#just feels super fucking weird
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#okay no it's not the darkness getting to me there is a real life thing occupying a lot of my brain space#and idk if there's anything to be gained by speaking it out loud into the void but at the moment it's the only thing i Can do#i don't even have to click the 'post' button if i don't want to#but yeah. yesterday got the news that my mom's husband is dying. had a surprise heart attack and he's not gonna make it#just feels super fucking weird#personally i never really liked him at all so it's not like i myself necessarily have to grieve. never was that close with him#but like. oof this is going to be hard for my mom. and i'm super worried about how she's going to survive#but there's nothing to DO about it really. she wanted to have some space to come to terms with this on her own#and she has a strong support network of friends in her city. while i'm on the other side of the country#and don't even know what i could do to help if i was closer to her. i just. like. what can you even do in a situation like this?#just feels weird to Not do anything when i know how huge of an impact this will make for her entire life#she'll probably have to move to a different place too#and there are people there to help her. people with more life experience. people who probably know more about grief than i do#i just. i have no idea how one handles something like this. except for being there for her when asked#do eldest daughters have some sort of universal responsibilities that i'm just not aware of?#it feels kinda horrible how this is constantly circling back to what can *I* do and what must *I* do. how *I* feel#i'd never ever ever make things this much about me in any other setting than my own tumblr blog. in a tag whisper i'm not sure i'll post#but yeah all of this is eating my brain in a very weird way. an odd sort of limbo where it feels like there should be something here#it'd certainly be easier if i had any sort of relationship with the dead person myself. if i had something to grieve myself#now there's just a feeling that something Should be here to feel. and the knowledge of how hard this must be for my mom#ahhhhh idk none of this makes any sense i'm just speaking in circles and everything feels bad#it's bad and horrible and i don't know how to process any of this and i'm stuck in my brain and can't DO anything#there's nothing i can do to help my mom at this exact moment when she wants to be left alone with her thoughts#and i can't do anything else either because all of this feels like a heavy black cloud fogging up my brain#can't concentrate on anything at all today#not fun. not cool#sussitalk
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Do you have anything you've been thinking on but just haven't made a post about it yet? Also I'm really enjoying your fic!
I have a few things but it's likely mostly headcanons that I consider somewhat disconnected from my analysis.
Curly's parents had him old, only child, died shortly after he graduated and got the pony express position. It was the last big thing they saw him do which is a reason he stayed for so long.
Doesn't admit how much their death affected him
Jimmy has a largish family. One of the cases of too many kids to keep tract of, parent never really noticed any of them nor their behaviors
Anya lived in a lot of houses growing up, regular supportive family that just struggled to support themselves.
Became a nurse largely to avoid their financial struggles but mostly because she felt too many people weren't being cared for and advocated for in the world properly
Swansea likes high top sneakers most. Likes how snug they fit and how they shield his ankles at work
Curly has a bit of a caffeine problem since he can’t sleep. Can occasionally be found wandering the ship at “night” when he had some too late or just couldn’t sleep.
Daisuke knows a little about a lot of things. Starts conversations with “did you know” a lot but please don’t ask him deeper questions
Curly has known Jimmy longer but has worked with Anya and Swansea longer, met them during his middle years, met Jimmy shortly before college.
Swansea rents a house, Daisuke’s family lives in a big nice apartment, Curly has a condo, Anya live in a small one bedroom apartment and Jimmy has a studio.
Curly's home is very disconcerting. It's too normal to a like uncanny degree.
Anya is ambidextrous but prefers her left.
Anya and Curly are both not native English speakers so occasionally they forget words and bond over the mutual mocking they get from the rest of the crew. Daisuke knows some Japanese but is still learning, never picked it up as a kid
Only Swansea and Daisuke know how to drive, Earth in my mind is very post capitalist so only older people and like the extremely wealthy can afford cars.
It's also like walkable just due to how many businesses are in your face. Probably strict living vs shopping districts
I have more but the way that I headcanon about them is like too long.
