#i’m paying so hard rn
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no because my stomach hurt so bad i not only had to get naked but i had to get on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor and bow and just hope to god whatever is out there had mercy or pity on me. like the most desperate “hey god it’s me-“ i’m shaken to my core. knowing the human body can feel like this has changed my perception of the human experience. what’s the point of going on when Chinese food can make you hurt so bad. i don’t know how i’ll ever return to the life of the normal people after this. how will i relate to them. it hasn’t left me yet- this battle still has to be fought but the great enemy that is stomach cramping has given me this opportunity to seek comfort. i must return.
#goodbye forever ig#i literally don���t know how i managed to do all the things that hurt my tummy in one night#but i’m paying#i’m paying so hard rn#IM SORRY FOR ANYTHING IVE EVER DONE TO HURT ANYONE#remember me#text post#something something something joke joke joke commentary#i can’t even think straight#probably because i’m still high#im so high rn actually#i want this post to be seen so i can feel comforted by my fellow tummy-hurty brethren#but also i am screaming this into the void#and i hope it stays there#:)#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH
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somebody rec me some good books. and they do actually have to be good. don’t rec me something just because it’s gay or it’s popular, it has to also still be good. like both the story and the writing have to be good none of this good concept bad writing or good writing horrible story. fantasy or soft scifi preferred, especially if it’s nontraditional fantasy. I am bored and sick of the internet and I want to get back into reading more but I’m kinda meh about most of what’s on my shelf
*edit: when I say “soft scifi” I don’t mean cozy I mean not hard scifi, as in stories that are more fantastical than grounded in hard science. for example the Martian is considered hard scifi, so not that. Star Wars would be closer to a soft scifi bc it’s all bullshit on the science end and it’s more about the vibes
#I started the jasmine throne and that was good but then I noticed a somewhat repetitive quirk of the writing style#and once I noticed it I couldn’t STOP noticing it which was extremely distracting and made it hard to pay attention to the story#the problem with books is I am sooooo hypercritical and so many ppl are bad writers and get published anyway#and booktok can’t tell the difference so these shitty books become bestsellers just bc they’re gay and tropey#not that jasmine throne is bad writing. it’s ok writing I just can’t stop noticing they overuse one particular sentence structure#and now it’s driving me crazy#but there are plenty of other bestselling books that ARE legitimately bad writing#I’m reading a psalm for the wild built rn and that is genuinely really good and next is the second book#but I’m almost done with the first one and both are like. really short. so I need something for when I finish those#(carefully does not look at the stack of comics I bought at SPX that I haven’t read yet)
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If I may, how do you typically approach choosing colors in your art? It always has just a lovely feel to it, so I was a bit curious; don't feel pressured to answer ofc :]
I’ve been using a lot of gradient maps lately, they work by switching the greys in your piece with a corresponding colour according to its value. Basically, I colour in black and white, grab a gradient map, and then I adjust the colours by hand until I’m happy with it. This isn’t the only kind of colouring I do, but it works great if you’re in a rush or you’re struggling to find a good starting point for your colours. I’ve been operating under a time crunch for these Sketchbook Week drawings and the Plenism promo stuff I made, so for all except one I used gradient maps. I’m actually in a bit of a funk with my colours right now soooo I’ll come back and do a proper colouring tutorial for my style once I’m happier with how my non gradient mapped colours are looking !
