#idk i just wish that last conversation had been written slightly differently. a couple different wordings could have fixed it all for me

[rythyme]

really not a fan of boston very explicitly saying "I want to be exclusive romantically but not sexually" only to be told "You're lying to yourself. I think you should be alone."

[lucisfavoritedemon]

Crossed Oceans of Time

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Summary: Y/n always thought her hope was lost till an unexpected call from an old friend has her traveling across time to save the man she thought was once lost in an ocean of time.

Warnings: angst, fluffy fluff, cursing, hopelessness (idk why I make the reader so depressed)

Word Count: 4122

A/N: This is written for @sweeterthanthis Quote Me On It 6k Challenge. The prompt I chose was “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” -Dracula. This story takes place during the events of End Game. I have incorporated the quote into the story. It will be bolded AND italicized. All mistakes are mine. 

Enjoy!

Everything I had seen had been a blur up to this point. My life flashed by so quick I never had a chance to process it all. Originally born in 1922, I never believed I would be able to see the day when technology would thrive. Here I am in 2023, 101 years later seeing the miracle of technology. 

I am a super soldier. One of the first experiments before Steve Rogers, aka Captain America. I volunteered myself to Dr. Erskine's experimentation, so he could develop a better, more safe serum. 

I fought by Rogers' side in many battles, including the one that would take his best friend. There is something you do not know though, of me and Sergeant Barnes. 

I had fallen for him. Not just a usual school girl crush, no. It was full blown love. Like my body had been struck by lightning the moment I laid eyes on him. 

I could sit and talk for hours about Bucky, and how much he meant to me, but that would be pointless. Bucky was gone and yet I couldn't move on. Something was keeping my heart from finding love again. 

Steve and I fought one last time together to defeat Red Skull. We thought it was the end for us, that we would be with Bucky again, but fate is a cruel mother thing. Oddly enough, the serum in our veins stopped our bodies from dying. It preserved us and helped us stay alive. 

When I woke up, all I remembered was crashing the ship. I had no recollection of anything else after. That's when we found out we were in the year 2012. For 70 years we were on ice. Poor Steve was heartbroken about Peggy, and I couldn't help but wish I was with Bucky. 

Time flew by like it was nothing, and all I felt I did was stand still and watch it go by. Steve and I had parted ways after we got back. I was hired to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. which I didn’t mind till in 2014 it all came crashing down. Almost quite literally. S.H.I.E.L.D. had HYDRA growing right under its nose. I was again left alone with nothing but a shattered heart.

Nick Fury tried to help me get back onto my feet but I wanted nothing to do with him, or anyone anymore. I was too heartbroken to even think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I really just wanted my Bucky back. That’s all I could ever ask of the world. 

Five years ago, something happened. I felt like my life had fallen apart again. All the friends I had attempted to make, all disappeared. I wasn’t the only one who lost people they loved and cared for. I finally felt maybe other people out there were feeling the same way I did.

Here in 2023, I have been without the love of my life for almost 80 years. I kept asking why I got to live while he was taken from the world so soon. I never got the answer to that rhetorical question, asked to no one in particular. That was till I got a peculiar call from an unknown number. I answered it hoping it would be the reaper I hoped to be greeted by to take me to the love of my life.

“Y/n?” It was a voice I hadn’t heard in almost a decade. One I thought I’d probably never hear again either.

“Steve.” I sounded cheery for once since I had been out of the ice.

“Hey. How are you doing? I know it’s been years since we talked, but I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a drive? Just you and me.” He asked, and I could tell he was smiling some on the other end.

“That sounds lovely, Steve. I’ve been hanging in there. Since S.H.I.E.L.D. and the whole HYDRA thing, I’ve just been laying low.”

“Where are you living now?” Steve queried.

“I’m living in Brooklyn actually. In my old neighborhood. 

“You used to live in Brooklyn before the war?”

“Yep. I actually lived above the antique shop. You know the one.”

“Yeah. I didn’t know we lived so close, yet we never met you till Erskine introduced us.”

“Yeah. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel the way I do now…” I sounded melancholy.

“I’m not too far from where you are. Meet where the antique shop used to be. We can talk more then, I have something I think you would love to hear.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you there.” I said, and hung up quickly. I knew there was nothing he could have told me that would make me jump for joy. He couldn’t say anything that would make my smile come back. It was gone, and faded with time.

I met him where that antique shop used to be, and I could almost picture it all. The cobblestone streets, the kids playing baseball, the world used to be a different place back then. It’s not like it was anymore, and I wish that it kind of was. 

“Hey.” Steve smiled, walking up to me.

“Hi.” I gave a small smile, but he could tell I had sadness written all over my face.

“What’s wrong?” Concern spread across his face.

“Nothing. This is just how I smile now.”

“Whoever took away your beautiful, contagious smile is going to pay.”

“Time took my smile away.”

“”Come on. I want to talk to you about something.” His smile grew wider as he led me to his car. 

He opened the door for me, and I climbed in. I buckled up as he climbed into the driver’s seat. We headed out of the city, down the countryside. The scenery was beautiful, but I still couldn’t bring myself to start a conversation.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I have been for 11 years. What’s 40 more gonna do right?” I gave an extremely sad smile.

“Is this about Bucky?”

“There were so many times in my life where we could have met. Maybe just a year longer with him, and I would be able to move on, or maybe not. I was in love with him, Steve. The way I felt the night we first met, it was like everything in my life finally made sense. I felt like I had a purpose.”

“He’s actually the reason I wanted to talk to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was alive. I need your help getting him back.”

“What do you mean? That’s impossible. We both watched him die.”

“Remember when all those men were captured from the 107th, including Bucky, back in ‘43?”

“Yeah, and we went to rescue them.”

“Bucky was experimented on by Armin Zola. Turned into a super soldier himself.”

“Okay and?”

“Whatever Zola did to him, it helped him survive the fall.”

“So what I’m understanding is, you knew he was alive this entire time, and you’re just now telling me about it?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I need your help getting him back now.”

“Okay. You keep saying that, but if he is alive, why would we need to get him back?”

“Remember 5 years ago when half the earth’s population just vanished?”

“Yeah?”

“Bucky was part of that half.”

“And you think we can get him back?”

“I think we can bring back all the life lost 5 years ago. It requires us going back in time though.”

“Time travel? You’re promising time travel in a time where we thought flying cars were going to be a thing.”

“It’s possible though. We’ve tested it, and everything is up and working. We have all the dates in order, we just need the man power.”

“Alright, if it means bringing Bucky back, I’ll do it.”

“Thank you.”

Steve drove us to a huge building practically in the middle of nowhere. There I was greeted by a group of people, one of which I recognized from a brief meeting years ago. The others I didn’t know. I mean one man looked oddly familiar, but I could quite put my finger on where I had seen him before.

“Everyone, this is Y/n. She is an old friend of mine.” Steve introduced me.

“I may be old, but I sure don’t feel like it.”

“Join the club.” Steve chuckled.

“I’m Natasha. We met briefly in D.C. a few years back.” The woman I had recognized approached.

“Yes, I remember you. It’s nice to officially meet you on slightly good terms. While not being utterly terrified by a man with a metal arm.” I smiled slightly, trying to imagine how it would feel to see Bucky once more.

“So how do you two know each other?” The man that I swore looked familiar, spoke up.

“Steve and I fought together during the war.”

“Does that mean she also knew Barnes?” The man questioned.

“Yes. She did. In fact they were together for two years before HYDRA took him.”

“How does he know about Bucky?” I asked, growing concerned.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’m Tony Stark by the way.” The man spoke up, and everything was now coming together.

“I knew you looked familiar to me somehow. You look just like your father.”

“Yeah, well, join the club with everyone who says that.” Tony sounded irritated.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Y/n, it’s alright.” Steve spoke up before Tony could say anything.

He could probably tell I was freaking out. My goal was to help, not make things worse. I could tell by just opening my mouth, I was doing just that. Steve started to rub my back to calm me down.

“Is everything okay?” Natasha asked.

“She’s been through a lot. She didn’t even know Bucky was alive until a couple hours ago.” Steve replied.

“For so long I wished that something would happen so I could be back in his arms again. Now, I have a chance to see him again, and not in the afterlife. He is the man of my dreams, the love of my life. I have never felt this way about anyone before, and the fact that I have tried to move on, but couldn't just shows that I truly did love him.”

“Does she know about him?” Tony asked.

“Not about that. She doesn’t need to know.” Steve stated sternly.

“Know about what? Steve? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Stark, I agree with Steve. If she knew about him, her opinion of him may change.” Natasha interjected.

“She deserves to know the man she loved then will not be the man she is getting back.”

“What are you all going on about?”

“Barnes was the man with the metal arm you spoke of.” Tony blurted out.

“You’re wrong. Bucky would never hurt anyone. He was someone who put others before himself. He would never kill anyone.”

Steve just gave an angry look to Tony. I didn’t know who to believe. Natasha just gave me an apologetic look. I couldn’t read anyone, they all seemed to look angry or apologetic, and I didn;t know who to believe.

“Maybe the Barnes you knew wouldn’t, but over 70+ years, people change.” Tony stated before walking inside.

“Steve? Was Bucky really the man with the metal arm? If he was, I want to know. It won’t change how I feel. I just need to know, so I can help him when he comes back.”

“Yes. He was what the world knew as the Winter Soldier. He isn;t like that anymore. I promise, but he is broken and traumatized from what HYDRA did to him.”

“Understandable. Now let’s go get him and everyone else back.” I smiled, and walked inside. I didn’t have to fake one anymore. I was just happy that I finally had the chance to see Bucky again. That maybe seeing each other again could mend our souls a little bit.

Steve led me to a room where he told me to suit up. I threw on the suit laid out for me, and met the others on the main level. Steve handed me two little vials which he told me would help take me where I needed to be. He told me I was to stay with him to make sure nothing happened to me. I was perfectly okay with that.

We were all ready to find these stones. Steve showed me a picture of the stones him, Tony, Scott, and I were to be getting. I just wanted to get this over with, to be with Bucky once more. I have waited a long time for this moment, and I just couldn’t wait any longer. 

“Everyone ready?” Bruce asked.

“See you guys in a minute.” Natasha smiled.

We all shrunk down, and our groups went separate ways. I made sure to not lose sight of Steve as we landed in our desired time. We all started walking the tattered streets of New York City, and I knew where we had landed.

“Banner, you find the time stone, Stark and Lang, you two get the tesseract. I’ll get the scepter.” Steve directed.

“What about me?” I asked, curious what my task would be.

“You are staying right here. We’ll all meet right back here once we have secured our items.”

“Why am I here then if you don’t need me?”

“In case things go south.”

I roll my eyes, “fine. I’ll stay here.”

“Thank you.”

They all walk off, and I stay put where they told me to. I listen to them talking on comms to each other. They were pretty entertaining if I was being honest. That was until they started saying they lost the tesseract. Things looked hopeless now.

“What are we gonna do now? The tesseract is gone, and we don’t have any more of the capsules.” Scott paced.

“I have an extra capsule that will get me where I want to be. Please let me do this Steve?”

“Fine. I think I have an idea where you might be going. Just be careful okay?” He hands me something, “put it in here when you grab it.”

“I will. I promise I’ll be careful. I’ll see you guys when I have aquired the tesseract.” I smile.

I plug in the time and date that I wanted, and shrunk down traveling back to January 1945. The day Steve and I put the plane in the water. I remember seeing Red Skull holding it that day, right before he disappeared actually. Maybe that’s what Steve meant by ‘be careful’.

I headed straight to the hanger, and climbed inside. I hid until I knew it was safe to come out. Which meant waiting till Red Skull took off. I waited for Steve, and I to start fighting Red Skull. I came out and prepared to grab the tesseract. I had the special case Steve handed me before I left.

When Red Skull disappeared, and Steve and I went to man the ship, I grabbed the tesseract. I plugged in the date to head back, and shrunk down again, heading back to the correct timeline. I arrived as everyone else returned as well. I looked around to make sure everyone was there, but one person was missing.

“Clint, where’s Nat?” Bruce asked, looking at Clint.

“Barton, where is she?” Tony asked, being more stern.

“She’s gone...it should have been me.” He sounded so sad. I felt for him. I knew how it felt to lose someone I cared so much about.

They all gathered by the water mourning Natasha’s sacrifice. I let them have their moment. It wasn’t my place to be with them while they grieved. It just didn’t seem right, or fair to them. I sat in the lab waiting for them to come back, and assemble the gauntlet.

Steve walked in and sat next to me, “how did it go?”

“It went well. It was weird seeing Red Skull and you, and me. I think I managed well though. Why did you give me an extra capsule?”

“I figured you would go and help us, then I’d let you go and be with Bucky. Get the time you lost back.”

“That makes no sense if I lose him in the end anyways.”

“Maybe part of me hoped you would change his fate. That way you never lost him. You would never have to know what it was like to lose him.”

“That’s really sweet of you Steve, but I don’t think that would be right. For me or him.”

“I understand. I just want you to know that your pain hasn’t gone unnoticed.”

“I’m glad it hasn’t, but I really wish you knew how much I needed you too. I didn’t just miss Bucky, you were my friend too.”

“I know, but you haven’t been the same since you thought he died. You have been more closed off, you don’t smile, or laugh like you used to. I just want you to be happy again. I want to see that beautiful smile, and hear your contagious laugh once more.”

“You will again one day. Right now though, you need to help the others make this gauntlet.” I gave a half smile before moving out of the way so the others could do their job.

I sat outside with my eyes closed. Just waiting for someone to walk up to me and make sure I was okay. The light from the sun was dimmed like a shadow moved in front of me. I smiled before opening my eyes, thinking that Steve, or maybe Bucky, was standing in front of me. When I looked, I saw something that looked like a meteor heading right for the building.

I tried to run inside, but it was too late. The ball, or cannon, or whatever had already hit the building. I wiggle my way out from under the debris, but I could tell I had a pretty severe wound on my abdomen. I tried to call out to someone, but I got no response. I hoped that everyone was alright. 

I finally was able to stand up, and walked outside. There I saw Thor standing, and watching someone. I walked over to him, putting pressure on my side to make sure I stopped the bleeding. That’s when I saw Steve walking up to him too.

“What’s he doing?” Steve asked, looking where Thor was looking.

“He’s just sitting there.” Thor responded. “He doesn’t have the gauntlet right?”

“Not that I can see.”

“Let’s keep it that way.” Steve said, walking over to me.

“Who is that guy?” I asked, looking confused.

“That’s Thanos. He’s the reason half the earth’s population disappeared 5 years ago.”

“Did he figure out what we were planning?”

“It’s not the same Thanos. The one from our time, Thor killed him.” Steve said, walking over to him.

“I used to think that destroying half the planet's life would be good enough, but the other half that stuck around seems to be ungrateful. Looks like I may have to destroy this world, and create a new one, one that will be grateful for the world I have provided.”

That’s when Thor charged at Thanos, and the fight began. Tried to fight as much as I could, but I was losing more and more blood every second. I ran at him, thinking he was going to hurt Steve, but he stopped me and threw me against some rubble. I attempted to get up, but the pain was too much to fight anymore.

I watched as Steve prepared to fight by himself. I wish I had the strength to stand up and fight next to him. I just couldn’t bear the pain anymore. That’s when I heard a voice over comms that sounded kind of familiar. 

“Cap, can you read me. On your left.” The voice said, and these vortex-like things opened up, and out walked three people.

Steve turned to me, and saw that I was on the ground. He reached his hand out to me, and I took it, standing up. He smiled at me, and prepared to fight. That’s when armies of people walked through these vortexes. I stayed close to Steve, finding comfort in the one person I knew fairly well. 

“You okay?” He asked.

“I’ll be okay. I just want this douchebag dead. He took Bucky away, and now he wants to destroy the entirety of planet earth. He deserves what’s coming to him.” 

Steve smiled, “you really haven’t changed a bit. More depressed than what I remember, but your attitude is still the same.” He chuckled lightly.

I giggled, and prepared to fight to the end. I didn’t care if I died, I just wanted Steve and Bucky to live. Steve stood at the front of the army he was leading, perhaps into our last battle. I was ready to do anything. I had found my hidden strength to keep fighting till I physically couldn’t keep fighting anymore. That was quicker to come than I thought. I knew I was losing a lot of blood, but I didn’t know how quickly. Turns out when Thanos threw makeup against the rubble, I created an even bigger wound. 

Only a few minutes into the now fair fight, I started to get really dizzy. I tried to grab a hold of someone before I fell, but there was no one around me. I hit the ground and I was out for the count.

~*~

I don’t know how long I had been out for, or if I was still even alive. To my surprise, and Steve’s happiness, I was.

“Hey there sweetheart.” Steve smiled, gripping my hand tightly.

“Did we win?” Of course that would be my first question. It was the first question I asked when we came out of the ice.

He chuckled, but his look turned sad, “we won, but we lost at the same time.”

“What do you mean? Did he snap them away again?” My heart was pounding in my chest. The fear painted across my face.

“No. Everyone who disappeared is back, but Tony...he snapped Thanos and his army away, but he didn’t make it.” Steve gave me an extremely sad look.

I squeezed his hand, not even paying attention to the fact someone had just walked into the room. I didn’t even notice the person till Steve looked over to them, and got up. I couldn’t quite tell who it was because where they were standing was kind of dark. That and my eyes were fully adjusted yet, but I could tell they were tall and well built, they also had semi-long hair.

“Go on. She’s been waiting.” Steve spoke up, seeing me stare at them.

The person came closer, and I was met with their mesmerizing blue eyes. I smiled at them as they came over to sit down. He seemed closed off, or just really shy. I couldn’t quite get a read on him for whatever reason. 

“Hey.” He gave a very small smile, almost shy.

“Hey.” I smile more. 

“I’ve missed that smile.” Steve spoke up.

I giggled, “well it’s thanks to you that I feel like I can be happy again.”

The man sitting next to me just looked down. I put my hand out for him to take. He grabbed it very gently. It was colder than I thought it would be. I looked down, and saw a metal hand. He tried to pull away, but I gripped his hand tight.

“You’re not scared?” He asked.

“Because I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” I smile wide, bringing his hand to my lips, kissing it gently.

Steve smiled, “you knew it was him the whole time didn’t you?”

“Of course. Those eyes are unforgettable, and his voice is unmistakable.” I felt the hand around mine tighten, and his smile got bigger.

“I’ve missed you doll. I’ve missed you so much.” Bucky spoke.

“I missed you too. I never thought that I would ever see you again.”

