#But it really feels like there was a group of people doing the best they could with the llittle they had...

[daphwritesworld]

YOU ARE DOING GODS WORK WRITING FOR TOP!KEIRA. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR MONTHS!! NOT TO RUSH YOU BUY WHEN IS IT COMING OUT??

hopefully the first part will be out tomorrow, but the latest will be Friday :D

…..and okay yall have done it…you have forced me to give you a lil preview 😩 (a.k.a i just can’t contain it to myself anymore bc im so excited lol)

part one out now: read here!!

18+ MINORS DNI

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“You better get your girl, Kei!” A very drunk Alexia laughs out, “Before your best friend does.”

Keira’s eyebrows draw together in confusion, her eyes searching out to where her captain’s sights are set. And oh what a sight she is met with— you, her sweet angel, pressed up against Leah on the dance floor. You’re still high off the win, and even more elated from seeing your old english teammates celebrating with you. It’d been quite a day at the UEFA, both of your groups collecting a victory in your matches.

Now here you are, three shots deep and your adrenaline making you act out a lot more than you normally would. You’re usually such a good girl for Keira. An absolute picture perfect sub— admired by all who saw the two of you interact. She loves the way you heed her every word, never arguing or disagreeing when she tells you to do something. So it’s a surprise to her when you just smile at her, and grind your ass back against Leah when she motions for you to come towards her.

Keira feels her jaw clench as her fingers tighten around the glass in her hand, and she makes the continuous decision to set it down before she ends the night early getting stitches. She starts making her way through the crowd, her eyes never leaving yours as she does. Leah’s whispering something in your ear, and you bite your lips at whatever it is. A blush crossing your cheeks as you finally break the intense gaze of your girlfriend. Leah’s hands are circling around your middle now, her palms resting low on your abdomen as she presses you against her even tighter.

You can hear your heart thumping in your ears now. A pit deepens in your stomach as Keira rapidly approaches you, her hand instantly wrapping around your wrist as she yanks you into her body. You stumble at first, your free hand coming up to balence yourself against her chest. You feel like your blood is molten lava under your skin, and you aren’t sure if it’s the alcohol or your actions that’s causing the burning sensation to pump through your veins.

Maybe it’s the good girl deep inside of you burning alive from the guilt of acting out…but the sexy look on your girlfriend’s face quickly sweeps that notion from your mind. I mean how could you feel guilty when your pussy is throbbing from the way her nails angrily dig into your skin…you should right? You should feel guilty about how much it turns you on to see her jealous and hot headed with anger, but it doesn’t. It only makes you smile up at her as your hands go behind you to find her best friend, and pull her back against your body.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Her hands moves down to your waist as she tightens her grip there, knocking Leah’s away in the process.

“Well, i wasn’t just gonna sit on your lap all night because you didn’t wanna dance with me,” you make sure to roll your eyes as you say it— playing up on the brattiness to test her boundaries in front of company. It feels so much safer to do it with so many eyes on you. Because in your mind, what can she really do to you in a room full of hundreds of people? So it inflates your confidence, your ego, and your desire for her break to you back down into a pliable little sub. It’s like you have a sugar rush from all the praise and sweetness she’s always shown you, but you’re finally coming down from the high…and boy are you crashing HARD. You’re craving to see the rougher side of your sickly sweet girlfriend has been growing steadily for weeks now. At least, ever since she let it slip that she’s a brat tamer during a drunk truth or dare last month.

-

You had called her out with a big hearty laugh, “Oh Kei, come on! You’re like the total opposite of that. You’ve never even raised your voice at me, let alone spank me back into my place!”

“Yeah, because you already know that it’s underneath me. Brats are like wild animals, and you’re more like a house cat, babe. No need to tame a kitten when you’re used to dealing with lions.”

It was like a light went off in your head after that— a deep seated need to broken then put back together by her.

-

Your feet must’ve went into auto pilot, because your brain is just now playing catch up. You hadn’t even realized you’re being dragged through the crowd. At least, not until you hear a chorus of teasing shouts from the mix of your former and current teammates behind you. The door to the bathroom flies open just as Mariona makes sure to yell out for you both to “Usa protección, chicas!”

Keira doesn’t even check to see if all the stalls are empty. She just pushes you into the first one she sees. You go to speak, but you’re cut off by her hand coming up and locking around your throat. “Spread your fucking legs, y/n.”

Your eyes widen at her statement, hesitation clear as you make no move to follow her demands. “B-but we’re in pub—“ you’re cut off by a growl coming out of the older girl in front of you, “And I don’t give a damn, y/n. If you wanna act like a slut, then i’ll treat you like one…” She pushes you up against the stall door, her chest vibrating against yours as she lightly laughs.

“And sluts don’t get fucked on nice comfy beds, do they?” Her eyes flicker up to yours before she leans down to press a couple kisses up your neck. A few more condescending giggles come out of her too, slightly tickling your skin in her wake. When she pulls away it’s like you can see the switch flip behind her eyes, because suddenly her voice is back to being as stern as the look on her face. “They get finger fucked in dirty bathroom stalls with their panties hanging around their ankles.”

[tthoroughfare]

crush // abby anderson

*･゜ﾟ･* summary: abby is like can u read my mind? i've been watching u! couldn't fight to save ur life, but you look so cool!!! just me rambling about making abby realize she's not straight

*･゜ﾟ･* pairing: canon!abby x reader

*･゜ﾟ･* content: sfw! you two dancing around each other for now. abby being nervous and cute.

*･゜ﾟ･* length: 1.3k

this is part one and i've already written the majority of the rest. just thought this was a good way to break it up :)

recently i am thinking A Lot about the concept of being the girl that makes abby realize she’s not straight ,,, and the first girl she’s ever with

the idea of her being all fumbly and nervous and you having to take the lead. it’s just good

i also love the idea of being very different to her. you’re not a soldier like her, maybe you do something technical and sciencey. you get moved to the base and become friends, and people are just like… kinda surprised that you’re so close, so fast? on paper, you don’t seem to have that much in common but it just works. she likes that you’re different to her, it’s refreshing

you’d already heard a lot about her before you moved. you told her that not long into being friends with her, to which she’d scoffed a little, toying with her fingers. you were in the canteen, the two of you sitting opposite each other on the end of the table, leaving a gap between the rest of the group.

“good or bad?”

“good,” you’d chuckled, taking a bite of your lunch.

she paused, flitting her gaze away as you held eye contact, chewing slowly. “gonna elaborate?”

the corners of your mouth quirked as you swallowed. “just that you’re… pretty impressive. good at what you do. slightly intimidating.”

she scoffed again, eyebrows twitching. “i’m not… do you think i’m… you think that?”

“…impressive or intimidating?”

“either.”

you’d looked downwards, pausing before meeting her eyes with a teasing smile on your face. “you’re very tall.”

she didn’t tell you this at the time, but she’d heard things about you, too. she hadn’t paid it much mind at the time, but there had been a couple of mentions of a scientist girl moving in to help out with a new assignment full time, and that she was, ‘like, a genius’

also, manny had said something to her along the lines of ‘apparently she’s hot’, while raising his eyebrows with a cheeky smirk

she’d just rolled her eyes

but then she meets you for the first time, and okay. he wasn’t wrong

it’s only a chaste introduction as you cross paths one day, but she has to make a real effort to keep her cool. she doesn’t understand it, she’s just affected by you, just has to know you

and then she does know you, and she still wants to know you more. it’s this feeling, this drive, always wanting more more more

it sends her crazy. the fact it takes her so long to realize she has a crush on you makes her look back and laugh at her own naivety

she finds out you’re gay maybe a month into being friends with you, when you’re hanging out with her at the library. she never gave much thought to the fact you seemed to follow her around, spend nearly all your spare time with her. she figured it was just because you didn’t know anyone else that well yet.

she’s quietly reading on one side of the couch, while you try your best to get some work done on the other, papers strewn over the coffee table in front. it’s difficult to concentrate, though, even though you’re fully aware how inundated you are. one of her legs is slung up on the couch, bent at the knee, and you’re so conscious of the proximity.

after a good while of trying and failing to get anywhere, you look up at her and lean in a little. “hey, abby?”

she looks up from her book, acknowledging you.

“i’m bored.”

she chuckles as she sits up, closing the pages around her middle finger to keep her place. “c’mon, we need you to… save the world.”

you let out a small, fond scoff, putting your notebook and pen down on the coffee table. “that’s really… not what i do. appreciate the delusion of grandeur you’ve just given me, though.”

she watches you with a smile, not meeting your eyes as you sit back on the couch, shuffling around to face her. “so…” you begin.

“so…?” she parrots, raising her eyebrows slightly.

“what went on between you and owen?”

she’s a little shocked at your bluntness, laughing nervously and shifting in her seat. as far as she was aware, you didn’t even know anything about that. “what?”

you pull a face. “come on, i’m not stupid. i notice things.”

in truth, you’re using the question as a trojan horse to figure out if she likes women. you are genuinely curious, though, and right now the conversation sounds a hell of a lot better than doing what you’re actually supposed to be.

she pauses, eyes flitting around the room. “uh… we were together for a while. and now we’re not.”

you nod slowly, waiting for an elaboration that never comes. “that’s it?”

abby shrugs awkwardly, and you feel a little bad for pushing, holding your hands up. “sorry, sorry. i don’t mean to pry.”

“s’okay.” she messes with the novel, eyes trained on it as she runs the pad of her index over the closed pages. “what about you? you got a boyfriend?”

“i, uh… i was with someone. it didn’t work out.”

she hums in sympathy. “he a scientist, too?”

“she’s a medic.”

abby freezes, looking up at you, mouth falling open slightly. she feels stupid for assuming. “oh, shit, sorry. i didn’t realize you were — sorry. not that there’s anything wrong with that.” she mentally kicks herself for the last statement. of course there isn’t. she doesn’t even know why she said it.

you laugh, amused by her babbling and the way the tops of her cheeks turn pink. “you’re good, you’re good.”

she lets out a final, ‘sorry’, gaze darting from you, to her book, to the shelf on your right. then, she looks back at you, feeling the need to break the slightly uncomfortable silence that had fallen. “anyway… her loss.”

you chuckle. “owen’s loss. who needs ‘em?”

“who needs ‘em?” she repeats, breathing out a laugh.

after the revelation, something shifts for abby. she doesn’t know why, but finding out that you like women makes her feel… different (?) about you

not in a bad way. just different

she’d always looked at you and thought you were beautiful. possibly more beautiful than any girl she’d ever seen

and she knew she was nervous around you; she was normally pretty outgoing and didn’t really have an issue talking to anyone. but when it came to you she’d overthink every sentence, words getting caught in her throat. she just felt such a need to impress you, wanted to say and do everything right

she just thought that she really, really wanted to be friends with you. that she thought you were cool, and admirable, and funny, and smart, and liked being around you

but finding out that you’re gay just makes her… think. on a whole other level she’d never really looked into

knowing that you could, maybe, maybe, be a viable option sends her mind reeling with a whole host of confusing thoughts more than she’d like to admit

she’d never really put much thought into her sexuality. she’d always just assumed she was straight. sure, she’d looked at women before, gotten a little flustered around pretty girls, but just guessed everyone did

but when it was you… like. you… it was a whole other ballgame

and then, over a few months, she starts thinking about silly things like how it would feel to touch you — really touch you, not just the friendly brushes you already shared. how soft you’d feel, how it would be to have her fingers threaded through your hair

then she starts thinking about if she’d maybe want to kiss you

she decides she’s not against the idea

[stardew-bajablast]

The article you linked about Womad said they have not been an active group since 2018. And my understanding of the 4B movement is that it is similar to the BLM movement in that there is no official structure or leaders or organization. So I don’t really see how an article about this group of korean radfems who may have associated themselves with the 4B movement says anything about the broader movement as a whole, other than that some people in the 4B movement are radfems, which like, yeah? Some people involved in pro-choice organizations are also terfs, that doesn’t delegitimize the entire premise of being pro-choice. Even is Womad had started the movement it has clearly evolved to something beyond an organization that hasn’t even been active in 6 years.

As for whether or not 4B is actually tenable as a strategy or an effective “strike”, I actually don’t disagree with you at all and I do think they should have a more concrete, measurably attainable goal. You are absolutely correct on this. Like I said, I’m engaged (and also not a woman) so I’m obviously not participating in the 4B movement myself and I’m not here to argue that it’s effective as a political tactic. But I also don’t think it’s harmful and I reject the idea that women going on a sex/marriage strike is inherently transphobic.