#after sketchbook weeks over I wanna sit and do some colour studies to find palettes I’m more happy with#even these gradient map ones I’m not thrilled with#they’re fine! but I could do better#in terms of other tricks I use I’ll often adjust the hues and saturations if the whole piece to give things more unity if I’m struggling#and/or add a new layer on top of everything and fill it with one base colour#and play around with different layer settings and opacities on top#I’ve found a luminosity layer on a low 5-10% setting is quite nice#basicslly I fuck around and find out#and if I’m in a rush I use a gradient map#they’re not neccesarily a quick fix! if you’re like me you’ll still want to do some tweaking after it’s been applied#and you need to pay attention to your values when you’re colouring in black and white#but that’s another good thing about gradient maps - they force you to focus on value over hue which is an important skill to build#so yeah I’ll come back to this and make an actual colouring tutorial once I feel like I have actual good advice to give#cause rn I’m just very meh in my colouring and I don’t think I have anything very helpful to add#need to find some tutorials myself first !#ty for the ask!#ask#art#my art#bpcol-reblogs#textpost#blethering#for this piece the adjustments were minimal in comparison to what I usually do btw#because I was rushinggggg lol#I did more for my Plenism posters n such#but I can’t really show good comparisons because I. didn’t save them like that#I usually smush all my layers together when I’m drawing sooo yeah makes it hard to go back my bad whoops#but I saved as I was going whilst drawing this so I could provide examples yipee!#if I’d been smarter and remembered more I could’ve had more process screenshots butttt oh well lmao
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thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah
#i’m so fucking. Exhausted#having to so carefully budget every single dollar#and feeling like a failure if i want to get like. some fancy cookies or something#or a nice blanket#and i am paying back my debt but also taking on more every year#and i personally don’t even feel that bad about it. like as long as i can afford the monthly payments idc#but then i see like three million tiktok/youtube videos shaming people who have less debt than i do#and im like. well ok.#like i am Trying idk what else to say😭#but i don’t want to try this hard like i’m not strong enough#i don’t have the work ethic or desire to scrape every penny into my savings like.#i just want to be able to buy fun things and see my friends#not even like. anything crazy expensive😭#i want to go out to a bar for karaoke without feeling guilty about the drink prices#it’s just. sooooo fucking frustrating and i’m worried it won’t ever end#sorry for the rant i am just spiraling a little bit😭#i’ll probably delete later#like i am Fine and actually doing really well rn#but i am so sick of not being able to afford to eat#and even when i start getting paid i still have to be so so so careful with my money#which i am. historically not good at doing#UGH#sorry😭#will delete#personal
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juno pay attention to class instead of thinking about your qpp challenge (impossible!!!)
#i really need to pay attention to class more#ESPECIALLY in september#it’s so hard for me to pay attention in online classes#ugggggghhhthsbsjshsh#i’m not even in classes rn what#juno is talking#screams into a pillow#qpr positivity#qpr#queerplatonic#queer platonic partner#queer platonic relationship#qpp#i love my qpp ughhhhhhghehhedh <3333
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My coworker trying to set me up with any man that comes in is absolutely hilarious.
Was the technician cute? Yeah kinda. But he also turned out to have a wife and a 19 year old child so my initial “ah he’s a technician and therefore and expert and therefore probably way too old for me” was absolutely correct.
Also one of our coworkers but while he’s cute he smokes which is an instant dealbreaker. Like if I come in when he’s smoking I have to hold my breath through my mask it’s so fucking bad. (This goes for everyone that smokes outside the entry door but. Anyway)
#she’s. yeah. I’m not bringing up that I’m queer. she’d probably be ok bc she knows a coworker has a boyfriend but. I don’t want to.#shatters’ fragments#shatters’ nonexistent love life#and again. I’m not going to try to build a life with you if I don’t generally feel safe with you#and most people don’t wear masks anymore#so I’d never really feel safe with them#and this is kinda huge for like. boundaries I enforce and revelations#bc I’d rather be lonely than six feet under now#whereas before if you promised to say you love me I’d let you do anything to me#which. I know. is Bad#and it’s all still hypothetical bc I haven’t fucking dated anyone#and still flip flop on if I even want to (the yearning says yes. the mind says uh. no wtf not right now at the very least)#bc the physical touch I yearn for is. again. literally. a cuddly cat would be perfect fuck people I don’t need them.#and if it’s sex (which I am also unsure I want bc texturally it’s a nightmare for me) I have toys#like yeah maybe my bar is on the floor ‘wears a mask and is nice’#but also my willingness to use some Time that I could be doing literally anything else (art/friends/etc) to be now put aside for a romance??#UNSURE#sure it would be easier if someone else finds someone for me. but do I even want that?#(visions of being snug in the middle both being spooned and spooning another dance in my head.)#(but toss a heat bag over my waist and nestle myself between two giant stuffies and it’s close enough on my twin bed anyway)#hmm. could always say If You Want Any Chance At Grandkids You Have To Pay For My Therapy but. hmmm (I’m still owed therapy bc I said so)#(they took it as a joke when I said if they went with that option they’d owe me therapy for it though)#bc fuck bodily autonomy of children amiright 😭#I used to have crushes that I would TRY so hard for. but currently I just? don’t. well.#maybe that one couple that has come to both my workplaces as customers were nice THEYRE CUTE and they wear masks. for them I’d try probably#but there’s literally no reason to assume they’d ever want me. or that they’re polyamorous. or that they’re open. or anything.#but I very much enjoy seeing them around town every time I do :)#I always prefer to be enamoured with characters instead. it’s safe bc it’s not real. (I don’t want to examine that rn)#I’ll probably turn right around and change my mind and have a crush on my Sailing Guy again next time I see him but. alas. he’s wonderful#idk idk. I should. I should get up and have food
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it terrifies me the way so many people keep living without even batting an eye about the genocide that’s happening right in front of our eyes. i will never shut the fuck up about this.
