mourned your old life since. Yet recently, you felt like you were again stuck in that same everyday routine you had dreamed of escaping from back on the other flagship. And all because of one dumb, intrusive decision.

‘’I don’t know,’’ you sighed, hoping your friend wouldn’t catch the lie, ‘’It’s not work, I promise. I’ve never had a job I loved that much.’’ ‘’Maybe my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something,’’ you suggested, shrugging, ‘’I mean, it’s been a while since I was on the Luofu. Maybe I’m homesick without realizing it.’’ 

At that, the woman beside you just chuckled, throwing an arm around you to pull you into a side hug, ‘’Well, see what happens when you never visit! Huohuo and the others miss you.’’ Much to your relief, Guinaifen didn’t notice the lie, or at least, she didn’t call you out if she did. Instead, she began recalling recent stories from the Luofu as if trying to help your alleged ‘’homesickness’’. 

‘’You know, I’m sure even the General would appreciate seeing you again,’’ she hummed as you made your way back to your apartment, ‘’Actually, I was hoping to drag Sushang and Huohuo along with me, but that didn’t really work out. That’s on me, though. I should’ve planned it better.’’ 

You chuckled as you continued listening to her, this time determined not to get distracted again as you watched her. Something about the woman’s optimism and endless energy helped lift your mood, silencing the overbearing thoughts in your head, though another emotion threatened to plague you now: Guilt. Keeping secrets from your close friends was never easy, but how were you supposed to explain to her what had happened? 

By the time you arrived at the alley leading to your apartment, you felt lighter, the best you had in days. ‘’Anyway, I’m sure Sushang will want to tell you herself,’’ Guinaifen huffed, stepping in front of you, ‘’You really need to visit us soon. We need to get the group back together again! And don’t tell me Feixiao won’t let you leave!’’

‘’Well, I’ve not really talked to her in a while,’’ you admitted sheepishly, avoiding your friend’s eyes. ‘’But,’’ you quickly added, hoping to distract from that topic, ‘’I’ll see what I can do, okay? I can’t promise you anything, though.’’

You breathed a sigh of relief when the woman didn't question your words, merely rolling her eyes before she continued talking about yet another thing on her mind. Watching her head toward your apartment, you hesitated to follow when the sudden feeling of being watched made your skin crawl. Is someone there?

A glance over your shoulder toward the empty street behind you didn’t help calm your nerves, yet before you could look around any further, Guinaifen’s voice called out to you, ‘’And you’re not paying attention again. Seriously, what’s going on with you?’’

There it was again, that guilt plaguing you. You checked the street behind you one last time before walking over to your friend, an apologetic expression on your face. ‘’I’m sorry,’’ you sighed, fiddling with your hands, ‘’I just- had this feeling someone was watching us. I didn’t mean to ignore you.’’

‘’Why would someone be watching us?’’ the woman huffed with a raised brow, ‘’Besides, even if someone was watching us, why care? It’s not like we’re breaking any rules.’’ ‘’Are you sure that everything’s alright?’’ she insisted, her usually relaxed expression now serious. 

‘’No- I mean, yes, I- Fuck,’’ you just groaned, dragging your hands down your face, ‘’I don’t know. I’m not even sure how to explain it. It’s ridiculous, really.’’ Before she could ask any further questions, you pushed past her toward your home, ‘’It’s really not that important. I just made a dumb mistake, and it’s kind of been haunting me ever since.’’

Guinaifen was far from convinced as she caught up to you, blocking your way, ‘’Oh, come on now! I’ve seen you make dozens of mistakes before. You never act this way because of a stupid mistake! Spill it, what happened?’’ 

‘’I made a mistake in a conversation,’’ you tensely elaborated, wrapping your arms around yourself, ‘’I…said the wrong thing, and I’ve not had the chance to fix it yet. H- They’ve been avoiding me since then, I guess.’’ Or maybe you’ve been avoiding him, no? Suddenly, the feeling of being watched made you even more nervous. Was he watching you?

Your friend perked up at your response, her interest piqued, ‘’What do you mean, you said the wrong thing? How bad of a thing could you have possibly said?’’ Oh, guilt was a beautiful feeling, wasn’t it? Especially with how strong it was growing the more you talked to Guinaifen. 

‘’Well,’’ you struggled to find an answer, unsure how to continue building on your lie as your face turned red, ‘’I- urgh, fuck. I didn’t really say something wrong, you know. I…did something wrong? I made a dumb, intrusive decision-’’

‘’Oh my god,’’ the woman interrupted, her eyes wide, ‘’You kissed someone.’’ 

‘’How did you deduce that from one sentence?’’

‘’...I didn’t. I just thought it would be a funny reaction,’’ Guinaifen smirked, winking at you before the realization settled in, ‘’Wait, you kissed someone?! Who?!’’

