#i still have such a hard time setting boundaries and asserting my own needs and im not blaming anyone for it but i blame the situation

[neodiji]

Life Update

SO. Hi.

I am alive. I am in a better spot than the last time I posted, around two years ago. It was really dark for awhile there but I think I needed to take time and work on myself. I have a fabulous therapist now that has actually been helping me grow and tackle life, and I feel in some ways like a different person after navigating these past couple years. I am still prone to the major depressive spells, panic attacks, and crippling anxiety, but I am learning that even though mental health problems will probably always be a part of my life, they don't define me. I can do hard things, and I can accomplish goals even with those challenges. Sometimes, especially in those really bottom-of-the-pit days like a couple years ago, I just didn't see a path forward so I didn't know what steps to even try to take. Now I'm taking steps. They might not be the right steps, but trying is doing.

I truly appreciate all the support and outreach of love. I am also sorry for worrying people, considering the way I left things. I didn't handle my feelings and needs in a mature way. I definitely needed that break, but I should have just communicated that I needed a break. At the time, I really didn't think I could make it, but that's no one else's problem. It was and is for me to own.

I have not been active in fandom for the past couple years, but lately I have been indulging in some SuzaLulu daydreams. I'm also rediscovering my love of writing.

Highlights:

-I survived an entire year teaching at a horrific private school. When they hired me, they verbally told me that they were starting a new program and needed a teacher. They would provide the resources and guidance. It turned out that they gave me a classroom with a few blocks, and two days before the kids come, they told me that it was up to me to fund the entire new program out-of-pocket. I should have quit then and there, but I didn't know how to assert myself or set boundaries. I was also paid pennies. So because I had given them my word and signed the contract for the job, I funded everything out of pocket. I let them take advantage of me. I literally paid to work instead of the other way around. Every day was a nightmare, trying to spend all day with my class of kids and then come home and figure out what to even DO with them the following day, buy or create the resources to actually implement those learning activities (thank goodness for Teachers Pay Teachers), rinse and repeat. Admin always promised to reimburse me, and kept canceling my requested meetings to address these issues. Spoiler alert: they never did pay me back for all the things I bought to get that classroom and program up and running. So, you know...I can look back on this experience and say I was screwed, but alternatively:

I got to practice getting stronger in asserting myself and communicating. I learned how to get things in writing for future jobs so this never happened again. I gained experience working in a different kind of school setting. I met a lot of nice people, such as the other teachers and the families of the kids in my class. I also learned that I could not only survive, but do really good things in bad circumstances. I helped my kids learn and grow, and all but one of them were reading above grade level by the time they left me. So I took a classroom with nothing and I fucking rocked it.

Better yet, BECAUSE I had that major accomplishment under my belt, I was able to find a much, much, MUCH better teaching job in the public schools this past year (in a good school district). I have never before worked at a school I loved. I have never before worked for admin who actually care about teachers and students. I have never before met other teachers who genuinely love kids and want to do right by them. I found my place. I found my people. It makes all the difference.

This past year was hard because I was yet again learning a new grade level. Starting over in a new grade can feel like switching to an entirely new field. The standards of learning are different, the resources are different, the kids' social-emotional needs and maturity are different... So there's always a steep learning curve. But this past year? It was hard and draining and time-consuming but I loved. every. second. I couldn't wait to get back to my class and pick up where we'd left off the day before.

I also learned that I need to be helping kids learn and grow to feel fulfilled inside. When that's missing, when I don't have that built into my life, I feel like something vital is missing. I especially thrive with teaching reading. Again, all but one of my students was reading on or above grade level by the end of the year. More important, they LOVED reading. The one who was reading below grade level made significant personal progress, and he was very close to meeting benchmark. I'm on the right track now to one day be a reading specialist, which was my original dream job. My life is opening up again. It only took several years!

I also learned it is very very likely that I have high-functioning Autism, which would explain why communication, relationships, and social cues are such a personal struggle. (Along with hyperfixations, sensory processing disorders, etc.) Paying for yet additional testing for an official diagnosis is not in my current budget, but it does make sense when I reflect on the trends of my life. So I am learning more about myself and how I fit into the world, instead of just knowing deep inside that I feel different and thus feeling despair to the point of giving up because life feels like an insurmountable struggle sometimes.

So yeah. Maybe I need help with things because my way of interacting with the world is atypical, but even so...I still have a lot of things to be proud of about myself. I may struggle with peer communication, but I am an awesome teacher. I might need basic socialization explained to me, but I tend to be kind, helpful, and encouraging when I do have two-way interaction with people. There are worse things to be.

I also have grown a lot as a writer over the years. I have not had time to indulge in hobbies the past couple of years, due to every "free" moment being spent trying to prepare for the next school day, but when I think about what would make me happy? For me? It keeps coming back to writing. But now it has to change. To keep it fun, I can't put the pressure of perfectionism on myself. I'm not getting paid to write fanfic. It doesn't need to be perfect. I think readers are going to be okay if I end up making mistakes. If readers do take issue, then you know what? That's their problem. They can stay out of my work. That's their choice. But honestly, the majority of people I've interacted with online have tended to be lovely and encouraging anyway, so... I probably don't need to worry about the what-if anxieties that continuously pop up in that regard.

TLDR;

-I am an amazing teacher and it helped me find myself.

-I probably have Autism, which would explain a lot.

-I can cope and I can do hard things, even with challenges.

-I miss writing.

Goals:

-Learn and practice setting appropriate boundaries.

-Increase financial literacy. Teachers get paid shit. I need to stretch my money more effectively. (And stop spending my own money on flexible seating...)

-Spend more time on self-care, including writing, friendships, and playing with my cat Nimbus.

-Sleep.

-Read those 4 professional development books.

-Reply to fandom people who have commented or otherwise communicated over the past couple years when I've been MIA.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hey, what would you say the significance of wings is? Do you struggle to tell if you’re a 6 or a 7 sometimes? Personally I’ve been torn between 8 and 9 since as long as I can remember discovering enneagram. I’ve got many friends who studied enneagram for years and also struggle(d) to tell between their core and their wing… they are certain it’s one or the other but flip flop between saying which is core and which is wing. This indecision happens most often when one of the types ppl are torn between is Attachment… but I have seen it happen to 7-8 liners and 1-2 liners too. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Wings flavor your core, but ultimately are "ruled" by your core. You are doing it "in service of" your core desires. For example, I do relate to some of the 7 stuff because of being a 6w7 (re-framing, skipping past my feelings, hating negativity, not wanting to dwell on upsetting things, always needing things to look forward to, feeling like there's so much I want to do and not enough time)...

But.

I am a super-ego type through and through, and ruled by "should." My 7 gets ruled over by my 6, who sets the agenda and is much stronger. How 7 shows up primarily on a daily basis for me is to mix a little of itself into my decisions/agenda and also cause confusion.

Like Goblins of Discord said in their 7w6 description, the 7w6 knows there's stuff they "should" be doing -- but that's boring, so I won't do it. The 6w7 knows they should do it, and they usually do it, because the guilt trip becomes too great. 7s are not afraid to self-reward, 6s feel they need to earn rewards (justify it to themselves and others).

When in doubt, strip away the externals and look at the core. 9w8s are withdrawn types who are only assertive to defend their right to be unbothered by everyone else (failing to establish boundaries, then being angry about their lack of boundaries and asserting them too late). 8w9s are assertive types who are only withdrawn in their desire to get what they want (going for it hard, and not wanting others to try to stop them, so they assert boundaries early and in many instances, too soon and too severely, then backtrack later).

The only way to prove your type to yourself is to read deeply enough about the type (in actual books that go in-depth, not YouTube "gurus" or internet forums or brief online descriptions) to identify its mechanisms and introspect long enough to see yourself using your lines not only under stress and growth, but ALL THE TIME. If you are an 8, you will have 5 in your back pocket and a pull towards 2 (paranoia moving toward tenderness and filling needs). If you are a 9, you will see 6 and 3 in yourself (6 second-guessing during stress and 3 determination once you decide what you want). If you are a 7, you will see 1 and 5. And so on.

I don't doubt I'm a 6, because I am super-ego through and through (ruled by should and attentive to other people's needs), assertiveness and gluttony plays second fiddle to my inner guilt-trips and need to be responsible, and I routinely fall into 3/9 behaviors. So I'm sure. :)

If you are still torn between to types three years into your typing journey, you are either mistyped and working on the wrong things or looking for the wrong type patterns or not introspecting enough to see your type playing out in your thought patterns. Once you land on your type, you will feel a deep sense of shame as you unearth the unconscious patterns that have ruled your life. There is an enormous ego resistance toward accepting the most shameful aspects of your core number; often, people either truly do not identify with those things and assume they are at a high health level (nope) or their pride will not allow them to admit to it and they adamantly deny it as being a problem for them, while doing that exact thing all the time (a fact that is highly visible to others).

Sometimes you will find your type and own this shameful behavior but not that one, but if you commit to introspection and working on yourself, you wear down your ego enough to accept later on that yes, this other shameful thing... I also do this. But by the time that happens and you are willing to face it, it no longer feels as devastating to admit to it.

When torn, ask yourself -- which one am I avoiding and which one am I idolizing more? Which one would bare me in a way that feels deeply uncomfortable? By continuing to feel torn between types and see them as equal, are you refusing to admit to a core weakness?

[northwoodsenid]

I just need to word vomit

So, it has been a while since I have used tumblr as a journal but I am just processing some stuff right now.

For a tiny bit of back story, my eldests dad vanished from his life but I have stayed close to his family. His mom kind of took the mother role figure for me since I haven’t had any relationship with my mom in 15 years.

But ever since I moved back to Utah our relationship has been.. weird. I realized I have changed a lot since I live d in Utah and part of that change is being more assertive and setting boundaries. It got to the point where I could tell she was scared to ask me stuff and instead would go to my husband to ask him (stuff I already had no too for example) this was causing some triangulation so I told her to stop this and she went on the attack and told me I have been so emotional lately I am hard to handle.

This was shocking to me because besides like.. capitalism and money issues.. emotionally I have been the best I have ever been. What she was referring to was me struggling with essentially being homeless for a year (staying with a family friend) and not being able to afford the cost of living in Utah but being terrifed to start over in a new state with the risk of the same thing happening again.

Maybe I had vented to her too much about this, maybe I should have got a therapist in this area sooner for that outlet but yet I felt I was justified in being stressed and really didn’t unload on her much at all and mainly utilized dbt skills to regulate myself and if needed reached out for support.

Anyways, things were iffy and we tried to mend things. She refused to apologize or take accountably and I did not think my boundaries were out of line. Fast forward to Halloween time we are at a pumpkin patch with the kids and she drops on us the family friend is moving and what are our plans to move out.

I listed off everything I had been looking into (I have experience in this due to work) but we made a bit too much to qualify. It was like she didn’t beleive me and kept directing all the questions to my husband. I finally was like, “you can’t just drop out of my life because I am too emotional about my situation and then when you come back don’t believe me when I telling you what I am doing.” She told me she had never said any of that and I stormed off.

I felt hurt and just.. frustrated she refused to take accountability and instead tried to tell me she never said what she said. I have my faults and I own up when I fuck up and need to mend things and apologize but situations with her kept arising where it felt as if she was so used to me being the emotionally fucked up one that she just was twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to apologize. In our relationship she has always made me feel like the bad guy and I am at the point in my healing journey where I don’t feel the need to apologize for something that isn’t my fault.

After this, she called my husbands parents and told them we were emotionally fucked up and offered to drive to our place with them to see if we need to get serious help. Which, once again this is so over the line. And such a breach of trust and everything?? And when I said hey that was over the line what in the hell she said she hears us that we don’t want her support. No accountability. No apology and she probably never will.

I am just hurt, and also it is making me spiral a bit because what in the hell is wrong with me that every parental figure in my life treats me like this. I keep doing the work and digging into all my faults but I still don’t see reason for how people view me. I don’t know if the signs had been there and I was so desperate for a mother figure I ignored them, or I don’t know if she is dealing with her own shit and has always been able to control and steam roll me.

I have been processing this a lot in therapy, and I know it is just going to stay like it is because she won’t acknowledge she overstepped.

Anyways, I just needed to let some of this out. The grief comes and goes in waves. And then I hear more details of some of the stuff she was saying about me to my husbands parents and I just think… she hates me. And I wonder how long she has hated me but was too scared to talk to me.

