#i don’t fucking CARE just stop pretending like trans woman doesn’t have a very specific meaning holy shitttt

[autistic-dazai]

btw if u think u can be afab transfem Block me. i don’t normally post my opinions on this blog but i am so fucking serious the amount of notes these posts abt Do whatever you want forever ❤️ are getting is making me rabid like an animal

stuff like bi lesbian and lesboy and gaygirl and all that make sense when u think abt them but transfem means amab transitioned to a woman. clearly you are just allergic to being cis or in any way connected to cisness at all but Too fucking bad bc words DO mean things this time. holy shit.

disclaimer i’m tme i’m just so fucking sick of this shit. your agab matters when you’re calling yourself transmasc or transfem. as a transmasc person i have not dealt with even a fucking fraction of what i see trans women go through on this goddamn site alone near daily. trans woman is not a different gender than woman you absolute fucking freakkssss

[candiedcolloquium]

Also doing this will only ever reinforce toxic masculinity and the idea that men aren’t “real men” if they do any feminine or girly or weak things as decided by society. The gap between cis straight men and queer people will continue to grow wider and wider the more we pretend that there isn’t overlap in these groups or just quietly allow overlap without making a big deal about it, because that freaks a lot of men out when they’ve been raised believing there are right and wrong ways of being men!!!  It will only ever force men further into toxic gender roles because of how they will be alienated, shamed, emasculated, bullied, and assaulted by other men (and many cis straight women) who view their behavior as feminine and “wrong” as soon as that behavior is pointed out and attention is drawn to it. This does nothing to encourage people to come out or realize they are queer. Maybe sometimes it has that effect, but in most cases when strangers and even people they know personally are insisting that a trait or behavior they do means they’re trans or queer, they will just stop that behavior or suppress that trait out of shame!!!  And then when people DO end up being “right” about specific people or celebrities it just confirms to them that they can “tell.” Which is a super dangerous idea that either makes non-queer people uncomfortable, or actual closeted queer people not want to come out and therefore "encourage” the behavior. It’s the same idea that transphobes use in policing who does and does not belong in women’s bathrooms, this idea that appearances and traits can be used to absolutely determine someone’s gender or sexuality. Even if you think you’re doing this in an empowering supportive way it probably doesn’t come across that way and can still do real harm!! If you see a guy wearing nail polish or using women’s deodorant, that’s fucking great! He might still identify as a cis straight man at the end of the day, but it is super important and wonderful that that person feels comfortable straying outside of the strict masculine expectations society has placed on him. Pointing it out and making a big deal of it just ends up with less men feeling comfortable doing that. And any of those people that really were closeted will spend that much longer living in fear and shame and denial. If there are people who did have these similar thoughts before realizing they were trans or queer, the best thing you can do is just share your experience. Just say that! Don’t turn to every man who had a thought similar to you before transition and say “that means you’re trans jsyk,” (even just behind their back, as any other person who does the same thing will feel like they’re being called out) that is a very extreme thing that they might have never even considered before. Instead, if any man who wears women’s deodorant just reads or hears a story from a trans woman saying before she realized she was trans she always used women’s body care products, maybe they can stop and think about that behavior and analyze it. When they’re not put on the spot and instantly feeling defensive, they have the freedom to think, “oh wow, I do that too. I also do other things this person did, maybe I should read some reddit threads on how people realized they were trans and see if I relate”? Or they analyze this similarity and go “it’s not that deep for me, I just prefer the smell of lavender over cedar wood.”  Please stop contributing to the idea that men have to be perfectly masculine and strong and like blue and wear pants and smell like metal shavings and car oil or else they’re actually just women, it hurts everyone! Men will feel like they have to double down on their gender performance and call out any guy who deviates, men will continue to view the things women do as inferior and bad, men who cannot meet these super specific requirements to be seen as masculine will struggle with their mental health or be further radicalized, etc. etc. etc. 

calling every gnc cis person you see an "egg waiting to crack" even as a joke is not cool or funny at all actually it is extremely invasive and weird and you are just reinventing gender roles but making it "progressive"

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

[werevulvi]

I hope these show up in the right order. This kinda stuff is exactly what makes me feel lost about my transness. Like I was just trying to be nice and agreed with this person's post. I had no interest in being an asshole or arguing what bio sex, or even what butch, is. I was just declaring myself as a bio female because it felt relevant to the topic and how I relate to it. It amazes me how even the pro self-ID types are against self-ID when someone identifies in a way that doesn't suit their narrative, even when it's a trans person whose identity they deny.

They blocked me and I don't want anyone going after them, I just wanna rant. And not even about this specific post or person, but more so about trying to exist as a gender critical trans person in general. I've been thinking about that for days, weeks, perhaps months or even years already, so it's really not about this specific person. I guess it was just what triggered me to finally start writing.

I guess I feel like both most other trans people and most other gender critical people, view transness as incompatible with gender critical opinions, and like that makes me feel pulled in two opposing directions. But anyone of any ideology can be dysphoric and transition because it helps them cope. I don't think that my opinions, or my choice to hang out with radfems, means that I'm self-hating, or even that I'm going against the needs of my own trans demographic. My own trans demographic is just all too good at confusing wants with needs... generally speaking. I see sex and gender the way I do because it makes sense to me personally, and I don't even argue that it's necessarily the objective truth. I don't think there is such a thing. It's just my truth, my perception of the world.

That I can't make myself see myself as a man for real, despite my dysphoria and transition, doesn't mean that I think it's wrong to transition, or that my body is damaged by it, or that transitioning is useless. Because it's not. I love my transition and everything it has given me. I'm comfortable with my transitioned body. It deserves love, especially my love. And although I still struggle with some insecurities, I feel like I love my body. It's been... incredibly good to me. It's stayed very healthy, and even keeping up a strong immune system despite my smoking, self harm, careless sexual escapades, etc. I may still have a fraught relationship with being female, but as long as I transition, I seem to be managing it fairly well. Except then I have a more fraught relationship with society instead. Can't win, but that's life, innit?

I don't think either my transness or my political opinions are my real problem or ever was. I think it's society's constant fighting about trans people's genders, lives and choices, that makes me constantly cave in on myself. Can't handle the pressure.

It feels like it's only ever getting worse. Ten years ago my biggest concern was people not ever finding me attractive because I was turning myself into some kind of a freak, which luckily I was proven to be wrong about. Five years ago my biggest concern was nonbinary people trying to normalize asking people their pronouns, which made me fear that people would never leave me alone about my gender, unless I forced myself to be hyper-masculine, which I still worry about. Three years ago my biggest concern was having been stripped of my sex-based rights and dehumanized for how I had chosen to treat my dysphoria, which I still worry about as well, and now...

