#i’m rambling because i say so

[phantomram-b00]

You know what time it is?? Me rambling about season 2 again. This time, I wanna talk about some stuff a family member mention about regarding Aziraphale’s action and whatnot since it never really left my mind, mostly because I can’t help but disagree.

My family member first mentioned how Aziraphale could’ve told Metatron to give him a minute and talk to Crowley before going to the elevator and how they were mad that he step inside anyway.

Okay I want to prefix by saying, don’t we all? I do think the fandom are ready to see him to do an apology dance more than Michael Sheen himself. But what they said about this, and look I feel this might be unpopular but: Metatron would not have giving Aziraphale another chance nor did Aziraphale had a choice really.

“Phantom why you say that?”

Because, Metatron hooked him into a trap by saying Aziraphale’s favorite word, “Crowley” and the fact that he get to come with him. Which, think about it, Aziraphale wasn’t giving Heaven a second thought it wasn’t until Gabriel and the shenanigans came in is when heaven became the focus again. And then Metatron give him a promotion and like many have pointed out, he said no. But once Crowley came into the picture, he was ready to share the “big news”. And one thing about Aziraphale is while he clever, like my family member said he ultimately chooses became ignorant and almost refusing to see the gapping red flag. It kinda like when an intense scene is happening and you want to cover your eyes but you still wanna look? That’s kinda what Aziraphale doing just he covering his eyes in an effort to not see the alarm bell ringing but still looking since deep down he know something isn’t right, even Crowley is telling him “something smell absolutely foul”. Even then, he still is not looking at the bigger picture, he’s more or less focusing onto the fact that he could possible make heaven/earth better and to have Crowley there. But that not what Crowley wants.

And of course, we see that Crowley ends up being right, the second coming is happening. Which is why he look back at Crowley, this is where my family member said “he could’ve told metatron to wait and go to Crowley to tell him about the second coming” which, um, given that as soon as Crowley left after Aziraphale said “I forgive you” (that hurts writing it wtf Aziraphale), metatron simultaneous showed up not letting Aziraphale process what just happen, he was just kissed by his crush- no, his love interest. His best friend since the beginning of time/garden of Eden. (And with implication, most likely kissed back).

Look, I’m not the best with social cues/facial expression. However, seeing just his eye, you can see him going through the motions, you can see that he place his hand on his lips. Even when his eyes are glassy, he not only processing the kiss but what he just said to his best friend, his partner in crime, his love interest; and that is breaking his heart just as much as it broke Crowley’s heart, but he wasn’t giving that choice to dwell because guess who shows up after divorcing their unofficial official marriage for them:

And this that, Aziraphale had to go, he agreed to take up this offer. Even if Crowley wasn’t gonna go or not (which remember this imma bring it up later), and so he kinda had to take the L and go with metatron. Now going back to metatron reveal the thing Crowley was talking about. Could Aziraphale had told metatron to wait so he goes back to Crowley? I mean he could’ve but who to say Metatron was even going to give him the time of day if he wasn’t going to let Aziraphale process what transpired? Metatron doesn’t want any more setbacks, he needed Aziraphale and he did. He won. But also, I feel Aziraphale felt he burnt his bridges and is afraid to go up to Crowley to say he was right, especially since I don’t think that not what he wants to hear, but you bet that if metatron wasn’t there, he would’ve so ran to Crowley in a heartbeat. But he can’t. He going back into the box he created before meeting Crowley and so he walked away with metatron to the elevator.

Now thinking about it, this look reminds me when Crowley first suggesting running away to Alpha Centauri. He’s exhibiting that he does want to go off with Crowley; he want nothing more than to go toward or even be with Crowley. But what do both these instances have in common? is that Heaven is what tying his hands down. Only this time, he think he can’t because he felt he betrayed and lost Crowley and now he has to go back and hope to make things better and not let the world die again. So that’s why I feel Metatron wasn’t gonna give him another chance or that Aziraphale had any liberties; I did mentioned this on my Aziraphale post about how heaven prevents him to progress as a angel/person or let him have a say without being judged. Hell metaton called Muriel “dim”, I think Aziraphale more than anything want to satisfy his hopeless romantic desire and run away with him, but I feel his love for humanity is also the factor as earth is where they made all the memories, all their growth, and much more. Frankly, Aziraphale was put between a rock and a hard place, and Metatron was never going to make this easy. It like in Season 1, Episode 4, when we first met him, right off the bat Metatron lays it out that armageddon is the key to start the war and win it; like the other angels he’s just as war hungry and doesn’t care about humanity. Now that episode he didn’t drag him back to heaven but he did warn him not to stall, so I don’t think this situation is any different as he doesn’t want any more setback, he want the second coming to happen no matter the damage he caused. He. Does. Not. Care. For. Aziraphale. (Or anybody/anything in that matter). He can switch it up and act gentle and kind but underneath it all; he just want blood from the demons and win this biblical holy war because it’s “the ineffable plan”. So I don’t think Metatron would’ve giving Aziraphale another minute in earth because he doesn’t want to waste anymore time and frankly there most likely something about Aziraphale he needs. Because he could’ve promoted Michael or Uriel or even Saraqael, but no. Something about Aziraphale he needs and he need him to start up the plan and he can’t wait.

Now another thing my family member brings up is that, Azirphale want to change Crowley and make him an angel again.

Look, it might seem that way and I can understand how it can seem that way given the scene. However, I disagree because, given they’ve spent millennia together I don’t think Azirpahale want to change Crowley at all. Now sure, have he ever make comment about Crowley being a demon? Yeah of course, as well as Crowley make comment about Aziraphale being an angel (*cough* Jobs episode is a prime example) but not once have he ever make a remark or show he want Crowley to change by any means. If that was the case, don’t you think he would’ve stayed friend let alone fall in love with Crowley if he wanted him to change?

Look at that smile, oh wait actually let me prove more

Okay to refrain myself from showing more of these husbands/spouses/wives (whichever you prefer ^^), the point I’m trying to make is Aziraphale would never ask Crowley to change himself because in his eyes he’s already perfect. He was perfect when he first met him as an angel and he was just as perfect when they met again at the garden. Now of course, in Episode two of season two, he does kinda make remark regarding Crowley’s morals but I toke that as the fact that Aziraphale only knows the morals that heaven defined for them and sure Azirphale have shown to follow his own moral compass like giving the sword away and saving job’s kids but given that he had a breakdown because he thought he was going to fall just for saving kids, we got a glimpse of him battling with morals and even still is now. Even back in, season one even thought he wants to stop armageddon still almost follows heaven, episode 3, he tried to back pedal and even went as far as try to convince himself that he doesn’t like Crowley (yeah okay Aziraphale surreeee 🤨). I do think season 2, is another example between the flashbacks and the current timeline. Episode three of season 2 kinda show the flaw in what Aziraphale’s idea of moral taught by heaven, just because what you think is right ≠ good morals (at least not always anyway.) he sabotage Elspeth during her job because he fear this whole thing was sinful and would damn her soul despite the fact the only reason she did it is to survive the streets of Edinburgh. Sure you can say it not the best way but given the context she most likely don’t have a lot of options. I just think, Aziraphale refused to accept the fact that he’s morally grey (I almost said he struggles, but I want to give him props that he clever enough to know that he isn’t morally white.) and want to see things black and white not knowing there a grey line in between those colors.

But I digress, even with this, Aziraphale accept and respect Crowley’s morals within the six thousand years they’ve known each other. He respects Crowley as a person too, he trust him with his life. (This is them toasting after Aziraphale almost died twice in one day both the church and a magic trick. What a day.) i don’t think he would want to change that, I mean this is the same year he had an epiphany that he loves Crowley.

Now, imma go into the status with Aziraphale wanting Crowley to be an angel again. Now said this in the beginning of this paragraph, and while sure with this it does seem like he want to change him But, I think this is more or less wanting to give Crowley the title he deserve after falling for something so simple as asking a question. (Again we don’t know why he fell, we still going within implication until season 3 get confirmed. I’m just throwing this out there). Aziraphale see this as wanting to give Crowley back the title that was rightfully his and want to change heaven with Crowley; he know how Crowley feel about heaven, he deeply disagrees with heaven and their views on their twist ideology. We seen him comment on this within season 1/2, with garden of eden, the flood, job, and armageddon itself and Aziraphale despite hiding it, agrees with him. So I think aziraphale was trying to use this as a way to tell Crowley, “Come with me, let’s go fix heaven and make things right. Let me give you a chance to come back after they wrongfully cast you out.” While also saying “I don’t want to go alone.”

