#i should concentrate on other things
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Okay but this morning a bunch of people were sneezing nonstop and coughing their lungs out in class (one of them was sitting next to me) and none of them wore a mask. Needless to say, i was a bit. Annoyed. Flashforward to today's afternoon class. Only I and one other girl are wearing a mask. The professor talks about communication and how everything we do communicates something. "For example.. when someone is wearing a mask it usually means they have a cold. They don't tell you directly 'hey i have a cold' but the mask communicates it" BITCH I'M NOT THE ONE WHO HAS A COLD. BUT YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, IF I DID I SURE WOULD WEAR A MASK
#sorry it annoys me just a Tiny bit#like please. i get it.. it's not mandatory. not even judging if you don't wanna wear a mask regularly. idc anymore#but if you're coughing and sneezing non stop and you're in a room Packed with people.. i may get a little unhappy#funny enough that girl sitting next to me had a mask with her#she just didn't think to put it on up until like 45 minutes into the lecture#babe you sneezed an estimate of 190 times within these 45 minutes and you didn't think to put it on???#please! i don't have enough cold medicine with me..i wanna save it for later this year. don't make me get sick please ㅠㅠ#and dude#some of us always wear a mask#we don't communicate 'hey i have a cold' ㅠㅠ#i mean. our lecturer wore a mask yesterday for the first time this semester saying it was because she was sick#so i guess you COULD communicate it like that..#yeah well i guess i just wish people would wear one if they're sick- i might be too annoyed by them not doing it#i should concentrate on other things#void screams
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*Is an art student* man I wish I could draw....
#things that I do instead include#cutting lino#writing my paper#writing my other paper#reading a paper for an exam#reading other papers for writing my own paper#doing stupid things in adobe illustrator i really don't wanna do#worrying#did I mention academic papers yet#i will fucking make it through if i have to cry my way through all the writing#today I'm gonna cut lino because i noticed i cant concentrate on wroting until its urgent#so since today i also go to class i should do my best to cut the rest of the matrix. and then i can start the other tasks#rambling
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Is it normal for a therapist to be like "Aww but you are so young and pretty, things can't be that bad :)"
#do they just get so overwhelmed with everyone having struggles that they try to make it as if some don't as much as possible?#yes i'm known to lie at therapy but i do tell the truth at times#he asks me if i have friends and do i go out#i say “no i'm having a hard time connecting with other people”#and he is like “but it's by choice right? :)”#my sir would i have been there if things were all smiles and sunshine...#also he listened to a voice recording from a patient/acquaintance at some point and asked me my opinion#and was watching reels when i was taking a test that measured my concentration and even showed one to me while i was taking the test#despite all that i cannot say it was a bad experience though as it was really reassuring to see i was perceived as so normal by a stranger#because i always assume i must come off as a weirdo#so for me it might have been better than a proper therapy seance#but god help other patients...#“don't worry you are at very trust hands! i'm one of the best psychiatrists in the city!” he said#i should take him as a role model for confidence#but i wonder if i should go again or look for a sharper psychiatrist
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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Personally, I think if you describe yourself as a socialist and also have a bust of Vladimir Lenin's head in your house, I should be allowed to smash that bust over your head with no consequences.
