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(If this was asked before, I swear to god.) FullCompany (NUziVJ) Headcannons?
aaaaaaaaa time to write once more- i missed being able to type away like the lil shit i am-
anyhow- okay lets see- gonna add some things here- tbh my ideas was mostly for Jenvy ideas mainly- but i guess ill fit Uzi in there lol
Some JeNVUzi HCs:
[once again- Drone au only, and maybe minor suggestive content but not nsfw]
The polycule is essentially formed around Uzi pulling them back together-
J's original reason for siding with Cyn which was rooted in fear- was on the basis that she still had her team on her side so she could keep them safe and so theyd have eachother to rely on even after Cyn destroys everything. she did not however, account for Uzi coming along and messing everything up and ruining her team's alignment while she was "dead".
the entire reason J tried to kill N or V at any time was cuz she knew a clone of them would be sent back anyway- she has basically become desensitized towards death in general given she had also died around 12 times herself [canon]- V and N try to help her through this- during which they also deal with Vs behavior and Ns trauma too.
to communicate with J they often had to spar with her- seeing as she hated talking about feelings- but this became their own thing they all did afterwards to unwind and communicate- as J opened up a lot easier after feeling like she was reached out to.
Uzi and J bond over anime and gaming- the latter being somewhere J could actually use her anger on more effectively XD
they all like reading books every now and then where one would read and the others snuggle or cuddle- they take turns. [this is from their manor days]
J is... unable to emote or show emotion easily and it eats her alive. she can't show the appropriate needed emotion to the mood of the room and it makes her have breakdowns- occasionally throw up- as though you are desperately trying to cry but the tears wont come so you try heaving it out- make yourself fit in and look normal by trying to FEEL something- but she cant. J is a dated business model drone- custom made for office work- she was made to be this way- Cyn didn't change her- and she grows to hate herself for it. so when a situation happens that she doesn't know how to react, she leaves or hides- until N,V or Uzi find her- usually disassociating or somewhat catatonic.
Uzi occasionally feels out of place with the group, as though she's just being a literal 4th wheel, since they have history together. the others try to show her that she is important to them each in their own ways-
addressing the elephant in the room- yes, it took a long time for N and J to come to terms with eachother- J eventually accepting that her original reason for hating N [him being better than her or preferred over her esp by Tessa] wasn't important anymore- and tries to appreciate him and V and Uzi more in whatever is left of her life.
make no mistake V and J are still very much bitchy on a surface level- just cuz they are all growing close does not mean they are all now lovey dovey with eachother or sweet and character-redemption-ed with everyone around them. therefore: "playful catfights" >:3 !
V and Uzi tease J alot- this is one of the reasons why J found more comfort with N- not gonna tell him to his face tho lol.
J teaches N to draw better and they bond over that alot-
Uzi and J like attention alot- and they wanna get it by being as wordless as possible- very cat coded.
Uzi, V and N like to drag J into doing more normal things that have less to do with work. so far J has mostly shown some interest in writing and maybe poetry but she WILL shoot your head off if you try to read her stuff-
J's first kiss was with Uzi- N and V having kissed once back at the manor being eachothers first kiss. J thinks V kisses the best tho lol.
N and V like to cuddle a lot- J and Uzi are usually dependent on mood-
V likes to bite- J likes to be bitten, N and Uzi like both- :3
J likes playing with N and Uzi's fluffy hair. V only lets N touch her hair.