We stared lovingly at each other for a while. Enjoying just taking in the fact that he was back into my life. That I had him back. That the best thing that ever happened to me was back. It was the best feeling in the world, one that I thought I would never be able to feel again. I finally felt like my heart had been put back together, and Bucky held the mold in his hands.

[liebegott]

Ya know a lil post war Lieb where you’re married but he’s flirting with you would really water my crops... bonus if he says the word titties hehe ~ twin

Bell Peppers & Balconies. | Joseph Liebgott

(click here to read on wattpad)

REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OPEN!

pairing: liebgott x fem!reader

wc: 1.7k

tw: none except he mentions titties so idk oops!

a/n: ahh i’m so sorry, for some reason, when i wrote this, my eyes completely focused on the titties line instead of the married line! so i accidentally wrote them not married. i’m so sorry 🥺 huge thanks to @vintagelavenderskies who reminded me that stargazing existed!

this is probably my favourite oneshot i’ve ever written, so i hope you enjoy it! thank you all for reading. 💓

tagging: @floydtab @alienoresimagines @order-of-river-phoenix @julianneday1701 @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant @wexhappyxfew @rarmiitage @mavysnavy @punkgeekchic @vintagelavenderskies @georgeluzwarmhugs @ray--person @wecomrades @jussipogideonlaufeyson @happyveday @snafus-peckuh @little-babydolly @kathikon

feel free to message me if you’d like to be added to my taglist!

***

Water splashed against your foot, the contents of your watering can spilling onto the balcony under yours. You quietly cursed, stepping aside and rushing to turn off the faucet. It was like any other day, summer just around the corner, and as usual, you tended to your small garden, a couple of planter boxes fastened to the railing of your balcony. 

It was 1945. The war had just ended, and though everything was normal for a while now, the difference soldiers coming home made was striking. You had moved to San Francisco right after most of the men shipped out, so their return made a difference to everyone but you.

With summer rolling in, you worried about your bell peppers that had started sprouting. It was rarely bright and sunny where you lived, but your small apartment faced south, allowing your tiny, makeshift backyard to receive as much sunlight as possible for your vegetables.

You lived in a corner apartment, and the apartment beside yours was empty, so your floor was quiet, noise coming only from the bustle of the streets below. Today was no different. 

Or so you thought.

“You water them any more and they’ll drown,” a voice said to you, and for a moment, you thought you had hallucinated. On the balcony beside yours stood a skinny man, still in his military uniform, leaning on the railing. “I’m serious, that’s way too much water.”

Tilting your watering can, you placed it on a wooden stool, surveying the damage. It was one of your bad habits- getting so lost in thought, staring off into the distance. It was a surprise any of your vegetables had grown at all. 

“Oops,” you said sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck, “They’ll be fine.. I hope.” The man chuckled, the sound of his laugh so clear despite the honking of the traffic on the streets under you. 

He leaned down on the railing on his elbows, taking out a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it in such swift movements. You never liked smoking, hated the smell of cigarettes, but briefly, as you watched him exhale, you loved it. The man saw you eye him from his peripherals and turned to you, throwing you a wink.

“I hope so too,” he mumbled, flicking spent ashes to the ground below, “Can’t have spaghetti without tomatoes can we? Those are tomatoes aren’t they?” 

You shook your head gently. “No, bell peppers. My tomatoes didn’t grow,” a frown appeared on your face and the man clucked his tongue. He moved in his place, resting on his back on the warm metal to face you. “Did you just get back?” You cursed yourself in your head for such a stupid question, as he was in fact, still in his hat.

The man nodded absentmindedly, taking another drag from his cigarette and exhaling before speaking. “Yep, just moved in as well,” he smiled kindly, the smile-lines around his mouth deepening, “Glad my ‘ma chose this apartment.”

Turning back towards the horizon, you sighed happily. “It has the best view,” you replied, “You’re really lucky.”

“I sure am,” the man grinned, but his eyes remained trained on her, “I’ve got a pretty neighbour with bell peppers as well.” You couldn’t fight the blush appearing on your cheeks. 

“Would you like to come over for dinner?” you suddenly blurted out, surprising the both of you, you a little more. He seemed pleased, flicking away his cigarette and watching it drop to the ground. 

Rubbing his hands together, he walked closer to his balcony ledge, a smirk on his face. “That’s a surprise,” he said, your cheeks heating up once more, “I was just about to ask you the same thing. Except, I don’t have any furniture.”

“Ask me then,” you said, unsure where this boldness was coming from. He was a complete stranger, and you had only been speaking for a few minutes. 

The man chuckled again, and you wish he wouldn’t stop this time, the sound sweet in your ears. “What’s your name?” he asked, a twinkle in his eye.

“Y/N.”

He smiled, and you curled a strand of hair behind your ear. “Well, Y/N,” he began, leaning in as close as the gap between your balconies would allow, “Would you like to have dinner with me?”

———

Fidgeting, you gently brought your knuckles to the door and knocked. You heard shuffling inside before he swung the door wide open, a large grin on his face. “You really came,” Joe breathed a sigh of relief, puzzling you.

“Of course I did,” you said matter-of-factly, “I’m literally four steps away.” He ushered you into his bare apartment and looked around, slightly embarrassed. Joe looked different out of his uniform, without a cigarette, and without any furniture.

He looked like a young man, not the confident one he had introduced himself as on his balcony. You weren’t sure which version of him you liked more.

“I made food,” you smiled at him, lifting a warm bowl of pasta, “No tomatoes. It's bell pepper and cream though, if that’s okay with you.” 

He whistled. “You made something too? I swear I was joking about the spaghetti,” Joe laughed, a smile growing on your face as well, “But thank you. I really appreciate it.”

Leading you through the sparse living areas, which only had his suitcase and a mattress on the floor, Joe’s face reddened. “Haven’t gotten the chance to buy furniture,” he gave you a lopsided grin, “But I promise, the next time you come over, I’ll at least have a couch you can sit on.”

Everything he said came out so easily, and yet every word made you blush. Stepping onto the small balcony, your heart skipped yet another beat. 

Joe had placed down blankets and pillows on the metal floor. You looked up at him, your eyes wide. “This is amazing, Joe,” you breathed. And it truly was, despite how simple the whole thing was. 

He settled himself down on a pillow, patting the one beside him for you to sit as well. You placed the bowl down between you, taking out plates and forks. From where you were seated, you could see the whole San Francisco skyline, the sky pink as the sun slowly hid for the evening.

“Well,” he began, a wide grin on his face, “I had a beautiful girl comin’ over. I figured I’d have to impress her even without furniture.”

There he went again, with each word, crawling his way into your heart. “Good job, Sergeant Liebgott,” you winked at him, “You can consider me impressed.”

“Oh boy,” he piped, facing heavenward, “Being called Sergeant has never sounded so good.” You no longer fought back a smile, your heart feeling warm as you scooped up some pasta for him.

The two of you sat there, and once the food was finished, your stomachs both full, you and Joe peeked through the railings to see who could spot the number of cabs that passed by first. Joe eventually got tired of losing, despite you knowing his eyes were far more observant than yours-- you realised later on he was letting you win.

Leaning back down against the glass sliding door, a pillow between the two of you, you both watched the night sky, illuminated by the bright lights of Mainstreet. Joe was easy to talk to, your conversations ranging from his family to before the war. You were apprehensive, skirting around the edges of his actual time in Europe, but learned a thing or two about the men he served with.

“It's always bright here, is it?” he mumbled after a moment of comfortable silence between the two of you. You looked at him to see him gazing towards the darkened sky, his face blank. You nodded, not saying anything. “It was never really ever completely dark in Belgium either.”

You knew of the ‘Battered Bastards of Bastogne,’ almost everyone did. But you never realised the man beside you, so young and so alive, had been one of them. “What was it like?” you asked him, your voice quiet and unsure. 

He turned to look at you and gave you a reassuring smile-- ask me, his eyes seemed to say. “Sometimes it’d be so dark, you wouldn’t be able to see your hands in front of you,” Joe said, extending his arms in front of him to glance at his hands, “And then a light will pierce through the sky. You’d see it through the trees, and hear a high-pitched whistle.” 

You tried to imagine everything he was saying, looking up at the sky and pretending you were surrounded by a canopy of trees. Joe put a hand on your shoulder and shook his head. “Then when it’d come down, you’ll force yourself to think of a reason to stay alive,” he finished, his eyes trained on you, yet looking somewhere else, somewhere far. Belgium.

Cupping his cheek gently, you whispered, “What reasons did you give yourself?”

“My family,” he sighed, shutting his eyes, leaning into your touch, “But also the idea of driving my cab around again. Meeting a girl with soft titties and a smile to die for. All the little Liebgotts we’d make.” Joe said the last sentence with a cheeky smile, no malice, and you pat his cheek gently, pulling away. You eventually learned Joe had the capability to make everything sad happy again. 

Both falling once more in a comfortable silence, the night drew nearer, and you realised you had to go. Standing at the door, your own just a few steps away, a strange feeling of sadness surrounded you. “Thank you for tonight,” you forced a smile.

Joe tapped your nose once. “Don’t frown,” he grinned, and you couldn’t help but grin as well, “We can have dinner again, this time. I’ll cook.”

“I sure hope it isn’t one of the stews you guys had in the forest you were telling me about.”

Joe feigned offence, a hand on his chest. “You’re missing out, I swear,” he scrunched his eyebrows together, “The bones give a real nice crunch.” You let out a laugh, your voice echoing through the quiet hall. You waved him goodnight, taking a few steps to your own apartment, and turning the key. 

“And Y/N,” he called, and you turned to see him, his eyes soft as he leaned on the doorway, “Finally met the girl.” 

You were wrong, sneaking a glance down at your chest. Today was definitely different.

[jonathanrook]

legally i have to give you intern 2

em you have awoken an ungodly beast inside me so i need to warn everyone that this post is. incomprehensible. but so is mymusic so i guess we're all used to it.

How I feel about this character:

i watched mymusic as it was airing/running/coming out specifically bc i'm a jack stannie, and as a kid melvin was my second favorite character (w scene being in first, obvs) for mostly that reason. he basically hovered around this ranking until my most recent rewatch in the summer of 2020, which was actually spurred by some events in my personal life that vaguely reminded me of scene's season two arc w jeff, and i thought it'd been a funny/nostalgic way to get my mind off things.

(i want to side note here that -- i know you didn't ask, but -- i love jeff. i have since i was a kid. like, obviously not as a person but i think he's honestly the best written character in the series, w indie close in second. idk what it says about the f*nes that their most interesting and well rounded characters are the villains, but i digress. to this day i'm salty that jeff never got added to the theme song and wasn't really included in promotional merch.)

however, in said rewatch, certain things about how he was written started to really get under my skin, and certain moments in particular have really stuck out to me in a negative way. like, for the entirety of season one and a good chunk of season two he's one person, and then he leaves mymusic and we have an entirely different person, but not in a nuanced character building sort of way.

i've said a few of these points before but i'll repeat them here regardless. at the risk of sounding like i've put on a tin-foil hat, it's my sneaking suspicion that scindie was supposed to be endgame, but since fan reception to it was pretty neutral, and scenechart stans were, at the very least, more vocal, changes were made to the intended finale, which is why in the last scene he's basically just. indie. like, if everything about the show was exactly the same but indie was the one who had ended up w scene in the end that would have made so much more sense since a) scene had a crush on indie that he/everyone knew about and b) indie was kind of a dick despite the half-assed attempts at redemption, so both combined make it slightly less weird/out-of-nowhere that he kisses her w/o her consent (since, even though like. implied consent is not real at worst and a fuzzy subject at best but you could argue that scene would want indie to kiss her); and this isn't even taking into consideration that c) melvin is heavily queer-coded in both seasons, with his friendship with nerdcore being, dare i say, homoerotic at times, and his arc about leaving the company and changing his name mirroring nerdcore's almost perfectly (with nerdcore being a character who b*nny [at least] has all but confirmed is actually gay).

i've also been on the fence about melvin's behavior in that final scene making more sense for indie's character being an intentional decision as a way of shoe-horning in a theme about the lasting effects of abuse/cycles of abuse/the corruption of power but i also don't think the f*nes are smart enough for that. however, for the sake of defending my straw theory, i also point to the scene where indie comes to visit the acid factory after melvin told him to shut up, and we see melvin use reggie as a foot-stool, going as far as to say that it feels good to do so (which, in all honesty, i think is a bit that was entirely improvised, since the f*nes were "notorious for never saying cut" [paraphrased from a bts video], but work w me here). he's also given a seltzer mug that perfectly resembles indie's kombucha mug. in these moment melvin is directly emulating the behavior of his previous abuser, purposefully or not, literal moments after being promoted to an equal position of authority, which was totally just included as a joke, but could also be argued is meant to show that he's becoming indie; or, if we acknowledge that the f*nes have no fucking clue what they're doing and were just directing like chickens with their heads cut off, it at least shows that melvin's new position of power is leading him to understand where indie was coming from, which is supported by their conversation in the finale.

the following contains a couple brief mentions of irl sexual assault so if that's something you'd like to avoid skip to the next section!

HOWEVER, that alone isn't what i have a problem with, since i think melvin is completely justified in being a dick to indie (and also reggie enthusiastically consents to being used as an ottoman so good for him i guess). the issue comes completely in how he treats scene in the scenes where the f*nes clearly thought what they were writing was super romantic. like, the fact that the only thing he's got hung on his cubicle wall is a single picture of scene taken from the fucking opening credits (like. how hard would it have been to have. literally any other photo[s] esp since there's an abundance of cute bts pics of the cast in costume that could have been put there) and him scrolling through her twitter at work really creep me out (and at the risk of oversharing the weird, like, social media stalking angle really fucks w me bc that may or may not have been the exact fucking thing i was trying to escape in rewatching mymusic in the first place). also, having him sexually assault scene as a means of comforting her after she had just been sexually assaulted in the same way by someone else was... a choice (which is also, uh, personally familiar).

again, i recognize that demonizing melvin wasn't what the f*nes were trying to do here, and i perhaps seem hypocritical for opening liking jeff, but what makes jeff work is he's intentionally "the bad guy." having melvin do the same things as indie and jeff uncritically only proves further that the f*nes can't write for shit, and ruins his character which had, up until he quit mymusic, been unironically good. like, it's obviously not beneficial that the exact asshole things he does are personally triggering, but the character would still be a mess and i would still dislike him regardless.

i want to say though that jack delivers a surprisingly great performance despite how shoddily his character is constructed and how little experience he has as an actor. like, it's clear he was having a lot of fun on set and i would love to see him in something, like, good; i think he could pull off even like, guest television roles, which is a lot more than can be said for other youtubers.

-----

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

nerdchart should have been canon i'm sorry. i know that close, nonromantic male friendships are valuable, esp between queer men, but also gd wouldn't it have been baller to have a canon interracial mlm ship. like. c'mon. and they could have been such a good friends to lovers story! we already got to see how melvin was the only person nerdcore could really be himself around so it would have been so cool if melvin's self-advocacy arc/flowchart arc had revolved more around nerdcore with a little role-reversal! and then they kiss! like god intended!

also i ship him and indie bc i'm a grubby little gremlin man ohoho. enemies w weird sexual tension? sign me up. not even enemies to lovers i'm not saying this one should have been canon i just love the vibes. do you think melvin and indie ever explored each other's bod-- *gunshot*

-----

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

i wish him and scene had just been bros. god remember in season one when they were just bros that was the life.

alternatively, i wish we'd seen more bonding w him and metal, as a means of reconciling that. uh. moment from season one. along similar lines i would have loved to see him get closer w rayna in a similar way to how she bonded w nerdcore in season two. i think that could have also worked to show how she'd grown between the two seasons.

-----

My unpopular opinion about this character:

HIM. AND. SCENE. SHOULD. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. BROS. (though i think my general dislike of him is pretty unpopular, lmao).

when the show was coming out i don't think it's unfair to say that scenechart/scenetern 2 was the most popular ship (aside from potentially techstep whatever) but luckily we're all gay and have better taste now. unfortunately i totally fell into this camp and scenechart was even my otp for years (until it was arguably more unfortunately usurped by reddie in 2019) and i didn't even realise that it's a hot mess until, again, the summer of 2020.

when actually watching the show the choices the f*nes made in regards to how the ship actually became canon are so odd and out of place, too? okay, so, on one hand everyone just shipped scenechart bc it was the whitest hettiest ship in the show (esp in season two when idol left) aside from scindie (and we already discussed what's wrong w that). but, on the other hand, lainey and jack clearly also just got along? and i suspect that lainey probably also admired jack's work and was happy to be working with him bc we have so many shots throughout even the first season when the ship wasn't the intended endgame of lainey scene looking really fondly at jack melvin at times when it doesn't make much sense at all, esp since she's smitten w indie? this trend continues into the second season which arguably works but it still seems really out of place for him to be the one to ultimately make the first move on her since it's clear she was the one crushing this whole time and also he's gay! this bitch is gay what the fuck!!

-----

One thing I wish had happened with this character in canon:

at this point i'm struggling to think of anything i haven't covered yet. oops.

i've talked at length before about how he should have been a woman/lesbian, but the tl;dr is that it would have solved a lot of the queer-coding "problems" that just didn't get resolved in the show. if he'd been a lesbian then not only would the friendship w nerdcore still made sense, but scenechart would have as well (not even mentioning that both of scene's other relationships w men make a lot of sense as comphet anyway).

[crimsonbluemoon]

6, 3, 7 H2OVanoss! You know me heh ( •ॢᴗ•ॢ⋈)

Ahhh Owlbun! So I hope this fits the perimeters of a cute-meet cause I don’t know if it does but I think it does? Idk, its cute, please enjoy this mess of a story. >.> It’s a diff style than I normally do, but….hope it works out!

AU: Coffee shopTrope: Meet cutePrompt: “You had no idea, did you?”

Pairing: H2O Vanoss

If Evan was being honest, he hadn’t expected the chalkboard wall at his coffee shop to make much of a difference. The Owl Cafe was a staple in the community, and he had an okay group of regulars that liked to come in and check out his new blends on the daily. There were ones he knew by name, like the 6 year old girl Momo who loved Brian’s hot chocolate, or the late-night writer Kryoz who always seemed to appear when the place was deserted. Some regulars he didn’t catch names for, so he titled them as he saw fit; Runner man, vlogger teen, cute sweatshirt guy. All had their place in his cafe, which was steady in its sales. He wasn’t rolling in cash, but it was enough to pay Brock and Brian, so he felt that he was doing alright. 