“I need you”. Probably the most heartbreaking quote (besides no nightingales/I forgive you). Sure, even after he said “nothing last forever”, he still needs Crowley not just because he loves him both romantically and in a name of friendship. Because Crowley is his other half of the what complete him and he can’t imagine being without him. Again, he would NEVER have went to heaven if it wasn’t for the fact he could take Crowley. He wouldn’t want to change him, all he wanted is to fix heaven for/with crowley and want to save the world with Crowley. In his own way. not even seeing just how problematic it is for Aziraphale where even after the shit they put him through and even AFTER, when they try to execute him with HELLFIRE. He choose heaven ultimately, regardless if Crowley was gonna go or not. He already made his choice to leave and he unfortunately had to stick with it. Losing the things he love all in one day. Especially now with the second coming going into motion. I don’t doubt that if metatron wasn’t in the elevator that Aziraphale would’ve had a heart wrenching sob, I’m surprise he didn’t even shed a tear still. Man these biblical bitches are going through it and it breaking my heart each time I think more about this.

This is probably my longest post I’ve ever made, I think mostly because I needed to get this off my chest. Granted despite this, I respect their opinions. I’m just giving my two cent on this. So I’m open to hear you guy’s opinion on this. I love this show and this fandom and I don’t think it going away anytime soon. Neil Gaiman and the cast killed it with this show and the story and I’m excited for what season 3 might offer.

But before I stop, I do wanna mini ramble about how at first I couldn’t be able to listen to Everday without crying. (I might make a post about it. Maybe. Let’s see lol.) and at first I couldn’t put my finger on it until recently. I know everyday is more or less Ineffable  bureaucracy’s song; but I also see this as Ineffable husband’s song. Why? Well given how season 3 might be the last, I do think this song is foreshadowing their relationship and how it getting closer and their love will surely come their way. A-hey A-hey hey (I wanna say more but I don’t wanna talk more than I already did lol. Hope you guys like this post and have a good omen day ^^)

[tav-marcio-leles]

Ohhh, I'm rereading Mystra's entry in the Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide... and this detail:

This means Gale was punished for trying to restore and preserve what he thought was a lost piece of Mystra's magic. Gale being Mystra's ex-lover put aside. He as her follower, she his goddess, was punished for attempting to do the one foundational rule of her faith.

I'm seething and so sad at the same time.

Edit: I used the word punish loosely, as in, toxic/abusive people will take any small mistake or action and twist it into something they can take advantage of. This post was also largely from the stand point of a toxic deity rather than a toxic partner, but both takes are valid here. Especially with the, “you didn’t stay compliant so now I’m giving you the silent treatment” part of it—from a god and a partner perspective.

[fumifooms]

Falin who cares too much and too little - analysis

Been stewing on Falin thoughts for a while, I know I have an interpetation on her that differs from many but I’m jumping into the fray. I think there’s a lot to be said about what we do see of Falin. This shorter Falin analysis I made is heavily encouraged prior reading. This analysis mainly explores her complex relationship with caring and so it’s sort of structured in two halves, with Faligon at the crux of it all.

Falin cares too little :

A lot of people assign Falin a people pleasing mindset and I… Don’t agree. We never see her care at all about people in her town or at the academy not liking her.

We do see her worrying about what people think of her… ONCE. And Laios comforted her, told her they didn’t matter and she should be proud of herself. She latched onto that hard. That’s why this scene was so important to be included during the dragon fight, relationship-defining; it’s always been them against the world. She grew to not care what others thought, to only focus on her close loved ones. No one else matters.

Laios’ words were her world. Her older brother who taught her how to feel comfortable with herself, who told her, you’re great, others are the ones in the wrong to not see that, I’ll always be with you, always be there for you. Older brother who always made great plans, who always knew more, who was better at wrestling to name the dogs, who she has always idolized. Laios who always spoke of traveling the world, to which she always said she wanted to follow. And she would, she’d follow him even if it meant leaving the academy and all she knew behind, she’d follow him to the ends of the world, and that’s what she did.

She didn’t care about showing to her classes or keeping up such appearances, she doesn’t even think of toning down her jumping into bushes when Marcille recoils, etc. She acts like an obedient pawn often, to her parent’s directives and then following Laios around no matter what he decides to do, but I don’t think the motivation is people pleasing, rather it’s being with & caring for her loved ones, and her go-with-the-flow attitude enhances the impression. Not that it’s as simple as that, mind you, but let’s talk about this for now.

Falin is perceived as selfless because we, the audience, have our perspectives revolving around the main people in her life (Laios, Marcille). They’re the ones she’s devoted to and people who care about her back a lot too, but to people like her classmates or the towspeople she probably must have seemed like someone who didn’t care about the people around her or her surroundings a lot, who just went on alone and did her own thing.

What matters to Falin? From what place does her kindness come from? Is a part of her keeping up appearances? And I think that’s the point, the horror of Faligon as well, that we can’t tell just how in control Falin the person is as the chimera (because we are shown that she’s in there, we just don’t know at what degree), that we don’t know her enough to be able to tell when she’s at her most genuine, her most raw. That even if you do settle on none of her being present as Faligon, we have to at least consider it, consider that she may be able to do something like this and have a part in it, brutal and uncaring. That even the lenses we see her through, the people who love her, may be unreliable.

And this is what’s very interesting about her too, she truly is so idealized by people around her as a saint. She’s so good and kind and caring to everyone etc etc etc. Laios, Toshiro and Marcille all see her as the paragon of goodness in the world. More cynical characters like Namari and Chilchuck have more layered opinions on her, the latter finding her somewhat unnerving because he can’t read her well. But then with that one flashback scene we see that… Her priorities are intensely focused on Laios and Marcille, she doesn’t care all that deeply about anyone other than them (+ maybe her parents). The rest of the party is in the same danger here but only Laios and Marcille who she’s speaking to get the special ,ention, and if they don’t cross her mind then of course she’d be ready to sacrifice strangers through a risky teleportation. That doesn’t make her not kind or caring!! Just that greater good isn’t exactly her priority. Any means is alright if the end result is her loved ones safe, it usually takes the form of healing and caring, but we see she’s ready to fight and make dangerous calls too. To me there’s this aspect to her that she isn’t as pure and magnanimous as everyone thinks she is, both in-world and interestingly enough meta wise as well, and there’s something interesting to that.

People pleasing implies a need to be liked, needs for the motivation to be that. A yes-man, etc. But if we analyze Falin, her general kind, smiling demeanor is more a matter of passivity I yhonk. Conflict avoidance is easier, so she’s friendly and hopefully things’ll be smooth sailing. It’s easy to be kind to classmates even if they act wary and rude if you don’t care about what they think either way. Of course she prefers good things happening to people over bad things, she is genuinely kind, but I think people tend to assign her a very grand altruistic way of life when to her the motivation is pretty self-centered. She doesn’t do what she does because she loves them, but because she loves them.

One situation that’s interesting to dig into for her way of thinking, and what I’m trying to get at, is Shuro’s proposal to her. I’ve seen people saying she hesitated because she didn’t feel comfortable saying no even though she wanted to, "I can’t say no, I don’t want to hurt him", something that sounds sensible and familiar, but it’s actually canon in the Adventurer’s Bible that the reverse was the case, that she didn’t feel comfortable saying yes. Because the offer was tempting, but it’d have been a loveless agreement on her end. And it makes sense she’d want to say yes too, like we see with the Toudens, marriage is very much a political strategical economical thing in their village, there’s even a bit on it on Laios’ Adventurer’s Bible profile about dowries, and both siblings were engaged very early. They lived poorly for a long time, it’s an enticing idea to marry rich, to have not only yours but your brother’s needs met forevermore easily, which at one point in their careers was their main worry and goal. Why shouldn’t she accept a life of leisure and wealth handed to her by a lovely friend?

So her hesitance was "yeah that’s convenient for me, but where it’s everything to him and heartfelt I’m able to be detached because I don’t care about it that much… Can I do that? I’m not reciprocating, not saying yes in the way that matters. Can I do that to him?" Very caring even though it’s not what you’d expect, isn’t it?

And central to my analysis, where I’m going with this is, I feel like that’s the thing with her character, that she doesn’t feel as strongly as she "should" sometimes, or feels a different way than she "should", or at least that she feels that way and others say she does. She didn’t mind suddenly leaving the academy, leaving Marcille behind and not seeing her for 4 years. She acted like it was no big deal that she sacrificed herself after getting resurrected after the red dragon fight. And in both those cases it upset the people around her greatly that she didn’t seem to get why it was such a big deal, didn’t seem to care about how they’d experienced her choices.

