#i wish i knew how to break
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Took three weeks off from sailing because I sprained my damn elbow like an idiot, and no one even noticed I wasn't there.
#i could drop dead tomorrow and no one outside of my immediate family would give a flying fuck#well and my manager when i didn't show up to work i guess#which isn't news#I've always kept myself to myself#but like damn i thought we were friends#guess not#idk it's just hitting me#what's going to happen to me if/when my family is gone#I'm the oldest if there is a god please let me die first#hello in there#fuck im bumming myself out#the worst part is I'd carry on anyways#if i was the last#because that's what i do#there's this wolfstar fanfic that's like#i wish i knew how to break#and honestly same#well fuck
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I've seen the headcanon that Lucanis' mother, Caterina's perfect heir, was actually similar to Illario in some ways. That she was calculating, ruthless, ambitious, obedient... all the things Caterina overlooks in Illario because Caterina sees her favourite daughter's deep brown eyes and quiet, controlled demeanor and careful planning in Lucanis.
But I am also attached to the idea that the opposite is true too. That Illario's mother shared similarities with Lucanis; that she was empathetic and stubborn, with a slight rebellious streak. But she was always outgoing and charming, was more impulsive with her emotions, and was always sharper with her tongue than with a sword, so Caterina only sees her in Illario.
I just love the idea that Caterina can't look beyond the surface and see who her grandsons really are because on some level she can't see past the ghosts reflected in their eyes. She can't see that the quiet brown eyed boy is is more of the gentle hearted rebel, and the one with blue eyes and a shining, fake smile is the ruthless leader who would do anything she asked.
#Illario Dellamorte#Lucanis Dellamorte#veilguard spoilers#I wish we knew anything about their families#Illario's name means happy. You could (and I choose to) read that as meaning his parents' main wish for him was happiness.#What does that say about them as people?#What does it mean that a Dellamorte once looked at their newborn and their only thought was 'I hope he's happy'#I have been thinking about the Dellamortes all morning at work#Lucanis' mother the favourite child the quiet one who learned to turn off her emotions and would do anything to keep her status as favourit#Vs loud emotional Illario's mother the less favourite because she was rebellious and stubborn and tried to be her own person#(as much as she could)#(Also imagining Lucanis' mother sneaking into her younger sister's room at night after she's punished and tending to her#the way Lucanis and Illario will do years later)#I like the idea of Illario's mother being a bit of a rebel because I think a lot of people look at Illario and think disobedient rebel#despite the fact that I think objectively Illario is the more obedient one#he has disobedient rebel energy but in canon he's a follower who doesn't even consider breaking the rules unless it's Lucanis' idea#(until he has Lucanis killed but you could argue even that is him following Crow rules it's just him being who Caterina raised him to be)#I really want to know what's up with their families though. Lucanis is the horse Caterina is betting on. Lucanis' mother was the first of#her children to die. What makes her so sure Lucanis is the best option? Is it just that Lucanis is less like her and she knows she failed?#Is there something about Illario that makes her see him an ineligible? I want to interview her.#anyways I have to go back to work now hopefully this all makes sense I don't have time to proofread anything oops this is how much I ramble#when I don't have the time to go back and edit it down and take out all my irrelevant thoughts
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consumed by the inevitable
#messyr#you know- I kept thinking: One day. The cage will be open but I feel like I'll stay. Because if I run- I'd wind up dead from their bullet#so I just- tend to- follow as much as I want to rebel and put sense into this fuckass household. I hate seeing the others in pain as well#and it hurts more that it feels like I can NEVER be the one to break this cycle of abuse- when I knew from the start- when I knew too much#but here I am ending up like the rest of them- helpless and unable to do jackshit about the situation. I cant say or do anything at all!#I dont want to end up like them- if anything I want to BREATHE- i want all of us to LIVE without this pain that has existed for generations#I want to help so bad no matter how much I know I am unloved.#no matter how much hate i carry- no matter how much burden- Underneath it all- I'm devoted to them- that's how fucked up I am#i know i'll never be enough. I know how often I think of death and wish it.#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.#doodle#vent art#artists on tumblr#bpd#toxic behavior#learned helplessness
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been drawing so much this past month….time to recharge my creative batteries by binging arcane hehhehhhahha
#FINALS ARE OVER IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEE#my toxic art trait is i start a 20+ page comic and have another one planned and have an entire animatic story boarded#and always working on 5 wips at once!!#i wish i knew how to take a break aahhh!!#i love love being in a fandom but I tend to hyperfocus and get wayyyyyy too many ideas than I can reasonably handle…#maybe I should draw my ocs and recharge….