‘’Keep your voice down!’’ you whisper-yelled, covering her mouth with your hand, ‘’Fucks sake, Gui. I don’t need the entire Yaoqing to know about it!’’ After making sure she wouldn’t start screaming again, you took a step back and sighed, ‘’He’s a good friend. We were…hanging out, I guess, and I got caught up in the moment and had this intrusive thought to just…yeah, and now I’ve not seen him since then.’’

‘’Oh. Oh wow,’’ the woman seemed at a loss for words, processing the information you just shared, ‘’I mean, uhm. Well, have you tried texting him?’’ 

‘’Seriously?’’ ‘’What?’’ she huffed defensively, pouting, ‘’I’ve never had that happen to me. I’m a little lost right now, okay?’’

‘’Well, you’re not the only one,’’ you muttered under your breath, walking toward your apartment door, ‘’I was hoping that maybe he told Feixiao about it, but she doesn’t seem to know anything. Jiaoqiu’s been acting like he knows something, but- yeah.’’ 

At that, Guinaifen’s mouth fell open, ‘’Wait. I need you to repeat what you just said.’’ Yet, before you could, the woman herself did it, ‘’You were hoping that he told Feixiao? As in, the General? You kissed the General’s friend?!’’

‘’Technically, he’s her personal Shadow Guard,’’ you admitted under your breath, wincing when Guinaifen screamed.

‘’What?!’’ 

‘’I told you to keep your voice down!’’

‘’How do you expect me to keep my voice down after telling me all this?!’’ she whisper-yelled, flailing her hands, ‘’You just- You kissed the General’s personal Shadow Guard?!’’

Well, at least you didn’t feel guilty anymore. You held your hand up to stop the woman from rambling, taking a deep breath before answering, ‘’Can we do this tomorrow, please? I promise I’ll tell you everything, okay? But right now, I’m just getting tired.’’

Despite not being satisfied with your answer, Guinaifen agreed with a deflated groan, ‘’Alright, fine. But I get to tell Sushang and the others-’’

‘’Absolutely not,’’ you scoffed with a raised brow, a warning in your eyes, ‘’I don’t need the entire Xianzhou Alliance to know about this, okay? I’m serious, Gui.’’ ‘’I need you to promise me that you won’t be talking about it with anyone, okay?’’ you insisted, internally already expecting the worst.

But, to your surprise, the woman nodded slowly, ‘’Alright, alright, you have my word. Only because I love you so much!’’ ‘’But that means you’ll have to tell me everything tomorrow, alright?’’ she countered, walking up to you, ‘’I need all the details, understood?’’

‘’Understood,’’ you sighed, struggling to hide your nervousness as you embraced her, ‘’Come on, you should get back to your hotel room. It’s getting late.’’ 

‘’I’ll see you tomorrow then?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ you muttered, a hand resting on your apartment’s doorknob, ‘’See you tomorrow, sunshine.’’ With that, you watched her disappear down the alley before unlocking your front door and slipping inside your apartment.

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

‘’Fuck,’’ you groaned, falling back against the wooden door. Well, today didn’t go quite as planned, did it? But then, did any of your recent days? After everything, today was still one of your better days since screwing up your relationship with-

‘’Moze? ’’ 

A little stunned, you blinked, hoping you were just imagining things. Yet, when the man’s silhouette didn’t disappear from your doorway, a nervous chuckle escaped your lips, ‘’What are you doing here? How did you even get inside in the first place?’’ 

‘’Through your balcony door,’’ the man calmly replied, watching you from the shadows of the hallway, ‘’You forgot to lock it.’’

‘’I- And you just decided to let yourself in?’’ you muttered in disbelief, straightening up as you made your way toward him, ‘’How long have you been waiting for me?’’ In the dim light, you could barely make out anything but his eyes, violet orbs watching your every move. 

The man just stood there, seemingly indifferent to the fact that he just trespassed on your property. ‘’Not that long,’’ he just replied, his expression obscured by shadows, ‘’Feixiao told me that you had visitors, so I figured you’d be home somewhat late. I think we got here around the same time.’’

‘’Well, that’s- okay,’’ you sighed before shaking your head and meeting his gaze again, ‘’Listen, I- Can you just give me a minute real quick? I need some water.’’ Today really feels like one big joke, you thought to yourself while pushing past him, careful not to touch him as you headed toward the kitchen, ‘’Do you want anything?’’

The man soundlessly followed after you, his presence unfortunately doing the opposite of offering you comfort, ‘’No, thank you. I don’t want to inconvenience you even further.’’ ‘’And I apologize for not informing you of my visit,’’ he muttered almost hesitantly, leaning against your kitchen wall, ‘’I didn't think of it. I’m sorry.’’

‘’Don’t rack your brains over it,’’ you dismissed his concern, pouring yourself a cup of water, ‘’I mean, I haven’t cleaned the place in days, but you'll have to deal with that now.’’ ‘’Besides,’’ you hummed, taking a sip of water, ‘’I’m sure you’ll gladly help me clean up if I ask nicely enough, no?’’ Is this really the right time for some lighthearted joking? Well, you certainly hoped it would at least ease the awkwardness.