[ariaste]

All of this, AND: Having lived the majority of my life experiencing the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria “if i am rejected, I will dig a hole in the ground and never come out ever again” thing..... Look, if this is you, please take some real time to consider whether you feel secure about setting your own boundaries. Like GENUINELY secure. Because I didn’t. I was deep in RSD and trauma, and I’d been raised to put other people’s needs and feelings before my own, and since being rejected hurt SO MUCH, I didn’t want to make anyone else feel that way either. So I didn’t set any boundaries at all.

I worked very hard to erase my boundaries for people, or move them, or ignore them, because I didn’t want to set a boundary and ruin the friendship/relationship. Which meant that I allowed a LOT of people to hurt me, often without even knowing that they were hurting me until I reached my limit and couldn’t repress any more and eventually just snapped at them. ....whiiiiiich ruined the friendships. So this experience taught me over and over again that communicating my boundaries = losing someone I cared about. Boundaries became this huge HUGE thing, like the entire Great Wall of China, and it took up so so so much of my emotional energy to figure out how and when to navigate a minor nudge of one of my boundaries (like, idk, a friend wanting me to listen to her vent about her love life when I have errands to run) because I felt like whatever I did to advocate for myself and take care of my own needs was gambling with the connection I had with this person I liked. 

I also felt like setting boundaries was the same thing as attempting to control another person’s actions, so I struggled with it on an ethical level: “How is this different from manipulation? How am I supposed to be as kind and fair as I want to be, when I’m forcing someone to act in a certain way?”

All in all, I was living in a constant state of borderline emotional burnout JUST from the struggle I with this one specific thing.

And then literally like five months ago, I had this epiphany that a really good expression of a Healthy Boundary isn’t a *prescriptive* statement (such as ordering someone to do something, bossing them around, steamrolling them) -- but a DESCRIPTIVE one: It is a description of who you are and what your needs are. The actions the other person takes in response are entirely their own business and have very little to do with me. Since then, it has gotten a LOT easier to express my boundaries (though this is a very new growth arc for me and I’m still practicing!) and all of these good things started happening in my life -- new work opportunities, new friends who are learning to be good at boundaries themselves and DELIGHTED to be practicing with me, new changes to my physical environment to optimize my home for what my needs are -- and I have a truly shocking amount of extra energy. I won’t say that I’ve magically become “a much happier person��, but I am a person with energy I didn’t have before which I can now put towards pursuing the things that generate happiness, and I feel a lot more confident and assertive than I did even six months ago. Literally that’s how fast the change has happened.

You don’t have to live in the hole in the ground. You don’t have to live in constant pain and fear and burnout. You don’t have to put other people’s needs before your own. You don’t have to feel the weight of all that shame and guilt crushing you alive. The weirdest and most surreal thing that I have discovered this year is that when I started setting boundaries the right way, the rejection DECREASED and the amount of acceptance and love I had in my life INCREASED DRAMATICALLY. 

But no one really teaches you HOW to set a boundary properly, do they? They  just say “Set healthy boundaries!” like you’re supposed to just understand the concept -- tbh, if you’re as deep in RSD shame as I was, you might genuinely not know the procedure for how to do it.

For that, I recommend an amazing book called (shockingly) The Book Of Boundaries by Melissa Urban, which not only has amazing discussion of boundaries but also provides ACTUAL SCRIPTS for loads and loads and LOADS of different real-life scenarios:

you have NO IDEA how wide my eyes got when I realized that the Green boundary counted as Setting A Boundary. Or when I realized that I’ve had a habit of ignoring/repressing my boundaries during the stage when the Green response would be useful, and then after a while of putting up with it skipping directly to the Yellow response with quite a lot of built-up resentment. MY WHOLE BRAIN EXPLODED, THIS WAS A REVELATION. 

Anyway highly recommend this book, great book, so useful. Learning this shit can be really hard, but at least for me it was not anywhere close to as hard as I expected it to be. I just needed to figure out the trick -- and it is a deeply cool trick once you’ve got the hang of it. <3

Btw when someone says "don't talk to me like that, I don't know you" the normal thing to do is apologize for the perceived overfamiliarity and correct the behavior. Just in case anyone was wondering

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

weekend shadow work - financial abuse recovery

I willingly sacrificed my professional identity to stay home and raise my children for about a decade, but did end up with partners who used this advantage to my detriment in a lot of ways. I haven't dealt with it, and as I've been trying to think about things on the job front... I can see where my mind gets restless and fearful when I think about money in general. It's a pattern that started in childhood. I watched how the women around me where often chastised by the men for spending their 'hard earned money' while not being able to do simple tasks around the house nor even be able to successfully do the grocery shop. Childcare was pretty minimal too. The rural midwest is a time capsule in the aspect of gendered domestic responsibilities, and I can see why I fell into the cycle of devaluing my own efforts to the household and seeing myself as somehow unequal because I didn't go into an office and work. My daughter will not fall into the same pattern. So, it's up to me to figure out where I'm having problems in terms of abundance and wealth. I do see myself as worthy of it, but... I need to figure out just where I'm scared of it. I'll ponder the following as I'm surrounded by nature and peace. Musing about uncomfortable things in places of beauty helps the mind flow more freely, even if the thoughts get sticky. The mind rests in green.

1. Identify the Patterns

Reflect on Your Past: Think about the history of financial abuse in your life. What patterns do you see? Were there specific triggers or repeated behaviors?

Journal Prompts: Write about your experiences with money and control. What memories stand out? How did these experiences make you feel?

2. Explore Your Beliefs

Core Beliefs: Examine the beliefs you hold about money, worth, and security. Do you see any negative patterns or limiting beliefs that might stem from the abuse?

Belief Challenging: Identify and challenge any unhelpful beliefs. For example, if you believe “I’m not worthy of financial stability,” explore where this belief comes from and how it affects you.

3. Understand Your Triggers

Identify Triggers: Note what situations or behaviors trigger feelings of anxiety or helplessness related to money. This can help you understand your emotional responses better.

Emotional Responses: Reflect on how these triggers affect your decision-making and behavior.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Financial Boundaries: Define what healthy financial boundaries look like for you. How can you protect your financial well-being while still maintaining healthy relationships?

Communicate Needs: Practice communicating your financial boundaries and needs clearly and assertively.

5. Develop Self-Compassion

Forgive Yourself: Recognize that healing is a process and that it's okay to make mistakes along the way. Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for past decisions.

Self-Care Practices: Incorporate self-care routines that nurture your emotional and financial well-being.

[electricbluebutterflies]

Jess x Leto ~ A quickie because No Time

Vaguely late-era, NSFW, also on ao3.

She’ll regret this later.

Jessica has tried to set perfect boundaries over the years and felt safe enough in doing so, and this is her idea but still-

“If you leave marks anywhere anyone might see…”

“Your dresses give too many options.”

Most of her current cocoon dress is still on her, just lifted enough for accessibility, for this rare impulsive moment of need. There are plenty of unused-but-convenient rooms in the compound, and this entire wing is so cold, and the body-heat of her partner is not enough to make up for how exposed her legs are and-

“Stay with me,” he murmurs. “I know you-“

“Paranoia will win over-“

“You wouldn’t suggest this if you didn’t think-“

“I wasn’t sure what else to do!”

Normally, her fingertips on the right points on his skin would be enough. Normally she would just need a few heartbeats and decidedly less maneuvering of clothing. But… she’s not sure why her own desire spiked as it has, and she knows her partner enjoys when she’s more assertive about her needs, and being bent over a table in a room that probably hasn’t been used for anything since the last time she had this idea is not the worst way to spend a few minutes, and-

“You don’t do indecisive convincingly.”

“Fine. I wanted you. Is that what you want to hear?”

The fact that they can still fight like this with bodies joined, without even the eye contact and other signals she usually uses just as much as her voice… there is something both frightful and familiar about it, focus she maintains even as he moves against her, even as she has half a mind to-

This is about her, and at the same time it isn’t. This is about the fact that her own desires are so rarely overwhelming enough to act on, and also… they’ve gotten too domesticated, she thinks sometimes, and it’s satisfying to live up to cliches every once in a while, to be the vixen she’s been accused of being for so long and-

“Turn yourself up. You should-“

Release isn’t the point of their intimacies for her, she wants to say – they would have a far different dynamic if she’d learned to prioritize that way – but the suggestion is a kindness and she focuses on her physical response, not floating so much as existing fully in her body, allowing sensation to overcome her, allowing-

“Fall apart for me,” she murmurs, and she keeps her boundaries about how she uses her voice but in certain moments it’s so hard to tell, and-

He does, and she hates that in current position she can’t watch, can only feel his body go still against hers and the collapse of comforting weight on her back, routines become perfect and-

“I will never understand you.”

“I ask you to take less than ten minutes to slip away and fuck me and you still don’t-“

“I assume this means you will be… cold, later?”

Jessica turns her head so he’s at least in her peripheral vision and tries to give him a look. “Perhaps. Or perhaps I’ll still be in this mood and take control. I haven’t decided yet.”

“And you expect me to complete the rest of my day with that image lingering-“

“Consider that part of the favor,” she laughs. “You won’t be able to hate the endless paperwork quite so much if you’re distracted.”

They shift out of position and rearrange clothing, and they really don’t do this enough, and-

“What would I ever do without you?”

She leans in and takes a kiss instead of an answer, and… maybe, she thinks, maybe they could do this more often.

[bunnypopgal]

Morality Bites

Since my last post ive been having to deal with of course more flashbacks with panic attacks that last longer than i think should be possible in humans. Most of the flashbacks are from back when i was in high school. i had to deal with a lot of homophobia and just a lot of overall bullying from my dear classmates.

Like when i would ask one of my nice classmates to tell me more about his old tech collection my other classmates ran around telling each other that i was bullying him and calling him names. Every time he would stand up to them when they tried to "comfort" him (they just wanted to talk shit about me to anyone). That was super out of his comfort zone and im still very grateful for both him telling me what was going on and him standing up for honestly the both of us. This kinda thing would happen a lot and i mean a lot. So much so that even the super quiet kids in school began to openly insult me about things i would never do. Then i would go home and get treated the same by my biological mother. I hate being "back" in that place in my life. No matter how much i would stand up for myself everything would be twisted against me over and over again so much that people would often just assume most if not all those things about me had to be the real truth. To be fair i think it didnt help i never explained my morals set fully. i never thought to at the time and now im not sure if it wouldve even changed anything at all. Everything i believe in my moral set is pretty understandable but im not sure how it looks to others looking back. my moral set is mine tho. i never would force ANYONE to adhere to it just because they dont live the same way but i would tell them i disapprove, why and that if we dont see eye to eye on this THATS FINE(depending) BUUUT that also meanings i would rather not be close/friends anymore and just be more polite acquaintances(now that im adult i can tell people to fuck off nowadays! yahoo!!)

heres the large bulk of my moral set:

i am against discrimination based on sexuality, gender, ethnicity, heritage, and non-hateful religious followers. 

i am against child abuse, child neglect, DV, SA and theres NO excuse for any of it. Monsters who do these acts are monsters and theres no going back from that.

i am against cruelty, excessive) selfishness + selflessness(these things must be in a good balance), bullying, cheating, lying (unless its a life or death situation), people refusing self-improvement/growth, being disingenuous/fake.

Kindness is a gift. Be kind, be understanding but be rational because there will always be people who want to abuse others' kindness.Its a gift you have to give to YOURSELF first so that you will also have enough to be able to share with others. Being kind includes setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive and clear, letting yourself BE HUMAN.

If you see a chance to help someone no matter how small it may seem at first it DOES matter. 

When you make a mistake you do your best to right your wrong because youre yourself during your best and your worst times so make sure you can be proud of yourself even in the worst times. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn- take them!!! 

Life is short but also long- keeping/finding good mental health is a must, being able to be yourself is a must- never live a lie, you want something you work for it- passion is a wonderful tool, surround yourself with like-minded people but don't be afraid to be open to others- you may learn something new!

im only 23 rn but i feel ive learned a lot in my lifetime and im also know i have so much more ahead of me. i know some of these maybe hard for other people and it may feel lonely at times but for me thats okie. i dont preach or force these things on other people, mind you. i believe if someone truly wants to change, grow into living with this kinda moral set and sticking to it they need to find their reasons themselves. we're all on our own journeys.

Anyways most of my life i have found everyone around me has often just expected the worst of me in every situation and treated me as if i am evil in human form no matter what was proven. i dont live to make others like me so i do my best to stand up for myself but if they dont believe me or not care enough to think of me even neutrally now- thats fine with me. i just dont want to be treated poorly. i will never understand excessive cruelty that has been done to me. i dont know what they tell themselves at night to justify it all. it makes me feel scared since i feel like if any of them got the chance to be cruel to me once again none of them would flinch to do so. i understand i maybe cringe and annoying but i like myself, who i am and who i am always working on growing to be. im not gonna change for people who dont care about me as even a fellow human. i just wish and hope they ever hear or see my name or face anywhere its because my comic im currently working on made it big!

