#i wish i could get my time back honestly

[egophiliac]

he's coming

I'M NOT READY

[shadyvoidhologram]

I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.

[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]

So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.

Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".

Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.

Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.

And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.

When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.

Then Jimmy finds the gun.

And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.

Soon enough it's just the two of them left.

Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.

But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.

He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.

He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.

Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.

When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.

It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.

As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.

He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.

..ok see y'all when I wake up-

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible

[snootlestheangel]

This might sound attention seeking so I'm sorry if it does, it is not my intention, I am just looking for a distraction.

Since my anxiety is actively trying to kill me, I'd really appreciate some asks or something

The more bizarre the question, the better, but I'll take things for my wips or ocs

Just anything to distract me from the fact I feel rather miserable lately

*i get sappy in the tags*

[orcelito]

Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.

And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...

And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!

I shall simply write fanfic about it.

[milfbrainrot]

i am enjoying this show but i do think it's a good case study in how... not to worldbuild jlskdfklj.

i know it's not trying to be that deep, so it really is fine, but it's been kinda interesting to me picking up on things i don't think makes sense with the hidden connective tissue for what each society is supposed to be like and how they have developed from the present?

like everyone in most cultures thinks girls are fine and equal to men (ex. the moclan baby situation) and even if it's through an alien acceptance lens they're fine with gays (bortus and klyden) and even maybe chill with trans stuff ("ur kid can decide when she's old enough" in theory) etc.

but there are also so many jokes that stem from inequality that you wouldn't really think about unless you really considered it, like the Standard Straight Marriage Jokes you get with ed and kelly dependent on marital gender roles or alara having trouble with boyfriends who don't want a gf who's stronger than them (even though maybe the issue is her just being scary strong generally, it does come off like her super strength was almost created for the sake of "haha strong woman you would not expect it from" and to then make jokes that would hit with a modern non-introspective audience) etc.

if society has developed and done the work to actually get to a place of equality in these areas then those jokes and casual attitudes would be much less likely, and it makes sense to me that the guy behind family guy would not understand that or care because he is trying to appeal to a very standard modern audience the only way he knows how (uncreative jokes stuck in an outdated status quo).

[sysig]

Let me chew you out a little, since we have a couple minutes (Patreon)

[Panel 1] Prismo: *mumble* *mumble*

[Panel 2] Prismo: *mumble*

[Panel 3] Simon: Hmph. “Just because it’s in your head-”

[Panel 4] Simon: “-Doesn’t mean it’s yours,” huh?

[Panel 5] Simon: Give me all the responsibility with none of the privileges?

[Panel 6] Simon: And then you get mad at me for trying to pick up your slack? Prismo: Hey...

[Panel 7] Simon: Clearly you already expect that much from me!

[Panel 8] Prismo: Hey, hey! I did the best with what I had! I didn’t expect any of this!

[Panel 9] Simon: And yet you didn’t even consider telling me, so we could’ve avoided this?

[Panel 10] Prismo: It’s not like I could’ve just- taken it out! I was locked out!

[Panel 11] Simon: You could’ve done something!

[Panel 12] Simon: Instead you let my life spiral around this thing, kept me tethered to Ice King’s Madness-

[Panel 13] Prismo: Fionna and Cake are real thou- Simon: NOW you tell me! After I find out for myself!

[fitpacs]

,

[thefluxsystem]

DID is really fucking annoying to have, actually.

Yeah yeah, friends in your head, pre-installed found family, lifelong teammates, fun innerworld/headspace interactions, good and dandy. Genuinely, those are the only parts of all this I take any comfort in.

The rest of it, though?

There’s no point “living each day to the fullest”, because I’ll forget it by tomorrow. I have to take notes on my own life like I’m studying for a final exam solely to exist. I have to write down every appointment, every task, write down whenever I eat for fucksake, because “I” might not be here in 20 minutes and whoever comes next cannot remember what I’ve done. We’ve tried.

It’s near impossible to maintain relationships because, even though most people don’t know what is wrong with me, they can tell something’s off. Even if I do make friends, everyone in my system has such messed up attachment styles that I sometimes wonder how we have anyone.

Those who get it don’t even truly get it. I have been in and out of therapy for over 12 years, and I’ve spent most of that time learning with the professionals. This disorder has effective treatment, yet so few know anything about that, or about the disorder in general. It’s horrifying.

I adore “the people in my head”, they’ve done so much for me, for us, but it wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be one. I was supposed to be just I.

As much as I don’t have time to think about it— I have a life to live, I have to keep going— it’s still there. Always an active part of me, voices and thoughts that aren’t my own commenting on every little thing I do. Because, even though I wish it weren’t the case, anything I do affects them, too.

I have never lived my life for myself and I never will. It’s beautiful, in a way. It just was meant to be different.

I was meant to be different.

