#everything about me she hated anyway...
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I don't know anymore
#it is hard to get out of bed.#i know i hurt her i know i didnt listen to her feelings again#but its hard to think about anybody elses feelings when youre being broken up with#i dont ever want to love again#i dont ever want to put myself through that again#im not a good person#and i surely dont deserve love#she was the closest i had ever come to wanting to get married and live a life together#i realize thats just never going to happen for us#no matter how much i love her#i just dont know what to do without her now#i dont know#its not like i meant to stop giving her attention#its not like i meant to not see her for so long#its just how life played out for us#and it fucked me over#and im angry and im allowed to be#i just needed time#and i would have given her all the time in the world#and no matter what i say it will be my fault in the end#because i didnt try hard enough#didmt love enough#didnt go see her#wasnt mature enough somehow#everything about me she hated anyway...#everything#im sure she only stuck with me because i was the only one giving her attsntion#and when i couldnt as much because of my sickness and me going through so many fucking issues#she bailed#no matter how i try to see it im just left like i always was and always will be. there is no timeline where i get what i want in the end.
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I'm so mad that post was misinformation because there is actually an EXTREMELY important conversation to have about the production schedules artists are forced into. There's no need for exaggeration, the conditions are bad.
I work for webtoon. My publication schedule is weekly. While publishing I'm required 10-15 pages a week. Fully colored.
This means I'm finishing a 150 page fully colored graphic novel every 10-15 weeks.
When my comic is not updating, I am not getting paid. Any time writing, editing, or off is out of my own pocket. I don't get healthcare. They do not provide any assistants. They expect me to promote myself; they chose to deprioritize me before I even launched and gave me an end date half a year in. I never had a chance.
And this is the industry standard! Every company has artists forced into crunch hours, overtime, and burnout. Artists are literally dying early due to it. So many of my friends can't afford to go to the doctor.
It's unsustainable and untenable, and it's also the expectation our audiences have.
If we want to have this conversation, there's plenty of conversation to be had with the realities of the situation. It's bad as is.
#and people get mad at us about 'short updates' lmfao#the companies are absolutely abusing our passion and our desperate situations#but readers genuinely offer little to no grace#if I am going to be able to leave#then the conditions for me to be able to leave need to exist#and they just Dont right now#I'm not making nearly enough to pay my bills without webtoon#I NEED the job#I dont have a car#I cant fucking afford one#I can't drive anyway#I NEED TO WORK#THIS IS MY JOB#I want to leave I'm being mistreated but I CANT!!!#anyways. whatever#I'm so fucking upset that someone just idk spread misinformation#and now the conversation is about like nooo she was under the same shit conditions as everyone else#she's just a really good writer#like okay that's awesome and I'm really glad#but WOULDNT IT BE NICE IF SHE WASNT ALSO OVERWORKED?#AND ALSO IF GOOD WRITERS WERE ABLE TO WRITE WELL WITHOUT HAVING TO BE OUTLIERS???#god it makes me so so so mad!!!!#fucking ruining a really important conversation to have!!!#we're mistreated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we just are!!!!!!!!!!1#I'm not paid enough to build the savings to take risks!#this 6 month break was EVERYTHING#I NEED to start working to pay my bills now#like it's over I ran out of time#its heartbreaking#I hate it here
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honestly, i think one of the reasons i can tolerate julian’s early seasons' behaviour towards jadzia is the way he approaches miles in an almost identical way, being annoyingly persistent, desperate for any chance to spend time alone with them, incredibly uncomfortable moments of trying to get miles to use his first name, etc. etc.
and whether I read that as julian having a similar puppy crush on miles as he does on jadzia or interpret it as a platonic desperation to make friends, either way, it at least tells me that for all julians faults (and boy are there plenty to go around—) he at least… isn’t Like That towards jadzia because she’s a woman, y’know? he’s just Like That with everyone because he’s overenthusiastic and lacking in social graces.
like, his behaviour towards jadzia is super uncomfortable and all, but the fact that he then turns around and acts the exact same way to his middle aged male coworker just… it adds something in context that shifts it from “wow julian is really creepy with women” to “wow julian is an idiot with people” for me.
i mean he is still pretty creepy with women a lot of the time and has obvious issues with toxic masculinity but at least his horrendous ‘wear them down until they say yes’ approach is apparently just the only way he seems to have of getting to know people and making friends.
