#i used to be sensitive to lights due to autism but now i think it might be brain damage/epilepsy

[goldenspirits]

i wasnt anon but im curious too, please tell us about your near death experience

Alrightie!

I attempted suicide, overdose, and almost had a seizure.

I think I /did/ have a seizure. I just didn't seek medical help.

I was tripping balls, basically, whole skin felt like stactic, if you know a thing or two about seizures, that's a sign. Nothing felt real. My brain convinced was in a coma at the hospital, I thought the only way to wake up from the coma was dying, so I tried to jump from the balcony, although I was stopped.

Sometimes it felt like the 'coma world' was like sweeter and kinder than my usual life, because my parents seemed... Worried about me, more than usual, (If you know a thing or two about my parents, you know they are pretty abusive, and lowkey neglectful), but I thought was all a façade, because, in my hallucination state, my parents were fleshy, shapeshifting, lumpy monsters (I think it's because my mom didnt believe I tried to commit suicide, even though in my tripping balls state I told her I had attempted to. She just didn't believe me, thought I just had a tummy ache, and tried to gaslight me I had just dreamt I tried that. Thanks mom.) I assumed I was in a coma because I /Knew/ I had attempted, so I assumed my mom was just my brain trying to make it seem less painful, I assumed my mom lying was just my brain trying to make reality more acceptable and less horrifying. But I still assumed she had /evil/ intentions, therefore, lumpy flesh shapeshifting monster. (Possibly a metaphor for abuse.)

And while I was lying down on bed and I felt like most my organs stopped working. I was just lungs and a brain. Until I felt like I was just a tiny particle, just a tiny speck of light, roaming some galactic-dark-blue-halls and I met some entities there, cloaked figures, and they explained to me that if I wanted to die, I'd have to let myself fade away.

So I tried.

So with my eyes closed I saw this entire network of lights, like a whole city. That was my brain, those were my neurons, braincells, whatever you want to call them. They would slowly fade out outside-in, as in, they started turning off from the corners of my vision and would close in to the middle, and I'd have to let them all turn off to die. So I tried.

But every time all the lights were almost all off I'd see flashes of my Cats and someone really important to me and I'd jerk back awake, making all the lights turn back on. When you're almost dying, your survival instincts kick in. That was basically it.

After 12 hours of tripping balls and being convinced the world was trying to kill me while I was in a coma, I snapped out of it. I was like from 9pm to 9am high as a G6 and didn't sleep one bit. I felt like I had learned more about the world, though. Surprisingly.

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[aurae-rori]

Wanna ask if you have any headcannons for aventio modern au

( cause I am obsessed with modern aus)

hellyeah brother i'm here to serve the masses

hcs about ratio:

still a doctor still has 8 phds

knows about student debt and hates it with a burning passion

has a duck keychain that he puts on his keychain with all of his keys like the keys to his house

once crushed a soda can in his hands during his student years bcs he was that fucking mad about the homework questions not being stated in a clear manner (he just like me fr)

has several duck plushies in his bed and theyre all named after either greek philosophers or roman politicians

can speak latin fluently and mutters curse words and creative expressions in latin during the classes that he teaches because he is that pissed off

used to be a full time doctor, but decided to turn to teaching instead after some time

hyper-empathy due to childhood neglect (he just like me fr)

eyebags that he covers up with makeup, he still has those from his student years and cant fucking get them to leave no matter how many hours he sleeps for

enjoys occasionally a rum & coke

really likes lattes and london fogs

had a british accent once because he travelled to the uk and picked up on it, when he came back he was mortified

fucking loves ducks so much he has a camera roll dedicated to duck photos

he got to pet a duck once he was happy for the rest of the week thats how much he loves them

massive nerd & dork

undiagnosed autism with a side of gifted child trauma

really likes jazz and lofi it calms him down fast and makes him happy

wrings his hands when he's really happy

touch starved

makes really good soup

hopeless romantic

more mentally unstable than you think he is. he is actually suffering from burnout but doesnt want to let people around him down.

doing his best. sometimes on the weekends he just nestles into a cocoon of blankets and refuses to leave. texture....

cannot not wear socks he will die without them

cat magnet for some reason??? all neighbourhood cats are at his doorstep even when he and aven already have three. ig hes just cat dad now

aventurine hcs:

still has those glasses, his eyes are more sensitive to light too

really fucking likes fluffy stuff he loves the fluffy he loves the fluffy he-

big fan of sheep and peacocks

eternally terrified that ratio secretly hates him even when they start dating

bpd & adhd & probably autism (ALL BPD HAVERS FUCKING WIN WITH THIS ONE!!!!! I SEE YALL)

masks so often its insane

used to smoke and drink heavily, but has started to lay off ever since he met ratio

still an adrenaline junkie and still has his stupidly good good luck

really likes coffee too, coffee addict, has horrible eyebags, a shitty sleep schedule, and overworks himself half to death

cant fucking cook what the hell is a kitchen

very fond of stelle/caelus and sees them as his surrogate younger siblings. stelle taught him how to play video games and now he plays with them whenever his thoughts get really bitchy to him

horrible at relying on other people but is slowly unlearning that

can do a backflip (why? idk)

high pain tolerance

has a collection of sheep plushies that his friends bought for him

numby and him get along really well. he and topaz still have that sibling esque relationship.

i think he still works for the ipc in this au but its not as bad as it is in canon

starved of touch and does not really know what a healthy relationship is before ratio comes along

loves blankets he has like ten blankets on his bed at once idk why

once poured monster energy into coffee and then drank it. he suffered the consequences. even good luck can't save you from that

listens to generic pop (lie. he actually loves indie guitar)

MENTAL ILLNESS REP IN THIS MAN

accidentally big brothered some kids. help how does he deal with affection

buys stuff for stelle and caelus too. he buys them sheep plushies. they will defend said sheep plushies with their lives. they buy him racoon plushie in return. he does not cry.

his fingers shake so bad sometimes (PTSD goes hard)

motor skills can and will die on him occasionally

unhealthy coping mechanisms but hes getting better guys

he does relapse occasionally but hes putting in effort. finally got his ass to therapy thanks to ratio :)

second cat dad. he loves his cat children he will die for his cat children.

the cats like laying next to him as he eeps if ratio isnt there. they purr and help him with his nightmares.

(ily people w bpd you deserve this rep!!! enjoy :3)

them together hcs!!!!

ratio already had background information on bpd due to his psych degree beforehand but did more researching into it when he realized that aven had bpd because he wanted to support his partner as much as he could :)

ratio is big on physical touch but aven needed some time to get used to it and he was very big on it

aven really likes spoiling the absolute shit out of ratio and likes getting him gifts because sometimes he doesn't know how to word how much he appreciates ratio

aven likes to wash ratios hair for him and visa versa, non sexual intimacy always fucking wins

ratio still worries about aven and doesn't like him gambling all the time, aven makes an active effort to better himself for him even if it's really hard

at the start it was really fucking shitty between the two of them but eventually aven started to learn how to properly and safely communicate with ratio and ratio learned how to phrase his thoughts in a way that wouldn't trigger something, and although they both make mistakes they are doing their best for one another and generally have a good impact on one another's stages of healing (im not projecting im not projecting i-)

aven will hold ratio in his arms and tell him that he's good enough when the thoughts get really bad

they love cuddling, who's big spoon and small spoon switches regularly because they both like being held and holding the other

aven will stop by ratio after his classes and take him home when hes too tired

ratio shuts down sometimes and aven messes with his hair and just stays with him until he reboots

they kiss <33333333333

they cuddle so much they hold one another going to bed

ratio likes giving aven little headkisses and peppers his face with them

they are gay and in love and healthy actually

they were never toxic yaoi never will they be. they are healthy.

they get married <333

this is so much more than what you asked for probably but here you go.