Before i close this post off i would like to say i understand my demeanour and overall hopefulness maybe seen like just plain ol' naivety and ill be honest maybe it is but i am passionate and i am determined to never give up, to use this life for all its got and do my part to make the world even just a little kinder. If that makes me seem stupid to you then i wonder what does "stupid" even mean to you.

"There's a difference only you can make." - Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses

[ear-worthy]

Pod-Alization: Relationship Podcast Launches; Health & Wellness Pods For Women; Debating Carbon Capture

You Need to Hear This relationship podcast debuts

iHeartPodcasts and licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab have announced a new health and relationship podcast You Need to Hear This, launching May 11.

Face it, relationships are hard, but they don’t have to be. In You Need to Hear This, Tawwab guides influential guests and callers alike on healthy ways to set boundaries, improve interconnections, and find peace of mind in their daily lives. Each week, through actionable plans and emotional support, Tawwab outlines simple steps that lead to big changes. 

 Tawwab is a licensed therapist and highly sought-after relationship expert. She has practiced relationship therapy for 15 years and is the founder and owner of the group therapy practice, Kaleidoscope Counseling. Her philosophy is that a lack of boundaries and assertiveness underlie most relationship issues. 

Tawwab has appeared as an expert on Red Table Talk, The Breakfast Club, Good Morning America, The Today Show, and CBS This Morning. Tawwab’s gift is helping people create healthy boundaries and relationships with themselves and others. 

You Need To Hear This premieres Thursday, May 11 with new episodes launching every Thursday.

Golden Goose Creative recommends Health & Wellness Podcasts for Women

Golden Goose Creative is the home to the creative female podcaster who needs post-production and other podcasting support like building strategic plans to grow listeners, monetization, and more. The women-owned business takes on the complexity of podcast operations, enabling female podcasters to focus on other areas of their business while putting out episodes regularly.

The female owners of Golden Goose Creative — Aleea and Hav — also produce a regular blog with helpful tips for podcasters and recommendations for podcast listeners.

Here’s an excerpt from their blog:

“Taking care of our businesses and podcasts are important. But we also need to take care of ourselves. As women, we tend to put other people’s needs above our own, whether that be our kids, pets, partners or other friends and family members. Of course, all of that is still important but taking care of our own welling being is important too. As they say, filling up our own cups will help us fill up others. We can’t fill others from an empty cup! So, today, let’s jump in as I cover some of our favorite health + wellness podcasts for women.”

They go on to recommend several health and wellness podcasts for women, including the Courageous Wellness Podcast. It’s hosted by Aly French and Erica Stein, who are both certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coaches with advanced training in gut health and hormone health. The show itself is about de-stigmatizing conversations in the wellness space and celebrating the experiences/lessons of their guests. They interview diverse people about their personal journeys in health and wellness. From physical wellness, to emotional and spiritual, they are listening to courageous stories.

They go on to recommend five more excellent health and wellness podcasts for women. Check out those recommendations here.

If you’re a female aspirational podcaster, check out Aleea and Hav from Golden Goose Creative. They are happy to also discuss their footwear choice, with Aleea admitting she’s a “A fuzzy socks and crocs kind of gal,” and Hav noting “90 percent of the time you’ll catch me in sneakers” but then confessing, “I’ll never up my love for cute heels.”

Open To Debate podcast tackles Carbon Capture

This week, nonpartisan debate podcast Open to Debate tackles the question: “Is Carbon Capture Essential to Fighting Climate Change?”

When it comes to carbon dioxide, last year was a record year. The world emitted more of the climate-warming gas in 2022 than in any year since scientists began recording levels in 1900. So … what can be done to prevent dangerous levels of warming? One potential method is called carbon capture and storage, a technology in which CO2 is extracted and stored in underground facilities. In fact, as recently as February, Exxon Mobil announced that it will use Honeywell technology in Texas to capture some seven million tons of carbon dioxide per year. Other companies, meanwhile, have followed suit.

But it is not without controversy. Critics say the technology is not cost-effective, is unreliable in large scales, and that the level of carbon removal needed to help the planet is well beyond current capacity. As such, they say, it is a dangerous distraction in the broader fight against climate change, potentially diluting the urgency in reducing emissions. Others say these systems are ever more adept at capturing gases from the air, and that they have the potential to become a critical tool in the battle against rising emissions.

Arguing YES, carbon capture is an essential tool in the climate fight, is Katherine Romanak, Research Scientist for Bureau of Economic Geology. Arguing NO is Mark Z. Jacobson, Professor of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Stanford University and Director of its Atmosphere/Energy Program.

Find the full episode at the Open to Debate website, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get podcasts.

[lizasayspsychology]

I am not whole without you

If you feel like you cannot live without other person or you are not whole without them - its a huge sign of codependency.

In case you are not familiar with this term. Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships where each person is mentally, emotionally and/or physically dependent on each other and cannot function independently anymore.

I already mentioned in one of my previous posts about attachment styles, that in codependent relationships person A is being persistently prioritized over person B, and this person B is dependent on the emotions, moods and behaviours of the person A. It can also be seen as "relationship addiction," because such people become addicted to unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships.

Codependency can exist between romantic partners, family members, friends or even colleagues. If you have codependent relationship with your romantic partner, most probably you are building the same kind of relationship with other people as well.

Let's look at the signs of codependent behaviour:

trouble making decisions

low self-esteem

difficulty identifying and expressing your feelings

fear of abandonment

obsessive need for approval

self-sacrifice

avoiding conflicts

tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires

constantly making decisions for others

having your mood based on other person`s emotions and not your own feelings

doing things you don’t want to do to make others happy

If while reading this list of signs you found out, you have some or even most of them, please don't panic. As a person who struggled (and actually still struggling) with tendency to have codependent behaviour, I can tell you that it's possible to get out of this "codependent loop".

The first and most important step is to admit you have codependent tendencies and start working on yourself. I cannot promise you it won't be hard - it will, but this step will make you closer to meeting your true self.

Maybe you are wondering why you have tendency to such behaviour. Here are some examples of events that could happen in your childhood, which could lead you to have such behaviour as an adult:

you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

your needs were ignored

you had controlling or overprotective caregivers, who did not let you set healthy boundaries

you experienced abandonment of one or both parents/caregivers

caregivers were not consistent in their behaviour

you experienced criticism and/or bullying from parents, siblings or other people

And now you are probably asking "So what should I do now?". Probably the most obvious and effective advice I could give you is going to therapy. But apart from this, here are some tips that could help you overcome codependency:

spend some time alone - it will help you to get to know yourself, get in touch with your emotions and recharge your energy.

set boundaries - think of the the limits that are acceptable for you in a relationship and overall communication with people (I recommend you to read one of my previous posts related to this topic for better understanding).

take care of yourself - as one of the key signs of codependent person is low self-esteem, it`s highly important to start working on it by paying more attention to your physical body (move, spend time outside, eat healthy food), do things that actually make you feel happy and acknowledge if you are having negative self-talk (there will be a whole post related to this topic).

practice assertive communication - using "I" message is a great way to start (check my post "how to set boundaries" to learn more)

learn signs of healthy relationship - if you tend to have codependent relationships, it may be hard for you to even tell what the signs of healthy and loving relationship actually are. So it will be good to find out more about it.

I hope that you feel more self-aware now after reading this post. I would be happy if it helps or inspires someone to start working on themselves.

Thank you for your time and attention! It's highly valuable to me.

[heyyoufathead]

Friday 12/16/2022

I’ve neglected my journaling over the past year or so. I should make an appointment with a nutritionist. I’m excitedly awaiting the delivery of a new pair of orthopedic sneakers.

I went to the dentist recently and they told me the last time I was there was in May 2021. That was before my dad was in a terrible car accident and my best friend died. I had no idea what was coming.

I’m going to see my parents tomorrow. For the first time in just over a year. I believe my mother’s mental and emotional health is steepening in its decline and the thought of seeing her fills me with reluctance and sadness. The thought of seeing my father fills me with fatigued annoyance. Despite the numerous boundaries I’ve set over the years, he continues to tell me I need to lose weight and talk shit about my mother. Tomorrow will likely be more of the same.

Due to a bout of the flu and a new medication, I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight in the past couple of months. Enough that people comment on it. And I’m not often able to consume much in the way of real food. Protein bars and sugar-free sports drinks have become my staples. In any event, I know my dad will probably notice my weight loss and praise it. As if my value resides in being slim and reflecting well on him, and because I’ve obviously taken his advice. And I feel confident that he’ll notice my lack of appetite (”aren’t you hungry?” “look at you, eating a salad! good for you!”) and I’m going to be pissed off and abandon my plan of assertively defending my boundaries without raising my voice and making a scene in the restaurant.

My therapist suggested that I ask my oldest son, whom my father considers to be The Golden Child TM, to be the center of attention and star of the show in an attempt to take some of the scrutiny off of me. I just tried to call him but no answer.

I think I may have made him mad because he and his long-term gf want to ride to my hometown with my partner and I in my tiny hatchback. I was hoping to have a quiet 3-hour drive, in order to gather my defenses, and they’ll want to chat. Plus, the seats in my car are not super comfortable, especially when it’s a 6-hour roundtrip. So, really, it’s their own funeral if they still want to do it.

Anyway, I sent him a text last night telling him that it wasn’t my intention to make him feel unwelcome, to which I have received no reply.

Today is laundry and grocery and getting gas in both the cars. My daughter is in Beantown and I’m excited for her to get out of the state and travel with her peers. I know my parents will miss seeing her, as will her siblings, but she’s living her life. And I think she’s happy.

I still feel sad. I wish my dad would stop being the same person he’s been my entire life and respect my boundaries. I wish I didn’t keep hoping things would change and getting mad when they don’t. I wish I didn’t want what I know I can’t have. I wish I had more energy and patience for my mom and her stuck bitter feelings and stories that she repeats during every phone call now. It’s hard to witness their misery, especially when they choose it over and over.

I also wish that I didn’t feel like a hypocrite for feeling like I do. This month marks the 3-year anniversary of me seeing my current therapist mostly consistently and it’s made a world of positive difference in my life.

[kaladin-sadblessed]

Look idk if I have any younger followers but I’ve been reflecting a lot on my teenage years and I just wanted to say that you do not have to hold the burden of your friends mental illness at that age.

I’m not calling your friend a burden, and I’m not saying that you can’t support them, but god, you cannot be their only support system. I know when you’re a teenager you feel like an adult that’s been trapped in a high school, but realistically, you’re still a child. You’re still learning and growing and developing. You’re still in your formative years. And believe me when I say that losing nights’ worth of sleep to play crisis counsellor at the age of fifteen will fuck you up for life.

It’s not your job to be a lifeline. It’s not your job to be the only person someone else can confide their deepest darkest secrets in. It’s your job to study for your GCSEs and experiment with weird makeup/styles it’s your job to let yourself grow up. If your friend is struggling with their mental health, especially if they’re considering hurting themselves, you need to tell an adult. It can be your parents, or your teacher, or your older cousin that let you stay up late when she babysat you. But taking on the emotional toll of looking after someone else when you aren’t even old enough to live alone isn’t okay for you. There are adults who are trained in these situations, who get paid to help in these situations who can actually anything substantial to help because they have qualifications- or at the very least some sort of life experience.

I know it feels impossible. I know it feels like their life literally depends on you answering your phone and to talk to someone else about it would be a massive betrayal, but that’s not a fair position for you to be in. It’s not okay to have separation anxiety from your phone or to chastise yourself for the time at which you fell asleep. And it can get super normalised in friendships like that, bc the person you’re spending the most time with has all sorts of emotional problems. And it’s easy to write off your own feelings bc “well I’m not mentally ill, so I can’t complain”. I guarantee that shit will leave you with boundary issues and a martyr complex.

If you’re school was on fire, you wouldn’t try to fight it yourself, would you? You wouldn’t take responsibility for being the fire marshal. You’d call someone qualified to deal with it: the fire brigade, the head teacher, right? That’s exactly the attitude you need to have with your friends’ (and by extension, your own!!) mental health.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm asking you because you have really good insights about this kind of thing—I hope that's ok. Please ignore this ask if answering it will have any sort of negative impact on your day! I really don't want to put you out; I just admire your ability to balance compassion and assertiveness.

