bunnypopgal

[bunnypopgal]

What does the future hold for me? Goals & Ambitions

Hello! Another day has started and I'm doing pretty alright today so far. I think I would like to discuss a bit about my future goals and dreams as well as what I want to come from this blog in more hopefully clear detail.

Let's start with the blog part! I originally made this blog a few years ago when I was still being hurt by many people around me. I would often write a whole bunch in diaries growing up as a way to help me find the joy in the small things. I'm aware I'm a very odd case of both CPTSD and just in personality. I have been told I am a very resilient and strong person not only for still standing here afterwards but for still being myself after it all. I am a very bubbly, sunshiney person generally. I do believe myself to be a very self aware person with a high emotional intelligence. Don't worry I didn't reach this conclusion on my own as some weird reflection of narcissism from what I've been through. Honestly it's only been a few months that I've been able to say that about myself and truly believe it. I’ve had therapists, LD professionals, teachers, random adults tell me that my whole life and it still took my partner the entire time up till now he has known me (almost 2 years) of hours long conversations to convince me. Building such confidence is a tad scary for me since I’m terrified of acting like my narcissistic biological mother (whom I call my egg donor normally). Also I hope this came out correctly as me just being proud of myself and not anything malicious! So all that to say I hope I can do some good to share about my healing journey! I also would love to share my thoughts here as well and share the joys of everyday normal life even after years of trauma.

Personal life goals! As mentioned before in this post and my last few I do indeed have a wonderful, most lovely partner! We are currently in a long distance relationship. We’re both from neighbouring countries to one another and we have plans to get engaged so I can move in with him. We don’t want to actually get married until we’re a bit older than we are now so we feel no true rush on the marriage part. Currently we’re just enjoying life and saving money as much as we can. We hope to one day have kids as well even though that’s super far from now we still have a list of baby names. 

On a sad note though is I don’t actually have any other people I’m close with other than him. I don’t go out much (mainly due to being broke) and I don’t really put myself out there even if I knew where to put myself in the first place. I would love to meet some gal pals who would not only want to sing barbie movie songs with me as lifelong best friends but also be my bridesmaids. Of course while I do have lots of time I do feel likely that I’ll get married without having a bachelorette party or any bridesmaids. For now I try not to think about it much since I am still so young and would only really plan to come back to my country to visit my Father’s, my grandparents’ and my great grandparents’ graves. I’m pretty disillusioned with the state of my country currently so I am very excited to leave.

Career future! Since my partner and I currently have to save a lot of money and just life in general being that much more expensive I’ve been trying to get a part time job. I’m pretty scared since advocating for support needs around where I live just gets you fired and I don’t have time, money nor the heart for lawyer stuff. I’m becoming more confident and honestly just more prepared to act as normal as humanly possible while having hallucinations. Sadly I still have no idea what triggers my hallucinations so it’s still very much a guessing game for me. I applied to a bunch of openings at a fast food place all around my town so hopefully they’ll reach out to me soon. 

What was I doing before, you say? Well I was working on my craft which is a bit embarrassing for me to admit honestly. I’ve been trying to improve my art so I can do a whole bunch of things. My biggest dream goal is publishing my magical girl comic book series! Which I’ve also been writing for as well during this time. I also plan to start streaming as a PNGtuber, making youtube, tiktok videos and doing art commissions which I’ve also been working on during that time as well. Drawing is hard but at least nowadays I feel my work looks nice to general audiences I think, I hope. I’m not sure if I will link any of my future work or social media here on this blog but just know if you see a magical girl comic making it big with it’s amazing art and storytelling made for an early 20’s adulthood audience from a singular female author and artist- yeah, that’s my work. If anything I know my magical girl series is gonna be adored in the girl centric media. Think Buffy the Vampire Slayer(the spinoff Angel too) meets 2000’s Barbie movies aesthetics, with Winx Club, Supernatural AND Charmed influences too! I’m so excited! This will be a very long running series so I am currently writing LOTS of lore to work with for a LONG time. Oh and yes there’s gonna be LOTS of amazing fashion that I hope will be timeless!

