#this post was most about comments on the religious trauma aspect

[durge-marzio]

Ohhh, I'm rereading Mystra's entry in the Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide... and this detail:

This means Gale was punished for trying to restore and preserve what he thought was a lost piece of Mystra's magic. Gale being Mystra's ex-lover put aside. He as her follower, she his goddess, was punished for attempting to do the one foundational rule of her faith.

I'm seething and so sad at the same time.

Edit: I used the word punish loosely, as in, toxic/abusive people will take any small mistake or action and twist it into something they can take advantage of. This post was also largely from the stand point of a toxic deity rather than a toxic partner, but both takes are valid here. Especially with the, “you didn’t stay compliant so now I’m giving you the silent treatment” part of it—from a god and a partner perspective.

[theinfernalsanctuary]

Greetings, Sister!

I have a question or two for you, if you're able to answer. :)

I'm going to be honest, I've been STRESSING the fuck out about how to write this so I'm going to try and keep it as short and blunt as possible.

I'm young (18) and I have Bipolar, OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was also raised Catholic and have religious trauma regarding my thoughts and actions being constantly surveilled and judged, which has left me very hyper-aware of my thoughts.

These mental health challenges, especially Bipolar, have made my relationship to religion very conflicting and confusing. I have periods of extreme, unwavering belief in Lord Satan and then I will then constantly doubt His existence as well as my own loyalty, which is very distressing and exhausting.

Reverend Cain was my first substantial step into Theistic Satanism when I was 14. I've read The Infernal Gospel front to back and I've read some of The Satanic Philosopher and The Goetia Devils before I had to delete them out of fear of being caught reading Satanic literature.

I do very much respect and admire Reverend Cain, but the emphasis of complete and utter loyalty irks me a bit. He might have not meant it to be conveyed this way and it's just my religious anxieties, but the "You must be completely loyal and devoted to Hell or else I will smite you and everything you hold dear will be destroyed," really scares me.

Deep down I do believe in Satan and I do recognize him as my Father, but I'm so deeply frightened that I'm not "loyal" enough and that I will be seen as insincere by the Denizens of Hell because of my unstable mood swings and Reverend Cain has commented on how the Denizens feel about insincere followers(?).

What are your thoughts? I understand that I'm young, I definitely haven't had any proper interactions with demons and that my anxiety overtakes me at times, but this is a topic that is important and personal to me and I'm afraid to upset the Infernal Kingdom and especially Lord Satan Himself. :(

Thank you so much for your time, even if you just read and choose not to answer. <3

Signed, a young Satanist who has no idea what the fuck they're doing.

I'm sorry that that was your experience with Reverend Cain's works, I personally didn't have that experience and I hope that youll take another shot at it later. That being said, I think that now would be a good time to take a step back and continue deconstructing your pre-existing religious beliefs. If you're still afraid of Lord Satan and Hell as a whole, now is not the time to truly begin your journey, you cannot be afraid of the guy that's trying to help you if you're going to get far. That being said, something tells me that this isn't so much being afraid of Satan or upsetting him as much as it is being afraid of dissapointing him. (Hello, Catholicism!)

You mentioned being afraid of smiting or being labeled as insincere, but the concern that you show, in my opinion confirms your sincerity. When we talk about sincerity in your beliefs, it's more about intentions than the beliefs itself. Why did you turn to Satanism? Was it out of spite or the selfish need to be the eternal contrarian, or was it because there was something that called to you that felt safe or was even just interesting? People focus so much on prayer and rituals in worship when the learning is worship in of itself, even if it is the most passive form.

Many of the things that I post are more geared towards people who have moved past their initial deconstruction and because of that it has a very heavy focus on the spiritual aspects of worship over the practical, but that learning and deconstructing phase is incredibly important and incredibly difficult. Your faith will constantly ebb and flow, that's human nature as much as people don't want to admit it, especially when mental illness come into play. It's so important to not beat yourself up about it even if that means that you have to step away for a bit.

And finally, even if you decide that this isn't for you, nothing is going to happen to you because of it. I promise.

[lexiklecksi]

Happy international women’s day!

I wanted to write an intelligent post for this international women’s day, but frankly, I am exhausted. Exhausted of discussing my rights, freedom, existence and sexuality with strangers online. Exhausted of leaving my social media bubble which consists of cool, queer and feminist people to get hit by reality.

There are still too many people who think women’s rights aren’t human rights. And that is unbelievable to me because whether you identify as a woman or not, we need to care about all people in this society. I’m also exhausted about discussing why we still need feminism and why gender equality benefits all genders. But I’m also inspired.

Inspired by all these magnificent women on here who continue to fight for their rights, empower other women and inspire me to not give up the fight. Inspired by all the nonbinary folks and feminist men out there who show their identity even when they are constantly getting harassed. For all the brave people who have suffered from sexual harassment and abuse but chose to live with their trauma.

I know that I am incredibly privileged and I always considered myself to not be a victim of this patriarchal society. But the more I think about all the comments others made about my body, the way some people keep questioning my skills and competence just because I am a woman ….

The gender pay gap and the gender data gap are real, so please educate yourself. Women are still being discriminated against in all aspects of their lives, from their own home to public spaces to the court room. Even in a workplace environment, whether it is harassment or getting paid less than their male colleagues. And I’m not even in a position to talk about working mothers, who have to juggle being there for their children and working full-time while facing uninvited judgment for it.

Let’s face reality: Nobody wants to be a victim, we want to be empowered, to feel free and live our lives the way we deem right. And I hope that’s possible in the near future, at least where I live, but there’s so much to work on. So let’s work on smashing the patriarchy together!

And even though some feminists might disagree with me on this: patriarchal structures suppress everyone who isn’t rich or in power and that includes most men. So it’s not just the female urge to smash the patriarchy, it’s the human urge to free ourselves from the societal, political and religious suppression that tries to hold us down, keep us small and hush our voices. Feel free to discuss this topic further in the comments, this is a safe space.

If anyone feels the need to write something hateful in my comment section, I will delete it. That’s just to ensure my own mental health and to protect the people reading this post and comments. I am open to discussion, but my rights are not up for a debate.

Let’s smash the patriarchy together!

Noted: When I speak of women, of course that includes trans women.

[cinehomophile]

Fanfic Writer Questions

no one tagged me in this but doing anyway bc i am fixating on fanfic rn lol

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 29

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 58,770

3. What fandoms do you write for? Everything but rn focused on The Deer Hunter and Mean Streets

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

words: Mean Streets hurt/comfort about internalized homophobia

yeah i want a scab today: Reservoir Dogs character study about BPD!Freddy

he wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowlful of blood: Mean Streets dead dove about religious guilt

dreams of knowledge: Mean Streets hurt/comfort about religious guilt

Kolya: The Deer Hunter character study about immigrant identity

5. Do you respond to comments? for the most part, i think comments and replies are an important aspect of fic culture

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably in its right place.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? be sweet to me, baby is probably the happiest it gets lmao

8. Do you get hate on fics? No despite my efforts

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Generally no

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? Have not in a long time but recall writing something that was RWBYxMinecraft in 2016

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No afaik

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? No but I have translated a few fics

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have co-created a podfic with @fruitysalamander1398

14. What's your all time favorite ship? really hard to say. i think i was more insane about JotaKak than anything else but i dont have much interest in it now

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? atp i avoid starting things i can't finish. if i have a WIP i just pretend thats where i wanted it to end it my life is very easy. fic where i ship two abstract entities that i will never post and exists entirely on notebook pages and post-its

16. What are your writing strengths? Character studies, characters with complex trauma

17. What are your writing weaknesses? rich sensory descriptions bc my brain does not work like that

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? do it myself a lot but implementing is clunky and a pain in the ass

19. First fandom you wrote for? First fic I remember writing was for Little House on the Prarie when I was 9 lmao

20. Favorite fic you've written? hell is finding someone to love is definitely up there it's a very fun read. Angst and Pinging was pretty tight and cohesive i like that one a lot as well

tagging @fruitysalamander1398 @televisionamongthebees @fredoesque @meme-streets

[spencer-reids-adventures]

✨ 2022 Writing Year In Review ✨

Thanks to @feeisamarshmallow​ for tagging me!

