#i want to be able to enjoy my existence | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

beelzlikes · 1 year ago

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Part of my problem is I'm NOT scared. I'm a trust fund baby, Capitalism worked for my parents and they do have millions of dollars.

I did the math: if I had just $1 million and only paid myself the yearly salary I get for my job, I'd be set for the next 25 years. That's longer than I ever planned on actually staying alive!

If I had no pride or self-worth left, I would beg and cry and lie for that money. Try to convince my parents to just give it to me. Oh the things I'd do!

I'd pay off my house and buy a new car. Hell, I'd even pay back my student loans right away. Then maybe go on a quick vacation before sitting down to write a book...

Ah, it's all too good to be true. So instead, I'll wait like a good little boy. My parents are healthy and wise, they aren't going to be dying any time soon, so I won't be getting any of that inheritance money from them until they pass away. Which... Doesn't help me now. At all. In fact, it makes things both stressful AND underwhelming. I have to work to keep my head above water, knowing all the while there's a lifeboat just a few feet to the side, but if I try to grab hold of it, people bat me away with their oars.

"Hey! What did you do to DESERVE getting in this lifeboat? We all worked and earned our place on the lifeboat, there's no room for slackers here. You can wait for a vacancy to open in a few years. But in the meantime you can just drown."

And yet by the same token, why would I bother doing anything for myself when I know it doesn't matter in the long run? I'm supposed to make something of myself? Why not just let my life fall into ruin, accumulate hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt cause I know when I get my inheritance I can make all that disappear. So why bother trying to PREVENT those things from happening when at the end of the day I'm going to be a millionaire anyway...

Ugh, I'm pathetic. Listen to me complain about how rich my family is and how I don't want to work the endless capitalist grind. But if it comes down to asking my parents for bail out money or killing myself... hmmm... actually, that's harder to choose than I thought...

#personal #public private journal #the fact that I could ask my parents for $1million and they COULD give it to me is wild #these are the same people who have me buy my own tickets and food at events #AND they let me ride the bus for four months while my car was in the shop when they literally could have just bought me a new car #but they want me to ASK for some fucked up reason #they won't offer ANYTHING willingly you have to ASK for it BEG for it and even then they have to “consider the pros and cons” first #“yeah we see him struggling financially and emotionally but he hasn't ASKED for any help so he obviously doesn't need it”#NO! I don't ask for help because every time I do you make me feel like a worthless idiot or you tell me it's not your problem #“oh we knew from the beginning that you'd fuck everything up son”#“i hope you learned your lesson cause next time we won't help you”#everyone thinks I'm an idiot everyone thinks I'm a space cadet who is careless and naive #i don't want to work #i want to be able to enjoy my existence #i just want to be happy #why is it that I'm not allowed?

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fireplaceisanyplace · 5 months ago

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I've seen a few fics and posts about Charles learning about Edwardian courting customs and courting Edwin. I've read one or two fics about Edwin learning Urdu or Hindi. What about Edwin learning about Indian culture as something that's connected to Charles' mother's side of the family that, presumably, his father tried to supress, and his peers killed him for, but is something Charles can freely connect with and reclaim without that threat?

This is all to say I want to see Edwin explaining his suitability as a husband friend to a bunch of Charles' old relatives that can see ghosts and them being confused because it seems like the dead boys already got gay ghost married 30+ years ago and Charles saying that he can't say for certain that he's in love with Edwin and all his relatives rolling their eyes and asking what that has to do with marriage and obviously some form of love has grown and they're doing fine, no grandchildren or reincarnation, but they're accepting the gay thing, so they can accept those oddities too.

#this is all based on my (a white person) very basic research #and i found ghosts (bhoota) existing in hinduism but don't have enough cultural knowledge to know how that interaction would go #dead boy detectives #charles rowland #edwin payne #i mainly want to see if charles' mother's relatives would enjoy being able to interrogate and intervene in charles' relationships like they #possibly couldn't in his mother's

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egophiliac · 1 year ago

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so have you heard about the ride kamens app game? seems like it's gonna be a twisted wonderland like game with all the riders being hot anime guys now, and it's also gonna be written by yuya takahashi and produced by naomi takebe (apparently it was in development before geats), with designs by the person who did sk8 the infinity, so take that for what you will

have you ever gotten the feeling that a piece of media came into existence just to appeal to you specifically, or

(brb preregistering immediately)

