#i think I’m just gonna try and sleep
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i love it when my day starts with:
you have one task today. one thing to do, all day to do it. just that for today along with other normal things like eating and showering.
and then my brain is like:
funny. and what if I said we are doing none of that. matter fact, we are going to do none of that and LESS.
#i am just overwhelmed#to the point where the anxiety doesn’t even fester anymore. i just want everything to stop temporarily#like three months to just do nothing but sleep#i feel like a failure and im not sure if I don’t acknowledge it bc I don’t believe it or because being in denial is easier to cope with#idk I love my life but sometimes I wish it was different#it’s about to be 4am and I just feel sad and overwhelmed and unaccomplished compared to my peers#also I feel like I don’t have a true… support system?#like I have support in terms of my mom let’s me stay w her while I get my degree but idk… emotionally I am completely by myself#and I have been since I was 11 years old#I also feel like every little thing I do that benefits just myself is selfish and my brain makes me feel like the worst person in the world#…#idk#I was about to say I miss having friends I could talk to abt these things but I never really had that either#I’ve missed the last three days of class and I’m pondering on what a fourth would do for myself#also I’m transferring schools after this summer and the whole process has been giving me a headache but I’m mostly a first gen so I am doing#all of this completely alone#I hate everything#I completely understand why people become addicted to drugs that cause you to go numb this shit fucking sucks#i think I’m just gonna try and sleep
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As I woke up this morning a sourceless voice was assuring me, “Not many people know this but carnosaurs were actually the ones responsible for the extinction event, through a combination of guerrilla tactics and overhunting.”
As I gained consciousness I was like, wait, that’s just nonsense.
#ramblies#something is trying to brainwash me about dinosaurs in my sleep and I think it’s me#in other news I’m so fucking tired today and woke up way too early and I have to rig today and I just know it’s gonna be rough#dreams#dream#dinosaur
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I think Frost and Torbek’s relationship would be…idk the right term for it. Soft? Domestic? Like, I know the fandom is generally pretty horny (At least, most of the fics on ao3 are), but I just wanna read about like soft and domestic moments between the gay furries
Like. I imagine that Frost would teach Torbek how to read and write (or, at least the basics of which). I also imagine that Frost is also weirdly in-tune with his friends emotions (kinda like irl house cats), and since Torbek is a walking whirlwind of bad emotions, I imagine Frost would give Torbek Calming Cat Cuddles whenever they have downtime (also whenever Torbek has a nightmare or something)
Idk, i think my desire to just watch them be cute and soft is partially because i just. Torbek deserves all the cuddles. They all do, but especially my sad baby boy. He deserves the world and then some. And I know Frost is capable of being soft and compassionate, even if he’s gotten significantly more murderhobo-y upon entering the Feywild.
Idk man, I just want these two to cuddle, is that so much to ask?
#also fun fact: Torbek mentioned during Guys Night that Frost actually did try to teach Torbek how to read/write at one point#course he also said that Frost taught him the wrong letters#but I’m just gonna ignore that and say that Torbek has dyslexia or something#because I am delusional about these two#but maybe not as delusional as I thought#considering that evidently there was a hint of a spark there as early as episode 7?#I think?#idk man it’s 2:30 in the morning and my body is trying to shut down#but I just really needed to shout this into the void before I could sleep#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#ouaw#morning frost#torbek#frostbite#frostbek
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Is there a mechanisms discord server???? Im seeing stuff about a semi-official server, my current assumption is that there WAS and no longer is (they’ve been dead for five years so it makes sense) but im stalking the lore archive and seeing the silly memes and such and now im sad
#is this fomo? what the fuck is the sadness of having missed something that has now ended?#worst case of that ever#hi yes I just got into the mechanisms a few weeks ago#and am now currently trying to figure out what the fuck#as I was typing the last tag I found a mechanisms iceberg#currently im wrecking my sleep schedule with the lore archive and purchasing red string#lowkey I just want to write fanfiction about them#but rn I think all of my ideas are horribly out of character#like- there’s so much angst potentiometers with Brian’s morality switch#guys. guys. guys. murder switch.#so basically#my plan. Is to eat the lore archive#read fics and see how others write these characters#possibly go ahead and start writing something and edit as I go along#and listen to Ben Below and Jessica Law’s music#the mechanisms#got so off topic with the tags#I’m gonna be so unwell about the mechanisms for a while and then get body slammed by something else just watch#probably something equal very over with a fandom on life support too#I JIST FOUND A SHIP NAME SPREAD SHEET HOLY SHIT#FUN SHIP NAMES LET FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOO#the mechs#the mechs band
