#i still feel like maybe theyre upset with me?
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i would like to say my ideal PJO adaptation (if i was being physically forced against my will to have to pick a live action adaptation over an animated one for some reason) would be a combo like writing of the musical + casting of the show + visuals of the movies
BUT the show actually does have the playwright for the musical as one of the major writers for like three episodes and that did nothing for it. so...
#pjo#riordanverse#pjo tv crit#i do love the casting for the musical lots and lots though#it was really good#i do also have some nitpicks for show casting but they're largely inconsequential#like majority i very much enjoy and think are cast well#i only have one i'd say im actually disappointed with and that's Poseidon. idk he just feels. bland??? does that make sense?#like idk maybe it's the costuming but im not getting Sea God *or* Fishing Dad from him#like i think i kinda see what they were going for and i saw some gifs of him in another show where he plays a pirate and its like#okay. *little* bit better. but idk im just not getting Poseidon from it#in general most of the immortals in the show dont feel very Immortal(tm) but thats definitely mostly just the writing/show itself#not any reflection of the casting#my only other two are i would have liked plus sized Clarisse. i am VERY sad we didnt get that#Dior is a VERY good Clarisse though so i'm not too upset about it. i like her Clarisse energy. the yelling is fantastic.#my most controversial pjo tv take is im still meh on Walker. like he's fine. but like he's kind of Just Fine to me so far#its probably mostly the writing being bad but he hasnt grown on me as Percy yet. i can tell he has the energy though in interviews n stuff#and the main trio dynamic in interviews and stuff is *very* good. i just wish the show writing was better#because the casting IS very good but they have so little to work with. you can really tell theyre trying their best#i like to joke the show would be better if they just set the cast loose in the woods doing in-character improv#like its clear basically all of them know their characters SUPER well. id watch 8 episodes of in the woods pjo cosplay improv.
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Me patiently waiting for a way to make comics about the shitty things that happened in 2020-2023 but unsure of how to go about it in a way that will make me feel better smh
#like-#ugh#it all seems rrally stupid and blown out of proportion when i think about it too long#and then when i DO talk about it with other people who were there#theyre like ' yeah that was shitty' but what if my perspective is skewing their idea#idk#I also worry that my memories are new skewed by other people's perspectives#its like a whole thing#and its not like im upset by these things in a way that is actively hurting me#but i am retroactively realizing it was kinda bad????#idk maybe if i make comics about it someone will be like ' yeah that IS really shitty' but#i still dont know if that will be a warped version of what happened#the point is shit happened and i cant make art about it cause what if it really wasnt that bad#i think im just mad cause that person is currently having a great fucking time#and not feeling any regrets about anything#and overall just not facing the consequences of their actions#against me or the people that they hurt way worse than me#like theyre just gonna get away with being a shitty fucking person#anyway#this is not directed at anyone here btw this person ( hopefully ) can't see this#also damn i kmow for a fact that not being able to trust my memories and perspective is partially because of all this#smfh#its really not that serious but unfortunately it did effect me haha
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not going to lie i do find it quite upsetting that so many ppl think that animals that arent immediately relatable to humans are completely incapable of thought or feeling. and thats the only thing that matters when it comes to animal rights arguments a lot of the time
#like the take of ohhhh Well this animal is smart and shows emotions!!! it might even be smarter than humans!!!#as if that matters literally at all#like the argument abt fish or hamsters or w/e being stupid (wrong) so it doesnt matterrrrr if they dont get cared for properly#as if its ever ok to mistreat animals.