[buggitino]

more headcanons about sebastian solace from the hit game pressure roblox

back on my bullshit and i promise i only talk about The Situation a little bit

☆ his third arm is more sensitive than the other two (i'm thinking that either the USHD doctors fucked something up during the operation OR it grew in wrong, nerve endings closer to the epidermis and whatnot, something like that)

☆ just hates being touched in general, he’d rather initiate that contact (need an update where he gently —> not very gently shakes expendables off (depending on whether and how much they’ve annoyed/flashbanged him) when they climb him) ☆☆ part of this is due to trauma, he cant trust anyone to touch him without hurting him ☆☆ the other part is that he’s got that fucking dawg in him (i’ll get to this in a second)

☆ unlike what his new voice lines are starting to suggest about his character (i’m not gonna talk about zerum again because i think everyone knows what's happening at this point and ive already thrown in my two cents) he does NOT hate the expendables. literally his first line upon meeting him in his shop has him calling himself your friend (as strained of a connection as it may be, he could very easily not offer items, not share documentation/info, and just take the expendables data and hoard anything he picks up to make it harder for them to get to the crystal) (like yes, it's a mutually beneficial relationship but if sebastian didn't care about or sympathize with the expendables to some extent, it wouldn't be). i really do think he just has a short fuse (i'm not going to bring up trauma again, however-) and says things he doesn't mean (e.g. “they deserved it. and frankly so do the rest of you.” (im coping with the mischaracterization of these new lines leave me alone)) as a means of protecting himself and pushing the expendables further away (both physically and emotionally)

☆ he’ll act like a brat once they’re done, but he lets younger expendables sleep in his shop (he cares about them but would never in a million years let them know that) ☆☆ if a younger one comes in with a bunch of adult expendables, he’ll treat them all the same but will secretly slip the younger one some extra batteries, gauze, something unnoticeable (he feels especially responsible for the younger male expendables cause they remind him of his little brother)

☆ sometimes he thinks he can hear his family's voices on the radio, just under all the static, calling out for him like a search party would. he used to cry over this but he almost got caught once by an expendable coming into the shop so he does his best to tune it out. it’s hard. guilt pulls at his stomach every time he hears a clip of his family, begging for him to come home, to respond, something, anything, and he ignores it.

☆ autism (cause i said so) - i'm including this one for the sole reason that he does the dinosaur thing with his third arm and generally keeps his hands clasped together in the secret dinosaur position (he just like me fr) ☆☆ hates bright lights (the only light he uses/allows in his shop is the one he emits) (its a very soft/warm hue as opposed to the bright fluorescents throughout the rest of the facility) (not to bring up the flash beacon, obviously nobody likes getting flashbanged and he's got angler eyes but sTILL)

☆ he used to hate eating fish (pre-op) and now he’s pissed cause it’s all he has available and the DNA changes made it so fish is the yummiest tastiest thing in the world (i like imagining him actively fighting the urge to eat whatever fish he’s cooked in one bite cause he refuses to acknowledge that he's changed on a level that isn't physical/appearance-based)

☆ calls grown adults “kiddo” (even the ones that are older than him) ☆☆ he gets a certain kind of joy from seeing the 40/50/60 year old expendables try to figure out just how old he is after they get called “kiddo”. it’s extra fun for him when they’ve clearly already heard the rumors and/or gotten a glimpse of his file

☆ the ring is just an accessory, a bracelet on the floor or in a locker he found and liked. assumed nobody was gonna claim it and kept it (shoutout to @/lotus.eaterr on tik tok for this one!!!!)

[autismnation]

ok so since the whiplash fandom has about 2 people active i have decided to share my andrew neiman headcanons that i have cherished in my notes app for a few months now. most of these are autism headcanons. anyway enjoy !

1. he’s autistic & was diagnosed around the age of twelve, however only he and his dad know, he hasn’t told anyone and neither has his dad

2. he also has generalised anxiety

3. he masks a lot in public but is happily unmasked in private & around his dad (his dad is super supportive and listens to andrew whenever he asks for help/tells him something about autism)

4. andrew’s resting face is really blank, like full on no thoughts behind those eyes

5. andrew’s fave colour is brown because it’s a mix of all colours and he likes how it reflects how unique everything in the world is, but he tells people his fave colour is light blue so they don’t think he’s boring

6. andrew has super bad sensitive issues and andrew wears lots of neutral coloured, baggy clothes due to this

7. andrew is bisexual, nonbinary, they/he pronouns and gets lots of gender euphoria when people call him ‘pretty’ or ‘cute’

8. he’s very sensitive to light so he’s almost always squinting & he wears sunglasses indoors when nobody can see him (but not with people bc he doesn’t want to be judged)

9. they’re quite insecure and self conscious & he is almost always policing his body language to make sure he isn’t ‘weird’ (the effects of ableist bullying)

10. he barely gets any sleep because he spends most of his time at night overthinking

11. they also feel like the world is going too fast for them so he spends time at night processing the day’s events

12. his fave way to stim is to blink a lot really fast in a short amount of time. he loves to do it in time to his fave songs too (if anyone asks him what he’s doing he just says some bs about how there’s something in his eyes)

13. their most common stim is tapping any surface (usually his hands, legs or a table) to the beat of a song. it can be a song playing or a song stuck in their head

14. he really, really hates change and it makes him get anxiety attacks whenever there’s sudden change

15. that’s why he hated school sm,, as soon as he got used to his new timetable, new teachers, new seating plans etc. it became a new year and it changed again

16. andrew rlly wants to get his ears pierced but hates the idea of some random stranger touching him (haha surprise he’s touch adverse) so instead he wears clip on piercings. but again, only at home bc he’s too insecure to wear them in public in case he gets made fun of

17. adding onto the touch adverse thing, they can’t handle being touched in more than one place at the same time & u have to ask before you touch them or it freaks him out a little.

18. he sleeps with a weighted blanket bc he loves the pressure, it helps with his anxiety

19. andrew’s a very plain and picky eater (sensory issues),, but sometimes he eats spicy food whenever he’s sensory seeking

20. he has a bunch of teddies from when he was a kid but he hides them under his bed. whenever he feels particularly sad or he can’t sleep after trying for hours, he gets his fave plushie and cuddles it

21. his fave plushie is a caterpillar with the drums (no, it’s not playing the drums, it’s just drums connected to the caterpillar LMAO)

22. andrew gets their dad to cut their hair bc again, he hates strangers touching him & he can’t cut his own hair

23. he’s almost always listening to music bc 1) it’s his special interest and 2) he’d rather have one stimuli he can control instead of a bunch of others he can’t bc yep, you guessed it!! he has sensory issues!