#star trek#star trek ds9#julian bashir#stella talks#.also something about how sisko is like ‘well i knew dax when he was an old man’.#.and julian is just like ‘… yes? does that not make her more attractive to you? why not???’#.like other characters consistently are like ‘geez knowing dax when she was a he must be so uncomfortable for you sisko’.#.and then julian is just absolutely confused as to why that would possibly be an issue for anyone ever.#.<- we should talk about how people react to dax and gender whenever someone tries to pull the bigotry free utopia line.#.because clearly transmisogyny is alive and well in the federation even if it’s much more understated now.#.anyway i was playing an old farming/romance game on the 3ds and there’s this one guy in it.#.and i hated him when i played as a girl because he’s always talking about how pretty you are and calling you darling.#.even if you’ve like… just met him. and i was just immediately like ugh nope stay away from me.#.and then i played as a guy. and he… does the… exact same thing…#.and suddenly i… didn’t hate him anymore because oh. that’s just how he talks to people. oh my god.#.i mean that character is also definitely bisexual as well but.#.like i thought he was a misogynistic flirt but. nope. he covers for akwardness in social situations by talking that way.#.and once i had the context of it being a completely gender neutral behaviour with no ulterior motives attached. well.#.it made me recontextualise everything about the character and i realised i actually really liked him.#.and yeah realising that julian just doesn’t know how to make friends except via brute force does make me view him differently.
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cutter was born in the 20s, and he'd become "arthur keller" by the early 70s, so obviously pryce's story at the beginning of brave new world can't be taken literally - that's not even an old man, much less "older than anyone she had ever met." it's also inarguable she was an adult already working on her... ideas for the human body when cutter sought her out; "i want you to make a doll for me" and "i found people who had some very bold ideas about how to... tune up the human body [...] i funded their work, and provided them with a willing test subject" are pretty definitely referring to the same events. so, it's fairy tale language, but the question is: why? why frame it this way?
one part of it is the "fountain of youth" in connection to immortality, strength, and health. the implication isn't literally that cutter is very old and pryce is very young; it's that she represents this power, and that he wants her to bestow it upon him: "then you and i will fix the world. i will be young and you will be whole." cutter and pryce choose to look eternally 28, while referring to and conducting themselves as if they're very old: it's not just vanity, it's part of their self-mythology. simultaneously young and old, having overcome the natural order.
that mythology of "overcoming" natural limitations is especially significant for pryce: characterizing herself as a "little girl" within her own story is both self-victimizing and self-aggrandizing. pryce does not see herself as disabled so much as temporarily inconvenienced; even the usual limitations of the human body are something she hopes to transcend. "instead of being wretched or afraid, the little girl decided to be clever." she was put at a disadvantage, but overcame it all by herself because she was smarter and better than other people. by extension, anyone who can't do what she did just isn't good enough, even as she's closing doors behind her and making it harder for others like her. and at the same time: it's an underdog story that requires her to have been an underdog. she hasn't been in a very, very long time, but the power she holds over others remains justified in her self-perception by this image of a sick little girl who was hurt by the world. there's an implication of inherent worthiness, and even a sort of expected assumed innocence in characterizing it that way. the first thing people notice about pryce is her eyes, and... sure, maybe it's the technology, but if cutter can catch bullets without any visible signs, it seems likely to me that, like her age, this is at least in part an aesthetic choice. it intimidates people. she's turned this point of hurt and vulnerability into a power play, and remains attached to it.
and that's the other part of the mythologizing that's going on: presumably, pryce was not the only person who worked on all of this. cutter funded others. but the story retroactively simplifies it, in a childish fairy tale way, and paints an image of them as exceptional, uniquely capable and so uniquely deserving, people.
i think there's something interesting to consider here about pryce in contrast to hera: that pryce is a woman who self-justifies her cruelty via a mythologized girlhood, while hera is a woman who was never a girl, who was never considered innocent or even allowed the same recognition of the ways she's been a victim. pryce resents humanity and all it represents, resents her body and its limitations, feels that being human has only caused her suffering, but still clearly believes that she has more of a claim to humanity than hera does by nature of her biology and upbringing. pryce's "bootstraps" attitude re: disability and her own self-victimization are the crucial things here, but i think that is also particularly interesting if you read hera as a trans woman.
(incidentally, this is part of why i have a particular love for hera designs where she's just a regular woman, more angular, and maybe even older looking - a natural 30-something in contrast to an unnaturally maintained 28 - than pryce. they're both women who have chosen how they want to look, and it highlights something.)
