bitterkarella

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Withered Hill

David Barnett: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of withered hill Barnett: its about this woman who gets trapped in this weirdly horny british village Barnett: for being too big a slut Mary Shelley: lol no such thing

Edward Lee: bro Lee: bro Lee: where is this village? Barnett: oh you wouldn't want to go to this village Barnett: everyone there is just horny and fucking all the time Barnett: just walking around with big ol' boners Lee: bro Barker: yeah i would really like you to answer edward's question

Barnett: no no it's not hot Barnett: it's actually quite charming Barnett: once you get used to it Barnett: you know, its just really quite quaint and british

Angela Carter: excuse me you're saying that if a woman is sexual she should be punished Barnett: no no of course not Barnett: she didn't actually get trapped for being too big a slut' Barnett: there were other reasons Barnett: her being a slut is purely incidental

Barnett: i assure you, her predicament has nothing to do with her voracious sexual appetite Carter: ah ok Carter: well Carter: good Barnett: its actually cuz she buys too many panties

Barnett: she's always buying panties Barnett: just an insane amount of panties Piers Anthony: [nodding] right right

Barnett: now if she was buying a reasonable amount of panties that would be one thing Barnett: but this is just far too many panties Anthony: what kind of panties Barnett: oh i don't know Barnett: just the regular kind, i guess Barnett: you know, like Barnett: girl panties

Anthony: I need details! Anthony: Is it pretty in pink or all see-through? Anthony: Is it showing off her brand new lower back tattoo?

Anthony: I don't have to guess the color of her underwear Anthony: I already know what she's got goin' on down there Anthony: It's that lacy black pair with the black fishnets Anthony: the ones i know she bought on the internet Anthony: I saw them when she sat down, they were peekin' out Anthony: I'm gonna tell you right now, they're all I'm thinkin' about

Barnett: the thing is this woman is so wasteful that she wears her panties once and throw them out Anthony: [huffing big wad of panties] I wanna try it, bite it, lick it, spit it, pull it to the side and get all up in it

Barnett: this woman, like, drinks a bottle of wine in a night Patricia Highsmith: hmm seems kinda light Barnett: sometimes two bottles Highsmith: ah now we're talkin! Highsmith: what a dame!!

Barnett: she's just drinkin' booze and buying panties Barnett: and that's wasteful Barnett: do you know what percentage of landfill is made up of single-use panties? Barnett: ITS A LOT

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Polari Prize

[mysterious circle of robed figures] John Boyne: dark lord! dark lord, help me! JK Rowling: whatsss wrong? Boyne: i'm being bullied! Boyne: me! john boyne! Boyne: author of the boy in the striped pajamas Boyne: [whispers] a fable

Boyne: nobody has ever been as bullied as me! Boyne: first the holocaust survivors bully me! Boyne: then the gamers! Boyne: now the trans!

Boyne: i was longlisted for the polari prize Boyne: the most prestigious of queer british awards Boyne: but then over half of the other nominees withdrew to protest my notorious transphobia Rowling: HOW DARE THEY! Boyne: exactly what i said!

Boyne: look, i know i said i was a terf and i fully supported jk rowling's crusade to eradicate to trans people Boyne: but i don't think it's fair that i should have to suffer social consequences for my beliefs and actions Boyne: i think everyone should just do what i want Rowling: god, big mood

Boyne: i have a prepared statement Boyne: as the victim of trans bullies, I have shown unflinching bravery and skill in the face of darkness and adversity Boyne: and have proven myself worthy of the Blessings of The Goddess Hylia Boyne: Whether Skyward bound, adrift in time, or steeped in the glowing embers of twilight, the sacred blade is forever bound to the soul of the hero

John Boyne: i support trans rights Boyne: unless being equal citizens would diminish the rights of NORMAL women Boyne: which it clearly would JK Rowling: yess yess Boyne: i mean full participation in society is a zero sum game after all Rowling: of course Boyne: a real crabs in a bucket situation

Boyne: remember that when you say i shouldn't be nominated for LGBTQ awards because of my anti-T beliefs Boyne: this is who you're bullying Boyne: i'm just a smol bean and author of the boy in the striped pajamas Boyne: [whispers] a fable

Boyne: i have a solution that i think will make everyone happy Boyne: i think everyone should stop boycotting this award because of me and also everyone should be nice to me Boyne: that's my offer Boyne: i think its more than generous