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 12

2. Word count posted for the year: 299,454

3. Fandoms I wrote for: Criminal Minds

4. Pairings: Luke Alvez/Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, lots of friendship stuff between the team

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: A Collection of Blurbs Featuring Autistic Spencer Reid with 844

Bookmarks: Also A Collection of Blurbs Featuring Autistic Spencer Reid with 242

Comments: bau super seven loving-reid-a-thon with 159 comment threads

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

to seek and to find the narrow way. it's so personal and i was so nervous to post it because of the religious themes but i'm really pleased with how it turned out and i've gotten some amazing feedback <3

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

secret storm. i'm not not proud of it! but i wrote it for a challenge and i think i rushed it a little and could've done a lot more with it if i'd given it the time it deserved.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

there's one person who's been reading you don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own and leaving long, detailed comments on every single chapter. i love this person so much. every comment from them makes me cry, they quote my work and talk about what they liked and what they're looking forward to. it's a writer's dream.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

writing the little scenes that i have to get through to get to what i really want to be writing. it's so hard to slog through sometimes, but it's always worth it once i make it to the good part and it gets easy again.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: 

an upcoming chapter of you don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own has a nightmare aftermath scene that i wasn't planning at all but i'm really into it now that i'm writing it and i'm excited to see how it affects the story as a whole. it literally came out of nowhere but i love it so, so much. also, that fic as a whole has surprised me - it started as a really long oneshot and now i'm at about 75k and only halfway done.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Oh. Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Morgan asks. 

“Keeping you here. Falling asleep on you. Trauma dumping on you.”

“You didn’t trauma dump on me. I asked questions and you answered. And I don’t mind that you fell asleep on me. You clearly needed the rest.”

Spencer buries his face in his hands. “I don’t usually talk about these things.” 

“I know, kid.”

“I don’t like talking about these things.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want this to change our friendship,” Spencer sighs. “I don’t want things to be weird from now on. I don’t want you to treat me differently.”

“It won’t change anything,” Morgan promises. “I won’t treat you differently.”

“I don’t want you to be worried about me all the time now.”

“Reid. I was already worried about you all the time.”

from you've got a friend

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: 

i wrote a lot this year! i did a lot of sprints, and that made me really productive, and i forced myself to write even when i didn't want to. and i think that was good for me. i also have been making a conscious effort to write what i want to write and not what other people necessarily want to read, and not getting hung up on hits or kudos or comments. if i start worrying too much about what people are going to think about what i'm writing, i stop and regroup and go back to writing what i want, even if that means deleting a whole bunch of stuff.

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

i want to better balance my writing time with the rest of my life. i'm not always good at determining how much writing is enough and how much is too much, and i neglect other aspects of my life in favor of writing which isn't always healthy. i do want to continue to write for me, though. and i've started a trend of writing a chapter ahead in chapter fics so i don't get overwhelmed, and i want to keep that up because it's working really well. i also want to put more effort into brainstorming for the discord fic because i love that one and i feel like i've neglected it a little lately.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): 

chris (@domestikhighway58) and maze (@tobias-hankel) have been so supportive and encouraging and spent so much time sprinting with me and chatting with me and reading my little snippets and keeping me motivated to keep writing. they also both write amazing fics that inspire me to write, period. i am endlessly grateful to both of them.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

i mean, i write fanfiction to process my emotions and issues, so yes, a lot of my real life shows up in my writing. spencer's coping mechanisms are my coping mechanisms. his stims are my stims. his autistic traits are my autistic traits. i have dozens of unfinished fics in my google drive that i've used to process issues in my marriage. also, spencer's therapist in one fic is an exact copy of my favorite former therapist, all the way down to her first name.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

write what you want to write and don't worry about what anyone else is going to think. if there's something you're dying to read and no one's written yet - write it! if you have an idea that won't leave you alone - write it! don't worry about if it's good or if other people are going to like it. you are the most important audience. just do the thing!

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

i'm really enjoying writing you don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own and now that i have an idea of where it's going to end up, i can't wait to get there. we're only about halfway through, so there's still a lot yet to come, and i can't wait to find out what that is, haha. Besides that, i guess we'll just see what happens. i've spontaneously written a couple of oneshots in the past few weeks and i'd like to do more of those in the future instead of always getting stuck in my long fics.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@eldrai @masterwords @tobias-hankel @domestikhighway58

[straynoahide]

advice welcome

sometimes i feel like sharing more of my catholic outlook, theology, etc, on issues that matter to me and current events, but uh, idk how to say this, i perceive a certain dislike/hostility from anybody who is also commenting on the topic that isn't a christian.

and like, i know this is tumblr and i can post whatever on my blog and this isn't the best website for constructive debate, but still...

it gives me a foreboding sensation, like it's going to come up asymmetrical in dignity, with other people commenting on things that aren't their lived experience but somehow still using idpol as a bludgeon or a muzzle when they are challenged. which, not cool? honest conversations are held between intellectual equals. and everyone has the hottest, loudest takes on christian stuff.

i often understand where this comes from, whether that's personal religious trauma or exposure to toxic forms of religion (hi, been there), cultural hegemony/coertion limiting certain aspects of identity (hi, been there), or just the problematic aspects of my faith in the sense not of my personal faith but by institutional association. and that everyone is on edge now with divisive issues and identitarian reactions in most of the west and such.

but, in the end, i feel like the opposite choice is people only having exposure to christofascist ideas by the same people who falsely want to be the voice of all christians. and that empowers the worst kind of people, damages what better people in the communities are trying to build, and perpetuates echo chambers.

so idk, any advice on how to talk about religion and theology that doesn't come off as proselytizing or apologetics? or is this like out of my control? it's just frustrating some people operate like they can be mean-spirited in echo chambers commenting on spiritual things they have no clue about personally, but then would take actual good-faith, engaging criticisms or analysis of dogmatic ideas as an intrusion or a form of bigotry just bc they label it as an 'outsider' thing

[justanothersyscourse]

So apparently none of these things are up for debate because no one can reblog or comment

Nice

@amaranthis

Go ahead, "make an example out of me," but only after I make one of you.

First, I swear to god, the only ones making #miserablyDID a thing are people like you. What people like me are trying to tell people like you is that dysfunction is a fluctuating label, and the DSM entry for DID explains that dysfunction can be minimal to non-existent and you can still be disordered, and that's okay.

Disordered isn't a bad word and it's not synonymous with dysfunction, and the DSM explains why and how.

You just don't want to listen and instead continue to spread the idea that you have be miserable and struggling every day if you're disordered. As if people don't live fulfilling, happy lives with all kinds of disorders.

No, DID is definitely the exception, right?

You ignore that the DSM allows for someone to reach final fusion and still have DID based on their ability to split later in life.

You ignore that the DSM explains that a disorder doesn't mean need for treatment, and you silence and hide voices trying to explain that under the guise of protecting endogenics from "hate", meanwhile, the misinformation you're pushing is actively harmful to DID systems.

You ignore when we explain that the DSM states that you can be trans without dysphoria, and that in most cases, dysfunction in that case comes from failures on the side of medical practitioners and deniers. Transmeds go against the DSM and current research, and comparing syscourse to that is hugely dismissive of the fight trans people have fought.

In terms of DID/OSDD, the DSM explains that it IS a trauma-based disorder, but no one bothers to read beyond the criteria (which also mentions trauma? The and/or doesn't mean trauma is optional, but go off I guess). Sysmeds support the DSM and current research.

The fight isn't comparable, and you're basically denying science and history at this point in favour of an argument that doesn't actually apply.

You ignore the very real damage that IFS has done to the treatment of DID/OSDD, and you ignore our concerns when we say we see the same things coming with endogenics if the language used isn't changed and the line clearly separated.

You ignore that we have answers to all of those questions you asked in the tags. We know why and how the cut off age works, and how autism can increase that age to about 12. From the writers of the DSM.

In b4 hypothesized, because we can see it now, and the DSM 5 TR has been updated to reflect this new understanding.

You ignore that we already understand how and why those with DID have alters and how trauma plays into that.

