#i wish i could just fix everything
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I feel really scared I dont want to do this alone I dont feel alright I feel so dumb I just want things to be normal and to be held.
#i just want things to be okay#i feel fear and dread and loneliness#like everythings going to fall apart#i hust eant to be held#i dint want anything to go back to how it was before#havig a panic attack at 4 am#i wish i could just fix everything#feel gone just gone#very very very very sad and worried#and stupid#just eant to go to bed and be safe#but i dont feel safe i feel scared#whatever this is so stupid#i really really want a safe place#i want to be held and told everything will be ok and everyone will get love and what they need and recover#why do i feel like the world is ending#i just want it ti be better
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what was with cameron house md she spends 90% of the episode saying she wants their patient to die bc he's a genocidal dictator and her colleague husband says "babe it bothers me for ethical reasons that you want our patient to die :(" and she said "hm maybe you're right :/" but when it comes down to it the genocidal dictator lays a finger on her in an aggressive manner and chase instantly commits medical malpractice to murder the guy and then when he tells her she LEAVES HIM bc boo hoo he's a murderer now like GIRL he killed a man for you!!! he's wracked with catholic guilt!!! he's being crushed beneath the weight of his sins because he chose his devotion to you over his devotion to god!!! he literally could not get any sexier at this moment in time!!!
#girl what are you doing......#also just in general she did not deserve him honestly he was so good to her and for WHAT#just to be abandoned at peak devotion and guilt and hotness 🙄#girl get OUT of my way i'm stronger than you#if she cared she could fix him or make him worse but i could love and support him no matter what 😌#his muder is a part of him and its SEXY#robert chase#house md#malpractice md#i know the actors broke up irl or whatever but wtf.....#i should have ended my rewatch w their happy lil wedding at the end of s5#s6 everything instantly goes to shit#and stays shitty#chase should be happy fr#he's supposed to turn into house basically but they should have made him the well adjusted version of house#like how nightwing is the well adjusted version of batman#anyway i have no real point here i just lowkey dont like cameron bc of this arc#also her obsession w house is so weird i wish they hadn't made that a thing#this has been a shitpost#anyway she left chase at the absolute peak of his sexiness wtf.......#anyway since this apparently needs to be said its not that deep this is a silly post if you send me hate messages i wont answer#i block and ignore anon hate bc i am too busy touching grass to be rude to strangers over a tv show
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just throwing some doodles out there while things r still busy for me but i ended up drawing a whole trilogy of Polycules Sleeping In A Funny Pose
#danganronpa#saiibomatsu#amaoumota#iruharumeno#kaede akamatsu#kiibo#shuichi saihara#kaito momota#kokichi ouma#rantaro amami#miu iruma#himiko yumeno#maki harukawa#SORRY tagging everyone sorry#been meaning to draw these guys... ofc saiibomatsu but like. i love polyamory#also i fixed this from the first version remembered 2 give shuichi leg hair sorry king#ngl im doing horrible rn i wish i could draw but just. school. work. everything
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really not a fan of boston very explicitly saying "I want to be exclusive romantically but not sexually" only to be told "You're lying to yourself. I think you should be alone."
