#I need to write this new story idea I need to. bury myself in zombie au

[brown-little-robin]

I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #40: And Now the... NIGHT SHIFT!

January, 1989

What a kooky band of villains for our heroes to tangle with. I'm pretty sure one of them is Candle- well, a guy named candle something. I have a post to write here, I can't afford to get kidnapped.

And one of them is Has Watch Will Travel? And a Hollywood werewolf? One of the Monarch's Murderflies from Venture Bros?

Weird.

But the regular writer was fired partway through the last issue and the new subplot he was setting up was unceremoniously taken out back and shot. Byrne is taking over the book with unlucky number 42.

So that means two issues to either spin the wheels or try to deal with what lingering plot threads are left.

I think the only lingering plot thread is the Mockingbird divorce, vengeful cowboy ghost thing.

I don't know if DeFalco called dibs on wrapping up the Mockingbird/Phantom Rider subplot or whether Gruenwald just didn't want to deal with it but in issue 40 we get wheel spinning. And then in issue 41, DeFalco and Macchio deal with the loose thread just before Byrne comes in.

So since this is a fill-in issue, what do we need to know?

Last times on West Coast Avengers: A lot happened but the relevant bits are that due to a disagreement over creepy stalker cowboy manslaughter, Mockingbird quit/was fired from the West Coast Avengers and took Tigra and Moon Knight with her. Scarlet Witch and Vision joined the team so that the WCA wouldn't just be Hawkeye and Wonder Man. Mantis looked like she was going to join but her only supporter, Steve Englehart, was fired and she was shoved out the door.

Mockingbird's team is still just kinda hanging around. They're Notvengers but keep fighting the good fight. Despite Mockingbird's moral stand that its okay to manslaughter cowboys sometimes, its not like she and her team have gone around manslaughtering other people. They're just a trio of like-minded Notvengers.

And when Mockingbird sees a weirdo burying people in the road, well, that's the kind of thing superheroes stick their nose into.

Mockingbird: "Ahh! This is what I live for... Throwing myself into a situation where the slightest misstep means disability or death. ... Pushing myself to the limit... and gambling that my all is enough to handle whatever I'm up against."

And what she's up against is a Frankenstein looking dude called the Digger who likes 1) digging, 2) telling scary stories to captive audiences, 3) and apparently being a zombie.

He's really annoyed when Mockingbird shows up and interrupts story time and tries to wallop her with his shovel.

She ultimately beats him with slapstick.

And takes him and the dudes he had buried in the road to the police to sort out.

Outside of LA, the rest of the Night Shift gang meets in a spooky Victorian manor called the Tower of Shadows. I don't think a manor is a tower but the house does have a tower.

Tower of Shadows is also the name of a Marvel horror mag. Digger was a horror host.

I know Marvel loves recycling its not superhero characters into the superhero context. Archie-ripoff Patsy Walker becomes Hellcat and so on.

But a horror host winding up on a supervillain team but still taking opportunities to force people to hear his spooky stories is a step above.

Its apparently later established that in-universe Digger was the horror host for a TV show called, yup, Tower of Shadows.

Fun minutiae.

Lets go around the table really quick.

The guy with the giant needle is named Needle. He has a paralyzing gaze. I have no idea what this has to do with needles but he also likes to sew people's mouths shut.

Dancing lady is Dansen Macabre. She has the power to dansen, in a macabre way. Also she can hypnotize or kill people who watch her dance.

Guy with the towering blond hair is Misfit. He's big 'n tough.

The guys with the high red collars and yet no corresponding capes are the Brothers Grim. They conjure items that are kinda sorta like things from fairy tales.

The guy that DOES have a cape is Tatterdemalion. He can rot paper and cloth with a touch thanks to gloves soaked in chemicals.

Behind him is Jack Russell terror, Werewolf-by-Night. Bad doggo.

And rounding out the table is Tick Tock. He's basically Destiny. Mystique's wife who can read ahead in the script? Yeah, Tick Tock is that but not as good.

And arriving is Gypsy Moth, who has an awkward name and POWER OVER FIBERS. Also, she later changes her name to Skein, probably because her first one was awkward but Lymantria Dispar Dispar doesn't roll off the tongue and Spongy Moth (the new Entomological Society of America approved name) doesn't strike fear in her enemies. So I'll roll with the name Skein.

West Coast Avengers acquaintance the Shroud runs this group of lower case-m misfits but he's not here right now.

Skein flies in and reports that she's heard rumor that when Digger was shaking down the Calamari Brothers, Mockingbird the Avenger beat the crap out of him and arrested him!

Clearly, such an insult can't stand!

Night Shift debates finding out where Digger is being held and busting him out but Shroud told them not to cause fuss with the cops when he's not around.

Tatterdemalion proposes they all go beat the shit out of the Avengers. Sure, Shroud told them not to mess with the Avengers either. But he's not here right now, is he?

Dansen Macabre: "I agree, Tatterdemalion! And as deputy leader in the Shroud's absence, I say it is high time we taught those daylight glory-grabbers the lesson that all of the Los Angeles underworld has learned -- don't mess with the Night Shift!"

This is amazing, for really dumb reasons.

It will later be retconned in that Well Actually, Evil Parent Gang the Pride controlled the West Coast but that they laid low to not get grief from superheroes before they (the Pride) could destroy the world (which they didn't actually manage).

That means they were lying low while jokers like Night Shift were swaggering around claiming to own this town.

Big, serious no nonsense supervillains like the Pride having to hold their tongues in the face of these goobers! Its amazing.

Anyway, since Night Shift are clearly people who hold to Aesthetic over all else, they of course drive everywhere in hearses. The whole team piles into two hearses and drives to the West Coast Avengers Compound.

Since Tick Tock is reading ahead in the script, he directs Night Shift how to use their powers to confound the security system. Including having Skein disassemble the fiber optics. Power over fiber is scary.

Since the West Coast Avengers Compound is a bunch of buildings, Night Shift just picks the closest one to storm.

Unfortunately, it's the bungalow for the support staff and a returning Joachin Mendez and a newly introduced Yolanda Russo get taken hostage.

Yolanda hears the ruckus and manages to hit the alarm before the Werewolf OH YEAHS through her door.

The intruder alarm alarms, alarming Hawkeye who was napping on a couch, presumably in the monitor room.

Hawkeye puts out an AVENGERS ASSEMBLE on the intercom.

It wakes up Scarlet Witch and Vision. Vision goes off to see what's wrong, leaving Wanda with the children.

She worries that if there's actually a real problem, the West Coast Avengers might be in trouble. There's only four people on the team right now. Wonder Man isn't even at the compound because he had a Hollywood social function. Presumably to promote his movie. Which changed names apparently. There's a poster for Arkon IV: Barbarian Berserkers. But it was subtitled the Goblin Pit last time we got a title for it. Probably because the writer change.

So four person team. Wonder Man not here. Scarlet Witch left with the babies. That only leaves Hawkeye and Vision. A two-person... well team feels like the wrong word. A dynamic duo maybe.

Tick-Tock uses his clock powers to predict Vision is approaching and will beat up the Brothers Grimm if they use wacky weapons funny foam or exploding eggs.

The brothers user the twinkie-dust which somehow can congeal intangible Vision and force him to the ground.

Hawkeye tries to shoot flare arrow (flarrows) to light up the Brothers Grimm so he can shoot them with different arrows. But Skein unravels Hawkeye's bowstring.

The two heroes become surrounded by the entire Night Shift (minus Shroud and Digger, but, eh, semantics). Plus, Needle has Yolanda as a hostage!

Night Shift having a hostage doesn't seem to faze Hawkeye though. He hucks a adhesive arrowhead at Skein, gunking up her wings.

Unfortunately, Skein doesn't use her moth wings to actually fly. Its just Aesthetic.

She's holding herself up with her fabric telekinesis. And she demonstrates by yoinking Hawkeye up into the air by his costume. Which I have to imagine has wedgy-like characteristics.

Vision still can't intangible because of the twinkie-dust. And is soon set upon by Werewolf, Tatterdemalion, and Misft. And Hawkeye is being menaced by the Brothers Grimm.

So Vision uses SOLAR BEAM to evaporate the Brothers' magic clouds. They fall and WHUMMMP on the floor. And Hawkeye throws an explosive arrow to knock Misfit off Vision.

Teamwork! Or, hmm, duowork.

MEANWHILE, back at L.A., Mockingbird rejoins Moon Knight and Tigra in Moon Knight's Moonwing.

Mockingbird reports her Digger arrest to her two fellow Notvengers. And then starts thinking aloud.

Digger supposedly works on Night Shift for the Shroud. And Mockingbird can't figure that guy out.

Hawkeye offered membership to the Shroud once but the guy seems like a criminal. Mockingbird always told Hawkeye they needed to arrest the guy or help him clear his name. She just doesn't get why the West Coast Avengers never busted him!

I'm not sure why Hawkeye didn't tell the other Avengers what the deal is with Shroud. Seems a weird omission.

Anyway, Moon Knight knows that Night Shift operates out of the Tower of Shadows so he decides the Notvengers should find out what Shroud's deal is once and for all.

And its his Moonwing so....

Back at the fight, Skein threatens to drop Hawkeye from a hundred feet off the ground. And Dansen Macabre sexy dances at Vision despite his protestations that sexy-based attacks don't work on him because he's an artificial human.

BUT: HERE SHE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY!

Scarlet Witch: "Sure would be improbable if gravity went wild -- and one person were suddenly pulled to Earth at great speed -- while another floated down like a leaf! But improbabilities become realities when the Scarlet Witch is around!"

Yeah, since the West Coast Avengers have an actual staff, Wanda got Jorge to watch the kids so she could come help Vision and Hawkeye.

And then five seconds later, the Brothers Grimm throw magic beans which explode into giant cotton balls. Wanda gets trapped in the cotton with Skein manipulating the fibers so her arms are stuck at her side.

And Needle uses Paralyze Gaze to freeze Hawkeye from running to help Scarlet Witch.

Womp womp.

With the West Coast Avengers defeated, Dansen Macabre states Night Shift's demands.

They want:

Digger to be released by the police and all charges dropped.

That's it.

And if the WCA do this, then Night Shift will release their Yolanda hostage.

Hawkeye now has no idea what this is about. He has no idea who Digger is or why Night Shift would think the Avengers have anything to do with him.

A Brother Grimm tells Werewolf by Night to try to sniff out more Avengers. I mean, only three Avengers? That's not much of a team!

Meanwhile, with the Notvengers breaking into the Tower of Shadows.

They get a net dropped on them.

I mean, Tigra and Moon Knight can rip through it because its meant for more mundane intruders.

Also: apparently: Khonshu being in the driver's seat is not a secret anymore? Tigra references to him as "an Egyptian God in a man's bod" so.

After escaping the net, the Notvengers head down the spiral staircase towards the hideout.

Tigra comments that it doesn't smell like anyone's been here for about two hours.

Mockingbird says it figures that a group called the Night Shift would be working at night.

The Notvengers finds Night Shift's meeting room which helpfully has all their stolen loot on the table as well as a note from Dansen Macabre to the Shroud.

Basically just saying 'hey, we've gone to pick a fight with the West Coast Avengers, feel free to pitch in.'

Tigra suggests going to help the West Coast Avengers or at least calling and giving a heads-up.

Mockingbird suggests an alternate plan.

The Notvengers lay in wait for Night Shift to come back and Hawkeye can go fuck himself.

If he was happy leaving the gang alone to do their thing, then he can enjoy having a play date with them.

Also, this creepy mansion doesn't have a phone and cell phones aren't in wide use yet.

But one gets the sense that its mostly spite.

Back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, Hawkeye still has no fucking idea what Night Shift is talking about.

Of course, he's too paralyzed to say so.

Dansen Macabre tells Hawkeye that Night Shift is going to take off with their hostage so make sure to tell his wife to keep her nose out of Night Shift business.

And NOW Hawkeye understands.

Anyway, Wonder Man suddenly shows up to save the day.

Just plows through the entire Night Shift and saves Yolanda.

Tick Tock didn't predict this because... I guess his powers are based on eyesight?

Whatever, precog powers are broken anyway.

Wonder Man and Vision tear apart the cotton balls, freeing Scarlet Witch.

Misfit attacks Wonder Man both physically and emotionally by telling him his last movie sucked. Wonder Man ends up just punching the dude because he's strong but not Wonder Man strong.

That's the pattern. Wonder Man lets himself get beaten up for a while and then goes 'bee tee dubs, I've been sandbagging.'

Hawkeye throws some smoke arrowheads to blind Tick Tock and Werewolf-by-Night.

Vision punches out Needle and Tatterdemalion. They're basically normal dudes, in terms of their ability to take a punch. But Dansen Macabre dances and mesmerizes him. Despite his claims of immunity to sexy-based mind control.

Scarlet Witch locks down the Brothers Grimm and Skein by magicing their tricks back at them.

And for an encore, she goes and punches Dansen Macabre in the back of the head for sexy dancing at her husband.

That's her job, dammit!

Meanwhile, the Shroud arrives at the tower of Shadows and goes dammit the West Coast Avengers have broken into my sanctum and are touching my stuff! >=[

Tigra is specifically touching his itemized list of loot, which carefully spells out what criminals the loot was stolen from and how much.

Mockingbird quips that Night Shift is a "mob of monsters with M.B.A.'s."

Tigra then smells Shroud which means he can't just keep lurking watching them touch his stuff. So he switches right to spooky mode.

Shroud: "You have violated the inner sanctum of the Shroud! Speak your business at once!"

Mockingbird tells him to come out of the shadows because she doesn't like conversations with people she can't see. So Shroud just tells her to enjoy talking to herself and fucks off.

He managed to sense the note from Dansen Macabre so he's going to go bail out his team instead of talking to the people getting fingerprints on his things.

Back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, having turned the tables on Night Shift, the West Coast Avengers have sat them down in chairs and lectured them about how Mockingbird left the team and what she does doesn't reflect on them.

Seriously. Sat them down in a sullen little classroom setting.

This is amazing.

Wonder Man is confused by Hawkeye's tone of trying to reason with them when they attacked the Avengers. They're crooks. Aren't we going to send them to jail?

But the room is suddenly engulfed in darkness and Shroud tells Night Shift to skedaddle.

Hawkeye manages to pin Shroud with an arrow and get a moment to talk with him during the run away. But Shroud says they'll talk in the usual place in ten minutes.

So Hawkeye lets Night Shift get away. And tells the West Coast Avengers to not try to pursue. To their bafflement and annoyance.

The usual place is apparently the cliffs overlooking the ocean in the West Coast Avengers Compound. Make-Out Cliffs, since that's where Tigra and Moon Knight used to go to make out.

Hawkeye and Shroud don't make out though.

Shroud starts the conversation by going 'okay, none of this was my idea.'

And Hawkeye believes that but he suggests that maybe Shroud can't handle this fake crime-boss game he's playing and can't keep his dangerous gang under control. And if not, maybe he should quit.

Shroud escalates in kind going 'yeah, well you can't keep your wife in line AND she took half the team in the divorce.'

Hawkeye is just surprised that Shroud talked to Mockingbird. Shroud tells him that she's probably still at the Tower of Shadows and gives him the phone number.

BECAUSE THE SPOOKY MANSION HAD A PHONE, MOCKINGBIRD JUST DIDN'T LOOK HARD ENOUGH.

Anyway, contact her. Tell her to stop messing with Night Shift. And this nonsense won't happen again.

Hawkeye: "Know something, Shroudy? That criminal facade of ours is getting pretty shop-worn. I take it you're still not letting your gang know your true colors." Shroud: "Most of them. I still find my cover useful. You fight evil your way, I'll fight it mine. Agreed?" Hawkeye: "Yeah. I'm gonna have to let my troops know the truth about you and your operation, you know." Shroud: "I trust your judgement. Now... farewell."

Okay.

Shroud is pulling a Green Hornet. Infiltrating the underworld to undermine it from within.

Specifically, he's taken a bunch of villains that would otherwise be causing problems and redirected them to target other criminals.

It looks like a gang robbing other gangs but it keeps the real gangs from getting too powerful.

(And somehow the Shroud never learned about the Pride. I suspect the Pride weren't as influential as they claimed, honestly. Claiming they kept the West Coast free of overt villainy to superheroes would lose interest in it kinda ignores everything that ever happened on the West Coast in Marvel.)

Hawkeye has been enabling the Shroud by keeping the West Coast Avengers from going after him. And its not like they didn't have other stuff to occupy their time.

FOR SOME REASON, Hawkeye decided not to tell any of his team that Shroud was pulling a Green Hornet.

Not even his wife, Mockingbird.

When Hawkeye's claimed problem with cowboy manslaughter was that Mockingbird didn't trust him with it.

And he's keeping the Shroud's true motives secret from her for no fucking reason.

Fuck Hawkeye.

But also: probably because of the change in writer.

The Shroud batmans away from the conversation, to Hawkeye's annoyance.

To sync up with Avengers and to bring us right up to the Byrne era, next time is another West Coast Avengers. Let's tie off that dangling cowboy ghost plot thread.

When West Coast Avengers started, I never thought vengeful cowboy ghost would be one of the more long-lasting subplots but here we are.

Follow @essential-avengers for more good times. Well, the same good times. I just reblog the essential avengers posts there so that they're all in a row. Like, reblog, and comment!

[silversatoru]

Hi, I just finished burdens and OML 🥺🥺🥺

May I request some sort of megumi x reader continuous where the reader ends up becoming a powerful sorcerer (or a cursed spirit👀 whichever you’d like tbh) megumi and the reader somehow cross paths again a little while after the break up and he witnesses her fighting for the first time? I just know that boy would fall in love all over again but she’s moved on and he feels guilty and just angst? And maybe fluff idk. I’m new to requests so I hope I did this right, thank you so much❤️❤️

burdens pt. 2

a/n: hello, part two of this not-so-lovely story is finally here. every single one of you is allowed one free punch to my face for taking so long to write it,,, i’m so sorry. this is its fourth rewrite and it got a little darker than expected but it’s finally done,, i hope you enjoy <3

fushiguro megumi x f!reader

synopsis: you finally see megumi again at the kyoto sister school goodwill event

tags/warnings: angst, some graphic depictions of violence, character death

word count: 3k

“Do you know how tired I am of watching the people I love die? Things would be so much easier for me if you just stayed the fuck away”.

Megumi’s bitter words were on repeat in your head — the harshness of his voice leaving a hollow feeling carved into your chest. Tear-stained cheeks and shaky breathes had become your new normal these past few days. Tight, sharp pains filled your empty stomach, waves of nausea coursing through your body.

You’ve had no motivation to get out of bed lately, nevermind to shower or cook yourself a proper meal — honestly, for all you cared you could rot away in your blanket filled bed. You checked your phone like a fiend too, thinking that eventually, a miraculous text from Megumi would appear and make everything better. It never did.

He’d completely ghosted you since that dreadful day, and that hurt more than anything. You’d held onto a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't meant what he said. But as the days continued to pass, your hope quickly dwindled.

To say your current state was shameful was putting it lightly, and you were embarrassed at how poorly this was effecting you. You liked to think that you were strong, motivated, independent — that you didn't need some douchebag just to feel happy. But truth be told, breakups are fucking hard, and it's okay to not be okay for a while — or at least that's what you kept telling yourself.

So when you were trudging miserably down the street to your local convenience store and you saw a familiar pair of jujutsu sorcerers, you wanted desperately to sink into the ground. You made a quick turn to head to a different shop, but it was too late, you were spotted.

“y/n! hey!” Two lighthearted voices sang through the air, filling your ears and making your heart clench in your chest.