I also don’t see how it’s female separatism? Women can interact with men outside of dating/marriage/sex/childbirth? Not having sex with or dating men doesn’t mean you never speak to or interact with a man ever? I’m not trying to be a dick, I’ve been following you for a while and usually agree with your takes, but there are at best loose parallels between 4B and female separatism and flatly calling 4B a female separatist movement just feels like you’re arguing in bad faith. The women participating in this still have dads, brothers, male coworkers, male friends — they are seeing and interacting with men on a daily basis. Everything I have seen or read about 4B has said nothing about female separatism, just the sex/marriage strike. And again, women can have relationships with men without marrying or having sex with them.

god i do Get It intellectually. but seeing people be like "yeah 4B sounded good until I realized it was transphobic" like. it actually never sounded good to me at all. it's not Special Untouchable Profound Magic Asian Feminism it's just female separatism which has already existed for decades.

[perfectlyvalid49]

Sorry for grossing you out but uh, I have a complex claim to a lot of religions and cultures because of how colonialism (arguably Israel is a settler colony state so uh… hmmm) has impacted me.

As you’ve ascertained (correctly) I’m a non-Jewish American, only by technicality, because I haven’t found a rabbi that will even support the fact that I’m gay and the “three asks” thing feels like a troll move which feels… homophobic???

I need you to seriously consider how my life has been negatively influenced (hence the circumcision poll) by a bastardized JEWISH practice, and what the fuck that means for my identity as it feels like fate to some degree and a bit offensive that you would yuck my ability to find yum in Yhwh or w/e because I’m… too much of a faggoy? Idk man… just asking questions. I’d love to clarify your response in a dm since its… a lot. Not meaning to offend just sick of being put in a box because my circumcision and mother aren’t “right” enough to be in the in club because Hekate or Satan or whatever swooped in and said “NOPE” 🙃

Cheers

Trying to understand Israel through the lens of settler colonialism is a failing proposition. Consider the following:

Jews are indigenous to Israel. We have a historical record that says they’re from there in both the Greek and Roman written record. Like there is as much if not more evidence of Jews in Israel in Roman writing as there is of Julius Caesar being a real person. We also have archaeological evidence. Israel is covered with digs that find evidence of Jewish life dating back 2,000-3,000 years. We also have genetic evidence. DNA studies have shown that even super white looking Ashkenazi Jews have significant portions of DNA that are most closely related to other groups from the southern Levant.

So to call Jews settlers either denies all that evidence, insists that indigenous people can be settlers on their own land, or posits that indigenous people can somehow lose their status as indigenous if you wait long enough. The first is anti-intellectual and antisemitic, the second is ridiculous and the third is a dangerous line of thinking for all indigenous people. How long before Native Americans no longer have a claim to their land? How long before Maori no longer have a claim? It’s not really a place we want to go.

As for colonial, the definition of a colony is “a country or area under the full or partial political control of another country, typically a distant one, and occupied by settlers from that country.” So which country controls Israel? I think we’ve seen over the last year that it’s not the US given the way Bibi has repeatedly blown off Biden, so who is it? Which country is sending settlers to control the area? Again, it’s not the US. While some American Jews make Aliyah every year, the vast majority of Jews in Israel are either from Europe or the Middle East. To be a colony, you have to be a colony of some other power. What is the other power here?

So we can see that Jews are neither settlers nor colonizers. But you know who did colonize the area? Arabs. Arabs are indigenous to the Arabian peninsula, not Israel. And in the 7th century, Arabs came from the Arabian peninsula into Israel (and other places), conquered the locals and did their best to eradicate their cultures, forced conversions to the conquering religion, and settled in the new lands while being under the political control of the far away Caliphate. Sounds like settler colonialism to me. So if we must understand someone in the area as colonial (and I still don’t think it’s the best way to look at things, but if you do) then it’s the people that Palestinians are descended from.

Having said all that, just because colonialism has impacted you, it doesn’t mean you have a complex claim to Judaism. Here are ways you can have a complex claim to Judaism: 1) your father is Jewish and your mother is not, 2) you have Jewish ancestors who were forced to convert and you are now trying to reconnect with the religion that was taken from them. I don’t know your history, so it’s possible that one of those is true. But if you have no Jewish ancestry, then your claim is not complex, it’s non-existent, and if you do have Jewish ancestry but your ancestors willingly left the tribe, then you don’t really have much of a claim either. That doesn’t mean you can’t convert, but given that you seem to think you have claims on other aspects of Judaism as a non-Jew, my gut reaction is to be very doubtful toward your claim on Judaism in general.

If you can’t find a rabbi to support your conversion because you’re gay, you’re looking in the wrong places. The senior rabbi at my synagogue is gay, and we have several queer families as part of the congregation. There are literal signs on the door to the main office that say Trans and Queer Jews welcome here. This doesn’t mean that all congregations are welcoming, but lots are.

The three asks thing is a metaphor that some rabbis take literally. Converting to Judaism is a big decision. The three asks are to make sure that you’ve really thought about it and are really sure – that you’re taking it seriously and thought through all the consequences. If that feels like trolling to you, then maybe Judaism isn’t a good fit. Honestly, from my interactions with you this week, I would bet that the rabbis you’ve met with haven’t said no because you’re gay, they’ve said no because you don’t seem super interested in taking on Jewishness, you just want to take from it instead.

I don’t know what happened with your circumcision. If it went wrong and it was done by a mohel then you can feel angry toward the Jewish people I guess, but I would want to know why your parents had a bris for you if they weren’t planning on raising you Jewish. If you were just circumcised as a medical procedure, as many American babies are, then you may have trauma related to it, but you don’t need to be taking it out on the Jewish people, which is exactly what that poll was doing.

Don’t write down those four letters. Don’t try to pronounce them either. We have asked, repeatedly that people not do that, and once again, the fact that you are is super disrespectful to Jewish people. Write G-d, or God if you must, or even Hashem (I don't think goyim should, but it's better than what you did), but not those four letters. It’s not yucking your yum. You are allowed to enjoy what you want. But what you are doing here is the equivalent of coming into my house and saying that because my dinner looks delicious you can just reach onto my plate with your bare hand, scoop up some of what I’m eating, take a bite and throw the rest back. It’s disrespectful and offensive. I am not objecting to your joy, I’m objecting to your lack of respect to my culture.

Being Jewish is about more than just being circumcised and having the “right” mother. There is a culture here that you need to understand. If you are raised in it, then you get to join the club that way. If you’re not, then you can put in the work to learn it and learn to be respectful of it and join the club that way. So far, you haven’t been able to find a rabbi that thinks you’re willing to do that work, and from what I’ve seen, I’m willing to agree.

[twirlyleafs]

“Priorities”

