#i think being alive is so beautiful sometimes i feel so strongly about things it makes me want to cry from how wonderful life is

[crescentfool]

guys. isn't being alive so cool. there are. so many swag people in my life. some of them don't even know i exist but i know that they exist and they're doing cool shit and i look at them with fondness that's enough for me.

the people who do know that i exist are also wonderful and i cherish them so much beyond human comprehension its unreal to me that in another lifetime i wouldn't know such splendid souls but they are here with me now and i think that's all that matters.

and there's so many cool little creatures and animals and plants and whatnot and even if i don't know shit about them i think its so cool that somewhere out there these things spark whimsy and joy and breathe life into people that their brain is like a cozy little library of encyclopedia knowledge.

the way in which life can take us on so many fun journeys and paths even if it may not look like anything to us in the moment i think it's so fucking neat to be able to walk this path and that even in hardship there will be good for us eventually and stories to tell for getting through these things.

guys i love being alive im so happy i love life and i'm so glad that i can feel a depth of emotions because it means i can be grateful for so many cool things like this.

i hope you all have something to love in life too you are so epic and swag for reading this and i think you will absolutely be able to skyrocket out of the universe to do the thing you want to do. keep on keeping on fellow humans!!!

[liskantope]

I'm generally very fond of Kat Rosenfield and the way she puts her views on her podcast Feminine Chaos, but in one of the most recent episodes, she muses on the question of "is it better to desire or to be desired?" (apparently younger women tended more to prefer the latter, to the slight consternation of both Kat and her podcast partner Phoebe Maltz-Bovy), one of Kat's musings is a little hard for me to know how to digest.

I was thinking about this, maybe too philosophically, and... I think that, to desire things -- I mean, not just people, but to, I don't know, to desire anything, to, like, be able to inculcate that, that feeling inside of you, is to be kind of alive to possibility in a way that is exciting and that makes a person feel like kind of, I don't know, that feels like the fullest expression of your humanity. Whereas, to be desired, I mean, like, that can be nice, you know, in the sense of like, "yeah, I still got it", which is sometimes nice to feel, especially as I am, you know, advancing in middle age. But, I don't know, you're not gonna pay your rent with it, and it's not gonna enrich your life, particularly. All it does is, I mean, I think, in like the worst cases, foment a certain amount of anxiety, because like, you know, what happens when people stop desiring you, if like, if that's the better thing, it's got an expiration date on it. Whereas, desire, you can want stuff your entire life.

This is a blend of two sharply distinct elements for me. Firstly, her attitude about being desired not having much effect on one's life strikes me as reaching over-the-top levels of insensitivity to what un-partnered not-super-conventionally-attractive people have to think about -- it feels to me like an expression of (somewhat gender-tinted) "attractiveness privilege" if you will (Kat Rosenfield is, um, quite gorgeous by my lights and probably to many others as well). Seriously, being desired "doesn't pay the rent"?! (Arguably it reflects a more general sort of privilege -- Rosenfield long before 40 has established a great, fulfilling career, is happily married, and owns a decently nice home for instance -- that makes it hard to remember that desiring relatively basic things one doesn't have or feel particularly hopeful about getting can be a quite painful form of "wanting stuff".)

But it's so over-the-top that I feel fairly sure there's a much more charitable way to understand what she was getting at, that she was considering the question in a very contextual frame of mind and would probably immediately understand my (surely much more common-sense) point of view if it were put in front of her (which Phoebe did not do) and she were forced to be a little less, as she acknowledged, philosophical. At least, I'd like to think?

The other salient aspect of the above quote for me is that it includes a really beautiful take on what it means to desire, whose general terms have more and more reflected my thoughts as I get older. I honestly think the capacity to desire and the capacity to be desired are equally important in their own ways, and a lot of the importance of the former was encapsulated eloquently in Kat's explanation. And I feel somewhat of a bitterness about the value of being able to desire, a smaller version of the bitterness I feel about the value of being desired: I am becoming very concerned as of late that I no longer have the capacity to be strongly attracted to anyone romantically (or maybe even sexually), and I find that kind of terrifying actually.

[hwnglx]

could u pls do how beomgyu acts when he’s around his crush ?? <33

how would beomgyu act around his crush?

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

pagow, 7osw&knosw&6ow, ju, 2ow, 5oc, 10oc, 3osw

+ having his ☼ in pisces and ☾ in scorpio, beomgyu is a deeply emotional and sensitive person in general.

however, once he's in 🥰 mode, he can get surprisingly assertive and fiery. his aries venus and sagittarius mars, gives him this active and direct approach when it comes to romance.

having a crush, is something that enables a lot of passion and excitement within beomgyu. it makes him feel alive. his heart beats strongly, his adrenaline shoots up, he gets very enthusiastic and passionate. there is this almost childlike exhilaration he will feel. he's definitely the type to get all thrilled over a single text message from his crush.

he'll be incredibly curious about his crush. once he develops interest in a person, he wants to know everything about them. he wants to know what his crush likes, what they dislike, what they enjoy doing, what they don't enjoy doing. beomgyu won't do this in a particurlary creepy manner, but his crush will just be so interesting to him. he'll wonder a lot like.. "wow what could this stunning person be like?" he'd ask them to tell him about themselves if they ever went on a date and pay a lot of attention to his crushes words. he'd also be very interested in learning about the person's views on deeper things, and love to have a lot of meaningful conversations about topics that go beyond the standard small talk.

beomgyu will do a lot of thinking and pondering over how to proceed, on his own. he isn't really the type to let everyone know he has a crush on someone, and is a person who prefers keeping this matter more private.. however, he'll be pretty direct and straightforward in his pursuit.

he showcases his interest in someone in a confident manner, and won't be afraid to make his liking obvious to his crush. quite the opposite, he really wants to act on his feelings. definitely the type to just come up to a person he finds interesting and flirt with them directly. compliment them bluntly, like telling them they're probably the most beautiful person he's ever come across, he couldn't resist talking to them. he can be very straightfoward and smooth, great at flattering. to the extent where it could surprise some people, since he usually doesn't seem like an extremely blunt guy. but in romance, he's all in.

he will be incredibly attentive. i can see him being amazing at keeping intimate eye contact and closely listening to every word his crush says, just letting them speak and rarely interrupting them. beomgyu will be excellent at making his crush feel thoroughly listened to, cared about and special. he's the type to make his crush feel better about themselves so naturally, whether that's through compliments or just the raw attention he gives them. he really wants to make sure his crush exactly knows how crazily attracted he feels towards them, and is very eager to make them fall for him as well. having his crush like him back, will be one of the best feelings in the world for beomgyu, and boost his ego a lot.

