#i really wish i knew some (all) of you irl because i cant express how NOT-DRAMATIZED this is]

[sunlightfeeling]

it finally happened.

.

.

.

sigh it was nice knowing you, smeeps 😔

(please read tags)

[babysizedfics]

Mama Logan's xmas video

Background

As has been mentioned before, patton ALWAYS takes photos and videos of his family when they have littletime and he holds these photos and videos very dear to his heart

he used to send some of them to logan at the end of every day - mostly just his favourites. he would take thirty to fifty everyday and sent logan maybe 5-10 in the evenings

logan would simply reply with a :) or a 'Very lovely.' message

although whenever patton asked if logan saved them, logan said it was not really in his interest. he preferred to live in the moment, and besides patton kept the photos if logan ever needed them for whatever reason

So patton had hundreds and hundreds of photos and vids of his family after months of being a little family

until on the 25 november his phone unexoectedly was wiped over night and he lost all of his camera roll

he hadn't backed up his phone at all

patton was devastated, he cried for the whole day - logan tried helping to restore them but couldnt find any hope of doing it. pat took the phone to a workshop the next day but even they couldnt bring the photos back

even for the next four weeks every now and then he remembers how much he lost and geets tearful and sometimes just really down and everyone hates to see him like that

Now onto christmas day

a month later on christmas day the family all celebrate - in the morning they open presents and have hot chocolate

and logan bought patton a handheld camera to capture all of the little moments without worrying about ohone backup and storage. he makes sure to teach patton how to transfer files to his laptop too

they cook lunch, roman and virgil exchange gifts in secret, and then after they eat logan asks them all to come into the living room

vee gets a slight anxiousness since logan refuses to explain whats going on - he starts getting stressed but logan anticipates this and apologises and holds virgils hand to help him calm as they move to the living room

and logan sits them all on the couch - logan in the corner, then patton, roman, and virgil on the end closest to the door to feel less trapped

and he sends them all a small nervous smile then turns on the TV and presses play

a shaky handheld video comes onscreen - it shows baby vee cuddled in his logans lap, paci bobbing in his mouth and sound asleep. logan is smiling at roman, who is say next to them and stroking virgils head softly. the scene from chapter 7 of little accidents big developments, when roman first sees virgil in his new younger littlespace

the present patton in the living room gasps so loudly it makes everyone jump - his hands are slapped over his mouth and his eyes instantly well with tears. he looks at logan with a shocked and desperate expression

logan scootches closer to him on the couch, their hips touching and logan holding psttons hand tightly. he knows patton will be emotinal for this

"Are you being gentle with your brother, Roman?" Patton asks off screen

"I'm being really soft, look," the roman on screen says, sounding very quiet but clearly using his little voice

"Well done, little prince" on screen logan says with a proud, soft smile

'oh my god..' present virgil whines, burying his burning cheeks in his hands

'wow i really take up the screen with my presence!' present roman brags. he is smiling confidently and hoping it distracts anyone from his own blush and the way he us sinking back into the couch and avoiding everyones eyes

'i th-thought' patton breaks off with a sniffle 'i thought it was gone forever' he whispers through tears. but he cant rip his gaze away from the screen

then the video fades out - only to reveal a photo of family time where vee and roman were playing together and patton was laughing with them

then another photo of roman and patton smiling and posing with some cookies they made on week

then another of vee and logan napping together and cuddling on the couch

patton starts sobbing now because he realises - this isnt just one video, this is a whole compilstion of lhotos and videos patton thought were lodt forever

then a voiceover starts accompanying the slideshow/video - logan's boice

"I predict by this point if the video Virgil will be hiding his face in embarrassment-" vee makes a small whine from behind his hands. roman giggles

"- and roman will have probably made an overconfident remark to distract from his own embarrassment-" roman gasps in offence and crosses his arms

pictures keeping showing on the screen

"and patton, my love, i am afraid you may be shocked and confused. perhaps even upset"

patton sniffles and holds logans hand tighter

"but i assure you all, this video is not meant to cause discomfort. i only aim to inspire as much joy and love in you all as i feel whenever i look back on these images. yes, i keep them all saved and yes, i look back on them often. i do not want to overwhelm any of you. virgil, you may leave if you so wish-"

virgil doesnt move

"roman you may cause distractions if you fee uncomfortable being so vulnerable-"

roman doesnt say a word

"and pstton, i promise i will be right by your side through this whole thing as i am to be throughout our lives"

logan turns to patton irl and presses a kiss to the side of his head. patton cries more and wiggles his legs over logans lap and holds him tight as he keeps watching the video

