#i'm a new england bitch what can i say

[cobragardens]

CORRECTED & UPDATED! Clothes + Equivocation = Romance:

The Husbands in 1793

EDIT: I made a significant error when I wrote this. As @goodjomans kindly points out in the comments to Part 2 of this essay (massive shoutout for this, goodjomans! also I love your name!), Aziraphale is the one who dresses the executioner in clothing like Aziraphale's original ensemble, not Crowley. This changes my conclusions about the meaning we can take from this scene!

On the one hand, mea culpa, y'all. I shall get on with eating my crow. On the other hand, I had to go through this frame-by-frame to catch which of the ineffable spouses puts Jean-Claude in his new togs, and the answer only lasts three frames. Here it is:

After Aziraphale changes his clothes, but before Crowley snaps his fingers and unfreezes time, there's a shot of the executioner over Crowley's shoulder, and he is now wearing a light coat with gold embroidery on the shoulders like Aziraphale's. Aziraphale arranges the executioner's death, not Crowley. So I feel like an idiot for missing it, but not a total idiot.

Let's discuss how this information changes what we can read from this scene! I'm going to leave my original text in place and edit with bold green. I can still stand by most of this essay, but this detail changes how I read the meaning of the husbands' communication at the end of this scene.

So we're all clear on the fact that the universe of Good Omens is an inescapable nightmare dystopia in which either of the husbands' merciless authoritarian regimes could be watching or listening to them at any time, yes? And that if either are caught 'fraternizing' with the other that means discorporation, torture, memory wipe, and/or death for either or both of them, yes?

Which means Crowley and Aziraphale can never speak or do anything openly to each other about their friendship or attraction or love. Everything they say and do has to have an innocuous meaning they can point to in case anybody ever sees or hears something Team Azcrow can't explain away. Walls (and ducks) have ears, and the price of slipping up--as we see in 1827--is heavy.

When a character says or does something that has two distinct meanings because they need to disguise what they really mean from one party but make their meaning plain to another, lit-nerds (and lit nerds🍃) call this equivocation. Equivocation is a kind of coded communication meant to pass hostile ears and eyes in plain sight but reach its intended recipient with its true meaning. The 1793 scene is jammed with it.

A lot of that coded messaging revolves around the clothes Crowley and Aziraphale choose in this scene, so--THESIS PARAGRAPH, BITCHES--we're going going to talk about how their clothes read to the people of this time period and location, what their clothes tell us about their characters, how their clothes help them equivocate, and what they're really saying with that equivocation. And Spoiler A-fucking-lert, it is ROMANTIC AF PRETTY GD ROMANTIC. Let's get nerdy!

We start with Aziraphale's beautiful champagne-gold and powder-pink ensemble.

This outfit would tell people of this time period 3 things about Aziraphale:

That he's insanely wealthy--These clothes would be silk, hand-embroidered with thread made with actual gold. Each individual garment could cost years' or even decades' worth of working-class wages and take a team of skilled artisans dozens to hundreds of hours to make.

That he's a fop--i.e., a man who loves fine clothes and dressing up and looking fancy. By the 1790s in England, once-fashionable foppishness was giving way to the Neoclassical 'Corinthian' style, and was considered effete. (Fun note: During this time period, effete did not automatically indicate gay, and pink was considered a masculine color, so while Az. is queering it up to the audience here, his clothes would not have read as gay or overtly effeminate to the other characters around him.)

Even though he's insanely wealthy, Aziraphale wears clothes that are decades out of fashion.

According to the Victoria & Albert Museum, "As the [18th] century progressed, the male silhouette slowly changed.[...] Coat skirts gradually became less full and the front was cut in a curved line towards the back. Waistcoats became shorter. The upper leg began to show more and more[...]. Shoes became low-heeled with pointed toes and were fastened with a detachable buckle and straps or ribbon[.]

Source

That description is not what Aziraphale's wearing. Judging by his heel height and the length of his waistcoat, Aziraphale is wearing a style that's at least a decade older than this:

And this is from 1765. The great crepes caper happens in 1793, almost 30 years later.

My inference: Just as he has in the modern period, Aziraphale has settled into a style he really likes and refused to let go of it long after it's gone out of fashion.

We'll come back to this set of Aziraphale's clothes in a bit, but we need to talk about Crowley's first, because Crowley's clothes in this scene help render a line he says later about this outfit very flirtatious and darkly romantic.

First, some background: What was considered acceptable attire for wealthy people in France changed pretty much overnight during the French Revolution after the storming of the Bastille in 1789 and the fall of the French monarchy. Instead of advertising wealth, clothes now had to advertise political allegiance, and they had to do so loud and clear. And if you didn't want to be murdered by the French First Republic, that political allegiance had fucking better be to the Revolution.

People started wearing a looooooot of super patriotic shit. And I mean it was like little kids on the 4th of July; clothes were red, white, and blue in any hue and garish combination and print. The cockade, a fabric rosette in the colors of the French flag, was required by law to be worn by men, and despite that was just as popular among women. To show solidarity with the laboring classes, the fabrics the wealthy wore went from embroidered silk in light Rococo colors (what Aziraphale is wearing) to sober neutrals without decoration in wool, cotton, and linen.

Now, the script note for Crowley's clothing in this scene is this:

But clearly there were some changes made between script and filming, because Crowley does not appear standing behind Aziraphale; he appears lounging.

And he's not dressed as a French peasant.

Here's how French peasants dressed in 1790:

Peasants at this time wore styles that distinguished them from the styles of the upper classes not just in materials, colors, or patterns, but in shapes. Full trousers and cropped boxy jackets in French flag colors were the marks of the laboring-class Revolutionary, and both styles were huge changes from hundreds of years of French fashion up to that point.

And that's not what Crowley shows up wearing. Crowley is wearing the knee breeches, stockings, waistcoat, and frock coat of a wealthy man, and in fact his clothes reference a very specific type of wealthy man.

In the 1790s, if you were an aristocrat who wasn't happy about the Revolution and you were so sure of your privilege that you would risk your life showing it, you wore black in mourning for the monarchy and in protest of the violence of its deposition. If you were an aristocrat who wanted to protest and you didn't want to be immediately murdered by the French First Republic, you wore a style called half-mourning, which was black with a colored coat.

Here's a picture from a 1790 fashion magazine of an aristocrat in half-mourning:

"The text accompanying the plate describes his ensemble as 'half-mourning,' referring to the aristocrats who lamented 'the diminished powers of the monarchy and [signaled] their willingness to die for the royal cause'" [emph. added]. [Source]

Notice: the shoes, stockings, breeches, waistcoat, and cravat are all black. You with me?

Because here's Crowley in 1793:

I've turned up the brightness and exposure in this image so he's more clearly visible against the stone, but I haven't warmed it up. He's wearing a coat that's a dark blackish red. Everything else, even his cravat, even his shirt, is black. (The black shirt is anachronistic, a lovely little nod to Crowley's refusal to wear angelic white.)

This is 179fuckin'3, y'all. Marie Antoinette is executed in 1793. It's 3 full years after that fashion plate up there in his bright red jacket, and that lil dude was already risking his neck way back in 1790. As we can see from the fact that the government are apparently now grabbing random wealthy-looking Englishmen off the street to murder without trial, the time for a man demon to be sauntering around Paris dressed in all black or even nearly all black is well past.

Crowley's also wearing a whole assload of huge silver buttons, which would have been flashy and tacky and frankly pretty weird in 1793 but very definitely an eccentric Rich Person Thing to do, bc regular buttons at this time were horn or wood and covered with the garment's fabric. The only man in France who could get away with this fancy aristo shit anymore was Robespierre himself, and only "devotion to the cause[...] excused Robespierre’s showy dress since he was perceived as a bridge between the politically empowered bourgeois deputies and the ardently antimonarchical unenfranchised classes." [Source]

So when Crowley teases Aziraphale--

--both of them are perfectly well aware that Crowley's outfit would get him just as killed as Aziraphale's.

And that's why Aziraphale's expression is annoyed when he has abandon his "standards" and change his clothes. Because Aziraphale's the one who needs the favor, Crowley makes him take one for the team and wear the goofy hat.

The clothes Az. changes into here still tell people that he's rich, but they also say he's a hardcore Revolutionary. The red jacket in a current cutaway style, the cockade and sash, and the bonnet phrygien (the red garden-gnome cap) all announce this guy is a huge supporter of the Revolution. His clothes are all still aristocratic in shape and materials (and he keeps his now-unfashionably frilly lace cravat), but he's no longer flaunting obscene wealth in a city filled with angry starving people, and the gnome cap says he's in solidarity with the working classes even if he isn't one of them.

Once he restarts time, Crowley is not leaving that prison cell safely without either changing his clothes or taking Aziraphale with him, because Crowley looks like a rich asshole protesting the fall of the monarchy--which is frankly exactly the kind of thing he'd show up wearing to the Bastille during the Reign of Terror (just like he wears athleisure in Heaven). But Aziraphale's new appearance covers for them both: if the rich-looking guy with no cockade and wearing all black under his almost-black coat is in with this other guy who's obviously a Revolution fanatic, then the rich guy's probably okay, right? He just forgot his sash at home or something. Bees.

Something else happens when Az. changes, too. Look at Aziraphale's new dress from a different angle:

Half-mourning is a white shirt, but a black cravat, so this isn't half-mourning. He's wearing three different badges of the Revolution to make up for the fact that Crowley looks like a Satanic libertine (which tbf he is), but Aziraphale's new ensemble is black and dark red.

Y'all. Aziraphale changes into Crowley's colors.

Now, this is a more fashionable and higher quality version of what the executioner is wearing, so Aziraphale has very plausible deniability here; if anyone ever pulled him up on it, he could say he just copied our man Jean-Claude.

But let me show you what English fashion looks like right now:

This is a French painting of a wealthy Frenchman, but he's wearing the English 'Corinthian' style. It was painted in 1795, so this would have been the very cutting edge of fashion in England in 1793, and the fabrics and colors look right at home in Revolutionary Paris. (He's wearing the cockade on his hat, btw.)

Look at all that angelic white! The buttery almond of the buckskin breeches, the golden kidskin gloves, the rich tan of the riding boots! The blue of the greatcoat! All colors we know Aziraphale prefers!

And yet this is what Aziraphale chooses:

We know from the entire rest of the show how very particular about his clothes Aziraphale is. And yet 150 years before he (accidentally) admits in words that he's Crowley's friend, Aziraphale wears Crowley's colors to take him to lunch to say thank you for a rescue.