#kai rambles#vent post#im just#im so fucking tired of tankies man#yeah mate youre definitely on the left#since you. you know. glorify the guy who killed all the leftist anarchists as soon as he had secured power#i totally believe youre an advocate for restorative justice#thats why you keep a bust of that guys head who either killed his political oponents or put them in concentration camps#yeah i totally dont think your ideology is fascism with a red bow on top#i mean even before the october revolution or the february revolution even. oh and before that revolution in 1905 lenin argued that party#members should not express themselves indepenfent of the party and the party leadership. the whole bolshevik v menshevik thing#yeah no fascist leanings there. not at all. makes sense that you as an anti fascist person would have a little statue of him in your house#and anyway he expelled the mensheviks around 1918 as well as the other socialist parties so no need to worry about that really#i mean he did also oppose the first free election after the october revolution but im sure that wasnt a red flag#haha funny red flag joke do you get it? haha#its not like he then accused the new assembly of being counter revolutionary and forcefully disbanded it and also there were those pesky#protesters marching in support of the assembly who just had to go and march right into soldiers gunfire#he also did partake in sending anyone opposing him or his government to inhospitable environments or just straight to the grim reaper#ugh#yeah he did some good things for russian citizens i wont argue that#but fuck you if you glorify him#he was a fucking tyrant#are you only antifa when the fascism is ringing the doorbell?#or are you actually antifa and pay attention when the fascism is coming from inside the house?
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as i'm waiting for my new tablet to arrive i'm reminded why i don't shop online ever and hate paying in advance for something i haven't been able to hold in my hands yet.
it's starting to seem like it won't arrive before my birthday tomorrow so i am officially livid. i specifically picked a store that wasn't far away and promised delivery on the 28 at the earliest but it looked like they only shipped it on the 28th judging by the status 😒 the one time I order a gadget online instead of going directly to a store and this happens. birthday officially ruined.
#i am genuinely so livid i've been livid for days#i ordered a week in advance it should have arrived it's only from moscow to saint petersburg#i was checking the status update and it hadn't changed for the first 3 days after creating the order#so it's not that they failed to deliver at the earliest date it's that they didn't even try#i tell you i haven't been this mad in a long time i am fuming#sorry im not the best conversationalist when im like this#it looks like the case will arrive from another country faster than fucking moscow#ugh there's a reason everyone hates moscow#im so livid im shaking i tell you#i can't concentrate#this is pointless but i needed to vent#also explain why i might be in such a shitty mood for my birthday#which is tomorrow#it was the only thing i was looking forward to#i was this close to cancelling the order on like 26th or 27th to order from a different store#but i was afraid they will take too long to return the money (could be like a week) so yeah#i know i chose badly but they were promising 28th and i naively thought they would deliver#other stores' window was from 29th#i know it's stupid but it really has ruined my birthday cause it's all i can think about
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as a north american who's a huge britcom fan it's so interesting to me that it feels like every other british comedian originally came from a double act (which seems much less popular here)
#like vic and bob. mitchell and webb. punt and dennis. fry and laurie. lee and herring#and my favs (rik and ade)#i also feel like the comedy scene is a lot more geographically concentrated and also tight knit there so it must be easier to find#the other half to ur comedy duo?? (which sounds like it should be a lot more rare than it seems to be in the uk)#i mean they seem a lot rarer nowadays even in the uk but comedians who are super popular rn (hugh dennis david mitchell bob mortimer etc)#came from double acts#i actually think its super cute and leads to great dynamics. i dislike individualism in general so like#PLEASE dont let the double act thing die uk#its cute!#nina.rambles#britcom#also bring back sketch shows theyre so cute. everyones doing standup or comedy dramas which i get but pls sketch shows (and sitcoms) r grea#actually i take that back. everyone's doing panel shows really. which obviously i fucking love but like yknow variety etc
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Do I probably have some kind of auditory processing disorder or something??? Yeah. Am I ever going to actually tell irl people in my life about it or actually think about it?? FUCK NO
#this is /silly btw im nit actually upset or anything#idk i have a fairly delayed like- comprehsion thing a lot?? not all the time but often rnough#and while i have really good hearing if i just listej to much i get overwhelmed as fuckkkkk#and if im trying to concentrate on even one other little thing even slightly- i will not be able to hear sm1 else properly#like- even if im trying to just passively pay attention to the movie going on#suddenly i cant hear my friend who is right beside me talking. its just all muddled and unprocessed and shit#i should pick up lipreadibg or smth actually#not the point#anywayd fun fact abt me for the day!!!!#enea rambles <3