If you have the time and inclination:

My partner's learned helplessness is driving me nuts and turning me into someone I don't like, a person who has very strong urges to answer 75% of their questions with let-me-google-that-for-you links and often thinks "jesus christ, you're a fucking adult, how do you not know how to look up this extremely basic concept that I mastered when I was six, it's not that hard".

Obviously, it must be that hard for them, or they wouldn't be constantly asking me to explain things I learned in kindergarten. I'm sure it must be embarrassing, I'm glad they feel safe coming to me, but sometimes I feel like a parent or a child's schoolteacher instead of an equal partner. I don't know how to broach this without making them feel like I think they're stupid, but the longer it goes on the more annoyed I get when they ask me questions it would take less than ten seconds for them to find the answers to on their own.

I feel mean. I don't want to feel mean. I also don't want to be treated like a search engine with legs.

--

Oh no! Learned helplessness is The Worst.

There's no way out of this without discussing it in some fashion. It will probably be awkward no matter what and result in hurt feelings even if they think you're right and try to pretend they're not hurt for your sake. So... you know... be ready for that.

But continuing as you are will just make you into more of a dick, as you clearly already know.

--

I guess the question here is what exactly is going on. Like... did they grow up very privileged and sheltered and they don't understand basic shit like boiling an egg? Or are they so insecure they need to check in with you before attempting things?

On your end, why is it this annoying? Do you feel like your time is being wasted? Are you two not spending much time together other than these interactions?

Is this a situation where you've delegated work to them and/or split up the chores, but then they come to you for micromanaging of their share? Because if it's that, they're not actually doing their share, and that could easily be making you feel this pissy. If it's that, you're going to need to have a conversation with them about how their share of the workload involves the looking up and figuring out parts too.

Is it a situation where you're working from home and every time you get on a roll, focusing deeply on something, they pop up with a dumb question that derails your train of thought? Because if that is happening, it would explain your level of irritation, and it's something you could set a boundary about easily.

If it's more of a "Fuck, are you a child???" issue because they don't understand how to run the damn coffeemaker or something, and you boggle at this, talking about how they were raised and why they don't know this basic-ass stuff might help you feel less irritated. You should probably still ask them to try to google it before coming to you every time though. But maybe some perspective on just how much they don't know and what kinds of areas they don't know will help. And it might help you direct them to resources for that whole area so they don't have so many future questions on [cooking, cleaning, whatever].

Spending some time together doing things they are good at might help as well—reminding you that they're a competent adult in other ways.

They must know google exists. Why are they coming to you? Obvious answers that jump out at me are:

They're much worse at research and sifting information than you realize, so google results aren't as helpful as they would be for someone with more background to interpret them.

It's hard for them to understand written explanations because of a learning disability you don't know about, but your explanations are easy for them.

They know so little that they don't understand how simple these questions are or that the answers would be easy to find.

They tried to do things on their own in the past, only for the internet instructions to be very wrong, and everything blew up in their face.

Parents or past partners made them feel stupid and trained them to never make decisions alone.

They're working from home, extremely bored, and need to get a handle on their ADHD before you throttle each other in the nonsexy way.

They want to talk to you and spend time with you, and coming to you with random nonsense is just a good chance to do that.

They're anxious, and this is actually some kind of self-soothing by checking in behavior.

These are actually high-level questions; you're just a lot more knowledgeable than you realize.

I mean, occam's razor, they're probably just bugging you because it's easiest and fastest for them, and they haven't realized how irritating it is. But there could be other stuff going on.

The fix might be as simple as "Honey, I need to focus on work between 9am and 12pm. I can't answer questions during that time." or as simple as finding them wikiHow or a decent beginner cooking class Youtube channel.

If they have incompetent rich kid problems, the latter will work fine. I had those and so did everyone I knew from school once we finally got out and didn't have the dining hall to feed us or mommy and daddy and house cleaners to clean our bathrooms anymore. If you grew up with normal parents, you'll be constantly shocked at all the shit rich kids not only don't know how to do but don't even know exists as a possible task. Sometimes, it's gendered too. ("I thought the tub got clean from the soap when you shower?" is only the tip of the incompetence iceberg. I've heard so many hilarious stories like this.)

If they have "my half of the work includes asking you to do the thinking" problem, maybe show them this comic or use an explanation like this. (It's the famous You Should've Asked by Emma, of course.)

[chispas-and-broken-bindings]

Do you have advice for setting boundaries? Some family members often trample over my boundaries and I find it hard to push back against that in a way that doesn't lead to a lot of anger and accusations and a huge amount of emotional exhaustion on my part.

Most of what I've learned about boundary setting has been because I have two close family members with borderline personality disorder, and without boundaries, I don't think I'd be married, nor do I think I'd be able to maintain the close relationships I have with my non-BPD family members that we've been fortunate enough to cultivate.

These skills were developed through a lot of family discussions and therapy, and also through this website, that was created for family members of people with personality disorders.

Even if the people in your life are not as extreme as someone with a personality disorder, I've still found the "toolbox" to be very helpful in any situation where I've needed to create boundaries in order to protect my own well-being in a way that doesn't escalate the situation. The toolbox has a lot of great detail and specific examples of what to say...simple things to keep in your back pocket, so that you aren't caught on the back foot, struggling to find words in an intense conversation. I've come back to it again and again for de-escalation and boundary-setting techniques

I've found the following particularly helpful and applicable in all of my relationships (not just the difficult ones):

My Stuff/Your Stuff - My Stuff/Your Stuff is a thought technique of reminding yourself to separate what is really your responsibility, your concern and under your control and what is a another individual's responsibility, concern and under their control.

Put Children First - Put Children First means making decisions based on "what is in the best interests of the children", regardless of the consequences for the parents and any other parties involved. <- This one has been a particularly clarifying and useful since becoming a parent.

Time Out - A Time-Out is a decision to temporarily disengage from an argument, conversation, interpersonal situation or conflict.

Medium Chill - A technique used to disengage oneself from another person's drama when direct contact is unavoidable.

Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.

Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor.

There are two key components to Medium Chill:

1. Don't share any personal information.

2. Don't get involved in another person's chaos or drama.

The 51% Rule - The 51% Rule says that we need to consider our own needs just a little more than those of others in order to be able to help them effectively.

----

I hope this helps, and I'm sorry you're struggling with family who won't respect your boundaries. It's an exhausting place to be, and its horribly complicated. Even with good boundaries in place, and even knowing you are doing the right thing for yourself...it doesn't always take away the complex feelings of guilt, sadness or obligation....but I've found that having boundaries firmly in place can at least gives me the space to put those feelings on a shelf for awhile so I can breathe and focus on other, hopefully more fulfilling aspects of my life.

Sending you all the hugs, and happy to chat about this any time. Having support from an outside source has also been really helpful in keeping me resolute and my boundaries in place.

[etheriadearie]

“Promise”

Why can't you just… Promise ?

Today's goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: "Promise"

Storywise, it's incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It's the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.

For Adora, we're gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we'll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra... she's really guarding her feelings closely, as she's already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra's younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..

To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…

After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk...

We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she's protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn't ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then...

Adora asks: "Does Shadow Weaver know you're here?" Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn't know why.

"I'd say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now". Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.

Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora's flirtation, saying "I told you it's not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it's not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn't explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way... but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.

"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together". She's very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She's mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.

"The ones you let SW imprison and curse?" Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.

"Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?" An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora... while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer...

::Let's take a moment to talk about Catra's feelings about Adora's new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn't even look back towards her.

She's forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn't reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she's been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.

Suffice to say, Catra couldn't do this, she's got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn't good enough, knowing because of it she's forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn't trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here's Adora... accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.

>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn't even acknowledge their lost friendship.

"Well, we don't need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I'll find my own way out". Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora's back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it's useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn't really understand Catra's.

>As they walk along, both girls' shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important... it's also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)

After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused... Catra doesn't like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn't done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra's point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora's arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn't understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.

The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn't really agree that the horde is evil... in her experience, it's just how life is.

>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra's call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…

~DISCLAIMER TIME~ A lot of information in She-ra is inferred by emotional context, so if this seems a bit head-canon-y, I assure you, I have data! Please ask questions and seek clarifications, I promise to answer back! ~EtheriaDearie

>A worried and hurt young Catra runs to young Adora's side. She is emotional and needs support. Adora checks her out then gets the real deal: Catra was in a fight with an adult. It hints that Catra always had to deal with people messing with her, even before SW began her abuse. This is a guess, but it's probable: this is likely a happy memory of the two of them right before the hurting began. Along with the "promise" memory and the moments immediately preceding their entering the Black Garnet chamber, these scenes set the baseline for what their friendship was like before Catra suffered SW’s abuse. Also, this memory is a happy one, and how Adora remembers their friendship: it was likely triggered by her memories. The next ones are not, as I believe they are triggered by Catra, who is trying to explain to Adora what was so painful about their childhood...

>Catra doesn't know what to expect when she shows Octavia to Adora. She probably expects Adora to try to apologize on her behalf, or to give her a hard time about what she did. Instead, Adora sticks with her friend and yells “Hey Octavia, you're a dumbface." This brings young Catra much joy, Adora is sticking with her, not passing judgement. The two young girls run together hand in hand, experiencing childhood bliss, but it doesn't last. The present versions of themselves return, holding hands...

They share a brief moment of connection before Catra pulls her hand away in anger. Adora is surprised at the strength of Catra’s reaction. They are not on intimate terms any more, in fact, I suspect they had been struggling for a while before Adora's defection. Adora doesn't want the moment to stop, but Catra does. It hints that the gulf between them is already wide.

"How can you deal with all this magic stuff?" Catra has a deep distrust of magic, as it was used in her abuse. She resents it, and throughout the series whenever anything magic happens that she doesn't see coming she gets creeped out.

"I'm only dealing with it because I need to figure out how to heal Glimmer after someone got her cursed." It's a valid criticism, but Catra deflects it.

"What do you want? An apology? You're not getting one." We don't get the full story on this moment until season 5 when a young Catra tells Adora she'll "never say sorry to anybody, ever." Adora doesn't like Catra just refusing to explain, and as Catra pushes her away, Catra is full of reproach at Adora's judgement.

::As an abused child, Catra was continuously vilified and abused by everyone but Adora. And when Adora would suggest she apologize throughout their lives, she can't understand why Catra won't. It comes down to literally everyone in the world judging Catra and being cruel. Not once did any of them apologize to her, even though she didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. Except Adora... but that has issues, too. In fact, SW literally tells her "I won't apologize" regarding her abuse of Catra. Can you imagine the hurt at that?

[pic caption: Catra refuses to apologize, Catra often shows her deeper emotions while blinking, in this case: the incredible pain she experienced from SW’s abuse.]

So no, Catra won't apologize, she had a thing she was trying to do by kidnapping Bow and Glimmer and taking her sword, and it ended badly. But she felt she had a good reason to do it: she wanted to force Adora to see her, to make her acknowledge how big of a part of Adora’s life Catra used to be. And it's not like anyone has been helping Catra, she's had to make every single decision on her own her entire life and live with the consequences.

Also, mistakes for Catra have an entirely different meaning than they do for Adora. Whenever Adora made a mistake, she was given an opportunity to fix it. This is a theme of their relationship: Adora expects Catra to let her fix her mistakes. But for Catra, she learned that any mistake she made was dangerous, as when she did make a mistake, SW would torture her for it. And if other people saw it too, they'd use it to perpetuate the notion that she's some kind of no good fuck up. So Catra is extremely careful to not make mistakes, and if she does, she tries to cover it up, distance herself from it. (note: this isn't the same as Catra's intentional rebellions against this system where she was unfairly targeted for abuse-). This is why Catra simply cannot forgive Adora easily for breaking her promise: in Catra's world, she had to be perfect, or she could have been dead by SW's hand. She wasn't allowed to make mistakes like Adora is, she is what is clinically known as 'hyper vigilant' and always preparing for the worst. And so she applies this standard to be perfect all the time to Adora, and therefore she won't give Adora the same license to make mistakes with their friendship. Catra thinks Adora should know better, and see the consequences of her actions.

>Adora lets it go: when Catra seems to shut down, Adora does her best to try to accept her. Adora tries a different track. She asks Catra why she let her and Glimmer go when SW had them imprisoned, when it could have resulted in Catra getting in trouble. Catra walks ahead, trying to distance herself from having to answer. But the magic of the Crystal Castle intervenes: as Adora slips and begins to fall, Catra saves her. It's a symbolic moment: Catra has always tried to protect Adora, to save her from pain. It's why she changed course to give the sword back to her, partly.