Moze, bless his soul, just furrowed his brows, meeting your gaze, ‘’If you need me to, I can help. I don’t mind.’’ 

‘’Is that why you’re here?’’ you hesitantly asked, turning to face him, ‘’Just for some small talk? I mean, I do appreciate the visit, but it doesn’t usually warrant you breaking into my home.’’ There was a part of you genuinely hoping he’d just share some random information with you before leaving again, but deep down, you knew where this conversation would eventually lead. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have practically avoided each other for the past few days.

And, as expected, Moze confirmed your suspicion. ‘’No, I was hoping we could talk about what happened,’’ he explained, your nervosity growing with each word, ‘’Jiaoqiu thought it might be the best course of action.’’

‘’So, he knows?’’ you hesitantly inquired, tapping your finger on the kitchen counter, ‘’I mean, that we- that I- fuck, Moze, I’m so bloody sorry.’’ You stepped away from the counter, wrapping your arms around yourself as the words uncontrollably spilled from your lips, ‘’I should’ve apologized a lot earlier, I know, but I was just- bloody scared of your reaction.’’

‘’I shouldn’t have kissed you,’’ you sighed, unable to meet his gaze, ‘’I- I’m sorry I made things awkward. I wasn’t thinking, I just-’’ ‘’I should’ve said something first anyway, instead of just- doing it without warning,’’ you continued, waving your hand around, ‘’I don’t know why I did it, okay? I just- fuck.’’

The man merely watched you, waiting for you to finish before gently interrupting your rambling, ‘’I’m not angry.’’ ‘’Not to mention that I didn’t act any better,’’ he reminded you, making you stop in your tracks, ‘’I just left you on that rooftop without saying a word. Jiaoqiu chewed me out for it.’’

‘’I mean, I kissed you without your consent,’’ you muttered, your hands dropping to your sides, ‘’You had every right to just…up and leave. You’re not at any fault here.’’

‘’Well, Jiaoqiu thinks differently,’’ Moze spoke, pushing himself off the wall, ‘’He said I should’ve talked to you sooner.’’ You watched him walk around the kitchen island, keeping a respectful distance from you, ‘’Though, he did call us both idiots.’’

You chuckled, though the sound more hysterical than you intended, ‘’He’s not wrong, is he? I mean- I did kind of fuck that up. I really should’ve just- said something instead of expecting you to do so. I’m sorry, I- suck at this stuff.’’ 

‘’I think we both know I’m not the best at conversations either,’’ he replied, and for a split-second, you thought you caught him smiling at you, ‘’Maybe we should let Jiaoqiu and your friend do this for us.’’

‘’Absolutely not, that’s a horrible idea,’’ you interrupted, the thought alone making you opposed to the idea, ‘’I’d never hear the end of it.’’ ‘’Do you, uh, think Jiaoqiu told Feixiao?’’ you wondered, glancing over at him, ‘’I mean, I doubt he would do it, but you know him better than I do.’’

Moze was quiet for a moment, allowing you to move a little closer to him, ‘’Admittedly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did tell the General, but I trust him enough not to until this is all over. You don’t need to worry about that.’’ 

‘’Oh, I’ll worry regardless,’’ you sighed, rubbing your temples, ‘’I’ve realized I’m really good at that. Worrying, overthinking, the whole thing.’’ ‘’I’ve had people at work come to me these past days to make sure I was alright,’’ there was a self-deprecating tone to your words as you recounted the past days, ‘’And earlier, Gui told me that some of my neighbors approached her to ask about my well-being. Worrying was the only thing I was doing since, you know.’’

In the dimly lit room, you couldn’t make out Moze’s expression as he watched you. Then, unexpectedly, he spoke with a gentleness you had never heard from him before, ‘’I didn’t know this was affecting you so much.’’

Your eyes widened at his words, tearing your gaze from the floor to meet his. For a second, a mixture of fear and uncertainty crossed your face before you collected yourself, clearing your throat, ‘’Well, I thought I screwed up after you just left.’’ Then, you looked away again, your voice more quiet, ‘’I guess I was terrified of losing you.’’

The silence that followed was unbearable to you, a throwback to those nerve-wracking minutes right after you had your first kiss. Internally, you were cursing yourself out, reprimanding yourself for being so open with Moze, but could you really blame yourself?

‘’Can you please say something?’’ you whispered hesitantly, wrapping your arms around yourself, nails digging into the skin of your upper arms, ‘’I’m getting a sense of déjà vu.’’ 

‘’I’m sorry,’’ the man apologized, the gentleness still there, ‘’I should’ve said something back then. I- I guess I panicked. I’ve never-’’ He fell silent before finishing the sentence, pulling his hood down to obscure his face. 