Boyne: also if you don't accept my full-throated support for transphobia, i might just kill myself Boyne: and you wouldn't want THAT on your conscience would you hmmmm? Boyne: the death of me, the author of the boy in the striped pajamas! Boyne: [whispers] a fable

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Midnight Pals: Flesh for frankenstein

Paul Morrissey: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of andy warhol's frankenstein Barker: uh huh Barker: was andy warhol involved? Morrissey: why are you asking questions when you already know the answer

Bram Stoker: ugh are you going to make this one all sexy too? Morrissey: i thought you approved of dracula getting sick from the blood of whores Barker: c'mon man Barker: do the voice Morrissey: sorry i meant the blood of hoooooorss Barker: hahah classic!

Stoker: i did but then i thought about it Stoker: and i started to think that maybe this whole thing about dracula not being able to drink the blood of sexually active women had some Stoker: some sexual connotations Barker: how so, bram Stoker: i started to think Stoker: it might be a gay thing

Barker: damn you thought that huh? Stoker: it just clicked Barker: and you don't approve of that either? Stoker: i do not approve of any of the meats of our sexual stew

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers? Shelley: you talkin about frankenstein? Stoker: actually we were talking about dracula Shelley: why are you doing that when you could be talking about frankenstein? Shelley: you should all be talking about frankenstein

Stoker: paul totally ruined dracula by making it all sexual, now he's going to do the same thing to frankenstein! Shelley: yeah he better Shelley: you better make this frankenstein real sexy Morrissey: in europe, its called 'flesh for frankenstein' Shelley: hell yeah Shelley: that bodes well

Morrissey: so dr frankenstein, as you know, was obsessed with creating the perfect serbian ubermensch Morrissey: to the point that he's ignoring his incredibly horny wife Shelley: oh that's a problem Shelley: that never goes good Shelley: right percy? Percy Shelley: yes dear

Morrissey: dr frankenstein just can't create a monster that's horny enough Morrissey: so he sends his assistant otto to find a hornier brain that he can put in the monster King: excuse me King: don't you mean igor? Morrissey: no in this telling his name is otto Morrissey: pay attention

King: but paul, EVERYONE knows that frankenstein's sidekick is igor! Poe: yeah you can't just change a classic piece of the frankenstein canon like that! King: it's igor, right, mary? Mary Shelley: who the fuck is igor

King: you know, igor! frankenstein's sidekick Shelley: what Stoker: he's frankenstein's renfield Shelley: i don't know what the fuck you're talking about but also i think you mean that renfield is dracula's igor, don't you, bram Stoker: Shelley: DON'T YOU Stoker: [sweating] yeah that's what i meant

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Midnight Pals: Andy Warhol's Dracula

Paul Morrissey: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of andy warhol's dracula King: wow! andy warhol made a dracula movie?! Morrissey: Morrissey: yeeeeah Morrissey: sure he did Morrissey: that's the ticket

Barker: so exactly how involved was andy warhol in the making of this movie? Morrissey: oh he was real involved Morrissey: super involved Morrissey: he uh Morrissey: you know he was Morrissey: he was involved

Barker: Barker: uh huh Barker: and if i asked andy warhol he would tell me the same thing? Poe: clive don't badger the man Barker: i'm just trying to ascertain the situation edgar King: wow! andy warhol! dracula! King: do you think he does, like, the soup can thing? King: but with dracula?

Bram Stoker: i hear you're doing a dracula retelling Morrissey: oh yeah Morrissey: i mean andy warhol is doing it Morrissey: he's real involved Stoker: ok well Stoker: well i hope this adaptation isn't horny Stoker: i'm tired of all these horny draculas

Morrissey: please! would andy warhol ever make a horny movie? Stoker: Stoker: i don't actually know enough about andy warhol to answer that

Morrissey: i give you my personal guarantee that dracula is not horny Morrissey: in fact, he's so incredibly unhorny that you might say that sex will kill him Stoker: good Morrissey: now everyone else around dracula... Morrissey: that's a different story

Morrissey: see, dracula needs only virgin blood to surive Morrissey: once a woman has sex, her blood is like trash to dracula Stoker: yes yes of course