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#Sky makes noise#I think I’m gonna just. kinda give up.#give up making or having friends or relationships with people#give up trying to be a pilot#give up writing and editing and all that#give up trying to do anything with my life because it literally has led me nowhere#I’m just so so tired and I want things to work out for me in a meaningful way just once#I miss my mom so much. I miss having joy. I miss having things I liked doing that didn’t involve sleeping or avoiding thinking#I just… I miss how my life used to be
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What I imagine Suiren and Vaatu’s ‘friendship’ in @rokurookajima’s Metalbanders verse to be like, as told by memes I found in the depths of my pinterest memes board
(Feat. Some commentary because I am Having Thoughts)
I apologise for how grainy it is but you just know that these two are the definition of WLW-MLM hostility
She gets him body wash for his birthday one year. greasy stinky bastard man (/affectionate) (/you cannot convince me that I am wrong about the state of Vaatu’s personal hygiene. Have you ever met a teenage boy) (/I have not showered in a week I have full right to say this)
Headcanon that Suiren knew she was a lesbian since she was a wee lass so her gaydar is crazy good and she literally went “I know what you are” as soon as she first met Vaatu. Except he very much was not aware yet and she knew he’d never figure it out on his own. But if she tells him he’s gay outright he’d reject it. So she’s left being the Ryuk to his Light Yagami, hovering over his shoulder whispering “gay gay homosexual gay” and telling him to google yaoi
She means it with love... I’m pretty sure
“Dude you’re talking like my uncle cut it out”
She’s his only friend TOLERABLE ALLY fr
Okay so we’ve established that Vaatu is a freak but the only reason he and Suiren get along is because she’s very much a freak too she’s just got a pretty face to hide it behind. She literally cannot talk like a normal person it somehow always boils down to smth like this
Suiren likes Ghibli movies. Vaatu thinks himself too much of an edgelord to watch Ghibli movies. Unfortunately for him, Suiren doesn’t care about what he thinks. He’s going to watch Ponyo with her and he’s going to LIKE IT
(She catches him humming “Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo fishy in the sea” afterwards and never lets him live it down)
After a certain point he just starts talking like this all the damn time. She’s accepted her fate
BONUS ROUND: Suiren being a useless lesbian and Vaatu judging her severely
#if you’re wondering what brought this on out of nowhere#it’s half past 3 a.m and I am Going Through The Horrors#and unless I bruteforce blorbo thoughts into my brain I’m afraid I’ll lose it entirely#but I also need validation that I’m good and funny and not annoying and not shoving my OCs where they don’t belong#therefore. Metalbanders AU#(hi Syd please don’t mind me I’m just low-key at my limit here)#(I hope this is like. funny or accurate at least)#metalbanders#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#and they said Endgame was the most ambitious crossover in history#anyway#regarding 5. her uncle is Zaheer and he also talks like this. just more poetically#3 is start based on a childhood friend of mine who. at age 10. asked me if I. aged 9. knew what yaoi was#and proceeded to send me SCREENSHOTS OF A SMUTTY MANGA. DICK OUT AND ALL#I think that was a formulating experience actually#okay I’m gonna go eat something and try to go to bed. I’ve got to get up for school in 4 hours man#can the Horrors wait until I’m on holiday and can afford to mess up my sleep schedule or…#sotrl suiren#vaatu#forgot to tag them lmao
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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no those aren’t weird sex noises coming from ur neighbour’s apartment; it’s ur local insomniac slap & folding bread dough in the wee hours of the morning
#also I was doing that for wayy too long bc I think I autolysed a bit too long so the gluten structure just isn’t gonna be the best no matter#how angry I am at the dough but also idk why I’m bothering bc I’m also 80% sure the sourdough starter is not ready for bread yet#so like I’m going to have the densest loaf tmrw morning/this evening#this is a trial run abt if I remember how to make bread and if I'll actually have something edible it's a bonus#also it truly is meditative so I lost track of time bc ugh the texture of dough is just very nice#good thing abt naming it (the starter) Elvis that I now have my ’’bread making music’’ set and it’s honestly vibes#also yeah in a phase where I sleep abt every other night (unless I like rly rly try but even then it’s like max 4h and I dont get it and I#hate the process of desperately trying to get sleep more than like wasting time making inedible bread)#a human disaster but at least I will have bread#a very dense bread probably but bread nonetheless#march 2024#2024
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I hope Jorge keeps the streams up until the next live stream like he did with the last Saga.