24. he has a rlly bad time understanding tone. for example, he can’t understand sarcasm (like, he can be sarcastic himself but he can’t understand if someone else is being sarcastic)

25. also, he used to be bullied a lot as a kid & people would pretend to be his friend (y’know those type of popular people 😒) and he would believe them, even though it was clear to everyone else they were making fun of him. and bc of that, he now assumes the worst of new people :(

26. their comfort item is their drumsticks. they brings them everywhere with them, even if he isn’t planning to play the drums, and he can calm himself down just by holding them

27. he bites his nails and the skin on the tips of his fingers (due to both stimming & an anxious habit)

28. he’s almost always has plasters covering some parts of his hand, usually his fingers, and he doodles smiley faces and stars on them

29. they barely have any friends & so they talk to themself a lot and sometimes when he feels particularly lonely he pretends he’s talking to an imaginary friend he made up or his favourite musicians

30. he’s so blunt and brutally honest all the time (technically this is canon but idc) & cannot control his tone at all

31. he usually drums late into the night until hes too exhausted to move so he falls straight asleep without overthinking

32. they have very bad impulse control and they lash out a lot (snapping at people and punching things usually) but after the whole fletcher thing, they got help for it so its a little better but he still has scarred knuckles and such

33. he hates all festivities bc its practically hell for his sensory issues but if he had to pick his favourite it would be xmas bc he likes seeing people smile when they open their gifts (he’d also love to dress up as santa and give kids gifts but he hasn’t found a costume that’s sensory safe for him yet)

34. he has to sleep with a blanket on his face e.g on his cheek or covering his mouth otherwise he literally can’t sleep

35. he has really bad emotional regulation and he has the worst case of alexthymia ever bro he doesn’t know what he’s feeling 95% of the time his go to phrase is literally “i’m ok i think how are you?” & he has no sense of identity

36. andrew literally has NO sense of self care like this dude over works himself so hard and has frequent shutdowns & meltdowns like their dad literally has to intervene its so bad their dad forced him to see someone because of it

37. speaking of, shutdowns happen more often than meltdowns for him and he goes nonverbal often

38. the only touch he likes is when people play with his hair but hes kinda picky about it he likes people running their fingers through his hair but if u try plait it or put it into a bobble or do anything to their scalp andrew immediately will recoil

[jounosparticles]

HAJDSJD omg im glad we're both brain rotting about this now LMAO okay

i thought about the surgery thing. it was mentioned that tachihara was given less than the others due to his nature as a spy, but im not sure if he can survive or not. if worst comes to worst, im sure he could get the surgery files and have a more private doctor do it. i admit that i haven't thought enough about it, i just kind of assumed tachihara would be fine or somehow find another solution

ALSO YES YES OMG DAZAI AND JOUNO BONDINF!! j feel like the parallels between their pasts would cause some tension at first though. in my mind jouno probably avoids his past like the plague, while dazai embraces it as a part of him or whatever. maybe they intimidate each other at first and then come to realise that they're not threats & actually have a bit in common.

also this doesn't relate to the whole topic but i really desperately want to see tachihara and jouno bond over blindness. like.. as someone that's been losing my vision my whole life, it can be very scary + tachihara's wound was due to a traumatic and severe injury, not just a disease. jouno and tachi seem to be fairly close, from what i barely remember of season 4 and i think this could bring them closer, mafia aside.

also, ranpo and tecchou are very autistic coded. i feel like their autism would clash personally. like in my mind ranpo has very visual stims but tecchou is sensitive to the light. i don't think it'd be a huge deal, they'd just learn to leave each other be when clashes happen.. but i can also see them growing close too.

ALSO YES TECCHOU AND KENJI MENTORSHIP/FRIENDSHIP. tecchou is definitely a big brother figure imo like i think he'd be great at taking care of people. not in huge gestures but in little ways like bringing them stuff that reminds him of them or minor acts of service. and kenji very much seems like a family oriented type of person.

IDK THERES SO MUCH TO THINK ABOIT LIKE?? im going insane this au is ruining me

- 🗡️

oh my god your brain. literally making me so happy i love talking about this!!!

good note on the surgery thing for tachihara!! i didn’t know or didn’t remember hearing that, but it clears it up. possibly there are similar doctors within the mafia as well.

one slightly brutal thought i’ve had before is if something happens to the hunting dogs doctor. they’d be easier to attack than the hunting dogs themself and if they died all of the hunting dogs would slowly have to rot to death. what a vile and awful death to face. ive thought about writing this before but it also makes me a bit sad to think about.

jouno and dazai bonding would be really nice to see. i feel that their senses of morality and justice are vastly different though to the point where becoming close would be hard for the two. with that in mind they could make an interesting combination when it comes to discussing pasts. i fully agree with what you said about jouno hiding the past whereas dazai appreciates his.

and about jouno and tachi i truly hope they do that as well. i have a feeling they’re going to use the vampiric ability to heal his eyes or use yosano but i hope instead they have jouno help him adjust to learning to live without sight. it’s always good to have representation of disabilities in media. i think jouno thinks fondly of tachihara, he addressed him in a friendly manner when they reunited in S4. i would love to see more interactions

I GET YOU with the autism part as well. i feel like they would clash a lot just due to being very different in symptom display. id love to see them talk about how confusing people can be together, i feel that would help them get each other a bit. i glad you see the tetchou autism hc as well!!!

YESSS. kenji and tetchou brothers please!! i love the found family trope. kenji is also just super sweet and probably wouldn’t mind any of the strange things tetchou does.

i love your mind. your ideas are so good!!!!!

[shiningstarr15]

‼️warning: the post I’m about to make has heavy topics pertaining to mental illness and disability. Please view at your own discretion‼️

I want to come on here to talk about something that I don’t feel gets talked about enough. And that is mainly thanks to social media that has advocated to the understanding of mental illness and disability to the point that it is immensely glorified. And while I would rather choose the lesser of the two evils than deal with the ableism and discrimination, I think it needs to be addressed on why glorifying it is also very problematic.

As you know by now, I am on the autism spectrum, and with this came a slew of other mental health conditions that I have suffered from for a long time such as anxiety and depression. One thing I would never want to do is beg for pity. I am still a functioning human being and do not wish to be treated as a charity case. However, I think it is important to showcase the darker side of being diagnosed with such a condition as Autism.

What you see, you may see awkward social interaction, you may see unusual movements of my arms and legs and even my whole body(stimming), you may see high emotional sensitivity, you may see aversion to loud sounds, and so forth. And these are things that, in of itself, are not inherently bad. Yes I am prone to accidental inappropriate social interaction, but there is ways of accommodating and advocating for it while still holding me accountable. Gentle approaches and positive reinforcement go such a long way. And the more people learn and accept that, the better quality of life you make for me and my community.

What you don’t see, is the struggles that come with it.