...my biggest concerns are being treated as a third gender, fetishistic predator who should be shoved away into gender neutral spaces, and I fear that one day medical transition will be taken away as an option to treat dysphoria if transness is continued to be rejected as a medical condition. My heart rate is ever increasing. Can I even realistically "just go on with my life" anymore? I feel compelled to do something, but I also feel like there isn't anything I can do. No matter how many people I try to "educate" about dysphoria and why transition is incredibly important, all the while being as humble as I can, I am seriously lacking behind the much faster spread of harmful misinformation.

Thing is, I do not blame gender critical people for spreading some of that misinformation. For example of trans women as fetishistic predators, which people apply to trans men when they still fail to understand that MtF is not the only kinda trans there is, or when we dare to be just a little bit feminine while passing as male. If anything, I blame the true sources of such harmful claims, which slowly increase my anxious heart rate, over years, turning into decades, of living as openly trans. I blame opportunistic men who pretend to be trans women for gaining access to women's spaces, be it prisons, spas, shelters, sports, what have you, when they cannot possibly be dysphoric judging by how happily they swing their dicks around women as if it's no big deal and make no attempt at transitioning, but also who cares if they are dysphoric, no one should behave that way either way. I blame the trans rights activists who say lesbians have to suck dick if it's attached to a trans woman, and those who say that gay men have to be into pussy and date trans men. I blame those who say that trans women are bio female by virtue of identifying as female, and claiming that they can get periods, by virtue of... bowel cramps?! I'd also blame those who try to change female specific language on behalf of shielding trans men from our own dysphoria, in the rare cases we'd end up getting pregnant or manage to drag our asses to the gyno office for a pap smear, which... most of us really don't, regardless of if you call us women or uterus-havers, sincerely, please stop. It makes people think trans women are trying to take over the term "woman" entirely for themselves, which of course they don't.

I could go on, but I won't, as this post is not about these things. It's more so about how estranged I feel from the people who spout these things, knowing that they think they're speaking for me and my supposed needs as a tranny. But I see no point in trying to educate them, as they won't listen any more to me than they would to a radfem, and again, I think this post in my screenshots shows just how unwilling they are to listen to me.

I guess living with my transition on constant display is what's hard, and I guess I just need to vent about that, as it's always judged one way or the other; as either me having made myself into a man, or that I'm a delusional woman who mutilated herself; and it's kinda hard to find a kind and sane middle ground, that perhaps I'm just a victim of circumstances, and trying to make the most of my own life, regardless of what the fuck I am. That social shit, on top of dealing with dysphoria, makes it really difficult to not hate myself, I guess. But I have tried to live stealth and that made it if possible even worse, as it felt like I was lying, keeping a huge secret that grew in me like a spreading virus.

What I want is to just live my life, and for neither my bio sex, nor my transition, to stop me from doing that. I want to work through the worst of my autism, enough to be able to pursue a career in some low-paying labor, blue-collar job; get a car and driver's licence, find a suitable husband to have a child and cats with; I want my own garden, an art studio; I want to build muscle to become strong and even more independent (and perhaps strong enough to carry that husband, but at least to carry myself), and so on. When I picture myself in that potential future, it is with this male-like appearance I transitioned my body into, but it is also as a mother and wife.

And thinking about all of that makes me happy, it makes me smile and feel joy, meaningfulness, hope... While thinking about arguing online with some miserable fuck, who's deadset on arguing semantics and calling me a terf, when all I wanted was to show a little bit of kindness, that "hey, I agree with you, you make a good point here, and I'm not here to fight" only to be spat right back into my face... just makes me feel sad. Whatever happened to diversity of opinion? It's gone, it became labeled as bad, and left people like me with no place to be.

There is no point in arguing with such people, or even trying not to argue. There's no winning in that, there's no reward, no accomplishment. It's better to walk away.

I know I just have to get over this, this inner conflict of going against my transness with my gender critical opinions, and that I'm going against my womanhood with my transition - and be stronger than the political climate that's pulling me into pieces. But if it's peace that I want... I can just forget about it. There's no road there. But I have trouble letting go of that simple dream. The internet is constantly manipulating me into thinking I have an exciting social life, when in fact it's non-existent, and the lie is destructive. With internet vs real life, I'm living a double life. One of those lives has a future, the other one does not.

I'm glad I made this rant. It actually made me feel better, and reminded me that it's still worth it. Being trans, moving forward, focusing on what is good and what can become good in life. And it reminded me that the internet is merely an imitation of life, a substitute for human connection, and can... as with much else, be both good and bad.

[andsmile]

you probably have realized this but the way teen dramas treat latinas is so aggravating like theresa in the oc and anna in one tree hill (bi storyline included) were always treated (even veronica if we go by b*rchies reasoning) as an obstacle for the main guy to reunite with the main white girl or they just didn't exist. The treatment of veronica is worse cause she's one of the mains and idk i just cant see my favorite character be embarrassed by the guy who's supposed to be in love w/ her 😭😭

as a latina myself, i have realized it. i have spoken up about it several times whenever i get asked questions about why can’t i give b*rchie a chance or why i dislike b*rchie so much and i’ve had several people calling me out for saying what i said, that people should be able to ship whatever they ship without me saying they’re sexist or racist/xenophobe, but i still think that shipping ba in the context of riverdale and supporting the ~narrative~ their fandom supports is the ultimate fuck you for the portrait of a prominent latina character in the media. a character who was originally white and was turned into a latina only for her family to be criminalized, no other.

a lot more under the cut!

the other day me, @monica-posh (who’s black) and @archiercnnies (who’s another latina like me) had a very interesting conversation over representation and how we are always bound to be represented in the media by characters who are poorly written in an already poorly written show, “bitches”, “strong women that need no man”, or doormats who are always apologizing for stuff they sometimes never even did, or forgiving white characters for horrible stuff they have done without even getting a proper apology from the ones who wronged them. the short end of the stick gets shorter and shorter the darker the character’s skin is.

the oc and one tree hill were shows written in the early 00′s. i know this shouldn’t be an excuse, but it kinda is, considering how much the world evolved with the representation discourse since then. however, riverdale is from a very decade in a very different world and it was beautiful to see what a diverse cast they really were, until you actually watch it and realize how they write it. all pocs on riverdale at some point are turned into villains or antagonists to the three white straight mains. even veronica and her family have antagonized bh before. they are all written off without an explanation, killed, or given minor storylines that are carelessly written and forgotten.

