#i think i disassociated during that actually

[jazzyblusnowflake]

(If this was asked before, I swear to god.) FullCompany (NUziVJ) Headcannons?

aaaaaaaaa time to write once more- i missed being able to type away like the lil shit i am-

anyhow- okay lets see- gonna add some things here- tbh my ideas was mostly for Jenvy ideas mainly- but i guess ill fit Uzi in there lol

Some JeNVUzi HCs:

[once again- Drone au only, and maybe minor suggestive content but not nsfw]

The polycule is essentially formed around Uzi pulling them back together-

J's original reason for siding with Cyn which was rooted in fear- was on the basis that she still had her team on her side so she could keep them safe and so theyd have eachother to rely on even after Cyn destroys everything. she did not however, account for Uzi coming along and messing everything up and ruining her team's alignment while she was "dead".

the entire reason J tried to kill N or V at any time was cuz she knew a clone of them would be sent back anyway- she has basically become desensitized towards death in general given she had also died around 12 times herself [canon]- V and N try to help her through this- during which they also deal with Vs behavior and Ns trauma too.

to communicate with J they often had to spar with her- seeing as she hated talking about feelings- but this became their own thing they all did afterwards to unwind and communicate- as J opened up a lot easier after feeling like she was reached out to.

Uzi and J bond over anime and gaming- the latter being somewhere J could actually use her anger on more effectively XD

they all like reading books every now and then where one would read and the others snuggle or cuddle- they take turns. [this is from their manor days]

J is... unable to emote or show emotion easily and it eats her alive. she can't show the appropriate needed emotion to the mood of the room and it makes her have breakdowns- occasionally throw up- as though you are desperately trying to cry but the tears wont come so you try heaving it out- make yourself fit in and look normal by trying to FEEL something- but she cant. J is a dated business model drone- custom made for office work- she was made to be this way- Cyn didn't change her- and she grows to hate herself for it. so when a situation happens that she doesn't know how to react, she leaves or hides- until N,V or Uzi find her- usually disassociating or somewhat catatonic.

Uzi occasionally feels out of place with the group, as though she's just being a literal 4th wheel, since they have history together. the others try to show her that she is important to them each in their own ways-

addressing the elephant in the room- yes, it took a long time for N and J to come to terms with eachother- J eventually accepting that her original reason for hating N [him being better than her or preferred over her esp by Tessa] wasn't important anymore- and tries to appreciate him and V and Uzi more in whatever is left of her life.

make no mistake V and J are still very much bitchy on a surface level- just cuz they are all growing close does not mean they are all now lovey dovey with eachother or sweet and character-redemption-ed with everyone around them. therefore: "playful catfights" >:3 !

V and Uzi tease J alot- this is one of the reasons why J found more comfort with N- not gonna tell him to his face tho lol.

J teaches N to draw better and they bond over that alot-

Uzi and J like attention alot- and they wanna get it by being as wordless as possible- very cat coded.

Uzi, V and N like to drag J into doing more normal things that have less to do with work. so far J has mostly shown some interest in writing and maybe poetry but she WILL shoot your head off if you try to read her stuff-

J's first kiss was with Uzi- N and V having kissed once back at the manor being eachothers first kiss. J thinks V kisses the best tho lol.

N and V like to cuddle a lot- J and Uzi are usually dependent on mood-

V likes to bite- J likes to be bitten, N and Uzi like both- :3

J likes playing with N and Uzi's fluffy hair. V only lets N touch her hair.

during intimate cuddles- J has passed out the most lol. Uzi following a close second lol-

Uzi and J yap alot about tech work-

hmm this is all i can think about for NOW-

:"3

[bbyboybucket]

Okay okay, now that I’ve had time to actually think about all this and get the evidence and do the math: imma give y’all a little ted talk on Bucky’s Stockholm Syndrome.

So I’m gonna preface all this by saying that this probably wasn’t an intentional choice from the writers of TFATWS. For two reasons, one cause the show overall had a ton of writing issues beyond just Bucky and was kinda a mess as a whole. And two, to actually make that claim firmly, I’d have to do a rewatch and I don’t got time for all that. That said, as a viewer, choosing to look not just TFATWS, but at all of Bucky’s appearances from the perspective of him having Stockholm Syndrome, makes a lotttt of sense. It adds a lot of depth to his actions, words, etc. Also even if it wasn’t intentional, if you chose to look at it through this lens, the narrative of TFATWS being contradictory towards him can actually be a reflection of what’s going on in his head. The way the show is sometimes sympathetic but other times judgmental can be a reflection of how he sees himself and his inner conflict regarding his past. Again, I don’t think the writers intentionally did this, but it’s cool way to look at it and repurposes their mistakes.

Now, I just wanna point out that Stockholm syndrome can develop within merely days or weeks, so it’s almost kinda silly to think that it wouldn’t occur if someone had been held hostage for decades. It’s practically undoubtable that Bucky had Stockholm Syndrome for at least some part of his captivity, but I think he’s still dealing with the remnants of it. Zemo was right when he said there’s something still in Bucky and he can’t get rid of hydra. But it’s not that he’s some evil killer at heart, it’s that he has leftovers from Stockholm Syndrome.

In a very simplified summary, Stockholm syndrome usually happens and works when captors cause immense pain to the victim and then treat them well afterwards. The captor shows them some form of kindness, flattery, mercy, etc. back to back with harm. Also a big factor in it is the victim becoming dependent on them for basic needs. Seriously, learned helplessness is a huge factor in Stockholm Syndrome. All of it causes a “bond” to form. And the more this occurs over time, the stronger it gets because the victim is constantly exposed to them, they become their only source of interactions and relationships. Stockholm syndrome is thought to be a complex trauma response, a defense mechanism for surviving during cruel and terrifying conditions.

Think of it like the victim disassociates the perpetrator from the abuse and then emotionally bonds with them, so that they can lessen their fear and feel a sense of security. Also with Stockholm Syndrome (especially within cults), not only does the victim bond with their captor, but being isolated from the rest of the world causes them to adopt their captor’s views and lifestyle. They get completely indoctrinated and start to think the same way as the captor.

Now think about what we see with the Winter Soldier. Even from the very little that we know, it’s a cycle of Hydra severely hurting him but then giving him praise, encouragement, validation, etc. All for manipulation ofc, but a broken mind isn’t going to see it that way. He would be relishing in the fact that they’re making him feel like he’s needed and wanted, like he’s done good, etc. Especially since that’s the only affirmations and positive reinforcements he receives, and is otherwise forced to suffer. Those moments of praise and “kindness”, are so so so heavily weighted against everything else.

While he was captive, while Hydra had him, he likely thought they cared about him. It probably felt close to love. Now ofc Bucky, as a free man with a clear head, knows it wasn’t love or anything at all except being viewed as a weapon. But I bet there’s still a part of him that desires that again, even if he knows it was fake, especially in the wake of becoming lonely and left with his own negative thoughts. Because like I said before, the affirmations were fucking heavy weighted. During those 70 years just the slightest bit of praise or mercy probably felt like the world’s greatest high. Especially when it was given in the midst of pain.

These manipulative affirmations also result in the victim justifying their abuse. This happens in a lot of abusive situations but especially in Stockholm Syndrome. Think about the scene where Pierce is praising the winter soldier so he can convince him to do what he’s told. What immediately follows? He slaps him. Then he electrocutes him. But the winter soldier doesn’t resist either, doesn’t complain, etc. He takes both, which is definitely a conditioned response, but it’s also likely due to the thoughts of “I’m disappointing them, I deserve this punishment for not behaving.” And to play devils advocate, let’s say he didn’t feel as if he deserved it. Even so, without speculating his thoughts, his reactions to the abuse and the fact that he’s been conditioned to deal with that at all, are still signs of Stockholm Syndrome. Because the captor’s behavior has become normalized.

Also he very well was dependent on them for his every single need. For food, water, shelter, hygiene, human interaction, and probably things he didn’t need but was manipulated into believing were necessities. And that, especially with the learned helplessness and with him likely being in constant survival mode, reinforces that feeling of dependence. The feeling that he needs them. The feeling that they’re Hydra isn’t so bad because they take care of him. The dependence also circles back into kindness thing. Providing for him could easily be seen as small acts of kindness, further making him feel like Hydra cares about him.

Another huge huge huge part of Stockholm Syndrome is that the victim shows resistance and anger towards those trying to help them or that try to oppose the captor. Look at how the Winter Soldier reacts to Steve, various times throughout the movie. With almost everyone else, he’s mostly objective, just fighting anyone who stands in the way of Hydra. He’s brainwashed but he’s not stupid, he knows Steve had another motive. He knew Steve wanted to help him in some way or separate him from Hydra. And that made him fucking livid. He wasn’t just irritated, like he was when Natasha shot his goggles. He was fighting with full on rage, because didn’t want to even think about a life outside of Hydra.

Now, I don’t think it’s full blown Stockholm syndrome anymore now that he’s a free man. That’s why in my initial post I said it’s to certain degree. In remission is maybe a way to word it. He can’t have full blown Stockholm Syndrome, because if he did, he wouldn’t acknowledge that hydra was bad at all, he’d straight up defend them. However, he clearly has some level of it since he considers himself to have been hydra, to have been one of them, rather than just their captive.

But this all plays into Bucky’s overall-mcu characterization and the way he has conflicting views on his time as the soldier. Because Bucky knows what happened to him was fucked up, that it wasn’t actually his fault, but he still feels that way because he was indoctrinated into their culture and his psyche was completely altered by them beyond just trauma. The degree of his stockholm syndrome is what makes him having stressful, conflicting, confusing feelings on it. It’s cognitive dissonance. In case anyone doesn’t know, here’s a quick definition: cognitive dissonance is when you have two conflicting thoughts/feelings at the same time or when your actions conflict with your thoughts/feelings.