You turned around and anxiously approached them, your unkempt hair and baggy eyes sending looks of concern across their faces.

“Hey girl, you good?” Nobara shot you a sideways glance, Maki raising a suspicious eyebrow.

“Yeah, uh, ice cream,” You croaked, speaking for the first time in a couple days, “I’m here for ice cream, that’s all”.

“Yeah, but why do you look like a fucking zombie?” Maki pushed her eyeglasses further up her nose, her sharp eyes looking you up and down.

“Ah, he didn’t say anything to you guys, did he?” You shook your head, heavy eyes falling to ground as you refused to meet theirs.

“Don’t tell me…” Nobara’s face contorted, “Did he break up with you?”

You nodded, a pitiful chuckle falling from your lips, because if you didn’t laugh, you’d start sobbing right now.

Maki threw her arm around your shoulder, pulling you to her side and ushering you into the store, “It’s okay, men suck. Hang out with us today”.

Meanwhile, Nobara trailed quickly behind the two of you, anger seething from her teeth and steam practically billowing out of her ears.

“That fuckhead! I swear I’ll fuck his shit up big time, he won’t even know what fucking hit him. I knew that boy was stupid but shit, this is a whole new low for him! I-,” She continued to ramble and rant as Maki led you through the store, picking out drinks and snacks to help ease your pain.

The three of you ended up in a nearby park, sitting around a small picnic table and gorging on the massive array of snacks. Lighthearted conversation and lots of food make your chest ache a little less, and you even found yourself laughing and chatting as if things were normal. You’d told the two of them all about that day, about Megumi’s irrational words and his tragic breakdown that led to some kind of fucked-up break up sex.

“So, how are we gonna get back at him? Egg his car? Put bleach in his shampoo? Bugs in his food? God - it’s a shame his dad is dead because from the pictures I’ve seen that man was FINE and revenge sex—,”

“Nobara,” Maki shot her idiot girlfriend a dirty look, and the orange-haired girl quickly shut her mouth, “As much as I support any idea that revolves around ruining a man’s day, I don’t think revenge is the healthiest coping strategy here”.

You were tracing your eyes around Maki’s face as she spoke, and you found yourself carefully inspecting her purple glasses that rested softly on the bridge of her nose. And that’s when it clicked, the light bulb ignited in your head and you knew exactly what you wanted to do.

“Maki,” your voice was urgent, “You don’t have cursed energy, you can’t even see them without your glasses!”

Her face twisted and her nose scrunched, a look of distaste in her eyes, “I know?”

“So, you could teach me, right? You could help me learn how to use some cursed weapons?”

“Yeah! You have to Maki, then she can beat his ass with me,” Nobara chimed in.

“That’s not a bad idea actually,” Maki’s mouth formed an evil grin, “Could you imagine his face after watching you exorcise a curse?”

The three of your conversed for a bit longer, speculating and potting about training, weapons, and your very own pair of curse-seeing glasses. By the end of the night you had a plan, and a pretty good one if you say so yourself.

From that day on, teary eyes and achy hearts were a thing of the past, not because it was that easy to get over Megumi, but because Maki didn’t even allow you the time to feel dismal anymore. You met her everyday after classes without fail, and everyday she would train you until you thought your arms would fall off. After months and months of sore muscles, sweat, and the occasional injury, you were convinced that Maki was incapable of feeling pity or remorse for other living things. Every time you speculated about quitting, she’d set a fire under you, unafraid to remind you how weak you still were.

The green-haired sorcerer had ultimately decided that you worked best dual-armed -- a long, lightweight blade in each hand. On your final day of training, she officially gifted the two swords to you, as a “graduation” gift.

Skill-wise, you were by no means as incredible Maki, but you definitely held your own, and the progress you’d made in a mere 8 months was astronomical. They’d introduced you to a strange silver-haired man at some point, Gojo, who had taken not only an interest in you but also your plot against your ex-boyfriend. He cackled to himself when you told him why you were here, going on and on about how priceless Megumi’s face would be when he saw you.

Your appearance was highly anticipated, so why not debut at one of the biggest jujutsu events all year? The Kyoto Sister School Goodwill Event — Gojo thought it was the most perfect idea.

You tried hard to exude confidence as you walked at Nobara and Maki’s sides, but behind your arrogant facade your stomach was twisting itself into knots. Truthfully, you were scared to see Megumi again after so long.

And when your eyes met with his as you walked into the meeting room, you thought you just might pass out. You thought you were ready for this — but the look of complete shock, fear, and anger on his face as he looked you up and down almost made you regret all of it.

“What’s going on?” Megumi’s words were incredibly calculated, an edge on his voice.

His question was pointless, however, because judging by the fact that you were wearing a jujutsu tech uniform and had two swords sheathed at your sides could only mean one thing. Your hair was longer now too, and your frame was wider with an extra layer of muscle from all the training — you almost looked like a different person.

“I’ve been training with Maki, I-,” You spoke up to explain yourself, but you weren’t even granted the opportunity.

“No, no, Maki, what the hell did you do?” His eyes were shaky and laced with concern.

“I only did what she asked me to. I’m not the one who gave her a complex about being weak, you did that,” Maki shrugged, “and she’s not your girlfriend anymore dude, what do you care?”

Absolute confliction flashed through his eyes, uncertainty and madness swirling in his irises, “You’re right, I don’t care. Let me know when the event is starting”.

He took a sharp turn out of the room and let the door slam a little too hard behind him. The sound of his icey voice and the door shutting with unkind force was all too reminiscent of the night you broke up. Burying every emotion you had deep into your stomach you gave Maki a small, reassuring smile and plopped down on one of the couches.

“Alright, so when does this thing start?”

after the start of the event

Fighting the Kyoto students was proving to be much harder than you initially expected, but you were holding your own at Maki’s side. The two of you had easily taken down a small, kind, blue haired girl named Miwa, and now you were watching an emotional battle between Maki and her sister unfold.

Wait here, she’d told you, I want to do this one myself. Take some notes on my form and watch our backs, okay?

Okay, you’d said, a little confused but ultimately finding a nice spot up in a thick tree to carefully observe from. Maki was truly a force of nature, and it seemed like the other girl never actually had a chance of winning. It was honestly only a few minutes before the small black, haired girl was slumped against a tree and Maki was making her way back to you. Things were looking good, two of Kyoto’s student’s were down already and adrenaline was pumping through your veins.

You couldn't quite shake the awful feeling churning in your stomach though, and Megumi’s face was haunting your thoughts. You hadn’t seen him since before the event started, when an odd, pink haired boy jumped out of a box and freaked everyone out. Nobara had later explained who he was and what had happened, and you wondered how many awful surprises Gojo had planned today -- first you, then that.

A small rumble rippled under your feet, and Maki grabbed your arm as you watched a giant brown vine lurch it’s way out of the ground a few hundred yards in the distance.

“That technique doesn’t belong to anyone from Kyoto,” She shot you a look of concern and determination, “let’s go check it out”.

You gave her a firm nod, the two of you making your way towards the horrifying wooden vines. By the time you managed to arrive, Inumaki was already down and so was a dark-haired boy from Kyoto. A muscular, white curse with black markings and wooden branches for eyes was moments away from taking Megumi on all by himself — thank god you got here in time to help.

Megumi, however, was horrified when he saw you jump over the tall roofed building with Maki at your side. He’d just watched two incredible sorcerers get their shit rocked by this curse, there was no way you would stand a chance against this thing. But before he could even try to stop you, you and the green-haired sorcerer were flying through the air and taking shots at the curse. The two of you worked perfectly in sync, the months of daily training finally paying off.

He watched with intent glazed over his eyes, his heart threatening to lurch up his throat. You were a spectacle, and he always thought you were beautiful but seeing you now with dirt and blood stained clothes, cursed weapons gripped firmly in your hands, you truly were ethereal. He hated it though, he hated that he was falling in love with you all over again, especially under these circumstances. Guilt and anxiety was eating away at him — why did you have to get involved? Why couldn’t you have just stayed away like he told you to?

He was quick to join the two of you, sticking close to your side to protect you if need be — but, even with all three of you together the curse still had the upper hand. Maki had been swatted to the side, her back slamming hard against one of the tiled roofs and knocking her unconscious. It was down to just the two of you now, beads of sweat causing your hair to uncomfortably stick to the back of your neck. This was something that Maki’s training could have never prepared you for.

Megumi was getting tired, taking one wrong step and losing his footing momentarily. The curse saw this as a perfect window of opportunity, sending a spiral of vines and branches hurling for Megumi. It was fast, but the adrenaline coursing through you helped you to move faster, launching yourself through the air and intercepting the attack. The barky, wooden vines twisted violently through your stomach, shooting clean through your back and ripping a violent scream from your throat.

It hurt so bad, feeling the plant wriggle through your organs and tear you apart from the inside out. The curse retracted his vine a few moments later, leaving your mangled body to fall helplessly to the roof. Tears rippled from your eyes, your body shaking and seizing as you coughed up a few sprays of blood.

A long, strong pair of arms scooped you up instantaneously, and your head was resting against a firm chest — probably Megumi, but you didn’t quite have the energy to open your eyes to check.

“We’ll take it from here, get her to Ieiri!” You heard a pair of deep voices yelling to Megumi, but it was too foggy and far away for you to understand what they were saying.

Megumi was seething with anger, moving as fast as his feet could carry him and he ran through the school. As you waved in and out of consciousness, you batted open your eyes, stealing quick glances at his twisted features and — were those tears on his face?

“I- I’m sorry Megumi… I think I finally understand what you were so afraid of all this time,” Your voice was barely a croak, “when I saw it coming, I couldn’t stomach the thought of having to watch you die. I suddenly just thought I would do anything to keep you safe”.

Yeah, those were definitely tears, you could see them a little clearer now. His eyes were red and his cheeks were dried with salty streaks.

“You’re so thick-headed,” he mumbled, his grip around you tightening slightly as he picked up his pace, “I wish you would have made that realization before there was a giant hole in your stomach”.

“Me too,” You hummed, but you weren’t really in any pain anymore. The pain had subdued to a sweet warm sensation inside your stomach, and an intoxicating sleepiness was washing over your head, “I was angry for a long time, but I’m not mad at you anymore, Gumi. I hope you can forgive me too”.

You offered him a tiny smile, but the blood leaking from between you keeps made it anything but sweet.

“There’s nothing to forgive you for, you never did anything wrong,” He spoke quickly, his voice quiet and cracking.

“No, but we’re not gonna make it to Ieiri, I know that and so do you,” You fell into a violent fit of coughs again, sputtering red splatters all over the front of his uniform.

“Shut up”.

“It’s not your fault, none of it was ever your fault,” you choked out once the fit of coughs subsided — and you weren’t just talking about yourself, you were talking about all of the unfortunate tragedies he’d witnessed throughout this life.

“And you’re allowed to be selfish sometimes, you know? I hope that when you meet someone, your soulmate even, you can allow yourself to love them with every part of you”.

The words painfully left your lips, but you meant every single one of them. You were starting to realize that you and Megumi were never meant to make it to the end. You weren’t his soulmate, you were here to help him grow, so that when he did finally meet them he’d be ready.

“You deserve to be loved, Megumi,” You looked up at him with big eyes, but his face was starting to get really fuzzy now.

Your fingers were going numb and your mouth felt like it was filled with sand. You were so tired, letting your eyes flutter shut and your head rest softly against Megumi’s chest. You felt him stop running, you could even hear him screaming at you — but it was too far away for you to hear. You drifted closer and closer to eternal sleep, your soul swollen with love for the boy who broke your heart.

Megumi didn’t even feel sad when you stopped breathing in his arms — he just felt hollow. More empty and broken than he’d ever thought possible. You were the most incredible person he’d ever met — someone with extreme motivation, who acted with no fear or hesitation, who always had love to give, even when he didn’t deserve it. He’d never forget you, not for as long as he’d live anyway.

Even when he did meet a new girl a few years later — a compassionate, brave girl, who reminded him a lot of you — he wouldn’t forget. He wouldn’t forget your words and for the first time in his life he’d let his walls down for her. He’d allow himself to truly love, and be loved in return.

And maybe you were right, maybe he did deserve to be loved like this, because god, he finally feels whole again when she’s around. He just wishes you were still here so he could say thank you.

[teamddixon]

A New Normal

Summary: Set in the future of the TWD timeline, this story follows Daryl, Y/N and her brother through their journey in the world of the undead. It wasn’t like Daryl to let people in to his heart easily, but it was Y/N’s smiles that had captured him completely, and before he knew it, there wasn’t a scenario Daryl could think of about his future that didn’t have Y/N in it.

A/N: Hi guys, this is my first time writing a fic of our TWD badass, Daryl Dixon. It’s gonna be a long one, and a work in progress. I write because it makes me happy, and I hope it’ll make you happy too. The intro for this fic would be pretty long, and Daryl wouldn’t appear until slightly later, but I thought it would be important to touch on Y/N and her brother’s background since we already know Daryl’s background pretty well. I’m not a zombie apocalypse expert, and neither dare I call myself a TWD expert (I’m not, please pardon me if I get some facts wrong!), so some parts of the story may not be realistic. It is most certainly strayed from the current universe since this is meant to be set in the projected timeline after the eventual season 11, which of course we don’t know yet how Daryl’s narrative would be changed or if it would at all, (or do we?), so this story may or may not make sense after season 11 ends (maybe think of this as a spin off?). I do hope you like it, and don’t mind the fact that it is set way in the future of the universe. As mentioned, it’s still a work in progress and I don’t know how many parts it’ll be. But writing this is extremely cathartic for me so I’ll continue writing for as long as my brain (and my full time job) allows.  Comments and feedback are welcomed and appreciated! Please sit back and enjoy this journey with Daryl. :)

Photo is not mine. All mistakes in this are mine, please pardon them. 

There aren’t many moments in Y/N’s life where she’d just sit on a spot, completely and utterly at a loss. The camp where she’d called home for the last month was gone ��� just like that. Along with it, the people she considered her family. When an unexpected rogue herd of walkers stumbled across the cabin, she was out on a supply run with her older brother, Andrew. By the time they had came back, the cabin was in shambles and the smell of the dead overpowered their senses. Y/N stood rooted to the ground in shock behind the bushes, throwing a look of fear at Andrew. Biting back a scream, knowing it’ll give her position away, Y/N looked around, hoping to see a familiar face. A familiar face that was alive. There was none. It was too late for them to do anything to salvage their family, their home. There were too many walkers to take on and honestly, nothing much left for salvation.

Y/N had no idea how long she was behind the bushes watching the dead feeding on mangled bodies of people she once knew. She knew she had to move, but her feet wouldn’t allow. It was as if they were locked in position, trapped in the nightmare of a scene before her. The only comfort she could gather was seeing quite a number of fallen walkers with slash marks on their heads – meaning they had put up a strong fight against them.

“Come on, we got to go.” Andrew’s voice called out, his hand grabbing hers nudging her to move. There was a catch in his voice, although he tried to hide it. Still in shock and tears, Y/N willed her legs to move. Just one foot in front of another, just one foot in front of another. She had to keep her mind focused on what was in front, and to keep her legs moving forward. Y/N followed him, almost in complete auto-pilot. 

Without actually knowing how long or how she even managed to keep in tandem with her brother’s pace with her state of mind, he had led Y/N to a spot in the woods where the two of them finally crashed on the hard grounds. Y/N was shaking violently as she buried her heads between her knees. She had no idea if she was shaking because of the nip in the air, or because of shock. A low growl shook her awake from her reverie. She looked up to see a lone walker approaching from the right. Reaching for her hunting knife from her belt holster with her shaky hands proved to be a tremendous task. Y/N finally managed to unsheathe the knife and plunged it hard into the walker’s temple right before its jaw got onto her. She had no idea she still had that strength somewhere in her.

“Are you okay?” Andrew had walked over to her just in time to plunge his machete into the head of another walker that had approached Y/N from her blind spot. “Thanks. I didn’t see it coming.” Y/N mustered her strength and stood up before kicking the walker in its head with a mixture of anger and disbelief.

“I don’t, I cant –“ Y/N finally allowed herself to sob into Andrew’s shirt. While there were only a few people in the group to begin with, she have had time to know them through this shitstorm and had grown to like them like her own family. They were the people she had been moving with for years. They had lost some people in their journey, but they’d never lost all of them entirely before. To lose them all at once was devasting. But all in all, she was glad her brother was there. Andrew was fiercely protective of her, especially in this new world. She wouldn’t be alive and standing today if not for him. All her survival skills, her knife works, hunting and tracking skills, had all came from him. Y/N was not prepared for this world at all. Without Andrew, she would have become one of the walkers a long time ago. But she was a fast learner, and had more than proven her survival skills. Despite all that, she never lost her sense of hope and cheerfulness, that was until that day.

She was thankful for Andrew for giving her the time to grief while he single-handedly took down more than a dozen walkers while she was still in a daze. She felt horrible, leaving her brother to keep her alive knowing he needed his time to process everything too. Andrew didn’t say anything, he just kept her alive.

Nightfall brings another set of danger – the temperature had dipped drastically. Y/N worked with her brother to build a makeshift shelter with leaves and twigs. Andrew had also got a small fire going to provide a bit of warmth. If the walkers doesn’t get to them, the elements most certainly would. Satisfied with the perimeters, lined with makeshift cans and marbles to alert them when any walkers enter the camp, Andrew gestured for Y/N to sleep while he kept watch.

Y/N tucked herself in next to the small fire and tried to sleep. But of course sleep eluded her. Every time she had her eyes closed, all she could see was the grotesque bodies of her friends back in the cabin. She kept your eyes close despite that, hoping to catch at least a little sleep. Y/N knew she would be in no state to fight for survival without rest. Andrew sat next to the fire and finally allowed himself to process the events of the day. Most of the people in the group had been his friends since he was a child. He had grown up with them, went through triumphs and heartbreaks together. Losing them was painful. Losing them and not being able to do anything for them was painful. He looked at Y/N who had now finally fallen asleep and willed himself to stay strong. He couldn’t – he wouldn’t let the same thing happen to his sister. Y/N was his only family left.

Three hours into Y/N’s fitful sleep, she woke up in a pool of sweat despite the night cold. Before this all happened, Y/N always slept like a log. An earthquake could literally be breaking her room down and she would have no idea. But in this new normal, her body had adjusted itself to wake up within a few hours and it had learned to survive on a couple hours of sleep each night.

She saw Andrew throwing logs into the fire to keep it going. Approaching him silently, she gestured for him to sleep while she took over the watch. Nodding his head, he vacated his space before taking over hers. Y/N was on high alert, determined to keep her brother safe while he catch his much needed rest. Andrew had been there for Y/N all her life. She was only a couple of years younger so they were very close since young. This trip was supposed to be a break from work, but instead, they were thrown with an even bigger shitstorm than they could imagine. Y/N almost laughed when she thought about the irony. She would choose to go back to her office job any day over this. Before long, the cackle of the fire begin to diminish as the day broke. Y/N looked up at the skies, trying hard to fathom how this was the very same sky before the world had turned into hell. The sun still came up in the East and the morning birds still sang, but nothing else about the world right now was the same.

Gathering up all of their belongings, Y/N and Andrew set off for another day. They had to find a more permanent shelter, a sturdier shelter than twigs and leaves at least. Stopping by the creek to gather some water, Y/N took the chance to splash herself with the cold water. As the water hit her face, she perked up. Having not had a shower for days, Y/N’s skin was starting to itch and peel. Her feet was swollen with blisters and her arms were filled with dried scabs from all the cuts she sustained while running away from walkers. Y/N looked at Andrew with a longing in her eyes. She needed that shower. Convinced that the area was free of walkers, Andrew gave in and gave her privacy while Y/N washed yourself. He told her he would try to track something for their food today and set off with his bag, gesturing for Y/N to follow when she was done. A smile almost crept up Y/N’s face as she washed away days of sweat, dirt, and walker blood off her body. She hadn’t dared to take her time though. Once she was done, she quickly put on a fresher set of clothes that she had and set out to look for Andrew.