#wolf 359#w359#do you get what i'm saying. i think she would hate to have this pointed out in this way and would consider it ridiculous#but that history is necessary to sell her success story.#lots of rich and powerful people do this. everybody wants to think of themself as the underdog who Overcame It All.#pryce is. a very interesting character and also a very frustrating one to discuss.#anyway. i see people taking her story very literally sometimes and it kinda drives me up the wall.#no cutter did not meet her as a literal child. in a way you're falling for their propaganda.#also considering everything else about pryce doesn't it make you kinda wonder what she means by Fixing the orphanage she grew up in
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Something that has been on my mind is what Kaz says to Nina at the end of Crooked Kingdom about Matthias's share of their money. He offers Nina that share, and then says, "I know it doesn't matter".
Kaz, who has spent this entire series insisting to the others that kruge means retribution, safety, success, comfort, and thus is the driving factor in his life, is sort of accidentally revealing how little he believes it. He knows Nina disapproves of his purported obsession with profit and is not motivated by money, and he also knows from personal experience that no matter how much he insists otherwise, having money will not fix what has happened to you. Maybe it will kind of buy you retribution or a degree of safety, but it will never bring back who you lost - it's too late for that. Kruge is a shitty consolation prize, and Kaz knows it. This is the only time he explicitly lets it on to the others - as emotionally constipated as he might act, he knows Nina's pain and knows that even suggesting that money would in any way fix it would be an insult.
#six of cringe posting? six of cringe KAZposting?#stranger things have happened#trust me those other fucks are in the brain microwave hardcore rn. kaz can get a turn in the meantime#guysss what if i am writing a six of crows outer wilds au. and what if i actually finish it someday. and you read it?? haha jk#unless.#anyway the brainrot is super strong rn and if i do actually follow thru this is gonna be like a 40k word single ch#back on topic. sometimes kaz tries to convince the reader that he believes this as well. and i hate to say it but some of yall get fooled#bro really does not give as much of a shit about kruge as ppl think. as much as he seems to gun for it to achieve these ends#he does not actually believe that it will bring him everything he wants. and it doesn't because it can't.#i like this quote bc he is kind of shocked into revealing his understanding toward nina. he knows how she feels and takes it into account#for once#kaz brekker#nina zenik#matthias helvar#six of crows#soc#tgt#soc meta
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every time a ls!kaboodle hater posts in the "justkaboodle" tag an angel looses its wings
#stop hating in main tags or ill actually make you explode#half of ts is fueled by mysogyny and i'm lowkey tired of pretending its not#like this one mf i went to their profile tell me why the only posts they have talking about any of the women lsers are hate posts#like not EVERY kab/ls!kab hater is like that or is just one of the weird haters i know some ppl who aren't fans of ls!kab who i'm chill w#its just JESUS CHRIST can you please just understand that ls!kab AND the person are real human beings with emotions for ONCE#not everyone does everything perfectly and ls!kab is a great example but nooo she's bad at pvp and she argued with zam shes EVIL!#also i once just saw straight up ableism. kab haters are weird and it's annoying af#because idc if you dislike her or the character but NONE of you are normal about her and it's pissing me tf off actually#justkaboodle#lifesteal#maintagging this idgaf#lssmp#lifesteal smp#lsblr#lifesteal season 6#kaboodle#ls!kaboodle#anyways any ls!kab defenders moot me up i need more of y'all on my feed istg...#extremely targetted btw it's really obvious who this is about sorry to vaguepost sweating emoji#vagueposting
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Reading loz/lu fics and it's just so interesting how wide the spectrum is of their personalities.
Sometimes it's got an in universe reason (different past (usually gender or species change), recent or ongoing traumatic events, a spectacularly bad first meeting), but sometimes (often) the characters are just... Weirdly angsty or peppy, there's no in between!
And I'm beginning to think less people have played more than one game than I thought XD.
Not that it's anyone's fault! One game is more than enough to be part of it all, and loz is exclusive to Nintendo consoles - and all the older stuff is frustratingly hard to get hold of. Heck, I'm still looking for wind waker, and that was really popular! And then you have to play it! They're not small games!!
But could people writing wild please ease off just a tiiiiiny bit so he can be a semi functional member of society pretty please XD? He's just as much a polite boy as any other member of the chain! He won't even run in shops! He can't attack npcs! He talks to every single person he's ever seen and remembers every single name. Yes, he's three quarters woodland creature with a hefty amount of trauma but he's also a fashionista who managed to avoid accidentally taking sides in a mayoral election and that's not easy!
