#But I have a dream to achieve and I am not planning to die until I reach it. Not yet. If pain is where I strive best then so be it.

[sunlit-mess]

consumed by the inevitable

[reasonsmandy]

You matter to me

Eddie Roundtree x Fem!Reader

✧.* requested by @itzajeanspears — Hi!!! Love your writing so much!! Not sure if you’re still doing requests lol, butttt I have a really specific one so if you’d be able to do this I’d like actually die omg. Okay so I’m a fashion student from LA and I was thinking, the reader is like basically siblings with billy and Graham, (her dad and their mom started dating when they were kids so they were practically raised together) but she’s closest with Eddie in particular. They’re best friends. They’ve basically been attached at the hip since they were kids. They’re both secretly harboring feelings for each other and everyone knows it but themselves. She’s been there for them since the band started, like Camilla, making them outfits for gigs and stuff. and Eddie even takes her to prom when her date ends up being a jerk to her. Butttt the reader ends up moving to LA to go to fashion school (maybe eventually she can be their costume designer for the aurora tour 🙏) and Eddie slowly stops talking to her god knows why. Fast forward- The band moves out to LA and they stay with her until they’re stable enough to be out on their own. The tension is super high between her and Eddie and EVERYONE notices. Super Angsty. Ends in fluff and love confessions 🫶 maybe angry billy lol. AGAIN THANK YOU!!! I know that was super complicated. YOUR WRITING AND EDITS ARE AMAZINGGGG !!

✧.* you're reading part two, here's the part one — A letter?

✧.* summary — Eddie was waiting for your response, and when it never came... A wall was built between you.

✧.* warnings — none.

✧.* word count — 3.5k

✧.* 🎸 — Eddie's masterlist

✧.* mandy's notes — I know it took me forever!!! I'm so sorry, please enjoy! And let me know your thoughts about it :)

I have no idea how to start this, my head has been a mess since our last conversation. I'm sorry for the way I left, I should've been more polite involving all we've been through in the last couple of months. I confess that I don't understand why you thought I couldn't support you in this situation, I've seen you dreaming about this day since I was ten years old, where we chatted about school and unattainable plans for the future… Seeing you achieve everything you dreamed of is like being hit by a ray of sunshine, I am deeply proud of you.

I wish you all the best on this new journey in your life, you are great and your talent is not left behind! Know that you wouldn't be there if it weren't for all your extraordinary talent. There is something in everything you do that exudes originality and no one can take that away or dispute it from you.

I decided to respect your choice and not go to see you on the day of your departure, I confess that this is demanding a lot from me, but I do everything to see you well. I hope you have a great trip and a great life there too.

I don't want to lie to you, I really hope you write me back, I have a huge hope that you'll give me another chance and we can work things out... I'll understand if you don't want that, I just want you to keep in mind that I love you. Fly towards your dream, and when you miss home, maybe my words will warm your heart.

Yours, Eddie Roundtree.

The bassist seals the letter with trembling fingers, he knew you would leave tomorrow and he still had his doubts about what he was going to do.He wanted to come see you before the match, kiss you gently, hug you as if you were going to escape at any moment... But he couldn't, if that was your choice he would respect that.

He knocks on the Dunne house three times, his hands trembling as he waited impatiently with the letter in hand.

"Eddie? What are you doing here so early my dear?" Mrs Dunne's sweet voice asks, she was quiet, probably because she was the only one awake in the house.

"I— I came to give this to Y/N." He extends the paper to her, confused, the older girl takes the object.

"Do you want to come in?" She asks, opening the door for him.

"No no, thank you." He seemed nervous, afraid that you would show up at any moment. "I really just came to leave this"

The madness was crazy the morning you were going to leave, you waited in secret for Eddie, a hope that he would appear was growing in you even though you wanted to kill it. Everyone else had made a point of saying goodbye, even Warren had stopped by to leave you some chocolate for the flight, but nothing from your boyfriend.

That's what you were, right? After all, there was no ending, not formally in so many words... Anxiety made you fear that when he left that had been your final point.

You open your arms to hug your considerate mother, Mrs. Dunne had been very present to you since she came into your life and saying goodbye was harder than you thought.

"I'll miss you so much." Her choked voice says, and you hold her closer.

"Oh honey, I'll miss you too." She answers, still holding you. "Anytime you need us, you just have to call. You have a family here."

At this point you were already in tears, and you let the hug go to wipe them away.

"Look." She starts to say, opening her bag to hand you something. "Eddie asked me to give you this."

Your eyes widen, you take the letter in your hands and leave for your new life.

…

You open the drawer of the nightstand next to your bed and return the letter to the place it always rests still not being able to open it, a sigh leaves you as you relive the night you had just had. Now that you were in the same city everything was more vivid, it was like living your teenage years again and it was frustrating. Of course you missed your friends and your brothers, but feeling Eddie's look at the back of your head was a huge distraction that kept increasing many questions in the same.

Eddie let the air out of his lungs as his body collapsed onto the bed he had fought for hours with Warren for, He lights a cigarette while staring at the ceiling and gradually sees the smoke draw your face, He hated how all the feelings he had put so much effort into hiding returned like the tide flooding over him, it was frustrating how you could make his heart race in a way no drug could ever manege to.

He knew that maybe all he had to do was just get over it, and that's all he was trying to do since you left Pittsburgh and him. Eddie was never the kind to get attached to relationships easily, he was used to having one night stands or just casual dating, so when his heart was captured by your gaze and the funny feeling of falling in love... He didn't know what to do.

The cigarette had come to an end and sleep had not even threatened to arrive, Roundtree sits on the bed regretting it before even finishing what he planned to do. He might not have talked to you during the party, but he was a good listener, something he didn't know if it was a blessing or curse until then.

He puts his leather jacket over the blouse he had worn to the party he attended hours ago, also grabbing some cigarettes before going down the stairs of the new house towards the keys to Rojas' van. He considers going to the drummer's room to tell him that he had borrowed the vehicle, but settles for writing a note in letters large enough for him to notice while he looks for it.

He let in his breath once again, shaking his head as he starts the van and heads towards what haunts his mind.

...

The three rings on the door make you lazily get out of bed, your arms go to the blouse thrown on the table before answering.

"Eddie?" You say between shock and yawn, your hands fix your hair automatically.

He avoids your gaze, looking directly at the ground as if he is very anxious. You wait for an answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth, you take a step forward taking his hand and leading him inside.

"Is everything okay?" You ask, after you both sit at the table in your living room.

"I don't know." He lets it out, wondering if he should actually do what he had planned. "I wanted to talk to you about everything."

"In the middle of the night?" You let out a weak laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"I couldn't sleep, sorry I woke you up." He looked embarrassed, but it was as if being there was more comfortable than anything he had been doing before knocking on the door.

"We can talk, no problem.”

"With us moving here I imagine we'll see each other more often than we have over the years." He looks you in the eyes, the red of the cigarette in them. "And I don't want there to be a fight between us, I don't want there to be things that aren't clear."

You let the air out, trying to look as if you were mature for this situation. "What do you mean by that?"

"Even with our history, is everything ok between us?" He wanted to tell you that the answer was no, that he hadn't forgotten you, but it stayed in his throat just like the growing knot.

"For me yes, but for you I'm not sure." You are honest, letting the frustration go with your words. "You were the one who ignored me the whole party, I felt seventeen again."

"You don't need to be sarcastic." He says rolling his eyes.

"Since when do you call the truth sarcasm?" He arches his eyebrows at your response, you click your tongue against the roof of your mouth. "What I meant is that I'm over it, I just don't know if you are."

"You know what..." He gets up, adjusting his jacket on himself. "I think we've cleared that up, let's just be polite to each other and that's it. I see you around."

"You're kidding right?" A mocking laugh is let out by you, disbelief shines through. "Is that what you consider resolution?”