Cause we know he has cognitive dissonance from his actions as the winter soldier. We know he has extreme stress, shame, and guilt from the fact that he killed people despite it not being in line with his morals. BUT if we’re talking about Stockholm Syndrome, it unravels other areas of cognitive dissonance. It’s why he struggles so much with accepting his own innocence and forgiving himself, and rarely acknowledges what was done to him. He knows he was a victim yet he was also a perpetrator. Those don’t align, they contradict each other, he can’t see how they can be simultaneous, it doesn’t neatly make sense how the perpetrator could also be the victim, especially from his perspective. A lot of times, the way people deal with cognitive dissonance is by ignoring one of the feelings/beliefs. His way of dealing with this is to put the blame on himself, because even though it still feels shitty, it’s less confusing and easier to accept that than the fact that multiple things can be true at once. Or more accurately from the outsider’s perspective: the fact that his innocence outweighs his guilt.

That’s why he shuts down anyone who points out he’s not to blame. He’s avoiding the feeling of victimhood that conflicts with his beliefs that he’s at fault. It shakes everything thing up and makes him feel even worse than just the guilt alone does. Which also is due to the fact that it’s easier to believe you’re the problem than it is to acknowledge you were helpless. And to deal with the cognitive dissonance he’s choosing the more manageable option, being at fault. But all this cognitive dissonance just completely feeds into his guilt and self esteem problems.

(Side note, no I absolutely do not think his guilt is boiled down to just this. This looking at one little piece of the puzzle, it’s wayyy bigger than this. I’m just sticking to the context of this post right now.)

He didn’t want to do anything Hydra made him do, he never wanted to be with them, yet he accepted Hydra as a home during those 70 years and some of their practices linger in his head. It’s inconsistent to have not wanted to apart of it but adopted the lifestyle anyways. The stress that inconsistency brings is not easy to resolve. Especially because he likely doesn’t understand why he felt any kind of attachment to something that caused him and others so much pain. Think about the line “Hydra was my people”. We all hate it. But….if you look at it from this perspective, it’s not necessarily wrong. He spent 70 years with them. 70 years of having nothing but Hydra, having to rely on them, having to endure all the things that cause Stockholm Syndrome to develop. He didn’t have a choice in the matter, but it really was his home in his eyes. An abusive, nazi nightmare of a home but still, sadly….his home. They were his people, because they forced themselves to be. They were his only people. Again, that’s where the cognitive dissonance comes in: he hates them, he wishes they weren’t ever his people….but the fact is that they were. And that eats at him.

And like I mentioned before, Stockholm Syndrome involves indoctrination and adopting the ideals of the captor. It would be hard to completely remove that if it’s what you spent decades living by. Hydra’s world view and practices probably still slip into his mind a lot, but they don’t align with what he truly believes is right, they’re not who he is as a person: again, more cognitive dissonance that’s causing him distress.

All of this is also probably a factor in why he wants to make amends, not only because he wants to right his wrongs and make up for his sins, but he wants to act on this cognitive dissonance. Because amending does align with his feelings of being against hydra, of not wanting to be a part of Hydra. And acting on that might help push away those other feelings of being one of them.

Also think about how he never argues or defends himself when people speak down on him and his past, he never corrects anyone when they say he’s hydra, he never has any rebuttal against negative comments about him. Which of course, is due to his low self esteem, and again, guilt. But also it goes back to the Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance that fuel those feelings. He can’t argue or defend his character to anyone else, because he can’t even convince it himself. Because for any excuse, any explanation, any proof he has of being good….he has something to contradict it with. And how can he truly say he’s still a good guy and not at fault when even he is confused about what’s true? When he still has uncomfortable, lingering attachments to Hydra that he hasn’t shaken yet?

The point is, his head is fucking mess, which we all already knew….but looking at it like this just makes you realize how much more confused and lost he is, how his thoughts are literally at war with each other all the time. And when you look at the narrative as a reflection of his feelings, it makes sense why it switches up every second. If it’s confusing for a viewer to see the seesaw go back and forth from “victim” to “criminal”, then imagine what it’s like in Bucky’s head.

Now I do feel like there’s a lot more here, you could go way deeper and I’m probably missing some stuff, but it’s a place to start. Just some fuel to get the motors running.

[lmkwritings]

GASP, ASK'S! Hello lovely writer! it is I, an fellow notefication on reader! SO can i get some Like Mk headcanons? and some redson with an bunny demon s/o? (Asking bc i love just imagening hugging someone witha fluffy as hell boobs as the gay af person i am) gender can be ither fem or gender nutrol Sorry for my bad gramer and spelling- first laungueg is swedish and english is my 5th laungeg so so sorry for gramer mistakes

Lots of love from the friendly snake!

some quick grammar tips for you before we dive in;

“with a bunny”

“i love just imagining”

“can be either fem or gender neutral”

“Language”, but otherwise, i probably wouldn’t have noticed you weren’t a fluent speaker if you hadn’t pointed it out!

MK has Inattentive ADHD, like me!

this form of ADHD makes it Hard to stay on track and keep a steady schedule, often needing it to be either; a) consistent or b) predictable.

MK has a Lot of fun learning new things, and is often found with his face buried in a book (usually titled “{this thing} for dummies!”)

when idle/not doing anything, he start spinning the staff around his hand/fingers like a pen

the bandana was a gift from pigsy’s ma! (his grammy)

he has, can, and will, rearrange his entire apartment to find something he lost

hates sitting still- the only time he’s found it easy to do so is in the Tuk-Tuk

he is “heavy footed” meaning that when he drives, he is almost always pressing down on the gas, consciously or not!

MK is a “Maladaptive Daydreamer”, and one of his biggest triggers for it is Music, a few of the smaller ones are Repetitive Movement (ex; swaying boats, rocking, moving cars), bright flashing colors (Mei often has to snap him out of it when he falls under in the club), and sitting still for too long!

MK has “fallen under” (Ex; Disassociated, Daydreamed, panic/anxiety attack) in multiple places-

once, in the zero-gravity club when a bright light beam flashed him in the eyes, and he “woke up” to Pigsy sitting on his bed rubbing circles into his back, Tang reading to him, and Mei quietly tapping away on her phone with a weighted blanket and comfort/attack clothing on.

again, on Sandy’s boat when he sat still long enough for his “Lizard Brain” to recognize that the boat was rocking, and “Waking up” again, with cats draped over him, Sandy quietly chatting idly while sipping on tea, and himself covered by a weighted blanket and holding a (warmish) cup of tea.

when MK daydreams, his head’ll twitch and jerk, hands twitching and/or clenching. sometimes he’ll start pacing and he’ll sway, lean a bit too far or turn around really fast and slip/trip over himself. he’ll make facial expressions and get emotional with the scenarios and worlds unfolding in his head.

((he’s woken up a few times to a demon with mind reading abilities wailing out “no wait it was just getting good!”))

——————————

Red Son was- Unsurprisingly -rich.

and rich people? the wealthy?

really have a thing for “very feminine, looks dainty, could probably be royalty, can absolutely kick your ass into next week”

Red Son’s head lifted, raising an eyebrow at you, he stares questioningly, to which your tail flicks a bit, and you knock some of his pillows askew as you burrow into his sheets.

a soft call of your name, and a chair screeeeching over marble floors, and then a warm hand settled on your back, the sheets over your large rabbit like ears drawing back, allowing you to look up at him through your bangs.

he smiled softly down at you, head tilting as his horns glinted in the low lighting- those fuzzy bull ears of his enticing you onto your knees, fingers immediately running over and petting, caressing his ears. with a low chuff chuff chuff, Red Son melts into your touch, sighing softly as he slides up and onto the bed, and then your lap.

straddling you briefly, he settles down on the mattress in between your (verrrry fluffy) legs, hands settling on your thighs, fingers slowly gliding through your fur; just like your fingers gently squeezed and caressed and massaged his ears.

he smiled in a quiet kind of bliss when he heard the soft little “click tik click tiktiktik”of your teeth clicking together.

[moonshynecybin]

marc being soo lonely and unpopular is my roman empire. you're telling me he's really just a weird kid with no friends, his best friend is his brother? my heart breaks for him. and he's had so many highs and lows in his career and the only one who Really understands is vale but vale won't talk to him and is also the one who made his loneliness a lot worse? turned everyone and especially the media against him.. vale's kids hate marc even though they're too young to fully grasp their history! vale has sooo much work to do after the reunion... getting his boys to like marc and be nice to him, being there for marc again. getting marc to trust him again! no marc, you don't have to deal with everything all by yourself anymore! something is bothering you? talk to me about it i'm here for you! it'll be so worth it though, can you imagine marc finally coming out of his shell again, comfortable to be himself again, still a bit disbelieving that all of those people are his Friends now? he's not alone anymore?? i think about this daily

i love nice things for marc so it is fun to imagine vale looping him in on his abundance of community and that being very healing for both of them... marc IS a pretty isolated dude as a result of being like. ruthlessly competitive and a prodigy and his crazy schedule etc we've all seen it. that being said. i do wonder about that boy's social skills bc vale has a lot of similar traits/life experiences and has like half the grid convinced he's their daddy.

[mercutiotakethewheel]

Kendra, inwardly: Omg I am so scared right now. I’m going to die here. This freakyass magical creatures about to do me in. And could do so easily, which I am imagining very vividly right now. Those are huge teeth. I am fighting god to hold it together right now. I don’t want to die. Why am I here? Just to suffer, every night I close my eyes and—

Kendra, outwardly: I cast vicious mockery.

[redhotarsenic]

.

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.1

Cynthia and John are worse and crazier for admitting what they admitted in the bio. But Jane and Paul are not exempt.