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#okay no it's not the darkness getting to me there is a real life thing occupying a lot of my brain space#and idk if there's anything to be gained by speaking it out loud into the void but at the moment it's the only thing i Can do#i don't even have to click the 'post' button if i don't want to#but yeah. yesterday got the news that my mom's husband is dying. had a surprise heart attack and he's not gonna make it#just feels super fucking weird#personally i never really liked him at all so it's not like i myself necessarily have to grieve. never was that close with him#but like. oof this is going to be hard for my mom. and i'm super worried about how she's going to survive#but there's nothing to DO about it really. she wanted to have some space to come to terms with this on her own#and she has a strong support network of friends in her city. while i'm on the other side of the country#and don't even know what i could do to help if i was closer to her. i just. like. what can you even do in a situation like this?#just feels weird to Not do anything when i know how huge of an impact this will make for her entire life#she'll probably have to move to a different place too#and there are people there to help her. people with more life experience. people who probably know more about grief than i do#i just. i have no idea how one handles something like this. except for being there for her when asked#do eldest daughters have some sort of universal responsibilities that i'm just not aware of?#it feels kinda horrible how this is constantly circling back to what can *I* do and what must *I* do. how *I* feel#i'd never ever ever make things this much about me in any other setting than my own tumblr blog. in a tag whisper i'm not sure i'll post#but yeah all of this is eating my brain in a very weird way. an odd sort of limbo where it feels like there should be something here#it'd certainly be easier if i had any sort of relationship with the dead person myself. if i had something to grieve myself#now there's just a feeling that something Should be here to feel. and the knowledge of how hard this must be for my mom#ahhhhh idk none of this makes any sense i'm just speaking in circles and everything feels bad#it's bad and horrible and i don't know how to process any of this and i'm stuck in my brain and can't DO anything#there's nothing i can do to help my mom at this exact moment when she wants to be left alone with her thoughts#and i can't do anything else either because all of this feels like a heavy black cloud fogging up my brain#can't concentrate on anything at all today#not fun. not cool#sussitalk
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i think totk improved on botw in a lot of ways but i also still had the same issues w it that i did w botw and it had new issues as well (the inventory was a nightmare, armor upgrade reqs were ridiculous, too many collectible-based quests esp the fucking hudson signs)
but my biggest complaint was that even with a storyline that i personally found more interesting, there is just zero connection to it at all. botw and totk feel like revenge for skyward sword being so emotional, linear, and story-driven (iirc miyamoto was not happy with its direction and he and aonuma (?) were just undoing each other's work which is partly why the game suffers from repetition)
so now we get zero emotional attachment to anything that's going on except in cutscenes that aren't even required and have no visible impact on link in any way. hardly any of the sidequests feel meaningful, and the ones that could have been always seemed to fall short. the npcs seem weirdly chipper about the gloom spreading, the ground splitting open, and the earth levitating into the sky. many of them that should remember you just... don't, for some reason, like there's so little development in any of link's relationships with any of these people, zelda included, as if he hasn't even existed for the past eight years between games, like what was with the hateno village retconning
my personal favorite quests were awakening the fairy fountains (felt like classic zelda and i liked that it made a permanent impact on the world, even rewarding you with a permanent new rendition of epona's song at every stable), giving all the bubbul gems to koltin (you have to go out of your way to talk to his brother kilton to get the full kinda bittersweet ending and it's a rare touching moment imo), and the balloon thing with rhondson and hudson's daughter (i liked that it actually expanded on a questline from botw and it was also bittersweet), also i liked penn and the newspaper questline
the biggest improvement imo was the shrines, the puzzles were so much more interesting with so many possible solutions, and the temples/bosses were so much better than the divine beasts and stupid scourges
but idk i just... feel like i wanted more from it. to me the story is just as important as the gameplay and tbh in both games link feels so detached from the plot, like it's just happening around him, not to him. and you can argue that in the older games they didn't explore his emotional state or w/e but the narratives were tight enough that you felt immersed anyway, and could project your own feelings onto him. these games actively thwart your attempts to humanize the silent protagonist bc he's more emotional about fucking cooking than about being manipulated by a creepy puppet of the woman he's been with for 8+ years at this point (should've made puppet zelda a boss again smh) or seeing memories of people dying horribly
all of which is too far spaced out between, idk, grinding for lionel parts
with the world as big as it is, nothing in it is allowed to be too big and i'm concerned that this is just what zelda games are going to be like from now on. i hope the next project announced will be something completely different.