The chalkboard had been something of a whim. A friend when he was younger had a wall in his bedroom with chalkboard paint that Evan had always enjoyed drawing on before bed. When he’d bought the cafe two years ago, he hadn’t really remembered the fun times he had scribbling across the bedroom wall. He was too focused on payments and attracting customers to stroll down memory lane. That had changed three months ago when bumping into Lui, the two speaking about their times as a child. The wall came up, of course, and Evan couldn’t let the memory go for days after. Lots of his customers had children, and college kids were always quick to bore when waiting for coffee. So one night, after a really good week at the shop, Evan went out and bought the paint in order to make his wall next to the waiting area a drawing board. 

The result was amazing; people loved coming by and adding their own doodles to the wall, filling it with different styles of art or funny sayings. There were always the punks who tried to draw dicks or write derogatory marks, but street justice tended to stop the crimes far quicker than Evan or his friends picked up on them. Evan enjoyed looking at the board at the end of the night, seeing what secrets it held from the customers he served. He tried to guess who drew what, or where each blurb of inspiration writing came from. Was the struggling mother of three the one who drew the calm beach? Did the preppy college girl express her darker thoughts in the corner of the board? Or was that old couple who shared a coffee really sweet enough to write their 70th anniversary with a heart around it? All of the pieces of the board was a collection of minds, hearts, and souls, and the nights didn’t feel complete for the shop owner without gazing at them in appreciation.  

His favorite part was the confessions; like an anonymous message board, people left words of secrecy every day. Evan felt it was a safe way for customers to express themselves without having to reveal their identity, and so far he hadn’t gotten any confessions that worried him. Brock always enjoyed reading the romantic ones where someone would claim their love for a friend, an ex, or a person they could never have. Brian’s favorites were the weird claims; he made Evan keep the ‘I like smelling feet’ confession up for three days. Evan couldn’t really say he had a type he sought out, because all of them were fun to read. If anything, he liked taking in the handwriting of the confessions, seeing whose were quaking with fear or more broad with confidence that only anonymity provided. 

It was nearly two months into owning the board that a message caught his eye; it didn’t have much color or outlandish design to it, so Evan wasn’t sure why it stuck out to him so much. But the writing just…looked different. Friendly. A little messy but with long enough strokes to show some care went into it. The words only took up a small part of the board. 

I come here every day because I think the owner is nice. And maybe cute? I wanted to ask for his name, but I’m too nervous.

Evan blinked in surprise, feeling his face heat up when he read it again. Someone…confessed about him? It was sort of risky, since this was his shop and he could have checked in on the board at any time, but it was also endearing. Someone was too shy to approach Evan, but felt strong enough about him to confess on his wall? He read the line two more times while he cleaned off every other drawing and confession, leaving the words in the middle of the board. Slowly, his eyes dropped down to the basket of chalk at the bottom of the wall, fingers twitching by his side. Despite having it for months, he’d never actually written on it. He left designing the morning greeting to Brock, as he was the artistic one of the three. But now…

He kept the confession where it was, drawing a little circle around it with the red chalk. Then, with block letters bright enough to catch any returning customer’s attention, he wrote out a simple reply. 

It’s Evan. Nice to meet you.

He didn’t think about the teasing Brian would rain on him, or how unlikely it was for him to get a response. The confessions were meant to be anonymous, not openers for conversation. So sure that his words would be left unanswered, Evan didn’t look once at the board the following day, trying to keep focused on making his customer’s happy. Any time he wasn’t working, he rushed into the back, trying to stay occupied so he didn’t stare at the wall. The day dragged on forever, but when the final customer was out the door, Evan nearly fell flat on his face vaulting over the counter to move to the board. 

“Desperate much, buddy?” Brian’s shout from across the shop went ignored when Evan scanned the wall, looking for any sign of a response. At first, the words around the response were disheartening; nothing connected to what he’d said. The drawings were still cute, and he wanted to read the confessions, but his heart slightly dropped at the sight. Had he scared off the anonymous messenger? He felt his frown start to capture his lips, but then his eye picked up on something. A blue circle had been wrapped around Evan’s words, and a line of chalk was drawn to the left of the board. Curious, his eyes tracked the line. Like thread in a maze, Evan was led to a familiar handwriting. 

Your name fits you! I’m…Jonathan. Is that okay? 

“Jonathan.” He rolled the name around in his mouth, his smile small when he finished. He knew instantly what his new secret penpal was asking, and he found the red chalk from before in order to scribble out his answer. 

That’s totally okay. I bet your name fits you, too, though I’m not sure who you are. Care to give me a hint? 

And for the next two weeks, the hints poured out. 

I like to wear blue a lot. Luke says it matches my eyes. But I think yours are prettier.

Evan counted seventy three customers with blue eyes who wore blue that day, but it did little to limit his search. 

I saw you drop that lady’s coffee on purpose. She deserved it for treating Brock like that. You’re a really good boss.

The incident had been in the morning around rush hour, which probably meant his penpal was at least his age. 

You only wear hats when you clean the mocha machine; it really looks good on you. 

Except this was something he did at night, so maybe he had different shifts throughout the week? 

Whenever little Momo comes in, you always give her the best smile. Sometimes I wish you’d smile at me like that.

Evan’s face hurt from how many smiles he gave out that day, but there had been nobody who hinted at knowing why he’d been grinning so much. 

You’re so beautiful. I really want to ask you on a date. 

Evan’s face flush red for the rest of the night. 

After the days of trying to piece together just who ‘Jonathan’ was, Evan was almost ready to throw in the towel. The little banter between them was fun, and peeks of Jonathan’s personality came out with doodles or smilies at the end of his sentences. He mentioned his friends, his dog, and if Evan closed his eyes, he could almost make out a voice to the words. Everything just felt so familiar about this guy, like he was already seated comfortably in Evan’s life. But he just couldn’t come up with a name, or anything to sink his teeth into. 

So, with a shot of courage (Brian may have supplied the alcohol) and nothing to lose, Evan wrote out one final message. 

Anything but coffee, and I’ll say yes.

Evan tried not to look at the board, just like the first day, hoping he wouldn’t scare away his crush by staring the wall down. Brock and Brian helped distract him, jokingly picking out old men and toddlers as ‘his secret admirer’ before laughing at the outlandish suggestions. Evan tried to smile and joke with them, but his shaking hands when giving out the orders always proved how nervous he was. Each time a customer came up to him, his back tensed, wondering if it’d be his penpal. But they never were, always asking for sugar or a bag for their half eaten muffin. 

When the last minutes of the day ticked away, and just a few regular souls lingered in the cafe, Evan finally broke. He left Brian and Brock behind the counter to walk up to the wall, hands shoved in the pockets of the apron to hide his twitching fingers. Slowly, his eyes scanned the board, trying to find the blue handwriting he’d grown to adore over the couple weeks he’d gotten to see it. But there was nothing; his crush hadn’t replied. 

“I scared him away.” Evan sighed and pressed his head to the chalkboard, eyes closing in defeat. His shoulders slumped down, unable to hide his disappointment. He’d just wanted to know who this guy was, because starting to fall for a chalkboard he technically owned was starting to feel a little creepy-

“Um.” An unsure voice made Evan bite back a groan, trying to keep his composure. Even if he was being ghosted by an anonymous customer, it didn’t mean he could ignore his other ones. Pulling back from the wall, Evan turned to catch sight of a familiar face. Cute sweatshirt guy had been a regular for months, always polite but never one to really engage in much conversation with Evan or the others. He always contributed it to the slight stutter in his speech, which only seemed to come out in longer sentences. It was actually kind of late for cute sweatshirt guy to be at the cafe; he’d bought his coffee close to an hour ago, and though he normally left right after, he’d seemed to linger now. He’d been one of the people who’d come up to Evan, looking like he was going to burst out in a confession, only to ask for creamer.

And sugar.

And a new cup.

…And more creamer.

For a coffee he always drank black.

“Wait.” Evan’s breath hitched in his throat as his eyes widened on the blue gaze nervously watching him, fingers curled into the worn down sweatshirt that was identical in color. 

“Yeah, I’m-that was me. Jonathan. Who you were-I’m the guy tha–that, um, fuck. Luke said I should’ve just-but the wall was…was our thing.” Jonathan’s face lit up in color at the confession, the nervous laugh that poured out loud and uncontrolled. It echoed from the emptiness of the cafe, and both men jumped when Brian swore and knocked over a stack of cups in surprise. Tagging that as future Evan’s problem, he turned his attention back to Jonathan, who looked ready to let his sweatshirt swallow him whole. The smile he gave only lifted half his mouth, proving he didn’t feel confident. “You had no idea, did you?”

“None,” Evan admitted, hands pulling out of his apron at the defeated look that sunk over Jonathan. 

“Right, that’s- I don’t have to ask you on a date if this isn’t what you…if I’m not who you-”

“Ask me!” Evan cut him off fast, not wanting to let Jonathan feel rejected for a second longer. He rushed forward, snagging hands that tugged the end of torn sleeves to entwine their fingers. Blue eyes widened above him, but Evan refused to let his racing heart of reddened cheeks stop him from repeating his confession from before. “Anything but coffee, and I’ll say yes.” 

“Dinner? Can I-would you like to get food with me tomorrow?” Like a puppy, Jonathan’s body perked up at the possibility. Evan laughed before lifting their hands to cup Jonathan’s cheeks. He pushed up onto his toes, feeling the slight intake of his customer’s breath before he answered with a kiss.

But just to be safe, he wrote ‘yes’ on the chalkboard the next morning.

[sadprose-auroras]

‘Heart and soul’ – John Deacon X Fem!Reader

A/N: You don’t need a romantic partner to complete you. You’re a whole person, and co-dependency never works out for anyone. Yes, this is me trying to convince myself of this. I’m just really lonely, okay?

In this world reader replaces Paul and he never existed because, well, do I have to explain?

I could’ve called this ‘Somebody to Love’ but that’s just a little too cliché. Think of this as a Shakespeare’s ‘Twelfth Night’ or ‘What you Will’ scenario.

Also a preface I suck at characterisation cause all my life I’ve written first-person stories with no other characters, and that usually reflects me, so please just like know that ?? Idk I’m trying ?? It’s hard with real people. Also obviously Rog is written as a one-dimensional asshole, and I’m totally aware that he is absolutely nothing like that irl.

(The line about ‘heart and soul’ came from a shadowhunters episode)

I’m lowkey embrassed about this idk it sucks I’ve had a bit of a writing slump recently ,,,

MY MASTERLIST

When was it your turn?

You hated to be ungrateful for the incredible people around you; your fun-loving, kind-hearted friends, your supportive family, your wonderful job that provided you the opportunity of a lifetime; to spend your days with the members of the band Queen, assisting them in their day-to-day lives, getting along with them wonderfully.

You hated to place all your hopes of finding happiness in a romantic partner, but you couldn’t help it. Something was missing. There was a gap in your life, waiting to be filled with romance.

As you watched all your friends get married, have children, settle down, you couldn’t help but resent it a little; you despised yourself for these thoughts. Of course you were happy for them, but you couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with you. Why nobody paid you any attention. Why you’d never gone as far as awkwardly making out with a boy with braces when you were 14. Were you really that repulsive?

These were the kind of thoughts that kept you up at night, when you had nothing else to keep you happy or distracted. As you wondered where your Prince Charming was, somebody to sweep you off your feet and make you feel loved, you’d never imagined what you’d been looking for was right in front of you all along.

1975

“Jesus Y/N. What’s in here, bricks?” Roger practically dragged your bag through the dust as he struggled to carry it. You adjusted your handbag on your shoulder, rolling your eyes.

“You don’t have to carry it, Roger! I should be carrying your bags!” You exchanged a knowing glance with John; he grinned, his eyes creasing.

“Yes I do, I’m being a gentleman!” he exclaimed, literally tripping over his own feet, dropping your bag into the dust.

“No you’re not, you’re just trying to get into my pants. Which is super unprofessional, by the way,” you snapped, picking up your bag, dusting it off and marching ahead of him into the house.  

“She’s right, Rog. Y/N would never shag her boss. And if she did, she’d hide it really well,” Freddie pointed out.

“Thanks Fred,” you laughed, turning back to wink at him. John and Brian, quietly carrying their own bags, trailing behind, were amused at the exchange.��              

Once everybody had found their rooms and settled in, the band went to the recording studio to work. You, meanwhile, sat in the kitchen, chatting to your closest friend Kathy on the phone. Somehow, you’d got into a conversation about your love lives. Unfortunately, your lack thereof.

“I don’t know, Kath,” you sighed, twirling the phone cord around your finger. “It feels like I’m so behind, you know? I hate to sound like I’m complaining but I haven’t even been on a date in like three months! And the guy was a total creep! When am I going to have something like you and Joe have?”

“Y/N, you’re amazing,” she sighed. “The right guy is just around the corner, and he’s going to love you heart and soul.” Kathy replied, ever the comforter.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it’s what you deserve!”

You laughed, “Thanks Kath.” The door opening behind you interrupted you, and you quickly said, “I have to go, I’ll call you later. Love you!”

She laughed. “Love you too, Y/N. He’s closer than you think!” She finished. You rolled your eyes, a small smile on your face as you hung up. You turned around in your chair to see who had come in. John stood with his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels, a sweet smile on his face.

“Sorry Deaky, do you need anything?” you asked, feeling slightly guilty that you were talking to Kathy when you could be working.

“I’m sorry! Did I interrupt?” he walked past you to the fridge, opening it up and furrowing his eyebrows. “Who were you talking to? Someone special?” Heat rushed to your cheeks, but you couldn’t entirely explain why.

“No, no, just a friend. She’s awesome, we’ve been friends since high school,” you said, standing up to close the fridge, uncomfortable with how long he’d kept it open.

John nodded, smiling slightly at your actions. “Can you help me make some sandwiches and tea? I was sent to ask you to do it.”

“Of course, I was just thinking about getting everyone some lunch! Please, go back, I’ll do it,” you smiled at him, beginning to gather the necessary ingredients.

“I’m happy to help,” he said, a twinkle in his eye, putting the kettle on. You were taken aback at your body’s reactions to being alone with him, which had never really happened before. He tended to sit back and observe in group conversations, so it was interesting to see him in a different setting; he had an intriguing spark to him that you hadn’t really noticed before. You were surprised to find your heart beating faster when he placed his hand on your side to steady himself as he leant past you to grab something, blood rushing to your cheeks when he considerately asked you how you took your tea.

You’d never pictured it, but the two of you worked together seamlessly, as you chatted and joked easily. You playfully teased him, not being able to help yourself. However, unlike some people, he understood your sense of humour, laughing along with you.

The last straw came when you began discussing your personal life. Generally, you were a pretty open book, so you didn’t mind his questions. Little did you know, though, he was gauging the status of your love life for himself. Ever since you were hired by the band, John found himself captivated by your kindness, your sense of humour, your smile. The rest of the band knew of course, but you were oblivious to the signs, being, to your shame and disappointment, an amateur in the romantic department.

Now, after a mere ten minutes, you’d developed proper feelings for one of your employers. Sure, you laughed along when Roger tried to sleep with you, but you assumed he was always joking. And John was different. God, what was wrong with you? Were you really so starved for affection that you crushed on the first man to pay you attention for longer than a minute?

You knew you couldn’t ever do anything about this. Not only was it entirely unprofessional, you were certain he didn’t feel the same way. Besides, it would be way too complicated if things didn’t work out.

So, you pushed down your feelings, avoiding eye contact with John as much as you possibly could, walking in front of him when silently when you carried the trays of lunch to the recording studio.

----------

The next couple of days were torturous, to say the least. You wished you’d never had your sudden revelation, everything seemed so much simpler before. You were even finding yourself missing the sheer agony that came from not knowing if you’d ever meet your perfect man. Because you already had, you just didn’t realise it. And now, you had to spend all your time in his presence, knowing you would never be more than his assistant. Knowing you could never have him in the way you wanted.

That was, until you accidentally overheard a conversation that confused you even more, that brought even more conflict upon you. It was a little too early in the morning for your preference, and you were carrying a tray of coffees to the recording studio, a task that was proving quite the challenge. Just as you were attempting to balance the tray in one hand to open the door, the whole tray slipped out of your hand. Hot coffee splattered your leg, mugs smashed everywhere, and you could do nothing to stop it, except yell, “Fuck!”

That was your breaking point. Feeling entirely defeated, you slid down the wall almost comically, clutching your knees among the broken mugs. Coffee stained your pants, but you found yourself not caring. Hot tears filled your eyes, and you shook your head. You were pathetic. Why were you getting so worked up over a couple of coffee mugs? That’s when you heard the loud voices from inside.

“Did you ask her?” a voice you assumed was Brian’s asked. You froze, heart beating rapidly. You were the only woman around. Were they talking about you?

“Not exactly,” John said softly. The heat rushed to your cheeks, anticipating what he would say next. “I found out that she’s single, and it seems like she’s never been in a serious relationship.”

“You’d better do it soon mate, before I shag her, ditch her, and she quits because she can’t stand to be in the same room as me.” That was Roger. Of course it was.

At the same time you heard Freddie say, “She has way too much respect for herself for that,” John retaliated with, “Fuck off, Rog. She’s not like that.” Before you could even comprehend what just happened, their conversation changed rapidly, and you heard footsteps approaching the door. Shit.

You barely had time to stand up, before John swung open the door. He was, understandably, taken aback at the mess.

“I um,” you bit your lip. “Had a bit of an accident,” you stuttered awkwardly. You scolded yourself internally for the probably obvious blush on your cheeks. What was wrong with you? You really needed to pull yourself together.

As you broke eye contact with John and began to pick up the larger pieces of mugs, you heard a voice chime from inside, “Where are our coffees?”

----------

All eyes were on you as you lined up your cue, eyes narrowed in concentration as you broke.  Balls flew everywhere, bouncing off the sides of the table with satisfying sounds. Perhaps you were letting out your frustrations on the balls.

“Nice break,” John said, leaning against the wall. It was such a casual, neutral comment, you were quite embarrassed at your flustered response.

You smiled softly, muttering “thanks.” It was hard to ignore the knowing eyebrow raises and glances from Freddie, Roger and Brian. You thought back to the conversation you overheard earlier. Did John have feelings for you? And did the rest of the band know about it? You suddenly felt exposed and embarrassed at the thought. Surely it wasn’t true, it was too good to be true; a man you had feelings for actually reciprocating them? Either way, even if he did, you still couldn’t do anything about it considering your employment. But, still, at least you would be a step closer to love.