Will forever love this pic of Paul and Julian. He does not look like the fun uncle. He looks tired and dependable. Just stepped out of the womb as a father, didn't he? The sperm that fertilized his egg probably passed some fatherly advice and hair tussles to the other sperm as it passed them. 

They should've bought the fucking island.

They never look more like a couple than when the women they're actually dating are right next to them. 

The India footage actually looks so beautiful. Obviously it's a beautiful place, but they all genuinely look so free and at peace there. It really could've been so good for them. Getting enlightened, getting soberish, growing closer as a band, taking a much-needed rest. It should've been good. 

The music choices in this documentary! The drastic shift from, “all you need is love” and “the dream I had was true” and “I don't need much to set me free.” to Paul leaving to “yes I'm lonely. Wanna die.” “I'm going insane.” “Look at me. Who am I supposed to be?” 8d8 psychic damage. And the thing is it's real. John really did flip a switch, just like that.

Smashing my head into a wall. It's the same as Yoko's quote about how ‘nobody hurt John more than Paul.’ Really Pete? Worse than after his mum died? Really Yoko? More than that drunk cop? Paul, what the fuck did you do to him in India, seriously, because at this point in the doc I can't accept the theory that it was just some lack of communication, I just can't. 

It's also telling to me that when John's losing it, everyone's solution is some time alone with Paul. Nobody panic. Paul can fix him. Little do they know Paul's the one that broke him. Or maybe they do know and that's only another reason they know Paul's the only man for the job?

Old-fashioned ad voice: You liked Protective Jesus Scandal Paul? You'll love Protective LSD Scandal John! Really. Before the question is even out, he's making fun of it. I think he cuts off the interviewer at least three times with jokes before he can get the sentence out, and by the time he is, Paul's giggling too hard to feel bad about his little PR fuck-up.

Then he lets Paul talk a bit before jumping back in, this time with his Hard Man suit on. It's just so good. A testament to their unconditional love, really. Because, clearly, Paul's just hurt John pretty bad. And yet, here John is. Using every trick he's got to defend his friend. 

But actually, though John is supposedly the one everyone's worried about, Paul's doing a pretty shit job of being the “stable” one. This entire press tour he's either fucking blazed and laughing at everything or disassociated and not contributing.

(((except during that political discussion – again! Paul secretly has actual thoughts on actual things?!)))

But for the most part, John's absolutely holding down the fort. I wonder if this is another case of everyone – all their friends and business associates, just like we as a fandom still do now – assuming John is the problem child, and Paul's the strong one, but actually they're both both. 

Back to the political interview. They're just so in sync. Finishing each other's sentences when you're talking about the weather or your shared work is one thing. Finishing each other's sentences on complex topics like why poor whites often vote bigots in or the cause of rampant misinformation is quite another. 

“Letting his dad cut his hair at sixteen, seventeen.” You all know that John hates Jim quote. 

John: so there's war, and vegetables. There's relativity and absolute.  Paul (absolutely smitten): that's great Johnny. Int: that's rather hard for people to interpret. John: well if they can't interpret it now, maybe they will later..... 1. John really was extremely intelligent. 2. That last statement sums up Beatles historiography.

Paul really just Won't be alone with John, will he? Well, two can play at that game, Paul, and John's going to win, let me tell you. 

But he's going to do one last panic grab for attention first.

I really do think if John had done something like that *before* Paul would've given him that attention. Told him he's being insane and taken him home to splash some cold water on him or something and then given him whatever softness Paul was capable of. But not anymore. 

I wonder if Paul could go back to 1966 if he just wouldn't have taken John to that Indica show where he met Yoko. If he would've just said “okay John, sure, let's just stay home and trip on the couch tonight.” I don't know.

Anyway, Yoko gets an A+ for persistence. Imagine being Paul, George, or Ringo, though, and John is suddenly madly in love with this woman whose been begging you all (and then him specifically) for a platform for over a year? It would be weird to say the least. 

John: don't you hate me? I'm crazy, you know. Paul: no I don't hate you. John: aren't you pissed at me now, Paul? Even a little bit? Paul: I'm very proud of you. It's the unstoppable force (“Don't ‘nore me, Mimi!”) vs the immovable object (“I learned to put a shell around me”.) Someone get them some professional help before they nuke the whole world. 

“There is, however, a desire to get power in order to use it for good.” One of those quotes that just really lets you see a person, you know? Benevolent dictator Paul. 

Yoko, why are you talking about how bad your boy doesn't want to fuck you right in front of all his closest friends and on record for posterity? If you have to be talking about your sex life, shouldn't you be lying about how insanely horny he is for you? Oh, right, she will think of that, just not yet. 

And then she waxes poetic about how turned on John is when he's working on music with Paul. Cool. Smart. Thanks for that, though, genuinely.

And Then (gosh, Yoko is such an asset to Beatles history when she's not actively spreading misinformation. Everyone give her a hand) she goes on about how Paul goes out of his way to make her feel respected and even valued. Compare that to John and Linda, anyone? And I want to be clear, I'm not saying this means John cares too much and Paul doesn't care at all, which might be the surface read. I just think John's reaction was to scream in everyone's face that he was in pain and Paul's was to insist ad nauseam that he was fine. You know?

[mrsnancywheeler]

Whatever you do don’t imagine Finnick and his sweet girl becoming intimate for the first time after she is sold. Don’t imagine how as soon as she feels his hands on her she cracks, don’t imagine how Finnick fears reminding her of all the clients, don’t imagine Finnicks sweet girl apologizing for not being able to give him that part of her, don’t imagine how she fights the urge to disassociate during it, don’t imagine how Finnick feels when he realizes that.

Okay…bye :)

tw nsfw and trafficking related trauma

there will be more discussions of this later on in the river but for now...

but I'm definitely not thinking about how

it's just so natural, the two of you have spent your day flirting, laughing, and you're just both in bed. you've been leaving light kisses all over each other's face, light enough to be slightly ticklish and then finnick is actually kissing you. at first it's fine, but then he's deepening it and he's already on top of you so you can feel him growing hard. how his hand that was on your hips is so close to your waist band when you're pulling away. it's too much and you're desperately wishing you weren't, but you're tearing up.

he's looking at you, confused for less then a second when he realizes what it is and off of you as fast as he can be. "I'm so sorry." And he feels so guilty for kissing you like that, for getting turned on by you.

but you're upset with yourself, he's so patient, loving, kind and you can't even be intimate with him. "No, I'm sorry, you deserve better and I really wish I could."

"You don't have to be sorry at all, sweet girl." And he's giving you tissues, making tea, making sure you have all the softest blankets, anything you need to try and help you feel somewhat better.

it takes so long for you to want to be intimate like that again and everytime you notice he might be in the mood, even though he doesn't mention it and acts like he's not, you apologize profusely for not being able to be that girlfriend which he always shuts down, soft kisses to push away your tears

nor am I thinking about

eventually one day you realize you might be finally ready, to be with him in that way again, to give the part of you that's been so hurt to someone willingly

you're sitting by each other on the couch, reading, when you softly take it from his hands and sit in his lap. he laughs lightly, "what do you need, sweet girl?" and you're kissing him and he's kissing back. it's nerve wrecking but you want him so bad, and you feel like you're finally able to try and have that. you're not sure if you can say it so you're just slowly starting to grind on top of him and eventually his hands are on your legs and he's pulling his lips away. he's getting hard and feels so guilty for it, "honey-"

"I want you, Finn." And he's staring at you long and hard trying to decipher if you mean it or just feel obligated because of how long it's been, he dreads you feeling that way. but your eyes are so pleading..

"are you sure?" you're nodding, "because we can stop at any time, I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He's nervous that he'll mess it up, he's wanted you for so long, missed the intimacy and hated himself for it.

"I'm sure." And later he's got you laid out on the bed and he'd ever so carefully taken off you clothes, kissed each part of you, praised you, muttered endless I love you's so you knew how much you meant to him. he needs you to feel loved but used. you're so grateful for it, but also you he's so slow and gentle that it's had you much to worked up with anticipation. "finnick, I'm not made of glass." you say it ever so softly.

"I know, sweet girl, I know. I just don't want to make you think of them, need you to know how much I care. You'll tell me if something's wrong right? I need to know if you need to stop and it's okay if you do."

"of course I'll tell you, Finn." and it would've been true if your body hadn't decided to go on autopilot. the moment he's finally slipped inside you, your brain takes it as a queue to leave. you don't want to, he's so sweet, and you're enjoying it, but your fighting the feeling of drifting away from your body. fighting off the daze you usually fall into and when finnick looks into your eyes he can tell. he knows what it's like, he's done it too many times to count. It's further cemented when you barely process the fact he'd stopped moving.

then his hand is softly caressing your face, his heart aching as he tries to get you fully back, "honey, we can stop it's okay." and your brain has somewhat started to settle

"no, it's okay, I'm fine, Finn. I'm sorry, just got lost."

"this is for you, sweet girl, if you don't want it, that's okay. I wanna make you feel good."

"I'm sorry." You're rubbing your face, trying to keep yourself in the moment. Then he's slowly pulling out, "Finnick..." You're so frustrated with yourself.

"just need to make sure you're okay."

He's so softly tracing calming circles onto your skin and you notice how hard he still is which makes you feel guilty. "Let me take care of you then."

Finnick looks so sad as he shakes his head, "You don't have to just get me off and then clock out for everything else, this is for you too.

"finn, I want you, I don't know why my brain is trying to escape, but I do want you." and he's making sure your being truthful again, so scared you'll lie to make him feel better, pull him into the same fantasy all those horrendous clients have

"why don't you keep your eyes on me then, sweet girl, and tell me how you feel as we go?" and you agree.

it's not necessarily the easiest bridge to cross, but it's baby steps because miss what you had and miss how much your body responded to him, so ever so slowly the two of you find a way

yeah I'm not thinking about any of that

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for telling my partner they need to be better at communicating during sex?