#im still trying to figure out voiceclaims like I think Curly is the most generic lost his accent his accent like swedish or eastern european#guy cause he was raised by old immigrants and anya never had a thick accent but she talks with the cadence of one shes like slavic and east#asian to me. Swansea at most is like irish or italian but just an old white guy and Jimmy just has a bit of olivish skin like hes just whit#i think people should make them all weirder too like I think Anya loves showing the fucked up diagrams and pictures from premed and everyon#has to nod and act super supportive and not horrified cause Anya thats a guy with his leg broken in seven places it is not facinating to th#rest of the crew but she loves it cause fyi to go to med school you have to pass pre-med she has a BA if not a BS in nursing or bio atleast#Swansea randomly talks about shoe politics and its like hes talking about regular politics. Curly doesn't sleep walk but he pauses at weird#times or places and will just stand leave and not tell anyone anything cause even he forgot#Jimmy is himself ig and Daisuke always has some media drama they are too old for to get invested in and teach them about youth slang Anya#kinda gets it#also i think people make Curly and Jimmy way too old? Like In my mind Curly is sorta his late 20s- early 30s like he's in the settling#part of his life hence the fear about settling here anya is likel mid 20s to 30 cause she at least finished college we dont have the years#of how long shes been working and maybe Jimmy is just a bit older and feels weird envy about missing that introspection Curly is having.#Daisuke is like 19-22 in my mind like hes an adult but a kid by their standards#like Curly was recruited and its much easier to get younger people plus getting someone young is a good investment like they either got him#right after school and its like all he's known and it scares him#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#ask#anon
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BURST💥
#get fucked eardrums#first caption i thought of was 'music's too loud' but like it didnt have the punch.#anyways i keep on doing terrible things to this man youre welcome btw#hi fi rush#chai hi fi rush#hi fi rush chai#my art#this is a side comment but i bet chai could still fight to the music even when deaf (temporary or otherwise)#bc im sure he can like Feel the music through his body even when his ears are out of commission#like not only is that the case for a lot of Deaf people in reality but also#as a headcanon i think his player in his chest would let him feel the beat even better so#so i think if this were a permanent thing hed be super bummed and uncomfortable with the silence at the beginning#feeling weirded out by how he has to navigate the world now#but i think he'll adjust and come to terms with it with only mild difficulty#music is still a part of him (literally)#its just different now#(though language is another matter entirely)
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Sorry for kind of insulting you through a children’s book i wrote i hope were still besties
#angry pareos so funny drew like a fucked up and evil version of pareo…. something some thing#finished eveyr ras event besides rhe reitae one on enbandori…. ohhheuheheuheuhruhr#i need to up my roselia rank to read it im so excited. i hope it destroys me#art tag#bandori#masuki satou#reona nyubara#pareo#tagging reona feels os weird like….. thats a different girl#pareos the only member where her band name and actual name feel like two super distinct people#ig chu2 too purely bc shes barely ever called chiyu#rokka kinda but you cant just take off your glasses and let your hair out and be a different person. pareos like an extreme version of that#omg rokka and reona both wear glasses but take them off on stage….. ok enough byebye
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#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this#also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background…#and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids#in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game#the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who#really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks#phantump#HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all#and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible#and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images#i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha#i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said#“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this#and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that#once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine#i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a#script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the#queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them#then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses#because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here#just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially#made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is)#so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened#i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now
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bisexual, but not rly in an "i'm attracted to xyz" way so much as a "whatever the fuck happens, happens" way
