#since its been a while and i dont remember it enough to have a trauma response when seeing them anymore lmao

[alchemiclee]

i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.

[just-antithings]

I remember when i started playing Bg3 and its been a while and i witnessed the fandom ONCE at the start and never looked back ..oh the fandom holy fuck why is it filled with kids and antis.

You can intrude on a very big npc being fucked by an average sized creature, im suprised they didn't call the average sized one child-coded,

The drow twins that you can pay to spend the night with.. i mean they are twins so why are antis being quiet when they would give out to people about incest with any characters that they deemed 'found family' even if they aren't related

Dont forget about the bear scene, i know these are optional but I'm just saying isn't this 'normalising' things according to antis.

Or the fact nudity can be turned on, which 'oh no think of the children' antis are very quiet about

The dude who like to whip people for his god and you can let him whip you, is that not 'romanticising abuse' suddenly?

Oh wait have antis learned what bdsm amd fiction is finally and how puritan they are? Oh no no no no they were too focused on harassing people who made Fanart of astarion that wasnt to their liking, Fucking astarion! thats all i fucking saw was complaints about 'oh no astarion wouldnt do this hes too traumatised' 'stop sexualising astarion your just like his abuser' 'youre sexualising his trauma' 'stop romanticising his scars' 'Dont play this route in the game, youre hurting him and youll be a monster for it!' etc

These children and adults in the fandom making these complaints are not mature enough for a mature 17+ / 18+ game, that much is clear.

Sorry for the vent, this has been bothering me since bg3 was released and i played it then looked at the fandom..

every damn time

[kichikichiko]

Trust, 6 months and Physical touch

A/N: Hi everyone! I decided to write another fic for fun so enjoy! This idea came out of the blue teehee

Wanderer x reader (no gender specified, only "you")

Fluff, comfort, Wanderer is recovering from his trauma of physical touch, soft wanderer,not proofread

You knew what happened to him. Why wouldnt you?

He trusted you with his life, and he knew you'd accept him, even though a part of him fears that you wouldnt. But you stayed either way.

Physical touch wasnt a usual occurence with wanderer, its almost as if it happens once in a blue moon. From subtle pinkie linking when walking around the lush green forest in sumeru to quick pecks on the cheek before leaving your shared home and starting the day. You were patient and understanding, you always have been.

Wanderer felt like he owed you something, anything no... EVERYTHING. You turned his life around and yet he still cant seem to hold your hand longer than 10 seconds, and cant even handle a hug for more than 3 seconds despite being together for 6 months already. Youve always been so kind, it scared him a little.

One evening, wanderer walked to your room and stood near the doorframe.

"Dear? Whats wrong? Why are you standing there?" Ripping your gaze away from the book you were reading and setting it down near the bed side table. Wanderer hesitated for a bit, wanting to say something and yet the words doesnt seem to come out of his mouth at all.

You understood, as you always have. Standing up from your bed you walked towards him "somethings bothering you, you dont have to tell me. We can sit together by my bed and I'll hold your hand" your gaze softened and you smiled a bit when he nodded to your suggestion.

The puppet walked behind you as you both sat down at the edge of your bed. It was a comfortable silence between you both. It was times like this that made wanderer appreciate you more and more. Without words, you always knew if something was wrong. When his pride wont allow words to spill, his body language will do the talking. And you knew.

After a little while, you felt a gentle yet hesitant hand slither towards your own hand and held it lightly, as if it wad afraid to scare you off. Of course you understood and held his hand in the same manner but only, with a slightly tigher grip. (This is his first time initating physical touch eith you) As if to reassure him that you are there with him at that very moment, and you arent leaving anytime sooner.

He tightened his grip on your hand more and finally made eye contact, one that was filled with fear, confusion and a hint of comfort. "Im... Im sorry I never hold you for more than a few seconds. I just.. Im..."

You pressed your forehesd on his "You dont owe me anything dear, Im doing this because I love you. I understand what you went through, and we can hesl together. Im never leaving you"

"You better not be fucking with me." He laughed slightly while shaking his head.

You smiled at his small laugh "Of course not love"

With those simple words, words he has heard a million times ever since he was with you, his heart finally believes in you just a bit, enough to let himself break loose and embraced you, and he made it seem like he wasntt going to let go for a while either.

6 months of trust for a hug in the night sky, with the breeze blowing softly was worth it. And you'd spend 6 months more if it means he'll trust you completely to be able to hold you without remembering the past.

[ganondoodle]

since seeing a post from a mutual yesterday i was thinking about how grateful i am that i can now, confidently say something like -im taking demise away from nintendo- or -hes MY character now- while knowing that the people following me will understand that thats not actually possible and also i dont mean that literally literally (duh)

bc (while i have mentioned it in the past and im not trying to fish for sympathy with this, the memories ... and trauma really does come back every now and then) there were people once that imagined i said that about a popular character in the fandom i was in when i was a teen and proceeded to try (and nearly succeeding bc i was already struggeling alot with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed autism) to bully me into killing myself; perhaps it wasnt their actual goal, but the shit they did (alot of them were adults too), was absolutely insane, but i've only been able to see that wayyyy after the fact

like even if im remembering wrong and i did word it wrong or weird or in a way that was easily misunderstood, i was a teen, with english not as my first language and it still was some fandom shit that ultimately did not matter and never in any scenario warrented that level of harrassment, i dont even think i ever told my parents bc i thought i had to deal with it alone since i 'caused' it too and since then just ... wanting to forget it ever happened