NSFW ask, but this has been an ongoing issue for a while and I’m very frustrated

My (19M) partner (21NB) is my first true sexual partner. They’ve been with other people in the past, some good experiences but mostly bad. I on the other hand have dated before and have had pseudo-sexual relationships (just touching) but my partner is the first person I’ve properly done the horizontal tango with

That being said, with my just-touching exes, we’ve always been extremely careful about communication in the moment. My most recent ex and I had the stoplight method even when we weren’t being kinky. It was reassuring to be able to check up on her and for her to be able to do the same. Maybe we were playing is too safe, idk, but that’s what I became comfortable with during sex

With my current partner, however, this has never been the case with their exes. I think I might be the first partner they’ve had that actually took time before making any sexual advances to ask them what they like and how I can make them happy because in the moment when I did, they looked confused.

Being horny young adults, we did eventually sleep together, and during the act, I realized that neither of us had checked in on the other outside of the initial “is this okay?” when removing clothes (I was the one who asked) so I slowed my roll and asked my partner if they were with me. They were not. They sputtered and said that I brought them out of the moment, and I became really really concerned that they had been disassociating the entire time because of previous sexual trauma. I told them I wanted to stop, they did not, so I rolled off and whispered into their ear while (and I apologize for not finding a better way to describe this without being overly graphic) I was straight jorkin’ em off. They were happy, they fell asleep, and I felt awful.

About half an hour later they kicked me out because their mom was coming home from a New Years Eve party (it was my 19th birthday which also hurt), but that’s not relevant, I just need the timeline in place.

We’ve done more sexual things since then and every time I try to check on them, they get weirded out. I stopped doing it in the moment so overtly and changed tactics to asking “what can I do for you” and “what do you need baby”, and this seems to get the job done. However, afterwards when I ask actually ask them how they were feeling, they would say that “the afterglow’s ruined” (which is wild because we’ve been together for six months and I’ve never finished -> I am a pre-op transman and my partner is AMAB, aka has told me that they don’t know what to do with my parts and once joked that sex would be easier if I had a dick, for context)

The last straw was tonight (March 4th) when they came over to my place and we started making out. I wasn’t really feeling it, so I tried to back off and shift to just lazy kisses, but my partner didn’t stop so I pulled away and said: “not tonight, baby”

They said: “if you weren’t in the mood, why did you kiss me?”

I said: “because I like kissing you?”

They said: “you should have told me you didn’t want to do anything. I don’t want to get the wrong idea.”

I said: “I’m sorry, I should have. I thought I wanted to, but I changed my mind. Can we go back to watching anime?”

They said yes and we watched another episode of a show (dungeon meshi!!) before I finally asked them why they don’t check in with me the way I do with them

They said: “I don’t like talking during sex. Ruins the vibe”

I said: “Okay, so can we find a system that lets the other know how we’re feeling when we don’t want to talk? Like how I use signs when I go nonverbal?”

They said: “I don’t see the point. If you don’t want to fuck, just push me off.”

I got mad and said: “What is wrong with you? I don’t want to push you off, I want to talk about it!”

They told me I was getting worked up and left. It’s been two hours and I feel like total shit for pushing the subject when they’ve expressed that they don’t like my expectations for sex. Am I too high maintenance?

TL;DR, I annoyed my partner by asking too many times for them to talk to me during sex, they got pissed and left my house. Atia for asking too many times?

What are these acronyms?

[laniemae]

“I think I have to climb to the top of the hill if I wanna see what's going on on the other side...”

Drew this through tears as an acceptance that Ojima will be the killer of this chapter and that he’ll die and I’ll never see him again.

Vent/rant under cut

——— I’m actually crying right now while writing this. I can’t see any other possibility where Ojima isn’t the killer. Just everything story wise and plot and symbolic wise makes sense. He’s already the prime suspect with his shaky alibi, him going to the medbay at midnight, the blood on Hiroaki’s bed where he slept for the night, his strange disassociating more than usual. 

At this point there’s so much evidence pointing towards Ojima being the one who killed Chiba I’m already grieving his inevitable death this trial. Just, even with the parallels between him and Chiba with the story time episode where he wrote a children’s book with her, hence the text in the art referencing that. And how that one time he talked during his dissociative haze he said the exact words that Chiba said to him while writing the book. I can only think of this as Ojima in shock with how he killed her. There’s also their parallels as well with both having sorts of age regression and coping by living through a childish fantasy lens. It’d be so sad thinking how that could be symbolic of Ojima killing a perception of himself. And with Ojima being a children’s book illustrator who had his childhood taken away from him and Chiba looking like a child and having a similar form of regression I can’t imagine how tragic this story would play out through with the trial. 

I really thought Ojima would have more time as I felt it’d be inevitable we’d get a breakdown scene with his PTSD and learning more about that story, but with how things are going I could imagine that happening during the trial. God I don’t even wanna imagine how his execution would be if it goes the route on playing up his trauma, these killing game staff are sadists and I could completely imagine them doing that, especially with the mention of working on the execution in the staffside.

I’m also in absolute tears over his relationship with Hiroaki. Just… purple is so devastating with the likely idea that Ojima is the killer, and even imagining if he already killed at that time. Them sharing an intimate moment and Hiroaki confessing how he’s so reliant and attached to him and how they’re basically codependent, and as well with how he’s almost finished the drawing for Ojima. When he’s the killer he’ll never be able to show it to him and he’ll have absolutely no one by his side anymore who cares about him or even loves him. It would be the most heartbreaking thing ever.

Ojima is such an incredibly amazing character like I’ve never seen before I can’t prepare for him to be the chapter 2 killer… he would’ve gone too early and I’m such despair. I’ll never be able to see him again in the series, he’ll never speak again I’ll never be able to get exited whenever an episode pops up in a thumbnail he’ll never dissociate again he’ll never be funny and sassy again he’ll never help Hiroaki to open up again he’ll never have a hilariously gay moment with Hiroaki again. He’s lived 16 years of his life going through the worst abuse a human could face, only for when he escapes to be dragged into a killing game and forced to commit a murder of someone who shares so much similarities with him. I’m already feeling the effects of his death a week before it happens and I’d rather fall into despair than yearn for hope only to have it taken away from me. I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to watch tetro with Ojima gone forever. I have been crying the entire day over this and my tears are making this hard to write.

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

here's you silly chronic pain (or related things) post about one icarus morningstar because i have one braincell -

their legs hurt a lot; like it's pretty much a constant thing, usally one hurts a lot more than the other - I think probably their right one. I think this one is most because of how they fell so much during the resets - while they might been reset I think it definitely still left a pretty bad mark on their body. this is also made so much worse whenever they walk for extended periods (like . being in the Worldport. and pacing. you know.)

they are. so bad at stairs. his ass is so so bad at stairs. he tries his best but also. (relating this back to my fic - there's a reason Centross says he can walk them down to Isla's door! and there's also a reason for the railing comment! they rely on either him, or a railing to keep them from falling as they try to go down the stairs. walking normally is fine bar the pain, but stairs are in fact their worst enemy /silly)

shaky hands . they get tremors. as a treat. their hands are also like- so bad at picking up on certain touches cause of all their scars. (They can also get really tender and stiff - thankfully they have a boyfriend's hand to hold that makes that all (somewhat) better <3) also they hurt sometimes because. guys that so many scars and also a lot of scars on joints like there is no way it *doesn't* hurt sometimes. also also enderian fucking with their mind and that by proxy messing with their hands and stuff (I feel like they also get really bad brain fog sometimes because of corruption but . that's fizzled out after centross died and now it's mostly just a lot of disassociating)

I also think their back scar(s) hurts a lot/often - especially during like the end of summer fall kinda months. when they get their wings back after quixis it honestly gets better on terms of it (mostly because they're less focused on the pain)

also also chronic fatigue and just constantly being exhausted. like definitely after centross' death but *especially* after coming home from being Quixis. they kinda just struggle through it, getting up and doing things but they're pretty tired practically the whole day unless they're really excited about it. (They have been known to sleep for days at a time both before and after and event if it is particularly big, gotta get that rest in.)

I think the lightning doesn't cause constant pain but it does give them some bad flare-ups and spasms periodically

the wack . oh the portal . okay so ; eye definitely hurts sometimes - which in my opinion is probably more psychological than it is an actual pain ; portal wise - I do think fenris did leave a scar under the portal, but like. ic wasn't aware of it until coming back from being quixis, and while I don't think that one gives them issues, I do think the portal left an effect on their breathing. Kinda like the sculk but to a lesser degree, and also *mostly* psychological - Icarus is very careful about how they breathe after the portal goes away because they don't want it to hurt again. they can take mostly full breaths but it's not like. complete.

anyway . im so normal about them

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

PHIA SABAN INTERVIEWED BY DECIDER MAGAZINE.

RYAN CONDAL TALKING ABOUT HELAENA.

"Whatever this ability that she has, she’s learning to wield it, or to pay more heed to it, or she’s learning how to interpret it better."

Condal said, before elaborating that the trauma of watching her son be murdered and the stress of living during a war was affecting her abilities.

Nevertheless, he cautioned that it’s not a switch Helaena can just turn on and off.

"She’s not just gonna, from the beginning of her life to the end, have the same sort of level of grasp of this ability."

"We’re seeing it certainly change."

WE'RE TOLD HELAENA HAS BONDED WITH DREAMFYRE, BUT SHE HATES RIDING. SO HOW DO YOU SEE THAT BOND, THAT CONNECTION BETWEEN HELAENA AND DREAMFYRE?

"Yeah."

"Sometimes it’s too sad for me to imagine."