Stoker: i would never drink the blood of a woman who's had sex Stoker: the very idea is revolting Barker: of drinking a woman's blood? Stoker: no, a woman having sex

Morrissey: dracula is having trouble because there's no more virgins in transylvania Morrissey: all these modern-a-go-go women are just too sexually free Morrissey: and the blood of these whores is killing dracula Morrissey: i'm sorry, i mean Morrissey: the blood of these hooooors is killing dracula

Barker: haha what Morrissey: the blood of these hoooors Barkers: haha say that again Morrissey: hoooooors Barker: hahahahaha Poe: clive its not THAT funny Morrissey: hooooooooooooors Poe: ok yeah its pretty funny

Morrissey: so dracula is all i'm going to go to italy Morrissey: its a catholic country so the women will be virginal and pure Morrissey: catholic girls are known far and wide for their abject lack of sluttiness

Morrissey: so dracula arrives in italy and meets this italian nobleman who has 4 beautiful daughters Morrissey: and he's all ok traveling dracula you can sleep in my barn tonight, but don't touch my 4 beautiful virgin daughters Morrissey: also there's 3 holes in my barn wall

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Midnight Pals: Gollum

JRR Tolkien: exciting news everyone! there's a new lord of the rings movie! Tolkien: finally, it's going to answer that big question on everyone's minds Tolkien: what was gollum doing? King: Poe: Barker: Lovecraft: Koontz: Tolkien: everyone's always asking me, what was gollum doing?

Tolkien: people want to know, what was gollum doing while all that exciting fellowship stuff was happening? Poe: wasn't he Poe: you know Poe: looking for the ring? Tolkien: well yes Tolkien: but what if there's more to that

Tolkien: what if there's more to it than that? Tolkien: what if gollum did more than just look for the ring? Tolkien: what if he also Tolkien: hung out in a cave? Poe: King: Barker: Koontz: Lovecraft: Tolkien: look, people want to know

Tolkien: just imagine Tolkien: perhaps gollum undertook a series of wacky adventures Tolkien: traveling from town to town, helping people Tolkien: setting right what once went wrong Tolkien: and people could be all "who was that awful freak?" Tolkien: "i don't know but he sure cleaned up this town"

Tolkien: what if Tolkien: instead of being a tragic villain, we kludged it so that he was actually a lovable anti-hero of his own story Poe: is there a reason to do that Tolkien: people love gollum Tolkien: they just really fucking love that little shit

Tolkien: think of it! gollum in a series of exciting, sexy adventures! Tolkien: each more sexy than the last! Tolkien: kicking ass and taking names! Tolkien: slaying orcs and bedding sexy ladies with big hairy feet!

Tolkien: cuz people are always asking, what was gollum up to Brian Jacques: [squeaking] was he going to feasts Tolkien: no, see, he was forgetting the taste of bread, actually Jacques: Jacques: [squeaking] oh Jacques: [squeaking] i wanted to see some feasts

Jacques: [squeaking] i use a single kids lunchable as a feast Tolkien: thats great brian Jacques: [squeaking] i use a fun size snicker bar as a regular size snicker bar Tolkien: Jacques: [squeaking] sorry that one was kind of weak

Tolkien: now we'll know everything about gollum's adventures! Tolkien: all questions will be answered! Barker: hey jirt i got a question for you Barker: why don't you tell us what the blue wizards were doing Tolkien: NO FUCK YOU NEVER

Barker: hey jirt do you really care what gollum was doing Tolkien: people want to know! Barker: yeah but Barker: do YOU care Tolkien: Tolkien: no Tolkien: [crying] i can't pretend anymore Tolkien: i just want to talk about tom bombadil

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Midnight Pals: Weapons

Zach Cregger: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the weapons Cregger: it's just out in theaters! Cregger: so if you care about spoilers maybe stop reading Cregger: i mean, seriously Cregger: don't get mad at me Cregger: i'm not even the real zach cregger

Cregger: the first thing i want to say is that i love gryllos pickles! King: Lovecraft: Koontz: Barker: Poe: is that part of the story? Cregger: no it's a personal declaration of love Cregger: [eating pickle] yes! YES!!! Cregger: they're even better when you're an internet microfiction caricature!

Cregger: so this is a story about kids who mysteriously disappear in the night Cregger: they move in a weird way Cregger: kind of like they were weaponized Cregger: in the same sense that a feral person living in your basement is kinda like a barbarian Jordan Peele: you're a whiz with titles, zach!