#like... p'jojo. you gave us 3wbf??? what's going on bud#only friends the series#ofts#am i misinterpreting boston? did I miss something? is this just a poorly executed representation of something else entirely??#idk this really just did not sit well with me#i love pretty much everything else in this show so i'm disappointed that this was the last thing we got#bc I've been saying this the whole time!! boston DOES want a romantic relationship and he's spent the whole show coming to terms with that#he really does love nick#and he wants romantic exclusivity (see: Boston getting upset and jealous when Nick is with other people)#but physical stuff doesn't need to have the same exclusiveness for him and that's literally fine#idk i just wish that last conversation had been written slightly differently. a couple different wordings could have fixed it all for me#like if Nick had SAID ''i can't do a non-exclusive relationship but i hope you find someone someday who wants that with you''#that would have been fine#not ''i think you should be alone''#idk. just really sat wrong with me#lgbt drama#thai drama#theo.txt#100
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Crazy how i’m not being kissed hard enough to forget everyone who has ever hurt me rn
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#ughhhhhhh#so many things i wish i could get out of my head lately#even for just like a second#sometimes life is just a constant mantra of ‘things will get better eventually’ ad infinum#for over ten years#it is not eventually yet and i hate it so so much#STOP letting me think about my feelings on no sleep it sucks#a relationship would NOT fix me#but god sometimes i want to try it anyway#ignore meeeee#im a mess rn#going THROUGH it#with NO kissing too!!#honestly a rude addition on top of everything else smh#im gay and i like sleeping
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#lyss.vent#ik i’m an adult and everything but like#sometimes i just wish i could be babied#like when things are really tough for me#makes me feel pathetic but if someone were to be like ‘ohhhh my poor little baby :(((( c’mere i’ll take care of you ♡’#and then i could just sit in their lap and cry while they held me#it wouldn’t FIX me but it would make everything a little easier ;^;#like i just wanna feel cute and small and safe yk#fml#i love queue ☆〜（ゝ。∂）
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Me fr rn. Chat I'm so cooked
#exams#screw exams#unrelated but#i wish i could kiss rose tyler#i just think that would fix everything yk#doctor who#tenth doctor#jack harkness#mickey smith#meanwhile on the tardis#ninth doctor#timepetals#amy pond#eleventh doctor#rose tyler
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i am going to pass out
#tonight was an absolute nightmare due to something that was completely an accident we couldnt have predicted but also completely my fault#everythings okay now and there wont be lasting damage or anything its fixed but i just had like three consecutive panic attacks and cried#and im not really sure how to deal with it#ive talked to my friends (those who are. awake.) and called my parents and now im just. lying trying to sleep feeling scared and terrible#i dont. know who to discuss it with or what but its. a mess#this is a situation that none of you could even guess and it doesnt have anything to do with any of my friends or family or relationships#really that ive mentioned so dont speculate but it was. something frightening and i am very shaken#i am a ball of stress and anxiety and i wish i could just chill at all
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Thinking about Wish again (listened to the song) and how insanely neutered the film was.
Remember when killing off Elsa's parents was a huge emotional impact? Remember when Eugene got stabbed? When Wreck-It-Ralph had...take your pick?
What happened to that?
Disney had their gumption back for a minute. Then they--wait, never mind, I figured it out, it's YOU AGAIN.
Right there.
Or a few minutes earlier, rather. When Elsa saves the empty castle and city from being destroyed by the terrible wave created from the destruction of her family's evil legacy. That was it. That, right there.
The sanitization. The reluctance to do anything huge. The moment whatever focus group, whatever executive, looked at the screeing and said "No, take out the destroyed buildings, we can't have a downer ending in this film! The kids will be sad at the sight of buildings falling!", and from that moment on, it was nothing but trash.
#anyway#got that out of my system#wish deserved better and it will forever frustrate me#again it's not a “one thing could have fixed it” movie#but it's also a like...five things would have fixed it#lose the cute star and make him the hot dude#give him a long-range yearning relationship with her make them the Perfect Couple That Can Never Be Together everyone loves that#keep the queen evil and set her up to become the Wicked Queen at the end#get GOOD SONGS#keep the broken dreams broken#and for the love of everything MAKE ASHA THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE#keep the rest of the plot similar just have her slowly realizing that what they're doing with the wishes is wrong#and then have that final battle be a little more brutal#see?#all that?#just do that and your movie would have ruled#but no SELL THE STAR PLUSH#EVERYONE WILL LOVE THE STAR NO MATTER HOW BAD THE MOVIE IS#I have not seen moana 2 maybe I'm full of nonsense
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i just spent ages looking for the post, i swear i posted about it when i broke my beloved fish plate like a year ago, but now he's finally back together! i just have to wait a week or so for the resin to cure , and then i can go in and wipe away the excess gold. even though the process was frustrating and VERY time-consuming and i lost motivation halfway through and let it sit on the shelf unfinished for like 14 months, i'm glad i went to the trouble of learning how to actually kintsugi it with resin and gold instead of rushing it with epoxy and mica powder.