So it’s a tendency… And it’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s just that the way she measures what’s good for the ones she loves isn’t the same as what they themselves think it is (like Laios and Marcille not wanting to be apart from her). It’s an overt but quiet kind of care, it’s doing things like following them around and making sure they bathe and have a meal, even if that means she has to be dragged into misery too.

So yes she probably would know "not caring enough/the right way" is one of her perceived flaws, and that informs how she tries to handle her response to Shuro’s proposal. Her not wanting to accept like her first gut instinct, is because she’s thinking about reciprocity, about if it’d be right to go into this knowing that they have different priorities and she might not be able to keep up with the type and amount of emotions he wants/expects from her. And that’s a big part of her character isn’t it, having expectations pushed onto her. Her trying her best, but in her own way that may seem odd or even unfeeling. Not unlike when she exorcised the ghost as a kid too, unblinking and matter-of-factly, and not seeming to understand why people stared the way they did.

Even though she answered his proposal only post-canon, she’d been pondering it for a while even pre-canon and the Adventurer’s Bible explanation was released midstory, so I’m hesitant to assign her much growth about her hesitation and what I went on above, since she still didn’t react "right" with Laios after the red dragon fight (even if she apparently doesn’t remember sacrificing herself) and put herself in that situation in the first place. She hasn’t finished her arc on that flaw of hers is what I’m saying, she for sure still has it, but I certainly think her thoughts on Shuro’s proposal shows awareness, both of herself and social.

And awareness is a big analysis key word with Falin, especially here it can be hard not to conflate not caring with not knowing. How socially aware is she? It’s rather layered, because canonically she wasn’t aware of her ostracization in her hometown at all, and we’re not sure if she knew Shuro was interested in her before he proposed, but she generally seems more socially aware than Laios. She tags along on his caravan job to make sure he isn’t being mistreated (though doesn’t ask he get a salary), she catches social faux-pas more easily like in the genderbend magic mirror omake with Shuro, and interestingly enough she��s very good at empathizing with her parents and understanding their perspective. We see when she’s worried about Marcille coming that she does know about propriety and how appearances shape impressions. Being a chief’s daughter must at least have taught her a thing or two on that front.

She never stands up for herself, but when it comes to defending others she worries, strategizes and explains.

And this sort of understanding is part of why I think she’d notice the expectations pushed onto her like I was saying earlier, notice how she makes people feel when she’s careless. But if she changes anything about herself in response to noticing is for her to choose, and generally I think it’s a sort of inbetween of yes and no: that she becomes more complacent but also more reserved, complying but by hiding more of herself passively. She’s not sure wether to accept or reject Shuro’s proposal, doesn’t want to lead him on? She’ll just be taking a while to silently consider it, try to keep things as they are for the time being. The third, less conflicting option. She doesn’t feel heard by Marcille who keeps infantilizing her? Just bear with it. Retract yourself emotionally. Settle for it.

We see that when she was young she had a tendency to not read a room, and I think that’s here too. She doesn’t get why her nonchalance upset others but that doesn’t change that she doesn’t want them upset or hurt, so she tries, albeit in maybe a roundabout way. She always had a hard time deeply connecting with people, often keeping herself some amount of emotionally distant: erasing herself from the equation, from the two-way trade that relationships are and making it a onesided thing instead, where all their needs and emotions are directed towards her but she only lets out a bit of her own show. She takes everything upon her and deals with it and tries not to give others this same burden, though not on a conscious level, it’s just that she’s learned growing up that she doesn’t have much agency.

Like I went into with my analysis linked at the beginning, I think Falin is used to just taking what she can get and not asking for more, when it comes to social bonds. She’ll take spending time with her mother no matter what it is they do, she’ll follow Laios to the graveyards and stick by him even when he’s pushing her away (because he doesn’t want her borrowing his book or "No copying!" or such). Her father was always distant, cold and uncommunicative, her mother was considered sick from anxiety and the exorcism attempts were the main way they spent time together, at dinner tables there were only her and Laios. The dogs picked on her too even if she loved them— And so did the townspeople, maybe that being normal to her at home is why she didn’t notice the ostracization she suffered.

She’s always been the last to be asked about decisions or what she wants, never asked to play with at recess, neither her father or Laios asked before sending her to the academy or leaving the village. At home, in the hierarchy she was considered to be below the dogs by the dogs themselves, as someone they can disrespect. Dogs learn from example and behavior, so this means Falin must have been pushed around a lot, and that the family didn’t try hard to rectify the dogs’ misconception, likely worsened by Laios regularly wrestling with her as a competition.

So for example when Falin showed Marcille food, it was her way to implicitly ask to have lunch with her without voicing that question, without daring to take up space. Someone’s presence isn’t something you ask for, it’s something that’s bestowed upon you, you can follow them around but you can’t ask them to stay or to come with.

She’s used to her needs and wants not being listened to, so she’s learned to have less wants. Caring less about herself, caring less about other people beyond her safe zone, was a defense mechanism in part. She has a sense of learned helplessness too, like how when Marcille came to take her away from Laios, even though she didn’t want to leave with Marcille it felt so determined and unshakable to her that whatever Marcille decided Falin would have to comply with.

And still, it’s the "marrying you would be awfully convenient if it wasn’t that I’d feel guilty for not loving you back, the way you wanted me to when you proposed to me" and the "I don’t regret leaving the academy and leaving you behind without goodbyes but I’m sorry that you’re so much more upset about it than me". It’s the guilt of not loving people back the way they want to be, with the same intensity or fervor.

It’s the autism it’s the aroace of it all, it’s the emotional stunting and confusion but the pit in your stomach telling you you did something wrong again. The no object permanence even for people you love even for 4 years, it’s the feeling like you’re somehow at fault for someone having fallen for you and not knowing what to do with any of it. I’m not joking btw it isn’t uncommon for autistic people to not see their close friends for a long while, not having missed them all that much and for that to be really hurtful for the other if they notice/ask about it. "Hiii bestie! Oh umm you’re uh more emotional about this than I expected, hopefully you won’t feel alienated by me not feeling as intensely about it…"

So… Yeah. I think she thinks of things and relationships in a different way than most people, and beyond "good things happening to people is good" I don’t think she actually cares about people all that much. I’d argue that Laios shows more desire to connect with others and make relationships. And just like with Laios and his own issues with humans, that doesn’t mean her kindness is a lie or ungenuine or worthless! It just means that like, well it’s pretty straightforward really, she’s not all that social and doesn’t see casual bonds as meaning all that much and whatnot. She does want to see people happy, but it’s not as much like… A conviction or goal. She’s too laser focused on a select few people. "It’s not that they’re bad people, they just aren’t interested in humans."

And sometimes it feels like people get defensive about Falin in a meta way too, like if you ever so much as imply Marcille isn’t her whole world or that she isn’t the kindest soul out there then you’re saying she doesn’t care at all or she’s evil. And that’s actualy exactly the sort of vibe I wanted to get through with my analysis above here actually haha, that she does care and she is kind but it’s not in a way that’s quantified or understood in a way that makes people feel comfortable. In a way, that makes people feel insecure because they don’t have the same logic as her, don’t show love the same. And I think this is another stellar depiction of autism, of parts of it that feels unpalatable to many, if I’m making sense. The fandom idealizes her as well, which isn’t uncommon or surprising for the character embodying the trope of the perfect beloved to rescue.

And disclaimer, as I said in the tags I feel like the details of Falin are pretty vibe based when it comes to analysis, there’s absolutely a valid angle where she does super care about everyone always, feel free to disagree with me on the overarching angle of my analysis. There’s enough supporting evidence to tip the balance either way I think, and the reason I’ve chosen this angle is I feel it’s more compelling for the themes in Dunmeshi of idealization and being different, of desires vs wants, and because I think it neatly ties up Falin’s character arc as I’ll go over throughout the next section…

So.

Not feeling as much as she should. And……. Is this not Faligon pushed to the max?

You can’t tie down a dragon. As the chimera, she gets to just not care about everyone else and be on her merry way.

Part of it I think is finding comfort and freedom in the mindlessness, in not having the burden of feelings and connections and a consciousness (despite still ending up seeking those in a stranger, Thistle). Like when she’s dead in the purgatory as well, she gets to just… Hang around and do whatever. Similarly to when she played in the forest instead of going to class in her academy days. That’s what freedom and peace of mind looks like to her. Why she decides to roam post-canon, if only now with the goal to find herself instead, with her mind in tow and somewhere to go back home to.