You ignore that this means that: those biomarkers, or injuries = DID/OSDD, and that if someone is apparently a system without those injuries, it is completely, 100% different. How can it not be? Those injuries affect every aspect of our lives-- the way we retain, recall, and manage memories and information, our emotional reactions to things. Someone without them isn't going to understand it, but people like you demonize people like me for pointing that out, despite the fact that it's kind of obvious when you think about it.

You ignore that the DSM is quite clear about what kind of cultural experiences are excluded and why and how, and it's not for teens on tumblr, and saying it is, is denying the long, hard fight to keep spiritual and religious practices out of the DSM, because they're not the same things.

We already have the answers, you just don't like them, and you just proved on this post that you don't actually care about education, you care about silencing people who disagree and try to point out that you're misreading and misunderstanding things.

[triviallytrue]

hey here's a thought about religion. how about the multitude of religious beliefs that are either unempirical or provably incorrect

had this thought the last time there was major religion discourse that, okay, so the left mainly focuses on talking about religion's effects on society, ie, religion as a reactionary force, and this makes sense because it's honestly the most important thing religion does

but the above is (mostly) only relevant when the religion in question is in power, ie, orthodox judaism is a huge deal in israel but less so in the rest of the world, and there do exist religions that aren't the majority religion anywhere (some pagan stuff comes to mind but i'm sure there's loads more)

then you have religion as a social technology, which is sort of what my most recent post morphed into - people debating the impact of religion on the lives of ordinary people. here you'll see more discussion of scrupulosity or religious trauma, and in the interest of balance, i have to point out the genuinely positive social role it plays in the lives of a lot of people

but we don't talk much about whether or not religious beliefs are true. i mean occasionally it comes up as part of the whole "how bad is believing false things" discourse, and occasionally people make derisive comments, and the discourse becomes about whether all the sneering is justified or counterproductive (which then morphs into 2 again)

i've been trying to put my finger on why that is, exactly. part of it is that it's often hard to pin down empirical claims made by religion in the modern day, so the discourse amounts to "well this is unfalsifiable" and you have to call it a day.

but i think maybe it has more to do with the liberal compromise. i mean there's a catholic in my broader tumblr orbit (he has me blocked now) who will assert his belief in the literal truth of catholicism, but everyone else seems to sort of... implicitly assume all religions are false, because if you're really convinced that one has it right, religious toleration wouldn't make much sense. i mean, you don't see many evolutionary biologists argue for tolerating lamarckians in their field.

and if you're trying to defend the role of some religion in some aspect of life, it sounds pretty condescending to say "well obviously this is nonsense, but it's still very important socially." but that does seem to be the implicit liberal line on religion.

[geometricalien]

OKAY I finished Life is Strange True Colors and it's time to give my hot trash opinions that no one asked for :) (spoilers will be below the cut)

I avoided almost everything released about this game because I did not want any spoilers whatsoever and I think that served me well.

I also came in with an open mind, I gotta say I was weary since deck nine had all of the control and I didn’t particularly like before the storm that much it was fine though.

All that said True Colors was beautiful. It has excellent graphics, compelling characters and side plots for each character, the power system was new and cool. I wasn't sure how being an empath would translate but it worked well in mechanics, was epic, and suited the theme of not just the game but Alex.

I played for about 10 hours Thursday with some breaks to stretch and get food. So needless to say, I was having a great time.

It has excellent sets and even though the power mechanics are exactly the same each time it's still fresh and creative in how these emotions can shape the world around them.

This is just a personal nitpick nothing actually important, the town is a fictional Coloradan small town and as someone who grew up in a neighboring state with similar small town/mining/outdoorsy communities- or visiting them- the town buildings were fantastic! I loved main street, I've been in towns with that exact same style. But the flower bridge and the deer were just... a tinge over the top, it felt like you were trying to sell "Paradise" way too hard. But besides that I loved the towns vibe!

I felt... a little burnt out being able to play all of the chapters at once, I think part that made the lis community so strong was that it had time to build and react to the episodes together. It gave us time to theorize and make fancontent. Versus binge gaming and shot like a bullet into the air, done too quick. I don’t feel as connected to the characters because I’ve only been with them for 14 ish hours vs months

NOW THAT BEING SAID- the pacing was good, it gave us the reins being able to free roam the map at nearly all times and it never felt like we were being dragged down

Overall, True Colors is a great addition. Had amazing voice acting graphics, characters, and themes. I definitely recommend checking this game out

Spoilers now abound:

Going back to an earlier comment- almost all scenarios where you used Alex's power in depth were fresh and interesting. My favorites being Ethan, Charlotte, and Eleanor. I bring this up because Duckie's was the most dull- which you could say matches because he is normally the life of the party so... feeling empty or dull makes sense for him. But then Pike’s was also similarly lacking in environment, so it didn’t feel as fulfilling

I loved loved loved episode 3. The larping was so much fun and I was tickled with the turn based fighting. I especially loved when Ethan made the world come to life, my heart lifted in pure joy.

The two main romance interests are... interesting. Ryan's insight and caring nature drew me to him the instant we met while Steph sort of came off... as separated? But as we became friends with them both it became super hard to chose. And at the end seeing their reactions to the bomb drop showed so much characterization. Steph's ride or die and Ryan (in my playthrough) just had someone challenge his entire life view of course that's hard to take in within 30 seconds. I got that religious gay trauma, I get it.

This is where I feel spacing out the episodes could've also helped with our fondness of characters. After Ryan didn't believe me I didn't want to pursue him anymore, my affection was weakened

However I chose to forgive both Ryan and Jed despite feeling like I missed the character development to reasonably make that decision. I understand this entire game is shadow work for Alex and it is growing her emotional intelligence by miles but I think I would have preferred more sign postings from the game saying "hey bc of your choices you are growing" which wasn't really true because-

Alex was suppressing her sadness, fear, and anger from her traumatic youth. So in episode 5, reliving all of those moments were the chance to level up in emotional intelligence. It felt odd to learn exactly everything at the very end but again it's okay because she was suppressing just like Jed which made her able to understand his emotions and walk him through them

TALKING ABOUT THAT TALK WHO GOT GIFS??? I NEED TO SEE HER EYES GLOWING AND FLICKERING WITH COLOR

I loved the parallel/bookendings of chapter 1: Side A and chapter 5: Side B, I'm a sucker for that shit

It's obvious that alot of care and heart was put into this game, it has layers and the more you peel back the more it reveals thematically

Now I got to compare it to my biggest criticism of LiS and Before the Storm, and ultimately the reason why I love LiS2 more than either of them. Does your choices actually matter?

LiS? No. The game ended with an ultimatum that made all of your choices in the end not matter and LiS is sold as a "your choices actually matter" type of game so seeing that be a load of malarkey always puts a bad taste in my mouth

Lis:bts? No. It's a prequel. I can admire the idea of "life may be futile but make the most of it" while you can and that definitely encompasses Rachel's side of bts. But that doesn’t negate the fact that this is more a game with a straight plot than LiS

LiS2? YOU GOT 4 ENDINGS AND YOU CAN ONLY CHOSE 2 AND ITS NARROWED DOWN TO HOW YOU PLAYED THIS GAME- THATS WHAT I CALL A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE/YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

True Colors? I think TC lies somewhere between LiS2 and LiS in this aspect. Its definitely very railed, I think in every one you will get Jed to confess, so it depends on how you go about convincing him, romancing, and deciding your future to... well... decide your future. I can't fault it. It left it up to the player to decide and to not be screwed over by our previous choices (cough cough) and that is the crowd pleasing choice.

So, in the sense that it all feels very railed until the last 15 minutes when they spin us on an ice rink and say "freestyle baby"- it's fine. I'm not mad about it. But it does make me wonder what would've happened if we don't have any of the committee members on our side? Would we leave town effective immediately? Would the truth even have gotten out? Because if that's true... I would bump it up in the "does your choices matter?" 

You make choices and those choices have consequences, sometimes out of your control. That's what LiS2 perfected and what I want to see more in this franchise. 

[healersadjust]

Given that Aki’s village was wiped out during the calamity and she was the only survivor, it seems reasonable to imagine she is carrying a fair amount of trauma? To say nothing of unresolved grief…

How was she able to survive? Was it just luck that she was away at the time? Does she struggle with survivor’s guilt at all?

