#i try to tough everything out on my own and self isolate and end up pushing people away bc i dont want to worry/bother/ask too much from pp

[lucky-rabbits]

i wish i had thoughts in my brain i want to think abt silly self ship stuff but im just. really numb and tired at this point jfkdljfklds

maybe ill think more abt my cringe modern au rookrol thoughts before making myself pass out........

rook and their late partner (ash) raised ash's two younger siblings together and then. well ash dies (idk if it was suddenly or illness yet) and rook becomes the sole guardian of both darcy and silas

and like. grief and recovery isnt linear at all so im just. thinking abt rookrol comfort where rook has an mini episode around roland for the first time and is trying so hard to keep it together, apologizing and telling him that he should leave for the night since this is not something he should have to deal with since the two havent been dating for that long yet

rook trying so hard to tough it out on their own, not wanting to be a burden on anyone because THEY have to be the one to keep it together for the sake of everyone else.

but roland Does Not leave, he's not pushy abt trying to find ways to comfort or help rook. but he stays and waits for when/if rook needs anything form him

[lenaellsi]

What are your gomens s3 predictions for crowley?

WELL

I have three categories of predictions. I know where I would take the character, but the show surprises me so often that I don't expect to get it right. Just for fun, though, and under the cut because it got so fucking long:

1. He sleeps/binge drinks/otherwise disengages from the world straight through to the start of S3.

The Crowley of S2 is, in a lot of ways, more stable than the Crowley of the Crowley of S1, but I think he's also more depressed. His only purpose was survival from the moment he Fell to the moment he and Aziraphale quit their jobs, and now that he has to live, he's completely directionless. He doesn't understand (and has never understood) how he fits into the universe, how angels and demons generally fit into the universe, and what the point is if God can just wipe them all out for any reason. He doesn't believe in any part of the Good/Evil system. Aziraphale leaving--and confirming some of his greatest fears about the foundations of their relationship along the way--could be enough to send Crowley into an apathetic coma for a bit.

So I can see it happening, but my instinct says that's not where they'll go with it. Crowley tends to fall back on his escape methods only when he truly sees no other way out. In S1, he tried to drink himself to death only when Aziraphale was gone and, to his knowledge, there was no way to locate the Antichrist and even try to stop Armageddon. A few episodes before that, he proposed leaving only because Aziraphale hadn't shared Adam's location, and because Hell was actively hunting him. Once he learned where Adam was--once there was a sliver of a chance to save the world--he drove through Hellfire to do it. Crowley's not afraid to work through tough situations, he's just always aware of how fragile things are, and is prone to feeling angry and hopeless when he sees no path forward. And of course he is--it's his oldest wound, and his deepest, that he and everything he loves will always be at the whims of ineffability, and that there's nothing he can do about it.

But in S3, since he's not at the point where the destruction of the Earth seems inevitable yet:

2. Crowley will form his own plan to stop the Second Coming.

This is what I think will happen. Crowley loves Earth. He loves humanity. He was the one to talk Aziraphale into stopping Armageddon, the one to toast "to the world" at the end of S1. The planned destruction of the universe is the exact thing that caused him to Fall. Crowley is his own person outside of his relationship with Aziraphale, and that person has a long history of fighting and scheming and suffering for the sake of humanity.

He's also a very active character. He is consistently the one making plans, moving the plot forward, trying to enact change. He saw the schematics in Heaven, and I really do think he'll do his best to come up with a plan to stop them, even though he's understandably very upset.

I don't think it'll be a good plan. If I had to guess (without knowing any specifics of the plot) I think he'll either try to disrupt the delivery of Christ to Earth or try to cut Heaven and Hell off from Earth entirely. He has no allies, no support, and very little reason to be cautious in his approach, which leads me to why you probably sent this ask:

Option 3: As above, only this time the plan is either not something he plans to survive, or his own survival is not something he is particularly concerned about.

So the thing about Crowley is that I really don't think he has any substantial issues with self-loathing, or any active desire to do himself harm. He is a survivor; he values safety and contingency and isolation above most things. But he values three things more: 1) freedom of choice, 2) Earth, and 3) Aziraphale.

He's a very angry, very impulsive person, and he is dealing with a lot unresolved feelings on the issue of demons and angels existing in the universe at all, and he loves Aziraphale and the Earth so dearly that sometimes he doesn't think straight. He's reckless, he's pissed off, he's feeling hopeless, and, after their fight, he's also convinced that Aziraphale would probably be able to move on from losing him. (In his mind, 'Crowley' is not the person Aziraphale would mourn; he would mourn the dead angel he's been chasing since the Fall.) If a plan presents itself that would be dangerous to him, I think he would see no reason not to try it. If you've gotta go, go with style.

So, yeah. I don't think it's likely, for all sorts of reasons--this is a comedy show, a Bible parody, and the tone is always going to be a little lighter than the angstiest possible conclusion, final fifteen aside. But the self-sacrificial route is one I can see Crowley taking, and his inevitable survival and reunion with Aziraphale would have an aftermath that would be messy and painful and fascinating to watch. It would also have some obvious thematic resonance with Christ, a figure I assume they'll be exploring quite a bit in S3, so that would be kinda cool.

(Thoughts on the Duke of Hell theory, with a general warning it's not my favorite, so don't read if that'll upset you:)

Very much not for me, sorry. Crowley, for all he is a master of on-the-fly (ha) bullshitting, is not suited for playing politics. (Neither is Aziraphale, for what it's worth.) Crowley is too outspoken, too honorable, and too prone to fits of temper to have any patience for that kind of role. Besides that, he absolutely does not want it. He hates Hell just as much as he hates Heaven. I don't think he would ever go back to either of them, consequences be damned.

I also think that there's no practical way it could even happen? Beelzebub only offered him the role out of desperation to find Gabriel, and even then, it was almost certainly a lie. With Beelzebub gone, every single person in a position of power in Hell hates Crowley. And if they tried to dupe him into it the way the Metatron did, he'd run and not look back.

[anarchistauthor]

@anarchistauthor Really, a good chunk of the male characters end up being typical male archetypes, but having their typical expectations and archetypes put under a microscope and stripped of plot armor for the sake of the greater narrative:

Ozma and Oscar being different types of Chosen Ones, with the former being someone who being chosen results in him being manipulated by the deity who "chose him" into turning against his lover, and because of the fallout of that devolves into a manipulative liar who basically alienates everyone because he's too dogmatically stuck in his ways to acknowledge that he's being played for a fool by the very deity who chose him.

Oscar meanwhile gets the farm boy with a grand destiny shtick...but as basically just another pawn in a grand crusade against the initial Big Bad, doomed to have his identity subsumed against his will for the sake of a greater good that will never come because of the former's inability to get out of his situation. Oscar, instead of being the protagonist, instead finds himself in a fight for his own right to exist as a person, having to push back against his own transformation while trying to figure out who he's really supposed to be in this mess.

Ren's the typical "my village is dead because of monsters and I want revenge", but he ends up getting his revenge very early on, and it's revealed that it was ultimately a red herring for his ACTUAL issues, which involve his desire for a sense of certainty and control over his life by becoming a huntsman and destroying the destroyer of his village...which doesn't actually resolve anything. He instead ends up having to deal with the aftermath and the unearthing of his deep-seated traumas regarding authority and his own sense of powerlessness and the consequences it nearly has for his relationship with Nora, who finds herself on the opposite side of an ideological impasse as a result.

Adam is the revolutionary pushed by a desire for revenge against those who tormented him, but instead shows how much his desires twisted him until he started caring more and more about his own bloodlust, and willingly nearly destroyed everything he claimed to stand for because he couldn't face reality of how much he was making things worse for his race.

And Ironwood is the tough military man who views himself as the last thing standing against an unbeatable foe, who has to make the tough decisions that his comrades refuse to make...but it soon becomes incredibly clear that rather than that being true, he's more akin to a mall cop mixed with a politician playing soldier in a war that he doesn't really understand at all, because he's never actually FOUGHT a real war, and his bullheaded ignorance and self-importance leads to him alienating everyone and nearly ruined everything.

And all of these things end up leading to the point that the current world order that Ozpin created is deeply flawed and actively useless against the likes of Salem and the Gods, and how our heroines need to change their methods and strategy if they want to have any hope of actually fixing the true situation, instead of just ending up blindly repeating the same mistakes that their predecessors did.

At the end of the day, RWBY is the story of four girls who do everything they can to save the world. Not because they think they're better than everyone else, or more qualified, and certainly not because of "destiny" hogwash. Just because they know someone has to do it, and they've seen all the ways that everyone else who tried has fucked it up. Keeping secrets, isolating, manipulation, those tactics all failed completely. So, the Ruby Rose method is to do the opposite: Be honest and forward about the issue, ask for help, and count on others.

And it worked.

[mla0]

looks at you. i want to hear about your different iteration things au concept thing for shaun,. blinks eye.

WEEEE

so for the first iteration of the andersens i used the last name warren, so shaun and michael warren because i just like that surname lol. i'm not sure if they would have been in fairmount (probably would've), but either way they definitely knew the mining town four. the clock was ground zero for why they were both admitted, because the mental effects of it lingering around greatly hurt them both and made them act out in their own ways. i think shaun was close with vinny and steph, and michael was close with evan. shaun and jeff are frienemies in the kind of sibling-esque "id kill for you but id also bury you alive for a saltine cracker" way. also it's a personal headcanon of mine that shaun really, really does not like corenthal, and even across iterations that trait sticks even if she doesn't know why (in my personal headcanon, doc gave her preferential treatment over michael and it pissed her off so bad the anger stuck across all the iterations.)

throughout the iterations i think entities like habit would be more in the background, but would sometimes be there, oftentimes to force the two apart. so throughout the generations, you'll see them slowly becoming more and more distant, because habit, the man in the suit, whatever, all thrive off of isolating people as much as possible so they're easier to manipulate or kill later. the two figuring out how to rejoin and work together is paramount, but it gets harder every time.

the other main iteration i focus on would be in the princeton era, and in this one her iteration is named esther. the name means north star, and i think she'd possibly choose it because of vinny for obvious reasons. their last name is korbel, so michael and esther korbel are their names. anyways, in my interpretation she tried to outrun her responsibilities the moment she was old enough, by going off to work in remote and often dangerous places (think oil rigs, firetowers, things where you're far away from everyone else) because her hope is that she can outrun slenderman. she even leaves the country for long periods of time and doesn't really have anyone to lean on, which she did on purpose.

esther and michael in this era hadn't been forcefully separated and were actually really close as kids/younger teens, but they grew apart over time and they hadn't talked in years because esther grew more and more detached from other people. michael took this personally of course and is constantly trying to figure out where she is, but he eventually resigns that she was probably killed by the man in the suit. this isn't the case, though. esther also ended up transitioning when she was away, using the remote workplaces and fact that basically nobody knows her to her advantage. she doesn't care if people are shitty to her on an oil rig, they're too busy getting decompression sickness anyways. she tries to tough everything out but it wears her down more than she'd admit, and has a hard time keeping her resolve and not contacting michael.

it's not that esther dislikes him, quite the opposite actually. kind of like michael in mla0, she has this idea that it's mostly after her or is somehow her own fault, so staying far away from michael will keep him safer. it's self-centered, but michael didn't talk too much about the man in childhood (because he also thought it'd keep his sibling safe) so she wrongly assumes she's patient zero in the family and the two never communicated about this. eventually, something goes wrong at work and she finally starts accepting the situation and meets people like vinny (who i think would be a close friend, i love when shaun and vinny have a dynamic) her and michael see each other again... only for her to realize michael doesn't recognize her after she disappeared and transitioned so long ago. she's terrified of him finding out because this is like, the 1980s, and she doesn't know how michael would take her being trans. even though she's almost entirely certain he wouldn't mind, she still doesn't want to ruin the time they has left, because at this point she's realized they're probably doomed anyways.

she tries to use this to her advantage; she helps michael out a ton without getting too emotionally close. she becomes dangerously obsessed with trying to understand what the entities around her are and what they can do, which only makes her more distant and worries the hell out of vinny as she slips deeper into it. she practically self sabotages and gets more and more unhinged as she dives headfirst into danger with little regard for much else. in the end michael ends up being killed by habit (?) while she's trying to save him, and she makes one last ditch attempt to kill whatever this monster is that she can't comprehend. she puts up a good fight and gets closer than she ever has before thanks to what she's learned, but well, it's habit. she never really stood a chance, and she dies regretting all the things she never told her brother

[kylieswift31]

Lucky

Beginning to think it’s time to branch out from listening to just Taylor Swift because I just listened to ‘lucky’ by Halsey for the first time and I’ve never heard anything so incredibly validating.