#in general the idea around smaller or less relatable animals being worth less is super frustrating#like if u post abt microwaving ur hamster when u were 6 everyones like ‘lmaoooo i did the same thing’#but if u posted that abt a dog….? The Gallows#we shouldnt have to care abt mistreatment of animals bc theyre cute or funny or smart#i just watched blackfish again and it annoyed me how much ppl were arguing abt the orcas being so smart and emotional etc#which is true. but thats just smth that makes their captivity harder. u jnow. like if they were simple and had simple needs it would still#be wrong if they werent met#its just such a huge issue bc of how hard the needs are to meet in captivity#same as like. bears and shit. you physically cannot give them enough territory to stop them going insane#ik theres ppl who believe All captivity is wrong#like my strpmum is one who believes nobody should own Any pet#which is. Imo a stupid argument and not at all sustainable. ppl need companions thats why weve had dogs and cats for thousnads of years#but also they are such successful pets bc their needs are so easy to meet!!!!!#its this misconception that fish or rodents are Easy Beginners pets… in reality they are 100x harder. but their lives are worth less to ppl#bc they dont show love the same way#well. anyways im not very good at expressing my thoughts abt serious stuff#but its smth that rlly upsets me#its frustrating too bc ppl either dgaf abt animals aside from Maybe the cute ones or r too extreme in advocating for the freedom of animals#like u can absolutely give indoor cats proper enrichment. its just slightly more effort#and its not as simple as just. emptyinb out the zoos. READ ABT KEIKO!!!!!#i feel its a very interesting topic. but ppl r very b/w on it#idk i feel the majority of ppl know so little abt animals its like. impossible to get thru#like ok cool u think zoos r bad bc the lions get saddddd. but u also think snakes and bugs and rodents are nothing but disease spreaders#and cant also have complex lives#Tsk. Whateevr
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i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.
#lee text#genshins#i can acknowledge how gay they are without liking thr ship#flashback to several kavetham/haikaveh (whatevwr their ship name is) shippers on here attacking me over not liking the ship#trying to “educate” me on why theyre sk gay and why i should ship it#look i didnt say they arent gay af. and these shippers dismissed my feelings completely#i think it was after that one event with the competition thing that kaveh won? idk but just they way they interacted#the way alhaitham talked to kaveh and the way kaveh responded TRIGGERED A TRAUMA RESPONSE IN ME#which made me dislike the ship and their dynamic! i didnt CARE if he was well meaning. the way he talked to kaveh#triggered a fight or flight response in me because it sounded similar to how ive been talked to and kaveh getting upset was similar to#how ive reacted to the same words. you can also argue my family cares about me like alhaitham does kaveh and its how he helps#but it doesnt mean its the kind of help we need and it doenst traumatize us lmao#so i dont get why people were so angry at me for getting triggered by this ship and disliking it for that reason#while i can still admit that they are gay af and seem to get a long a bit better after that and i can tolerate them now#since its been a while and i dont remember it enough to have a trauma response when seeing them anymore lmao#but its just annoying that shippers can be so toxic 💀 they care more about their fictional men ship than me. a real person. weird#not tagging the ship so i dont get more angry shippers in my notes....but they found me last time with no tags so hi. dont yell at me again!#but maybe no one will care since im putting my “anti ship propaganda” in the tags this time and not the main post lmao#just dont read my tags so you dont get mad at me for being uncomfortable by this ship dynamic. but if youre reading this...its too late#leave me alone they arent real and i am so im more important right 😅#let me shame the shippers that dismissed my real feelings because they think their ship is more important than a real person lmao#you cant tell me im wrong when a trauma response isnt a choice and happens against your will 💀#BE ASHAMED YOU NERDS#I WILL BITE YOUR KNEECAPS#sorry i just had to vent lmao
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kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it
#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you#youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying#and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away#like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right?#like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine#peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that#in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids#by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to#which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering#things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much#idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it#like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch#so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling#like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right?#and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression#bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad#and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn#so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference#idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough#just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more