If she did witness what happened to her village, then what was the emotional impact of that? Does she struggle with nightmares or flashbacks?

Who else knows about this aspect of her past? Is she able to talk about it with anyone? Or does she prefer to remain stoic?

Thank you so much for the ask! I’ve actually been working on writing all of this out, so this was incredibly fun to think about things I myself hadn’t thought of yet! I hope this answered everything <3 its somewhat disorganized, but I’ve been so excited to post this! Thank you so much for remembering so much about her <3

So, Aki was not allowed to participate in any rituals or any group activities. It was believed that she was a curse on the village from the moon itself, and Menphina was angry enough with the villagers so they had to deal with her basically. Lots of really fucked up religious shit. The night of the Calamity, everyone took refuge and prayed inside their only solid building in the entire place. They thought that they could pray away the bad things, and they wouldn’t let such a cursed child inside to ruin it.

Aki, for her part, was lead to believe that she truly WAS a curse. With everyone constantly shoving that down her throat when she tried to just simply exist and be a kid and stuff, it was really hard not to believe it as true. So, she tried to get as far away as she could but still wanted to keep an eye on everything. She climbed a tree far enough away from the village that she felt she wouldn’t influence anything, but still close enough to keep an eye on things.

It’s still not fully decided what hit the building, but something flaming and heavy. The entire thing collapsed, and by the time Aki got there, the place was entirely in flames. The surrounding forest lit up as well, so she had to run if she was to have any chance of survival. She had to leave behind all of her belongings except for what she already had on her, and she ran as far away as she could.

For years after, Aki believed it was her fault. She thought that she could have done something to stop it. Or maybe, she thought it was her fault they got hit in the first place. Seeing it all happen and being powerless to do a thing about it really did a number on her, and she fell into a deep depressive state before being found by a retired adventurer. She still struggles with that thought even after endwalker, even. She was made to believe that she was truly the villages curse, and her mother was really the only one who would tell her otherwise. Now that her mother was gone, she had nobody to shield her from her own thoughts anymore.

She has a lot of nightmares. The most common one she has is where she herself is the one throwing a fireball at them, which absolutely destroys her each time she has it. There are various iterations of that one, and many other nightmares that have similar elements. They never end well.

She does have some more positive dreams about her home, though! There was a stump she used to sit at when she felt especially low, and that stump appears in her dreams whenever she is receiving guidance in her sleep! Or just pleasant dreams in general.

Many people know she is the sole survivor, but only a few scions know the true extent of it. She gets snappy every time the subject is brought up, so only fools press the subject with her. Most notably, Estinien once made an offhand comment about it and she tried to take his head off. Honestly, that happens a lot with him in general. But! She first opened up to G’raha about it during ARR, and throughout the story has told her best friend Olivia, each of the scions, and Erenville. She will talk about it with those listed, but anyone else still risks being blown up if they bring it up.

G’raha knows the most about it, and actually is the holder of one of the only objects she was able to recover! It was her mother’s ring, which Aki blessed before giving to him back during ARR. Having him know has helped Aki a lot. Whenever she wakes up from a nightmare, he’s always there to comfort her in whatever way she needs. Sometimes, she needs space. Other times, she needs to be held like the child version of her never was.

Aki no longer blames herself, but she finds herself questioning why she had to go through so much to get to where she stands. If she could turn back time and spare herself from all the pain of her childhood at the cost of everything she has worked so hard for... She isn't sure which she would prefer.

[conservativetradlife]

Hi! I’m a feminist who would like to dedicate her life to intellectual/spiritual/humanitarian pursuits (think St. Hildegarde, haha) as opposed to a domestic calling, but enjoy your content nonetheless. I hate the amount of people (many of whom are men) who use the “trad” label and quote Ephesians ... all while posting internet porn, or say disgusting things like “women’s holes are for *insert disgusting porn-addled comment here*”

I had written out a long response to this a few days ago, but pressed a bookmark when I was pulling up a tab and lost everything I had written. I was frustrated and decided to take care of this ask at a later point, and today feels like an appropriate day to do so, due to what I am seeing on my Dashboard today. Some of my points will be controversial. I get that, but please be respectful in answering, arguing or messaging me about my points.

Firstly, I want to encourage your choice of lifestyle and life goals. If your general pursuits for life, if its something you are truly passionate about (not simply attempting to personify a Saint while forgetting your own interests and desires outside of your perceptions of St Hildegarde) then all the more power to you. I think its a noble pursuit and the world is better off with more focus being directed towards Spiritual and Humanitarian activities. I will keep you in my prayers :)

I like to believe that my content is less centered around the ideals of domesticity and more towards intentional living. I started this blog wanting to idealize the Homemakers of the 50′s, and I have slowly began to realize what Traditionalism means to me and what kind of content I wish to put out into the world. I am idealizing my own life and hoping that those who share a similar vision for their futures (even if its without children or marriage) find comfort in my content.

Now, when it comes to the sexualization of the Traditional lifestyle (or at least, what some people believe to be traditionalism) I want to say very briefly that I understand what ‘kink’ is to people, but I also know what BDSM is supposed to be and the general servitude of women to their ‘Dominant’ halves is the only thing that rings even slightly familiar with what BDSM actually is and stands for.

To me, the sexualization of the Trad Women (someone who wishes to take up the classic ‘cultural norm’ of being the homemaker and Mother. Someone who relies on their husband as the prime breadwinner and finds self worth in their role in the home as Mother, Wife and Homemaker) is a sad example of where we as a culture have degenerated to. To know that men are craving a woman who WANTS to be wife and mother, who WANTS to be a stay at home woman and feels fulfilled by these pursuits, rather than what modern media has exposed as desirable. Women who are in media, exposing themselves, using their sexuality as their confidence and their general demeanor being viewed as crass and unattractive, in comparison to the modestly dressed religious wife, who stays home and bakes cookies and is waiting at the door when they get home.

When in history have we, as a society been so over-sexed? 

When has pornographic content and sexually motivated news been so easily accessible? It is literally at our fingertips (via our cellphones, or simply looking at our various socials.) Its no wonder that someone would find sexual pleasure in the counterculture of someone who is the visual polar opposite of what they are blasted with daily. Someone who keeps their sexuality exclusive, who is honorably modest to themselves and to God, but most importantly, keeps what is meant to be sacred between a husband and wife (or between partners) private and sacred. It says a lot about our culture when that becomes the case.

Unfortunately, I find the vast majority of people who sexualize the lifestyle of a Traditional Women, are suffering from what my husband calls ‘Porn Brain.’

We feel as though we have to justify the fact we are attracted to modesty and Traditionalism, by throwing in scenarios that can be sexualized. One cannot simply enjoy what is, without having cherries on top (i.e attaching the sexual aspect to child rearing, preparing dinner, caring for ones husband.)

CARE to some people is defined in specific ways instead of a broad manner. I want to believe that some of the women in this sub-culture realize that to have a family, one needs to engage sexually with their husband if they wish to naturally conceive their children. Without medical intervention, or specific methods of delivery (to be crass, haha 😛) having sex with your partner (one who has testicles, sperm and a penis - to be 100% clear) to their partners ejaculation into their partners vagina (one who has a vagina,  menstrual and ovulation cycle, uterus, fallopian tubes and egg laden ovaries) is the method with which one can conceive children. I don’t think that needs to be explained in the grand scheme, however, I feel as though a lot of Traditional women forget that this (if they wish to be mothers to children they have carried in their wombs, and birthed into the world) is a natural, important part of the process to becoming a Mother. 

I can already hear the masses arguing that you don’t need to have sex to have children. That some people can’t have children (either by their own choice, or because of trauma or physical incapability) and they choose to adopt children, or go through IVF which doesn’t involve sex. Yes, thankyou. I don’t need to be reminded of this fact. What I am trying to express is that Sex is a natural part of a marriage (and there is nothing wrong with that, neither is not having sex for one reason or another. Every marriage is unique and the business of those who are married, not the scrutiny of those around them.) I want to believe that if someone is going to marry their partner, they are comfortable enough to have sex with them. If a pair want to have children the ‘natural’ way, then I assume they go into the marriage understanding that to do so, they need to have sex. 