I've been chronically ill for over six years now with ME/CFS and I had settled into a state of plateau where my symptoms were fairly manageable. Earlier this year with a few big live events outside of my control, I entered into my biggest relapse since 2021 and became bed bound again. Listening to Taylor Swift became my lifeline and the online community that came with that has helped ease some of the isolation that comes with being too unwell to leave the house.

Here's a glimpse into why Halsey's song 'lucky' has resonated with my experience with a chronic illness.

"I am so lucky"

Variants of this comment are so often thrown around by friends and family when they hear that I stay at home all day. It's something they would love to be able to do, but show no consideration for the chronic pain and fatigue I experience while staying home that takes up most of my day.

"Everybody, get in line to meet the girl who flew too high. Who does it all just to be liked by strangers that she met online."

I had my first big relapse during the Victorian lockdowns when everyone was home at the same time. This time around it feels like everyone's moved on and I'm stuck here all alone. When I felt completely isolated from the outside world I began watching the eras tour on grainy live streams, and then joining this online community and contributing my own thoughts became integral to feeling like I was a little less alone.

"Did it all to be included, my self-loathing so deep-rooted. Inner child that's unrecruited, truth is I'm not suited for it."

I spent years trying to push through the pain to attend events in an attempt to fit in, just to end up worse off and in more pain than ever. Having to choose between what's best for my physical health and mental health is an impossible decision. Being able to leave the house once a week was the most I could manage without overdoing it.

"When I die, I won't have time to spend my money. But I hope that you still love me."

Everyone has an opinion when you get sick. And then everyone has an opinion when you don't get better. They're also going to have an opinion when you die. It's hard to believe the positive opinions when the negative ones are so loud.

"'Cause I'm so lucky, I'm a star. But I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin' "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?""

The references to the early 2000's in this song add a layer of familiarity to the present day. I feel like I'm sitting on my bedroom floor listening to Britney Spears again and wondering what the future holds. Who will I be when I grow up? When the nostalgic memories begin to fade and the pain of the present day begins to seep back in.

"Why they come? Why they come? Why they come? Why they come?"

If you don't see how much pain I'm in, then why do I still feel it? If I'm in chronic pain and no one acknowledges it, then why does it hurt so much?

"And why she losing so much weight? I heard it's from the drugs she ate."

When pain and fatigue take over your life, just being able to eat is a feat in itself. All the "but have you tried..." comments don't take into account how little you have left to invest time, money and energy into the latest craze promising a (snake oil) cure.

"And I feel her, but I can't relate. 'Cause I'd never end up in that state."

When you get sick you go to the doctor and they make you better, right? It doesn't always work out that way, especially for women. Often just getting a diagnosis is a challenge. It's taken a lot of strength to acknowledge that I'm unlikely to recover. For the people in my life to acknowledge that too would require them recognising that the doctors don't have the answers for everything.

"A girl like that is a mother, must be tough. A problem child, I was rough."

Not being able to keep up with the typical activities other families participate in outside of school affects my ability to relate to the experiences of parenthood when I'm confronted with hearing about how much I'm missing out on. The gap between my lifestyle and theirs is too immense to feel anything other than jealousy right now.

"But what do you do with a difficult grownup?"

Ugh. Most of the time coping mechanisms are a necessity. I'm sure I don't have to remind you what the alternative is? It's incredibly invalidating when the majority of the judgemental comments I hear are a criticism of the small things I choose to do on my good days.

"When I die, I won't have time to spend my money. But I hope that you still love me."

At some point we need to take a step back and let other people make their own mistakes. On the worst days it feels like I'm one more bad day away from giving up. Having something positive to focus on (like the eras tour) gives me something to look forward to each week.

"'Cause I'm so lucky, I'm a star. But I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin' "If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"

When you get sick and don't get better it feels like everyone's comparing your condition to the worst case scenario. Exclaiming that "at least it's not cancer!" and how you're so lucky because you're not going to die from it, while ignoring how the alternative path to death has alarmingly high rates within the community.

"I shaved my head four times because I wanted to, and then I did it one more time ‘cause i got sick."

I shaved my hair off a few years ago because I'd always wanted to try it, but I shaved it off again when I relapsed because I needed to. Last time I was bed bound I struggled to wash my hair. This time I was proactive and shaved it off so it was one less hurdle to deal with. Making choices like this proactively was empowering.

"And I thought I changed so much, nobody would notice it, and no one did."

Having to stay home and not leave the house at all has been a mammoth change for me, but to everyone else nothing has changed. When nobody sees me on my worst days, they assume my good days are the norm and not the exception.

"And I left the doctor’s office full of tears"

I stopped going to the doctors because I was crying in the car on the way home after every single appointment. After struggling to even get a diagnosis they say there's nothing else they can do to help, when they didn't do anything to help in the first place. Having a condition with no approved treatment doesn’t help. Slowly I managed on my own and made progress without the extra stress.

"Became a single mom at my premiere, and I told everybody I was fine for a whole damn year, and that’s the biggest lie of my career."

It feels like all I do is deflect questions about my life to avoid the negative comments and mask the pain. When I do try and share my experiences I'm met with pity or told to try harder. No wonder the challenges I face feel invisible.

"But I’m so lucky, I’m a star, and I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin’, if there’s nothin’ missin’ in my life, then why do these tears come at night."

What most people don't understand is that ME/CFS is ranked as having one of the lowest quality of life scores. Even the milder categories are incredibly debilitating. If I'm so lucky, why does it feel like the world has moved on without me and I'm left behind?

"I’m so lucky, I’m a star, but I cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart, thinkin’, if there’s nothin’ missin’ in my life, then why do these tears come at night."

Going to be listening to this song on repeat for a while. Art like this is integral to counter the negativity and make the hard days a little less invisible.

"She’s so lucky, she’s so lucky, she’s so lucky, she’s so, haven’t you heard."

Everyone has their own battles to face. You never know when you’re interacting with someone who’s trying to hold it together while hanging on by a thread.

To conclude I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the folklore long pond studio session x

"No one pats them on the back, but every day they are actively fighting something. But there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that. And so how often must someone who's in that sort of internal struggle must want to say to everyone in the room, you have no idea how close I am to going back to a dark place. Or you have no idea how hard it is to get to the point where you guys think is still shitty."

-Taylor Swift and Jack Antanoff

[anonymousewrites]

Adolescent Antichrist (Book 6) Chapter Four

Father Figure! Lucifer Morningstar x Teen! Reader

Demon! OC x Reader

Chapter Four: Since When Were We in High School Musical?

Summary: (Y/N) and the LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club have a normal day at school when the world turns upside down and becomes a literal stage.

            “So, yeah, the night sucked,” said (Y/N), finishing their recap of the disastrous birthday dinner with Lucifer’s family.

            “Yikes.” Em winced. “I know that Celestials and demons and all that are drama queens, but that was terrible even for me.”

            “I’m sorry about your birthday,” said Olive, frowning.

            (Y/N) shrugged. “We went out for lunch, and my dad and I grabbed some food on our way back to the penthouse and then watched Princess Diaries 2, so my day ended great.”

            “You have a thing for Anne Hathaway, don’t you?” said Noa, smirking.

            “Who wouldn’t?” sighed Olive, smiling.

            “I prefer Chris Pine in the movie,” said Marcel.

            “I like him more as Captain Kirk, even if the characterization of him could have been written better,” said Leon.

            “Guys, we’re getting distracted,” said Em, rounding her friends’ attention up. “(Y/N), are you alright after everything that happened?”

            “I mean, it made me angry to see Michael treat my dad that way and then God didn’t say anything.” (Y/N) popped a tomato into their mouth before continuing. “He’s their Father. You’d think He would try to make them better to one another after people died and the world nearly ended because of their rivalry. And, if you can believe it, that wasn’t the worst part,” said (Y/N). “God didn’t say that He loved Amenadiel, Lucifer, and Michael.”

            Leon frowned. “I thought God was all-loving.”

            “Some people say He’s wrathful,” said Marcel. “So if we’re confused, I can’t imagine how His own kids feel.”

            “Not great,” surmised Noa.

            “I feel bad for them,” said Olive.

            “I don’t feel bad for Michael,” said Noa.

            “Obviously not for him, but the principle makes me feel bad,” said Olive. “Parents should make sure their kids know they’re loved.”

            “Is the boss doing alright?” asked Em.

            (Y/N) sighed. “I think he’s spending time with Chloe, and he was with me before that, so he’s not isolating. That’s a good sign. He’s upset for sure, but he hasn’t gone into a self-destructive rut, which is an improvement on past behavior.”

            Em nodded. “And how are you doing?”

            “My dad loves me, so I didn’t have to deal with anything about that,” said (Y/N).

            Em narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, Lucifer loves you. But how do you feel after seeing Michael again after the…you-know-what.”

            “ ‘Apocalypse’ isn’t a bad word,” said (Y/N). “And I’m working on getting over it. It’s just taking some time.”

            “Exactly. That’s why we’re worried being around Michael might have been…not great?” said Olive.

            “I believe the words we used in our discussion were ‘damaging,’ ‘unproductive,’ ‘triggering’—”

            “Thanks, Leon,” said Noa, patting their shoulder, and he nodded.

            (Y/N) chuckled lightly. “Thank you for your tact, Olive, and thanks for being straightforward, Leon.” They stared at their lunchbox and shrugged. “To actually answer the question, I didn’t like being with Michael. It made me angry. I didn’t break down in front of him, I just snapped at him, but it was tough. I felt on edge, fragile, like I was back in that void.” (Y/N) shivered. “God told me I’m not made of darkness, so it’s not like I’ll bring the Apocalypse back, but I can’t help but be worried every time I get upset, and Michael makes me super upset.”

            “Because he’s a total asshole,” said Em. “He gets everyone frustrated.” She nudged (Y/N) supportively. “It’s not just an Antichrist thing.”

            (Y/N) smiled slightly. “I’ll try to remember that, even if I did feel pretty on edge last night. If my dad hadn’t been comfortable enough to snap back at Michael and had just taken the abuse, I probably would have snapped.” They shivered. “I don’t know where my limits are. I don’t know when I’m going to lose control. It frightens me.”

            Dum. Dum. Dum-dum-dum.

            (Y/N) straightened and looked around themself as drums played in the air. “What the hell is—”

            Marcel jumped onto the lunch table, and (Y/N) stared in confusion.

(“Apocalypse Please” by Muse) (Marcel) “Declare this an emergency.”

            Leon stood up next to him.

(Leon) “Come on and spread a sense of urgency.”

            Marcel took Leon’s hand and spun them as they danced across the tabletop.

(Leon and Marcel) “And pull us through~ And pull us through~”

            Everyone in the lunchroom stood from their seats, drummed on the tables with their hands and trays, and joined the song.

(Lunchroom) “And this is the end, the end! This is the end of the world!”

            The entire cafeteria had erupted into song with music coming from who-knew-where. (Y/N) stared at them in amazement since they were impressed and confused. The singing was great, but (Y/N) wasn’t sure why everyone was acting like this was fucking normal.

            Noa stepped onto the table and spun to sing at every corner of the room.

(Noa) “And it’s time we saw a miracle~”

            Olive jumped up, Noa caught her, and they dipped. Olive’s ballet practice let her extend her leg up perfectly, and she winked. before standing up and pirouetting and falling into a dramatic backband with her song.

(Olive) “Come on, it’s time for something biblical!”

            Olive bent back in the dip, put her hands on the table, and back-hand-sprung to her feet. She and Noa grinned at each other.

(Olive and Noa) “To pull though~ And pull us through~”

            How do all these idiots know this choreography? thought (Y/N). Once again, they were one of the only sane people on Earth, and they could destroy the world with enough provocation, so what did that say about the rest?