#loz#having played every single-player zelda game i'm not really a purist#bc every other zelda game is a ''black sheep'' lol#so i like it when each game is something different#botw was just such a departure but it felt big and new and exciting#totk is bigger but that's the problem imo. there's just nothing that new or threatening.#once you get used to the depths it was just kind of a slog to map out the entire thing#and there's nothing as scary as the guardians wandering around#i honestly think the depths should have been smaller + more concentrated#or more like traditional dungeons#basically i have a lot of Thoughts abt zelda and if you read all of this i have kissie for u mwah
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xavier’s shouldn’t be a big school bc i hate it
#like. here's the thing. in my (limited) experience.#the school stuff when it gets too big#starts to feel wildly disconnected from all the other x-stuff#in a way that i dislike#and part of this#to me.#is that when the school stuff gets too big#you start bringing in adults as teachers who are not teachers#like there are x-characters who are capital T teachers#and there are stories to be written about other characters becoming teachers#but if the school gets too big and the cast of administration is forced to expand too much#then those characters#who are still appearing in other stories!#don't actually have a relationship to the school or students that matters or changes them#bc their entire other deal is concentrated elsewhere and they only appear as teachers bc you need SOMEONE to teach a class#except you don't! bc as much as 'xavier's is a school' for a long time that was a really small and concentrated thing#also i feel like. introducing waves and waves of students to be discarded each time somebody decides the x-men should be a school again#is annoying#lastly! i feel like there are interesting things about the place of the x-men w/in marvel's society#like the x-men have historically fought in some sense to conform to what is expected of them#in order to comfort wider society and assure them they are good#simultaneously!#the x-men (and the institute) are not really a part of that society#and i think making the school too big too normal too recognizable as a school unbalances that tension a bit#w.me
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If we could let russians be villains we could have a movie of current events with villains just as bad as nazis. Just as horrible and shocking but it would be all true.
We will only know the full extent of atrocities after the war (and not fully even then... many details lost... memories cut down by bullets... ) and someday there will be enough for just as many movies of russian villains as nazis. The stories should be told. Then and now. Victims deserve their voices to be heard and the war criminals deserve to be despised.
Someday, this is a horror that will be in the past sad we will be watching it as something that was, not is. But hopefully we will realize fully the evil of it NOW, rather than something to watch from a comfortable vantage point of years removed from it. The people need help now-- not just sympathetic tears of how horrible it was back then. We can help them now-- it doesn't have to be "we should have" or "they should have" (2nd more likely... that's even more comfortable). It shouldn't take us watching a movie of atrocities to realize there are atrocities going on. It's the flesh and blood people that matter, not light pixels on a screen.
#vantage point of history#movies#ukraine#russia#war crimes#nazis#im watching a movie w nazis#i see it thru lens of this war#i can't get away from it#sometimes i wonder somethings wrong w me#i dont have to be there#i mean emotionally#but others SHOULD care more#enough to know#thats why i think there should be a movie#ppl at least pay attention#idk if its appropriate but#if stories told of ppl there..#dramatization of sth close#true#also entertaining/engaging#wake up!!#- it is not all the same of course but many similarities#and things particular to russia#occupied territories#what might be happening#secret prisons#... how we did know were concentration camps ...