HOWEVER!! SEX IS NOT THE RELATIONSHIP. Sex is not (and should not) be the focus of a marriage between two people.

 When people fetishize Traditionalism, I find that sex is the main factor that comes with it. They have some of the points that come with what encompasses Traditionalism to some people, but their focus isn’t on what makes a marriage work for both, rather simply looking at the sexual aspect, which is one point of what is part of marriage. It isn’t about the whole, but rather about the woman giving her body over to her husband for sex. It isn’t about the conceiving of children, but rather about mindless self indulgence. To preach religion while one does this, is bastardizing what the unions (both sex and marriage) are meant for.

Linking BDSM terminology with the fetishization, by boiling down the gender roles that come with Traditionalism (the woman is submissive to her husband in trusting that he can care for - financially, emotionally etc) into simply ‘Domination and Submission’ isn’t Traditional. There are equal parts expectation in the Traditional lifestyle, but also in the D/s relationship. The Dominant figurehead of a relationship (in both dynamics) is not simply the one who receives pleasure, while the submissive rolls over to their every whim. To simply view the submissive (usually female) in this role, is grossly oversimplifying a complex relationship between both roles. Just with how a Wife partakes in her role, the submissive does so as well. The Dominant doesn’t just DO what they want without thought of what the submissive wants, just as the husband doesn’t just DO what he wants without thinking of his wife, and that’s where I find problems with how Trads view BDSM, and how fetishists view Traditionalism. Equality is important for both roles, both partners have a say, BOTH partners can consent or decline things they don’t want, sexually or otherwise. If that equality doesn’t exist in either dynamic, then it isn’t a good marriage, nor a good D/s dynamic.

At the end of the day, sex is meant to be between two consenting partners. I believe that sex exists for a purpose and we as a society have been so exposed to it that looking back on relationships when it was sacred and still HAD purpose is incredibly alluring. In the hookup culture world we live in, sex is a commodity, and birth control exists so that the purpose of sex is forgotten. Men who fetishize Traditional Women aren’t looking at Traditionalism as a whole and what it means to be traditional. Its simply over sexed porn brain telling them that ‘once I have a wife, we’ll have sex all the time and she’ll take care of me. She’ll be sexy only for me and want sex with only me, while taking on the homemaker roles.’ 

These people aren’t looking for an equal partner. They are looking for a mother that they can have sex with. Someone that will take care of them, selflessly because they actively WANT to do so, with zero understanding that they themselves have things they want and need to make this an equal partnership.

I’m not going to get into the generalities of BDSM couples (nor how some traditionalists have a BDSM relationship ongoing beside their roles as husband and wife.) I will say that people who are in these relationships, aren’t in it simply for their own pleasure. There is nothing wrong with unconventional (kinky) sex between two consenting adults. What goes on in the bedroom of two people isn’t anyone’s business. Whether you like vanilla sex or whips and chains, its not anyone’s business but the people who are having sex. BDSM is not what’s wrong with these fetishists. Selfishness is what is wrong with these people, who think that having a traditional woman means their sexual needs will be met along with their household and human needs, while they themselves can do nothing.

Now, before I get jumped with another possible argument, about preference, let me quickly say that there is nothing wrong with having preferences in a partner. Some people like maternal women, women who love God, women who prefer to dress modestly, women who are Traditional. However, there is more to a woman that simply being Traditional. My husband loves me for more than just my goals of being a mother and homemaker. He also loves that I can sing, that I do funny dances when I eat good food. That I read books before bed or all varieties and have a dark sense of humor. He’s under no illusion that I am a perfect Trad all the time. Sometimes I want to watch True Crime documentaries instead of doing the dishes and he’ll bring home a frozen pizza for dinner. 

Some people might be wholly dedicated to being Traditional and that can be appealing to people, there isn’t nothing wrong with dedicating your life to something you are passionate about, be that, as you (for example) said, intellectual/spiritual/humanitarian pursuits or otherwise. To do so can be a preference they have, but if that is ALL one thinks encompasses a person or partner and they can’t have interests or things they do otherwise, you find a problem. I am more than just a Tradwife and Mother. So are others.

This has turned into a very long winded explanation to a simple question, and I apologize for going heavily into depth about this. Simply put (or TL;DR) fetishizing Traditionalism isn’t right. There is a purpose for sex and forgetting that is only showing what is wrong with our modern ‘porn brain’ addled society. Linking BDSM to fetishists isn’t right either, because there is a difference between a D/s dynamic and someone who is looking for a doormat. 

Preferring a partner who is Trad and nothing else diminishes a person into basic traits that dehumanizes them into an object that serves ones own selfish needs (”my partner will keep house, have sex with me and be happy because they want to. They’re supposed to be Trad. I’m the man of the house and they cater only to me.”) Woman are more than Trad and more than a sex object. People who forget that aren’t worth the time or energy to engage with and should be blocked on principle so not to circulate false truths about BDSM or Traditionalism. It gives a bad name to both of these kinds of lifestyles.

Thankyou for being patient with me in answering this, if you want to discuss this in depth, my messages are open and I’m more than happy to explain further if there are any questions or counter-arguments to any of the above. 

God Bless and I’ll Keep You in My Prayers 💕

[aros001]

Read through light novel vol. 3. Random thoughts.

It's a weird thought to have to hope that this fantasy world has access to some form of abortion, be it a practical method or a magical one. I'm sure the various religious beliefs of their world wouldn't normally approve but when it comes to pregnancy forced onto someone by goblins, I'd like to think they'd make an exception. The women have already been through enough, they don't need the additional trauma of having one of those things crawling out of their bodies. I'd heard a rumor that the Fighter committed suicide after giving birth to a goblin baby but I've also heard other people say that never happened. Obviously I'd hope for the latter.

“...Hey, uh, Goblin Slayer... It kind of kills me to ask you this, but...” Female Knight gulped, and this seemed to embarrass her afresh as she flushed red. “If I... If I wear something like that, do you think it’d get his attention...?”

“I confess I must doubt the sanity of anyone who would ask me that question.”

There have already been plenty of funny moments throughout the other books but this volume is just really killing it so far. Goblin Slayer's personality and serious deadpan nature lends itself surprisingly well to comedy. It's a different style than the humor of, say, Konosuba, where plenty of the comedy is from these exaggerated characters interacting with their insane world. Here, the personalities are a lot more normal and realistic, which makes it really funny when they segway into non-serious topics like a festival, dates, battle bikini armor, or even bizarreness like Goblin Vampires.

There is something very amusing that the first meeting between Goblin Slayer and the Hero is her putting a sword to his throat. I'm a big fan of superheroes and it's not uncommon for crossover stories to begin almost exactly like that. The only thing missing was for the misunderstanding to lead to a fight before both realize they're both the good guy, but how it happened here fits a lot more with Goblin Slayer's mindset. Not offended or bothered in the least that Hero thought he was some kind of zombie and immediately acted with hostility, because he's very much a "better safe than sorry" kind of guy and probably would have done the same thing.

One of the reasons I liked Priestess the most out of the other characters in the anime, save for GS himself, was that she's the one who had the most interaction with Goblin Slayer and the most development alongside him. Their relationship was much more defined than his with the other characters and thus I was able to enjoy it more. That's why I like Cow Girl getting more of a spotlight on her date with Goblin Slayer here and the various conversations they have throughout the book. It helps me get to know her better and feel more invested in their relationship, romantic or otherwise.

It's probably because of his armor and the way he carries himself but I tend to forget Goblin Slayer isn't that old. He's only about twenty, which while still an adult isn't that old compared to a lot of the people around him. I think his age really hit me when I realized Guild Girl is older than him by about three years (they first met when he was 15 and she was 18). Just how the story writes what he's been doing ever since he became an adventurer and just the sheer horror we know the goblins are capable of makes it feel like he's been fighting them for far longer than five years.