during intimate cuddles- J has passed out the most lol. Uzi following a close second lol-
Uzi and J yap alot about tech work-
hmm this is all i can think about for NOW-
:"3
#snowballflo#snow rambles#murder drones#fullcompany#nuzivj#jenvuzi#can i tag them all here?#idk#nuzi#vuzi#juzi#envy#yeah i dont feel like doing the rest#uzi doorman#serial designation n#serial designation v#serial designation j
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Saw a post earlier about software and hardware (slightly edited)
#luh's drawings#art#drawing#nine sols#ninesols#九日#nine sols yi#nine sols kuafu#nine sols shuanshuan#nine sols ruyi#nine sols kuafy#im gonna change the ship name from kuafi to kuafy just so its easier to tell apart from yi and ji and im like the only one using it on here#so i can basically able to do anything and make the rules lol#AGAIN SORRY about the suggestive joke. i dont usually make them so i feel awkward posting one but its chill they are 500+ years old#at first the only punchline was just the im software but then huh- yeah you can guess the rest (kuafy mind virus)#and hes whispering the joke to kuafu#yi is like damn that beautiful is just so darn soft holllyyy#Drawing solarians with tails REMEMBER WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US GHAAAA i think they should have tails
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ive just drawn my most beautiful ryuunosuke yet. for a memey injoke with my friends. please enjoy him regardless.
falls to my knees in shame
#ryunosuke naruhodo#my art#tgaa#suggestive#<-I GUESS#im really happy with the coloring. marker roll brush and i are in an enemies to lovers situation en#*rn#im rly happy with his eyes too!! i like to be pretty game accurate with facial proportions but also add my kind of more realismy style#and i think i nailed it this time around#i hope his cheeks look pinchable enough#i DID accidentally make his waist too thin but i dont feel like going back to fix it. i was using myself as an anatomy reference so hes-#-not as fat as i typically like him to be in my art#but rest assured next time im going to draw him chubbier#i do imagine him to be much skinnier precanon thiugh so idk. maybe this is precanon ryu#I FORGOT HIS KENDO BRACE ALSO so yeah. precanon ryuunosuke#forgive me father for i have sinned
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got three asks asking for laughingstock in a row, im putting the doodles i have On A Shelf <3
#the spite in me has Activated. so yall can Wait!#we get there when we get there and not a second before#i will say that i dont enjoy being Pressured or Pushed#im a person <3 not a content machine <3#and anyway im in a motivation slump rn! let me rest!#absolutely unprompted#its come to my attention that i need to be a little firmer with boundaries and such#so. im drawing a line in the sand of this Beach! (blog). (bog)#(do bogs have sand?)#im drawing a line in the Moss!#if i havent posted or drawn a certain thing in a while <3#Please don't come into my inbox like 'where's this / why havent you posted / draw more' etc etc <3#like mmmm thats one way to make me actively want to Not!#i draw what i want when i like. art is my hobby#& i have a very active spite drive! Unfortunately!#so Yes. the laughingstock machine is broken rn. i took a hammer to it#ill fix it when i feel like it#like ofc if youre genuinely like. concerned or whatever cause its been quiet. I Don't Mind!#but when its put in a way where its like. yk clearly Pushing for a certain thing i draw or whatever#its like yeah ok. Hush.#us artists are People please keep that in mind#if you miss a certain thing make your own or continue to enjoy what's already there! Slow Down!
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My lyrics for Double!! I really loved this song and became like a thousand times more impressed by Deco27 and Natsuki Hanae after working with it for so long 😅 I chickened out of recording this one in the apartment but if anyone wants to cover it... lmk.... 👀 I can definitely put something together to help hear how the rhythms work, because I got it all to line up very nicely! (Lyrics under the cut and my little commentary in the tags)
(I’ve got you, leave it to me!)
Welcome home, it's another day, keeping things at bay, you see no change
Not a smile in this mess, you're doing your best, you say (wake up)
"Don't need a break" as you proceed to start breaking, both sleeping and waking makes you bleed
And now, reborn anew -- I'll take in on for you
Not your plan? Who gives a damn, I'm here and here is where I'll stay
It's just the two of us, nothing left to run from. You're safe now, your hero's come.
All I did was dream, is that a crime? Is that enough to name me guilty by?
"He can't be trusted, he lied," you cried. Made me out as the bad guy. But why?
Ah, I'm the one that saved you, don't you see? So tell me why the hell you cry to me!
Let me hear you revel, grateful, cling to me with "savior," "adore" -- oh, sing to me.