Being autistic comes with many many processing issues. Auditory, sensory, information, visual, cognitive, etc. And like the disorder itself, they all live on a spectrum and affect us all differently. One of these things that we struggle with due to this processing issue, and the one we usually get the most abuse from, is personal hygiene.

I took a shower tonight, which is something I struggle with due to the task of having to wash myself, having sensory issues such as too strong of smelling soap and the water temperature not being right, but also the transition from being wet to cold is something I hate. I hate drying myself and the water from my hair dripping down my back. I don’t like water on my face. The entire thing is an absolute hellscape.

But it needs to be done, so I got in. And I noticed that my hair felt heavier than usual. After shampoo and conditioner, I ran my fingers through my insanely thick and long locks. And.. it got stuck.

With conditioner, it was stuck.

That is how bad the tangles were. As a result of having not brushed it for weeks. Yes, weeks.

Over the course of the shower, I pulled out probably a dozen knots, all around this size..

I’m tender headed, brushing my hair hurts my neck and my arms. So I wear hats to cover it, it also helps as an impromptu noise buffer so it’s a win win in the moment. However, it just adds on to the ever growing tangles and become more and more prominent until I actually do something about it.

This is something in it of itself, I’ve grown used to.

But as I ran through the tangles, yanking out knot after knot, the hair piled in the drain.

When I looked down and saw the result, I couldn’t believe how much hair was caught in the absolute rats nest that had accumulated for weeks.

And I cried.

I still have plentiful hair, but I didn’t want to lose that much. I hadn’t even realized it had gotten so bad. As I got out I immediately noticed the lightness on my head and panicked, thinking I may have a bald spot (I don’t) bc so much was gone now..

I may be used to it, but I hate it still. Every time. But it happens over and over again, bc I hate brushing my hair.

This.. this is the true dark reality of living with Autism.

I love my hair, and me not liking to brush it does not mean I don’t care. It is a physically daunting task, it fucking HURTS, and it sucks bc I KNOW it’s not supposed to!

Everyday I wake up, the lights are too bright and I can hear every sound like a siren. It takes excess energy just to get out of bed, even more to change clothes, and if I am lucky, even more to brush my hair. I have 30 min to decide before I get to work what my support needs are today bc they change DAILY. Some days I have enormous amounts of anxiety, some days I have sensory overstimulation, some days I feel literally touch starved, some days I can’t find the right words to say, or barely want to say anything. I have to figure out what I need, what will get me through the day, what will allow me to survive. And even now, I am struggling to find my place in the workforce due to the lack of resources and currently on the verge of autistic burnout that I’m desperately trying to avoid.

Every time I brush my hair, there are knots. And when I brush my teeth, there is blood in the sink.

This is my reality.

I am imploring you to PLEASE consider these things when you say things about how hating autism is “internalized ableism” or glorify it to the point that it becomes a trend that everyone wants to have bc it’s “cool.” I do NOT like being autistic. It has caused me immense heartache, trauma, struggle, and being in constant survival mode. It FUCKING SUCKS.

I have accepted that I am autistic. But I do not enjoy it. It is still, in its own right, a DISABILITY. It is not something to be glorified and praised. It is not something that is “trendy” and something you WANT to have.

Wanting answers is one thing, I understand that. That’s how I got my diagnosis. But I am begging and pleading, DO NOT ASK FOR IT. If you have it, learn to accept what is and learn what you need to do in order to live your best quality of life. It is not something to be taken as a joke, it is not a “gift” and it is not a trend.

It is a disability. It is a disorder. A brain disorder. A processing disorder. And it fucking sucks.

[stalking-fictional-characters]

People often don't believe I'm autistic because I have a lot of less obvious traits and basically was able to figure out masking pretty well during highschool.

I'm always hesitant and afraid to bring up my autism even if I want to because I'm afraid I'm "not autistic enough" or "maybe I somehow 'cured' it as a teen".

I have academically done very well and am now in law school. Just hearing I'm in law school seems to be enough for people to be skeptical. But I'm so fucking autistic and law school is so fucking hard and hell and the worst decision I've ever gone along with.

I don't view most of the reading the same way as others or think of the "correct" interpretation.

I have extreme difficulty socializing or interacting with others and the atmosphere in law school has made me feel extremely ostracized and alone and like a black sheep. I'm pretty sure I've cause some significant mental decline with how fucking isolated I have been. I have barely spoken with anyone outside my family for 3 years.

My memory recall and ability to learn is actually quite poor. I have a good short term memory and very good problem solving skills so I've been able to pass tests and hence my classes. But I can never recall info when asked in class and wouldn't be able to basically anytime if people did talk to me. I don't remember any of my classmates names and it bothers me how so many seem to know mine.

On the slim chance I actually know the info asked of me I am terrible with processing info when asked suddenly (cold called) and so I stutter and give a jumbled response cus I can't think so fast.

I can't drive due to slow processing speed and anxiety (and it took so long for me to acknowledge and accept that me not driving wasn't due to me "not wanting to" or "overreacting" but that actually it is due to legit medical reasons that make it unsafe for me and others)

I have low heat tolerance/baro-sensitive sensory disorder so for most of the year I wear shorts and sleeveless shirts. Which makes me stick out at school.

I wear a bra to school cuz it's expected but it causes me discomfort (they are the correct size and I got extenders) so I don't wear them outside of school and it has definitely caused other to judge.

I have Keychains of my hyperfixation on my backpack and still own several graphic tees which makes me "childish".

My anxiety and poor fine motor control gives me a accommodation to use my laptop which makes me stick out in some classes and I've gotten stares.

(Also should state the law profession is extremely ableist and a teacher implied once I couldn't be autistic cuz I make it past the first year of school)

I dislike being near others and have found a isolated spot in the library. It throws me off when someone gets there before me and I have trouble doing work anywhere else in the library. Also this spot is the only place in the school I can feel relaxed due to no one seeing me and hence not being under pressure to follow whatever social norms or cues I feel all the time I am missing.

I have very poor auditory learning and processing of auditory information. Which means most classes I teach myself using the PowerPoint slides (if there are any) and by looking up outlines online.

I have poor sleep management/ some kind of chronic fatigue so I fall asleep in classes alot which is very difficult to hide from the teacher.

There is more things but I felt like pointing out law school based issues.

I got light sensitivity, problem processing sacrcasm/jokes sometimes, hunger cues issues, and executive disfunction and choice paralysis. But those mostly are at home.

To the average person I know how to be polite, I hold eye contact (kinda excessively but I've learned to make myself look away), I am educated and in what people assume is a very difficult field (it's not for school) that isn't accommodating, and I can carry a conversation a socially acceptable amount.

So I don't seem autistic to them.

