#i want to bang my fucking head against the wall

[sulfies]

"Its 5 am"

A soft heat landed on Desmond's shoulders, he pulled the corners of the blanket closer.

"I know, I know... I should be asleep" He sighs scooting the chair back and leaning to look at the ceiling. "I will... sooner or later. I just, I really rather it be "later" "

"And I rather not see you like this."

He finally looked at Altaïr with a weak smirk.

"Oh I know just how you like to see me-" "Desmond..."

Desmond sighed. He was tired, exhousted, sad and many more, all of it just wanted to explode out of him but he just didn't know how.

"I..." He mouthed the words he wanted to say. "Just..." Leaning forward he put his head on his hands. "I don't want to... I-"

"You are scared..."

Desmond blinked hard, refusing the tears that wanted to fall.

"Why?"

He sucked in a hard breath. He was not going to cry about a problem of his own making.

"Desmond... Whatever you are scared of will not ha-"

He felt like a child throwing a tantrum. "God, I sound so stupid I know, but what if it does?" He wiped his face and looked back.

"Your body will do it for you if you don't."

A deep breath and he tried to speak more calmly to control the tremble in his voice. "I realize that... but if it gives me 1 more hour here..."

"Here? Alone in your room, miserable? I get why-"

"No you don't get why..."

Desmond turned back to the table, trying to carve a hole in the desk with his gaze alone. "You don't get why, Ezio doesn't get why, Connor doesn't get why! It is, literally, impossible for you guys to get it, okay?"

"At least let us try? But you won't even talk to us about it!" Altaïr was getting frustrated.

"How can I even start? I don't even know where I can begin. I barely even know this shit works myself!"

He just didn't want to blink and for it all to be gone, he did not want to see that grey, soulless place ever again. He hated it back then, he hated it even more now.

"If I sleep I might wake up" He shook his head, what a profound sentence he came up with.

"come again?"

"I-I don't want to lose this... Whatever this is and I don't know if I will! İts a gamble each time I go to sleep"

"Why would you lose us?"

A chuckle slipped past him "Come on Altaïr, why do I even have you guys now? For fucks sake I died! You were born thousands and thousands of years ago and now you are here! Same with the others! Nothing makes sense nothing ever feels real and I am scared it actually is not!" He dug his nails into his palm, he wanted to bang his head against a wall.

"I am so scared, in one second I will be finally happy and breathe, then the next second I will be back in that place. There is nothing there Altaïr, nothing. No sounds, not even your own breathing. At least the last time they gave me an island and... And 16 was there to keep me company but now if I go back I am scared that there will be nothing."

He took a breath, then another since it was getting harder to.

"I fucking died so, so, so many times. As you, As Connor and As Ezio. From age and my own mistakes. Then I died myself and sometimes I wonder if I actually did or if this is a sick joke and I am still in that goddamn machine that is sucking me for all I am worth just to keep me going!" His fist banged on the table, he wanted to wreck something. "Or maybe Juno is playing with me, showing me a piece of heaven before she spits on my corpse"

Two cold hands wrapped around his own, taking his gaze away from the desk he saw Altaïr with his brows in a concerned burrow, which was becoming a common expression he had whenever he was with him. "I will never know Altaïr and it scares me. For all I know you guys could be programs to make me spea-"

"Okay enough" The hands on his squeezed harshly, Altaïr moved his hands to pull Desmond's chair to the side so he could speak eye to eye.

"You cannot talk about my being like I am not here Desmond." He took a breath to collect himself as well "You are right, I might never understand but you don't get to tell me what I am when I am right in front of you, you don't get to tell me I can't try to understand. I feel real to myself and you feel damn real to me" His hand holds Desmond's cheek.

"but if you keep up like this I'm not sure how long you can keep yourself from going insane to the point of no return. You can't live like this." Desmond's lips became a thin line. "I don't want you to live like this, I know me or any of us being here is not normal but nothing ever was. An orb, holding mind-controlling powers and secrets to the time itself is not normal, Ancient beings leaving a message through us to you is not normal. Do you think I, myself don't think this is too good to be real?" His other hand squeezed Desmond's knee, he sighed and continued, at least Desmond was listening for now.