You tried your best to suppress your confusing feelings and multitude of questions as the night went on; a stream of drinks were consumed by all, laughs were had, and victories were had (mostly by you; what could you say? You’d been playing pool all your life). You found yourself thanking your lucky stars yet again to have such an incredible job where you could hang out with a bunch of truly great, fun, interesting and talented people. Slowly, Freddie, Brian and Roger dwindled away, leaving just yourself and John. By the time you were becoming too tipsy to properly aim, finding yourself confused at which balls were yours, John decided it was time for you to get some rest.

“Y/N you should go to bed, if you keep drinking you’re gonna feel even worse in the morning,” he said, as you sat cross-legged on the floor, cradling your beer. He leaned down with the intention of helping you up, placing his hand on your shoulder. “Big day tomorrow.”

You pushed him off you, scrambling to stand up. “Why are you telling me what to do all of a sudden? Just piss off. You’re not – I mean, we’re, you’re not, you’re –“ you struggled to find the right words in your current state of consciousness. John’s face contorted with – hurt? – as he looked like you’d slapped him.

“I was just trying to help,” he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he said sincerely. God. You’d insulted him when he was being kind, and he was apologising to you? Could he be any more perfect?

“No I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I just…” you trailed off, furrowing your brows as you studied his face. “I’m confused.”

“About what?” he asked, frowning, stroking your arm encouragingly. You melted into his touch; it sent goosebumps all over your body. Whether it was the alcohol or not you couldn’t tell.

“God, everything!” you rambled, not being to stop the words spilling out of your mouth. “You! I don’t know what to do, I don’t get it. You confuse me. What do I do?” you glanced up at him, the room slightly spinning. “Just take me to bed. You were right. I need to sleep, I don’t know what I’m saying.”

John nodded speechlessly, guiding you back to your room. He helped you take off your shoes, tucked you in and placed a glass of water beside your bed. 

Both of you went to bed with even more questions than answers that night.

----------

“Morning, there’s the party girl!” Freddie chimed, looking up at you.

“Shhhh, not so loud,” you grumbled, eyes barely open as you flopped down onto the couch in the recording studio, rubbing your temples.

“Sorry about last night, that’s so unlike me,” you said, ashamed. You recalled drinking a lot of beer, playing pool, and… oh no. Heat rushed to your cheeks as you remembered rambling to John. Did he know what you were implying? Was your childish little secret out already? It hadn’t even been a day. You never were very good at keeping your mouth shut. Much to your embarrassment, you locked eye contact with him, as he swivelled around in his chair to glance at you. You sat up quickly, entranced by his gaze. His eyes quickly flicked over to Freddie, then to Roger, who was sitting on the couch adjacent to you.

“Come on, Rog, let’s go, erm, help Brian!” Freddie said suddenly, shooting up out of his chair, practically dragging Roger across the room to join Brian on the other side of the glass.

“Fred what are you doing? He doesn’t need help. You could’ve at least been a little less obvious…” his voice trailed off as they shut the door behind them, joining Brian. There was a lull, and you found yourself shifting uncomfortably.

“I-“ you both started to speak at the same time, then stopped just as abruptly. You both laughed, as you chewed on your bottom lip nervously.

“You go” he said.

“Look, John, I’m sorry. Really. About last night. I didn’t know what I was saying. Can we just forget about the whole thing?” your heart was racing.

“Y/N, I can’t forget about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I need to know what you meant, what you were trying to say. What did you mean when you asked me what you should do?” he came to sit down next to you on the couch, intently watching you. You could feel three pairs of eyes also watching the two of you through the glass, which you tried to ignore. Nosy bastards.

He was being so direct, so deliberate, you couldn’t put it off any longer. “I was talking about, um…” you moved closer to him, your throat becoming dry. He didn’t take his eyes off you for a second. “My feelings for you,” you finally said breathlessly, your heart feeling like it was beating out of your chest. This was it; he was going to reject you like all the others. You braced yourself for the inevitable heartbreak. But it never came.

Instead, John moved so quickly you could barely think, pressing his lips against yours sweetly. You inhaled sharply, shocked, before you came to your senses and kissed him back. Hard. You kissed him like you were drowning and he was oxygen. He pulled you close, his hands on your waist, while you reached up and ran your fingers through his silky hair, something you’d been wanting to do for so long. As he softly ran his tongue along your bottom lip in a way that made you melt, you wanted to pinch yourself. Was this really happening? Were you really kissing the man of your dreams? The butterflies in your stomach and the tingling sensation throughout your entire body was unlike anything you’d ever felt before. When you finally pulled away, it was like he’d kissed away all your fears and doubts. They were gone, and all that was left was an indescribable feeling of safety and passion.

He stroked your cheek, smiling fondly at you, his eyes crinkling. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the moment I met you.” His adorable accent was having a particular effect on you it hadn’t before.

You caught his hand, bringing it to your lips to give the top of his hand a quick kiss, before intertwining your fingers and bringing them down between you. “I’ve been wanting to do it since, well, yesterday afternoon…” you giggled. “Why didn’t I realise how incredible you are sooner?”

He shrugged, absentmindedly toying with the collar of your shirt. “I don’t know, but I know I’m not incredible. Just an average guy who really likes an amazing girl. And not just because she brings me food and looks after me,” he chuckled.

“You’re far from average, John Deacon.”

Just in the middle of the most romantic moment of your life thus far, the door swung open, and a chorus of yelling ensued.

“Finally, my darlings! We were so close to locking you in a room until you agreed to get together!”

“It’s about fucking time, you’re perfect for each other!”

“The two of you are sickeningly cute. I hate it.”

You blushed furiously, embarrassed that you’d forgotten they could see your every move. You were speechless, while John only managed, “Were you watching that whole time?”

----------

It was never easy. Queen’s growing success meant more eyes were on them more than ever before, meaning people were more and more curious about their personal lives. You partially understood, but when you read yet another insensitive, invasive headline questioning Freddie’s personal life, you couldn’t see why people wouldn’t just leave them alone. It began to take a toll on all of them, and even you. Multiple tabloids appeared, including photos of you and John walking along, looking miserable about the paparazzi following you. This was twisted of course, and the headlines read things like, ‘Controversial romance between Queen Bassist and assistant on the rocks.’

You despised the media for portraying him as using his position of power, and he despised them for portraying you as a gold digger. But you could always make each other feel better. No matter what, your love for each other prevailed. Every day you counted your blessings for being able to spend your life with your first love, being able to call him your husband and have his children. You never thought you’d be one of the lucky few who stayed with your first love.

It was different to what you expected at the start, when you were falling in love and it was all forehead kisses and butterflies and giggling. You had built up the idea of love so much in your head. Its absence in your life allowed you to blame your unhappiness and discontent on that void in your life. But it didn’t make all of that go away. Despite your hopes, being in love and having a stable relationship didn’t complete you. You were two imperfect people who loved each other as much as they could, fumbling their way through life’s trials and tribulations.

[sauntering-down]

alright, like three people wanted to read this and that’s more than enough for my attention-seeking ass, so here you go: Music Maniacs, written by my brother and i when i was... idk, 9?  10?  it’s absolute hot garbage and i think it has real charm.  enjoy.

(for the record, Lando is my brother’s character, Kelley is mine, and Suzie and Mitzi were our cousins Brienne and Paige, respectively.)

Scene 1: Lando is playing with Star Wars toys, and Mitzi is reading a book. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Suzie: Backstreet Boys are awesome!

Kelley: N’SYNC is cooler.

Lando: Girls, stop arguing!  Both are cool.  Just listen to them one at a time.

Kelley: Okay.  We’ll listen to mine first.

Suzie: Whatever.

Lando: Will you two stop arguing for the last time?

Mitzi: Yeah, cut it out.

Lando: Mitzi, you stay out of this.

(Offstage voice yells “Children, go to bed!) (Kids exit stage right.)

[if you’re short on time, no need to keep reading.  the first scene is basically repeated nine more times with slightly different dialogue.  that’s the entire “““play”””.  i also love how we included actual stage directions, as if we intended to perform this somewhere besides our living room.]

Scene 2: Lando is reading a Star Wars book, and Mitzi is asleep. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage, arguing.

Lando: Are you girls arguing again?

Suzie: I don’t think N’SYNC is cool at all.

Kelley: Well, Backstreet Boys are dumb.

Lando: If you girls are going to argue all day, go do it in your own room!

Suzie: We can’t.  Mitzi is still asleep.

Mitzi: No I’m not!

Lando: Now go in your own room!

Kelley: Forget it!

[Lando’s pretty bossy, but when you consider he constantly has to listen to his brainless sisters argue which late-90s boy band is better, it’s kind of understandable.]

Scene 3: Lando is playing chess, and Mitzi is reading ABC. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Lando: I hope those two aren’t arguing again.

Mitzi: Yeah.

Suzie: Aqua is stupid.

Kelley: Well, Backstreet Boys stink and so do you.

Lando: You girls just don’t know when to quit.  And Kelley, watch your mouth!

Kelley: Well, she does.

Suzie: Well, you’re just a little weirdo with delusions of glory!

Lando: Oh, man.

[i’m not sure why we thought ‘you stink’ was so offensive, considering my brother and i listened to a George Carlin tape as wee innocent kiddos.  and that ‘weirdo with delusions of glory’ line was definitely my brother’s work; i didn’t even know what it meant.]

Scene 4: Lando is having a drink, and Mitzi is reading is playing with stuffed animals. Suzie and Kelley enter.

Mitzi: Why do they always argue?

Lando: They can’t agree whether N’SYNC, Aqua, or Backstreet Boys is the coolest music group of them all.

Kelley: I hate Backstreet Boys.  Aqua is cool.

Suzie: Aqua is stupid.  So is N’SYNC.  And so are you.

Lando: You too, Suzie, need to learn to watch your mouth.

Mitzi: I think N’SYNC is the coolest.

Lando: Mitzi, I thought I told you to stay out of this.

Suzie & Kelley: Yeah!

Kelley: I like Shania Twain.

Suzie: Shania Twain is okay.

Kelley: But Backstreet Boys are still dumb.

Lando: Watch your mouth!

Suzie, Kelley & Mitzi: We don’t have to listen to you!

Lando: Oh yeah!?

[i WISH i could describe the ridiculous wannabe-tough-guy tone of voice my brother used for that last line.  it was hilarious.  for the record, i don’t know if Mitzi’s supposed to be reading or playing with stuffed animals... the original copy of the play is long gone, so we reproduced it from memory about ten years ago.]

Scene 5: Lando is playing with his SSD.  Kelley is at her computer writing a letter, and Mitzi is dancing to music. Suzie enters from left stage.

Lando: Well, well, well!  If it isn’t the Music Maniacs!

Suzie: Uh-oh.  It’s Kelley.

Kelley: Don’t bother me.  I’m writing a celebrity letter.

Suzie: To who?  The Squirtle Squad?

Kelley: No, to N’SYNC.

Suzie: N’SYNC is stupid.

Lando: Do I have to listen to this again?

(Offstage voice yells “Go to bed now!”)

[hey, a title drop!  wild.  SSD is short for Super Star Destroyer - one of my brother’s toys.  i have no idea how we were going to have an offstage voice yelling at us to go to bed all the time... tape recorder, maybe.]

Scene 6: There are 3 blankets and 3 pillows on the floor. All lights go out.

Kelley (holding a flashlight.) I hate Backstreet Boys.

Suzie: Shut up.

Lando: You watch your mouth!  And don’t forget you two, you have a meeting to go to tomorrow.

Suzie: What meeting?

Lando: Remember that science club meeting?  It got postponed because the leader wasn’t feeling well.  So it’s going to be tomorrow.

Kelley: Oh yeah.  I forgot all about that.

Suzie: We didn’t get a notice about it, so how do you know?

Lando: I got a phone call about it last week telling me it was canceled and that it was going to be next week.

Mitzi: Be quiet and go to sleep!

[three blankets, three pillows, four kids.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]

Scene 7: Lando is playing with his SSD, and Mitzi is still asleep. Suzie and Kelley enter from left stage.

Lando: Good shot Green 3!  Watch out-

Suzie: I hate Aqua!

Kelley: No you don’t.  You’re just saying that because you’re jealous of me.

Lando: Are you two ever going to quit arguing?

Suzie: No I’m not!  As a matter of fact, you’re jealous of me.

Kelley: Just admit it!  You are.

Suzie: No I’m not.

Kelley: Yes.  You.  Are!

Lando: Be quiet already!

Mitzi: Good morning everyone.

Suzie: Are you nuts?  It’s 10:00 in the morning!

Kelley: Mitzi, you should have been up two hours ago.

Lando: Well, nice of you to join the rest of the world!

[this entire thing is just amusingly juvenile.  i wish i could say the ‘revised version’ (which is mostly the same with a couple extra scenes tacked on at the end and a REALLY bizarre plot twist) is better, but... no.]

Scene 8: Lando and Kelley are at school, and Mitzi is taking a nap. Suzie is writing a letter to her aunt.

Dear Aunt Effie,

Hi!  It’s Suzie.  I just wanted to know if I could stay over for a week or so.  My bossy brother Lando is bossing us around again.  Kelley and I have been arguing again.  And Mitzi is butting in to all our conversations.  (Correction: Arguments.) And I would like to get away from my family, so could I stay with you for awhile?

Love,

Suzie Arrow

A few hours later, Suzie got her response.

Dear Suzie.

I’m really sorry, but I can’t let you stay here at the inn.  There are no rooms available and there are no hotels near here.  The nearest one is 85 miles away!  So you can’t stay.  Again, I’m really sorry.

Love ya,

Aunt Effie

[i don’t know how we were going to ‘perform’ this scene.  i don’t know why Suzie doesn’t go to school, either.  at least Mitzi, being played by my younger cousin, would’ve probably been only four or five at the time.]

Scene 9: Lando is reading a Star Wars book, and Mitzi is playing with stuffed animals. Suzi is at a friend’s house, and Kelley enters from left stage.

Lando: Finally!  Some peace and quiet.

Kelley: Same to you, buster.

Suzie: I’m home!

Kelley: Are you a weirdo or something?

Suzie: No, you’re the weirdo around here!

Lando: Why don’t you two just make up and get it over with?

Suzie & Kelley: No way hosay!

Lando: Shut up you weird costume ladies!

Kelley: Are you calling us weird costume ladies?

(Offstage voice yells “Children, go to bed!)

[“hosay”.  and “costume ladies”, another one of my brother’s inexplicable insults.  in hindsight, he might’ve been calling us hookers, but i’m pretty sure he was just repeating something he’d heard and had no idea what it meant.]

Scene 10: There are 3 blankets and 3 pillows on the floor. All lights go out.

Lando: Are you two going to make up?

Kelley: Yeah, I guess so.

Suzie: All right.  Sorry Kelley.

Kelley: Sorry.

Lando: Do you promise never to do this again?

Suzie & Kelley: No!

(Laughter occurs.)

Kelley: No we’re kidding.  We promise.

Lando: Now let’s celebrate with ice cream sandwiches!

Suzie & Kelley: What!?

Lando: What?

Suzie punches Lando in the face.

[gosh, THAT was anticlimactic.  everyone’s acting like they had this huge fallout and... all they did was childishly (and repetitively) insult one another’s choice in pop music??  what a thrill.]

[ridiculousn3sswrites]

The Golden Rule

*Tom Hiddleston x Reader

*Summary: Reader is an actress with one rule: don’t fall for a costar. It worked well, until one Tom Hiddleston found his way into her life.

*Warnings: Idk, maybe swearing? Angst?

*A/N: THIS WASN’T ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO BE ANGST BUT WOOPS IT HAPPENED Written by Admin R

Part One || Part Two

The second you got your first major role, you established one rule for yourself: never fall for a costar. You’d heard too many horror stories about awkward sets and replaced actors when the leads got together and then didn’t work out. You figured that this rule would save not only your career, but also your dignity. You held the rule close to your heart, rejecting advances as politely as you could in order to preserve the atmosphere on set. The only thing that bugged you were the countless interviewers asking if you and x-costar had any chemistry outside of what was on screen or beyond friendship. Your rule faced its most difficult challenge when you were cast opposite one actor in particular: Tom Hiddleston.

You wouldn’t lie: he was obviously attractive, and his kindness just increased that tenfold. That was why you had to do something you really hated, you avoided him at all costs. You figured that by creating as much distance between the two of you that you could, you would stop yourself from catching feelings. If you didn’t have to be on set with him, you were in your trailer going over lines or with other cast members on the other side of the set. If you’d been cast opposite him in any other genre, you would’ve been fine, but the movie just had to be a romance. You’d managed to avoid him for about a month before he finally managed to catch you after a scene.

“Alright, that’s scene. Good job, guys! (y/n), we’re doing your scene with Karen in an hour,” the director told you, smiling as he hopped off his chair. You nodded, about to run off to run your lines with Karen when Tom grabbed your arm, holding you in place. You jerked to a stop, looking at his hand gripping your forearm before looking up to his face. You both stayed in silence for a few seconds before he finally snapped out of it and spoke.

“Sorry, I just need to talk to you,” Tom told you, dropping the hold on your arm. “I’m truly sorry if I’ve done anything to offend you, but I hope you can forgive me for whatever it was.” The look of sincerity that painted his face made a pang of regret fill you. He had done nothing wrong, yet you managed to hurt him just because you didn't want to catch feelings for him.

“No, you did nothing wrong, it's legitimately just me,” you tried comforting him. “I kind of find you,” you paused, searching for the right word, “intimidating. Like, you're such a great actor and you've been doing this for so much longer than I have.” You knew that wasn't the actual reason, but it wasn't like you could just up and say that you were really attracted to him and didn't want to break your rule of falling for costars. The second his features turned soft, you knew he bought it.

“There's really no reason to be intimidated, darling. You're amazing, truly! Would you maybe like to get some coffee? I feel as though we accidentally got off on the wrong foot,” Tom invited you with a slight laugh. A brief feeling of panic gripped your heart as you considered it. You were already dangerously close to catching feelings for him, and that was with minimal interactions with him. If you went with him, there was the possibility that you'd fall to the point of no return. However, there was the counter: you'd only interacted with him at the table reads and when you were filming your scenes. That gave you the possibility of you having fallen for the man he was written as, not the actual Tom. It could turn out that he was completely different from what you experienced, or he could be better than what you thought. As you had this silent debate, Tom waited patiently for your answer.