So the rhea adventurer came back. Aaaand there he goes. When he was demoted in the anime I was afraid he was going to do something horrible in retaliation, like releasing goblins upon the town, or at least the Guild Girl. And my prediction was a little close to the truth. It's good writing that Goblin Slayer killing him (scaring the crap out of him first ("Is that so?" as he rises up from where he's supposed to be dead on the floor)) was actually relevant to the climax of the story. Almost everything that the story sets up always comes back into play later. Nothing feels like excess fat.

“Well, I mean... I guess...” But, blinking, Priestess concluded, “It was just my role in the plan.”

“You just don’t care with Orcbolg, do you? He could punch you in the face and you’d forgive him.”

“Ah— Ah, ha-ha-ha...”

If anyone even tried to punch Priestess in the face I'm pretty sure Goblin Slayer would break every bone in their hand. Even for as bloody and obsessive as he is, even if he could somehow tie it into killing goblins, it's hard to imagine him ever deliberately harming one of his own companions. Now, putting them in harm's way is a different story.

“I have taken your measure! You are no better than Ruby, the fifth rank. Or even Emerald, the sixth!”

“No,” Goblin Slayer said, shaking his head. “Try Obsidian.”

Goblin Slayer didn’t have it in him. But...

“O Earth Mother, abounding in mercy, grant your sacred light to we who are lost in darkness!”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH! THAT IS F**KING TRUST AND RESPECT!

I am going to miss Dark Elf though. It was nice for Goblin Slayer to face an antagonist who could talk and wasn't also just a powerful brute in single combat like the Ogre or Goblin Lord.

“The fragrant olives.”

“Yeah?”

“I researched them, but I don’t think they fit me.”

“Oh, no?” Cow Girl cocked her head, the wind picking up her hair. “I think I’d have to disagree...”

...

Those flowers represented four things: purity, humility, true love...and first love.

I think it fits perfectly.

I don't remember if it was before or after I'd started watching the anime but I remember reading about people online complaining how Goblin Slayer himself was a very bland and boring character. That's there's nothing to him beyond his obsession with killing goblins.

I'll admit, he's no Monkey D. Luffy; a character with such a bombastic and defined personality that you can instantly picture it in your head, or no Ainz Ooal Gown; a character whose true inner self that the audience can see is at such odds with the side that everyone else in the story sees. Goblin Slayer is definitely a much quieter and reserved character, but I don't think that makes him bland. His obsession with killing goblins is the skeleton of his character and a lot of good stuff has been built around that. He's overly serious. He's always picking up on weird, random knowledge. He's inventive.

One of my favorite aspects of Goblin Slayer's character is he feels like someone whose trauma and obsession stunted his emotional growth and now that he is connecting with people again he isn't really sure how to conduct himself. It lends itself to a lot of comedy as well as a lot of really sweet moments. When he hangs out with Priestess. Talking about making ice cream with his party. Buying the toy ring for Cow Girl. Parts of himself that don't involve killing goblins are being brought out by all these people he's found himself attached to and I think he doesn't know how to feel about it, because even he never thought there'd be anything to him other than killing goblins.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GoblinSlayer/comments/fslken/read_through_light_novel_vol_3_random_thoughts/

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 1.4.3 “The Lark”

A slightly shorter (only very slightly) Brick Club post from me! Finally!

“To be vicious does not ensure prosperity...” So far we’ve seen two types of viciousness: rich and poor. Hugo is right that viciousness does not ensure prosperity, because I think the two types come in different ways. The viciousness of people like Tholomyes, or Bamatabois come from a sort of carelessness. These people have the money and status to treat people cruelly and poorly without even thinking about their pain. I don’t think it’s just that they don’t care that their actions hurt people; they straight up don’t think about it. Except in more direct, deliberate circumstances, like Bamatabois putting snow down Fantine’s dress, most of the time they do things for their own pleasure/benefit/whim/whatever and don’t think about its effect on others. They have the money and status to do so. On the other hand, poor viciousness is that of desperation. Those who are poor and vicious are probably aware of the damage of their actions, but they don’t care because they are focused on their own wellbeing and survival. They’re aware of the pain, but it’s less important than their own problems. One is viciousness in the midst of maintaining the status quo; the other is viciousness in the midst of clinging to the edge of survival.

I had a post about the two types of dog imagery and symbolism in the brick that included a little bit of this description of Cosette. Cosette is both literally and figuratively a dog in the Thenardier household. We get more imagery of it later on, but even here she’s fed scraps under the table like a dog. She’s treated more like a dog that can speak than like a person.

Which brings me to the fucking severity of the Thenardier’s abuse. I mean, how did Cosette turn out so lovely and sweet? How did she stay so gentle and sweet? I feel like Hugo kind of uses the biblical Jesus time-jump thing to avoid talking about Cosette working through the trauma of her abuse. At the convent we see Valjean’s idea of her more than we actually see Cosette herself. We don’t get much of her internality from ages 7/8 to about 13/14, which means Hugo can use all that time to explain away any traumas or lingering effects. Anyway, I digress. Even at five years old, they’re terrible to her. They feed her scraps under the table, they force her to wake up before everyone else and do all the chores, even the heavy labor. She’s beaten and verbally abused and throughout all of it she has to watch Mme Thenardier doting on her daughters. It frustrates me a little that Hugo seems to decide that she can’t remember any of it when she gets older. Sure, it makes sense to block out severe abuse, but surely some effects remain? Either way, it’s a wonder she turns out so lovely.

(Side note: I think this is one of the reasons people accuse Cosette of being a “flat” character or whatever. Not letting her having an aspect of hardness or hurt makes it harder to believe. It also lessens her parallel to Valjean; he has inner darkness and trauma from prison that he is actively working against through the entire book, but she doesn’t seem to get a similar darkness to also work through/against. I don’t think she’s a flat character at all, but I think this is part of where that accusation comes from.)

I always have such a difficult time with the perspective of money while reading the Brick. Seven francs sounds like nothing to me, but I don’t really know how much it would be in modern terms. I mean, it makes me think of like gas being like 30 cents back in the day and now it’s often $2.00 or more. Or, like, in the US $.70 in 1950 is the same as about 10x that today. I don’t really know what 7 francs would be equivalent to today, so it’s hard to conceptualize how much or how little money [xyz thing] costs in the brick.

Mme Thenardier is awful in a more insidious way than M Thenardier, and it extends to her own children. At first, she her total love for her own daughters means she detests Cosette and feels as though Cosette is taking from them. Later, though, this hatred transfers first to Gavroche, whom she completely abandons to the streets, then to her two unnamed sons, who she gives away, and then to Eponine, who she seems to almost entirely ignore while she seems to dote on Azelma. The specific example is when M Thenardier makes Azelma break the window; Mme Thenardier comforts and kisses her, but both parents ignore Eponine when she complains of the cold and things like that.

“Children at that age are simply copies of the mother; only the size is reduced.” I can’t help but think about the difference between older Eponine and Mme Thenardier. We don’t get much of Azelma’s characterization, but Eponine is so different from Mme Thenardier when we meet her as a teenager. It’s interesting how unlike either of her parents she is, even before properly meeting Marius.

If the townspeople think Cosette was forgotten by her mother, it stands to reason that Cosette thinks the same thing. Valjean also never really tells her much about Fantine (out of his own weird semi-religious, semi-guilt feelings about her) and I wonder how much that effects her. What would have changed in her if she knew more about her mother?

Fantine just bounces from being manipulated by one man to another. Tholomyes and Thenardier both take advantage of Fantine’s trust and her obliviousness or ignorance. It’s wild how similar both instances of manipulation are; only, in one the payment is emotion and the other is literal money. They both rely heavily on Fantine not picking up on social cues or noticing weird behavior. They also increase their behavior the longer the ruse goes on. For Tholomyes, that means cheating on her with Favourite as well as presumably ignoring her or treating her (and infant Cosette) poorly. For Thenardier, that means lies and constant increasing of payments as well as an increase in abuse towards Cosette as the payments dwindle. Both ruses end in Fantine losing something: her love, her child (twice; she dies with the knowledge that Cosette is not with her in Montreuil-sur-Mer like she had thought), her life.