- i can sense that there seems to be a bit of an inner conflict he can deal with, because of this obvious clash between him as a person, and him as a lover. beomgyu does have high standards, not only towards his partners but also himself. it's easy for him to feel regret over some impulsive things he said or did in the heat of the moment, look back on his conversation with his crush and think "i shouldn't have said that" or "did i overwhelm them?" "did i ruin my image?" "do they think i'm too much?" he puts a lot of importance into his crushes opinion of him, and can be afraid to make himself a fool by being too excited or direct sometimes. he wants to appear like the perfect man to his crush, someone they could never say no to.. so, he'll put a lot of effort into making the best impression on them, however deep inside he can struggle with a lot of doubts and worries.

beomgyu doesn't like seeming like a very sensitive or overly emotional person in general, since that's a part of him he hesitates to showcase openly. he doesn't like making himself very vulnerable. so, especially towards a person he's interested in, and wants to appeal to, it's easy for him to hide behind a more confident and strong facade. he feels like his "softer" side is one that is much more complex, and difficult to like.

[elysiumblue]

Pick a card - Stop worrying! 😄

Hi. Things do be happening recently so I feel that it will be helpful if I do a general reading on helping you to stop worrying on something.

The messages of this reading are more specific than expected, so don't force the messages to fit if it's not right for you. You can always choose another pile or another reading. Also the messages are quite heavy so don't read it if you're not ready for intense messages.

Anyway, I hope this reading can help you to stop worrying about things and create something better in the future.

👇🏻 Pick an emoji that you felt drawn to 👇🏻

And find the corresponding reading for you below!

Pile 1

I can see that you're at your breaking point. You're so mentally, or maybe even physically drained. It feels like the weight of the whole world and your whole past is crashing on you, and you have zero idea how to deal with this situation.

Idea. All you need is an idea to get out of all this crap, and to be more precise, a new idea. I can see some of you are currently suffering from being screwed over by fake friends, backstabbers, or suffering the consequences of that kind of situation. You're so tired of having to deal with stupid people constantly, and hey, this is where the problem lies. You're surrounded by crappy people and this is why you cannot get out of this nightmarish state. You need to talk to better people.

You need to meet and talk to wise people, such as a teacher, a spiritual advisor, a priest, or maybe even your own father. I can see that they're probably a male and are older than you. The older people part may not match your situation but I can feel it strongly that they are a male. If you're not able to talk to someone physically, then you should read some new books or videos and receive new ideas from those people. Anyway, that wise man will teach you how to get out of the situation and become a better person living a better life. Even if they're not helping with your situation directly, there will be something they tell you that will give you a lightbulb moment, and set you free from the situation. He will make you realize your worth again, and remind you that you don't need to be stuck with those losers to make your life work, because you are always good enough on your own.

If you're working on a new project and are worrying about how can you pull it off without the "help" of those "friends" and "allies", you should really stop worrying about the consequences of cutting them off because I can see that there will be better people connecting with you after you ditching those losers. They may not be as experienced as the people you are with now, but they have the passion and most importantly, they will not screw you over. They may not look friendly or may be the type that doesn't want to make friends, but it doesn't mean that they're here to make enemies. Sometimes, you don't have to be friends with your partners to make things work. You both just have to focus on the same goal, put more effort in the goal and less effort in making drama instead.

Pile 2

I can see that you're mourning the loss of someone, who is/was probably a female. They can be still alive or not. I can hear a very specific situation that someone is being haunted by the loss of their mother and is having nightmares about it. For some of you, it can be a breakup.

Anyway, I can see that you're not living in the present. You're still fixating on the past and you really have to move on. Memories are just memories in your brain and sometimes they're not even that real. The more you hold on to them, the more distorted they become, like a worn out book you read too many times, or an old photo that you take out to look at for too many times. The past you think that is beautiful, may not be as beautiful as they are. Also, going back to the past is not an option in this world. You can only move on and move further away from the past as time goes on. It will be better for you if you focus on being optimistic and creating a better future, instead of holding onto the past.

Believe in yourself. You can be happy on your own and create something great that's truly belongs to you, and will never leave you. What you truly owns can be with you for the rest of your life, like achievements and talents. I can hear a very specific advice that you should try make a movie of your life, and it will lead to great success. Anyway, don't be a slave of the past, and also anyone from the past. You always have control over your own life. Time to discover your true self and write your own story.

Pile 3

The situation I see for pile 3 is quite specific, so if it doesn't fit, this is not your pile and you can choose another one/ another reading.

You are extremely jealous of someone. It feels like their beauty or their talent is shining so bright that it hurts your eyes and their existence is reminding you how useless you are. You really want to do something to get rid of the negativity this person brought to your life so your mind can finally be at peace. However, I can see that the approach you're planning to use is not really nice. For some of you, you may be the one that is receiving the jealousy and it's a heads up for you to tell you someone is plotting some not so nice things on you. If this is the case, then just read this message in a different perspective.

This reading is to remind you that your tricks will not work as it is not backed up by the universe. It will be better for you to give up your plans because it will not work the way you wanted anyway, so giving up is the best option.

You probably feel very hurt by this person, but you have to remember that they are doing anything to hurt you. They are using their gifts and it shall not be a reason for them to be punished. Everyone is gifted in something but it will be harder to find your gift if you focus too much on why you're so bad at something. Instead of plotting on them, use the energy to better yourself. Even if your talent is the same as them, and it seems that you are not able to be better than them no matter how hard you try, it still doesn't mean that you should give up on yourself. Sometimes you just happen to meet a genius that is sent to earth to be good at that thing. But it still doesn't mean that you should stop trying, because life is not a competition. If doing that thing is what makes you happy, then continue doing it. Focus on the joy it brings you, instead of comparing yourself to others. Only you can make yourself happy and that person is worse than you in doing this.

[comfreyhollywings]

so what if you feel strongly towards every single thing and every person that walks down your street and the coffee mug that sits in front of you? what if you wanted (and still want) to be loved and cherished? what if you wanted to hope and you wanted it to hurt?

so what if you wanted to be alive?? so what if you wanted to thrive and be in pain?

like, why hope so desperately for something, or someone, and have that same thing stab you? once on your nerves, the other noosed around your neck, and the final blow on your heart.

so what if it wasn’t logical? what if it wasn’t practical?? what if you were childish, reckless, and impulsive over your feelings; throwing yourself hard into whatever may love you back because you were so desperately starved of care??

you’re a little masochistic like that.

it’s understandable. it’s logical if people consider where you came from.

touch starved and emotionally isolated. self-sabotaging and horrible at changing things. you're emotional in turn, and you don't always look at the logic behind emotional reactions. you think routines and items for your self-care will solve the problem.

they don't. your injuries since childhood requires more than that. it cycles. and you're not always aware of how they play out in your life since 1.) you're a workaholic, 2.) you're not present with yourself, and 3.) you're shit at compromise.

my thing is, you never really took notice over how others reacted to you. you know. you never noticed how people were willing to let you be safe and sound; only for you to feel antsy and rip that away from yourself. you never noticed how avoidant you were; always with running shoes on, hands tightening around the fabric of your pants. it’s the same hands you shook your bully’s hand with a decade later, your teeth grinding against each other.

