#trauma and adhd

[traumaalchemy]

[iwritethingssometimes]

And then if you add enough trauma and/or depression, then nothing gives you enough stimulation and you just sit there in hell.

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

[chai-penguin]

On Isolation

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

*displays textbook symptomatic behavior of my own disorder that I am well educated on* what’s my deal why am I like this

[iwritethingssometimes]

Sometimes you stumble across a video that reshapes the way you view your life.

[possibly-a-secunit]

fuck it we ball

[elitemaomaosequanimity]

One of the hardest things I realized after watching The Apothecary Diaries was that just because Maomao had people around her did not mean she was necessarily being cared for. The women of Verdigris weren’t bad, at least not on the surface.

They allowed her to stay, and in some ways, they gave her more independence than most girls typically received during that time.

In The Apothecary Diaries, Maomao didn’t have the luxury of being a child. There wasn’t anyone she could turn to when she was scared when she was lost, when she was hurt. Anyone to wipe away her tears, anyone to tell her she was loved and wanted.

That’s why she is what she is, why she’s become so independent, why she doesn’t turn to other people for comfort, why she uses logic and distance as a defense. Not that she doesn’t feel. It’s just that she learned a long time ago that feelings wouldn’t help her.

So, when we meet Maomao in the present timeline of The Apothecary Diaries, she’s not exactly the kind of person who shows her vulnerability. She’s super smart, very observant, and very skilled, but she kinda keeps an emotional distance from those around her. And honestly, I get it. If you grow up where nobody pays attention to your feelings, you just stop hoping that anyone will care.

Her trauma manifests in subtle ways: her reluctance to depend on others, her tendency to downplay her own suffering, and her deep-rooted self-sufficiency that sometimes borders on self-isolation. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be cared for. She is just accustomed to living in a world where care is a luxury, not a given.

So, it’s all too easy to view Maomao as merely another emotionally withdrawn protagonist, but she’s much more than that. Her trauma is embedded within every aspect of her personality, shaping her behaviors, her interactions, and her perspective.

Her experience has taught her that attachments are conditional, and she naturally keeps people at arm’s length. However, Jinshi’s persistence in treating her with respect and curiosity is something she isn’t used to. While she doesn’t openly express it, the fact that she doesn’t completely push him away speaks volumes about her yearning for connection, even if she won’t admit it.

[scifibabee]

hey, ya girl had a breakthrough in therapy. who wants to journal with me?

and to be so clear: this is a very nuanced topic, and is based on me and my experience, not saying this is true for all autistics (i'd hope that'd go without saying, but. covering my ass, anyway).

---

the autistic trauma of moral vigilance

aka: being raised in a world where your natural way of being was read as wrong

here we go, folks!

1. every mistake was magnified

when you're autistic, your “errors” don’t get interpreted as oops.

they get interpreted as defiance, disrespect, or dysfunction.

you didn’t make eye contact? you’re rude.

you didn’t answer fast enough? you’re ignoring me.

you asked too many clarifying questions? you’re challenging me.

you didn’t mask your overwhelm? you’re overreacting.

so your body learns:

“if i’m not constantly vigilant about how i show up, i’ll be seen as bad.”

2. masking becomes morality

you didn’t just mask to fit in. you masked to be perceived as a good person.

you learned to suppress natural behaviors—stimming, directness, emotional honesty, tone mismatches—because they weren’t just “weird,” they were interpreted as rude, insensitive, selfish, inappropriate.

and over time?

you stopped being able to tell the difference between what’s wrong and what’s just not neurotypical. you started assuming everything that caused friction was your fault.

so you worked harder and harder to appear morally polished, socially fluent, emotionally tidy. even when it was costing you your nervous system.

3. repair was conditional — and rarely initiated by others

when you’re autistic and raised in a neurotypical environment, you’re almost always the one expected to adjust.

so when a rupture happened?

you were expected to apologize first

you were expected to explain yourself

you were expected to take responsibility for “miscommunications” — even when the other person didn’t meet you halfway

this teaches your brain: “if i don’t preemptively take the blame, i’ll be punished — or worse, completely misunderstood.”

so you spiral not because you were wrong, but because you fear what will happen if someone else decides you were.

4. black-and-white morality became your structure for survival

because when the rules are unclear and inconsistent, when neurotypical norms feel like quicksand, your brain builds rigid systems to try and feel safe.

so you cling to moral absolutes:

“good people don’t yell.”

“if i’m right, i must be calm.”

“if i mess up, it means i was selfish.”

“if i’m hurtful, i’m dangerous.”

you make yourself small, soft, and passive because god forbid anyone see your real emotional intensity and call it wrong.

again.

---

anyway, gonna be screaming the mantras

REGULATION IS NOT A MORAL REQUIREMENT

and

MY BODY IS NOT ON TRIAL

until they hopefully stick.