[mer-se]

lil hiatus away

[katzirra]

Every so often I gently touch my screen when I scroll past my Eva prints PSDs and the WIPs I have...

I'm going to redo them like 70% but those backgrounds, and the units themselves were so GOOD. The kids just look like hot trash to me now LMAO... and the flowers need some TLC....

But like god my computer has a fucking SHIT FIT if I try to load them....

I WAS COOKIN'????

I THINK ABOUT THE SHADING ON UNIT 02 a LOT, BUT ALSO MY ARTISTIC FAILINGS OF ANGLES I COULD IMPROVE ON NOW. The fact I was redoing this and my PC shut down and that's why the right side isn't fixed :))

My ass had both a yellow and BLUE PLANNED FOR GIRLLY GIRL...

I COULD DO YOU ALL FASTER, BETTER, AND NICER IN CLIP STUDIO NOW... I could JUGGLE YOU BETWEEN PHOTOSHOP AND CLIP STUDIO SO WELL NOW... THE TEXTURES I COULD ACCOMPLISH, THE WORK FLOW I HAVE NOW??? OUGH.

UGH.

It's yearning hours, because my PC is currently still trying to save layer files on a commission piece, and it's lagging my mouse because it's apparently confused what USB ports are.

[kindahoping4forever]

🎂Happy Birthday Cass!🎂

Taking a moment to wish a very Happy Birthday to @cal-puddies, my occasional fellow Tumblr user, my sometimes co-author and my forever best friend. Cass, we've talked every single day for just about 4 years and there has yet to be one where I am not overwhelmingly grateful to know you. Whether it's Sad Girl Hours or Hoe Hours (throwback to our dream team glory days), you're the one I want talking to me on the other end of the screen, phone call or (hopefully one day again soon!) couch. I love you and you deserve for this next year of your life to be as amazing as you are. I truly do have the best friend in this place! 💙🦖🐢💙

[kitchensinksurrealism]

hate yourself by tv girl almost ticks all my boxes in a perfect song, but the only thing stopping it (other than my dislike of absolute statements) is the fact they don't finish the word at the end

[grapecaseschoices]

Hey!! So...aah, author of Neon//Byte here. I'm coming here because back when I was posting you were like, the nicest person ever about my WIP and I always remembered you. I feel like I wanna explain some things I guess??? Sorry if this is super weird I just saw your post recently about N//B.

So basically...I got run off Tumblr pretty hard last year. Like almost literal pitchforks and torches LOL. I was super new back on the internet after a long stint of not even having a Facebook (big social anxiety issues). So when I used AI art to generate pics of my characters I didn't realise that AI was considered super shitty. I'd already posted all my character intros when I started getting floods of anonymous messages that were just reallyyyyyy fucking mean. And I guess I have thin skin from not being used to social media so it got to me bad.

I didn't know what to do because I'd already made the posts and people had reblogged so I just kinda dipped in a panic. I was ALWAYS planning on saving money up to find an artist to draw the characters but after that I couldn't even look at my WIP for months tbh. I'd pretty much given up on it.

But now...idk it's still really stuck in my head and it's something I wanna do so bad! I've had some new ideas over the months so it's not exactly the same but yeah...it's coming back??? Slowly because I don't wanna throw myself back into it and get overwhelmed but ohmygod you were always so nice and supportive and it's not an exaggeration to say your post last week made me feel like I could maybe do this again.

So yeah!! Thank you...SO MUCH. And I'll be making a Tumblr again in the next couple weeks hopefully so eeee, things are happening again<3

i thought eating breakfast would make me know what to say but i am still just !!!!!!!!!! about this four hours after first seeing this.

i had heard about what happened and i kind of also figured too. i am sorry people did that to you. some people just love being angry. i get the A.I. situation is complicated but not everyone understands [heck, I'VE been on the internet for a minute and I still don't fully know how to feel about it in certain respects]. but i am so glad it didn't permanently crush your spirit/didn't do lasting damage [i'm assuming! and not at all judging if it did. because internet bullying is no joke. it takes such another level of viciousness. and social anxiety is a difficult rock to push uphill.]

selfishly, i'm really fucking excited that it's coming back. but as a fellow creator of ocs, i know the feeling of losing something you were so passionate about/not being able to see it through STINKS so i am glad the vibes and inspiration have returned!!!

but please do not push yourself. as much as i loved seeing your thoughts behind the process, i'd be fine if you decided to just drop the end result and be like 'peace bitches' or whatever is most comfortable for you!

and thank you for reaching out because this really and truly brightened my morning. i cant stop smiling when i think of this message!

[grey-wardens]

honestly, at this point, most institutions' talk about being inclusive to people with disabilities rings so hollow to me because there's so often little to no work done to back it up. it doesn't matter how pretty your words sound if you don't actually do the damn work.