"I'll see you around." He says, you get ready to close the door. "Let's just keep things between us, like before."

Your eyes roll back and you slam the door shut, anger and confusion rising in your chest. How can he just show up in the middle of the night to turn your life around like that? You only feel the tears when they fall on your arm, was it frustration? You preferred to believe so, but seeing him treat you with so much indifference was painful.

Still angry, you go to the nightstands and open the drawer to take the letter in hand. Your vision blurred with emotions growing, you tear it apart and as soon as the first cut is made the rest are just a trigger for the pieces on the floor. You cry, regretting it and at the same time wanting to disappear... It hadn't even been twenty four hours since he had returned to your life and everything was chaos.

You collect the pieces and place them inside the box you found, trying your best not to glue the pieces together to read something that could be your answer.

...

You had done a good job of trying to forget about Eddie Roundtree, you had gone out with a few people and avoided running into him as much as possible when you met the band. But that became impossible when his brother went to rehab and his niece was born.

You moved into their house to help with the baby, Camila had never been so vulnerable and you couldn't feel more angry at Billy than in those first few months. Of course, you knew he wasn't one hundred percent to blame, addiction wasn't easy and it made you very sad to know he was like this.

Your move wasn't complete, you slept there some nights and other nights you went back to your house or studio to create some pieces of clothing. It was hard to face Eddie every day, but you two made a point of avoiding each other as much as possible.

It was hard to remember why you didn't like Eddie much when he was being so kind every day by your side, you start to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. He was kind, funny, he helped everyone, but he was still the one that left you. And that was certainly the impasse for you to sympathize with him once again.

Night fell on the horizon as you leaned over the counter, a cigarette between your lips as you thought about everything at the same time.

"I see you still like the sunset, sunshine." The nickname makes your spine shiver, you don't turn around, you just let him get closer to you. "It always reminds me of you."

The chill comes to your belly, you turn away in disbelief. "What are you doing?"

He rolls his eyes, “Trying to get along with you, is it that hard?"

You let out a sigh, avoiding his eyes. "You want us to be friends?"

"What's the harm on that?" he asks, resting himself.

You shrug, trying your best not to ask every single question that haunted you over the years.

"You made yourself pretty clear that day in my place." That's all you say.

"Why are you acting like I'm a bad guy?" He's confused, upset in his eyes.

"You can't just keep doing this to me, appearing in my life and just leaving me!" You let out your frustrations, he looks at you without understanding. His gaze fixed on your eyes was overwhelming.

"What do you mean?" His voice was trembling, he took a deep breath. "Look, I know I acted childish that night, I shouldn't have just popped at your place and said those things. But I mean what I'm doing right now, I made one mistake... You're really going to blame me for the rest of my life?"

"One mistake?" You tried your best to hold back your urge to cry. "Look Eddie, it's been a long time. I understand if you forgot everything we've been through, I don't want to..."

"You're acting like I didn't care for you. Like I don't care." His voice was calm, it left you disconcerted.

"How can you say that you care for me if you haven't even reached for me all these years?" You turn to face the sky, trying to keep calm.

"I was respecting you!" He avoided coming closer, even though he wanted to take your hand in his. "I told you that! I—...

He stops when he sees your confused eyes, concern takes over his.

"You didn't read the letter, did you?"

You swallow hard, he waits for your answer but you open your mouth and close it without saying anything.

"Did you receive it?" He asks, you nod your head. "I don't understand..."

"I never read it." You confess, looking at your feet.

"Why?" He felt exposed, hurt.

You don't answer, he seems devastated.

"Fuck." He says passing his hands through his hair. "I can't believe this."

He left, leaving you alone with the sunset.

You made a point of coming home that day, there was no way you wouldn't go back to read that letter, your heart was aching with all the emotions that came up this afternoon. You were overwhelmed and feeling guilty, but at the same time confused... You needed answers.

When you managed to put the pieces together it was difficult to tell what was there, but your body softened and your heart tightened. There was your answer.

...

Daisy Jones was responsible for the band's growth after Billy's relapse, 'Honeycomb' was a masterpiece and the whole world knew it when those chords sounded on the radio. You were happy and proud for all of them, it was great to see them all achieving a dream that you followed from the beginning.

You were really excited to go on tour with them, You had already made many different pieces and I'm really looking forward to seeing them using what you created for them from the beginning. Today was the day of the first show, if you weren't even going to be on stage, you were nervous, you couldn't imagine how they were.

You couldn't contain the tears of emotion when you saw them there, the fans screaming excitedly and a long-time dream coming true, it was an amazing feeling and you were so happy to be part of this somehow.

It wasn't easy to deal with the information about the last situation you had with Eddie, of course, Billy had returned and you had spent less time together but that whole scene never left your mind. You tried to expel the flashes as much as possible while pretending to listen to what Camila was saying.

"Swetie, are you paying attention to me?" She says between a laugh, the music from the celebration party made it hard to hear her.

"Aham." You lie, watching Eddie talk to Warren and another girl you didn't know a few steps away. Camila follows your gaze, and turns with an arched eyebrow.

"What's going on?" She asks, her voice softly.

"I feel like I'll never be able to leave what we had behind me." You felt the words leave your mouth with honesty for the first time in a while.

"Have you told him that?" She asks, looking between you and him.

"I'm pretty sure he hates me, so..." You let out a breath, trying to hold back your tears.

"Eddie could never hate you Y/N."

"How can you be so sure?" You take a sip of your beer, avoiding looking at the distant group.

"Oh honey, if you only knew how many times he told me how he felt... How many songs I heard—

"Songs?" You cut her off, holding her arm. "He wrote songs about me?"

"Many." She responds, stroking his hand with a motherly affection. "You should talk to him."

You gather all your strength to follow her advice, and little by little you get closer to them. Warren is the first to notice you, waving in a comical way for you to come closer, Eddie avoids your eyes, the girl greets you with a small smile.

"Hey guys, the show was amazing." They smile at your congratulations. "I'm really proud of you guys."

"Thank you sunshine." Eddie says, almost regretting using the nickname. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." You say under your breath. "Look, can we talk alone for a second?"

"Sure." He turns to Rojas and the curly-haired woman. "I'll be right back."

Automatically you take his hand and guide him to a more private place, it's a few seconds of silence before you know how to start. He doesn't rush you, he just waits for you to feel good to begin with what you had planned.

"I read your letter." That's all you can say, he swallows hard. "I'm sorry it took me so long..."

"It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore." He tries to say, but you cut him off.

"It does! It matters and you know it." Tears manage to fill your eyes. "We matter for each other, you matter to me... And I don't know about you, and I know it's probably too late but I can't forget you."

He takes a step closer to you, never taking his eyes off of you. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I love you." A choked laugh comes out of you, it was impossible to contain it all longer.

"Fuck." He holds your face in his hands, touching your foreheads together. "Please, don't mess with me." He jokes.

"I'm done building this wall between us." Her voice was honest, her eyes never stopped staring into his. "I just want to be with you."

He kisses you, a kiss you've missed for years, a connection of souls, an inexplicable feeling. His hands cupped your cheeks and caressed your skin, you pulled him close to feel him after so long. He would always be your point of comfort.

"I love you too." He whispers against your lips, your eyes closed. "I love you so fucking much."

"I know it took a while but I kind of want to stay with you." You joke, he lets out a laugh.

"We can tell our children that we've been dating all this time, they don't need to know about this hiatus" He says while caressing your hair.

"Children?" Rojas' voice made you jump in fright. "Damn, you guys are emotional, huh?"

...

Hi, I hope you enjoyed it... If you wanted to ask for something my requests are open, and if you want to ask and don't have any ideas check out my prompt list :) xoxo

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[my-mom-named-me-duck]

ducks rants part three wooooooo or part four idfk I don't think anyone will read this I'm just putting it out there to see if anyone can relate

Im fucking tired man im stuck in an endless cycle of being too young to be friends with adults but being to weird for most kids my age and im sick of it because adults assume im an adult by the way i look and act despite the fact im 15 and as soon as they find out my age they're suddenly uninterested in being my friend.