There’s excellent analytic framing out there about how of course, Dungeon Meshi has a big theme of grief and letting go, and… Falin was always a symbol narratively, idealized by characters and often underconsidered by them despite their love. It was Falin’s choice to sacrifice herself for Laios, she thought it was worth it, knowing that it would be her end. Her resurrection and the process of it intertwining her soul with a dragon’s wasn’t done with her consent, and the subsequent opening it gave her to become a chimera puppet. She’s stripped of her agency consistently, and so… It’s very noteworthy that the final choice, of wether to go back to life or to stay dead, in that purgatory scene, was up to her. And she chooses life, but I do think about her in those fields and how at home she seemed there. Peaceful, by herself in a vast calm expanse she could explore, free.

Personally, I think freedom is Falin’s own subconscious selfish desire. And though to us becoming the chimera is obviously a shackle, I think it felt like freedom to her somewhat, too.

And if you think I’m going wildly off the rails here I want to talk about Laios’ wish of becoming a monster. And to be clear before getting into it, being mentally a monster is absolutely a big part of the appeal for Laios, it’s something that’s consistently referred to, something especially pointed out in the werewolf monster tidbit with Lycion. Right panel is from that, but left panel is from the extra with Izutsumi where Lycion talks about suppressing souls in a beastkin body, the human or the beast soul.

Finding comfort and freedom in being mindless, less sentient, less aware? While being unaware in her hometown might have saved Falin a lot of heartache although perhaps stunted her emotional growth, it’s always been Laios’ curse.

Actively, through his choices, he seeks to grow closer to people, to form deeper bonds, to understand and be undertood, but… On a deep seated level, what he desires is to leave humanity and civilization behind. He has an irrational hatred for humans, born from the trauma of ostracization, being different, being beaten up and rejected consistently through his life. Running away from problems is easier. He wants to be free from being a social animal from a social species who has deemed him the black sheep, he thinks it’d be simpler to just leave it all behind, people and his own humanity. At its core, to Laios becoming a monster is a power fantasy, a coping daydream of "if only I could be strong enough to never be hurt again, the power to destroy anything I want, the power to go somewhere better, if only it was possible for me to never feel hurt again. If only I could be someone, something, that can never be hurt". "If there’s someone you don’t like, you can gobble ‘em up in one bite. If you could fly, you’d be able to leave this village right now." It’s a childhood fantasy, from a deep sense of being misplaced and a desire to be able to stand fearless, thinly covering up resentment that Laios represses.

But you’ll notice, when the Winged Lion is enticing him in the last page, even now with his lifelong wish of becoming a monster on a silver plate, he still cares about his friends. He still has that sense of responsibility to his friends, doesn’t want to leave knowing they’ll be in danger and alone. The offer that his friends may be left unharmed is already good, but Laios also visibly flinches when the Winged Lion offers to specifically care after Marcille and rid her of her biggest fear. Laios’ care runs that deep. Not unlike with the succubus, he resists temptation until he gets reassured that everyone will be okay. But see, what he desires isn’t to stand alongside Marcille until her last days, it isn’t to stay and see how well his friends will live, it’s to go. It’s to leave. It’s to fly away, a monster both in body and mind. He wants to be free from caring here, wants to not have to worry about his friends, wants to just go do his own thing, but for that he needs to feel safe in the belief that said friends will be safe even without him being there to see it, because despite everything else he cares, he does. It’s again that dichotomy about caring and wishing you didn’t, or not caring and wishing you did.

In the end, it’s Falin who achieves that wish. Both by becoming a chimera during canon, and by going traveling post-canon. In the latter, being both free of human relationships as something chaining you while still being uplifted by them, by the knowledge that there are people out there you love and that love you. It’s a theme that can also be connected with Marcille, because she gets anxious over people she loves getting out of her sight, worrying they’ll get themselves killed, that time is passing while they’re away from her. But before she can get to the point where she can both have her freedom and being uplifted by her social bonds, regaining both her individuality and her connections, she has to get a taste of just one at a time. Before they can find balance in her life, she has to see what it’s like to have what she’s never had on its own. Unapologetic freedom, and power.

No one can blame you for not caring enough or caring right if you’re a fricking dragon!!!! You make the rules when you’re a beast and you can just… Fly away. From anywhere, from anything. And if a dog bites you you can just crush it. Instead of being pushed around by the dogs because you’re at the bottom of the hierarchy, you’re now at the top, the one with the power to be heard and do what you want without consequences.

I think she’s on autopilot. I think she’s on autopilot a lot of the time, even before being a chimera, and it’s partly why her will is so weak compared to regular dragons. (Again, read my shorter analysis.) It’s familiar to slip back into the role of following someone around unquestioningly. And that’s what is weaponized when she’s a chimera, that instinct she’s been nursing all her life to unconditionally support, defend and follow someone. Only now, that someone doesn’t matter in itself, only the symbol of it. She doesn’t mind, either way is fine. Her will is weak after all, because she’s trained it to take as little place as it could.

Falin cares too much

She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life.

So you’re probably seeing the duality I’m talking about here, Falin is very self-sacrificial but for specific people in ways that they often don’t recognize or appreciate. She cares but selectively, both in people, putting all her eggs in the same baskets, and in the ways she cares after them. She doesn’t care a lot, but when she does she cares a lot. Falin doesn't have a lot of earthly attachments, but when she does, they're her world.

In canon her arc, especially post-canon, is to grow beyond Marcille and Laios. Her caring for her close loved ones held her back from looking after her own self-fulfillment needs. And this is what I mean when I say she cares too much; she could gain from caring more about the world besides Laios and Marcille, both lands wise and people wise. She cares too little, but her arc centers her flaw around caring too much instead. Her pitfalls that Kui highlight over the course of the story, while of course her selflessness is appreciated for how she saved Laios and everyone, on a personal level is shown to be self-effacing and damaging. She’s undermined by Marcille, without the courage to voice her thoughts and wants, she would dedicate her whole life to Laios. And I mean, it’s text, in the response to Shuro’s proposal extra no less. And she’s so laser focused on her most loved people that she’s fine with being callous and risking others’ lives, even.

Post-canon, she needs to leave to find herself, away from them.

Herself. What if she wants to just be with herself for a while.

And this is me reaching but I feel like, not unlike Izutsumi who learns to feel this sense of never being alone, always having someone on your side what with having two souls, the dragon in her would make her consider herself more. She finds it easier to care after other people after all, and in the purgatory fields sequence she takes care to bring the bit of dragon left with her… Not unlike with Izutsumi, having two souls forces you to think about your identity and figure yourself out. Besides being this sort of duo now, where if she wants to care after herself she can channel it to that other side of her too… In meta dragons are symbols of greed, and I think the bit of dragon would push her to want more and listen more to her desires, primal and self-serving as they might be. The dragon soul which warped her human body with feathers and draconic features, her image of perfection marred, her weirdness externalized in a way that’s not palatable. But she doesn’t care, about if her appearance is palatable for most people, she hasn’t for a while now, and that’s great.

Notes & nuance

I’m struggling with the structure of this post, making my points organized, concise and strong at once. It’s difficult to make any statement without going "things are generally like this, but there’s this time that this contradicting thing happened too" or "it’s ambiguous enough that you should just follow my interpretation for the time of this analysis" haha, so this is the pit where I put all the stuff that wouldn’t fit well in other places but are interesting for Falin’s character. This section is pretty separate from the main thesis of the post, it’s just more Falin observations. The post has reached the 30 pics limit so I can’t just pull it up whenever it’s relevant but I really encourage scrolling up to read the stuff I highlighted in her Adventurer’s Bible profile if you haven’t already.