"[pauses and giggles nervously] I mean, think that we see about Helaena, that she has an affinity sometimes more to creatures than she does to human beings."

"So I think that we can safely imagine that it’s a very loving, sort of, soul-connecting relationship."

"I don’t know."

"I always feel like, isn’t it about horses?"

"They say that they’re so relaxing to be around because they’re like pure empathy?"

"I can only imagine that a lovely dragon would be the same way."

"Yeah, I’d like to see Helaena and her dragon, but apparently she’s not into that."

APPEARING IN DAEMON'S VISION IS SOMETHING NEW. HOW DID YOU INTERPRET WHAT SHE WAS DOING IN THAT PART OF THE EPISODE?

"Yeah, it’s a really interesting one."

"I think sometimes I can get away with abstract thinking because, in my mind, it’s not entirely clear to Helaena what her powers are."

"In my imagination, I think that since her massive trauma this season, she’s spent more time disassociated from the real world."

"Maybe that’s led to a greater association with this other realm of feeling, but maybe she would be constantly trying to kind of push it away because it makes her feel uncomfortable or it’s inconvenient or it widens the gap between her and other people in her life."

"I think something to do with her disassociation, from her trauma in the real world, has meant that she’s staking more of a claim in that other world."

I don’t think that means that world would suddenly make sense to her and she’s like, 'Oh, this is how it works,' and the mechanics of it.

"But in my imagination, I think that she had a sense and a feeling that there was someone else that she’s connected to in some way."

"That had sort of, like, opened the door to this sort of dream world."

"So she kind of went there, too."

I do think there’s a question about how much of Daemon’s vision that includes Helaena is his own projection and how much is actually her there being like, [ominous voice] 'You know what you must do.'

"[giggles] So I don’t know about that."

"Because I think that in the real world psychology of dreams, it’s often that when you see someone else in a dream, that’s actually an aspect of yourself that you’ve given the face of someone else."

"You know, in order to have a distance."

"So I don’t know."

"I guess all I’m saying is it’s all very up to interpretation."

IN THE FOLLOWING SCENE BETWEEN HELAENA AND AEMOND, I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER SEEN HER SPEAK SO CONFIDENTLY AND CLEARLY ABOUT WHAT SHE'S SEEN, OR EVEN JUST SO DIRECTLY TO ANOTHER CHARACTER. WHERE DID THAT CONFIDENCE SUDDENLY COME FROM? LIKE THE POWER DYNAMIC JUST COMPLETELY GOES TOPSY-TURVY BETWEEN THEM IN THAT SCENE.

"Yeah, I know."

"I think it’s the most eye contact she’s ever made in both seasons of House of the Dragon."

"She saved it all up for the balcony."

"I think that she’s used to, in many ways, being a pawn, and she’s used to, in many ways, doing what is convenient to people that she loves, despite the fact that it’s not in her comfort zone."

"But I think that — with what I was saying before about the disassociation and maybe more of the embracing of this otherness that she has — it is a step too far for Aemond to ask her to kill people."

"I think that he also catches her at that moment where she’s just been quite empowered in her sort of 'mind palace' or whatever you’d like to call it."

"So it becomes extremely serious and direct."

"Almost like, I need to meet you on this energy that you’ve got just to tell you there’s absolutely no use pursuing what you’re doing."

"Because I know what the truth is and the truth is that any desperate attempt isn’t going to change the course of destiny."

That directness is because she feels like, 'Oh, I just got this rush of clarity and I’m going to spend it now.'

"And then I don’t imagine that she’s then going to go off, around, and use that energy the rest of the day."

"It was a moment that she could go, 'Boom!' Then it’s kind of over."

I WANT TO DRILL DOWN INTO THE IDEA THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO KILL PEOPLE. LIKE SHE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY TARGARYEN WHO'S NOT WILLING TO CROSS THAT LINE, NO MATTER WHAT. WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT MORAL CLARITY COMES FROM?

"I think, partially, because she’s not engaged with politics."

"In politics, people are statistics and numbers and ways of getting what you want."

"She’s developed more of a kind of humanist approach and I think she values life."

"She sees beauty as separate to how useful someone can be to her."

"Yeah, I think it’s just a line for her."

I also think that her being asked to step that far out of her comfort zone, after the worst thing that’s possibly happened has happened to her son, she’s like, 'I’m trying every single day to not think about what happened to my baby. You can’t ask me to go and sort of get my hands bloody as well.'

"That’s a step too far."

"But yeah, I do think she just has a sort of innate value for [life]."

"What she loves is serenity."

I ASKED YOU ABOUT THE 'HELAEMOND' RUMORS, AND YOU WERE SAYING HOW SOMETIMES YOU AND EWAN WOULD DO A TAKE FOR HELAEMOND. DID ANY OF THESE MAKE IT INTO THE SEASON? WAS THERE ANY LITTLE GLIMMER OR MOMENT WHERE YOU COULE LOOK BACK AND YOU WERE LIKE, 'OH, ARE WE HAVING A LITTE FUN THERE?' OR IS IT ALL CUTTING ROOM FLOOR?

"It’s interesting."

"I think that when we said that, we probably got people too excited that we were going to hold hands or, like, make out or something."

I think that what we felt more when we were like, 'Oh, we’re doing time for Helaemond,' is like we so rarely get to be even in a room together, you know, let alone a scene together.

"From the beginning, before there were any rumors online or anything, we decided very early on in Season 1, we had a strong feeling that they have a sort of connection, or like a knowingness to each other."

I think that when we say, 'Oh, we’re doing it for Helaemond,' or whatever, I think what we really mean is that we just get really excited to play that dynamic together.

"We’ve just come to call that Helaemond, but maybe not in the sense that people on the Internet call it."

"I want to ask another very hyper nerdy question."

"I remember watching a video that you had done with the other cast where you were asked trivia questions about the lore of the show."

"The question of Daenerys’s dragon eggs came up and you knew about the rumor that Dreamfyre might have been the mother of those eggs."

"There’s been some debate whether or not Rhaenyra’s kids have the dragon eggs this season, whether it’s still the Elissa Farman story… What’s your personal theory on where the eggs came from?"

I was just sure that I’d read on my 'Dragon Wiki'…

When I got the part, I was like, 'Oh, what’s Dreamfyre like?'

"And I was sure that it said on the Dragon Wiki that they think that her eggs were the descendants of Daenerys’s dragons."

So when I answered that question, I was like, 'I’m gonna get points for this and no one else knows!'

And they said, 'No, it’s from Rhaenyra.'

"So I don’t know."

"Maybe it’s…who knows?"

"I’d like to think that Dreamfyre’s in there somewhere."

"Maybe it’s a big Maester cover up."

"That’s what they like to say as well, isn’t it?"

ASSUMING ALICENT'S SCHEMES WORK AND THAT YOU GUYS COULD POTENTIALLY ESCAPE, WHERE WOULD YOU IDEALLY SEE HELAENA WIND UP?

"I think she’d quite like it on that lake that Alicent went to last episode."

"That’s lovely."

"I want to go there."

"It’s a funny one."

I think that partially when Helaena says, 'Where would I go?'

It’s a completely genuine question of, like, 'What have you got in mind?'

"But I don’t think Helaena has seen evidence of a life that she would like for herself, really."

"So I think that a big part of her growing up has been like trying not to yearn for something else."

Because she’s like, 'It’s just not out there. And I can create the world, the life I want for myself in my hands with these bugs.'

"So the idea that there could actually be somewhere else that she could physically go when she’s kind of spent her whole life coming to terms with the fact that this is the hand she’s been dealt, I don’t think she can possibly imagine it."

"I mean if it were up to me, I’d like to go to Harrenhal because I love the vibes over there."

"And Alys Rivers and everything."

"Actually, maybe it might be quite cool for Helaena to have just a moment with Alys Rivers."

"Yeah, because maybe she could feel an affinity with her or something."

IN THE BOOK, AEMOND SEEMS TO THINK ALYS IS THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM THAT HE DIES AT THE GOD'S EYE.

"Oh really?"

YEAH, MAYBE THEY HAVE SORT OF A FRIENDSHIP GOING ON.

"That’d be nice."

"Yeah, they kind of, like hang out."

"They go and have their dreams and, like, hang out in between."

"That would be so nice!"

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE ONE ON SET OR A FAVORITE LITTLE INSECT EASTER EGG?

"On set, Helaena’s bedroom is beautiful, and there’s loads of — I can’t remember what it’s called, the insects with the pins in them, which I like to think they all died of natural causes."

"On set, the live insects I got to work with were tiny little crickets in a cage."

"They kept making little escapes and jumping out, which was so fun."

"It was just really fun to work with real animals."

"So, yeah, on set, crickets and in real life, spiders."

"Actually, it’s not an insect, but in this room, yesterday, was a bat."

"So that was really fun as well."

[mrs-willow]

"A Raven and a Falcon" benji x oc

Disclaimer: I am not familiar with the Dance of Dragons books or the accurate storyline, so I have decided to change it to fit this story. I could not find an exact or reliable family tree for either House Blackwood or House Arryn, so I just made my own characters.  

The dance never actually happens!!! Viserys doesn’t die until he reaffirms Rhaenyra as his heir, and after that big family dinner, Rhaenyra returns on Dragon back, and she and Alicent talk out everything. There are mutual apologies, tears, laughter, and everyone lives. 

This is a sappy slow burn with angst, fluff, smut later, and everything I make up when I disassociate.  

This is literally my first post on here or any other website, so please be nice. I am writing this solely for my own enjoyment… there needs to be more Benjicot Blackwood material on this app.  However, I would still love feedback, and if there is something that you think would add to the story, message me, and I’ll see what I can do. 