‘’I- I didn’t mean to put you in that position,’’ you quietly muttered, the grip on your arms weakening, ‘’I don’t know why I- There were so many times before that where I was in perfect control of my thoughts and actions, but that day? I can’t even explain it.’’

‘’You wanted to kiss me before?’’ Maybe you should learn when to shut up, no? Moze was already staring at you when you looked up, a storm raging in his violet eyes. 

Hesitantly, you shrugged, taking a deep breath before elaborating, ‘’I guess I did. Do- Do you remember the last Wardance? When…Hoolay escaped.’’ After Moze nodded, you continued, ‘’After everything was over, after I finally found you, I just- yeah. I think that was the first time I wanted to kiss you.’’ 

There it was again: The unbearable silence. Maybe you really shouldn’t admit all these things so openly . But, catching you by surprise in the process, Moze didn’t let it stretch this time, his voice growing unsteadier with each word, ‘’Why didn’t you do it?’’

‘’I- I didn’t think it would’ve been the right moment for it,’’ you muttered with furrowed brows, gesturing around with your hand as if to emphasize your point, ‘’I mean, you were all injured, not to mention the entire Borisin crisis. I didn’t want to add to your problems.’’

‘’You’re never a problem to me,’’ the man replied, straightening up, ‘’I might not be the best at showing it, but I care about you deeply.’’ ‘’Otherwise, I wouldn’t have kissed you back that day, don't you think?’’ he added, his voice quieter.

For a moment, you thought your heart would jump out of your chest, the beating drowning out all the noise around you as you processed his words. He did kiss you back, didn’t he? ‘’I figured maybe you just- I don’t know, had a moment of weakness?’’ you rambled, growing more nervous again, ‘’I mean, I didn't- I know you kissed me back, but I didn’t think it meant anything, I guess.’’

‘’You…thought it didn’t mean anything?’’ ‘’I was panicking, okay!’’ you argued defensively, ‘’I mean, you just disappeared without a word after that, remember? How did you think I’d react?’’ 

Moze didn’t have an answer for that, watching you silently while you continued to ramble, ‘’I’m not blaming you, I swear. I just- there wasn’t really a positive way in which I could’ve reacted to the situation, you know? How would you have reacted if you had been in my shoes?’’

Once again, no answer. Admittedly, you wouldn’t have one either if you were in his shoes. Well, and that’s that on it being an awkward situation. ‘’I feel like I’m just making this worse, aren’t I?’’ you muttered, offering him a weak smile, ‘’I’m sorry. Again. I don’t think I can apologize enough for causing- well, all of this.’’

‘’Did the kiss mean something to you?’’

Moze’s interruption caught you off-guard, eyes widening in surprise. Well, you've already admitted to wanting to kiss him a handful of times before. Confessing your feelings can't possibly lead to a worse outcome, right? ...Right? Truth be told, you weren't really sure what outcome this entire conversation was heading toward anyway, so you might as well be completely honest with him now.

Still, it took you a moment to reply, afraid of being this vulnerable. ‘’I wouldn’t have kissed you if it didn’t,’’ you hesitantly admitted, looking away, ‘’I...care about you, Moze. A lot more than I probably should. More than normal friends should.’’

‘’I think I realized even before the Wardance, but I just- hoped it’ll go away,’’ you chuckled, the sound hollow, ‘’And when it didn’t, I just kept hoping. Which obviously failed, given, you know.’’

You weren’t sure what Moze was thinking, too scared to look at him. Another silence settled between you, making you feel restless as you waited for him to say something. Anything. Please just don’t leave this time.

And he didn’t. Instead, Moze stepped in front of you, tilting your face up to look at him, his violet eyes roaming across your face until he met your gaze, ‘’Can you- Can you kiss me again, please? Pretend it’s the first time?’’ 

His voice was surprisingly soft, barely audible over the sound of your own heartbeat. Did you get that right? ‘’You want me to kiss you?’’ you breathed out, a dozen questions running through your head as you stared at him, ‘’Are- Are you sure?’’

‘’I’ve never been this sure about anything else in my life,’’ the man muttered, caressing your cheek, ‘’I’ve noticed that I- felt different around you around the time you got transferred to the Yaoqing, but I didn’t think much of it until…well, recently. The realization didn't hit me until I talked to Jiaoqiu about it and he put it into words for me.’’

‘’Oh’’ 

‘’Is…that all you want to say?’’

‘’To be honest, I never thought I’d be in this situation,’’ you admitted, still processing what he had just told you, ‘’I- I can’t believe I was terrified of losing you like, ten minutes ago, and now we’re…here.’’

‘’That’s…a good thing, isn’t it?’’

‘’I think this a better outcome than I had imagined possible,’’ you huffed, straightening up, ‘’The only thing I need to worry about now is explaining everything to Guinaifen.’’ Then, still shaking from nervousness, you leaned forward, ghosting your lips over his, ‘’May I?’’

‘’...You may.’’