#from the river to the sea#free Palestine#im so fucking pissed rn#was just havin a conversation with my mom and it did not go well#and i want throw up and cry#she makes me so mad#she knows this is wrong#idgaf if she’s scared of trump. idgaf if this is stressful and scary to her it is to me fucking too#which is why I will not ever stfu about this#or ignore this or forget what is going on#and live in comfort#I think the fuck not#I wanna fucking lose my shit rn but I’m not bc that won’t help anything#she’s already said before ‘I don’t have to know anything to know that it’s wrong’ so fucking accept what I have to say then#i pay attention#I know wtf is going on. let me be your fucking tool to help with this instead of getting upset with me!!!!!#she is being a coward#she knows this isn’t right. she’s being selfish#i understand it’s hard but like that’s why we fight#that’s what drives you. the outrage and pain you feel watching innocent people get murdered#I can’t understand her rn. im so done with people her age
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Need someone rich to decide they want to give me like a thousand dollars to completely change my life
#thinking about things I want/need for living in the car#specifically that I need a power set up and I also want a dash cam and some cameras for the outside of my car cause if I’m sleeping w window#covers and shit I wanna be able to see my surroundings at night without revealing that I’m inside my car by moving window covers around#also a mattress and a good cooler. ugh. living on the road so easy but also so hard if you try to hard and I have perpetual try hard but#never actually do the thing disease#so I feel stuck in financial limbo#I don’t even have the money to get more weed rn I have to wait until next Friday when I get paid#to pick up an eighth but until then I’m running low and scrounging#and soon I’ll have to start paying for my phone and my car insurance and shit and I’m broke but my spending habits are garbage and I don’t#have good impulse control#budgeting is stupid literally you will get more money just get the thing and then be miserable after you’ve spent the money surely that’s a#good idea#ughhhhh whatever whatever whatever water#whaterv#gonna take a nap#I’m overtired and happy daydreaming turns to anxiety so fast#anyways.#bye
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tomorrow is my first day of classes as I go back to school for the first time in eight years and my family has picked today to blow up at each other and drag me into it
#VERY long story short#after my Papa died my dad buying the house out from my mom became a real possibility again#so all of us slowed down on the house sale stuff#and that included me shifting my focus from packing and looking for a place to getting ready to start school#but as of about two and a half hours ago my father is again freaking the fuck out#and saying we need to have the house ready to go on the market in seven fucking days#bc my mom has asked for a downpayment which he says he can’t afford#(when I asked him how much she was asking for he said he didn’t know. so it’s less ‘can’t’ and more ‘doesn’t want to’ but whatever)#anyway I asked him to ask bc if it comes down to it I would prefer to loan my dad the money for the downpayment#bc in exchange I get stability while I go back to school and the money I lose in interest would just be going to increased rent anyway#so now I get a text from my mother saying ‘do not give your father money for the downpayment’#and I’ve been trying so hard to be supportive of them both without it seeming like I’m ‘taking sides’#but I kind of snapped and said ‘I love you but don’t tell me what to do. I’m not doing this to ‘bail dad out’’#‘I’m doing this bc it’s the best option for me right now.’#and now she’s not responding to me#I fucking hate this#she needs the money. I need a stable place to live. let me loan him the money so YOU have the money mom!#I know you’re worried he won’t pay me back bc he’s proven to be less than honest with his finances in the past but also.#I’m his only kid. not to be macabre but I’ll be getting it back eventually one way or another unless he somehow writes me out of his will.#just fuckin. I’m supposed to be reading through my syllabuses and figuring out bullshit websites for school rn.#I don’t want to be dealing with family drama and impending homelessness rn pls chill#personal