“You know what? That sounds nice,” you accepted with a smile, a matching one growing on Tom’s own face. Tom took your hand into his, leading you to the small break area the crew had set up. You found yourself unable to stop smiling the entire time the two of you talked, finding that Tom truly was better than the character your mind had created. And that just made your mind scream warnings to you about your rule. You ignored every single one.

Karen was the first to notice, bringing it up before you had even fully realized what happened. While she played your best friend in the film, the two of you had become very close since you came onto the whole movie scene. You had been running your lines with her in her trailer when she confronted you. “What's going on? You've been off lately.”

“I don’t know,” you sighed, throwing your script beside you on the couch. “I think it's something with Tom? Like, whenever we're filming scenes or hanging out, I can't focus and I almost forget my lines a lot.” Karen’s wide-eyed gaze confused you even further. “What?”

“You're an idiot,” Karen breathed before shaking off her shock. “Admit it, (f/n) (l/n) broke her rule and fell for Tom Hiddleston.”

“What? No, there's no way!” You argued stubbornly. “I don't fall for costars.”

“Think about it, (y/n), you can't focus, you fumble over your words around him, and you think about him a lot. You've fallen for him,” Karen replied. “And it's not a bad thing. You guys already have great chemistry on set, imagine how it'll be if you start dating!”

“But if we break up, we'd still have to go through filming, press ops, and the premiere! There's a reason I never date costars. Plus, we don't even know if he likes me like that,” you said.

“I do, he won't shut up about you when we have our scenes together. Remember when you were avoiding him? He kept asking me about you,” Karen told you, a knowing look on her face. “Face it, you guys fell for each other. I think you'd be a cute couple.”

“No, Karen, I can't let it happen, even if I want it to,” you sighed, throwing yourself back on the couch.

“So you'd rather make yourself miserable?” Karen questioned, moving to sit beside you. She placed a hand on your shoulder, leaning in. “I don't want you to hurt yourself because of this.”

“Karen, you're a great friend, but I don't want to get hurt if I do end up telling him,” you replied, putting your hand on top of hers. “C’mon, we’re due on set in ten minutes.”

That was the last real conversation you had about it. Filming continued, your little crush on Tom staying at the back of your mind and in the pit of your stomach. Before you knew it, filming ended and you were free for a few months before you had to do your press rounds with Tom and Karen. You hoped that the distance would allow your feelings to calm down at least a little bit, but it only made you miss his constant presence. The two of you texted often, keeping each other up to date on the small parts of your lives, making you that much more eager to see him again.

When press rounds started, Karen was the first one to find you. As she nearly knocked you down when she crushed you into a hug, you saw Tom trailing closely behind. “You should never go back to LA, it was weird not seeing you for so long,” Karen said, releasing you from the hug.

“As true as that is, I don’t think I’ll be moving anytime soon,” you laughed, giving her another hug. “So, do we know what we’re doing for the rounds?”

“We’re doing trio interviews,” Karen replied. “So the three of us get to mess around all day.” You jokingly groaned in annoyance, earning you a slight shove. You laughed, finally going to greet Tom with a hug. Your heart swelled at the familiar scent and the feel of his arms encircling you, and you sighed slightly when he released you.

“I know we talked a lot, but Karen’s right. It’s not the same not seeing you every day,” Tom told you with a warm smile. You hated the hold this man had on you, even his smile sent your heart racing and stomach fluttering. You were saved from overthinking it by one of the PR people coming to retrieve your group for the first set of interviews. You slipped on your professional features, ready to charm the interviewers and people that’d watch them, and hopefully the movie.

The interviews went by seamlessly, the three of you messing around and enjoying yourselves. It was almost like you weren’t actually working. Most of the questions were about the atmosphere on set, the movie itself, what fans could look forward to, the normal topics. It wasn’t until the last interview of the day that things really got personal. “So, you two seem awfully close, there’s no way that that chemistry was all acting, right?” the interviewer teased slightly, only paying attention to you and Tom.

“I mean, we’re great friends,” you laughed, slightly uncomfortable. “I guess that would have translated over to the screen.” If only that interviewer knew that you wished there was something more. No, wait, stop, bad (y/n). Don’t think that about costars.

“Are you sure there’s nothing more here? It doesn’t look that way,” she pushed. You knew what she was trying to do, it happened to you almost every time you had to do press rounds. Karen realized what was going on too, if her sudden tenseness was anything to go by.

“I wish, but she’s certainly out of my league,” Tom decided to humor her, throwing an arm around your shoulder. You laughed, already at ease again as you leant into his hold, allowing yourself to believe for even a second that you could have this.

A few more months passed since your press rounds, meaning your reunion with the cast would be at the premiere. You spent most of your afternoon getting your hair and makeup done, not even really getting a chance to think about what would happen tonight. Karen had finally convinced you to come clean. You wouldn't be working with him anymore, save for some interviews here and there within the next couple of months, so it didn't matter anymore. Tonight, after everyone finished doing their thing on the red carpet, you were telling Tom how you felt. If he didn't share your affection anymore, then so be it. You were taking your chance, and nothing could make you back down.

The red carpet was a whirl as always. You ran into Karen first, the two of you going through the autographing, pictures, and small interviews together. “Have you seen him yet?” Karen asked once you finished the last interview with some film and fashion blog.

“No, I don't think he's gotten here yet,” you replied, trying to look over the crowd to spot him. Just as you said that, you finally spied him on the carpet, laughing at whatever a photographer was saying. “Oh, wait! He's-”

“He's what?” Karen asked after a few seconds of silence. She followed your gaze, letting a small noise of understanding when she saw what you did. There stood Tom on the red carpet, laughing and smiling with the beautiful brunette on his arm. “Do you want to?” Karen trailed off, the ending implied well enough.

“Yeah, let's go inside,” you told her, finally tearing your gaze away from the couple. This is why you have that rule, (l/n).

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #80

oh wow, sorry for the inactivity ya’ll.  been busy with moving and no internet...

is your hair damaged?   no, it's very healthy, actually.  people love my hair, makes me feel amazing tbh ;;u;; who was the last person you threw out of your life?    um idk really.  i rarely throw people out... i believe in fixing relationships.  most, realistically, are salvageable. how many hours did you sleep last night?   like... none. e_e has someone disappointed you recently?   yes.  a friend was acting rather immature last night. do you prefer hot or cold weather?   COLD COLD COLD are you afraid of roller coasters?   yup. are you shy?   VERY!!! do you hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing?   no, so long i have my phone or laptop. what color is the hair of the last person you kissed?   black does the last person you kissed wear glasses?   nope you’re on your way home from a night out, and you’re sure someone is following you. what do you do?   drive to the nearest police station. what colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes?   only black what color ARE your lashes?   black what font do you usually use?   a small version of arial or garamond. do you put gel or mousse in your hair?   i do not. ever used to have an imaginary friend?   no actually. ever used a dreamcatcher? if so, did it work?   nope. ever took ballet, jazz, or tap dancing classes?   jazz, hip hop, clogging, modern... wear a specific necklace every day?   i do not. are you an affectionate person?   very. what is something you are proud of?   graduating in the highest tier of my graduating class. time of day you were born?   11:20 A.M., i think. are you a boy or girl?   girl how do you want to die?   idk, really.  some pretty painless way. ever made out in the bathroom?   no. are you scared of spiders?   most. do you have piercings? how many?   yes, two in each earlobe.  i've HAD many more, buuut... long story. want any more?   yep.  labret on lip, snake eyes on tongue, right side of nose, more on my ears... have you ever been on a horse?   i have. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?   i have, much to my dismay. do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?   doubt it. ever been to alaska?   i wish! what’s your zodiac sign?   aquarius do you like subway?   ye what is your least favorite color?   brown or like, puke green. do you like to read?   not anymore, no. what’s something you’re really passionate about?   m e e r k a t s ! ! ! ever been bitten by a snake?   nope a spider?   not to my knowledge ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   two, yes.  gamestop sales clerk for like a month.  dollar general cashier for legit four days lmao. ever won yourself a stuffed animal?   sure ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal?   i think. do you like lollipops or suckers?   yeah, sure. favorite fruit?   strawberries favorite vegetable?   broccoli favorite meat?   chicken do you drink energy drinks?   nope. ever used crest white strip?   no, but i'd like to. do you want to cut your hair?    i need it trimmed. do you have any scars?   shin and chin is your profile private?   my facebook one?  yes. what artist do you have the most songs for in your itunes/music library?   ozzy osbourne or metallica what’s your blood type?   a- do people ever say your name wrong? how do they say it?   no.  it's such a common name, so. which do you like better, biographies or autobiographies?   autobiographies, imo. do you think that your parents give you a lot of freedom?   even at 21, no. which do think is classier, black clothes or white clothes?   black have you ever seen a ghost? explain:   idk.  i KNOW i've seen some inhuman entity walking on all fours once before, but idk if it was truly a "ghost" do you like oatmeal?   eh, i'm picky.  can't have too much milk, i'll tell ya that for sure. are any of your friends in a band?   no. what is the worst food experience you’ve had?   eating brussel sprouts omg never again do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog.  same thing, just different shoes for a different sound effect. what’s your favorite flavor of skittles?   RED OMG when was the last time you used oil pastels?   high school art class do you know who edward gein is?   hmmmm... wasn't he some serial killer or even a satanist, something along those lines?  name sounds familiar.  think there's a character in the silent hill franchise in his name. if pot was finally legalized, what would you do?   idk if it's legal in nc, but anyway, i still wouldn't do it. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside do you prefer an automatic or a manual transmission?   automatic who is your favorite disney character?   not sure, maybe mufasa. if you’re staying home all day, do you bother getting changed or do you just stay in your pajamas?   stay in pajamas. if you don’t drive - how come? if you do - how old were you when you got your license?   i have my permit, but i don't drive much because of anxiety.  i am a nervous wreck, and i'm not comfortable endangering other's lives. have you ever caught a tadpole?   ye. (: what kind of dog would you get if you could choose any breed?   right now, a chow chow. how often do you listen to rap?   like never. do you have the boobs to work at hooters?   boobs, maybe, but not the body.  granted, i'm only a d because of my weight.  when i wasn't overweight, i was a c. are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you?   yes, and my mama. if someone of importance checked your profile, would you be embarrassed?   what profile, my facebook?  not really. has anyone ever told you “forever”?   AND YET HE'S NOT HEEEEEREEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D which is harder - walking in the snow or sand?   sand, omg. do you like sour candy?   YEAH in one word, how would you describe your best friend?   honest. is there a song that reminds you of your best friend?   "friends" by... i think it's blake shelton?  she's established that's "our song," which i think is so cute. ;w; what's annoying you right now? even just a little bit counts.   okay so a friend from high school was talking to me via facebook last night, and he just... did something that REALLY got under my skin.  first let my say that in high school, he admitted to liking me.  i liked him as a friend; i hadn't known him long enough to really establish an "i like-like you" attitude yet.  well, we drifted apart, not that there was ever anything much holding us together.  anyway, he and i were messaging each other for a very short period of time when he asked me if i was seeing anybody, said no, then he asked if i liked him, and i was just like... uhhhh... no???  bc i haven't seen him since high school???  sooo tell me how i would have any valid feelings???  and more importantly, tell me how he'd have valid feelings for ME after so long???  idk, it just honestly pissed me off because it made me feel like he was after an easy piece of meat with no emotional connection.  he hasn't messaged me back yet, and i, frankly, don't care if he does or doesn't. have you ever painted a car?   no are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough?   no.  the worth isn't there, imo. have you ever been into a real cave?   oh, i wish!! have you ever posted mean comments on youtube?   oh i can say with certainty i have as a pre-teen.  i was an obnoxious lil shit when i first started actively using the internet. what was the main subject of your last telephone conversation?   i was telling mom i was throwing up, so my anxiety was bad. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated?   yup. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard, i think. do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed?   impossible. is your all-time favorite television show still on air?   i wish, but no. are looks important in a relationship?   very!!  very!!  slightly!!!!  i believe emotional chemistry is incalcuably more important, but simultaneously, having a physical attraction to your partner is something that increases your connection.  i used to not believe this and you probably don't either, but ponder over it for a while.  it does hold slight weight. do you believe in love at first sight?   absolutely not, it's rubbish to believe you can "love" somebody just by fucking looking at them.  the idea is laughable. do you ever want to get married?   i do. do you shower every day?   no, that's horrible for your skin.  i shower every two days. have you ever experienced unrequited love?   yes and tbh i'd rather die have you ever written a song or poem for someone?   poems, yes. what’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?   i don't actively look for it, but hmmm... i'd say decent/healthy teeth. who are five people you find attractive?   1.) link neal is actually daddy; 2.) jason/my ex; 3.) adam levine ain't bad; 4.) chris hemsworth; 5.) oh my actual god i almost forgot mark fischbach/markiplier what's your profile picture?   i'mma cover for... almost everywhere.  this tumblr: me; main tumblr: link neal; facebook: me; km rpg: rhett mclaughlin laughing; deviantart: my oc what's your dad's name?   kenneth, but everyone just calls him "ken" do you still have feelings for an ex?   very strong ones do you like the rain?  ye!! what is your favorite fruit flavor?   strawberry which two friends can you see together as a couple?  idk, i don't really "ship" my friends what was the happiest moment in your life?   dancing to "stairway to heaven" with jason on prom night, in my front yard, in the headlights of his old truck. would you be brave enough to spend an entire hour alone in a cemetery?   yeah. got a phobia you want to share?  whale sharks.  lmao. how many places have you traveled to? name them.   new york, michigan, florida, ohio, tennessee, virginia... who are the 3 greatest living musicians?  oh god.  errr ozzy osbourne, otep shamaya, james hetfield. what’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?   michigan do you feel like a leader or a follower?   i'm a follower, usually. if you had to live in a different state, what would it be?   utah would you rather win an olympic medal, an academy award or the nobel peace prize?   nobel peace prize what is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?  "the rite" scared me ONLY bc i am horrified by the idea of being raped by a demon, nevermind satan what is your favorite thing about the beach?   the shells and starfish! what’s the worst thing you did as a kid?   i hit my little sister multiple times would you ever donate blood?   i have before, but idk if i would again.  it was so stress-inducing. do you wear hats?   no. have you ever seen your best friend cry?   i have. have you ever been a vegetarian?   nope. do you find lube pointless for regular old intercourse (not anal)?   yeah, honestly.  if you're technically turned on, your body pretty much takes care of it? which sex position would you find more awkward: anal or some really crazy vaginal intercourse position (check wikipedia if you can’t think of any crazy ones)?   anal will always be weirder to me. do you ever wear temporary tattoos as an accessory?    no. when was the last time you had a panic attack?   two nights ago what’s your favorite color to wear?   black.  it's a flattering color. clay, crayons, markers, pastels, charcoal, or paint?   pastels have you ever broken anything because you were mad?   no are you ticklish?   yup. why were you last hospitalized?   i tried to kill myself. do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes?   baked.  mashed is gross. do you like bread sticks?   omg you have no idea what state were you born in?   north carolina have you ever been to an art gallery?   sure. do you have the same political views as your parents?   most, yes. what are you listening to?   a jim gaffigan stand-up if you could make your lips bigger, would you?   IF i could just snap my fingers and it's be that way, maybe.  i'd have to look in the mirror again lol are you one to sneak food into movie theaters?   sure am. what’s the funniest commercial?   omg the sexy mr. clean one bc i CRY do you own any form of a gameboy?   we have three.  i think two are broken, though. what’s your favorite store in the mall?   hottopic. have you ever seen a cat with blue eyes?   ... yes? would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? which one more?   never bought condoms before, so i can't really say, but pads/tampons, nah man.  periods are just a totally natural part of life for a woman, nothing to be embarrassed about. if you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go?   hot topic is preferable what color is the computer/laptop you’re on? did you buy it yourself?   it's black, but it has a pink zebraprint cover on it.  and no, it's my older sister's technically, but now it's mom's. do you have a second home?   not anymore. does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you?   all of them.  the worst is weed though, oh my GOD it stinks. was the last person you kissed younger or older than you?   two years older. how often do you drink monster?   never.  it's nasty. have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends?   you forgot to mention cringey.  oh, the pre-teen years. do you own a nightgown?   no. have you ever worn fishnets?   for dance, probably.  i'm not sure. is someone in your family affected by asperger’s?   no. would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out?   *CHOKES ON DRINK* do you always wear your seat belt?   always! are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   welp.  here goes.  high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, asthma, depression, bipolarity, cancer is in question, and i can guarantee i'm forgetting some... do you have asthma?   no.  my mother and grandmother do, though. last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two?   so long i can bring my camera! do you have a bull ring through your nose?   no.  thought about it, though. do you and your dad get along?   yep. can you see your purse right now?   indeed. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yes.  i have allergies, so i sometimes use it even when i don't have a cold. do you actually like sneezing?   ... does anyone? do you wear skirts a lot?   i haven't worn a skirt in years. how many pairs of jeans do you think you have?   i have no jeans.  just yoga pants and sweatpants... are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets?   hell no. do you love your computer?   yes ;-; do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself?   with mom. do you like zombie movies?   no particular opinion. what’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom?   saw an old lady puke on the floor once when i was little.  scarred me for life. x-what’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen?   this was never told to me, but to my mother: let your husband be your head/be very submissive to everything he wants.  fuck that. have you ever volunteered in a hospital? if not, would you ever want to?   no no no no no no no. have you ever had to give a pet away?   cats, yes. did you play pretend a lot as a child? were there any recurring plots or themes?   oh definitely.  and i don't think so... has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong?   oh, you mean like evolution? have you ever meditated? if so, did it do anything for you?   not the whole "ooohhhmmm" deal, but yeah.  it only stressed me out. are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now?   ozzy osbourne- probably metallica- no otep- no marilyn manson- i don't believe so rammstein- no cradle of filth- don't know a day to remember- no what kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live?   besides birds, squirrels.  occasionally a possum at night. do you have any physical photo albums?   sure do. do your parents and grandparents get along with each other?   dad loves his dad, mom loves her mom, but she pisses her off and offends her a lot. do you have a favorite hoodie?   the one i'm wearing now!  it's dark gray with pikachu sleeping on it and it says "current mood." :3 do you have a twitter?   it exists, but i never, ever use it. is anyone in your family artistic?   besides me, my cousin is. what do you want to do after high school?   after high school, i went to a community college very briefly.  quit.  took a break.  went to a university.  quit. are you emo/gothic/punk?   eh. would you date someone 20 years older than you?   definitely not.