"Nothing ever is normal in the life of an Assassin and if it was I would never have you. So don't take this away from me by deciding that this-" he gestured between them. "Is temporary"

He placed a small kiss on Desmond's salty cheek only to hear a sob spill out of the man. "We are all riddled with the same fear, yours is..." He could not even begin to comprehend from what little Desmond had told them.

He drew him into a hug "I wonder many nights if this is a last dream from the apple for keeping it safe, If it will end one day before I rest forever in my tomb filled with books."

Desmond was crying now, silently as he could but Altaïr could feel the damp patch on his shoulder "And if it is a last thank-you gift I rather spend every grain of that hourglass with you by my side, stop torturing yourself. If it is a limited time we have together, enjoy it with me" A shakey breath and a sob slipped from Desmond as the damp patch grew.

Altaïr held him through the shaking and pain, in a sick way he was happy to at least hold Desmond after so long and have him for just himself for a little while.

He was lucky, unlike Desmond all of them chose death on their own terms and tasted it slowly. Not with a bang and flash of lights but with a much-needed rest, in a slumber.

"Come, Ill kee-"

Oh...

He realized the hug had much more weight to it than before.

With a slight smile, he sighed in relief, Desmond's body made the choice for him it seemed.

"Ill keep guard for you Desmond, alright?"

He smiled softly and brushed the passed-out man's hair. Sometimes he forgot that while Desmond lived decades in their body he only got to see two of his own life.

He dragged Desmond more into himself and lifted him up softly to walk to his room.

If needed to be he would gladly take the burden of being awake forever to put him at ease.

[angelicstalker]

I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it I ruined it

[saphflare]

I feel like there is something to be said about how Rat and Lux chose their final stand against Blake. Making themselves look less like people by submerging themselves in ink, letting themselves die and be reborn into something deviating away from how players would usually fight and be something inhuman.

Monsters so to speak.

And how it is when they fight and lurk beneath the ink, the world looks just as dark to allow them to fit into it, like doomsday and that something is ending. So only when finally one of them lays dead and the other unable to continue that the rains stops and the color comes back. And the one remaining becomes something more recognizable in his defeat and more human as he feels something achingly terrible for the first time since the world started.

I know there is the whole unreliable narrator thing and depending on which side you see it from, you get different mileage on each character. But just there is something so fascinating how the fight is. In how Lux and Rat, the two that have changed so much together, had started this fight with the shared intent to make things right so they can finally leave it behind them and made themselves look so alien and different in the process. While Blake and Nox, two that were never even on the same side, and who both were too unrelenting in what they want to ever stray from their own desires, had remained as they were and drew the same weapons they fought with all this time (albeit it a few enchantment changes and all that) to face this fight in front of them.

I don't think I have quite the right words to form a good and meaningful conclusion, but like the tonal and thematic dissonance goes crazy (in a good way).

[nyxofdemons]

i'm sorry but stolas bound and powerless and tortured to tears still pushing himself off the ground snarling threats at the man who would dare even mention his daughter. the breathless all-consuming fury that striker would dare to speak a word about her. stolas knows striker is going to kill him and could make it painful beyond imagination and the only thing he cares about in this moment is octavia's safety why the fuck aren't we talking about this scene more

[silvermoon424]

The way I just argued with my parents about how when people say "eat the rich" and advocate overthrowing billionaires they're not talking about my dad, a sanitation sales manager who makes like 150k a year 😭

Like obviously my family is very comfortable and well-off but I had to remind them that they're not in the same category as CEOs who make 15 million dollars a year. Like please you have so much more in common with the average worker than fucking Elon Musk 😭

[disaster-by-chance]

rewatched the hobbit botfa today and am going absolutely feral over thorin and bilbo again

Hello??? the acorn scene??? they make me so ill I want someone to look at me like thorin looks at bilbo UGH.

[musashi]

they should invent a asking for help with writing that doesn't completely ruin your self esteem/excitement

[tugoslovenka]

this is the ONLY relevant fix

[shitswiftiessay]

swifties really talk about their 34 year old white billionaire like she is the most oppressed person on the goddamn planet.

poor BILLIONAIRE wasn’t allowed to be BEJEWELED.