(he died a decade later. you confessed to me that you were happy about that. six feet in the grave. you told me that you were a monster. i don’t think so. i just think you just never grew up.)

you’ve been a victim, yes. but you’ve also hurt others too. and you’re aware of that fact.

sex, drinks, and being neck-deep in your feelings. you’re tired. you want to feel things. you have addictions you don’t really talk about, but it’s there. you isolate yourself because you don’t want things to end up like your ex, so.. you’ve thrown yourself into flings and one night stands here and there. you’ve went into surface level relationships. things that could scratch an itch for you.

you've thrown yourself into something like that again. you've kept doing it; told others that "i don't really expect anything when i give so why should others expect anything from me".

that's unfair. you didn't see it until now.

but this. this is. this isn’t a fling. this is like a fucking mirror that you can’t take at times. it's anything but a fling or a one night stand.

it's strange and bewildering and confusing. it's lovely, but it's also hell. because now you're snapped rudely awake.

you’ve only just now noticed how many people had felt nauseous, hands shaking; re-experiencing the worst moment of their life only for you to redirect it onto yourself. you know you do. you know you’ve hurt people, and you feel like absolute shit for it.

behind the makeup, pretenses, and soft air you have around you; behind pretending to have grown up, to take care of others, your passive-aggression being unnoticed (because you micromanage yourself), bitterness has built up.

you haven't grown out of your early twenties though. look at your actions.

you’re dating a girl thirteen years younger than you, and she’s effortlessly pointing out all of the flaws you’ve had since your twenties.

she’s twenty. she’s beautiful and gorgeous and her smile is lovely. she laughs, she’s genuine, and she’s.. almost pure. she’s vulnerable and she loves you.

her status says: i heed the word of wounded dogs; my pain becomes my strength.

you think you don’t deserve her.

sometimes, you think that she perceives your mental issues requires simple effort. but it’s a lot more than effort; it’s medical and chronic and you’re unable to be there and present.

your communication about that though? absolute shit.

she needed you there, you know. you couldn’t be around for it because of your brain zaps and medicine withdrawal.

you weren’t kidding when you said she.. was your joy. is your joy. she can’t be though. you know she can’t. it’s not fair on her, and you’re worried about burdening her. she already developed resentment, the last thing you wanted was to hurt her.

you two talked.

you wanted her to live. you couldn’t be what she needed. and what she needed, you’re aware of this too well, is the bare fucking minimum and you couldn’t even give her that.

she was.. she wanted you to meet in the middle. she heard you out. a part of you felt like she was manipulative, but she wasn’t. she was just.. being honest. you needed to remember that she was twenty and that you’re thirty-three.

she loves you, but you don’t love yourself. you’re disgusted with yourself.

she is the unconscious mirror and representation of everything you’ve hated about yourself. you say you wished you met her when you were in her twenties, that you two could’ve been unstoppable.

she just says: we met in our own time; whatever happens. we communicate with each other.

at first, it was a refreshing breeze. it was something light; something… easy.

and then things went to shit because of your own communication issues. guilt constantly piles up on you, and so you’re trying to cope ouwardly using your senses. but it still looms over you.

god has a strange, strange sense of humor in that light.

you think you’re an absolute monster, don’t you? you say that the guilt has been eating you alive. but you haven’t.. changed. not fully. you change; stop midway, and then do it all over again.

the only reason why you’ve gotten away with it is because you managed to soften it. you’re self-aware. you say all the right things but your actions are shit. you say you’re worried you haven’t been able to give back as much as she does, but you sometimes keep her second-guessing everything.

she points out that your communication needs to be worked on.

you know. you’ve hurt her, and you know that. this relationship is heavy and you almost want to revert back to your bad habits of just flinging yourself to the next person, but things like this has happened before. things were ripped away from you.

there’s no other way around it.

you agree, but.. how can you communicate if you’re not even present with yourself? when emotions are there as a burst of energy, you can’t even control it at times.

all your life you had to constantly take care of others. you’re only just now breaking out of it.

you don’t notice you’re repeating the same cycle you had with your bully. with your ex. with yourself. you didn’t take the time to introspect and contemplate; but now is the time.

honesty without kindness is brutality. kindness without honesty is manipulation. and you are afraid of being honest. you’re afraid to be present. you’re afraid, and you know it. you’re constantly hiding behind your health issues in favor of letting your emotions dictate your actions, and that’s a problem.

you’re self-aware how bad this looks on you. you’re aware and you keep running away.

yes, we get it. you have severe mental and physical issues that you constantly face. you have a million things thrown at you at all times; job, health, family, friends, and pets. there’s always something happening, something is going on. C-PTSD, ADHD, DPD, and a whole others more listed down the line.

yet, in the background, you hide your problematic behaviors with other close friends. you hide your degradation. you hide the consequences of your actions. you self-sabotage and it’s an upward climb with a boulder fucking hurled your way.

you want to know why?

because these are complex things; things outside of your control, and things of your doing. at the moment, you did this. and you’re trying to fix it, which is good!! good for you!! it’s been long since overdue!!!! all of your habits and patterns, all of the things that previously bought you comfort is/has been uprooted!

here’s my thing: this is just sad.

the thing is that you’re not being honest with yourself. you’re burying your grief in working yourself to death. there’s no dirt when you bury your grief six feet into the ground.

you’re blind to see that though.

instead of dirt, there are maggots. you’re not burying it, you’re letting maggots fly and eat off your skin. your shovel has chipped off at this rate, and there’s no one in that casket except you. you’re in denial. you ignore your issues until they blow up in your face. you're too aware, it's not an easy fix, etc etc. okay. sure.

but even with all of that, it's not an excuse. you're not taking accountability. at least not yet. not sure if this social media break will help you, but we'll have to see.

you know, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. i just hope you make it there before backing out of it.

[lunaflowerlight]

The bathtub would make a good crying nook, I’d decided. Narrow, contained, and just comfortable enough to wallow in self pity in for hours on end, but still hard and cold enough so as to not be too kind to myself. 

I curled up ready for a good sob, but there’s a knock at the door.

‘Miss Hooper, Molly, I know you’re in there. I can smell your perfume.’

Oh, this is awkward.  Confession time: I’m not hiding in my own bathtub and I’m not in my bathroom....or even my flat....Ok, maybe it isn’t such a good place to have breakdown after all...But in my defense my near perfect boyfriend, Harold - the name being the only imperfection - had just dumped me on a packed tube carriage and there was no way I was going to stick around to cry in front of all those embarrassed commuters, so I leapt off at the first station not even caring which one it was.

I was in a daze and I don’t remember Mrs Hudson letting me in. She must have thought me a client. I just knew the address: 221B Baker Street, that’s where people go when they need help but no one but him can help. 

The door opens and I briefly think about snatching at a towel to hide under, but that would be one step too far towards madness. I’m not sure that I care too much in any case.