Welcome home, it's another day, keeping things at bay, you see no change
Too late, your limits passed. Too late, yourself has cracked (goodnight)
If you persist I'll assist with releasing, keeping your peace is why I exist
And now reborn anew -- I'll take it on for you
(Oh, hello? Mom? It’s been a while. Yeah.. well, I mean, some days are hard but I’m doing alright, don’t worry. How’ve you been? I’ll go home next time I get some time off...)
The reason I'm alive, must be making sure that you survive
"He can't be trusted, he lied," you cried. Made me out as the bad guy. But why?
All I did was dream, did you forget? Go on and forgive me, I'm no threat.
Listen to me confess, honest. Eat your words and I bet, regret
Ah, I just tried to help, tried to be strong. So tell me why the hell it's all gone wrong
Let me hear you revel, grateful, cling to me with "savior," "adore" -- don't sing me this song
Lost my memory
I'm double, it was unavoidable
Living painfully
I'm trying, as hard as possible
Tell me, tell me.
If I wasn't born, maybe this trouble --
Tell me, tell me.
It's all my fault
#milgram#mikoto kayano#lyrics#i feel bad it cut in front of the other milgram songs but it was a lot easier than the others#(not that it was easy by any means but the other ones are giving me even more trouble asdfsdf)#but yeah!!! im so happy with these!!!#i will forever be jealous of the rhyming in the original refrain --#nante itte/natte nande/datte sugatte/utatte tatte IS SO WONDERFULLY SATISFYING#it makes me crazyyyyyy#i know i dont get half that fun in mine but im still really satisfying with the rhymes/phrasing#wtf is going on in the rest of the song 😭 i came for the incredible refrain and had to deal with all That......#the 'dont need a break' and 'if you persist' lines gave me so much trouble 😭 he just keeps on going.....#i took a bit of a liberty with the 'sing to me' line because every version of 'thatd be good' sounded so lame 😅#trying to do some kind of play on sing your sins while its john really wanting to communicate but idk if that worked#an unintended but exciting detail is 'you say' sounding like 'you say wake up' rather than 'you say dont need a break'#since thats right when he wakes john up so to speak#any milgram pals who want to sing -- these are always open to use >:3
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What if everyone who has access to the tmagp premiere just gave out links to those who weren't able to pledge/didn't pledge enough?
Just a thought...
#it feels kinda like torture that rq would make half their fanbase wait THREE MONTHS#to listen to slightly altered audio just cuz they didnt have the money :/#i only watched it cuz someone was nice enough to download it for me#seems only fair that the rest of the fandom not be left in the dark#for THREE MONTHS!!!!#idk its just a bit insane to me#my thoughts#not gonna tag with the other tags cuz i dont want rq on my back or anything#this is like...#half a joke#like itd be so coll to do this! espeically to a company like rq#but also#.......#yeah i got nothing#this would just be really cool and nice and actually very punk if people did this
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one minor breakdown abt election fears, and then onto chores and playing some gta. you know. as you do
#text post#I've been restraining the fear for weeks but i just lost it out of the blue this morning#im terrified and we've done what we can do ourselves and the rest we just have to wait and see#how my life and the lives of those i care abt the communities i want safe depend upon this#these tags aren't even making that much sense and i feel silly and like im begging for attention with this post#but i promise im not trying to do that i just. need to vent this out into the void#while i hope and plead and beg that we won't have to try and flee in the weeks after the election; if we could manage it at all#i finally have a life that i want to live enthusiastically and selfish as it is i don't want to lose it. I dont want to leave#but there's nothing i can do abt any of this beyond voting (done already!) and hoping and trying to proceed as normal thru life#so. im going to try and make transfemme ed in gta bc that seems like it might be fun. I usual rotate between making my character#look like my fave characters from various games and shows#haven't tried one for ed yet so maybe I'll give it a go#I don't know. i have to do something other than wallow any further this morning bc that's even more useless#than playing a video game for a few hours#sorry for the sad on main just. yeah
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not-yet-dead-person
silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww
(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)
i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!
the head circles are there for emotional support
very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.