When we decide whether a character's speech or action is equivocation, one of the things we check is whether equivocation (and deception generally) is something that character does elsewhere in the text, which, with Aziraphale, hahahahaha, DUH. He's already using equivocation in this scene.

The lunch date itself is equivocation on Aziraphale's part. Aziraphale tries to thank Crowley for the rescue, but Crowley says,

So Aziraphale says,

No more words like "thanks" or "rescue" used, but a couple hours of good food and drink and conversation, Aziraphale hopes, will express the gratitude toward Crowley it's not safe to speak aloud. With this, Crowley and Aziraphale explicitly establish that they are equivocating for each other's safety and using coded communication--immediately before Aziraphale changes into Crowley's colors.

So yes, Aziraphale may well copy the executioner's clothes. But consider: When a character who can't speak or act openly says or does something that has two or more possible meanings, this can be read as equivocation.

We don't get a face reaction from Crowley about Aziraphale's new 'fit, so we can't be sure how he feels about this. But this whole scene is, even on its surface, about 1) the meaning clothes transmit to a viewer ("Oh good Lord," says Aziraphale when he sees what Crowley's wearing) and 2) how to show gratitude and appreciation when you can't speak of them openly. And we know Crowley notices clothing and clothing colors, because look at what he wears, like, ever. So it's very reasonable to presume he notices Aziraphale wearing his colors, and it fits well with both the rest of Crowley's actions in this scene and with his being very hurt and angry when Aziraphale later characterizes their interactions as "fraternizing."

Right, so we've covered what's going on with the husbands' clothes, and we've looked at two examples of equivocation on Aziraphale's part, viz., lunch and his change of colors. (Here's an example of equivocation on Crowley's part as well.) Now let's look at that super interesting thing Crowley says about Aziraphale's first outfit.

Here's the line:

Crowley follows up here on earlier lines in which he teases Aziraphale for coming to Reign-of-Terror Paris for crepes: "Dressed like that?" meaning Aziraphale was guaranteed to get arrested dressed like an aristocrat. The top layer of equivocation is always an innocuous meaning: the plausible deniability meant for the hostile/unsafe listeners. That's Meaning 1.

But "Dressed like that, s/he's asking for trouble" means two other things, too. It's a veeerrrrry familiar phrase, isn't it? We've all heard that arrangement of words in that order before. It's used when people think someone (usually but not always a woman) is dressed to invite sexual attention.

How do we know we're supposed to take this modern meaning from this phrase? This is how:

We have learned in literally the previous sentence to this one that rain has not been invented yet. The only two humans in existence have just left the Garden. Balloons definitely do not exist yet, humans couldn't tell you what lead is, and yet this is a phrase Crowley uses and Aziraphale understands. This tells us, the audience, in the very first line of the very first scene with these characters, that their speech is anachronistic and modern, and that we are to understand their phrasing in its contemporary sense.

So. When Crowley says "Dressed like that, he was asking for trouble" in 1793, we should read that in the context of the scene and in the senses the phrase carries to us today.

And since Crowley is using a phrase that means the executioner is dressed to invite sexual attention, and the executioner is wearing clothes identical to Aziraphale's, then Crowley is necessarily telling Aziraphale that when Aziraphale was wearing those clothes--those frilly, effete, unfashionable-for-decades clothes that nobody else likes and the French now murder people for wearing--that was, in Crowley's view...provocatively sexy. Meaning 2.

"Dressed like that, s/he was asking for trouble" is also what people say to justify violence, especially sexual violence against women and queerphobic attacks against men perceived as gay or just 'insufficiently' 'masculine'. In fact justifying assault is likely the most common way this phrase is used today by a wide margin. Meaning 3.

Crowley's joke isn't even really a joke in this sense; it's a vicious barb. And, because it must, it sounds like it's at Aziraphale's expense: You wore the wrong clothes, you weren't careful enough to guard yourself against the men who want to do you harm, so you deserved the trouble you got. Meaning 1.

Except remember: Crowley is also dressed for trouble. And Aziraphale is aware of this. Crowley's 'fit would be almost as offensive to the Revolutionary French of 1793 as Aziraphale's Rococo pastels, and probably just as likely to get him arrested and murdered by the state if he weren't making letting Aziraphale keep him safe by wearing the cockade and the silly hat. Crowley's not saying anything about Aziraphale here that he's not also saying about himself; and as we know from Aziraphale's initial "Oh good Lord" when he turns around and sees Crowley's black and red half-mourning (with extra black and gobs of silver), Aziraphale knows it.

Then why the rapey joke, Crowley?

This is fucking why:

Crowley rocks up at the Bastille just in time to witness some grubby fucker assault his friend. Assault the person Crowley will greet 15 seconds after this as angel.

Crowley's first act after freeing Aziraphale is to send this dude to his death. Nope! Aziraphale is the one who arranges to have the executioner killed in the clothes he would have killed Aziraphale for wearing. He takes Jean-Claude's ability to speak (but not to make sounds, interestingly! Jean-Claude can still whimper, Jean-Claude can still cry!) so the executioner can't tell anyone about the 'mixup.' It's unclear which of them blocks the executioner's power of speech. The vicious joke about assault in Meaning 3 isn't at Aziraphale's expense at all. It's not You wore the wrong clothes, so you deserved the trouble you got. It's If this guy thinks you deserve trouble for wearing the wrong clothes, he can eat his own rules.

And that's the other piece of evidence that, along with Crowley's ensemble, shows us the audience and Aziraphale which meanings Crowley intends with his equivocation. Meaning 1 is cancelled out by Crowley's clothes. That leaves Meanings 2 and 3.

Crowley and Aziraphale share clothes as a common interest. They don't have the same style, but they're both aware of current fashions, and Heaven and Hell aren't. You can't tell me Hastur or Uriel would recognize the significance of Crowley saying "Dressed like that, he's asking for trouble" about someone else while wearing black stockings and cravat and waistcoat himself. And that means Anything the husbands communicate to each other through clothing choices goes undetected by their masters.

SO. With all this in mind, let's go through the 1793 scene again and look at what their clothes help them say without words.

Concluded in Part 2!

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: The Thing

Stephen King: wow, john, i just heard that you're going to be in the The Thing Expanded documentary! John Carpenter: [playing Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy on Playstation 2] King: Carpenter: King: i said Carpenter: i heard you

King: i'm just really excited cuz that's my favorite movie! Poe: mine too! Koontz: oh wow! me too! Barker: everyone loves that movie Lovecraft: great film! Carpenter: Carpenter: yeah well Carpenter: that's not what you were saying in 1982

King: yeah ok that's true King: but we all like it now Carpenter: Carpenter: son of a bitch

King: john can you tell us about the making of The Thing Carpenter: i'd rather talk about Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy Carpenter: this game rules Carpenter: check it out Carpenter: reactive controls, great gameplay, just a total package

King: can you tell us where you got the idea for The Thing? Carpenter: now in jak and daxter 2: Renegade, see, you have to collect all 8 power crystals before you can escape the wizard's dungeon King: Carpenter: if you press X & Y at the same time, you can skip to the molten core

Koontz: i have a question about the thing! King: ok dean ask your question Koontz: mr carpenter is it true that the dog in the thing was a really good actor? King: oh gosh dean now i'm sure john is very busy Carpenter: actually that's a really good question

Carpenter: let me tell you Carpenter: that Jed? a consummate professional Carpenter: always on time, hit his mark, knew his lines. took direction well. a real class act Carpenter: made kurt russell look like a giant pile of shit!

Lovecraft: i have a question too Lovecraft: when are you gonna do a mouth of madness sequel? Lovecraft: that's my favorite adaptation of my work! Carpenter: Carpenter: Carpenter:

Carpenter: you didn't write that Lovecraft: sure I did! it has all my hallmarks Lovecraft: cosmic horror, unknowable monsters from beyond, creepy new england hamlets Lovecraft: it's even got "madness" in the title! Lovecraft: i think i did a pretty good job if i do say so myself!

Lovecraft: i think it's the best lovecraft movie ever made, in fact! Carpenter: you didn't say that in 1994 Lovecraft: ok but i like it now Carpenter: son of a bitch!!

[emlovesstates]

Gov X New York needs more love

So I'm gonna give it some with some incorrect quotes he he he

New York : I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

Gov: Wow, I've gotta hear this.

New York : I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.

Gov: You forgot pride.

New York : No, I'm pretty proud of this.

----------

Gov: I’m doing what I can to jog your memory.

New York : It’s jogging, I guess. Its tiddies are jiggling a little.

Gov: Nice.

-----

Gov: It doesn’t have a bone.

New York : Then why is it called a boner?

Gov: I’m in love with you.

New York : We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Gov: I know.

New York : Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

*At a speed dating event*

Gov: Oh wow, people are really shallow.

New York : Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?

Gov: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet.

New York : Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.

Gov: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

New York : I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

Gov: I want you back...

New York : 3 words, 8 letters. Say it, and I'm yours.

Gov: I got food?

New York : ...you know me so well.

Gov: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free: pouring river water in your socks!

New York : Why would I do that?

Gov: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free!

Gov: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

New York : This is a lie.

New York : I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.

New York : THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

Gov: Do you love me?

New York : We’re literally married.

Gov: Yeah, but as friends or—(this gives off the same energy from yesterday's video)

New York : Did you win? Or just not die?

New York : Either way, hooray.

Gov: ...Is "no" a valid answer?

New York : The hooray is redacted and you frighten me.

New York : English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art!

Gov: What is this "paper art" you speak of?

New York : That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper!

Gov: ... New York .

Gov: Our relationship is strictly professional.

New York , sitting on Gov’s lap: Absolutely. Only on business.

New York : So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Gov and not do the thing,

New York : Well there’s a clear right answer here.

New York : *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

New York : I owe you one.

Gov: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

New York : I feel like doing something stupid.

Gov: I’m stupid, do me.

New York : Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Gov: It was autocorrect.

New York : Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Gov: Yes.

Gov: *Locks New York in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

New York : What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

England: I have your boyfriend

New York : What? I don't have a boyfriend...

England: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?

New York : Oh my god, you have Gov

Gov: You use humor to deflect your trauma.

New York : Awww, thanks-

Gov: That’s not a good thing.

New York : All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

Gov: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

New York : Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

Gov, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

[jarritos-hetalia]

Part two of Hetalia as things I've heard! (Extended edition)

These are from years ago, like a while ago. So there are references to Pokemon scarlet and violet, and maybe other things.

~~~

Italy: That kid just twerked on baby Jesus!