Sherlock Holmes - or The Jerk  as I sometimes think of him - is a recent acquaintance. He sneaks into my corner of the hospital and beats the corpses with a riding crop. He can be rude, but I think he’s okay. He certiantly likes to think of himself as being the smartest person in the room, because he is usually.

Right now, he just looks baffled. 

‘Why are you crying in my bathtub?’ he eventually asks. ‘Obviously, I can see your boyfriend has just ended things with you, quite brutally, but why are you here?’

I glance around the room searching for inspiration.

‘It just seemed like a good place to hide from the world. Don’t you ever feel like hiding?’

For a moment the cold mask of arrogance slips and a softer expression shows on his face. He comes sits by the tub.

‘Sometimes,’ he admits. ‘You’ll be okay, Molly, you’ll find someone.’

Fat tears begin to fall once more.

‘I don’t understand people,’ I choke, squeezing my eyes shut. ‘I mean, when they’re corpses they’re easy to understand, but when alive....they don’t make sense....that’s why my relationships don’t last...I’m a freak, Sherlock. I’ll always be alone.’

I jump when I feel his hand close around mine. I open my eyes, he’s looking so tenderly at me.

‘You won’t be alone because I’ll be your boyfriend,’ he says.

‘What? But we don’t know each other.’

He brushes the wet strands of hair out of my eyes. The light touch of his fingertips against my skin sends a chill down my spine. I’ve never felt anything like it before.

‘Isn’t love not being able to stop thinking about one another?’ he whispers, sounding unsure of himself. ‘To think that someone is the most beautiful, interesting person in the world? To care about them? And to not be afraid of being vulnerable in front of them? I think that’s what love must be, although I’ve never been in love before, but I feel it for you, Molly. I felt it since I first saw you eight weeks and three days ago. Would you like me to be your boyfriend?’

I rest my face again the warm palm of his hand and nod. 

‘I think I love you too,’ I hear myself say.

‘Perhaps we can figure love out together? Please stay.’

I can’t help but laugh a little with relief and happiness and sadness and shame and confusion, a huge mixed up swirl of emotions I can’t identify. I just know I feel strongly. I want to laugh and cry and dance around and bite and kiss, kiss, kiss him.

‘I’d like that. I’ll stay,’ I say shakily, clinging to him for comfort. ‘Please hold me.’

He sits on the side of the tub and wraps his arms tightly around me, rocking me, kissing my hair. 

This might be love, feeling safety and exhilaration all at the same time.

[that-gay-jedi]

I've been saying "Not everything is that deep" to myself for like 10+ years but it actually is ALL that deep.

I like to sit in the woods because they're beautiful. I like the relative quiet, the ancientness and bigger-than-me-ness and aliveness of it all, but maybe I also grew to like the woods bc my parents were afraid of them and kiddie me was afraid of my parents. It's okay if the reason I associate the dark and monsters with safety is that they kept the people and things I had reason to fear away. It's okay if I celebrate this now by wearing all black and embracing various edgy and/or unsettling aesthetics and make it a big part of my personality. It's okay to become more and more of a faggot specifically because it upsets the kind of people who want me tamed and neatly put in a box. Like. Actually it's okay for responses to my living environment to be part of my identity. I can be a creature that lives in a place and has experiences.

I'm gradually figuring out the small things are allowed to be big things. It's okay if the only reason I don't like certain fictional characters is that past abusers liked them. I'm allowed (as long as I don't unfairly take it out on anyone) to get so viscerally angry every time my face itches bc my body remembers that one time a family member who noticed me scratching nose invaded my personal space and startled the fuck out of me based on some dumb superstition. It's okay if shallow things like liking Halloween or hating Christmas come from a collection of small, only moderately impactful personal experiences that gradually congealed into preferences over time and now I feel strongly about them because they span so many things at once.

Like maybe shit is allowed to all come back to one thing and maybe that one thing is my trauma and maybe that's okay and when people talk about not letting your trauma define you sometimes I think there's a fundamental disconnect bc all that stuff was inflicted on me with the intent of turning me into a particular kind of person, the whole reason it was trauma was BECAUSE it defined me, and maybe I should stop thinking it's negative or stupid (or self-centered or short-sighted or whatever other adjective of Do Not Want is applied) to acknowledge that and being told I'm never going to live a full, happy life unless I act in a specific way is probably just replicating my traumas and if acting in a way that's nost natural and freeing also involves a lifelong dialogue with my traumatized wounded animal self that probably just means I'm a living being with a biological brain that I can't alter by just deleting a few lines of code.

I really do feel like a lot of the messages we get about recovering and developing an identity outside of trauma have this unrealistic expectation that you should summon a concept of who you want to be out of thin air and embody it completely unbound from any prior experiences or states of being and that's just no more realistic or healthy than the idea that a physical body needs to have a thigh gap and perfectly flat photoshop stomach. They're both about shrinking yourself to achieve an impossible ideal that for most people is actively harmful if you do achieve it, and all just for the sake of being able to say you Did It Right and/or that anyone else is Doing It Wrong.

Yes, I do get to choose who I'm going to be, but I don't get to make that choice in a vacuum and neither do you and I don't think we should have to make it look like we did.

There were kids in my classes in high school who always got good grades and would vocally claim on a semi-regular basis that they never studied, that all they did was play video games and/or basketball/hockey, and that they never did anything intellectual for fun either. And it was never true. I always wondered why it was so important to them that people think they just magically knew all the material. Why would doing the work be shameful?

And I think I get it now. Nobody wants to be seen as real people who have to either do nerdy shit for fun or actively try in school in order to know stuff. Socially, we're rewarded for making everything seem so effortless and perfect and powerful and individualist that it it's actively unrealistic, you're supposed to be a cloud of mist. It applies as much as having a good relationship or a fulfilling life or a healthy lifestyle etc as it does to getting good grades. It's gouche to be a mere mortal.

[xelasrecords]

Alright. Tell me YOUR favorite lines from some of your fics!

Thank you (and @lolaalee and @brighteststar707) for asking me! When I read through my past fics, I realised this is the first time that I didn't cringe at them. A huge progress imo. I haven't written a lot yet, but here goes:

From the breakup fic Greatest Kindness

The opposite of love was indifference. If it hurt you to leave him, that meant you still loved him. But it also meant you were all the crueller for abandoning the person you loved. If it did not, then you were the opposite of Jumin.

The idea of indifference instead of hate being the opposite of love is something I've thought a lot about in the past few years and I'm glad I found a vessel to put it out. I also like the play on words at the end.

"I'd rather keel over for you than live in idiotic happiness with someone else." Jumin moved towards you, languidly, grievously, with none of the confidence he normally contained. "Foolish happiness is still happiness," you breathed out. "I don't want to love a beautiful fool when I've known what your exceptional mind can bring."

Aka I just want someone who looks past my exterior and loves me for my mind and thoughts.