granted, the ‘big bads’ have all been white so far... except hiram. whose main purpose is to be a mexican man who terrorizes the little perfect american town. and the mexican man’s daughter is the one who archie falls for interrupting the white boy-and-girl-next-door dream of being together. a daughter of immigrants is the problem of the little american town. i couldn’t make that shit up.

there’s the problem of the writing room, too. i googled and searched and i think even though ras is a latinx man, most of the other writers are white. and men. and it’s only getting whiter and more manly as the seasons progress. how can these writers ever stop and think wait, i am doing this and that and putting this latinx character in an embarrassing position? no, they don’t think that, they don’t think omg i am making two white kids embarrass a latinx girl, they think omg DRAMA. they can’t see it because it doesn’t affect them. we don’t have to go so far: if you ask a man reviewer what they want to happen to x couple in s5, they’ll say they want the girl to pine for the guy. if you ask a woman reviewer, they’ll say the contrary.

there’s a huge distance between the writers - white men - and me, a white latina woman. there’s an even bigger distance between the writers and the black girl. or the black trans person. etc. etc. and they don’t know how to write for us, because they don’t care. vanessa morgan had to speak out in public and jeopardize her job so she could see some alleged change happening. things are still changing. people are still trying to understand, from the top to bottom.

one thing that attracted me in riverdale and in varchie, specifically, is how archie was always choosing veronica and putting her first, despite her not being the girl-next-door. i have never seen on screen the narrative that the bas tried to conjure that she was only an obstacle, and i still don’t. i am always very upset with how veronica (and the lodges in general) is written and how they can’t even give her an original storyline that doesn’t revolve around her father, but i never thought this applied to archie and veronica and i still think it doesn’t. yes, it’s a very stupid writing choice that these writers took by making her sing a song that he’s written for her best friend in front of them? it is. but at the same time, i do not think this is what makes her an obstacle on their road or on his road to betty. i don’t think this is what the writers are trying to tell us, i really don’t, and i might be very disappointed about it in the end of it all, but the reason why they have veronica going through all this shit is because they don’t even realize how much it makes them look like they hate her. it’s just how they see them, as a latinx character: passionate! dramatic! artistic! dangerous! femme fatale! it fits her!

it’s a sad thing, really, this storyline. but i don’t think archie has ever pretended to be in love with her or was written to do so. and this belief makes me hold on to varchie in canon for sure. they will give them all the dramatic! passionate! fire! storylines and they will have them overcome their obstacles, and i much more would love watching them painting a wall then her needing the help of a white man to save her from yet another white man, but all the racist/xenophobe subtext here is something the writers (and even cami!) might not even realize, tbh.

(other things to think about: why did they have to make jughead not-poor so he could be in an established relationship with betty? why do fans want both jughead and archie to fight for/save betty but no one wants anyone fighting for/saving veronica? why couldn’t they write veggie as a compelling love story instead of whatever that was? etc etc etc.)

[janiedean]

Isn't it funny how the whole "stop caring about those evuhl men in wigs and start caring for real wombyn problems more!"-crap comes from those who don't really care for women once they disagree with them. If they really did care for women, they'd not force them to "choose" the pseudo-freedom of having to agree with them. Being freed from one oppressor but then only having one option isn't what being liberated is.

^^^^^

no but like... the thing is: never mind the whole transexclusionary bullshit, these people are a menace for any kind of woman they don’t agree with anyway and are also in themselves exclusionary in general *and* actually perpetuating more patriarchal ideas than they think because sorry but:

the fixation they have on genitals defining you for them is basically penises = anathema vaginas = empowerment, but like.... wow as if societal sexism wasn’t based on the contrary presumption, so you’re basically saying that whatever’s between your legs determines your social status, which...... is exactly what patriarchal societies do so what the hell are we even discussing here

the fact that with the whole vagina = empowerment narrative they have going on they also move ahead the whole ‘having children is a fundamental part of your womanhood™’ which is meant to a) exclude trans women b) saying surrogacy should be illegal means that basically they’re not only discussing the basic principle of bodily autonomy (ie: surrogacy can be a goddamned choice and a woman should be able to do whatever the fuck she wants with her body that included so maybe work in order to legalize/normalize it so no one is forced to) but basically says that no one who can’t have children biologically or won’t have them is Not A True Woman, which excludes any sterile cis woman and any cis woman who doesn’t have children from Being A Proper Woman, which is fucking ridiculous, but like... who the fuck only sees women as good for having children/said that a woman’s #1 role in society has to be having children? wow, patriarchal societies :))))))

(btw: last time I was at a feminist march and a terf organization ended up giving me a flyer with the above bullshit printed on I went up and left and never attended that one march again because I don’t want to share space with anyone who thinks women who say that shit care about women’s rights period so like... sorry I don’t want to share spaces with terfs ever, bye)

this whole obsession with penis = anathema brings to political lesbianism ie faking being attracted to women while pushing the narrative that being attracted to men is bad/brainwashing which means invalidating the sexualities of any single category who’s into men which wow includes people who aren’t straight women (see the amazing ‘bi women into men are dirty with male residual’ takes) *and* at the same time pushes the idea that women’s sexuality has to be what they say it is which lmao

meaning that since most of these idiots aren’t actually attracted to women but fake it they most likely don’t have sex where they’re proactive but at the same time they keep on bitching about how kink and bdsm and so on are misogynist in nature because if it’s a straight relationship either the guy is abusing you or fetishizing you depending on your role and if it’s not then it’s wanting to relieve those roles and if there are dicks involved SHAME SHAME SHAME so like... who has always been on the forefront wanting to dictate what women should or shouldn’t enjoy in bed? ah right, patriarchal societies and various religions/religious cults that preach women’s submission and say that you shouldn’t have sex outside having children/masturbation is bad™/sex is bad™/kink is bad™, so excuse me if this shit isn’t imvho feminist since policing what women want or don’t want in bed is inherently misogynist

this also shows they have a rather phallocentric idea of sex since it’s all about dicks dicks and dicks...... ah, wait, same as your regular misogynist dude who thinks that he doesn’t owe you an orgasm when you fuck but okay then :)

never mind this idea that women are inherently superior to men which automatically brushes under the rug the fact that women can be abusive to everyone either other women or men, that internalized misogyny exists and all the crap that it entails and excludes criticism of what women have to say on account of just being woman, which is ridiculus bc if another woman is sprouting bullshit maybe I should be able to point it out

also again... yesterday I disagreed with them about the trans women issue? I got hours of rape threats and death threats, which is exactly what I’d have expected out of the worst kind of redpiller incel, so where’s the difference? ah right the redpiller doesn’t pretend to care about human rights