the video goes on, so many photos and videos disaplying their family, and logan's voiceover constsntly stating how much he loves all of his family and why

he reassures virgil that his dependence and vulnerability is endearing and inspires logan with affection

he reassures roman that his boisterousness and creativity are bith amusing and enjoyable and inteligent

he reassures patton thst his dedication to the boys makes him so proud of his partner and so adoring of how big his heart is

the whole video is LONG - like twenty minutes

and patton is crying through it all and using the apron roman gifted him that morning to mop up his tears

but roman and virgil sre both big and very stubborn

theyve never actually been so open about how close they are when little, they dont deny it anymore but its hard to discuss openly

but here there is physical proof they cant deny, on screen shows how close and loving they sre as brothers when little

they both get emotiona during the video and are sniffling but keep their distance on the couch

until one video pstton had taken when they bith fell asleep cuddling on the couch after their first sleepover

virgil's face crumples and he shakily whimpers 'f*ck' and shoves himself over ont he couch towards roman

roman was ready too, his arm is open for virgil and he holds virgil around the shoulders as they both try not to cry at the video

they cuddle for the rest of the show

patton isnt able to watch all of it because he hides his face in logans shoulder so bing every few minutes

but after it they're all crying and cuddling and there are forehead kisses and whispers of love. and it's about thirty seconds before they realise the video has made vee start to regress

so they can let go of the emotional moment for a bit to prepare for little time

but in the future of course they still keep the video. patton watches it everyday for the whole week

and the thing is virgil never ever knew what his regression was really like from an outside perspective - he is barely sure of his own perspective because of the memory gaps

and this video sticks in his mind for weeks because he ACTUALLY acts like a baby, he's SEEN it now and it shocks and scares and excites and thrills him it's all so overhwelming

and every few days, then eventually every few weeks, vee tiptoes to logans room and shyly asks if he can watch the video again. he becomes fascinsted with this proof that his regression really is what everyone said it was - completey all encompassing

this is rlly messy pls ask questions if theres any line of inquiry that you want built on or explained more - i dont rlly know how to squeeze it all in djdjd

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[ipliers-helpline]

I’ll be posting this as a text post because asks are acting up.

i’ve seen that you’re not an insanely active blog recently, and i dont really know who i should direct this question to since i just kind of need advice and need to vent so you can choose yourself but.. i’ve had a crush on this guy who’s 17 and is 3 years (almost 4) older than me and recently while i was in a voice chat with him and few others they just.. all started being lovey and i felt so bad cause i got basically ignored and pushed to the corner and they’re all basically in a- (1/?)

-relationship now and i feel so replaced and ignored cause i felt like me and him were having something together by then cause he kept being lovey and caring towards me and he goes out and basically ignores me for the whole night and then when he went to sleep one of the people he got in a relationship with stayed and talked to me and told me it was fine and feelings are shitty sometimes and i’ll be okay but its 11am and i havent slept for two days and i want to leave the entire friend- (2/?)

-group completely cause i feel like i dont belong. and its a pretty big discord server too so i just feel like im nothing and i hate myself and i feel like they hate me and im just a background character who just entertains them for fun and even though i love everyone there so much and they’re my best friends i feel like i got betrayed cause most of the people he was being lovey with knew my crush on him and i feel like they didnt care at all. i just feel so fucking replaced and it hurts- (3/?)

-and i cant sleep and i just wish all of this was over already i wish i could die i dont even know what to do. i love everyone there so dearly but i feel like i just got punched in my heart and i feel so sick and empty and sad. i love him so much but i have no chance and i feel like my heart was ripped out through my skin and shredded. im sorry, i you don’t have to answer this, i just wanted to talk to anyone. (4/4)

_________________________________________

I’m very sorry, I’ve been meaning to answer this for days but I’ve been rather busy with irl stuff, and I’m currently the only active “answering mod”. First and foremost, please seek immediate help if you’re feeling suicidal in any way. There’s a long list of hotlines in many countries here, here, and here, since I don’t know where you’re from.

So, from what I’m gathering, you’re 14, this boy is 17, almost 18. You and him were talking, you have/had a crush on him (I’m just going to use past tense to make things easier), but you also have mutual friends and they also seemed to be talking. He was acting flirty (or seemingly so) with you, but then when you and these mutual friends all were in a call together, he was flirting with them. Now he’s in a relationship with them (multiple people, I assume,) and you feel left out because he’s now starting to ignore you. But you also feel betrayed because these friends knew of your crush on him, and got together with him anyway. Correct me if any of that is wrong. The way you worded it made it unclear if they’re all actually dating or if he’s just flirting with them.