(Lunchroom) “And this is the end, the end! This is the end of the world!”

            The music continued to play, and the students in the room danced. People spun in groups, and (Y/N) wasn’t an idiot, they noticed when groups of students created choreography that showed pentagrams. Five held hands and created a star shape while others danced around them in a circle.

            (Y/N) groaned and turned to Em to suggest escaping whatever the hell Celestial bullshit had infected everyone (because what else could cause this?). Before they could say a thing, Em got up onto the table.

(Em) “Proclaim eternal victory!”

            She held out a hand to (Y/N) with a grin, and (Y/N) was such a sucker that they sighed, gave in to the music, and let the rhythm take them. They took Em’s hand, got onto the table, and held her hand tightly as the words came to their mind.

(Y/N) “Come on and change the course of history!”

            Em spun (Y/N) and pulled them closer by the waist.

((Y/N) and Em) “And pull us through, And pull us through~”

            The group on the table took one another’s hands and swung them up in the air as they and the entire lunchroom sang out.

(Everyone) “And this is the end, This is the end of the world!”

            The music ended, and everyone grinned at one another. Slowly, everyone got down from the tables or chairs they had ended up dancing on. No one said anything about the weird song and dance routine they’d all psychically known.

            The LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club got down from the table, and (Y/N) put their hands on their hips.

            “Since when were we in High School Musical?” they said.

            “I don’t know, but that was super fun,” said Marcel, laughing.

            “How did we manage that?” said Leon, tilting his head.

            “If we noticed it, then it’s probably something Celestial,” said Em. “No one else did, and we’re the non-mortals.”

            “I think that’s the first bit of Celestial influence on our lives that’s been fun,” said Olive, smiling.

            “I’ve always said the world would be better as a musical,” said Noa. “And that song is a fantastic one, so if today is the day all the world’s a stage, I’m not going to fight it.”

            “Yeah, because singing about the Apocalypse is so fun,” groaned (Y/N).

            “Come on, Birdie, we’ll ask about it later if it keeps happening,” said Em. They squeezed (Y/N)’s hand. “We deserve a little fun.”

            (Y/N) smiled and squeezed their significant other’s hand. “I guess so.”

            “And, if you really need a distraction, you get to work on your designs for your senior project now,” said Em.

            (Y/N) sighed in relief. Two hours of just fashion designing, sewing, cutting, and stitching. Now that was the therapeutic activity they needed.

l

            (Y/N) calmly pinned the hem of one of the dresses that Olive would be wearing (they had gotten their core friend group and various other friends from around school to volunteer to be their model so that (Y/N) could show real people of various builds and identities in their fashion).

            (Y/N) hummed to themself as they worked, touched a thread to their tongue to keep it from fraying, and threaded the needle before continuing to stitch.

            “These are turning out so well,” said Marcel, looking at himself in the mirror.

            “Birdie, you’re so talented,” said Em, flexing her muscles in the halter-top that showed off her arms. “I look amazing.”

            “Stop doing that, I haven’t finished it,” said (Y/N), carefully focused on Olive’s dress.

            “You’re not even looking at me, how do you know what I’m doing?” said Em.

            “I have a ‘Em Mischief Meter,’ and it’s going off right now,” said (Y/N), laughing.

            Em pouted.

            “Where do you get your inspiration?” asked Leon, standing straight and still as a statue so that (Y/N) could look at him next.

            (Y/N) shrugged. “I design what makes me feel good and what I think other people would feel good in. Fashion should make people feel empowered and like they can take on the world, whether it’s in soft, floaty dresses or leather jackets. It’s not the style but how it makes the person feel. Clothes should make people look good and get them to feel good. That’s—”

(“Fashion!” by Lady Gaga) (Y/N) “Fashion.”

            They froze as the word came out as a song, and a beat struck up. They closed their mouth, but their friends were already grinning at them, and the music kept going. (Y/N) took a deep breath and decided to lean into the musical experience of the day. Em was right—why not have some fun?

            (Y/N) let go of Olive’s dress, the hem finished, and stood. They put their hands on their hips and turned around to face everyone. With the measuring tape around their neck, the pin cushion around their wrist, and the scraps of fabric at their feet, they looked like the epitome of what people pictured in a designer.

(Y/N) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.”

            They pointed at Olive, Leon, and Em with a wink.

(Olive, Leon, and Em) “Slay, slay!” (Y/N) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.”

            They pointed at Noa, Marcel, and winked at themself in the mirror.

(Noa and Marcel) “Fashion!”

            (Y/N) grabbed some fabric and draped it around themself. They paraded around the room, hands on their hips.

(Y/N) “Step into the room like it’s a catwalk.”

            Their friends posed.

(Em, Noa, Olive, Marcel, and Leon) “Fashion!” (Y/N) “Singing to the tune, just to keep them talking.”

            Their friends struck another pose.

(Em, Noa, Olive, Marcel, and Leon) “Fashion!”

            (Y/N) spun, and the fabric around them fluttered off and into the air in a swath of sheer red.

(Y/N) “Walk into the light, displayin’ diamonds and pearls in my—” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Fashion!” (Y/N) “Married to the night, I own the world, we own the world.”

            Other models came out of the makeshift dressing rooms with their outfits and giant grins on their faces.

(LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Look at me now, I feel on top of the world in my—” (All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Look at me now, I feel on top of the world in my—” (All) “Fashion!”

            Leon strutted down the makeshift catwalk, and his model face was on point. The group cheered.

(Leon) “Looking good and feeling fine.”

            Marcel took his turn and posed at the end of the catwalk, winking at his partner.

(Marcel) “Looking good and feeling fine.”

            Olive went onto point toes and pirouetted down the runway.

(Olive) “Looking good and feeling fine.” (All minus Olive) “Slay, slay!”

            Noa strutted next and flipping their beaded box braids over their shoulder with attitude.

(Noa) “Looking good and feeling fine.”

            Em walked down the runway and blew a kiss.

(Em) “Looking good and feeling fine.”

            (Y/N) went down last, taking off their jacket and throwing it to the side to their fans (friends).

(Y/N) “Looking good and feeling fine.” (All minus (Y/N)) “Slay, slay!”

            The entire group strutted into the hallway. The LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club and their other friends brought the music with them as they turned the corridor into their runway.

(Y/N) “You’ve got company, make sure you look your best.”

            The classroom doors opened, and people posed on tables within and in doorways.

(All) “Fashion!” (Y/N) “Makeup on your face, a new designer dress.”

            Several people began to vogue, and others took photos together in model poses.

(All) “Fashion!”

            (Y/N) joined several photos and tossed jackets and accessories they’d made at the groups.

(Y/N) “There’s a life on Mars where the couture is beyond, beyond.”

            The people in the halls slipped into (Y/N)’s designs and joined the joint catwalk.

(All) “Fashion!” (Y/N) “Married to the stars, I own the world, we own the world!”

            Different people strutted down the catwalk as people cheered and took photos. Some vogued, some did gymnastics, some danced, and others just showed their sass and shed their shier personas.

(All) “Look at me now, I feel on top of the world in my—” (Y/N) “Fashion!” (All) “Look at me know, I feel on top of the world in my—” (Y/N) “Fashion!”

            People traded accessories, jackets, and other bits of clothing. They mixed and matched and reappeared in doorways to pose in new outfits. They were all exploring new styles, laughing, and smiling together.

(All) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Slay, slay!”

            Several people brought out makeup and began to help others really express one another before taking hands and dancing. Some shier people took the hands of their friends and walked the runway together.

(All) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Slay!” (All) “Slay, slay, slay, slay!”

            (Y/N) moved onto the catwalk, and everyone looked at them.

(Y/N) “I take it off, I put it on, I feel alive when I transform, But this love’s not material, Now take it in and turn me on, Zip me up, it can’t be wrong, ‘Cause your new look’s ethereal!”

            They held the note, and everyone around them grabbed some fabric and ran around them. The fabrics of a million different colors swirled around them like a hurricane. (Y/N) spun with it, fashion and joy and pride and self-expression all around them. This was the love and creativity they adored.

(All) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Slay, slay!”

            The fabric hurricane dropped, and (Y/N) posed, a creator in their element. They spun and posed for each photo taken of them, even if their arms were exposed by their movements and the black marks appeared. In the moment, (Y/N) felt free, even if their self-esteem wasn’t completely rebuilt. They could lean in and enjoy the moment they had.

(All) “Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine, Looking good and feeling fine.”

            (Y/N) and their friends came together and danced, vogued, and laughed with the rest of the school.

(All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Je me sens en paradis en—” (All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Donnez-moi Christian Louboutins!” (All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “La monde est à moi, c’est la vie en—” (All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Je suis en haute couture en—” (All) “Fashion!” (LGBTQ+ Breakfast Club) “Fashion, fashion, f-fashion, Fashion, fashion, Fashion, fashion!”

Taglist:

@sammyscreencaps-13

@grippleback-galaxy-galaxy

@scarlettqueen190

@ziro-the-null-god

@sammy-13

@zeros-rot

@ceridwyn3

@technikerin23

@poetoflawed

@slytherinroyalty16

@ilse235

@theurbannoodle

@lookitseddie

@amberforest08

[marbleboa]

HELLO CASPER i'm here to haunt you with your past (no pressure if you don't want this haunting). but for the director's commentary... this little scene from ACD haunts me to this day:

“Anything happens, wake me up.” Tardif says, trying to arrange the two of them comfortably despite the cramped space of the bed. Damian nods, his own body filling the spaces the other man leaves. His voice comes out with just enough energy in it to be audible.

“You’re…a good man, Tardif.”

At first Tardif has to suppress a snort, but as the other man solemnly stares back the genuineness of Damian’s words hits him with an almost painful force. He says nothing, reasoning to himself that the flagellant’s state of mind must still be detached from reality for him to say something as laughable as that.

[fic commentary meme]

HOOO BOY HOO BOY alright. Had to reread a to get back in the ACD brain but I'll do my best >:D

Rereading this part of the chapter, I feel like I wanted to show two things: Tardif managing to set aside his pride and self-isolating tendencies for Damian's sake, and Damian accepting that in kind.

This part in particular reflects the latter: everything has changed for Damian, the faith that's kept him alive has been shaken in a way it's never been before. Tardif is the only constant he has left to hold onto: a self-proclaimed selfish man Damian's previously scorned and rejected. But he still brought Damian into the closest thing to home he has, tries to take care of him even when he's lived so much of his life hurting people. Tardif still can't reconcile this in himself, but...actions speak more than words. And Damian can't help but acknowledge that.

Despite the circumstances surrounding it, I also did just love the visual of these two bulky tough guys squished together in a tiny bed. I think Tardif ends up becoming a jetpack(gotta hold onto Damian so he doesn't get taken by the Horrors).

Admittedly, it's scenes like this in the most recent chapters I get conflicted on. It's satisfying to finally have some of these walls fall down--but sometimes I feel I softened the edges that made these two initially appealing a bit tooooo much to fit a romantic narrative. But, then again, this is all after nearly 20 chapters of buildup, soooo...hopefully it feels earned? Either way, I'm happy to hear it's a scene that stuck with you. :]

[adiosalasrosas]

NINE INCH NAILS [TRENT REZNOR] INTERVIEW:

Explains the process of writing "HURT"

What I was concerned about when I wrote the Downward Spiral record was being a self-centred destructive force. The point was tearing down everything in a search for something else. I had a little experiment in my life in my early 20s where I knew what I wanted to do but I was afraid to do it. I was afraid it wouldn’t be any good. I’d always been smart and knew I could get by. But I’d never pushed myself to see what I was capable of because I didn’t have to. Then I thought ‘what would happen if I get rid of all the shit I don’t need?’ I don’t need friends or girls or a band. It was like ‘fuck you’ and I became autonomous and turned inward and found all this hatred and ‘me against the world’ attitude.

And that hatred and isolation found expression in your music?

I found I could turn that into something. Instead of punching the wall and having my hand hurt, I could write it down. Strangely things came out of that seemed to have this catharsis. There was a beautiful element to it and it made me feel good. So I decided to keep doing that. When I wrote The Downward Spiral in 1993 I was five or six years into that experiment and it still worked.