"Did you really think I'd just let SW erase your memory like that?"

"I don't know. Probably." Adora shows such little understanding of their friendship. It shows Adora really is thinking of Catra as an enemy, not as the complicated person stuck between protecting her friend, and the cruel necessities of her life.

Catra looks at Adora with disappointment. "Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me." Adora tries to understand Catra's emotions, fails.

"Huh, can you blame me?" Ouch. Adora smiles at Catra, trying to show love for her roguish quirks. But it just shows how little Adora understands: she is repeating a negative stereotype of Catra that everyone in their old life believes and perpetuates. And Adora should know better, instead of just assuming the worst about her. That persona is one which Catra uses to protect herself, partly from her own emotional feelings, but also as a necessity to protect herself from SW. She had to act like she doesn't care, doesn't try, so SW wouldn't see her power.

"Psh, not really." As Catra turns away, again she deadpans this but you can see pain and disappointment leaking past her indifference.

As she walks away she trails her tail across Adora's hand, flirting and drawing Adora's attention to her butt. It's a cute little moment of telling a truth to counter the lie: 'Adora, you should know me better, and also, I like you.' Still, it's only a half truth: Catra couldn't let SW win because SW is Catra's true enemy. But, Adora takes the flirtatious hint, as always. She accepts it and doesn't dig deeper.

Catra asks Adora about their childhood, trying to understand how Adora could just throw it all away. Adora gives a very direct and impassioned speech, she looks Catra in the eyes, trying to convince her and make her understand why leaving was the right thing to do. Catra hides her emotions, weighing Adora's answer. She doesn't agree with her sentiment, in Catra's experience good and evil are relative and exist as such everywhere. Also, she's right: we meet many people in the Horde who aren't evil. And Adora's finding the sword is one giant sinister manipulation by Light Hope. Moral grayness is a constant theme in this show. Still, this isn't really why Catra chooses to stay with the Horde.

Adora sees her explanation failing to convince Catra, so she tries reminding Catra of their deeper friendship, telling her she misses her too. Catra is temporarily taken aback at being called out before remembering to deny it. She tells Adora to get over herself, and Adora tells her she won't stop until Catra says she likes her. They flirtatiously rough house, and Catra smiles during it: yeah, she does. But she denies it anyways.

::Adora often tries to be respectful of Catra's personal space but is making an exception here: she's telling her that she finds her desirable, and if Catra wanted it, they could be together. Adora can't understand why Catra feels the need to resist this, but she knows doing it helps her friend feel wanted. Still, this shows how casually Adora views their attraction.

Yes, they should be together. And actually, they had an unspoken agreement that they would be. But Catra's not going to open herself up to that just to serve her desire. She wants more from Adora, for Adora to show her that she really does see her, and cares about her. If she did, maybe Catra could open up about some of her pain. Being intimate without doing that would be impossible, and so far Catra's life still isn't safe enough to risk her feelings. Adora's promotion could have meant the beginning of something new between them, where they worked together to build a more secure future together where Catra didn't have to be fearful all the time. But instead, Adora left her.

So begins the second memory. The two girls, now teenagers, compete against each other in sparring. It's clear they are flirting, and neither is fighting all out. When Catra taunts Adora by putting her finger to her forehead, she shows how much better she is at fighting. She full heartedly laughs, Adora enjoys this and then throws a purposefully weak strike to restart the fight. When Adora seemingly turns the tables through brute force, Catra plays hurt to exploit Adora's naiveness. As Adora tries to show concern, Catra turns the tables back. She wants to teach Adora a lesson: that not everyone will play fair, as Catra knows all too well from SW's abuse. But Lonnie interrupts her. Catra doesn't appreciate this and makes quick work of Lonnie, showing just how good she is. Adora attacks, getting the predetermined win. Catra doesn't enjoy the beat down but accepts Adora's help up. She heads to Lonnie as Adora receives compliments from their commander.

As Catra confronts Lonnie, she tells Catra "you were playing dirty, I was just leveling the field". Catra will hear these words again when she leaves Adora behind in frustration near the end of the episode. They are significant: these are stereotypical views forced on Catra, and those views ignore that Catra was just doing something she felt was important: teaching Adora about the harsh realities that exist in the world. Real enemies don't play by the rules, and will be unpredictable.

As Catra’s anger rises at this, Adora puts her hand on Catra's shoulder to calm her down, then compliments Catra on her fighting skills. Catra ever so casually tosses the comforting hand aside. She's saying 'I can handle my emotions without your help, but thanks for asking.' As she tells Adora she let her win, Adora tries to tell if Catra really is ok.

Thus starts one of cutest exchanges between the two of them: as Catra tries to explain why she lets Adora win, Adora puts on her sideways 'you like me' grin while she playfully denies that Catra let her win. Catra gives a very animated and obviously made up explanation about not wanting to have people expect things from her. Adora grins along, and halfway through her lie Catra leans in, staring at Adora's lips before looking up into her eyes. Once again, Catra is undoing a lie by telling a truth: she let her win because she likes (loves) her. But it's only a half truth, once again...

Adora accepts the explanation, keeping her sideways grin: 'it's so cute how you like me'. Catra's explanation done, Adora moves on, wanting to catch up with their unit. Catra lets her do so while excusing herself. As Adora leaves, a huge amount of meaningful information passes across Catra's face…

First, Catra feels bad about having to lie to Adora, and it shows. Then, as Adora leaves to socialize, disappointment and rejection shows: Catra had hoped Adora might look deeper, and try to see the deeper truth. As Adora turns away and leaves we see a look of total love and adoration on Catra's face. She really, really loves Adora. She's the light of her life, a real idiot no doubt but Catra will always love her for exactly who she is.

The girls remain their younger selves as the rest of the memory plays out, Adora staying to accept praise while Catra separates to deal with her internal feelings which Adora always fails to see: the hurt and aloneness she feels.

>A frustrated young Catra cries, expressing her repressed emotions. It would be easiest to assume she cries because she's sad about losing, but we have to look ahead to the next memory to find the real truth.

Catra is sad because she never had a choice. SW took that choice from her, and while Catra is happy to let Adora win because of the love she feels for her, it hurts that she never really got to decide. And Adora doesn't see that, doesn't see the pain Catra is bearing, hiding. And so she cries for that, too. The one person who should love her doesn't really see her. As she looks up in the mirror to see herself, since no one else in her life seems to see her pain, she sees her present tearful self looking back. The pain of the past is real in the present, and while she's older now and won't let herself give in to tears, she feels the pain as she did back then. (pic 1, below) She sees the tears and it snaps her back to her present self, totally unnerved by the simulation as the security detects her and attacks. A fearful Catra screams, wanting help, wanting Adora.

>Adora snaps back to herself, having been participating in the replay of the memory post Catra excusing herself. She tries to run to help Catra, full of worry. She sees a terrified Catra trapped by the spider. As the spider begins to drag her away the two girls lock arms, trying to free Catra. But it's too strong, and as we see their grip start to slip, Catra looks to Adora wanting, pleading for help. As Catra is pulled away, Adora feels helpless, knowing she couldn't help her friend. She thumps her head in frustration that she wasn't there for Catra.

The scene speaks to an obvious truth: Adora has never quite been there enough for Catra. She's always less present, less aware of Catra's reality than she could have been. But since Catra was experiencing a painful memory when this happened, her reaction shows her vulnerable emotional state, and so she called out for help: Catra just wants to feel safe, for Adora to be there to help her. But she wasn't.

>As Catra is dragged away, she feels helpless, and calls out mournfully for Adora. But she's long gone; Catra is alone and scared, as usual. She screams out her frustration, the realization that she’s never gotten the help she needed, she always ends up alone. She cries tears for the suffering and anguish she feels from that. (pic 2, below) It’s a moment that shows us the real inner Catra: She feels deeply, whether it be her desire to be seen, loved by Adora, or the fear she feels in this moment and others. She tries her best to act confident in herself, but it's a lie: she needs support, yet is left behind by everyone, including Adora. She was willing to bear her pain for Adora's love, but she has become increasingly aware of how tenuous that really was growing up.

>Catra digs deep, like she's always done. She will handle this, won't take the abuse lying down. She shifts her mentality to being the survivor, the person who has survived years of abuse. She frees herself and gets to her feet, accessing her foe, determined to defeat it. She attacks, using her anger to deal damaging blows, seeking to destroy her enemy, to make sure she survives. She stands back, confident she's won, proud of herself for it. She doesn't quit, she always perseveres against those who want to destroy her. (pic 3)

Adora shows up, finishing the monster. Catra doesn't drop her mentality, this person who has lived a separate life from Adora and survived on her own, doing the hard things like winning fights and resisting Shadow Weaver's abuse.

Adora walks forward, seeing Catra's anger, determination. She looks blankly, trying not to upset Catra. She's trying to get a read on Catra but not having any luck, so she's being cautious. She asks if Catra is ok, casually pulling webbing off Catra's shoulder, trying to exist in her physical space without upsetting Catra further. "I had it" says Catra, not dropping her fighter stance, mentality at all. Catra is very much feeling the aloneness of her life from everyone, including Adora.

Adora tries to casually put aside Catra's assertion that she had it, she smiles diplomatically. She tries again to touch Catra, to break down her animosity and get her to calm down. It doesn't work. "We need to make sure we stick together from now on." As Adora touches Catra, she tenses, uncomfortable. Catra has strong touch aversion, and Adora knows this but she also knows doing it sometimes helps Catra shift her mentality, so she's trying to get Catra to connect emotionally, to get her to accept care.

"Will you stop telling me what to do?" An exasperated Catra says. We see a look of total dismay cross Adora's face. She's not understanding why Catra has so much animosity in this moment. (pic below)

As Adora looks at Catra, she hunches her body, looking misunderstood and isolated. Adora has consistently failed to see Catra's emotional states and so Catra is feeling more and more apart; that the mentality of the survivor she's feeling now is the right one. Adora didn't really help her at all growing up, and she doesn't see her for who she really is, either. Adora always took the easy explanation, like saying that Catra did things for her because she liked her. Never looking deeper, trying to see her struggle. And so Catra doesn't drop her combative pose, she stays in it because she feels in control, less vulnerable.

As for the words "stop telling me what to do", that's an essay in itself but consider: just now Adora became frustrated when she lost Catra, and now tells her they need to stay together. But they didn't, they never did, and even when they are together Adora is no real help to Catra. So she reacts in anger to Adora trying to direct her. After all, in the next scene we will see that Adora leads Catra into danger, and then doesn't really help her as she gets abused. Adora is no great leader, not according to Catra's experience.

::Adora is having a total loss, here, as she tries to understand Catra, why she's angry at her: It's because she has never really known this 'survivor' side of Catra. Adora wants to comfort her and calm her down, but Catra isn't having it. I think this is when we first see Adora begin to realize that there is something is very wrong with her friend that she has completely failed to see, and she's deeply worried by it. (pic 2)

[pic cation: Adora can't read Catra's emotions, Adora realizes Catra is deeply angry. Outside SW’s chamber, Adora wants to take Catra’s hand.]

Adora loves Catra, but can't seem to get through to her: Catra is holding herself apart from Adora. Again, Catra pushes Adora's hand aside, frustrated. She expresses her exasperation at the situation, saying she's sick of what's going on. Adora follows along, confused. As Catra seemingly purposefully leaves her behind, Adora demands to know what Catra's problem is, saying that she was trying to save her. Catra looks down at her confrontationally, frustrated with Adora's lack of vision. "For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you." Uh oh.

The words "no thanks to you" are especially cutting. Adora has totally failed to see the struggles Catra had all her life, she didn't understand the hurt and abuse Catra was fighting against. And so Catra did it all on her own, protecting herself and trying to remain strong. Her love of Adora might have helped her have hope, but fundamentally Catra overcame the abuse by not giving up on herself, believing she had worth, and not letting others tear her down.

Adora runs to Catra's side, taking her arm in one hand. Feeling her friend becoming increasingly distant from her, Adora tries authentically telling Catra her feelings, hoping to make her friend see her desire to help and understand her. Adora explains that she's sorry for leaving and that she did it because she couldn't stand the war the Horde has pursued. Her next words are telling: "but I never wanted to leave you". 'Want' is an important word in this series, and it comes up again in season 5 when Catra asks Adora "what do you want, Adora?”. By choosing to leave the Horde, Catra feels that Adora wanted that more than she wanted what they had together. Also, promises are not something you're supposed to break over a 'want'. And Adora so casually breaking their promises makes Catra think she doesn't matter to Adora. It's not the truth, but this belief still determines her reaction in this moment. Even though Adora dearly loves Catra, including at this point in the story, she hasn't shown it in a way that Catra can see as meaningful. As Adora finishes saying this, Catra looks back, feeling alone and unwanted, seemingly thinking 'but you did leave me, Adora.'