‬If it was just flirting, there’s no reason to feel betrayed, though I could understand why you would. But your friends could have done nothing about the guy’s flirting unless it made them actually uncomfortable, in which case they could say something and, I’m assuming, if he’s actually a good guy, he’d stop. If they were flirting back, I can see how you’d feel bad, but still, your friends have their own lives, they can do what they please with them. If you’re unhappy with them, speak with them calmly about it. Explain your feelings; it’s likely they had no idea they were flirting. Sometimes people just naturally flirt.

Which brings me to this boy. He’s almost an adult, and you’re very much not. He’s almost four years older than you are. You can have a crush on him all you want, but it’s very likely he doesn’t see you that way, and isn’t meaning to flirt with you at all. I know it may not seem like a lot of age difference, but when you’re 17, 14 seems like forever ago, and usually the thought of dating someone that young is not only unappealing, but actually almost illegal. (I’m in the US, I’m applying our age of consent rules.) I remember being both 14 and 17. You become a completely different person within that time frame. You don’t even completely realize it. But you grow and mature a lot in a short amount of time. Dating someone that much younger than you in that time is like dating someone 20 years younger when you’re in your 50s. It makes a huge difference. I know it hurts to hear, but don’t let a crush ruin a friendship for you. It may happen, who knows, but don’t let it spoil what you have now.

However. If it’s too painful for you, leave the group for a while. I’d say for a solid month, but the actual time frame is up to you. That will give you some time to breathe, think things over, think about what you want to do. Do you want to talk to him, explain your crush? Do you want to keep it a secret from him? Do you want to leave forever? These are all questions you have to ask yourself, from an unbiased standpoint you’re not going to know the answers when you’re so emotional, when the feelings are all new. Give yourself time, think it over, determine a plan of action. But in the end, all the choices are up to you. We don’t get to decide how we feel, but we absolutely get to decide how we express those feelings.

I really hope this helps, and I wish you luck.

~Mod A

[erenjaegur]

Snk Positivity Day 6: Love Your Series

Im gonna put this under a read more because I cant think of express my feelings on something without turning it into a full length incoherent ass essay so!!

I’ve been in the snk fandom since I was like 12 lol - Im 16 now so that’s like, five years?? I can still remember like I’d see a lot of gifs n stuff of it going around tumblr and for some reason I just really felt I wouldn’t like it like I had smthing lowkey against it?? But then I decided to watch it one day, n i still remember, I was just chilling on my laptop watching it in the sitting room, my family around me and stuff and goddd it was soo good... but it made me tear up... n bITCH I was NOT! about to cry in the sitting room around my family. I was not! prepared for that. That night I stayed up till possibly 1 or 3am just watching it, I must’ve gotten to like around episode 6 I think? I loved it so much I rlly fell in love, I finished it all in just three days.... three days of which I also went to school and stuff and had to go to my friends party.... bitch i was pissed i didnt even like that person....i just wanted to finish snk lmaooo 😭

Im pretty sure Id spend sm of my time invested in snk and looking through snk tumblrs and stuff and other fandom stuff of it, I loved it so much!!! like!! thats all I did and even then I was still forcing my friends to read/watch it. I was really cringey in 6th class wow lmaoo I would literally go around during break with the snk manga like xD!!! eren is my baby!!! saying shit like that yikes.... bitch first of all hes 4 years older than you...your literally 12.....

Especially then, when I was younger it brought me sm happiness like when little me was going through shit then little insecure young me, you know how people say u use entertainment to escape or whatever, a distraction, idk.... like that was rlly it man idk ho to describe it without sounding weird i swear it was like my main source of happiness omg lol

Almost always, its very rare like I’ll be watching a movie, listening to music, anything like that just consuming some piece of media or literally just like. living my life and I see something and im like. omg snk au in which.... or I just somehow relate it back to snk or some of its characters lol. Like even when I was on holiday in Venice last year I was literally like thinking of a fanfic of like, the 104th on holidays in Venice like how wholesome...