Having to raise a fucking 30 year old woman while dealing with multiple pedophilic relationships at age 12 ages you man.

My last therapist was shocked at how self aware I am and how tired of the world I sound.

Apparently I act like a 40 year old man that realizes no matter what he'll never achieve his dreams by working a dead end job and is stuck in the workforce until he's literally too old to enjoy not having to work.

I'm trapped with the knowledge of the world but not the respect that tends to come with it.

I'm 15 and i already know so many vile things i wish i could have the ignorance that most teens have i wish i was able to feel invincible and on top of the world instead of knowing i'll probably be working a full time job way into my 70s just to afford a shithole apartment.

I wanna be out there making obvious mistakes and memories and go out with friends and do dumb shit like snorting pixie sticks or drinking at parties but instead i'm here trying to plan out how i'll survive once i'm 18 because the only way i'll manage to live is by working 20 hour shifts just to make enough for rent and food let alone anything else.

Im panicked for the future because politics are fucking ruining the world polution is getting worse and i probably have an entire damn barbie worth of plastic in my blood.

The world is ending and I'm forced to watch as the adults around me panic about elections and running out of retirement money.

The world is crumbling and I wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant.

I know too much about politics i know too much about sex i know too much about emotions i know too much about the economy but not enough to benefit me in any way all i know is that were all fucking screwed and i have no one to vent to about it because i make adults uncomfortable and most my age dont understand the issues to the extent I need them to.

Maybe I should follow in my great great grandfather's footsteps and get a lobotomy like holy shit.

And don't read this and think I think I'm so smart. I know i'm not. i know im an idiot on a lot of things i'm not writing this as a “sigh i'm too smart and no one understands me!” i'm writing this as a way to cope with my loneliness and we're all gonna die mentality i'm trying to fix it but its hard 

ima go rock back and forth while listening to music and imagining fantasy scenes because I can and you cant stop me

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for publicly guilt tripping my friends who just wanted to help their families?

I (32M) have been on a trip to a legendary city with a group of people for a while now, and while they didn't seem to like me or even want me around at first (they played a lot of pranks on me and always shut me out) they finally started letting me join them the night before we reached our destination. Two of them, A (18F) and V (38M) told me their stories and what they hope to do with their paychecks from this job. A wants to help her dad finally open another machine shop/garage, and V is going to help his family's flower shop.

Before I continue, I just want to be clear: I am not calling anyone here a bad person (even though one of them probably deserves to be called that) because I am not that kind of person. So please do not pass judgment on them. I do care about all of these people and their needs/wants.

The leader of our group, R (54M) just revealed he and the others were planning to steal this big shiny rock thing to sell for money, and they were using me to find it (they held this local woman captive until I helped). Problem is, the thing isn't just some giant gemstone, nor is it the power source I thought it was. It is literally the life force of the people who live in this place. And if it is taken away, they will die. I have been protesting this since I found out just what this thing was. R has been brushing it off the whole time, and everyone has just silently gone along with him.

Here's where I feel I might have been an asshole.

In front of a crowd, I called out A and V by name and said sarcastically how they would finally achieve their dreams and then some (i told V his family could open a whole chain of shops and said they'd be very proud.) I laid out the stories they told me, only I made them sound so selfish and greedy, even though I know that's not how they are. I was intentionally trying to make them feel bad and feel guilty. Which.....is very unlike me to do to someone. I don't try to hurt people on purpose normally. But I was just trying to get everyone to see how wrong what they were doing was.

It worked, A and V were the first people to change their minds, and A came to help me up after R punched me (ow, it still kinda hurts) followed by V, and then several others. So now that they came to help me, I REALLY feel like I was an asshole earlier.

I know I'm right for not wanting them to take the shiny rock thing. But.....was I an asshole for how I treated my friends A and V over it?

[hiswordsarekisses]

“In life, as I walk through the fields and plains. I stumble upon a single wild flower that has blossomed and sprouted.

A reflection of God's glory on display. It's fills my eyes with unfathomable beauty and majesty. The intricate details and immaculate design. The subtle, pervasive, and distinctive aroma. It's tenacious and unrelinquishing roots. It's rigorous and vigorous stem. And the variegated radiance of its leaves.

Our hearts always seem to be drawn to such an evasive array. It is unimaginable. It was never intentionally seeded nor planted. Yet, here it lies before my eyes. Existing and subsisting.

Predetermined and deliberate.

More than humanity could ever hope for. I can't fathom but to think aloud.

Even Solomon in all of his splendor was not dressed and adored like this dear wild flower. Yet, it did not labor or even spin. Still, here it is. But, am I the only one?

Out of the billions of people that walk this land; am I the only one that has stopped to enjoy such glorious beauty? To be transfixed on such variety and diversity? But before I blink, I see a petal fall.

It's fatal flaw. The reality of what is to come.

The curse of our brokenness.

The sign of its next season.

As my heart drops, it is filled with appreciation. The feared realization. I am the only one to ever witness this distinct flower.

To comprehend and grasp such tranquility. To notice its existence. It's intended and fixed purpose. To know that I will never understand this moment until it has now become a memory.

An echo within my thoughts.

To show me the state of my well-being. My own fragile humanity. My drained and frail spirit.

My delicate life.

But will it ever count?

Will it fulfill its holy purpose? To herald such a triumphant and glorious truth?

To be sent or be spent?

Will my reply be yes to both?

To be ready for either?

Oh how my heart clamps to comfortability and false security.

To chase my own dreams and desires. My redefinition of myself in my selfish pursuits.

My false delusions and distorted realities.

My schemes and plots to achieve such perfection to only discover a misconception.

My heart to remain unsatiable and determined to answer my preposterous plea.

To hide behind my own pride.

To try to create my own story and act like I give You the glory.

My wondering heart always wants to flee. Yet, it conceives utterly absurd lies to me.

Why can my eyes never seem to see?

I do not plan my life.

I didn't will to exist.

The hardships, temptations, and trials.

The waiting, anxiety, and worrying.

The pain and disappointment.

I did not ask for any of this.

Yet, I did. Because I live to die.

But die to live.

I am not much; but I invite others. For all to be gathered.

To witness me dying to my worst enemy. Myself.

So they can see You live.

For me to count a cost. And be indebted to grace.

To run a race to see my Savior's face.

Because of a stained tree and empty burial place.

To be here and gone within a short distinction and variance of time.

To exclaim though You slay me, I will still hope in You.

That if I perish, I perish.

All that matters is it is for Your Gospel and name to be known.

For others to cherish.

My heart just lingers to see the true source; the reflection of that glorious flower.

To see the scarred hands that wove its pattern and outline.

To see you bind the chains of the Pleiades and to loosen the cords of Orion.

To seek You and live.

To know that being close to You was always still too far.

As my heart cries out to be where You are. To perceive such divine love that I fail to assimilate.

To know You.

To know You as you have known me.

To participate in Your sufferings and death.

To know the power of Your resurrection.

To know the depths of your love based off the depth of Your sacrifice.

To know You intimately.

Being greater than all I have ever wanted.

To understand the wondrous mystery. How you do not accept me just as I am; yet you love me despite how I am.

I don't want the knowledge.

I don't want the information.

I do not want the opinions.

I want the truth.

I want to know you more than I know You.

I just want to know You.

Please just let me know You.

To know You as my Father and to be known as Your Son.

Because You are God and I am not.”

~ Soli Deo Gloria

[guzsdaily]

Day 0 (Draft)

Daily Blogs 364 - Nov 3rd, 12.024

A lot of times I had the idea of making a vlog, blog, daily journal or whatever you would call this. But I never ended up making it for some reason, most of the time because of procrastination, like every other thing I tried to create. So it's better start now than never.