And you did, gently pressing your lips against his as if afraid all this was just your imagination, that he'd vanish the second you touched him. Yet, when his arm wrapped around your waist to pull you closer, you knew you weren’t dreaming. ‘’You’re…really okay with this, right?’’ you whispered between kisses, glancing up at him, ‘’I’m not just hearing what I want to hear?’’

Moze merely responded by pressing his lips to yours again, hand wandering to the back of your neck to deepen the kiss. ‘’You worry too much,’’ he eventually muttered before pressing his forehead against yours.

‘’It’s a talent,’’ you chuckled, slightly out of breath but audibly relieved, ‘’Besides, the only reason I was so worried in the first place were you.’’

‘’May I remind you that you were the one kissing me without warning?’’ ‘’Alright, alright-’’ you groaned, just barely containing your joy, ‘’I’ll never live this down, will I?’’

You freed yourself from Moze’s grasp, turning to head toward your bedroom before stopping and glancing back at him, hesitating, ‘’Do- Do you mind staying for the night? I don’t…want you to leave just yet.’’

‘’If that’s what you want, then of course,’’ the man reassured, ‘’Just don’t start complaining when I wake you up too early.’’

‘’Don’t make me regret this, big guy,’’ you chuckled, offering him your hand while you made your way toward the bedroom, ‘’Thank you, by the way, For…well, everything.’’

‘’Always.’’

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

[photoaria]

Aria watches as she sits on the edge of the bathtub, and she can't help the disappointment she feels and the way her heart clenches in her chest. She pulls the towel tighter around her, and while Autumn is processing and thinking things through - she stands and walks just out of view to towel dry her hair a bit and slip on some loose pajama pants and a tank top.

By the time she finishes, Autumn's walked out of the bathroom and Aria's giving her hair another once over. She's got some clothes out for her, too, in case she wants it - as another layer of armor.

She pauses in getting it, though, and just stares at Autumn for a moment, trying to figure out what she wants to say to her question. She's smart enough to figure out some things on her own, and Aria gives her a shy, shaky smile before it falls again just as quickly.

"I wanted my girlfriend to know the whole truth." She shakes her head and moves back to the bed, tucking one leg underneath her when she sits. "I've spent the last month or so since the masquerade stressing the fuck out about you and us and.. this." She gestures to herself.

"I have this -" Is he a friend? "- person I talk to sometimes. And I asked him for advice. He got in my head about leaving you alone to protect you." She chews on her lower lip. "I wanted you to be able to make that choice for yourself. And I know that's hypocritical considering.."

She leans over to her end table, opens the drawer and careful pulls out a small black cardboard box and opens it for her. She'd made the mistake of touching the locket and burnt the skin off of her fingertips, so she's not going to be repeating that now. "There's verbena in that. It'll prevent me - or anyone else - from being able to make you forget, so long as it's on you."

Hopefully she's not overstepping, over speaking, overdoing. The locket sits on her end table, and her fingers twist together in her lap while her gaze is locked firmly on the floor.

Autumn stays in the bathroom, sits on the edge of Aria's bath-tub, and her thoughts are still racing. She's torn between so many options here - how stupid she feels for not doing the math, how physically unwell she feels from mouthfuls human blood that her mind is desperately failing to compartmentalize away the memory of, how this woman in front of her has been speaking in half truth for months.

How vampires are real, how fucking Vampires are fucking real.

How she should be screaming right now, running crazy and naked out of the apartment. She wonders, if she were more coherent if she would do it. If Aria would chase her, kill her. If Aria kills her, would she be one, too?

How she's still thinking about the stupidest, idiot thoughts standing here, staring at her dark wet strings of hair, at her eyes, turning back from those horrid red wells into pools of shimmering dark. The fucking curve of her chin and her shoulders and her wholeness - she's given up holding the towel on - choosing the shivers instead because what does the chill matter?

And she does have so many questions - so fucking many. Is Aria alone? Clearly not if there's a nightclub in town doing that. Just how many times has she forgotten Aria biting at her? What does she mean, but that got healed? Does Kevin know? Does anyone else know? She has so many fucking questions but she is either too afraid to ask them or too paralyzed by choice, once again. How much has she forgotten? Has she...

Autumn stands and steps out of the bathroom, where it's wet-steam mingles more fully with a cool of the apartment - carpeting under bare feet. Autumn sees herself in a mirror, and Aria too - which makes her breath catch in a sigh of a laugh - already fact-checking movies and books - and when her eyes travel back to Aria.

"So why tell me now? Why not just... I don't know, make me forget again like before? Clearly you could do that."

[strunmah-mah]

Touchstarved Characters as DnD Classes

Ais

Given the existence of Ocudeus and Ais's relationship with it, Ais is an easy choice for a warlock, a person who gets their powers from a patron entity. My choice would either be The Great Old One, or The Fathomless. The both have those eldritch vibes but with slightly different emphasis. The Fathomless buts a strong emphasis on the oceanic tentacle monster, while The Great Old One has some tentacle imagery but focuses far more on the effects Eldritch beings have on the mind. Which one you think suits him more comes down to personal preference I think.

