today feels a lot like yesterday /this is where i vent/
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Sometimes I'm afraid there's something wrong with me. Everyone seems to get on just fine and I feel like I'm floating around as a ghost of who I once was. I try to belong. Only nothing feels real anymore. I feel nothing at all.
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Welp
#mom told me to kill myself lmaoooo#like ??? i will lmao#i will and then what then?#i already was thinking about it earlier. i genuinely want to die#im fine with killing myself and tbh is have an easy ass way to do it lmaoooo#im just tired of this shit#god#mine
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It's okay to cry. It doesn't mean I'm not a man. It doesn't mean I'm weak. It doesn't mean I'm not strong.
#im just so sad#im so sad#mine#i dont even know how to talk about it#i cant put my feelings in words
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If I see or hear people defending their votes for Trump with “well I didn’t really know her policies and plans for her presidency” I will burst into flames. We live in a time where almost every piece of information is in your hand, you could’ve Googled her plans, it was on her fucking website for weeks, it was 80 pages of policy and how they planned to pay for it. Like you chose to be an uneducated voter that got information from commercials and short form video.
The economy line is bullshit because his plans will make everything more expensive, tariffs are payed for by you, you think the multibillion dollar company will take on the extra cost to buy and ship goods by lowering the CEO salary, no, they will make the item more expensive because they never promised you a $200 tv, but they did promise stockholders a dividend of $10/share. His mass deportation policy will cause the economy to collapse because immigrants, legal or illegal, do the jobs that others look down on. You never see a line of white guys in overalls hoping to be hired for below minimum wage to pick fruit for hours in the sun, you don’t see young white men showing up to construction jobs that the builder has subcontracted so it’s cheaper to build. The bedrock of the U.S. economy is cheap labor and a majority of that is immigrants who are looking for jobs that don’t require knowing perfect English and have employers that look the other way when you don’t have documents because they know you will work for anything.
Don’t even get me started on healthcare, outside of women’s healthcare which will get worse, if he finally gets rid of the affordable care act, aka Obamacare, they will replace it with nothing. The man was president before and after John McCain put his thumb down they never tried to make a new policy that wasn’t throwing the whole program into the trash. Also the affordable care act is more than just low cost healthcare, it put in place pre-existing conditions, for those too young to remember, the insurance companies could deny you coverage all because you might get cancer one day because your mother had it, you would have to pay out of pocket for an inhaler because asthma was a pre-existing condition, even if you were diagnosed with it later in life. Don’t forget what the vaccine situation will be, especially if he puts RFK jr. anywhere near it, like there is actual fear that Polio will come back because guess what? Most people under the age of 40 are not vaccinated for it because it was considered eradicated due to the mass vaccination of children in the 50s and 60s. When you complain about feeling like shit after getting the flu shot or a Covid booster, that is the vaccine working in your body, your body is doing an internal workout so if and when you come in contact with those viruses you won’t be getting extremely sick or die because someone doesn’t know how to cover their cough.
I think this election was proof that you can have all the information and still know nothing because you chose to know nothing. People vote with their eyes, not their mind. Gas where I live has been under $3.00 for months, it’s been under $2.50 at the warehouse stores for weeks, but because an ad on tv said prices are rising people believed the tv over their own experience. People saw grocery prices increase and blamed the administration when in reality corporations took advantage of Covid shortages, raised prices, recorded historic profits, and didn’t start bring prices down until this summer after people realized what was happening to some extent and even then they didn��t return to pre-2020 prices because the profit still needed to be high, they looked at the $2 increase in a bag of chips over 4 years and blamed democrats and not Lays.
This is going to be a painful 4 years, for many people here and abroad, Ukraine will have to depend on Europe which is starting to lean conservative as well and the war in Gaza will take an extreme shift that will make the last year look like a paper cut in terms of humanitarian assistance and a possible end. It’s already getting on my nerves as people tweet “we keep fighting” and “we need to be strong so they can’t do all they plan to do like the first time”, it’s not going to be like the first time, the adults in the room he had with him, many who came out and supported Harris, are gone and now it will be yes men that he was told to put there by the extreme right like the supporters of project 2025 and billionaires. And for those saying “well maybe he will die in office”, you think JD Vance is better? He allegedly picked him because DT jr. suggested him and if you have ever seen jr. and his takes you would know Vance can be worse.
This is gonna hurt for many people that will now be seen as lower than second class citizens and you won’t even have lower prices to show for it as that seemed to be the reason you voted for him, enjoy your expensive goods as people lost rights.