It's interesting how my life can be influenced by YouTube videos, I blame you Hunter Peterson, thank you.

It is November 2º, 2023 at the time of writing this script, and hopefully when this video will be recorded also. My name is Gustavo, or Guz, whatever you prefer, and I don't know how many times I tried making this same introduction line in my other videos attempts.

It is day zero of, hopefully, a series of daily journals that I'm planning on making until... whatever the goal of my life will be.

---

If anyone outside my friend group is watching this, you are probably wondering who the fuck I am, and to be honest, I can't give you a clear answer. But if you are 18 years old, without having a job and/or without being in university or college, you probably know in what stage of life I am.

The next year, 2024, I will start hunting to get a job as a junior software developer, which wasn't what I had in mind some years ago. But it's time to at least start it and hopefully get my own home in the foreseeable future. My other plans of being more interdependent didn't work at all, because it is a lot harder to complete a project and even more to make it profitable than I thought.

Being the smartest kid in class didn't matter anything to what is real life, and be able to construct a routine and work-life balance when you try to be your own boss is not easy.

But you know what? I'm not sad or anything, at least I tried and there are lots of years in the future to try again.

---

I'm going to be honest, the idea of making this daily journal was stolen because Hunter, one of the creators that I watched for a while, started to make the same thing for documenting the process of creating his horror film. Because I am in a stage where there's not a lot of progress being made, and because of a talk with my girlfriend, I remembered a dream/goal in life that I had. "Why not" you know?

This goal is to create a brand, or company, whatever it ends up being, I want to create a name that people recognize and know that it represents quality products, art and histories. The name of this brand is Capytal, and all other names that will be created under its umbrella, like SixSides, Elementria, Lored, Prata Productions, and whatever logo I end up creating. I want to create names, teams, that inspires and help people create good art and technology.

But I don't know how, I don't have money or people enough, and I don't know how much time it will take, and if ever this will be achieved. And that's why I'm creating this, because I need to start somewhere, and because there are a lot of things that I don't know I don't know. Thankfully, I have friends and parents who support me a lot, but I will not go anywhere if I don't start doing something to achieve this goal.

Anxiety and insecurity already made me waste a lot of time, and probably will still waste a lot in the future. But if I don't set any type of goal, I'm probably going to waste a lot more.

I know there I will end up burning this motivation some day, it is possible that tomorrow I forget everything I said here. And that's ok, I just need to remember to continue going on and on until I achieve something or die before I'm able to. Hopefully making this will help make me remember more often where I was, where I am, and where I want to go.

---

Hopefully if anyone ends up seeing, or reading this, it can inspire you to at least try something. I know that everything I said was obvious, but sometimes even the obvious you forget when you drown yourself in insecurities, abandoned projects, burnouts, etc.

If someday this vlog or journal ends up being in a stage with the logo Capytal in the background, I know I succeeded. And if now, at least I know I tried.

But before everything, I need a job.

To end up, I would recommend seeing Hunter's videos and vlogs, it really inspired me for some reason today to make what almost ended up being some sort of manifesto.

Now I'm probably going to work on organizing my note-taking app again. Which I would really recommend having, it really helps on cleaning your mind to have to remember and worry in less things in general, but you probably already know that. I don't want to end up being some type of coach here.

Goodbye.

---

- Written in November 2nd, 12.023

Today's artists & creative things Music: Odisseia - by Lvcas

© 2024 Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0

[ioannemos]

i've been adding 'ugh' to a lot of my personal posts lately and it's frustrating me not just bc i'm trying to be more positive to myself (no really i am! i promise!) but also bc. well. i know why i'm still struggling with negativity. and it sucks

as i've been changing and growing i haven't felt like i'm "finding myself" (whatever that means) or discovering cool new things or putting out new leaves or anything positive or fun or even that interesting. it's felt more like i'm excavating a building that's been buried for decades or maybe centuries and 99.9% of the time i'm the only one on the site

it's not a cool building or a pretty building, oh no, it's some kind of weird building that has random hallways and tiny windows and no floorplan that makes any sense to me and it is not in a hospitable environment, let me tell you!

EITHER

it's hot and dry and i'm getting bit by mosquitoes and there's sand in every crevice of my being and i'm mad at the dig and myself and everyone else on the planet and whoever built this building here of all places and also the building itself

OR

it's cold and wet and i can barely move in the mud that's up to my knees and i'm tired and lonely and it's getting dark and i just want to climb out and forget about this place and go do something, anything else other than excavating this building that, as far as i can tell, very few people in the entire world care about or even know exists

but the building is me. i'm the building. so i can't leave it. i'm stuck here until i die. so i've got to make the best of it, and i'm doing what i can to at least make the excavation more bearable, but it sucks! the building sucks and the location sucks and i suck as an excavator and i am so, so, so tired of excavating

and every. single. time. that i think i've made progress and can maybe stop for a while and just enjoy where i've come, i realize there's another layer. THERE'S ANOTHER FKING LAYER! the work just got harder and who knows what THIS layer will be like. but since it was built on top of a meandering building with no clear purpose or guideline or even straight line, that bodes nothing good for whatever the heck the mess it was built on top of will be

and i can usually figure out, eventually, why my thought patterns and my emotions and my fears are the way they are. i know why i'm scared of living alone. i know why it's hard for me to speak up for myself. i know why i struggle to fight the deep-seated belief that i'm terrible for needing literally anything, especially if i dare to ask for it

i can figure out, eventually, why this room is the way it is and why it's connected to that room via this narrow hallway. i can figure out why this room has no windows. why that particular room is in the middle of everything. why this is a supporting beam

but it sucks! and finding out why this a load-bearing beam tells me what i need to replace and usually what i need to replace it with, but not how. not who i can ask to help me replace it. not when i should do it or how to recognize a good time to do it. and sometimes i don't know what to replace it with, or what would be a good interim support until i do figure out what to replace it with permanently

bc i don't want to be scared the rest of my life. i don't want to try to conform to what i think the people around me might need or want from me. i don't know what i want out of life, what my calling might be, but i want something. or maybe right now i just want to want something. bc i don't have anything rn, any guide or plan or even a dream. except... maybe...

peace. i want peace. i want peace on my own terms, i want what makes me feel peaceful. i don't know what it looks like or how to get there, but i want to reach a place where i can sit down for a minute and catch my breath and not feel like i'm stealing time that could be spent better on literally anything else. i want to achieve peace

and like fk do i know how to get there

[overlordzeffeero]

Ulima Bio

A middle aged Edenian. Ulima was born in her native realm thousands of years ago. Since she proved talented in magic from a young age, she decided to keep studying until she became one of the trusted royal mages of Queen Sindel and King Jerrod.

During that time, she met an Edenian elite soldier especialized in espionage, Delilah. She believed in protecting Edenia at all cost, no matter how controversial her methods could be. Ulima agreed with her ideology and became a close associate of hers.

After the fall of Edenia at Shao Kahn's hands, Ulima and Delilah fought alongside the rest of the Edenian Resistance in a last desperate attempt to reclaim their realm. After many failures and losses due to Shao Kahn's forces, the Resistance had to be disbanded for the moment, and Ulima had to hide alongside Delilah.

Having lost her realm and prior life, Ulima started feeling it was all worthless, that there was nothing she could value in her life. Except claiming revenge against Shao Kahn, that is. Delilah, on the other hand, had new plans now that she had lost all hopes of recovering Edenia.

Delilah now wished to take over Shao Kahn's Empire, so she could create an ideal society at her image, one powerful enough not to lose it again. For that, she knew she needed a new army, and ended up deciding to use the hatred many human Outworlders felt towards 'creatures of darkness' to gain followers. The Hikari Clan was born from it. Wanting to take her revenge against Shao Kahn, and deep down feeling that Delilah was her only friend and only part of her prior life still with her, Ulima followed her, even though she didn't care about her ambitions nor thought her undefeable dreamed Empire was really possible.