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I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I need but I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow
#kinda… down#feeling sort of broken#and I appreciate all the help#but I feel ignored sometimes like my problems are boring#it’s be nice if someone wanted to help me fix them#it’s just my brain being fucked I know#because I sound so ungrateful and shitty and horrible#horrible enough that it’s like?? I don’t deserve nice things!!#but sometimes I say I’m sad and I get a pity like and told it’s ok#I say I feel lonely and unliked and people say ‘aw’#others might get a long discussion or an outpouring of ‘I like you!!’#and i think I’m just missing out on that because I can’t make connections deep enough#also I’m needy and confused and never really feel like I’m anything to anyone#and that people don’t actually like me#and that me constantly feeling like this makes them like me even less?#but I can’t help it :(#and I wish I knew how to not feel like that and be normal#I think I’m gonna take a little break because I’m in a really deep hole#i'm sorry im like this#and I’m a little bit afraid for myself#finnie shouts into the void
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they're gonna go on an adventure to figure out what this thing is
#mega man#megaman#mmfc#mega man fully charged#ice man#rock light#ice man mmfc#mmfc ice man#yes ice has a sword. it fits perfectly in his hand. also good for opening letters#i wish his elbows bent more :( if i knew how to make modifications without breaking him i 100% would do it to pose the boy#one of these days i might get other mmffc toys but ice is my boy
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by the time you understand your mother it's too late to save her
#my entire childhood was me desperately thinking mum you are a mystery to me mum tell me what youve been through#and now i know her and to know her is to also know what men have done to her#and it breaks my heart because they dont deserve to be remembered but how can you forget the men that have hurt you how can you ever forget#it's not actually too late. she just thinks it is. she doesn't see a womanhood for herself outside of motherhood#and i wish she knew that shes remarkable#even though i was born with all of her pain i carry all of her love
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ever had an idea that you keep thinking of, so you write it down but as you write it down you realize that it doesn't make sense and probably really ooc for the characters. Maybe I should stop trying to write ZoLu angst
#It also doesn't help the way I write is also kind of confusing and bad#All day I had the idea of Zoro breaking down over Luffy falling in battle or something -#- and then throwing away his life to either save or get revenge for Luffy#Then Luffy getting upset about Zoro giving up his life and giving up his dream to save him#But being up to date in one piece I keep thinking about how would they even get into that situation anyways#Luffy is extremely hard to kill now with gear 5 and everything#I wish my thoughts were more coherent and I knew how to write them down
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#nyxrambles#Gotta take a break for now 😤#I wish I knew how many I actually got through! Because it had to be at LEAST a couple hundred.#(Also what the fuck Matt and Taliesin look so good in this gif it's unfair kjhdgfh)
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🤠Desperado Durst & Bandito Borland🤠
#they just got done fuckin#who said THAT?#lol but this does look like bts of the brokeback mountain film set where they're on a smoke break#I can totally see them delivering the “I wish I knew how to quit you” line to each other#but this is the LB version called “Rollin' Rodeo”#Fred really did write the dance step lyrics to Rollin' in a very line-dance kind of way#I wanna see these two get down to a good country two-step#it's all in the hips boys#all in all this is a great photo of these two fools. stay silly my dudes.#Fred Durst#Wes Borland#Limp Bizkit#nu metal#down the rabbit hole
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i can say this at least: i am not in the abusive friendship/roommate living situation I was in in 2016, and that is a massive improvement!