while i am much, much better now, and slowly learning to manage my mental health struggles too, i do wonder just .. how much of how i am today was shaped by that horrible experience, like the way i overly try to pre-apologize and put doubts on every thought i write out, or the panic i feel when something does go outside my usual range (mostly twitter really ..) was immensely worsened by that .. among stuff i probably dont even realize

funnily enough, i made my account on tumblr to try and flee from all that was happening to me (even if they did stalk me at first .. even here) and hey, im still here :D

i guess what im trying to say is, i am very happy to still be here, i am grateful to be able to be myself, even with its downsides, even with my problems, even if the things i do are passable at best, even if i will never "make it big", even if i am annoying at times, even if i do mistakes still, even if i am .... horribly bad at replying to the awesome people that message me-

there are, at least a few people, who enjoy, or even care, or heck, even think about what i draw and write, which is .. still mind boggling to me and i might never be able to truly believe its all real, there are people who are able to see beyond my flaws, forgive me if i do missstep or overreact, and just be aware that even with everything i share about me, there is lots you dont know that may inform why i feel a certain way about something, but thats okay, i am human, i am here, there are people who enjoy my brainworms, and perhaps even think i, as a person, am nice

i am so grateful for that

some things are good

[artificial-condition]

So, at the risk of sounding like an idiot, I absolutely adored System Collapse, but the one thing I don't quite understand that I feel is preventing me from fully appreciating and loving the story was the exact source of Murderbot's trauma. What was the source/meaning of his 'false' memory/dream where his leg was getting eaten? For me, it didn't seem like it was really explained (at least not very well)? And what page/chapter was it explained in, and were there any hints/symbolism given throughout the book? I just feel so stupid I missed what was probably very obvious.

Okay first of all, I am so sorry for this taking me an eternity to answer! At the best of times I take forever to do things online and I have not been having the best of times for a while now haha

I also really really wanted to reread the series before I answered this question so I could thoroughly think about it. So I did. A lot. I have lost track of how many times I have reread the series since this ask (for context, I think in the last month I've reread it three times?) (it is my coping mechanism)

My first read through of system collapse I think I felt pretty similar; it felt like it was a little out of the blue and I was wondering why secunit's last adventure in Network Effect would cause this when it's already had so many dangerous and traumatic adventures. Now that I've read it multiple times, I feel like it is because secunit finally feels relatively safe enough to process some of the stuff that it has suppressed/had forced memory deletion of

Secunit has never had a group of people that it can safely be itself around without fearing for its safety: the entire first four books consist of the arc of murderbot coming to terms with its newfound freedom and learning that some people can be trusted as friends. Secunit has somewhat settled into a routine with its new friends, being around them regularly and getting comfortable with them. When the events of Network Effect happen, murderbot has some more seriously traumatic things happen to it (thinks one of its closest friends dies, gets kidnapped and stuck on a stupid planet, thinks its new friends abandoned it, almost gets mind controlled which reminds it of a governor module, has to kill another version of itself). I think what is different this time that causes it to react differently to this trauma is that this time in the aftermath, secunit has a supportive community and has even somewhat figured out what it wants to do with its freedom. Secunit is deeply moved by having all these new people in its life all team up to rescue it when it is trapped in a worst case scenario (stuck on a hostile planet with no feed access and another being trying to become like a new governor module for it). It is in a better place than it has ever been in its life after the events of Network Effect and since it is so safe, I think it unconsciously relaxes more than it would have before and its systems take it as time to really start to process both the trauma that just occurred along with some of the repressed stuff.

I dont remember pages/chapters, but I know that Secunit mentions that the "false" memory was likely based on something that it saw happen to a client. I think the statistic it gave was that it was around 80% likely to have been based on a real memory, but it didn't actually happen to itself. It was at the point when Secunit decides to explain the redactions, I think midway through the book. I think it was supposed to feel kind of bizarre and unexpected, because secunit has never experienced anything like this before and it is deeply unsettling; it's used to being able to function and do its job under high levels of stress, so the fact that murderbot's trauma is rearing its head in this new way that prevents it from doing so is very unexpected and difficult to deal with.

I don't think that the memory was really supposed to be very specific, I think that it was confusing and upsetting, which is how murderbot experiences it. I don't remember any specific symbolism but I remember that the "false" memory seems to combine a lot of murderbot's traumas and fears, such as hostile fauna eating itself/clients and its recent trauma with TargetContact almost taking over secunit's body (like a type of consumption).

System Collapse to me was a book about murderbot struggling to accept the impacts of its trauma as well as learning that it is okay to struggle. Murderbot wants to be able to ignore the past trauma like it has always done, but it can't ignore it this time and it is impacting its job. Secunit has internalized that it is a piece of equipment that will be disposed of if not functioning optimally; even though it has made a lot of strides to recognize itself as a person, it still experiences so much self doubt and feelings of worthlessness, made worse because the problem is seemingly something it should be able to control.

We see Secunit feel these feelings and eventually realize that it has self worth that is not tied to its job in security; Secunit uses writing and storytelling to rescue people and thus finds a skill that is wholly its own, developed outside of what the company had planned for its life. Secunit can develop its own skills and isn't just good for providing security, which helps it to overturn some of those internalized feelings of worthlessness. At the end of the book, we even see it acknowledge that it might need trauma support, which is huge growth from the beginning of the book.

Anyway. I think I've gotten super off track from answering your question so I'm gonna end this rant here. I'm obsessed with these books so thanks for the prompt to talk about them!!!