I had trouble getting into Epic: The Musical without the visual aid of the animatics as visuals help me absorb the material. I kinda wish he would upload each song with the lyrics and animatics in them instead of just the animatics by themselves without the full song, but maybe that’s just me. I’m an audio and visual gal otherwise I have trouble absorbing information. Besides the streams there’s no current way to watch the musical seamlessly with actual visuals and yet it is called a musical. A medium I’ve kinda expected to have visuals by this point, that was my one big criticism going into this series was “so it’s just songs? And I have to watch the script as I listen to know what’s happening? That’s hard to keep up with.”
Though if this is a consistent change going forward of having the full musical with visuals until the next iteration premiers, then great & honestly my only criticisms are a lack of trans voice actors (seemingly but I could be wrong) and a lack of fat characters in the animatics because Aphrodite was fat in her depictions throughout history in the very least. Which I’m not even sure if this counts as a criticism so much as an observation and something that gives me a bit of pause? Again, not series ruining, but just more an observation I guess?
That being said, I’m super excited for the Vengeance Saga tonight! Probably gonna stay up just to watch it! Sleep be damned I wanna see it as it comes out! 💜
Edit: Okay actually not risking tummy issues by napping and can’t stay awake any longer. If I have tummy issues I couldn’t even watch it as it premieres anyway because I’d be fighting for my life in the bathroom. ANYWAY DON’T GO ATTACKING ANYONE INVOLVED WITH THE PROJECT, I WAS JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.
#i haven’t looked into any of the voice actors so my bad if I’m wrong about a lack of trans VAs#I’ll edit the post to reflect that if I am#the lack of fat representation is hopefully just the artists not knowing how to draw fat bodies; hope they learn how#you can enjoy a series and still be critical of it like how we don’t endorse Odysseus’ war crimes but he also shouldn’t yknow stay on#calypso’s island left to die all isolated because that’s messed up so we cheer for him to have a way out#‘oh you’re just trying to find things wrong with-‘ I critically engage with bigger fandoms than this stfu please don’t be annoying#go watch the vengeance saga as it premieres if you can lmao hopefully ai moderation doesn’t nuke the stream this time#we’ll see if I can actually stay awake that long; I’m gonna be SCREWED up on sleep though idk we’ll see#yes I know music and theater are two different things but I’ve come to associate musicals with visuals through the cultural concept of them#so I just think personally the visual performance even if it’s a drawing should be more available like it has with this latest live stream#I’m not as good with details in audio only stuff; magnus pod has been one thing where I’ve been okay with it#but you actually miss important stuff if you don’t have the lyrics and script in front of you with this one#or I miss details anyway; idk different series easier to absorb than others and different formats#anyway I’m more tired than I’d like so guess my thoughts end there#mine#op#epic vengeance saga#epic the musical#epic: the musical#epic: vengeance saga
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Simon doodles I drew at like 1 AM or so recently. In an absolutely genius move, my dumbass started getting sleepy and decided to draw him being sleepy too about it instead of just going to bed 💀💀💀💀💀. Literally thought about The Guy before I realized I could (and should) go sleep
#castlevania#castlevania games#simon belmont#akumajo dracula#akumajou dracula#art post#my art#at this point I just determine which things I haven’t posted yet by what images don’t have a cropped version lol#he’s so eepy#yeah he’s got a plushie and nightgown of course—#haha the plushie totally isn’t a rabbit cause I collect rabbit plushies hahahaha no not at all erm uh—#and uh random microwaving the plushie so it’s warm image#he’s allowed to have a microwave in the 1600s as a treat :3#eh but honestly I just draw these characters in a random void and make them do whatever so it’s the character interaction void’s microwave#I usually draw him on his side or face when laying down cause I imagine laying on his back is probably uncomfortable#never healing scars are probably not very great to touch very much#this is totally me when i’m suffering from the curse#imagine having posture and back problems already and then Dracula goes ‘hehe I’m gonna make that worse :)’ 💀💀💀#uh dumping headcanons in the tags I guess lol#he’s probably an insomniac tbh like who else would be taking a week or more of no sleep like a champ like that#dude up walking around and talking to people for days and only gets like teeny tiny breaks at the church every so often???#yeah this guy already had sleep set on veteran difficulty#that being said I think when he does sleep he does like a rock don’t even bother trying getting him up#and why would you tbh he would be so sad :( it took him so long to do that :( let him sleep until 2 pm—#yeah anyway yippie doodles! of The Guy™️!!!#I can’t think of anything else