Feeling more refreshed, Y/N tried to put on a new perspective of how life was going to be moving forward. She was determined to continue living, living for the friends who couldn’t. She was going to continue living for Andrew. She didn’t want all of Andrew’s effort teaching her survival to go to waste. Y/N followed the tracks on the floor, hoping to find Andrew soon. No more than 10 minutes into following the tracks, she heard a slight ruffle of leaves to her left. It was so slight it was almost unnoticeable. It can’t have been a walker – a walker would have made a louder noise than that. It was most certainly a person. She smiled and moved towards the direction where she heard the sound from, anticipating to see Andre.

“Hey, did you managed to –“ Y/N’s whispers faltered into complete silence when a tall, crossbow donning man with striking blue eyes, greeted her. The man had his crossbow trained on Y/N’s head. She stopped in her tracks, knife in hand ready to strike.

“Who are you?” The man demanded. Not only was his crossbow trained on Y/N, his eyes were trained on her too.

“Y/N.” She spoke calmly, hand still steady on the knife. While she knew she’d be dead with his arrow before she could attack him with the knife, she weren’t about to go down without a fight if she had to. Y/N looked at the man, trying to download as much details about him as she could. He wore a long sleeves black shirt with two top buttons missing, a pair of cargo pants that were slightly ripped on some parts and his boots carried the obvious evidence of blood and someone who had been out in the open. Y/N tried not to wince as she stared directly into the man’s eyes. Although his hair covered the side of his face, she could make out his stern expression – an expression of someone who had been surviving on his own. But behind all that, she just had a sense, a strange and unspoken sense that he wasn’t a dangerous man.

“Look, I’m just looking for my brother, all right? I don’t mean to walk into your zone.” Y/N explained. “If you promise not to shoot me, I’ll just turn around and be on my way.”

Adrenaline from meeting a lone stranger in the woods had had blood rushing to her ears, muffling her surrounding sounds. As she prepared to turn and leave, the man spoke again. “Behind ya!” That was when she heard it – the unmistakable sound of a walker behind her. As a reflex, Y/N bent her body forward and side stepped, but in her haste to evade the walker, she had missed her footing. Y/N cursed under her breath but quickly regained her posture. She raised her arm, ready to strike, but before she could, the walker’s dead weight had pushed her, causing her to fall backwards on the hard ground, losing her knife in the process. Y/N quickly worked to fight the walker off but all she heard was the hustling sound of an arrow and the silenced growl from the walker. Feeling the full weight of the walker now, she pushed it off and saw that it had an arrow right smack between it’s eyes. Y/N turned to look at the man as he approached the walker. With one foot on the walker’s head, he pulled out the arrow with one swift motion with his free hand. He then turned sideways to look at Y/N.

“That was really cool.” Y/N couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. Seeing that the man had made no move to point his crossbow at her again, Y/N relaxed. She spotted and dug out her knife that had been partially buried during the fall and tussle with the walker.

“That was really cool.” Y/N couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. Seeing that the man had made no move to point his crossbow at her again, Y/N relaxed. She spotted and dug out her knife that had been partially buried during the fall and tussle with the walker.

“Thanks. I owe you.” Y/N gestured to the walker on the ground as she dusted herself off. “What’s your name?” She smiled.

Daryl was immediately captivated by Y/N’s smile and the sound of her chuckles. Earlier when he had heard someone approaching, he was ready to strike, ready to take them down if he had to. But as he heard Y/N’s voice for the first time, he knew immediately that she was no threat. He hadn’t seen or heard another person’s voice for days. But even if he had, there was something about Y/N’s voice and her smiles that enchanted him. Despite the situation the world was in, Daryl was comforted to see a smile that seemed to make him forget everything else.

“Daryl.”

“I’m sorry again, you know, for walking into you.”

“Sorry for ta’ crossbow on ya head.” Daryl nodded his head slightly at Y/N as apology.

“We’re even then.” Y/N smiled again. It was nice meeting someone else in this crazy world of the dead. Something about Daryl had made her feel a sense of comfort and calm, despite just meeting him a few minutes ago. Daryl looked away, feeling his face flushed from seeing her smiles. There had never been anyone who had that effect on him before. Her smiles were a huge contrast to everything he had come to know in the last ten years. He wanted nothing but to remember them.

[wiseabsol]

Let’s talk about why it’s a bad idea if Karrin Murphy’s fate is final.

Some quotes to consider:

pg. 217: “See that this warrior is laid in state,” [Mab] said, and moved her head in a curt gesture toward the Bean. “She has shared our enemies and earned our respect, and so shall it be known amongst my vassals and to the furthest reaches of my kingdom.”

pg. 366: “You tell Odin that Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden says, upon his Name, that if he doesn’t treat Murph better than I would myself, I’m going to kick down his door, pluck his fucking ravens, knock him down, kick his guts out, drag him to the island, and lock him up in a cell with Ethniu [ . . . ] I beat a divine being once [ . . . ] If I have to build a nation to get it done, I’ll do it again.”

pg. 366: Gard shook her head. “Not until the memory of her has faded from the minds of those who knew her. That is the limit not even the All-father may cross.”

So what points can we draw from this?

- According to Gard, Murphy cannot return to Earth until her memory has faded from the minds of those who knew her. This, presumably, includes immortals, whose memories last for a very long time. If this is truly the case, then Murphy cannot participate in the BAT. She and Hendricks will be benched for Ragnarok. In short: Murphy is fucked. 

- Dresden has sealed away a Titan and is willing to do the same to a god. He is currently planning to build his own magical community. Would it really be that surprising if he is willing and able to do something that a god cannot in a future book? Especially when, as mentioned above, Murphy is fucked?

But let’s unpack this more:

First, let’s look at this from a writing standpoint. Why does this rule need to be in place? The short answer is that Butcher is covering his bases. Once we, the readers, learn that Odin has snatched Murphy’s body and is making her into an einherjar, we feel a burst of hope and relief. After all, we’ve seen einherjar before, so doesn’t that mean that we can look forward to Murphy returning at a later date?

Butcher doesn’t want us to think that, though. He wants us to feel as though she’s gone forever...even though we know that the BAT, aka Ragnarok, is coming up, and the einherjar are destined to fight in it. So how does he try to throw us off? He comes up with something that feels...contrived. Something that isn’t a part of the einherjar myth. “She can’t come back! Because--because everyone has to forget about her first! Yes, that’s it! Her fate is final because of this rule I’m only just now saying is a thing!”

But why should we buy this? This is a series in which Dresden is constantly pushing past his own limitations and the roadblocks placed in front of him, and where other characters aren’t afraid to do the same. It’s a series in which the rules are set up to be broken in creative ways (zombie T-Rex, anyone?). Even reality itself can be shattered (and why set that up in Battle Ground if you’re not going to do it in the BAT?).

Aside from that, though, if Murphy really is gone, then we’re left with some problems:

1. Murphy’s death is pointless. As much as Butcher tries to have the characters say that she died fighting a Jotun, she didn’t. She was killed on accident by a scared cop. That’s not satisfying. It could have been if it had more set-up across multiple books, and if Murphy had spent some time grappling with poorly trained officers and cases of police brutality (maybe even cases in which she’d gone too far). But the Dresden Files is stuck in the 90′s in a lot of ways, complete with valourizing “good cops” like Murphy and chalking up “bad cops” like Rudolph to a weakness of character, rather than admitting that there’s a problem with the institution as a whole. In short: This isn’t even political commentary on Butcher’s part. It adds absolutely nothing to the series. 

2. Odin making Murphy into an einherjar is arguably a Fate Worse Than Death for her, rather than a reward. Why? First, her Catholic faith has been ignored. Her soul is not going to the god she chose (did Odin even ask her if she wanted to go to Valhalla? Did Murphy consider it an honor?). Second, everyone she knows and loves will have to die before she can fight again--and what’s the point of her fighting then? Third, she will be forced to sit out of Ragnarok/the BAT. So Odin, in addition to doing a disservice to Murphy, would be benching a warrior during the End Times. How does that make strategic sense? Also, if he’s not going to use his shiny new einherjar, why make her into one at all? Why not just let her be buried and let her soul go to her own god?

3. How much agency does Murphy have in this scenario? Would she really accept the above rule and choose to not help her friends with her new powers? Does that sound like her?

4. If Murphy stays gone, it means that yet another woman has been written out of the story to give Dresden manpain. That’s exhausting, especially considering how poorly Butcher has treated his female characters in the past. Losing Murphy, who is arguably our main female character, feels like adding insult to injury after what happened with Susan, Molly, Lash, and so many others. Why should female readers keep reading a series in which almost every woman character is tortured, killed, or transformed against their will?  

5. Murphy and Marcone were the last important vanilla mortals. If she’s gone for good, then between that and Marcone now being magical, we are left with a series in which normal people--including those with disablilites--can’t survive and make a difference in the fight between magical forces. They’re victims to be protected by Dresden--and thus don’t have agency--or canon fodder if they do get involved. While I suspect that Randy will act as their voice in future books, losing both Murphy and the non-magical Marcone is a blow that I’m not sure the series can recover from. As one reader put it, it’s hard for us to see ourselves in this world anymore, considering that there are no characters like us left in it. Granted, this is a problem even if Murphy returns as an einherjar. But Murphy didn’t have to die in this book, so this problem could have been avoided.   

6. And on a more petty note: Teasing a Dresden and Murphy relationship for ten+ books, and then throwing it away in one, is a nasty thing to do to the readers who were invested in that subplot. “Characters in happy relationships aren’t compelling” is also a weak excuse for doing it, considering that those characters have more to fight for when the world is ending. Finally, just to point out something small: Murphy had sex with Dresden for the first time on the evening of Day 1 of the peace talks, then died on the morning of Day 4. That’s not cool. Butcher can do better.

[finding-fallen-stars]

YGO Questionnaire Part 2 Electric Boogaloo

So, my gf/bf @howaboutalittlehelpneos tagged me to do this again a... good long while ago, and I had wanted to wait until I'd finished my GX rewatch before trying this again. But ouch oof I accidentally also got through all of 5Ds again before getting to this lol

But the 5Ds rewatch definitely reshaped a lot of my thoughts, so... cracks knuckles. This won't be spoiler free, fair warning~

Favorite Series: ugh the formatting killed my original essay on this but okay GX and 5Ds are pretty tied in my book, now-- I love them equally, but in different ways! GX fulfills my love for subversive coming-of-age stories with a heartwarming, humorous, and also soulcrushing touch, and I love how each season brings a new story and new characters-- it's like reading installments of a novel series, and I think the formatting works wonders for it as a whole. It has some absolutely phenomenal character writing, too-- even the characters I dislike are ones I can appreciate for what they introduce to the story! And honestly, not enough people give the first two seasons of GX the credit it deserves: they're half the charm, really. How are you going to feel the full impact of the heartbreaking content in seasons 3 and 4 if you aren't properly attached to the characters?

But on 5Ds's side of things... it fulfills my love for stories with time loops, found family, human nature, and of course, love and death and how they intertwine. I love how the leading characters are just a bunch of broken kids from broken circumstances who all find a home with each other, and of course, how it highlights class disparity and how fucked up the prison/"justice" systems are. Yea, sure, maybe it underwent executive meddling and all, but I genuinely love it for what it is and I wish more people appreciated it... my only problem with 5Ds is the untwist with Z-ONE and then the ending s m h I adore it overall and I could go off for a long while on it. Overall, these are my two instinctive recommendations for anyone getting into Yugioh!

(look at these boys they're so important) Favorite Protagonist: Oh, believe me, absolutely nothing has changed here-- Yusei Fudo is and always will be my favorite protagonist, and my rewatch only solidified that.

I just... love him so much? He's seen so much hell in his life and carries so much guilt on his shoulders, but he still has room in his heart to believe in others and to believe that anyone can defy fate and find hope even at rock bottom. I love that he's initially introduced as this quiet, brooding figure when he really just turns out to be a huge softie who wears his heart on his sleeve half the time and wants to bring about change for Satellite and its people. Plus I just really love that his greatest flaw is something that would ordinarily be a positive trait-- he's Overly self-sacrificial, to the point where he's basically setting himself on fire to keep others warm, and that's not really framed as something Heroic

Just... he makes me so happy. I have two Yusei charms that I ordinarily keep on my keys (one was a gift from Zenzen) and they're a constant source of serotonin for me. He's Peak comfort character for me. Best protag in my book Favorite Rival: Same deal here-- still Manjoume!

look at him he's so important

While he spends a lot of the anime getting the good old damsel in distress treatment (getting suckered into a cult, getting knocked into a coma, becoming a zombie, getting fucking Killed, etc), I still think his character arc is really well-written overall and I only appreciated it even more when I watched GX again. I love the fact that he's got a soft heart he buries beneath the edgy facade, and that he's simultaneously really sharp and also kind of dense lol. He's just a fun character and watching how he evolves from episode one to episode one hundred eighty is such a satisfying journey.

Plus, props to him for being such a versatile duelist-- 50 wins in a row is HARD as is, let alone with a deck full of cards he just found laying around in the Arctic. Three ace monsters, three different archetypes... he's a really good duelist and I'm proud of him for it

Oh, but honestly, I don't really dislike any of the rivals-- I'm neutral towards Revolver and Reiji, but the remaining four (Kaiba, Manjoume, Jack, and Shark) compel me. yes I accidentally wound up liking Jack Atlas shhh Favorite BFF: Honestly, I really like most of the characters who fit this archetype-- Joey, Crow, Gongenzaka, Soulburner... I still lean a little bit more towards Joey, but I really appreciate all four of them. I'm gonna say Joey again, just because I find his evolution as a character the most compelling, but I appreciate the other three a lot. Soulburner has the best design though Favorite GFF: Oh absolutely still Aki, but I honestly... really love most female Yugioh characters? I'm assuming this is lead girls only, but like. I'm dumb and gay and I love Girls so this is naturally the most difficult one for me to answer lol

Aki just resonates with me the most because she's the prime example of how trauma doesn't always manifest in palatable ways-- when we first meet her, she's angry and lashes out at anyone and anything just because she wants the world to suffer in the same ways she's suffered, and then... we get to watch her grow from that, once she's free from Divine and able to heal the way she needs to heal. I know the second half of 5Ds didn't give her character the attention it deserved, but I'm still proud of her for winding up on the path she did-- seeing her channel her power and energy into wanting to heal and help others was just so good and was one of the few things I really Loved about the 5Ds ending.

oh, but like. Asuka Tenjoin and Aoi Zaizen are very close seconds for me!!! Aki just has a vice grip on my heart Favorite Villain: Okay, it's still technically Vector-- I think he's the most entertaining, well-written, and effective villain out of all of the ones we've seen so far, but... I also want to add Takuma Saiou and then all of Yliaster as honorable mentions?

As someone fond of tarot myself, I was naturally pretty intrigued by Saiou the first time I watched GX, but my attachment to him only grew the second time around where I actually got the chance to understand his character better. Plus, like... the visuals with him are fucking astounding and he's always so interesting to watch.

As for Yliaster, I just... really love how the big bad of 5Ds turned out to just essentially be a broken man desperate to save anyone and anything and three robotic reconstructions of the friends he'd lost. I still think the untwist with Z-ONE was stupid and I much prefer the idea of him and Yusei being the same person, but I'm still compelled by the other three-- well. Paradox less so, because we don't get a lot of Paradox lore, but. Aporia and Antinomy for sure.

ugh Yugioh has some damn good villains

Favorite Card: now that I actually play the TCG game...

Stardust is always going to be my favorite of all cards because it checks every box for me (my favorite YGO character's ace monster, space theme, what more could I want), but Aromaseraphy Rosemary has really become one of my aces in my best TCG deck! I'm still mastering irl plays, but I'm happy with my progress and I love my plant gang...

Favorite Episode: alright, here's where there's actually been a Lot of change, so...

Season 0: Episode 16: "Turnabout by a Hair's Breadth - The White-Robed Crisis" -- The more I think about this one, the more I love it; there's a... lot of corruption in the medical industry, and I've seen a lot of it firsthand, so just. Seeing a corrupt doctor get what he deserved at the end was cathartic, in a way? Plus, a Jounouchi-centric episode is always a good time.

Duel Monsters: Episodes 96-97: "Darkness vs. Darkness/One Turn Kill" -- this hasn't changed, I still love seeing Marik and Bakura bitch at each other for two whole episodes LMAO

GX: Episode 152: "Activate Super-Fusion! Rainbow Neos" -- This one hasn't changed and it likely never will-- I take so much pride in seeing Judai push forward, past the fear and guilt he's carrying, all to save Johan... it's cathartic and I never get sick of watching it.

5Ds: sweats. still all of Crash Town, but also episodes 137-147-- the Ark Cradle is one of my favorite parts of 5Ds and one of my favorite YGO arcs period, and even though each duel is a fucking gut punch, I love the emotional intensity and weight in each episode... It hurts but in a mostly good way

Zexal: Episode 143: "The Aloof Duelist 'Nasch': The Destined Final Duel" -- this one hasn't changed! Still hurts, still love it, I still weep over Ryouga Shark Kamishiro on a daily basis

Arc-V: Episodes 81-82: "Our Respective Battlefields/The Ultimate Falcon VS The Black-Feathered Thunder" -- Okay, honestly, this was hard because I... genuinely. really don't like Arc-V very much at all lol (it's just not my cup of tea, but more power to those who do like it!), but I thought this duel was a lot of fun! Shun is my absolute favorite from Arc-V and I really like the friendship he struck up with Crow a lot, so here we are

VRAINS (so far): Episode 25-26: "Virus Deck Operation/Three Draws Leading to Hope" -- honestly I am so biased because I just really love Blue Angel and I loved seeing her get a well-deserved victory like this lol. I'm not done with VRAINS, so this is probably gonna change, but anytime Blue Angel or Soulburner are on screen, I'm happy

Favorite Decks to Use: Aromages will always have my heart, but I adore Cyber Angels too! I'm building my Trickstar deck, my Synchron/Stardust deck (just waiting on Dawn of Majesty...), and my Magician Girls deck, too! Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, XYZ, Pendulum, or Link?: Synchros my beloved... but also Ritual Years in fandom: I've been here for just a little over one year now! and I wuv it... I'm never looking back Who am I tagging: no one I'm too shy

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 508

I mean, shame on me for allowing myself to get my hopes up that the show might have turned a corner last week. I should know better by now.

At least Young Ian’s back. And Marsali had a nice moment. And that’s about all I have to say about this episode that’s positive. I swear to fuck, this show hates Claire as much as the author of the books does. Where the fuck is the lead protagonist, show? Can she come back? Can she get a story line of her own that’s more than just a random scene every few episodes, please? And can Bree please be given something to fucking do that doesn’t involve Roger, Jemmy or rape? Does Fergus still even live on the Ridge?

But yeah, I guess let’s just all watch the episode twice so our dumb lady!brains can understand that Matt’s stupid silent movie gimmick was actually ~ArT~ and not, you know, a stupidly bad creative choice. Seriously, fuck that guy.

I can’t tell you how much idgaf about watching Roger teach. Also, Bree’s like his students’ age since she was in college too. So really all this bit is doing is to make me skeeved out about their age difference.

“Can you tell me why anyone would go to the trouble of burying one?” he said, condescendingly, like the doucherocket he is. Do not disrespect Young Ian like that, asshat.