Adora tries to appeal to Catra to join the rebellion with her. Then she says "I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde." Catra must be thinking 'Ok so at what point did you become the authority on whether someone is good or bad, Adora?' Adora has shown no interest in understanding Catra's position, she treated her as an enemy without fail since she left her, literally in every single case including at Princess Prom when Catra was trying so hard to romance her. And Catra doesn't accept Adora's naive black and white view of the world. Think about it: when Adora defects she begins treating all Horde with hostility, including her dearest friend, she judges them all and doesn’t even try to see them as the complicated people that they are. So when she suggests Catra doesn't belong with the Horde, Catra looks back at her, feeling totally isolated from Adora. Even though Adora's plea is earnest, Catra declines it.

>As the next memory begins, we see Adora now has both hands on Catra's arm, she's desperately trying to hold on to her bond with Catra and show her desire to fix things between them. Catra doesn't drop her wary demeanor at all, and Adora looks lost and anxious over this as a young Catra runs by.

The memory starts out full of childhood innocence as the two of them play together. When the girls see that the Black Garnet chamber is open, young Adora remarks "we're definitely not allowed in there." Young Catra looks at Adora, seemingly asking if she wants to go in, trusting her. Young Adora runs off, and Catra follows her in. Yes, Catra participates in the decision, but she's not the one who runs towards the chamber, and that's important to what happens next.

A worried (adult) Adora looks to her friend who seems so distant, stoic. Anxiously, Adora tells Catra "You don't have to go in there." Adora knows what happens next is very bad, that this is a hurtful memory for Catra. As an unwavering Catra begins to walk towards the chamber, Adora looks down at Catra's hand. [pic above] She wants desperately to reach out and take it, to hold Catra back from this terrible moment, to tell her she's sorry for messing up. Adora knows now that she screwed up, that she's let Catra down, somehow more than she ever realized. She doesn't know what to do about it… she follows Catra inside.

The young girls explore, Catra touches the black garnet and gets shocked. Adora has second thoughts, she realizes they're trespassing.. but of course, SW returns, so they try to hide. As SW takes off the mask, Adora cries out, taken aback... young Catra looks at her in dismay. She's about to pay for Adora's mistake with a lifetime of suffering. Offended, SW tells them to "Get out!" but rethinks. She puts the mask back on, and decides to use this moment to instead abuse the girls and use the crime of their trespass against them. As SW tells Catra to stay, Adora turns around, seeing that Catra is caught, and she's scared for her friend. She really did make a poor decision, and as a highly empathetic person, what happens to Catra scars Adora, too.

Held powerless by magic, Catra tries to explain that they were just playing. SW's words to her set the stage for a lifetime of physical and psychological abuse: SW leans over her menacingly, telling her "Insolent child, I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well." Again, it's not Catra who decided to go in, so it's really not her fault. SW disparages her and heaps blame upon her for Adora's bad choice, ignoring the truth.

Adora weakly tries to protect Catra, saying "SW, it wasn't her fault. It was my idea too." It's an understandable response, as they're just little kids. Still, Adora could have taken the blame for their trespass, since she led Catra inside. But it's about to get a lot more hurtful for Catra...

SW's voice echoes through Catra's head as she trembles in terror: "You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me. I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand ?" Catra trembles in fear, her eyes unfocused, the room empty but for SW menacing her. She's in a dissociative state, terrified and helpless. I think some people probably feel like this must have been a idle threat, but it isn't: SW abuses Catra many times after this for her mistakes. And the depiction of the dissociative state helps us understand just how damaging it was. While Adora seemingly goes on to not realize the importance of this memory, for Catra it is formative to her entire life.

Again, Adora tries weakly to stop what's happening, putting herself between them. She tells SW "please, stop" then looks over at Catra, full of concern. Running over to SW, she tells her "she didn't mean to". This is so hurtful, as young Catra is very smart. Catra knows Adora has blown it again, after all, what is it that she "didn't mean to" do when it was Adora's idea to trespass? Adora isn't getting the magnitude of the situation, and Catra is very much left to fend for herself.

SW then does a very insidious thing to Adora, a very directed abuse that's meant to work against her personality and empathetic reactions to others pain. She tells her "Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. Do not let something like this happen again..." SW follows this up with years of manipulation to make Adora even more susceptible to abuse. But in this moment, SW again heaps the blame for Adora's mistake onto Catra, who did nothing wrong. For Catra, she comes to believe that what she did doesn't even matter, nobody cares what the truth was. Even Adora. But for Adora, the hurt goes deep as well. She made a bad decision, her friend gets hurt for it, and she never comes clean... instead, she's told she has to do a better job of controlling her friend, and that she has to be perfect so that it doesn't happen again. It's a deep and hurtful moment for Adora, just like it is for Catra. But the hurt is much less direct, and more sneaky. Nonetheless, Adora struggles with this moment, this abuse of her, in the most intimate and painful ways all throughout the series.

Young Catra watches on as SW completes her manipulation of Adora. For Catra, she's left with the feeling that nothing she does matters, she was blamed for something she didn't even do. And Adora seemingly took the easy out, spreading the blame. But she doesn't realize this moment is so insidious for Adora, that it attacks and manipulates her at her emotional need to help others. From this moment on, Adora is afflicted with a desperate fear that she can't protect others, and must lead perfectly so they don't get hurt. This internal conflict erodes Adora's self worth, and causes her great emotional pain throughout the series. Catra, instead, believes she is being told she has no worth, and isn't even allowed to make her own decisions. It's hurtful, and it's part of why she tensed so badly at Adora for trying to tell her what to do earlier. We see this realization cross young Catra's face: she feels forgotten in this moment.

We see the young girls walking away from SW's chamber, Adora with her hand around Catra's shoulder. This comfort is not enough... Catra really needed Adora to stand up for her there, to come clean, and she didn't. Trying to comfort her now seems hollow. As they flash to their present selves, Catra knocks Adora's arm aside in frustration, accusing her of needing to play the hero.

Adora responds, saying she was only trying to protect her. Catra's next words tell the real truth of their childhood: "You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on SW's bad side!" Adora at first chafes at this statement, feeling like she did try to protect her, then crosses over to confusion at the strength of Catra's assertion. Catra is telling Adora she was blind to her pain. She wasn't there for her, and this is very much at the core of Catra's disappointment with Adora: the fact that she never stayed, never tried to understand. Adora let SW control her, make her ambitious, and so Catra was put to the side of that, and over time Adora grew apart from her. Catra’s exact words here are important: she says that Adora ‘plays’ at being the hero, yet always seemingly protected her status as the favorite, never standing up to SW and risking harm onto herself in order to save Catra from pain.

And so, the fact that out of seemingly out of nowhere, Adora decides to risk everything and defect in order to fight for people she doesn't even know, insults Catra. Adora abandons and consequently fights against her own people, leaving Catra behind, unilaterally treating her as an enemy. Never, in their whole lives, did Adora ever fight for Catra, only offering affection afterwards to make up for the cruelties that happened to Catra. So no, Catra doesn't want Adora to save her, or her sympathy, when she seemingly cared so little about her pain. Adora was no hero to her.

Now an obvious question might be: if the manipulation is that Adora is supposed to protect and control Catra, then shouldn't she have had to see SW abuse Catra for it to work? The first part of the answer is that it was never really about that, once the idea was put in Adora’s head, SW used it to manipulate her further into a mentality where Adora would accept praise, promotion on her path to becoming a force captain.

The other is that when someone is being hurt like Catra was in that moment... if the one person in the world who is supposed to get it doesn't get it... then it becomes very hard to ever bring it up to them again. It's a specific type of hurt and abandonment: for Catra, she goes on to believe that this is her burden, that somehow she alone is supposed to learn these hard lessons. And so she doesn't tell Adora about the abuse. Also, keep in mind that they are small children, and Catra doesn't want Adora to hurt like she does... so she's actually protecting her, in her mind. But the fact that time goes by and Adora never seemed to care, to stop and see Catra's pain, was very hurtful to her. And Catra’s feelings of betrayal at Adora’s not seeing the hurt are justified: in episode 1, we see Adora watch SW menace Catra, then happily run off to accept her promotion, only remembering to check on Catra as an afterthought. Catra needed Adora's support, and never really got it.

[pic caption: (left to right) Adora’s apparent willful ignorance of the abuse.]

So Catra believes she learns these hard lessons so Adora won't have to, but is left alone in her pain. This also means that SW specifically abused Catra at times and in places so Adora wouldn't be aware, which again, tells us it was never really about making Adora responsible for Catra's decisions. No, the reasons were much darker, and Catra bore it all alone.

The girls flash to their younger selves, and Catra accuses Adora: "Admit it, you love being her favorite." Catra is telling Adora that she was disappointed and hurt that Adora kept accepting praise and privilege from SW, after that moment when she so clearly should have seen how SW abused her, and the maliciousness of the death threat. In Catra’s mind, Adora could have rejected SW. As painful as it is for a small child to be without any parents, it would have been the right thing to do, for Catra. SW was no good to Catra, and they could have shared the pain of being orphans who only had each other, but instead Catra ended up bearing all of the abuse while Adora was given privilege.

Adora denies this assertion, and yet she did accept the privilege SW offered her. Catra's next words show how ignorant Adora was to the realities of their lives as they flash back to their present selves: "Oh yeah? When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then ?" Catra bore all the abuse and punishment for Adora's leaving, and Adora wasn't there to see it. Catra did this bravely for Adora, in fact, up until before Princesse Prom, Catra did everything she could to cover for Adora, just like she asked, protecting her, hoping she'd come back to her. But Adora shows no understanding at all for what Catra went through, she didn't even think about what must have been happening to her. Adora has never taken the time to think about how her actions affect Catra's life.

Adora counters, suggesting that Catra could leave the Horde, and therefore get away from SW's abuse. Catra just glares back at her, disappointed. Catra knows running from the abuse won't solve anything.

::What this comes down to is a totally different understanding of the world. For Adora, she thinks she became a hero for leaving the Horde, and becoming She-ra. She doesn't realize she was lucky to fall into the situation she did, with Bow and Glimmer helping her gain acceptance and protecting her. She's totally unaware that the reality that her becoming She-ra is a manipulation born out of evil intent. For Catra, she's always known that the world is harsh, and that bad people exist who will try to destroy you. She's not afraid to fight, she's had no choice learning these harsh truths. It's a jaded view that negatively affects her perceptions of people, but it prepares her for the worst, and so she relies on it. So when Adora suggests she run from it, she rejects her as naive. They flash back to their younger selves after Adora suggests Catra can leave like she did, and Catra accusingly points out that she doesn't need to follow Adora around. That they're children is relevant to the previous memory where Adora led Catra into danger, and then didn't protect her. Catra isn't interested in following Adora blindly after she's put her in danger so badly in the past.

Flashing back present selves, Catra tells Adora she doesn't want to leave. As she says this her face conveys her anger at the world, her drive to face SW instead of flee. She says "I'm not afraid of SW anymore, and I'm a better force captain than you ever would have been." Let's take this in parts: Catra won't run from her abuser, she's already planning to take her down. Doing so is important to Catra, as it fixes her world in an important way. And that Adora can't see this just shows how far apart they are now. In Catra's mind, Adora was supposed to stay, and as they rose to power together, they would have supplanted SW, fixing Catra's world. The two of them would have been stronger in the end. But Adora did leave, so Catra impatiently tries to get Adora to see that she won't just run away. If Adora doesn't want to help Catra overcome this evil, then she'll do it on her own.

Her disappointment in Adora for abandoning this fight is apparent, what comes to mind is when Catra calls Adora weak in the Sea Gate episode. And now Catra knows she's got the power to do this, she's a force captain, and if she can just find a reason to depose SW she knows she has the station and fighting ability to take her down. She always knew she could lead, but was happy to let Adora have success because she really didn't want that responsibility. So she points out her superiority, not to show that she's better than Adora, but to tell Adora she was blind to Catra's worth, and to be hurtful to Adora for abandoning her.

They flash back to their child selves: Adora looks at Catra, hurt and confused "You always said you didn't care about things like that." Adora is feeling hurt by the idea that she was unknowingly taking advantage of Catra, because Catra has seemily just told her she was lying.