Carlos Sainz x Reader

Tw: nothing I think, some angst.

~~~~

It was late afternoon by the time Carlos had wrapped up his meetings, finally parking the car outside your shared apartment. Despite his tiredness he couldn’t help the small smile on his face, excited to finally come home and looking forward to unwind together with you. His mind was filled with thoughts of food, maybe you should cook together? Or order in from that little Italian place you loved so much? He thought of what to watch on tv, knowing at the same time that it didn’t matter much to him. Hed probably fall asleep with his head in your lap within a few minutes of you sinking down in the couch together. As he unlocked the door he call out a soft hello, expecting you to pop out from somewhere like you usually did and come greet him with a kiss. When you didn’t, the silence of the apartment made him almost uneasy. Carlos called out for you again, frowning when he didn’t get an answer. Confused he pulled his phone from his pocket, thinking he might’ve missed a message from you, but the only one was your short conversation from this morning. He hadn’t heard anything since he told you he was in a meeting and when he thought about it that was kind of wierd. Normally he’d come out of a meeting to at least one text from you, and probably a cute picture of something you’d seen or something you’d cooked. You liked to keep him updated and he loved getting updates. He frowned, pressing the button to call you. The frown only deepened when he was forced to listen to the singlas until it eventually went to voicemail. Maybe you were at the gym? Or in the store, or out with friends? You usually picked up when he called though. Sighing Carlos moved further into the apartment, sinking down in the couch with a deep breath. Lazily scrolling through his phone it took him a few minutes until his eyes stopped on a story posted by one of your friends. The scene was cozy, candle-lit table and a tightly squeezed group of people posing for the picture. Right in the center he saw you, eyes crinkling with laughter as you carefully cut up the cake placed infront of you. His heart skipped a beat and as his eyes moved to read the caption it sank all the way down into his stomach.

Happy birthday to the sweetest, kindest and most beautiful soul. Love you!

Your birthday. It’s your birthday today and he’d completely forgotten it. You’d reminded him, several times the past few weeks, and every time he’d promise that he would make it the best day ever. That you and him would spend it together, all day with full focus on you and not a single thought on anything else. He’d promised himself to leave work behind, even just for one day, to really be able to make it special for you and now here he stood imagining your face when you realized he hadn’t kept any of it. Carlos fingers flew over his screen, quickly trying to call you again. When you didn’t answer, he hadn’t expected you to, he typed out a message.

C: Carino I’m so sorry

C: Im sorry, please call me? Or let me come see you?

C: I can pick you up after your dinner and we can do something? Anything you like

C: I love you, I’m sorry

You didn’t respond at first and Carlos began pacing the apartment, the stress and guilt eating him up from inside. He was just about to call one of your friends when your message finally came.

Y: Im out with friends Carlos, it’s fine.

Y: Love you too

He stared at it, a lump in his throat. He hated that you said it was fine, he knows it’s not. He knows what he has done is not fine and he knows you are not feeling fine either. He can see you, surrounded by your friends but also being reminded that he completely fucked you over today. The words its fine didn’t feel right, he could practically feel the disappointment laced beneath them.

C: Please amor, let me make it up to you.

No reply. Carlos kept his phone by his side the whole evening, waiting and constantly checking the screen hoping to find you giving him another chance but the silence dragged on. As the hours ticked by he realized you weren’t letting him off the hook that easily, not that he thought you should, but the panic inside him grew. Today should’ve been about you, about showing you he was capable of putting work aside, proving that despite everything always being about racing you were his priority. He hated that you gave him so much of your time and energy and he just- forgot. When he finally heard the sound of a key in the door he scrambled to his feet and moved out into the hallway, just in time to see you step inside. Your eyes met for the briefest moment before you turned away, expression calm but guarded.

”Hey.” He started, voice soft and overflowing with regret. You offered a quiet greeting, still not meeting his gaze, and he continued. ”Im so so sorry. I forgot, and I know that such a dickmove and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I have no excuse, I just-”

”It’s fine Carlos.” You nodded, hanging up your coat with slow and steady movements. Your tone of voice betrayed you and Carlos could heard the hurt you tried to hide. ”I know you’re busy. Its fine. I didn’t want to bother you.” The words slipping from your lips had his chest tightening.

”You’re never a bother baby.” His words came out almost as whispers, eyes pleading. ”I- I know I messed up, I should’ve been here. I promise I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He didn’t miss the way something flashed in your eyes, something hard and cold before your face softened. The sadness in your gaze when you watched him had him want to clutch his chest.

”You don’t have to promise anything Carlos.” The way you spoke was almost resigned. ”It’s fine. I just wish I didn’t feel like I’m something you have to work to fit into your schedule instead of something you actually want there.” The words stung, more than he had expected. Carlos wanted to reach for you, pull you close and tell you how important you were to him. That he’d give up everything else if you asked him to. But he didn’t, instead he just stood there looking into your eyes and realizing you didn’t want to talk to him right now. Carlos stayed still, watching you delicately make your way past him and he felt the weight of the promise that might’ve come a little too late this time.

That night, when Carlos eventually joined you in bed, he could feel the invisible wall between you. He caught himself glancing over, hoping you’d turn to him or shuffle closer like you’d usually do. He wanted nothing more than to have you curled up against his chest, but something in the air stopped him from reaching out. Instead he stared up at the ceiling, your earlier words replaying in his head. You felt like he didn’t want you, like you didn’t matter enough to him to make time for you in his schedule.

The days that followed didn’t seem to get any better. Carlos didn’t know how to approach the subject, didn’t know what to say, and you moved through the apartment like a ghost. You were always polite, always kind, but distant. When he asked if you wanted to join him for coffee or go for a run och a bike ride you’d shake your head while offering a soft smile, telling him you didn’t have time right now. When he tried to bring up the upcoming weekend, a weekend he knew was free for both you and him, and suggested that you’d plan a trip together you once again offered a sweet smile and told him you’d be up for whatever worked best for him. You stopped asking him for things, he noticed, and you never reached out first. When you kissed it was him who leaned in, when you ate together it was his suggestion. You didn’t remind him of plans, didn’t suggest movie nights, didn’t send him those funny little updates on your day when you were apart and he missed it. All of it. You didn’t even utter a word of complain when he was busy, you just let him go and never asked for even a moment of his time. Every time he noticed you step back something inside him twisted.

One evening, after Carlos had spent the day at the training center, he came home to find you sitting on the couch reading. You looked up at him when he entered, offered him a faint smile and a small hello, before turning back to your book. Usually, before all this, you’d be quick to ask him about his day, pull him down to cuddle with you and gently scratch the stress away from his scalp. But now it was as if you almost went out of your way not to talk to him. Carlos couldn’t stand it. It had only been a few days but the tension, the quiet ache of your absence was driving him mad. Taking a deep breath Carlos shuffled over, taking a seat on the coffee table infront of you. You shifted, glancing up at him, but didn’t speak.

”Can we talk?” His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. You hesitated, you hated that you did, before nodding slowly.

”Of course. What’s on your mind?” The way you answered, so calm and almost indifferent, made him have to swallow the lump in his throat. He took a deep breath, choosing his words carefully.

”It’s not about what’s on my mind, it’s about yours. I, well I can feel you pulling away and I get that it’s my fault, you know? I know it’s because of what happened but I- I don’t know how to fix it. ”

”Carlos,” you murmured, eyes trailing down to your fidgeting fingers. ”It’s fine. I told you, I don’t want to bother you. I know you’re busy, I know you don’t need more stress in your life.” The words hit him like a punch. A bother. He could tell you genuinely believed that, that you saw yourself like someone, something, that bothered him. After everything you’ve been through he’d somehow made you feel like an inconvenience in his life.

”Don’t say that.” His voice was strained as he leaned forward, elbows on knees. ”You’re not a bother. Never. I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I know forgetting your birthday was the dickmove of the century, I really fucked up-”

”It’s not about you forgetting my birthday Carlos.” You shook your head softly, interrupting him. ”Or, well it is but not just that. It’s that sometimes, more recently, it feels like there’s no room for me in your life. Like you’re not willing to make room. I’m here all the time and you come find me when it’s convenient.” Carlos flinched, words cutting through his heart like sharp blades. You were right, he knew you were, but he hadn’t been willing to admit it earlier. He barely was now. You’d always been so kind, so understanding and supportive of his career and his demanding schedule and your support meant the world to him. He hated that he hadn’t showed you that. He hated himself for taking it for granted.

”I know I haven’t been good at- well at balancing things.” As he spoke his voice was thick with regret. ”And I know it’s been a lot recently, but carinõ I never meant to make you feel like, like you’re on the outside. I see you as a part of my life, like the biggest part. You’re what’s important.” Your gaze stayed trained on your hands, expression softening but still guarded.

”That’s nice to hear.” Murmured words had him carefully reach out to wedge his hand between yours and for the first time in days you didn’t pull away. ”I get that you have a lot on your plate and I want to support you I just, I don’t know if I can keep pretending it doesn’t hurt.”

”You shouldn’t. Pretend, I mean.” Silence settled slowly as Carlos tried to gather his thoughts. He held your hand tightly, thumb swiping gently across your knuckles. He knew what he wanted to say, he wanted to throw promises at her and beg her to give him another chance, but he also knew that wouldn’t cut it. Carlos understood that whatever he said now wouldn’t matter until he actually showed you, showed up for you, and he silently promised himself he would. As a single drop hit the back of his hand his eyes quickly trailed back to your face, feeling his chest clench as he watched yet another tear slowly slip down your cheek. With a deep breath he squeezed your hand, leaning closer. ”Can I please hold you?” The question felt weird on his tongue, he’d never asked for permission to touch you before, but it seemed necessary in the situation. When you offered a small nod, sniffing quietly, Carlos didn’t hesitate. In a swift maneuver he was seated next to you in the couch, arms wrapped around your frame as you fell against him. He released a shaky breath when he felt your arms snake around his torso and he pulled you somehow even closer, nose pressed against the top of your head.

”I missed you.” Your voice was barely audible but Carlos could feel the words seep into his skin.

”I missed you too.” He spoke against your hair. ”And I know I will have to show you for you to believe me, but I really am sorry. You deserve a lot more than I’ve given you lately and I promise I’ll be better. I’ll make time, real time, for us. You’re the most important person in my life, you’re my person, and I’m not losing you.” Carlos eyes fluttered open as you slowly pulled away, looking up at him with a mixture of sadness and hope.

”I really hope you mean it.”

”I do.” You held his gaze in silence for what felt like forever until you finally nodded.

”Okay.”

~~

The days went on after that and soon enough days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Carlos had really realized what he had been doing to you, how his neglect had chipped away at the foundation of what you had built together, and he’d been working on it. Really working on it. At first it was awkward, you both thought so. Carlos wasn’t used to scheduling his time around someone else, not in the way you needed or in the way he wanted to offer. He had to force himself to slow down, to prioritize moments with you. He learned to say no, to meeting, to interviews, to unnecessary events because he had realized what it cost him to always say yes. The reward for saying no though, was what really brought him happiness. Every time he chose you, every time he prioritized you over the demands that came with his career, he saw something in your eyes. Relief, hope, love. It hadn’t been easy though, not all of it. There were moments when he still caught you hesitating before asking for something, moment when he knew you were keeping yourself in check not to be a bother, and every time it broke his heart a little bit. One time you carefully suggested that the two of you could take a small trip, since both of you were off work for a few days, and he could tell you were bracing yourself for disappointment even as you asked the question. He knew you still kept a lot of your feelings to yourself, brushing off things that upset you, and that’s what hurt him the most. Knowing you were still healing from what he’d put you through. There were good moments too, the majority actually, that made both of you feel like you were moving in the right direction. Like when he surprised you with a packed picnic basket one morning when you thought he would be at work. Or that time he saw you smile, really smile, when you heard him turn down a late-night meeting just to stay in and watch your favorite show together. It was a slow process, earning back your trust, but he was determined to make it.

One evening you sat on the balcony together, the glow of the city and the sinking sun blending together in front of you. Carlos had you tucked closely to his side, fingers twisting a strand of your hair absentmindedly as both of you just seemed to enjoy your time together.

”You’re quiet tonight.” Your soft murmur had him gazing down at you, smiling softly when he saw your face already turned up. Carlos moved his free hand to brush a strand of hair from your cheek.

”I’m just thinking.”

”About what?” Carlos hesitated, unsure how to express what he was feeling. When you reached up to grab his hand, tilting your head in that way he always found so endearing, he spoke up again.

”About how lucky I am. That you’re still here, with me, you know? That you didn’t give up.”

Your expression softened if possible even more, fingers intertwining with his. ”I never wanted to give up Carlos, I never wanted us to end.” You assured him, brows softly knitting together. ”I just needed to know if you actually wanted me here.” Carlos chest tightened, reminders of those painful days when he didn’t know if he’d be able to fix what he caused flashing through his mind.

”I do. I did and I do. I’ll always want you, need you.” He paused to lean down and press his lips against your forehead for a moment, taking a deep breath in through his nose as he gathered his composure. “I’ll never stop trying to show you how much you belong in my life, how important you are to me. Because you are.” Carlos tensed for a second as you pulled away, holding his breath as you looked at him. When you finally moved again you slowly leaned up to kiss him, lips soft and warm against his, and Carlos felt himself relax again. As you pulled back he saw a glimmer of something in your eyes, something lighter, as if the weight you’d been carrying was slowly starting to lift.

”Thank you.” Once again your words came out soft, softer than he felt he deserved.

”For what?”

”For fighting for us. For wanting to make this work. You could’ve just given up and focused all your time on all your other stuff, but you’ve really tried.” Your words had him melt, the arm he had around your shoulders tightening slightly. ”I do really appreciate these past months Carlos, and I know it hasn’t been easy but it’s been good. Great. You’ve been great.”

”It hasn’t been easy.” He agreed slowly. ”But it has been worth it. Every time.” Carlos leaned in to press another gently kiss against your lips before continuing. ”I’ll always fight for us. For you.” He didn’t say anything else. Neither did you. You didn’t have to. You just sat there, tangled together in the quiet and felt the wave of security and gratitude wash over you. Things were going to be okay, both of you knew it. Maybe even better than okay.