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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maybe i am being a huge bitch and terrible and unfair ????? perhaps that’s the problem ???? and that is likely. however the council (my two best friends and my mom) have concurred that i should actually be angrier and meaner so i think im doing my best atm
#kinda joke but actually i don’t know what to do and i am sooooo angry it i don’t think it’s justified but also isn’t it ? isn’t it ?#like i may have fucked up the very serious convo that we had earlier but also i’m so mad. and i said that. and she heard me I THOUGHT#so i thought it was going to get taken care of but apparently not#like ok. don’t pay rent just stay here 5/7 nights a week and stop by anytime and don’t make any moves to change or fix the position you’re#in like whatever atp. maybe i’d be a better friend if i was more understanding and ive been telling myself that for weeks but also wtf#i know things are terrible for her so i should be nicer and more understanding but i’ve been as nice and understanding as i can be for three#months now and nothings changed she not even interested in changing things so at what point is it real life consequences#of im mad and you have to pay rent ffs#idk. i should apologize for even asking that of her ig. i know things are super hard for her rn. but things are also hard for me rn#in different less extreme ways but still. idk
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#my sister keeps getting mad at me#and today it culminated with her basically listing all the ways I’m making her life shit#and the things she listed I know I’m a fuck up like not being able to drive#being stuck in a part time job not having many friends crying when in a confrontation#and not paying rent on time to her#but she was so mad and I was mad and crying#but she wasn’t saying it cause she cared she was like you are making my life bad and it’s unfair#I’m sorry it’s unfair I’m trying but I know it’s not enough#and I couldn’t articulate myself#actually I know she’s right that I’m not trying enough#l just got upset which ofc doesn’t help anything#and now I ruined her day#i can’t even move out cause then she’ll get mad at me for that too#I agree with her that I’m a fuck up and don’t have my shit together and it’s a terrible quality I have#of having trouble catching up on everything I just feel overwhelmed all the time#and thinking about the future makes me so depressed I feel like there’s no point to anything#and even when I try to do something I fuck it up and don’t do it right#I tried getting my driving license before but now it’s expired and I’m back at square one#and my job rn I don’t think they’ll ever give me a full time gig#I can’t even explain myself now it doesn’t make sense why I’m so fucked#and it’s so hard to make friends all my old friends have moved#and behind and shit at everything#and now I know I’m dragging everyone else with me#she was like the one person I’m closest to and could trust but now I know I’m just a burden to her#the thing is i know she's right about everything#I fucking hate myself so much#update: she apologized I think we’re ok now#but I’m just wondering if it is
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#i’m so burnt out#i just feel like i’m not good at anything anymore#average at best#like i always used to go for 100 but now#well#maybe it’s just a bad day#but what if i just used to be lucky to get the right questions at tests#i have this classmate and she doesn’t even try but she still gets full score#and i have to try so hard but it doesn’t always pay off#it’s just so so so difficult rn#and almost everyone hates me anyway#so#have a nice day#eliza.text
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i keep wondering why my schedule has been so wonky lately as if i didn’t quite literally get into a car crash less than a week ago
#danbles#car accident mention#hello from 5 in the morning#we’re fine everyone’s fine the other person’s insurance is allegedly going to pay for it#but i think it was my first real look at death so i’m still trying to process it#weird guilt feelings for smth that wasn’t even my fault#grief is a weird thing to process i’ve found out!