The record was exploring a narrative about someone who systematically examines every aspect of their life and then destroys it on a path to trying to find some other solution. I’d started with that theme and fitted songs into the storyline, dealing with religion and sex and drugs and the record ended with some sort of conclusion that could have been suicide, but certainly wasn’t a positive place.

The one song on that record that doesn’t fit that description was Hurt, How did you write Hurt, which Johnny Cash famously covered…

The video he made of that song was overwhelming. When I saw it the power and beauty of music struck me in a really profound way. I was at a point in my life when I was really unsure if I was any good or if I had anything to say. The song came out of a really ugly corner of my mind and turned into something with a frail beauty. And then several years later an icon from a completely different world takes the song and juxtaposes himself into it in a way that seems more powerful to me than my own version. I was flattered as an artist and as a human being they could do that with my song. And it came at a very insecure time in my life and it felt like a nudge and boost and a hug from God. It said ‘everything’s OK and the world is bigger than what’s just in my head.’

So how did you write Hurt?

I wrote that after I thought the record was finished. It happened in a day or so and I hadn’t planned on it being on the record or on making a song as gentle or delicate or that. I was uneasy about putting it on the album because that song felt like I was saying I needed help. I wouldn’t admit that to myself but when I wrote it I felt like I was sitting in a pile of rubble and there was a hint of regret and remorse. Hurt was the first inclination for me that I could use a hand here. The Downward Spiral

album was a record all about beating everybody up – and then Hurt was like a coda saying may be I shouldn’t have done that. But to make the song sound impenetrable because I thought it was a little too vulnerable, I tried to layer it in noise.

That seems to be a bit of a theme with your work with Nine Inch Nails…

Well a lot of what I’ve done as Nine Inch Nails has been governed by fear. I was trying to keep the songs in a framework that was tough and I learnt a lot from Jesus and Mary Chain about how to bury nice pop songs in unlistenable noise – the idea being if you can get behind that wall you find there’s a pearl inside. That’s where my head was at.

What was behind the lyric when you wrote it? The ’empire of dirt’ was presumably the whole junkie lifestyle…

Interestingly enough, when I wrote the song I had no idea what was in store for me. I wrote the album about somebody who follows this path who was an extension of me. But it was in my head. I hadn’t actually lived it. Then later I lived it. I didn’t realise the record was a premonition. I was using the metaphor of drugs at the forefront of what was going on. But I wasn’t a junkie. Later I became one, but I didn’t know there was an addict in me that just hadn’t bloomed out of the dirt yet.

So that whole album became a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Yes. Oddly enough, that album began my own personal plummet into the depths of addiction and finding out my way doesn’t work and that I needed people and help every once in a while and I am human after all. That’s why the records since then have taken such a long time. On 1999’s The Fragile I was still lying to myself about what was really happening.

You developed a reputation for excess that was excessive even by rock’n’roll standards…

Even when you come to the end of a destructive phase of writing all those songs like that , it sticks with you. It’s not like I could say ‘I’m done writing, I’m now going to go out there and be normal.’ In my life I was always floating around the edge of the dark side and saying what if take it a little bit too far and who says you have to stop there and what’s behind the next door. Maybe you gain a wisdom from examining those things. But after a while you get too far down in the quicksand.

So how did you clean-up?

Very simple. In 2001 when we finished touring, I realised ‘you’re going to die unless you stop’. Your friend just died and there’s no more way forward You get your shit together or your die. It’s tough when you think you’re smart. I’d seen people and said ‘I’ll never be that fucking bad. I’m too smart to be an addict.’ Yet I became something I never thought I could be. It was a gradual realisation but there was a definite point where if I had any molecule of sanity left, I couldn’t deny what was right in front of my face.

Do you have to reach a point of self-loathing to take that decision to change?

You do loathe yourself because you’ve lost all self-respect. I remember thinking ‘What’s the point? I’ve had everything I ever wanted in my life and I’m vomiting in the sink again. How did that happen?’ So yes, I hated myself.

Is the new record, ‘Halo 19: With Teeth’, a chronicle of your recovery?

I hope it’s not that boring. I didn’t want to be preachy. But I can’t deny it was a huge thing behind the record. Every aspect of my life changed. I decided I would do anything not to be in this shape. I thought ‘let me not try to bend the rules and just take it easy and not think about making a record.’ I spent time sitting on a couch, feeling OK, reading a book, pursuing friendships and not wanting to jump out the window. I spent a couple of years just trying to feel OK with myself and not always to be in a white-knuckle state of despair. And I succeeded. I felt my whole life up until that point had been swimming against the current. I came to realise what I was fighting for didn’t make sense any more.

But how does that impact on your creativity? If you’re felling OK and pretty contended with your life, does that make for good music?

I don’t remember particularly needing to be fucked up to write music. But I don’t remember not being fucked up when I was writing music. But by the end I couldn’t write a song because I was high and I felt like my head was stuffed full of cardboard. I had nothing interesting to say. And when I started this record, which was Jan 2004, it felt like there were a million ideas stuck in my head that were finally able to come out. I found I could pursue an idea down its course, whereas before I’d get two bends down the road and I’d forget what I was doing. It was so empowering to feel I could think again. It feels pretty good to be able to look at fresh experiences with a new clarity. Because I’d lost that. I’m not just trying to be the positive ex-junkie guy and I hate to be preachy. But what I’ve gained is so much more than what I’ve had to give up.

[littlest-bugz]

Resolution ; A Sigh Of Relief

a [polyfrag] DID system's experience with resolution (functional multiplicity)

please do not bring syscourse to this post. this post is about our own personal healing journey and is not intended as advice or professional info

TWs: Isolation [heavy], abuse [heavy but not in depth], self harm mention [brief], suicidality mention [brief], unsure of other triggers

In Mid June of 2022, I was diagnosed with DID for the first of two times. Flashback to 2021. I had been in and out of therapy, in my teen years, but after researching my symptoms to try and find a proper care plan for my mental health, I ended up self diagnosing myself with BPD. The view I have always had on therapy and self diagnosis is that it doesn't take a real diagnosis to get the help you need, just use the resources that help you regardless, so I wasn't really hesitant to self diagnose myself [after research obvs]. After i self dx, I decided I would find a trauma informed DBT therapist, since I saw DBT mentioned often as treatment for people with BPD. After a while of researching, I found exactly that in my first therapist as a young adult. She was an amazing mental health professional tbh. She taught me skills that still have use today, and helped me grow, so so much. However, a year into therapy, she asked me to consider the possibility of having DID, and she asked me to reach out to my [potential] alters just to see what would happen. Ofc, I did exactly that. I made a dinky little journal for anyone to write in, as long as they used a sign off or different colored pen. That was when the flood gates opened, alters expressing themselves in the journal, and system awareness was achieved for the second time in our system's history.

Yes, you heard me, for the second time.

The first time system discovery starts for us actually starts sometime in October of 2016 [when I was 12-13]. It was the peak of my abuse, and because of that, I attempted to create an imaginary friend to have someone who knew me, just,,, period tbh. I wanted someone to know me down to my own memories because I was afraid of being alone, and I was tired of having my trauma further ignored and disregarded, even encouraged, by the adults in my life.

I was a deeply, deeply isolated kid, and had no one in my life i could trust or depend on until I was into my late teen years. I didn't have any real friends [and was, instead, abused by my peers], didn't have a family that actively cared about me, the church i was going to had and was abusing me profoundly, and the partner I had treated me like less than human. It was abuse coming from all angles, all facets, of my life. I could not escape the abuse no matter where I turned, so I turned inwards. I wanted someone, anyone who could understand me and listen, especially someone who knew what was happening to me for a fact and wouldn't gaslight every experience I had.

That's when I ''created'' 💙, but mind you, I didn't actually create him. He was, actually, his own whole dude before I ''created'' him, and he was NOT someone who would comfort me gently like I had wanted him to be. He was, instead, a sarcastic, blunt guy who only comforted me when things got actively tough. At that time, he had even fronted more than once to prevent stupid decisions I did, and it actually marked the first period of concerning black out amnesia. HOWEVER, through ''creating'' 💙, I got in contact with more of our system members [specifically 🎸,🧣,🌵 and 💤, who all are active members to this day, still fronting from time to time]. Our communication flourished back then, and everything was well documented, down to journal entries I had written about 💙's ''creation''. We had drawings and journals, which were all thrown away or deleted in 2019.

Speaking of, our communication with the system fell apart in 2019, shortly after the body's birthday [which is usually very traumatic for our system]. It was a complete host change brought on by the CEO of our system that ruined communication. It left that new host, 🐛. Confused, and without any memory of our life before then, 🐛 forgot everything about the system. Literally down to the name of 💙. All communication was cut, and all prior knowledge of our system was disposed of because our journals and drawings were thrown out by an alter who was heavily influenced by the CEO. CEO did not want us to know we were a system, and he had been dormant for years at that point. At least until he [somehow] got triggered and saw what was going on. 🐛 was the alter that later got in contact with everyone in 2021 and got us diagnosed the first time. Thankfully, the supposed creation of 💙 was what made communication pick up again smoothly, and we were, once again, a tightknit group of alters sharing a body. We're still like that, for the most part.

Our upbringing heavily impacted how we go about our recovery process, and how we will continue to recover. So when we entered therapy with a DID specialist, we had already radically accepted our systemhood after being diagnosed once. We have a very much 'your opinion of me doesn't matter to me' type of thinking, at least in regards to anyone other than a medical professional. Ofc, DID specialist was like 'yeah, I can tell lol' and diagnosed me shortly thereafter. After being diagnosed with DID a second time by the specialist, we were asked what path in recovery we wanted, and to think and talk about amongst ourselves. The big question every recovering system faces. Did we want to pursue final fusion or not?

Overwhelmingly for our system, we wanted to aim for resolution [aka functional multiplicity]. HOWEVER, there is nothing wrong with final fusion. A lot of people actually fear monger about it amongst the CDD community. So let me say that again: Final Fusion is NOT a bad thing and is a valid way to recover. Just because it is not our path doesn't mean it isn't someone else's. Here are two posts that give some decent info on Final Fusion: [post one] [post two]. I can find more if need be, but that isn't what this post is about. This is simply to reaffirm that final fusion is nothing to be scared of, and a 110% valid path of recovery. Our experience doesn't align with final fusion, but since I mentioned it briefly, I thought I would talk about it for a second.

Fusion moment aside, We have, since mid 2022 for sure, felt like we don't have a solid host, and we have always felt that way because of the cycle of hosts. The body holds a good number of us, that's for sure, and because of how many of us there are, we have no solid one host. There are frequent fronters, sure, but nobody is a host in the traditional, typically talked about sense. For this reason, we feel that we have no core alter [which we don't, unsurprisingly], and we found it unfair to each other that we take away our freedom to express ourselves as alters. Like yeah, we are parts of a whole, but there was never a 'core' individual. There was never an 'original'. We were pretty much destined to form DID. It is what it is, but because of that, we feel we don't have an alter from which all the others split from. I'm just a collective of parts that never even had the chance to connect to each other. Most of us feel so individual from each other because we were a highly partitionary system with no memory sharing or knowledge of each other. I honestly think if what happened in 2016 didn't happen, I would've only known my system through the 2021 diagnosis, and it would not have been as easy to pick communication back up. Things are wildly different now in regards to amnesiac barriers, but when we did find each other, we were our own people expressing ourselves through different [covert] means.

Due to feeling so separated and individualistic, Resolution was, ultimately, the best decision for our system, and since having made this decision and began recovery, our life has actually become something worth living, if that makes sense. I mean Internally and mentally. We function together as a team, and it's a great thing to witness tbh. It's taken a lot of hard work with a lot of disagreements in system, but for a life time ahead of me, it's worth it. I'm finally starting to love all of me, all of us. It's been hard, so incredibly hard, and we still don't always get along. There are still disagreements, votes that spark heated discussions, but that's just what happens when you're sharing a body with so many folks.