[theresascove]

oh. oh… vi’s crashing out scene shows how she’s the kind of person to be like, “eh, I don’t care,” but as time goes by they REALLY fucking do

—> so here’s a FULL break down of that 6-9 month time skip scene

• how shaky, flashy, and quick the camera moves and continues to get. It’s similar to how you get when you’re drunk. It starts out clean and then gets snappier as the scene continues

• her relationship with Loris going to shit. It started out with celebrations (you can see them cheering together, arms around each others backs) to him pulling a drink away from Vi, to him sitting further away with his back turns towards her. Then we get another scene of Vi going to cheers w him and he’s not there, she sets the cup down and then proceeds to fall on the bar counter and the drink falls to the floor

• Vi goes from laying fully on the bed on her back to (a few frames later showing a time skip) Vi barely even making it to her bed

• the alcohol bottles piling up & her throwing up from the amount (or possibly from screaming into the sink full of water)

• she also keeps screaming a ton—during fighting, in her apartment (by punching bag and in the sink). the only other times I’ve heard Vi make such a sound is when she’s fighting other people as seen in s1 and s2, so her just screaming in her bedroom is showing INTENSE feelings

• the prision wall day counting on the walls (I didn’t really count, but I estimate there’s about 100+ days seeing as I picked out each grouping and timed it by 5). they seem to show up more as they switch between different frames of Vi in her room. Also be aware this is as much as I COULD count, there’s definitely more just out of frame. The writers confirmed this time skip is about 6-9 months

• smearing the black paint on her face w intent at first but as time goes by she gets messier, full hands on her face and eyes almost rolling up

• she’s literally sobbing against her punching bag (they don’t show her crying anytime else but I’m SURE she did it a lot more… but look at the tears on her face and the pain in her expression-IT KILLS ME).

• ^^towards the end (last photo of her smearing the paint (just before that she had broken the mirror). seemingly getting fed up and reaching a breaking point

• she goes from clean fists, to bloody fingers as the time skip goes on

• how beat up she gets as the time slip continues as she loses focus and begins to fall apart

• Vi going from pit fighting, to the bar, to her room to sleep/get ready/punch the punching bag

• then she “sobers” back up as best as possible, puts the paint on again, just to go there with a heavy heart and get beaten quickly

• Vi hallucinating Caitlyn in many ways. When we see the flag and in the bar scene and one last time when Vi thinks back to when they had that moment in Caitlyn’s room in s1

• Vi hallucinating the girl she “fell in love w” and not who had hurt her/how she had become since Caitlyn’s mother died

• the way she would look up at the Kiramman flags and think of Caitlyn each time she went up the stairs to her room. pictures show her doing it a first time, and then later down the line after a few months—she’s still looking up

• (eventually snatching one at some point and using it as a blanket as shown by the show)

• practically drowning herself in the sink full of water and screaming (maybe to try and silence her thoughts…? Water is quiet)

screenshooting Vi’s crashing out phase is so much more depressing when you take it frame by frame and remove the rock music and upbeat animation

[drdemonprince]

do you have any advice on navigating a friendship with a former abuser? they are pretty open about their past when asked although not incredibly initially forthcoming about it, which I think is understandable if maybe not the most,, idk,, straightforward I guess. But I do truly believe they’ve mended their ways and try really hard to do right by themselves and other people, but they’ve garnered a lot of vitriol from their former community (and with reason!!) but that community tries to, rightfully, make sure everyone knows about this person’s past, and I have a lot of guilt around being friends with them even though I do believe that they’re different now, I wouldn’t be friends with them if I didn’t believe that. Anyways, I guess im curious if you have any advice or experience with how to navigate any kind of relationship with someone who has done a lot of prior harm, while also trying to honor and respect the people who they have harmed?

I think that people in that situation are in really desperate need of community, most of the time. It is very difficult to work on yourself when pressure to excise you from every social group follows you everywhere you go, and the stories of what you've done have morphed into an entity that exists entirely outside of you, your victims, or anyone who was actually privy to the abuse that you committed.

It's very reasonable for people affected by the abuse & their allies to want nothing to do with such a person, of course. But there sometimes becomes a broader community norm of penalizing anyone who associates with the abusive person in any way whatsoever, and when you're already struggling with entitlement, boundary issues, loneliness, impulsivity, and self-hatred, as so many abusers do, it's hard not to spiral out further from being rendered that radioactive.

I think by being friends with this person you're doing something important. It is far easier for people to grow when they have social incentives to do so and emotional support. In the care of other people, we see our worth reflected. We learn more about who we are and who we *can* be through the interplay of ours' and others' various selves.

I think the best thing that you can do is to offer a space to this person in your life, if you continue wanting to, and building small spaces for them to find connection with people who are okay with that and feel comfortable doing so. Bring the person along with you into new spaces where they can help people and receive help in turn, without constantly being defined by their most horrible actions. Bring this person along with you to somewhere they've never been, with people who have no issue with them -- do a shift together at the local mutual kitchen or community garden, for instance, or a book club, or include them in a cultural practice that you participate in, and share that with them. Do jail support together, or mail books to prisoners. Take both of you outside of your everyday social context and allow them to exist in a new way, in new relations to others -- including people who, like them, have experienced social ostracism and struggle.

While you're doing that, observe them and see how they're doing. Talk with them afterward about how they feel, and anything they're finding difficult. I will trust your judgement here that the person seems fundamentally changed. Just being there and involved in activities alongside them will help you be on the lookout for any red flags, and I do think there is a degree of responsibility on your part to ensure you're not putting anyone else in danger by being around them, but you can do this in a light, nonjudgmental way, and let them grow into that trust that you're offering.

I have witnessed firsthand how healing it is for people like your friend to slowly realize that suddenly there are people that like them, now, and open up to them, when everybody shied away from them or hated them before. I do think that if someone is committed to no longer being abusive or boundary violating around others, they eventually do need to feel that they are accepted by some community, and seen as on par with anybody else. They can't be treated as lesser or more suspect for their entire lives in every social context. The communities they've already harmed shouldn't have to provide them with that acceptance and room to grow. But I think somebody should.

As always, keep an eye on your own feelings and make sure that this isn't too exhausting for you. By keeping the formerly abusive person separate from the groups they've harmed, you should be able to minimize the blowback you get for spending time with them. Not all of our friends need to be friends with one another, and not every social group in our lives has to make contact. It's okay to include your friend in a running group with a few other people you met volunteering but then keep their name off the guest list for your birthday party because associates of their victims will be there. If your friend is truly contrite over their actions, they will understand and respect that some people will never want to be around them -- and most reasonable community members should understand that who you associate with independently of them is not their business.

There may be some people who take a really hard line stance and expect everyone to ostracize the former abuser no matter what, and so you might be criticized or lose friendships with such people. But so long as you are helping to give the former abuser some social connection that is separate from anybody they've hurt, and you're not pressuring anyone to be around them or doing any apologism for them (which it sounds like you have no interest in doing), then you are not doing a thing wrong, and I think it's beautiful to give someone that space in your life. Navigating this stuff with grace, respect, and compassion is a skill that a lot more of us will eventually have to develop than we realize, I think. Life is long, and over the course of it, people change a great deal and do a great many things they regret. We need to be able to move through these things together somehow.

[prozacwhorehouse]

camera roll 📷 | mgg x snl cast member au

in which you do a variety ‘what’s in my camera roll?’ interview and reveal moments from your life

authors note: this lowk sucks but new subplot alert?? i love I used to be funny so i just had to. matthew mixed in with some background for our snl reader ✅

“Hi Variety, this is y/n y/l/n,” you smile and and give a wave to the camera, “and today I’m showing you what’s in my camera roll.”

“This is a picture of me at the premier for a movie I did in 2022, called I Used To Be Funny,” you turn your phone towards the camera, revealing a picture a friend took of you posing underneath the title outside a movie theater in Los Angeles.

“I had the pleasure of running into the very talented Ally Pankiw at an event in 2022, and when she said she’d seen my shows and asked me if I’d audition, I read the script and immediately felt drawn to it,” you speak with your hands, imitating an emulation from your body. “It was funny, it was devastating, it’s an incredible story that I’m so honored to have helped tell.”

“I always wanted to be an actress. So landing that role the same year I was cast on SNL, just a dream come true.” you smile warmly at the memory, moving on to your next picture.

You huff out a laugh looking at the next picture, “aww. I love this one, a lot,” you again turn your phone towards the camera, revealing a picture of Marcello, you, Michael, Molly, and Devon on set.

“This is me and my SNL 22 Crew, which is the name of our group chat,” you nod, “pretty sure this was right before our first show. we were so nervous but it was all okay because we had each other. We were all in the same boat, and that was comforting. Ugh,” you sigh, tilting your head up and smiling, “I just love them so much.”

“it was really hard to pick this next one because my camera roll is currently 60 percent him. All he says is ’wait take a picture’, so now I just have a whole collection of silly photos,” you roll your eyes in fake annoyance, trying to distract from the blush that has crept on your face while talking about him.

‘I’m not entirely sure where we were here, all I know is anything Halloween, Matthew wants a picture with. We had dressed up all crazy, I had on an insane fall sweater and like, striped witch tights. I do really love mismatching clothes, layering and looking insane, which I don’t really see a lot of guys doing?” you furrow your brows and squint your eyes in thought, releasing when admitting, “so I feel really seen by him. He isn’t afraid to be himself, so it makes me feel like I can be myself too. It’s amazing. He’s great. I’m very thankful for him.”

“Aww,” you jut your lip out, heart melting over the picture. “I was having a really rough week. I remember my sketch got cut, and I couldn’t think of how to make them better. I walked into my bathroom one morning and Matthew had stuck this on my mirror. I have so many pictures of these, but I picked this one because it was the first.”

You hum, “I could go on, but, I won’t,” you laugh, tilting your head back down to your phone, quickly exhaling to get back on track, “anyways!” Causing the crew to laugh behind the camera.

And the comments are all like

Loved her in I Used To Be Funny. So talented!

I hope she’s on SNL for a while, she’s one of the best additions in a while

The way she talks about Matthew is the cutest thing

Its so cute that y/n and Matthew are getting more public with their relationship, this is the first time she’s mentioned him by name

THE NOTE HE LEFT HER I NEED TO SEE THE OTHERS

—————————————————————————

tag list <3

@sarcasm-and-stiles @mystargirl-interlude @rubyirene @ashrrams @ghostatrixx @forevermorepassionate @saint-boudica @reidmarieprentiss @awakeforu @spencerlicious @kittycat-april @baudarling @delusional-4-fake-people @avenlymars @angelinajolie0213 @arusio @littleslayofhorrors @jezabelle9299 @jaemnationnn @princess-ofthe-pages @flow33didontsmoke

[ceilidho]

Me: I don't like fauxcest so I'll avoid the tag/ block any accounts.

Also me: I want a daddy Dom who's really big on being a prodiver, probably got daddy issues himself, is an older man and financially secure. Makes sure I'm fed, well dressed and happy. Maybe even makes me live with him so he can just freeuse me and have something to look after because he just really wants to-

Like. I know it ain't the same but everyday it feels like it's borderline treading into that territory and idk if I can face myself or have the strength to accept that about myself. Like I use to be a puritan prude in my youth so the fact I ended up with a daddy kink would make my teen self disgusted. But ya know, shit happens.

I probably won't ever pass over that territory as I do get icked out by the idea of referring to a sexual partner as 'dad' or anything like that. So it's clearly not for me but I need some people to look at themselves TRUELY look at the stuff they're into or want in a partner coz probably like me, they are one kink/good fic/wild fantasy away from the "gross icky kinks!!" They wanna ban so much

Ever since I became an adult and started exploring what I like, letting myself read fics I was like "I'm not gonna like this but I'm desperate for content" and then come out of a changed person - I do start caring less. Do I still have my own opinions and icks and such? Yeah but like, the best thing about the Internet is that you can just block tags, block people or images that don't agree with you. Keep to your bubble of people who agree with you and such, but like, if you're not atleast aware or open to the fact your views may be hypercritical or even abit weird or taboo yourself - that's just destined to fail.

I think a lot of people can't separate identity from interests either, or they feel incredibly locked in with their identity.

like, you're allowed to find things gross, block them, or enjoy reading certain topics but only to an extent (like you won't allow yourself to enjoy anything beyond your limit because you're scared about what you'll uncover about yourself). it's also fine to one day come back to those same things and reevaluate your original opinion.

I'm not sure how to describe this but I feel like a lot of people have this tendency to equate any Thing they enjoy with subsuming that thing into their personality/identity, and if you think that way, then obviously any potential interest seems like a Threat to the persona/identity you've been meticulously building your entire life. which is terrifying! i do understand that there's a large group of people that probably equate reading/enjoying any content that's remotely dark to a real life want.

I personally think the most generous thing you can do for yourself is say "okay, I enjoyed that. it doesn't have to mean anything." you can read the kinkiest erotica ever and then go on to enjoy a vanilla sex life (or no sex life! tons of asexual people enjoy erotica). it simply doesn't have to be a big deal.

and this is also not saying you have to enjoy or force yourself to enjoy content that disgusts you. the brain is just complex. if you're living life in a way that is compassionate and avoids causing harm to other people, but some of your interests/kinks tend to veer towards the dark/taboo, just give yourself the grace to realize that an interest is not this Big, Horrible thing that'll destroy you and turn you into something monstrous.

[somerunner]

Of course, as a practicing member of the church, and being someone who's easily swayed by propaganda, I view the history a little differently. But not all that differently (only just enough to voice that I view it differently), so I'm not going to make a post trying to write out my preferred version of events. That's a far lower priority than engaging with this post on what I agree with.