(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)
usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.
according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it
the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!
Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.
background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!
for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway
that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it
#re:kinder#fanart#sayaka re:kinder#rei re:kinder#OH I ALREADY RAMBLED IN MY POST WHATEVER SHOULD I TALK ABOUT NOW IN MY TAGS UEEEEEEE😭😭😭#oh yeah do you want to know a fun fact about this drawing#i started it yesterday. i wasnt meant to I DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION...FROM MYSELF... i was meant to be on break#i self imposed a one week break from doing any rekinder related project after the transcript to avoid accidental burn out#NOT THAT I GOT TIRED OF IT AFTER THAT TRANSCRIPT NOT AT ALL#but jumping straight into more hours of creativr work after over 30 hours of it is asking for disaster. it is asking for burn out#yesterday was the last day . 12 hours were left but i was going to die if i didnt draw anything it would have been OVER#(aka my period started recently so i got very gloomy and depressed so i needed to run to my favorite stress relief...drawing rekinder☺️)#(on that note seriously what the fuck please explain the evolutionary advantage to getting horribly depressed every month)#(like hello?!?! rant real quick— i get enough flashbacks everyday i DONT need them to last longer and have me more msierable ?!?!?)#(periods are so dangerous to my mental health for no reason can i get a restriction order on them or some shit what the fuck)#(anyway thats enough of that break of character DONEEEE :3333)#SO YEAH I DIDNT EVEN LAST 7 WHOLE DAYS i even played a new game in between those 6 days youd think itd het my mind of rekinder. WRONNNNGGG#not even another devastating rpg horror gamr could divert my attention for long i hsd to draw rekinder😊#using the newfound power of mt transcript i was decided on drawing rei because i dont draw her enough for how high she is on my fvaorites#i was initially doodling random lines but then i stumbled upon this interactkon and it doesnt really fit into my usual expression sheets#so i thought hey lets do it asife#i thumbnailrd it and from there i was like hey lets do it in comic format isntead of separated messy doodles in tint canvas#and the rest is hisotry .... aka i spent the last two days doing this instead of doing MY HOMEWORK!!!!!#on my defense when i wasnt drawing i was horribly depressed i had no other choice#(seriously fuck off periods WHAT what do you mean i need to be distracted 24/7 to not be struck by crippling meltdowns LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?)#(they should be banned we as a society should find like a . cure to them it dont do me good to have a whole week where i cant function)#these tags have been more of a weird rant im sorry IVE BEEN FEELING PEEEVEDDD LATELY SO YOU GET. STRANGE DROTTER LORE ????
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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— COULD IT BE????
U-UNCLE NIIINA!!!
IS. THAT.../YOU/? </3
tw for mild body horror, semi-graphic medical talk
*reaches my kenny girl hand up thru the dirt by my grave
& shoots the wink, finger gun, peace sign, wave combo*
HELLOOOO, MY LOVES! />o</ <333
( i'll make a bigger post later; swearsies. )
but where’s uncle nina?...Long Story Short?
i am seriously dreading having to go to the hospital for...the THIRD FUCKING TIME, so my diaHAGnosis hasn't been officially proven,
but trust me...juuuust trust me...
*is somewhere between a laugh, sigh, scream and cry*
i am about 95% sure....
tHAT A CHILD W/ NASTY DISGUSTIN GERM COVERED HANDS GAVE ME
A FUCKING PARASITE!???
wheeeew!~ yayayay! sAuR AwESomE!
i am...having So Much Fun! <3 xx
anyways, in case i croak, just wanted to pop in from the trenches to say a real quick, but quantifiably large and overtly resounding
THANK YOU to...
my rant park girls, ofc, for enduring my britney spears mentie bs in the chat, my psychosis and v obnoxious 'needs to be carried thru life' complaining/suffering on the reg ( i cried every single day for the past...almost week? because of how scared and sad i’ve been. ;-; )
anyone who sent me an in character/headcannon/plot question the past couple of days bc, other than the girlies, it was the only source of real joy and enrichment i have felt while being scared...for my life. thank...you. Seriously. like y'all still care abt my fic? wowza!! o/u/o
( regarding memes, soz, they might not super exciting, i’m only doing lil spef HC ones rn & got a lil hyperfixated on rae, so i am doing that one abt his height / fave fruit.