Okay apparently Hugo snuck this reference to Dumollard in right before publication. Martin Dumollard was a man who lived near Montluel. He would trick women into coming with him from Lyons to Montluel under the guise of being sent by his master to find a domestic servant. He would carry the woman’s luggage on the walk from the train station to the apparent destination, but would take a “short cut” and either would kill the woman in a field and take her belongings, or the woman would sense danger and/or fight back and run away, leaving her luggage behind. When he was caught he and his wife had over 1500 items of other women’s clothing. Over 8 years he had apparently killed at least 3 women and attacked at least 9 others. His trial was at the end of January 1862, and he was executed in early March of the same year. Les Miserables itself was published in 1862 (April? I think? Someone correct me if I’m wrong), so Hugo clearly went back to add that little comment in.

We get a preview of Fantine’s story here, which I really like. I love little in-chapter glimpses of or brief chapter jumps to other characters, just to really get the sense of what things are happening simultaneously.

Like Fantine, we do not hear Cosette speak the first time we see her. “Except that the poor lark never sang.” We are introduced to Cosette in much the same way that we are introduced to Fantine: description first, and later, when Valjean comes to get her, very few lines at first. Her journey is the opposite: she becomes accessible to us as she becomes happier and more safe; Fantine becomes more accessible as she becomes more miserable and unwell.

[messages-into-the-void]

Re: Getting a Counselor (from my drafts)

This is from my main account drafts. I want to preface with the fact I've been seeing different therapists since I was fifteen. (They've moved, I've gotten different insurance, or they've retired, it's not a clear me or them thing.) I also want to say that PLEASE don't let this discourage you. Finding the right person can be a little tricky, but I am just posting this to get it out there a bit.

I hate it when you find a decent-seeming therapist and they turn out to be a conservative.

Ok I excused the Christianity because it wasn’t gonna be a big deal right? As I was there for my issues not religious crap.

I’m an atheist and he kept talking about random things that made him believe to try and make me believe. (No a weirdly decaying nun isn’t gonna do it for me. Your weirdly cruel sky wizard is not for me.)

Then it’s the weird political or historically inaccurate comments when the topics arise. Stuff that looking back I should have left then and there and never returned.

I gave the guy a bunch of chances because unlike almost every other Christian I’ve met he did at least speak to me with respect despite our differences which was frankly just a novel experience. (If only I could send my dad to him for that aspect...)

Anyway that’s over now. I’m convinced going forward I’m going to have to weed out people with incompatible life-views. Conservatives are living in a weird alternate reality and frankly their views aren’t compatible with most neurodiverse people.

I’m not interested in debating this with neurodiverse x conservative/Christians. It’s none of my business what you do, and you won’t convince me your whole thing is in any way a moral or just thing to do. I just hope you aren’t hurting anyone. (Including yourself.)

Side note: progressive Christians at least aren’t as bad, but I would feel more comfortable discussing religious trauma with someone who is not religious. It seems natural.

[nomiliy]

Work in Progress Wednesday

Creators: work on or post something from your WIP. This is your weekly reminder to get something down on paper (real or virtual). It's also a chance to share your progress with your followers and give them a sneak peek of what's to come!

Fans: leave a comment on an unfinished fic and let the writer know how much you love it. Reblog an artist's sketch and let them know you can't wait to see the final product. Send someone an ask cheering them on!

- @ao3commentoftheday​

Right now, I have four long fics in the works. Idiot Savant is still my top priority, so I try to write a bit of it every day. If I get ideas or inspiration for the others, I'll write down a scene or two, or a bit of dialogue to string together later.

I won't talk about all my fics, just the three I'm most fixed on at the moment :D

Idiot Savant  (Published, Incomplete)

So, for those that keep up to date with IS, last chapter the boys had a run-in with the wolfman and had real, actual confirmation that vampires exist. Now that they're 'safe,' chapter 12 will deal with Steve's mental state and him trying to come to grips with everything.

I actually cut this chapter in half mid-way through drafting. I've done this in chapter 9 also, but I was able to combine the last scenes that should've been in 9 with chapter 10. My chapters are 'done' when I reach a certain point in the plot or complete a certain set of events. I originally planned for chapter 11 to go all the way up to the big confrontation between the vampaneze and vampires. But, once I saw that my word count was at 10k and climbing, I had to cut it at Mark's arrival. I also wanted to give readers more time with Mark, Larten, and Gavner, so having them appear in more chapters than originally planned helped. 

With IS, I really try to weave and flesh out as many characters as I can. Mark Ryter, for instance, appears in book 9 briefly as a vampet and is later killed by Vancha during interrogation. He didn't play much of a role in the series, but I wanted to know more about him and his place with the vampaneze. So, I made him this know-it-all Dubliner with a knack for illegal firearms and espionage XD He also appears in some of my other works, but I really wanted to include him in IS to get a larger scope of the world.

Lilac Heartthrob (WIP)

This is my next big project. "Lilac Heartthrob" is the working title, but it may stick just cause I'm growing fond of it :)

This series takes place over books 8-12 and goes in a much different direction than the original series. It picks up midway through book 8 when Darren and Steve meet up in Edinburgh to investigate vampaneze activity. I wanted to dive more into Darren's experience at school and his growing sense of self away from the mountain. It also deals with Darren and Debbie’s relationship, Darren’s sense of age and maturity, his growing independence from Larten, and his relationship with Steve. It's wholly a starren series, but it will also deal with a lot of issues Darren faces as a young prince and all the trauma he's experienced. Later parts of the series, like Part II and III, will also have a lot of political intrigues cause I just adore that shit. 

Unlike Idiot Savant, this series will also go in-depth on the parts of vampire and vampaneze culture that don't get explored in CDF. I'm doing lots of research into where vampire mountain logically would be in the real world, the travel patterns of vampaneze and vampires, the religious aspects of their culture, mating and courtship, the social hierarchy of the vampaneze, etc. 

I'm super excited about this series, and as soon as Idiot Savant is completed I'll be posting this regularly. I hope one long fic under my belt will really help me with the pacing, development, and characterization of this story : D

On King Street (WIP)

I literally got the idea for this two weeks ago and I'm already super invested. Basically, a teenage Darius gets sent back in time to an alternate universe where he meets his dad and uncle as young adults. It's very heartwarming and short (3) chapters), and it touches on those growing pains parents experience when their kids grow out of the nest. It mergers the AUs in Idiot Savant and Lilac Hearthrob, allowing me to get self-referential between both series. This is very much a Darius fic and deals with his emotions towards his family and himself, and it deals with the different iterations of characters between the fan series and cannon.  

If you guys have questions or maybe want to swap theories, my inbox is always open ; )

[scripttorture]

(1) i'm writing a story about a kid (under 13, havent decided exactly how young), who undergoes a horrible though mostly unintended period of psychological torture, set in northern Russia in the 13th-14th century. They're the youngest child of the local Lord, and their town gets invaded. Once the dust has settled, their family is brought up on a stage and all the commoners and servants are made to watch in silence as the family is tortured via slow dismemberment, then killed.

(2) The child is basically in a position where they have to serve the people that did this and maintain their disguise, or they will have the same done to them. At one point they are accused of theft and are given the punishment of that time and place- cutting off a finger. Beyond that there's no direct, intentional physical harm done to them. After several years, the invading force leaves and it becomes safe for the surviving child to come out of hiding.(3) What sort of effects could i expect them to have after the torture and trauma? Currently I have them as being so afraid of speaking giving away their identity that they've gotten selective muteness, and once it becomes safe to come out of hiding giving up their former title due to fear of becoming a target. I'm looking for stuff both during the ongoing trauma and afterwards, and i want to do it justice!

Thisall sounds possible.

Idon’t know anything about Russia during that period so I can’tcomment on whether these particular attacks fit the place and period.

Ialso don’t know much about childhood development. The majority ofthe accounts I have are from adults. And while the same symptomseffect children and adults the expression of those symptoms can bedifferent.

ScriptTraumaSurvivorshas a post here on age appropriate expression of trauma symptoms.

GenerallyI tend to stress that witnessing traumatic events doesn’t alwayscause trauma symptoms, but given all the other circumstancessurrounding this I think you’re right, it’s highly likely thischaracter would be extremely traumatised. They’ve lost theirfamily, witnessed horrible things and lived for years in a constantstate of fear and threat. Long term psychological effects areextremely likely.