The thing is, sanding off our rough edges really is a tragedy. I think that sanitizing our history or steel-manning it is a tragedy. Even if it's something that most if not all religious organizations and countries do, if your reported (note: "reported," not "recorded," but records are reports after a fashion, so it really doesn't matter) histories lose the messy complexity of the past, they fail to adequately prepare you for the messy complexity of the present.

The church was and is composed of people, and people get panicky when their in-group comes into conflict with another in-group. The deeper the ideological divide (note: or the deeper divide in any category, but in this case it was primarily ideological), the worse the conflict. And no matter if your ideals are to be peaceful, you get a large enough group together and there will be agitators within it, and followers of those agitators.

I don't think of myself as a good person. I think that's why I stay in the church -- for both of the reasons you might expect from that last sentence (i.e. it makes me better the more I participate in it, and in addition I'm not principled enough to strike out on my own). I feel compelled to both defend and criticize the church in the same breath, because doing only one of those things feels wrong.

I don't know where I was going with this. I hope this didn't come across as a defense of the church any more than your post did, and I hope it didn't come across as too critical either. I think your story linked above (the "I was taught by one" part right before you bring up Fallout) is one of my favorite stories of a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's a little kooky and quite vindictive, but dedicated to being better and to trusting in God. That's probably the best I can hope to become, though I'd probably be trading vindictiveness for waffliness (i.e. the tendency towards waffling, or failing to decide).

There are plenty of published articles and talks within the church or by active members of the church that I feel have acknowledged this kind of messiness within it, but I feel like only acknowledging this from within the bubble makes me feel some kind of sheltered. I'd still be remiss to not mention them, though, hence this paragraph. Of course, some of them still feel a bit sanitized to me so they'd feel wildly sanitized to most Tumblr denizens, but I think a few might be something the average tumblrite could stomach. My favorite (and one stomach-able by the readers here, I think) is probably the opening sections of Letters to a Young Mormon by Adam S. Miller, that read rather similarly to your autobiographical posts. I still haven't finished the thing after several years, and it's only like 80 pages, and a miniature book at that.

Happy trails, Babylon. I mean, bloody and desperate trails, Babylon.

Would you mind sharing the psalm and why you felt that person was the most humanist Mormon? I'm not religious at all but I find these sort of things very interesting.

In exchange I could offer the reason for my url ?

I'm warning you, this is kind of a mega essay, and it's fucking unhinged. Click at your own risk.

(Alright. You clicked.)

Psalms 137

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept

when we remembered Zion.

There on the poplars

we hung our harps,

for there our captors asked us for songs,

our tormentors demanded songs of joy;

they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

How can we sing the songs of the Lord

while in a foreign land?

If I forget you, Jerusalem,

may my right hand forget its skill.

May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth

if I do not remember you,

if I do not consider Jerusalem

my highest joy.

Remember, Lord, what the Edomites did

on the day Jerusalem fell.

“Tear it down,” they cried,

“tear it down to its foundations!”

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,

happy is the one who repays you

according to what you have done to us.

Happy is the one who seizes your infants

and dashes them against the rocks.

———

Mormonism has layers. Different cores of believers, cultures within itself. The largest group of Mormons also dominate its image within the larger culture. You know them as the nerdy, cheerful, bubbly dorks on South Park, or the hopelessly naive childlike weirdos from the Book of Mormon musical. Strangely sanitized, "wholesome" people that are, clearly, unwhole. Missing some essential part of the human experience.

(Pain, maybe?)

I think that embracing this image is letting Mormonism view itself as what it wishes it was. A group with all its rough edges sanded off, all its raw and desperate humanity scrubbed away. A clean and godly and slightly unsettling image of joy.

That isn't how it started.

Now, most people know the story of Joseph Smith. Fourteen year old farm boy starts a cult because the whole world if full of idiots, I won't repeat it because you've probably already got it from South Park. But at some point that weirdo cult did become a religion, and I would point to that moment as the Mormon War of 1838.

I don't know how far after the founding that was. Enough that Joseph Smith was a grown man. Enough that the Mormons had around 15-25 thousand members. They'd moved to the Illinois-Missouri area and were establishing settlements.

(They creeped the locals out. Of course they creeped the locals out.)

Eventually, they got pushed out of the county they'd claimed. Jackson County, it was. The state couldn't actually take that county from the people that expelled them, so to try and make the Mormons "whole" for the land they'd bought (ignoring the houses and farms they'd already set up) it gave them a new county.

Next election that came around, that county was sieged. Voting was blocked. Now, the people of the state were terrified that this weirdo voting block was going to take them over. They probably weren't wrong. Some former Mormons had straggled in from the county revealing a frankly corrupt land dealthat the early church had used to transfer resources to itself, and that served as a tipping point. To prevent their state from becoming a religious basketcase, a mob sieged the Mormon county during the next election.

The state tried to return order by sending the militia in to break up the siege, but the militia mutinied. They joined the siegers. A ground of strange, extremist violent Mormons known as the Danites rode out and attacked local settlements that were known to house the families of the militia members.

The Governor at the time - Lilburn Boggs - sent out an executive decree. The Mormons were traitors, and were to be killed on sight. It is the only religion in the US to have ever had such an order made against it.

The Mormons surrendered their county and went to Nauvoo, Illinois. There were again expelled from that city in 1846, and traveled west.

They died in great numbers and they never forgot the homes they lost.

———

I tried to tell the story as sympathetically to the people of Missouri as I could. The Mormons made messes wherever they went, and they unsettled everyone they interacted with. But they were attacked as well, and had a history of violence against them. It should not be totally surprising that they became insular and strange.

Many (most?) Mormons that learn all of their history wind up leaving the religion. It has twists and turns and knots and it is incredibly, overwhelmingly human. I think that's where the facade of Mormon perfectionism comes from - the shame of that. The desire to be something else. But being human is all I've ever wanted. And occasionally, there are people faithful in the church - layers upon layers deep - that know their history.

And they are angry about it.

I think it's more common than people realize. Did you know that until 1930 Mormons swore literal religious oaths of vengeance against the US government for the deaths of Joseph and Hyrum Smith?

I always felt like these were, in some way, the real Mormons. They knew their history, and they loved their church, and they hated what it had suffered all those years ago.

They scared me, those people. But they seemed complete. More complete than the people that had carved out everything that didn't make them smile. They'd walked into the mirror, and touched their shadow, and danced with. Melded with it.

And I knew a few like that. I was taught by one. And he didn't convince me, but he interested me. Gave me some respect for the people I left behind.

———

In the game Fallout: New Vegas, there is a character named Joshua Graham. He's a Mormon. Not like the silly children in adult bodies that they always use on TV. He has gravitas. He has put away his moral compass before, to pursue the dream of one powerful man. Poured his soul into it, helped that man conquer the whole west in piecemeal. He's a somewhat on the nose analogy of the Mormon people themselves, following Joseph Smith. And when he finally failed, when he fought a battle he could not win on the gates of the Old World Hoover Dam, he was lit on fire and thrown into the Grand Canyon to die.

But he did not die.

He says he survived because the fire in him burned brighter than the fire around him. And it seems that way when you speak with him in game. There is something compellingly bright to him. Not shiny like a new toy, or a Utah teenager that hasn't seem just how grim the world can be. He's something blinding, compelling.

But that brightness casts shadows.

He is vicious. He was saved in the canyon by the family he left, the old Mormons of a new world. And he's trying to find that part of him again, regain the soul he lost pursuing someone else's vision. But that old vicious animal part of the covenant is with him. I see Joshua Graham and I see the animal that the Mormons became to survive the West.

And in the game, there is eventually a choice given.

You can lead the tribe Joshua has joined up with out of their Zion. Their Jackson County Missouri. Peacefully and perfectly and inhumnanly transcendant, the way the Mormons wish they actually were about everything. You can give him the chance to be what Mormonism has always wished it could be. Or you can fight with them and help them reclaim their paradise, but get your hands stuck deep in the muck of this world.

Joshua Graham knows his history. He knows all the homes his people lost. And whatever brightness he's trying to regain, whatever soul he's trying to win back from the world that takes and takes and takes and takes - he wants to give it all up again to let these people keep their home.

He knows his past and he is angry.

And as the player, you help him make peace with one of two things: Being human by being fallen, or keeping his soul at the cost of reliving the ancestral trauma of losing Zion yet again.

Both were pretty visceral decisions for a Mormon teenage Babylon to make.

(Tagging @boonebignaturals in this because I need a witness to my madness.)

[neuroticbookworm]

Hello! For the character breakdown. Jae Yeong - Semantic Error. Have a good night! Rose💜

Rose! Thank you for giving me an opportunity to simp for this man on main.

Look at him, bein’ all delicious lookin’

How I feel about this character

Let’s get this out of the way: I desire him carnally, and I also fully support his carnal desire towards Sangwoo. I’m sophisticated like that!

I went into Semantic Error ready to rip out the group project slacker’s gizzards. I’ve been in Sangwoo’s position one too many times and I was primed to hate Jaeyoung with my entire being. But he earned my respect so quick by dedicating the entire rest of his semester to activities that will drive his enemy to madness. I am a passionate hater at my core, and I recognize his game. And then, when he decided he wanted to woo Sangwoo, my man ditched his head-to-toe tteokbokki cosplay, and donned his suave leather jacket and his all-black fits. He introduced spontaneity into Sangwoo’s routine, but backed off when Sangwoo actually avoided him and angrily told him to leave him alone. He is just enough chaos combined with genuine care and attention to detail, all wrapped up in a smoking hot face and body. I need to move on before I start drooling.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Me. And Sangwoo. End of list.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

The friendship between Choi Yuna and Jang Jaeyoung consists of 40% spending time together, eating together, helping with a move, saving seats, and so on, 30% roasting the shit out of each other’s existence, and 30% her whacking his stupid yet gorgeous face for his stupidity. The ratio is just so perfect and I am extremely envious of their friendship.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I really believe that Jaeyoung tried his best to find Sangwoo, explain his case, and correct the record before going the Annoy Him Into Submission route. And the reason why his mission was so successful was because he was such a competent annoyer. He had observed Sangwoo’s everyday activities so well that he was able to successfully disrupt every single aspect of his day. That takes dedication and a level of interest that can’t just be explained away with a “oh I hate the guy”. And he never really broke any rules and crossed any boundaries! That’s why Sangwoo found the disruptions so hard to deal with: Jaeyoung took his time to do research and covered all his bases for maximum annoyance. And it worked like a charm.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

He should’ve worn all-black fits in more scenes. For research.

Give me a character ask game

[daphwritesworld]

#21 K. Walsh— BeFoUr. [part one]

(ft: #6 L. Williamson)

content: Top!Keira, Bottom!Reader, Top!Leah, impact play (R receiving), Brat Tamer!Keira, fingering (R receiving), orgasm denial, breath play, Keira bending reader like a pretzel with manhandling, oral (r receiving)

warnings: dom/sub relationship, choking, a few clit and ass spanks, not even semi-public sex they straight up some nasty horn dogs in this club, being heard going to pound town, 3sum, mentions of strap-ons but no penetration (YET AYYYE)

synopsis: You've always been a perfect submissive for your girlfriend…but what happens when you decide to break that good girl persona she's grown so accustomed to? And what happens when you enroll her best friend to help you? Lord help you, girl.

word count: 4.5k

!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!

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“You better get your girl, Kei!” A very drunk Alexia laughs out, “Before your best friend does.” 

Keira’s eyebrows draw together in confusion, her eyes searching out to where her captain’s sights are set. And oh what a sight she is met with— you, her sweet angel, pressed up against Leah on the dance floor. You’re still high off the win, and even more elated from seeing your old English teammates celebrating with you. It’d been quite a day at the UEFA, both of your groups collecting a victory in your matches. 

Now here you are, three shots deep and your adrenaline making you act out a lot more than you normally would. You’re usually such a good girl for Keira. An absolute picture perfect sub— admired by all who saw the two of you interact. She loves the way you heed her every word, never arguing or disagreeing when she tells you to do something. So it’s a surprise to her when you just smile at her, and grind your ass back against Leah when she motions for you to come towards her. 

Keira feels her jaw clench as her fingers tighten around the glass in her hand, and she makes the continuous decision to set it down before she ends the night early getting stitches. She starts making her way through the crowd, her eyes never leaving yours as she does. Leah’s whispering something in your ear, and you bite your lips at whatever it is. A blush crossing your cheeks as you finally break the intense gaze of your girlfriend. Leah’s hands are circling around your middle now, her palms resting low on your abdomen as she presses you against her even tighter. 

You can hear your heart thumping in your ears now. A pit deepens in your stomach as Keira rapidly approaches you, her hand instantly wrapping around your wrist as she yanks you into her body. You stumble at first, your free hand coming up to balance yourself against her chest. You feel like your blood is molten lava under your skin, and you aren’t sure if it’s the alcohol or your actions that’s causing the burning sensation to pump through your veins. 

Maybe it’s the good girl deep inside of you burning alive from the guilt of acting out…but the sexy look on your girlfriend’s face quickly sweeps that notion from your mind. I mean how could you feel guilty when your pussy is throbbing from the way her nails angrily dig into your skin…you should right? You should feel guilty about how much it turns you on to see her jealous and hot headed with anger, but it doesn’t. It only makes you smile up at her as your hands go behind you to find her best friend, and pull her back against your body. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Her hands move down to your waist as she tightens her grip there, knocking Leah’s away in the process. 

“Well, I wasn't just gonna sit on your lap all night because you didn’t wanna dance with me,” you make sure to roll your eyes as you say it— playing up on the brattiness to test her boundaries in front of company. It feels so much safer to do it with so many eyes on you. Because in your mind, what can she really do to you in a room full of hundreds of people? 

So it inflates your confidence, your ego, and your desire for her to break you back down into a pliable little sub. It’s like you have a sugar rush from all the praise and sweetness she’s always shown you, but you’re finally coming down from the high…and boy are you crashing HARD. You’re craving to see the rougher side of your sickly sweet girlfriend has been growing steadily for weeks now. At least, ever since she let it slip that she’s a brat tamer during a drunk truth or dare last month.