#rambles#us election#tagging as that for filtering please god do not be weird on my posts#have i ever mentioned that that roommate:#converted to judaism (a perfectly fine and lovely thing to do) and immediately got deep into zionism (very very bad and wrong)#was heavy into transmedicalism (she was cis)/firmly believed the gender binary was real#openly mocked nonbinary high schoolers her little cousin knew#i wish id pushed back more but yknow. was not really in a position to do so on account of the emotional abuse happening also#if shes improved as a person since then i salute her but i do not have high hopes#have not checked her blog on here or anything since i finally blocked her for whining about yuri on ice fandom drama that she started#the ol silly straw that breaks the camel's back situation. you know how it is#ah tagramblevent got long#this is the way it is sometimes
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it finally happened.
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.
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sigh it was nice knowing you, smeeps 😔
(please read tags)
#i typed pussy instead of ‘pussu’…#…as in ‘pussuma’#it’s o.v.a#ovary#i mean ‘ova’ like ‘over’ (🙂↔️😇)#[i really wish there was a way to document our thought processes cuz i just need to break this one down please indulge..#this was the sequence: ‘its over’..’no i like ova more’..<saying the letters as im typing>’o.v.a OVARYWAIT….ova..ovary..ooooova…o’..#<extremely heavy sigh as if im surrendering in defeat>’ovary……’<end scene>..#i really wish i knew some (all) of you irl because i cant express how NOT-DRAMATIZED this is]#[oh! and thank you very much for reading..genuinely ☺️]#ramblin but not a gamblin man
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Why do I love DOCTOR WHO?
Because it makes you want to be bigger on the inside.
#I wish I knew how to make gifsets#Once upon a time there was a chatshow called “InnerSPACE” on the Space Channel (RIP) and I was asked to be a professional smartypants#on live television#I was pissing myself#But also having the most fun I've ever had on a film set#I think I was pretty clever.#And yes.#I did rehearse that one#(the gave us a list of probable questions ahead of time. I made notes.#my notebook was hidden under the back of my skirt so I could look at it in the commercial breaks.)#doctor who#doctor who after show#doctor who anniversary special#nuwho#j.m. frey#jmfrey#dr who#television#television appearances#the tardis#tardis#bigger on the inside#i love this damn show
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Ep 10!
#Idk it was. An episode. Not many thoughts tbh ajhdblabfdl#The Kyouka / Akutagawa scene is my favourite ever. But I suppose there's little to say about them I haven't said already lol.#The “Because I knew a man who had the same eyes as yours” will never stop being endlessly impactful.#And I still find it very remarkable how Kyouka is pretty much literally the only person other than Dazai that Akutagawa respects.#It hits me so hard.#Nothing else to add? I think the storywriting in this arc is very good. The plot twists are very well executed.#I remember when I was reading the manga and Ranpo challenged Chuuya face off I was so hooked!!#I was like‚ how is he going to win!!! It's very nice.#I think it's interesting that Atsushi stayed behind with Kunikida instead of facing the pm with the rest of the pm.#I wish we'd explored his decision and state of mind more‚ especially since he was portrayed as being visibly conflicted.#I think part of it simply solves a storytelling purpose of not leaving Kunikida alone...#But I don't think that necessarily means the decision doesn't suit him. Atsushi really looks up to Fukuzawa.#His trauma probably makes him more reluctant to break orders than‚ let's say‚ Ranpo.#And he's always been very spokenly against violence.#Idk. I just think it's interesting.#The line “Kunikida‚ you're the strongest and most virtuous of us in the Agency. That's why the enemy tried to break you first.”#is very emotional#The animation is so strained it makes me feel bad for the animators. So many static frames lingering for so long...#I feel like the result isn't necessarily terrible either. The drawings are not ugly‚ just very undetailed.#But it really feels like there was a group of people doing the best they could with the llittle they had...#random rambles#And I'm now all caught up with the rewatch!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 See you on Wednesday!!!!!
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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