I’dsuggest you don’t refer to that as psychological torture becausewell- that’s a phrase a lot of torture apologists tend to use torefer to things like starvation, sleep deprivation and stresspositions, which leave no obvious external scars but do cause a lotof physical damage. It’s a phrase that tends to get used to dismissor belittle physical tortures by implying they’re ‘only’psychological.

Iunderstand why that’s the phrase you reached for here though and Idon’t think you’re downplaying what the character goes through.Just- be aware of how that phrase is often used.

Iget asked about muteness or refusing to talk sporadically. Thereisn’t really a way to purposefully inflict it and from everythingI’ve read it seems to be a rare symptom. But you do occasionallyget survivors who stop talking for a period of time. And the wayyou’re describing this it seems as though you’re treating hisrefusal to talk is part of an underlying set of symptoms rather thanthe symptom itself. Which I think works.

I’malso getting the impression that you approach writing symptoms quitedifferently to the way I do. There’s absolutely nothing wrong withthat: we all have different ways of writing and I honestly think themost unhelpful writing advice is the sort which sets out to changehow someone writes.

Rightnow you’ve got a set of behaviours but not necessarily an explicitset of symptoms.

Nowyou don’t necessarily needto come up with an explicit set of symptoms to do this justice, butit might help guide you through how the character’s mental healthproblems change with time.

Atthe moment it sounds as though the main mental illness you’reportraying is anxiety (though you could possibly also write whatyou’re describing as hypervigilance or depression). That in turn isleading to social isolation as the character avoids or cuts himselfoff from other people.

Ithink that’s a pretty good starting point. The symptoms have beentied to both the character and each other in a way that feelsnatural.

Myinstinct is that given everything going on here another underlyingmental health problem might be a good idea. Given the character’sage, the setting and the other symptoms I think insomnia, learningdifficulties or memory problems could all work well.

Insomniaexacerbates pre-existing mental health problems and you could usenightmares as a way of tying this to the other symptoms.

Learningdifficulties would probably be a little more subtle as they might bedismissed as inexperience or a product of the character’s age butthat subtlety could also make them easy to work into the story. Theother symptoms clearly establish that the character hasserious long term symptoms and that means you have space to includeless ‘obvious’ ones.

Irecommend memory problems pretty often because they’re incrediblycommon in real life but rarely depicted well in fiction. They’realso often not acknowledged in the real world, despite having amassive impact on survivors’ lives.

I’vegot a Masterpost on the most common types and how they work here.

Giventhe story you’re telling I don’t think memory loss orinaccurate/false memories would be a good fit.

Butforgetfulness might well be: the character could easily use that asanother ‘reason’ why he ‘has’ to step down, believing himselfto be incapable or unsuitable. Intrusive memories could also be avery good fit and could feed in to his other symptoms. Writing wisethere’s the ‘danger’ of including too many flash backs toparticular awful moments, robbing these moments of their power. Butthis can be overcome quite easily by stressing the feelings thememory evokes rather than the details of the moment in itself.

Loopingback to the main part of the question- The ‘right’ way to handleany of this going forward is going to depend on the story.

Whilethe character is still in danger there may well be worse moments andbetter moments but he’s not going to make any real progress towardshealing while he’s still effectively a prisoner. This doesn’tnecessarily mean his symptoms will be constantly getting worse. Itwould be perfectly normal for them to reach a point and plateau.

Recoveryafterwards isn’t something survivors do in isolation. He’d need asupport network which he currently doesn’t seem to have. That couldmean that part of his recovery process is buildingtrusting and healthy relationships with others.

Giventhe time period and place the church could play quite a large role inhis recovery. Priests, monks, nuns (and anchoresses but I’m unsureif Russia had them) all played roles in communal mental health. NowI’m sure the quality of this help varied widely from place to placeand person to person but there’s nothing wrong with you choosingthat your character has access to better quality help.

Hislack of support network means that recovery would take longer andthere’d probably be a period where he’s at quite high risk ofharm. That doesn’t necessarily mean attack by others or self harm.Severe mental illnesses can make it difficult for a person to takecare of themselves.

Forinstance he might have days when he’d rather go hungry or cold thengo out among other people and get food or firewood. That’s the kindof time when having a support network is a huge material help.Linking back to the church idea I think it could be plausible to havelocal religious figures attempt to help in this kind of practicalway, leaving food or firewood. Other characters close to the survivorcould also fill this kind of role.

Recoveryis slow and it is rarely linear. Even if someone is generally gettingbetter they can still have incredibly bad days or weeks.

Andas people recover they often find that aspects of their mentalillness seem to change. For instance if someone has severe depressionit’s not uncommon for them to start feeling more anxious/overemotional as the depression eases.

That’spart of why I think trying to figure out the underlying illnessbehind these behaviours is helpful. It can give you an idea of how tohave those behaviours change in ways that are organic and realistic.

Goingwith the idea that the character’s major illness is anxiety- Thephysical symptoms can include shaking, nausea, heart palpitations,chest pain and generally feeling like you’re having an adrenalinerush most of the time.

Somepeople have speech difficulties when they’re having an anxietyattack. That can include difficulty taking in what people are sayingand difficulty communicating clearly (though it doesn’t stopspeech). Things like repeating the same short answer a couple oftimes. Sometimes it means giving a reflexive ‘answer that will getrid of the person’ rather than an accurate answer.

Anxietycan drive people to withdraw from others, especially if their anxietyis triggered by others. Things like stepping away from people duringconversation and struggling with crowds or confined spaces canhappen.

Itcan also be difficult to sleep, which in turn makes other symptomsworse.

Depressioncan make people feel tired all the time, while also making itdifficult to fall asleep or sleep well. It can make eating difficult.It tends to mute sensation and can leave people feeling numb.

Itcan get in the way of positive interaction with other people indifferent ways. One of the things I hear people describing most oftenis difficulty engaging. When all of someone’s emotional energy isgoing on holding themselves together sparing some for other people isincredibly difficult.

Ihave a post about solitary confinement that may help you get a graspon the effects of isolation. Keep in mind that solitaryconfinement is much more extreme then the vast majority of cases ofsocial isolation. The effects on your character probably wouldn’tbe this bad. But it could help give you an idea of the way this kindof isolation effects people and how it feels.

Itend to approach recovery quite organically. For me it’s anextension of both the character and their symptoms- the logicalconclusion of the situation the story posits. But that’s because Itend to write symptoms in a way that’s very rooted in the characterand I tend to write very instinctually.

Ifyou’ve got a more analytical approach then breaking symptoms downmight help.

Onceyou know what conditions the character has (rather than just thebehaviours) you can start to tie those behaviours to particularaspects of his mental illnesses. That in turn helps you figure outhow he might recover.

Let’stake his difficulty speaking for a moment and assume that the rootcause of that is anxiety. He probably knows that ‘fear’ is thecause of this. He probably feels less afraid on a daily basis afterthe invading force leaves. And that could lead to him finding it alittle easier to speak again.

Buthe might not understand why he keeps getting chest pains. Or why hefeels ‘afraid’ when in a crowd of people he knows are ‘harmless’.

Ifhe, and everyone else, focused on the biggested most obviousbehavioural problems he had then there’s likely a lot of thingsthat slipped under the radar. That were too small to comment on atthe time or that everyone assumed would stop when the invaders left.This can be a pretty effective way to approach how symptoms canchange and how it can catch a character off guard.

Anotherapproach is thinking about what a character currently can’tdo and when in the story they needto do that particular thing. Then think about what needs to change,environmentally or emotionally, for the character to be capable ofthat action.

Sometimesyou can only really get them half-way there and then find yourselfputting together a creative work-around. That’s OK. That can add toa story and be an interesting break from typical tropes.

Recoveryis a slow process of learning to deal with symptoms in healthierways. And incidentally virtually every mentally ill person I’veknown has had moments of expressing things like ‘But I should beover this’ ‘But I should be able to deal with this’ ‘But Ishould be better by now’.

Fromthe sounds of things you’ve put a lot of thought into both thecharacter and that process already. You are doing a good job. Keep atit and I think you’ll have an excellent story.

Ihope this helps. :)

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