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Honestly the roleplay blogs are stronger than I am because if I saw a post where people were saying my blog was annoying and calling me corny I would jump in a large pit and rot away
#I don't think I should tag this one#Okay I've typed my emotions out. For a more normal way to put it: While it makes sense to be upset#best move. I'm sure the blogs in question would be happier if you just told them about the roleplay guidelines than if you made a post#where multiple people call them annoying. Like can you imagine if someone said that about a writing blog#'So sick of x reader fics in the tag I don't want to see that and they're all so out of character' What a dick move.#It is a different case with rp blogs I'll give you that. But I think the principle of the matter stands#unless it doesn't and everything I said is stupid#original ramble below I was so mad for some reason. im not mad at anyone really. everyone is cool. love you guys#I get why people are unhappy that theyre clogging up the tags#like despiar dev said not to and people want to see content of despiar thyme not just ask blogs#I saw someone say they just blocked them and like. I get why. however. people do not know everything#but my brother in Christ you're not helping the matter!!!!!!!!1 send them a screenshot of what despiar dev said!!!!help other people!!!!!!!#just politely tell them instead of weirdly vague posting it helps everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe they just don't know#misspelling the tags so no one finds this post. I will actually be so pissed if people find this and r upset#Oh I'm sorry THIS is the post you're noticing? You have followed me for over six months and you haven't said anything about any other negat#negative feelings i've expressed. I see how it is#I wish the drdt confessions account was still open but whatever fucking whatever#sui mention#personal vent#whatever I guess
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chainsaw man makes you think its a sick action anime where a horny guy made of chainsaws murders a bunch of guys and gets a sorta fucked up found family along the way, but then you watch it and its actually about a 15 year old boy getting groomed and everybody hates everyone else but theyre mostly busy hating themselves and then everyone dies
#csm spoilers#chainsaw man spoilers#they introduce like 8 characters in one episode and then kill them like two episodes later#half the characters in the intro dont show up until yhe very last episode and they all get like one line apiece#not eyepatch finding out denji is a minor and then STILL TRYING TO SLEEP WITH HIM???#'i didnt take advantage of you last night right? oh good i totally wouldve gone to jail'#HELLO????? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF????????#ik anime is like that but i still just couldnt stomach the show after that#she died like 5 minutes later tho so it was fine#you lied to me i was promised found family#and i got a bunch of fucked up teens who need therapy but instead get groomed#feel bad show of the year#i get its not supposed to make you feel good by the end#and maybe its really effective for that#but i was upset by the wrong things i think#i didnt care when any of the characters died because they had just been introduced like one episode agu#i didnt even remember any of their names#honestly not a good show#ive never liked mappas stuff#theyre allergic to filler and thats their proboem#they dont take the time to make me care about the characters before they kill them#tl;dr i didnt like it#chainsaw man#csm
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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can my job PLEASE hire more people oh my godddd i'm so tired of them calling me asking me to come in early, or calling me asking me to come in on my days off 🧍♀️like why even make a schedule then‼️‼️‼️
#i get that people call in sick sometimes but this has happened i think every week since i've been hired...#usually i say yes when they ask me to come in early but. not today. i literally picked up a shift on my day off yesterday leave me alone 😭#i could tell theyre upset but like. YOU SAID 5. SO MAYBE I HAVE PLANS UNTIL 5. (if working on selfship stuff counts as plans then i do)#i don't hate it there (still makes me feel stupid a lot but it's manageable) but it's just exhausting as an introvert. even part time...#and being employed does NOT!!!! help with my nihilism and depression like i thought it would 💀 in fact it has become much worse 😀👍#i guess my socializing is getting a little better at least. but also idrgaf about that 💀#vent tw#caitiechat