<333 my lovely emo fruit salad celebpretty boy. c: )
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, i just wanted to say thank you to ANYONE WHO EXPRESSED CONCERN ABOUT MY WELL BEING OR SAID THEY MISSED ME OR WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME!!!!
'cause haha!!! you were NOT wrong, concern was not misplaced at all! I HATE THIS SCARY NIGHTMARE FUEL CHILDREN CONTAGION! :(
istg, my face has swollen up shrunken down, been every color, the pressure in my ears and nose and face is so bad that i feel like i am i an airplane rn....in my bedroom, every er dr. told me i had a sunburn and was an idiot, like actually king, i am green not red! get a real job!
siiiiiiiiigh...i just...:c i’ve never felt weaker, more miserable, more afraid, more UGLY and more lost in my entire life...
but i am grateful to have been found by readers and human beings as lovely as yourselves. i miss you. i love you. i'll try to be in touch as much as i can, but it will be touch and go, my body is a body bag rn :/
thank you for fighting the good fight, my darlings. whatever you are going through, KEEP FUCKING GOING. this is not the end. you are so much stronger than things that want to make you weak.
( i'm not very good at practicing what i preach, but ngl, kinda sick, literally, but i have basically been my own emergency makeshift whumpshot this past week and it has been gNARLY. like i have been...very scared. lmao. i am...still scared, but i'm gonna be okay. )
ANYWAYS ALL THIS TO SAY:
from what hurts or harms you,
past, present and future....
I HOPE YOU HEAL.
-sickfic body horror whumple nina <3
#nina speaks#i will write something better later put out some more profesisonal writing and do some nice asks#but like cut me some slack please you guys#i am fucking dying like i am actually not doing very well at all like v sick of me to finally have time to rest long enough#to realize that i am fucking sick and its way more advanced than a reg case plus there are other things also wrong...hnnnnGDGKS#yes i am losing my mind i literally THE THINGS THAT I HAD TO DO TO MYSELF IN THIS ROOM...horrifying#final girl nina shit brother say what u will abt barbie nina#i am not going out ugly as FUCK like this hell no bitch#but yeah i am....very bummed i want to do my asks and chill and vibe but i am fighting this off i probably have to see#a speciality dr to make sure i dont miss anything and not fix it and d word myself...slay i got chores i got...shit mt everest#and all of you <3 thank you for being here and feel free to send any asks you want the responses might just be slow#please pray that my head doesnt explode in my sleep
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Ok. Real question. How many people Actually have believed in Santa? Bc I never did, mostly bc my dad never bothered with the entire pretense, so the whole concept is just. Really fucking strange to me
Putting an actual poll bc I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit thinking about how apparently widespread it is. Like. It's just so... weird? Why is this the thing people have popularized? It makes no sense.
#speculation nation#polls#like ok my dad's an atheist raised by jewish parents so xmas has never really been a religious sort of holiday to me#we celebrate it bc it's fun to give gifts and spend time with family#but that's... it.#all the lore and mythos of xmas is just so weird to me#like baby jesus etc etc but now here comes saint nicholas with the steel chair! (breaking into your house to eat your cookies#and leave presents Only for the rich kids! why only the rich ones? uhmmm Dont worry about it!)#genuinely speaking my dad's worked at ups my whole life so growing up he'd say he (and the rest of his coworkers) were the real santas#said as a joke mostly bc theyre the ones Actually delivering the packages#but i took it to heart. told people at school that my dad was the Real santa.#no one believed me lol which i found quite frustrating.#but yeah i have never once in my entire life believed in Santa#and im content with that. it seems like such a stupid thing i will be honest.#'what about the magic of christmas' what about the poor kids who dont get gifts & feel abandoned by this all-powerful man?#in fact why do we Want kids to not think it's their parents giving gifts? they cant thank the right people if we trick them.#it's a convoluted setup that makes absolutely 0 sense to me#trust me christmas had more than enough 'magic' for me as a kid just bc of all the cool lights and all the free gifts#dont need some mythological man who can travel the globe in one night and is a professional in B&E#makes no sense for Real.#there was a time with my ex step siblings where me n my sister were told not to spoil the fun for them#so i had to pretend like santa existed as they opened presents marked from him#and even back then i was just thinking 'this is So Dumb'#this is an anti santa zone i guess. me and myself hate the popularized version of this strange strange belief system.