Leander

Given that magic for humans seems to largely be a learned skill, and stuff devs have said about Leander coming from a more more formal background giving him access to a proper education, Leander would 100% be a wizard. With as little information as we have about him exactly which school might be harder to pin down, but for the purpose of this I'm going School of Illusion. I think it works both as a fun reference to the first spell we ever see him cast (the illucitory lily) and a sort of foreshadowing of him duplicitous nature.

Kuras

As an angel, Kuras's divine power is innate to him in a way that I think the Divine Soul Sorcerer would be best at replicating. Not really sure what else to add, this might be an even easier pick than Ais as a Warlock.

Vere

Vere is interesting. Given our first impression is that of a snarling shadow beast in the corner of out vision, part of me is inclined towards Shadow Magic Sorcerer. His power seems to be innate to him and I think the Hound of Ill Omen ability synergizes well with Vere's status as the Senobium's hunting dog. HOWEVER, the devs recently dropped the extra bit of lore implying that Vere used to be worshiped as a god, which does make an interesting argument for casting him as a cleric. I don't think most cleric abilities mesh as well with Vere's in game abilities, but thematically the Ambition Domain meshes well with his personality.

Mhin

Mhin is the one I'm least confident on. Their attempt to sneak into the Senobium speaks to them being a Rogue, The revelation that they're regular collecting bounties from soulless hunting points them to being a Ranger, and the Alchemist's observation that their a scientist suggests that when the full games drops they might be something of an Artificer, or depending on your tolerance for psuedo canon, maybe a Blood Hunter? IDK, I'm a little bit at a loss of what to do with this guy.

Bonus the Origins

Now given that all Origins more or less have the same skill set with some flavor difference All of them could easily be Aberrant Mind Sorcerers and be done with it. Their power is innate to them, and that power is power over the minds of others. It's a good solid choice, but if you wanted to give the Origins more influence over their skills sets below would be my choices

The Unnamed

Raised at a temple as an oracle? The Unnnamed is a Cleric. Given that it was thought their ability could create a groupmind the Solidarity or Zeal Domains could be an interesting choice, That the people under their influence are so violent could be an argument for the War Domain, or that everyone was so mislead as to what your ability is could be an argument for Trickery Domain. Ultimately as a self insert the Unnamed's background is fluid and any choice is valid, but thematically I think I think those four could all work really well. TBH I really wish there was a Madness Domain or something so you could channel that Dionysus Maenadic energy, I think that'd work really well, but homebrew is not my area.

The Alchemist

This Origin knows magic, magic is a learned skill for humans, The Alchemist is a Wizard, maybe an Artificer. Again, self insert, either choice is valid. If you go Wizard I think School of Enchantment could be a good choice, would tie into their powers a bit better then some of the other options. If you go Artificier there is an Alchemist subclass, it's a match made in heaven

The Hound

The Hound has a very specific archetype built into it and that is the Rogue: Thief. They're a street kid who survived by stealing. I don't know if there's another choice that could work for this Origin even half as well. works for this

[jaguarys]

On the note of the snippet I posted. Ultimately what makes me go batshit insane about the Sith is that it's truly not about the magic of it all. It's about people being hurt and hurting others in turn.

What it is to become a Sith is to enmesh yourself, forever, in pain. It's at the very forefront of the doctrine, but even ignoring the mentality of it, on the basest level it is about physical and emotional pain. In agreeing to be an apprentice, you're agreeing to years of torture. You're agreeing to anything your master chooses to subject you to; they themselves have suffered as you have and they're chomping at the bit to inflict it upon you too. They have convinced themselves this pain has made them strong, but it has only made them vindictive.

Becoming a Sith is not about becoming powerful. It's about surviving the sheer horror of the training itself and convincing yourself survival is the same as control, that it's the same as power. It's about taking the seething, burning hatred you feel for the person who has tortured you and passing it onto your student, and repeating this for centuries. It's about licking your own wounds, not only the physical but those of centuries of disgraced Sith before you, hiding in the shadiest corners of the galaxy with no one but the person you hate most and believe you owe everything to.

The Sith are fundamentally pathetic, fundamentally impotent, fundamentally miserable, and it simply cannot be extricated from the mess of it all

[black-and-yellow]

Ingenue

Reel it in.

(NB even though this reads right to left, the pages are ordered so that they will be in order when scrolled through on full screen)

[ghostieblotts]

30 + 15 for the ask game??? and for the one about pet names which ones :3

For the OTP ask game - send me a ship and a number!

15. Who's the first to cry during movies that don't seem sad?

Owen. I think that, even when he and Curt are at their closest, there are still plenty of things that he can't quite seem to open up about. There will be times where something innocuous in a movie will remind him of something, or twist in just the right place. Curt will hear a slightly-too-sharp inhale, and look over and see gathered tears shining in Owen's eyes, reflecting the light of the projection, before Owen notices him and quickly scrubs them away. He will not elaborate.