Of course, u see me use I/Me pronouns because we all acknowledge the body and the role it has in our collective life. When I say I, when I say me, it is the acknowledgement of the body's role in our life. The Body is the part of us that makes us whole, what we live through, and what makes us a team and family [in-sys family members at least because as a whole we don't see each other as family]. We are so incredibly grateful for the body and the collective Identity we live through. It is a sigh of relief to finally have come this far into our healing where things are finally getting better for us. I'm healing all parts of me, and I am authentically myself by being a system. We love the life we live finally. Even if we're still living with abusers, we know that once we're out of here, it's the final step to our trauma recovery and what will make us free to be ourselves.

Trauma is bound to happen again in my lifetime, re-traumatization will happen too. I'm young [for an adult at least], and, like I mentioned briefly, I'm still in an abusive situation. For this reason, we are learning to cope with day to day stress, as well as preparing our coping tool box for future traumas. At this stage in our healing, we have attained near entire co-consciousness, and have learned to share daily and important memories or notes from alter to alter, subsystem to subsystem. Sometimes its just one fronter and the CEO or the whole Crew and Co., yet CEO makes sure things get to everyone. No longer do we live our day to day confused on what's happened, what our past is and who we are, if we've eaten, taken our meds, showered, if we have an appointment ect. Now when switches happen, things are not confusing, and smooth with no sort of amnesiac barrier. Afterall, a good 97% of us are co-con in some capacity, and even then, we're able to memory share day to day memories. It's like whoever is best equipped to deal with a situation fronts.

Some of us don't want to share our trauma memories with each other entirely due to it's intensity, so we instead talk about it amongst ourselves and make peace with our trauma that way [with the help of our therapist]. It's like group therapy lol. Most of us are just content with the knowledge of not fully knowing everything, and having worked in trauma recovery for years now, our past traumas affects our day to day a lot less [any disruptions now are from the collective disorders we have and our living situation]. The peace that comes from being okay with not knowing is relieving, and the alters who hold the bulk of the trauma have started to work through their traumas.

Sharing trauma memories in our system can cause body and other kinds of flashbacks, panic and extreme distress, and can even trigger self harm and suicidality in some of our alters. Almost always, with trauma memories, its more than one alter getting triggered. I like to think of it like sculk sensors from Minecraft [minecraft moment]. When one is triggered, nearby alters in front and co-con get triggered like a wave effect, but it has a lot to due with similar types of traumas or being fragments of the same trauma. It doesn't stop it from happening. What we've done is worked on helping trauma holders cope and making them 'unstuck' in the trauma. Memory Sharing with trauma was once, and still is to an extent, dangerous for us, but the memory sharing via talking with each other, rather than give up the memories themselves, has caused us to even out and begin to work through the actual trauma, work through everything we have been through. It may sound flawed, but it works for us.

After having achieved a grasp on resolution, we've taken notice to our collective disorders and experiences, like our psychosis symptoms [from an unknown origin] and OCD. A lot of what we thought were persecutors ended up being our OCD, so things got quieter in that way. This helped us to work on those mental health problems and cultivate a further sense of peace. We also were able to start to work on other therapy methods that cater to our flavor of personality disorder. Achieving Resolution to even the degree we have has been phenomenal, and it only gets better from here once we reach full resolution.

None of this is to say resolution will or should be your path in healing, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. This is our experience with our healing journey, and nothing is the same from CDD system to CDD system. I just wanted to post and ramble about my progress because I am proud of myself and our progress!!! Obviously, I am not a representative for anyone other than myself. It's just so nice to be able to actually see my progress, see our progress. I also feel like I don't see many people talk about late stage DID recovery in any way, resolution or final fusion. Honestly, its even nice to just label our progress as being in late stage recovery. I'm glad to be me, as a system, while also dancing my way down the path of healing [lol].

Not sure if anyone is curious, but I'm always open to answering questions about my experiences with resolution as a polyfrag DID system. nothing intrusive about trauma, but I'm down to talk about the aspects of resolution and stuff. Just know I'm not a psychiatrist or other professional, and I don't speak for any other system but my own.

[bestbro-kun]

• cannot kill yourself...

POPULAR GUY X SHY READER

this is for all genders!

Synopsis: You are a person without friends, with a not-so-good family, half tsundere, struggling with studies, and longing for isolation. Evan is a popular, outgoing, and friendly guy. You constantly have suicidal thoughts, and Evan wants to help you.

⚠️ this story contains:

-suicidal behavior

-soft violence

Evan is popular, very smart, gets good grades in everything, is on the football team, is strong, and sometimes a bit foolish. He can be impulsive and cruel at times, but he has a good heart.

On the other hand, you are a friendless teen, a bit shy, hate talking to others, have average grades, find it hard to pay attention, often hide to avoid attention, constantly have self-destructive thoughts, yet have a good heart.

Today, you went to school as usual, feeling depressed because you got a bad grade on your latest math test – a subject you despise. Evan noticed and became concerned. Minutes later, he found you in the halls, approached you, and, despite your irritation, you also felt nervous.

– "Hey... I've noticed your math grades dropped. Do you want my help?" Evan asks with a friendly voice, trying not to make you uncomfortable.

– "Um, n-no thanks. Sorry, I'm in a hurry..." You say before escaping and leaving school, heading to a nearby park, to a secluded area.

In the park, you cry uncontrollably, wondering why life has to be so tough.

– "If only I could be alone forever... if I could escape and create a place that's my own wolrd..." You murmur to yourself.

You wipe your tears and lie down on the grass, gazing at the blue sky, finding solace in watching it, regardless of its color or time. You love getting lost in it, imagining your perfect life – living alone, without friends or family interference, working from home. That's your dream life.

Later, you go home to your somewhat annoying family but manage to endure. In your room, you write in your diary about how much you hate your life, wanting complete isolation, feeling inadequate as a friend or partner, despising your appearance, intellect, and everything about your life. However, deep down, you desire a partner, but you believe it would be unfair to waste someone else's time. Either way, you convince yourself you're not missing out on anything. Eventually, you fall asleep.

The next day, you wake up and get ready for school. Fortunately, your family is visiting your grandmother in the neighboring city, leaving you alone at home, a rare occurrence that brings you joy. After a simple breakfast, an apple, you head to school, but today seems too good for classes. So, you decide to go to the park, lie on the grass, and enjoy the spring, cherries falling from the trees. Feeling good, you end up falling asleep. Hours later, you wake up; it's still early, everything is the same, and your miserable life continues. You're fed up with life, and suicide doesn't seem like a bad idea. Walking towards a bridge, you contemplate the edge, water below, and everything seems serene. Suicide doesn't seem so bad after all. You lean over to get a better view and start climbing the railing to jump, but Evan sees you, he was walking down the streets, towards his house, but he saw you trying to kill yourself, he wouldn't allow that.

Evan runs towards you, grabs you by the waist, and pulls you back. Both of you fall to the ground; your instinct is to run, fight, and escape, but Evan hugs you tightly, it is clear that you can't do anything, he's stronger than you.

– "No! Let me go! Leave me alone!" You yell while trying to break free from Evan's grip without success.

– "Stop it! You can't do this!" Evan exclaims before covering your mouth with his hand to silence you.

-"I'll let you go, but you must promise not to hurt yourself again..." Evan whispers with concern, and you nod in response, he removes his hand from your mouth.

Evan releases you; both stand up. You're flushed, nervous, and angry. Why did Evan interfere? Everything seems horrible, and tears stream down your face. Evan approaches, kisses you on the head, and you blush more.

– "You're important to me, you're valuable, you can't do this... nobody should.." Evan insists.

– "Just leave me alone!" You shout.

You run away, but he follows. In about 3 minutes, you reach your house near the park, realizing Evan followed you, determined not to leave you alone. You bow your head shyly; he opens the door, and both enter. You knew he wouldn't leave you alone; for some reason, he thinks you're valuable.

– "If you ever try to hurt yourself again, I'll have to take extreme measures. Please, you know you're valuable. It's you – so beautiful, sweet, and lovely. You deserve to live." Evan says with a soft tone.

– "Okay... I understand..." You say timidly.

You go to your room, lie down, and rest a bit. You cried about how horrible your life is but promised to be strong. You decide to write in your diary about the crap that happened today, take it from under the bed, but just as Evan enters and sees it, he decides to leave. You take a bath, and while you're in there, he goes to your room and reads your diary, wanting to understand your self-esteem issues to help. He realizes you genuinely hate your life.

Evan leaves the room and goes downstairs. He starts preparing dinner. After you finish bathing, you come down, and he serves dinner. You eat as if nothing happened.

Later, you go back to your room, take a bath, get ready for bed. But before you go to sleep, Evan enters the room, gives you a kiss on the cheek. You blush, but you go to bed anyway, signaling Evan to leave. However, he ignores your request and lies down with you.

He hugs you, providing comfort. Both of you stay silent and eventually fall asleep.

– "To me, you are valuable..." He says as he hugs you, and falls deeply asleep with you.

©bestbro-kun — I do not allow plagiarism of my work, your support is appreciated.

[thebean-17]

tw: relationship abuse, suicidal stuff, just overall dark shit

I've come to realize I've been in a bunch of relationships and situations that weren't healthy for me, the other people involved, or ever the situation itself. Overall a total shitshow.

The way it cut through my skin, sinking its grime in and blinding me with its poison. It was utter hell. No one should make you feel like a burden, but that's how I felt around certain people. I felt responsible for their happiness and emotions. It was exhausting, always worrying about them and using all my energy to care for them (I was pretty young and still figuring things out, especially while dealing with my own traumas.

I've dealt with people who take your trust and use it against you. They flip everything around, so they're the only one who's hurt, and you're just being too sensitive. They'll be super sweet one minute, then completely dismiss you the next. And when things get really dark, they'll make threats about harming themselves or you, or push you to self-destruct. Encouraging you to go through with "ending it." They'll dictate, like truly dictate on what you should or should not do, isolate you from your friends and family, or their own friends. Talk shit behind your back. Pin all the blame on how it's all my fault because I was the one that chose to act a certain way, or chose to react negatively to how they were treating me. They'd try to convince me to be okay with certain behaviours when I expressed that I obviously was not.

I've noticed that whenever I speak up about something that's not okay, they get really upset and shut down, sometimes going silent for days. They make me out to be the bad guy, saying I'm too sensitive or calling me an "asshole." It's like they're avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. Then they downplay it, saying they were just joking or didn't mean it. It felt like a constant nightmare.

Even when you reach out to friends, they might think it was just a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Some might even believe you deserved it or that there was a good reason for their reaction, thinking whatever you did warranted the abuse, or that you were the one that was antagonizing it, even if you explained the full context.

I've had to cut out a lot of people because of all this stuff I've mentioned. It wasn't fun and got lonely at times, but it was a relief not to deal with them anymore. I really feel for anyone who's been through this. It's tough, and leaving those situations safely is hard. But in the end, it's worth it. Taking time to heal and giving yourself the patience and respect you didn't get from others makes a HUGE fucking difference.

Keep in mind, I am still learning and processing things. It is absolutely okay to do so. Whether it be with a therapist, a really good and close friend, and or by yourself. Don't think you have to go through everything alone. I personally had to go through therapy to process a lot of bullshit but also to figure out ways to properly debrief myself. Or use the tools I was provided for coping through things.

[the-gateway-to-madness]

I was asked for more. More it is!

Jack being forced to be the leader/voice of reason is an ooooold favorite. We see in ROTG that he's perfectly capable of being serious and just chooses not to a lot of the time; imagine him instinctively stepping up and taking charge because these are kids, and he needs to take care of the kids, it's who he is! Imagine him keeping a lighthearted attitude through everything, Hiccup and eventually even Rapunzel pushing back because there's just so much to deal with- and Merida being the one to read Jack and realize this is his form of being strong for them. Her staying cheery and adventurous too because she's as tough as she is freedom- and fun-loving and she respects Jack for holding out.