Now, this next part is important, and it's important that we are seeing Catra's reaction as her child self: Catra looks sad and lonely as Adora finishes her question, and she's crying. Something adult Catra would never let herself do. So we're seeing a much more authentic expression of Catra's hurt and emotions than if it were her present self. What you need to understand here is that those emotions don't really match her words... Catra tells her "Well I was lying, obviously!" But her face says she's angry and hurt at Adora for not seeing her pain.

As she delivers those words her face is full of accusation and insult, she's being dramatic, something we will see Catra do time and time again. She stares down Adora, eyes scrunched up, showing Adora how betrayed she felt by her insensitivity. Then we get sadness, disappointment. Finally, we get a lonely kind of furious sorrow: all that time feeling alone and Adora didn't bother to understand is written on her face.

The tears are still flowing, but as she turns away they shift back to their present selves. Adult Catra looks totally alone, heartbroken.

Ok but how we REALLY know Catra isn't telling the truth is this: almost word for word, this moment exists in episode 1. ANY time you see that happen in this show, you need to look back to find the meaning of it.

>We will need to look in totality of this scene in episode 1: An excited Catra pounces on Adora, asking her what SW said. She sees the badge and takes it. Here's a funny thing, because we see Catra jump on Adora you might think Catra is always like this, she just comes into Adora's space as she pleases. But once Catra has the badge, we see no anger or jealousy. Just total wonder. She shows nothing but exuberation and happiness for Adora's promotion (pic 1, lower left fyi).

Catra knew this could be the turning point she's been waiting for, that Adora was due for promotion. And so she's jumping all over Adora, full of joy. We only see her attitude change once Adora tells her SW isn't letting her go on missions. And so, we can infer a lot of information from this...

Catra expected this moment to change their lives for the better. That Adora's rising in rank means freedom, the beginning of something new. Some many new things, in Catra's case. But Catra definitively shows us in this scene that she doesn't desire the success for herself. She only shows happiness for Adora, for them together, and she's ecstatic. (pic 1, fyi)

This, in Catra's mind, probably means the start of their romantic lives. If Adora is the force captain that brings them to victory, SW won't be able to just trample all over their lives. Catra can begin letting down some walls, maybe even let Adora pursue her romantically. If they're together, and Adora is on her side because of that, she becomes safe from her abuser. It's a much better outcome than trying to fight SW, but that's not how the story goes. No, Adora leaves her instead. How's that for emotional whiplash? All of these truths are laid bare in s3ep5, when we see Catra's perfect reality, when she and Adora are together romantically. Catra only wants to be safe and to be loved, but when Adora leaves her she loses trust in the goodness of Adora, and in people in general.

> Adora tells Catra she shouldn't be surprised she's been cut of of the mission because she's so rude to SW, to which Catra responds by calling Adora a people pleaser, then storming off in anger...

::Note, as this is important: Adora is taking SW’s side, and not Catra’s, which is entirely opposite of their early childhood memory of Octavia. It shows how Adora had started listening to the negative judgements others placed on Catra...

>Adora goes after Catra, finding her sulking on the roof. Catra is angry, betrayed by the world, at the injustice that SW is in her life. Adora asks "I didn't even think you wanted to be a force captain?" Catra tossed the badge at her, saying she doesn't. Then she folds her body up, holding herself. Adora sees this, but doesn't touch her. She's being careful to respect Catra's boundaries. But the anger Catra feels here isn't about being denied the chance to be a force captain, it's at all the hurt that SW has dealt her and continues to do so. And Adora doesn't see that, which disappoints Catra. But, she's unable to verbalize it herself, she is too insecure in her emotional vulnerability, so she lets it slide.

What we have here is two different instances of the same question with two different answers, but in both cases Catra is telling the truth. In episode 1, it's the truth that she doesn't care about being a force captain because of her love for Adora, and the promise, in her mind, that they will eventually be together. In episode 11, Catra then says she lied, and this now is also true: Catra did think about what she was going through, all the pain and sacrifices she made for Adora, which were done in the name of love. But Adora doesn't love her the way that Catra loves Adora, instead leaving her behind. And so now that Adora didn't ever see how excellent a person Catra actually was, how dedicated to her she is, and the pain she was willing to bear for her sake, it does matter. Because that's shitty of her, and so now Catra will survive on her own by her own excellence, her strength that Adora never stopped to see. So Catra is guilting Adora, trying to make her see how blind and unfeeling she is.

>Back to ep11: Catra tries to walk away from Adora, who desperately chases her, trying to understand why Catra is becoming so distant, wanting her to tell her what's wrong. She reaches out for Catra's shoulder in one last attempt to get Catra to talk, she knows touching Catra could maybe get her to be more open. But the truth is Adora has been far too easy on Catra, she needs to be more forceful if she wants Catra to talk, which she later comes to understand... she's been coddling Catra, and so Catra is allowed to wallow in her unhealthy mental states.

Catra takes Adora's hand, forcefully holding it away from her and delivering a hurtful line: "Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the fright zone? I didn't WANT you to come back, Adora!" This hits Adora like a load of bricks, her dismay is evident. And it's all true, which is the sad part. Catra was already preparing to cut ties with Adora, as even by that point she had come to a realization, a decision: if Adora doesn't want to be with her, then she'll do it herself. She will do the hard things on her own.

She turns away from Adora, looking hurt and betrayed. And Adora is at a complete loss, she doesn't know this side of Catra, this part of her that has survived hardship all these years... she lets her leave, not knowing what to do.

Adora is then attacked by the security, which takes up her time. As that happens, we see memories only shown to Catra. Catra runs, emotionally overwhelmed as all the unfair judgements, the abuse, and hollow apologies ring out around her. All the years of frustration and sadness weigh on her, she tries to keep it together, lashing out at the holograms. She falls to her knees, fighting back emotion and trying not to cry, her inner, vulnerable self is near the surface, and she's trying not to break down in tears over all of the hurt she's had to bear...

… and then she hears soft crying...

She turns to see her younger, tiny self, crying. Then, a tiny Adora joins the tiny Catra. Unlike the other memories, Catra never flashes into her younger self, she just watches...

The tiny Adora pulls the blanket down, Catra hisses at her... Adora sits down next to her tenderly. And we finally get the promise, the two parts that Adora has so tragically broke...

Adora tells her "It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you... nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other." The tiny Catra looks at Adora, wanting to trust her, to believe in her. As she says the question, present Catra echos it: "You promise ?" This was a sacred moment that gave Catra hope as a young orphan, that maybe she would be ok.

And so, the present Catra echoes it. Adora tells her she promises, as the skeptical present Catra looks on. Tiny Catra is still sad, insecure... she hugs Adora, needing this. Adora suggests they go back out to play... and we see tiny Catra look at her, still afraid, reluctant, wanting to stay. But she decides to trust Adora, and so they walk out, holding hands. Then something unique happens. Tiny Catra stops to look up at her present self: note, this is entirely a unique moment in the simulation, it never happened in reality... and yet Catra is given this moment...

The innocent child stares up Catra, making her see her. It's a look full of meaning, it doesn't carry any specific emotion... only innocence. Catra is having an inner child moment. That most deep and innocent part of her, her vulnerable self who feels love, is communicating with her. It's asking her to see it's vulnerability, and it's pain. Catra sees this, all of the pain Adora has caused her, the breaking of the promise, the promise that this innocent part of her was holding on to desperately with hope. She is forced to acknowledge Adora's disloyalty to her, her carelessness. Catra is reflecting on how she did her absolute best to keep that promise, even after Adora failed to look out for her in SW's chamber. Catra was so loyal and so good to Adora all of their lives; she made sure Adora had a good life, and she played by SW's rules so Adora could be the chosen one, wanting to protect her. All in the hope that they would be together, and that their love was real. But Adora couldn't even do that much, she left her. And Adora doesn't understand her, she doesn't even seem to miss her.

[pic 9: Broken Promises, Catra’s inner child, The Hero goes Her Own Way].

Present Catra watches her tiny self leave, coming to the tough realization: that she's never been able to trust Adora, not really. Her love isn't reciprocated, not by her standards.

…. which makes Adora a deeply unsafe person to Catra...

Catra survived SW's abuse, learning to believe in herself, protect herself because no one else would. All while keeping this hope of love in her heart, this vulnerable core of herself that has tenderness and loves Adora, and needs love back. But, her need for love goes to such a deep vulnerability that giving in to it and then again being rejected or forgotten by Adora would simply destroy her. SW held the threat of death over Catra’s head her entire life, and Catra resisted it, got through it by being tough and trusting in herself. So now she sees she can't trust Adora: everything that happened since she left her behind, the fact that Adora always treats her as an enemy, that she seems to show no lingering desire for her, and doesn't even seem to miss her while replacing her with new friends, seems to confirm her worst fears. Fears that have been building over the years, starting when Adora broke their promise in SW's chamber, and then as Adora pursued her success while accepting praise and privilege from SW, ignoring the abuse Catra bore because of it. She decides she can't trust Adora. Love is a lie, a weakness. A weakness that could destroy her last bit of individuality, and belief in the world.

And so, Catra, The Survivor, makes the decision... in her mind it's the brave one, just like way back when and she decided to bravely stand up to SW's abuse and not let it destroy her: she will stand up to the threat that is the weakness of her love for Adora. Adora is selfish, she doesn't deserve Catra's love. She was stupid to believe that love was even possible, for someone like her… who has always been ignored, and told she is unworthy of praise or even existence. There's only one thing left for her to do: she will be alone, strong on her own, for herself.

Her gaze hardens... that part of her that has made sure she survived SW's abuse, and made sure she won fights when she was threatened, is now the decider. It will protect her from her vulnerability, and reject Adora for her. I suppose you might be confused as to what I'm referring, or maybe not... If you haven't had to fight for your life, whether physically, mentally, or otherwise, you might not know this side of yourself well. But we all have it, it's The Survivor. And while I knew mine would protect me, I didn't accept it as my real self, I didn't accept its necessary but vicious deeds as my own. This is very much how Catra is, and as the series goes on she puts this survivor in charge of more and more decisions, we watch her deteriorate as this part of her gets out of control, protecting her from darkness with more darkness. All the while her vulnerable inner self suffers, watching the horrible deeds and becoming more and more alone, desperate for affection.

>Adora is outnumbered, eventually ending up hanging from the cliff's edge by spider webs. She hears Catra return, dealing with the spiders. Adora looks up, hopeful because Catra has returned...

Catra saunters in. Let me say a few things before we go through this part: Catra is about to say a lot of things that aren't really true. They are instead meant to be hurtful to Adora, Catra is being intentionally mean. We shouldn't take her exact words as her authentic beliefs, because they're not... no, Catra is doing what she believes she has to so she can be apart for Adora, and be safe from her. The truth is, Catra needs to be away from Adora. She's too scared of the vulnerability that is her love for Adora, because Adora hasn't shown her that she cares. And she can't do that by defecting, no, she must stay with the Horde. It's the only thing she feels there is left for her to do.

Now, let's go through this: and heads up: I'm getting at something very powerful that's going on here that you may not have realized. This speech is, in fact, a heroic moment. A heroic moment... for Catra. Not Adora, for Catra. And you just need to open your ears to hear it...

"Hey Adora."

🎶 is sad

"Catra! Help me, please!"

"This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you... then again, you're special... that's what Shadow Weaver always said..."

🎶 is melancholy

"Catra, what are you doing??"

"Ah, ya know, it all makes sense now... you've always been the one holding me back... you wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak."

🎶 has even tone

"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?"

"Catra that's not how it was.."

🎶 rises, falls, sad (“Promise” begins playing)

*Catra chuckles* "The sad thing is I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde... when really you leaving was the best thing that EVER happened to me..."

🎶 lowers, is dark, is dramatic. -Note: we see Catra seemingly become deranged as she says this line. This is Catra deceiving herself out of perceived necessity.

"I am so much stronger than anyone... ever... thought." *she cuts part of the web*

🎶 begins to rise, uplifting

"I wonder what I could have been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner." *she cuts the rest of the web, Adora falls, catching herself*

🎶 rises, is dramatic

"I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best. Please, don't do this."

🎶 is still rising, uplifting

*Catra stands proudly, nobly, looking at the sword. She looks down at Adora, then she casually tosses the sword past her...

🎶 is rising, hopeful, heroic.

"Bye Adora, I really am going to miss you..."

🎶 is heroic, violins now playing, adding depth

*Catra turns and walks away from Adora, proudly*

🎶 has risen to its height, crests, is heroic.

"Catra... Catra, no!!"