“People live and die by their words.” *gestures to the beautiful shitposts on this hellsite* sure jan dot gif.

I already want to fastforward.

Would 100% rather sit through a lecture on suspension bridges than watch silent movies, tbh.

Hate the title card. Hate this whole gimmick.

Hate.

HAAAAATE.

Roger got hanged. Roger was dumb, Buck was an abusive and toxic fuckwad. But still, Roger got hanged and this is how we find out he’s alive and how he was saved?

It should be this big emotional moment. It should make me feel a thing in spite of myself. But nope! Gotta do this fucking silent movie thing. Which is hilariously terrible. And I laughed at it the whole time. In a mean and judgey fashion. What a craptastic creative choice. Whoever’s idea that was is a fucking idiot. *stares at a certain pompous af showrunner*

Ok but for real though, does LJG just like live in North Carolina now? Why is he always around, besides, you know, so we don’t forget he’s a character who exists.

For real though, he lives in Virginia and gets more screen time than fucking Fergus and Marsali who live fucking next door.

At least writing this recap is gonnna be quick and easy since they waste so much time re-showing the stupid silent movie footage.

Yes, I know, they’re trying to show Roger’s PTSD. Which involves flashbacks. And gradually turn it to color once he’s like come to terms with what happened and starts to move forward. But the execution is so bad that the whole arc is wasted because it’s just so poorly done.

Oh hey! A Claire and Bree scene! I love those. Except oh wait, it aggressively fails the Bechdel Test.

I JUST WANT THE FUCKING WOMEN ON THIS SHOW TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO THAT’S COMPLETELY FUCKING SEPARATE FROM THE MEN. ARGH.

Jocasta singing at Murtz’s cairn is a reminder that everyone should check out MDK’s music.

And her wearing the necklace Murtz gave her makes the existence of show!Duncan even dumber. Like oh hey, new husband, don’t mind me, just mourning my dead boyfriend and wearing his jewelry. But it’s totally normal since my niece-in-law still wears her abusive ex-husband’s ring.

Sorry, show!Duncan, but a more pointless character was never included. Show!Duncan wins the prize for most BeCaUsE tHe BoOk dumbassery.

Repeatedly showing what’s basically a snuff film is...a choice.

LJG has no sense of personal space when it comes to the Frasers. And it’s fucking creepy.

Oh look, another scene where all Claire gets to do is comfort someone about a man.

*BANGS FIST ON TABLE* GIVE CLAIRE BEAUCHAMP THE STORY LINES SHE DESERVES.

Jemmy aged like 3 years in the 3 month time jump.

Ok, I totally get why Roger hadn’t spoken yet. But once he did, the seal was broken. Not talking after he yelled to stop Jemmy, even a little bit, is just a dick move. Not that he’d be magically better. But he like refuses to even take baby steps.

CAN WE PLEASE GET THROUGH AN EPISODE WITHOUT A MUSICAL INTERLUDE. I FUCKING HATE THE CLEMENTINE SONG.

GRANNIE CLAIRE AND GRANDA JAMIE ARE MY FAVE.

OMFG AN ARROW. THAT CLEARLY MEANS...YOUNG IANNNNN!!!!!

So glad he’s back. So fucking glad. Yes, it means one more character to dilute how much time we can spend with any given person, but it’s a character that I like so hopefully he takes away from some of the time given to ones I don’t like?

Aaand Roger can’t even bring himself to try to talk to the guy who gave himself up in his place. Fuck Roger.

Claire does a better job at first than Jamie at picking up the vibes Young Ian is putting off, but like, for two people who are supposed to be emotionally intelligence, neither of them do a good job at first of really *seeing* Ian.

John Bell is really good in this episode.

Omfg Marsali has tarot cards. She’s like leaning full on into being the white witch’s apprentice and I fucking love her so much.

Also, the Hanged Man card is representative of self-sacrifice and martyrdom rather than like being actually hanged as a punishment. But whatevs.

Ok I think the reason Jenny yelling at Jamie to snap out of it in S3 bugged me where this scene with Bree yelling at Roger doesn’t is because sibling dynamic is completely different than spouses where both of them have gone through something unimaginable.

That he can’t even say anything here. Or give her any kind of sign that he’s still in there is a dick move. He *can* speak. He knows that now. So does everyone else. He’s actively choosing not to. Even to say that he just needs more time to work through his shit. No one’s asking him to be a chatterbox and totally back to normal.

Young Ian just sitting there while everyone else does grace is literally me at every family holiday.

Oh look, a wild Fergus appeared!

Ok, I never got the surveying thing. Wouldn’t the land already be registered? Since they were given the paperwork and shit for it from the governor? I know there was some bit about it in the book about keeping it after the Revolution but like, who the fuck else are they registering it with that would make a difference? The gov’t is still the English gov’t?

“But there are things you keep hidden from others. You and Claire both.” Ok, can he please be talking about time travel? I mean, I know he’s talking about his wife and their miscarriages, but I just want someone else to know about time travel already please and thank you.

HOW THE FUCK IS MARSALI STILL PREGNANT?! SHE’S BEEN PREGNANT FOR LIKE A FUCKTON OF TIME.

Fuck yeah not-Catholic-anymore-Ian. No grace, talking about the creator in a way that isn’t explicitly the christian god. Good job, kid.

My parents called me to say happy easter and I had to be like, uh, you remember that I don’t celebrate that, right?

Happy Zombie!Jeebus Appreciation Day to all the still christian people. And happy chance to have fun with burner zoom accounts named Elijiah to the jewish folks.

Jokes aside, the scene with Young Ian and Marsali was really nice and Marsali remains a fucking saint. It’s nice that Young Ian has someone who like actually gets what it’s like to find a home in a group of strangers.

Oh Claire, think more highly of your assistant. Also, what a clunky fucking way to be like oh hey, one of the emo!bros is gonna try to off themselves.

Ok but with the paper airplane now too, can we please show Young Ian finding out about time travel? Please?

Ok, but Claire automatically jumping to Roger wanting to off himself with her herbs... It’s making me judge both of them a little that neither picked up on just how clearly Young Ian was suffering. Like come the fuck on, y’all. It wasn’t subtle.

Also, can we please have more Adso?

SOMEONE GIVE YOUNG IAN A HUG! NO, NOT YOU, ROGER! SOMEONE GOOD!

Yada yada yes they both have been through something shitty and call me a biased asshole, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything about Roger and I feel all the things about Young Ian.

So Roger won’t talk when his wife begs, but he’ll talk when someone calls him on his bullshit. Cool. Cool cool cool. Nice dude.

NO ONE WAS ASKING FOR THE OLD ROGER, YOU TWATWAFFLE. THEY WERE ASKING FOR *A* ROGER. INSTEAD OF A ZOMBIE.

Again, there’s more to that tarot card than a literal hanged man, but whatever, show.

Oh thank fuck the episode is finally over. Expectations are back down in the gutter for the rest of the season. Please pleasantly surprise me, show, but I will not make the mistake again of thinking you’re actually gonna be consistently good again.

[lovewillthaw-j]

Forest of Shadows review

I finally read FoS, because my recent post on the “Secret Room” led me to search FoS and I also had some time on hand. I’m writing this post to share my views and invite conversations. Spoilers ahead! Also; I have not read any other full reviews of FoS. This is also the first Frozen-related official fiction I have read other than the Dark Horse comic True Treasure. Long post ahead.

Background: Ever since joining the fandom, I have seen mentions of FoS by other bloggers and get the general feeling that it’s a great book; thus I had high expectations of FoS. I had obtained the book in early February, read the first chapter and found it interesting. Didn’t have time to finish the book till now. Unfortunately, to be honest and true to myself, I did not like it.

The Good: I give credit to the author for 1) Exciting writing, it is truly quite a page turner, I couldn’t put it down and finished it in a day, reading into the night way past my usual bedtime. 2) A complex plot that did not feel drawn out for the sake of filling pages 3) Focusing on the sisters throughout and the climax being about their love for each other 4) The new characters do not take too much focus away from the sisters 5) Countless F2 references such as the scarf, Iduna singing the lullaby and cuddling both children, mention of a Dark Sea on the map, mention of Runeard and the Northuldra. 

The Bad: I will touch on 6 areas (with some unavoidable overlap): 1) The premise 2) Anna’s characterisation 3) The Nattmara 4) Aren and Revolute sword 5) Myth vs Reality 6) Plot holes. Spoilers ahead!

1) In this story, Elsa is 24 and Anna is 21 - 3 years post Frozen 1 and in the same year as F2. The premise of the story is that Elsa is fearful of being a bad queen, and Anna is insecure about how Elsa feels about her. Elsa is also about to leave, without Anna, on a world tour on a ship. Elsa has planned for Anna to be the “keeper of the kingdom” while she is away but for some reason, has not told Anna, even up till 3 days before the voyage. The Blight starts and Elsa feels powerless, amplifying her fear, which brings on the wolf form of the Nattmara. Anna, who is insecure for almost the whole story, gets freed from her insecurity when it is revealed to her that Elsa intended for Anna to be the “keeper of the kingdom” all along. And then, Anna figures out the Nattmara is Elsa’s nightmare (and not Anna’s) and in the climax, uses “true love” to free Elsa and the whole kingdom. I feel that the entire premise of this story is thin and very OOC for the sisters, at least in my headcanon. 

It is illogical to me that after 3 years of rule, Elsa feels fearful of being a bad queen. Surely she would have feared she would be a bad queen for the entire time since Agnarr died 6 years ago? Why now? Why would she feel this way 3 years after the great thaw and when she has Anna by her side? It is illogical to me that Elsa wouldn’t bring Anna on the world tour, and illogical that she would make Anna the keeper of the kingdom but not tell her about it or even give her some preparation and instructions, up till 3 days before the voyage. In the library, the sisters spent a whole afternoon together reading books and they couldn’t find the time to talk to each other? 

Regarding the climax, I acknowledge that the author found a clever word play with “Revolute” being an anagram of “True Love”. But, using an act of “True love” to save the day felt stale and rehashed from F1, as if Anna’s act of true love in F1 was insignificant. I was sorely disappointed when I reached the climax.

2) I was very irritated with how Anna was characterised in this story as it clashes with my headcanon of how 21 year old post F1 pre F2 Anna should be. The author decided that “Anna is really, really, REALLY insecure” and bombarded us with reminders every few sentences about it. For example, when the sisters talked to SoYun, Elsa told SoYun “you did the right thing coming to me” and Anna felt insecure that Elsa had not said “us”. When Anna suggested to send Kristoff to look for the trolls, Elsa hesitated and Anna felt insecure that Elsa did not seem to like Anna’s idea. When Anna discovers the secret room, she is reminded of how she was always “the last to know” as a child. When Elsa talked to Gerda, Anna “would have been even happier if Elsa had told Gerda that Anna had found something important”. Anna also has a nightmare that there is another “Anna” that Elsa and Kristoff interact with, while she, the real Anna watches from outside. Why is Anna so insecure 3 years post F1 when she knows that Elsa’s love for her is so great that Elsa would willingly lock herself away from her? The book also tells us that Anna felt that she needed to “prove her worth” to Elsa, and this led to Anna becoming fixated on fixing the Blight, to earn Elsa’s approval and to bring her on the boat trip. To me, Anna giving up her life for Elsa in F1 has “proved her worth” for all time!! The author also took pains to bombard us with reminders of how ditzy and clumsy and awkward Anna is eg always waking up late, walking into the great hall in her nightgown, interrupting Elsa and embarrassing Elsa in front of the people, running off with Revolute sword with no plan. This is not what I headcanon 21 year old post-F1 Anna to be. She might be awkward, yes, but not to this level.

Anna also did a couple of immature things. 2 big examples: Elsa held a meeting in her bedroom and Anna wasn’t invited, but Anna could hear that the meeting was going on (outside the door) and was upset and fled to her room. I would have expected Anna to knock on the door and go in and be helpful, after all, she is the royal princess and Elsa’s confidante. Anna’s belief in the spell that grants dreams is also rather immature, as a 21 year old adult I would have expected her to know better. 

I also expected Anna to sleep in Elsa’s bed every night to be there for her, especially when Elsa has been troubled by events (think about F2). Since when does Anna put anything, including her own insecurity over her love for Elsa? but no, upon finding Elsa’s bedroom empty, she goes back to sleep in her own room, and Elsa also didn’t come over to look for Anna. Why couldn’t the sisters just TALK to each other?? At the end of F1 they couldn’t stop touching each other, holding hands, hugging each other, making up for lost time.In summary:

I just cannot see my darling Anna as this person, sorry! 

Yes she could have been like this before F1, but not after her epic F1 journey to save Elsa and not after 3 years with Elsa by her side. 

3) The Nattmara. I have trouble with the Nattmara’s existence. As mentioned above, Elsa should have been fearful of being a bad queen 6 years ago - Nattmara should have appeared way earlier, why now? 

The powers of the Nattmara were also ill defined. First, it was a sickness on animals and crops. Then it became a literal, physical wolf with capabilities to inflict real physical harm. Then, it also gained the ability to scare humans (not as a wolf, but as some unseen, spiritual force) but additionally, turn humans into zombies (Kai and Gerda, while half-awake, were able to hold weapons against Anna) Next, the Nattmara gained the ability to turn into black sand, reform into a wolf, and turn back into black sand effortlessly. IIRC, the Nattmara only demonstrated the ability to turn into black sand after they read about it in Sorenson’s book, and then it started to use this power extensively. But even more confusing, when they were leaving the Huldrefolk and rushing back to Arendelle, they met up with Sorenson who was “possessed” by the Nattmara but didn’t have the yellow eyes and was able to speak normally and deceive the main characters about a magical water source. And after that, “possessed-Sorenson” (an old man) gained the physical ability to take on Kristoff in a fight. 

I feel that the author twisted the powers and capabilities of the Nattmara to keep the reader on the edge. (doesn’t everybody like zombies) I’m not sure if the Nattmara is just darkness or does it have a mind of its own? And every normal person has nightmares and fears, why hasn’t Nattmara appeared before? In chapter 9, it is stated that “Anna had dreamed of the wolf her entire childhood” - what is the explanation for that from a Nattmara perspective?

4) Aren and the Revolute sword are confusing as the author first introduces it as a myth (a sword that can create an actual, geographical fjord miles wide, is a myth) and the sisters acknowledge that it is only a tale. Sorenson debunks Aren and Revolute. Inexplicably, after Sorenson debunks it, Anna immediately says “So we need Revolute!”, showing that she now believes that there is a real Aren and a real sword, and this leads them to look for the Huldrefolk because “the Huldrefolk always find that which is lost”. To put it another way, a group of adults decided to enter dangerous, abandoned mines, based on the thinnest of suggestions that a mythical sword exists and a magical people that may not exist, somehow have it. Their quest to find the sword then leads them back to the tumulus, which they now believe is Aren’s. After some difficulty, they actually find a physical sword named Revolute, but my question is, do the sisters believe this is a real, normal sword owned by a normal human warrior called Aren or do they now believe they have found the mythical, fjord carving sword? They then try to use a physical sword against a mythical creature - doesn’t that contradict the “myth to destroy a myth” bit? 

Nattmara destroys the sword, and eventually the “myth to destroy a myth” is revealed to be True Love, which happens to be the anagram of “Revolute”. Clever, but too convenient! What does the sword have to do with true love? Couldn’t Anna have figured out that the answer was true love by another way? 

Historically speaking, warriors would be buried with their swords next to them or laid on their bodies with their arms crossed over the sword, so why is the sword found in the ship’s dragon mouth? And, the book said that the tumulus may be thousands of years old, how can a sword that old not have rusted and disintegrated by now?

Additionally, the Earth giant’s passage starts from the castle and passes the tumulus of Aren; Iduna knew the existence of the passage because she wrote about it in her book, so why wouldn’t any other king, Agnarr included, have examined/exhumed the tumulus and made it a museum, or store the artifacts in a museum, and research to see whose tomb it was? These are the 1800s after all, archaelogy had already begun post-renaissance.

5) As an extension of point 4, the treatment of myth/magic and reality is confusing. The story starts off on the premise that aside from Elsa’s magic and the rock trolls, we are in the real world dealing with real botanical and animal farming issues. Sorenson is introduced by Oaken as a “mystic” but in person, Sorenson is actually a scientist (reminds you of Varian from RTA/ TTS). Sorenson makes an excellent speech debunking the Nattmara, Huldrefolk and Aren and Revolute. When I got to this point in the book, I thought, that’s an absolutely correct 21st century mythbuster/human psychology explanation of nightmares and magical creatures and other unexplained phenomena. The book that he is holding is even called “Psychologia”. I was expecting that there would be a real world, logical explanation for the wolf and the Blight and Kai and Gerda going mad (Zootopia and the “night howlers” serum causing savageness comes to mind) However, the author then throws this away and the Nattmara is shown to be a real magic force, the Huldrefolk are shown to be real, Aren and his sword are actually real. Sorenson is the one who said “you can only defeat a myth with a thing of myth” but in the same breath says that all of these don’t truly exist; Yet, the rest of the story rests on defeating Nattmara with a thing of myth. 

 If the author had intended to portray this as a magical world and Sorenson as the “skeptic”, she didn’t write it clearly enough; or she shouldn’t have inserted so many sentences on debunking to maintain the suspension of disbelief. 

6) Plot holes: Why is Elsa the only one who can deal with mundane problems like cracks in chimneys and animal illnesses? Hasn’t she heard of delegation?

Why isn’t Elsa interested in the contents of the secret room, as an educated adult and ruler? She took one look at the portrait of Aren, thought about “great leaders”, felt consumed by fear that she isn’t one, and decided that she will shut the secret room and inexplicably says “mother and father intended for it to be hidden, so it should stay hidden”. A great leader would read extensively and do research and build on what your forebears have done; here is a treasure trove of work done by her parents, the previous rulers.

If Elsa could make the massive snow bear, Bjorn, then why didn’t she make an army of snow bears to fight possessed-Sorenson? Instead she left Kristoff to face him alone?

When Elsa was consumed by the black sand and Anna ran towards her, it is clearly written that Elsa attacked Anna with the black sand, but in the next chapter Anna is still Anna and not zombified.  

==

Wow, I have really written a lot. I guess I was really invested in the story, but my disappointment at the ending and the overall premise is too great. I really wanted to like this story. I don’t mean to start any wars, I hope I haven’t offended anybody and I’m willing to consider other perspectives. Please talk to me in the comments! Thanks for reading if you reached here!

[joeinfurnari]

My Dinner with Andre

My Dinner with Andre might be one of the most difficult movies for many viewers to watch. The artsy crowd would call it minimalist while the more lowbrow among us would say it’s boring! There’s just so little to it that there is a valid case for both. The story is simply a struggling young playwright, Wally agrees to meet an acquaintance, Andre, for dinner at a nice restaurant in decaying New York city and conversation ensues. The end. But like so many things in life, My Dinner with Andre gives you so much more if you really listen closely. I recently watched it again and I forgot just how great it is and how it continues to speak to us today.

It’s so stark and unapologetic about being without plot that it’s become the subject of many pop culture parodies. I know there is a Simpson’s reference to it but I most enjoyed the episode of Community that spoofs it. You may think that this comes from a place of common dislike for the movie but it’s actually the opposite. The parodies just prove how influential and beloved it is. Why? For me, the appeal is the conversation itself. It’s been celebrated for being a complete fiction that does a great job at coming across as a documentary but that’s just appreciation on a formal level. It’s not just that they had a conversation that’s important, it’s what they talk about that matters. The content of that discussion is so important, the writers and filmmaker felt it merited being the subject of a film without any distraction. To say that Louis Malle created My Dinner with Andre for the iconoclasm alone, misses the point.