I think with the shy-looking loner type autistic kid archetype, and knowing she didn’t seem to mind others ostracizing her, it’s easy to lose sight of how she was by no means an unemotional child. In all the bits we see of her as a kid she’s bursting with energy and emotions. Canon confirms Laios leaving the village did affect her and make her lonely and she cried a lot, too. She may not be social in the traditional sense, but she was clingy with her brother, and she also never was all that shy about who she was, wearing her heart on her sleeve.And okay. Okay okay okay. Speaking of appearances. About what I said of her not caring about what people think of her, even seeming defiant with the caravan leader… There’s one istanxe of her caring actually, and it’s about how her face blushes easily. I remembered it as being because Laios’ said it and as I rambled Laios’ words are her world, but actually it’s ambiguous. It’s only Marcille imagining up this scenario where Laios says Falin looks weird because of it, there’s no evidence Laios said or thought that at any point. And on the other hand…

Her Adventurer’s Bible says: "5, Lovely Skin. She isn't particularly careful with it, but Falin's skin is fair and beautiful. Possibly as a result, her cheeks seem to flush easily. Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." The phrasing makes me think the complex she has over her blushing might have developed because of Marcille more than Laios. "Marcille's always saying she's cute, and she secretly has a sizable complex about it." It could be related to how Marcille gets swept away and infantilizes her, calling her cute wanting her to wear cute feminine outfits etc. Again this feels like it relates to Falin’s struggle to be seen for who she is and what she wants to be seen as, her struggle to be recognized, having ideals and perspectives pushed onto her. Here Falin is insecure over her blushing implicitly because she doesn’t like being called cute over it, but that’s not how she wants people to see her. She doesn’t want Marcille to always see her as her 10 years old adorable friend. Like if your friend said you had puppy energy, it can be flattering, but it can also make you insecure.

Here’s a link to what I mentioned about her being uncomfortable wearing feminine outfits. It does seem to be more about comfort than the aesthetic perse, to me. Interestingly the shirt & shorts don’t seem like they show much more skin than her beach outfit, so maybe it’s more about the shirt and shorts being tight-fitting. Like the skirts and heels they feel stifling. Again a bit with themes of freedom and not wanting an aesthetic pushed onto her. So yes just to reiterate, I think this is more about self-affirmation and how her identity and self-image gets shown to others, rather than wishing to hide parts of her body like her blushing etc for people pleasing reasons. Makeup was a way for her to appear how she wants to and feel more confident. It was a way to take control over her own image. She didn’t keep doing it, the narrator stating the process to be ‘troublesome’. Ultimately she still prioritizes her comfort, and it was a lot of recurring efforts to go through.

And on the topic of appearances… A friend once asked me: "Does she really hide herself or not? I keep thinking about "falin is herself first and foremost" (in her Adventurer’s Bible profile) it’s just so. Hmmmmmmmm... I just keep seeing people say she hides her real self from people when I feel like the issue is more about her charitable traits straying too far into becoming flaws but people around her dont realize that..."

Imo the thing is, I don’t think she hides her identity, but I do think she suppresses her individuality for others’ sakes if that makes sense. In the way that only post-canon does she allows herself to go see what the world is like, but that’s not personality wise it’s needs and wants wise. And I do feel like that’s the closest interpretation of canon, she says it herself she doesn’t know what she wants because everything she’s done was always about Laios or Marcille, but she doesn’t change her demeanor or personality for others. But she *will*, like, not ask for things she wants directly, like sharing lunches with Marcille at the academy, she suppresses her wants, doesn’t ask things from people and doesn’t hope for more, hope for better. I don’t think we ever see her actively repress her personality, except like what, being more laidback than enthusiastic but I do feel like unlike Laios with her it’s less ‘appearing stoic to fit in more’ and more ‘yeah i’ll just chill until I’m needed or something activates my enthusiasm’. To which said friend quoted: "to feel like you belong you need to be useful. when you can’t be useful the next best thing is being convenient."

And speaking of passivity… I want to speculate about Shuro’s proposal some more. Shuro and her got along well though we don’t know how much, or how often they hung out, she even saved him from a nightmare. Why did she take so long answering Shuro’s proposal? Was it an effort to preserve or was she really just that conflicted? Procrastination probably yes, but what is the core motivation of itl Considering she ended up saying no to travel the world instead, I don’t think it was as simple as ‘she wanted to say yes for convenience’. Logically it’s what would have been best, but it’s not what she wanted for herself, but it was and still is hard for her to even know what she wants. Probably, since like she states it was a great offer and she doesn’t think she’ll get proposed to again, it’s that self-effacing tendency that yes it’d be convenient and logical, and that makes her want to say yes even if her spirit isn’t in it, because if it’s convenient then that’s more important than her feelings on the matter. Man also… Obviously Marcille is very vocal about how she shouldn’t get with Shuro, but imagine how Falin’s whole perspective on marriage must have felt when her only friend ever is a Romantic with a capital R who gushes about idealized romances and grand gestures and True Love and doing things with fully pure feelings all the time.

AND speaking of passivity!!! How much Falin is "there" as the chimera, just how much she’s master of her actions, is left ambiguous and intentionally so imo, but she’s for sure there & influencing the dragon’s action to some degree. Having a dragon’s foot on her in purgatory that keeps her from moving for sure visualizes how it must have been like, but there’s Falin calling out to her brother Laios, there’s the kind attentions towards Thistle that are so Falin-like, and most explicitly there’s the Adventurer’s Bible stating "Even after becoming a chimera, she has a soul that's as kind as ever", which I honestly dislike, a fantranslation puts it as "Even as the chimera, her caring nature remains" and either way to me it feels like confirmation that it’s her giving those berries to Thistle. Now, wether or not she has the mental capacity of a chicken or something closer to human Falin, no clue, there has to at least be some kind of mind bond between monsters and the dungeon lord, compelling or forcing them to go along with orders, or calling her to him in distress like with the fight on the first floor. But yes, it’s interesting to wonder what it is that a Falin, with her kind soul but without her human mind, would willingly do. On her profile, she’s described as Thistle’s guardian and servant. The power dynamic between the two are very interesting, I already went into how it might have felt like freedom to her while being fake so I’ll reign myself in and just mention it again. She’s still at the heel of someone, only now it’s someone who doesn’t care about her back. Going from being cared for so strongly that it’s suffocating and they would defy death and the world for you, to being devoted to someone who has not one feeling about you besides your utility as a paw . She has all this care to give and to focus onto others and he has none to send back to her and I think that’s part of it. In a way, being left with only her own feelings and a void, without expectations or feelings or ideals pushed onto her, it might have been soothing in itself, and eye opening. But yes the way I think of it, her care for Thistle isn’t unlike the care she gives the ghosts.

Interestingly, the care she extends for the ghosts is sending their soul to a peaceful death, freeing them, of life and any earthly attachment. Take that as you will with the themes of freedom and burden of life and mind, immortality and becoming a warped version of who you were, and such and such.

But going back on the topic of connections and bonds for a bit, I think academy days Falin & Marcille is super interesting bc we’ve never really see Falin form a connection besides with Marcille and even that is kept pretty ambiguous. When was the point that Falin started seeing Marcille as a friend and seeking her out? When was the "I’ll lay down my life for you" point? I’m so fascinated by how she wanted to share lunches with Marcille but never truly asked, only made little "hey want this? I found it isn’t it cool?" gestures of showing things to her… It’s the only way she knows to ask, or maybe it’s the only way she feels comfortable to. In all the scenes of young Falin and Marcille Falin seems comfortable in her friendship with Marcille, but at the same time… I think we see Falin at her most insecure around Marcille, because she really does care about Marcille and what she thinks of her so much, and while Marcille is a bit of an unstoppable force tornado style (affectionate) Falin is something of a doormat. I’d usually say showing her berries was her earnest way to connect and be like "Hey bestie look at this! :]" , but there’s a real possibility that she was self-conscious and holding herself back.

Friendship and Marcille! Involving Laios into this too but, again with the autism thing of not showing you care in ways that others understand, Marcille being very overtly affectionate and clingy was so so soo important… Marcille keeping on hanging out with Falin and caring after her, and being undeterred/unbothered by Falin not always seeming like she cares all that much back in the conventional way, as in Falin acts nonchalant and a bit like she didn’t mind wether she was there with her or not during her outings to the cave dungeon. Caring and being clingy and so affectionate despite that in such a classic Marcille way is soo needed, because so often people will get discouraged by say, their friend not keeping in contact regularly/well, seeming disaffected or as happy-go-lucky as ever even if you haven’t seen each other in a while or when they’re alone, and yes there’s potential for a strong friendship there but someone like Falin won’t be committed enough to reciprocating attention the same way… I hope I’m making sense but yes this angle in particular strongly correlates to autism. And the way Marcille always initiates physical affection, both Toudens being awkward about initiating touch because they don’t know if that’s allowed, if they’re going about the social interaction the right way, if they’re allowed to ask that out of someone…

Another fun observation to make is about the 4 years Falin and Marcille spent apart. Marcille despite being of a long-lived race treated these 4 years of separation with more gravity than Falin did. Falin brushed it off very dismissively to say the least. But then you remember that the amount of time Falin and Laios didn’t see each other after he left the village was 8 years. Double the years, double the time. And that reminder makes Falin’s actions so starkingly understandable. Of course she wouldn’t see 4 years of separation as a long time if 8 years of separation with her beloved brother is her point of comparison. Of course she’d see it as worth it to leave Marcille for 4 years if it meant ending those 8 years instead, especially if she was worried about him (the reason why she followed him into his caravan job).