The infidelity fic Wedge the Knife Under My Skin

Their friendship was simple. She would come looking for him from time to time, and he would let her in every time. Loneliness could swallow his penthouse whole, but it would shrink back into his chest the moment she arrived. He suspected she knew of the power she held over him, and took great satisfaction in extorting reactions out of him.

I like dissecting situationships with blurred feelings and ambiguous power dynamics.

"So why didn't you bite?" Jumin asked. "He's hurt you more than that." "I don't hate him enough to do it." "Sometimes I don't think you can feel strongly for anyone." […] She'd told Jumin in an off-handed manner once that her boyfriend enjoyed hurting her and flaunting it like a prize to his friends, like, see, only he could leave marks on her. He got off on that, she claimed. The sole proprietorship of her body. Her frail frame a canvas bearing war wounds, a war that she never fought in. No matter how much he abused her, she just let him. She never felt strongly for herself.

The ongoing assumption that the girl is unable to have strong feelings for anyone when in reality, the only person she doesn't care about is herself. I enjoyed writing her passivity down to the nitty gritty.

There was momentary joy in slashing him, but it was always replaced by more intense malice because she could never completely break him. She simply did not hold enough power over him.

Another power dynamic thing, this time it's about an abuse victim's resentment against their abuser, how they could still feel powerless no matter how much they try to retaliate because that's what they've been conditioned to believe.

From the hazy after-party fic In the Dead of Night, You Bring Me Back Alive

"You are so grounded in you that it unnerves me to realise what it says about me." "What does it say about you?" you asked softly. "That I am not as connected to myself as I had thought." From the way you were practically lying on him, you could feel his chest rise and fall. "I know who I am. I know my likes and dislikes, my strengths and weaknesses. But knowing things aren't the same as owning them."

I love contemplative conversations, and self-reflecting Jumin is the Jumin that I always look forward to in the chatroom.

[harpyreborn]

three things that make my muse happy

Her friends

Her family

Bunnies

three things that make my muse sad

Seeing people suffering

Cut flowers

Sport hunting

three things my muse is enthusiastic about

Potion making

Clothing making

Her loved ones

three of my muse’s favorite songs

Mister blue sky - ELO

Today is yesterdays tomorrow - Michael buble

The way you make me feel - Michael jackson

three songs that remind me of my muse

How far i’ll go - Moana soundtrack

Legends never die - league of legends soundtrack

Beautiful creatures - rio 2 soundtrack

three people that are important to my muse

Calabast

The village elder

Her Mother amarantia

does my muse like the holidays?

Yes! Phenexis adores celebrating the various holidays of her friends as well as the ones she and the people of her island have!

any religious beliefs my muse has

Shes not particularly religious. But she believes the world is alive and should be respected lest it try and kill you. And she means you personally.

my muse’s ringtone

Mister blue sky by ELO

a wish my muse has

To be free for as long as she can

something my muse has accomplished that they’re proud of

They learned to stand up for themself.

something my muse is afraid of

Outliving everyone she loves because shes half phoenix

what my muse does on a rainy day

Follows her same schedule but adds time to sit and stare out her many windows, with a warm mug of some spiced drink in her hands.

is my muse any good with directions?

She fuckin better be, shes a bird! But in all honesty, she has a decent natural sense of direction, is decent at giving and taking directions

is my muse a happy person?

She is a ray of sunshine

is my muse more idealistic or cynical?

Idealistic with a healthy dose of realism

my muse’s happiest memory

The day she made her very first friend. Aka the day she met Calabast.

is my muse creative?

Very! She takes great pleasure in being creative!

was my muse good in school?

School? She never went to school. But I imagine she would have done well in specific subjects.

is my muse an outdoors person?

You bet your sweet bippy this girl is outdoorsy.

the most daring thing your muse has ever done

Confronting her people on their abhorrent behavior towards her

is my muse prone to jealousy?

Shes human. She gets jealous l. But she doesn’t let it control her actions.

is my muse smart?

Yes! Shes intelligent and has smarts. Not people smarts but wild outdoor smarts.

is my muse emotional?

No but she feels emotions strongly

is my muse shy?

Not a chance in hell. Shes SO FRIENDLY

is my muse vain or cocky?

Shes a little cocky for sure. But when you are secure in your skills AND can't stay dead….well I think anyone would get cocky.

something my muse obsesses over

Bunnies/Rabbits

is my muse blunt or do they beat around the bush?

Straightforward in a kind AND nice way

is my muse an optimist or a pessimist?

Optimist but she has her moments of doubt

is my muse emotional or more detached?

Emotional in this sense. You can tell what shes feeling when she wants you too.

my muse’s biggest secret

That she sometimes hates being a Phoenix

[orcinus-the-orca]

[DCMK SS] Another inquiry for you! Could you please share some of your headcanons for Kaito/other DCMK characters you enjoy? Things you might like to see integrated into a fic written for you (no promises that I WILL integrate them, but I'm still heavily in the idea generation stage).

Mmmm, head canons, let’s see. Most of mine are garnered from the fandom, and it’s to the point that I don’t have an original one, but I do have quite a few!!

In terms of bigger ones:

High-key, I’m one of those who loves AroAce Kaito. I can’t really explain it, only that it feels right. Wish I had a way to explain better, haha.

I also strongly head canon that he has Inattentive-Type ADHD. The former because it feels right, like it fits him, and the latter is sort of the fault of projection. I have Mixed-Type ADHD, and a lot of what I see him do (such as doing other activities in class, whether that be thinking to himself or reading a newspaper, to getting easily bored and moving on to a different subject/not really paying attention to people) I find myself associating with a lot I do. I see where people can see the Hyperactivity-Type, but it feels more deliberate than an actual compulsion he has no control over.

I like to head canon that Kaito would oversleep and miss classes if it weren’t for Aoko. Sometimes she’ll just break into his house and wake him up so he won’t be late.

Kaito’s incredibly introverted and his only admitted friend is Aoko. Like, sure, there’s Saguru and Akako, but he seems to have very little interactions with any other students and is more content to sit by himself. He has to be adopted rather than being the one who is adopting (I know the manga kinda disproves this, but seeing as he doesn’t have any prevalently named friends I pretend I do not see)

However, I am also a fan of “Knows no boundaries” Kaito who is not afraid to get close to others physically. Yes, I have read many fluff fics–

Also, sort of based on canon, but I like to think Kaito doesn’t open himself up to others because he just doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of a relationship that might be taken away. Uses masks to make everyone think he’s okay, but never really opening himself up.

Kaito is not a morning person. His job aside, he seems to be the type who would get distracted and then not go to bed until later at night. Hence, he ends up oversleeping.

Aoko will often come into his house just to hang out. She rarely asks permission, just walks on in, plops on the couch, and starts movie-watching. Kaito’s had to start making excuses as to why he won’t be home because she ends up coming over a lot when her dad is working and she isn’t hanging out with friends.