~~~

Hungary: So a woman's period is kinda like-

Prussia: *Starts Crying*

~~~

Germany: Hey Japan-

Japan: *Hugs him*

Germany: *Confused Screaming*

~~~

Romano: Do you know who that is? *Points to a random person*

Spain: No?

Romano: That's because you are ugly.

Spain: *Sad*

~~~

America: Hey Old man, have you heard of the star wars character Bofa?

Canada: Don’t

England: What?

America: Bofa deez nuts in your mouth!

~~~

America: I’ve played basketball before.

America: *Goes to shoot the ball*

Canada: Go Lebron Manays!

~~~

Romano: *Sitting on the floor behind Italy and Spain so he doesnt get called on*

Spain: *pointing to him* Romano is here!

Romano: You Bitch

Spain: Germany, call on him!

~~~

Italy: Bye Germany!

Germany: Bye Italy, Love you!

Italy:

Germany: I’m so sorry

~~~

America: *On a discord call with Japan*

Japan: Bye

America: Bye, Love you

Japan: Wha-

America: * Hangs up*

Discord- would you like to rate your call?

America: *typing* Bad, I accidentally said “I Love You”

~~~

America: lol

England: What is this 2012? I haven't heard anyone say “lol” in years.

America: *internally* Did no one ever teach you to mind your own business.

England: *Laughing his ass off*

America: yesterday you said that something was groovy, what year are you living in, 1980?

England: >:O

~~~

Romano: So I stabbed myself in the leg three times with a pen-

Italy: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Romano: Because I was stressed? Anyway-

~~~

Hong Kong: *Vibing to Cabinet Man by Lemon Demon at three am*

Japan: *Bangs on his door* DID YOU OPEN MY MOUNTAIN DEW?!

Hong Kong: wha- WHY THE FUCK WOULD I??

Japan: GOOD *leaves*

~~~

Italy: Illions’s favorite pizza topping is ketchup.

Romano: *Grabs his bat* What the fuck.

~~~

America: TwO tRuCkS, hAvInG sEx

England: What the actual fuck

~~~

Germany: I’m Hyperlexic

Italy: I’m Dyslexic

Japan: Together you are lexic

Romano: You just brought back so many lexia memories

~~~

Russia: I opened his mountain dew

Hong Kong: Why?

Russia: I like to inhale the carbonation.

Hong Kong: *Confused Screaming*

~~~

France: I’m not going

England: Okay

France: *Gets out of the car*

England: I thought you weren't coming?

France: I am now

~~~

Receptionist: Hey lady, so the restrooms are all the way across the building and the others are through the gym

Hungary: Why?

~~~

Romano: I swear to God if one more thing goes wrong today I'm going to kill myself.

Spain: Hey.

Romano: I'm going to kill myself!

~~~

England: *Walking*

America: You look like an NPC

England: What?

America: Now you look like a roblox character.

~~~

Italy: I got an ad for the new pokemon game and I was like “Did that pokemon just turn into a fucking motorbike?!”

Romano: *Mocking Him* Did that person just turn into a present?!

~~~

England: I can’t feel my facial muscles.

France: You can’t because you don’t commonly give people blow jobs.

England: What the heck.

~~~

France: Next person to walk through the door is annoying

England: *walks through the door*

France: True

England: FUCK YOU

France: I know you would you slut

~~~

America: That man was a pedophile!

England: It was the fucking mall santa!

Canada: Truly the most perverted man alive.

England: You too!?

~~~

Romano: Italy I swear to God if you do something more chaotic than you normally do I'm going to fucking choke Spain out.

Italy: Why are you torturing Spain

Romano: Because Spain is just an annoying little brat

Spain: *Getting ready to be killed* Screw you Romano no one loves you

Germany: I'm going to the corn field

~~~

America: is it a hotdish or a casserole?

Canada: a Casserole?

America: Nope, a hotdish

Canada: What the fuck is wrong with you.

~~~

Italy: Anything can kill you if you throw it hard enough!

Romano: *Breaking threw the door* Hey! That’s my line!

France: Anything can be a dildo if you try hard enough! England: You are a fucking disappointment

France: I know

~~~

Italy: This is my favorite picture of Germany!

Japan: All I see is Johnny Deept

~~~

Romano: *Kicking the air*

Prussia: *Grabs His leg*

Romano: *Falls*

Prussia: ‘-’

Romano: HE THREW ME! Prussia: NO I FUCKING DIDN’T

~~~

Russia: I know your mom

America: *Does Not have a mom* What’s her name?

Russia: Umm

America: What’s her name?

Russia: I’m in danger *Laughes*

~~~

Canada: I don’t know football

America: Okay?

Canada: But I know Hockey

America: Why

~~~

Germany: Depressed can be a character trait?

Germany: Hey y'all my name is Germany and I’m depressed!

~~~

Germany: *Making the hand wolves have sex*

Romano: DON’T MAKE THE HAND WOLVES HAVE SEX

~~~

Norway: So Finland gave me two fidget toys

Iceland: ?

Norway: and one of them is this fidget spinner thing and the other one is just a ball

Iceland: Ball, I want ball

Norway: O-okay. *Hands him the ball*

Iceland: *holds the ball* Textured Ball

~~~

Iceland: Hey Sealand, look at this *Shows him screenshots of lexia*

Sealand: Wha- *Starts Crying and screaming*

~~~

Romano: Sprigatito the italian seasoning cat.

~~~

Canada: Mom said that I was her favorite memory and that you were her second

America: *Angry Yelling*

England: I said that because he was the first born!

~~~

America: Hey BrOtHeR!

Canada: What do you want?

~~~

Iceland: I’ll walk home by myself

Sweden: You won’t

Iceland: Watch me *Walks out*

~~~

Italy: when in doubt, know your way out

Germany: what are you planning on doing

Japan: *running* I AM NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES 

Germany: what???

~~~ Spain: Two trucks having sex~

Romano: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SPAIN

~~~

England: *Talking about child labor* Look at how dead inside this child looks

England: *Shows a picture of a kid from miss pilgrims home for particular children* Look at how similar they are, so you might say that the kids were ‘particular’

England: *Shows a picture of the kids from the shining* I added that one in there for fun-

America: *turns to Canada* We’re talking about child labor and he wants to make that fun?

Canada: Weird

~~~

China: Remembering the time my boyfriend told me that “Sweet Bod” by Lemon Demon was our love song but in a romantic way.

Japan: and you didn’t break up with him?

~~~

America: You can perform CPR to “Two Trucks” by Lemon Demon

Japan: What?

America: Imagine waking up after CPR and hearing “Two Trucks, having sex”