Summary: Lady Lillian of the House Arryn reaches her eight and ten in a fortnight and has yet to be wed or promised to another Lord. After returning from Kings Landing for the coronation of Queen Rhaenyra Targaryen, she is informed of her Father and brother's plans to wed her to a man she has only seen glimpses of and whose reputation is insanity and bloodlust. Lillian learns to love this new stranger, or will she be forced into a life of loneliness and solitude and made to produce heirs until she dies?

Warnings: smut (later), blood, violence, cursing, period typical sexism, alternating POVs, (idk lmk if I should add more stuff)

Chapter 1

As Caelan strode through the corridors of the Eyrie he pondered the rumors of the castle being haunted just as Harenhall is. The man had grown up running through these halls with his siblings, escaping the septas and playing games of war and duels, and yet he could not remember the strange sound of wind whistling through the columns and doorways, creating the strange feeling that someone was trying to speak with you. That fate awaits one as one grows from boy to man. 

Caelans riding boots echo on the dark stone as he makes his way to the Arryn family's apartments. The decorations adorning the walls turn from mosaic replicas of the vast mountain range the Castle was built in, with striking figures of falcons soaring through twenty-foot billowing clouds to soft tapestries displaying a man, his wife, and four beaming blonde children. Metalwork of falcons and moons adorns the tall arches of doorways, and vases of flows rode in from the reach sit colorfully in vases. 

This deep into the castle, the man and the flowers are protected from the harsh rain and winds whipping through the outermost corridors and open rooms. Still, as he enters Lord Arryns personal study, Caelan finds all four hearths of the great room lit as the aging man cannot escape the chill of a month's travel on the King's Road during winter.

At the sound of someone entering the great room, the old man looks up from the pages he had previously been contemplating. It's funny how a few words can cause so much stress. Robert Arryn was a kind man, loved by his bannerman, and respected in court and on the battlefield. His Knights of the Vale were among the fiercest armies in the Seven Kingdoms and were recently praised by the new Queen Rhaenyra when Robert matched them south as a show of support for the true Queen and a warning for those who mean to harm her. Among his Knights, the Seasnakes Armada, the Blackwood host, and the Northmen showed formidable support for their true queen. Yet, Robert is no longer a twenty-year-old man poised for battle and all manner of foolish, daring adventures, and this long trip has taken its toll on the man's bones.

He muttered as he met his son at the table. 

“The realms delight should’ve lived up to the title and held the coronation in spring to spare all us old men the pain of the cold set into our bones.” 

The young man subtly rolled his eyes away from his disgruntled father. “If you had listened to my warnings of the rain while on horseback, perhaps you would not be in such discomfort, Father,” Caelan teased with a small smirk. 

Robert sent the young man his most fearsome glare, “I will not be laughed at in my own home, boy. Now go get your father a pelt so he might not freeze to death in the damn winter.” 

Calan rose, joking that the “bloody Starks are always right at some point. Winter is Here.” 

The two men sat side by side momentarily, gazing into the crackling fire. One old man sat grateful that he had not been called to fight another war, “so much death and cruelty in the world,” he thought, “thank the old gods and the new that my children will not know war.” The younger man sat gazing at the flames, contemplating his father's reasons for calling him here at such a late hour with the castle all but asleep. His mind immediately drifted to the worst reasons for the summoning, and he prayed his worries would soon be eased when his Lord Father stopped being such a dramatic old crow.

“Father, why have you summoned me at such an odd hour?” Caelan questioned. The man knew better than to press his father for answers and thus sat patiently like a little boy waiting for his father's commands. 

Robert sighed. He then rose and retrieved the papers he had been studying when Caelan first arrived in the study. Wordlessly, Robert handed the letter to his son and resumed his place at the table, once again falling silent.

As Caelan reads the letter addressed to Lord Robert Arryn of the Vale, the reality of getting older becomes present and clear as the childhood he once knew begins to fade into blurry memories filled with love and laughter.

Caelan reaches his father's eyes, “Lillian is to be…” he pauses and lets his father's eyes answer his question. 

“She is to be Married,” Robert affirms. “She is nearly ten and eight; the time has come, and it would do her more harm than good to shelter her here until it truly is impossible for us to let her go or her to let us.”

Caelan leans back in the oversized chair he adorns, “She will be livid,” he warns his father. 

“Aye,” Robert agrees, “but that is the way of things and she cannot hide in these mountains forever.” 

“Father, I agree, but truly to that man?” Caelan questions. “You cannot possibly think that giving Lillian to a psycho would be wise?”

“Mind your tongue, boy,” Robert warns. “His father is one of my oldest friends and closest allies.” Robert reminds his emotional Son.

“Yes, of course, but that does not discredit the news we hear of his son. We mu-”

Robert rose swiftly from his chair, “I will hear none of this. Samwell Blackwood and I were raised side by side. We learned to shoot, ride, and wield swords together, and I trust that the man I grew up with raised a son who is equally honorable and just as he is.”

Caelan slumped forward, defeated. “At least allow me to inform her of this change to her life?” the man asked. “She will be more forgiving if it comes from me rather than you.”

Robert sighed. He felt pride swell in his breast for his eldest son and his three younger children. He was proud to have raised them in a manner that made them friends and confidants rather than enemies. He knew then and there that his eldest son would be equally loved and honored as Lord of the Vale when death came for him. 

“I will allow it, but it must be done in the morning. She will leave the day following her name day.” 

“Thank you, father. If I may retire to my chambers, I sense tomorrow will be a trying day.” 

Robert raised his hand and bid his son a good night, then called after him, “Caelan? Please tell her that I’m sorry.”

Caelan paused and sighed, “Father, you must tell her this yourself. Soon, she will no longer be a short walk from your own chamber.”

With that, the heir to House Arryn headed back toward his chambers and noticed that the howling in the halls sounded sweater, slightly more musical and feminine.

Back in the study, Lord Arryn stood in front of the hearth in contemplation. He reminisced about the times his family was still whole and couldn’t help but feel that he was chipping away yet another piece of his soul in allowing his daughter to leave the safety of her family.   

[helloalycia]

𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 𝐈 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐓𝐎 [𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄] — 𝐋𝐔𝐂𝐘 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐃

summary: as you struggle to accept Lucy Gray's absence, Mayfair continues to push your buttons, landing you in hot water with your parents.

warning/s: mentions of the Hunger Games (duh) and mild violence.

author's note: here is the final part! also happy new year everyone, forgot to say it! hope you like this one :)

one / two / masterlist / wattpad

It was difficult to keep up with the Games as they went on during the week. I'd never had need to before, but this year was different for obvious reasons.

The electricity in District 12 was shit enough as is, but even worse so was the signal on the TV when it did occasionally work. I caught the Games and interviews a few times, but not for very long and never did I actually see Lucy Gray, only some of the other tributes or very dark scenes of the arena. She could have died already for all I knew, but deep in my heart, I just couldn't believe that.

I tried to be there for the Covey as much as I could, checking in on them at least once a day throughout the week, and they did the same for me, the lot of us forming a sort of support group. And I also had Y/BF/N to keep me sane throughout it all, but the only people who didn't understand my change in attitude were my parents. I couldn't blame them of course, considering they didn't know what Lucy Gray was to me, but it was still hard.

One evening at dinner time, my appetite wasn't very big. It hadn't been since Lucy Gray had left, but it was beginning to be ruined entirely when my dad started talking about the Games as a pastime.

"...keep getting a bunch of comms from the Capitol about how popular it is this year," he was saying, a mere comment but one that upset me because all I could think about was Lucy Gray. "Apparently Lucy Gray is a popular contender. The Capitol love her singing."

My fork dropped from my hand as a frown curled on my lips. How dare the Capitol love her, only to send her to her death for their entertainment.

"What's wrong?" my dad asked, but my mum shook her head at him. Not seeming to get the hint, he said, "What? She's been off all night. I'm just asking."

She shook her head again, making him sigh with offence, and I couldn't take sitting here for much longer.

"Can I please be excused?" I asked without looking at either of them.

"Of course, honey," my mum said sympathetically, and I was grateful that she seemed emotionally aware enough to notice something was up.

Leaving the dining room immediately, I headed straight for my bedroom and got straight into bed, needing the comfort and warmth of my duvet. It was lame to imagine it was Lucy Gray here with me, I knew it, but I did it anyway.

I should have said it back. Why didn't I say it back? I knew I loved her, I had loved her for a while now. How couldn't I? But I didn't say it and I fucking should have. God, I was a fool.

About twenty minutes later, a knock on my door pulled me from my disassociation, and when I didn't answer, my dad stuck his head through the door. Once he spotted me, he let himself in a took a seat at the edge of my bed, a guilty expression on his face.

"I'm sorry," he said, which surprised me. "I've been so busy at work that I haven't realised how hard it must be seeing one of your schoolmates in the Games."

That wasn't it at all, but I shrugged anyway.

"She was a friend," he noticed. "Wasn't she?"

I couldn't answer, not without my heart breaking at the truth of who she was to me.

He sighed gently. "She was bad news, Y/N."

I clenched my jaw at his biased opinion. "Forget it–"

"Wait," he cut me off. "Let me finish."

I looked up at him, glaring, but he didn't let it faze him.

"She's bad news, but she was still a good girl. And I'm sorry for what she's going through," he said, in his strange way of trying to understand.

It was the best I would get from him, especially since he didn't know the truth, so I accepted it. "Thank you."

He leaned down to hug me, and like the little girl I was, I let my daddy comfort me like he used to.

"Me and your mother are worried about you," he said once he pulled back. "Please eat more."

I nodded reluctantly. The last thing I wanted to do was worry them. He seemed to accept my answer, as he relaxed a little then left me to get some sleep.

Once again, it was a difficult night.