#I have some actual gripes but that's just me being pedantic about something I know a lot about#loz#legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#loz link#loz botw#loz totk#the legend of zelda#totk link#lu wild#Okay but please stop making his teleportation a point of interest to the chain they ALL can warp it's not even slightly special#And the slate/pad doesn't hold any items I'm begging you that's just fanon it's never been canon or been implied to be#Travelling across hyrule (on horseback) is about a week and a half following the paths at a walk. Rito to lurelin. It's not weeks on foot t#Hyrule Castle!!#This isn't a problem but like. Let link be petty brats to civilians occasionally. It's enrichment. They all have beef with some rando.#They're all extremely polite and let people get away with more than they maybe should but like. Adults starting smth with a 16yo.#Also wild has serious beef with ganon why does everyone write him so chill. Like botw sure but totk?? Absolutely not.#'wah my home is in ruins it's all my fault' it's been like that for yonks no one's even mad and hello?? Miles on miles on untouched#Landscapes?? Millenia of ruins indistinguishable from the recent stuff?? Link literally died he could not have done any more#How anyone can play botw/totk and not be BLISTERINGLY proud of hyrule I don't know#Okay but why does everyone (particularly legend omg) always bitterly blame hylia like loz has a dozen odd deities and hylia is the ONE who#Got cursed right alongside link. It's just... Idk but it seems like such a culturally Christian thing. All the focus on one who then gets#Blamed for everything in life going wrong. Not even Christian but specifically American Catholic. I don't know.#Hylia is the one deity we can pretty safely assume is neither omnipotent or omniscient lmao#In every time she has a voice (botk/ss) she pretty clearly mucks up or gets tricked and has regrets#In ss when she was zelda she hated every second of leading link around and even then it all hinged on link being completely willing!!#And then she got kidnapped anyway!#In totk (spoilers) she loses contact with one of her statues and asks link to check it out. Another statue gets POSESSED by ol triangle hea#And again link has to figure out the problem. Like even in her divine form she is so far from all knowing and all doing.#It's a lot of conflating with the concept of fate maybe?
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romeo roleplaying as his favorite OC to beat the shit out of his other OC who he hates very much
#ganon draws#minecraft#mcsm#minecraft story mode#mcsm romeo#mcsm petra#i wanted to make them look more monstrous and reflect what my romeo design looks like lol#so here is this beast#and romeo is getting really into it but also hes projecting#hes yelling at jesse like he did fred#which is kind of why he hates jesse so much. he reminds him of the friend he killed and hes salty about feeling guilt#and he likes petra because she reminds him of himself in a way and he feels less guilty about everything#when he sees that oh well they did abandon me just like this#and he tries to get petra to feel the same as his champion#tries to get her to give up on jesse and be resentful just like him#and he has petra fight jesse to the death assuming she would actually do it just like him#ok ermmm the shit i have for this is too much to fit in tags but anyways. romeo is actually the worst
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disrespectfully i’m thinking about suguru’s dilfy dad
#a swan & vulture cultivating a dove is the vibe i’m going for in terms of suguru’s family dynamic#i think both of his parents genuinely deep down mean well but they also . well i think they see suguru as a doll in some ways#for his mother: to play and dress up! for his father: to control.#his dad though… whew#he’s mean and i’m into it unfortunately 😞#he’s a stricter version of suguru but just as beautiful… i want to do That scene justice#bc i also have to remember to make tie-ins to ‘black is the color’#thankfully i have some ideas but i just don’t want to make this specific scene cringy/cheesy/fake#i want it to feel like a real argument + want suguru to feel as if he’s a caged bird in the presence of his mother & father#and ofc his parents will have their gripes w reader OBVIOUSLY but i also want reader to feel like a rock for suguru! that’s MOST important#i do want there to be some . jealousy vibes though from suguru’s dad… does that make Sense#i think he’s jealous of his son bc he’s everything he’s not (or rather what/who he couldn’t be)#again i truly believe that suguru learned suffocation from his mother and isolation from his father and i hope that comes through the fic 😭#but in terms of jealousy… i think his dad is jealous that suguru has someone like reader and his dad has EYES he thinks she’s very pretty#i think he’s . nicer to her and that pisses off his wife AND suguru#but then he hates her again . there’s a back & forth within him#the fic isn’t about suguru’s dad i’m just obsessed w him and his hot mean dilfism#the beauty mark & glasses & black turtleneck… yeah <3#just imagine an older suguru/kenjaku and that’s his dad <333#his MOTHER… delicate beautiful stunning. overbearing & sickly sweet & condescending & suffocating#at the end of the day suguru is unfortunately his mother & father’s son BUT. something something breaking the cycle <333#does this make sense . i’m talking into the void but i need to get their vibes down bc i have to flesh them out#anyways. suguru you and your parents and your family dynamic in this fic make me insane . God Bless 🙏🏼#snippets#<- so important for me to remember 😭#personal