Japan: What is wrong with you?

~~~

[theinconveniencing]

daddy long dick has landed in washington baby and since this was my first time in new england I would like to discuss some of the differences I spotted/things I noticed. new england east coast mutuals get in on this

obviously I had a limited experience and I'm comparing this to western washington let me have my fun tho 

okay the Main thing I noticed. like the first thing. this is gonna sound insane but you're fucking houses. WHERE is the overhang on the trim. like you have roofs yeah but there's no overhang on the gabled part. the sides of your house are getting dirty!

your trees are bigger. like the non needled trees. on the west colonizers pulled up and chopped all that shit down and we had to start over. save for a couple of trees that got spared. love it.

speaking of trees you guys don't really have very many needled trees. I can't imagine how that place looks in the fall

CICADAS I LOVE YOU. wish I got to see one. that's all.

your place names are like. parodies of what I would guess east coast city names are like. like fucking west yorkshire libertyville englandtown bullshit WHAT is that. whenever my mom and I were driving we would read the town names out loud and just laugh

everything is just older. like duh but we would see signs for buildings or cities that were established before white people even started colonizing over here. like damn!

boston accents are real. I always thought they were kind of a myth. I know i already said this but people really talk like that. love it.

FUCK PATRIOTS FANS I HATE PATRIOTS FANS. okay jk but they were being really mean to me my mom and my sister :( like guys it's just a sport. ALSO just throwing it out there that when the crowd was supposed to be loud it wasn't loud. like it was Loud but I couldn't still very easily talk to my sister. girl at the seahawks games you can't even Hear over how loud everybody is. we cause earthquakes over here bitch fuck your team! 

where are your birds.... I didn't see many birds and I certainly didn't hear them. where are they.....

your houses just generally look cooler I'll say that. like most of ours are all very 1970s suburban but you guys have a nice wraparound porch victorian ish style thing going on with a lot of yours. but you could do with more color. and less of the fake window shades.

dunkin vs starbucks. we all knew this. but what I Knew but wanted to See was that yall don’t have coffee stands. nor coffee shops coffee Stands. I'm pretty sure it's a pnw thing that we have little tiny coffee places that are only drive thrus and are usually manned by one singular young blonde white woman who is running that shit like the navy frankly. if you want a coffee you can get a coffee. or a redbull charger or a lotus. which my sister's friends have never heard of but they're not a diverse sample

I'm sure this is probably just the area we were in but the lack of estate sales. disappointing

but on a similar note I'm pretty sure this was just this one person but we saw signs for a "tag sale" and my mom and I went obviously but it was just a garage sale. tell me if this is a thing yall say. listening and learning.

your water tastes like shit

washington is not super walkable but the places I was in new england were somehow less walkable. which I don’t get bc your towns were all established when people had to walk or take a fucking horse everywhere so what gives 

I learned that when you order a mocha at dunkin it's not implied that it's a a latte. black coffee and some chocolate is not a mocha I fear....

think that's all I got I'm sure I'll post more in the coming days. overall it was nice but unforch I don’t think I would live there... I like my state. bless.

[theycallmebecca]

For your Autumn prompts- a character (I’m thinking Frank or Curtis would be fun!) of your choosing doesn’t “get” the magic of Autumn/Fall- but after participating in a typical Autumn activity (Fall Festival/haunted house/carving pumpkins/apple picking/a scare crow making contest/scary movie marathon) they get it and it’s a cute fluffy ending 🥺🧡

If this drabble had a theme song it would be Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero, specifically the line 'Hi, I'm the problem, it's me' because I literally started writing this drabble the day I got this request back on the 18th and the ending eluded me until today...

Never the less, I have prevailed! And I bring you some Frank Adler grumpiness.

Title: New Traditions

Pairing: Frank Adler x reader

Rating: PG

Warnings: n/a

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

Usage Disclaimer: This work is for fans only. This author does not give permission for it to be shared, spoken of, referred to in any public manner (podcast, tv, online, etc.) that wants to either make a celebrity uncomfortable, mock fan fiction/fandom in any way, or the author themselves. Requests can be made, but it is unlikely the author will change their mind. If no response is given to a request then the answer is a solid no, not interested and the work cannot be shared, spoken of or even referred to, regardless of the manner or context. 

"What do you mean you think fall is overrated?” You stared at your boyfriend in shock.

“The colors are nice, I guess,” Frank Adler replied with a shrug. “But I don’t get the fuss.”

You blinked and shook your head in disbelief. You opened your mouth to remind him that he’d grown up in fucking New England, one of the most picturesque places in the entire fucking world to experience fall and then shut it when you remembered why the two of you were even in New England in October.

Mary’s monthly weekend with her grandmother.

You bit your tongue to keep from saying anything about Frank’s mother and tried to mask your face, but you could see Frank’s lips twitch as he tried to fight smiling himself.

“It’s ok, you can call her a bitch if you want to,” Frank said with a grin. “I’ve said worse. To her face.”

“I will not stoop to her level,” you said, pulling your shoulders back. “I’m just glad I’m part of yours and Mary’s lives now and can help you both experience the parts of life that were kept from you.”

“Like what?” Frank asked, tilting his head in curiosity.

“Experiencing fall the way it’s fucking meant to be spent!” you exclaimed, throwing your hands up. “Pumpkin patches, hayrides, corn mazes, just everything that makes fall fun!”

Frank gave you a look that said he wasn’t convinced.

“Trust me, by the time I’m done showing you and Mary everything you’ve missed, you’ll be begging me to show you more and, not only that, but making a huge weekend of it every single year,”  you promised.

With Mary busy with her grandmother for the weekend, you and Frank went to a local haunted house and then watched a couple scary movies. While he refused to admit he was enjoying himself, you could tell that he was.

By the time you guys were back in Florida, Mary was on board for experiencing a true fall and you knew that would seal the deal for Frank. If there was anything that made your grumpy boyfriend happy, it was seeing his niece enjoying her childhood, something that both he and her mother had missed out on.

You spent the week planning a weekend full of fall-related fun for the three of you, some of which you shared with Frank and Mary, but other parts you decided to keep as a surprise.

When the weekend finally arrived, the three of you got up early and headed out for the first day of fun. You’d found a farm not too far away that had an actual pumpkin patch as well as hayrides, a corn maze, and a farm store.

Just as you had expected, it was an instant hit for Mary. It was a harder sell for your grumpy boyfriend, but, eventually, even he was enjoying himself, though you weren’t sure if it was because he’d gotten into the fall celebration or if it was just because he was happy that Mary was happy.

By the end of that first day, you knew that you’d just stated a new, annual, family tradition.

[yallemagne]

Having to pause every five seconds in this episode to scream at VH for being such an old bitch.

First up the newspaper: You're telling me none of these kids are capable of pronouncing the word "Beautiful", really? Were newspapers really like this in Victorian England? Just constantly misspelling something as a bit to make fun of people's pronunciations? That's obnoxious. Also damn the writer of this article fucking hates kids, damn.

Our correspondent naïvely says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby-faced little children pretend—and even imagine themselves—to be.

calm the fuck down, they're playing pretend. how are you seriously gonna get pissy with children roleplaying as a "Beautiful Lady".

Mina worries VH will blame her for Lucy's death and I screamed SHUT UP MINA. Oh my god Mina literally what. No, you are not even at partial fault for what happened to your ADULT FRIEND while you were away with your HUSBAND. Read my post on the matter, Mina. I swear.

VH: "Hey, can you tell me what happened in Whitby?"

Mina: "Of course."

VH: "Are you sure? Women are too stupid to remember important details."

What the fuck is wrong with you sir. What the fuck. What the fuck is wrong with you. God, he's so fucking annoying. Oh my goooood. You came to her to ask questions, you are not allowed to follow up your plea for answers with "but I don't expect you to know anything since you're a ditzy woman."

And instead of ripping him a new one, Mina tells him she has a journal. But he already knows about the journal. He knows that Mina was writing everything down the same way he knows Lucy started a diary to imitate Mina. So, it's even more than "Your puny woman brain can't possibly hold that much information" it's that AND "I know you keep a journal, but women only write silly women things in their journals, nothing worth reading"

rrrrgrrrr i'm fucking strangling him to DEATH bro

Mina gets to prank him a bit, but the message doesn't stick. Giving him her shorthand diary is a "don't fuck with me" that he greets with "haha can you read to me like a woman does?"

And the entire time, when he isn't insulting her for being a woman, he's trying to flatter her because he thinks she's a vain child. He did the same with Lucy. Mina tells him off passively "you don't know me" and he insists that he's studied the behaviour of men and women, so he does know her, and any drop-of-the-hat judgement he makes of her is fuckin God's word.

ugh there's just too much to say. Van Helsing's benevolent sexism is practically more offensive to read than malicious sexism. At least malicious sexists can admit they're bags of dicks.

[bonebabbles]

A Forest Divided: BEGIN

I'm so happy im finally at the book where Clear Sky's mom calls him a bitch. I cannot wait for this. I'm kept alive on fumes.

Also wolf mention;

This is less "ecological nitpick" and more wondering what they think of wolves? DOTC is like... a weird mix of America and England. Appalachian Scafells. Scaffalachia.

Wolves are extinct in England but we do have them in America... though I'm not sure if we had them between 1910 - 1950, when DOTC takes place.

Anyway, big dream thing again where all the leaders are called together so StarClan can hand them the plot again. This moment stands out;

fuck you mean, "If he hadn't let her leave"? She left because he was getting people killed, throwing disabled people out of his Clan, and fighting with her publicly while bossing her around, why the hell are you phrasing it as "LET HER LEAVE"?? She left BECAUSE you were so controlling

"If only I had been even worse u_u" -Clear Sky

Anyway the StarClan cats are angry that no one has followed their vague order to "grow and spread." ok. At the very least, we get to watch Clear Sky get yelled at by a baby so that's cool

"It's so good to see you, my very first fridged girl :D"

"FUCK YOURSELF SIDEWAYS"

I love you Fluttering Bird, BEST Quiet Rain kit, no contest, I love you I love you I love you.

Clear Sky sees everyone hanging out with each other in the dream but no one wants to talk to him, and for the FIRST time, EVER, SOMEONE FINALLY TELLS HIM IT IS HIS FAULT.

This is building up to how he needs a wife though, btw. Star Flower is a reward for being good now, so he'll have "someone to care for him" and defend him against the horrible ordeal of People Being Mad At Him. She is an object for Clear Sky's narrative.

As cathartic as it is that finally, someone's mad at him, you're supposed to feel bad that they're being so harsh. To the dictator. Who got more than half of the dead cats in this dream killed.

I'm not being hyperbolic about the wife-thing btw. That's just what's written.

Spoiler alert for the rest of the book: He tries to control his family again and they say no, because what he's supposed to do is find contentedness in Star Flower. His new wife. She becomes a Clear Sky Stan and acts as a writer mouthpiece for how cool and strong he is.

And THAT. THAT is why they were always going to waste Star Flower. They aren't telling a story about how Clear Sky is just like One Eye, and that he effectively got out-dictator'd by a bigger boot, and that he has to reflect on that. No, they're playing this completely straight, One Eye was a point of reference. He's what ""EVIL"" is supposed to look like, to contrast Clear Sky, who was NOT evil.