Ulima is currently one of Delilah's most trusted magic experts in the Hikari Clan. She has become experienced and skillful in light magic over the years, an ability rather useful to destroy 'creatures of darkness'. Her objective is to see Shao Kahn and his Empire burn to the ground, no matter how many must die to achieve that objective.

I take this chance to mention again that the Hikari Clan is a creation of @odie1441 as part of her awesome job. 😊 This is a character created by me to give that clan a representative expert in magic and I am super glad to contribute to it. 💗 Please, go check Odie's stuff, because it's awesome! 🔥

Also, here's my take on Delilah's looks so a casual viewer can made themself an idea of how she looks:

[hyunin]

some of y'all know and some of u don't but being chronically ill is one of my Things. i won't get into the whole tragic backstory or anything if y'all want to know more u can dm me idm talking about it at all but asdafsdgdg i had my appointment with my specialist doctor that i've been seeing every 3-6 months for the past eight years since i was diagnosed with my illness today and. she told me i was doing well on my own and that she wasn't doing anything to help me anymore and that she thought it was time she cuts me loose, essentially meaning...i am Better Enough to not have to see her regularly anymore. she said ofc i can make an appointment with her any time if i have problems but the regular checkins aren't necessary, i have Graduated sick person school 🥳

i didn't think i was going to get into it too much but i feel like some context is important so content warning for suicidal thoughts/depression/general shitty health i guess

i managed to not cry like a baby over this until now when i'm finally home and sitting down with some time to myself and it's honestly so surreal. i have had health problems my entire life and i remember when i was like. 13 years old. being too sick to go to school anymore and being in so much physical and emotional pain that i would Pray that i would die every day. i genuinely feel so sad for baby carly she suffered so much, and the thing about having health problems that essentially steal your life from you is that you become physically incapable of planning for the future because you don't know if you're going to be too sick to do this or that or if it'll even be possible for you, so i never really thought about what i wanted to do with my life, i just didn't think about the future At All. i tried to come to terms with the fact hat i would probably be sick my entire life and tbh yeah i will be, my illness is highly treatable but never Really goes away in its entirety, it will flare up in the future too. but somehow i never really considered the fact that one day...i would be healthy enough to not need to go to the doctor every three months anymore? i used to go to the doctor Every Week.

and i'm looking at my life now and like...i'm back in school...sure i only take two classes a semester and it's taking me five years to get a degree that was supposed to take me two years, but...i'm in school?? i have a 4.0 even after finishing my required math and science courses? and i don't have an Actual Full Time Job but i DO have a source of income and i am getting paid to write which is my favorite thing to do in the world. like yeah i'm 26 i have never even been on a date in my life but like...i'm still here??? and i've grown so much? it's only march and i've already done more this year than past carly ever dreamed i could?? the entire past month i've just been floored by the fact that i never could've done any of this in the past, and apparently my doctor sees it too and now i am just. Better Enough. to live my life how i want to now. and that's so crazy overwhelming and kind of scary but also exciting. to finally look at things and think...yeah i think i can do that. instead of "what if i'm not healthy enough." to be able to look at the world as a bunch of things i can do now instead of things i can't...like maybe i will actually learn to drive and get out of this dumb midwestern town and become a journalist and maybe it is possible for me to have goals and dreams that i can actually achieve. it's so hard to wrap my head around because i never really allowed myself that possibility before

this is a lot of rambling just to say ???? i don't even know dude ASDFSDGG i just feel so happy and proud of myself...and i feel so happy for my past self too, there have been lots of times in my life that i feel like past me would be so disappointed that i haven't done more with my life but today i wish i could tell 13 year old carly that we made it. and that we will be okay and that i can promise that for a fact. and i feel so proud of the me that felt like she couldn't do Anything for just surviving those days because even those days helped me get to today and to become the me that is well enough to not have to go to the doctor more than once a year anymore. and it's not like Everything Is Better And Perfect And Great, there will still be shit days and there's still a lot to work on and a lot more growing to do but wow. things are so much less shit now than they were 10 years ago, or even five years ago, and being able to Feel that so strongly after so long is just so rewarding. i honestly can't even put it into words, i could type about 5000 more and i'm pretty sure it still wouldn't be enough.

tl;dr wow turns out the "things get better" bullshit isn't bullshit after all. it just turns out that sometimes even the shit is part of the "getting better." i hope that if you're going through a hard time now that by next year, or in the next five years, or ten years, you'll be able to look back on this difficult time and be proud of yourself for surviving it, and that you'll also be happy for your past self, and be in a position to tell the you of today that you made it and will be okay. bc if it can happen to me!! it can happen to anyone trust me okay.

[tiny-breadcrumbs]

Mulberry Song, A Short Story With Many Feelings

Reading Mulberry Song is like sitting in a car with no seatbelt on when the driver pull a sudden brake. Like yeahhh An Zi Wu is a piece of garbage for using her like that! Booo why don't you die in the war?! Then bam...the feeling got complicated and you cry when he actually die. Whatever shit happening between these two, it is so bittersweet and drenched in guilt.

In this life, Sang Ge being able to gain this moment of hesitation from An Zi Wu in exchange... Is enough.

You see, painful. Just painful. I think she love him. Maybe not a fully full blown passion, but something gentler, she is proud of him and there is fondness in there. Pity, he realize his own too late.

I saw some review here and there that say Sang Ge should hate this husband of her. That the story glorifies a woman's sacrifice and loyalty towards a man who did her dirty. In my point of view, this is just a story about war, sacrifice and guilt. It is very humane in some way. Human heart never works in a black or white, it has more shade than just that. To said it glorify would belittle the sacrifice she makes based on her choice, even as a character.

For all the trainwreck that happened, An Zi Wu can be seen as a righterous man. The rebellion he raised was against a tyranical reign, and for the people he fight, not for his own shady ambition. The scene at the top of the fortress is the final nail in the coffin. You can see she is not that bitter, she understand what the cost of that war, she understand perfectly her life is the last thing that stood in his way. Sang Ge at most is quite detached, but her act of sacrifice, I don't think she have resentment in her heart. And the marquis, he may plan the act long ago, but perhaps it never occur to him that he will grow fond of this wife he set up as a sacrificial lamb. It is truly too late to show his fear for her at that fortress. The classic of you never know what you have until it's gone.

From then on, we watch him drowning in guilt. Maybe he saw her eyes at that time, maybe he saw the smile and the way she always willing to die for him to help him achieve his dream. This new emperor naming his reigning era in the combination of his tittle and her name. Give her a lavish burial excedeed one for an empress. Never take another wife nor concubine. He chase her shadow everywhere because it is too late when the last time he chase her as a person. What a foolish man.

"Sang Ge being your wife in this lifetime, towards me, be it real affection, be it insincere feelings, I am still your wife. Should there be a day, you leave. I will definitely wait for you."

His eyelids hangs low, sinking into silence for a long time. "Wait for me then"

Bet he didn't know this simple promise last longer than just one war. Last longer than just one life.

Serve him right actually. An Zi Wu should learn his lesson about cherishing someone at your side before they gone in the hardest way possible. Must be painful. Quite poetic when she is the one who promised to stay at his side even in death, in the end, he is also the one who can't let her go. She is the only person he want at his side. They both have sad fate. Both deserve a meme of life is suck.

"But where is the path to retreat? The war already started, striving forth, still contains a glimmer of hope, and should I give up, not even a glimmer of hope will be left." His voice if very tightly stretched, carrying hoarseness like sorrow, like pain. "Sang Ge, yet you were too stubborn to even give me the chance to save you."