I am very hopeful and very sure of myself and that things will work out because I will make sure of it! I hold my power and my dreams WILL come true! That’s all from me for today! Don’t forget to brush your teeth and drink water today! Laters!

[bunnypopgal]

Morality Bites

Since my last post ive been having to deal with of course more flashbacks with panic attacks that last longer than i think should be possible in humans. Most of the flashbacks are from back when i was in high school. i had to deal with a lot of homophobia and just a lot of overall bullying from my dear classmates.

Like when i would ask one of my nice classmates to tell me more about his old tech collection my other classmates ran around telling each other that i was bullying him and calling him names. Every time he would stand up to them when they tried to "comfort" him (they just wanted to talk shit about me to anyone). That was super out of his comfort zone and im still very grateful for both him telling me what was going on and him standing up for honestly the both of us. This kinda thing would happen a lot and i mean a lot. So much so that even the super quiet kids in school began to openly insult me about things i would never do. Then i would go home and get treated the same by my biological mother. I hate being "back" in that place in my life. No matter how much i would stand up for myself everything would be twisted against me over and over again so much that people would often just assume most if not all those things about me had to be the real truth. To be fair i think it didnt help i never explained my morals set fully. i never thought to at the time and now im not sure if it wouldve even changed anything at all. Everything i believe in my moral set is pretty understandable but im not sure how it looks to others looking back. my moral set is mine tho. i never would force ANYONE to adhere to it just because they dont live the same way but i would tell them i disapprove, why and that if we dont see eye to eye on this THATS FINE(depending) BUUUT that also meanings i would rather not be close/friends anymore and just be more polite acquaintances(now that im adult i can tell people to fuck off nowadays! yahoo!!)

heres the large bulk of my moral set:

i am against discrimination based on sexuality, gender, ethnicity, heritage, and non-hateful religious followers. 

i am against child abuse, child neglect, DV, SA and theres NO excuse for any of it. Monsters who do these acts are monsters and theres no going back from that.

i am against cruelty, excessive) selfishness + selflessness(these things must be in a good balance), bullying, cheating, lying (unless its a life or death situation), people refusing self-improvement/growth, being disingenuous/fake.

Kindness is a gift. Be kind, be understanding but be rational because there will always be people who want to abuse others' kindness.Its a gift you have to give to YOURSELF first so that you will also have enough to be able to share with others. Being kind includes setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive and clear, letting yourself BE HUMAN.

If you see a chance to help someone no matter how small it may seem at first it DOES matter. 

When you make a mistake you do your best to right your wrong because youre yourself during your best and your worst times so make sure you can be proud of yourself even in the worst times. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn- take them!!! 

Life is short but also long- keeping/finding good mental health is a must, being able to be yourself is a must- never live a lie, you want something you work for it- passion is a wonderful tool, surround yourself with like-minded people but don't be afraid to be open to others- you may learn something new!

im only 23 rn but i feel ive learned a lot in my lifetime and im also know i have so much more ahead of me. i know some of these maybe hard for other people and it may feel lonely at times but for me thats okie. i dont preach or force these things on other people, mind you. i believe if someone truly wants to change, grow into living with this kinda moral set and sticking to it they need to find their reasons themselves. we're all on our own journeys.

Anyways most of my life i have found everyone around me has often just expected the worst of me in every situation and treated me as if i am evil in human form no matter what was proven. i dont live to make others like me so i do my best to stand up for myself but if they dont believe me or not care enough to think of me even neutrally now- thats fine with me. i just dont want to be treated poorly. i will never understand excessive cruelty that has been done to me. i dont know what they tell themselves at night to justify it all. it makes me feel scared since i feel like if any of them got the chance to be cruel to me once again none of them would flinch to do so. i understand i maybe cringe and annoying but i like myself, who i am and who i am always working on growing to be. im not gonna change for people who dont care about me as even a fellow human. i just wish and hope they ever hear or see my name or face anywhere its because my comic im currently working on made it big!