The two men seated at dinner are artists/playwrights and catch up on the long period since they last encountered each other. They’re not really friends and Wally even debates cancelling the dinner before ultimately opting to go. He’s a working writer and artist making ends meet in New York City while Andre has had a long hiatus from creative life spent on travel and self examination. Wally confirms their community speculation that Andre has money that allows his adventures. Andre at first spends dominates the conversation with anecdotes about mutual acquaintances and talks about some of the retreats and workshops he’s attended recently. Andre has dropped out of the arts and has been on a personal quest to find himself after becoming disillusioned with his life.

In the time since they last spoke Andre describes a crisis in his creative life. He left the theater and traveled to Poland where he spent time with strangers in the woods creating experimental theater. He didn’t speak or understand Polish and they didn’t understand English but the time spent together was transformative. What began for him as creative exploration in the woods forced him to act as himself and in so doing he was forced to examine his life and how he acts when he plays himself:

So, you follow the same law of improvisation…which is that you do whatever your impulse, as the character, tells you to do…but in this case, you are the character. So there's no imaginary situation to hide behind…and there's no other person to hide behind. What you're doing, in fact, is you're asking those same questions…that Stanislavsky said the actor should constantly ask himself as a character:

Who am I? Why am I here? Where do I come from, and where am I going?

But instead of applying them to a role, you apply them to yourself.

Andre tells more stories of his spiritual and creative adventures. For him, his journey to this dinner has been full of magic, mystery, serendipity and travel to exotic locations including India and even a Saharan Oasis. The restaurant is quite nice but it is still remarkably banal compared to Andre’s monstrous hallucinations and descriptions of his process of personal exploration. It culminates in a description of being buried alive in Montauk, NY. From that point on, Andre becomes surprised by his own reactions to things in his life. He even begins to look at himself and the sort of person who would spend his time the way he has. People in his life who he called friends, repulse him. Figures on television appear to be objectively horrible people. He says,

And I suddenly had this feeling I was just as creepy as they were…and that my whole life had been a sham…

…

I mean, I really feel that I'm just washed up, wiped out. I feel I've just squandered my life.

Moments later he goes on to say,

Well, you know, I may be in a very emotional state right now, Wally.…but since I've come back home I've just been finding the world we're living in…more and more upsetting.

It’s as though Andre has a new perception of the world that is in stark contrast to his former self. He’s alone in this perspective until he sees a woman working in the theater who recognizes the trouble on his face. Where everyone else he encountered commented on how great he looked, this woman somehow knew by looking at him, the emotional state he was in. Because of this woman’s recent loss of her mother, she was able to see him clearly. Andre says,

She didn't know anything about what I'd been going through. But the other people, what they saw was this tan, or this shirt…or the fact that the shirt goes well with the tan.

So they said, " Gee, you look wonderful." Now, they're living in an insane dreamworld.

They're not looking.

That seems very strange to me. Right, because they just didn'ts ee anything, somehow.…except, uh, the few little things that they wanted to see.

All of this has resonated with me very personally. I similarly feel as though my perspective on the world has shifted and it has made me incompatible with things as they are and people who aren’t looking. It’s as though my prior life was a dream, honestly. When I think of how I thought about the world and other people for most of my life, I also hate that prior self. I agree with Andre that that earlier version of myself inhabited an insane dreamworld. Andre describes it using the example of his dying mother. Although she was terminally ill and appeared only minutes away from death, the specialist was beaming at all the progress she was making. For this doctor, he had so narrowed his goals/perception to her arm that any healing on that front was cause for celebration. Insane.

I mean, we're just walking around in some kind of fog. I think we're all in a trance. We're walking around like zombies. I don't…I don't think we're even aware of ourselves or our own reaction to things.

We…We're just going around all day like unconscious machines…and meanwhile there's all of this rage and worry and uneasiness…just building up and building up inside us.

And later, Andre continues to describe this state of mind:

Isn't it amazing how often a doctor…will live up to our expectation of how a doctor should look? When you see a terrorist on television, he looks just like a terrorist. I mean, we live in a world in which fathers…or single people, or artists…are all trying to live up to someone's fantasy…of how a father, or a single person,or an artist should look and behave.

They all act as if they know exactly how they ought to conduct themselves…at every single moment…and they all seem totally self-confident.

For two men involved in theater, they are approaching the idea that who we fashion ourselves to be, is selected from clearly defined character behaviors and appearance. For an actor, it must be disturbing for there to be no leap between the actor and the character. Why is it that someone who adopts the role of artist in real life, chooses to look like what we expect? As average people in our world, we’re acting our roles as they have been defined for us by someone else. This should be alarming to everyone and not just Andre and Wally.

I mean, we just put no value at all on perceiving reality. I mean, on the contrary, this incredible emphasis that we all place now.…on our so-called careers…automatically makes perceiving reality a very low priority…because if your life is organized around trying to be successful in a career…well, it just doesn't matter what you perceive or what you experience. You can really sort of shut your mind off for years ahead, in a way. You can sort of turn on the automatic pilot.

How many of us are doing this right now? I did it for many years, always overlooking the here and now for some future reward that all of it was building towards. I also think if your focus is on a career, it’s less on the experience and wisdom needed to fully embody that role. This is why this is such a great film. It may not wow you with realistic explosions but it challenges you to question your view on your life and your world. You shouldn’t be content with the way things are. If you are, you are part of a very fortunate few and you may be overlooking much of the world to do so.

people's concentration is on their goals.…in their life they just live each moment by habit.

…

And if you're just operating by habit…then you're not really living. I mean, you know, in Sanskrit, the root of the verb " to be".…is the same as " to grow" or " to make grow. "

This is something I think about a lot. I live as a cartoonist dedicated to writing and drawing and designing and promoting and tweeting and posting and editing etc. in a driving need to produce, produce, produce. Am I really living? I don’t think so. It’s okay to admit it. This wasn’t a world of my creation but if I’m alive and active in it, I can change it. This film gave me a way to understand the things that I’ve gone through over the last few years. Without art, I wouldn’t have evidence that others have been where I stand. I feel less alone and more hopeful.

Wally talks about the need for escapism and comfort from art against the harsh reality of every day life. The choice is to create art that is comforting but for all its warmth, fails to acknowledge reality and might contribute to a collective disengaging with reality and most importantly, each other.

…we're starving because we're so cut off from contact with reality…that we're not getting any real sustenance,'cause we don't see the world. We don't see ourselves. We don't see how our actions affect other people.

This is heady stuff, for sure. All of this is to get us thinking about the nature of our lives and really see the things we’ve chosen for ourselves. To truly be free is to be able to think outside the characters and roles defined for us…even the ones we think we chose but didn’t create. Only by looking at ourselves honestly and as objectively as possible can we see how far from our own humanity we have come. Andre went through a personal crisis in which he went through a dramatization of his own death and rebirth. The fresh eyes this has given him as illuminated a very dark reality. There are no fancy distractions in this film because it is a battle cry for humanity’s future. Under the guise of a polite conversation about things most average people would discount as having no bearing on reality is actually about a fundamental reality that has changed without our conscious consent. His advise:

Get out of here.

…

the 1960s.…represented the last burst of the human being before he was extinguished…and that this is the beginning of the rest of the future, now…and that from now on there'll simply be all these robots walking around…feeling nothing, thinking nothing. And there'll be nobody left almost to remind them.…that there once was a species called a human being…with feelings and thoughts…and that history and memory are right now being erased…and soon nobody will really remember.…that life existed on the planet.

[practiceuniversepoet]

I had an idea of a setting, but I have no where to go with the story.  So putting it here to share.

X

It’s been nearly 150 years now since the plague hit Necroa.

It was just a small farming village then, and located well away from the better trading routes. Back then the people here called it Everdale. They were a friendly and hardy bunch those villagers. There were not often times of plenty, but they had enough.  When time called for the harvest every capable hand joined to help, and ever helping hand and their family was fed.  Each hand took a turn at every labor for which they were able and no one was denied any need. It could be hard, but with every person working together, they made it.

Then came the sickness.  In a single winter nearly half the population succumbed to an un-treatable illness.  There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to who fell ill. Half a household might fall ill while the rest remained healthy and safe under the same roof.  And for those who fell ill there was no way to know who might live and who might die.  A treatment that seemed to cure one might do nothing for another despite the illness always appearing the same.  Or so at least say the writings that Brother Harold left behind before he succumbed to the disease himself…

They sent for help to the neighboring villages, but no one ever responded.  They struggled through that horrible winter and when they came out the other side the sickness was gone just as fast as it had come on.   But the terrible toll it had taken meant that Everdale the village could not survive.  There were not enough left able to plow and plant the fields, nor to tend the sheep, nor even to tend and teach the children.  They were making plans and beginning to pack their belongings to settle elsewhere when the miracle man arrived.

His name was Xon and he felt pity for the people of Everdale who struggled to bury their dead before they had to leave them.  He told them that there was another way, a way that meant that they would not have to leave.  A way that meant they need never worry about the number of able hands being stolen by  death again.  And then before them Xon raised their beloved dead from the graves, giving them new names, and set those shambling hands to fill the work that would have gone undone.

It was not an easy time even then.  For before the people of everdale they saw those they loved, but Xon explained that they were no longer.  Death still held their loved ones.  He brought only the body back to life.  Their mumbling groaning speech was only that of an empty brain parroting back what little had not crumbled in death. But he implored them to feel no sorrow as their loved ones were surely in some paradise beyond and would be happier for them to use what they had left behind to continue living themselves.

It was truly a perfect solution.  You see the dead did not need to feed or sleep.   They could do all the work the people needed while taking from them no resource.  In time this change became normal, and when next death visited Everdale it was only natural the Xon raise this new dead to add to Shambling Hands.  And since then this has been the way of things.

To put the tragedy behind them and honor their new savior the people begged Xon to rename their village.  He called the village Necroa, a reference to his own profession.  He became a venerated leader and brought the village into an age of prosperity.  In the last century or so Necroa has become much larger and turned into a major stopping point on all of the local trading routes.  It would be much more appropriate to call it a city rather than a village any longer.

Every child here grows up learning about Xon, The Grand Necromancer. We know that on our death our soul will go to paradise and our mortal body will join The Shambling Hands, serving the city and helping the family that we are forced to leave behind to live in comfort.  It’s a knowledge that brings peace to our people.

However there are always some exceptions.  Like myself… I’ve never quite been comfortable with this whole business of The Hands. Sometimes I swear when I walk by it sounds like they’re actually talking to me.  But they aren’t supposed to be smart enough for anything like that and so people have taken to thinking I’m a bit around the bend.  Mom wasn’t happy to hear that and signed me up for the first program she could find to keep me in close proximity to the Hands so that I can get over myself.

Spoiler Alert, didn’t help, now I’m all but certain they’re talking to me.  And if they are what they’re saying well… It’s bad.  It’s really bad. So overall the job’s pretty uncomfortable but what I did learn was to keep my damned mouth shut.

And then Xon died. (Apparently.  I’m really really not so sure about that, BUT…) Now I’ve been voted Town Zombie Wrangler and the magic of Xon’s Tower door didn’t kill me when I opened it so I guess I’m stuck with it.  Now the last thing to fear I suppose is finding out if I’m right.  I really hope I’m not right.

For @somethingfyshie because reasons

Residents of Necroa

The Lady Jett – An influential artist, the Lady Jett is known to be the only woman to have been allowed Entry to The Gran Necromancer’s Tower to paint his portrait. She was also commissioned by Xon to create several other works over the last 10 years due to her steady hand.  When asked she replies only that she has been sworn to secrecy over whatever she created inside the Tower.

The Rotocron (Roto)- Roto is known for creating the statue of Xon that resides in the town square today. The most impressive part of this accomplishment is that Roto has never seen Xon in their life and yet it is still acclaimed as the best sculpture of Xon known to Necroa.

Lord Kyle – This swordsman is captain of the City Guard and it is reputed that he knows and sees all that happens.  Which would explain his preternatural ability to appear wherever there’s any kind of trouble at hand.

Miss Kit – Clerk at the Necroa Emporium.  Miss Kit is known for friendly service and usually not messing up the Emporiums catchphrase during transactions.  “Always shop Necroa Emporium.  We bring you big savings because we sell Everything!”* *Disclaimer: Necroa Emporium does sell everything but that frequently doesn’t bring any kind of savings as they drove the competition out of business.

Mike the Mystery – Not much is known about Mike, but he’s there and he’s the loudest to boast of the skill of The Rotocron.

Skerin von Sker – Sker runs the city night-watch.  No one is terribly certain what they’re watching for, but it keeps them out all night.

Player Character(s?)

The Protagonist (Male) – young with a talent for necromancy...

Shambling Hands

Most of these undead work in places out of view of the Living who are not of Necroa, barring a few here and there.  The Hands are not typically violent apparently preferring to go about the jobs for which they were raised.

Sister Winifred – Missing one eye and several of her teeth, Sister Winifred is in charge of caring for the children of Necroa when their mother’s have better things to do.  Like gossip with the other mothers of Necroa.  Despite her missing eye, teeth, and pronounced limp, Sister Winifred is one of the most well preserved Hands from the original rising.  Her bright red hair serves as the last reminder of her past as a young woman and the flower for which she was once named.

Sister Martha – This steely eyed old woman is the only silent member of the Shambling hands. One of the 10 remaining from the first rising. She appears to be missing her tongue and her hands have been crippled.  Sister Martha is usually found in the Monument Garden where markers are placed to honor the souls of the deceased.  Given that she is not able to work some wonder why she has not been retired from service.  There is a mysterious silver chain around her neck that burns to the touch.

Brother Annuas – One of the newest hands Annuas tends to the grounds around the local church in death just as he once did in life.  Some claim he still seems to be afraid of Sister Martha.

Brother Reed – Those who knew the man he was before death claim that Brother Reed never changed.  He just got up one day and went to accounting as a dead man instead of a living one.

Small Tyman – This hand is only a child, it is believed that he come from the first rising.  He is blinded in both eyes.  Tyman is usually found around the schoolyard, he plays with the living children and some claim he has told them stories of a dark one but no adult has heard him speaking.

Brothers of the Field – Their individual names have been lost to time, but it’s assumed these men were all related.  They tend the farms and guard crops from crows and other pests with unceasing vigilance.  Some people avoid them because they will try to speak to you with their mumbling broken voices.

Keepers of the Flock – These members of the shambling hands keep the sheep.  Necroa is known for the above average quality of it’s wool and so these hands are the most closely monitored by the Living in Necroa.  These also seem to be the quietest and most “nervous” of the Shambling Hands.

[cactigratitudelove]

Cacti, Gratitude, and Always Love.

As I write this I find myself filled with so many emotions that I can hardly figure out what I want to get out or what I want to say. Do I even want to say anything any more? Do I even feel anything matters anymore? When I created this page specifically to start a blog about my last year in Tucson, I created it with the intent of fulfilling out my AZ/Tucson Bucket list while also spreading the love I have for Tucson and its community. It was before my last few markets of the season, after I decided to get a newsletter going for my website and then before I left last week for my AZ camping trip to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, then solo dispersed camping in Flagstaff and Sedona. I figured I’d have this great time to finally get some nature, breathe, step back and figure out my next steps in Tucson before I leave to NYC next spring. 

My nine year old nephew passed away suddenly wednesday night. 

What was life like before this nightmare I find myself currently in?

Before all this, I was going through eight months of sobriety from Alcohol, trying to find spiritual guidance, dealing with financial issues, trying to adult as much as I could while also trying to find balance with family and friends. I realized I was being a hermit as well. I am not known for being a hermit. The Adela I know is social and doesn't let fear stop her. Fear of being financially stuck, fear of taking on work and then not get paid like I have experienced twice this year aleady, both by local companies in the community I really enjoyed and believed in. I noticed I was also supplementing food in place of binge drinking. I binge(d) on food, Netflix and somehow still kept doing the work towards goals knowing things would get better if only I was more focused on work and less on myself. Or maybe less on work and more on myself. I’ve done sobriety before, why is it so much harder this time around? I stopped going out. I decided to continue not dating since being back in Tucson from my Alaska summer. (This was more so that I can find balance within myself again). I found myself hustling like I do. Trying to create and get paid for it. Taking on as much as I could to pay the bills while also picking up shifts at the bar. It might seem like I have my shit together from the outside but on the inside I have no idea wtf I am doing. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from other people that are doing what I want to do but I keep finding myself lost, stuck and then fear takes over. Tucson has been wonderful to me so I of course feel the guilt that if I leave, I leave my home, support system and friends. I’ll leave a place I am passionate about and yet if I don't leave I’ll never be able to financially support myself in the arts the way I want to. I keep thinking, “Someday, if I can just get enough regular clients, creative work and income to pay the bills, keep a roof over my head with clothes and to travel on a frugal budget to support my inspiration for the work I do then I will have made it.” This is what success would mean for me. No fancy cars, no condo or property, not even a love of my life by my side. I just want to be able to support myself and my dreams in the most minimal way without financial stress.  

These were all my concerns, fears, and selfish thoughts before I found myself here. 

On Monday May 21st, I and my family buried my nine year old nephew. The Wednesday before he had been playing, enjoying life until he no longer was and left this world in a way I can't help but hurt for him. I can't imagine what those last moments were like but I would hope that he knew that he was loved. Braxton was loved so much. Hearing the news while I was in Page, AZ I still couldn't grasp what had happened. I kept thinking that I would wake up. That I was still in my shitty sleep and life would be okay again. Life is not okay and it won't be. Not now anyway. On my trip back from Page, Thursday after I heard the news from his Tia who was at the hospital the night before, I kept thinking of ways I can do my part to help my family, the guilt I had for not seeing him as often as I wanted to, or even just sometimes brushed off and thought I’d just see him another time when I am not as busy. The last time I saw him was on his birthday in February. Its been killing me that it wasn't sooner. A seven-ish hour trip back home. A seven-ish hour trip of mindfuck, “If only I had a car to pick him up when I wanted. If I had stopped taking on too many things I could have seen him more. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more present with him. I never got to take him out on a one on one outing that I wanted with him.  I didn’t get to say goodbye or that I loved him since his birthday. I should have...” Everything else went out the window. I needed to be there for my sister, my mom and the rest of this family and his. I needed to be strong. To put in the work where I was needed. And thats what I did. My back from the trip ‘To Do’ list went from emailing clients to emailing a best friend to proof read a child’s obituary. I created the Prayer card, obituary, and helped type up a eulogy for my sister, his Auntie to read. I helped pick out his flowers and clothes for the funeral. These tasks are unlike any other. 

The heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, loss is truly unlike any feelings I have ever felt in the 31 years of being on this earth. You expect death to happen but you don't expect it to happen to a child. Your own nephew, grandson, brother or son. God didn’t give us time to accept this. Didn’t give us time to process this. He was taken from us. Just like that. 

Mi familia is a big family. I have seven siblings. Five of them have kids. Four of their kids have kids. And that’s just within the immediate family. If there is one thing that god was showing us, is that this family is strong. This family is everything to one another. This family comes through when the time comes. This is the first our hearts have been broken in such a way. My sister’s son was like a son to all five sisters. We all had our love and stories to share. We all set our differences aside and showed all the support and love. My sister lost her son, we may never know that exact pain but we do know that we love her to the moon and back. She is everything to this family. We all are everything to this family and I saw that clearly this week.