(as far as I can tell you play as an agent who maintains a secret superhero base for riders in the basement of the rider-themed cafe that you run with your butler, and there's some other plot stuff going on but honestly I'm way past sold at this point, this sounds amazing)

#ride kamens #joseimuke games are serious business #show us the henshin forms!!!!#time to overanalyze those silhouettes in the teaser and embarrass myself by not being able to figure out who anyone is #there is 100% a gaim at least #there's one i've convinced myself is w based on almost nothing #and this is assuming they're all main riders too which is probably not true #god i SHOULD recognize more but my mind is blanking super hard and i keep second-guessing myself #(i-is that kiva maybe? den-o? I CAN'T TELL)#i don't think there's a fourze though. the cowardice.#man this is officially a Thing™ now huh #like how in the 2010s monster high kicked off a trend of 'characters' high-school age kids wearing fabulous shoes'#now we have 'ensemble cast of glossy-haired anime boys loosely based on your favorite characters'#this is absolutely not a complaint. i want more and i want them to get even SILLIER.#(i enjoy the sanrio one as well although it seems to be more of a music video thing? i am. a little unclear on it)#god i'm just so pleased that this exists

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keeps-ache · 3 days ago

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it's triangular! ♫

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #oc #a dollar and 75 cents #doodles #tw scopophobia #considered just digitizing the trad.doodles i have in my sketchbook but i guess we've got a fresh batch now lmao #//i have a normal brain about this group 👍 Trust Me #it's all just vibes though i have no real story only soup hfshvh #i think it's funny how they're like a slider for physical contact. anxious -> flustered -> casual :3 #//anyway just remembered that song existed and man Yea #Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah #them !!#i needa update the playlist 😔 [<- doesn't want to get stuck organizing stuff for hours again (greatly enjoys it)]#/gotta go to bed rn though so tiiiiime for that !!#//three pieces for three days in a row is kind of crazy i'm having another burst of creation again ehe :D #esp since i haven't been able to find the energy to draw much recently but i guess those are the phases lol :)#//anyway i'm gonna go. so tooooooodles 💥

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skunkes · 8 months ago

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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day #how they're already memories since moments pass so fast #everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever #and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed #it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily #so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day #ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been #the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief #and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately #id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again #like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night #one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys #i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i #hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day

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torchickentacos · 3 months ago

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Is this a safe place to admit that I tried really hard to get into MCR when I was a fourteen year old emo, but I never could???

#this is NOT an mcr critical post. drop your favorite mcr song. convert me please. i want in on this but can't figure out how.#they have some BOPS but I never got into the hype in the same way that my fellow emos at the emo corner lunch table seemed to.#Summertime is my favorite song by them and I think that's considered high blasphemy in the fandom but dnfkjsfns oh well #I also really liked the sharpest lives iirc?#I need to give them another shot now that i'm not sixteen. maybe I can appreciate them more now?#I don't even know why I couldn't click with them. I thoroughly enjoy far worse music on a regular basis. I like the band trapt lmao.#fuck their front man 10000% but alas. I love most of their 2016-and-before albums.#Contagious is a GOOD FUCKING SONG and I will stand by that #but anyways. if I can unironically enjoy 2000s mid-at-best nu metal rock band trapt then I should be able to like the most iconic emo band-#-to have ever existed. I'll give them another relisten this evening and see how it goes since it's been several years!#I never got into the full emo trinity. just 2/3rds and i have always felt like i'm missing out tbh

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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 months ago

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also "textless" versions of these, wahooo