Cregger: this story is told from multiple perspectives Koontz: ooo like roshambo! Cregger: King: actually dean King: i think you mean rashomon Koontz: oh Cregger: yeah Cregger: yeah not really like that tbh

Cregger: like, from the perspective of the teacher, a parent, a cop, the principle, & a random dirtbag junkie Mary Shelley: hold up Shelley: who's this junkie Shelley: i love him already Barker: yeah he's fun! Poe: let's have more of him Koontz: i like him Cregger: Cregger: i was not expecting this

Cregger: the cop is worried because he was caught on camera assaulting the dirtbag junkie and there might be consequences George Romero: ha! as if! Romero: why would any cop be afraid of that? Romero: explain that to me Cregger: because its a work of fiction Romero: Romero: oh Romero: fuckin ACAB!!!

Cregger: but we all know what the scariest thing of all is Cregger: what if there was an old woman with too much make-up Barker: oh shit Poe: that is scary! Lovecraft: [sweats] i'm hyperventilating King: like, how much make up? Cregger: like a clown's amount of make-up King: ok yeah that's p scary

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Midnight Pals: The Kids ain't alright

TL Bodine: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society, I call this the tale of children in peril Stephen Gresham: no! John Saul: YES!

Saul: i love stories with reckless child endangerment! Barker: yeah that's true Barker: hard to think of anyone who likes them more Poe: except roald Barker: yeah except roald

Roald Dahl: how many children die in this story Dahl: oo i hope it's a lot Dahl: nasty nasty little rotten children Dahl: never do as they're told

Bodine: there's this poor couple and they have two children Bodine: but they can't afford to keep them Bodine: so they take them into the woods and abandon them Barker: this sounds familiar Angela Carter: shut up, let her cook

Bodine: so they abandon them in the woods Bodine: but it turns out there's a whole society of feral children there Bodine: cuz people just keep abandoning children there Bodine: you know how it is

Bodine: people have a kid as an easter present and then 2 weeks later they realize it's actually too big a responsibility Bodine: so they flush it down the toilet Bodine: in the sewer, the kids grow to massive sizes Bodine: it's a real problem

Bodine: what if an alien brood parasite took over your womb Bodine: and you gave birth to an awful baby that gets bigger but never grows up? Bodine: kind of like bobo and lil debbul from nothing but trouble

Bodine: now you're stuck with a weird baby that just grows and grows Bodine: but it's still just a baby Edward Gorey: beastly!

Bodine: that would sure test the limits of your selfless parental love, don't you think? King: i was in that exact situation, actually Bodine: King: but i still love my large adult son owen Bodine: Bodine: that's not what i mean

Bodine: what if you were at camp and there was a monster? RL Stine: classic premise, classic Bodine: but here's the twist Bodine: it was a fat camp King: a fat camp??

King: boy, i don't know how i feel about this King: maybe if it was a fat camp where fat boys lose weight and prove their worth Bodine: the heroines are fat girls King: oh i don't like that at all King: there's no redemption for that

King: is the monster actually the health risks of obesity? Bodine: what? no! King: cuz you know King: being fat is unhealthy

Bodine: actually it's about how a group of fat teens, underestimated by adults because of their size, use ingenuity and cunning to fight back and save themselves from being eaten by a monster King: King: ok yeah but you know being fat is unhealthy Meg Elison: i am going to fucking kill you steve

King: why would anyone want to read a story about fat people? King: i just don't get it King: cuz being fat is unhealthy King: especially for girls Bodine: is he always like this? Poe: yes pretty much

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Midnight Pals: Bra Sales

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: i jussst found out that there exissstsss a transss sssalesss assssociate in a department ssstore Rowling: apparently ssselling brasss Rowling: i'm real mad about thisss

Rowling: i heard that thisss transss bra ssaless associate actually asssked a cusstomer if she needed help Helen Joyce: its getting real bad when the trans think they can just talk to normal people as, like, part of their job description Joyce: what is the world coming to

Rowling: and did you know that the cussstomer wasss a teenage girl? think about that Allison Bailey: terrible! Allison Bailey: those teenage breasts shouldn't be getting fitted for bras Bailey: they should be receiving tender lesbian caresses