Like I really do love snk I think about it every day without fail, and I honestly think I’ll always always always love it, and even if I don’t, it’s always gonna have a special place in my heart. Like, I liked it since i was literally 12 years old and it helped my through shit and I just have so much good memories associated with it. I honestly rlly do picture myself being like a 40 year old woman and still loving snk but like the fandom is dead or something... 😭 I rlly hope that never happens.....bc that will happen my 40 year old ass will b like boiis whens season 10 coming out ? Like I really hope snk is one of those series that kind of just lives on forever, or atleast for a very long time - Like Harry Potter for example

Okay, all that was really personal and I’d be surprised if anyone is reading this anyway, but I love looking back on it and talking about snk like this, I love it :) Butttt, getting to one of the reasons why I think I might love snk so much, and I mean, I can’t really pin it down why I love it so much, I dont think anyone can pin down EXACTLY why they love something, especially a series, but I think one thing I really like, and it becomes really apparent when I look at other series is like, they have a good balance between male and female characters if that makes sense. Like theres not way more men in the show than there is women, like how it is in some series or like, theres not way more men in the show than there is women, and the female characters in the show aren’t just like background characters pretty much, and they’re all good fleshed out and developed characters n shit. I think people have talked about this before but yeah.. And the female characters aren’t sexualised or anything like that and like, theres basically little to no fanservice at all which is nice. Supereyepatchwolf said something about it in his video about snk, how it can appeal to everyone because anyone of any age and gender and such can be in the survey corps n stuff... :P

And the characters just in general of course :) I honestly think the characters is one of snks strongest points, like... im not about to do a full on character analysis on anyone here lol but they’re just so amazing. Like I think on first glance it can probably be easy for people to sort most of them into like a trope or something or just write them off as cliche - mostly eren is victim to this bc people are like typical shounen boy !!! but like. you know anyway. I wish I was better at expressing my feelings and thoughts lol. Like god idk i feel like its so easy for someone who idk might just be a casual fan or smthing to just kinda see the characters on their more surface level without seeing how much depth they actually have - and I feel like that could also easily happen with anime only ppl. Like snk really does have so much great n complex n developed characters, especiallyyy now with the timeskip, more so now than ever. Like you know when you love something so much that you cant just pin point one thing about it... because its like.... everything about it i love n everything within it works to like compliment everything in it if that makes sense u get me?? like i cant just pinpoint ONE THING its the whole thing.... why i love snk? *directs u to link of readsnkmanga.com* or something lol

as for the characters themselves, obviously u can tell, with my url, u can take a guess at who my favourite is :) since the timeskip, i dont like him as much - not that i dislike him, i could literally never - but timeskip eren is basically a whole new person - and im not saying that in a bitter tone or anything, if anything its cool and i appreciate it and i understand why eren is like this now, all the shit hes been through- stuff so singular that barely anyone else would be able to understand, no one, if anything. So i understand why hes like this, and as i said earlier, this’ one of snks strong points its complex and rlly developed characters... The things I admired about Eren is just like... his good and bad, everything. How passionate he is, how he wears his heart on his sleeve - that of which being his most notable quality imo, and he expresses himself in an unapologetic manner like.... the courtroom scene... he rlly shouted that in front of all those people... how headstrong, stubborn and impulsive he is. I relate to Eren alot, thats part of the reason why I love him so much because I think I can kinda see myself in him.. but on the same hand, I think it’s also because he possesses a lot of traits I admire. Eren never backs down even when the whole world seems to be against him. He holds on firmly to what he believes in and never gives in, even when literal guns or canons are being pointed towards him. He’s full of determination and will power and he knows what he wants, and he’s also not afraid to express his opinion, even if he knows that he’ll be laughed at or be largely disagreed with.. And I admire his impulsiveness too. Those are all things I admire and other things I didn’t mention.. like me, I’m a very non confrontational person, I always feel things out before getting to it, and even then a lot of the time I just don’t at all. I might second guess my emotions and feelings when it comes to relationships with people especially, and I can a lot of the time stifle or keep quiet about my own beliefs, not completely keeping quiet, but not speaking them out as firmly as I believe them in my own mind, yielding? more I guess, if people disagree with me, I might step down a little - Which isn’t a completely bad thing, it’s good to be openminded and to see other sides, but when it’s coming from a place of embarassment or insecurity, not so much. So I really admire those traits in Eren :) I relate to him a lot, but I also know that in a lot of ways too, we are veryy different. I’ve even thought before, if I knew someone like Eren irl would I even like them lol?? Who knows lol. But as a character, I love him :) My other two favourtie characters after Eren, Levi and Jean, I won’t go into them as much as I did Eren but with them, and not just that, all of the other reasons they’re my faves.. I have like more of a ‘crush’ on them lmaooo like with them i could read so much /reader fanfic lol... but even though Eren is my #1 I could nEVER...god NO lol. And I think thats also down to the fact, as I’ve been saying I seen myself in Eren... rather than the other way around :))))))))