Before i close this post off i would like to say i understand my demeanour and overall hopefulness maybe seen like just plain ol' naivety and ill be honest maybe it is but i am passionate and i am determined to never give up, to use this life for all its got and do my part to make the world even just a little kinder. If that makes me seem stupid to you then i wonder what does "stupid" even mean to you.

"There's a difference only you can make." - Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses

[bunnypopgal]

Hello. It's been a few years since i made this blog and made my first post. I now deleted my first post bc i found it to be cringe and honestly really painful. i have grown a lot in these past years and have seemingly beat my hallucinations for now. i know that will most likely come back prob once i become a mother one day but i feel more prepared to beat them again.

Other than that i dumped and got dump by two partners, made and lost almost all my friends besides one. dont judge by like im sure many of us are im a sucker for the friends turned lovers trope and well ive been dating my best friend for almost going 2 years now. he has been super accepting, a wonderful partner and my biggest support thru it all so far. hes my only support system honestly.

i am deeply scared to make friends again after what my last friend did to me.. for years and i just let her. i cant really blame it on having low self worth either since i honestly really like myself and who i am but more so i didnt know HOW to be treated by others. let me be clear NOT how I treat others, no-no but HOW others SHOULD treat ME. isnt that nuts? you think that would be something we just have inside of us as humans (or otherwise) that we would just KNOW that. i dont FEEL like a doormat either but maybe i am. not with everyone, mind you. just like people ive grown to have developed a trusting bond in with respect packed in there like a mozzie stick, yum, ya know? i love em like chosen family and youre gonna body shame me for not being short for a woman, like what? you think i wouldve picked it out asap that chick SCREAMED pick me but i also saw her good qualities too which is why i wanted to be friends with her... i trusted her a lot. Oh well tho.

As much as it still hurts sometimes the fear is still there. i, as a woman also fear other woman. i know, i know. there is so many other wonderful women out there who would never treat me so badly but my brain is gone broken from so many traumatizing events over and over again. it irrational, i know it. its also isolating. i dont go out much at all but honestly blame the economy for that. i plan to be getting a part time job soon which you can also blame the economy for haha but also i want to meet people and have some kinda structure in my life again. hoping for friends right now is something im maybe not ready for honestly i think ill just start with talking to people again and let that be that. i hope to get some kind of a cleaning job so it will be a little to no talking to people depending on where im set up.

im just kinda scared to open myself up again to other people. online of course is different mainly besides the usual explanation but also for me, the internet is a black hole where NO ONE see the crap i shit out which includes my art i make sadly. i dont really try all like hard to make people see it anyways. i am still scared of people after all.

anyways today i have plans to hang out with my partner before he has to go to work. im hoping we can play palworld together again hehe. Other than that its house chores and back to drawing for me today. i just came out of another depressive episode recently so i have a few great messes to clean up. its a good thing i like cleaning, ya know when i dont feel like i wanna disappear. what can i say, its genetic. thanks, dad haha.

im planning to get back into my old hobbies too like live streaming. ive been live streaming all over the internet off and on since i was maybe 14. im 23 now so 10 years!!! WOWIE!! when i was growing up my family would joke around saying i need my own reality show haha. i do have a huge personality, ig but thats something im very comfortable and like about myself. bold and funny, i think!! streaming is a super relaxing thing to me. i talk to myself anyways and i always have. you dont stay this "sane" without talking to yourself to fight off the loneliness haha.

that reminds me recently my partner told me he found me to be a "increaser of morale, an inspiring person, you're motivating and you make being emotionally positive SO EASY." im still so stunned and very very VERY flattered he told me that! even if its not true im glad he feels that way bc thats a nice way to be. hes very very sweet to me.

well i could write forever right now honestly but i should probably go drink enough water to take out a house fire so i dont die of dehydration.

oh, if only. (JOKING)