🎶 remains high, cresting, heroic

*Adora cries, sad, confused by Catra's leaving her...*

🎶 crests again, fades out...

Ok, so... let's talk about what just happened here. The undeniable conclusion is that this was meant to be a heroic moment, and a damn heroic moment... for Catra. The writers are telling us that Catra leaving is an important part of her hero’s journey, and that it was the right thing to do. You might be wondering, how can that be? The short answer is, Catra is on a hero’s journey unlike all the other hero’s journeys normally portrayed in fiction. All of it, even her darkest deeds, all her cruelty towards Adora, will be part of a very... important... and powerful... journey. One which will forge her into a hero in this series, in her own incredible right... how this is, what she is, is yet to be revealed... but make no mistake, she's a hero. Just not the one you expect…

We see Adora open her eyes, and see Light Hope. She tells Adora to let go. She means of her emotional attachments, as we find out. Adora cries for her lost Catra, that she couldn't bring her back to her. She lets go...

BIG ASSERTION TIME: Now, I know it's a common theory that these memories were all just an elaborate manipulation by Light Hope to divide the girls from each other, but I don't agree with that. No, I believe this was a memory journey guided by Catra, subconsciously, to help her tell Adora why she couldn't come with her, why she has to be apart.

Take for instance the memories and visions that Adora sees when she's on her way to the Heart of Etheria in season 5: this system exists apart from Light Hope, who dies at the end for season 4. This simulation comes from somewhere more primal: in my belief, it is the deep magic of Etheria being visualized through the First One's tech. We see the simulation show Catra the promise memory, something Adora isn't shown at all, and then allows her to see her inner child's hurt. Something deeper is going on here, and you should consider how strongly the magic of Etheria is resonating with Catra when it does. Because the magic of Etheria will again speak directly to Catra, this isn't the last time... In short, the magic helps the two of them to understand each other, because Catra is an important part of Adora's true She-ra journey.

I also believe that a theme of this series is that abusers, like L. Hope, are not perfect vindictive manipulators. They are flawed, and L. Hope in particular, I believe, is no genius: she fails time and time again. That L. Hope uses the moment to get Adora to let go is her using the moment to her advantage, she didn't play ultimate control over it. She just piggy backed on Catra's hurt to do it. So that last memory really was for Catra... Furthermore, I simply cannot believe L.Hope would understand the concept of the inner child… as she can't even understand sarcasm.

But now, because of this, Adora now knows of Catra's pain... and this is the beginning of Adora's long journey back to Catra, of her repairing their bond…

Let's address the obvious counterpoint: Adora now knows that Catra is hurt, but she doesn't yet understand why. And it's not really her fault, as Catra doesn't know how to talk about her feelings, among other things. But it's apparent that Adora doesn't remember these crucial memories as well as Catra does, even though they were critical in her development as well. Adora is a mess of emotions, just like Catra, and (if) she has ADHD, it might be one reason why she doesn't really get Catra. Especially if her parental figure has been manipulating it against her. Adora very much vibrates between stimuli anxiously, so SW might have made her forgetful by distraction over time. Also, the way in which Adora treats Catra as an enemy when she doesn't accept Adora’s (totally rushed, afterthought, and hollow) ultimatum that she defect with her, is a reflection of Adora's ingrained Horde war training… this is something she has to unlearn, as it is wrong. But Adora is a good person, she really, truely, is, because Adora never stops trying to make it better. And so, she slowly, but surely, comes to understand Catra’s trauma.

We get one last scene of Catra returning to the fright zone. We get to see Catra's truth here: She walks, as if she's not even there, she's deadened by the sorrow and the inevitability of what her life will now be: one of hard work, and zero joy. She will try her best to stand on her own, and put Adora out of her heart, slamming its doors shut against love. It doesn't work, but that's what she's trying to do, nonetheless. This is the beginning of a profound depression that builds over the next 3 seasons, and combined with new traumas, nearly takes her life.

But the tech Catra has brought back will end up giving her what she needs to face down and depose SW, just like she needed...

::Here is another complicated twist that's so essential to She-ra as a series: Catra, in fact, protects Adora by taking down SW. Catra may go on to command the Hordes forces so effectively that it pushes the Princess alliance harder than it's ever been pushed before, but her deposing SW is extremely important in the story. She both removes SW’s ability to attack Adora, and then denies her any sorcerous power by taking the Black Garnet from her, since SW needs an external source to draw power from in order to use her vampiric powers...

Ok so more theory time: it's a common belief that Catra stays with the Horde, and goes on to try to conquer the world out of some deep need to externally validate herself, and to prove she was the better child by beating Adora. I don't think any of these explanations are true. Catra may go on to play such a character on a surface level, but every time she professes to have any such ambitions, she is either in the presence of Adora, or under incredible stress. In the one case, she's saying those things to try to hurt Adora, and make her see how naive and foolish Adora always was, especially now that Adora thinks she can fight against her.

In the other case, it's actually her survivor mechanism trying to take over, to make her world safe. In every case where Catra says something about ambition, somewhere in that scene, Catra shows the distinct emotions of her true inner self: generally, these emotions are sorrow, fear, and loneliness. They don't exist on screen long, they are what is known as micro expressions. (See below for a short discussion of Catra’s micro expressions.)

To put it simply, the only reason Catra stays with the Horde is so she has somewhere she can be separate from her feelings and heartbreak over Adora, and then she climbs the ranks in order to find safety, first from SW, and then Hordak, once he threatens her life with his temper tantrums. That she fights against Adora is just a collateral consequence, she isn't out to get Adora, but nor does she care if Adora gets hurt, because she’s hurt her. Catra does fight against the princesses, though (including She-ra).

A core feature of Catra's character is indeed one of personal power. She's a person who is told to hurry up and die at an early age, but refused to do so. So her arc, her issue, isn't a cautionary tale about chasing validation, it's about her overcoming her fear of vulnerability and allowing herself to rely on others in a way that lets her be safe without needing to combat the darkness with more darkness. But vulnerability scares her because of the abuse she experienced.

As for validation, the only person she would want that from is Adora. This is because Catra believes in herself already: that she has a sacred right to exist, no matter what SW and others may tell her (note: Adora struggles with this, she's actually the one who seeks validation). But, she also needs love, and she is too fearful that Adora doesn't really love her and is afraid of being hurt by that. It's also why I think she's so chaotic towards Adora: her inner child tells her adult self to protect her from her love for Adora, which it tries to do, but that same child misses and needs Adora in so many ways. So she's trying to be mean to compensate for the incredible desire she feels towards Adora. I love it when Adora calls her a brat in season 5, it's such a well deserved line, mmhhmmm.

Actual discussions of how these particulars play out in the show are better left for another time, but there you have it.

Promise sidebar discussions: Catra’s micro expressions; Catra nearly dies at the Battle of Bright Moon

“White Out” microexpression discussion: [see pics below] This is the first time since the Battle of Bright Moon that Catra and Adora meet. So it's a good time to talk about Catra’s micro expressions. Picture 1: Adora says “Hey, Catra” out of the blue and Catra is completely blindsided, she figured she wouldn't be bothered out in the middle of nowhere. She's anxious and unhappy to be seeing Adora. Along with her suspicious absence the episode before in “Roll With It”, the answer is obvious: Catra has been avoiding Adora. She may have cut ties with her in “Promise”, nearly bested her at the Battle of BM, but she doesn't want to see her. She doesn't know what she feels about her.

Picture 2: Enraged monsters are decimating the base, and a battle breaks out over the corrupted disc. Catra is desperately trying to protect it, because she can control Adora if she has it... and she needs this chance to have her back. As Catra reaches to pick it up, she's facing away from everyone and so no one can see her desperation and sadness from missing Adora. (pic 2) Shortly after, we also see her clutch the disc desperately to her chest in a way that's very endearing, right before the monster attacks her and makes her drop it. Then, as she's about to die in its jaws because she doesn't want to give Adora up again, Scorpia breaks the disc and saves her life. We see in this episode as Catra completely loses track of her emotions, and now realizes she has to come to terms with the fact that she's so desperately sad from missing Adora, she was willing to die just for a chance to have her back.

Pic 3: Catra hates working for the Horde. She HATES it. She gets zero joy from the job, and she’s already figured out that Hordak will kill her if she screws up too badly. She didn't want this job, plain and simple, but now feels stuck with it. None of this is the life she wanted. Combining this knowledge against Catra’s declaration to Adora at the end of Promise, we know she's not happy that she had to go her own way...

Catra’s near death experience at the Battle of Bright Moon

At the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra leads Adora (She-ra) away. They battle, but then Catra retreats and instead starts listing out every single worst fear of failure she thinks Adora has. It's a dark moment, she's acting much like SW did to them as children, and we watch her manipulation take root in Adora. Finally, her words are too much, and as Catra looks down at Adora's (She-ra's) back, we see Adora become deranged, overcome with her fear of failing everyone... (pic1, above) she picks up a boulder and throws it directly at Catra. Catra is knocked flying, and only by the barest of margins does she keep from falling to her death. Adora nearly kills Catra. And so, as Adora drags Catra up from the cliff and slams her into the wall, we see a totally heartbroken and emotionally crushed Catra. In this moment, Catra believes all of her worst fears are confirmed: Adora only cares about being She-ra, so much so that Adora would kill her in the name of being that hero. Catra uses this moment, this belief, to justify her division from Adora. Sadly, she's wrong... she's ignoring the seriousness of the threat that the battle poses, and as Adora was facing away from her during that moment, she doesn't see the terror and desperation Adora experiences due to her cruel words…

Oh, and one more thing before we go: when Catra says “What, did you really think this was about you ?” SPOILER ALERT: It was. Because She-ra is one big Catradora story… and we love it.

As always, thanks for reading. <3

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

[bread-tab]

a post crossed my dash earlier today complaining about people being "weird" and "offputting" in replies/reblogs/etc.

speaking as an autistic person with social anxiety: please, for the love of sanity, say what behaviors you find weird or offputting.

like, most people who are offputting are not doing that intentionally! yeah, there are always jerks and edgelords who test/break boundaries on purpose. they are not the majority. most weirdos are just fucking awkward. and that can happen to anyone who's in the wrong social situation at the wrong time, regardless of their intentions.

the people who are saying offputting things on your posts have no way of knowing what you consider offputting unless they personally know you. manners and mores vary wildly across cultures and subcultures, and the internet is a complicated ridiculous grey area of global interaction and microcultures. what's okay in your friend group is a major no-no in someone else's. so, while social expectations can be inferred to some degree from context, they are never universal.

if you want your boundaries respected, it's on you to communicate them clearly. if someone still breaks them after that, then you know they're either misunderstanding or being an asshole on purpose and can respond appropriately.

if you're just vaguing about feeling creeped out it's not going to change anything.

i'm not mad at the op of the post i saw today or anyone else who has said this kind of thing. it's a reasonable thing to vent about. i'm just frustrated because i've seen this kind of vagueposting a hundred times and it triggers my anxiety, as someone who is awkward by nature and constantly going out of my way to set others at ease. (i have to remind myself there's nothing actionable there except perhaps offering sympathy to the person feeling annoyed or creeped out. there's often no way of telling what they're experiencing without starting an actual in-depth conversation and that's not always something i can or should do.)

so.

be bolder about your boundaries.

state them clearly. if people break them, act on whatever consequences you have decided are appropriate; talk about the problem with your friends or other people in your support system/communities (parents, therapists, school authorities, online moderators), explain your grievances assertively to the person who stepped out of line, cut off communication and block and report them, etc.

i'm saying this more toward people experiencing annoying interactions, not serious harassment. but also, you need to know and protect your own boundaries so that you can tell the difference between those things!

i've seen people calling actual dangerous behaviors like stalking "being weird." i've also seen a lot of people calling it intentional harassment when someone they don't get along with is just existing in the same space, whether it's because of prejudice, conflicting needs (e.g. someone with a service dog vs someone with a dog allergy), or simply a personality clash.

my point here isn't to victim-blame. it's hard to be assertive! it's hard to know whether or not you're being harassed or otherwise mistreated! it's hard to balance your own needs with those of the people around you. it's hard to know what you want and what you need and put that into words. but in all of these things it's so important to try anyway.

you deserve to be listened to and treated with compassion. speaking up for yourself is the first step. even if you are still treated unjustly, do it for you: claim your agency.

(also note: you can communicate through actions and you aren't always obligated to add anything else to it. e.g., on social media, you can block people without explaining anything to them (or anyone else) about why. the important thing is, you are acting decisively to enforce healthy boundaries. that's constructive. you don't ever need to apologize for that!)

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.