the before pics (freshly broken and after the initial gluing):
#kinda wish i'd gotten pics of him when i'd filled in the voids and done all the coats of resin on top and sanded them down#the different types of resin were different colors and after sanding it had kind of a marbled look#the process basically goes like: filing down sharp edges to create a gap for the gold to show#gluing everything back together with resin mixed with flour and water to make it strong and sticky#filling in the voids with resin mixed with fine sawdust to make it strong (this part took the longest bc you can't put the paste on thickly)#creating a uniform surface with resin mixed with (i think) fine clay powder#creating a smooth finish by alternately painting on layers of pure resin and sanding it down once cured#(the resin will wrinkle if applied too thickly or if it's too humid)#(this is also used to smooth out the rough areas that the resin/clay step couldn't fix)#and finally painting on a final layer of resin and applying gold powder and burnishing it slightly#each layer of resin takes about a week to cure#if my apartment was more humid and if i hadn't lost steam i think this would've taken me... three months#and thats assuming i could work on it every weekend#seriously it's only worth doing if it's a piece you really love#alternatively if you didn't care about looks you could just stop after sticking it together but idk how food safe it would be#ALSO. BIG word of warning.#the uncured resin could give you a really nasty painful rash if you touch it with bare skin#it is not a joke#once it's cured tho it's inert
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hi fam !!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#mikey welsh#ahhh omg :( i just fumbled so bad socially#and i just need to like. never speak again i feel.#and i’m trying to comfort myself because like. my friend started talking badly about me#and said i only use her to vent which makes me sad because i didn’t think that was true and i try to do sm for her#i made physics study guides for her ; compliment her when she posts ; and post her on my story a lot and always wave to her and talk to her#and i dunno. it makes me sad to think that but i can’t help it; you know? i just need to be alone sometimes and not speak to anyone#and it isn’t like i don’t wanna be her friend ; of course i do but like. it just hurts my heart she doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore#and it hurts my heart so bad and i dunno what im meant to do. and yesterday i had a party#and i said a bad joke in front of the wrong people and i just. accidentally embarrassed one of my good friends and i feel so bad#and everyone js went quiet and it’s just. i feel awful and need to be like. beheaded.#and i try to comfort myself like oh it’s okay. today is a new day. but today i feel even worse about it and there’s nothing i can do#to fix this; like on one hand THERES NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MY BLUNDER!!! but on the other hand; there’s nothing i can do and i have left#my imprint in their minds and it’s so bad. i wish i was like. dead or something; yk? like not even weezer can make me feel better and it#sucks so badly . i wish i could just not think anymore and ignore everything in my life. i just hate myself so badly right now ; and i can’t#even be sure that i’m gonna be better cuz i just lack so much social awareness. i wish#i was more socially aware . i just hate when i get too comfortable. i wish i awkwardly sat in the corner and#didn’t speak to anybody the entire night to spare myself from any awkwardness. i hate parties!! i shouldn’t have gone :(#SORRY FOR THR BENT POST I JS NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND LIKE. GET KT OHT YK?#it’s just so. ahhh i hate everything sm rn :( but liek me and the friend joke like that all the time and idk. im just. :( i feel terrible#and i’ve apologized and he said it was okay but embarrassing cuz some ppl looked at him for his reaction#and i dunno. i just feel awful and need to just. focus solely on academics until my brain is fried and i can’t function or something !