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with a few minutes' reflection and a second conversation with my parents I have realized that I may have overblown things and overreacted a bit and also in some ways they're correct even if I think they're also harsh about it
#we talked it out. i don't think they intended to be hurtful they're just trying to make me see how badly my pessimism#can impact others?? I think all three of us were pissed off during the first conversation#there's a lot of other stuff going on behind the scenes too that I don't want to talk about#but like. my parents aren't total jerks. when we aren't all being belligerent to each other we get along quite well#and I really do respect them quite a lot. some days we Do Not do well at Being A Good Family though#my dad did say that he's seen people apparently cringe away from me when I'm acting annoyed though#which... may honestly be true. I have a very readable face and if I'm upset people tend to notice#I just... I talked to them again and realized that I took that one thing to mean ''everyone hates you and is just pretending to be nice''#idk if I agree about what my mom says about me bringing a Vibe that brings the whole room down#I think that one may just be because she's so used to me complaining to her about everything bc I... do actually complain too much#but anyway. we resolved the argument. my initial ''my parents told me everyone dislikes me'' was uh... MY inference#and not actually the words they said#I also think I should stop complaining online so much. it's just letting the complaining spirit grow#re: my last post
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"Mia kind of sucked actually" yeah geez she only grew up in a resentful death cult, got parentified at age 12, fled the only home she's ever known to avoid being pitted against that same sibling she had to raise, graduated law school alone, overcame trauma and depression to start a successful law firm alone in her mid-20's, and spent whatever free time she had researching emotionally painful cold cases and planning to take down a corrupt CEO. even if therapists existed in the trilogy (real therapy, not Athena's bs), when would Mia have had the time? she covered an incredible amount of ground just breaking free of Kurain and adapting to the world outside the village - again, without anyone she could entirely trust to catch her if she fell. but still, she changed and grew as a person in just the 3-year span we knew her. she got much better at managing her anxious and aggressive tendencies. she was more openly supportive toward Phoenix than any adult was to her. and she was literally TRYING to open up more to Phoenix and Maya on the night she died, by introducing those two halves of her life to each other despite the risks! if Mia Fey "sucked", then how high a standard should women be held to, hmm?
#sparrow rants#ace attorney#mia fey#hate this new trend of dumping on mia for not acting exactly like a therapist would recommend 100% of the time#just because mia is a wise mentor figure doesn't mean that everything she did was meant to be interpreted as correct#ace attorney is ABOUT people trying their best in messed up circumstances#'mia hid information in 2-2' she literally taught phoenix how to crack her psyche-locks???#you know? the things that stop people from sharing the painful secrets in their heart?#mia's relationship with morgan was probably more complex than 'I hate that bitch' despite fandom loving to hate that bitch#block me if this take is too spicy#I don't really interact with the fandom anyway
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on the absolute highest of keys james mcavoy does pull off bald charles really well and i wish we got another movie with bald james mcavoy
#xmen#xmen apocalypse#xmen dark phoenix#charles xavier#professor x#snap chats#i do not acknowledge dark phoenix most of the time. it did give us paris proposal but otherwise i was just kinda Eh bout it#this is NOT a dark phoenix review though someone worded my thoughts about it better than i ever could#i should rewatch it though and double check my opinions vJAELJAEKLJ i always like typing them out anyway ..#i literally watched it two weeks ago but i forget everything ever besides marriage proposal and mystique dying#cause of course they kill my girlfriend i HATE IT HERE first you take her powers in last stand and now shes dead#anyway. is this inspired by bryan cranston being on the casting list to be professor x in mutant saga NO#but it is in spirit... ive never seen breaking bad but i do have a fave interview clip OF bryan so i have no beef with him#HOWEVER .... i wanna see james bald again .........#like i dont know what it is his head shape just works REALLY well... please believe me please udnerstand me#ok bye i think im uploading a doodle page later
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4 Minutes really is Korn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Life.