So they don't think there COULD BE a person who encourages his worse instincts, the way the fandom wants Star Flower to do. He doesn't HAVE worse instincts, his ""abuse"" was just love misapplied. Or, more accurately, it can't be abuse if it was based in real love.

Star Flower is not a person. She is a sexy lamp for Clear Sky to win.

[imzsuzsis-blog]

"I'm fucking gay" I said to myself sometimes louder, sometimes quietly, unfortunately I think several people heard the loud part because they were looking at me, especially Danny was running after me. "Lando, are you grumpy for saying that? Because everyone hears it.” "I am, and when we broke up I was even grumpier, leave me alone, if you want me to, I'm still pregnant with twins from Ollie." Ollie Bearman? What the hell have you been doing?” Danny stopped me from speaking, then tears appeared on my face and I ran away crying. ,,Lokiii where are you????? I want to go back to the fucking fucking hotel!!!!! I can not stand!!!!" I started hitting his chest shaking and throwing up again. "Relax Lando, there are only free training sessions with a break between them." ,, BELIEVE I'M NOT EXCITED I WANT TO GO BACK THERE I HATE IT HERE FUCK ME!!!!" "Deep air says I can do it in myself." "I can do it, I believe in myself, even if I carry two beans Jankó." "MR Norris, we need to talk about beans after training." "No, and I will not have an abortion, this is the final decision, sir." "If he plays for the suspension, then the game has begun." "I'm afraid, Loki, they're not only idiots, they're also strict and they give diets that are impossible or borderline impossible to follow, on top of that they constantly measure our weight and check how much we exercise every day, it's no longer sick, it's fucking pathological."

I leaned against the wall with tears in my eyes and could only scream at the top of my lungs. Leave it!!!! I won't get into that fucking car if they force me to do so at gunpoint." "Well, come in." "Will, Jon, no, these fuckers up there don't even know what I want or what I feel, so no, I'm going to have someone else take my place today and this year." "Leave him for real." "Dude, what will happen to me? We had such a good time together, but what about the photography?" "I'll take photos of the little ones or I don't know if we move to the new place, but the fact that I won't stay in Monaco is fixed." "Do you want to move?" "Yes, everyone has been obsessed with me for a long time, when they see a girl next to me, the tabloids say she's my new girl, when I fuck the boys I loved it, I hate being there." "We understand. Where?" Burying my face in my hands, I started to cry even more and shook my head. "I don't have the faintest idea where America might come into question, I don't know, New York especially Upper, Miami, Los Angeles, but back to England and Bristol and its surroundings or London, I don't have an idea yet, but it's far from there and from the people there."

The news made my fucking blood run cold, I went to see Lando through the journalists because he just said all this in public. ,,A thousand apologies... Fuck you Lando, you said everything openly, even what you shouldn't have!!!! Now you're going to be all over the headlines because of your breakout!!!! "Osc, who excites the bitch, fuck them, they need to know what a fucking little world Formula 1 is and what a fucking little puppet we are for them that they can play with as they please and like, they can suck my dick." We didn't even pay attention, but all the cameras took us and everyone took pictures of us, and even Lando gave them the fucking horse. ,,This is serious? You know you can't say." "Yes, fuck me, just like I'm tired of shit, I'm not acting anymore here, if that's what I want, I'll go to a fucking casting and I don't care how many weeks I am, I'll do it if I get in, okay, but no, as a child, if you didn't know, I was a child actor . Stupid child and I would choose this place over the shitty place right now. Get it.” I ran after him and slapped him. "You know, I was also a child actor, but now it's not about that, it's about what you said shouldn't have happened."

"Child actor, Child actor" I muttered to myself and looked for a cigarette in my back pocket, and for my lip ink, "mhhh Benefit is expensive but... How seriously did you take Oscar from me and throw it away?" Your good fucking mother!!!!!!” I took it out and imitated a fake kick in the ass, and he showed me how the hell you put on makeup if you can't see it. "Because if only you knew that I've been doing this since I was fourteen." ,,Landooooo fuck fourteen???? Are you screwed???? Good tests, huh?” I showed him it was full of liquid flavoring, it was undrinkable and the color was strange, it didn't smell like anything, but it did have a sparkle. "Liquid highliter and put it down, it flows very well." ,,This? It has bristles, but it's also cool." ,,That mascara and eyebrow gel, put my fucking make-up stuff down Osc this is fucking not funny!!!!! That's my contour stick, my foundation, concealer, bronzer, that's my fucking blush, that's my eyeshadow palette, and put it all down. Damn" "Good, okay..." I left Lando, who was just putting some cream on himself. "MR Piastri, where is his teammate?" "I don't know, I think he's already gone with him boyfriend, he has a date today, he said he went there, sir, I can't give him an interview, I'm sorry." I ran back panting with messy hair. ,,What's wrong?" "Fuck the fucking gossip press and they're asking about you." We looked outside and a good number of people gathered, none of us dared to go outside when ten minutes later we heard a knock. "I'm Loki, may I come in?" ,.Of course it is." "This is a fucking crowd, what the hell happened?" "I don't know either, except that some asshole asked me where Lando was, and I lied and saved the best and said that he was on a date with his friend, so I thought he wasn't here anymore." "Oscar, you bastard, we're going down because of you, everyone will know that me and Lando are a couple!!!" "Good, but I didn't tell you he was pregnant." "You wordy bastard Australian, can't you be like that?" "Get me, I'm confessing to them, you scumbags" I ran out angrily, slammed the door behind me and instead did everything against myself, kept my mouth shut, "I'm telling you he's on a date with his partner, leave him alone and on top of that, Lando Norris is gay, so he's not with a girl if they ask you idiots !!!!!” I looked in my phone and all the gossip sites were full of me, "Formula 1 driver Lando Norris is gay." I ran after Oscar, but I didn't really see spit anywhere, "Kill Oscar Piastri, you're bisexual or stupid!!!!" I felt Loki's palm on my back, bit my lip and killed him, "Fucking big scandal and it started as I predicted." "Yes, but I think we should go because I have a reservation at the restaurant at nine in the evening."

[suchalonelysunflower]

The Man Who Can't be Moved (a.i)

You, Again Spin Off

Pairing: Soulmate! Ashton Irwin x Soulmate! fem! Reader

Requested? Yes, by the amazing @littledrummerangie

Summary: Ashton is giving up on finding his soulmate after all his friends have their "happily ever after" But fate is funny... and sometimes a bitch.

Warnings: Kinda angsty feelings but with fluff. Language. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language I'm sorry)

Word Count: 4K

Author's Note: This was overdue! I had so much fun writing it! Remember the REBLOGS are super important and so are COMMENTS and INTERACTIONS please SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS. Hope you like it and happy reading 🥰🦋🌻

My masterlist // tag list in bio!

Ashton prided himself on having patience. A lot of patience, actually, growing up as the oldest child and then having a group of friends that never quite grew up from the childish mischiefs of teenagers will give you lots and lots of patience. So it took a lot for him to ever say:

“I’m done!”

Michael crooked his brow at the sudden outburst of the previously quiet man and lowered his drink.

“You haven’t even finished your sandwich,” Calum answered with a mouthful of leftover spring rolls from the night before.

“I don’t think that’s what he meant…” Michael intervened.

Ashton groaned, throwing his head back and looking at the ceiling of their break room. He didn’t mean to say that out loud, he was just thinking about it. And now Michael is looking at him with pity in his eyes.

“I’m just done!” He repeated, not caring anymore as his hands went to cover his face.

“C’mon, Ash! you can’t just give up!”

“Who’s giving up?” Luke chimed in as he entered the room with his own lunchbox, proudly wearing his new wedding band in his left hand. Ashton groaned again.

“Ashton says he’s done”

“But his sandwich is right there,”

“That’s what I said!” Calum cheered, opening up his soda can.

“Could you guys just-” Ashton groaned as he sat up again, running a hand down his face before letting out a deep breath “Nothing, forget it”

The guys looked at each other and then at their friend, not knowing what could be wrong for him to suddenly burst in the middle of a working day. Michael offered him a small smile as he put his hand over Ashton’s shoulder and gave it a supportive squeeze. Ashton nodded but didn’t lift his gaze.

“Ash, what’s wrong?” Calum asked, now concerned with his friend's attitude.

“Nothing, I’m fine”

“And I’m the king of England”

“Luke-” Michael warned with a pointed look “Ash, you can talk to us, you know?”

“I know,” He sighed “And I will if I need to- Anyway, it’s late and I got some paperwork to fill”

“But we just sat-”

Yet the words of his friends fell silent to his ears as Ashton stood up and gave his sandwich to Calum, grabbed a bottle of water, and left the break room in the middle of their lunch hour without saying another word.

If was honest with himself, he knew he acted poorly toward his friends, but he knew he would make up with them eventually. It was just hard to see them today… No, it was hard being him today.

Ashton didn’t consider himself to be a lonely man. He enjoyed the company of his friends and he got along with his other co-workers. He had a family that loved him and that he loved back; a garden filled with plants and vegetables that he proudly shows off to anyone that asked; he’s an incredible dog-sitter even when his apartment didn’t allow pets and he had to sneak them all the time. He wasn’t lonely, but there was something missing.

No, there was something wrong! He was sure about it. How could it be that he’s twenty-eight years old and has still never found his soulmate?

It wasn’t a problem before, he didn’t even think about it twice. He was more than okay with staying single or being in short relationships with people who - like him - were just waiting to meet their right match. The only thing is that Ashton’s right match seemed to have never existed at all.

The world around him seemed to mock him for that fact. It first started at Luke’s wedding, the vows he exchanged with his soulmate didn’t leave a dry eye at the ceremony, and Ashton looked with pride and a bit of jealousy at how in love the newlyweds were the whole time, feeling his heartache at the longing for something like that.

Then it happened again when he overheard Michael on the phone with his soulmate. Their story was not an easy one. With it Ashton learned about the possibility of the soulmate mark disappearing, filling his head with intrusive thoughts about what could’ve happened to his soulmate and if that’s the reason he couldn’t find them. But when he heard Michael laugh and saw him smile wider than ever when talking to her, he knew those fears were just that and, if anything, fate will come through. He was really happy for them and their new beginning.

But today was something else entirely, something he couldn’t quite control and it happened when Calum was taking his first bite of food. The image of a dove was newly marked upon his skin, and even though Ashton was more than happy that he finally found his soulmate, it also hit him with the fact that he was the last one to find his soulmate. And that broke him.

All of his friends were happy and in love. All of their partners couldn’t have been more perfect for them. And while he shares their joys, it was hard not to dwell in the pain of knowing it might not happen for him. At this point, who knows if he even has a soulmate?

*

A few minutes later after failing to quiet his mind with some paperwork that’s not due in over a week, Ashton felt something light hit his head before a ball of paper appeared bouncing on his desk. When he looked up, he found Michael smiling at him from the door.

“Real mature,” Ashton said, rolling his eyes and going back to work.

Another paper ball hit him.

“Michael!”

“Grab your coat, we’re going out,” He said before turning away.

“It’s the middle of the day!”

Michael turned around so that only his head was visible through the door - even if the walls were still made of glass.

“And I’m your boss, so if I say let’s go, you go”

A string of curses left Ashton’s mouth as he reluctantly grabbed his coat and followed after his friend, catching up with him before the elevator came.

“You know, one day you’re going to get tired of that ‘I’m your boss’ excuse and that day I’ll finally be happy”

“Mmmh yeah… nope! I don’t see that happening”

“I’m going to quit”

“Good luck with that”

“I’m serious,”

“And I’m your boss so shut the hell up and let’s go”

