#trauma and adhd

[traumaalchemy]

[iwritethingssometimes]

And then if you add enough trauma and/or depression, then nothing gives you enough stimulation and you just sit there in hell.

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

[iwritethingssometimes]

Sometimes you stumble across a video that reshapes the way you view your life.

[chai-penguin]

On Isolation

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

*displays textbook symptomatic behavior of my own disorder that I am well educated on* what’s my deal why am I like this

[c-0-yote-teeth]

fuck it we ball

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

[crush-echoes]

i dont know if anyone actually likes me

it doesnt feel like they do

everyone seems so close to each other

what if theyre talking about me

do they hate me

[crohniewitch]

[catgirl-kaiju]

me: hmh getting hungry

adhd: u can't eat rn you're already doing something

autism: there is nothing in the house that u like

anorexia: like u even need any calories

trauma: u've barely done anything today. you don't deserve to eat

little anime girl: burg her

me: burg her...

me:

little anime girl:

[manincaffeine]

Has anyone else just straight up not been happy since they were 12

[positivelyadhd]

here is your reminder that all trauma is valid.

trauma is to do with how our brains process (or don't process) memories and experiences and that if something is traumatic for you then that is trauma.

it doesn't matter if you or someone else thinks it should be significant or not or if someone else went through the same thing and wasn't impacted by it. what matters is if it's significant to you and how it impacted you.

a huge part of recovering from trauma is allowing yourself to accept that you had it in the first place.

[ed-recoverry]

All scars are beautiful!

Surgical scars are beautiful!

Self harm scars are beautiful!

Skin picking scars are beautiful!

Burn scars are beautiful!

Fine line scars are beautiful!

Keloid scars are beautiful!

Acne scars are beautiful!

Contracture scars are beautiful!

Atrophic scars are beautiful!

Hypertrophic scars are beautiful!

[vero-niche]

when you tell your therapist something from your past and it leaves them speechless

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Gentle reminder that your disability and/or chronic illness struggles are valid, even if others have it worse. It’s not like there’s one definitive Most Disabled Person In The World and they’re the only one entitled to accommodations or reactive emotions. That’s not how it works <3

[c-0-yote-teeth]