In the same vein, Rapunzel and Hiccup talking and going to talk to Jack about how they think he needs to deal with how crappy things actually feel, only to find him with a small, sluggish snowstorm aroumd himself, hood up and face in his arms. Hiccup snaps a twig, and Jack is instantly alert, hood off, prepared for a threat. He relaxes and jumps right into cheery "hey guys what did you need?" and hiccup and rapunzel are like "ah, we have Radically Misunderstood"

Rapunzel and Hiccup having all sorts of misperception-of-others issues because both grew up pretty isolated

Merida actually becoming pretty good at reading people after everything she went through in Brave and bossing the others around in public settings, so Jack can lead them more gently and actually be productive, since Hiccup and Rapunzel are both so stubborn

Jack using self-deprecating humor like a modern kid and getting horrified looks from the others and he has to be like "oh right- time discrepancy this is normal for my era sorry guys"

Jack regularly wrangling Rapunzel by hooking his staff around her waist and yoinking her away from danger or sketchy situations "no rapunzel he does not need help he is scamming people to blackmail them for money, just watch" "that's terrible! We should stop him!" *points* "and if you look in that alley you'll see the backup he brought who will step in if we interfere-"

Jack being really good at riddles because it was a good way to entertain himself for 300 years and he learned tons of em, so he tells them while they're traveling for long monotonous stretches, or telling them bout the places he's seen, and the other spirits he's met

Rapunzel singing just all the time as they travel through a forest to keep herself busy and Merida and Hiccup getting tired of it, so she stops- only for Jack to start singing and just blatantly exaggerating it, clearly just having fun with old traveling tunes and drinking songs he's heard, until Rapunzel is trying to sing along through laughter and even Merida has joined in despite not usually enjoying singing but it's just too dorky and energetic to resist

Likewise, Jack being more suited to quiet songs and lullabies than Rapunzel (and also sleeping less, so he can keep singing when she zonks out) and singing the others to sleep like he did for his younger siblings when he was human- old ones like Homeward Bound and The Parting Glass and also new ones like Taylor Swift's Safe and Sound

Jack being willing to try pretty much any food and immediately popping strange dishes in his mouth when the others show signs of hesitation, just utterly unfazed (he tries haggis and everything! He doesn't like it but he doesn't gag either!)

Merida saving the others from a wild animal that startled them, maybe a boar (though none of them carry spears so that'd have to be a really lucky precision shot probably), and Rapunzel being horrified while Jack, Hiccup, and Merida are just like "nice, free meal!"

Jack making jokes about being The Peasantry and teasing the others for their various statuses- all in good fun, of course, and Merida absolutely joins in and pretends to be snooty and they both end up dissolving into laughter

Rapunzel and Merida, in their own ways, reminding Jack of Mary

Jack knowing both the modern theories of the causes of phantom pain and ways to help reduce it, and helping Hiccup with some exercises from time to time

Can you tell jack is my favorite rip

Anyway, Rapunzel actually freaking hurting her feet somehow because the fact she hasn't in either the show or the movie feels like manic pixie propaganda, and Merida and Hiccup making all sorts of comments about not wearing shoes, and Jack looking at Hiccup's leg and silently making a face when he's not looking because making the comment he wants to ("Yeah, shoes seem to have protected your feet real well there") would Not be cool

The kids making dead Jack jokes (he started it)

Platonic dynamics I want to see more in the (tiny) Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons fandom:

Jack being like an older brother to Hiccup and sort of seeing an older version of Jamie in him and not scoffing at how nerdy he is ("holy crap you MADE this? Man show me how it works!!")

Rapunzel post-her-movie being all gung-ho and cheery, and Merida trying to get her to stop being so naïve, only for Rapunzel to calmly list all the ways she was betrayed and abused throughout her adventures (and you'd only have to go through the canon events of the movie and show to make this work, btw, girl's been through STUFF) and tells Merida she is upbeat and kind because she chooses to believe that most people are good, because so many people stuck with her through so much and so many people came back to her after betraying her. And Merida is like "well dang ok, wanna learn to shoot a bow"

Jack being calm, responsible, and protective of the others without becoming too angsty in the process- playing harmless little pranks to bring everyone's spirits up, that sort of thing

Merida being annoyed by Jack at first, but it's because she misses her brothers, not because she categorically dislikes the pranks. She tells Jack this and he asks her to join him doing pranks. She has much more fun after this.

Rapunzel is good at many things, but not so much inventing, as we see in TTS; her trying to assist Hiccup and him being good-natured about it but entirely accidentally outclassing her

Jack very deliberately keeping his past and loneliness to himself, and the others figuring out something's off because they never catch him sleeping, he's pensive when he's not interacting with them, he's got such wide and extensive experience, and he starts admitting bits and pieces like "I'm older than I look" etc etc

Jack never openly getting angry with the kids because they're kids and he's a Guardian, so instead when one of them is upset or trying to pick a fight with him, his staff will glow brighter or it'll get cloudier or windier or snowier- his magic responds, but Jack refuses to, making his calm all the more scary.

Jack being the first to realize Rapunzel has been through Stuff and sitting down with her when the other two are asleep "what happened to you?" entirely gently and patiently because HE'S A GOOD BIG BROTHER DANGIT I WANT THIS SIDE OF HIM TO SHOW MORE-

Hiccup worrying/getting upset/doing that I Have To Stand Alone thing and Rapunzel approaching him like "you're not the only one who grew up alone, you know. It's okay to rely on us, we won't let you down"

Hiccup doing the I Have To Stand Alone thing in general cause I don't see that a lot in crossovers or at least the arts

The others finding Jack in weird places because super-balance go brr

Jack being reluctant to touch any of the kids for any reason because he doesn't want to see the way they treat him change once they realize how cold and inhuman he really is

Merida recognizing Jack immediately as the only other obviously competent fighter by the way he moves (she was raised around all manner of warriors and guards, after all) and immediately setting about allying herself with him because Heaven knows they all need as much protection as they can get

Merida helping Hiccup to have a moment like he has in the HTTYD books where he realizes he's actually a really amazing swordfighter when he actually uses his dominant hand

Hiccup and Rapunzel asking Merida and Jack what siblings are like

Jack just treating them all like his little siblings

Jack and Merida gathering ingredients together and, depending on the region, Jack teaching Merida the safe local vegetation and herbs because he's been everywhere. Also, Jack teaching the others how to cook with local ingredients

Jack knowing a lot about herbal medicine and helping and teaching the others

After much internal deliberation, Jack choosing Hiccup to hold his staff while he takes care of two-handed tasks

Jack knowing how to style hair because of Mary, and he and Merida helping Rapunzel tame her hair

[askinkiskarma]

So I am scrolling tumblr and then found you respond to an anon asking about your Phd. I can't help but to think "HOW COME YOU BECOME PHD CANDIDATE AND STILL HAVE TIME TO BRING THOSE GREAT STORIES?" I am currently struggling for my master degree and already feel drained everyday and have no life other than that. So if you don't mind, could you share how you balance your study with life? Thank you. And I wish you are doing great with your study 🥰

Omg bestie I love you for this ask for real 🫶🏻!! First of all, massive congratulations on doing your masters, mine took everything out of me ngl, I was working 14 hours a day to keep up with the course work load, so I completely get you and I'm so proud of you!!! In a lot of ways, honestly, my masters was a lot harder on me than my PhD is, at least up until a couple months ago.

I’ve always been a very big advocate for work life balance, I refuse to be one of those people who forsakes their own mental and physical health for what at the end of the day, is a job. It’s a bit controversial, especially in academia, but I’m fortunate enough to also have a supervisor who, as long as I do my work and do it well, she allows me those boundaries.

Now, having said all of that, unfortunately I have not been the best model for balance when it comes to my work AND writing. I have had a tough few months if i’m being completely honest, bc work has been crazy, I used to work about 6 full days a week for my phd and then spend pretty much the rest of my time, every free minute I had writing or thinking about writing, so it was getting pretty bad there for a while. During when Illicit Affairs/The Archer really picked up pace and engagement and my chapters started being like 10k each, i was sleeping like 3 hours a night trying to do it all, and it was not a good time.

So I think my advice is DON'T do what I did, cause it is absolutely not sustainable. What I do now, is just take each day as it comes. Some days I'm a bit freer at work, sometimes I'll even write in between incubations steps, but if not, I just write whenever inspiration strikes and I make it a point to go to bed at an appropriate time, so I feel rested in the morning. I write mostly in the weekends now, as it's become such a comforting ritual, just go to a cafe, have some breakfast and just write. Just give yourself grace and try to make it a point to have some time to nurture your relationships and your hobbies. Maybe schedule in a few hours a week for just purely self-indulgence 🥰? I know very well how isolating education can be, and the older I get the more I wish I took some time for myself every once in a while, and just went for a walk, went to a movie with a friend, took myself out on a date, literally anything but stress about grades.

Good luck and please don't hesitate to drop me an ask or a chat message, I'm always free for my besties xoxoxo

[hezuart]

Mono and 1.) Dynamics?

Headcanon Ask game:

DYNAMICS. Which one do you find the most comforting? Most intriguing? Is there a particular set that you would like to explore more?

Dynamics in terms of character: Mono is a very tough kid. He's strong, but not very fast, which means he can fall behind. When he sets his mind to something, he does all he can to accomplish it. He may perhaps, be very lonely deep down. He may also know the world is harsh, and because of this hardship, he extends a hand of kindness to those around him. (Even as the Thin Man, he gives Six the beloved music box, along with the room full of toys to entertain her) Though he is not afraid to defend himself and others (attacking the bullies, and killing the Hunter) Because of his potential amnesia, the only thing he knows, is the signal emitting from the tower. Ever committed, he rescues his previous self, only to doom his current self. A tragic hero of his own story. A little offtopic, I find Mono's isolating circumstances odd at the end of the story. The thin man could manipulate the tower, could he not? The thin man went through the tv screens in the past to collect children, did he not? He conjured himself a plain, dull room with a chair... and perhaps new clothes... you truly expect me to believe he didn't try to entertain himself over the course of what, 7 decades plus? It's too strange. What on Earth is the signal tower beast, and who has control over whom? The missing information eats away at my sanity

Dynamics in terms of relationships:

Previously mentioned Mono and Seven's dynamic: Seven and Mono are both highly empathetic and value teamwork and companionship. Despite RK's parallels with Six, their actions make them different people; and Mono would take to Seven/RK more than Six, had they met.

Mono & Six: Mono is very attentive to Six and always comes back to rescue her. He is a very open, trusting person, while she is the opposite, very skittish and cautious. Overtime, they become good friends, both protecting each other and helping each other. Six starts to show her sadistic side by snapping a bullies' head and also snapping the fingers on the mannequin hand; however, to be fair, the bullies kidnapped and hurt her (and whether the bullies are even alive or not is the question; along with some bullies being able to... survive?? With only partial heads?) and the Mannequin hand wasn't attached to any living body part, which means she really isn't hurting anyone, and also, who wouldn't snap fingers considering actual tiny hands were attacking Mono throughout the hospital? She's taking steps to ensure an advantage if they come to life as far as I'm concerned... (and hey... its a way to pass the time ahaha)

Six opening up to Mono. Even when he hides (he's actually in pain, when the Thin Man kidnaps Six; he is unable to help her in that moment) she reaches out to him through the tv, actively trying to escape on her own and calls to him for help. Even when she becomes a monster, she recognizes Mono's voice and scent, offering to share her room and her music box with him.

It isn't until Mono attacks her music box, destroying her peaceful illusion, that she betrays him. As to why she did such a petty, awful thing, is still unclear. We don't know the context of that music box. I highly doubt she realized he was the thin man; especially if he came back to rescue her. And if her glitching remains and hunger have anything to do with her sudden decision and attitude change... that too remains a mystery... (and Six's glitching remains following Mono, leading him above... and also seeming to have a mind of her own? what's tha' all abou'??????????? hello??? so many unanswered questions.)

But it is my firm belief that Six and Mono were friends. But everything changed in that radio tower.

Mono & Yellow Raincoat girl is again tough to say, because she doesn't have a personality, but she does collect jack in the boxes, so maybe she likes toys? Maybe that's something they would like. To play together. Maybe because she has a braid and a pony tail band, she could make him a friendship bracelet? He'd be fond of that.

Mono & the DLC kids. Mono would get along with the DLC kids I think. He'd want to collect and save as many people as possible. Recovering and perhaps reuniting them with their glitching remains. He'd feel a sense of fulfillment, and perhaps even redemption, if he knew the Thin Man was at fault, (and if he knew the Thin Man was a version of himself.)

[lokiondisneyplus]

Yes, Loki series director Kate Herron knows about your fan theory about the show, the analysis you posted to social media. No, she won’t tell you what she thinks about it, or whether you were right.