#something something abt how sexuality and gender and queerness is 'defined' vs how it's experienced#maybe this is just how my own bisexuality is! idk im a nonbinary guy who's general outlook on life can be summed up as fuck it we ball#i ofc have my preferences and tendencies and attractions but those are broad at best nor am i like. super beholden to them#for instance i'd prefer to date someone who's not cis but if i hypothetically am into a cis person who's chill with my whole Situation-#-then it's like shit. alright!#and obviously anything that's a dealbreaker in a friendship to begin with is also going to be a dealbreaker in a relationship as well#also please don't be weird on this post! this is about my own sexuality and if you relate to it that's epic#but if you don't or otherwise feel the need to 'correct' me on smthin then pls just move on#no i won't shut up#< talking tag#also also its fine to rb this if you want idc
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👁️🦎🎯
(crops under cut)
#natsume yuujinchou#matoba seiji#natori shuuichi#horrible exorcists#sorry i couldnt think of a caption i literally sat here for like 2 minutes lol#usually i use a quote from the scene or a lyric from a song but in this scene they're just Looking#anyway FUCK architecture#really though this is csp's perspective ruler's fault. i shoulda just done this by hand#but i made it work. since it wasnt super super complicated lol#ummm i feel like natori looks like a baby ceo but that is what he was wearing at least in the anime version of this scene#and midorikawa's kind of vague about clothes so i made it easy on myself#but why are you rolling up to the exorcist meeting in a navy blazer and tan chinos?#his uniform color is tan so ig the pants could be from that but the blazer......#tryna represent the natori clan in front of the other exorcists ig idk#meanwhile matobas just in his gakuran lol#hes not the clan head yet so he can just be there as a kid#he even gets told off by takuma and called seiji-kun.....could you imagine like.#it's weird for him to not be matoba#anyway. um i completely kind of fudged the architecture because its hard to tell where exactly in the building this scene is and#i had a specific composition in mind#i only realized i messed up how the windows work like 3/4 of the way into lineart soooo#but thats the kind of thing only i would notice probably#btw i was originally drawing a different scene of them but i was faced with the reality of foliage.#and i remembered this romeo and juliet ass scene existed so#i chose architecture LOL#okay last thing. i feel like natoris haircut is too polished and nice but fr wtf is his canon hair#im doing my best LOL.........but boy#OKAY im done
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Which version of Rick is your fav?
it's so hard for me to choose tbh. HOWEVER, I'd say Evil Rick
then I'd say it's C-137 and Memory Rick
I love how pathetic™ Evil Rick really is tbh. love that he's being controlled by his Morty. can you guess who my favorite Morty is?
#the only reason why Evil is above C-137 and Memory is because#Memory's design is something I don't really like in the style of the show#his fanart makes him look so much cooler but in the show he just looks.. unfinished?#idk it's weird to me. I love him outside of that though#and with C-137. I'M SICK OF HIM LMAO I AM SO SORRY#there are too many fucking episodes dedicated to this man. pushing everyone else aside just to have him yap about his dead wife#I love him so much but there's only so many times we can bring Diane up and not really develop her as a character but rather to boost Rick#and the show is Rick and MORTY yet all I see is Rick 😭😭 don't get me wrong I love this man#I just feel like we know more about Rick than the rest of the family#WHICH IS FINE IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY WERE GOING FOR#and if they wanted to go in that direction so be it! it's fine!#I just feel like he needs less screen time or at least balance episodes among the family#cause even the most recent Morty episode is about Rick. it was so frustrating watching it cause it's literally MORTY'S fear hole experience#yet we're watching Morty's head canons about his grandparents#I also hate the narrative they took with Diane. only ever having Rick talk of her or others bring her up#it just doesn't make her a character but rather an extension off of Rick. that's how I'm feeling rn with the family#they're all just there to prop up Rick or something. super annoying#but that's about it. I'm not gonna continue my rant#unless you want me to?#idk if I even made sense but that's all good#rick and morty#rick and morty fandom#rick#memory rick#evil rick#C-137#Rick Sanchez
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It's been Jack thoughts for some time now....
#me op#doodles#traditional#jack marston#adult jack marston#i feel weird adding that tag. hes jsut a fukcing adult to me but#self ship#oc x cannon#not an oc. just me but. for blog org wahtever. i exsplain this every fucking time#BOY! my mousepad is getting super hard to use!#UGHHHH AND 4TH CURTIS I WAS LISTENING TO 4TH CURTIS#🐄 <- NOT IMMUNE TO 4TH CURTIS#rdr
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i really hate when cis men call me handsome. you do NOT fucking mean that
#i hate anyone assuming i wanna be called handsome just because i'm a trans man. i know what the fuck i look like#and i only trust SOME trans people to call me handsome and genuinely mean it. i don't need forced validation#i think the only people i feel 100% comfortable with and actually flattered by when they call me handsome are lesbians lmao#i literally prefer for people to call me pretty. or just call me attractive or cute or beautiful or sexy or gorgeous or whatever#but i'm a kinda weird-looking androgynous guy with super long hair and clown clothes. ''handsome'' does not suit me#and i highly fucking doubt it's the first adjective that comes to mind when you see me. so if you don't mean it then don't say it
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I dislike takes that Danse would be just as conservative in modernized aus when it's clearly shown his staunch views of things come from his time in the Brotherhood and his deep-rooted desire to belong to something with a greater purpose.