But guys I am. I'm so fucking autistic. I haven't had friends for 6 years cuz i cant socialize, and I spend all free time reading fanfiction for a fandom I've been hyperfixated on for 7 years and 9 months

fuck it. shout out to "high functioning" neurodivergents

the ones who can mask easily, the ones who can get social cues, the ones who have managed to go most of their life not even knowing they were ND because they didn't present as the stereotypical ND person.

the ones who can pay attention in class, understand social etiquette, who understand societial expectations

the ones who don't feel neurodivergent enough bc they don't struggle in the same ways/areas a lot of NDs do, or they can't relate to other NDs' experiences because they always understood these things easily

the ones with high empathy, the ones who DO get the joke, the ones who are constantly told that they can't possibly be neurodivergent because they don't act like what you'd expect a neurodivergent person to act like.

you are neurodivergent enough. you are valid, and so are your experiences. not struggling as much as others do in some places doesn't mean you dont struggle at all. your condition and diagnosis is valid. your symptoms are valid. YOU ARE VALID. not checking all the supposed boxes doesn't mean you aren't neurodivergent. you are enough. you are valid. you are loved. you are valued. you matter. you belong in neurodivergent spaces, you deserve to use whatever resources are available to you, you are allowed to take up space in these communities. and i am so, so proud of you.

feel free to, and actually, i encourage you to reblog this with your experiences. we belong in this community as much as anyone else. please also tag this w/ any neurodivergent conditions i may have forgotten 💙

[orenjibot]

Haha. I was like mega flipping my shit over it on twit cause i’m still working stuff out in my brain but!

Turns out i might also be autistic. Like mild autism perhaps.

Like… i always thought it was just an adhd thing? But it would make sense if i have both cause there were a few things i couldnt explain about myself in very small ways with just my adhd in particular.

But it would make sense if it was autism cause it also explains why i would always analyze smth like i was picking it apart to understand it. It was never smth i just understood without words, i had to actively pick things apart to understand it? I thought i was curious but no it was because i couldnt understand how the world works so i WANTED to understand. I get incredibly frustrated when i cant understand smth at all. It makes no sense and it hurts me and angers me i dont get it. I get insanely angry! Like irrationally so!

In turn i realized how that thinking and putting things in to set categories and patterns in my head has caused me to misunderstand a lot of social situations too. Like its not too bad but i defs mistake ppl’s intentions and stuff bc the way they word things isnt clear to me (taking things literally/at face value).

I also realized this mindset has also influenced how i saw regular human things like bonds of any kind and how i expect ppl to treat me bc i thought these are normal things i took very literally. Like i only understood jokes as things ppl say to be funny and used in any other situations like directed @ me means u are making fun of me and DISRESPECTING me… when all they wanted to do was make a joke and be light hearted.

Idk if this counts as autism but i also misunderstood friendship like just vibing with each other isnt rly friendship cause to be friends u usually have to do more than that. This is largely driven by the fact i, personally, had to put in more work into friendships due to being horribly neurodivergent and not understanding how to talk to ppl too (being bullied was also a factor). A friendship to me is one where u have to understand me and not just me understanding you so anything else that isnt just that isnt rly a friendship to me so i approached every friendship like i have to understand how ppl worked in order to be friends with them. This is apparently NOT a normal thing people do. This can also be attributed to my adhd and is likely more cause it, but the fact i didn’t understand that friendship wasn’t so… give and take made me realize how much pressure i was putting on others to understand me, i just thought that was normal and like a given cause i do it, why can’t you? I took everyone not giving me that as a sign of either disrespect or disinterest and took it as “oh u want a shallow relationship with me”. Like i took friendship too seriously when i shouldnt have.

There were also gestures i took as negative and hostile, and triggering my RSD but also that it didnt adhere to what i understood what being friends was. I figured I was weird and oddly sensitive about interactions, but i did find it really really weird how it was very specific and particular gestures. I cant understand it so it is making me UNCOMFORTABLE; less like “man idgi” and more “this is making me feel so incredibly HURT and uncomfortable that i feel like crying”.. to the level of wanting to cut off ties or discarding them entirely.

It now made me reevaluate what happened between me and ann as well. Like, yeah, i DONT think what she did was nice or correct but the treatment i gave her was too drastic without explanation. I don’t feel the need to be her friend or approach her since she didnt try to approach me either (also blocked me at one point after i unblocked her so yah lol). She never said that i misunderstood her at all, i was the one always having to do that?? And i kinda didnt like that… and she was giving a lot of…. Yellow and a few red flags. Like it was hard to approach her to let Her Know she did smth wrong cause she always took it so dismissively/defensively too. If anything, i do think i should apologize to her for not realizing that a lot was because i didnt realize i was autistic, but sadly i don’t feel the need to wanna chat with her unless she does so first or the occasion comes up. I have always felt the need to apologize for her for that cause that was indeed my fault, but… Im also kinda petty and stubborn so i want her to actually apologize instead of like? Be a pussy lmao. Like I forgive her more for her response then, but i still didn’t like how she casually threw me aside for being direct. Like that was a HUGE deal for me cause my exfriend did that and acted like NOTHING happened. Like bro… i was very hurt man by you doing that even in a normal situation 😭

Anyways….

I took a few tests to rly be sure it is a mild thing and not some misreading. And they all came out mild/moderate… its like high but not definite severe. It is very close to it so im like.. well fuck.

I will go get a diagnosis at one point but realizing this made me just…. Realize so much things. Like it all just… clicked.

I feel like i should apologize to cam about that too.. just a whole bunch of things.

[thenobleclearlightbulb]

I’m self-dx, and the people who are faking it are knowingly doing so maliciously and trying to “talk sense into them” is worthless. The only ones the poster is going to affect are people like me who constantly wonder if they’re wrong due to insecurities.

I was in denial for years that I was nd. I saw anyone with autism as the kids in the special Ed program, and while I had no problem with them, I wasn’t like them. The only trouble I had in school was refusing to do my homework (which now I understand wouldn’t have been a problem if I was allowed to watch tv and work like I do now). Sure I was a little socially awkward and didn’t have friends my age, but adults and younger kids liked me so I must have been fine. I’m a little sensitive to certain lights and noises, but everyone hates stuff like that. For years, I knew I was different from everyone in a way I didn’t understand, but I swore it wasn’t autism or adhd. I loved Percy Jackson. If I thought I could have adhd, I would have claimed it in an instant.

I only started having to face the music when I was looking up symptoms because of a friend. Suddenly, autism and adhd weren’t these nebulous labels applied to people who need help in school, and it was relatable. Then I spent more years pushing it down because I wasn’t a professional and had no right to a label that people who need help use. Me, the person who’s always the most responsible in the friend group, who finished school with ease, who will own at least a condo one day, who has watched out for my parents, who’s kept my roommate on track, who honestly has a lot put together for how insane this world is doesn’t have the right to a space where people need accommodations. And then I learned that’s bs.

I rehearse mundane conversations because I need to practice proper responses. I don’t eat at other people’s houses because something will be wrong texture or flavor wise and I can’t explain that to them. I used to peel the skin off my chicken nuggets and eat the insides of my hotdogs first until my friends saw and told me it was gross (my parents didn’t say anything because they figured I’d grow out of it). I still like eating it that way better with the textures separate but I only do it in private. I prefer to communicate without words because words often don’t work for me. I didn’t understand idioms or sarcasm for a long time and only got in the habit of using them to fit in. I often offend people when I give blunt answers to questions. I only did well in school because listening to lectures was like listening to a story for me, so I’d remember every word. And there’s a lot more.