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give me more horrorkiller content i say as i proceed to post solely about full mtt/mttpoly. i cant I CANT i cant just SOLELY post about one of the duos...... i cant JUST post about 2/3 of them it upsets me. everything MUST be in a trio of else i merge into my bed and rip my skin off when i try to get up
#it physically upsets me when i make 2/3 mtt content#i literally feel EMPTY like.... THIS IS NOT COMPLETE!!!! THEYRE NOT COMPLETE!!!! I NEED THE THIRD OF THE SET OF THREE DOLLS!!!!!!#maybe its just because i have a tendency to want completed things. royale high back in the day was terrible for me the collector#me at miniso opening blindboxes until i get the very specific 3 that represent the mtt idc how much it costs#i just choked on spit while typing this thats how i know that mtt content without the third is a curse#even if i did make just solely a horrorkiller post id just bring dust up in tags 😭😭😭 it would just end up being mtt poly in the end anyways#horrordust but i physically cant resist the urge to type out killer in tags#the dynamic just doesnt feel complete and im being so fucking serious about this#there is something MISSING from horrordust. horrorkiller. kist. something very wrong missing#the ship hits because its mtt but it doesnt feel SATISFYING without all three#i just cant explain it but there is an inexplicable whole in my soul that cannot be filled unless its with full trio#like just..... theres an aspect to the perfect group that each of the trio satisfies#this is absolutely an old thought but one that will never leave my mind#when youve become so inlove with the mtt that you simply like the concept of three now on its own and cant fathom one or god forbid TWO#3 is my favorite number now..... bc of mtt....... ermmmm...........#orange is my favorite BUT like.... red blue and purple as a group are tied for it in my heart#a lot of my favorite things have shifted because of the mtt#so when you (me) ask me to do anything BUT in threes i ask you......................... do you want me to kill mysel#i pat my dog 3 times on the head to signal im done petting her#ive trained my hands to be able to shuffle between ✌️🤘🤙 on instinct now. its routine#god i make everything about the mtt its not even funny. only true mtt fans have made a song cover singing as them#i demoted myself to number 3 fan in my bio during my little mental break i had a couple days ago#but 3 is still high for the sheer amount of mtt fans that they are so i really dont care..... someone else can have spot 1 and 2 but 3#tricule rant
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a recent encounter in the wild of a person i used to be friends in primary school, really made me think about how much has changed since then. because that friend is the same as i remember them, in the best meaning of that sentence, and im just. well💀
#delete later#shut up kody#i used to be the most outgoing kid you could imagine. probably twice as annoying..............or thrice#supposedly i had no shame to just come up to someone and boom. an instant friend#probably half of my primary school knew me and my mum. random kids would come up to her just like that#(she likes to recall that. i think she sometimes misses that kid too)#anwyay its so surreal to think about now#because current me and past me????nah. thats two completely different people lol💀#and that friend tried to be so nice. they were like#'oh we can go to that one hangout spot u used to really like'#and i do not remember having a favourite hangout spot. or any spot. primary school is a big fat blank for me memeries wise#she suggested bringing our old field hockey team together for a match#didnt really want to so instead of being mature about it. i blatently lied that i couldnt play anymore#didnt even bat an eye#anyway so rn. the idea of being that outgoing sounds like a nightmare tbh lol#and feels so distant too ig#so on one hand its so bittersweet#and on the other. its almost upsetting to be reminded. so vividly. of the life i could have had if i didnt grow up to be like i am#because that old friend is still the same. living their best life#theyre still the same and im. well. im not#and sure#maybe thats okay#cause we all evolve and grow in different ways blah blah blah#but i dont think i like being reminded of who i used to be#i dont think i like that at all
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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i looove probably having bpd and at the very least separation anxiety
i looove having nightmares about having breakdowns and physical violence just to wake up crying, unable to fall back asleep and when i finally manage sleep i still wake up after about an hour, knowing i'll be stuck in that sleepless loop till i give up, all just because they're unexpectedly gone
i looove having motivation to do things to improve my future when i'm with them, and being suicidal as soon as they're unexpectedly gone
why is it too much to ask just to be told when they'll be gone? why do i get punished for having feelings? why am i never good enough for them?