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anyone else up feeling utterly overwhelmed or nah
#not to overshare on the internet but.#idk there's just So Much to untangle and So Many mental habits to break and it feels impossible. how can i undo 20 years of this.#like yeah ive already made some progress just in the last few years but thats just the very tip of the proverbial iceberg!!!!#every single day i find something else buried deep that i have to try and root out!!!!!!!!!!! literally every day!!!!!!!!!!!#im just. hrghhgh#i dont want to be fighting this for the rest of my life man. im so tired.#i think. the worst thing about this is. it feels like they still have a hold on me.#which is genuinely the most bone-chilling horrifying thought i have ever had.#i DONT regret leaving but man. if i fall back in. because everything familiar is there. i dont think i could rip myself away again.#because leaving the first time was hard enough. i don't think im strong enough to do it again.#genuinely terrifying. i hate living like this#getting the fuck out of this state canNOT happen soon enough. i swear to god#winter speaks#personal#<- sorry its very late at night <///3 im getting introspective and feeling frustrated
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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what if we all logged off forever
#censored the url bc the other person was RIGHT!!!!#and they dont need flak#im glad this little idiot got torn to shreds in the replies#n then was like stop @ing me idc idc uwu#yeah you do care lol#they had one good point#which was if you glorify sensitive topics dont be surprised people dont wanna hang around you#because YEAH thats exactly how i feel too#but to just say you cant write shit ever is braindead#like the rest of their argument was beyond foolish
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maybe an unpopular opinion but one thing i really truly dislike is grown men being called boys. no they are not "boys", they are grown ass men that can and should be held accountable for their actions. not some 10 year old child
#fio.txt#this isnt even about ateez in particular#but every time an issue like this comes up its like OUR BOYS DID NOTHING WRONG#and i feel like calling them boys is taking away from the fact that these are adults and dont need your protection or coddling#bc a boy is a child and yeah children are kinda naive sometimes and usually not very educated or dont reflect on issues as much#depending on how old they are#however grown ass men are def supposed to do that and when they dont then well get their asses for it#fun fact what made me really hate this rhetoric is the rammstein situation where 60+ yo men were called boys#like fuck you you fucking assholes#okay im done ranting now lol im gonna disappear for the rest of the day and study for my exams
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lmao if faucet keeps this up our amount of drafts are going to exceed our actual number of posts on here
#there were different tags here before but apparently we gotta keep it even vaguer than that or faucet adds it to the draft pile#truthfully we understand why [ ]'s worried and why [ ] wants to hide and in some part we agree but like. girl..?? its tumblr.#[ ]'s tried to explain [ ]self in posts but [ ] always gets scared and saves that to drafts too.#just a lot of. fear of the past catching up to us. hm. i dunno. that's all [ ]'ll let us say.#it always sounds like excuses. fuck man. trying to rest but it doesn't feel like rest. we'll try again tomorrow. all we can do really.#[three of swords]#oh yeah we dont think anyone actually needs our statuses and we dont even think theyre helpful lmao so thats on indefinite pause??#anyway here ya go juliet#thank you <33 just wanted to say goodnight!! ^^ hello if you're reading this we love y'all very much!! sleep well whenever you do!! <33
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