Bailey: it just makes me so sad Bailey: to think of all the teenage breasts that are not getting fondled by lesbians right now Bailey: it's a real crime Bailey: i'm thinking of suing someone about it, see if i don't

Rowling: i am conssidering legal action, of courssse Joyce: you are? Rowling: i know, i know, people keep sssaying wah wah wah how do you have legal sstanding, how doesss affect you wah wah wah Rowling: perhapss thiss giant bag of money will give you the anssswersss you need

Rowling: allisssson i need your needle sharp legal mind on thisss casse right now Helen Joyce: Kathleen Stock: Jesse Singal: Rowling: a legal mind like a sssteel trap Rowling: nothing getssss passst allisson bailey Joyce: Stock: Singal:

Rowling: did you finish sssuing that vet who sssaid your dog wasss fat? Bailey: uhhhh Bailey: yes! Rowling: how did that go? Bailey: uhhh i uhhh Bailey: i won Bailey: yeah yeah that's the ticket Bailey: i won! Bailey: those TRA thugs will think twice before calling a dog fat again let me tell you

Bailey: i totally won that lawsuit against my vet and the judge said that i was totally right and also very smart and they gave me a big medal for standing up for the rights of lesbian breast touching Bailey: i mean fat dogs Bailey: yessireee Bailey: that all totally happened

Rowling: that all checkss out Rowling: here, have another big bag of harry potter licensssing money Stock: are you sure you don't want to double check any of this first? Rowling: no no i have complete confidence in allissson'sss legal acumen Rowling: i'm ssure itss fine

Stock: hey can i have a big bag of harry potter licensing money too? i want to write an academic paper about what the trans are doing to the soil Rowling: ssoundsss good, here you go Joyce: i want to write an article about how i'm being silenced Rowling: nice. here's a bag of money for you too

Graham Linehan: dark lord i would be ever so gratified if i could Rowling: fuck off Linehan: y-you didn't even hear my proposal! Rowling: get this guy out of here Linehan: [being dragged away by 3 surly terfs] i was always loyal dark lord!! always loyal!!! Rowling: god that'sss ssso embarrasssing

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Just to clarify, there's a bill that would STOP credit card companies from controlling who's allowed to spend money on porn or "risque" (read: queer) content. If you don't think big business should be able to tell you what to spend your own damn money on, call your senators and reps to let them know! It's the Fair Access to Banking Act, H.R.987 in the House, S.410 in the Senate.

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well this fucking sucks

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Midnight Pals: Concert

Adam Nevill: so these metalheads are all, like, whoa, if we summon a demon, we'll go down in history as the greatest metal band of all time Stephen King: whoa! what an idea! King: do you think that would work for the rock bottom remainders? Nevill: it's worth a shot Poe: no it's not

King: think about it edgar King: summoning a live demon might just be the boost that we need to win the battle of the bands Barker: i think that's a great idea steve King: see? clive thinks its a great idea Poe: yeah? Poe: and what's the track record on clive's ideas?

Barker: hey i never said my ideas were good Barker: my ideas are FUN King: that's true, edgar King: you gotta admit they're fun Poe: fun for who? Barker: for me, duh

William Peter Blatty: steve! i heard you were going to summon a demon for musical purposes! King: i'm considering it Blatty: don't do it, steve! demons are bad news! Blatty: and i'm not too keen on music in general Blatty: it all seems suspiciously protestant

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Blatty: mary! steve will listen to you- Shelley: yeah, he'd better Shelley: about what? Blatty: tell him not to summon a demon to win the battle of the bands Shelley: Shelley: who're you up against? King: Ronald Malfi and his Rock Avengers Shelley: kick his ass

[at the battle of the bands] King: ok guys we're up next Barker: steve i don't want to put pressure on you Barker: but rock and horror legend glenn danzig is in the audience tonight King: glenn danzig! King: The only Ohmtown rocker to have a record go gold, platinum, and plutonium in one day!

King: this is big! i can't believe the founder of the misfits AND the director of beloved horror anthology verotika is in the audience tonight! [in the audience] Glenn Danzig: kwhat zee how you say predicahmon non? hon hon hon

Ronald Malfi: well well well if it isn't stephen STINK and the rock bottom REJECTS King: [narrowing eyes] malfi Malfi: you might as well give up right now Malfi: we're gonna summon a rock and roll demon LIVE King: what?! no! that was MY bit! Malfi: [throwing devil horns] ROCK AVENGERS RULE!!!!