A friend always says that while Falin is the center of Marcille’s world, Laios’ is at the center of Falin’s, and I tend to agree.

It’s fun to think of how her career dreams had always been shaped by Laios, even when they were kids. Of course there’s how traveling the world began as a dream they talked about and shared, but there’s how he reassures her by listing cool jobs she could do like traveling exorcist, etc. And then of course, she gave up on her magic academy and career path to follow him and do odd jobs, etc etc.

I should go into the violence of Faligon more tbh, because I think there’s an interesting parallel to how she has no problem wacking things with a mace, wether a ghost when she was a kid or a walking mushroom as an adult. Something that often surprises fans when they remember, I don’t really want to get into the whole " Falin hates violence and hates seeing people in pain to an intense degree. ‘If you die do it somewhere where I can’t see’ style’ interpretation, it has some weight but on the whole I don’t vibe with the theory she has a particular aversion to violence, she seems to be fine resorting to it as much as any other adventurer as long as it isn’t needlessly against ghosts. And Falin’s sudden mace hits are fun to me too because it’s not her becoming a berserker when the need arises as much as her becoming active because something she cares about is threatened, and that brings her out of her passivity from 99% of the rest of the time. Thistle included. Falin always could be violent, she just dislikes senseless carnage. The Shuro party vs chimera fight is a bit ambiguous on it, because you can argue she only attached after being provoked, presumably offscreen as well while the ninjas went off to fight the harpies. Falin becomes the most active when she needs to protect someone, she has no qualms doing whatever’s needed for that, wether it be leaving the academy & Marcille without notice no matter the consequences or what her parents think, or teleporting the party, etc.

I’m working on a post specifically pointing out all the differences between Falin and Laios, but yes I think both of them selfishly desire freedom in different yet similar ways. Falin’s dark secret is "Ethics and risks are optional if it means I can protect those I love" like the teleportation, and Laios’ is "Ethics and risks are optional if I can be free of all this bullshit" aka humanity aka his wish with the winged lion.

Conclusion

Flighted birds have hollow bones. With freedom and wings there comes risks and sacrifices.

Tldr: Falin doesn’t care all that much, she’s very go with the flow. For example if someone hates her she doesn’t really care because that’d require her caring about what they think of her in the first place, and she only cares about her loved ones. She smiles, but it’s more a state of being rather than out of active goodness: she’s canonically very genuinely kind, but it’s more out of a general want for pleasantness than active care itself. She’s passive, and softspoken because that’s just how she seems, but she has no problem hopping into bushes or getting heated if something calls to her enthusiasm or calls for action and a hit of the ol’ mace. Her loved ones needing tending or protective is what makes her go from passive to active. That familiar autopilot mode of making someone the center of her world and following their every move is what made her so easy to be controlled as the chimera, even ferociously defending him with her life. Faligon is most interesting to me with the theme of freedom. She’s shackled to Thistle and out of her mind, but there’s also a sense of empowerment and freedom from expectations and society. She spends all her time caring for Laios and Marcille alternating that none of her care and emotional energy is left for others, including herself. So she had to get relieved of all of that for a bit, becoming the chimera so she could reset and recenter and remember that she, too, indeed, is there and an important part of her own life. There’s a way of caring after others that can be selfish, not unlike Marcille being overly coddling and not listening to Falin. In Falin’s case, I think it was so selfless that it ended up looping back around to erasing her sense of self. In losing sight of herself, that devotion becoming neither quite selfish or selfless but a fact of life and a state of nature, muddled by its lack of direction.

She’s sooo used to never being able to ask things out of others, you get the crumbs of affection and approval that others offer to you unprompted and that’s it don’t hope for more don’t ask for more. (Also reflected in how she follows her loved ones around without complain or personal opinions and how she’s not willing to rock the boat and affirm herself in her relationships like with Marcille during canon)

Falin cares so much, so much and so laser focused on her few loved ones that it blinds her and she loses sight of everything else, she ends up neglecting herself and the rest of the world. As Kui puts it, Falin is herself first and foremost. She just had to remember the importance of that.

-

I see her as an enneagram 9, which can be surprisingly accurate and fun to research through the lense of Falin. Excerpt below from this book, but like my god, good way to put it

That’s it, ty for reading. Even if it’s a bit of a mess, hopefully you’ll have gained a thing or two from it. Falin is a character hard to pin down, but it is very gratifying when you find the way that the puzzle pieces fit together right for your own understanding of the story. Fantranslation of the shuro proposal comic by @/thatsmimi here.

Here’s my spotify playlist for her if you’d like

Sometimes love is about letting go, a lesson a lot of the cast needed to learn. Self-love’s important too, and just like with diets we need a healthy balance.

[qkmlh]

I’m a simple soul

I see a hot blooded trauma fueled man with an ego and daddy issues become an unwilling single mother who then steps up after multiple trials and errors to grow into a proper parent that fights tooth and nail for his daughter AND face said daddy issues head on for the betterment of his child thus reconciling and healing his own relationship with his father and bringing an enthusiastic grandpa into the mix

and I crumble

[lazylittledragon]

my favourite thing is naming new documents when you PROMISED you wouldn’t start any new projects

[tariah23]

One of the main reasons why I used to avoid Isekai’s, and fantasy works in general, like the plague is because of how over saturated they’d become with things that didn’t feel like they even belonged to the genre to begin with… it’s not too hard to find works that stand out but so much of those works have been pushed down and forgotten, it just sucks.

[spextronaut]

Star Trek has permanently altered how I view people touching hands in media because of yk. The Vulcan ‘hand touch = kiss’ thing. Which can be incredibly annoying especially when I see fanart where two characters are touching hands in any way and I immediately think “ohohohoho so scandalous” when no. it really isn’t.

But it also makes me seem like an incredibly,,, horny? person from like the 1600s when touching hands before marriage was an ‘immediately going to hell’ kind of sin. Anyway all that’s to say is I am SLUT SHAMING every single person who has EVER held hands in a romantic sense before MARRIAGE do you even KNOW what that MEANS /j

[turtleblogatlast]

Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.

Long-winded interpretation under the cut!

Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.

You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)

The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.

Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.

And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.

For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.

“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)

So, where does this leave us?

It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!

Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.

To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.

And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.

Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.

[anna-scribbles]

h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work

unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion

[tinned-beef]

Allison Hargreeves is being unfairly vilified?

Allison Hargreeves as in 'SA'd Luther' Allison Hargreeves? Allison Hargreeves as in 'confirmed Viktor's worst ongoing fears and anxieties just because Viktor was grieving his friend/stepson and it annoyed her' Allison Hargreeves? Allison Hargreeves 'contributed to the deaths of two of her siblings' Allison Hargreeves? Allison Hargreeves 'nothing anyone else has lost over the course of this nightmare matters as much as what I lost so I'm gonna fuck everything up potentially irreparably' Allison Hargreeves?

That Allison Hargreeves? I mean don't get me wrong I like her but she's very much a villain right now. She's an interesting villain, a compelling villain, a better villain than Reggie since we actually know wtf her problem is and we wish things hadn't turned out this way. But a villain all the same.

i don't think allison is a villain. at best, i'd say she's an antihero. at worst, she was a catalyst for viktor's arc in season three.

i would like to start by saying that i'm not defending allison's actions. i think what she did was wrong. however, i don't think she deserves all the hate that she's gotten. she's a character that is very morally gray, and people continue to paint her in solely black or white.

what i try to convey in this... very long post is that there's a reason for what allison does in season three. the question of if she’s a villain or not can be debated, but i believe that the reasons for her actions don’t make her a villain.

a big reason why the umbrella academy is such an incredible show is that all the umbrellas are flawed and nuanced, and despite it all they love. all of the umbrellas have their faults, and allison is no different.

in season three allison has lost all hope. she thinks she will never see her child again, her husband is dead, the world is ending, and to her it seems like her siblings don't give a shit. amidst all the chaos and the whirlwind of her life, she needs something that she's used to. something she knows how to navigate.

so she turns to luther. and she gets the comfort she's looking for but it's not right.

allison and luther's relationship is something that has been a topic of many debates in this fandom. i don't really want to get into it right now, but they've always been a person of comfort to each other. allison wants to feel loved and cared for, and she thinks she can get that comfort from luther.