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I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again
#Robin processes emotions on main#mghmfph#THE BRAIN GUCK#holy spirit fix me. holy spirit. holy spirit save me#the stupid brain guck man..... I need to move out I need to sleep more I need to. need to be braver#I need to write this new story idea I need to. bury myself in zombie au#my brain's coming up with new ocs and even as I'm doing it I'm going wow these are the ocs of a stressed-out teenager#I'm not a teenager but living with my parents again is making me feel like one I NEED TO MOVE OUT#ANYWAY#everything will be fine I'm just venting#I'm just particularly frustrated with myself today and talking myself through it. I hate feeling selfish. ugh.#I wish I had money for therapy :[#I want to do therapy again. but it's just me my comfort media and the holy spirit against the world right now#also in addition to feeling selfish I'm feeling super isolated#I HAVE NO COMMUNITY no irl community anyway#and living with my parents... makes it. genuinely super hard to try to make community. ugh. again: wish I could move out and get therapy#figure out what I'm DOING figure out people to do it WITH#yeuch that was a lot of gross emotions and thoughts sorry#love you. have a glass of water or something. that's what I'm going to do now#oh also I'm stressed out Today bc parents are having friends over and I don't feel up to it. but I like them. but I just want to sleep#SIGH#okay I'm done for real now
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I am fighting for my life to be mentally stable and it’s not working
#personal*#jess talks#trigger warning cus I’m feeling really low and might vent#but genuinely I want to give up#I don’t want to exist#I feel like a burden and a scrounger#I realised yesterday that everything I have is because of someone else#I haven’t earnt anything for myself or done anything with my life#I complain that I can’t support myself#yet I make no effort to fix that#im scared of my insecurity to do anything#I’m scared I’m not good enough#I’m scared to exist in my own home#it doesn’t feel like my home#I haven’t felt ‘at home’ since before uni#I’ve moved house 6 times in the past 7 years#I never feel secure or safe#and I feel responsible#I wish I could just go get a good paying job and support myself and my family#all I want is my independence back like I had at uni#but even at uni I was living off of a loan I’ll never be able to pay off#my whole existence is a waste#I’m contemplating giving up on my art and business because it’s getting me no where#I might as well give up entirely#I can’t see any positive resolutions in sight and I feel so helpless#but all I’m doing is feeling sorry for myself#my parents are sm worse off than I am currently yet I’m the one having panic attacks and terrified to leave my room??#I’m gonna be 26 still living with my parents achieving nothing for myself#with no relationship experience and not an inclining of self respect#grow up Jess
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#I wish I could find women around me that want children so bad but struggle with their infertility#I find a lot of women on YouTube who are like ‘you’re not alone. I’m with you Mama. your miracle will come’#which does make me feel good and makes me feel less alone#but I wish they were near me too#but I also wish that I wasn’t so afraid of being vulnerable like that with other women who struggle with the same thing#someone there to hold me while I wail on the bathroom floor over the twenty fifth negative pregnancy test#that would’ve been my mom yannow?#I don’t know if I’ll allow myself to let someone else be in that moment with me#just cuz I’m so tired of feeling weak#but a women who knows every emotion I’m going through in that moment#because she’s lived it too…I think that would be nice…at least a little.#I feel like I’m running in circles over and over and over#I can daydream about fake kids with Katsu and Eiji and Ume my whole life#but will it ever be enough?#Ido if I can keep doing this Ollie…#I’m sorry I failed you. I’m just so tired. so so tired.#I’m tired of everything really. I’m tired of fighting and fixing and living and surviving and ‘just getting through it’#god….god I’m so tired.
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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Coming out of a really low period is so rough because now I care if things are clean or where they're supposed to be and!! None of it is!!
I haven't dusted anything in more than a year. Books are just piled on my shelves instead of being properly placed on them. I stuck appliances in convenient locations a year ago and haven't been able to find them since. We bought things for house projects to make our lives easier a year ago and likewise haven't touched them since. I am surrounded by objects in the wrong place and cumulative dust and books of recipes i wanted to try and never did and hobbies i wanted to pick up and couldn't and aghhhhhhh
#i feel like everything stopped progressing and it's so fucking frustrating!#i wish i could be like 'hey I'm good now! everything back to normal please! ' amd then everything would be fixed#we have literal dust storms here you can't just not clean things for that long without consequences#anyways. i have cleaned out my library (literally covered in cobwebs btw. found a dead scorpion behind them)#and tomorrow i guess I'll physically clean it#sigh. i guess i am glad I'm doing it now but ffs#dixeram#like if you're wondering why i fell off the map a bit this last year well. wonder no more
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