[kanekorso]

actually i asked everyone on earth and they all said that they fucking hate me and want me dead

[crohniewitch]

[yesokayiknow]

okay rewatching lucky day & like yes i think that ruby's experiences in 73 yards left her with an above average ability to deal with unreal realities but also like. she IS disabled. she has ptsd (and that was BEFORE what conrad did to her)

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Gentle reminder that your disability and/or chronic illness struggles are valid, even if others have it worse. It’s not like there’s one definitive Most Disabled Person In The World and they’re the only one entitled to accommodations or reactive emotions. That’s not how it works <3

[positivelyadhd]

here is your reminder that all trauma is valid.

trauma is to do with how our brains process (or don't process) memories and experiences and that if something is traumatic for you then that is trauma.

it doesn't matter if you or someone else thinks it should be significant or not or if someone else went through the same thing and wasn't impacted by it. what matters is if it's significant to you and how it impacted you.

a huge part of recovering from trauma is allowing yourself to accept that you had it in the first place.

[possibly-a-secunit]

[afniel]

So today I woke up and promptly remembered that hey, didn't I have jury duty at some point this month...? I went downstairs and checked the summons postcard and sure enough, I did.

Last week!

Now, this isn't me confessing a criminal misdemeanor, because I was excused, actually. Luck was on my side (and so was the Wayback Machine, which is how I had to check). No failure to appear, no foul.

The thing I'm actually proud of is that I didn't freak out about it. See, when you've got a lifetime of internalized ADHD shame, the typical reaction to realizing that You Forgot Something, Again, goes like this:

Panic so much. You're going to be In Trouble. Nothing can possibly be worse than being In Trouble. This is a category 5 emergency.

Self-flagellate as hard as humanly possible. What kind of useless sack of unreliable shit, accidentally mislabeled as a human being, could have fucked this up so badly? This is just like everything else in your life. Nothing you do is ever right no matter how hard you try. What's even the point? You're an eternal fuckup. Might as well just accept it.

Existential crisis spiral until you can't even remember what the real problem is. The problem is just you. The problem has always been you. Why are you like this?

Eat an entire thing of Oreos, or whatever your self-destructive self-soothing behavior of choice is. Do you feel better? Not really. You stopped hyperventilating at least, so it'll have to be close enough.

Actually deal with the real problem, if it's even a problem. It probably wasn't. Now you just feel stupid for getting so worked up about it.

Completely fail to realize that you punishing the hell out of yourself in steps 2-4 is just reinforcing your panic response and making you less capable of coping in the future, because you've had it beaten into your head that forgetting things, a normal and reasonable human error, is Simply Not Acceptable, even if it's ultimately pretty harmless. But hey, if you kick your own ass about it harder than anybody else would or even could, then you've personally made sure you have control over the severity of the punishment, right?

Right?

Does that sound like a trauma response? Well, it should, because it is. Many people with ADHD have this same trauma response, because having a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's in a world that is not just not built to accommodate that, but in fact is built to convince you that this is a personal, moral, and unforgivable failure is actually pretty traumatic.

That's verbatim how I've lived most of my life. Don't ask me how the hell I got this far carrying on like that, because I don't even know. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger gives you a goddamn complex. But I've been working on it over the past I don't even know how many years, and today, my response was more like this:

Oh shit jury duty was a week ago. Well, now I just feel silly.

Uhh...let's figure out the worst possible outcome. Jail time? Seems highly unlikely for a first time misdemeanor. Possibly a fine, but probably a warning.

Let's look up what actually happens to people in my county who miss their jury duty. They get sent a second summons. That's very reasonable and not at all a real problem if it happens.

Let's find out if I was even summoned to appear. If not, it isn't even a problem. Mention it to my partner at this point. They say 'yeah, I forgot I had jury duty once. I looked up whether or not I was summoned on the Wayback Machine. You told me to not worry about it either way because people honestly forget all the time, and it's a fixable problem whatever happens.'

Realize they are right (and that I forgot this happened until they mentioned it because it was such a non-issue), and I should take the advice I give and treat myself like somebody I care about. I reassure myself that it's not a big deal and people do it all the time and nobody's doing to be personally affronted, and a sincere apology goes a very long way even with a cranky judge if it comes to that. I check the Wayback Machine.

I was excused anyway, so no big deal in the end. I now have a funny story to tell, and I'll probably remember better in the future as a result. Realize that even if it had gone worse, it still would have ended up a funny story later. Yeah, even if they inexplicably threw me in jail for a night. That sure would never get old retelling.

Have a shower and get on with my day.

Gold star for me, I completely didn't even realize that I was de-catastrophizing so well until after the fact. Like I've got it down to a reflex now. I am legitimately just a much calmer person than I used to be. Feels pretty alright! I could get used to this not kicking the absolute mental health out of myself every time something goes slightly wrong. Highly recommend being nice to yourself actually, 10/10 experience.

Anyway that's me tooting my own horn. I feel very emotionally stable and pretty good about that fact. It's been a fucking journey.

[surrah698]

♥️Surrah♥️

This is weirdly accurate for what goes on inside my head... 😝😅

Show me some love, y'all! And purdy please check out my other platforms 😘 and please let me know whatcha think. I need some feedback 😊

https://linktr.ee/Surrah698