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tonight i’m resting and keeping to myself bc i just need a minute, but tomorrow i think i’ll tinker with my rules and tidy up this blog overall. i’ve been thinking about a few things that have likely contributed to me feeling overwhelmed here, and i need to sit down and drop old drafts/asks, clean up my followers list, and set a lil boundary. hopefully after i do, i can get back to writing and bugging y’all at a normal pace 💜
#or a normal pace for me asdfg#i just kinda? felt sick at the idea of coming online tonight#and that feeling passed but it made me go “oh i need to really do something about this huh”#and it’s not anything serious i think it’s more so understanding the way i am and what makes me anxious or overwhelmed and accepting that#rather than forcing myself to try and work past those feelings bc i want to make things easier for others#or bc i feel bad for letting go of things i don’t have muse for anymore#anyway anyway! i’m gonna finish my silly lil scary movie and hopefully have an early night#tbh the lack of sleep probably didn’t help my feelings today either :’ )#please take care of yourselves and remember to take breaks 💜💜💜 mwah mwah!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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sleep token songs fill me with such an intense desire to paint - I feel like if I don’t make something, I might go insane. The only problem, is that basically all the songs are just so…i don’t even know… it’s like they’re memories - where I’m only ever getting these vague flashes of images, feelings, sensations, and any time I commit to one idea I lose the feeling of the song. I can never take anything solid out of them because they’re not solid - it’s like trying to paint the feeling of water running through you fingers, but when you do, you loose the spirit of it and are left with this flat imitation… whatever vessel is putting in these songs is as close to magic as I’ve ever seen.
#like wat the actual hell#ii as well cos these drums are goddamn bonkers#look I don’t necessarily believe in souls but sometimes I think the reason I can’t really capture the feeling of ST songs#is because vessel puts a little bit of his soul into them#…I’m still gonna try tho#I might just have to do a ridiculous amount of paintings#…and listen to too many hours of ST#sleep token
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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am I starting to understand what the 5 makima fans in this universe see in her or do I need to go to bed
#jokes aside! I haven’t slept at all. and it’s 5am#☹️#yeah I think. I need a nap#oh also guys I watched the second to most recent (?? is that a phrase) mha episode yesterday! I cried#bakugo my. my son#☹️☹️ horikoshi………. when I get my paws on you………..#back to makima tho. herghrghi I’ve been watching edits of her#she seems. mm#she’s like gojo but. freakier#i actually don’t know if that’s true or not but she definitely seems that way!!!!!!#that reminds me of a post I saw saying makima would try to manipulate gojo and he would win with the power of homosexuality#☠️☠️☠️ well I mean#I’m gonna try and start watching more anime’s than just my hero and saiki k but. it always feels sooo intimidating getting into a new show#like I have to consume some media of it first. I can’t be informed of the lore through watching or reading the piece of media myself#I must watch edits and read fanfics first. and then I can watch it :3 is that weird of me. idk it might be#IT JUST MAKES IT SEEM LESS SCARY WHEN I KNOW WHATS GOING ON A LITTLE BIT#now I’m just mindlessly rambling I think. I need sleep#jjk#olls thoughts 💭
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" “Let’s just go through here,” Roy nodded to the building at their right. A decrepit old museum, by the looks of it. “Looks safe enough, and we would have an easier time going across the roofs than the ground.”
Caz shook his head. “Just ‘cause it looks safe, doesn’t mean it is. You know that.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Billy open his mouth. Caz jutted a finger his way, effectively shutting him up. “No. Don’t even start.”
Whatever comment Roy would’ve made at his harsh treatment went unsaid. “It looks better than everything else around here,” he spun in a circle with his arms spread wide to prove his point. “And besides, what if CADAL comes through here? We’d better be off the streets if they do.”
Caz hated how he had a point. Billy went to say something again, and he sent him a poisonous glare, making him slouch a bit lower. "
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I’m cooking, I’m cooking. Making a oneshot for Still Wakes The Cordyceps. First things first, the museum! This is gonna be fun for all involved I’m sure!
It’ll be on AO3 when I’m done.
#having a fun time writing about the SWTC infecteds#and also trying to figure out how the infection started#I’ll make a different post for that sometime I got ideas#but this oneshots going pretty well. haven’t written one in a hot minute#I don’t think I’ll finish it now. it’s 2 in the morning so unless I just can’t sleep it’s gonna take a bit longer#other than that I have Just Be Tougher chapter 7 pretty much done. just gotta wait a couple days to post it#as a lil treat for myself. and also because I want to try and pace myself more#I hate it but I’m gonna commit#still wakes the deep#still wakes the cordyceps au#fanfiction
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