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[14th-century-verona-queer]

Sokka HC’s (trauma edition)

just some stuff that I think is true abt Sokka idk

I haven’t watched ATLA in literal years so please correct me if some of my info is wrong

Some of these are probably obvious but I just wanted to give my take on them lol

Ever since the night of the fire nation raid, he’s terrified of fire and even more scared of the smell of bodies burning and the sight of ash. Because although fire is what took his mother and a lot of the tribe members away, the smell of bodies burning and the sight of ash reminds him of the sight he saw that night, and how he was useless to do anything about it, that now burns forever in his memory. Because while Katara is traumatized at seeing the death of Kya, Sokka is traumatized of seeing his tribe members killed and burned in front of him. He’s the kind of guy to break down after the fact of whatever just happened, so he can still fight fire nation soldiers and everything. But the minute he gets off of the battlefield and the adrenaline wears off and hes alone? He makes some excuse about “needing to plan where they’re going next in the peace and quiet because fucking toph and aang make it hard to focus with their earthbending lessons” he breaks down, sobs racking his body and an inevitable panic attack coming as he relives the worst night of his life over and over again for hours, acrid smoke and burning flesh all he’s able to smell, screams of pain and heartbreak all he’s able to hear. (when Zuko comes along it gets a little bit better because he can remind himself the Zuko is a fire bender and hes safe and warm and would never do anything to hurt me. So he just kind of melts into his best friend’s boyfriends arms and it becomes a routine for them. More on that on the zukka post i will get to writing..eventually)

He has abandonment issues because of how unexpectedly Kya died and left him to take care of Katara while she was grieving, and then Hakoda left him to take care of the entire tribe by himself. This is probably why in that one episode (i dont remember which one and im too lazy to find it) Sokka was so adamant about refusing to let Katara go and try to save Haru and his dad, because he was scared that she wouldn’t leave until she got everyone off of the ship, eventually get captured, and spend the rest of her days there, leaving him behind.

(This ones cannon I think but here’s my take on it) He has self-worth issues because of his constant expectations that have been set on him, by himself and by other people. A lot of people reading this are gonna be like well yea he had to take care of the entire tribe by himself! Which, true! Not exactly the best move Hakoda, but what’re you gonna do i guess. But i think his self-worth issues stem more from his need to be the perfect “chief”. What i mean by that is that if he’s doesn’t catch enough fish for the tribe (even if they probably have enough to survive because always working too hard) he hates himself because he isn’t doing enough and they look so skinny and its all my fault because i just can’t catch enough fish. And if the people are cold, or if they’re sick, they expect him to take care of them, but they dont see that he’s a 16 (or younger, he was acting as chief for a couple years before Aang came along i think) year old boy trying to do everything himself with no help. Every day he hears the same thing: “Sokka, we don’t have enough ______! Can you please get more?” So he never ever thinks he’s good enough no matter what he does because there’s just never enough. even if he catches 100 fish for the whole village to eat, he’ll still beat himself up about it because sure they were able to eat today, but they’re not eating enough and he still needs to get more furs for everyone because the winter is only getting colder and they’re getting sicker and they’re all going to die because he’s so useless and can’t do anything right

because of him having to do everything himself, he absolutely hates being offered help. He refuses it practically every single time, because he’s so used to people younger than him counting on him to do something, and if they’re counting on him that means that he cannot fail, and asking for help (to him) is one way of failing. If he asks for help that means he couldn’t do the one thing Hakoda asked him too. It’s super simple Sokka, just take care of the village of like 15 people. And he can’t even do that.

He’s an absolute control freak and micromanages everything, and Katara (the hypocrite, smh) hates it. He needs to be in control of everything because that means that nothing can go wrong unless he makes a mistake. (Which he knows he will make a mistake but at least its his fault and he can find a way to fix it) If he relies on other people that means they’ll make mistakes which means something that needed to get done won’t and he’ll fuck up again and he’ll be worthless, because planning and fixing and engineering and fighting is all he has, all he thinks hes good for. He would rather be solely blamed for not being good enough and screwing up than letting someone like Zuko or Katara or Aang be told that. He was never in control of the war or his mother’s death of Hakoda leaving or anything, so he find some kind of solace or coping mechanism in being able to at least control the village and having some semblance of control (idk how else to explain this! Im so sorry!)

Also because he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it right lol. He’s been taking care of the whole village for such a long time that there’s a very specific way you supposed to do this Katara! It took him such a long time to finally get a rhythm going, get used to how to take care of 15+ people at a time, so any little change to his routine pisses him off and makes him panic because he’s lost the control of the situation and now he’s in an unknown territory where he doesn’t know how to do anything which makes him a liability.

(I’ll probably continue to update this post because im probably not done, and/or make a pt 2 if y’all wanna see that. Won’t be restricted to just trauma next time!)

[bunnys-beetlejuice-blog]

Hey! I love your Beetlejuice stories on A03, all of them are wonderful. Do you have any tips on writing the Maitlands? You write them so well, keeping them sweet while giving them depth.

you're so sweet! this got super long so its under a cut. please keep in mind that these are my interpretations of canon and you might disagree and that's totally fine!