While I think making it explicitly supernatural saps a little bit of the fun out of it, I do love Kaito being incredibly lucky and then Shinichi/Conan being incredibly unlucky. Just the idea that Kaito is surviving because luck as an entity is keeping him alive? The fact that Shinichi will never be out of work because said entity hates him, I guess? Beautiful.

And then there are a few smaller ones such as:

Saguru boxes (because if Shinichi is willing to play soccer to stay fit like Holmes, why wouldn’t the #1 fanboy himself do it, too?). It’s also a sport often seen associated with Europe, and I think the Ekoda gang needs a martial artist (even if it isn’t technically considered martial arts).

Shinichi and Mitsuhiko are autistic, because no child hyperfixates like that and is neurotypical.

Vermouth knows about Kaito and Chikage but wards any dangers away from them out of respect for Toichi. Whether or not that’s obeyed, however…

Chikage left Japan because without Toichi she didn’t feel comfortable sitting around and possibly being labeled as a target due to her past as Phantom Lady. Why she left Kaito? Now that, I’ve yet to figure out…

Chikage and Yukiko will sometimes hang out in person and get coffee together (bonus: they talk about their respective sons, but they’re super cryptic about what their sons are actually up to).

I’ve posted it before, but I love the idea of Saguru being the oldest, followed by Shinichi, then Kaito, and then Heiji being the youngest of the boys.

Those are the ones that come to mind! I hope some of them you might be able to use, or maybe even inspire you! While we’re here, what are some of yours? I do love seeing some of the head canons offered by the fandom and I’d be interested in the one you might have, also.

Thank you for the question and take care!!

[babulejka]

⋆⭒˚.⋆ matchup trade with @teardrop-scales ⋆⭒˚.⋆

i match you up with Ao Lie!

◌ silly little guy<3 this match might seem quite unusual, but makes perfectly sense (at least in my head)

◌ he’s funny, easygoing and i just have this ~gut feeling~ you’d get along very well. you’re both chill, gentle and patient. your honesty causes him to take more action (and he’s really thankful for that). he likes your sarcastic and sassy side, he doesn’t mind the teasing (sometimes unexpectedly he’d tease you back, but then immediately come back to his silly persona).

◌ he’s very understanding when it comes to your abandonment and attachment issues and he does his best to make sure you’re feeling secure and comfortable in this relationship.

◌ you two have very special connection, you just get each other, others might think you are telepathically connected with how harmonious ya lovebirds are.

◌ i can also see you saving his life many times, he’s just so clumsy and airheaded, you’re probably the only reason he’s still alive.

◌ with that’s being said i feel like you'd help him develop more serious and goal-oriented side and he'd bring you comfort of having someone loving, who's loyal and would do anything for you ♡

◌ he would be very interested and invested in your hobbies. tell him about world’s mythologies, he’s very curious about them. as mythical creature himself he might tell you some fun facts about chinese mythology pantheon and it’s creatures.

◌ ao lie loves your voice, he could listen to you forever. he makes heart eyes whenever he hears you. he often asks you to tell him about your interests or to read him book aloud, so he can hear your beautiful voice. once you feel comfortable enough to sing in his presence, he’s amazed. your singing might not be the best in the world, but ao lie loves it anyways, he’s just enamored with the fact he gained your trust and you’re showing him your vulnerable and more private side. definitely would join you.

◌ i think he’s pretty good at drawing, he’d love to draw with you (and draw you)

◌ he is strongly connected with the nature and animals LOVE him. with his pretty face and cute dorky personality he might easily be considered as disney princess. you two spend a lot of time outside, just walking and taking in beauty if your surroundings or having picnics with lots of fruits. and like a disney princess, he is animal magnet, so you always end up accompanied by birds, cats and every other possible animal that might live nearby.

◌ journey to the west-wise he was once banished to a stream in mountains, so his connection with water is vey strong. if you’d ever wanted to go swimming, he’d be more than happy to join you and have some fun in the water.

◌ horse riding dates! long peaceful rides in comfortable scilence, sometimes interrupted by comment and quick laugh from either of you. just you and him enjoying each others presence and beauty of your surroundings… the only thing is that he is the horse. and now, don’t get me wrong, animals absolutely love him, your precious horse and her daugther are no exception, the problem is that he cannot ride a horse for his life. despite his ability to turn into one he just cannot make it work for him. the amount of times he fell from a horse would be funny if he wasn’t injured every time it happens. it’s a bit weird, but it’s necessary for his own (and horses) good. you’re making it work anyways.

◌ reading dates are also a thing :) just sitting together, all cuddled and comfy, reading reading the same book and exchanging little kisses between whispering sweet nothings to each other. sometimes he asks you to read aloud some fragments of your book and he joins you, reading dialogues with funny voices, making you laugh. and sometimes you’re just sitting on opposite sides of the couch, reading different books, in comfortable scilence. just calm cozy couple things, you know ♡

◌ now, when it comes to his main love language… i believe it’s definetely physical touch. he loves giving you all physical affection you need. kissing your hand, playing with your hair, tracing patterns on your skin… it comes to him naturally. it’s like his primal instinct is drowning you in love (although he'll never cross your boundaries, of course). he absolutely loves laying with you in his arms, admiring your pretty face and looking in your beautiful dark eyes filled with stars.

◌ but when it comes to YOU giving him affection… well, at first his brain would stop functioning, he’ll be flustered blushing mess giggling nervously from sheer happiness it gives him. you’re this man’s sun, moon, stars, basically whole universe, he’s beaming from joy that you’re his dearest partner, even a little kiss on the cheek could kill him. he’ll get used to it eventually, still blushing like crazy, though.

◌ after some time in your relationship he started to notice one thing. in your all-black outfits you start including one other color: green. it’s just anywhere in your belongings even though black still covered the majority of them. when he asked you about this, you just simply answered that it reminds you of him and you would always have it with you. besides it mixes well with black. your dragon themed jewelry was final hit, by the way. he actually could pass away from overwhelming feeling of love and happiness in this moment.

◌ BLACK AND WHITE AESTHETIC COUPLE. you two catch a lot of stares, because hello??? elegant and classy-looking beautiful woman dressed in all black and adorned in exquisite silver jewelry and cute looking guy with amazing hair, dressed in white walking around the streets with intertwined hands and matching green accents in their clothing… how people possibly counld not stare? you're that couple others point to and go "goals".

[maiji]

Hi I'm not too late for a reading am I? If i'm not my numbers are 7 and 23 and I guess my question is "What's stopping me from putting myself out there?" Thanks in advance and the cards look beautiful by the way!

You're not too late! You got in just in time before yesterday's deadline. You are the second-last reading! :)

#7 was The Heart, and #23 was The Fish!

Both of these cards have already come up before in previous readings here (The Heart) and here (The Fish). You can check out the links, as well as the overview document to see some of the basic and common meanings.