also their crusade against FINDING OUT WHERE ARE THE INFAMOUS TRANS WOMEN actually hurts gnc cis women lmao because they go look at ‘BUT DO YOU LOOK SUPPOSEDLY MANLY OR NOT THAT MEANS YOU’RE NOT A TRUE WOMAN’ with all the peace of gnc cis women who happen to be tall/with muscles/whatever and the peace of some of us with pcos and extra testosterone who most likely would not be women enough because of having too much body hair or whatever else *shrug* like.... sorry but that also means that to them womanhood = also presenting in a very specific certain way according to beauty standards/societal attractiveness standards which automatically excludes every single woman that doesn’t perform femininity according to those standards, so again, fuck them because it means you don’t care about women, you supposedly care about a very small number of cishet abled standard attractive non-kinky most likely rich women who agree with your worldview only and if that’s feminism miss me with that bullshit 

and like... this isn’t probably 20% of the worst of terf ideology but tldr: those people are exactly as misogynist as the patriarchy they’re supposedly fighting and I don’t see why I should gaf about a group that pretends to care about all women and then actually doesn’t and as you said perpetrates the exact same rhetoric and societal bullshit that sexist/misogynist societies do. *shrug*

[homestuckcontroversyin2020]

My Opinions on The Epilogues

So I expect that this isn’t going to go over too well, whether it be because I get absolutely zero attention on this post, or for the fact that I’m literally typing up what is probably a hate post that’ll spark up some, “Oh fuck you.” comments. Either way, I don’t really care about the possible hate to be garnered or anything. I’m here to state my opinion on this, and opinions can’t kill anyone when you’re as weak at arguing as I myself am. Now, this isn’t a fucking logical article, I’m not taking time with comprehensive research and making sure I fact check every little detail because that would involve reading Homestuck for and eighth time and re-reading the Epilogues so I have the biggest refresher in the world. I’m not doing that, so take my sub-par rambles.

Preface over, let’s get into the meat.

My original thought when I heard that the Epilogues came out was initially an eye roll big enough to be like when Hulk smashed Loki in the ground. An arch of, “What the fuck, Hussie.” In other words? I didn’t want to read them. I spent the first few days in agony, complaining about how Homestuck was probably just becoming a money grab, and hearing from other people about the content that  came out.

It.. wasn’t as bad as I expected when I jumped into it. People made a bigger deal about them than I thought was even insanely possible. Let me get this out of the way. I don’t hate the Epilogues. Do I think they were poorly done? Yes. Do I think that the writing was subpar? Absolutely. Do I think that fourteen year olds in their bedroom typing away at shitty fanfiction or roleplaying smut on MxRP/MSPARP have a better grasp on the characterization of each individual character than the people who took over and wrote the Epilogues? 10000%. Still, I thought they were a clever addition to alternate timelines. I had heard from a source they were meant to be a satirical take on fanfiction, and was a mocking poke at the Homestuck community... until Beyond Canon came out.

So here we are now with an 18 year old who’s spent their time on this planet obsessing over Homestuck since before they could read cuss words without feeling embarrassed telling you about how they’re pissed off with some small things that are of no value.

I’m an Alpha Kid Stan(TM) so everything that happened to my sweet babies has made me want to blow my brains out over the walls. Let’s go down the line.

Jane, sweetheart? Who hurt you? Now, I’ll be honest, I rushed through the Epilogues in my, ‘fuck I don’t want to read this but I feel like I need to in order to satiate my burning curiosity.’ mode. Jane’s whole... situation seems really fucked up to me. The color of her text in the EPs is another thing that pissed me off beyond belief, and I’m not sure why. The consistency between comic and canon was draining on my nerves. Jane, in Homestuck, is a whiny teen, but in no way do I look at her and see racist Hitler. Also, what the fuck was up with the clown thing? Why did she have an obsession with fucking Jake? Sure, she was into him before, but wasn’t part of her character arch getting over the buck toothed bangaroo? I thought so. I also thought that Jane was, you know, just a normal girl living her best life. She sure complained, but who doesn’t?? The Jane we’re given in the Epilogues seems to lack the internal dilemmas that the dear, sweet Crocker we’ve grown fond of does. There’s barely a hit of self hate, she doesn’t blow up, and sure we could possibly count this to her being older, but, what? She didn’t seem to be pissed off about the entire existence of trolls in Homestuck. Sure, her time with them was minimal and she didn’t really get all the shit through, but she fought side by side with Kanaya, even. I just don’t see it at all.

Jake. Oh boy. This is a big one. In either case, Jake’s whole thing really bothers me. He doesn’t seem like Jake. He seems like a watered down version of himself that doesn’t even make fucking sense? He’s an aloof dork, but he’s not horrendously stupid, there’s no reason to make him an alcoholic, and why the fuck is he an attention seeking slut? Yes, yes. We could blame this all on Dirk but really, what were the authors thinking? They had complete control over what happens in this and they turn Jake into something he’s not. He had other drives and passions than living out his life as the sexy action movie woman we all need in our lives. Jake’s smart to his own degree, stubborn, and kind of a flirt! He’s not insanely oblivious, either. For instance, I recall a specific moment where he insinuates that Jane was having a wet dream about him in Homestuck. I’m not going to find the quote, but I know it’s there. Jake spent time working on the robot rabbit for John with Jade and outright refused help from some outside sources. Jake is smart! He’s got an extensive vocabulary! He’s just a nerd, and he’s more than an uwu gay boy for Mr. Triangles.

Roxy, oh no. This is where I expect to get the most heat. Roxy is a beloved character. The light of my life and the best of the kids, in my opinion. (I’m an avid Dirk Stan, but Roxy has won my heart truly and thoroughly.) I don’t like the whole trans/non-binary thing. Not because I’m transphobic or anything, because I’m absolutely not. It’s because it feels like it just doesn’t fit with her as a character?? Roxy grew up in isolation in a place without humans, you really think she’s going to have an outright conceptualized view on gender roles and norms? Basic fucking psychology would tell you otherwise. This is something that her brain would have trained her to do based on a societal view. I may not have paid a huge ass amount of attention in psychology, but gender is a thing that’s completely up in the air and taught to us. Roxy didn’t have that. You could argue and say that her house has something of the sort that’d lead her to feel that way, or perhaps she’s learned this all off the internet, but her clothes scream femme and she had to make them herself, is all I’m saying. Again, whatever, go off, make Roxy trans. It’s not a huge deal, but that isn’t the only problem I have. Roxy as a character seems to have just lost her spark. There’s little outright love and enjoyment and adoration for her friends that there is in Homestuck. She’s not your hype go get them loving girl. Again, maybe you could blame this on the fact that they’re all older, but getting older isn’t going to drastically impede your previous personality and make you an entirely different person. They essentially turned Roxy into a watered down version of Dave, but trans. It’s like they couldn’t make Dave trans so they just made a new Dave. It’s annoying to me, and that’s my biggest problem. I love Roxy. I don’t care for Epilogue Roxy. If they had done it right, if they had used specific things from Homestuck, if Homestuck itself keyed in on this or ANYTHING, fine. But Roxy was old enough to question her identity, most people do around 16, and she could have had the opportunity to start representing this already. I mean, who was stopping her? Then the baby stuff. Huh? What? Why? Doesn’t make sense, pass. Her bffsy, brother, and person that cared about her most off and yeets himself from the top of the nearest belltower and all she can think about is copulating with John??? Alright, fam.