She could still be alive, that was what I kept telling myself. The Games hadn't ended, not that I knew of, and though I didn't truly know if she had died in the few days it had been going on, I kept telling myself the opposite. She could still be hiding from everyone, or somehow got lucky and taken out her opponents. I wasn't sure, but thinking anything else was breaking me.

I was at the markets with Y/BF/N, helping her pick up some bits for her parents and trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't be thinking of Lucy Gray, when none other than Mayfair decided to piss me off.

"Well, if it isn't Y/L/N," she said with amusement, Billy Taupe at her side. "Haven't seen you around much. Not since your little songbird left."

I rolled my eyes and ignored her taunting, not in the mood to put up with her. Y/BF/N ignored her too, the two of us looking at some shirts for her mum, but Mayfair wasn't getting the hint.

"You're lookin' a little rough," she continued. "Not doin' so hot without her?"

"You okay?" Y/BF/N said quietly for me to hear, and I nodded.

"She won't be doin' much singing in the arena, I suppose," Mayfair added. "Other priorities and such."

"Will you shut up?" I snapped at her, knowing she wasn't going to leave if I didn't speak.

"Or what?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, as if daring me.

I clenched my jaw, glaring at her, but Y/BF/N squeezed my arm gently.

"Forget her," she reminded me, and I would have listened, but Mayfair didn't know when to shut up, and I just couldn't take her attitude anymore.

"It's where she belongs," she said, my final straw. "She's not so charmin' when she's dead–"

I smacked her hard across the face, making a few passers-by stop to witness the commotion, and Billy Taupe and Y/BF/N gasped with surprise. It felt good, I wouldn't lie, especially when I saw the redness on Mayfair's cheek.

Mayfair glared fiercely before lungeing at me, sending me backwards into the vegetable stand. The breath was knocked out of me, and then she yanked on my hair harshly, making me scream at the suddenness of it all. I shoved her backwards and she grabbed my jacket in the process, forcing me to get out of it before she could have me in her clutches. Furious, I lunged for her with every intention to punch that smug smile right off her face, but someone blocked my way and held me at bay.

It was a peacekeeper, and they were doing the same with her, and I wouldn't have doubted she was my mirror at the moment – angry and red-faced.

That was how I found myself sat in my dad's office for the second time in my life, though this time Mayfair was seated beside me, and her father was here too.

"...and it doesn't make sense why you were both fighting!" my father was saying with confusion. "You're both friends, aren't you?"

I scoffed at that, crossing my arms defensively. The mayor shook his head with disapproval, before looking to his daughter.

"Are you gonna tell me why you fought?" he asked her, opting for a gentler approach.

The two of them had been trying to get to the bottom of our fight for ten minutes now, but neither Mayfair and I were willing to talk.

"Why don't you tell them why you got bitch slapped?" I finally spoke, looking to Mayfair with a sneer.

"Y/N!" my dad scolded, but Mayfair spoke up a second afterwards, meeting my glare.

"Why don't you tell your dad why you're so upset about the chosen District 12 girl tribute this year?"

I pressed my lips together to contain every insult that was threatening to be said, instead settling on burning holes into Mayfair's face. Neither of us spoke, knowing we couldn't admit to anything, even if we wanted to get each other into trouble.

Everybody knew Mayfair had something to do with Lucy Gray's reaping, but there was no physical proof, and her admitting why she was fighting with me in the first place would be all the evidence my dad needed to intervene. Similarly, my dad could never find out exactly what Lucy Gray meant to me and why I was so defensive against Mayfair. So, we were at a stalemate.

"Fine," the mayor decided, sounding tired. "We'll agree to disagree, but this behaviour is not tolerated."

"You'll avoid each other if you have to, but I don't want to see this happen again," my dad ordered.

I rolled my eyes as Mayfair scoffed under her breath. We were soon dismissed, escorted home separately, and though my mum tried to get the truth out of me, I was unwilling to share it. I was just surprised I hadn't received a punishment from my dad, especially when he came home later that evening. For whatever reason, he let it slide.

I'd just have to avoid Mayfair, it seemed. Easier said than done, but it was better than ripping her head off out of pure anger. I'd never hated someone so much in my life, but fighting her wouldn't bring me back Lucy Gray, no matter how much I wanted it to.

It was a few days later when I was bringing some tea into my dad's study, per my mum's request, when I saw him ending a phone call with a surprised look on his face. I set the tea down on his desk before glancing at him with concern.

"You okay?" I asked. "Who was that?"

He blinked, as if still digesting whatever he'd heard. "It was the Capitol. Apparently I'm to escort home the winner of the Hunger Games."

I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure if I'd heard correctly. "What? You're what?"

"That songbird, your schoolmate, Lucy Gray Baird," he clarified. "She won."

My breathing hitched as I widened my eyes. Lucy Gray had won? She'd won the Hunger Games? She was alive?

"Lucy Gray– she's coming home?" I asked, feeling the rate of my heart increasing with every piece of information discovered. "When?"

"Tomorrow morning," my dad answered, taking the cup of tea.

Tomorrow. She was coming home tomorrow!

"The Covey," I got out, struggling to contain my excitement, bewilderment and surprise all at once, "do they know?"

My dad quirked a brow at my reaction. "I'll be sure to let them know. I'm sure they'll want to be there at the station when she arrives."

Oh, they were going to be so happy to have Lucy Gray back! How I wished I could see their reaction when my dad told them. And tomorrow morning – I could be there too, when they greeted her at the station! I could finally see her and touch her and hold her and–

"You know you won't be there, right?" my dad burst my bubble in seconds. "I know I said she was a good girl, but this changes things, Y/N. She's dangerous. Who knows what she did to win the Games? How many kids do you think she killed in there?"

"As many as she needed to," I said sternly. "It was the Games. That's how you play them."

He shook his head, disagreeing. "I want you nowhere near her or them. You hear me?"

"I go to school with them," I reminded him through gritted teeth.

"You know what I mean."

I swallowed thickly, in disbelief that he would create a villain of her for something she was forced to do. But what was I to expect from a man who never trusted the Covey in the first place? Sure, they were good for a party, but to have them in your circle was a different story. I hated that he thought that.

No, there was no way he was going to stop me from seeing her. Not after she finally made it out alive.

My dad wasn't joking when he said he didn't want me at the station to greet Lucy Gray. As if he expected me to disobey him, he left some peacekeepers to guard the area, only letting the Covey there to pick her up.

I had no choice but to wait not far out from the station, out of sight from the peacekeepers but directly on the only route back to their house in the Seam, so they'd have to pass me to get home. The Covey knew of my plan, so I found myself waiting there eagerly for Lucy Gray's arrival.

No matter how hard I tried to plan what I would do and say once I saw her, nothing seemed right. I decided to just let it be and do what felt right in the moment, but just the thought of seeing her again after a whole week and a half which felt like much longer left me nervous.

I checked my watch. 10am. Her train should have been pulling in now. I made sure I looked somewhat presentable before waiting another ten minutes, and then I heard footsteps. I turned around and saw the Covey, all chatting away with Lucy Gray in the middle.

She looked stunning, a little underweight, but with that same positive glow that only she could possess with a single smile. Already, tears were forming in my eyes because I was finally seeing her again in person, it wasn't my dreams.

Her eyes soon found mine and she slowed down, smile fading once she realised it was me. I wet my lips, straightening up subconsciously, and approached her.

"We'll give you a minute," Barb Azure said, squeezing my shoulder with a relieved smile, before leading the others away.

I glanced at them, before returning my attention to Lucy Gray, who was single-handedly warming my heart. She was back. She was alive. I hadn't missed my chance.

Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around her tightly, eyes closing as tears dropped down my cheeks. "I love you too," I muttered into her shoulder. "So much."

I felt her arms wrapping around me too, and then she began to laugh quietly, sending shivers all over my skin. I didn't let go, not for a whole minute, and neither did she. Never again did I think I'd be able to hold her so close, let alone tell her I loved her too.

"You did it," I said, pulling back slightly, and I realised she was crying too.

She nodded in response, and I lifted my hand to cup her cheek, thumb wiping away her tears.

"I'm sorry I couldn't see you at the station," I said quickly. "My dad said no and he had guards there so I couldn't–"

She cut me off with a kiss, brief but delicate, making the fireworks in my chest explode at the contact.

"I missed you so goddamn much," she said once she pulled away, resting her forehead on mine.

"I missed you too," was all I could say, and even then it didn't feel like enough.

The way I missed her was indescribable. A part of me had been missing this whole time, and now that she was back, I felt whole again. I couldn't lose her again, I just couldn't.

Losing Lucy Gray and being lucky enough to get her back only made me realise one thing: life was too short to hide what meant the most to you. And though Lucy Gray was adamant on not causing trouble between my family and I, happy to be my secret, I just couldn't take it any longer.

Sneaking around and lying to my parents wasn't worth it, and Lucy Gray deserved so much better than that, especially after all she'd faced. So, I finally had the guts to tell my parents the truth.

About a week after the Games ended, I found my parents sat in the living room, the one day off my dad had which meant they were both present.

"Mum, dad, I need to tell you something important," I said when I found the courage.

My mum, who was reading a book, looked up at me, sensing my nerves. "Honey, you okay?"

I nodded, then stood in front of the couch before them. My dad lowered his newspaper and quirked a brow, both confused and intrigued by my entry.

"I just need you to listen before you reply," I said carefully. "Please, don't be angry."

"Well, now you're worrying us," my dad said, straightening up in his seat. "You in trouble?"

I shook my head, before taking a deep breath. "So, you know Lucy Gray, the girl who–"

"Won the Hunger Games, yes we know," my dad finished for me.

"Your school friend, right?" my mum asked.

I nodded. "Yes, she's... she's much more than that though." At this, my dad raised both his eyebrows, so I quickly added, "I know you wanted me to stay away from her and her family, but they aren't bad people. They're just a little different. They only have each other."