I’m never going to have a formal diagnosis. Not just because the drawbacks are worse than the benefits for me, but no professional would think I have autism. They’d say I have anxiety or depression. Both of which are true, but the reason is because I’ve grown up in a world where I have to constantly watch my actions and never act like myself. Professionals don’t see what’s inside of you, and even if you try to tell them, half of them won’t believe you. Self-dx can be wrong but professionals are also sometimes wrong. This poster is just playing into all the self doubt people who are self-dx have making them less likely to indenting that way not because they aren’t autistic but because nobody knows.

The most affirmation I’ve ever gotten that I was correct about my autism was some of the kids I work with who have autism (either formally diagnosed or their parents haven’t noticed yet and the teachers don’t want to say anything). They love me so much more than the other adults just because I treat them the way I wish someone had treated me. I listen fully to their ramblings and will ask questions (which I wish someone would have asked me follow up question while I was explaining my favorite book instead of just tuning me out). Other kids don’t want to give me a 10 min lecture on their chalk drawing or how they got funding for their imaginary toy store. If they don’t want to talk, they don’t want you within 10 meters. Having little differences that are closer to my preferences than those of the nt kids.

Saw this on Reddit. What’s your thoughts on this? I don’t think many realize how much money and time it takes to actually get a diagnosis. This goes for everyone. Not just kids. There are self diagnosed adults out there too…

[moron-hassaikai-and-more]

Headcannon time cos we’ve not done that in a while. This is gonna be a long list of Tengai headcannons (and some backstory) and I don’t want it to take up my whole dash so… here vv

He originally applied to UA when he was a teenager but didn’t get in, since he had set his whole life on that and made no other plans, he ended up becoming a monk as he didn’t know what else to do.

His parents abandoned him when he was 3, as he was the result of his mother having an affair. He was found wandering the streets by a kind lady with an arctic fox quirk who took him in. She was a single mother of one, a little girl the same age as Tengai with a similar fox quirk to her, who’s name was Maisy. Tengai and maisy consider each other to be siblings and never cut contact, even after Tengai joined the Hassaikai.

Tengai’s favourite animals are jellyfish and Opossums and his favourite colour is orange. He wants to own pet jellyfish one day.

He has autism and I have evidence backing this: His mask doubles as a muffler which could be to block out loud sounds that could potentially trigger him, and he always has his eyes closed, which could to be avoid bright lights and to avoid eye contact. He’s also apparently very dedicated to the Hassaikai and was very dedicated to his old religious ways, which makes me think he hyper focused on them and made his life revolve around them. It also shows he always follows rules which, while isn’t necessarily an autism trait, it certainly can be.

Continuing on with his hyperfixations, Animals (but mostly Opossums and Jellyfish) have been a life long interest for him, he used to have one of pro heroes but after UA rejected him, it faded (though he still got a little excited when meeting Fatgum, even if it was in combat), he’s also had a life long fixation of music, which, despite him having to hide when he became a monk, he never lost passion for, i Headcannon he can play an ocarina and an acoustic guitar. He also has a less prominent interest in origami, he set himself a goal to make 1000 cranes while at the monastery and actually got pretty far in it, making it to around 800.

He got kidnapped once. He was 10 at the time, it was incredibly traumatic for him, while not much physical harm came to him, he’s now scared to walk outside alone, especially at night, and he’s scared of dogs, as there were a few in the place he got taken to and they tried to attack him multiple times. He was rescued by pro heroes after his adoptive mother reported him missing. She hasn’t yet told him the only reason the pro heroes acted on it was because he wasn’t the only child to go missing there, he was just the only one to survive…

Chrono met Tengai before Overhaul, when Hari got lost and had to got to the monastery for help. Tengai was the one to open the door and help him out. They ended up getting side tracked and talking about animals as both were very interested in them. Tengai ended up infodumping about Jellyfish for way too long and ended up dropping some hints about his quirk during that which Chrono took note of and reported to Overhaul. Chrono and Tengai ended up keeping in touch and once Kai recruited Rappa and needed a babysitter for him, he turned to Tengai immediately. Tengai accepted as he was honestly getting kind of annoyed with the strict life he’d been living for the last 6 years.

Due to sensory issues, he can only really eat beige foods like pasta/rice, cereal, chicken and potatoes. Anything with too much sugar or spice makes him want to throw up.

He’s either super sensitive to scent or just straight up can’t smell. Stuff like fish and mayo makes him gag, but that super expensive perfume Chrono’s wearing? Not even noticed it, even if he saw him put it on.

Because this is an AU where Eri actually gets treated well, there’s been some standoffs between her and Tengai over who gets the last apple when no one will be going shopping for a couple days.

That’s all I have that isn’t completely turning into a separate AU I have about him but yeah. I really like Tengai and I want to hug him.

[parentsnevertoldus]

PMDD AND AUTISM: SENSORY OVERLOAD BY LAURA MULLEN

From SeeHerThrive

October 01, 2018

I’m Laura, a 34 year old, neurodiverse mother of two beautiful neurodiverse girls and wife to a wonderful neurodiverse man. I have struggled with PMDD, Post-partum Depression and Psychosis, and Menstrual Psychosis in my life. I’m passionate about learning and advocating for others who are suffering menstrual related disorders and advocating for the autistic/neurodiverse population. I talk openly about my own experiences through out my life, including my suicide attempts due to my menstrual related disorders.

I have two passions in life, which both relate to myself and my kids: autism and menstrual mood disorders.

I’ve been part of the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder scene longer than I have been part of the autism scene, but both felt like home immediately. We talk about finding our tribes, our homes, with people who immediately understand us without questioning what we are going through, without invalidating our thoughts and feelings. Imagine my surprise when upon finding my autism crowd that many struggled with PMDD or other menstrual/hormone related disorders too. See, in the neurotypical world, PMDD is little known and talked about. However, in my autism support group, it’s not uncommon to see it in discussions.

I’m not formally diagnosed autistic. I self-identify and after a few years of research (which started because of my daughter’s diagnosis) quickly became a special interest of my own when I started to relate so much myself.

Women and AFAB individuals often experience autism differently than male/AMAB counterparts. We are often discounted or ignored because we are more social, and we tend to mask our struggles.

Women as a whole are expected to mask their struggles in life, neurodiverse or not.

Classic theories of emotion posit that awareness of one's internal bodily states (interoception) is a key component of emotional experience (Jamil Zaki, 2012).There is talk in some autistic groups I participate in of PMDD or hormonal mood disorders being more prevalent in those that are autistic. This leads me to believe that this sensitivity to hormone fluctuation may be part of the interoceptive sense. When a person has a sensory disorder, we think most commonly of touch, auditory, taste, sight, and smells. Sometimes vestibular and proprioceptive sense is included.

What is rarely discussed in sensory disorders is interoception sensory issues/processing and just how it can affect a person and what it can actually mean for mental/emotional health when its processing is disordered. Yes, for a sensory avoidant person such as myself who shies away from bright light because it hurts or loud noisy areas because those too are painful and overwhelming, my interoception sense is also avoidant and extra sensitive to overwhelm.

But what is interoceptive sense and why in the world would there be a connection to PMDD?