Onto Dirk. Y’know what? I don’t have many huge problems with Dirk. I found his personality in Meat really funny, I found the death in Candy absolutely soul crushing. Dirk is a good character. I don’t think they did his personality well, but I don’t think they did any of the characters well. Maybe John. Maybe. Dirk really just sounded like a child who wasn’t getting what he wanted, and it was amusing to say the least. He sounded horrible from the way people talked about him before I read it, but I really just found his overzealous ego entertaining. I found the fact that they made him still totally desperate for Jake kind of annoying though. Dirk broke of their relationship. Dirk was the one who took a moment to realize it wasn’t healthy for either of them, and getting what you want isn’t good. Taking over the narrative and making your ex nearly jizz himself in public is hilarious and all, but also, what??

Alright. Alphas. Let’s move onto Betas.

I skipped a lot of it, not going to lie. Rather than breaking it down for each character like I did with the Alphas, I’m just going to ramble and see where the wind takes. me.

I don’t ship Davekat. I don’t see it working in a romantic aspect. I see them being bros, and it felt really forced in both sides of the story. The homoerotic tension could maybe be smelled for a mile away, but lets not forget something very important. Dave has shown interest in women. Dave was interested in Terezi, he called Roxy and Jane hot, he totally fucking jizzed his jeans for Jade. The fact that so many characters in the Epilogues were exclaiming that Dave was gay, and Dave himself leaning towards the sentiment, didn’t seem to really match up. Dave’s not just pretending to like chicks either, he’s definitely interested in them to the point of being genuinely flustered and embarrassed (I.E The Hot Mom conversation.) So, I don’t really enjoy that. I think the economy shit is cute, his alternate counterpart seemed to have a good hand for business according to the spiel that was made about him, I liked it.

Rose? Didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. The drug abuse shit really pissed me off. Rose in general really pissed me off in the Epilogues. 

John is a can of worms. His characterization was done well, but I guess I just don’t see the point in the two timeline deals. Also, why did he have sex with Terezi? Why was he so much of a baby when the rest of the people around him apparently seemed to mature? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t.

And... then there’s Jade. Poor, sweet Jade. She’s been done dirty almost as much as Jake has, if not worse. She has a dick for one. Yikes. She’s extremely sexually driven, which isn’t something I can see for canon Jade who just wants to hang out and vibe. She’s also so fucking insistent with the “uwu lets date Dave and Karkat” shit that it drives me up a fucking wall. Jade, you should know better! You dated an alternate version of Dave! You dated the OG motherfucker fresh timeline bitch who lost everyone, and sure he was depressed, but I think if I remember correctly you know about all of this???? Hmmmmm!!!! Big questions. It almost leads one to believe she’d know better than to enter into a relationship like this with Dave since it could be emotionally unfulfilling. :))))

Anyways, this entire thing is a can of fucking worms and I don’t suspect I’m going to use this account often aside from shitposting, so have this one uneducated article and if you made it through it and agree, disagree, or what have you, don’t be an ass in the replies? I get it, I’m opinionated and should probably shut my mouth, but it’s the internet and I don’t really care at this point.

[bronanlynch]

hamlet, much ado, CORIOLANUS, henry the fifth (guess which one I had to c&p)

tbh I assumed u were just really really excited abt coriolanus which like. valid and mood

HAMLET: Do you have any specific/creative ideas on staging a production of Hamlet?

oh boy do I........ ok first of all I would def borrow some of the set/lighting stuff from the production that I saw a few months ago (the one with ruth negga as hamlet) bc there was a lot of really really cool stuff w doors and silhouettes that I thought was super effective. also extremely a fan of having hamlet played by a woman or a transmasc actor bc like. ok. I don’t think trans!hamlet was necessarily what that production was going for but that’s how it came across to me, a transmasc person like. I’ve seen hamlet played by women in a way that felt like hamlet’s a woman in that version, regardless of how much or little they change the script/pronouns. the ruth negga version was like. oh. hamlet is trans and also even if that wasn’t what they were going for it’s still the only portrayal of a transmasc character that’s ever resonated with me personally. not to get into gender stuff but I very rarely feel like I recognize myself in fictional depictions of trans people but something abt this specific hamlet just. really vibed w me y’know? something about the mannerisms and the costuming and the way his depression isn’t specifically abt his gender stuff but that sure doesn’t help (all the layers of being referred to/referring to himself as unmanly, talking abt hating femininity contrasted w how much this version of hamlet clearly cared abt ophelia+gertrude, another reason for everyone to disapprove of his relationship, etc)

anyway tl;dr my ideal production would make hamlet trans, also I’ve been kinda vaguely considering what the costuming might look like if u set it further back in history like. more like the time that the sources shakespeare was working on were from bc then I could use the stuff I learned for my dissertation abt early medieval clothing for something

also I hate how every single production I’ve ever seen has done ophelia’s ~madness so I wanna do a version where she’s playing the same game hamlet is of like. pretending to ~go mad~ so that ppl won’t see her as a threat except it doesn’t work bc there’s a moment when she’s like. giving out the flowers and too much of her anger comes through at claudius. when she leaves the stage for the last time claudius gestures for one of his guards to follow her out with the implication that he’s having her killed (later, when gertrude comes back to say that she’s dead, so does that guard and claudius nods like. yeah good job u did the thing). also laertes tries to follow ophelia when she leaves but claudius stops him, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t play it like that he can’t just let her go like that

also also if hamlet doesn’t die in horatio’s arms what’s even the point, from a narrative perspective as well as a homoeroticism perspective. also in general horatio needs to be present throughout and like. important? bc too many production neglect horatio but like. he’s the one who makes ppl care abt hamlet anyway I’m gonna stop now before I go into an entire essay

wait no that reminds me of the actual academic essay I did write abt generational conflict in hamlet and why u gotta cast the parent generation as like. obviously older than hamlet’s generation in order to get that across. also bc lots of productions cast hamlet & gertrude closer in age than hamlet & ophelia which. hmmmm. don’t love that