“I follow all the conversations on Twitter,” Herron told Polygon in an interview shortly after Loki’s season 1 finale. “I don’t always weigh in on them, because I made the show, so they don’t want me weighing in like, ‘Actually, guys…’ I think that’s the whole point of art — it should be up for debate and discussion.”

[Ed. note: Spoilers ahead for season 1 of Loki.]

Loki has been a hit for streaming service Disney Plus — episode 6 of the show, the final installment for this season, was reportedly watched by more households than any of the platform’s MCU finales to date. The series has been a popular source of fan conjecture and argument, with one particularly big rolling conversation focusing on whether the budding romantic relationship between trickster Asgardian Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and his alternate-universe counterpart Sylvie (Sophia Di Martino) is a form of incest.

Herron is willing to speak up about that one. “My interpretation of it is that they’re both Lokis, but they aren’t the same person,” she says. “I don’t see them as being like brother and sister. They have completely different backgrounds […] and I think that’s really important to her character. They sort of have the same role in terms of the universe and destiny, but they won’t make the same decisions.”

Herron says thematically, Loki falling for Sylvie is an exploration of “self-love,” but only in the sense that it’s Loki learning to understand his own motives and integrity. “[The show is] looking at the self and asking ‘What makes us us?’” Herron says. “I mean, look at all the Lokis across the show, they’re all completely different. I think there’s something beautiful about his romantic relationship with Sylvie, but they’re not interchangeable.”

Directing the final kiss between the two characters was a complicated process because it had to communicate something about each of them over the course of just a few seconds. Herron says the primary goal was creating a safe, comfortable environment for Hiddleston and Di Martino, and after that, she had to think about how to bring across Loki and Sylvie’s conflicting goals in that moment.

“It’s an interesting one, right?” she says. “Emotionally, from Sylvie’s perspective, I think it’s a goodbye. But it’s still a buildup of all these feelings. They’ve both grown through each other over the last few episodes. It was important to me that it didn’t feel like a trick, like she was deceiving him. She is obviously doing that, on one hand, but I don’t feel the kiss is any less genuine. I think she’s in a bad place, but her feelings are true.”

Herron says directing Hiddleston in the scene mostly came down to discussing the speech Loki gives Sylvie before the kiss. “That was really important, showing this new place for Loki,” Herron says. “In the first episode, he’s like, ‘I want the throne, I want to rule,’ and by episode 6, he isn’t focused on that selfish want. He just wants her to be okay.”

Loki writer and producer Eric Martin recently tweeted that he wished the show had been able to focus more time on two of its secondary characters, Owen Wilson’s Time Variance Authority agent Mobius M. Mobius, and Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s Ravonna Renslayer. “I wanted to explore her more deeply and really see their relationship,” he says, “But covid got in the way and we just didn’t have time.”

Asked if Loki and Sylvie’s relationship suffered from similar necessary edits, Herron says it’s true that the show’s creators and audience still don’t know everything Sylvie went through to make her so different from the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s original version of Loki. “We’ve seen her as a child, but she’s lived for thousands and thousands of years, in apocalypses on the run,” she says. “I think there’s so much more to delve into with Sylvie […] You’re filling in the blanks. You see [her on the planet] Lamentis, and it’s horrific. And you’re like, “Well, what kind of person would she be, growing up in apocalypses? What kind of personality would that give her?”

Herron says Sylvie’s backstory actually reminds her of the 1995 movie Jumanji, where a young boy is sucked into a magical board game in 1969, and emerges 26 years later as a full-grown man, played by with typical manic energy by Robin Williams. “It’s such a weird reference, but…” she says. “He’s a little boy when he ends up captive in that game, and when he comes out, it’s obviously been a life experience. With Sylvie, it’s similar. She was a child when she had to go on the run, so she’s had a very difficult life. I would love to see more of it. As Eric said, she’s a rich character, there’s so much to be explored.”

Herron says, though, that during her time on the show, material about Sylvie was added rather than cut — specifically, those scenes of her as a child, being kidnapped by the TVA. “This was before my time, but I know in the writers’ room, there were lots of avenues exploring Sylvie on the run and what her life was like,” Herron says. “I wouldn’t want to speak more to those, because I wasn’t there when they were being discussed. But something wasn’t in there that was important to me — I felt we should see her [history] in the TVA. Me and the team were talking about how it made complete sense, because episode 4 is all about twisting the idea that the TVA might be good on its head. And so that’s something that came in later, once I joined, was seeing her as a child. I think we needed to see that, not to understand her completely, but to get an idea of her motivations, why she’s so angry at this place.”

Talking more broadly about the series finale, Herron says the last few episodes weren’t as heavily referential as the first episodes, which she intended as “a love letter to sci-fi.” While early images like the TVA’s interrogation rooms had specific visual references from past science fiction, episode 6’s locations were drawn more from collaborations with the crew.

“The idea of the physical timeline being circular, our storyboard artists came up with that,” Herron says. “I had in the scripts, ‘We move through space to the end of time,” and then me and [storyboard artist Darrin Denlinger] discussed how we could play with the idea of time, while also adding MCU nods. He was like, ‘What if the timeline is circular?’ I think that’s such a striking image, like the Citadel at the End of Time is the needle on a record player. I just thought that was such a cool image, but it wasn’t necessarily taken from anything.”

Episode 6 focuses heavily on the mysterious figure He Who Remains and his citadel, a space she says was largely conceived by production designer Kasra Farahani. “I remember he brought in the art of the Citadel, and I thought it was beautiful,” Herron says. “He said, ‘The Citadel has been carved from an actual meteorite,’ which I thought was such an inspired idea. And He Who Remains’ office is the only finished portion of it.”

She says there are only a few direct homages in episode 6, including the zoom shot through space, which directly referenced a similar sequence in Robert Zemeckis’ 1997 film Contact.

“And then I have my Teletubbies reference for episode 5,” Herron says. “I wanted the Void to feel like an overgrown garden, like a kind of forgotten place. And I realized I’d pitched it as the British countryside. I remember trying to explain it to ILM, who did the visual effects, and saying, ‘Oh, you know, it’s like the Teletubbies. It’s just rolling hills, but they go on forever.’ That actually was quite a helpful reference in the end, which is funny.”

Asked for her favorite set memory from shooting the season, Herron says it comes down to Tom Hiddleston starting a mania for physical exertion before takes. “Sometimes he runs around set to get himself in the right mindset before he performs,” she says. “He does pushups. You know, you’re going into an action scene, you want to look like you’ve just been running. And it became infectious across all the cast. We’ve got so much footage of — I think Jack [Veal] ended up doing it, who plays Kid Loki. I’ve got [shots of] him and Sophia doing pushups and squats, just to get ready. It was so funny watching that echo across all the cast. I think all of them ended up doing those exercises with him at some point. It was so funny.”

“That might be my favorite set story, but it’s honestly, not a sweet one,” she adds. “I would say my favorite thing is his enthusiasm. He’s a very kind empathetic person. We were filming this in quite tough circumstances, a lot of people were far from home and isolating, and he brought this warmth and energy and joy to the set every day. And I think that made everyone feel very safe and very bonded. I’m forever grateful to him for doing that.”

[aphrostarot]

Who Are You Pick a Pile

How are you seen by your friends, family, you, and society? How do you want to be seen and who are you actually?

Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading you can click here. There I have my shop where I offer all of my readings. Or you can dm me with what you'd like.

*Please read before you pick a pile*

I say spirit when I am channeling and writing out your readings, if you do not believe in spirit that is totally okay, this message is still meant for you if you feel that it is! Whatever you believe in is valid and you can ignore when I say spirit if you don't believe in it or, replace it with whoever you believe is giving you this message. If you have any questions or you just want to talk about this feel free to dm me!

Pile One (Rose Quartz):

How do your friends see you?

Three of Wands: In this specific deck the three of wands is depicted as a long journey ahead, one that you are just starting. That being said, this would mean that your friends see you as someone who is starting a journey, maybe of self-discovery, a career journey, spiritual journey, etc. Your friends see you as someone strong, knows what they want, and is driven to get that.

The Avenger: The Avenger is made, not born. Her state of mind evolved from a primal desire for vengeance - and she has the drive to carry it out by whatever means necessary. The Avenger is distinguished by her ability to weaponize her innate knowledge and her surroundings and forgoes other elements of her personality until justice is served. In revenge films, the Avenger functions as karma personified - and her payback is defined by its symbolic, poetic flourish. Your friends think you’re strong and that you are someone who has fought to become who they are and will continue to fight until they become who they want to be.

How does your family see you?

Five of Pentacles: This card represents poverty, a great loss. Your family sees you as someone who has lost a lot and is currently in a dark place, in a low. They think that you are going through a tough time. You have lost a lot and that you need help.

The Goth: The Goth lives in a romantic world of horror and death. In genre fiction, the Goth often finds herself as the keeper of a mystical secret, an explorer of unholy ground, or an unknowing link to the realm of the dead. She often makes her home in a remote, decaying property, and her solitude allows for her to fully embrace every instance of terror. While the Goth’s inquisitive nature and innate resolve allow her to stand up against corrupt forces, both human and supernatural, she may also allow herself to be seduced by dark passions. This is how your family sees you, as someone who has accepted the darkness and is not willing to come out. They also see you as someone who wants to go against the grain and does their own thing.

How do you see you?

The Sun: Happiness is the meaning of this card. You see yourself as someone who is happy, successful, optimistic, and confident. You feel like you have this warm energy surrounding you, yellow may resonate with you. You feel like you are a light in a lot of people’s lives like you are the person people go to when they need someone to brighten their mood.

Two of Pentacles: The primary meaning of this card is, balance and all things that come with it such as; adaption, flexibility, and resourcefulness. Again, you view yourself as someone who is resourceful, the person that others go to when they need help. You feel as though you have your life in check, you know what you want and how you’re going to get it. You feel like you are good at balancing things and keeping everything in order.

The Muse: The Muse speaks to the soul. In fiction, the Muse is a woman who embodies the spirit of a particular moment so much that she’s upheld as an inspiration. While the Muse may be kept as a source of personal inspiration for an artist, her life is an artistic expression in itself. She may exude an attitude, philosophy, or appearance that makes her emblematic of lifelong creative or romantic partnerships. Even if her je ne sais quoi is short-lived, her impact can be crystallized forever. You think you are the person who is an inspiration to the people around you, that people center their lives and pursuits off of what you have done and continue to do.

How does society see you?

Seven of Pentacles: This is the card of growth, of hard work paying off after some planning. Society sees you as someone who has gone through a lot and has grown from that, that you’ve planned the way you want your life to go and that you execute those plans. You do everything you need to in order to get to where you want to be.

The Spinster: The Spinster is unbothered. In romance fiction, the Spinster is a woman who has remained single past the age deemed desirable, and as such is typically childless. The Spinster’s isolation from traditional domestic roles of wife and mother makes her solitary life a source of speculation and projected anxiety. The Spinster is generally used to caution young women against the dead-end of an unmarried life, and her solitude is seen as a consequence of curdled femininity. Whether by choice or not, the Spinster has the ability to rely solely on herself. Society views you as an independent person, someone who doesn’t need anyone, someone who chooses to be single because they don’t need anyone other than themselves to make them happy.

How do you want to be seen?

The Hermit: This is the card of solitude, of self-reflection. Meaning, you want to be seen as someone who is independent, working on themselves, and growing. You may like the idea of people viewing you as a hard-working self-indulgent person, a person who keeps to themselves and has persevered through everything thrown their way. Someone who makes their life work and has gotten what they want because they worked for it.

The Earth Mother: The Earth Mother is in sync with her environment. In genre film, the Earth Mother represents a connection to the terrestrial, often by rejecting modernity and embracing life in nature. She may present as a hippie who prioritizes the health of the environment, or as the maternal figure in a commune, offering motherly guidance to those seeking a more pastoral life. She may also be upheld as a symbol of growth, harvest, or fertility, and possess a mystical connection to the secrets of the natural world. You very much may want to be seen as someone with cottage core energy.

Who are you actually?