Not to mention lines that show much more open-mindedness that get overlooked for his harsher sentiments when you first meet him. Like the oppurtunity to be a part of something is why Danse fell so far into Brotherhood dogma and it doesn't negate the offense things he does but I feel like it's just lazy to be like "hmmm he'd def be racist" just so it aligns to his BoS beliefs.
#like i genuinely think he would like not fall into the military if he was in modern times because of all the other things he could do#he clearly has a passion for tech and mods and likely would find himself more useful as like a mechanic like at most hes one of those range#types or something but I feel like people equate his seriousness and him being a military man to closemindedness when its like having to ge#a new view point like we really dont know what he believed in before the BoS if he believed in anything at all outside of selling scrap to#survive before basically having an army recruiter have him join one of the scariest factions like why is the BoS so fucking violent???#like the BoS operates in such a way cause there is no civilian population like everyone is something or training to be so they arent really#fighting for anything but themselves at this point which is just a feedback loop of gaining more power and is not equatable to real#military people due to the fact most of the recruits are really born and bred to be soliders while say irl you have a family and country to#fight for and return to outside the military which is def grounding as Danse wouldn't be in the army 24/7 like in canon#idk its odd to me when a character that is has fantastic racism ergo the trope of bigotry to fake races people try to translate it to real#life especially when those races have not equivalent like tell me what is the irl equal to a fucking ghoul or super mutant like????#racism is not like a funny headcanon like making him a defrosting prude or by the book is whatever but he would not be a bigot just like a#narc or some shit hed tell on me for loitering but I know hed tear apart each voting party and likely the military for being self serving#and like knows all about it and it makes him sound like a politics nut but its more annoyance like I have such strong feelings about#characters who would be marginially better if they were not victums to the military like yes I believe we can fix Danse he just needs to#be around not war/the military for like a week and see people be happy existing like he doesnt know how to do that but this is a weird take#ive seen mostly from white fans that makes me super uncomfy like ur weird#anyway still fuck the brotherhood everyone is so rude like damn i know its the east coast but can we get a little hospitality fuck you#maccready was right brotherhood of squeal more like it dont worry porky we'll get you out (danse is porky btw)#fallout#fallout 4#fo4#paladin danse
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I just keep seeing this image of Fabian in my head. This young man who so desperately seek affection and happily soaks up praise–
Standing in a massive empty house. Wandering from room to room. There’s so many rooms. Quietly drinking his milk from a glass he hunted down. He puts himself to bed. This will be the next year of his life.
He’s 18 and he just saved the world. He’s 18 and he killed his father. He’s 18 and he’s so tired. He’s 18 and maybe he deserves a long proper hug from his mom. He’s 18 and he needs to keep smiling as she leaves. (It barely feels like she was here.) He’s 18 and he’s writing his name on the face of the world. He’s 18 and his father would be proud of everything he had done in lieu of his summer vacation. (It’s not what he was worried about.) He’s 18 and he’s his father’s son. He’s 18 and he is his own man. (He was meant to be his mother’s son too.)
He’s 18 and of course none of it hurt. (She said she would start doing better.)