Lemme break these into specifics for each one cause while theyre a matching set and should not be separated they're also pretty different! Barbara- the more out going one between the two of them, more willing to jump into new situations. i think of her as someone adam can lean on, and because of that their marriage is a little non traditional, despite what beej might say, since she's the one more likely to do things that scare her and sort of lead the two of them. barbara should be sweet, empathetic, and very patient, but also willing to put her foot down when it matters. she's a doormat no more. between the two of them, she's the one more interested in arts. while she might not like making pottery i think she's the more creative one - she apparently also started and gave up oil painting (the painting she smashes) i read her as someone who comes from religious trauma but that also might just be me putting my own baggage on her. she just feels like someone who would/could have been more outgoing if she hadnt been raised in a very traditional way, where women are a step below their husbands. i dont think that believe holds true in her marriage obviously but it's engrained to some degree that she needs to behave like the perfect wife/mother. this could also be part of where her anxiety about being a mother stems from (this part obviously is VERY personal to me and her character may not read that way to you, i acknowledge this i headcannon territory here) she's also willing to push adam into things that make him nervous, because she does want her husband to stand up for her. (that moment when beej is having his soliloquy, if you watch her she's arguing with adam and telling him to say something to beetlejuice, and that's the reason why adam interrupts him) in general i think she finds things that are odd and unusual to be more funny and interesting than scary - her laughing at beetlejuice's antics in the attic a lot come to mind. Adam - the more shy one. adam is someone who i read as having a fairly heavy degree of social anxiety (there are strangers downstairs! i didn't like strangers when i was alive-) and because of that he tends to overthink and be in his own head too much. adam's fatal flaw might be that he wants to sit down and puzzle through things instead of reacting. while it's good to keep a clear head sometimes you do need to react in the moment and stand up for yourself (which he learns by the end! go adam!!!) adam loves working with his hands. while barbara creates, adam maintains. he restores furniture and does woodworking. i do like to mix movie adam with musical adam a bit, because in the movie adam owns a hardware shop, and i think that vibe also fits musical adam as well. adam leans on barbara a lot - when beej is asking them to hire him, he looks helplessly to barbara, and he's always willing to follow her lead. in a sense she wears the pants, but it doesn't read as emasculating to me - barb's strength is leading and adam's is supporting. does not like to yell or wish people unwell. THAT GUY!! NEEDS!! therapy, i hope he gets the help he needs :( to me this, combined with him honestly thinking beej might be his dad for a moment, reads as someone who had a very turbulent early childhood. a negligent or possibly abusive father who disappeared early enough in his life that adam doesn't remember his face. maybe he doesnt like to yell because that's what his own father did, and he doesnt want to be like his dad. he wants to be better than that. his not knowing his father could also lead into his fear of becoming one - he didn't have a strong father figure growing up, and he's never had that behavior modeled for him

The Maitlands as one - they should be like two halves of a whole. barb might lead, but she never steps on adam. adam might support, but his own impute is never stifled. barbara will encourage adam to be more brave and outgoing. adam will help barbara keep her temper or talk through things that frustrate her. they're so in love it's kinda gross.

[im-gonna-squeet]

I still dont know who you are, I only know that I'm still lonely chap 1

ao3 chap 2

The Technodrome changed Donnie, both physically and mentally, and to ease their families worries, they decide to ask their father (Baron Draxum) to mutate them a service dog, much the same way that he made them. Shenanigans ensue.

Ever since Donatello was torn out of The Technodrome, they've been different. They blink less, they move weird (as if their body is alien to them, as if they were used to being something much bigger). They used to have to be working constantly, disliking having nothing to do, wheras now they can just sit. for hours upon hours upon hours. Its like they know something. Like The Technodrome showed them things no mortal mind should ever see.

Of course this could all be chalked up to the mental and physical trauma they underwent that night, but Donnie's family knows better. They've seen how donnie responds to trauma, and this is different.

It affected them physically, too. Because The Technodrome's tentacles were attached to Donnies spinal chord, when they were ripped apart, it was damaged. And now Donnie's legs were... less reliable than before. They still worked, just not very well, and they struggled to support themself enough to stand, nevermind walk or do anything else they used to.

Of course, Donnie being Donnie, they just carried on as usual, using their tech arms instead of their legs, and building themself a very cool high tech (weaponised) wheelchair suited specifically for their needs.

But with their family and friends worrying so much about their well-being, they decided to do something to put their minds at ease; they were going to get a service dog!

But not just any service dog, they were getting one custom mutated by their father, Baron Draxum. Well, if they can get him to agree to it.

Thankfully, they had the wonderful Michaelangelo on their side, and who can say no to that face?

Today, Donnie was at Draxum's to finish work on the lab, which had been going on for almost a year at this point and they ere both very relieved that it was finally almost over. So when they were finished, Donnie decided to ask before they could overthink it and back out.

"Father?" they stopped long enough to know that he was listening, "I have a request," At this, Draxum tried to say something, but was quickly cut off, "And before i state my request, please remember that you tried to kill slash kidnap us multiple times and threw my twin off of a roof."

Donnie had never been good at reading people, but they couldve sworn they saw Draxum look guilty for a split second.

"I require a service dog. But I dont typically care for canines as they are far too needy and touchy and whiny and syliva-y. Therefore I am going to request you mutate one for my specific needs. Also just an FYI, Mikey also wants this and will be really really sad if you say no (two reallys)." They wheeled back and forth lightly, just to do something with their hands in the deafening silence that seemed to last simultaneously an eternity and no time at all.

"Alright."

"what?"

"I said alright, would tou like to start working on the design now, or schedule a better time?" Donnie blinked. This should not have been that easy.

"Um, yeah, now is– now's fine", Donnie confirmed, their monotonus voice and blank face hiding the words' stunning effect.

Draxum nodded and started to walk towards his newly fixed lab, expecting Don to follow. Which, after a split second, the shock wore off, and they did.

After working with Draxum for a while, Dee discovered that they could customise a lot more than they had previously thought.

Of course there was the obvious, like the base breed, and which senses to heighten, but they could also choose its colours and, to an extent, mystic abilities.

Their father assured them that it would come fully trained and ready for service. As much as they loathed to admit it, Donnie had long since given up on questioning mystics, so did not comment on this.