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God the more I think about this
#the more scared i get#i barely have 200 dollars left after paying rent sometimes#im so scared#how could republicans want to get rid of the affordable care act#i am so scared#i am hopeless#i cant even move out of country if i wanted to#like how ???#with my 200 dollars?#i can move somewhere else find a new job and get a new apartment and learn a new language with my 200 dollars???#god i am panicking#i can barely afford my medical as it is#at the end of this year im pretty sure i have to pay a thousand already for how i went over on my healthcare...#like#i just dont know what to do#i am falling into a really big depression lmao#i just dont understand how people can vote for him knowing what he actually wants to do???#do you guys not have healthcare? are you not struggling?? im so scared#mine
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Hhh
#i understand how frustrated she is#and her sadness makes me feel horrible#she thinks that when shes emotional i stop caring about her but i dont know how to tell her its the opposite#i care more than anythin about her#i guess sometimes i dont show it enough when shes emotional but i guess i just have to find a better way to show her i care and love her.#if positiviry doesnt work and being rational doesnt work and neither does comfort or advice ill just figure out something that will#i just need to be on the same page as her#i understand how deeply she feels about this i just need to show her that i care and that shes not alone and i know whats going on#i just want her to feel like i truly do care for her because she thinks i dont which couldnt be further from the truth#but everytime i try to show that care it gets misunderstood or it makes her angry#i have to meet her somewhere in the middle so shes not uncomfortable but shes getting the comfort she needs and feels like shes loved#i want her to be able to be vulnerable woth me#i dont want that to go away#i know ive been trying my best and maybe my best just isnt enough#but ill keep trying until the ends of the earth just to make you happy and make you understand how much love i have for you#i just hate that shes going through this right now and ive not been able to help#ill figure this out#i just want her to be happy.#mine
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Hm.
#i feel like a disappointment#everytime i think things are finally good and i think that im doing good as a boyfiend#something happens to tell me im lying to mysepf#i cant meet her needs#she told me she wanted a break#and i really did think for some stupid reason that yesterday i was being a good boyfeiend#i jut thought i was doing something right finally#i was really trying to be mature and talk calmly to her and be a source of positivity#the fact that it didnt help her at all#and the fact that she thought it was stupid#makes me feel disgusting#it seems like every time i think things are okay im just fooling myself#i dont know hpw to make her see that i care for her#if everyrhing that i do doesnt show it i dont know how to#i make her feel distant and like im never there for her#she says i have proven that i dont care about her#i dont know how ive proven that but not the fact thst i love her and i really would do anything for her#i want to change for her#i would do everything i can to change#i just dont know why i cant do anything right with her#i just feel so hopeless#i dont know how to get her to believe im on her side#ahes going theough so much amd all i want to do is be there for her#if what i was doing yesterday didnt work ill try again harder#i just want her to know thst i do care and i do love her#ill show her hpw much she means to me and ill make sure she knows i understand her#i just have to try harder#i just hope shes okay#i wish she knew im on her side. i just feel like for whatever reason she cant fully see me as someone who wants to#do something for her and make her feel better
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God
#i cant imagine how i made her fucking feel#i dont even know what to do or how i can fix this#i dont know why i said that to her#i love her so much and yet i hurt her like this .#i dont know#i dont know what to do anymore#im angry with myself#i just wish i was different#i hope shes okay.#i know she acts like she doesnt care but i cant imagine thats true#i feel like i really let her down#i should have had more patience with her#mine
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How did she become so beautiful? She looks at me and I can feel so much emotion and love. I would stare at her forever if I could. I would listen to her talk for hours on end just to learn more about her. I yearn for her touch and I already know, without even touching her yet, her skin on mine would be the closest thing I could get to believing in a religion.
#god she is incredible.#the fact that she wanted to sleep woth me last night made my heart so happy.#im not sure why im so lame rn pfft but god shes just#she is so lovable#i dont know how the people before me couldnt see her in the same light i see her in#but im so glad for it because it gave me the chance to love you#i want to show you how you deserve to be loved and i want to comfort you any time youre not feeling okay#i want to be here for you through everything.#mine
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Its The fact that I'm still getting made fun of by high schoolers for me lmao
#damn i will never know what its like to look and feel like a man.#im really tired of that#i will always spund like a boy#i will always look like a boy#a balding fat boy#like i cant even be fucking attractive#when im 40 im going to look like a balding child#yesterday a mainteneance worker told me i look 30.#then a group of black highschoolers was laughing close to me as i was working and one of them looked at me and said 'bro how old are you'#and they all laughed#bro it feels humiliating#i feel pathetic#i genuinely dont feel like i can ever be seen by anyone as myself#i dont feel lovable#no matter how much i try i cant feel good about myself#i am so sick of feeling like this#even after getting on testosterone it really is true. its not like hormones are gonna make me like myself#its not like hormones are gonna make me a man#i work out and even if i were to stop eating id still just look like a boy#ugh i just feel pathetic for myself today#and thats even worse because im not even really allowed to talk about how i view myself as a dude !!!!!!!#i dont even know hpw to talk about it and its not like anyone would understand !!!!!!!#i feel disgusting#ugh#i just kinda want to disintegrate into my bed.#i dont want to be sober and i dont want to deal with anything#i want to go home and sleep.#mine#like its genuinely another type of level to be seen as so humanly ugly that kids still make fun of you even at a job#damn i genuinely lost aura for that
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I MISS YOU I MISS YOU IGHHHHH GRRRRRRR IMISS YOU GOD I CANT WAIT UNTIL I GET TO SEE MY GIRL
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The safest place on earth
#me core#i wanna sleep on her lap#or her chest... :]#my happy place#i want her i want her i want her
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