Nine of Wands: You are someone who has a lot of emotional baggage from your upbringing or previous relationships. This makes you a people-pleaser who wants others to like you because, deep down, you feel unworthy. Therefore, you’re the type of person who others walk over and take advantage of. On the opposite end of the scale, you could be unwilling to let anyone into your inner circle. You do not trust easily and are suspicious of others. The Nine of Wands, however, is a sign that your mistrust may be justified, which is a positive aspect of the card; you’re not quick to let just anyone into your life.

The Maid: The Maid sees everything and tells nothing. In pulp fiction, the Maid is typically a meek domestic worker who peers into the daily intrigues of the family she’s working for. Be it excessive consumption, familial corruption, or adulterous affairs, the Maid is expected to sweep the scandals of the every day up and out of sight. Due to her exclusive access to people’s lives, she may often palsy as a star witness in a trial, or get caught up in a blackmail scheme. But the Maid typically represents some form of class repression or exploitation - until she gets the chance to turn the tables. You have been on the underside of life for a long time, that doesn’t mean you will always be that way, you can turn the tables after a bit of work

Pile Two (Sodalite):

How do your friends see you?

Page of Pentacles (reversed): The Page of Pentacles reversed represents someone who is; foolish, immature, irresponsible, lazy, an underachiever, and a procrastinator. This is how your friends see you as someone who is not reliable and is childish.

The Cyborg: The Cyborg is a transgressive blend of human and machine. In science fiction, the organic, human form can be supplemented with technological enhancement. As such, the Cyborg has the capacity for mechanical perfection, working in tandem with human thought, emotion, and values. While often a figure of fear for their ability to rewrite and surpass human flaws. The Cyborg may use their abilities for destruction, but can also offer a glimpse into a perfected human being who is able to transcend human history and work towards utopic harmony. Your friends see you as someone who needs an upgrade. Someone who needs to change so they can be like the cyborg, able to use their powers to bring about harmony or destruction.

How does your family see you?

Seven of Swords (reversed): This is the card of truth being revealed, of having been manipulative in the past and now coming out and revealing that truth. So, your family sees you as someone who has something to reveal, something that you have been hiding from them.

The Headmistress: The Headmistress rules with an iron fist. In fiction, the Headmistress is responsible for overseeing the entirety of a school, typically one for girls or young women, and for managing its students, staff, and grounds. While the Headmistress is typically a strict disciplinarian with an eye for getting results, she can also function as a maternal, albeit authoritative presence. Her reputation often precedes her, and being summoned into her office is enough to strike fear into the heart of any student. Your family views you as someone who is to be feared, someone who does whatever it takes to be heard and in control.

How do you see you?

Seven of Wands: You see yourself as someone who needs to stand up for yourself no matter what, defend yourself and your territory. You may have gone through a lot to get to where you are and you don’t what to lose it. You feel like people are constantly trying to question you and bring you down, so, you defend yourself.

The Empress: You view yourself as the Divine Feminine, as someone who embraces all things feminine. You think you are someone who is loving, warm, sensual, and that you are as charismatic as you are beautiful. You defend yourself because people don’t understand the real you, in your eyes.

The Siren: The Siren’s call is irresistible. In horror and mythology, the Siren is a beautiful amphibious creature who appears as a human woman or a human and animal hybrid. The Siren typically lives with others of her kind in the rocks and cliffs of coastal areas. Together, the Sirens use their powerful voices to lure passing sailors towards shipwreck and death. While the origins and goals of the Siren vary, she is ultimately symbolic of the challenge of resistance. You feel like you are irresistible, that you are someone that nobody can resist.

How does society see you? The Magician: The Magician is someone who is; spontaneous, skillful, creative, original, someone of quick understanding, excellent reasoning, intelligent initiatives, and intellectual curiosity. This is how society views you, as someone who is extremely intelligent, someone who uses their brain and is quick with it.

The Gamine: The Gamine strolls the side streets straight into your heart. In genre film and musicals, the Gamine appears as a young, often waifish woman with a penchant for androgynous style and frank speech. Her rejection of what’s ascribed as feminine is characterized by her embrace of the masculine, opting for a short chop or pixie cut and boxy clothes, and presenting a boyish, unpolished demeanor. The Gamine may pursue an independent, bohemian lifestyle in defiance of gender expectations, but is too charming to thwart off attention from suitors from all walks of life.

How do you want to be seen?

Queen of Swords: The Queen of Swords has very high standards and can be highly critical of herself and others, she doesn’t allow anyone to use her, she puts people in their place. You want to be seen as someone who stands up for themselves and is loved but slightly feared. You want people to understand where they stand with you and to not test you or cross you.

The Coquette: Flattery has gotten the Coquette everywhere, and she has no plans to stop now. In genre film or musicals, the Coquette has a way with words and a knack for reading people - particularly people who have something she wants. She can be an adept conversationalist or an emotional card sharp, but she’ll make you feel so good about yourself you won’t even miss whatever it is you’ve handed over. You want to be seen as someone who is charming, a little intimidating but still, charming. You want people to fear you but also love you.

Who are you actually?

Ace of Pentacles: You are or are meant to be very clever and full of ideas. You are very innovative and clever and you do best with intellectual activities. You use the power of your mind to achieve what you want and need. You will apply reason and intellect to confront issues occurring in your life. You have great literacy skills and rarely lose an argument or discussion. You are someone who is very competitive and will not let go of your position easily. You love taking risks. You usually become an expert in any field you work in. A part of you is very restless and you need to be constantly stimulated. Sometimes you get lost in your head and need to be grounded. It is worth mentioning that the Ace of Pentacles represents new money coming forward, so, it is worth saying that you may be meant to make money in some way.

The Diva: The Diva has a gift from heaven that can make your life hell. In genre film, the Diva is a commanding artistic presence with an impossibly unique talent. The Diva is highly sought after and showered with praise but can become indignant and fickle when she’s not in total control of her ability. She may demand that conditions be met perfectly in order for her to perform, and storm out if she’s denied. Ultimately, the Diva needs her talent to shine just as much as the people around her, and she will do what is necessary to stay in the spotlight. You are meant to be in the spotlight, whether that be literally famous or just in the spotlight in your personal surroundings.

Pile Three (Fuchsite):

How do your friends see you?

Ten of Wands (reversed): The Ten of Wands reversed represents that your friends see you as someone who is truly burdened by circumstances that are not necessary in your life. They think that you are shouldering too much responsibility, that you fail to delegate because you may fear asking for help or you truly believe that you are capable of handling it all on your own. They think that if you continue to go on this way, you will reach a breakdown.

Six of Pentacles (reversed): The Six of Pentacles reversed means that your friends think that you are someone who is extremely generous, to your own faults. You give too much, more than you are capable of giving. They think that you are extremely nice and caring but that you need to take care of yourself. This could also mean that they think that you are someone who gives but at a cost. That when you are “generous” it always comes with you expecting things in return. They think that you are selfish.

The Dancer: The Dancers body is their instrument. The Dancer presents a mastery of control over their physical movement and expression and is a subject of fascination across a variety of genres. In the psychological thriller, they may obsess over perfecting their performance to the point of mania; in horror, they may perform a physical expression of moral corruption; in erotica, they may move to seduce and entice. Regardless of their particular presentation, the Dancer commands attention through perseverance - their refinement of skill even if just performing for themselves. Your friends see you as someone who puts a lot of their body, as someone who works hard and doesn’t take care of themselves enough. They also see you as someone who is extremely talented at what they do regardless of whether they ask for help or not.

How does your family see you?

Seven of Swords: Your family thinks that you are sneaky, that you operate in the shadows and gather information that might later serve you. They think you may be planning to betray someone, or a group of people, in order to assure self-advancement.

On the other hand, they may think that you are trying to better your situation. They think that the people you surround yourself with may be causing you great misery, hindering your progress, or your road towards self-improvement. If that is the case, they feel that you need to escape your current situation without insulting or hurting the people around you.

The Avenger (reversed): The Avenger is made, not born. Her state of mind evolved from a primal desire for vengeance - and she has the drive to carry it out by whatever means necessary. The Avenger is distinguished by her ability to weaponize her innate knowledge and her surroundings and forgoes other elements of her personality until justice is served. In revenge films, the Avenger functions as karma personified - and her payback is defined by its symbolic, poetic flourish. When she is reversed though, that means that rather than being focused, of having the motivation to get things done, and of seeking justice you are; cruel, filled with rage, and obsessed with the wrong things. This is what they think of you. Going off of what was said above, your family thinks that your friends are doing this to you.

How do you see you?

Page of Cups: You see yourself as someone who is highly intuitive and sensitive to the entire world and various dimensions around you. You think you have a loving, gentle, and warm personality and a strong desire to be around kindred spirits, who help you to feel needed and special. You think you’re highly creative and emotional, that you can be as shy as you are desperate to avoid conflict. Although, you won’t back down from a fight if a fight is what’s called for.

The Spinster (reversed): The Spinster is unbothered. In romance fiction, the Spinster is a woman who has remained single past the age deemed desirable, and as such is typically childless. The Spinster’s isolation from traditional domestic roles of wife and mother makes her solitary life a source of speculation and projected anxiety. The Spinster is generally used to caution young women against the dead-end of an unmarried life, and her solitude is seen as a consequence of curdled femininity. Whether by choice or not, the Spinster has the ability to rely solely on herself. Now with this coming out reversed, instead of you thinking you’re like that you actually think you’re timid, full of fear, and in disarray. Yes, you think that you’re highly intuitive maybe even an empath but still, a part of you thinks that you are small and full of anxiety.

How does society see you?

Justice: Society sees you as a decent, law-abiding individual. They think you make decisions carefully, weighing all the pros and cons. That you are good with words and place a high value on education. Also that you are practical and cautious, but remain a romantic at heart.

Two of Cups: Society thinks you’re warm, loving, and sweet. That you are keen on building and maintaining strong, long-term relationships. That you will marry young and/or remain in a devoted relationship. They think that nurturing relationships are at the core of your belief system, they think you are a great friend, child, siblings, and lover. That you are a natural healer due to your ability to listen to your partners and give great advice in return.

The Cat Burglar: The Cat Burglar is at her best when you never see her at all. In genre fiction, the Cat Burglar has a knack for sneaking into places she’s not wanted and sneaking out with more than she had before. While she prefers to work in shadow, she’s also a master of disguise and can situate herself undetected in plain sight. She can also function as a lady thief, who only seeks impossibly difficult targets or the rarest of valuables, and seldom uses physical force in conquest. Society sees you as someone who is able to blend in wherever you go, but not because you are not noticed, it is your own choice. They see you as someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want.

How do you want to be seen?

The Hanged Man: You want to be seen as confident — perhaps overly so. This card can also represent indecision, and as such, you may be at risk of not recognizing these opportunities when they do come to you. Consequently, you remain forever in limbo, trapped in your indecision, your primary action being non-action. You want to be seen as the person who is extremely confident, not aware of the things around them, just happy with what they have, and happy to be where they are.

The Mystic: The Mystic is in touch with the divine. In fiction, the Mystic may appear as a visionary or prophet who receives messages from outside the earthly realm. She may also appear as a sorceress or alchemist who can manipulate natural materials for her own ends. In any iteration, she is well versed in esoteric interests and shrouded in mystery and can use her knowledge to better herself or provide guidance for others. You want to be seen as someone who can help others and who has abilities.

Who are you actually?

Queen of Wands: You are meant to be passionate and ambitious. You are meant to be quite extroverted, with a radiant and friendly quality about you. At your core, you are a highly social creature, with a natural tendency to spread happiness and joy.

You also have a high sense of self-worth and will not let others belittle you. You aspire to be successful on a professional level — and almost always attain it

The Cyborg: The Cyborg is a transgressive blend of human and machine. In science fiction, the organic, human form can be supplemented with technological enhancement. As such, the Cyborg has the capacity for mechanical perfection, working in tandem with human thought, emotion, and values. While often a figure of fear for their ability to rewrite and surpass human flaws. The Cyborg may use their abilities for destruction, but can also offer a glimpse into a perfected human being who is able to transcend human history and work towards utopic harmony. You are meant to use your abilities of spreading happiness and joy for the greater good.

Remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Do not try and force it to fit. If you would like a personal reading you can click here. There I have my shop where I offer all of my readings. Or you can dm me with what you'd like.