Braxton’s support system is not only through immediate family (His Dad and  dad’s family is also just as loving and supportive) but also through the community. There’s a GoFundMe page created for his funeral starting at $9,000 and it raised over $11,000 and still going. I reached out to the community on FB and even found that my own friends and friends of friends in Tucson, Florida, California, etc gave what they could in support of this family. My best friends, co-workers and even the lady at Fed-Ex whom printed the obituary, cards and photos were all super supportive in ways I didn't know I or my family needed. And for this I find myself with more gratitude in life than I have ever thought I did. I am so grateful and appreciate every single text, comment, call, and hug. My love for the Tucson community and online community will always be great.

Throughout the most difficult time I have ever experienced, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be sober and present (although I felt zombie-like). At the service I mentioned to one of my sister’s, “This, right here is the moment I want a bottle of vodka. I big fucking bottle of vodka. No other time, just right now.” I had seen my nephew and said good bye. He was so cool and stylish with his cute outfit we picked out for him with the Avengers t-shirt showing through his dress shirt. I wanted him to wake. I wanted him to just be sleeping. I wanted him to call me the face painting lady again. I also wanted to drown this away with a bottle. I wanted to join others and partake in numbing the pain. But I knew that black outs weren't the only reason I become sober nine months prior. I wanted to be a better person for myself and for others. My best self for my family and friends. For my munchkins. I wanted my nieces and nephews to see their independent, hustling, Tia sober and some day go on adventures with. To be an example for them. To know and share the struggle for them so they wouldn't have too. To be a good example, a mentor, a supportive friend. The only way I can be those things is if I abstain from alcohol. 

My landlord sent me a text the morning of the funeral with a photo of a blooming Queen of the Night Cacti. Just one that bloomed in the night. With the photo the text read, “The Casita had a visitor last night... your nephew came by to tell you he is ok. I also saw a palomita underneath the flower...” My favorite cacti flower. It blooms at night and only lasts through the morning. I miss you Braxton. I miss you so much and love you, always.

This blog will be as I intended it to be but it will also not be the same as I thought it to be. I am not the same I thought I’d be driving back home to Tucson this week. I do not have the same heart I once did. My family, my sister, my ex-brother in-law, and nieces, sisters of Braxton will never be the same. The world, to me, will never be the same again. I hurt and I know I will need to get back to work and life because I am sure it carries on just the same but today, right now nothing matters to me except my thoughts of missing him and wishing I had more time. 

[oelfinessend]

just can’t handle it, must get round to it

Hello, @tsukiharu​. Here’s your secret santa step in. I’m incredibly sorry for the delay, but I was stranded away from decent coverage and electricity, and had to climb the roof to check my mail :/. Moreover, by the time you replied I’ve already began writing and while I certainly have ideas for your prompts they will take a while to write properly if you’d still want them. My attempt at arranged marriage and courtship has run away as early as the second page, so all I can do is give you this bizarre AU and hope you won’t hate me :[

Find the fic on <a href=“http://archiveofourown.org/works/13460478“>ao3</a> or in this post.

‘Greater than many you will fly.’ They wrote. ’Higher than your wildest dreams you will be taken.’ Was promised. ‘And for all will be price.’

Except Tony won’t fly and pay the price because he is Howard’s price, carelessly promised for many trinkets.

He knows it since before he can remember, that his father agreed to give away his own child for a chance to find Captain America.

He also knows that whatever his being a ‘price’ might entail so far it involves him being miserable, added with impressive substance abuse and whole weeks he spends in his workshop. Tony has his workshop only because of Obie, who allows him to invent, to think, to create. Aside from his bots and JARVIS, he can converse only with Obie and Rhodey. The staff is afraid of him and the world seems to be focused entirely on his every move, analysing the rare precedent of a prayer being answered.

Tony meets Pep like that. She masks her gentle curiosity and the following pity very well and later they disappear whatsoever, and for that he will be forever grateful. This is the lifeline that allows him to keep going, to live while Howard Stark becomes a husk of himself with eyes still burning with unholy fire, with the spite of the damned. He is a recluse, immersed in his projects that promise to drain the Stark fortune. SI is all but given to Obadiah who likes to lure Tony into his dealings and Tony hires a maddeningly competent Virginia Potts to be left  with the only thing he really cares about - making stuff.

Soon enough, Pep is involved in SI far more than she is in Tony’s life, which is understandable, and somehow Tony finds himself looking at his new assistant. The guy is standing right in his workshop, looking friendly and soft around the edges. Then it turns out it’s impossible to chase this intruder away, his soft edges are bullshit and soon Tony finds himself snarking back at Adam.

He’s awesome, that guy who grasps Tony’s jargon and ideas and keeps up and gives as good as he gets and doesn’t take any bullshit thrown at him. Adam is putting Tony on edge, though, the puzzle pieces never quite fitting and something always missing in the picture.

Two or so months of amazing creative process later, Tony is doodling idly, having just showered and eaten, because Adam is a prude and won’t go anywhere near if Tony ‘is not presentable’.

This is the day everything goes to shit, because Howard decides to show his zombie face an hour before Obie storms in, demanding to see Tony.

Obie narrows his eyes at Adam, demanding to state his identity, while Adam looks bored and unimpressed, which is his default expression. In fact, he looks unnervingly interested in Howard, which kinda makes Tony hate them both (and, as usual, hate himself, because what else could he have expected, what did he think, he could be interest-)

“Address me in that manner once more and your tongue shall be buried ahead of you.”

This is a growl and everything falls silent. Adam smiles his thin smile and cocks his head.

“Who are you?” This is the first time Tony’s heard his father speak in years and his voice is scratchy, low. His eyes are still unnerving, portraying his unyielding focus. Adam keeps on with being unimpressed, though, only moves and paces around Howard, looking him up and down.

“Midgard’s grown disrespectful since I’ve last visited it.” He muses and changes, just like that, his hair growing longer from its stylish cut, skin pales and eyes grow green, so bright that Tony can actually discern the colour from across the room. Then not-Adam is moving back towards Tony, his movements smoother, somehow more powerful and just as the transformation the fact that Tony isn’t scared is baffling. He is actually relieved. This is some closure, finally, to (not) Adam’s unnerving edge and clearly, the bullshit ‘price’ thing is coming to its end.

“Are you Adam?” Tony asks carefully, his lizard brain alarmed at that prowl.

Head cocked, eyes laughing, the man smiles. “I am Loki.” Is all he replies.

Loki. Tony knows that name, he’s spent countless hours reading on any supernatural being known to the Internet and Loki is… interesting. Not really appropriate, in Tony’s opinion and surprising, given Howard’s prayer.

Apparently satisfied with whatever reaction on Tony’s face he sees Loki smiles again and sprawls into a chair, impressively pulling off his almost whore-like posture. “Now you may leave us alone.” He addresses both Obie and Howard and both dig their heels.

“I’m not leaving Tony with whoever you are.” Obie intones darkly and Howard steps forward, looking almost feverish.

“Who are you to appear in my home and demand this after making me wait for so many years!” He almost shouts and his voice breaks slightly out of disuse.

Loki sighs irritably. “Mages of Asgard cannot break a prayer-bound promise. Your demand was heard and it was satisfied - your mind was clear and fast for many years, was it not?” He waves dismissively as Howard opens his mouth. “Don’t let your hubris blind you, mortal. No one on Midgard is able to go weeks without any sleep and yet your thinking was unhindered. Such was the blessing given to you. Whatever you decided to do with it concerns me not and I am beginning to tire of your presence.” He smiles at the procured indignation and turns to Obie. “And you don’t have to worry, mayhaps if the Fates favour us we can all go to Afghanistan.”

At that Obie pales strangely and seems to deflate. Looking bored, Loki switches his gaze to Tony. “This is getting ridiculous. I will await in your workroom.”

Left alone and gaping at the empty chair, Tony scrambles away from Howard’s burning glare and Obie’s thoughtful one. As stated, Loki is in his workshop, occupying his usual place with his newfound dramatic flair.

Loki patiently sits through Tony’s almost-meltdown and only blinks at the following barrage of questions. It happens that Loki is a prince and a mage (ha! Tony will need far more than a couple of parlor tricks to even contain his laughter, never mind taking this seriously) and the Head Seidrmaster in Asgard. It doesn’t really matter except that it totally does, because apparently Howard’s half-assed (by Loki’s standards) prayer reached one of those seidr-people and for whatever reason they decided to go along.

“A prayer gives a remarkable bout of power, of happiness.” Loki explains patiently, giving off surprisingly Pepper-like vibes. “An inexperienced mage has to be exceptionally strong of will to resist that. Uldr was not.”

Tony snorts. He doesn’t really care (he does, a little, Loki is a living story and also a lot of people would literally give their limb for a chance to talk to him).

“When I found out about the deal it was too late.” Loki purses his lips unhappily, eyes becoming hard. “And the duty of overseeing this fell to me.” He makes a vague gesture with his left hand. “I admit I have forgotten about the Midgardian lifespan and allowed myself to linger a bit too long.”

Tony huffs, asks about the lifespan thing and blinks at the answer. Five thousand Asgard’s years, Loki says, more for a mage. Asgard’s year is nearly four of Earth’s.

Talk about unimaginable scales, Tony honestly can’t comprehend the life where decades are nothing, where your milestones are hundreds.

His mind blanks out a bit at that and when Tony finally scrambles his brains back in order he finds himself alone.

There is very little time for him to begin feeling abandoned or offended because soon he hears the commotion. By the time Tony decides to investigate he is again in Loki’s company and for a change the other man looks pleased.

The following days are, for a lack of a better word, busy. Everyone has a lot to do; Howard is trying to pin Loki down and get something from him, Loki vanishes and appears as he pleases, his mood changing just as suddenly. Obie is suspiciously docile while Pep is busy arranging the business so that it belongs to Tony. That is a sudden development and apparently both Howard and Obie are okay with Loki basically telling them what to do. Well, not really, Howard is all of a sudden a lot more present in the mansion and Tony’s life. Tony is busy planning building his own tower where he will live as far from this gloomy place as possible. He discovers that managing a company is fucking hard, especially if you just basically got it and the attention he thought he is accustomed to is even more intense and seemingly every person in the world wants something from you.

Loki doesn’t help. In fact, Loki revels in the chaos, which is unsurprising, given his title. He refuses to accept numerous invitations or even pleas coming for him. At the same time, he somehow helps Tony, because navigating people is hard and Loki knows how it’s done. It’s pleasant, even, that change of pace and scenery, the constant challenge and, most importantly, the freedom. For the first time Tony is able to get out, to do as he chooses and give a finger to anyone objecting. Not always and not really, but he moves out and never looks back.

***

“What you are describing is marriage.” Tony says flatly, looking down at Loki. Which is only because he’s standing six feet higher, overseeing the construction of his tower. Because now he can build himself a fucking tower.

“Yes, in your language and culture that is the closest concept.” Loki allows and returns the look. He manages to stare Tony down, the fucker. “But you need to take into consideration that ‘the marriage’ as you know it is just the most long lived and respected form of union on Midgard, which is untrue for most of the other Realms. I’ve been married by Aesir customs, married twice.” He jumps to Tony, covering fifteen feet in one effortless leap. “What the All-Father demands is different.”

“I don’t care.”

Tony doesn’t, he doesn’t care about some medieval crap with predestiny and respectful unions.

“‘Medieval.’” Loki spits. “Your charming egotism will help in your business, I think.” He smiles toothily at Tony’s outraged grimace. “Your conservative and limited brain is so busy clutching at comforting concepts you can’t even hear me properly.”

“Conservative and limited?” Tony hisses in disbelief, because wow. “Explain how is your magic-bound shit is not limited? It was without my fucking consent and now I need to fucking marry you because some guy I don’t even believe exists says so!”

“Consent.” Loki snorts. “Don’t cheapen the word. Your father consented for you, as is your land’s custom. It can’t be marriage because I am not a lawful citizen of Midgard so this argument is obsolete. And it’s not marriage by the Asgard’s law, Anthony.”

“Yes, we are just bound by your voodoo shit and take responsibility for each other’s actions. Wow, that’s not marriage at all.”

Loki’s eyes narrow and face relaxes, which is beyond alarming, he’s on his way to being livid.

“Not by Asgard’s law.” He repeats in a soft, calm voice. “And what a hardship it will be, with that law not recognized on Midgard and as such you being a man free to pursue whatever fancy might strike you. Ah, what a burden to be protected by the royal House of Odin, to have an opportunity to learn the ways other realms live and evolve, to perfect your inventions in ways unimaginable to any on Midgard.” He gives a tender smile, which gives an unpleasant contrast to the offended fury of his glare. “But that’s a scientist’s reasoning, so what am I even thinking?”

And, because he loves having the last word, Loki disappears. Tony swears loudly and explicitly, hoping that the words will reach their target.

Loki doesn’t pop out the following day, or week, or month. Tony goes from scared to angry to repentant to offended to furious.

By the time the bastard decides to finally show his face the Tower is ready, a shiny, perfect thing better than anything Tony could’ve dream of. In a fit, tied in knots about Loki’s absence, he decided to stop with the weapons and now is busy dealing with the fallout. The press hounds him, Obie keeps throwing him dark looks and even always flawless Pep looks harried.

Tony arranges for a new PA and that is exactly when a timid-looking guy decides to throw a fucking grenade at him. Tony is too busy staring as the grenade is being disintegrated by a golden mist to hear the crunch of bones.

He looks up at Pep’s scream and follows the guy as he drops to Loki’s feet, his head turned almost 180. There’s a moment of silence and they are alone again, body vanishing along with Loki.

“You fucking motherfucker.” Tony growls, which is a bit lame, but whatever. What the fuck is he thinking, disappearing and then-

Loki is here again, with a loud, uncharacteristic noise. He looks at Pepper and throws another body at her feet.

“I though corporate espionage is against the law on Midgard.” He sneers, nudging at the woman. “Or do you invite killers willfully?”

Pepper, bless her, calms down immediately and peers down at the woman, who, Tony can see now, is alive and just unconscious.

“Are you bleeding?” Is what she asks next and Tony snaps his eyes higher. Loki’s lips press together and it brings out the unhealthy grayness of his face.

“Look out for her.” Is his reply.

“Wait a second.” Tony springs into action, cursing himself for standing there like an idiot. Loki picks up the woman and gives Tony an unimpressed stare.

“We need to talk”. Tony says quickly but it’s too late.

He curses again and turns away from Pep’s curious and pitying eyes.

Fucker, selfish fucker, that Loki.

Tony doesn’t bother with goodbye, just goes to his fabulous penthouse and pulls the feed. He tells himself it’s purely to learn who wants him dead but in truth he concentrates on Loki as he appears in a burst of sparks and grasps the man’s head, long fingers sure, experienced. Loki sways a little as he pick the body up and sways again when he reappears with the woman - who Tony needs to investigate also - and Loki’s never swayed, even when he played his part as Adam.

He hates himself for the fact that all of his anger and indignation disappear and now there is only worry and brittle hope, stronger than ever, because Loki protected him, he obviously came because that golden thingy alerted him and the fact that Tony was, err, spelled, apparently, is a bit condescending but mostly returns the warmth missing since after their last conversation.

Tony hates that he is mostly okay with the weird not-really-marriage thing because it will give him an added leverage to pin Loki down and explore other planets, fuck that, other star systems, Tony was really having a childish reaction. Maybe he needed the time to stew and think this shit over, who knows. Now he just hopes that Loki’s alright and comes back soon. He chases the thoughts of ‘six months are nothing to his fifteen thousand years, he can disappear for a year this time’ away with effort. Tony hopes.

“Sir.” JARVIS wakes him gently. “Sir, you have a guest.”

“Whatever.” Tony yawns, tries to stretch his neck.

“It’s Mr Odinson.” J says with a hint of gentle reproach and Tony bolts out of his chair.

“The living room, sir.” JARVIS provides.

Loki is standing in front of the glass wall (because Tony’s had enough of the mansion’s semi-darkness), cutting an impressive figure against the windows. For the first time he’s dressed in not Earth’s clothes. There is a lot of leather and what looks like gold designs on his boots and sleeves.

At Tony’s steps Loki turns around, revealing more gold on his high collar and what looks like a stylized breastplate. He looks kinda like the prince he claims to be.

“You needed to talk.” Loki says evenly, keen eyes watching as Tony moves forward and politely looks at Loki’s face and not his alien clothes.

“Yeah, well.” This is so uncomfortable, fuck. “Want a drink?”

After a moment of consideration Loki inclines his head. His gaze presses on Tony as he moves to the bar and waves in the direction of the couch, hoping the gesture is welcoming and effortless, not dismissive.

Loki is surprisingly omnivorous so Tony takes a decanter of whiskey, because there’s no way he’s living through this conversation sober. By the time he makes it to the chair Loki’s already settled, more collected than his usual sprawl of limbs.

“I have conversed with JARVIS briefly.” Loki starts and Tony, who was just a second ago busy manning up to apologize, is blindsided a bit. “He has new servers and capacity, isn’t he better as your assistant?”

The question is voiced with a gentle curiosity, which is very polite, and Tony hates it. He snorts and waves his glass.

“But I programmed J and I can silent him. That’s sometimes counterproductive.”

He waits for a snort or a derisive smile at ‘counterproductive’, but it never comes and Tony frowns. “C’mon, what’s with that diplomatic stuff?” He can’t quite bring himself to apologize, not because he doesn’t feel guilty, but because- Tony doesn’t even know himself.

Loki’s eyes are unnaturally green and very bright.

“What do you wish to talk about?”

Honestly, sincerely, Tony just can’t. What the fuck is up with that bastard?

“What do you think? Where were you, why the fuck did you just leave and didn’t bother to, I don’t know, visit and rant at me? What’s that misty thing and what the fuck did it do to a grenade? Why weren’t the pen Pep threw at me three weeks ago misted away? Are you alright? Because you didn’t look all that great just this morning. Where did you take that guy and I really want to investigate, you know, my attempted assassination. And is all that shit with not-marriage still valid or  you just decided to fuck off for good?”

Loki’s brows shoot up at that last part and admittedly Tony has revealed a bit more than he intended.

“Hmm.” Loki visibly relaxes, his body sprawling more and face more open. He looks up. “In order: I think there are multiple questions you want to talk about, I have left because there were too many hurtful words on my mind and some blows are easy to make and hard to recover from.” Loki’s eyes are heavy under his slight frown. “I had no desire to make a visit for a quarrel and I have duties I needed to attend to on top of that. I left a protection spell working and it is somewhat sentient so it couldn’t react violently to the Lady Pepper’s pen. I am well, the alert came in a bit of situation but the Aesir are more resilient than you of Midgard and any wounds I received are healed by now. Your assailant's body is kept for future purposes and the union still needs to take place.”

“Somewhat sentient?” Tony repeats and forces himself back on track. “Well, thanks for holding back, I suppose.” He doesn’t know what to say. Tony feel stupidly grateful for that, shit, he is angry but he’s also glad that Loki didn’t eviscerate him, because he very well can, both with words and, apparently, with his bare hands, fuck. Tony just knows that he’s most likely will rewatch the footage of this evening when Loki leaves. With that thought in mind he blurts. “Are you staying over? There’s a floor for you.”

He wants to disappear as soon as he says that, but Loki brightens a bit, not a hint of derision on his face. “A floor for me?” He smiles, but it’s a pleased smile.

“Yeah, well, aren’t you a prince?” Tony tries for lighthearted. It was a foregone thing in his planning, even after Loki decided to hide his face, that there would be a place for him, and what a joke to give a guest room when Tony has the whole Tower and it’s Loki.

“Show me.” Loki says, as he always has, when he was Adam and demanded to know everything about Tony’s work and when he is Loki and wants to know everything about Tony’s life.