After a while of designing the dog, it started to feel more real, and Donnie progressively got more excited, which was incredibly unexpected, and they started to move more to het it out, wheeling in place and drumming their fingers on any available surface.

In a surprisingly short amount of time, Donnie had finished, and was to leave Draxum to work.

They had decided on a large husky base (purple obviously), with similar markings to Donnie, just lighter (and pinker) than her regular fur. She had A lot of eyes, solid bright green with regular dog-like pupils – though she had a third eyelid which aided in darkvision. With razor sharp teeth and claws to match Donnie's own. She can also change size at will, to fit in donnies pocket or carry them around.

Donnie placed their hands on their wheels, about to leave, as Draxun called them back once more. "Do you have a name in mind, or should I use a placeholder?"

Donnie took a second to reply, because it only takes a second for a dumb idea to latch onto their brain and refuse to let go. "Missile Launcher."

Their father took a second to process this. "Are you certian this is the name you would like to give it? You can wait."

But Donnie had decided, and would not be budging on this particular naming choice any time soon.

"Missile Launcher. That is her name, I will not be changing it.", donnie replied, giggling with anticipation, before quickly adding on, "Evil laugh."

The alchemist sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose before straightening up again, "Very well then, you can leave now, off you pop."

Donnie chuckled slightly at the wording, but quickly obliged. "Okay bye Dad! Thank you! I love you!" They quickly shouted back, mind too preoccupied with pure excitement and what to tell their siblings when they got home to process the words.

~~~~~

"Brethren." Donnie greets coolly as they enter the living room, "The reconstruction of father's lab is finished and also he agreed to make me a service dog. Probably because im the coolest, smartest, most favoriteist child, N.B.D." They announced, smoothly transferring themself onto their beanbag and pulling their phone out and waiting expectantly.

"OHMIGOSH DEE THIS IS HUGE!!!!", Mikey immediately jumped up and started jumping in place, and swaying side to side slightly.

"Right? I have named her Missile Launcher and she will be my colours and will be made to help me specifically. This is So Cool!" Donnie drops their phone and flaps their hands next to their chest.

"Dude this is incredible, and I am not usually one to encourage your rants, but... tell us everything" Leo settles behind his twin, wrapping his arms around their shoulders tightly and squeezing, proudly showing off his 'twin privileges' as he and Don had dubbed them years ago.

"Way to go Donna!" Raph held out a fist, which Donnie gleefully bumped.

"As much as i would adore to talk your metaphorical ears off right now, dearest siblings, I will wait for dinner as to not repeat myself." They explained with an uncharacteristic ammount of self restraint.

So the siblings sat and talked or in comfortable silence for a while until Mikey went to make dinner, insisting that he would do it himself when the others offered to help.

A little before dinner time, April burst through the entrance of the lair with her signature battle cry of "APRIL O'NEIL!!" and was only greeted by Raph, and she soon found out why when she heard Donnie's shout of "I swear to Pizza Supreme, Nardo if you touch my controller..."

Followed by Leo's "...boop." and a loud smacking sound not a second after. As soon as she walked into the living room and nade her presence known, however, the twins immediately ceased their petty slap fight to greet her and tell her how much they missed her. Donnie, of course, in a far less noticable way, though just as meaningful. "Hey guys! Mikey in the kitchen?" At that moment, they decided that they had left Mikey at peace long enough, and collectively decided to go and bother him.

"Ooh smells great!" April complimented the moment she was within Mikey's earshot.

"Hiya April! Thanks, Im almost done! Could you guys set the table for me please-and-thankyou!!"

And of course, they did as they were told, Leo on placemat duty, donnie grabbing the plates and bowls since they could reach easily, Raph getting silverware, and April sorting out drinks. Only it wasnt quite as functional as it should've been.

Though their dining room (modified kitchen island) was large enough to comfortably fit all of them, having to move around it was another thing. Donnie used their tech arms to lift themself above it, olacing the plates wherever Leo used his 'rad skillz' to throw the placemats, with Raph attempting to get around fast enough to keep up with the cutlery without knocking anything (or anyone) over. April had the easiest job, pouring drinks away from the chaos, and then, with her incredible wairessing skills she gained from working in a cafe one summer, carrying them all over at once and putting them in their correct positions.

Practically the moment they finished, Mikey announced that dinner was ready and Splinter came into the room. It took a while for everyone to get into their designated seats, and make sure food was portioned out correctly.

But when it was, they all ate, complimenting Mikey's incredible cookery the whole time. But Donnie had but one thing on their mind.

"'Pril, Papa," they got their attention, "You are aware that father and I finished work on his lab today, correct?" They nodded, "So he can finally start working on projects again. And as we discussed, i requested he mutate me a service dog. Well, surprisingly, he agreed, and will start work on her imminently." They didnt bother to hose the genuine grin that spread accross their face, displaying their large, pointy teeth in a strange show of happiness.

"Dee!" April reached across the small table and squeezed one of their hands in her own, nonverbally conveying her excitement for them, much in the same way Raph did. They squeezed back.

"Well done Purple, I am very proud of you." Hearing this not only from a parent-aged adult, but his dearest papa made Donnie's tail wag so hard it audibly hit Leo's thigh, and sent the entire family into a fit of laughter.

"So, you wanna tell us about her?" April prompted after the laughter died down.

"But of course, dear sister. As many of you know, I have decided to name her Missile Launcher – Missy for short – and she will be based on a large husky, with a dark violet coat and very similar markins to my own in a more magenta colour. She will have many bright green eyes with third eyelids to aid in dark vision. She will, of course, have very sharp teeth, and retractable claws. She can change size to aid in mobility slash balance, act as a weighted blanket or lap pad, and be carried around for easy transport. She will be fully trained because mystics and will act as a pet as well as a service animal. Any questions?"