#corned beef #joe iconis christmas extravaganza #bsol #speaking of >:3 & >:3 third time's the >:3 in successfully slammed both up against the window of joe iconis's car (twitter @'d & Seen)#which is really just a :3 but whom among us (orchestra hit) is not a little impish with it #first year i did fanart like wouldn't it be fun if joe saw & liked this. second yr like Same plus it did happen last time #then also recency Fun Times bias sure but he did make it a frame in his End Of Year Good Times Celebration video like >:'3 #yes i draw exactly what i wanna draw b/c it's some specific thing i enjoy that much so Yep that is the xmas show to me #so powerfully i was moved like ooh fun xmas villain wrole?? in '19 when i was paying attention & relieved of some bmc closure malaise #by the xmas show but obv Least aware / knowledgable lol. technically showed up in '18 around nov/dec but no chance Right then of tuning in #i mean i had the capacity but did not know it existed / even Less helpful preexisting context. anyway so by the time the show returns #& i've done research in between & gone my god i am i live laugh loving like Yeah i'll do more fanart & omg cyril & omg krampusfucking #able to ramp it up this year & like just thanks to Drawing Experience i'm better at forging ahead through thee process even when it's #extra ambitious like my god am i in over my head? well keep swimming for the surface like only several times going [aaa....] only to yknow #not be that tripped up anyway but still go [(celebrate) christmas!!! (with me)] & be like Do It For The Krampusfucking Gift #one post for another like lighting up my life joe just coming out like ''who wants clips. first up Full Cyril Fucks The Krampus number''#like jeez made that happen And passed it along....it's always the like epitome of my art like i make the specific often really niche stuff #i really respond to; does anyone else enjoy this? if yes; Wheeee; sometimes this is also ppl Behind the really niche shit i enjoy #like i truly hope you do get that kick out of it as i slam it up to the window; worth a Highlight Of Your Year or not #the power of [i do like to Draw the things i latch on to] + [internet] for you #really the bsol design even More an event in ''how did i even do this'' b/c even when planning to make it slightly easier like well #fewer figures; i'll use ink pen so i hone the lineart less than i would to precisely get [line weight mostly irrelevant] Line Geometry #yet still going ruh oh i'm honing for sure. but then like did Most of the lineart all in one night + all the coloring the next round #when i draw quite slowly / the Honing is virtually always an inextricable part of my process like i do Nothing in less than Hours #like i think even my freewheeling bsol sketches posted just this morning took me at Least an hour; judging by vids i played in the bg lol #not quite calibrated to have Attuned Confidence In My Ability To Forge Ahead thusly like oh no if i don't have Momentum or it doesn't #happen to be one of those times things just spontaneously come out great right off without more honing / consideration we're fucked....#not actually the case but yknow still realizing this lol But still able to just pat myself on the shoulder like It's Manageable & it is/was

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sucktacular · 7 months ago

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I miss the days where existing online was a fun thing for ppl with social anxiety to make friends on instead of like Life 2.0 ya know

#sucktacular sucks #this is literally about nothing im just like #so tired. im tired all the time. being online was my lil fun escape place #but now itslike #DID YOU KNOW HORRIBLE THING HAPPENED AND IF YOU ARENT PAYING ATTENTION #YOURE AWFUL AND ALSO THIS OTHER STUFF DONT DO IT BUT YOU #HAVE TO DO THIS THING OR ILL SEND YOU DEATH THREATS #or YOU DID XYZ OR LIKE XYZ THAY MEANS YOURE EVIL AND AWFUL #and its like #i know this stuff existed still back then but also #i just miss making movie maker slide shows #and having funny fake cyber sex in gaia online towns with my friends that i dont #know anything about and will never meet #like i could probably still exist in that closed off little world if i tried harder #but like maaaaann its just rough #i log in and get bombarded with information #i have no money i dont go outside and i want to be left alone except for my friends #i dont want to be anyone and i dont want to do anything #and Yet #my anxiety is on high alert every hour of everyday #anyone else wanna just exist and enjoy stuff or be a hater but it not be A Big Thing #again literally about nothing just like #i have an anxiety disorder and i know existing is already hard #but man online gonna make it hard now too huh #ewie #anyway i do miss my death note mutuals but i cant even socialize with my besties these days #cuz im too anxious and one little trip up and im gonna explode and die frankly #working on it #HOW THE HELL DID WE WIND UP LIKE THIS #AND WHY WERENT WE ABLE... TO SEE THE SIGNS THAT WE MISSED. AND TRY AND TURN THE TABLES

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sunsetovertheocean · 1 month ago

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Someone should invent parents that don’t fight 24/7 because I’m sick of having to constantly live on a minefield

#and every choice I make feels like they’re making me choose sides #so I just don’t talk to anyone except for when it would make them less mad #oh my god I’m a child why am I always the one who has to figure out a way to keep the peace #the constant attentiveness to their actions and emotions and words is honestly really tiring #I’m so tired of having to weigh the pros and cons of asking for anything from any of them or talking or hell even existing at this point #I’m sick of having to drop everything and stop anything and everything I’m doing that I even somewhat enjoy just to be available to #react and respond to their every request or action or word they say #and only being able to do or say anything if they want me to just to avoid making everything worse and making them even angrier at me #or at each other #I’m not your mediator or your diplomat or whatever why am I always the one responsible for your fights and being polite and nice to everyone #when all you do is act all passive aggressive and honestly you’re not fooling anyone you know that?#why is your child suddenly the one in charge of keeping the street from being blown up by your stupidity #I can’t do this anymore #I really can’t do this anymore #and there’s not even anyone I can complain about this to because my friend will just roll her eyes and ignore anything I send that isn’t fun #sorry for the rant and wow if you’ve actually read this far #this ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be haha #parents fighting #rant #vent