[spaceorphan18]

SO’S GLEE EPISODE RANKING: NO. 79

I started a Full Glee Episode Ranking between seasons 5 and 6 over two years ago now (!!!). My opinions have changed somewhat since then (retrospect is an interesting thing), and I need to include the thirteen season six episodes I neglected in my original list.  With the two year anniversary of the show being over a few months away, I thought I’d count down to by posting an episode every day.  I’ll tag using: glee episode rankings

Here we go…

79. Saturday Night Gleever (3x16)

Written by: Matthew Hodgson Directed by: Bradley Buecker

Hey -- look an episode that makes sense in the late 70s, har har har...

Yes.  The rumors are true.  I am not a big fan of disco.  But! Kind of continuing the trend of this section of episodes, I think this episode is slightly better than a lot of people remember.  It’s just that -- disco.  It was probably an inevitability that there’d be an episode dedicated to disco.  I’m glad they got it all out of their system at once.  If there’s one section of pop music I’m just not a fan of, it’s disco.  

So -- we have some pretty straightforward plotlines in this one -- all about the seniors who have, according to Will, have no direction. (I’d get into a whole thing about how you don’t have to have everything figured out by the time your seventeen, but I’d digress.)  

We have Finn, which of course, not only is he Will’s main (and somewhat only) concern, but this plot line takes up a majority of the second half of season 3.  As irritating as it is to sit through a lot of Will and Finchel melodrama, the one thing I find interesting about Finn’s story here, and throughout season 3, is that there’s a validity that some people don’t know what to do with their lives.  But I kind of wish Finn had someone tell him that’s okay instead of push him to follow Rachel’s dreams because that’s something to do.  

Meanwhile, there’s Santana wanting to be famous -- in which Brittany helps her along with that by releasing an edited sex tape.  Uh....I don’t know what to say about this.  Part of me finds it kind of funny, the other part of me is like, well, this is why Brittana just doesn’t work for me.  But at least it’s not dull? Oh -- and Will is nowhere to be seen actually helping Santana, at least Sue tries to pick up some of that slack.  

And then there’s Mercedes (whom Will is also not really helping -- my god, her entire season 3 arc is really about her figuring shit out on her own.)  And, you know, she has a dream, but doesn’t know how to access it.  Well, it’s nice that Sam helps her out.  

There’s also the bonus subplot of the introduction to Unique.  I don’t think the writers quite knew what they wanted to do with Unique at this time, but it’s an entertaining start that leads into a great new character, and by far the most interesting thing to come out of The Glee Project. 

High Points: 

The introduction to Unique is glorious, and I like that it involves Kurt and Mercedes, and has some interesting conversations about gender and sexuality mixed in here, too. 

Kurt’s fascination with the polyester suit.  Idk why you want that thing, bb, but you’re adorable. 

Samcedes is incredibly sweet in this episode.  I’m sorry they didn’t get much development after this until season 5. 

Low Points: 

Will’s lack of interest in actually helping out anyone other than Finn. 

With all the discussion around helping seniors, why isn’t anyone helping Brittany?  Why is she not even discussed? Did they forget she was a senior or something? 

The fact that there’s barely any plot in this episode -- just a thin story to connect all the disco. 

Music:

You Should Be Dancing: The episode starts off with this number, and it’s a lot of fun! It’s pretty much a straight up dance number, and Blaine, Brittany, and Mike are a pretty strong combination to pull it off.  

Night Fever: This one is pretty fun! It’s a dance off, and while half of them aren’t doing disco moves, it’s still a lot of fun to let everyone have a moment to show off.  

Disco Inferno: Mercedes rocks out to one of the more tolerable songs in this episode! You go girl! 

If I Can’t Have You: Santana sounds gorgeous on this one (and man, totally rocks that outfit).  I don’t like it, because I don’t like the song, but she does a fantastic job with it. 

How Deep is Your Love: This episode is bursting with songs -- why do we need the disco version of Rachel singing about how much she loves Finn? 

Boogie Shoes: Not a fan of the song, but man does Unique bring it in her first performance.  She has such an amazing voice, and an excellent star quality.  You can’t help but be entertained. 

More Than a Woman: This is weird -- because it’s some kind of Finchel fantasy, involving all the other couples on the show.  I mean, I suppose disco was in the seventies....  This might be my least favorite number of the episode, but man is it worth sitting through just to see Chris and Darren screw around as Klaine, because this whole thing is kinda ridiculous. 

Stayin’ Alive: So, this is the inevitable last number.  I’m a little tired of disco at this point, and you can tell the choreographers only had about ten different moves in their pocket as everyone repeats the same moves they’ve been doing all episode, and Sue in that pregnancy version of that suit is traumatizing, but the cast is definitely having fun -- and that almost makes it worth it. 

Final Verdict: There’s a lot of disco, and a lot of Will being a dumbass, but some fun and enjoyable things in here, too! And, really, it’s not that bad, not even the disco. 

[hellotvv]

Valentine’s Day

Randomly up late writing this, since I figured prob won’t have time to write this tomorrow haha. 

Valentine’s Day... Hmhm, it’s a day that I can accurately recall for YEARS, always wanting a Valentine for Valentine’s Day. Idk, I guess when I was seeing girls or even finally dating a girl (Kristy), they were never around the time of Valentine’s Day. So somehow, every year, I was alone :( I mean Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday. But in the past, it kinda was like, damn Theo another year where you’re alone on x day. I mean, I definitely could deal with loneliness. But sometimes, it does get a bit too lonely and Valentine’s Day kinda just exemplified those feelings around that day. 

I guess luckily I didn’t delete my blogs after breakups/etc this time around (learned from the past lol), so I have posts in the past 2 years around Valentine’s Day.

In 2015, this was written in January but, “This is a pretty random blog post, but it really cannot be helped… I’m just lonely :( really lonely… I guess humans really are social creatures and need companionship. But, idk…I guess I always want what I can’t have. But it’s true… I never got what I really want. More than anything for years now all I really want is a caring girlfriend.I’ve spent time with some girls, made some good girl friends, and etc. I’ve gotten my first girlfriend in my life two years back. But.. I can’t help but be lonely .I really miss having someone to send good morning texts to. I miss having someone to send genuine good night messages to. Someone to send voice recordings to, someone that is happy to talk to me… Someone that thinks about me like I would think about them. Someone I could dream about, someone who I could talk to, someone to make memories with, and everything else..Besides the stuff I really miss doing, what I really want is to do the things on my list… I never had a girlfriend for Valentine’s Day to celebrate with. I just want someone to spoil on that day, and be happy with… I want someone to go to the tet festival with one day and go on rides together. Or I’d be fine with a cute Disneyland date one day. I want someone I can go on a real movie date with and cuddle throughout the movie a bit hehe. I want someone to nap next to. I want someone to cuddle with genuinely again. I want someone that I can go on a Ferris wheel with. I want someone that can be my wcw and my wce… I want someone to take cute pictures with. I want someone to set as my wallpaper on my phone. I want someone with a heart eye emoji next to my name and vise versa. I want someone to go on a bunch of dates with… I want someone to celebrate real monthaversaries together… I have kind of celebrated them before, but never together. I want someone to finally celebrate an anniversary with. I want someone to spend Christmas with, and so much more.I guess this seems kind of pathetic to write and want all of this. It makes me feel like I never really improved as the person from last year. But at the end of the day, last year theo is not too different from me now. We’re both still very lonely and wishes we had someone special to share our happiness with. Someone to spend time with, and someone to love…I am a stupid lonely pathetic hopeless romantic. But even so, I guess I just wish that one day, I’ll really meet the right one. Someone who’ll really understand me and love me. I swear I’ll try to be the perfect guy for her when she comes along… I will treat her right, make her feel special, and I will try to improve myself as well… I’m a stupid and clueless guy most of the time. I know I’m probably not good enough to be someone’s boyfriend yet, but I’ll continue improving myself to be capable of becoming someone’s bf.Man, I am so pathetic sometimes. My loneliness and emotions does get the better of me, and I’ll try to be stronger. Besides that, I hope that I meet that special girl one day. I’ll continue bettering myself and wait to meet you. Hopefully I’ll be an amazing guy and capable of being a great boyfriend. Since I know that you must be incredibly amazing and deserve the best boyfriend in the world. Anyways, I shift tone a lot, since in a way I’m writing to both myself and hopefully to my future significant other. I am done writing for now, and hopefully my next blog post isn’t too pathetic. I will push on and hopefully next year’s Valentine’s Day… My dream will come true haha 😁❤️”.

Oh boy 2015 year old me, where I was a bit more self deprecating haha and uhm maybe more lonely, less mature, and idk. This post is a bit sad in a way, besides the fact that I’m a bit idk desperate, since some of my wishes came true and some didn’t. It’s a bit sad that some of these wishes still haven’t came true years later, and still continue... It’s also a bit sad that when some of these wishes did come true, it was kinda ruined or the memories were kinda stained :/ 

Another sad post by Theo exactly a week before Valentine’s Day in 2015: “Can I meet some asian girl with side swept bangs, light skin, fairly skinny, and around my age… If she could be into the same things I like, then that would be great. Anyways, I hope to meet a girl that would really love me like I’d love her. I’d love to meet a girl who really cherishes me, someone who thinks I’m amazing, someone who enjoys talking to me and wants to, someone who would go out of their way for me, someone who would be jealous over me, someone who would be clingy over me, and someone who thinks about me often…I really wonder if I’ll ever meet someone like that, but I really hope I do…”  Oh man, sad boy post. Some things never change haha... Oh boy though, honestly what 2015 Theo wanted, 2017 Theo still kinda wants lol... I still have a side swept bangs fetish, light skin, skinny. I still would like someone who cherishes me, thinks I’m amazing, enjoys talking to me and goes out of her way to, someone who does get jelly and clingy over me, and think about me often... :( Uhm... Sorry, 2015 Theo... I have uh failed you or well you failed yourself. I mean, I’ve definitely improved a lot and matured a lot as a person. Butttt, idk maybe future Theo will succeed with this old wish lol. Hopefully it’s later 2017 Theo rather than 2018+ Theo haha. :3 

Final post quoting from 2015 is, “It’s Lunar New Years! Currently typing on my phone so forgive my grammar and punctuation. Basically life is going okay. I’m on that never ending fashion grind to look stylish. My outfits have improved a bit, but still have a ways to go! Hopefully one day, I’ll be able to get my Grailed items. Anyways, school is going okay. I have a serious procrastination and motivation problem that I need to fix. I will definitely step up soon hopefully…I am looking forward to my trip home, since idk. I sleep a bit better at home, I get to get some money from red envelopes, and potentially meet my friends. Overall, life is okay and I’m content with things.Am I happy? Not really… I’m not necessarily sad, but I am a bit lonely. I don’t really have anyone special to look forward to talking to. :( I just spend my time lying around throughout the day. Nobody to really connect with, nobody to share more about my day with, share my thoughts with, someone to laugh with, someone to be happy with, someone to look forward to seeing, someone to say good night and sweet dreams and hear it back from, and etc. I guess I still just want what I’ve been wanting for years now lol. I guess I always want what I can’t have, but it’s true though. The fact that I never had a cute beautiful girl to spend my day with. I never done so much and I’m hoping that I can one day. Like holy, can I please take some girl out and treat her right!? Can I please spoil some girl on Valentine’s Day or her birthday or our monthaversaries.. Can I please have someone to talk to before sleeping and think about them when I wake up first thing. Can I please hold some girl’s hand while walking, someone to make out with, someone to cuddle with, and etc. Like honestly I don’t think I’m that bad of a guy right now. I’m not bad looking, and I know not amazing looking either. But not bad. I dress better than most guys, work out a bit, have a bunch of hobbies and try to continue conversations, I am tolerant and kind, I treat girls well, and etc… Like honestly I feel like I can be a pretty good boyfriend. Sure, I can still improve as a person and learn a lot more. But I just feel so envious of the happy couples. More than anything, I just want that.. I would easily give up all my nice clothes and everything just to have someone special in my life… fk this is sounding like my old thirsty desperate post, but to be fair it’s my late at night thoughts… Anyways, I really hope somehow someway I meet that cute special girl… :(( sigh.”  Oh boy, it’s interesting to see where i was 1st year of college LOL. Uhm, kinda nostalgic remembering my early fashion grind and getting tons of packages that year. I think I slept better at home, since it was always cold in my room at SB since dumb Weslie always had window open and my pillow wasn’t the same thickness as pillow back home that I was used to. I still have procrastination problems to this day, and man is it hard to fix. I think I gained slightly more confidence around this time haha... Oh boy.. Honestly I don’t re-read my posts too often, since idk. So it’s a weird feeling seeing my old thoughts even if they potentially are similar to how I think now? Maybe I just don’t like thinking about how I think haha, I know kinda weird...

In 2016, was some more sad posts... Man is it always sad posts around this time of year? It was when it was some dark times with Stefanie... I posted, “ Time to sleep sad and wake up sad again… :( I’ll always wonder what would things be like if she genuinely tried… If she genuinely cared and wanted me…” This made a lot of sense, since I recall staying up late at night waiting for hours for her to finally finish her school work to make time to talk to me. Only to maybe pass out, or cry with me and agree to put in effort (which I still think was right solution to this day and hopefully it proved that in a way, since things did get better) only to change her mind or not follow through, and then it was a repeated cycle that she didn’t break... So it was just me being sad, every single night, maybe like her, and waking up wondering if this girl that I’m pouring my heart for even cares about me. 

I later wrote, “I guess I’m just sad and feel awful. There’s a heavy feeling in my heart and sometimes I just miss her or what she used to be. I guess in the process of going through the relationship, I guess she’s changed, but for the worst… Obviously change is can be good, but I really felt like I lost the Stefanie that I fell in love with…I remember when I first started to get to know her, I thought she was one of the sweetest selfless person in the world. I couldn’t even understand how someone could possibly hate her, since she’s so kind. She would do kind gestures, she would write really long cutesy messages with stickers, go out of her way for me in both small/sometimes big things, it seemed like she really wanted the same things as me (someone to try for her as much as she would try for them), she seemed like she really did love me more even at one point, she seemed to really appreciate the things I did, and so much more.But somewhere along the lines, she’s just changed… She stopped really caring about doing kind gestures, she doesn’t do the small things like she did before, she seemed a lot lot more selfish, she really started to just take me for granted and it always became about how she felt, I found out that she lies to me or her friends, she never kept promises (any whatsoever), she starts to enjoy going out and drinking nearly every other week, she emotionally cheats and starts to like other guys/even tells about this to her friend (who never goes, you’re in a relationship, and even kinda ships it), she stopped really trying to even visit me/do things for me (even small things), and so many more things… I guess I’ll always miss my Stefanie and wonder what happened to her? Where is the girl that I fell in love with? I guess I just feel so wronged… I’ve tried far too hard for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I got told by my friend Tina, that it’s okay and that I’m really unique and probably the best she’s going to get (in terms of treatment/never giving up when times are hard/etc), and I could only do better… But it doesn’t make me feel any better though… Since this is the girl that I’ve known for two years, I’ve dated her for nearly 6 months, and loved her for so long. Yet… I found out how much she really doesn’t care about me. How much she doesn’t love me. How she wouldn’t chase after me, ever reassure me, do small things for me (let along big things), won’t make any sacrifices for me, how much she really thinks about me, and so much more… It just hurts finding out these things. It hurts to know that it might really be over and that she never really cared or loved me…I just want to feel better. I don’t want to feel sad or hurt anymore. Can I just stop loving her already? Why do I care about her still so much…” I recall she made a reply post to this in a way. Idk, what to comment on this tbh. But I think for the last couple sentences, it was kinda true. Those things continued to kinda happen, she never really did do the small things or big things promised or make sacrifices for me, and it was all kinda just nice words/big talk in the end. But idk, not much to comment since I’m more focusing on myself for this post, but yeah this occurred.