His dad clearly doesn't care about him besides him being his firstborn and thus heir, possibly because he didn't care about his mom. Great's mom doesn't give a single shit about him. Great was willing to throw him aside like it was nothing, despite Korn seemingly always being there for him AND being willing to take on everything terrible about their family so his baby brother doesn't have to. He's lost Tonkla due to his own inactions, actions, and just the circumstances of his life*. Fasai seems to be the only one on his side, but they so clearly don't see eye to eye on the realities of their lives. His own henchman went above him to report to his dad, so he really doesn't even have any power at his job either.
I'm pretty sure he's about to do some real clown shit to try to get his dad's approval. Especially with Great and his mom being shot since that only happened because Nan was able to go live and that is sorta kinda definitely his fault. If his dad already didn't like him and thought he was a disappointment, he's certainly not going to be happy that his failure with Nan got his wife and son possibly killed.
I just don't see this show ending well for Korn the most out of everyone. I feel like death will actually be the best ending Korn can have at this point, it's just gonna suck hardcore for him before it happens.
*and lowkey I'm not sure he even knows Tonkla at this point anymore. Like even if he was able to fix what's broken with their relationship, there's no chance it would be the same anymore. Tonkla's not the same college student that was trying to do better than his alcoholic dad for his brother. He's out here smoking meth, killing people, and his brother is dead. Tonkla can no longer be his getaway from everything because Tonkla is living foully himself. And I stay scared about what his reaction is going to be when he finds out Tonkla not only is fucking Win, who's a cop at that, but moved him in to the house Korn bought. Especially since everything in his life is imploding and he has control of nothing.
#4 minutes#4 minutes the series#episode 5 really had me finally caring about Korn for the first time#I still don't like him#but I no longer hate him#I feel sad for him#he's a scared cowardly selfish little man but you know#he was kinda doomed the entire time anyway#he was NEVER going to get to live out and open with Tonkla#even if his family business wasn't shady#his mom was always going to be dead whether Great's mom killed her or she did kill herself#his dad was always going to be disappointed in him because that's the curse of the firstborn heir#the most he could have hoped for is Great staying apathetic to everything like he was at the start of the show#so he could stay the brother he knew#and that's just really sad#regular clyde
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L. Lawliet is a gifted photographer who believes he has understood the light and its secrets. Light Yagami is a young, unstable and slightly crooked model. Together, they kill time.
I had a bookcover design assignment so obviously I chose @devilinthebox's literary masterpiece of a fanfic Our Bodies, Possessed by Light
#I actually hate this already but its mostly because nothing I could ever draw couldnt even begin to describe the beauty of this fic#The way this fic is EVERYTHING to me#It literally tore me to pieces split in my face made me cry then cradled me and gave me a forehead kiss then threw me into cold water#over and over again#I could talk about it for hours#I love every single character so so much#my favorite portrayal of naomi EVER#also the fact that Beyond is turkish and speaks of his turkish mother missing İstanbul so dearly#literally made me cry#I love him so much#sorry Beyond is canonically turkish now and its my whole personality#anyway maybe I'll ramble more about how much I love this fic on another post sometime later#the photos on the wall are mostly my old art#I thought about doing an A portrait but I have no idea what she looks like#anyway yea#my art#lawlight#l lawliet#light yagami#our bodies possessed by light#obpl#lawlight fic#lawlight fanart
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i think i could heal if people were more crazy about spydoc. btw
#guys u dont understanddd ☹️☹️☹️#they are so tragic#spy is like a fucking psychopath right (i can say that i have psychosis 😊)#and thirteen is too but she tries to push it away#spy reminds thirteen of everything she wants to forget#they bring up all this shit right?#but its also.#the way she treats him#its this thoschei thing but ESPECIALLY THEM#‘oh u think ur good? im going to get under ur skin until you realize how horribke u really are’#thats the plan but it doesnt work#she just goes further into their toxicity#i love theta sigma. theyre such a horrible person (meeee)#spydoc symbolizes this huge thing cause like.#they had been traveling with the fam for awhile right? usually the doctor doesnt have that many companions (which is an entire other#conversation)#everything was calm. it was GOOD#‘you think u can escape me. darling i will always come back when u hate it most’#spy wants to crawl under thetas skin until their souls are merged into one#which is why she killed her#tried.#koschei will forever try but the fact of the matter is#they WANT theta to survive#it would be no fun otherwise#and theta wants koschei to survive. ofc they do#(ie: tensimm)#u love him and u hate it. u love him and u hate yourself for it. u love him and he is always going to be the reason u die#ahauahh#anyway pls talk about spydoc. pretty pls and ty#spydoc
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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