Loki likes his floor, which is a bit strange, because Tony had no idea what to do with the interior and left it as it is - bare walls, which makes him a bit of a dumbass to invite a guest to sleep on cement floor.

Still, Loki is obviously pleased. “Ah, and can I raise the walls as I see fit?”

Tony shrugs at that, because whatever. “You have to let me get J’s sensors here, though.”

“I’m afraid my seidr will intervene with their workings anyway, but I’ll think of something if that’s necessary.” Loki allows, making a dismissive gesture and successfully making every wall disappear. Tony blinks at the sudden illusion of low ceiling and turns around in light panic. Thankfully, the elevator is still present.

“Are you competing with the palace of Asgard, Anthony?” Loki asks with a smile as he steps around, looking back and forth. There are multiple shiny balls springing from his hands and floating around and giving the surroundings a warm hue.

“I’m Tony Stark.” Tony huffs in reply, which sounds a bit stupid but Loki nods in understanding. Then he makes a forceful step, more like a stomp and the space begins to morph.

In a matter of minutes they are standing in an inviting hall, with light walls and ceiling adorned with what looks like multiple polished crystals. Loki disappears into a wide, large arc of pale stone and by the time Tony catches up the next room is transformed also, there is a large black bowl in the middle, made of what appears to be semi-transparent rock.

“Is it one of your customs?” Tony calls while Loki is busy creating low padded stools or something. At the inquiring glance Tony shrugs and motions at the bowl. “I know you are not vikings but you must drink a lot.” The bowl is easily seven feet in diameter.

Loki looks uncommonly bewildered then he huffs. “It’s a fireplace, Anthony.”

“A- A what? It’s not a fireproof room!”

He receives an impressive eye roll in reply. Loki settles on a very soft-looking seat and gives Tony one last dirty look before dumping firewood and with a snap of fingers there is fire. Bright golden light which lights the bowl from the inside, making it rich red with deep blue streaks running roots-like from the bottom of the bowl.

“There will be no smoke.” Loki says, looking at the ceiling intently. There is nothing to see for a mortal eye but aside from pleasant warmth there is no smell or other sign of open fire. Tony settles closer to Loki and stares at the crackling fire.

“You can’t create matter.” He says at last because he can’t really think of anything else.

“Of course not.” Loki replies. “The law of Universe doesn’t work like that.”

“Right. Because you knew physics so well.”

It was Tony who had to explain everything to him, even if Loki is an exceptionally fast learner.

“Oh, do be more condescending. I never learned Midgard’s sciences and why would I? You have only recently began to get closer to understanding the world around you, while Svartalfar scholars knew how to create local singularities long before the birth of eucumene.” Loki snorts gently at the last word. “To be able to change the Universe at will one must understand how it works; to apply pressure at exactly the right point in the exact amount. This is what a mage is, and magic as you so charmingly laugh at is nothing like what I grew up learning. We do not deal in toad hearts or whatever your tales concocted. We study the workings of seidr and the World Tree and work with the knowledge we gather, we do not hope for a result.”

“So. Still physics.” Tony grins at Loki’s huff and nudges a bit closer. “And what were you doing? How did you make all this stuff?”

“I did not make the fireholder. I fetched it from my workroom, such items are not created overnight. Mostly I just rearranged the matter residing here. There will be more work to make the floor to my liking, but it will do for now.”

“Wow, your mageness, you’re easy to please.” Tony gives the bare room a telling look and grins. He missed this.

“I slept on bare stone or wet shore many a time. This is no hardship.”

“Sure, Loki Grills, as you say.” Then, after a pause, Tony itches again. “So, you can take whatever you want from wherever?”

Loki scrunches his nose. “I need to be familiar with the place and with the item in question; my workroom is imbued with my seidr, it’s the place I know the best in all the Realms, as such concentrating on it and reaching out is no hardship. Otherwise it’s easier to shift somewhere and extract what is needed by hand. Small items I carry around.” He makes a smooth gesture rotating his wrist and there is a bottle in his hand.

“Are you telling me you have a pocket dimension?” Tony asks, because. Because.

“You call it that, yes.” Loki nods. “But it’s more like a cluster of bends in space, individual for each item. It’s easier that way.”

Tony blinks at him, what the fuck, you bastard, how could you- it hits him suddenly that Loki’s been teleporting this whole time and apparently Tony’s been so deep in denial that he wrote it off as some bullshit pseudo-god power, but no, Loki has just been bending time and space and leaping light years away and back with just a thought.

“Do it again!” Tony demands, hopping closer and concentrating solely on Loki’s hands. He has a moment to hate himself for sounding like an eager kid (he feels like an eager kid, but that’s a heartbreak for another time), then Loki lifts both hands and makes a flowing, rotating gesture, then grasps as a book appears out of thin air. He passes it to Tony, who takes it with a rare reverence.

The book is solid. Quite heavy for its size, no thicker than Tony’s thumb and bound in an unknown material with three clasps made of dull red metal. They are completely smooth without a hint of a slit and flow into the cover seamlessly.

Maybe the questions are apparent on Tony’s face, because Loki reaches and expertly flicks open the clasps.

“This is my latest, ah,” he frowns, looking for the word, “dissertation, you might say. It’s a standard protection for spell-filled writings, they can be violent without proper containment.”

Tony feels like Harry Potter, only rich and insanely smart and having not mumbo-jumbo words but extraphysics in front of him. Some pages are nothing but symbols and they are obviously words but there are often blocks of completely different symbols. Sometimes there are diagrams, one page opens by itself and Loki has to slap it and burn the drawing back into the page. The lines make Tony’s brain hurt a bit because they are clearly not even three-dimensional.

“Enough.” Loki says gently and takes the book back. He slaps it closed with force and the clasps morph together. Tony wants it back, his own, science fairytale literally in his hands.

The book disappears again and instead Loki holds Tony’s favorite mug. He turns it around in his hands, drums his fingers along the rim and then gives it to the owner.

“Here.” He says with a slight smile. “It will contain four times its measure of liquid and will keep it of starting temperature.”

Tony stares at him of a moment, then his gaze snaps to the unassuming (and now very clean, of course) mug, then back. Then Tony frantically looks around, but of course there is nothing here and he bolts to the elevator. The crystals in the first hall twinkle in rhythm with their gentle shift in brightness but Tony sees and hears none, he is busy tearing down to his kitchen and firing commands at Jarvis, who is not very pleased at having a whole floor basically cut out from his reach.

“Later, J.” Tony promises as he dumps iced water into the mug and watches it disappear. The bottom of the mug is foggy and Tony can’t see where and how the water goes but after a while it begins to fill and then he dumps the water in the sink, watching as it flows.

It’s not a real science test, but Tony is still feeling like a kid and he feels ridiculously happy, as if he’s received a gift he asked but didn’t believe he’d get. Except he couldn’t even ask for that, that casual, fast and effortless bending of all the laws he knows.

“It will contain solid objects according to its visible size and expel the dirt after a while.” Loki says from behind Tony, startling the man. “For safety concerns I spelled it unbreakable in usual circumstances, but be aware that upon destruction the contained space will enlarge and then implode, affecting at least seven feet of surroundings. Concentrating laser on it will most likely result in destruction.”

Tony gapes at him and carefully places the mug on the counter. Suddenly he can see the awkwardness in Loki, in the way he stands and patiently waits for the reaction, his face relaxed but eyes alert and ready. Tony doesn’t know what it is Loki is preparing himself for, doesn’t want to know why he is so uncomfortable with giving gifts but there is too much in his chest to contain so he dives forward and gives Loki a hug.

It’s an awkward thing, marred by Tony’s indignation at Loki’s too tall frame and the fact that he isn’t used to being physical, but it beats talking about problems, so Tony grasps at the soft texture of Loki’s jacket and after a moment a hand is placed carefully on his shoulder. It doesn’t press him closer but neither is it pulling him back so that’s a win.

From that point on it’s like the floodgates are open and Tony can’t stop reaching out and touching. It takes some time to notice and some more time to analyse and in the end it’s Jarv who concludes that it’s most likely that sir’s actions are a result from severe touch starvation. Well, that explains it.

Actually, no, it doesn’t explain Tony’s childlike joy when the whole business with the ‘union’ is explained properly, doesn’t explain a sneaky thought at the back of his mind that Loki can’t really go away and abandon Tony. It’s an unpleasant arrangement in concept but does Tony care? Not in the least, not anymore. From what he saw Loki enjoys his company and it’s very much reciprocated, so that’s it.

The whole ordeal is far less impressive than Tony’s expected, what with Loki’s title and big words about magic. There is the teleportation (which is severely unpleasant on what feels like molecular level) and Loki’s determined eyes as he takes Tony’s hand and places it on a warm bluish panel in a column of solid black stone.

“Recognized.” A solemn woman nods and a dozen of figures go on their business. That’s it, the big thing Loki was raving about is summed in a couple of seconds, because ‘of course, Anthony, the ceremony or any redundant flair is harmful to the dealings of seidr’ (so cute, there is not redundant flair).

Tony has much larger things to concentrate on, like for example the strong possibility that his sexuality has taken an abrupt one eighty and there is a whole list of moments normal at first but which are constantly on the back on his mind, like milestones leading to the inevitable.

There was that awkward hug in his kitchen, the first time Loki laughed freely, that day they spent under the invisibility spell, the purple spires of Svartalfheim, Loki’s hunting outfit and his dress armor which to be fair Tony has seen maybe a fraction of a second, because he kinda needed help for his latest experiment and was exploiting his right to call. Loki wasn’t impressed and left immediately; Tony pulled the feed to try and catch the moment of his arrival and, well. He wasn’t aware Asgard’s fashion trends tended towards ‘obscene’ or ‘obscenely revealing’.

Despite the numerous willing women he’s picked up in blatant protest, Tony feels wrong-footed somehow, unable to even recognize his attraction. He knows he’s getting clingier, abusing Loki’s goodwill and patience, but it’s just good. Tony will stop as soon as he’s told to, until then, he’ll take what he can.

This stellar plan is destroyed by the betrayal of Tony’s own body. He’s busy listening to Loki explaining how their flying ships work, maintaining just enough brainpower to ask appropriate questions now and then, while most of the focus is directed at the way Loki’s chest expands on inhales and rumbles when he speaks. After a while there is a pause and Loki says, “Is that particular topic arousing or are you just in the mood?”

Tony freezes, but it’s too late, he’s pressed himself close so thoroughly that there is no way for misinterpretation. For a couple of agonizing moments he keeps still in a childish hope that if he wishes for it hard enough it will all disappear - his boner, Loki’s attention and the fact that he can’t even jerk off properly anymore, because there is one person on his mind and he’s afraid of mind reading.

Not getting an answer Loki simply lays a hand on Tony’s shoulder, a heavy, grounding presence and it’s electrifying. At the resulting shudder, the mage exhales softly.

“Or there is that.” He says nonsensically and his hand travels to Tony’s jawbone, a steady torture. Loki’s eyes are always attentive, but this is something else; in the back of Tony’s mind there is a thought that their position is ridiculous and more than resembling covers for numerous trash romantic novels the maids used to read and think their hid so well. Then Loki kisses and Tony comes alive, scrambling forward a bit to align them better and put his hands everywhere at once. He doesn’t know what he wants but that apparently it was a bit too long and if there isn’t sex in the immediate future there would be violence.

Only Loki delivers, oh he does; it is an interesting experience to be the one pampered and indulged: the prep takes hours, literally, and afterwards Tony just lies in a fucked out haze, carding his fingers through Loki’s hair lazily.

It’s a pity his brain doesn’t really shut up for long and soon he twitches restlessly, making the body above stir. Loki frowns down in disapproval, the usual sharpness of his gaze tempered. Tony grins and it’s most likely that his grin is dopey but who cares.

“Can we have science pillow talk? Because that’s the best and about those ships-”

Loki springs into action, one second he is giving Tony an Unimpressed Eyebrow, all relaxed and pliant, the next the mage is crouching over, eyes intent, promising. The kiss he delivers is no less brain-numbing than the first one and Tony pants a little, feeling, to his horror, the beginnings of erection.

“Are you going to kill me with sex? I’m not sure I’ll live through it right now.” Sure, Loki is a master of edging and he makes the torment totally worth it and more, but there are things mortal men are just not able to do.

“Oh, well, we’ll have to do something about that.” Loki shrugs a little, smug and unrepentant; he doesn’t take things further, though, just pins Tony with his weight and frowns a bit.

“I must admit I intended to kill you initially.”

There we go, away with that arousal, thank you, Loki.

“Um, what?”

The mage shrugs minutely. “It seemed like a mercy to us both; I had no intention to be shackled to some mortal imbecile and you are too fragile and young to take to the court.” He makes a pause, visibly fighting with the following words. “Good thing you are not what I expected.”

“Aww.” Tony drawls, immediately relaxing. Maybe he’s spent too much time with the bastard, or maybe he’s just wired wrong but he accepts the admission for what it is: it’s silly to expect different logic from Loki, thousands years old warrior and diplomat of warriors. “I’m so charming the tall, dark and murderous decided against offing me.”

“Am I not handsome?” Loki sniffs, but he smiles a bit, eyes bright and more relaxed than ever.

“You know you are, I’m not feeding your ego. Seriously though, that’s some Twilight shit.” Tony laughs and laughs more when he receives a gentle bite in reprimand. “Yes, I managed to snatch a magical immortal rich prince! That calls for screen adaptation with inaccurate portrayal of sex. I’m too fabulous for a bland cast, though.” He grins unabashedly at Loki’s restrained mirth. “Also, I have multiple MIT degrees and hold patents for most of SI’s innovations, but that’s all trivia.”

“Oh, yes, clearly I was struck with a sense of Fate.” Loki adds wryly.

“Uh-huh. And spent so much time in disguise because you are adorably shy. Shy will do instead of you snapping necks with your bare hands and returning from hunts covered in blood and guts.”

“That happens rarer than you are inclined to think.”

“Maybe. Doesn’t mean you make a pretty sight.” Tony hums, absurdly happy and content. “On that matter, why Adam?”

Loki blinks in silent question.

“I mean, there is a perfectly acceptable Luke, for example.”

“Luke.” Loki deadpans. “If we ever go in disguise anywhere on Midgard I’ll make sure to create an appropriate alias, Tommy.”

Tony scrunches his nose. Like that, it does sound stupid. “Point taken. So you just picked up a random name?”

“Pretty much, Toby.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Ahaha, the initial draft was around 20 000 words of disjoined notes dealing with shit I have no patience towards now, like Obadiah, Iron Man armor, Howard, Fury, Natasha, Shield, Loki-Jotun thing, Asgard, Egyptian and Greek deities (I just threw it away, because fleshing out at the beginning stages was just under 6000 words and I’m just, eeeeeh, deadline, Oel). Yes, I thought of it. No, I couldn’t fit it all in without it taking a couple of months and growing into multi-chap. One day, maybe, who knows.  

[caitlinmargaritareads]

Book 23- Pet Sematary by Stephen King

[Originally posted November 10, 2019]

It has taken me quite a while to articulate this review, and I’m still not 100% sure how to begin. After a week of putting pen to paper [and scratching out the pen to rewrite], I still come up short with my review for this novel. Let me start by saying it has taken a year of coaxing and talking myself up to be able to pick this book up. Over a year ago, a very kind customer of mine gave me two brown, paper sacks filled with all of her Stephen King books [partially due to my sudden interest and mostly due to her sudden need to Marie Kondo her place]. I immediately tore through The Shining, Carrie, and Misery, but subsequently had weird and unsettling dreams which made me take a break from King. Generally speaking, I like to choose titles based on the time of year [in the winter, I like to settle in with something dense that I can use as an excuse to stay in, and in the summer I opt for lighter, fun fiction that I can breeze through], so this year I decided to follow suit with Halloween and read the scariest book that I could imagine- Pet Sematary. Being an older title, many of my friends and acquaintances were excited for me to join the King Club by reading what is dubbed one of his scariest novels. I, however, had my doubts. As I’m sure has been established on here [many, many times], I am NOT a fan of horror or being scared. I will never understand why people choose to be scared and I’ve determined that it’s a switch in my brain which has been left dusty and unused [and I’m totally okay with that]. Pet Sematary forced me to take a giant leap into the unknown, and allowed me to expand my reading interests into a genre that I had only dappled in previously. I will try my best to concisely summarize the plot [emphasis on the word “try”] and then offer my own critical review of the text. As opposed to some of my other reviews, THERE ARE SPOILERS, so please be warned and skip the rest of this review if you are unfamiliar with the plot and wish to read it yourself.

The story follows the Creed family- Louis, Rachel, and their two children Ellie and Gage- as they move from Chicago to Ludlow, Maine for Louis to work as a doctor on the local college campus. As they begin exploring their new home, they meet their new neighbor, Jud Crandall, who immediately welcomes them and settles the unease that Louis had been feeling. Jud, a lifelong resident of Ludlow, gives them the lay of the land, warning them about the dangers of the main road they live on and pointing out the trailhead behind their property, on which he offers to give them a guided adventure. As promised, after a few days of unpacking and settling into their new house, Jud takes the family on a seemingly innocent trip down to the Pet Sematary- a small burial ground for the local children’s deceased pets. He shows them the space where his own childhood dog, Spot, is buried, and when asked about the deadfall of branches near the back of the sematary, he warns them to stay away. The trip to the sematary leaves the family disgruntled and unsettled- Rachel disapproves of their children’s close encounter with death, and Ellie becomes hysterically frantic that their cat, Church, will die and be put in the sematary. Louis soothes the woes and worries of his family, promising never to take his children back.

Normalcy sets in for the Creed’s, until Louis’s first day on the job when a young man named Victor Pascow is brought to the clinic. Irreparably maimed in a car accident and drawing what seem to be his last breaths, Victor comes to in Louis’s arms, grinning at Louis as he mutters this warning- “It’s not the real cemetary.” Louis, shocked by the young man’s alertness, cannot seem to respond as Victor continues, “The soil of a man’s heart is stonier, Louis… a man grows what he can… and tends to it.” Victor’s whole body dies at once, leaving Louis terrified, clutching the corpse, and grasping for some logical answer to this episode. Later that night after Louis falls asleep, Pascow comes to his bedside and guides a reluctant Louis down to the Pet Sematary. Pointing towards the deadfall behind the sematary, he warns, “Don’t go beyond, no matter how much you feel you feel you need to… the barrier was not made to be broken… Your destruction and the destruction of all you love is very near…” When Louis wakes hours later, he is convinced it was all an unsettling dream until he pulls back the sheets to reveal muddy feet covered in pine needs. The logical part of Louis’s brain takes over, trying to rationalize the insane experience. Soon the dream is all but forgotten, until the fateful day that Church is run over by a semi truck on the main road and killed.

Led by his trusty neighbor Jud, Louis has his first encounter with the Micmac burial ground beyond the deadfall, where he buries Church and is told the history of the tribe. The next day, Church saunters into the garage where Louis is working, smelling of sour earth, with pieces of plastic bag stuck in his whiskers. None too surprised, Louis brings the cat inside and feeds it, repulsed by the blasphemous presence of his daughter’s dead cat. Louis tries to rationalize with himself, thinking that the cat must’ve been stunned and not dead when he was buried. But Church does not seem to be his spry old self, walking in funny patterns and lacking the grace of a real cat, leaving Louis with a shadow of a doubt that he did, in fact, bring the cat back to life. When Ellie sees her old cat, she immediately notices the smell, and the fact that there is something off with Church. The family seems to ignore the glaring differences though, and continue on with their lives as usual while Church continues to exhibit more and more out-of-character behavior.