30. Pet names? Yes or no?

Yes I think so!

The original version of this post included an extra bit about pet names in an au, but I've moved that to a separate post instead. If you're interested, you can find that here.

I cannot for the life of me find that one post that said they would use "agent" as a covert pet name for each other, but I very much agree with that.

I think they also use "partner" in a similar vein to that. Sometimes Owen will tease Curt and say that he sounds like some kind of cowboy - initially Curt was ticked off by this, but soon he plays it up to make Owen laugh.

When they're alone, I think Curt finds it fun to use different cheesy pet names just to see how Owen will react. They don't necessarily always go down well, but they usually get a laugh at least. "Doll face" and "honey bunch" both got a good laugh, and "sugar" is always fun.

Curt's favourite, though, is "darling". It's sincere, and it rolls off the tongue. He likes saying it, and he really likes the way it makes Owen smile.

As for Owen, it's canon that he calls Curt "love". I'm not sure he'd be able to get away with using it quite as easily in Britain (since I think it would be a bit more likely people would notice it there). Elsewhere though, he enjoys being able to very casually call Curt "love" and have people just write it off as him being British.

It takes Owen longer to start varying his terms of endearment. When they're alone, he still uses "love", but the emphasis is slightly different. It's a subtle change, but it becomes just that bit more important in the sentence it appears in. He uses it more at the start of sentences, instead of it mostly appearing at the end.

After a while, when he's feeling unusually sentimental, he starts calling Curt "my love". It's with that casual cadence, initially, but Curt is struck by it all the same. The feeling is even stronger the first time Owen changes the emphasis: again, a subtle change, but one that makes all the difference: my love.

After that, another new addition to the rotation: "my dear". Again, it starts off deliberately casual, before Owen starts to let himself say it the way he means it: softly, sincerely. There is a superlative step beyond this, though for some reason it feels like too much, too vulnerable an admission. One of these days, though, Owen is going to call Curt "dearest".

[yellowloid]

(forbidden) love, secrets, memories and regrets in am's 'tranquility base hotel and casino'

[wayfinderships]

I'll be so doomed the day I ever get a girl f/o

[cool-person-yey]

the concept of soulmates is cool but do not think about it too much. just don't.

[longagoitwastuesday]

So so indebted to u for posting those lovely illustrations from Cyrano <333 & even more so for yr tags!! I'm completely in love w yr analysis, please feel free to ramble as long as u wish! Browsing through yr Cyrano de Bergerac tag has given me glimpses of so many adaptations & translations I'd never heard of before! I'll be watching the Solès version next, which I have only discovered today through u ^_^ As for translations, have u read many/all of them? I've only encountered the Renauld & Burgess translations in the wild, & I was curious to hear yr translation thoughts that they might guide my decision on which one I buy first (not necessarily Renauld or Burgess ofc). Have a splendid day & sorry for the likespam! 💙

Sorry for the delay. Don't mind the likespam, I'm glad you enjoyed my tags about Cyrano, and that they could contribute a bit to a further appreciation of the play. I loved it a lot, I got obsessed with it for months. It's always nice to know other people deeply love too that which is loved haha I hope you enjoy the Solès version, it may well be my favourite one!

About translations, I'm touched you're asking me, but I don't really know whether mine is the best opinion to ask. I have read... four or five English translations iirc, the ones I could find online, and I do (and especially did, back when I was reading them) have a lot of opinions about them. However, nor English nor French are my first languages (they are third and fourth respectively, so not even close). I just read and compare translations because that's one of my favourite things to do.

The fact is that no translation is perfect, of course. I barely remember Renauld's, but I think it was quite literal; that's good for understanding the basics of the text, concepts and characters, but form is subject, and there's always something that escapes too literal translations. Thomas and Guillemard's if I recall correctly is similar to Hooker's in cadence. It had some beautiful fragments, some I preferred over Hooker's, but overall I think to recall I liked Hooker's more. If memory serves, Hooker's was the most traditionally poetic and beautiful in my opinion. Burgess' is a whole different thing, with its perks and drawbacks.

Something noticeable in the other translations is that they are too... "epic". They do well the poetic, sorrowful, grief stricken, crushed by regrets aspects of Cyrano and the play in general, but they fall quite short in the funny and even pathetic aspects, and that too is key in Cyrano, both character and play. Given the characteristics of both languages, following the cadence of the French too literally, with those long verses, makes an English version sound far too solemn at times when the French text isn't. Thus Burgess changes the very cadence of the text, adapting it more to the English language. This translation is the one that best sets the different moods in the play, and as I said before form is subject, and that too is key: after all, the poetic aspect of Cyrano is as much true as his angry facet and his goofy one. If Cyrano isn't funny he isn't Cyrano, just as he wouldn't be Cyrano without his devotion to Roxane or his insecurities; Cyrano is who he is precisely because he has all these facets, because one side covers the other, because one trait is born from another, because one facet is used as weapon to protect the others, like a game of mirrors and smoke. We see them at different points through the play, often converging. Burgess' enhances that. He plays with the language itself in form and musicality, with words and absences, with truths masking other truths, with things stated but untold, much like Cyrano does. And the stage directions, poetic and with literary value in their own right in a way that reminded me of Valle Inclán and Oscar Wilde, interact with the text at times in an almost metatextual dimension that enhances that bond Cyrano has with words, giving them a sort of liminal air and strengthening that constant in the play: that words both conceal and unveil Cyrano, that in words he hides and words give him away.