When the elevator hit the lobby Ashton was more than ready to kill Michael, but the latter didn’t seem to care as he hummed a little song and walked out of the building with Ashton beside him.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“We’re getting some coffee” Michael answered like it was nothing.

“We have a full-on working coffee machine at the office”

“I also want some donuts, is that a crime?”

No, but Ashton might commit one.

Still, he followed quietly, surprised to see that Michael hadn't started a conversation yet. He just kept on walking to the coffee shop a few streets down, humming the song that Ashton knows will haunt his dreams later on. But he was thankful for it.

He had to admit that this walk was not a bad idea - although a bad excuse - it helped him clear his head to be out of the office environment and away from those glass walls that create no sense of privacy. Now, he could actually breathe some fresh air and allow himself to relax.

“You’ll be okay,” Michael said, unprompted as they turned to the street of the coffee shop. Ashton looked at him, but he was smiling back already “I know you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll just say it. Your soulmate is out there somewhere and you’re going to find them. And you’ll be okay until then. You are an amazing person, Ash and anyone will be lucky to have you as their soulmate”

Ashton scoffed “Yeah right,”

“I’m serious! I believe Calum cried a little bit when he found out you two weren’t soulmates”

That made Ashton laugh and Michael considered a win, wrapping his arm around the older’s shoulders.

“If I know something about soulmates is that they come when you least expect them and are who you least expect them to be. And you, my friend, will find someone as weird as you. I promise”

Ashton pouted but still leaned his head on Michael’s shoulder as he patted his cheek like a father to his son.

“‘m not weird”

“Awww, yes you are. Do you know anyone else that lives barefoot but puts on socks to sleep?”

Michael laughed at Ashton’s offended face, opening the door to the coffee shop without really looking when someone was getting out. In a matter of seconds, this person seemed to have lost their balance when faced with two tall men hovering over the door, and they started to fall.

“Woah, hey!” Ashton said, catching the person with one hand on their waist and the other one holding them under their arm “Are you okay? Sorry about my friend here, he’s as clumsy as a…”

Yet his words got stuck in his tongue as the stranger lifted their head. If someone were to tell him that an angel appeared in front of him, he would believe them. This girl was wearing an old jersey and plain tights, her hair was wrapped in a bun under a beanie, and her face was clear of any trace of makeup. And when she looked at him, oh, Ashton could swear he had never seen those eyes before.

“No, no, I get it,” The girl said with the sweetest voice Ashton has ever heard, accompanied by a smile that made him forget his own name “I’m just glad I didn’t spill my hot chocolate all over you”

“Y-yeah! That would’ve been… something, yeah” He stumbled on his words, cursing internally at himself. Has this whole soulmate thing blocked him from ever talking to girls again?!

“Uh, thank you for catching me,” The girl said, blushing as she lowered her gaze.

“No, it’s- it’s nothing” Ashton smiled “I’m glad you’re okay and that your hot chocolate is okay”

He cringed but the girl just laughed. And god does he want to hear that sound again.

“You can - um - you can let go of me now. I promise I’m not going to fall”

Ashton’s eyes widened as he immediately let go of her “Shit! right, sorry! I promise I’m not a creep or anything! I just-”

The girl laughed again and put her hand on his shoulder, making Ashton stop his rambling at once.

“You’re fine, don’t worry about it” She smiled “Well, I got to go… see you around then?”

“Ye- yeah! See you…”

Ashton stepped back so that she could leave the coffee shop, she thanked him once more and waved goodbye as she turned the corner. Ashton stood there with a smile, waving back until she was completely out of sight.

“Well, that was painful to watch,” Michael said next to him, making him jump for he had forgotten his friend was still there “Anyway, the line is too long so we might have to go to the other one down the street if you don’t mind. Also, could you text Calum to see what donut he wants? My phone died”

Ashton rolled his eyes, taking his phone out “He’s getting the cinnamon one, he always gets the cinna-”

And there, just under his coat and under his shirt he could see something that wasn’t there before: a small black line barely making it out under the amount of fabric.

Immediately, Ashton pushed back his sleeves and gasped. There it was, a beautiful butterfly taking flight in the middle of his wrist. His soulmate mark.

“Holy fuck!” The two men exclaimed before Ashton turned around and ran in the direction the girl went.

He looked around the sea of people, trying to catch a glimpse of her. She couldn’t have gone far? Unless she had a car or took an Uber… No, she must live nearby, or at least he hoped she would. He just had to find her before it was too late! He had to at least know her name!

But she was nowhere to be found. Not in the streets or at the stores. And if Ashton wasn’t feeling down before, he sure as hell was now. Still, he knew he would see her again. So, he walked back to the coffee shop, defeated and with no motivation… until something on the floor caught his eye.

“Hey, you’re back! Have you found her?” Michael asked when he saw his friend come back.

“Nope,” Ashton sighed “But I got this!” In his hand, he held a beanie, but not just any beanie, it was the beanie she was wearing. Now, he was smiling “It must’ve flown away because of the wind!”

“Great! Now how are you going to give it to her?”

Ashton opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it when he realized he hadn’t had the foggiest idea.

“Maybe she’ll be back for it? I can wait for her here, I’ll just ask Calum to bring me my laptop so I can continue working… if that’s okay with you”

Michael shrugged “Fine by me! It’s your soulmate. But are you sure you’re going to wait for her to come back?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s a coffee shop. How hard can it be?”

*

Answer: Very.

The first day was easy. Calum and Luke practically sprinted toward the coffee shop once Ashton told them what happened and were very invested in the details. Michael had to go back to the office but allowed the boys to stay there and meet Ashton’s soulmate once she came back.

The problem is she didn’t come back that day.

Or the day after that.

Or the day after that one.

Ashton has taken it upon himself to bring his laptop every day and work from the coffee shop - a perk of having the boss as a best friend, one could say. He was there at 8 am when they opened and stayed till past 9 pm when they closed, and only then did he go home after the manager calmly explained to him that if he’d stay there any longer, he’d have to call the police. Always with the beanie next to him in case she were to appear.

At lunchtime he’d be joined by the guys, always offering the same sad smile and a shake of his head when they arrive to confirm that his soulmate has not come back yet.

“It’s been three days, Ash,” Calum says “Are you sure that’s her beanie?”

“I’m sure,” Ashton answered tiredly, playing with the piece of fabric with his hands. “Caitlyn says she comes around often, but not every day. So I’m sure it’s just a matter of time now”

“Who’s Caitlyn?”

“The second shift barista, she’s the one that bakes the cupcakes”

“Are you familiar with everyone in the shop?” Luke asked, Ashton, chuckled.

“Mostly, yeah! The first shift barista is Alan, he’s studying design so I might’ve found us a new intern by the end of the year. Lucy is the head baker, but she has Caitlyn and Jossie to help her during the day. The manager’s name is Greg and he’s always helping and doesn’t charge me for water refills”

“You’re spending half your salary in this shop every day so you’re not kicked out, they better not charge you for freaking water!” Michael commented under his breath.

“And the regulars. I don’t know their names but they are here every day around the same time” Ashton shrugged “I could be waiting in worse places, to be honest”

“As long as you’re sure…”

“Calum, I’ve waited all my life to meet my soulmate, what’s a day more? or a month? or a year?” He smiled “I finally know she’s out there somewhere, and she could come back any day now. I’ve lost her once and I’m not about to do it again”

And so he waited. And waited. And waited…

Every day he’d come back and fuel his caffeine addiction. On Saturday he decided to bring a book that he managed to finish. Jossie also offered him to try their new carrot cake for free and let him decide if it was good enough to put on the menu. Every once in a while his eyes would drift to the door, hoping to see her there and wondering what he would say once they are face to face again.

Is she thinking of him as well? Hoping to see him around town, maybe? Did she wonder where he could be right now, not knowing that he was waiting right there in the place where they met a few days ago when he discovered the beautiful mark on his wrist?

He thought it was ironic that he got a butterfly for a soulmate mark, knowing they don’t last long in the wild but are a wonderful spectacle to look at from afar. The first moment he got with his soulmate was just a glimpse of what could be, and now he’s hoping, praying even, to get to see it again.

Even on Sunday when the coffee shop was closed, he still went there and sat by the door. This time he convinced Calum to come with him and bring some drinks and snacks as they waited in the cold for hours to no avail. She still didn’t show up and now Cal had a runny nose and a cough.

But he didn’t lose hope. Every day at closing time, Caitlyn and Greg would come to say goodbye, saying how sorry they are that she didn’t show up yet. Ashton just smiled at them.

“She will. I know she will, I can feel it”

However, that feeling started to turn into worry when the one-week mark rolled around. This time his friends were already waiting for him inside the coffee shop, and Ashton knew what it meant.

“For the love of god, not an intervention”

Luke pulled up a cue card “Ashton, you are my friend and I love you very much -”

“Michael, is this your idea?”

“Hey!” Luke protested “At least let me finish before you interrupt me, I have some pretty nice stuff to say about you”

Ashton sighed and shook his head.

“Okay, fine! I get it, and you’re right. I should stop this and just go home and hope that fate will let us meet again”

“Ash-”

“But the thing is I’ve waited for fate to come around. For years I’ve waited to meet her and when I finally do, fate comes around and pushes her away from me! If I can’t trust fate then I’ll create my own. And the only solution for me was to just wait for her and see what happens because if my fate is so cruel to never let me see her again, it won’t be for a lack of trying on my part. You all have your soulmates and your happily ever afters, I just- I just thought that maybe this was the way to mine…”

When he looked back up, he saw the understanding on his friends’ faces.

“Ash, you know this isn’t healthy,” Luke said, taking a step closer and patting him on the back.

“I know,” He replied “But today marks a week, so boss? Is it okay if I stay here today and go back to the office tomorrow?”

Michael rolled his eyes “Of course, buddy. In fact, if she manages to show up today, you’ll have the rest of the week free”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then dinner and drinks on me”

When the guys left, Ashton walked up to the counter and made his regular order for breakfast. Alan smiled at him and gave him a cookie for their one-week anniversary. Ashton smiled and thanked him before going back to his usual spot and opening his laptop to start working. Maybe if he’s distracted by work the day could go faster.

The doors of the coffee shop opened and closed many times during the next few hours, but none of them caught Ashton’s eye for none of them were her. His hope was starting to falter as the morning grew into an early afternoon when the doors of the shop opened again.

“Excuse me?” He heard someone say and he froze in place “I think I might’ve left my beanie here a week ago? I was wondering if-”

Immediately Caitlyn shouted “Oh my god! Ashton!”

If that embarrassment wasn’t enough already, Ashton cringed before looking toward the counter. He didn’t see Caitlyn’s eyes gleaming with joy, or heard Greg’s thunderous claps, or even paid attention to Jossie and Lucy’s heads peeking from the kitchen window. All he could see was his soulmate looking back at him with an incredulous smile and dressed in a stewardess uniform.

Oh.

She made his way back to him at the same time he got up from his chair and met her halfway. The two of them were speechless, to say the least.

“Hi,”

“Hey!”

They both said at the same time and blushed. The girl looked away but Ashton could not stop staring at her, marveling at the sight. She was real, she was real and she was here in front of him!

“I- um… I got this for you” He said, reaching behind him and picking up her beanie from the table “I found it on the street the other day, and - yeah, I thought you might want it back”