The plot finally comes to it’s point when their toddler Gage, is run over and killed by a semi on the main road. Distraught and unable to come to terms with his death, Louis sends his wife and daughter to Chicago to stay with his in-laws as he begins to plot his son’s second burial. Knowing what he plans to do, Jud harshly warns Louis to leave Gage in peace and tells the story of another local who brought back his son and was driven to murder/suicide after the fact. Unmoved, Louis continues with his plan and buries Gage at the Micmac burial ground. Gage comes back, possessed with unflinching evil, and murders both Jud Crandall and Rachel before Louis is able to kill him for good. Louis, unhinged by the horrors he has seen and convinced that he “waited too long” with Gage’s reburial, takes Rachel’s corpse up to the Micmac cemetery . “Darling,” it mutters, and then the story ends.

I want to start off by saying, I really liked this book. It scared the bejesus out of me, but it was so worth it. If you’ve read King, you know he likes to drag out the story [much like this particular review I’m writing]. He painfully details the protagonist’s backstory as a dramatic build up to the climax, and this can often lead some readers [myself included] to internally scream, “GET ON WITH IT!” However, with Pet Sematary I feel as if this technique truly lent to the creation of the story and was absolutely essential to the climax of the plot. While the idea of a cemetery in general gives me the creeps, what is even more unsettling is the slow unraveling of Louis’s mind. Whenever he tries to make logical sense of a situation [i.e. Church’s resurrection], he compromises another piece of his rational mind, and the more he does this, the more likely he is to do something rash and unreasonable. Now, I would make the argument that the presence of the Micmac burial ground [and it’s demons, spirits, etc.] are mainly responsible for the undoing of Louis Creed. I enjoy when a supernatural entity is the antagonist [its extra spooky when an unseeable evil occupies any story], and King does a grand job of creating this wicked presence which subtly alters and influences the minds of anyone who has visited the Micmac burial ground. Jud himself admits to wrong-doing by bringing Louis there, claiming there is a draw to the burial ground for all who have visited, and it is presumed that anyone who has been there will fall under the same spell. Talk about creepy!

The one thing I have an issue with is how quickly Gage is resurrected and then killed again. Now, don’t get me wrong, every single word that involved zombie Gage is horrifying and left knots in my stomach- Even now, I shudder as I think of Gage taunting Jud in his own kitchen before going in for the kill. BUT, it seemed to me that after ALL that build up, we should’ve gotten more time with possessed toddler Gage before he gets killed. The other point which had no resolution, and which I did not summarize, is Ellie’s sudden onset of clairvoyance after Gage’s death. As soon as her little brother dies, Ellie begins having horrible dreams about her family and the Pet Sematary. When Louis sends Ellie and Rachel back to Chicago, Ellie goes insane with worry and anxiety, convinced that something horrible is going to happen to Louis [or happen because of Louis] in their absence. In her dreams, Paxcow [aka Victor Pascow] comes to her, warning that Louis is in danger. When they finally get to Chicago, Ellie’s hysteria becomes so uncontrollable that Rachel decides to immediately turn around and go back to Ludlow to check on Louis [which is how she ends up murdered by her dead son]. King, however, does not go back to Ellie at all once Rachel leaves Chicago. This leads the reader to question what Ellie may already know, and whether or not she will end up back in Ludlow with her insane father and re-animated mother. My hope is that Ellie stays with her grandparents and never has to see her parents again- and maybe, hopefully, we get a sequel a la Doctor Sleep?!

All in all, this book was fantastically horrifying in all the right ways. I truly understand why this book is considered one of King’s best and most terrifying novels, and I would say I have to agree. If you’re a fan of a good thriller, and this review hasn’t completely ruined your will to read it, I recommend giving it a try. I’d loan you mine, but the back cover just fell off. If you’ve made it through this review, congratulations! I am currently cross eyed and giving up on any further edits or alterations.

5 out of 5 stars

[scottxlogan]

Tagged by @srk1o3​

rules: 1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own. 4. tag 11 people (or however many you want)

1.) What’s ur fave time of year +why My favorite time of year is probably summer just because my birthday is in the summer time and it’s the one time of the year that I try to do something really nice for myself. Plus it is nice to get out in the warm weather and explore with hiking outdoors and other fun stuff that the winter time and the snow just doesn’t allow.

2.) Weirdest dream you ever had +ur reaction when u woke up I have to be honest I have weird dreams like all the time so I don’t react to them anymore lol. I dream about Michael Fassbender a lot, which is funny because I like him, but he’s not necessarily my most favorite actor. One of the weirdest dreams I ever had though was I was with my family driving in Florida and our car went under water and totally got buried under it. We survived, but then we were like being chased by this cult of people who were after us for no real reason, but then all of a sudden i wasn’t myself anymore and I was a completely different person with a different gender. It was kind of strange. Like I said I have strange dreams all the time so I’m thinking it’s part of the game for me :)

3.) Which fictional character would u trade places with?+why This won’t make sense to anyone because no one else has read the story, but I’m writing a gay romance novel and if I had to pick a character to trade with I would probably pick one of the guys in my story because even though his life wasn’t super easy for him at all, where he is at in his life is probably where I would like to be simply because he’s in a place where he was able to rise above where he started to find happiness in his life in following his dreams.

4.) If you could be any fruit, what would you be +why.. This is a tough one. I never really gave it any thought before considering that well, I just haven’t. If I had to pick one I’ll go with a banana just because it seems to be a super fruit that can offer a lot of good things to the world around it :)

5.) What is your dream job!!!+why I would love to be a writer simply because I love the idea of creating a character and watching them come to life with their story as it unfolds. Nothing is more exciting than being a part of their evolution and seeing them grow and develop.

6.) What’s ur family heritage like? Unfortunately less structured than most. We are a mix of a lot of cultures rolled into one, so there’s a little bit of everything going on there.

7.) You’re in a gang. What’s the name of the gang? What’s ur gang name/symbol? What’s your ranking in the gang? how did u get involved in this gang? Another tough one. To be honest I’m not really even sure if I can come up with something for this. How about instead of joining a gang I just see if I can just work my way into becoming a part of the X-Men? It sounds like a much more fun way to go.

8.) If you could travel to any time period, which would it be?  I wouldn’t mind traveling to the future and to the past without any real set destination in mind just because I think it would be interesting to see where things end up in the future and then if it’s undesirable you could go back and try to learn from the mistakes of your past.

9.) A movie that reminds you of your childhood?+why Dirty Dancing just because when I was younger my parents had decided that it was a movie that was inappropriate for children. It sounds lame I know, but since they’d seen it and didn’t like it I wasn’t allowed to see it. However, my best friend at the time grew up watching it and loving it, so one day at her house we watched it and like the naive child I was, I ended up ratting myself out for seeing it. The result was that I ended up getting grounded for not listening to what I was told, but now I look back and laugh considering how strict my parents were with me as opposed to my siblings through the years.

10.) When u were a kid what did u think u would be when u grew up? I wanted to be a movie star or a singer. I just loved the idea of getting dressed up and getting into character. It seemed so fun to try on different lives for a while or to entertain a crowd. In fact when I was really little I used to get dressed up and then sing to my favorite songs on the radio for my grandparents. I’m sure my concerts were terrible, but they seemed to love every second of it. Grandparents are great like that lol

11.) What was your favorite class that you have EVER taken, ever?+teacher description   This one is another tough question because if i’m honest with myself my favorite class I ever have taken was an independent study 3d class I did with a professor that let me explore my own level of creativity. I learned so much because I was able to set my own limitations and explore what I wanted to on a creative level and do things that went beyond what we were learning in all the other classes. However, if I had to pick a favorite class of mine it was an advanced Photoshop class that I took not because the class was the greatest, but because the professor at the time encouraged me to join the design program. Before I was in his class I had been going to school to work toward a career in medicine and/or psychology. I loved learning about psychology, but at the time my grandmother died and in the months leading up to her death I spent a lot of time at the hospital watching her fade away. Her rapid health decline was devastating to me not just because we were losing her, but because she was so unhappy at the end of her life. She regretted so many things and it caused me to question my path. Seeing her so unhappy about the choices she made after I’d watched her be super happy growing up made me wonder if I was making the right decisions for my future. Long story short is after she died I ended up with major anxiety that caused me to drop out of school. It wasn’t a decision I was proud of, but as people who have anxiety know when you can’t find the strength to fight an attack it only leaves you feeling isolated and confused. It really took me under for a while where I detached from the world around me including all of the people who were my friends and in that isolation I realized that I needed to make a change to find a better life for myself. With that thought in mind I enrolled in one class because I liked Photoshop enough playing with it on my own and that led to the second Photoshop class where the professor told me that I was in the top 5% of the students he’d ever taught in his years of teaching. He discovered I wasn’t a part of the design program and encouraged me to join, which ultimately helped me find a new reason to keep pushing forward and thinking positive about the future. Wow, that was kind of deep, but I guess that answers the question… 

Here are my questions for everyone else:

1. What is the best decision you’ve ever made in your life thus far and why?

2. If you could meet any person dead or alive throughout history for a one on one conversation over lunch, who would you pick and why?

3. What is your biggest fear and how do you try to cope with it? (If you want to answer or if you don’t that’s ok too)

4. If you had to join a superhero team would it be the X-men, Avengers, Justice League or something else? Why?

5. Which person has influenced you the most in your life?

6. What is the best book that you have ever read?

7. If you had to live the rest of your life without technology what would you do?

8. If you could change one thing about the world around you right now, what would it be?

9. What is the worst movie you have ever seen in your life?

10. What is your life motto?

11. If there was a zombie apocalypse and you could take five people real or fictional with you on your quest for survivial, who would they be and why?

I’m tagging: @fuckscottsummers​, @hughxjackman​, @sheisstrangerthanfiction​, @sgfic​, @mutant-andproud, @honorreid, @morrow-dim, @im-just-a-glitch, @cykerine, @avengingxmen, @sillysupernaturalgirl

[a-weird-rusted-android]

I have a bunch of those11 questions meme behind so I guess I’ll just mass post the answers here.Sorry I’m not actually putting in new questions but it took me 1 hour and a half just doing these and I kinda have to study

Tagged by @therandommeerkat

1) If someone wrote music about you, what genre do you think it would be in? Be as specific or as vague as you want. Not necessarily a style you favour, but one that would suit you (though these will probably align, but maybe not) Idk maybe I'd be some kind of folk song? I'm not even a big fan of folk but I feel like it would suit me somewhat

2) A place that, ideally, you'd be most at peace. Don't be afraid to be mundane A nice cozy room with a fire and me buried under a ton of blankets. The TV is on as almost background noise and I have a cat on my lap

3) Describe an artwork you'd like at your house. Maybe include a picture. And/or a story. Why that artwork? It doesn't have to be deep I'd like to have one of those Escher drawings that make your brain stop working like it's a room that expands forever but it also inside itself. I think they look really cool

4) If you could create your own social media site, what would it be about? Or your own webthing, more widely speaking Dunno. Maybe some sort of forum for people with common interests but I'm not sure what kind of mechanics I'd put in

5) A pet peeve, something that just gets on your nerves. The more pointless, the better I have this teacher who doesn't have any sort of accent at all, except for one word. The word “libro” (book). She says it like “libbro”. And doubling the b's is like a common accent in some areas of the South but she never does it on any other word than that. If she had an actual accent it wouldn't bother me but this is terrible. It's like if someone with a perfect English accent used y'all'd've

6) If you could spend a day somewhere in the past an no one would question your presence, where and when would you go, and what would you do? I could give a thought-out, serious answer to this but I'll just say I'd like to see a dinosaur

7) Describe a sensory feeling or memory of meaning to you I don't remember the name but there are these sort of cherries that are very bright red and they aren't sweet but kind of sour and my grandma used to have a tree of those and in spring me and sometimes a friend would try to take as many as possible of those while being too short to reach most of the branches and unable to climb up on the actual tree. Good times

8) Do you keep a diary? No. Never really seen the point

9) Do you have a collection of anything? If you had unlimited funds, would you start one? The only collection I have are the Pokemon cards I used to buy in elementary school and if I had unlimited funds I think that's what I'm most likely to start collecting again

10) If you could specializa in literally anything, like, on a college level, what would it be? ...but what about a degree in Pokemon

11) And last, and most morbid, how would you like to be remembered when you're gone? On a physical and an intellectual level There is a monumental tomb in an old cemetery. It is made of strange, black stone. Some being that could be an angel if angels were raffigured as they are in the Bible is on top of it, looking down on humanity with empty, eerie eyes, too many eyes. No one knows who let that thing be built. There is no picture of me, only my initials carved in a corner. No one is sure what my real name was. No one is sure who I was, or how I died. There are multiple legends going around, including that I was the spawn of an eldricht being that came from another reality and that the statue is in truth a representation of my real form, and that it comes to life every second Thursday of the month, to find those who blemish the existance of pizza with pineapple and turn all of their socks into sentient creatures

Tagged by @morganalefan

1) Post-apocalyptic universe, fantasy world, hyper technological future or anywhere and anytime you want in the past: which do you choose? Hyper technological future where we also developed magic and found aliens so it's some sort of futuristic fantasy instead

2) If you knew a ghost was haunting your home, what would you do? I would be terrified but also not enough to be bothered to do something about it

3) Whitches: do you think they are valid, do you not share their beliefs but still respect them, or are they just some delusional airheads? (answer sincerely. Don't worry, I'm bound not to harm anyone with my craft ;3 ) Oh well I don't really believe a lot in this kind of things but I see no reason to not respect other's beliefs

4) Let's talk about food: does it make you happy? Is it just a mean to survive? Do you have an unhealthy relationship with it? Food is fucking important to me ok

5) What's your plan for the zombie apocalypse? Do you even HAVE a plan?? ...I'll figure it out when the zombie apocalypse comes. I'm shit at sticking to plans anyway

6) Think any given race an any given class of any given rpg you have ever heard of. Which do you choose? You must stick with it forever! Well Pokemon is an rpg too so yeah I'm going to be a Pokemon trainer. You have awesome pets and travel around and get paid a fuckton of money for everything you do

7) You are given an unlimited amount of money and no restrictions to create your own tv series! What is it about? Do you both write and direct it? Do you call famous actors you like to starr in it or do you cast some promising aspiring actors the world had never heard of? I was hearing a while ago this idea of making a tv series of the Silmarillion and yo. I would fund the fuck out of this. First season is all about the Valar and Melkor arguing and repeatedly fucking shit up and then we have like a lot of other seasons for the real thing. Because let's face it if we gonna do this we have to make things a lot less fast paced than that book because it would be a mess. Well I'm fine both with new and famous actors. I mean for Galadriel I'd still probably want Cate Blanchett because I can only see her that way now but maybe also another actor for when she's younger

8) What's comforting to you? Knowing this Friday and Sunday school's gonna be closed. Very comforting

9) Do you fear climatic change and natural disasters? Yes

10) I want you to feel good about yourself: tell me something you like about yourself. It could be a personality trait, a physical feature, a specific talent you have, something you did you are proud of... Aw thank you. Well the other day I was at my aunt's and she has this cat who is kinda shy around people and I managed to get close to it and pet it and I felt really accomplished

11) And now, tell me something about one of your passions! Anything! (I can't think of any other questions...) (kiddin', I care about you) I love writing. I really love it. It's beautiful how stories just come to life under your fingertips. I adore writing. I don't have about 50 word documents with maybe one sentence written absolutely not

Tagged by @thxstral

1) What TV/book/movie character do you think you're most similar to? What character to do you wish you were more like? Most similar to... I don't know. I'd like to be someone more like Clint Barton. Not the strongest person around and overall pretty chill but willing to lend my help when there's need for me

2) What was the first career you wanted as a kid? I'm not really sure... Maybe superhero or something

3) Would you rather have magic in an ordinary world, or be ordinary in a magical world? Ordinary in a magical world would also kinda imply I would still have some sort of magic so I'd go with the second one. On the other side, I could actually be a superhero if I went with the first one. Mmm

4) If you could live in the world of any music video for a day, what would it be and why? Do anime openings video count as music video for the song because I might just throw myself in a random YuGiOh opening

5) Who was your childhood enemy? (or frenemy) I wasn't cool enough to have an enemy tbh

6) If you could gain any skill with no effort on your part, what skill would you want and why? The skill of remembering things perfectly after having read them once. Why you ask? I'm a student that's why

7) Can you speak any languages besides your native language? Well my native language is Italian so. I mean. Yeah

8) What was the last book you read cover to cover? Ugh I haven't had time to read a lot of things recently. I can tell you what the last book I started was (Licia Troisi's new book) but I'm not sure I remember the last book I actually finished reading. I think I reread the first Harry Potter a while ago but

9) Would you rather be roommates with a ghost or an alien? Depends on the ghost, depends on the alien. Like if it's vendicative murderous ghost vs Spock I'd say Spock. If it's the ghost of Oscar Wilde vs Alien then I might prefer the ghost of Oscar Wilde a little

10) What do you think your superpower would be vs. what would you want them to be? I mean probably I'd have the power to turn invisible because of course I'd have something that can't actually be useful unless I do something like going around butt naked in the middle of winter. What I'd want is probably just some good old super strength. It seems damn useful both as a potential superhero and in my day to day life

11) Someone offers you a briefcase full of cash in exchange for you faking your death and going completely off the grid. Would you take it? GIVE ME THE MONEY

[tay-centricpsychosis]

Day to day life

I slept in excessively today, got about 13 hours of sleep in total. Feel kind of ashamed about it, but I know again it’s just the drugs doing it to me. I went to O’week yesterday to check out the new campus, got a tote bag and a diary. None of the clubs I was interested in joining were there, but I started following them all on Facebook so hopefully I’ll be updated about when they’re doing stuff and can make some new friends.

Checked out the course requirements for this year, and it should be quite intensive. Kind of nervous and still worried I’m putting too much on myself, especially, heaven forbid, if I have another episode. It’s probably good to stay busy, though, and I won’t let this disease beat me.

I drank a bottle of whiskey on the weekend, which is how I managed to beat the anxiety to start this blog in the first place. So the substance abuse problem is still... a problem. I started smoking again as well after reading an article about why schizophrenics in the vast majority smoke, and how it might be beneficial in controlling symptoms. So that’s probably bad as well, feel kind of disappointed that I ruined a month and a half smoke free, but whatever. I’ll try again eventually.

I decided to read about famous people who suffered from schizophrenia and there’s some nice stories in there, even though the majority are kind of depressing in their own way. I was thinking that if I can excel in my studies, and become a clinical psychologist like I’m currently trying to do, I could probably write a book down the track that might be inspiring or something. Succeeding in the face of schizophrenia is something to be lauded. Whether I have the fortitude to do so, or even if I have schizophrenia remains to be seen.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect the prognosis is dire. I had what can easily be classified as a distinct prodromal period where all my previous studies fell to shit and I basically completely withdrew from life. Though whether that was a prodromal period or being a stoner, I don’t know. I used to be a pathological liar as well, which could possibly be linked, but again that could be linked to substance abuse issues. I’m supposed to go through a medication review soon, so maybe we’ll find an antipsychotic that doesn’t cause me to put on weight, sleep too much, feel like a zombie and have sexual dysfunction. Unlikely, but I suppose I can dream.

I still have hope for the future, I seem to be at least theoretically committed to participating fully in school this year. I have my business idea to fall back on if the study does fall through. I still have a good relationship with my parents, so worst case scenario I end up living with them again. I still have my part-time job, so really I’m arguably doing better than I ever have. As long as I can hold onto that, I’m doing pretty well all things considered.

I just wish I could stop drinking so much, and smoking. Hopefully I can bury myself in my work once uni starts up again and I won’t feel the need to drink and smoke to kill the monotony. Oh well, life ticks on and so do I, slowly but surely.