-

You had called her out with a big hearty laugh, “Oh Kei, come on! You’re like the total opposite of that. You’ve never even raised your voice at me, let alone spank me back into my place!”

“Yeah, because you already know that it’s underneath me. Brats are like wild animals, and you’re more like a house cat, babe. No need to tame a kitten when you’re used to dealing with lions.”

It was like a light went off in your head after that— a deep seated need to broken then put back together by her.

-

Your feet must’ve gone into auto pilot, because your brain is just now playing catch up. You hadn’t even realized you’re being dragged through the crowd. At least, not until you hear a chorus of teasing shouts from the mix of your former and current teammates behind you. The door to the bathroom flies open just as Mariona makes sure to yell out for you both to “Usa protección, chicas!”

Keira doesn’t even check to see if all the stalls are empty. She just pushes you into the first one she sees. You go to speak, but you’re cut off by her hand coming up and locking around your throat. “Spread your fucking legs, y/n.” 

Your eyes widen at her statement, hesitation clear as you make no move to follow her demands. “B-but we’re in pub—“ you’re cut off by a growl coming out of the older girl in front of you, “And I don’t give a damn, y/n. If you wanna act like a slut, then i’ll treat you like one…” She pushes you up against the stall door, her chest vibrating against yours as she lightly laughs. 

“And sluts don’t get fucked on nice comfy beds, do they?” Her eyes flicker up to yours before she leans down to press a couple kisses up your neck. A few more condescending giggles come out of her too, slightly tickling your skin in her wake. When she pulls away it’s like you can see the switch flip behind her eyes, because suddenly her voice is back to being as stern as the look on her face. “They get finger fucked in dirty bathroom stalls with their panties hanging around their ankles.”

You can’t help the moan that slips out from your lips at her words. You’ve never seen or heard this side of her before. It's exhilarating and makes your head spin with every second that passes. So you finally start listening and slowly begin to pry your legs apart. It must be too slow though, because next thing you know Keira is spreading them for you. As she pushes your short little dress up to bunch up around your waist, it’s her turn to let a moan slip from her mouth. You went out in an dress this short without panties on, and let someone else touch you? Oh dear lord in heaven— Keira is battling demons. She lets her hand around your throat come down and pull one of your legs up onto her shoulder. It burns a little from the stretch, but she knows how flexible you are. She’s seen you bend yourself like a pretzel just for fun– so she knows you can handle this. 

“You let her touch my pussy?” It’s asked in a scarily calm tone. One that has a shiver running down your spine as you sink further into her intense gaze. 

You can’t even react right away, brain too fuzzy from the newfound domination radiating off your girlfriend. Your mouth moves before the words can start forming, stuttering out fragments your brain can’t seem to currently process. You get snapped out of it when you feel a spank land onto your throbbing clit. It makes you jolt in her hold, and a cracked whine to rip out of your throat. It’s a sensation you’ve never felt before, dancing right on the edge of pleasure and pain.

“I asked you a question, y/n.” She’s giving you another opportunity to be good for her, and you bite your lip as you weigh your options. You could listen now, but would that really get you what you want? “Answer me or I swear to god I won’t touch you for a month,” well never fucking mind we got Miss party pooper over here. Your eyes snap up to hers as the pout on your lips starts to form. 

“No,” you cross your arms over your chest. “...but I might if you don’t hurry up and fuck me alre–” you get cut off by the another yelp leaving your lips. She’s landing another slap to your clit, this time with a little more force. There are tears gathering in your waterline now, and it makes Keira ruin her underwear a little more than she’d like to admit.

Is she upset? Yes. Is she more turned on than ever? Also yes. She’s prided herself on the fact she’s never had to punish you. Always bragging about you and your streak of being an unmatched good girl. So it’s hurting her ego a little bit to see you act this way. Has she been too sweet on you? Spoiled you to the point of being rotten? Well, now she has to correct those mistakes, and she will do it wherever she sees fit. You wanna be a brat in front of all your friends and a bunch of drunk strangers? That’s fine. You can all learn together what a lesson from Keira entails. 

There’s something so intoxicating about you being bad, though. It’s filling her body with this tingling feeling, like all her nerves are vibrating from the adrenaline rushing to her head. It’s like an extinguished fire that’s been buried in her chest, and you’ve just reignited it by tenfold. Something low in her gut started to twist when she saw you pressed up against Leah. Not jealousy per se, something more carnal. 

The blonde defender has always been a trouble maker, and Keira can’t help but get turned on when she thinks of her best friend corrupting you. Leah is the only person in the world to know your girlfriend better than you. They have years of built up trust, memories, and experiences together. Leah knows every single way to push her buttons…and she knew when Keira saw her whispering naughty little encouragements into her sweet girlfriend’s ear, that it’d set her over the edge. 

“I’m getting real sick of your smart ass mouth, y/n,” Keira’s words are spoken so low and deep you think you might pass out right here. You could drown in her velvety smooth voice, getting lost in the way her tone drops as her patience wears thin. 

“Then why don’t you do something about it—”

She cuts you off by plunging two of her fingers into your mouth. You gag at first, surprised by the intrusion as you try to calm your throat around her digits. Keira uses her other hand to grab the back of your head to keep you in place, and with that she starts fucking your mouth. She’s so close to your face that you can feel her breath dusting across your cheeks. She keeps her eyes locked onto your mouth, enchanted by the sight before her. She can hear the squelching of your spit coating her fingers, and it only adds to the erotic scene playing out between the two of you. She thrusts into your mouth for a few minutes, making sure you get them wet enough. 

When she's satisfied she pulls them out, tapping your lips before she runs them down your body. She lets her nails scratch you as they move down your abdomen, leaving goosebumps to wise behind in their path. She skips over your pussy, letting her nails run along your inner thigh. A shiver takes over your body at the feeling, a new sense of arousal flooding in through your body. You try to cock your head down to watch her hand, but you're stopped by the one still holding your head in place. "Please, Kei! I need you, baby!" You don't care how loud or desperate you sound— this is torture. 

"Oh so now you need me, huh? What happened to that big bad attitude you had earlier? All gone now that your pussy isn't getting stuffed?" This time you cower from the laugh she lets out after she speaks. It's dark and menacing; a side of her you didn't even know existed. 

You manage the best pout you can muster up, eyes all wide and innocent as you lightly reach for her arm. "I always need you, Kiera." 

"That's not true, now is it? You looked more than satisfied out there with Leah," Keira watches as your face heats up, holding back the grin that's pulling at her lips. "Was it me or her who made you this wet, baby? Maybe I should go get her and let her clean this mess up—" 

It's you cutting her off this time, "N-No! I only get this wet for you— I swear! Just please touch me, okay? Please, I'll do anything!" 

A wicked grin breaks out across her face, "Anything?" 

You think you might smash your skull into the stall door behind you if she doesn't stop teasing you. Does she know how absolutely fucking sexy she is right now? And does she know how torturous it is to not be touched when you've craved this version of her? "Yes, fuck— anything! Please, baby…" You choke the last couple words out, a cry clogging your throat as your frustration builds. 

She must take some pity on you, because she listens to you. She starts by rubbing through your folds, collecting your wetness. A small string of your arousal connects to her finger tips as she moves to rub your clit. It makes a moan pour out of your lips, back arching into her touch as it lights your body aflame. "Thank you, baby!" 

Keira's hand on your head moves to your front, ripping the top of your dress down so she has access to your chest. She knew you hadn't worn a bra tonight, and honestly she's proud she's lasted this long before tearing it off. Her mouth goes straight to your tits, lips enclosing around your nipple as her free hand comes up to pinch at the other one. She lets two of her fingers slide into your pussy; not giving you a second to adjust before she's jack hammering into them. Her palm hits your clit perfectly, sending jolts of electricity from your core up to your spine with every thrust. You somehow arch your back even deeper, pushing your boobs further into your girlfriend's mouth. 

"Feels s-so fucking g-goood!" You're slurring your words already, brain fogging up from the pleasure she's giving you. 

You feel her laugh against your chest, the vibrations of it moving from your nipple down to your core. She pulls her face back after the pretty noise you let out from the action, a bodeful look overtaking her features. "Admit you liked Leah's hands on you," It makes your pussy gush into her hand. "I-I didn't!" You feel the heat rise back to your cheeks, and the tips of your ears turning bright red. That's how Keira always knows when you're lying, because of the cherry tomato tint that covers them. It always gives you away. 

Her fingers curl up into your g-spot just as the bathroom door opens, and your hand flies up to cover your mouth...but Keira stops you. Her one hand captures both of your wrists, and she pins them above your head. That leaves you to bite down onto your bottom lip, trying with all your might to stay quiet. Keira rolls her eyes at that, slipping a third finger into your dripping cunt before increasing the speed and force behind her thrusts. The burn of the stretch is what breaks you, a pitiful moan echoing out across the tiled room. You don't even notice how hard you'd bit your lip until Keira's bending down to suck the blood off of it. 

It's so dirty and taboo…so nasty. You genuinely had no idea how much of a fucking freak your girlfriend is….and you definitely didn't' know how much you'd enjoy it. She's ruining you with every second that passes, and ingraining a need for this kind of treatment, at least weekly. Keira doesn't know it yet, but she is destroying the good girl she once created. 

"M'Gonna cum!" You slur it out as your eyes cross, legs shaking as Keira keeps you held up with her weight. Your eyesight is blurring out as you feel yourself start to tip over the edge…then it's gone. Just as fast as your high came about, it vanishes along with her fingers.  She takes your leg on her shoulder off, softly setting it back down on the ground as you groan out from the discomfort. You feel tears gather in your eyes at the empty feeling left in your pussy. You go to open your mouth to complain, but Keira's wet hand comes up to pinch your cheeks together, effectively silencing you. "Not until you stop lying to me. Good girls don't lie," her grip tightens on your face, "and bad girls don't get to cum." 

The tears in your waterline finally fall down your face. "I'm not lying.."

"Yes, you are. Now tell me the truth or we're going home, and I won't let you cum for a week if you lie to me again, y/n. Maybe if I punish you then you'll learn, hmm?"

"O-okay, fine!" It's your turn to be the one to roll your eyes now. A blush settling across your skin as you look anywhere, but at Keira. "…I liked it when she was touching me.."

She can't hold back her grin this time, "Who? Gotta be specific, baby." 

You whine out as you struggle against her hand still keeping your wrists bound. The embarrassment of being caught is becoming too much for you to handle…and not in the way you'd expect. It's humiliating you, yet somehow you're getting wet from it. There are so many new feelings you're experiencing right now, and so fucking thankful it's Keira you're exploring them with. You take a deep breath before looking her in the eyes, "Leah! I liked it when Leah touched me, okay? Now please, baby!"

Your blood runs cold at the ominous laugh that burrows out of Keira's chest. You don't have time to think about it much, because then she's pulling you away from the door and unlocking it. Yanking it open as you scramble to pull your top back up. "You hear that, Le?" 

Your head snaps up at that, eyes widening as you see the blonde standing directly in front of the open stall. "Oh I definitely heard that, Kei." She has a smirk sitting pretty on her lips as her eyes rack up and down your body, finally meeting your gaze as she flashes you a predatory smile.

You swear you must've of went into a trance after that. Because the next thing you remember is being in the back of a taxi, Keira and you making out as Leah's lips danced across your neck. Eventually your girlfriend pulled away and led your mouth to her best friend's, and took the spot of leaving love bites on your neck. They'd corned you in the elevator of the hotel, one on each side as they felt up on your body. Pulling sweet sounds from your mouth as you melted into their touch. 

That leads us back to now. The two English footballers towering over you as you sit on the edge of the king size bed. "You sure you want to do this, love? You say the word and we can end this right now. There's no pressure on you, okay?" Keira's hand comes up to your cheek, her thumb rubbing soft circles into your skin. A concerned look etches itself onto her face as she addresses you. You smile at her, letting your own hand come up to smooth the furrow in her brow. "I 100% want to do this. I know this is all new for me—  for us together…but I want this," you take her hand into yours as you slide it up your thigh. She groans out when she feels the wetness leaking out all over them, 'I really fucking want this." 

You don't get a verbal response from her, just a push to your shoulders that sends you flying back onto the duvet. A giggle escapes you as you bounce against the mattress, waiting for one of them to finally make you cum. Keira and Leah share a look as they switch positions. The blonde defender makes a place for herself between your legs, her hands going to your calves before she pushes them up against your chest. "I've been waiting years to get a taste of this sweet cunt. You should hear the way Keira describes it— says it's just like honey." 

You flush as you go to look at your girlfriend, a playful smile on her face. "Y-you talk about me?" 

"Of course I do, love. How could I not when you've got the best fucking pussy I've ever had?" She strips her clothes off as she climbs up on the bed. After pulling your dress off she settles down above your head, her cunt presented to you for your viewing pleasure. Before you get a chance to ask her to sit on your face, Leah is thursting her tongue into your hole. Her nose rubs up into your clit as she stays buried to the hilt, moans flying out of your mouth as you get lost in the pleasure of hers. You're still so wound up, like a live wire ready to blow. So it's no surprise when you come tumbling towards the edge again, hands scrambling to reach out to Keira above you. 

"Please don't stop! Please, baby!' But she just laughs at you as she lets you cling to her arm, wrestling one away from your tantalizing grip. 

"I'm not the one you should be begging right now." She grabs your chin as she moves your head down, and your eyes lock with Leah's. "Please don't stop! Please, Le. I wanna cum for you..want you to taste me on your tongue." She moans into your cunt from your words, and it sends vibrations through your most sensitive nerves. It feels like a firework went off inside your gut, leaving you to be overwhelmed with the waves of pleasure rolling through your body. A cry falls from your lips as your thighs attempt to close around her head...but it's Keira who spreads them back open. She leans over your body as she gets onto her knees, and her lips find their way to your chest once again. She licks, sucks, bites…just about everything to your nipples. She knows how sensitive they are— hell she's even made you cum from just her mouth on your tits before. So she can't even imagine how good you feel right now. "I can't h-hold it, baby! Can I please c-cum?" 

Keira knows it's directed at her this time. If the pet name wasn't enough, everyone knows only she owns your orgasms. Leah might be the one between your legs right now, but make no mistake...Keira is the one to decide if, how, and when you get to cum. You're lucky she's feeling so generous tonight, because with one breath she's detaching from your tits. "Go ahead and show her why I brag about you so much. Cum all over her tongue for me, baby." 