But not all is good, at all. Unlike Hooker, Burgess reads to me as not entirely understanding every facet of the characters, and as if he didn't even like the play all that much, as if he had a bit of a disdainful attitude towards it, and found it too mushy. Which I can understand, but then why do you translate it? In my opinion the Burgess' translation does well bending English to transmit the different moods the French text does, and does pretty well understanding the more solemn, cool, funny, angry, poetic aspects of Cyrano, but less so his devotion, vulnerability, insecurities and his pathetism. It doesn't seem to get Roxane at all, how similar she is to Cyrano, nor why she has so many admirers. It does a very poor job at understanding Christian and his value, and writes him off as stupid imo. While I enjoyed the language aspect of the Burgess translation, I remember being quite angry at certain points reading it because of what it did to the characters and some changes he introduces. I think he did something very questionable with Le Bret and Castel-Jaloux, and I remember being incensed because of Roxane at times (for instance, she doesn't go to Arras in his version, which is a key scene to show just how much fire Roxane has, and that establishes several parallels with Cyrano, in attitude and words, but even in act since she does a bit what Cyrano later does with the nuns in the last act), and being very angry at several choices about Christian too. While not explicitly stated, I think the McAvoy production and the musical both follow this translation, because they too introduce these changes, and they make Christian as a character, and to an extent the entire play, not make sense.

For instance, once such change is that Christian is afraid that Roxane will be cultured (McAvoy's version has that infamous "shit"/"fuck" that I detest), when in the original French it's literally the opposite. He is not afraid she will be cultured, he is afraid she won't, because he does love and appreciate and admires those aspects of her, as he appreciates and admires them in Cyrano. That's key! Just as Cyrano longs to have what Christian has, Christian wants the same! That words escape him doesn't mean he doesn't understand or appreciate them. The dynamics make no sense without this aspect, and Burgess (and the productions that directly or indirectly follow him) constantly erases this core trait of Christian.

Another key moment of Christian Burgess butchers is the scene in Arras in which Christian discovers the truth. Burgess writes their discussion masterfully in form, it's both funny and poignant, but it falls short in concept: when Cyrano tells him the whole discussion about who does Roxane love and what will happen, what they'll do, is academic because they're both going to die, Christian states that dying is his role now. This destroys entirely the thing with Christian wanting Roxane to have the right to know, and the freedom to choose, or to refuse them both. As much as Cyrano proclaims his love for truth and not mincing words even in the face of authority, Cyrano is constantly drunk on lies and mirages, masks and metaphors. It's Christian who wants it all to end, the one who wants real things, the one who wants to risk his own happiness for the chance of his friend's, as well as for the woman he loves to stop living in a lie. That is a very interesting aspect of Christian, and another aspect in which he is written as both paralleling and contrasting Cyrano. It's interesting from a moral perspective and how that works with the characters, but it's also interesting from a conceptual point of view, both in text and metatextually: what they hold most dear, what they most want, what most fulfills them, what they most fear, their different approaches to life, but also metatextually another instance of that tears/blood motif and its ramifications constant through the whole text. Erasing that climatic decision and making him just simply suicidal erases those aspects of Christian and his place in the Christian/Cyrano/Roxane dynamic, all for plain superficial angst, that perhaps hits more in the moment, but holds less meaning.

Being more literal, and more solemn, Hooker's translation (or any of the others, but Hooker's seems to love the characters and understand them) doesn't make these conceptual mistakes. Now, would I not recommend reading Burgess' translation? I can't also say that. I had a lot of fun reading it, despite the occasional anger and indignation haha Would I recommend buying it? I recommend you give an eye to it first, if you're tempted and can initially only buy one.

You can read Burgess' translation entirely in archive.com. You can also find online the complete translations of Renauld, Hooker and Thomas and Guillemard. I also found a fifth one, iirc, but I can't recall it right now (I could give a look). You could read them before choosing, or read your favourite scenes and fragments in the different translations, and choose the one in which you like them better. That's often what I do.

Edit: I've checked to make sure and Roxane does appear in Arras in the translation. It's in the introduction in which it is stated that she doesn't appear in the production for which the translation was made. The conceptualisation of Roxane I criticise and that in my opinion is constant through the text does stay, though.