It was pretty much unanimously agreed that Donnie had covered everything, so they began to pack up and clean.

"Well would you look at the time, I have to go pick up Shelldon & Jr. from Todd's! Guess I'll see you guys later!" Donnie exclaimed as they left the lair, much to the others' chagrin. But they really did have to!

chap 2

reblogs > likes

[xamaxenta]

Had this AU idea for saboace where Ace survives just barely but thanks to the news everyone thinks he's dead still cuz there's a brutal picture of his body bloodied and unconscious on the front page and he does look low-key dead so he has to disguise himself somehow and hide while simultaneously training up his haki (cuz I don't think he really did much with his haki, I think he had it but didn't like using it and refused to train it up, I headcanon that he did this on purpose to spite Roger who also had haki, honestly I refuse to believe Ace wouldn't have been dozens of times stronger if his haki had been properly evolved. Though he absolutely has all forms of haki already awakened cuz he's just that much of a badass, anyway).

The only place they can think of to hide him is right under everyone's noses, so he somehow wiggles his way into the revolutionary army. He's not too happy with it cuz he's got beef with Dragon (hey whyd you abandon luffy) and Dragon I think knows it's him despite the disguise but says nothing cuz that's none of his business (Kermit meme here) and since it was announced Ace was fully dead Sabo regained his memories and already had that super fun nervous breakdown and three day coma and is NotDoingWell™ and Dragon is a Dad so he's like "imma push these two together and hope they realize the connection, surely my Chief of Staff is smart enough to recognize who this is" but he underestimates Sabo’s Spicy Trauma cuz he does not realize.

And Ace knows it's Sabo but he's told by a few of the other revolutionaries that Sabo still has amnesia (yeah man he can't remember shit from his childhood from what I've heard), bummer he's only heard it from random footsoldiers and not those closest to Sabo but it's fine I'm sure. So Ace is like "oh I may fuck him up more if I fling my disguise off and tell him we know each other so imma just be quiet" and Sabo is like "wow I let my bro and first ever friend and high key love of my life get murdered I wish I was dead:)" and Dragon is like "guys plz just kiss".

Anyway I'm writing this fic but it's been a hot minute since I worked on it, I thought you'd enjoy hearing about the chaos that will ensue.

Anonnnnnn pleaseee *grabbie paws* gimmieeee i love this premise so much

Dragon doing the Kermit none of my business tea sip meme is so fucking funny i really should draw a bunch of classic memes as random OP characters bc its tragic that there isnt more maybe eight ? I love distracting myself from the projects i should be working on HAHA demon standees marcos bday whats that oops

Ace knowing its Sabo is sooo good but hes so sweet hes like i cant just reveal myself!!! Itll fuck him up, maybe he’s gonna hate me!!

Dragon watching their bs like gods help theyre both stupid

Snickering if its just a random guy Sabo overhears saying that xyz ‘insert Ace’s fake name’ is actually thee portgas d ace and Sabos like WHat DONT JOKE ABOUT THAT!!!! And thag rando is sweating like omg chief no harm no jest i swear its true

But when Sabo goes to ask Ace Ace looks to the side and hes like haha… no?

😭

[hauntedkkitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[petorahs]

☀️ its fascinating that you say P3 has shaped your worldview because... Well not to trauma dump here but back then when I discovered the game (it was back then when p4 was already out) i was... In a REALLY bad place and wondering about unaliving myself. I wont go into much detail but kids are trash man and teens are even worse. and then this game came around. With an aesthetic I really liked. i am not a native english speaker so it was hard for me at first but somehow this game just... /spoke to me/. A game about life and death and what it means to be alive and what it means to have a REASON to live, somehow... Convinced me to go a bit longer. I mean it when I say this: Persona 3 saved my life. And no other game can ever come close to such an experience. (Even tho from a quality standpoint P5 certainly is up there)

oh dude that is so valid thank you for sharing this. seriously though, im happy that youre here! and im sure many others are too! the ☀️ brightening lives and all that :]

yea i can see why p3 just clicked with so many people since it first came out. i was always curious on why it's so beloved by fans, when p5 and even p4 are literally right there with their overall better gameplay experiences. p5 literally got the franchise mainstream to insane heights lol. im... so glad i got into persona the way i did. of course, everyone's experiences w these games are different and special to them in their own way.

i got into persona 3 as an adult and as a result the lens in which i viewed the story's themes were heightened, in a way. as a teen i just know i would have reacted more volatilely i struggle to think about it LOL but both experiences would still be pretty intense. it's just that, as an adult there's more room to digest it when im not troubled by algebra hw. i was just more equipped for it (also i played omori two summers ago LMAOO). ofc i only turned 20 a few weeks ago LOL but i get why p3 means so much to people.

because it's like... 2000s nostalgia coupled with a game that figuratively holds your hand through the uncertainty of death yknow? p3 is a friend, basically. its entire thesis is based upon companionship (exactly what i highlight in an analysis i have drafted somewhere but HHH i dont want this to get too long lmao)

in the shaping my worldviews thing... its really more like it cemented my 'philosophies' :] like i said, equipped with the stuff i learned before, p3 having the message that it did just... hit super close to home! like yeah! that's what i've been saying dude!! kindness really is enough!!

"You don't have to save the world to find meaning in life... Sometimes all you need is something simple, like someone to take care of."

LIKE YEA GIRL THATS EXACTLY IT!! its so cool! i actually admire people who grew up with p3 because man if i heard this line ages ago... well, again, idk if i would be able to grasp it fully at the time... but still! this is so good, poetry in motion. and like u said its aesthetics are gorgeous and aim to capture the essence of its themes - and it did.