Your nails dig into your girlfriend's arms as your back arches off of the bed. Keira's hands hold your hips down for her best friend as she pulls away from your hickey covered tits, groaning out at the sight in front of her. Leah's eyes are rolling into the back of her head as her jaw works overtime. Keira can see the wet muscle thrusting into your pussy, a coat of white cream spilling all into the blonde's mouth. Leah lets one of her hands come up to rub at your clit as she starts moving her head, sucking up every ounce of your essence that leaks out. It's like goddamn nectar and Leah can't get enough of it. 

She only pulls away once Keira's hand is pushing her head to give you a break. You are absolutely boneless under the two women, eyes barley open as you try and catch your breath. Keira crawls back as they go to examine your condition after a round like that. Leah's the first to break the silence, "I think we bloody killed her, mate."

"Oh trust me, she's fine. Plus we haven't even showed her our surprise yet—"

"Surprise? What surprise?!" 

"Oh and suddenly you're just fully awake, huh?" Leah laughs out, shaking her head as she gives Keira a look.

"I told you she was fine, just needed a little encouragement. Ain't that right, baby?"

"Mhm…sooo about this surprise?" 

"Well someone's a little impatient," Leah says as she shakes her head, "Close your eyes first, darling."

You dramatically sigh before following her instructions. 

"Again, just trust me. She always is when it comes to surprises," the two of them keep talking like you aren't even there. Walking over to two bags you still haven't noticed magically appeared in your room. You hear some rustling around, but mostly silence. It lets your mind drift for the first time tonight, and a sinking feeling fills your gut as you realize something. 

"WAIT!" Your eyes snap open, "H-how do you two have a surprise for me?" You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up at the revelation. "And how'd those bags get in here?"

They just share a crimson smile as they turn back towards you, and you gasp at what you're met with. Both of them approaching you with a strap on attached to their hips. Leah is the one to speak first, "Oh don't worry, darling. I told Kei allll about your little plan. You didn't really think a little kitten like you was calling the shots, did you?" 

A whole new feeling of arousal seeps into your bloodstream…because now you realize just how calculated this whole night has been. She knew every step of your plan and then used it against you…and you played right into her hand. Now you're at the complete disposal of not one, but two very…very worked up athletes. It terrifies and excites you at the same time. They start climbing onto the bed as they skewer you between them, man handling you onto your hands and knees. A silicone cock rests against your cheek and the other on your ass, grinding into everywhere but where you need them most. You look up to see who’s at your front end, the tall blonde’s abs the first thing you’re greeted with. Her voice drops a few octaves as her eyes grow darker.

"We're just getting started, darling." 

[spicedwatermel0n]

Teen designs references "update", just making the standstills nicer and improving on some stuff

Nigel: very quiet, but will talk occasionally. He has a reputation in the school as the honor role kid, and is loved among the teachers. However, he despises most of them in return. Despite his ability to pull straight As and never get in trouble, he only does it because he's supposed to be undercover. There's a few teachers he likes, and they're the ones who've openly defended innocent kids or expressed disgust towards bad treatment of children. Otherwise, he hates each and every one of them. Many rumors surround him and who he is. Some suspect he's partially deaf in his missing ear (the one on the same side as the missing eye), as he often fails to respond to people. This is completely false. He does this because he doesn't want to speak to anyone. He does, however, have severe vision problems. In his only eye, he suffers from glaucoma-like vision loss. This makes him prone to bumping into objects/people, but everyone does their best to respect him and let it go because of his muscular build.

Kuki: a social butterfly, as she was as a child. She never grew out of acting youthful. Similarly to Nigel, she really doesn't like the people around her. She tries to fit in for her own safety, as she's currently flying under the radar as a cishet girl and anything getting out could be dangerous for her + cause her to be dead named forcefully. She fits in well with the popular girls, and it gives her an excuse to dress up nicely and use make-up. Her classes are pretty average. She's not the greatest, but she isn't close to failing. She is hardly noticed by the teachers.

Abby: a geek. She doesn't hang out around anyone besides Nigel. She's often bullied for various reasons, but the number one reason is her being too complex to fit in with any one particular group or cliche. She's complex in a way that people find odd, which leads to her getting bullied. She's quiet, but simply because she doesn't feel the need to say anything unless she's spoken to first. Nigel's presence tends to keep people from bullying her, since everyone is terrified of Nigel. She'll try to find him whenever she can so she can avoid harassment and have some company. She's in a lot of clubs and does great work for the school as a part of a KND supported program meant to make education easier, run by some teachers who happen to be apart of the AND in secret. The teachers have no problems with Abby, since she's clearly intelligent and has no problem learning, and she tends to give them space when they aren't teaching her as to respect them.

THE NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS WILL GET INTO SOME HEAVY TOPICS LIKE SELF HARM, SUICIDE, ABUSE, BULLYING, BIGOTRY, DRUGS, AND UNDERAGED ALCOHOLISM. I DO NOT SUPPORT THEIR ACTIONS, THIS IS MEANT TO PORTRAY THE EVENT OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA CAUSING A PERSON TO BECOME MORALLY GREY.

Hoagie: a hardcore drug addict, and a well known dealer. He drowns out his sorrows with stolen alcoholic beverages, and cuts for his own self deprecating pleasure. He tends to go into a state of perpetual agony when intoxicated, but thankfully doesn't experience any violent emotions. He lacks consideration for anyone who may see him in this state, and will become intoxicated in front of those who care for him enough times to be a problem. Aside from experiencing abuse at home, he is also beaten up frequently at school. His impressive height doesn't intimidate the people who corner him into empty rooms and beat him enough for him to be marked absent from his next class. These beatings are usually motivated by homophobia, as his identity as gay was spread all across the school in his early years. He has horrible grades in his classes, and his teachers despise him. This is further solidified by his engagement in delinquency, such as vandalizing rooms in the school, busting objects, and getting into verbal fights with staff. Despite seeming like he enjoys his lifestyle of illegal substances and actions on the outside, he is well aware of his own decline and has attempted numerous times. He feels like he can do nothing but watch as he turns into the exact opposite of the person he wanted to be growing up. Additional note: he has a beaten pickup truck that he drives frequently, especially with being the only one to own his own vehicle. It was gifted to him by his mother, who had been paying for the old pickup (once owned by Gilligan Sr) just long enough to lend it over to Hoagie.

Wally: also a hardcore drug addict, but not a dealer himself. He frequents delinquency acts more than Hoagie does, and finds amusement in going out at dusk to steal, destroy property, and spray paint on the property of consumer locations. He's more into the drugs than the alcohol, which he gets at a discounted price from Hoagie. He tends to follow shortly behind Hoagie, no matter where he goes. His identity as transgender is forced to be disrespected by the staff, and he is not allowed to wear anything gender affirming. He often attempts to get into physical fights with staff for misgendering him on bad days. He's rarely in class, and when he is, he's clearly too high to be in attendance. Along with Hoagie, he is often assaulted by other students for homophobic/transphobic reasons. He is targeted more than Hoagie is due to his size, and that Wally has simply given up with fighting back. Despite immense strength, Wally is so weak from his habits that he couldn't do much of what he normally could, even if he wanted to. His open ideations and desires for death are what makes him want to stand there and take it, rather than defend himself. Wally is known for lashing out at people, and sometimes hurting himself in front of others if he gets angry enough. He will bite into his own arm and tear the flesh off, albeit not much, due to his weakness from drug addiction. This is extremely problematic for the others and they try their best to keep away from Wally when he's not doing well, for his own safety, and for their sanity. He has needed multiple stitches after self harming himself due to him getting overwhelmed with emotions and carving himself like a piece of paper. The only thing keeping him from constantly idealizing is Hoagie's company. If anything is proof that they can recover from this horrible state and prevent themselves from turning into something that'll devastate society, it's the small flame that burns for each other's quiet embrace. On the calmer days, they'll cuddle each other underneath of "their tree" for hours, never speaking a word.

[nickrocketrodriguez]

Hello, Nick! Can you share with us some of your favorite scenes into the writing process of Jurassic World: Chaos Theory? Or even some scenes that didn't end up on the show but you liked it?

Gosh, we wrote these so long ago it's so hard to come up with specifics. For the episodes I wrote, I loved writing the scenes in "Halfway Home" between Daniel and Kenji. I have a relationship in my own life that mirrors (to a certain extent) theirs, so to be able to put all of myself into that episode -- my first as a staff writer on a TV series -- was very special for me. It really allowed me to completely open myself up to working with other writers to intimately. I also get a giggle out of the part where Kenji doesn't have the words to describe Daniel's ultimatum, so he just grunts -- I didn't know if it would make anyone else laugh, but it seemed to, so it stayed! That was pretty fun.

"The Drop" was a bit tougher for me, as it was a pretty pivotal moment between Darius and Kenji. In their scene where they struggle over possession of Brooklynn's phone, I really wanted Darius to rear back to take a swing at Kenji, but for some reason, in a show where people are eaten by dinosaurs, throwing punches (or even implying it) was a no-go, but what ended up in there was still really fun and to the spirit of what I was trying to do.

"Batten Down the Hatches" was sooooo much fun to write as a horror and action fan -- I feel like the team really took what I wrote and ran with it in the best possible way! Seeing that one at SDCC with a group of like 800 fans was something I will never forget. People laughed, gasped, shouted at the screen -- it was just such a cool moment for me.

But getting to introduce Soyona Santos was also such a special thing for me. As I've said in the past, getting to write for Dichen Lachman was such a fanboy moment for me, I'm so glad I got to reintroduce her to the world and help usher in a more three dimensional version of the character than there was time for in Dominion. I love the cat-and-mouse vibe of their conversation. There's also the bit that I'm not sure many picked up on where Santos is the one who uses the term, "limb difference" for the first time in the series. Our consultants had taught me that phrase, and I thought it was an interesting choice for Santos to introduce it to Brooklynn. The thinking was somewhere along the lines of, in her quest to get deeper into the trafficking of dinos, she probably didn't have a ton of time to look into how she was really feeling about losing her arm, let alone find anyone else who'd introduce that phrase to her. So when Santos uses it, there's a split second where Brooklynn kinda connects with it. I think it shows that Santos isn't just a mustache-twirly type of villain. She's intelligent, she's hip to how language has evolved, and she might even be a good person in another life. There was a moment where it was called into question whether or not Santos would use the phrase, so I'm especially glad we got to keep it in there.

And don't even get me started on the episodes my amazing colleagues wrote for the rest of the series. They all did such an incredible job, I don't even have enough words to express how awesome their episodes turned out, not to mention how awesome all of the rest of the crew did in bringing the show to life!!

[dragonageruinedmylife]

The phenomenon of how the dragon age fandom (and to some extent, Bioware fandom as a whole) views its content is honestly one of the most interesting things I've seen in fandom spaces.

I was introduced to dragon age in 2011-2012, Played Origins and then II, enjoyed them both enough that when I learned about Inquisition, I got really excited. The consensus back then, by most people I talked to fandom wise seemed to be: Origins is great, II is good but struggles because of its short development. When Inquisition came out, the reception seemed to be super positive. It won GOTY after all!

Cut to now. In the last few years as things led up to Veilguard, it seemed that there were these little camps of fandom that had cropped up. Groups like "Origins is the best and everything has been trash since" or the shift that seems to have taken over where II is looked back on as a favorite for a lot of people. As well as pop-ups about people saying they didn't enjoy Inquisition that much for whatever reason, but don't think its a bad game.

Veilguard has been out for less than a month, and while I do think it's fine and healthy to critique the media we enjoy and consume, it feels like people are quick to try and compare it to the previous games and make it fall short. And the irony of that is, that nearly any critique I see about Veilguard could be applied to its predecessors.

While I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with this cycle, people are going to enjoy or not enjoy what they will, I hope that Veilguard does not suffer Mass Effect: Andromeda's fate. Where any critique about it drowns out what was good (and there were great things in Andromeda) to the point that it ruins the chance for another dive back into that world.

[nomatterwhatnomatterwhere]

Feels (Wistful) like Summer Rain

A.N: Soo... it took me longer than I thought to finish this one. I'm really sorry about this. I'm not entirely satisfied, especially with the ending. I don't know. Let me know what you think. In any case I hope you like it

T.W: emotional abuse ( kinda ?), social anxiety ( done bad but still)

Max's pov: Feels (Warm) like Sunlight

Kelly's pov: Feels (Harsh) like Winter Wind

Misunderstanding Max was not difficult, in fact he made it quite easy. And you had always read too much between the lines

That was why you hadn't insisted when Max had wanted to change the subject when you'd alluded to Kelly.

Part of you wanted to insist, to know if it was worth it after all, to take a step back. But another part didn't want to hurt Max any more than the rest of the world already had.

He hardly ever gave it away, but he didn't like being labelled the villain of the story. The villain of every story.

Who would?

Yet with the character he had on the track, with his racing manner, he was perfect for the role.

You remembered perfectly his eyes asking you to confirm what the tabloids reported, whether it was true that he was unfair and violent.

You remembered well how easy it was to see his poker face collapse at the slightest hint, and how no one seemed to notice.

Or maybe they pretended not to notice.

Because people like to see what they want to see, what suits them, and it didn't matter if they ruined other people's lives with their way of doing things.

Because people had seen Max's raw talent and had decided that that sixteen-year-old boy was the ideal villain in a world of competitiveness where only the best can triumph.

That's exactly why you meant every word you said, that you were truly sorry, because you had seen how happy Kelly had made him, and you really hoped the two of them had parted better than the gossip pages let on, and it hurt that you couldn't be more of a comfort to him at that moment.

But you didn't belong there.

Not any more. For a long time.

Max had caught your eye long before you realised it.

Your situation at the time wasn't the best, but that didn't mean you were easily distracted, quite the contrary.

It had been rather strange how between acting as if nothing was changing at school, and dealing with foster care at home, it had been Max who had caught your attention.

Max didn't attend classes much, and no one really knew why, plus his home situation wasn't much happier than yours.

Only yours had been handled much better. His were rumours that were somehow confirmed.

Maybe he had attracted you because you thought you were similar, even though you knew how different you really were.

Those few times you saw Max at school, he never tried to hang out with the others; no matter how much his gaze lingered on the groups of kids at recess, he never got up to go to them, and they always kept their distance from him, but Max never seemed to mind so much.