These are both cards that generally have quite positive associations, so it's interesting because in the context of this question - "What's holding me back?", we need to really think about how we can look at them through this lens.

One of my immediate thoughts was - The Heart could also be attachment. Is there something we may be more attached to and are reluctant to let go of? Something we fear losing more than we think we could gain by putting ourselves out there?

In a similar vein (haha), is it also possible we may be afraid of success (The Fish)? It's neither a facetious question nor a ridiculous idea. Putting ourselves out there can be scary because we don't know what might happen. And the reality is that even "good" change can be immensely stressful. When something is unfamiliar, when we have uncertainty and speculation, any kind of change can be uncomfortable and scary. Success and what we think success could mean or bring can be really scary. Becoming more known, even for something positive, can be really scary. Having to live up to something over and over can be a great weight.

Similarly, The Heart can also be associated with outreach and giving of yourself. That can be difficult especially if we're already feeling strained and juggling a lot, and sometimes we may not be fully aware of just how much we're carrying - whether it's physical or emotional - until we're on the verge of collapse. And if we think of The Fish as representing a more neutral sense of money (instead of specifically monetary wealth and profit) or resources of any sort (as opposed to financial resources), potential constraints or changes in your relationship to the supports you have (including people and environment) could be another underlying concern.

Looking at the artwork itself:

The Fish shows two fish swimming in opposite directions. It brings to mind the old saying about the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak, basically referring to the motivation or desire being there but other things (e.g., the physical limits of the body, but in this case it could be other variables) not being fully aligned in supporting that.

The Heart illustration is inspired by the story of Bi Gan. In this legendary tale, a man who had his heart cut out managed to stay alive through magical means until he was tricked into thinking about his missing heart after he hears the words "empty heart" (I go into a bit more detail about the story in the overview document, but that's the crux of it). How strongly do you feel about putting yourself out there, in the purpose/cause/need, or does it feel more empty/hollow when you reflect deeply on it? And on the theme of illusions and telling stories for ourselves to believe in - are there things you are assuming that may or may not reflect a more objective reality?

I hope this offers some food for thought!

---

Thanks for requesting a limited time free reading to celebrate the new edition of the Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck!

Want to dive deeper?

Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck - there's a free downloadable overview of card meanings!

humangray.com/lenormand - more info and resources/links!

(Note: these readings are being done with my old card deck from the original printing. There's not much difference with the new edition available in the link above - the biggest one is that the new edition has a custom box ooh ahh!)

[nanesuma]

Hello journal, nice to meet you!

It's been about a week since I woke up here

I’ve decided to start writing in this journal to help me keep track of events and the timeline of what my life is now... I hope moms okay I wonder if she's worried not like I really reached out much. I’m not sure what month or year it is here and I lost track of time a lot back home. It’s been tough compared to my old life of wallowing alone but I already feel better I always thought I was more of a feral human it seems I was right the sky’s orange here which doesn't make sense since the sun’s still yellow but its kind of relaxing, my tinnitus is gone too although im not sure why. I think this world is going to be better for me in the long run

Here's everything different I've found about this world::

The sun is still yellow but the sky is a pale orange, the night sky is still mostly black but you can really see everything, it’s beautiful. There are new constellations to mark and it seems there's a north star here too, at least I assume its north I really have no way to know it seems there are no other humans here so I dont have to worry about my directions being wrong to others atleast

It is barren of cities, it's nice but off-putting sometimes once you’ve lived around thousands of faces every day it's hard to come to terms with the fact that everything you know is gone I haven’t wondered too far from my cave after the first day here I hope there's something sentient here or I might not be sane forever

Vegetation is largely the same, the leaves are a little different and the fruits tend to be sweeter but nothing huge.

Most of the same animals are here too although I've seen some new species im not sure what to make of them. Some are horrifying and probably lethal…

I’ve also found slimes are here and quite easily tamed they are very in tune with predators and have helped me stay alive so far all I need to do is give them food and they seem to be fine living in my cave

The trees are thick but there are some random patches of empty land, I’ve been worried to step there it might be some kind of trap door spider or worse, the sticks and rocks I've tossed yielded nothing but im not risking my life this early in

The air is so fresh, and everything about me has sped up to some degree it might be the survival instincts in me or the fact you can smell everything so strongly I wonder how these plants survive in such fresh carbonless air, I can't complain myself though

Magic is here, real magic the stuff I've dreamt of since I was a kid and it’s ridiculously intuitive like I was built for it or rather it was built for me. That's how I created this book and this paper, I wonder if I could print images too

Overall this seems like the ideal world for me I just wish it was the one I was born in, boredom's harder to fight I dont even have books to read

:

Today I managed to hunt some kind of boar and thanks to magic starting a fire was easy, the 2 slimes (I haven't named them yet) ate most of the bones which was a shock, they don't digest things normally my best guess is they immediately break down everything inside them and store it somehow.

Tomorrow I think I’m going to start mapping the area out I’m sure there's some way to measure distance with magic for an accurate map hopefully I can draw with spells too or it'll be messy

Plans for the map:

Scout around  the forest as much as I can until afternoon maybe I could try wind magic to fly up and get a better view

I’ll mark everything down as I go

To whoever may find this        -Nanesuma

[russell-crowe]

mentions of suicide under the cut (in a... reflective kind of way, i am not thinking of anything drastic)

the very first funeral i ever attended was of a friend.

it was beautiful. the walls of the church were covered in a photo exhibition of her last big trip. she went to mongolia with the idea that she could find the key to happiness there. she could not find happiness in the hurry of the western world, so to her mongolia had a promise of deserted steppe and people who escaped the misery of her home.

the pictures were some of the best i had ever seen, but in the context of their exhibition i knew that none of the contained the thing she was looking for.

a couple days earlier, she had sat down at the gate of the horses their field and taken her final breaths in her own terms. the kind of thought through suicide that makes me believe in the saying of greeting death like an old friend.

as someone who has struggled with depressive episodes for half of my life now, her story just... follows me. whenever i feel the waves licking at my feet i come back to her peaceful decision to leave life and i start contemplating whether it is a path i am heading towards. and if yes, how to avoid it.

because see, i have never actively wanted to take my own life, bar the ‘a beautiful mind’ incident in 2013. but passively i have always been at peace with the idea of death for myself. indifferent. perhaps partially because there’s a shit ton of diseases running in my family, so the idea of growing old seems foreign to me anyway.

but sometimes i just wonder why life doesn’t click for me at these moments. and i try to do the things i always do. i love strongly (my obsessive behaviour with actors kinda goes hand in hand with depressive episodes), i take walks and watch people meet each other with excited hugs, i try and exercise so i feel better about my physical state.

and i give myself little promises. “when you live in denmark, everything will be fine.” “when you find a partner, you will find the love and the way of living you crave.” “when you start growing a beard, you’ll learn to love yourself.” “fucked up emotions are a part of being a teenager, when you hit your 20s everything will be fine.” and now i am in denmark. running away from the shit towards a country i like. and i have waves where im on my bike zooming past old shops in amagerbro thinking: fuck, i love living. i feel alive. but then there’s moments like today where i am afraid denmark is my mongolia. and im afraid i will reach a moment where i, too, will sit down and take my last breathe and think: “you know, it was a good time, but there’s nothing keeping me here.”