Perhaps it was for a better that Sang Ge lingering around, following him everywhere, and witnessing his misery. To see what he actually think of her and how her death bring him so much guilt it consume him thoroughly. She finally can see how he murmurs her name in his sickbed. How he begged her to take him away.

When he realise she always waiting, all that left only for him to return to her. And precisely that he will gladly do. I believe he end his life that night.

Finally returning to her side.

[imaesdr]

The Ungrateful daughter

My fear grows with me.

As a kid I was so scared to be a disappointment so I try to grow up not being one. Only then I realized, how I am so focused on being alive, but forgot to live as I am. Now I am stuck...lost.

I got too many fear but turns out it all adds up to one thing— the future. "What college would you attend to?" — I barely even passed my senior high school. The once an academic achiever now didn't even care and just had to pass. I ends up going to the basic, the one that just happened to be able to get me. "We'll be second year soon, I heard our professors would be a hard one" — I don't even want to worry anymore, I'll just passed the grade needed. "What are your plans after graduating?" — I seriously don't know. "What would happen to you if we're not here anymore" — nothing, I'll be gone too.

Of all questions about the future I am certain of the answer to one thing. If I lose any of them early, I'll be going too. Or maybe I'd better gone first.

I am not sad, but I'm not happy either.

I am 4 years clean...maybe 2? I don't think if it counts. Being stuck in a situation where you felt nothing, I watched sad movies to cry, comedy to laugh, and romance to feel loved but as soon the movie ends, the emotions vanished and I'm empty again. Then there are times that things will be too overwhelming, the hardest part is you will never understand the reason why you're suddenly crying. It just suddenly feel heavy and you burst out crying.

I'm isolating myself because telling people "my mental health is not okay and I don't feel like living anymore" felt so wrong. So I'm just gonna isolate myself until I'm better. I'm not friendless, I have plenty of them and a fair social life. It just that, when I'm alone, I tend to think that I don't need anyone but also no one would actually need me. I don't want them to be burden by something unnecessary such as my broken moods.

Dying is peaceful, alone but not lonely.

I remember seeing a post, where turns out dying just felt like sleeping. If it does, am I even still alive? Looking at the ceiling of my dark room. Opening my eyes to look at the time, it's past lunch, but I only sights and closed my eyes again. I don't even dream anymore, all black then time runs fast. If all it takes of dying is sleeping forever, I think I would take it. I don't feel like doing anything that requires living anymore.

I think of all the good side of it. My parents won't have to worry about me or my future if I'm gone. My brother could have anything he wants now that he doesn't have to share it with me. No unnecessary payments for my school or allowance. They don't need to work harder and just go to the farm and live the peaceful life they wishes. They don't have to deal with my mood swings. All those would be solved if I'm gone, isn't it a good thing? I only think of the good side of it, that's my selfishness. A parent losing a child with such reason, am I thinking fair of it?

If I told them I want to die.

I don't even think they would understand. It's even too complicated for me too. It'll be like wanting something that could bring pain to everyone but you. They're not the perfect parents, but I am forever be thankful that they are the person who raised me. All of my achievements so far are all made for them. But I am too tired now and I don't even know how it gets to this point.

[suzyqrara]

Luke 14:15-19

9/14/2024

I have been feeling so conflicted.  At first, I was conflicted with a friend whose morals don’t align with mine but she is part of my heart.  I feel like she represents the life I decided to not pursue anymore.  The worldly life, a life where I am constantly in search for a man/connection with another person, in hopes I will get the life I want, which is an opportunity to make a bigger family and not die alone when I am old.  This is a beautiful life to hope for, but it doesn’t seem like it is the plan god has for me since I’ve had an amazingly tough time getting worldly men to be attracted to me and getting into relationships.  I don’t know how to manage a intimate relationship with a man and I am 35 years old because I only had 2 in my entire life. This is a sign that this is not God’s plan for me.  If it were part of God’s plan, I wouldn’t have such a hard time getting into relationships.  

I am tired and don’t want to chase a dream that simply won’t happen the way I intend it to happen.  I feel like the more I spend my efforts in chasing the method of achieving this dream, the longer I will be alone and before you know it.. I am dying alone in a house and mason won’t find me until he finally makes it a point to call me and sees I am not answering.  

This is not what I want.  Lord, I want to die and have someone find me right away.  Even better, I want to die having people in the room with me.  Holding someone I love’s hand while I take my last breath.  I would die with a broken heart if my last moment’s I knew I am dying alone.  I’m crying now just thinking about it.  

I was on the balcony last night feeling sad that the method of which I want my dream to be achieved will probably never happen. I had a  feeling where I want to fight for my dream.  My feeling motivated me to keep trying to talk to these men on the online dating page and have hope that I will eventually meet the one person who I can have make this dream come true with me (aka have children and be together til we die). This urge to fight for the dream is my worldly voice talking to me.  It’s not God.  In this day of age, divorce is more common and people’s attention spans have decreased so much, it becomes completely not realistic to bet that a worldly relationship (not God Centered) will last until my death. Men cheat on women even if they didn’t have intensions to cheat or even hurt the person their heart loves.  People are just so weak when it comes to worldly temptations. If I end up with one of these men on a dating site who are not God fearing and walking in their faith, I will be divorced with my man in a few years. I would 100% not achieve my dream even though I was so close!

This voice that was talking to me last night was a complete lie. A lie to get me to consider walking outside my faith and continue on turning the stone wheel until years pass by me again. If I chose to listen to this lie, I will forever be fighting for this hope and no product from my labor will come. Working so hard for absolutely nothing. 

I read a parable in Luke today.  The parable makes it sound like God had a dream of having specific people join his banquet. I guess the Israelites.  He had this dream, and he prepared the banquet for them but the dream never came true because the people he invited rejected him.  His dream essentially never came true, just like how mine looks like it won’t. 

His main goal was to have people in his banquet, My goal is to not die alone and have a lonely death.  At the end, GOD still achieved his goal but not the way he initially planned for it to be achieved.  He found other people to join him in his banquet and his banquet was full of people enjoying what he prepared. I want family to surround me in my death bed so I can achieve the goal of not dying alone.  My goal is to feel my life is ending with the feeling that I was loved in this world and that I am part of a family who will always remember me and have me in their hearts. 

I understand that this dream is heavy in my heart because it is a desire that GOD approves of and will answer my prayers, but I need to understand that the way I am imaging of achieving this dream is not the way god intended it to be. God has a plan and his plan works towards saving as many souls as he can so more people can enjoy th eternal kingdom he has created with the goal of it being enjoyed and used. My dream will be granted, and it will help God’s goal be achieved as well as long as I follow his way on how to achieve it not mine.  My way won’t help his kingdom get people in at all.  It is to meet my gratification only.  His way will meet my gratification but also be a jewel for his kingdom and that is a better plan.

God wants to use my dream.  I have this dream in my heart since I was a teenage for a reason and GOD can use it. He wants me to stop chasing these dead-end connections and chase him. 

Each time I meet these people (online dating), they distance themselves and eventually ghost. I can never go past the second date and its been like this for a decade now.  I can try it to prove myself wrong and keep meeting these people but it always becomes the same story and I don’t want to waste my time and effort getting myself pretty just to be treated like I am less than what they expected. 

This journey has left me feeling so insecure.  I can’t even look at men in the eye anymore because I am insecure. I hate feeling insecure because I know I have absolutely no reason to be insecure!  I am a cute girl, with cute curves, beautiful heart, smart and a good soul.  I am a good catch!  This world will diminish this if I keep chasing it, while God will uplift this.

 This parable was confusing at first to me but I understand that God had a specific dream, and it didn’t turn out the way he wanted it but he still achieved his dream in a different way.  God figured out the different way for him because he is God and he will guide me to my different way as long as I put faith in what he can do.  God wants me to achieve my dream that is in my heart. He will make sure I achieve it but, in his way, and the bible tells me his way is the utmost beautiful way.  A way that I could never even fathom to be set out for me.  Thank you Lord, for talking to me this morning just like I asked you.  This was the motivation I needed to continue to walk your path and not pursue these online dating crap.  I will try to go to church tomorrow. 