[beanghostprincess]

(Sanuso NSFW / Not explicit tho)

If Sanji ever caught Usopp smoking I think he'd moan on the spot and would start malfunctioning. Like. His brain would instantly stop working and it would only be filled with Usoppsmokingusoppcigaretteusoppusoppusopp- And while he's having a whole sexual crisis wondering why the hell he finds Usopp smoking so hot, Usopp has no idea what the hell is going on.

Imagine Usopp smoking just because he smokes from time to time, just not as much as Sanji because that's fucking insane for an average person like him. And suddenly he has his boyfriend stuttering and blushing and visibly shaking next to him because he's... Smoking? Usopp finds out rather quickly that for some reason that does something to Sanji.

My brain is going wild with ideas right now but... Let's say Sanji ends up sitting on top of Usopp and let's say Usopp shotguns Sanji. The cook is a whimpering mess and Usopp isn't even trying to be sexy.

[autistic-dazai]

btw if u think u can be afab transfem Block me. i don’t normally post my opinions on this blog but i am so fucking serious the amount of notes these posts abt Do whatever you want forever ❤️ are getting is making me rabid like an animal

stuff like bi lesbian and lesboy and gaygirl and all that make sense when u think abt them but transfem means amab transitioned to a woman. clearly you are just allergic to being cis or in any way connected to cisness at all but Too fucking bad bc words DO mean things this time. holy shit.

disclaimer i’m tme i’m just so fucking sick of this shit. your agab matters when you’re calling yourself transmasc or transfem. as a transmasc person i have not dealt with even a fucking fraction of what i see trans women go through on this goddamn site alone near daily. trans woman is not a different gender than woman you absolute fucking freakkssss

[tiramegtoons]

[lover-of-mine]

WIP Wednesday!

I was tagged by @try-set-me-on-fire and @daffi-990 thank you 💜

So I trapped buddie in an elevator to get them to fight, they refuse to fight, i don't know where this is going anymore but have the closest thing i actually got to them fighting since this particular version of them makes me want to bang my head against the wall but also has some of my favorite lines I've ever written so i need to keep going aoksoaskaosk. prev snippet

"Why did you break up with Marisol?" Buck asks and Eddie tries to hold back his annoyance but he fails, huffing as he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I didn't break up with her, Buck, we went on two dates," he says, rolling his eyes, but Buck keeps staring him down.  "And you didn't go on any others," he challenges and Eddie groans.  "I didn't want to go on those to begin with."  "Why?" That seems to be the question everyone wanted him to answer. Why wasn't he putting himself out there, why would he just let himself meet someone, move on. The thing he never dared to explain was that there was no point in it.  "Because it's not fair," Eddie blurts out before he can think better of it. It's not fair because the one person he actually wants to date is currently staring at him while pushing him toward other people. It's not fair because how can he date when he's thinking about someone else all the time? It's not fair to him to have to sit through pointless conversations that make him feel nothing. "Not fair?" Buck frowns, searching his face, but he can't have that, can't have him finding the truth, because he's not sure he could take the rejection even if he never dared to hope Buck felt the same way, "because of-" "No, you're one to talk," Eddie interrupts him, voice sounding sharp enough for Buck to recoil, blinking at him a few times trying to understand the outburst. "What's that supposed to mean?"  "You were going on and on about the stupid couch and how she sees you, then she literally runs from you, but you still get a couch with a girlfriend just for her to be nowhere to be found in a month."

no pressure tagging <3: @eddiebabygirldiaz @bucks118 @cowboy-buck @housewifebuck @honestlydarkprincess @wildlife4life @watchyourbuck @captain-hen @wikiangela @giddyupbuck

[dracolizardlars]

Actually so fucked up being a trans person who sincerely and genuinely doesn't want to transition. Like, not for practical reasons, I mean that if I could magically transition instantly and everyone would be 100% accepting about it I would still not want to. Isn't that fucked? I don't even have issues with "what if I'm just cis" much, I'm nonbinary as hell and HATE thinking about the fact that I'm generally perceived as female.

But all the fucking masc stuff sucks and I don't want it!!!

[blue-eli]

Ink October day twenty-nine: Wilder

To bewilder; to perplex.

Comparative form of wild: more wild.

[until-the-brahmin-come-home]

"lucy was raised in a culture that was heavily focused on reproduction and, presumably, thus also had a lot of heteronormativity and patriarchal ideals. no, we aren't going to unpack that, why would we? we did this for sex jokes."