For a long, medical definition of interoception you can read more here. For a simpler definition I am borrowing a passage from www.inspiredtreehouse.com:

Interoception refers to our perception of what is going on inside our bodies and is responsible for feelings of hunger, thirst, sickness, pain, having to go to the bathroom, tiredness, temperature, itch, and other internal sensations. What’s even more interesting about interoception is that it goes deeper than physical sensations because – as with all of our sensory systems – when our brains receive these internal signals, we interpret, attend to, and analyze them. So interoception is also associated with our sense of well-being, mood, and emotional regulation. (Heffron, 2017)

We know that the interoception sense is often part of a sensory processing disorder. We also know that under stress or overwhelm that our interoception is affected, often greatly. Think of our heart rate increasing during a panic attack or irritable bowel issues due to anxiety. And these also affect our emotions, maybe our heart rate is faster than normal, so we become anxious, creating a more rapid heart rate.

”Influential theories suggest emotional feeling states arise from physiological changes from within the body.” (Hugo D Critchley, 2017). Now, we know that PMDD has a physiological response system. The rise and fall of hormones within the body triggers a physical response from several systems in our body, not just ovaries and uterus, but deep within our gut, adrenergic systems, our cardiovascular system, and our brain.

Compare the response of a sudden surge of progesterone in the late luteal phase to that of an individual with sensory processing disorder being overwhelmed by a sudden shove into a noisy gymnasium, with bright lights, many bodies, smells and a cacophony of sounds. Said individual would likely go into either shutdown or meltdown mode, as they were unprepared for such an assault on their system and may even have difficulty regulating their emotions; in fact their temper may become frayed quickly, they may find themselves having a panic attacks, anxiety may overwhelm them, their body may start producing pain signals to the overloaded senses, they may even collapse under the weight of it all.

A person without the sensory issue may find this environment exhilarating. I would certainly be huddled in a corner until I felt that I could safely slip away unnoticed. Or, I would start to snap at those around me because of a desperate need to get away.

During the monthly cycle, my sensory system would be overwhelmed by the rise and fall of hormones and I felt completely out of control, emotionally.

Because I was out of control. My sensory processing could not keep up with both the physical and emotional toll of what my body was going through. I see so many sad stories of young girls starting menses and the emotional outbursts and meltdowns make absolute sense if you think of hormones as overwhelming a sensory system that just cannot handle it. Any homeostasis change in our environment is difficult to cope with, especially drastic hormone fluctuations during the menstrual cycle.

It’s not that there is anything abnormal about the menstrual cycle itself, but rather how our body processes the sensations and systems that cause a rise and fall outside of the comfort zone.

I believe that this can explain why women are affected by PMDD and how it all works. We found out in the last couple of years that there is a genetic link to PMDD. We also know that it is a sensitivity to hormone fluctuations, not the hormones themselves. Putting two and two together is what led me to this thought process, that it is part of the sensory systems and a processing disorder that causes a severe response, or meltdown, to our hormonal cycle. Obviously, not every woman who experiences PMDD or PME or other menstrual related disorders is autistic or has a sensory processing disorder; however, many are highly sensitive, both physically and emotionally.

Sources

Heffron, C. (2017, February 27). What is Interoception. Retrieved from The Inspired Treehouse: https://theinspiredtreehouse.com/what-is-interoception/

Hugo D Critchley, S. N. (2017, October). Interoception and emotion. Retrieved from Science Direct: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X17300106

Jamil Zaki, J. I. (2012, 05 12). Overlapping activity in anterior insula during interoception and emotional experience. Retrieved from Science Direct: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1053811912005009

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[b-blushes]

OKAY when i was taking a migraine 'nap' the other day i think i figured out the mystery which is probably that i'm expressing myself autism style (due to being autistic) and they are probably literally just.

unable to read my feelings about the subject due to the tone i use when i talk (typically default to 'light' regardless of topic for various reasons) -> trying to respond appropriately to my feelings -> i'm giving them nothing to work with -> they just gotta straight up ask what i'm feeling about it to avoid making a social faux pas of either responding to me being really sad about the fact with something really dismissive OR to be Way Serious about something i feel chill about etc.

i knew all along that they weren't trying to be mean and the whole time have kept my feelings about it to myself due to knowing there was *something* going on communication wise (whether that was them being insensitive or me being too sensitive or just crossed wires or a plethora of other social things that are A Bit Challenging to someone with a communication disability) but i feel a lot more able to deal with it now. still makes me sad bc it's a sad subject but i know that them *asking* if i'm sad is not to, like, amplify it (and i never thought it was, cannot stress enough that i never thought anyone was trying to upset me, i was just baffled that this happened multiple times and i was upset every time), it's because i'm not doing a good job of 'showing people how i truly feel' for some deliberate and some accidental reasons 👍

let me be a hater for a second. I am already bracing myself for seeing people later in the week who like to do things such as discuss the benefits of exercise with me (guy who adored going to the gym, started training to be a ski instructor, did many outdoor sports aka i know that) and directly ask me if i miss all the hobbies that i used to do but have had to quit because of becoming increasingly disabled by an increasing number of chronic conditions. like. YEAH BUD I SURE DO 👍

i know the intent is not 'mean to me' but like. yes i AM actively trying at most moments to find things to keep back the choking grief of increasing disability, barely being able to leave the house, and a growing feeling of alienation from everyone who can do things like do a weekly shop at the supermarket or go for a walk whenever they feel like it or just even get in the car at any moment and be able to drive anywhere they like. thank you for asking merry christmas i will spare us all the discomfort of bursting into tears at the baffling inquisition on this topic and will continue to deflect with a smile on my face instead of somewhat desperately going 'why are you asking me this' and 'what would you like me to say'.

i don't want to be mean so i never confront it but truly what is the goal of these questions. If it just "your life is so alien to me i want to know how you feel" then there must be more compassionate ways of doing that than Heavy Duty Questions about what you could reasonably guess as a topic that may be Quite Upsetting at a regular gathering. If it is "it's scary that you're disabled, you didn't used to be", then yeah, it IS scary that anyone at any time can become disabled, perhaps express that sentiment directly, which would make it clear that it's a non-blaming statement and would be something that i can empathise with! If it's "i think you are doing a bad job and are disabled because you're not trying hard enough" then buh bye. It's the 'niceness' that's kind of heartbreaking because what can i do in the moment but politely deflect because i don't understand what you're *really* saying and excuse myself to go home again as soon as i can.