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aspynnwoofs · 4 months ago

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hey, anyone else want to slam their head into a wall any time they have a slightly less good thought?

or anything else really

i just constantly want to destroy my head ig

also bite things (my hand)

#tw sh #tw self harm #because i’m all fucked up #and apparently i can’t actually go to therapy because the wait list is so long #so ive been told to talk to my aunt #uh #how do you even start that #call her and be like ‘hey #i want to slam my head into walls because existing is too hard and i can’t stop that so i just bite my arm’#or idk #fuck my life can i just go to sleep #or get sucked into a fic (reading not actually) and stay #not have to do anything #or maybe just be able to stay up until three so i can enjoy the few hours i feel okay which is at night #too many things in the tags #fuck #:((((

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crescentfool · 1 year ago

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guys. isn't being alive so cool. there are. so many swag people in my life. some of them don't even know i exist but i know that they exist and they're doing cool shit and i look at them with fondness that's enough for me.

the people who do know that i exist are also wonderful and i cherish them so much beyond human comprehension its unreal to me that in another lifetime i wouldn't know such splendid souls but they are here with me now and i think that's all that matters.

and there's so many cool little creatures and animals and plants and whatnot and even if i don't know shit about them i think its so cool that somewhere out there these things spark whimsy and joy and breathe life into people that their brain is like a cozy little library of encyclopedia knowledge.

the way in which life can take us on so many fun journeys and paths even if it may not look like anything to us in the moment i think it's so fucking neat to be able to walk this path and that even in hardship there will be good for us eventually and stories to tell for getting through these things.

guys i love being alive im so happy i love life and i'm so glad that i can feel a depth of emotions because it means i can be grateful for so many cool things like this.

i hope you all have something to love in life too you are so epic and swag for reading this and i think you will absolutely be able to skyrocket out of the universe to do the thing you want to do. keep on keeping on fellow humans!!!

#lizzy speaks #i needed to get this out somewhere #today on lizz exists i am feeding my brain nutrients #i have been neglecting to give my brain positive messaging so i put myself in a rut on an accident :c #i hope everyone can be compassionate to themselves! you are so cool. tell yourself nice things u deserve it #there is so much joy in being niceys not only to others but to urself #i think being alive is so beautiful sometimes i feel so strongly about things it makes me want to cry from how wonderful life is #do i need to post this? no. but i want to. this is a moment of lizz brain to be preserved methinks #and it makes me very happy when other people can enjoy being alive. i sincerely hope the people around me and the ones that i may not be-#able to see in this instant can be happy too. happies for everyone!!!

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uchiha-gaeshi · 18 days ago

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I’m calling off my SI/OC fic.

#the si/oc fic that may never be written #at this point it may be true 😔#maybe I jinxed myself with that tag….#who knew that inserting yourself into a story is difficult even if it’s an avatar (or avatars…) of yourself #if you want to like take the story seriously and not treat it as purely a power fantasy then things get…..tricky #like who am I even #my personality varies greatly depending on the environment that I’m in #maybe I’m just overthinking a normal part of the human experience #at this point I think it’s just easier to project onto existing characters in canon while being careful of not projecting *too* much onto #them #like as long as there’s like one trait that I can relate to then I can have something to work with I feel #I don’t need to write them as myself #and I can give them a rollercoaster of wins and losses #Uchiha-gaeshi overshares #I think thinking about the self insert was a good distraction but at this point it has come to a hiatus #I need to think of other shit to write #and also a key issue I faced writers block wise was trying to distinguish the characters from each other #it got to a point where I had to kill characters off (all in my head…) because I just didn’t have the space to fully flesh them out #maybe one day I’ll be able to do this justice #but todays not the day #I just want to throw a random crack event and the founders and see how they react #or write aus of modern Konoha hsitorians looking at shit in the WSE and going ‘hey that’s kinda gay’#like maybe I should just disperse aspects of myself across different characters or make normal ocs and see how shit goes #or maybe this is the chance for me to start honing my smut writing skills for that 50 person uchisaku fic I’ve been wanting to write #I guess maybe my fear is that someone will glean something embarrassing from my writing and make a snap conclusion about my entire life #something something the fear of being perceived???#well at this point it was diminishing returns to the point of affecting my ability to enjoy fandom #for now I’ll just be in my little corner I guess #Uchiha-gaeshi ramblings #txt