#moth having a bad time#a while ago now‚ they freaked out because they saw i told someone i always felt like i was walking on eggshells around them#like. well yeah maybe if you didn't leave me every time i wasn't perfect maybe i would feel more comfortable talking to you#maybe if you didn't do things you're fully aware causes me breakdowns every time i upset you‚ maybe just Maybe i wouldn't be scared of you#they literally terrified me into not showing them my issues#they don't see my anger issues and splitting anymore because the punishment terrified me out of it#i didn't actually get better. i'm just so terrified of doing anything that would make them leave me#i wrote a poem about this‚ about breaking all my bones for them and them still not being satisfied#see: misery meat by sodikken. me severely. see: people eater by sodikken. what they look like from my perspective#i used to be the people eater in my last relationship. it's funny how the roles reverse. i now see myself so much in the person i was with#it's scary#i'm tired. gonna try to sleep again. it's funny i have no sleep issues that i didn't choose (i.e. my sleep routine is shit but i chose that)#EXCEPT. for when theyre unexpectedly gone. i recently had 3 nightmares in 13 minutes about them‚ waking up after each one#i've struggled with insomnia twice in my life. oh and every time they're unexpectedly gone#most of those nights i wake up more than once every hour
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the guilt complexes i have are actually insane
#like when i was a kid. maybe 3 or 4. me and my family took a trip to this place and i saw a toy i really wanted#so i asked my mom can i have it and she said no. it was probably too expensive. i cant remember if i understood this or not but#i got very upset and threw a tantrum or whatever. my parents got me some other toy less expensive but i said i hated it#and i wanted the other one#now. i was 3 or 4. very young. children throw tantrums all the time. and for a kid i wasnt very loud either so this was an isolated incident#if any other kid did this i would be like damn. but its not their fault theyre still learning to regulate their emotions!!#most people wouldnt even remember something this stupid#but FOR SOME DUMB FUCKING REASON. i still feel guilty over this?? i still feel like a selfish brat???#like i apologized a million times to my mom that day and even days after. and by now shes probably forgot all about it#i didnt really do anything wrong. logically i know all of this but for some reason i still feel ashamed typing this?#ive done things i actually should be guilty about but COME ON this is so ridiculous why am i hung up on it. my brain. u cannot be serious rn#ok whatever anyway#aricouldyounot
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> be me
> never send asks bc im scared ill mess something up
> type up lots of asks but never end up sending them
> finally type up an ask i feel like i can send
> check over it a dozen times to make sure im not missing anything
> send
> didn't actually read urls right
> sent ask to wrong person entirely
> mfw
#ik theres supposed to be a picture if they put mfw just use ur imagination#maybe that one meme of the guy in the blue shirt smoking looking super resigned#its good its fun like its a small thing so im not upset upset but it is def frustrating that this kinda thing always happens to me#i already know i check and recheck things excessively its one of the reasons im like 99% sure i have ocd#but i still. always miss something big and obvious#not specifically with asks just in general things i spend forever going over to make sure theyre perfect always end#up having something glaringly wrong with it that i just somehow didn't process at all#it gets frustrating cause it starts to feel like no matter how hard i check itll never be enough but also that can't be true#because i almost never see this kinda thing happening to everyone else‚ people just Send Asks without having to spend an hour agonizing#over it and nothing ends up being wrong with it. so clearly they're doing /something/ to be able to notice that stuff and im just.#not doing that thing. but i dont know what else i could do it's always something i never even thought to consider#it's like the whole 'expect the unexpected' thing‚ something truly unexpected will be something i. cant think of#so how am is supposed to think it ahead of time#so yeah its. hard#im tryin to stay positive esp bc i know this really was a minor funny one not an actual Problem i caused but#s just a little hard sometimes when it feels like my brain wont cooperate with my no matter how hard i try to think
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woke up from a lovely nightmare that could hav been my reality in HIGHSCHOOL it's making me wanna genuinely hurt myself bc I can't get these stupid fucking thoughts out of my brain and i wanna cry scream throw up
#I need a therapist!!!!!#I still feel so hopeless and idk maybe suicidal?? i cant properly tell i think im just manic and all over the place#i had a nightmare that my gf left me for some asshole she had a thing with and i woke up and immediately started hitting myself bc im stupid#i just wanna be able to talk to one specific person but theyre gone forever they were my favorite boy#i miss my friend im so upset hes fucking dead and i cant ever speak to him again#my feelings are so forever hurt by him killing himself n i just wanna sob like a baby
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