#fhjy spoilers#fabian seacaster#hallariel seacaster#fantasy high angst#everyone go rewatch sophmore year ep 11#1:13:00 and 1:55:00#then rewatch the scene of Hallariel leaving for her honeymoon and feel your heartbreak#its so obvious#that she loves her son#but straight up it feels like she kinda reneged on her subtle promise to do better#is cathilda in Leviathan still? felt weird that Hallariel said the staff was staying but Cathilda was absent#obviously you don’t go from never sober absent mother to being 100% present super attentive with no fuck ups#just like that#but leaving for a year long honeymoon feels like a big thing to just go for without any consideration to the effort she presumably#had been making#so did she never follow through and fabian has resigned himself to this dynamic?#or this just a real fuck up after her trying a lot#idk which one hurts more honestly#both. suck. like a lot.
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dear followers, today i offer you old man yaoi
tomorrow? who knows
#hosea is so trandsgdber to me... idgaf that man is soooo transgender#(i am projecting)#'the 30 year old women on tumblr dot com go crazy when i post old man yaoi'#< real thing i said while drawing this#i had a weird fucked up dream last night#and i think it was because i spent 3 hours straight drawing right before bed#i finished this at literally midnight and i don't feel like going over everything to check for mistakes so please ignore if you see any!! 😝#also ik dutch's hand is super weird looking idk how to fix it and i don't want to 😭#fruit toasts cool art tag btw#sorry y'all i'm just saying shit... i just woke up#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#red dead#red dead redemption#red dead redemption two#hosea matthews#dutch van der linde#vandermatthews#rdr2 dutch#hosea rdr2#dutch rdr2#rdr2 hosea#rdr2 fanart#rdr2 artwork#hosea fucks friday
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so clark and bryce were definitely flirting with each other at every single cornhole competition they went to right
#and bryce was SUPER normal about it#i feel like they both absolutely knew their feelings were requited it’s just that they’re a fucking mess#anyway first pibe drawing :]#i am Not particularly good at art but i did my best and i think it’s cute#yes the proportions are weird we don’t need to talk about it#i’m not 100% satisfied with it but i’m tired of looking at it so it’s fine#also it physically pains me to use their canon names instead of cole (clark) and graham (bryce)#which are the names i gave them due to already being extremely mentally ill about zach and jess characters named clark and brian#but obviously that would not make any sense to anyone but me and my girlfriend#anyway. i luv them#play it by ear#pibe#cornhole in one#zach reino#ross bryant#dropout#mine#art#my art
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I remembered. It was about how I realized my one genuine most pretentious and fucked up trait is that I can't help but judge people based on what they're fascinated by but most importantly WHY it fascinates them. I try to tell myself it's not that deep but I can't help it. I think I'd feel better if I were one of those people that are really judgey on like, appearance or fashion sense or whatever because it's still fucked up but it's like NORMALIZED fucked up. You know what I mean.
#diary#and I feel out of place when I can't relate. even though I know it's ultimately a good thing to not judge others super hard#for what they look like. Cause I'm sure I do it too but I've noticed I care a LOOOOOT less#than the people around me do. And it makes me feel weird.#ALSO IT'S SOOO ANNOYING WHEN LIKE... you say Hey I don't think you should be saying those things#about that person's body/appearance.#then inevitably there's always someone like OHHHH everyone look they're sooo good and moral and above all of us 🙄🤪🤪#when you neverrr fucking said that. Like that's a lot of assumptions you just made
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you know from a PR standpoint Roy having his brand be “asshole who curses a lot” is actually perfect. Because either he’s a dick to a fan, like they’d expect, so who cares or he’d be nice and it’d be a pleasant surprise for them that would make their day.
There’s no big exposé coming about “Roy Kent secretly mean manager” lol
#saw a tik tok about JVN#and how people who make their brands kindness always end up failing#because everyone’s a dick sometimes#and it seems like JVN was mean more than just sometimes#user on TikTok is#oliviastoberstudios#if you want to watch#anyways it made me think of Roy#like you meet Roy and he growls at you or tells you to fuck off you’re like woah he’s just like everyone says!!!!!#or he’s super nice and takes a picture w u or signs something#and it feels like the best day ever#also makes me wonder about Ted if he stayed in a media forward role#he’s going to be a dick publicly sometime#I wonder how people would react#I also think this weird Ted persona has helped Jason through the drama of the last year#but weirdly if he ever does anything actually bad#people are going to be pissed#ted lasso#roy kent
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