Like god there have been so many times I’ve laughed, cried at stuff in this fandom, made good memories as a result of it irl too... bullied my friends into watching it.... Like I have nothing but good memories. I really can’t express enough how positively snk has impacted my life like I genuinely can’t, it’d be impossible.. I seriously love it :) I’ve made friends bc of it, gotten closer to friends bc of our mutual interest in it, stuff like that...:) And even if those things didn’t happen, I’d still love the series and its fandom itself. :) I seriously can’t thank enough, the ppl that contribute to this fandom, I really can’t. Everything, and everyone to small and big creators, thank you so much. Well known and lesser known creators, like just everything and everyone, seriously. Everyone is just why this fandom is so great and!! Like I just think how lucky am I to have smthing like snk have such a big fandom and stuff and so many great people in it. Like y’know when you see your favourite fanfic update, you see your favourite artist has put out smthing new, even just see a funny snk text post or something, it all can really brighten and even make your day, and its so good :) There are so many amazing creators in this fandom, fanfics that are honestly better than published books I’ve read - like seriously, some of this stuff seriously deserves to e published or something!! And the fact that so much of these creators are putting their work out there and sharing with us for free, is just so great, and I’ll never not be grateful for it :)

Like seriously, returning back to when I was like 12-14, some days back then when I was younger it really felt like y’know the only things I could take comfort in was this series and its characters and stuff yknow.... and maybe im just being and emo teen but im getting kinda emotional thinking about it just now :’) Like seriously... I feel like im maybe being too much in this post lol but seriously this series means a lot to me.. as I said, I can honestly really picture myself being like 40 and still rlly loving snk like no matter what, whatever happens, wherever the series goes, whatever the hell, it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, because its helped me through a lot, a lot of bad days, I have nothing but good memories associated with it, made friends, seen some of the most beautiful art and read rlly great writing!! Just like yeah. Thank u Isayama and this entire fandom.....

and I was gonna peace out but I also want to appreciate and throw some love @ Isayamas art and art style. Obviously, Isayama was a bit infamous in the earlier days for his art not looking so great (Which also is amazing bc like a manga with not so great art like his in the beginning... grew to become so BIG!! like who would’ve thought) - even so the character design and stuff was all really good?? Like I also think thats a strong point he has too!! And all those years of practicing really shows, because damn!! look at his art now!! It’s really damn nice and im not just saying that lol :P

Anyway!! :) Thats all lol

[wearethejerkoffs]

all aesthetic asks

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? who knowsfairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?will i ever be actually happy? lmao. daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?i guess not killing myself yet 1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?going to glenlord with four lights in my life. matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?i would probably move to a different country and just leave everything behind. black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?see a moose irl (zoo doesnt count) visit Niagara Falls Visit London. pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.he never looks bad. seeing him smile will automatically cheer me up. he has the best laugh, and tells the goofiest jokes. i like hearing him talk and he smiles whenever his name is mentioned. i wish we were closer. moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?yeah i suppose. stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?uhhhh from sadness i cant remember. i cried from laughing in front of becca and ash i think. plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.Trey and Jake. i like them a lot. converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?yeah i guess. im pretty open. lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?chad last night, hes just a boy i want to hug forever. handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?i would probably remind becca she will be okay. cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?i like them, i have them sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally."losing the feeling of feeling unique" its just a lyric i love and relate too. oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?"don't read, you're not gonna be interested."overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?buy a green Camry, move to canada, get a cute place to live. help my mom. combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?i can be, unless im really angry. winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.ill write a 15 word letter: stop being in the abusive relationship you're in now. stay away from men like him. pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?punk. tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.i like them. i like that way of expressing yourself. i want more. piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?yes because im ugly as fuck without it. bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.i exist i exist i exist x flatsound. anyone who knows me knows that. messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.kill trump and pence. cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.way too many to list. amity affliction will forever stick with me. cried a lot with my best friend. grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?obama telling me he loves me. space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?nopewhite bed sheets: what is your night time routine?smoke weed and watch the officeold books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?i had sex with jake from goodwillbeaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?red hair, black bangs eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?becca, jake, trey, ky cam, gabe. we would go to st joe and stay there for hours 11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.for becca and i to be financially stable, to be in a beautiful town, and for trump and pence to die. painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.hallowqueen bitchlightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?suck a weird boys dickthunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?analstorms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?youngbloods x amitylove: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.platonic love with becca. it feels like i cant stop smiling clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?helll nocoffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?it switches, i like pumpkin spice, and salted caramel mocha on ice. idc who orders for me marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?becca!