"That's not an excuse for the things they get up to," my dad retorted, but my mum nudged him and shot him a look that told him to pipe down.

"Thanks," I said to her gratefully, before continuing, "So, yeah, Lucy Gray. Well, the thing is..." Now or never. "I'm in love with her. And she's in love with me. And I don't want you to hate me or be disappointed, because I can't help who I'm in love with."

My dad wore a blank expression, as my mum was surprised and tried to digest my words. I stayed quiet for a moment, giving them chance to process and also calm my racing heart.

"Being in love with her doesn't change a thing," I explained, unable to stay quiet for too long. "I'm still doing well in school, still on track for the job at the Justice Building, but I love her. And I want to be with her without having to hide it from you both. She's more than a friend, always has been."

My palms were growing increasingly sweaty as neither of them said anything, and I soon wondered if I'd spoken at all because of their silence. But then my dad stood up and glared at me, and I knew it was real.

"Are you crazy, Y/N?! Lucy Gray?! You're in love with the Covey girl?!" he yelled. "What the hell are you thinking?!"

"Y/D/N, calm down–" my mum said, standing up too.

"Calm down?! She's throwing her future away for nothing!" he shouted, before shaking her hands off and leaving the room suddenly.

As the echo of the door slamming filled the silence, I hugged myself uncomfortably and waited for round two with my mum.

"Give him time," she said softly, surprising me. I looked up, and she rested a hand on my shoulder. "I'm proud of you for telling us the truth. Couldn't have been easy with your father's attitude."

I blinked, sighing with relief. She wasn't angry.

"Lucy Gray seems lovely," she added with a warm smile. "It's a shame that she was picked for the Games, but her positivity hasn't faltered, that much is clear. She's strong."

"She is," I agreed, still in disbelief that my mum wasn't upset with me.

She pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me gently. "I should've known it was something more when you were acting all weird when she was gone. I'm sorry that you couldn't trust me."

"It's not you," I assured her, pulling apart. "I just wasn't sure how to say it, knowing how dad feels about them."

"Oh, I'll sort him out," she said dismissively. "Now come here. I wasn't finished with the hug."

I laughed, letting her pull me in for an even tighter embrace.

"You gonna tell me what the surprise is or are you just gonna keep dragging me behind you?"

Lucy Gray scoffed dramatically at my words, not stopping as she dragged me by the hand, leading me to the meadow. "It wouldn't be a surprise if I just told you, would it, darlin'?"

I tried not to laugh at how easily frustrated she could get with my impatience. Ever since I'd told my parents the truth about us, of which my dad eventually came around to the idea thanks to my mum, I no longer had to sneak around with Lucy Gray. And today, she'd quite literally dragged me all the way from my house and out here to the meadow for a 'surprise'.

After much playful protesting from me and groaning from Lucy Gray, we finally reached her favourite spot at the top of the meadow. A giant tree sat on the brow of the hill that overlooked the whole field, with another log beneath it that Lucy Gray loved to visit to write songs or be alone. Already waiting for us was her guitar, propped up against the log.

"Am I about to be serenaded again?" I teased, making her roll her eyes playfully.

"Shut up and sit down," she ordered lightheartedly, and I laughed as I did just that.

She grabbed her guitar before sitting next to me, facing me slightly. Really, I'd been eager to hear her sing for me since she did last time (which now felt like so long ago). Since she'd been back from the Games, she'd returned to performing in the Hob as usual, of which I'd watched with adoration. But this was different, less of a performance and much more intimate than being on a stage could allow.

"So, I don't know if you remember that song I was writin' for you before... y'know," she began in an uncharacteristically shy voice, "but I finally finished it."

"Lucy Gray, of course I remember," I told her with a small smile. "It's the best thing anyone's ever done for me."

She began to smile too, nodding. "Right. Well, like I said, I managed to finish it. And I'd like to sing it for you, if you'll let me."

I nodded encouragingly, getting comfortable on the log and admiring her as she also got ready. Licking her lips, she began to strum her guitar, starting off quiet before settling on a rhythm that was dreamy and delicate and soothing.

"Love songs are fleeting,

but the melodies stick with you.

I have learned your heart,

and memorised the tune.

It's my favourite,

I'll sing it in any occasion.

It'll be my soundtrack,

beyond our youth."

Just like she did the last time, her voice was soft but strong, quiet but powerful, and her eyes were closed as she felt the meaning of every word. Even after hearing it a second time, I was hanging onto her every word, eager to hear the rest.

"Honey now we're older,

but we'll never age.

I don't think my love will

ever start to fade.

My attachment to you

isn't subject to change.

My heart’s yours forever

and always."

She gave me a comforting smile that sent a warmth all over my body as she finished the chorus, and I didn't know what to do. Her words were beautiful, and I felt too lucky to have someone who felt that way about me.

"Every note you hum,

is a classic through and through.

I'll add them to a list called

'All Things I Look Forward To'.

It's my favourite,

even if no one will play it.

I only want a future

filled with you."

Again, even after hearing it a second time, I was in awe. Tears of happiness pooled in my eyes as she moved onto the chorus again, her voice smooth and stunning, lulling me into her trance. She hummed as she played, building up to the bridge, and I never wanted her to stop.

"I'll sing it it still in 10 years time

20, 30, 99.

I'll dance as long as I can stand,

partner for life take my hand.

We'll set the record for strongest love,

keep the vinyl free of dust.

Spin it soft eternally

and my dear you'll sing with me."

I wiped at my tears, embarrassed and simultaneously unbothered because nobody had ever made me feel this way before. She saw a future with me? She'd looked that far ahead and saw me by her side?

"Honey now we're older,

but we'll never age.

I don't think my love will

ever start to fade.

My attachment to you

isn't subject to change.

My heart's yours forever

and always."

She kept playing, notes as delicate as they were at the start, and hummed along until she faded the whole thing out, and then we were sat in silence as her words carried into the meadow.

"So, what do you think?" she asked, her shy smile returning as she set the guitar down.

"What do I think...," I repeated quietly, still reeling from her song. "I think that I didn't expect you to beat what you sang last time. That, surely, you couldn't improve it. But you proved me wrong and did just that."

She let out a chuckle, rolling her eyes to distract from the pink dusting her cheeks.

"Lucy Gray, I think you just made me fall even more in love with you, which is a feat considering I'm already in way too deep," I said lightheartedly, but I meant every word.

She wasn't sure what to say, and I couldn't think of anything more to add that would show her how she'd made me feel. So, I leaned forward and I kissed her. Resting my hand on the back of her neck, I pulled her close, pressing my lips to hers and sighing contently when she fell right into it.

I could have kissed her all day, but air became a problem and I remembered what I wanted to say to her.

"The song," I breathed out, meeting her honey-golden eyes. "What you said? It's the same for me too. Forever and always. I feel the same way. It's beautiful, Lucy Gray."

As if that was what she'd wanted to hear, her shoulders relaxed and she smiled beautifully. "I'm so glad you like it, Y/N."

I mirrored her smile before leaning again, this time taking it slower and appreciating the feeling of her so close to me. It was a feeling I was certain I could never forget.

[lizparkcr]

Ramble ahead -- I want muriel to be full of rage because it fixes so much about his characterisation and story

(i think the devs were avoiding him having any real anger bc the fandom would have crucified them as they did for everything else which sucks, but would explain a lot of his woobification)

it would explain how on earth he was actually able to kill yknow?? call me whatever but his characterisation as it is i don't think he'd be able to kill anyone or anything, past or present -- even when his only loved one was at stake. but if he was angry. if he let the years of subjugation, loneliness, helplessness, and exposure to corruption and violence just take hold of him, give into it -- because hes always been assumed to be violent due to his size and strength, and he gives up trying to prove he's not. Its not necessarily a consious decision and no, he doesn't want to kill, and maybe he does refuse to kill at first. but when forced and trapped in this horrific situation and treated like a monster and an object he throws himself away and gives in to the anger, and takes it out on people who are no longer people but those who have hurt him, people who its ok to hurt and kill (not that i think he would think about it this deeply, i think there'd be a whole lot of detachment and disassociation involved)

Less relevant stuff under the cut

it would add depth to his apparent self loathing and lack of self-worth

which would explain more deeply why he isolated himself and sees the curse of being forgotten as a "gift", why he doesn't even want to think about himself as a real person or be seen by anyone

it would add complexity to his pacifism, which in canon is less of a choice and more an extreme aversion to hurting anything due to PTSD. imo pacifism is not a very interesting trait when no part of you actually wants to hurt. like a part of him wants to use his strength, to actually fight back to show people they cannot control or subjugate him anymore. It just happens to twist into an awful rage that rots him during the gladiator days because there he is, being controlled and subjugated, but its the only power he has. I think he'd fantasise about killing lucio, but becomes utterly hopeless because he knows he cant, lucio becomes this figure of absolute power because of just how powerless he feels against him in the arena (which would further explain his passivity!! Like the way he didn't seem to even try to find a way to escape or figure out if he could keep asra safe. once he was done with a fight he just becomes hollow and passive, without that anger driving him he just empties, andd would let himself be hurt if someone attacked him -- similar to how he is in his route when attacked by those muggers)

He's afraid of becoming that monster again, or the MC seeing that side of him at the very least. Anger being associated with combat would have been a very real obstacle to break down during their training which could have added complexity to morga's character and their relationship

it would also make his and Inana's first meeting and him leaving make more sense: she's the straw that breaks it, muriel is beginning to crumble, or he's almost at the point of no return is maybe a better narrative. she is completely calm and knowing, and since she is/becomes his familiar, he sees himself for a moment as she sees him, as everyone sees him, and he's brought back to reality. and that's when he runs away