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faggling · 4 months ago

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I love taking care of people omggg 😍😍😍

#i love when i can go into nurse mode and get people what they need and run through the checklist of what helps #especially if i know the person because then i already have a handle on preferences or what they typically need #i have like. half a degree for a few things and i have a specific interest in physiology and psychology #i also used to really enjoy crisis management and peer support stuff but theres a lot of elements of that i cant do anymore #because the toll that shit takes is more than i can pay #specifically crisis related events #theres a lot I have to work through yet before i can manage those situations #anyway. my dream situation would be to work with someone to help them figure out what they need #like. assess the situation. find resources if needed. check on their ability to address basic daily tasks. make crisis plans.#start some basic dbt conversations and try to figure out what help they need and how to get it #i know some people dont want to go to a traditional psychiatrist or psychologist for whole host of extremely valid reasons #so being able to help them with self help or finding other alternatives. or just like. being a person they can regularly talk and vent to #because sometimes people don't have anyone. and just one person in their life can make a major impact #and like. its not exactly like therapy in that way. like i have the knowledge base to incorporate aspects of it in if wanted/needed #i think some people just need to be heard and that can help them move forward #and my goal isnt to like. transform you or whatever. there are people out there who need help but its hard to start #or it's difficult for them to access what they know they need #and i just want to meet people where theyre at and help them take enough small steps to being able to live how they want #like. harm reduction type shit. if you just need clean needles thats a step forward. and maybe its the only step they feel they need #to be happy. and now they can have a little bit of a safety.#like. a little more agency over how they want to live their life while improving quality of life #a step is a step man #anything that moves you toward the life you want counts #you deserve a win #the edible hit part way through so sorry if theres incomplete and tangential thoughts #also how can i do this shit for profesh??#i know similar jobs exist but theres a huge foundation of shit i just dont agree with built into them

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electricpurrs · 11 months ago

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i need to be a cute boy and wear cute clothing i need to have strangers talk to me and say "btw i love your outfit!" i neeeeeeed to feel pretty and enjoy my presentation in fun ways. or ill DIE

#ive been having bad feelings about my appareance lately and like really i just want to feel pretty #not like in a ''i need to adhere to beauty standarts'' way #but just. ''i want to be able to genuinely enjoy how i look for once. i want to feel like im living and expressing myself''#instead of just passively existing in a corner with a t shirt in silence #i want to be complimented not so much in a ''i need others approval of me'' way #but more ''i need to interact and connect with people. i just want them to recognize my presence. i just want to resonate with somebody''#sigh.#🧃.txt

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riraro489 · 2 years ago

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They say that isolation is one of the worst forms of torture...

#THIS IS NOT VENT ART!!!!! this thought has just been in my head:#my story for pmd2 Darkrai is that after being attacked by a mob for accidentally causing nightmares Cresselia made him live in isolation #while she visited him from time to time Darkrai was slowly beginning to go crazy with only his thoughts to keep him company #when Cresselia abruptly stopped visiting he completely snapped. he couldn't stand the way he was living so he wanted to change it #originally he hated himself for being a monster but now he embraced that notion entirely #if he was going to be hated for simply existing then why should others be able to live peaceful and happy lives while he suffered alone?#it no longer mattered if he was a monster. Darkrai would destroy time itself and thrive in his world of darkness even if it hurt others.#anyway I just thought I could convey those feelings better if I drew this piece while tired :]#kind of glad to finally get my ideas for pmd2 Darkrai written even if its in the tags of one of my posts #if you read all of this ily /p and hope you enjoy your day or night <333 #darkrai #pmd2 #riraro's random things

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lilacthebooklover · 11 months ago

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if i die, i just want you all to know that being on here has been brilliant thus far. the communities here are so welcoming & the people are so friendly; i've made so many wonderful friends on here, and wouldn't have it any other way. this site & fandom culture have given me something to do in my free time & to be passionate about. it's let me meet amazing people from all over the world and feel liked. i hope this will be able to continue on for many many years, but if it can't, thank you for giving me all of the lovely moments & memories we've shared up until now :)

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