im a p5 baby like bro i love p5. soft spot for it. thats the closest persona game i "grew up" with and it came at such an opportune time for me, being a teen stuck between a rock and a hard place. typical. and p5 validated my teenage angst bs so much. its so refreshing to see a game's theme being rebellion. that was me i thought. those characters are going through something that similarly happened to me. teenage rebellion is such a fun thing to explore!

so p5 validated my struggles while p3 did something deeper than that, somehow. i think it just made me .. stronger? like it made me move on from struggles. "by remembering death you learn how to live" so... i guess p3 taught me how to live as crazy as that sounds. but you get me

persona 5 overall is great -- everyone agrees, like its objectively just a better game. but persona 3 ends up more beloved because of its subjective value as a piece of art. there's a lot of heart and soul to put into it.

it's more simple when compared to p5 at first glance, but simple doesn't mean less. which is why more people experiencing it will be nice to see

[sangthael]

I WAS ASKING YOU THE TIME!!! but its also time for me to ask about doomsday characters. sparks backstory:)?

I DONT REMEMBER WHAT THE TIME WAS i love doomsday talk lets go

gabriel murphy was born to a catholic family and raised practically in church as soon as he was old enough to go. the bible was always drilled into him from the start, that homosexuality was a sin but love thy neighbor and whatever. he always suppressed his feelings, in fear of god and for being found out, in fear of being seen. when he was 14, he met another boy! a cute boy who was “experimenting” (he was bi lol) who went to the same rundown catholic private school as gabriel. and he encouraged gabe to be himself, encouraged gabe to love himself and express himself, and they were essentially secret boyfriends for a few months. up until a nun caught them sneaking out together, and they were promptly separated, their families informed, wrists slapped and wounded until they renounced anything they felt for each other. gabe was sent (very unwillingly) to a conversion therapy camp the week after, the shame of his family (which were also the cause of his blind eye lol his parents were extremely unhappy with him), where he was very crudely basically tortured for months, including shock therapy (hence the nickname sparks lol. it’s his way of reclaiming what happened to him).

when he was 15, he couldn’t take the abuse anymore and, under the cover of a storm, escapes the facility. his family wouldn’t accept him back, he couldn’t go back to that boy who rejected him, and he certainly couldn’t go back to church. so he essentially just? lived on his own since then — got a job, one room apartment in chicago, joined the public school system (though his teachers were generally understanding of his predicament and weren’t too hard on him) (he also met parker and tyler there (they bullied him for being gay bc they were psychotically repressed)). he eventually met nix and arin in chicago too, grew to be the caretaker he never got to have to the both of them. he also meets conner at coldstone and they hit it off!! conners really sweet to sparks and makes him incredibly happy :)

the apocalypse starts, and sparks fully jumps into overprotective mode. he doesn’t know if arin is safe since arin had moved to ohio by then, though he knows arin can take care of himself, so he just keeps himself and nix in chicago, making do with what they could scavenge. conner dies sorry conner. sparks won’t let himself acknowledge that, he just overworks himself while nix worries about him. after years pass, chicago (along with every other major city) is essentially unlivable, with no resources or available space without danger, so sparks and nix head east, eventually running into tucker and his group and hitching a ride with them. by the time they get to sycamore (arins og town) its essentially abandoned, and by the time they reach bexley it’s been destroyed, so they just… head back the way they came, and go north. they run into max and his group eventually and hang out with them for a few days.

a few years later, nix dies. and sparks freaks the fuck out. he’d already lost his family, his boyfriend, he had no idea if arin was okay, and now nix? he was losing everybody. so he does the only thing he knows how to do and he runs. probably runs into sophie, jay, dani, maybe lance in the meantime, no one knows. the days blur together and he’s essentially just existing through it, too scared to take his own life in fear of god’s punishment for running (religious trauma hardcore), too tired to do anything else. he manages to make it to a safehouse near the end of the apocalypse where he meets tyler (again) and they somehow recognize each other despite the years passing. and they fall in love, sparks patient with tylers frankly horrific trauma, night terrors and his religious baggage, and tyler who just wants to be loved despite it all. sparks is the only person tyler trusts with himself, and vice versa. they spend the rest of their lives together :)

[traumas-echo]

ahhh... i wish those who haven’t lived their whole lives in an extremely toxic household understood that it’s a lot harder than “just leave”.

for many this is simply not having the resources to be able to safely move out. since... you know... living like that tends to fuck you up in such a way that you can’t hold down a decent job for long enough to get the money to leave.

and for me and probably many others, it’s not even that that’s stopping us. i have an offer sitting right in front of me that i can take that will, at the very least, let me sleep and let me chill for most of the day in a different house with actually calm and sane people. and i hate that it’s so hard for me to take. i don’t know exactly why it’s so hard to take it.

learned helplessness, dealing with the abuse/trauma just being easier than up-hauling the entire life you’ve lived til now, finding a sick comfort and validation in the abuse/trauma, very personal attachments to something--however small--in the house that you dont want to lose, being convinced that youll be dead soon anyway (sense of foreshortened future) so theres no point in putting in all that effort just to not even get anything from it, yadda yadda.

and it becomes even harder when dissociation is in the picture. half the time i can’t even remember why this household is toxic as hell! i cant remember most of the stuff thats happened most of the time. which makes it extremely hard to logic yourself out of the stuff listed above. because you cant justify leaving. because its not like anythings actually happened!