#i’m not used to being angry yet it keeps coming back#it’s very hard for me to care abt things rn#but ik it’s just one of those things i have to ride out. i’ve certainly been thru worse#and the fact that i can confide in my interests is a good sign that i still care at all. and i will care again#i’m rly lucky that i’ve had my sibling to talk to abt this but that’s also bc they were there#and got it worse than me! nothing hospitalizing thank god but we’re still healing#anyway i don’t need sympathy. talking abt this with anyone other than my sib has been rly irritating (is currently in an irritable state)#but i think i just wanted to let ppl know that i’m going thru smth. idk how that helps but it does#i think i just cant reconcile with the idea that i couldve lost someone i care deeply abt and everyone else is just moving on#ah fuck that’s what it is. im angry abt how insignificant a lifechanging event actually is#i don’t want anyone to care but i do think i need someone to know that it’s not normal rn#like i just need to throw it out there into the void that smth Has happened#and then i can go back to a new normal#alright it’s 5:30am now i think i should go to bed fr#also this got rly heavy but i dont wanna freak my friends out. like i’m okay and i’ll be okay#each day has gotten easier so far#and it doesn’t mean i’ve been pretending to be happy#it’s a rly weird duality idk how to explain#like apprently i was laughing a lot during the actual crash! emotions are weird man idk!#christ it’s almost 6 now OKAY GN FR peace and love everyone#normal is right around the corner 👍
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I WANNA BE HAPPT IM READY TO WALK INTO MY ROOM WITHOUT LOOKING FOR YOU GO IP TO THE TOP OF MY BUILDINF AND REMEMBER MY DOG WHEN I SEE THE FULL MOON
#really sad tonight#i miss justice and iris and king#something is hitting me really hard about not having a dog rn#i think it’s that this weekend we’re visiting our parent org and the last i was there was to drop off king#and also im planning on starting to clear his stuff out of my room#i haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet#and i know all three of my pups are doing awesome#but one of them any of them should still me with me rn#also i’m stressed that the president of the puppy raising club will fuck me over for getting an 8 week old this summer#bc i’m living in a student apartment so dog stuff goes through the student accessibility services#and we’re not sure if they will ok an 8 week old but i don’t think they actually need to know the age of the dog#so we can simply not tell them that it’s a baby bc i doubt it’ll cause any big issues#and i have to pay a pet fee anyway for my apartment so like#but i’m concerned her rule following will somehow fuck it over for me#even tho she’s graduating before i’d even be getting the dog#and if she fucks it over and i have to wait even longer for a dog i’m gonna end up in a shit place mentally#bc rn im just taking time to recover from the hard time i’ve hard raising so far#but by this summer i think i’ll be ready and start hitting a point where not having a dog will be worse mentally than having one#anyway rant over#but yeah this bit of the song is hitting#bc yeah i walk into my room and see the dog kennel#and king should be in it#but he’s not bc he flunked out#and i just am constantly thinking about him or justice or iris#i just feel like shit rn#i also ate too many cadbury mini eggs so my stomach hurts#i think i’m mostly past the point of blaming myself for my dogs’ issues tho so#that’s progress
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#people keep commenting on my fics begging for updates but i’m gonna be real y’all: i have nawt been feeling it lately#i’m still gonna finish them ofc ofc but i’ve not been in the mood to write and i’ve barely been paying attention to#much in the hilb verse / larrie nation as of late#my interest is spread across a few different things rn + work has been really hard lately#plus life in general. and there are so many awful things happening in the world#the consistent apartheid in palestine. the coltan mining disasters in congo. the horrors in sudan.#i just don’t feel in the right state to be spending my limited spare time on fanfic + on a hobby i’m not feeling very connected to at the#current time#i appreciate the support and desire to read more of my work ofc#but just as always on top of what i said above#comments strictly begging for updates make me#feel adverse to updating? like they don’t motivate me at all to work. they just stress me out#so i apologize but that also hasn’t been helping#the most i’ve been able to do the last month and a half is half heartedly edit chapter two of SMYL#it’s almost entirely smut and that’ssss also a struggle for me to write when there’s a lot of it#(and yet i have lengthy detailed smut in everything i write oops)#i will try though i hate having so much on the backburner. i just wanted to give a general update on things#alex talks
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