You, on the other hand, always had anxiety about being alone, you didn't want to stay with your thoughts. But you also got anxious when you were with your friends, because you were never really honest with them, because you didn't want to argue with anyone, because you never took sides for fear they would get angry with you and leave you alone.

Somehow neither of you were really comfortable with the others.

You found out why Max was so absent because you asked the Vermeulen, your foster parents.

It had taken you a while to open up to them, not because they were mean or you didn't like them, they were just different from what you were used to, and you didn't want to be a burden of any kind to them, who had welcomed you with open arms first into their home and then into their family

It had not been easy for them either, the therapist who had dealt with you had said that your adapting so much to what others wanted was the result of a trauma that you had not yet realised you had suffered.

And how could you, what the psychologist called ‘trauma’ had been normal for you until child welfare workers had turned up on your doorstep asking you to pack your bags.

In fact, you had difficulty understanding why they had taken you away from your parents: they were not violent, had never beaten you and they had never made you lack anything. Of course they often shouted at each other, about things you didn't understand, but wasn't that something all couples did? They demanded that you behave well in every situation, that you never talk back, and that you do well at school, but there was nothing strange in expecting you to be a polite child. They weren't affectionate parents, but that didn't make them monsters, most people don't like physical contact and your parents were that kind of person.

The Vermeulens had given you an mp3 so you could listen to the music you wanted when you were studying without feeling guilty about the volume. When you travelled by car Vincent, Mr Vermeulen, always took the longer and more scenic drives because you liked to watch the scenery change, and you could listen to a few more songs because that mp3 had become your best friend. They had taken you to see The Nutcracker at the theatre because it was your favourite CD in Mrs Vermeulen's vast collection, Julie, you had listened to it so much that she had bought a copy just for you.

For Christmas they had taken you to a Christmas fair because you had never been to one, with Julie putting your scarf over your nose every three times so you wouldn't look too much like Rudolph and Vincent holding you on his shoulders when your feet started to hurt.

The best thing, though, was seeing the two of them at the candy stand arguing over which was better between liquorice and gummy bears, only to see you choose milk candy. From then on there were always packets of those sweets around the house

It was this blatant distinction between your parents‘ and the Vermeulens’ way of doing things that made it difficult for you to open up to them: You loved your parents, but Julie and Vincent made you feel not only valued but also part of something, and that made you feel ungrateful and unappreciative.

That was a thought you didn't feel ready to share yet though, so you diverted to the other thought that wandered through your head with no intention of paying rent

"He participates in a lot of races, that kid is a karting prodigy."

Max wasn't family, but Vincent couldn't deny that he had a keen eye for the little devil that haunted his go kart track, perhaps because you could see from afar that little Verstappen had talent to spare, or perhaps because a bit like you, he looked to him like a child older than his age.

Maybe that was why he didn't object when Julie, after a doubtful look from you, suggested you spend some time at the go-kart track and see for yourself how good your classmate was

The go-kart track was your second - third ? - home. You liked how every time you went there you felt relieved of a burden, you felt free of the tension of having to be attentive to everything around you, that was probably why you had never noticed Max before.

But once you did, it was hard not to notice him: he was one with the kart, he looked like he was made for racing on the track.

It was also hard not to notice his father: Jos Verstappen was someone who made you feel strange, somehow Jos reminded you of your parents even if you didn't quite understand how that was possible.

Your parents would never have left you somewhere because you had not achieved the desired results in a competition. Jos always seemed to be dissatisfied with what Max did, and Max seemed sad, even though it was obvious that he loved racing on the track

You had approached him after Jos had left him stranded for the umpteenth time. You knew he'd come to pick him up. If he hadn't, his mother would have done it. But that time he seemed the most broken you had ever seen him.

You weren't sure what it was, but since that day something had clicked between you: it was the reading between the lines, the catching of a different look from the usual, the slight change in tone, the getting to know each other so intimately that made your relationship with Max so immensely different from any other.

It was something that grew with you over time, something uniquely yours but that everyone around you perceived, even without really understanding it.

That was why you thought you had a special place in his life: apart from his family, you were the person he spent most time with on and off the track.

You always knew what was going on in his head without him uttering a word, not that Max was one who didn't speak.

Max could talk a lot when he wanted to, and when he talked about something he liked - racing, engines, winning - he had a light in his eyes that made it impossible not to be spellbound listening to him.

To say that Max wasn't popular would be a lie, you remembered with deep affection his confused look when he found a stack of Valentine's Day dedications on the counter, his gaze seeking confirmation in yours, as if to ask if what was happening was normal, and his not knowing quite how to act about it.

It was something Victoria often teased him about, not knowing how to read those social interactions

"Probably all the space in his head is taken up with strategies for competitions."

You really thought you had a chance, you saw it: you saw how Max sought your gaze before others, how he somehow searched for your approval, your support. How he was looking for you.

At least until Kelly had arrived and reality had hit you like a bucket of ice water as the ground beneath your feet crumbled.

You wanted so badly for him to love you back that you had seen things that had never been there, because obviously Max had never had a thing for you.

Because otherwise you wouldn't have seen that look in his eyes, as if Kelly had attached the moon to the sky.

You wouldn't have seen that smile so joyful when he talked to her, when you had waited years to see him smile like that.

You wouldn't have felt like you were in the way.

It sucked to feel that way. Rejected. It hurt so much that even the thought of feeling that way again led you to avoid seeing his races, limiting yourself to messages of good luck or congratulations, but even those were short-lived

"I think I've lived Max's life enough" was what you told the Vermeulen after days of silence "Racing is his passion. Not mine. I think it's time to try something new" you had finished with a small smile, resigned, but at least not forced.

But that didn't mean they didn't stay awake with you when you cried at night, in case you needed something.

You wouldn't have needed anything.

But they kept leaving you over the kitchen counter a cup of hot chocolate, bitter, because you had long since given up the absurd amount of sugar that was milk candy.

They had both been open and understanding when with downcast eyes you had asked, whispered, if it was all right for you to walk away from that world

"You're your own person, and it's just right you try different things and what works better for you. Our world doesn't have to be your world. And that won't change what we feel about you"

You realised you were crying when Julie wiped the tears from your face. She had just painted her nails.

Relationships with the Verstappens went on without too much trouble, they had only diminished, sleepovers and outings with Victoria were still a must have and Sophie had never made a secret of how much she enjoyed your company.

Only once had you been asked if you would like to see one of Max's races live again.

Neither of them had insisted when you had declined due to an important commitment that day, but neither of them had missed how tense you were at the question.

It was true though, even if you had wanted to go, you couldn't because you really had an important commitment.

Since your time away from the world of racing you had tried different things, but radio was the one you felt most at home in: whether you were put on the assistant director's desk or the leaderboard or whatever, you felt you were in your own world.

When you had been offered to replace one of the announcers you had accepted, even if it meant not sleeping until the next morning. It was worth it, in the end, because they had confirmed you for that nightly column which, although niche, had seen a significant increase in ratings since you had been hosting it. The audience liked your approach, they interacted more, even at that ungodly hour, and even for the other hosts it was clear that that was your place.

The YouTube channel came later, even though it wasn't entirely your idea: at first it was stories or live feeds on Instagram, but your audience seemed to like it and they suggested you expand it, so you did.

There were people who didn't like you, who thought you were fake and posh, and who enjoyed sending you unkind comments. But it didn't matter any more.

There were people who liked you, even without ever having seen you. People who without knowing you thanked you because you had said something that made their day better, or because they felt understood by someone.

(That had been another reason for your broadening the topics of discussion on your channel).

Deciding to do a live broadcast from the kart track had been something you had been thinking about for a while. Even though you had drifted away from the world of racing, it had always been a part of you, and it would come back to greet you cyclically when you got notifications of start times, qualifying results or penalty investigations.

You hadn't managed to completely detach yourself from what had been your world for most of your life, those who knew you simply didn't know this side of you.

You were embarrassed to say that the reason you no longer followed the sport so assiduously was because it reminded you of how your first crush had rejected you without realising it, and you were even more embarrassed to think that that little crush on Max Verstappen had never really got over.

But the kartdrome was not just the more or less painful memories of Max. It was also the hiding between the tyres to study, the milk sweets you offered to everyone who came in, the people who switched from karts to formula but always went back to their roots, so you decided to give it a try.

You didn't know how you would react if it went wrong, but fortunately for you your interest in the sport seemed to be appreciated, so much so that you found yourself walking around a paddock again after not setting foot there for years.

Returning to breathe the air of racing was strange: it wasn't something new, but it was different from what you remembered.

It was strange to move around and meet people who wanted to take a photo with you, hug you or just say hello, you didn't think you had brought much to what was the world of car racing, yet everywhere you turned there were people who seemed to think otherwise.

It was even stranger to meet familiar faces long before they became famous. You'd known them from Max's races, you'd even stopped to talk to some on occasion, but you hadn't kept in touch.

"Look who's finally back"

It had taken you a while to realise that Esteban was talking to you: you couldn't remember ever having spoken a word to him when you went to watch the races. He must have noticed, as he snorted a laugh before showing you a photo in which oh, yeah, that was definitely you wearing a sweatshirt kindly donated by Max standing next to you

The other kid in the photo must have been Esteban but in your eyes he was so different that you had to alternate your gaze between him and the photo before you really realised.

"You were always nice to everyone. It was a shame not to see you around any more."

He had been the first to say it, but after meeting other drivers the general thought seemed the same: you were someone who, despite everything, stuck out.

Not once had the thought of how you would behave if you met Max crossed your mind.

That's why you didn't know how to react when you met him.

Although perhaps it was more accurate to say that it was he who had met you.

It wasn't that you hadn't recognised him, you were realising that the man in front of you, with the two glasses in his hand, wasn't one of the many people there.

It was Max Verstappen.

The same Max Verstappen who didn't know how to deal with others, who watched from afar as the other children played, not knowing which way to approach them.

You didn't know what it was, whether an involuntary reflex or something else, but you broke that embarrassed silence.

Yours was not a question to be answered with ‘less than you think’, and you were ready to ask for an argument if he did not ask another question

"Why didn't you come to the Redbull pit?"

That wasn't a question to ask someone you hadn't seen in a long time, especially not in that tone that almost seemed to accuse you, when he had no right to do so

"Sorry what-"

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming to the races? I could've-"

"I didn't have to tell you tho" maybe you had been too blunt in answering him, but it was true. You didn't have to give any information, plus it would have been weird to tell Max with whom you had been radio silent for years "We hadn't talked in ages, I couldn't just text you. It didn't feel right, you know?"

You had seen his gaze change and could feel the wheels turning in his head, but you too had started to ask yourself some questions

"Didn't think you knew I was there … Was it Vic who told you?"

"Heard you on the radio"

Oh. You didn't think Max was a radio guy, honestly. Not least because even though they'd changed them, your column times still remained infamous.

There was another silence that led to your apology for his break-up with Kelly, a subject Max didn't seem to want to talk about at all, given the fleeting change of expression.

He was pensive. And sad. Yet more proof of how important Kelly was to him.

Somewhat resentfully you wondered if he had ever made such an expression thinking about you, although you found it difficult that between all his commitments Max found time to think about you. He hadn't thought about you since he started dating Kelly, why would he now

"I can get you a pass, if you plan to watch the race"

You had laughed.

What else were you supposed to do in a situation that oscillated between the ridiculous and the comical

"If I plan to watch the race? I don't think you will ever find someone who's not here for the race. Well, they sure have other things to do, but you know what I mean"

It was common knowledge that the Montecarlo race was the VIP hangout, and you didn't think you had to be the one to explain it to Max

"I appreciate the thought, but I already got my pass, but thank you"

you backed away from the railing you had been leaning against, convinced that the conversation would end there, now that you had nothing to go on talking about, but what he asked next left you mildly surprised

"Even for Quali?"

He "You… “ remembered "have my attention"

It wasn't common knowledge, but you often preferred qualifying to racing: there was something about pre-race performances that gave you goosebumps, an adrenaline rush you could never quite describe. Max knew it. He'd listened to you for hours as you explained how the qualifying air was different, and he often agreed with you, even if he would just put his head down and let you talk.

Time may have passed, but he still had that same expression that you had never been able to put a name to.

You had smiled when you recognised Raymond's voice greeting you: he had been Verstappen's manager for as long as you could remember, but it was he who had steered you into the world of radio. You owed him a lot -

(Did that make you an honorary nepo- baby of some kind?).

After asking him to pass on your apologies to Ray you were drawn into another conversation, and then another and another, that you almost didn't notice how Max's presence followed you around like a shadow, though not physically, and how that seemed to make the others uncomfortable.

Almost.

It had been like stepping back in time for an evening: sensing his gaze from a distance, knowing exactly what he was thinking with just a glance, having conversations that lasted a blink of an eye, a slight smile or a shake of the head

And you were pretty sure the next day you would have regretted not clarifying the situation right away.

It had come back to you why you thought you had a chance with him, why you had seen things that had never been there, why you had fallen in love with him

Misunderstanding Max wasn't difficult, in fact, he made it quite easy.

And you had always read too much between the lines