The girl could barely hold her smile, carefully taking the beanie out of his hands.

“Thank you,”

“I also wanted to ask if you - well, if you got a -”

The girl laughed as she raised her hand and pulled on the sleeves of her coat, showcasing a perfect replica of Ashton’s butterfly as her soulmate mark. Ashton giggled and showed her his arm, letting the butterflies touch as they found each other again.

“I think we have a lot to talk about,” She said, smiling up at him “Ashton, right?”

“Yes, and you are…?”

“Y/N”

“Beautiful,” He couldn’t help but say, blushing at her smile.

“What a coincidence we find each other here again, huh?”

Ashton was about to answer but Greg beat him to it as he yelled “He’s been waiting here all week!”

If he ever wished for the earth to swallow him whole, now would be the right time for that wish to come true as he glared at Greg with panicked eyes. Y/N, on her part, turned to him with wide eyes and parted lips.

“You-”

“Look, I’m sorry,” Ashton apologized. “I never got your name and when I realized you were, well, my soulmate and then I found your beanie I just- I just thought that maybe I’d see you again when you came around for another hot chocolate?”

“You waited here for me for a whole week? I’ve been working, flying all over the country I never thought - Oh my god, I am the worst, aren’t I?”

“Huh?”

“I knew I should’ve come back the moment I noticed the mark! But I was already late for the airport and, well, I never thought someone could do these kinds of things for me. I’m so, so sorry I made you wait”

“What? no, no, no! Not at all!” Ashton instinctively went to cup her cheek, making her rambling stop in a second “I would’ve waited a hundred more days if it meant I’d get to see you again”

Y/N placed her hand on top of his and sighed “Could I maybe make it up to you over lunch? And we’ll get to know each other better”

Ashton laughed “You took the words right out of my mouth, angel. But…”

“Yeah?”

“Could we have lunch somewhere else? I’m kind of tired of the smell of coffee”

“Of course!” She smiled, grabbing Ashton by the hand and leading him out the door “My car is right there at the corner, would you mind coming with me and waiting five minutes so I can leave my luggage at home before we go?”

Ashton gave a slight tug on her hand and brought her closer.

“No problem. I’m a very patient man”

* * tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @bubblegum183 @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @vtte @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @hfkait @savagejane1 @youneedtocalumdown @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @cncoangelss @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @lendeluxe

[ghostjelliess]

Saw a bunch of posts recently talking about how saying sorry all the time can be a sign of emotional abuse and, as a Michigander living in New England, here are a few other super common meanings of sorry:

• move.

• you're in the way.

• pay attention, bro.

• what are you doing?

• who the fu-????

• that's my bad.

• thanks.

• excuse me.

• no, I don't have time for this.

• do I know you? No.

• don't judge me, I'm doing something.

• no I don't need help, let me struggle in peace!

• I am in the way, but I noticed you, so by the laws of sorry you can't be that mad.

• STFU you stupid-ass mfing bloated bag of beef.

• that was a nice warning, don't you see the twitching? Bout to go off on a bitch.

• that joke was mean but funny and accurate, I just didn't mean to say it out loud.

Sorry is an accusation, a command, and a judgement. I cannot help the disdain in my eyes when a New Englander laughs at me for what they think is apologizing, and I turn on the translator cus they ain't gonna get it, so I sound kinda deranged as I ride by like: "sorry, sorry? Sorry, 'scuse me- I mean wtf, move! Are you stupid? You're walking down the middle of the path on a blind curve you dumbass donkey." And then they laugh and move, like what?

Sorry is the prequel, a call for attention, a chance to get yourself right before it's God you're explaining yourself to. No more pity replies, just move yourself or your cart/buggy/carriage out the way, and ope, sorry is all you'll have to hear.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I watched Crimson Peak recently and saw another post here asking you about it, so since I'm new to this, I'm also going to do the same if thats ok.

I had almost no clue about what i was going to watch, except for the fact that Thomas (aka Tom Hiddleston) is in a relationship with his weird sister, so that didn't really come as a surprise. The way the movie escalated had so many contradictions, Edith's pureness versus the sickening situation that grew in Thomas' family. It bothered me a whole evening how I couldn't make out a satisfying explanation or message this movie wanted to express. I mean other than discovering the truth behind the mystery and empathising with Tom Hiddleston's character. Was that really it? A horror movie having fun with how much a human's boundaries can be stretched? I mean, I liked the movie, at least i thought it was horrifyingly beautiful before it started being violent. That kind of left me with a bitter feeling.

So my question is, could the actual plot twist of the movie be that the WHOLE movie from the moment Thomas appeared was just Edith's imagination? Edith wanted to write a ghost novel, but got rejected because of the lack of romance in it. The existence of the ghosts wasn't really explained in the movie and i know the house in England is supposed to be cursed, but the ghost Edith sees in her own house in the US didn't really make sense. In a love scene, Edith mentions how her characters talk to her or something, she says how personal writing is to her anyway. So could she have come up with everything? And what we're seeing is her imagination, the improved version of her turned down novel? Because for a horror movie there was quite a lot of complicated relationships going on. I don't know, does that idea sound alright? Btw i had expected Thomas wouldn't make it alive through the end, but his death scene was so shocking, i had to pause to process it, it was so sad what he was made to do and how he ended up punished for trying to do the good thing even under such conditions.

Glad you gave it a go!

Personally, I don't think it has a moral or message- not all stories do. It's sort of, to be meme-y about it, "Wouldn't This Be Fucked Up? with Guillermo Del Toro." I think there are a lot of interesting themes to consider, though, including:

Love as a constructive vs. destructive force (Thomas and Lucille- yes, both of them, her by action and him by willful inaction -did horrible things for love of each other. Thomas loves Edith, and both drags her nearly to her death AND ultimately saves her because of it. Edith and Alan love each other platonically, and save/fight for each other- even as loving Edith gets Alan serious injured. Carter loves Edith, but his decision to shelter her dooms him and almost her too. Etc.)

Generational trauma (the Sharpes became Like This because of their parents' abuse, but have now turned abusers themselves even as they try to make their lives better)

Not trusting appearances (on a pretty basic level- the ghosts look scary but are mostly helpful; Edith looks sweet and delicate but will not hesitate to Shovel A Bitch if necessary)

Changing roles of women and feminine ideals at the turn of the 20th century. this I really want to write an essay about, so I'll leave it at that

Conventions of Gothic storytelling

Why Are We So Inclined To Forgive Thomas More Readily Than Lucille When, All Things Considered, He's Really Not That Much Better? (Sure, he saved Edith and Alan, but he's never bestirred himself for the other innocents they've slaughtered. And why did he bring a woman he at least liked into all this, anyway? Not to mention making and serving the first pot of poisoned tea Edith drank.)

(seriously if you get into the character bios Del Toro wrote for the actors during filming and later posted on his Twitter, Thomas' Certified Rancidness shines even more. He gave no kind of damn about his first three wives' deaths, found and lured Enola himself with no input from Lucille, and was overjoyed when he got Lucille pregnant. I love the man but he is a poor little meow meow in every sense)

Is The Fate Of Each Sharpe's Ghost ~Divine Justice~ Or Simply Their Own Willingness/Inability To Move On? Which Would Be More Emotionally Affecting?

[infomercial voice] and so much more!!!

That being said, I've considered the same theory you had! At the very least, it would make an interesting AU

(also the ghost in Edith’s house was her mother; I’m pretty sure she explicitly said that. as for why the ghosts exist...it’s a ghost movie? not really sure what else to tell you there.)

[stark-park]

I'VE JUST HAD TOP SURGERY! OMG! Can't believe it finally happened!

If anyone's curious, here's the timeline of my journey so far:

Referral to gender clinic sent via NHS England: April 2019

East of England gender clinic called: Jan 2022

Had 4-5 calls with clinic: Jan 2022 - May 2024

Jan 2022 = 1st call to take me off Tavistock list and onto EoE list. 2nd call week later to talk with them about myself, dysphoria, how long felt trans, where I fall on trans scale and how I see my gender, and most importantly: what I want from them, etc

Later 2022 = 3rd call that went through same things as 2nd but with a different person so they could compare notes and confirm gender dysphoria/incongruence diagnosis.

In both calls with the clinic, I expressed that my main dysphoria was with my chest and the thought of going on hormones beforehand would exacerbate feelings so I wanted to pursue top surgery (removal of breasts) first.

In both calls, I was asked if I had socially transitioned, who I'd told, how it made me feel, and experience that affirmed this was the correct path for me, etc. I had come out to my work as non-binary with a shortened version of my birth name. I knew this was temporary until I took the plunge and changed my name (ADHD procrastination is a bitch 😂)

August 2022 = I socially changed my name and confirmed the pronouns I'd like to be called. It didn't really come as a shock to anyone tbh, which was good. I think this was before my 3rd call with clinic, so I was able to tell them my new name.

Feb 2023 = I legally changed my name (big up the ADHD procrastination and finally the impulse to just DO IT!). I did this via Deedpoll and had 2 colleagues/friends sign as witnesses. I chose them as they had easy to understand jobs so would look more official than unemployed or self-owned company person.

March 2023 (I think) = I had my 4th call with the clinic, this was specifically for top surgery. They asked me about what kind I wanted, who/where I wanted to go with, if I understood the risks etc. I answered all bar who/where as I didn't have anyone bar really old names that I'd seen from YouTube. I asked them to send me a list so I could choose.

April 2023 = I chose My Andrew (Andy) Mellington at Nuffield Health in Brighton as my surgeon. I'm considered obese so I wanted a realistic BMI goal. Most wanted a BMI of 30 so I didn't even look at them (this was based off comments I'd see on social media, with some people saying a few surgeons weren't very nice), whereas his, and Mr Kneeshaw (I think) accepted a limit of 35 BMI. This was far more attainable for me. I did email them both (details on their websites to info emails can be found easily) and enquired. Mellington's team came back to me the next day asking me to send questions to a specific person, they then came back very quickly (same/next day). I'm still yet to hear back from Kneeshaw 😂 (a friend of a friend went with him which is why I considered him, but Mellington was quicker, had good reviews on social media and I was able to find someone who had my body shape, pictures, and replied to me! So that consolidated my decision.)

Aug 2023 = official referral from EoE gender clinic was sent to Nuffield requesting Mellington to take me on.

Nuffield team called me to confirm consultation date: early January 2024

At this point the team also sent a short form for me to fill in and requested pictures of my chest

Consult with Andy Mellington: late Feb 2024

I didn't expect him to talk about much of my trans experience tbh but he did ask a little (how long felt like this, how did you know etc.) before he then ran through what I requested and what I should expect

I asked for double masectomy. Due to my weight and size of breasts, this was 1 of a few options. Andy said looking at my chest pictures, it's likely my scars would be so close in the middle that to achieve a flatter chest, 1 long scar was gonna be best to avoid leaving a bulge in the middle.

I chose not to have nipples grafted. This was for a few reasons. 1. I don't like when I can see them through my shirt (big dysphoria). 2. I've watched a lot of vids of trans people's recovery and the nips are the grossest (they get removed and reattached so healing is a bit longer/itchier etc than just the main scar). 3. Someone said they were scared of scratching them off and uh...yeah that didn't help. 4. I saw vids of other people with no nips and it looked fine, there's gonna be a big ol' scar on ya chest so it's not like there's nothing to look at.