Reporter: Stephen King's promise to rewrite rock history was prematurely and tragically interrupted last night when Ronald Malfi beat him in summoning a rock and roll demon. Survivors described the destruction as "evil," "spooky," and "wow, bad karma, man."

Shelley: and it smelled just like cleaning fluid and made me wanna like WAX THE FLOOR. So like can someone tell me like, is this concert for real, or it it just another rip off? Barker: I dunno about this, mary, nobody seems to be buying these "I survived the rock bottom remainders" T-shirts

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Midnight Pals: Ritual

Adam Nevill: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the ritual King: oh man we love that movie! Nevill: yeah well the novel's a little different King: as long as it's still got that cool creature design! Poe: yeah we love that creature! Nevill:

King: the creature in the ritual was SO cool King: i mean, what even is that thing?? Koontz: it had arms on its face! King: yeah! arms on its face! King: crazy! Poe: it was very cool King: it was SO cool

Nevill: yeah well the creature in my story isn't quite the same King: no? Nevill: no Nevill: Nevill: MY CREATURE IS EVEN COOLER! King: whoa! Koontz: wowww! Barker: you're making a bold statement there adam Nevill: i stand behind it! Nevill: it's REALLY cool! Nevill: it's like a goat with hands cool!

Nevill: so these four guys go hiking in the swedish woods Nevill: and here's the thing Nevill: two of them are fat Nevill: with huge fat asses Nevill: just absolute gigantic dumptrucks Nevill: huge dumperhumpers Nevill: enormous guhunkerbunkerlunkers King: this is terrifying!

Nevill: great big bonkerhonkersonkerflonkers Nevill: massive gahonagahoogaboogajoogafoos Nevill: like a woman would have King: oh no! King: this is the most terrifying story I've ever heard Poe: yeah c'mon adam don't talk like that in front of steve Poe: you know how he is

Nevill: their asses are so huge Nevill: let me tell you Nevill: when they hang around the swedish old growth forest Nevill: they really hang around the swedish old growth forest

Nevill: now they're deep in the woods Nevill: forget anything the film told you about swedish hillbillies Nevill: they get got by a bunch of stupid dipshit metalheads Barker: what, out in the swedish oldgrowth woods? Nevill: yeah out in the swedish oldgrowth woods

Nevill: the metalheads want to be the first metal band to resurrect an eldritch norse god Todd Keisling: that's a good idea actually Keisling: i would hella respect a metal band that resurrected an eldritch norse god Keisling: that would be bad ass Craig DiLouie: [headbanging] yeah yeah YEAH! ROCK!

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Midnight Pals: Dorley

Alyson Greaves: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of dorley hall Greaves: and welcome to it

Greaves: it's this university dorm where they force fem you Greaves: they take the worst, shittiest dudes Greaves: and turn them into the best, nicest girls Greaves: using hormones, surgery, and a steady reading regiment of spells r us and fictionmania stories Franz Kafka: oh i know those sites! Greaves: i bet you do

Kafka: well this isn't really horror at all Kafka: i mean actually n-no Kafka: that's not what i meant to say Kafka: i meant to say this is the most horrible thing in the world Kafka: i can't think of anything worse!! Greaves: hmm huh

Kafka: this story is way too dangerous! Kafka: you can't just go around telling a story about a dorm that force fems guys! Greaves: why not Kafka: what if Kafka: what if Kafka: what if impressionable young men hear about it and they go there and get force femmed? Greaves: Greaves: why would impressionable young men do that Greaves: is there a reason they would do that? Greaves: is there some reason that they would desire to do that? Kafka: Kafka: i i i

Kafka: i'm just saying it's morally irresponsible to tell this story! Kafka: nobody should even think about this dorm! Kafka: i am erasing it from my memory! Kafka: wait is this a real dorm Kafka: where is this dorm? Greaves: Kafka: WHERE IS IT

Greaves: why do you want to know where it is Kafka: i need to know so uhhh i can be sure NOT to go there Kafka: its like when people wanted to know where shirley jacksons the lottery was so they could be sure to NOT go watch it Greaves: is she always like this? Poe: yeah this is a thing Poe: kind of a running gag i guess