allison is naturally selfish. she's used to getting what she wants. she's used to having the world at her fingertips. and yet almost everything she's held close to her heart has been ripped away from her. and she's never getting it back.

in season three she falls back onto her old habits, rumoring people left and right with no consideration for others. it makes sense because it's the only way she knows how to get what she wants.

and then she rumors luther. she doesn't want to lose him either, and she thinks that he's choosing sloane over her (which is true, but she thinks he's leaving forever. she thinks she'll lose him too). but she almost instantly realizes what she's done, almost instantly tries to take it away.

as for her relationship with viktor, that's another can of worms. in season one, allison is the only one really trying to mend that relationship with viktor. but it's a rocky road. allison snaps at viktor, viktor snaps at allison. these two have had tension from the very start. eventually, that bond had to snap.

at the start of season three, viktor is the only one that really tries to help allison. he stands up for her, and comforts her after she returns from la. but by episode three allison is so consumed by her grief that she's already clashing with viktor.

and when harlan makes an appearance, it just gets worse. harlan is like a son to viktor. someone viktor can care for. and when viktor turns that care and attention away from allison and instead towards harlan, it hurts. why is viktor allowed to have his child when allison will never get to see claire again?

in season three luther tells viktor that allison has “always been good to you (viktor)”. but there comes a point where your love and gratitude towards someone can morph into bitterness and hate.

the reason i say allison is a catalyst for viktor in season three is because the writers needed someone to contest his ideas. someone that will create a struggle for viktor that he will ultimately come out of with a new lesson learned. and allison is a great contender for that position. the show needs conflict in order to have an engaging story at all, and tense relationships between the siblings can be seen throughout all three seasons. (luther and diego in season one, ben and klaus in season two)

as for the deaths of her siblings, do you really think she wanted that to happen? she doesn’t want to lose any more people, that’s the main driver of her character shift in this season.

allison turns towards reginald because she sees it as the only option left. klaus does the same thing, so why is it any different when allison does it? she didn’t know her siblings would die in the process.

allison isn’t even the only sibling that has contributed to a sibling’s (almost) death. viktor slashes her throat in season one, ben sacrifices himself to save the world, and luther willingly walks into the room to talk to reginald. how is that allison’s fault?

i think this is also why five gives his talk to viktor, not allison. he understands what allison is going through on some level, understands the despair of losing those who are close to you. understands being willing to do anything to get them back. even though he quite loudly disagrees with allison making a deal with reginald, it's because he knows she's getting tricked. reginald never had their best interests at heart.

they’ve all lost people, and they all react to that loss in different ways. in season 1, when diego finds that patch was killed, he instantly wants to go for revenge. he plans on going after hazel and cha cha but five inevitably talks him out of it.

allison doesn’t have that influence. in fact, diego suggests to instead let that grief out through anger. i don’t think it was a very good solution in the end.

and despite all that, she wants to redeem herself. she tries to tell viktor the truth, she admits that she made the plan for all of them. she kills reginald and she’s the one that pushes the button at the end of season three. there’s so much left that we don’t know. did allison know what would happen when she pressed the button? did she know what reginald’s real plan was?

but in the end, allison is the reality of a person who has lost those who are closest to her. it’s probably the best job the writers have done while showing trauma and grief. i don’t think allison is a villain, and i think that accusing her of solely caring about herself is unfair.

[fantasykiri5]

Sorry but I’m just not going to pay attention to some of the bad kids’ canon heights. Some of them are listed as too damn tall (and Gorgug has 100 percent grown since freshman year) so have 80 million headcanons

Like you’re telling me Riz is supposed to be 4’4”?? That’s a tall ass goblin! That’s too big to be reasonably carted around on the others’ shoulders, no no, I’m making the executive decision to draw him as 3’9” - 3’11” from now on and you can’t stop me. I’d give him another inch or two by college and that’s it.

Kristen being 5’11”? NAH She’s 5’6”. BIG 5’6” energy right there.

Adaine and Fig didn’t have their heights listed on the wiki but I’m thinking Adaine is 5’10” and Fig is 5’4”. Or Fig is also 5’10” ish and takes after Gorthalax idk but I’m leaning towards short Fig.

Fabian can actually stay same as canon at 6’1”. Maybe grow an inch or two since freshman year but honestly his still works. He’s a year older than the others, prolly grew a little earlier and plateaued early-mid sophomore year, half-elf youth look and all that. I think he lied in introductions freshman year and was about 5’11” - 6’0” and grew over the year before the others could notice the discrepancy.

And Gorgug. Gorgug. You’re telling me he reached 6’4” in freshman year and didn’t keep growing?? Mother fucker he has to have hit at LEAST one growth spurt since, puberty does not hit that early in boys that he was done growing at 14/15. I’m thinking 6’8” or so by Junior Year so far, maybe another couple inches before graduating, maybe not.

[phantomram-b00]

*clap hand and sigh* Look I should not be up at this hour (I was up at 5 am writing this) or posting since I don’t want to accidentally get myself shadowbanned or whatnot (I do have another good omens post coming up regarding metatron so stay tone for that). But I saw like some post regarding how Aziraphale doesn’t love Crowley as much/Azirpahale never did anything for Crowley. And it been wracking my brain because, did we not watch the same show? (I would say book but I’m still reading it)

Look before i continue, I do think we all have opinions, that’s valid. I just want to say my two cent since I can’t find myself agree with those claims.

But imma give Crowley his flowers because this soft demonic husband deserve it, yes, he done stuff for Aziraphale. Some that can risk him getting destroyed by hell such as saving the literal angel of eastern gate. He’s take him out for lunch, help him whenever Aziraphale ask him too. If there was a way to describe the love language “act of service” that’s Crowley to the absolute T. So I don’t think we can deny that fact about him, but Crowley would absolutely disagree with the fact that Azirpahale has done nothing for him consider the fact that there evidence and implication that Aziraphale done stuff for him.

In episode 3 of season 1, during the Shakespearean era segment, it was said that they do each other blessing and temptations since as Crowley stated “they don’t care how it done as long as they can cross it off the list” so who know how many temptation/blessing Crowley and Aziraphale did for each other, (lowkey I would love to see how Aziraphale does temptation, i miss this part as I’m rewatching GO for the metatron post coming up I don’t know how I missed that part but now that I discover this, make me think). The point is, this is one of many indication that Aziraphale does help Crowley.

Same episode, Holy Water, now this is the prime indication that I think we can all agree (or not, I’m just a phantom writing this blog). Now, before, can we see just how Aziraphale didn’t say “oh I can’t give this to you because I’ll get in trouble” no he said “it will destroy you”; that show just how he cares about Crowley, he doesn’t care about his job or that he was breaking the rules no no his main concern was Crowley. Sure he did after words when mention “fraternizing” (which honestly Crowley, me too I would be mad too if fraternize was used. But I can understand why Aziraphale said that as well.) but Crowley put Aziraphale in a difficult position, because while sure maybe Aziraphale could give him holy water but that would be not only breaking protocol but also giving him worry because given this happen after Elspeth episode, of course his mind will be concern of this whole thing. Especially with him saying “if anything goes pear-shaped”. And you know in 1967, he does give it to him overall, regardless of what he said. Because at least imo, he learn that he has to trust him. Just like how Crowley trusted him in 1941 with the magic show (remember this.) he trusting him here.

Okay now this is mostly all of season 1/2 before I mention what he’ve done for Crowley in season 2. The fact that Aziraphale help Crowley try to stop armageddon. Now you might be saying one or two things “Phantom, he back out in episode 3” or even “um, but it was mutual?” And you know you’re right on both those points. He did back out and it was mutual, but it still an example of doing something for Crowley. Why? Because they both love earth, they would do anything to preserve earth. Not only that, they can’t bare the idea of having to fight each other in this celestial war let alone the idea of one of them getting hurt. So they would not have gone through with this end of the world stick if it mean that they lost everything, now Crowley did agree with armageddon on general terms as God said in episode 1, season 1. BUT, actually doing it and going through with it is a different playing field and Crowley nor Aziraphale don’t want to lose everything they love (especially each other). Now it did take a lot of convincing, most because Azirpahale want to stop it more than Crowley but there one thing that is holding him back or make him scared to go against them: Heaven.