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I don't think my husband understands that there is a big difference between the kind of sleep I've been getting and the kind of sleep he's been getting. It's starting to make me very angry
#ignore me#i only sleep for max 4 hours and then have too wale up to feed tje baby#and after that she doesn't sleep for another 4 only for max 2#which means i barely get any of the deep sleep#and he sometimes gets like 8+ hours#and then he has tje audacity to bitch at me that he deserves to sleep in too#like boyo you slept 10 hours this week#my max was 8 including the feeding breaks which means definitely not 8???#In 8+ months i had the pleasure of sleeping without feeding duty twice#like does he even understand the level of exhaustion I have by now???#i think i wouldn't care if he didn't have the audacity to pretend that he never gets enough sleep anymore which is factually not true#he sleeps more than he did before the baby which is okay cause he's been more busy since then#but dont bitch at me please? I'm tired too... I'm trying my best with not enough rest too#I'm so tired my baby thought i was upset and tried to cheer me up#what a cutie#she always tries to cheer me up when I'm not smiling which is not necessary??? i cannot smile all the time???#but i guess for her it's weird to not look concentrated or happy#i know she isnt scared. of me cause sometimes when i get a bit more stern she goes “oh oh” so i think she does it cause she is happy so i#should be making the happy face too after all she is happy???#at least i think that babies have no concept of other people feelibg other things than them. yet#anyways being a mom is hard jesus christ how the fuck do single moms manage???#or moms with useless husbands???#not saying we are perfect but at least my husband helps as much as he can and i can leave him alone with the baby as long as he has milk#i need to talk with him about this
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I'm not planning on posting any more of fall for your reflection until the fic is completely finished (there's a lot of moving pieces with it atm), but! since chapter 3 already 11.2k! that means either it's going to be a Chonker of a final chapter or I'll split it into two and just double post
#even if I double post they'll still probably be Long chapters#this isn't even counting the 1.3k I cut from the main chapter doc#I kept it! I might post it as an extra on tumblr at some point#but hooo boy that section needed to go#because it was bogging me down as I tried to write#one of those 'you need to go back x number of lines/paragraphs and that's where you need to restart from' things#anyway. now that I'm on break from second-hand alibis for a bit I have time to concentrate on other fics#...even though I should probably work on my big bang some looool#julia writes#fic: fall for your reflection (drown in a dream)#ignis fatuus agelaius
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[guy with chronic pain voice] i should draw pain threshold
#chemi chats#pain thresh save me. save me pain thresh.#its truly like. sure i'll find pleasure in the pain what fucking else are you supposed to do with a life full of constant bodily agony.#the alternative is suffering. the alternative is wallowing in feeling bad and sad all the time and im fucking sick of feeling this way!#so sure! i like the pain actually! whatever!! hurt me more!! bring it on! i'll feel every pain ever whatever! can't get worse than this!#if you completely own it. if you're in pain and you /want/ to be in pain does that lessen the suffering?? does that make it easier to cope?#just some thoughts about him hkjgh i worry for that guy sometimes. chronic pain havers are really going through it.#pain thresh who are your friends in the group? you and endurance are buds probably. empathy maybe? emotional pain </3#oh composure too maybe. buddy you need more friends. its hard to talk to people when you have chronic pain though. like when will you get#tired of me constantly saying ''im in pain''? because even while im holding back the full enormity of my pain i still say it a lot.#its hard to concentrate on other things and good fucking god it hurts; goddamnit you said it out loud again. you need to find friends who#are willing to be patient with you even when you ''complain'' a lot about the same thing all the time. usually other people with pain hgfij#on a secondary adhd note i should absolutely go through bdg's unraveled videos and pick out quotes that fit the skills lmao#pain thresh's is ''hey you know the crash test dummy that we throw against the wall violently? it would be cool IF IT COULD FEEL PAIN''#ency is one of the fun facts from the ''i read every halo novel'' probably hkjh and i could pull something from the sports one for phys?#hkjh anyway thats it folks hkjgh hugs and blowing kisses for everyone
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