several times now ive taken the offer while in the middle of Another Incident To Add To The List. and every time, like a few hours later, ive backtracked and been like “on second thought nevermind. not yet”. because i come back from having been insanely triggered and have immediately been confused as to why i was “acting so dramatic”. because i dont feel any connection to what just happened. shit happens! i can deal with it just fine. this is nothing. i feel nothing when thinking about it. i dont care.

and repeat.

[maschotch]

oh same (very forgetful) anon but in all fairness, the writers seem to often forget morgan’s csa trauma smh. when a case involves kids, everyone but especially hotch & jj are affected. when a case involves drugs or schizophrenia, often reid is quite affected. bc it’s personal. when a case involves csa or SA in general, they apparently forget that that should logically be a trigger for morgan. that also annoys me,,, let morgan have feelings please. anyway that’s my 2 cents, and i promise one day i will be coherent and concise (my fingers are crossed behind my back as i say this)

hmm ok its been kind of a while since ive seen criminal minds so i might be delusional, but i remember them doing an ok job with that? maybe it was mostly the early seasons (like p911, which is wild since im p sure that was before they even decided on derek’s backstory—maybe it’s just one of those things that happened to work out, like lauren) but derek seemed to be slightly more disturbed during csa cases. i dont think they need to rehash his whole trauma every time (the way jj always tells the whole fucking story ab her sister), but it’s the subtle little moments that clinch it for me. or at least they did it often enough that i assumed it was going on even when they didnt explicitly mention it. they didnt overdo it but they didnt completely forget it either

[flashlights-coming-down-the-way]

i’ve had this thought rotting in my brain ever since mitski dropped The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We so im gonna dump it onto tumblr but first of all

SPOILER WARNING FOR LAND OF THE LUSTROUS / HOUSEKI NO KUNI !!!! PLEASE READ THE MANGA <3

also i would like to add a second warning that this post may not make a lot of sense grammatically :3 currently am not lucid enough to make a lot of sense :3

i think that the song When Memories Snow can describe a lot of phos’ character arcs and their progression eerily well like if you were to make a phos animatic to this song it would line up so perfectly

okay first of all i would like to point out the general connection between this song and the gems. i have not analysed mitski’s song by itself, and so i dont know what she intended behind When Memories Snow, so maybe the “memories” could straight up be a metaphor for something and not actual memories but thats not what we’re gonna talk about rn !! we know that the gem’s memories are stored in the physical gem pieces themselves, so if they lose a body part they lose parts of their memories. phos has their whole thing with losing their body parts (and effectively their memories) and becoming a completely different person and all that good stuff

oki now the lyrics :3

“when memories snow // and cover up the driveway // i shovel all those memories // clear the path to drive to the store”

this gives me the vibes of post-winter phos after theyve lost antarc. the first two lines really remind me of whenever phos would just have random hallucinations of antarc’s death over and over again in the anime and the other two lines remind me of how they would basically have to just ignore the hallucinations and keep going on with their life. i would also like to add that while i do think that HNK is an amazing story and that the anime adaptation is honestly so perfect, i also think that there isnt a lot of focus on the fact that phos should not be able to remember jackshit ??? yknow ??? the way that canonical phos just keeps going on with life just kind of fits well with how nonchalant the line “clear the path to drive to the store” feels to me

“and when memories melt // i hear them in the drainpipe // drippin through the downspout // as i lie awake in the dark”

okay so i originally sent a bunch of my interpretations to a friend and i said that this part really fits with phos’ trauma with losing antarc. the way that these lines are phrased gives the vibes of when its late at night and youre tired but the clock is ticking too loudly and you just cant sleep. but now reading these lines again, i feel like it resonates more with how, once again, phos has lost like so many memories they cannot remember jackshit anymore. their memories have melted, but theyre still lingering and they still cling onto phos. a good example of this would be when phos wakes all the other gems up at the end of their hibernation and phos forgets who cinnabar is for a moment, the same cinnabar that was phos’ whole motivation for the first half of season 1. also the “as i lie awake in the dark” basically describes how phos refused to sleep during the second half of the season

ok verse 2 !!

“and if i break // could i go on break?

THIS IS THE MOST PHOSPHOPHYLLITE CODED LINE OF THE ENTIRE SONG !!! to me at least :3 not only does this line apply to them in a literal sense, with phos being the second weakest gem and them breaking a crazy amount of times throughout the whole series, “breaking” also applies to them in a mental sense. i get two different images when i think of this line, the first one being that one scene in the anime (and manga too? maybe? idk its been a while :() where phos is thinking about kongo and the lunarians and everything and they start cracking and their alloy just explodes out of them. i think thats the closest to a mental breakdown a gem has ever experienced at that point. the second image i get is when,,, phos becomes like,,, yk phos’ shattered / monster form whatever you call it,,, thats what i think of

“be back in my room // writing speeches in my head”

i think this goes back all the way to pre-trauma phos. “writing speeches in my head” could represent their encyclopaedia job?? but i think its a better metaphor for their want to join in with the other gems in fighting the lunarians. part of them knows it’ll never happen, so they resort to daydreaming about what it would be like

“listenin’ to the thousand hands // that clap for me in the dark”

connecting with my last point, they want the feeling of accomplishment and the general coolness of being able to fight and they want the praise from kongo and the other gems.

also this image doesnt connect very well, but i think of the god-like phos form when i think of these last two lines. this is the only time in the series where everyone finally has to depend on phos for once, and phos isnt deemed as ‘useless’ or a problem. of course the context is super tragic but idk just a thought

okay phos and mitski rant over !!!