It kinda like an analogy where, say, you’re getting bullied or say that you’re dealing with an toxic family member, boss, whoever. And you yourself know they’re toxic, and you have people who can tell you “stand up to them” or “don’t let them get to you, tell them off”. And you can agree and try to build courage. But actually doing it is as the famous saying goes “easier said then done”, and Aziraphale would rather just put a fake smile and try to make everything look good so that he doesn’t get reprimanded by heaven, he doesn’t have Crowley’s confidence which I have this feeling most people forget about. Sure, Aziraphale have all rights to tell them off after the shit we the audience see or hear them do to him, or what Aziraphale had to allow happen, such as the flood for example or witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ or even the fact that they almost killed him with hellfire, just because he wanted to save the universe. (Also the fact that it might have been implied that they drill into his head that if he ever does anything against God’s “plan”, he will fall like Lucifer or any of the other angels). But he can’t. Which is why he back out at first, because he was terrified that he would get in trouble or fall. (Which. Without saying much, I kinda would’ve done the same in fear.) and you can see it in his eyes, that he want more than anything to run away, yet, he still trying to push it down. Bottle it up if you will as his effort to try to back out. Now of course as we all saw how season one ended, he did ended up saving the world after all and I think Aziraphale and Crowley would do it again so they can be on their own side. So Aziraphale did hold his end of the bargain when it came to saving the world which is why I’m including this in my argument because yes this is mutual, Aziraphale still pull through with not just the help of Crowley but with Agnes Nutter’s book and Adam himself.

Now imma go with season 2, which is “season of love” as Rent would say.

Now, we love it, we cried about it, or we want to rip metatron a new asshole (which imma just say, I have never seen a fandom have this much togetherness of hating a character since GOT with Joffrey. But I’m all in, I hate him in season 1, season 2 just made me hate him more. But I will say, Derek Jacobi is doing a phenomenal as him and I can’t wait to see what season 3 will have with Metatron.) but I digress, let continue this rant.

Episode 2, season 2, is the episode that solidified many things for me. But let get to the point, Aziraphale could’ve stop Crowley from “killing everything job worked hard for” but he was gonna let him do it because Heaven said “oh yeah we decided to make this poor man lose everything because we wanted to win a bet with Satan.” But seeing how Crowley didn’t actually kill the goats, made Aziraphale happy, and in a sense began trusting Crowley’s process here. Even when Crowley set the house on fire and turn the kids into gecko, he still trusted him. And sure enough, everything work out at the end as Aziraphale help him through this plan on giving Job back his kids (even though heaven was gonna make job’s wife give birth to seven more kids. Which my crotch hurts from hearing that-). Sure Azirpahale had doubts and had a breakdown, but given as I mention earlier and how he’s the only angel (maybe besides Muriel) that have a conscience and broke a rule by giving away the sword, he have conflicting views but also is trying not to have a conscience to fit in with the angels and follow their lead despite he was never seen as an equal. But this still is example never the less as if Aziraphale didn’t do something thing would’ve ended different.

Now imma get to the one that is probably another prime example of Aziraphale doing something for Crowley, is the magic show (or at last the minisode in episode 4). After Crowley saved Aziraphale, he had to go to deliver something for the black market, and seeing his item was destroyed (most likely from the bomb), he got reprimanded by Mrs Henderson. And on Crowley’s behalf, Aziraphale decided to volunteer as a magician. He even bought the gun to do a show stopping trick so that it can impress her and not reprimand Crowley any longer (but of course just an excuse to do magic, which me too. I love magic). Now Crowley did have his concerns especially with the gun and also that Aziraphale never done this in front of many people. But this episode, they both have to trust each other, Crowley with the magic trick and Aziraphale trusting Crowley with not just the gun but he trust that he would never hurt him.

Now I’m sure I’m forgetting more with season two (mostly because i still rewatching it starting from season 1, so let me know if you think there were other example of Azirpahale doing stuff for Crowley. Whether it was from season 1/2.)

But I think also the other thing is that, they actively protect each other from their side, they keep their friendship a secret. They swap bodies to not get burn by holy water/hellfire. And much more, so I dislike it when people think Aziraphale done nothing for Crowley when he ultimately have. Sure it seem Crowley does stuff more for aziraphale, but we can’t pretend like he didn’t do anything at all and I’m pretty sure he would done more for him if it wasn’t for heaven constantly being in the way.

As for the love point, imma say this, people show love differently. Why do you think we have so many ship dynamic and it usually two with either similar/opposite contrasting with the other love interest. Aziraphale show love in a different way, now I’ve seen people say that aziraphale love language would be physical touch, which, I think make sense considering he did held Crowley’s hand and we’ve all seen the amount of time he touched Crowley. However what if I told you his love language was Quality time? Because, Aziraphale usually talk about “oh why not have a picnic” or whenever Crowley offers lunch, he lights up. Or of course when Aziraphale tries to convince Crowley to use the Bentley he said “just like how that bookshop is technically mine but we get quite a use of it.” Or perhaps, whenever they’re with each other; Aziraphale have a smile. (Even when sometimes he tries to hide it, I love smiles). He can’t go a day without Crowley despite that they always been separate from each decade but I have my feelings that whenever they separate, Aziraphale feel a bit lost without him, not to say he doesn’t have other things but we all miss your best friend/crush/soulmate/etc, and Crowley most definitely does too. (Also who want to bet that most of the diary entry involve Crowley if not just an entire entry is like “dear diary, did you know Crowley’s yellow eyes are my favorite aspect and that’s why I love the color yellow-“ but I’m detailing here my bad.)

But another thing is that, I feel people who say that, don’t understand what it like having to hide yourself but have someone or something drilling to your head and is constantly reminding you that “you can’t love them because xyz” or most noteworthy, don’t know how toxic environment expect an individual. Because Aziraphale does love him he would do anything to be with Crowley, but heaven is not only what is ultimately holding him back, it him himself. He got this promotion and he toke it, (with the mention that he didn’t want to go until Crowley was brought into the picture) and now he knows that the second coming is well. Coming. And now he has to try to save earth, just without Crowley this time. Now why I’m bringing this up? Well, because you can see him once again pushing away any part of him that is telling him to go to Crowley or be by his side, it the same thing as episode 3 when he did tried to back out because of heaven, it the same thing here only heaven really got to him, heaven showed an inch (and I mean an little inch) of kindness and a promising deal and he was on board. But that cause him to “lose” Crowley (and I’m saying lose in quotation because I don’t think he really lose or that this is a divorce, I just more or less think Crowley just can’t trust Aziraphale this time with this plan and pull his support of the table). So now he have to revert back to his old ways to try to make sure the world won’t end again for not just humanity but for Crowley as well, and this is probably another example of Aziraphale doing something for Crowley and show that he love him, even if this decision caused him Crowley ultimately. I’m sure he wishes whenever he read a Jane Austen or any love stories (with happy endings.) that that can be Crowley and him; no worries, no heaven and hell, nothing. Just them basking in their love and have no worries. But he know that might not be achievable. (Oh how cruel Cupid/God can be.)

I going to reiterate this again, everyone have their own valid opinion regarding this. I just needed to get my two cent since I hate when people think they’re toxic when they’re not. Both and yes I do mean Aziraphale and Crowley, do have their flaws that need mending but no way they’re toxic by any means. Truly if they were this toxic, why would Michael sheen be liking ineffable husband fanart, why would Neil Gaiman say it a love story between them, or better yet, why would these two be friends if they were toxic? Do they have flaws that need working on? yes of course no relationship is 100% perfect. Will Crowley forgive him so easily? No, I wouldn’t think so, I’m not saying Aziraphale is wrong with what he choose but the fact that he didn’t take him or the bookshop into consideration that gonna take some time to heal. (I promise I’ll make a Crowley post, I do love Crowley too, it just Azirpahale my all time favorite and I kin this character. But I promise someday I will give best boy his time to shine I just need to find a topic for him.)

Okay, i think that’s the post for today, OH! And also happy spooky season! It about to be Halloween! I love halloween! So I hope you all have a good October, and don’t worry more post will come I’m just trying to make sure I don’t accidentally shadowban myself or be annoying with my post lmao. But tell me what you think? Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know ^^ all your options,questions, and statements are valid ❤️

[dceasesd]

look i love and support the classics nerd jason headcanon as much as the next person but i know deep in my heart that rather than being a “i worship the ground austen walks on” classics nerd he’d 100% be a fitzgerald/hemingway snob

[chimerahyperfix]

You’re looking for something— no, someone, too, aren’t you?

(I can’t comprehend how you understand what’s going on, with your lifeless shell. Craft as you are.)

[quins-makeshift-menagerie]

The process is a bitch and I want to fight it

[yonemurishiroku]

*grabs Will’s collar* What do you mean Nico being happy is a funny joke?