[rainbowywitch]

Save our life,please!! 🥺🙏🏻🍉

Hello, I am Oday from Gaza, I live in war, fear and destruction, we have been living for almost a year now but we do not know how long, we have been displaced from our home more than 13 times,

every time I was displaced to another place I prayed that this would be the last, but then came the idea of forced exit to search for safety where there is no safety, we got very tired and our bodies were exhausted, we no longer had the energy to continue, we lived hunger, thirst, cold and all the difficult conditions that humans cannot imagine,

we did not imagine that a day would come when we would live all of this, I lost a lot of my family and I don't want to lose more we would live all of this, I lost my family and my childhood home, even my friends are no longer there, I was left alone!! I am looking for salvation from death, I fear death and I dread it, the idea is terrifying to leave your dreams, ambitions and the life you planned for and go from this world, we do not deny death but we do not want to live it now,

I had a beautiful life, suddenly I do not know how I lost my life, we live in a tent that can only accommodate 3 people, made of nylon that no human can bear, just standing in it for more than two minutes during the day is enough to melt you, in addition to insects, diseases and lack of privacy, imagine all this!! Can you live??

Things here are more difficult than you imagined, reality is painful

We wake up every day to the smell of death, I have been surrounded by tanks and helicopters more than 4 times, each time I do not know how to survive? It seems that my death has not come yet

I do not want to die!!🥺🥺

Please help me save my life and get out of here, life is impossible

Your donation will save my life, it is the only way, hand in hand we can achieve the goal please 🙏🏻

Link to my campaign to help me get out of gaza

https://gofund.me/7fc8a826

My campaign vetted by

@el-shab-hussein

We raised funds for Oday and his family who have been displaced several times as a result of the suffering devastating attacks 2023-2024 Please read their story below. From Oday: Hello, I am Oday Adnan Al-Anqar and I am 22 years old. My family and I lived in a rented house for 7 years until my father bought a very warm and comfortable apartment for our family and turned it into a beautiful home for us after a lot of fatigue and trouble. My father Adnan, my mother Sarah, my older sister Farah, my brother Abdullah, my brother Youssef, and my younger sister Rafif, who is only 5 years old. We were living in peace and had dreams until the suffering bombing that does not stop now. Since October 7, the suffering occupation forces have contacted me (and all Ga_zans) several times with a recorded message saying: “Ham_as is the cause of this destruction and you must evacuate Ga_zaCity in the northern Strip.” We suffered from these calls because they are psychological torture. They make us nervous, call at night and disturb our sleep. My house after What happened On Friday, October 13, 2023, I took a day off from my job in a clothing store after finishing my work at university. I was outside my house looking at the situation on the streets when suddenly a drone dropped several newsletters stating that Ga_za City should be evacuated now. So my family decided to move to my sister’s house near Al-Shifa Hospital because this area is a safe area and it was a very difficult day. We (my family and my sister’s family) lived in my sister’s house for twenty days, but on the twentieth day, the occupation committed a massacre against my sister’s husband’s cousins ​​in the house opposite her house. We ran quickly to see what happened, and as soon as we arrived we started crying when I saw the bodies. I tried to help the rest of the people buried under the rubble, but the neighbors They stopped me, saying that I would not help in the psychological state I was in. I saw death before my eyes. I insisted on helping, and I pulled out the martyrs and body parts with my bare hands. The next morning, we could not stay in that area. We walked a distance of 15 kilometers along Salah al-Din Street to escape to southern Ga_za, carrying My little sister, and I hear her screaming as she says, “My brother, my father, get me out of here.” Our journey along the escape route was horrific, as much as we witnessed unimaginable atrocities: corpses lying in the streets and houses turned into rubble. We passed through a checkpoint of soldiers while they raised their weapons in our faces, and the sounds of planes and artillery did not stop. We saw death from every angle. We had to move to Deir al-Balah to our friend's house for ten days. It was very difficult there because the house is far from any markets or stores to get what we need. We even had to buy water for washing and that was very expensive. After that, we had to leave because our friend's family needed to stay home. We left and headed to the city of Ra_fah. We stayed in a rented apartment for two months, but after that we could not stay due to the high cost of rent and the lack of work to get enough money. We had to live in a tent, which was a large piece of cloth, in a camp for the displaced.

Next to our camp, the street was full of sewage and garbage. So if I don't die from the bombs, I might die from the disease Our routine here is to wake up at six in the morning or earlier due to the noise of air strikes and explosions, and try to find a bathroom to relieve ourselves and wash our faces. After that, I go looking for water to wash the dishes and for drinking water. Unfortunately, we cannot shower here because there is no facility or water for it. At around 9am, my brother and I go to whoever has solar panels so we can charge a battery for our lights to use at night and our phone battery. After that I will go look for food. All the food is expensive and hard to get since there are so many people here. There are over 1.5 million people now. We've all lost weight. It's almost impossible to find any chicken or beef, and food prices change all the time. Fuel is also expensive and difficult to obtain. The cost of evacuation at this point cost my family about $5000. My father has not received his salary since the suffering attacks We apologize for our scattered thoughts. We've all been lost and haven't been normal since all this chaos. We do not know what to do, especially now that they have entered Raf_ah and we have been displaced again to Deir al-Balah due to the military operation by the occupation forces. We do not know whether they will invade Deir al-Balah as well or not We don't know whether we should leave because maybe it will be worse where we go, or stay here and maybe regret it. We really miss our homeland. We loved it so much and were so comfortable there, but now it's just rubble. We couldn't even retrieve any of our belongings from under the rubble. So, even if the war ends soon, where will we live? We only have each other left. Living in the camp is very difficult and unhealthy. It's very cold and you are always around a lot of people, noise, sewage and garbage. It is very crowded, so you cannot relax or enjoy the peace. We are looking for a safe way out of Ga_za, but it is very difficult and very expensive. It costs more than $5,000 per person to go to Egypt! Unfortunately, we cannot afford that. We have witnessed and survived four wars. Will we survive the fifth? I will tell you more about myself. Ever since I graduated high school I dreamed of being in the USA and studying law there! Unfortunately, I was unable to leave Ga_za due to the high tuition fees, so I studied motion graphics for two years and graduated with honors and was preparing to complete my bachelor’s degree. I worked in a design and montage company and I loved my work very much. Then I opened an online clothing store, but I was unable to complete my project because of the war. On 10/13/19, I left my home, my clothes, and my memories there in Ga_za City. I have described the suffering to you here, but it is just a drop in the ocean. I used to be a giver but this is the first time I have asked you to help me and my family evacuate Ga_za and live a new, safe and comfortable life.” This picture is an honest poem that demanded a right

It has pollution, but we have to Please help us raise funds to evacuate Oday and his family and help them establish a new life. Contributing any amount will help us greatly. thank you very much all I love you from the bottom of my heart

[marisdisry]

Entry IV: 06.19.2024

Maybe I don't deserve therapy. I still cannot fathom even avoiding my cousin. I am lonely.

Being an only child truly rides you down the deepest depths of loneliness. At least I think so. I'm not all that close with my friends apart from one girl, and I don't try to engage myself with my other friends. While I can see that my upbringing is not naturally at fault, all of this is arguably self-inflicted by isolation, I was never even allowed to play with the children in my neighbourhood and grew up with my development guided by an iPad. If not for school and regular socializing, I would have never learned to speak to people.

I cried the other day from how lonely it felt to wake up by myself, do things by myself, and even sit by myself. I had to send the voice notes to my best friend and speak to my cousin just for assurance that we will see each other again - my older sister/cousin, not the touchy one.