Then Valentine’s Day happened that year or well Valentine’s Day weekend. Honestly I thought the weekend was a good weekend, or well honestly could have been a great weekend. The memories made were kinda good, besides the bad times leading up to that Friday. Damn, I remember that Friday kinda clearly too... Arrived an hour early, she was showering since went camping, and kinda just forgot I was outside waiting for an hour lol. Maybe she didn’t actually forget if I think about it. I remember going to her room and lying on her bed with her, dealing with my own girlfriend telling me that she think she doesn’t love me (kinda hurts to this day and makes me tear up a bit thinking about it), and then kinda but persistent Theo like always chased after her. I really could have just given up there. I could have just said okay like I did later on in the future and give up. It wouldn’t have been too hard to give her a hug, maybe one last kiss, and say sorry that I couldn’t make you love me, maybe hug her and thank her for the memories (I honestly would have, since I didn’t find out until after Valentine’s Day uhm really bad things), and everything would have ended there. But I promised myself, promised her, and truly wanted to share a life milestone (her first + my first + our first Valentine’s Day ever) and really wanted to make her happy. Legit Valentine’s Day revolved around trying to make her happy... Everything from a fancy restaurant since I recalled she said she liked dressing up and going to nice restaurants (she corrects me a bit on this later on, but this was the assumption at the time), puppy flowers to be creative, festival together, trying new food that day steak (which I grow to like today still haha), and just be able to have a nice weekend again with her after not having one for a while due to dark dark times. But yeah, Valentine’s weekend occurred and it was great in a way, until the random snapchat I saw from her friend Stephanie about Brandon. Anyways, I checked my old blog posts and saw this blog post that I wrote around the 20th after Valentine’s Day, “I learned a lot about myself over the past year and the start of this year. I guess from relationships you learn a lot about yourself. Whether it’s how you are in a relationship, what you like or dislike, how to be a better person (hopefully), learn more about things you didn’t know about before, learn more about a person, and so much more.I guess, I’m finally done now. I know I’ve felt like giving up before, but there was always small part of me that really believed… I guess after really thinking about things, I kinda figured that it’s better off this way for myself.I guess I’ve just been hurt too much by the girl that I love, that I just can’t find the strength to keep on going… I always try to keep my promises, whether it’s to her or myself. I try to be a good boyfriend that never gives up, would always chase after them, reassure them, try to fix problems and communicate through them, and etc. But I guess I really can’t after being hurt this much anymore… For Valentine’s Day… Damn, did I really try again… Like I really poured my heart out again and I’m tired of getting nothing in return. Prior to Valentine’s Day, I really wanted to make it an amazing day/weekend. I’ve previously planned a fun day Saturday with The Broad, maybe the Last Bookstore, other food places, and etc for Saturday. Then on Sunday, it would be a great day together where I give her flowers, a handwritten card, maybe another gift (would have gotten it, if I knew for sure things were gonna be okay), and a nice fancy dinner together… I looked for restaurants for quite some time, I asked a lot of different people for suggestions, I did my own research, and tried to pick a nice place for dinner. I even planned her gift in advance, I was maybe gonna get us matching baymax hats or something, and flowers ofc + handmade card. We had a bit of a rough week, but I still risked over $100 for the reservation (that might get cancelled) since I believe in her. I worked for several hours on her handmade card, and it was fairly creative too! It’s an animated card :D and I didn’t get her the stereotypical roses. She did get a rose, but the flowers were artsy and made a dog, which she apparently likes. I could go in more detail to the lengths and efforts that I went through. But it’s okay… On Saturday, plans kinda got changed since she wanted to go camping, which is fine. I patiently waited outside for her to come back, and I ended up having to spend an hour or so to reassure her that we’ll have a great weekend. She gave me my Christmas gift finally haha, it kinda sucks that it’s two months late, but I appreciate the gift. She unfortunately forgot to give me the card though :( But it’s okay! I drove an hour with her and had a wonderful conversation with her in the car, and it’s nice casually talking again. I took her to a ramen place that she didn’t try before, and we walked across to get ice cream. Then we just cuddled for a long time and watched some stuff from Totally Spies, Erase, and etc. But it was nice just cuddling and spending time with her. The next day was the legendary Valentine’s Day that I’ve been preparing for. The flowers arrived in the morning and I waked her up with morning sex, and then gave her the flowers + hand made card. Then, we went to the beach, which was unfortunately foggy. The beach is honestly generally really pretty :( but it’s okay, maybe a different beach next time. I got her to try Bruxie for the first time, and then we headed to the tet festival! It’s kinda interesting going to the tet festival with her. It’s fairly different this year, and a lot smaller actually. Maybe since it was during the day time, but it honestly is a bit smaller o.o Idk if it’s because there are rival tet festival now like the one on mile square park (literally next to my house) or not. But yeah, it was a bit smaller. But it was still nice showing her around a new place, and shared funnel cake together. We went home and cuddled and rested. She did a bit of studying while I showered, and then we went to get a small ice cream + boba snack from Snow Monster. I wanted to show her Snow Monster, since idk ppl like it haha. I think it’s just whatever? :P But it doesn’t hurt to show her new places nearby and get her opinion. She got the shaved ice and I got a thai tea boba in a cute jar. I was a bit bothered since I saw a snapchat her friend Stephanie sent her about Brandon. Honestly, is it wrong to not be bothered? Like seriously… My own gf did some pretty emotionally cheating stuff with him drunk, she freaking fangirls about her interactions with him to her friend, and her friend ships her and Brandon. Like wtf, how would I not be upset or hurt? Like jesus, I’m pretty sure most gfs would force me to cut off contact nearly or stay as professional if I nearly fk up and make a mistake with said girl. It’s like, how can I not care when my own gf is emotionally cheating on me, her friend doesn’t even support her + me (biased a bit), and she still keeps in close contact with him… Like, I even specifically asked her to stay professional in a way, since common… Like who would be cool with it honestly, and I really didn’t even have a problem. She literally makes it a problem by fangirling about him to her friend constantly and it hurts… Like this is the girl that’s supposed to love me.. This is the girl that I try so hard for, and she just looks at other guys and emotionally cheats on me… She tried to reassure me a bit, and I guess I just shoved my feelings down like I always do for her. I just want to make her happy… So we continued on and had a wonderful dinner together and took some photos together. It kinda sucked that I had to nag her to take pictures of the gift I tried really hard for… Like really… I tried really really hard for all of this weekend… And I really had to nag her to want to show off my gift? Which she instantly deleted the story of the next day and all history of it, then easily take a pic snapchat story of her friend’s Derek card… Like common, I worked SEVERAL hours, made plans, got the materials, and really went out of my way to work on my card… I had to plan the flower delivery and really think about it… I really really tried, and it kinda hurts that she easily deleted that day off her story for whatever reason, and it hurts that I had to kinda make her want to post about it… Idk… I guess I just worked hard and felt really proud, and just wanted to make her happy. But it just seemed like it was whatever… :( Like no, omg this is so cute and instantly take a photo or even forget about it the whole day until I made her take it… Idk… It just sucks feeling your hard work to make someone happy go to waste… I woke up in the morning and had lovey dovey morning sex with her. I showered, and then we slowly drove back, and things just went bad again out of nowhere… I guess she said school and blah blah her reasons. When I got her card, I was honestly a bit disappointed… I guess it’s the thought that counts, but the amount of effort was obviously not there lol… I guess she can blame time, but common… I told her she could write a note, and the note wasn’t even thoughtful or sweet in any way… No I love you or anything, no I care about you, like did she even read my handwritten letter on Christmas? Her card just said Happy Valentine’s day and that’s pretty much it lol, no I love you, or any sweet messages… She was even in a rush to write a half-assed message when we have nearly half an hour left together. Like common… This is a late gift and it’s my first and our first Valentine’s Day together, and it would be my first gift and her first gift for Valentine’s Day in terms of receiving/giving… ._. Feels bad… What makes it worst is it feels bad that she still doubts our relationship constantly and questioning how she feels about me… Like, how could it not hurt having the love of your life wonder if she loves you like you love her? I’ve tried so hard and so long all just for her, and it’s just not enough… I’m still not enough to make her happy… I can’t help but wonder, why am I not enough?I guess besides being hurt for those reasons. I think I’ll be okay… I learned a lot of things about myself and what I want, and I talked to my friend Cy and Tina for a while today. I guess Tina told me that I was in an abusive relationship, and I guess it really is true. I never thought that I would be in one, but it really is…. Like when she heard these things that I’ve done and Stefanie’s done, she tells me it’s so sad hearing about it. I don’t even know how a gf could do that to her bf, especially when he tries and is sweet unlike other guys. And that I deserve better and just deserve someone who appreciates and wants me to be happy, and that my gf hasn’t been a gf for a very long time… I always wanted for her just to once call me, tell me everything will be okay, she really really cares, and just chase after me. It’s always me just calling her and doing that…I guess I legit try super hard all the time to make her happy, and she just occasionally leads me on and makes hardly any attempt to make me happy. She emotionally cheated on me with other guys, and I still for some reason chasing after her. She doesn’t make any sacrifices for me, she kinda just uses me, doesn’t show that much affection, never chases after me, treats me coldly and poorly, and I’m just constantly for some reason chasing after her and reassuring her (when it should be me wtf) and thinking on how to make her happy… I never really thought that my relationship was abusive or that I was being abused until someone really told me… Like when I look at the things that I do for her and things she does for me. It makes me feel honestly awful… Like I asked my friend Tina and Cy this. Is it bad if I could make a huge list of things that I do for her that other people wouldn’t. But I can barely even count on a one hand things she would do for me that other girlfriends wouldn’t, if there’s even any..? I guess I don’t want to seem unappreciative but it honestly hurts and sucks, thinking about how little she cares or tries. For Christmas, she bought the gift super late for whatever reason (dumb credit card reasons, should have bought it far in advance lol like I did), and I legit didn’t even get it until February wtf… She could have even added to the gift, since it was so freaking late. Like common, no card, no packaging, no anything? The gift she got me was a bit thoughtful, since I did like it. But common, I got her pretty much the same gift (just slightly less customized) when we were just FRIENDS and not even really for a special event. It’s legit a panda plushie, that pretty much anyone could get me, in fact as a FRIEND (not a SO) I got her it, and the gift was two months late… I mean it’s the thought that counts that I like it and the customization is a bit nice. But really… For her Christmas gift, I got a decorative cute sparkly box that’s pricey for some reason.. I got wrote a handwritten message inside a cute card that says, ‘You make me really happy’. To add onto that, she got a 3D christmas card as well that plays christmas music and pops out trees and stuff… So two cards + handwritten and 3d/music + cool box. I then got her the new nintendo 3ds xl, since she only barely mentioned that she liked pokemon and wanted to play pokemon games. If that isn’t enough, I got her a pokemon game as well for the 3DS, since I wanted her to be able to play it right away. If it doesn’t make matters even worst, I got her this hello kitty plushie that she really wanted, since I wanted to add to her collection and be apart of it… My friend Tina was like WTF at this point saying, ‘omg, since it was like wtf all she got you was a panda plushie that a friend could get/give and over two months late? Like no letter or cute note or cute packaging or anything else?’ And I was like, yeah I didn’t get anything on Christmas lol, and I was told my gift was ridiculously thoughtful by Tina/Brent/etc… Then for Valentine’s Day, I did pretty much all the planning, treated her out to a fancy restaurant since she said she liked them briefly, took her on many different adventures in different places, gave her beautiful artsy dog flowers, spent hours on a handwritten card, and drove her around + etc. For me on Valentine’s Day, I got an unfinished half assed card with pretty much no message inside… Literally that’s it. 0 planning or anything. And this is the girl that loves me lol.. Idk I guess this will set a low bar/low expectations for future Valentine’s Day gifts to me right? Pretty sure a store bought card would already beat it… Since this card was given late too lol… I guess things aren’t a competition, but common there is legit 0 effort anywhere, besides the panda gift a bit… Like how does she even feel…? Her first Valentine’s Day EVER with a bf, she gives her bf a half-assed unfinished card with not even a cute message, and late while she’s at it… Does it feel good knowing she did that for her first Valentines and for mine? Like idk I would feel awful if I did that to her if it was her first Valentine’s Day and our first Valentine’s Day together. Does she even want to make up for it in anyway? If she can’t even do the small things, how can she do the big things?The thing is, these are just small comparisons on the grand scale of things… I don’t need someone to go out of my way for me, like I would for them. But can you really say any of these things that she did, a normal gf wouldn’t do better? Like is it that hard to beat a late unfinished Valentine’s Day card with pretty much no message inside at all, and does 0 planning for Valentine’s Day? Or a 2 month late Christmas gift with 0 packaging, 0 cards, and purchased super late too lol instead of early… Probably not too hard to beat honestly, even friends could probably beat it… It just hurts a lot, since it just shows through actions that she really doesn’t care about me or even thinking about me. I realized that she really is a bad girlfriend and I’ve been stupid and chasing after someone who doesn’t even care about me or us at all… Like I’m so hurt honestly and sad thinking about things I’ve done and her response to them… She can’t even make a stupid Valentine’s Day post on ig or post my hard work on snapchat, like she can easily do it for other people lol… Like really… It’s so ridiculous, I’ve nagged for over 5 fking days nearly a week to post it, and she keeps saying soon or oh i should and etc, and never does… Wtf? Like she really can’t make that post right away, when she can make other stupid posts ASAP or other stuff ASAP to her story? Like really instead of ‘oh i need to hm’, you could legit do it right then and there on your phone… It legit takes less than 2 minutes to make a post to show some appreciation for our memories, our weekend, us, or even juts for me… Like really? How is that even possible to type that and not just do it right then and there. Idk it’s just ridiculous and hurts that she even delays that, can’t do small things for me, and doesn’t feel like sharing or appreciating things I’ve did, since like damn did I really try and it feels like she doesn’t care or respect my hard work from her actions… Like for the past two months nearly, even when I’m hurt, heart-broken, sad, angry, depressed, and etc. I still fking try my heart out for her. She legit couldn’t even do it for HALF A DAY without complaining how much it sucks doing it. Like holy fk, I can’t even believe it. I legit was trying and chasing after a person who’s emotionally cheating, who’s neglecting me, barely gives me attention, ditches/abandons me (ironically her biggest fear is being abandoned/forgotten), doesn’t do anything to make me happy, lied to me numerous times, get’s angry at me when I have all the right to be angry, doesn’t reassure me when I’m hurt and even threatened to go to sleep on me when I’m the one who’s hurt + sad, and etc… Like WTF, if I can try for a MONTH for this, you legit can’t even try ONE single day? Like HOLY SHIT, it legit was fking KILLING her to leave a simple good morning message. It legit was destroying her inside for fking leaving a simple I miss you, or to talk to me lol… Like I’m not asking her to like drive 2 hours to see me, like I did for her… I’m not asking her for the world or anything. Like it’s so crazy for me to think about that she REALLY can’t do a simple good morning message, a random i miss you/compliment, or a simple hey do you wanna call, since it didn’t ‘feel that right/a chore’. WTF I’ve been trying in pretty much hell mode for over a month, I gave her a stupid break that I hated, I’ve been lied to/hurt/given up on, and I still didn’t give up… I still tried and really really tried with all my heart, since I really cared… I still left voice recordings, I still complimented her, I still messaged her first, I still WAITED HOURS for her every single day, I cried so many tears to convince her every night, I’ve talked for hours and hours every single night to convince her (only to go to waste the next day), and tried so much again and again without ever giving up. She legit couldn’t even do a single day of effort for someone who really cared and was really trying for her… Like she really couldn’t just leave a stupid hi in the morning and a ‘i miss you’ randomly. But I’m sure that’s super hard compared to what I’ve been doing in my situation… I’m obviously asking for so much amirite? It’s literally yeah, I’m fking her over for asking her to do this small thing for me, it’s the BIGGEST sacrifice ever am I right? Yeah, fk me for even asking for those things, it’s totally asking for the world… How dare I even ask her that, I obviously don’t give a shit about her at all, and not other way around… But really when was the last time she made a sacrifice or visited me at SB or legitimately went out of her way to try to make me happy? When was the last time I’ve done any of those things for her? Probably a lot more recent (every day, I go out of my way) than her last time…I guess when I think of the memories made. I feel like regret… It feels like all the memories made, were honestly all because of me. I know memories made together are unique and made from two people. But honestly, it’s stupid to say, but I legit made so many of the memories myself. I planned all the trips, I try to take her out to everywhere on an adventure, I planned pretty much the entire Valentine’s Day weekend, and she honestly was just there just to participate. Can she really say omg she made the Valentine’s Day weekend with me and we made such happy memories together. Like I tried super hard to make the weekend special and planned everything, gave her flowers, worked hard on a card, planned a special dinner, and so much more… All I got was an unfinished card with a half-assed message for my first and our first Valentine’s Day? It’s like, it genuinely feel like it’s just me that are creating these memories for her or mainly to create memories for myself rather than making memories together… Like I’m going out of my way to see her on her first day of school, for Halloween, my Christmas gift, planning these weekends, planning Valentine’s day, all the gifts, and etc. It feels like she was just there to receive it or just to simply participate… Like I pretty much made the Valentine’s Day memories, and she was just there to appreciate it and maybe be involved a bit… Like when I think about, what if I did things like her, half of these memories or more wouldn’t exist. What would Valentine’s day be like, if I just gave her some unfinished card late on Monday, and don’t give her anything or make any plans or whatever? Like what would our weekend or all these memories be like if I visited her the same amount of times she’s visited me? Would we ever made those ice skating memories, Valentine’s Day memories, and a lot more if I waited for her to simply make them? What would that wonderful day with her (on her brother’s bday) be like, if I didn’t make sacrifices and just go to my cousin’s bday party (who I really care about). Like what would our relationship be like, if I just treated her like she treats me, never made any plans, never make any sacrifices, never go out of my way to make her happy, never compliment her throughout the day, ignore her during facetime calls and not give my undivided attention, not try to create conversation, never visit her, and etc… Like it genuinely feels like the relationship is mostly my effort and only a bit of hers… I guess my regrets would be are not the memories, but for possibly wasting my efforts for her… Like I gave the right parts of me to the wrong person. I gave it to someone who doesn’t appreciate the things I do, who hides me from her story/friends, who gives up on me, who never chases after me, who doesn’t plan anything for me, who doesn’t create conversation with me, who doesn’t prioritize me, someone  who obviously doesn’t respect me, someone who can’t even try a single day for me, who never thinks about making me happy, who never goes out of her way for me, who lies and never kept a single promise with me, who emotionally cheated on me, who can’t apologize first really, who done so many fking horrible things from ditching me in the past (numerous times, one time really really bad)/ignoring me, who doesn’t respect me, someone who loses their feelings for me, and etc. I guess the biggest lie ever told is, that she really cares about me. Since if you really love someone, how can you ever do any of these things to them? I can barely break a promise with her. I can’t even stay mad at her, when I’m mad, since I care about how she feels… I apologize as soon as possible, since I don’t like conflict with the love of my life. Like I just can’t believe that I just trusted her all this time… Like the last time she freaking visited me was OCTOBER. When was the last time I visited her? Maybe you can blame busy and time.. But it’s really effort and sacrifices… Like really.. The relationship just exists to make her happy… Everything is all about how happy she is, if she’s not happy or stressed or etc then things are bad… It’s never about me not even once… But I was still fine with that, since I was selfless with her… I really chased after someone who just wanted to give up on me… I really chased after someone who does so many awful things to me… I really chased after someone who doesn’t respect me, someone who wouldn’t do the same back, and etc. Like I really allowed the relationship to get progressively worst too and accepted it. Like I used to be able to look through her phone freely without having to hide anything, and lost that. We used to be able to trust each other with our pws for everything (sure, she has a small point about privacy, but common we did it since we trusted each other/open book with each other/it required more trust to give it), but I guess I’m indifferent with this one. I guess it slowly just went from a good peak of watching stuff together, being lovey dovey, being open books, to her slowly taking stuff away in an abusive relationship. Slowly got less attention, no compliments, hardly any reciprocated feelings, lies/emotional cheating, 0 planning done on her part, and just became an endless circle of me constantly trying to reassure her and make her happy. It literally was just me chasing after someone who was being awful to me… And I just feel stupid for doing what I did… Like we’ve known each other for 2 years, loved each other for so long, dated and was serious in a committed relationship for half a year, and liked/cared about each other for even longer. Like how could she just let the relationship get worst and not care about making it better. Like really… Does not trying make anything better? I’ve done the break, I’ve tried to a better person, and I’ve been trying not trying now. But I just find it a bit dumb at times, since how the fk does not doing anything changes anything? Like do we just sit here and somehow hope things magically change for the better? Is this how problems are actually solved? When studying for an exam, do we just not study and hope for the best? For trying to fix problems in a relationship, do we not put in effort and try to fix things together and communicate? It’s like she doesn’t even want things fixed. Since she doesn’t think about me at all, doesn’t think positively, can’t even do a fking 10 second written good morning message to make me slightly happy, stop being an open book relationship (going from an open book relationship to hiding shit), stop trying to make things interesting/flirty, stop going out of our way to make each other happy, and etc. Like I’ll never understand how those things will make a relationship better. I guess it’s better off just sitting and waiting for things to magically change, rather than going out of way to work on things together and making an effort for each other.. .-. Like I’ll never understand the concept of, ‘oh if we’re destined to be together, we’ll end up together again’. It’s like no… It really doesn’t work that way. Relationships are actual work and dedication. It’s something that can be really worth it, if you put in the effort. Like you’ll actually be rewarded from your hard work and efforts (unless you’re me apparently). The grass is greener where you water it… It won’t just get greener if you don’t, and the other side will always look greener if you always focus on the other side’s positives.I guess it’s a lesson learned.. But I should have given up earlier… I shouldn’t have tried so hard… I shouldn’t have given the right pieces of me to the wrong person… I really tried to do things right with her… I really sacrifices a lot, tried a lot, and really wanted to be an amazing boyfriend for her. Whether it’s offering to buy her food (and even going out of my way to take care of her by buying food, when I’m not even there), visiting her without visits back, giving her groceries, giving her thoughtful gifts, making conversation by myself, waiting for her for hours without her trying for me, trying and communicating to fix our problems/being optimistic, going CRAZY out of my way for her, planning stuff to make her happy, complimenting her, chasing after her when hurt and sad, and so much more… It’s like wow, I really did all these things without really anything in return… What probably hurts the most is, how she made me feel like I wasn’t enough… Like I wasn’t enough to make her happy, that our relationship isn’t worth trying for, that I’m not worth trying for, that my happiness doesn’t matter, that I’m not worth making sacrifices for, and etc… Like I really used to believed she would do almost anything for me… But what has she done? If she was asked the same question, does she think I would do almost anything for her? :( Sigh… I’m just sad. But I guess things will be better… I’m a great guy, possibly a great boyfriend, and that I will find someone who will make me feel special and cared for… How crazy would it be if a gf said good morning, occasionally treats/visits me, give thoughtful gifts, maybe plan things sometimes, wants to be a better person for me, compliments me, and doesn’t give up on me/tries for me… Are these too much to ask for? Can someone just reassure me and tell me that I’m a good boyfriend and that she’s the one that’s losing out… That I did the right things mostly…I just feel like so much time was wasted. It’s like for two years (a bit on and off), and I invested so much into her. Yet, she doesn’t treat our relationship like a normal 6 months committed relationship at all… :( I just feel like I wasted so much of 2015 and parts of 2016 already. Like why did I bother staying committed during a break, why did I try so hard, why did I never give up, why do I always go out of my way, and why do I do everything that I do for her… When she doesn’t appreciate it, doesn’t try back, treats me poorly, gives up on me, gives up on us, and etc… Like I felt like I should have listened to my exes, and be pickier… Since I’m a great guy and I deserve someone who’s great too… It just feels so bad feeling all this regret. Like I literally went overboard and tried to do special things to make her happy, make her feel important/a priority, make her feel special, make her feel loved, and do things that other ppl wouldn’t do for her. Yet, she couldn’t even take 15 seconds out of hours of her morning to send me a simple good morning message… It legit made her feel awful at the thought of doing this ‘chore’ to make me happy. Like it literally mattered so much to her how happy she needs to feel to do a small 15 seconds message to make me happy… Like she really couldn’t even do that tiny sacrifice for someone she supposedly love… It just doesn’t make sense at all. If she told me even ONCE that she enjoys something from me, like pretend she told me she enjoys listening to my voice before sleeping. Every night, I would talk by myself in needed and wait for quite some time, until she’s sleepy and content and just wants to sleep. I’d continuously do this and never stop. Yet if I ever mention that I like something, even super small scale like a simple message in the morning, she couldn’t even do that without feeling like it’s a chore or makes her feel awful? Like what… It will never make sense to me, since if she mentions that she likes anything, big or small, I’d go out of my way to do it for her continuously. Yet she can’t even do a simple small 10 seconds act to make me happy even being repeatedly told that it would be nice to get one at times… Like it’s one thing if you’re not told it, but it’s like wow you know something makes your SO happy and it takes literally 5 seconds of your time, and you can’t even do it or feel like doing it… I would do stuff like good morning messages/good night messages/voice recordings to HOPEFULLY make her happy REGARDLESS of ANY knowledge if she enjoys it or not (I legit don’t even know if she does, but I do it). Yet is it not weird to NOT be able to do something small (5 fking seconds) that you know 100% (been repeatedly told) makes your SO happy? Is that not ridiculous? It’s always me and probably will always accommodating to her schedule or making sacrifices for her, never the other way around (or even as a mutual thing like it should be). I’ve given up going to a tournament that I really wanted to go to, I’ve given up going to some club meetings just to talk to her, I’ve always waited HOURS AND HOURS to talk to her DAYS ON END only to be pushed off/forgotten about/left hanging, whether it’s a midterm or final I’ve made some time and sacrifice to try to make things right with her or even drive hours to visit her, I push down sad feelings and really try to make her happy and make sure we’re okay, I make an effort to go to her milestone life events (1st Halloween/1st day moving in/etc), and so much more… What sucks is she never even let her friends know all the good things about me (well mostly Stephanie). I’ll always be misunderstood and she’ll never know what I great guy I can be/am. She’s quick to brag about a stupid breakfast or eating with a guy. But obviously it’s not worth mentioning an amazing weekend with really thoughtful gifts, lots of adventures like new food places/ice cream/etc, a fair, sharing a funnel cake together, cuddling, hugs, ilys exchanges, willingness to take her to new places every date/make sacrifices for her, always treating her, and etc… Obviously it’s not worth mentioning those things, since they’re just pale in comparison to eating breakfast with someone right..?  It’s better to send pics of other guys than cute romantic pictures with your boyfriend… I guess it’ll suck always being misunderstood. They’ll never tell her to chase after me, since they won’t know that I’m like as a person. Since I would support a friend to chase after their SO, if I knew they were amazing/wonderful/it would be a dumb decision to give up on them. But she’ll always be told to go after some other guy lol and probably to just give up on me/I’m not right for her… Since they just won’t ever know who I really am as a person, and that really sucks… I guess maybe I’m just not worth chasing after, not worth mentioning or bragging about, and our 2 years worth of memories aren’t worth mentioning after all…I guess it just sucks realizing that she never loved me at all. If you really love someone, you would do genuinely anything for them like I would for her. You’d only find them handsome/beautiful (I’ve asked friends/family and they said same thing), you’d genuinely care about their happiness and try to make them happy, you wouldn’t emotionally cheat on them, you would accommodate to their needs occasionally and make sacrifices for them, you would want to see them and be with them a decent amount of the time, and a lot more. You would hopefully forgive easily and maybe even get upset easily, since you really care about them. You also wouldn’t be able to fall out of love with them just in two weeks time. I know, since many times whether it’s my friend Matthew, Alyssa, or nearly everyone I know, after break ups you can STILL love them for quite some time after. You don’t stop loving someone just like that… Like seriously, if you ask some people after their breakups even a month or even more later, you can ask if they still love their SO. A lot of times they can still say yes, and it would be ridiculous to randomly fall out of love with their SO in just two weeks or less, especially after making so many memories/getting intimate with them. So I’ll never understand how she can ‘fall out of love’ that easily, and It hurts when it’s me too.. The guy that tries to be amazing for her, the guy that wants to be a better person for her, the guy that always tries to make her happy, the guy who always chased after her, her best friend, her favorite person, and etc.. It just sucks realizing that the love of your life, never really loved you… Do you know how many times I’ve wished and wished that she would just tell me something like, “I really love you Theo. You make me really happy and I only want you. I want to be a better person for you, and I really want you in my life”… Like I just wanted and waited to hear those words for so long, but I never got and will never get to hear them…But I guess it’s fine… I’ve learned my lessons now. I asked some rhetorical questions in a previous blog post when I was really hurt. I thought to myself, do I really want someone who can’t make ANY sacrifices whatsoever for me? Do I really want someone who wouldn’t go out of their way for me sometimes? Someone who doesn’t consider me important or special in anyway compared to other people (she even wrote in a blog post before/draft, love is not something you can just tell other people, it’s something special)? Do I really want someone who’s last time visiting me was OCTOBER of LAST year. Do I really want someone who’s gift for me on our first and MY first Valentine’s Day ever was a late unfinished card with an awful message? Do I really want someone who can’t keep a SINGLE promise, not even one? Do I really want someone who can’t even do small tiny things for me to make me happy? Someone who doesn’t care about the small things that I say? Do I really want someone who doesn’t care about me? Someone who gets mad when I’m hurt and sad? Someone who never reassures me even once or ever chase after me even once? Someone who lies and emotionally cheats on me in a fking 6 month committed relationship? Someone who is quick to send pics of other guys or mention small interactions with other guys, but not quick to do the same with me? Someone who wouldn’t defend her boyfriend and let her friends know that I really try and that I’m a good guy? Someone who never make plans with me or even make conversation sometimes? Someone who can’t look at only me? Someone who can’t even say I love you first or I miss you first… Someone who can’t even try for me, when I’m trying relentlessly for her? Someone who constantly think about giving up on us or even just me even after knowing each other for nearly 2 years? Someone who actually thinks that I don’t make her the happiest? Someone who doesn’t appreciate all the things I do for her? Someone who posts a simple index card note on her snapchat instantly, but not the 3 hour + planning handmade animated card for her instantly or until I kept asking her to? Someone who still hasn’t posted our Valentine’s Day post, but can post a simple beach or constance wu photo instantly? Someone who really thinks I’m not that chivalrous (albeit one case), but do you really think I’m not a gentlemen in anyway… Like REALLY? It’s like she doesn’t notice ANYTHING that I do. Is really driving at 1 in the morning to pick up a simple contact solution nothing? Is driving 2 hours to pick her up and her friends, drop them off, and take her to USC nothing? I’ve even offered on another occasion to pick up her friends and take them to USC, so they can visit her easier. I’ve offered to buy her and get food delivered to her NUMEROUS times while far away, she never did once for me. I’ve given her a STUPID amount of small gifts and really thoughtful ones with weeks of planning, and other stuff. I’ve driven hours just to see her for a small bit of time. I’ve won a plushie for her in person. I make sacrifices for her life milestones. I was committed for over 2 months when we were just friends. I continue to constantly compliment her, try to do romantic gestures all the time, really try for her, and so much more. I’ve given her groceries just because. I still love her when she’s at her worst. I never give up when things are rough/hard… Like really, it’s like have she even looked at the things I’ve done… Does she even appreciate them… I’ve spent over $200 in a weekend (I know money is not a factor, but it’s to show she means more to me than money) and sacrifices a lot, and she could even do a small thing for me. I guess I will never realize why do I do these things, when she hasn’t done ANY act that is even close to the things I’ve done for her in MONTHS? Like just this weekend, she was actually supposed to visit ME. But as always, it’s always me making sacrifices for her and spending my efforts + money + etc to see her and never the other way around (still 0 appreciation for this fact too)… Whether it’s words or actions, she’s never done anything close to what I try to do for her (big or small). I guess everything she’s done are something pretty much any girlfriend can do or even just a friend can, and even worst at it too (like even my friends can do better). But I’d like to think that over half or nearly all the things that I do, other people wouldn’t do at all or even come close to… Like Tina even told me, ‘wtf you got her a gift card for food to feed her, just because she’s hungry at night? Wtf nobody does that’. I guess do I really want someone like that who doesn’t appreciate things that I do (btw no mention or credit on that snapchat either, but omg ty other ppl for whatever small things they do. Do I really want someone who never thinks, “I want to be a better bf girlfriend/person for him”. Do I really want someone who falls out in love with me? Someone who can’t even apologize or admit their mistakes, only make excuses for their actions? Someone who really can’t just admit they fked up and promise not to do the same mistake? Someone who doesn’t make sacrifices or try to make me happy? Someone who takes me for granted? Someone who’s quick to give up when things are rough? Someone who can’t love me at my worst, when I can love her at her worst? Someone who won’t ever chase after me or ever reassure me? Like honestly I wonder if she had to ask herself, would she date herself, would the answer be yes? She can’t even admit what she does wrong, is inconsiderate with my feelings, and can’t ever apologize lol. Would she date someone like that?I guess I’m just done… I realized the answers to my rhetorical questions. I’ve realized I’ve wasted these nearly 2 years. I’ve tried far too hard, never given up, and really went out of my way for someone who I shouldn’t have. I really gave the right parts of me to the wrong people. I’ve opened my heart, gotten more serious and committed, opened up myself, and really gave it my all for someone who wouldn’t do the same. Someone who doesn’t respect our relationship or me. Someone who pretty much made the relationship an abusive unhealthy relationship, like is it really me that made the relationship bad? I guess I’ve tried to kept all my promises, but I guess I can’t keep them all… I really cared about her and truly loved her. But I realized that she never felt the same about me, otherwise she wouldn’t give up on me or us so easily. She wouldn’t have done all these horrible things to me from ditching me when I was trying to visit her and eat dinner with her/her friends, lying to me, never keeping promises, falling out of love with me, becoming a closed book from open book, emotionally cheating, won’t do small gestures, won’t think about me and try to do gifts to make me happy, abuse me, and just be selfish all the time… Well I’m sure she’ll be happy without me in the future. But good luck on finding someone who will care, keep nearly all their promises, stay faithful/try to keep the relationship always interesting/continue flirting, do endless romantic gestures, won’t give up when things are super rough, love her even at her worst, or someone who try for her more than me. Since damn, did I really try and care… I guess from her, I got to make more memories for myself basically and I guess I got to spend a year making someone else happy… Maybe next time, I’ll find someone who’s willing to make memories together instead, rather than just make memories for myself and have someone just participate. Someone who’ll really try for me, someone who really cares about my happiness, someone who wouldn’t take me for granted, someone who wants to be a better gf/person for me, someone who would make sacrifices for me, be there with me through hard times/good times (ride or die), someone who wouldn’t give up on us so easily (especially after 2 years), someone who tries to make me feel special/important, someone who looks only at me, someone who’ll brag about me, someone who’ll think they’re lucky having me in their life, someone who would be happy because of me, and someone who would truly love me… Wouldn’t that be nice?” 