Andy did reassure that he's never had any nipples fall off of his patients, if that's what I was worried about too. But honestly, I just don't want them. And if I decide later that I want something there, then I could choose to get them tattooed on.

Nuffield team called to confirm surgery date: mid-March 2024

Date of surgery: 30th May 2024

Pre-assessment call 14th May 2024

Call from Nuffield team. Went through medical history and confirmed what needed to be done about getting bloods taken

Pre-assessment appointment: 21st May 2024

Went to my nearest Nuffield hospital (1 hour away) and had blood taken and MRSA swabs. Team were really nice and welcoming.

I got ill for a month and half so had to reschedule my surgery 😭: May 17th 2024

It was rescheduled: late Aug 24 but I asked to be kept on the list if anyone else cancelled, I was then re-rescheduled for late July 2024

And now, it's August! It's done!

In morning of July date, discharged the next morning.

2 week post-op meeting with Nuffield team will come. I will be able to take my binder off, they will check my scars. Expected to be about 30 minutes, can be in person or virtual (I was advised virtual is absolutely fine as I live far away, Andy was happy with results and no nips meant better recovery).

Then I have a gender clinic appointment expected around April 2025 to possible talk hormones.

It's been a long time to wait, and that's without all the dysphoria that comes with living in the wrong body for so long, but my god am I so relieved right now. It's (pun fully intended) such a weight off my chest!

[canirove]

Ten years | Chapter 6

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

Having to stay home with nothing to do and with a useless hand, sucks. I'm up to date with all my tv shows and have read all the unfinished books I had, which means that I need something new. Lucky me, all the fashion magazines just came out, so a quick trip to the shop won't do me any harm. Or that's what I thought.

"Look who is up and running" Birgit says behind me.

"Hello, Birgit" I say, not turning to look at her.

"How are you feeling? Is your hand still looking disgusting?"

"It's getting there" I say, lifting it and letting her see my blisters.

"Eww. Poor Benjamin. Have you given him a handjob with that?"

"Excuse me?" I say, finally turning around to look at her.

"It must feel so... Rough. I hope you are good with your left hand too. Or at whatever else it is you do. A man like him deserves it."

"Don't you have anywhere else to be? Like maybe buying new self tan? You have some missing patches on your legs" I say, pointing at them.

"I honestly don't know what they see in you."

"I could say the same about you."

"You are so pathetic" she says, taking a step closer to me. "You think you are above everyone else because you worked in Paris, but look at you. You are just a waitress."

"I actually am a pub owner and a waitress."

"Both are as pathetic."

"Yeah, because what you do is much better, isn't it? Wait, what is it that you do? Oh, yeah, nothing. You just follow Declan around and waste his money on ugly clothes."

"How dare you!" she says raising her voice and catching the attention of other costumers. "I already warned you once, but I'll do it again. And this is the last time. Stay away from Declan. He is mine."

"He is a person, not a tacky bag. You can own him."

"Watch me!" she says, doing a quick flip as she leaves and almost hitting me on the face with her hair.

"Bitch" I say under my breath.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"Look who is here. England's best midfielder!"

"Hello" Declan says to the guys who just called after him.

"Why don't you have a drink with us?" one of them asks.

"Maybe later."

"We'll be waiting for you!"

"Hello" he says when he meets me at the counter.

"Hi."

"Shouldn't you be resting your hand?"

"It has rested enough, and Lily needed help."

"Do you mind if we go somewhere to talk?"

"Talk?" I say, finally lifting my eyes from the papers I was checking and looking at him.

"It's important" he says. And judging by how serious he looks, it must be.

"Ok. Let's go to the office."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Your encounter with Birgit earlier today" he says, crossing his arms over his chest. "I thought you had moved on from being a bitch to her."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. She arrived home crying, saying that you had called her a whore in front of everyone at the shop."

"I did not do that."

"She said everyone was looking at her and whispering when she left."

"That may be because it was us talking, which on its own is big gossip. But maybe it was because just before she left, she was yelling at me?" I say, also crossing my arms.

"Because you called a whore. Said that she was with me only because of my money."

"Fucking liar! She has twisted everything!"

"Has she?" Declan says, arching an eyebrow.

"Yes, she has."

"Didn't you make fun of her body? Again?"

"I just told her that she needed to retouch her tan."

"With those exact words?"

"Fine, no. Not with those exact words. And I regret talking about her body the other day, I shouldn’t have said it."

"Thank you for admitting it."

"But I didn't call her a whore. That's a lie. And she was the one who started it all, not me!"

"How? She said she was just buying some magazines when you started mocking her."

"Oh my God!" I say, lifting my arms in the air. "That was what she did to me! I was buying some magazines, and she came to me, asking about my hand and then saying that it looked disgusting."

"Birgit?"

"Yes, Birgit. She kept making ugly faces while looking at my hand, and then she..."

"She what?"

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. You won't believe me, so" I shrug. "Looks like dating a brainless Barbie has also turned you into a brainless Ken."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

"Oh, c'mon!" he says. "You want me to believe you when you are saying those things? Being mean for no reason?"

"For no reason? Declan, she's manipulating you, using you! But for God knows what reason, you can't see it."

"You know what I can see? That the girl I almost married 10 years ago is gone. Or that maybe she didn't exist, and that this is the real you. The mean and selfish girl who only cares about herself, and doesn't give a shit about the people around her, if she hurts them or not, as long as she gets what she wants."

"Fuck you, Declan!" I shout, the people at the pub definitely hearing me. "Get out of my business, I don't want to see you here ever again!"

"Are you forbidden me the entrance or something?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing."

"Fine!" he says, opening the door and shutting it down with enough strength to leave it shaking.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"Dom, I'm leaving."

"Where?"

"Out. I need to do something with this anger."

"Please don't go to Declan's house. You already made a scene today, we don't need another one."

"I'm not going there, I'm not an idiot."

"Then where are you going?"

"To see if Claire's theory actually works."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━        

"That was... Wow."

"I know" I say, getting in bed next to Benjamin after refreshing myself.

"But are you sure you were out of practice? Because it didn't feel like it. At all."

"I was. I promise."

"Wow" he laughs.

"You already said that" I say, playing with his earring.

"It's the only word that can describe it."

"Where did you get this?"

"Uh?" he says, turning to look at me.

"This earring, the one with the cross. I really like it."

"On a trip to NY. I actually have another pair, you can have them."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Are we gonna have matching earrings?" I chuckle.

"Why not? They would look so cute on those tiny ears of yours."

“They aren’t tiny.”

"They are. Tiny and very edible" he says, biting my earlobe.

"Benjamin!" I say, laughing.

"You taste really good. So good…" he says, now kissing my neck. "Ready for round two?"

"Ready."

[danikaheart]

Warnings: English is my third language, also I'm not a historian, so there may be some missing or incomplete facts. All I can promise is that I tried my best.

As a big Anne Boleyn simp (yes, I'm a basic  bitch judge me however you want) I read a lot of books and articles about her and one thing that always comes up is the fact that Anne brought french fashion to the English court.

This led me to ask myself "what the fuck was French fashion?"

"Oh Danni, you silly little hoe. They mean French hood!" Some of you might answer and you wouldn't be wrong or at least not completely wrong 'cause yes I'm a silly little hoe and French hoods were obviously part of the fashion but they weren't the only trend at the time. So I started searching for answers. Google search brought bigger nothing than my existence to humanity so I had to go a little deeper and make my own conclusions.

English fashion:

•darker colors- Black and red combination was especially popular

• heavy embroidery

• Furs (it was a cold period thanks to the Little Ice Age)

• Popular fabrics: Cotton, wool, linen, velvet, silk

• Gable hood

French fashion:

• Lighter almost pastel colors, black was   mostly combined with white

• neckline or should I say shoulder line is a bit lower

• Not so heavy embroidery or no at all

• Popular fabrics: Silk, Satin, velvet

• Influenced by Italian and German Fashion

• French hood

There's a misconception that it was Anne Boleyn who brought French hoods to England. That's not true (that's why I called misconception, duh) it was Henry's sister Mary who brought it to England, Anne just popularised it. From the begging, French fashion was a controversial subject in an English court, many saw it as indecent. The French hood caused the most heated discussions because of the "Immoral" amount of hair it was showing.

One of my favorite movies Anne of the Thousand Days utilized these facts perfectly in its costuming. Catalina de Aragon is shown wearing the old style, she's an established figure in her court there's no need for her to experiment or find a new style (even though she wears a French hood in the movie, in real life Catalina wore it only a few times). Anne o the other hand is young, she is like a breath of fresh air, and she wears what she wants not carrying about what others may think of her.

This changes during her trial when she switches to the English style to appear more seriously.

So that's it for now I guess

[strangedreamings]

E6 still. "He is well." I can't decide if Charlotte is naïve or just optimistic.

Agatha vs Augusta, round number whatever. Just go to Charlotte directly, Agatha. The china they're using is striking. Augusta is desperate for relevancy. Unless she has power over people -- Agatha, George, Charlotte -- then she knows she's got absolutely nothing. No leverage, nothing to continue her power. Being just The King's Mother would be a pretty title but in the end, it's empty without power of her own, and that's what she's afraid of.

Would it be so bad to just make Augusta wait forever?

"I am your queen." FUCKING FINALLY!

"This is on you now." Oh fuck off, Augusta. I mean, yeah, she's right, but doesn't have to be a bitter bitch about it.

"Did you never marry?" Charlotte, the fact that you have to ask this after knowing this man for DECADES says a lot about you, none of it good.

Young Agatha, you are a horrid liar but Charlotte isn't perceptive enough to realize it. Just tell her. You don't need to go through Augusta to get the king to make the earldom inheritable. (I'm still mad about Shonda getting the title wrong, it's an earldom, dammit.) Oh lord, Agatha. You were willing to draw for Charlotte every sexual position you know in graphic detail but you won't tell her exactly how much childbirth hurts? It's amazing their relationship survives that.

Oh lord, we're back to Older Violet and Older Agatha. They're in public, I'm praying they don't cause a scene. God, this subplot is never-ending. Agatha and Adolphus? Is she lying or did that happen off-screen? I'm leaning towards lying. Presumably, both Lord Ledger and Adolphus are dead by this point, so I guess it doesn't really matter who Agatha says she had a relationship with. Oh, I guess she really was with Adolphus.

"out of mourning" Yeah, Shonda greatly reduced the traditional mourning period to move the plot along -- Agatha should have been officially mourning her husband (wearing only black and not socializing) for two years. Honestly, Bridgertonverse is an imitation of Georgian Era life, some parts better than others.

I can understand why they'd want the father to wait outside (childbirth death rates were HIGH and the last thing the doctor needs is a freaked-out husband getting in the way) but he really should be in there with her.

"Do you like being Archbishop of Canterbury? Would you like to remain Archbishop of Canterbury? Do you believe you can remain Archbishop by defying the Head of the Church of England?" Good for George for pulling that rank (he probably doesn't get the chance very often).

This doctor would've let Charlotte and baby Georgie die if everything had been left up to him, fuck him.

Augusta, you're a grandmother now, at least put on a fake smile for the new father and your grandbaby.