Barker: this has gone on long enough Barker: this ends tonight Poe: clive, no Barker: don't try to stop me edgar Barker: junji, give franz your cat ear headphones Junji Ito: nya? Barker: just hand them over

Barker: franz, out these on Kafka: w-why Barker: just try them out Barker: see how they feel Poe: clive you're playing with fire Barker: franz was asking me for days about where the real madonna pool is, i think i know what i'm doing here

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Midnight Pals: The Three Rs

Angela Carter: see, the way it works is you take an existing myth or legend King: uh huh Carter: and then you add the 3 Rs Carter: you REimagine Carter: REcontextualize Carter: and REinvent King: and this works for any myth or legend? Carter: any myth or legend!

Carter: for example, think of little red riding hood King: right, right Carter: and imagine what if the wolf represented patriarchy? King: ok Carter: and the red cloak represented menses? King: um ok Carter: and also red fucked the wolf? Barker: YES

Carter: the important thing, steve, is that this works for any legend King: wow! this opens up so many possibilities! Mary Shelley: this sounds like more john barth bullshit Carter: ah yes john barth has been known to do this Shelley: i don't truck with john barth bullshit

Carter: mary, why are you so hostile to john barth? Mary Shelley: cuz he's a wanky shit Shelley: "oh oh oh look me i'm fucking john barth" Shelley: "ooo wot if we weren't actually people at all, what if we were actually just characters in an internet microfiction series oo" Shelley: real wanky shit

John Barth: ah yes what IF we were all just characters in an internet microfiction series Shelley: jesus h christ Shelley: you see what i mean? Barth: it would raise a lot of questions about causality and free will Shelley: oh fuck off Barth: in fact Barth: one second Barth: [rips massive bong hit]

Dean Koontz: oh! oh! oh! Koontz: i want to do the 3 Rs too! Koontz: i want to recontextualize, reimagine and reinvent something! Carter: what do you want to recontextualize, reimagine and reinvent, dean? Koontz: FRANKENSTEIN! Shelley: you see what you did? Shelley: you fuckin see what you did?

John Wiswell: i'm going to reimagine, recontextualize, and reinvent some greek myths! Wiswell: like, what if they were nice? Wiswell: i just think that would be nice Wiswell: like if the greek gods could just get over all their fussin' and a feudin'

Wiswell: ok so imagine hercules, the hero of ancient glory Wiswell: one day hera makes a real booboo and kills hercules' kids Wiswell: just a real whoopsiedoodle

Wiswell: so there's this whoopsiedoodle and now hercules' kids are dead Barker: i need more context on this whoopsiedoodle Barker: like, what actually happened Wiswell: Barker: like, specifically Wiswell: i Wiswell: i don't want to talk about it with dean here Koontz: what? why? what?

Wiswell: just imagine Wiswell: what if instead of killing monsters Wiswell: hercules was nice to them? Wiswell: like he could hug the nemean lion Wiswell: and tell the stymphalian birds they're valid Wiswell: and pet the hydra Koontz: on every head? Wiswell: on every head, yes, of course

Wiswell: and he could make sure that cerberus stays hydrated Koontz: what's cerberus Wiswell: it's a dog Koontz: whoa!!! Wiswell: well technically its like three dogs Koontz: WHOA!!!! Koontz: THAT'S EVEN BETTER!!!!

Jasmine Mas: i've got a way better hercules story Wiswell: gosh let's hear this one! Mas: hey fam it's me your gal hercules Mas: i was just a normal high school senior at Grecian Urn High Mas: trying to finish my normal greek classes Mas: getting an A in dionysusing and a B in thebesing

Mas: the world of ancient greece is run by these all powerful titans called the spartans Mas: who love pythagoras' theorum and ionic columns Barker: it sounds like you're saying random greek stuff Mas: nuh uh Mas: um er Mas: odyssey democracy euclidian geometry babaghanoush

Mas: but it turns out that i am actually a spartan Mas: cuz i took a blood test and it turns out i uhhh have gyros in my blood Mas: and zeno's paradox in my heart Mas: and uh Mas: uhhh Mas: uhhhhhhhhh Barker: did you run out of greek things Mas: i ran out of greek things :(

[bitterkarella]

[bitterkarella]

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