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING: Go off about the best female character.

beatrice muchado is a strong contender but also everyone already loves her so I have less to say that hasn’t already been said, I would be tempted to say viola twelfthnight if I weren’t so firmly on team viola/cesario is trans, I love ophelia a lot but I hate the ~madness scenes, most of my favorite women in shakespeare productions I’ve seen have been women playing male roles like please I would love to talk abt the all-female julius caesar where brutus was a butch lesbian, or like. gwendoline christie as titania in midsummer except titania and oberon’s roles were swapped (which I have mixed feelings about bc the oberon/nick bottom stuff is played as a joke which like. to be fair that’s how titania/bottom is usually done and I know the joke isn’t actually just ‘haha they’re gay’ it’s abt the weird magic shit and the fact that puck and titania are messing with them but. y’know. the experience of being in an audience laughing at two dudes kissing did not make me personally feel great. however I fucking loved pretty much everything else about the production so it balances out to still being the best midsummer I’ve ever seen and also one of the best plays I’ve ever seen full stop)

also best is such a vague and subjective thing like. Idk I love a lot of them for different reasons, y’know? I do think beatrice and maybe juliet are the ones I would say are the best written, gertrude is a close third bc it really depends on how she’s played in any given production but one of my favorite parts of hamlet is in the last scene when she drinks the poison if it’s framed as her knowing exactly what’s going on and daring claudius to stop her and admit his own guilt

CORIOLANUS: Which gay pairing has the most evidence? (Conversely, which pairing do you wish had evidence?)

cesario/viola+orsino is canon send tweet. but really like. usually the cross-dressing heroine changes back into women’s clothing at the end to restore heteronormativity or whatever and I know that viola does say “hey I’m gonna go change” but never actually does and orsino still calls them cesario after that in one of his very last lines so like. I’m just sayin

 brutus and cassius’s deaths are basically the same as romeo and juliet’s, and are therefore also a pyramus and thisbe retelling, in this essay I will

HENRY V: What is the best monologue/soliloquy? in general I’m not that into king lear but edmund’s “now gods, stand up for bastards” monologue is extremely good and sexy, somewhere there’s a recording of riz ahmed doing it that’s just. chef’s kiss

as a hamlet stan my favorite hamlet soliloquy is his first one, the one that starts with “oh that this too too sullied flesh would melt,” and ends with “but break my heart for I must hold my tongue” which not to be a basic bitch but that’s one of my favorite lines in anything ever

also antony’s funeral speech for caesar gets me (almost) every goddamn time. the one singular exception to this was the shakespeare in the park production a few years ago where they were trying to do shallow modern political commentary that really didn’t work and actively undermined the themes of the play

[sulpher]

what do you call someone with a strong annoyance borderline hate of men specifically men who are incredibly (masculine) toxic but would be the shit out of anyone who tried to say a man could be assaulted, or that men should be belittled and mistreated like women?( a rant?)

I remember I got called a terf like maybe two or three months ago and it bothers me because I worry if I could be aligned in that horrible theory. I always thought the main core of terfism was that you are “ gender critical “ and you ironically just like the patriarchy don't think a woman could ever be smart enough to know the difference in literally - anything? i like trans woman too many folks...i like women - cis and trans...they're cute and awesome ...so like how could you not?  Im bringing this up because as of late ive had a very angry and almost cold voice that respond when i see violence against women because people felt entitle to people bodies and just like school shootings and trumps camps I have to numb myself too it or otherwise i would literally go on a suicidal/homicidal spree.  “ a women’s death is nothing in comparison to a man’s freedom. a woman;s discomfort is nothing in the way of a man entitlement “ I dont like that phrase. i feel like if come off to me as the epitome of femi nzai if that’s even a thing anymore since the men who hated them are most likely real nazis. Listen im 28 and stuck in a house with two men who double-crossed me and are only taking care of me because i decided to quit my job. im only in this house with someone who i thought was literally going to harm and someone who stolen moeny from me becuase as a soceity i have been mold to bend until i break and be gaslighted as “ an irrational fuhmal” not even human if i bring it up. its 2019 and im still tlaking to people who think its ok to count thier two stay at home mothers as an example of why women get paid less because they work less but tell em that the 50 women i work with at a company dont count becuase that’s my just my feelings  and smirk and bring up “ toxic feminity” like that not a sub division of toxic masculinity - Because women DID NOT tell other women to compete with other women in order to get men  Because women DID NOT teach other women that it’s ok to hit men and that men shouldn't cry  Because other women DID NOT teach other women that men couldn't be raped, should always pay the bill Not in the beginning ...that was toxic masculinity but how dare I expect men to accountability for responsibility - that’s just one of the privileges of being a male. and stop telling women when they get hurt by a man that they should of got a guy form thier family. You mean the same guy who was allowed to walk around in thier underwear while i had to fully dress in my home at 9 years of fucking age because my body attracted raped and his didn't or as i like to say it “ boys will be boys but girls should know better by knowing nothing at all” 