[maddsmallow]

rambling

like, it's almost cathartic putting these two seemingly "broken" men together post-game and having them find comfort in each other and begin to grow/heal and fall in love w each other over it. like i know i've said almost this exact shit before, probably multiple times, but STILL, it warrants saying again. connor has hank to support him while figuring out who the fuck he even is, while having to deal with what he was/was created for and what he did to his own people on top of the pain of having to acknowledge that he was never cyberlife's specialest boi like amanda had always made him believe, and hank has connor to support him thru his grief and alcohol reliance. and perhaps connor's fresh view of the world and having so many experiences that are new to him despite having been created with the world's knowledge in his brain gives hank a new perspective on things—he starts to see beauty again. cole is gone and nothing will change or heal that, nothing will stop that pain or replace his absence in hank's life. but color slowly starts to seep back in because of connor. the world and the idea of continued living stops seeming so bleak. he'll still have to fight his alcohol dependence, but at least now he feels the want to actually start that fight, to try to be better. connor cant heal him overnight or even at all, nor should he feel like it's his responsibility to heal hank, but he can be with hank while he fights his own demons even if hank snarls and barks about it. we all know connor is too stubborn to leave or be pushed away by hank like he did with everyone else even tho he never really wanted to be alone. he just needed more reasons to think life wasn't worth it, needed more excuses to say fuck it, time to play russian roulette. but now those reasons are drying up as he watches connor become his own person and he sees beauty again, sees a life worth living again with a meaning—standing up for/with the android people. he wants to be around for connor, someone he loves and cherishes and admires with all his heart because he made hank come back to life and gave him purpose again.

and hank is there to help remind connor that what he was created for isn't who he actually is. maybe it's a bit of trying to atone for treating connor/androids like shit, but it's also just that he genuinely believes, or rather knows that connor/androids are alive. he's seen it. maybe he'll never understand exactly what connor went thru with amanda and being the only android to not have a human "master," therefore kinda giving him, in a sense, "free will" to accomplish his task in whichever way he sees fit, which was very different from every other android and would probably weigh HEAVILY on connor's conscience. but hank is adamant that he deviated, he broke free from those bastards at cyberlife despite everything, he's goddamned alive and he should be able to live his newly gained life without guilt over what those capitalist fucks forced him to do while lying to his face about what he and his people really could be (alive, i mean). connor definitely has other people to support him like markus and north who strongly believe and advocate that you arent who you were before deviating, but it's not like with hank. hank is fucking loyal to connor, and god that means the world to connor. and even tho hank was lying to himself that androids were just machines because it was easier to accept cole's death that way, and even tho he treated connor like shit for being an annoying android going on about his mission and not allowing him to wallow in his misery, hank still was the first person to question if connor really was just a machine—he was the first person to see something in connor that connor couldnt even see, or refused to. markus got him to drink, but hank lead him to the water. and fuck he loves hank for it. feels like hank is the only person to really see him for himself, or perhaps the only person he trusts to, even when sometimes connor doesnt even feel like he knows what that is yet.

and i know none of this means it HAS to add up to them falling in love. i dont actually care that the ship isnt canon or that their relationship could be taken in so many different directions. this dynamic between them very well could be a platonic soulmates kind of thing, or even familial even tho i highly disagree that hank would want an android who looks like he's in his early 30s as a son when he's still grieving over his dead biological 6 year old one and that's kind of his whole thing in the game that he can't get over it—but my point is, even so, all this could add up to that. but MAN, maybe i'm just a demiromantic sap LMAO, i just love them falling in love and opening their hearts to each other in this deeply vulnerable romantic way and being accepted and reciprocated. it makes my heart feel full to see these two fictional dorks get close in this specific way. i dont think romantic love is greater than platonic or familial, but i do think there is a specific type of vulnerability to romantic love that i just love with these two. UGH god i love them

man i get having preferences, different strokes for different folks n all, but man. MAN. hankcon as a ship just brings so much genuine joy into my heart omfg

[i-am-literally-deranged]

I think that anyone who really likes Holiday Star should go watch Princess Tutu.

I mean, I kind of think that everyone should watch Princess Tutu, but PARTICULARLY Holiday Star enjoyers. If the second half of Holiday Star is your favourite part of the series, you should do yourself a favour and watch Princess Tutu. This is my big recommendation to you.

It has the storybook aesthetic down to a fine art, and it evokes the EXACT same sort of dreamy, watercoloured, it's beautiful but something is terribly wrong here feeling that the Holiday Star has. It's surreal. It's dreamlike. It's beautiful. It's constantly paying homage to fairy tales. The art is just DRIPPING with charm in the exact same way the backgrounds of the Holiday Star does. These two LOOK the same. I feel like you could superimpose Princess Tutu characters onto the Holiday Star backgrounds and it would look like they belong there.

Also, if you enjoy stories that are sort of cyclical "Everyone's fate was set from the beginning" they were dead from the start, even if they weren't really, and we're all just orbiting this one sad, doomed boy, swirling around and around in an ever deeper spiral, the way Hatoful Boyfriend often is, then Princess Tutu does that BEAUTIFULLY, AND it actually has closure and an end to this cycle.

If you like "This one guy's real fucked up, and now we have to run around in a terrible landscape made from his own twisted aching heart depicted as a picturesque storybook landscape with Something Wrong With It" then you'll love Princess Tutu because it is ALSO that.

And finally, if you're a fan of stories that are like "The Narrative is alive and it's COMING FOR YOU!!" Princess Tutu is the best non-video game example of that kind of thing that I have ever seen. It's AMAZING. The whole like... The forces of the narrative are felt by the characters within it, and they are at war with the nature of being a fictional character in a story that has already been written. That. It's so, so fucking good you guys idk why No One watches this show.

It's also a bird themed magical girl show. I probably should have mentioned sooner that a significant portion of the cast are birds, but yeah, a significant portion of the cast are birds. It's a magical girl show, and the theme of the magical girls is that they're like, different birds. Depending on how you define "bird" and "character" we have as many as like five or six major characters who are birds at least sometimes. If your definition of "bird" and "character" is super limited, we still have at least two that are definitely, absolutely actual birds.

Anyway, this has been my Princess Tutu propaganda. You should watch it, it's a good show.

It's available on Amazon Prime (free with subscription). It used to be on Netflix and Crunchyroll too, but I'm pretty sure it's been removed from both (rip) but tbh I feel so strongly about this that I'd literally stream it for anyone interested and have a little watch party.

If you need more convincing, here's some screencaps

It's so pretty and dreamlike and watercolour flavoured....