[narratornavigatorstoryteller]

hi this is a mello-centric account but here's my matt analysis

general 

smoking

often, people who smoke do so as the result of pressure or as a coping mechanism. he's clearly smart enough to recognize what is and isn't a good idea, so i don't believe he'd start smoking just because someone else said he should. instead, i'd say he smokes as a coping mechanism. i'm not sure what exactly he'd be coping with, however, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume stress, anxiety, and the environment in which he was raised are all contributing factors.

interest in technology

i take this to be one of a Few things that could point to him possibly having adhd or autism, likely with technology as a hyperfixation. will expand on this farther down.

was smart enough to be in 3rd place

i feel as though he could've ranked higher in the wammy's system, not because he "didn't apply himself," but more because he didn't Care. as someone with interests (and potentially, an ideal career) outside of becoming L's successor, i wouldn't be surprised if matt were on level with or even above mello. maybe it's respect or simple lack of wanting that keeps him in third.

comparable to a dog

for matt, this would be a different meaning than mello. where mello's dog comparison takes on a sharper, more assertive tone, i personally see matt as being much more responsive and analytical. where mello has a set plan in place that can be adjusted accordingly, matt has a much looser set of major goals and prefers to analyze the situation as it progresses.

i also feel like he is a leader, however he lacks the motivation to apply it. instead, going back to the dog comparison, he'll take what he's given within reason. if mello says to answer when he calls, then matt will. if wammy's house says to get ranked as high as possible, he will. at the same time, if he feels something is unnecessary, he won't even consider it. why aim for top two if third is good enough? why genuinely try to become L's successor if he just doesn't want to?

long story short, matt's what i'd like to call a selective follower; he has the qualifications to be a strong and good leader, but is very picky about where and why he applies them. as a selective follower, he'll do what he's told, but only when he actually believes in whoever is trying to instruct him. he is loyal, but might not be above playing traitor if he saw good reason to.

i doubt he was very well liked at wammy's, and was often misread by other students

as number 3, matt prevents number 4, 5, 6, etc. from even having a chance at the top. additionally, he likely presents himself as an awkward loner (with his social skills being 3/10) with a nic addiction and a love of video games. this presentation alongside his obviously high intelligence might cause people to resent and misunderstand him, seeing matt as nothing more than another obstacle between them and a higher position. social awkwardness is now read as conceitedness ("he thinks he's too good for us") and the video games and lack of rank progression are read as refusal to apply himself (which, while true, would now be read more negatively due to the situation)

goggles

i personally like to think he wears them because of light sensitivity, but at the same time i want to see them as a symbol of his constant personality masking. i can't see him as anything other than deeply thoughtful and extremely loyal. in times of stress, he projects confidence and pride, possibly to mask a fear of failure and being seen as weak. i also see a potential fear of vulnerability in him, though whether this is with himself, with others, or just in general is debatable (by obscuring his eyes, it makes it harder for them to be read, building up a wall between him and whoever he's with).

neurodivergence

i have no doubt that he is either autistic or has adhd. To start: boredom. it’s a recurring theme in death note for characters to experience boredom and have strange means of dealing with it (e.g., ryuk, light [debatable], and L). for mail, i’d say that this points even more in the direction of him being neurodivergent coded, as boredom is also a symptom found in various neurodivergencies. next; video games and electronics. hyperfixations are used as a way to relieve stress, or as something that a person simply enjoys and thinks about in ways that go far beyond their control. in chapter 85, while “watching mogi and misa” for mello, matt is shown actually playing video games instead, and states that he found his original task boring. some neurodivergent people may find it hard to complete certain tasks, especially if they don’t find them interesting, and it makes sense that he would turn to his hyperfixation instead. for now i’ll end on his social skills. in the offical stats, matt’s social skills are rated at a 3/10, which, if i’m not mistaken, is second lowest for the human death note characters at least, with near and L tying for absolute lowest at 1/10. while not everyone experiences this, its a common symptom to have “trouble” socialising, or to not be very good at reading social cues. due to his high observation skills, i’d say that a lot of what builds up his social interactions is mirroring; things he picked up from watching others, especially those at wammy’s house. i know i said i’d end with that, but some smaller points that i won’t talk too much on are his goggles (possible light sensitivity/sensory issues, also potentially a comfort item), his gloves (could be a sensory thing, or even a strong aversion to germs, though the latter is less likely due to the next point), and his environment (from what we’re shown, his workspace is very cluttered and disorganized)

relationships

mello

mello’s the only one we ever see any interaction with. They’re officially described as “friends," and stayed together for a bit before takada's kidnapping. they seem to hold mutual respect and trust for each other, with matt being willing to assist in mello's plans and mello calling matt to work with him after the explosion. when matt slipped up while spying on misa, mello was shown to be a bit annoyed, however he didn’t mention it and simply carried on with things the best he could. their relationship overall seems to be a very good one, even after all their years apart.

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

Hang on I’m sorry I’m not gonna be able to rest until I get this off my chest

Just saw a post from a fairly well-known anti-retail-customer (and coworker and manager) blog where the anon said essentially “hey coworker I get the need to fidget but I have autism and it’s a sensory bad and I need you to not and actually you’re being very rude”

So let’s talk. Again. About conflicting accommodations.

Every disability is different. They are different. And they require different things. The example I use most often because I have the most experience with it is conflicting accommodations regarding fire alarms in public spaces. These fire alarms are designed so that Deaf people will be able to notice them, and are equipped with flashing lights and loud, buzzing sounds so that even if one can’t hear, they can feel the vibration in their ear. For me as an autistic person with primarily sound sensitivity, the sheer volume, coupled with that vibration and the flashing lights, causes an immediate sensory overload so severe that I shut down completely and have to be led out of buildings during fire drills or I cannot move. As I’ve said before, there’s no easy way to accommodate both the autistic community’s needs and the Deaf community’s needs, and I don’t begrudge anyone the use of these alarms. I use this example solely to help people understand that one accommodation does not always help all disabilities.

As someone with autism and ADHD, I fidget and stim. A lot. Almost constantly. I tap, I click, I hum, I bounce my leg—I’ve started using knitting as a form of stimming. And while, unlike tics, stims are voluntary and I can stop doing them, if someone were to ask me to stop it would actually make it worse because now I am A) feeling guilty (RSD) for upsetting/hurting them and B) suppressing my self-stimulatory behaviors that I use for emotional and sensory regulation. I could stop for a while but that would cause either a panic attack or worse stimming, frankly probably within fifteen minutes.

It is COMPLETELY understandable that my need to stim may harm someone else who has a sensory processing disorder that makes it painful. Dude, I’m autistic and sometimes my OWN STIMMING is enough sensory input to hurt me. But it’s not rude unless they are intentionally trying to upset you with their fidgeting; it is a conflicting accommodation. And stimming is often done mindlessly, anyway! Before my diagnosis I would rock back and forth if I was reading or doing homework and not notice for ten, twenty minutes.

And honestly there are ways to combat this? If you, anonymous person, are professionally diagnosed and not self-diagnosed, you can ask your manager to move you away from this coworker, to schedule you two with no overlap, or if you can wear earplugs or headphones when working with this particular coworker (and no hate against self-diagnosis here, it’s just that unfortunately you can’t use self-diagnosis to ask for accommodations in most workspaces). If none of those work due to the nature of your job, help your coworker find new stims. Buy them a set of those Atlantis pens by BIC (I think they’re BIC), because they have an almost-silent click. Buy them a fidget cube or fidget pad and ask them to click the quiet buttons and not the clicky buttons. I think this anon mentioned humming, too, and honestly I don’t have a way to help with that, but hopefully by eliminating one source of input the second source will be less distracting or painful.

If your coworker refuses to help accommodate you, THEN they’re rude. Just a downright asshole. But no one is rude by virtue of needing to fidget.