Listen I don't think the world would be better if men didn't exist. I don't think the world would be better if men were put under the social pressure of women . Im just dont exist in this society any more as hetero passing individual because i dont get along with it’s morals. im so fucking tired of watching women dying because “ a man has his needs...and his excuses “ and before the misandry parade comes put the cuffs again - i dont mind being a misandrist as much as i don't want to be a terf but again im not looking to get in fights with men. I honestly wish i was invisible to them since seeing me as anything as a female is so socially ingrained is impossible and understanding - im not even mad. make go back in the kitchen jokes, shit on my existence, make me play this doll for the sake of your “ cool girl because if i dont letyou hug me, if i show even a sign of resistance to your sexual banter or your anti feminist logic or your victim-shaming statements...im no longer an object of convenience...and i potentially become a another death statistics  and to the “ protect the boys” brigade aka the people who come screaming from/the corner of this hellsite like someone told your child santa doesn't exist when a woman says something like  “ you know i like getting dress up for other women I try not to think about men “ “ im not here for emotionally unavalible boys” “ I'm not here for men who don't want to fix themselves” ” I'm not worried about children and men “ ” I didn't find him interesting so i didn't give him a chance ” and then you mofos come of the fucking woodwork screaming like a motherfucking banshee  ” BOYS NEED LOVE ! IF YOU DONT WANNA FiX HIm HOW IS HE GOING TO GROW ?!” ” DONT SAY MEN ARE TRASH ! TOXIC MASCULINITY IS A RESULT OF HIM NOT BEING LOVE PROPERLY !” ” IGNORE THEM BOYS WE WONT LET THEM FORGET YOU “ * animal like screeching To you ; you dont care about men. You care about the status quo. You think if men become “ as emotional as fuhmales “ (because half of you don't see women as anything but her genitals ) that they will break down. you don't want men to make a connection between the idea that men need to sex in order to be valuable even if that means taking it and that anyone who take sex is a rapist because then men would have to be accountable for their actions. They would feel bad and you wouldn't want your favorite child to feel bad, after all if they feel bad they cant let loose and be the “ best version” of themselves- even if that version of themselves is a fucking dumpster fire. You want them to be the full end of this spectrum at the expense of your less favorite child ( women ). You might be someone who just, in general, have fed into the bullshit that woman are liars ( another concept that makes it easier for rape culture to be prevalent and strong ) and that men are calm, collective beings who are being neglected thanks to feminism and woman not focusing on them. you might think “ well logically if you only tell men they're trash they're going to be trash “ Ive been told i was a bitch , a fake, a slob( that is true. i am dirty af and i will not put on deordorant unless someone coming), pathetic and useless.  I decide one day that if i didnt like any of those things i would change it , becuase if i didnt like being those things that i needed to change them for me. I CHANGE WHEN I DIDNT LIKE MYSELF and before anyone says anything i have had depression and anxeity. i have been gaslighted and bully for years but at the end of the day my change didi not come from people cheering me up or tearing me down it came from ME being critical of myself nad my actions. And that’s why you “ what about the boys” people dont love men as much as you say you do . You're so afraid of them becoming something more than your baby boy being more than what you want, greater than what society has allow that you would rather make in a pacified monster than a human being. you guys hate men and i cannot stand any of you  to the young man who has  been discriminated against because you weren't born as a cis male  were raped by women and wasn't respected by either woman or men when you look for support  gritted your teeth and read through all my rambling you're valid. you worried about having your whole life ruined by false rape accusations or in general, you are generally afraid of adding to a woman’s concern when it comes to men. you dont like being around certain woman becuase you feel they are too touchy are they are the one who the moment you dont find them attractive and everyone includes other men invalidate you're right to not want to be touch. you fucking have to control your urge to gut punch every time you here the phrase “ men are trash “ becuase you understand the phrase isnt about you and some smart ass is like “ if its not about you why are you getting mad “. Like we all know why you're mad - but we know you're better than that.  I appreciate you questioning your friends on thier used of rape jokes and trying to implied that sexual assault doesn't exist becuase “ if the guy attracted females dont complain “ I think you're wonderful...but i want out  becuase my death is just another occurrence. being someone’s property as a child, wife or even friend means nothing now. my death is nothing different than throwing out an aluminum can. i no longer wonder if the person im talking to is capable of rape. i know longer wonder if ill makes it home safely. i know get angry about wanting to do things like move out on my own, be respected by men and not feel that my feelings are constantly being pacified like a battery operated doll who the owner is cooing to work.  I expect it. and when it doesn't happen i hold my breath and try to not think about tomorrow where ill pretty much have the bar set that low again. I expected to have my feelings band aid with “ well im sorry someone hurt you “ or “ youre apart of the problem thinking like that”. when something im uncomfortable with happens i dont go out in a rage but belitting my feelings as “ sensitive” or “ stop being a bitch “ roll off me.  Humankind is capable of amazing thing and i know change is possible...but i dont expect it anytime soon. ....I really just want out. its 2019 and women are still getting killed becuase of entitlement and the only ing most of you is complain that it happens to men too.....Im tired of pretending this society cares if i was murder right now. you only careif i fit the commodity of the day...I want out for i am so very tired 

[ourinnergalaxy-blog]

Child Abuse Chit Chat 6/1/2018

Me and my two younger sisters are together in the house tonight. Our parents semi-recently got back together nearly divorcing after our father cheated on our mom and moved out for a few months. While a lot of the things he did were very deeply hurtful towards our mom, there were some things said that were specifically against my sisters. I was out in Chicago at the time, so I wasn’t there for the whole exchange (but you best believe I would have been if I could have). So, since I’ve been back, we’ve all been talking kind of on and off about some of the crappy things our father has done to us all.

Tonight, since we were all together, we just sat and talked for a while about it. Sometimes we’d jump to other topics, but it seemed like collectively... all three of us really wanted to just... make sure this was all real. Make sure we were all on the same page with things.

It’s been... enlightening.

Specifically, today, my middle sister brought up an even I remember vividly: the time my father pretended to self harm in front of me. I remember being at the computer desk which is in a corner of our living room, and he sat in a chair in front of me so there was no escape. I was actually literally cornered. I personally do not remember what we spoke about. I remember being upset, and him being upset. Then I remember him pulling out a knife. And I remember being scared. VERY scared. I remember leaning back in my chair, but subtly so that he wouldn’t know I was trying to escape. And I remember he cut himself on his wrist just below his watch. I cried hysterically. There was so much blood. Mom came downstairs and told him to leave me alone, and I ran upstairs. That is all I remember. I don’t remember what came before or what happened after. But my sister was able to fill in the blanks. She told me that what we were talking about was the fact that I’d been suicidal at the time. And that after it happened, I rushed upstairs and told her about it because she was worried about why I was sobbing. She said I even wrote about it in a diary. She was even able to place that this had happened while I was in 11th grade or 12th grade. But, sometime after I’d been diagnosed with depression. 

Honestly, this shit is surreal. I can’t believe I didn’t remember that, but I also can’t believe she did. She and I both remember that mom told us it was fake blood. She and I both remember that she would always make excuses for him. 

She helped me remember something else too: it was scary to ask him if we could do things. Even if it was things we didn’t NEED him for, like going to play outside. I remember it now. It was a gamble. A risk. All we wanted to do was go outside and play with our friends, and we had to walk on eggshells to do it. He would yell for no reason. I remember it now. I remember lurking in the doorway of his darkened bedroom. Like the entrance to an evil lair or a final boss. Foreboding and sinister. Illuminated sometimes only by the TV or laptop screens with a harsh white light. I remember I never stepped all the way inside, unless he was watching cartoons. It was easier to talk to him if he was watching superhero cartoons or something like that. But a lot of the time, we wouldn’t go inside. We’d call in and ask. We’d bribe, saying we’d finished washing the dishes or doing our homework. We’d promise to be safe and not go too far (we never did go anywhere away from the street anyway and he knew that). But some days were not the right days. It required nothing on his part. He didn’t need to watch us or be outside with us. All we wanted was permission. And some days all we got was shouted at. Just for asking.