My older friends told me that everything wasn't my fault. I am minimizing the trauma by saying things like "(this happened) but (this happened to make up for it/this was given so this has to be taken in return).

It is going to be a long while until I see them again. I still feel a pang of sadness at the thought. Being by myself all day without one single soul I agree with is torture. How I did it all my life before, I know will come, but right now, I keel over and sob like the immature child I have always been - I have always felt like.

On the other hand, I have started to become more active on EDtwt. Terrible decision, I know. But I would rather have a community I could at least relate to. My body has always been my biggest flaw. The most outstanding mistake I have ever seen walk this Earth. I stopped looking into the mirror long enough to notice what I disliked, and instead, I focused on the newly prominent features that were surfacing from the loss of weight.

I don't have good skin, good teeth, or even a good scent (or so my aunt told me). I would at least want to be shaped nicely. Dainty. Helpless. The true meaning of my existence is lost in the rolls of fat I so indulged in having. Customers would at least like a product they can appreciate in the shadows when the light reveals its true ugliness. Like a fleshlight. I'm not planning on becoming a prostitute yet, but I think you get what I mean.

It's difficult trying to find an older man willing to support an ugly, shameful cause like me. But I will try to keep looking. I do want that new phone.

To be honest, I want everything. I am greedy. Materialistic at best, a thief at worst.

But throughout everything, as I write this and dissect my thoughts and feelings, I still wonder - would things be better if I just killed myself? It's only a passive thought, I still have dreams and ambitions even when I'm not too keen on achieving them. A life of passion is romantic and I fantasize about being one of those young women who are burnt out by academic pressure but still achieve what is expected of them. They are broken and stressed, but they are still the best at their game. Meanwhile, I could barely muster up the motivation to so much as want to take the test I would need to improve my standing in life.

I cut and I starve and I am still the same loser with no self-respect who yearns for her cousin's touch.

Why can't I just be different? Why can't I change? Why do I have to feel this way out of everyone? Is it because I barely believe in God?

I want to be good. I want to succeed.

I want to die. This is all so exhausting.

[tetrisfinished]

the good place - SPOILER ALERT

i'm currently binging this show. i started watching it a while ago when it first came out but lost momentum when i had to wait for next seasons etc. so this time i've started right back at the beginning.

i am sincerely enjoying this show and in light of the "veil" that's been lifted from my own eyes since oct 7th , 2023 (#freepalestine), it has started to feel like this show has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

the premise of the show is that 4 humans die and wake up in the afterlife and are led to the "good place" ie the general understanding of a "heaven". but [IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW AND DO NOT WANT SPOILERS, STOP READING HERE] what ends up being revealed is that those 4 people have actually been sent to the BAD place ("hell") but have been led to believe that they were in the good place!

and have had to experience subtle tortures in the bad place that completely ruins their "good place" experience.

and i just feel like is there a more perfect metaphor or anecdote for our lives these days. especially for those of us living in the "civilized western world".

the world that gives us all the comforts we need, but always leaves us either wanting for more or else completely stretched out in order to afford the stuff we do have?

one of the things that i think is such a PERFECT plot point in the good place is the fact that instead of ice cream, the place is filled with frozen yogurt places. in the scene where the "architect" is trying to come up with this idea, he asks his assistant "janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?".

to which janet responds "frozen yogurt".

have we not been led to believe how much we will enjoy our worldly possessions. how much we need the houses that we spend our money mortgaging, how much we need that designer LITERALLY ANYTHING in our lives? in the world of massive multinational corporations driving our demand towards whatever they're supplying, have we not been brainwashed into believing that they will solve our problems? when....in actual reality....we might not actually HAVE problems!?

URGH.

life out west is exactly this; it's a life people think they enjoy, people strive to achieve, but it's also kind of a bummer. we work all the time, we live for the weekends. we purchase devices to engage with other human beings and make connections and lo and behold those same devices are the things that drive us away from those SUPER NATURAL experiences!

we earn money to have food, then we earn money to have a car, then we earn money to have shelter. but it's not enough. we need the best food. we need another car. we need a mortgage over a rental. and after the mortgage, we need a cottage and an airbnb. we need these things that we don't actually need in order to sustain a life that perhaps, if someday, we had the balls to be honest with ourselves...we don't actually want!

and i get it, i'm the biggest victim of capitalism and the "American dream" that i know. i refused to even consider having a child until i had signed off on a mortgage. WHY? would a rental not have sufficed for esa who yearns so badly to sleep in his parents' room, in his parents' bed?

we needed a car and then we needed another car because we were just going to our jobs and both of us work and yasir has a side business all for what? so that we could afford our home?

and now we want a bigger home so that we can continue to work and not actually spend any time in said home!? what are these weird toxic circles that we're building for ourselves!?

when Allah swt has asked us for none of this. He has not asked us to build houses. He's asked us to build families. He has not asked us to buy cars. He's not asked us to have iphones or teslas or guccis or pradas. He's asked us for faith and tawakkul and worship. and He has promised us reward in return.

and yet we walk about our daily lives as if we have control over these things!? i'm planning my family as if i have any control over actually having a child!? i'm planning my career as if i have any control over receiving a promotion!?

obviously, i still understand, the control we do have lies in our hard work and Allah swt rewards honest hard work. but i mean....if it's not meant for us, it will not be for us. and if it is meant for us, nothing will stop it from us. so how do we go around with the audacity to believe we have any semblance of control.

anyway. i have just gone through some pretty big life realizations since this past october and i just....i guess i feel jilted. i feel like i've been lied to. i've been brainwashed and pushed into wanting a certain life for myself that i didn't ever really need. but here i am...fulfilling it's demands.

when perhaps my purpose on this earth was not any of that.

anyway. before i become incomprehensible, i'm going to end this post.

much love,

goodnight.

[hanaaamaryam]

Quarter-Life Crisis

"Impostor syndrome"

As silly as this sounds, after the countless of stories I've heard from people, friends, of their own experience in feeling lost in life. I can't seem to shake this feeling off. I've been reading post online to get some answers in my life. Even when I am experiencing life, I will self-doubt myself on my own opportunities and own experience. By comparing myself to others. I've read somewhere a quote stated:

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” ― Charles Bukowski

I guess that speaks volume to me. At times, I realised that everything you see online is fake. What is priceless is within you. Your own experience. I believed that when one feels stuck in life, it's actually a good sign to take this opportunity to reflect on your own skills and all the choices you have made.

Let me tell you something, i find it very hard to start something when i don't even know where to start. I'm clueless. I've never been this clueless in life. I've always been so carefree. So free spirited. The type to go where the wind takes me. They said: "Just start, just do it","take that leap of faith". it's easier said than done when the only one standing in your way is yourself. Being in your twenties can often be confusing and lonely.

It starts with a feeling of being locked in to a commitment at work or at home. We take on jobs, rent apartments, and enter relationships, but then feel trapped in pretend adulthood. Then, at some point, they leave their romantic partners, jobs, or social groups and become separated and lonely. Reflecting and recalibrating plans, alone and isolated, until eventually they go out and explore new hobbies, interests, and social groups, finally emerging at the other side of the crisis happier, more motivated, and with a greater sense of clarity. They say, it will come to an end. The sooner you accept it, the better you will feel.

And for me, it's only the beginning.

Every time i open social media and see all these people, they all seem so collected and level-headed. They seem to know what they're doing and where they're going. They've all travelled to places I've been dreaming of for years. And at work, people seem so passionate about their work. How come I don't feel that way? Why am I not happy?

I used to have dreams and ambitions. I still do, but they seem to have gone into hiding and I can't find them. Does my life have purpose? Am I just a speck on this earth? Will I achieve anything before I die?

Oh how I wish to be young and carefree. To do just whatever the hell I want. To create experience. To find adventures. Make friends.

But this is the reality.