Holy jesus, was that a long blog post. Honestly it’s so long that I didn’t even re-read it. I barely glanced over it and could tell I was just venting and was super angry. I think there was a recap of Valentine’s weekend as well. But my comment on it is, yeah, it was kinda tragic Theo idk what else to say haha. Maybe I should have kinda listened to Tina and Cy that time. Funny thing is, I kinda stopped talking to both of them. Tina just became really busy and her bf didn’t like her having a guy best friend idk, so haven’t really talked in a long time. But I recall still talking to her until some date idk. I recall the breakup though with Stefanie and talking to Tina a lot about it. Tina was heavily against me getting back together with Stefanie. I think I actually never managed to tell her that I did get back with Stefanie later on, and she prob would have been disappointed... But uh I did tell everyone else at that time, since I recall not telling too many ppl that we broke up? Oh I did have to tell Kai and Kristy/Jessica/prob some other ppl that we did get back together. Anyways, idk I guess it’s kinda sad times around this time of year LOL.

I guess connection to present day Theo. I guess I’ve experienced Valentine’s Day now, so I don’t have to stress/worry about the fact that I’ve always been alone on Valentine’s Day. Maybe it does kinda make me sad that my first ever Valentine’s Day memories are kinda sad :( But I guess I can deal with that. 

Am I as sad and lonely as the past 2 years? I’d like to think no. This year, my friends and I are gonna have a Valentine’s Day party, so in a way I won’t be alone on Valentine’s Day. We’ll see how that goes as the date gets even closer, but hopefully it’ll be cool. I’m glad that I matured more and got back to the stage in my life that I’m fairly comfortable being alone. It does suck that the first 2015 reference, I was alone and sad, and 2016 I was with someone, but it was still kinda lonely and sad, since maybe she only followed through with the plans since she pitied me and wanted me to have the Valentine’s Day memories after working so hard on the plans. Idk, who knows, idk half her thoughts/intentions about a lot of things to this day haha... But I guess after being sad and alone for so long around this time of the year, I kinda got sick of being sad, and no longer trying to be sad and matured enough to be okay. 

Would I have liked someone special for Valentine’s Day? Of course.. Like I wrote before, some of my wishes are pretty similar to 2015 Theo. I just want someone special that I can spoil and make a bunch of happy memories with... I guess the only difference is, I kinda learned that this time, I want the effort reciprocated. I just don’t ever want to feel like my efforts are being wasted. I just want to feel respected and cherished, rather than kinda pitied or taking for granted. Idk, so I guess I’ve cared less about having a Valentine. I care more about who’s the Valentine. Maybe a bit sad deep down that I won’t have a Valentine this year. But I’m more sad that I actually don’t have someone that does cherish the effort I would put in and reciprocate. Like damn man, a common theme of all the old Theo posts is that, I just wanna be loved. But yeah... I guess hopefully next year future Theo will make a great post about his Valentine’s Day. There’s definitely less sad boy posts this time of the year, a lot more okay and good days, maybe slightly less memorable memories, but I guess it’s better than feeling unloved by the person who meant the world to me. But yeah, hopeful for the future, but okay for now. Looking forward to my busy Monday, busy Tuesday but possibly fun Tuesday night, and busy Wednesday again this week. A 3 day weekend coming up too that’ll hopefully be great as well~ 

Valentine’s Day sucks. But I’ll make sure that I have a great one next year (?)!!! 

[twig-tea]

ID: tags from OP @rythyme

#like... p'jojo. you gave us 3wbf??? what's going on bud #only friends the series #ofts #am i misinterpreting boston? did I miss something? is this just a poorly executed representation of something else entirely?? #idk this really just did not sit well with me #i love pretty much everything else in this show so i'm disappointed that this was the last thing we got #bc I've been saying this the whole time!! boston DOES want a romantic relationship and he's spent the whole show coming to terms with that #he really does love nick #and he wants romantic exclusivity (see: Boston getting upset and jealous when Nick is with other people) #but physical stuff doesn't need to have the same exclusiveness for him and that's literally fine #idk i just wish that last conversation had been written slightly differently, a couple different wordings could have fixed it all for me #like if Nick had SAID "I can't do a non-exclusive relationship but i hope you find someone someday who wants that with you" #that would have been fine #not "I think you should be alone" #idk. just really sat wrong with me

really not a fan of boston very explicitly saying "I want to be exclusive romantically but not sexually" only to be told "You're lying to yourself. I think you should be alone."