I can’t believe I didn’t remember that. I can’t believe I forgot about that... I know I have to write this down now so I don’t forget again. 

We also talked about how he’d humiliate us. How he still does some days. I remember making a joke too loudly and being humiliated in front of my friends or boyfriends for being loud. I remember falling silent and bitter, refusing to contribute further to the conversation. And I remember him never seeming to care. He wouldn’t call me out for being quiet. Just for being loud.

I also remember saying “I don’t know” a lot. Why didn’t I do my homework? I don’t know. Why didn’t I turn in the project? I don’t know. Why did I do this thing or that thing? I don’t know. I remember mom and father hated it. They hated that I didn’t know. And I remember them asking WHY I didn’t know and I remember not being able to EXPLAIN why.

Holy shit. 

My friends said it’d be good to talk to my sisters about this stuff, and I agreed. Like, of course it’d be good to kind of just... commiserate together or something. I didn’t realize that I’d actually learn something. Unearth these memories like this. I forgot how bad it was.

Holy shit, this is why I spent so long... being mad at myself for having depression. I had a good childhood, I’d say to myself. Nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. Why am I so sad? 

NO. Things WEREN’T fine. They were NEVER fine!!! My father hurt me mentally and emotionally for years and I forgot. I had to forget, I imagine. He would humiliate me, shame me, destroy my property, manipulate me, call me names. He tried to STOP me from going to therapy when we all found out I was suicidal! He tried to STOP me from taking anti-depressants after I started therapy. He tried to halt any sort of recovery I was striving for. Luckily, my mom vouched for me and insisted this was the best way to go. But... but mom... you needed to stop him from hurting me... you needed to stop him from abusing me and you didn’t... you didn’t stop him. You LET him do this to me AND to my sisters. You let ME pick up the pieces when my middle sister got screamed at for no good reason. You let me STAND THERE while my father SHOUTED AT ME WHILE HE WAS FUCKING NAKED LIKE THAT WAS AT ALL OKAY. YOU let me SUFFER and you’d only swoop in when YOU thought it had gone too far. Your definition of “too far” was off, mom. You let our abuser back into our home. You let him promise he’d change, but he hasn’t, mom. AND YOU KNOW IT! I KNOW YOU KNOW IT! That’s why you’ve been SO EAGER to do this little anniversary getaway. That’s why you’ve been so desperate to just get out of the house and be alone with him. You know nothing has changed. You know he’s abusive and vile. You know he’s manipulative and cruel. You know he needs to be in fucking therapy. And you let him back in. You just let him back in and I just... I wish I’d never had to come back here. The ONLY reason I’m happy to be back is that now my youngest sister doesn’t have to suffer alone anymore. I can be there for her like I used to be for my middle sister.

God I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared. No wonder Iyakuum’s been here this whole time. No wonder people are active. No wonder everything’s been feeling so weird and different. They feel they need to protect me. We’re back with our abusers. We have to protect ourselves and we have to protect our mom and we have to protect our youngest sister. Fuck... It just... it makes so much more sense now... I knew things weren’t great. I definitely knew that after digging through a lot of the stuff I could remember on my own. But with this... Now I know. 

Now I know for sure this has been happening my whole life. A big reason I was resisting the DID or OSDD self exploration was that I didn’t think I had enough trauma. Or, more accurately, I didn’t think I’d had enough trauma EARLY enough. But now I know. I know this has been here always. He hasn’t changed. He’s always been like this. I remember now. 

Another thing my middle sister said was that she remembers me never being very feminine. Which is... really validating, actually. Because when I tried to explain being non-binary to mom, she insisted that I’d always loved wearing dresses and doing girly things when I told her that I didn’t. Maybe she didn’t realize how much I hated those terrible Easter dresses. Maybe she was gaslighting me to make me think I’d been more girly than I remember. I don’t... think it was intentional. At least, I want to think she actually believed I was more of a traditional girl than I thought I was. I don’t want to think she purposefully tried to stop me from being myself. Regardless, I’m having a hard time looking at her the same. She’s a wonderful woman. A sweet angel of a person. And she allowed my abuser to hurt me and her other two children. She’s kind and forgiving, and she doesn’t know when to say enough is enough. I want to forgive her so badly. I want to say that she was just as scared as I was. But I’m too smart for that. I know she could have and should have done something for me. She could have and should have protected me. She could have and should have realized what was happening to me.

I remember my father making every problem I had about HIM. I had depression? Ohhh nooo, I’m sooo sorry! I should have known! I should have seen the signs!! YEAH. YOU SHOULD HAVE. BUT I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO COMFORT YOU NOW AND TELL YOU ITS OKAY THAT YOU DIDN’T. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. 

MY FURY IS RIGHTEOUS AND ITS MINE AND YOU CAN’T TAKE IT FROM ME!!!

I remember now. I remember how much you hurt us. Who took the brunt of it? Me? Iyakuum? Brenig? Tequo? Someone else? Who stood there when we were told not to cry or he’d “give [us] a reason to cry”? Who squared our jaw as he shouted at us for something utterly pointless? Who read Harry Potter books instead of studying for tests? Who begged for mom to come into our room when we were a teenager already so she could sing us to sleep when we couldn’t stop crying? Does [DEADNAME] even exist anymore? Hahahahahah DOES SHE? Ooo, I’m ITCHING to know the answer to that one! Is Nym a chosen name for a trans enby kid, or is Nym the name of an alter who’d been pretending for too long? Heck, maybe Nym is just the body itself. Just the vessel we travel in. That might make it easier to just use a single name when out in public so we don’t seem weird. 

AhahahahahahHAHHAAHAHAHA I’m SHAKING. I’m VIBRATING. I feel so ALIVE. I feel like I want to RIP HIM TO SHREDS. Fuck, man. FUCK. This is so fucking real. This is so fucking RAW. Like an open wound. Like a reopening a scab. I can taste metal in my mouth. AHAHAHAHAHA IT... it feels like I want to cry. No. It feels like I want to RUN. It feels like I want to HIT SOMETHING. I want to BREAK something. I want to fucking DIE. Shit. Now I have to trigger warning that too. Hang on... 

GODS do I feel so raw. My body aches. THis body ACHES. It needs to be set free. 

Iyakuum. Please. You write. You can do it on your own, right?

you can do it

Are you scared? 

Our sisters are home, so I guess that complicates things. 

But I trust you. You won’t hurt them, I know you won’t. You know you won’t. Everyone’s asleep. No one will notice. It’ll be okay. 

We’ll try again later, it’s okay. Let’s listen to your music.