#i said this before but now that im out of school all i want to do is DRAWWWWW
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winter clothes :p
#i said this before but now that im out of school all i want to do is DRAWWWWW#drawing all day everyday#anyways#yttd#kimi ga shine#your turn to die#kgs#yttd fanart#your turn to die fanart#kanna kizuichi#kanna yttd#sara chidouin#yttd sara
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𓆝..°°𓈒 ⋆ (필릭스) : REMEMBER THIS SUMMER "SUNDAY"
𓆉 °°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・ synopsis felix is living the summer every teenager dreams of, with a perfect beach house on the east coast of australia and an even more perfect girlfriend. by taking the best of both worlds, felix invites her to experience the world he grew up in to make this the best summer ever. amidst bonfires, romantic sunsets, and seagulls, felix has one goal this summer: to finally tell her he loves her. with just one week to do so, felix is met with a challenge to make his feelings known before time runs out.
pairing: nonidol!felix x fem!reader, series warnings: felix + reader are intended to be 17-18, established relationship, fluff, roughhousing (playfully) important notes: The content of this work is purely fictional and is not intended to endorse or encourage any behavior, especially among minors, that may be deemed inappropriate or unsafe. This story is created solely for entertainment purposes and should be understood as fiction.
heyaaa im so happy to finally post this first chapter! im currently craving summer so bad since i live in canada so hopefully this helps to mimic the feeling :( but in honor of it being officially summer in australia here's a fic! please take some time to read the series masterlist as well! enjoy!
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chapter under the cut! ~5k words
sunday (day 1) - 6:00pm
“wake up, sleepyhead.” a deep voice broke through your dreams. a voice more familiar than your own heartbeat. in the midst of your slumber, a hand that belonged to said voice, gripped your arm and shook you vigorously. “i have something to show you.” the shaking became more insistent.
you groaned, consciousness slowly seeping back in as the world around you began to sharpen. you began to feel the material of the hammock beneath you and the gentle sway that earlier lulled you into deep sleep. but then, there was something else. a cold sensation, as if something was dripping on your neck and shoulders. you scrunched your face and slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the brightness.
as your eyelids fluttered open, leaning over you was your boyfriend, casting a shadow to block the evening sun from your face. this was the same boy you had known since middle school, back when he was a short, lanky kid with a smattering of freckles across his nose. now, here he was, grown out of puberty which made his features more defined but still holding that boyish charm you had fallen in love with.
as much as you were happy to see him, he had woken you from a sleep so deep you wouldn't have been able to hear an atomic bomb if it had gone off. not to mention, you were in the middle of a dream—quite a scary one where a rabid, 20 foot bear was chasing you. you were half glad to be snapped out of that nightmare, but the other part of you was decidedly groggy.
“what do you want,” you mumbled with a rasp in your voice while rubbing your eyes to better your vision. then it all came together. your boyfriend, with his stupidly long wet hair, was towering over you. “felix.” you whined.
his face lit up with sudden realisation as he looked down at himself, noticing the trail of salt water he had been inadvertently dripping all over your shirt. “oh, sorry.” felix flashed you a bashful smile before turning away from you to dry his hair with the towel hanging around his neck.
you sighed heavily, reluctantly swinging your legs over the side of the hammock and feeling the hot sand beneath your feet. you took this moment to glance towards the ocean, where the sun was approaching its horizon, then you looked over at felix, who was scrunching his hair dry. water droplets clung to his newly tanned skin as he was probably out surfing beforehand. you had only arrived at the beach house a couple of hours ago and the first thing felix did after unpacking was drag you out to the shore to surf. while he eagerly plunged into the waves, you had opted to watch him from the hammock since you were far too tired after a 3 hour drive from sydney.
once he was done with his hair, he hung the towel on the tree supporting your hammock and turned back to you with a smile. “you’ve been out for the past hour, sleepyhead,” he teased.
“you really didn’t have to wake me up,” you retorted, looking up at him.
felix chuckled, shaking his head. “it’s already 6:00 pm. you wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight if you took such a long nap,” he said, his tone gentle.
you sighed, knowing he was probably right. "fine," you conceded, standing up and stretching your arms. "what’s this amazing thing you need to show me?”
oh how he loved that question.
“remember that seagull’s nest we saw while i was giving you a tour around the house?” he asked with that mischievous smile you knew far too well.
“yes?” you replied, raising an eyebrow and extending the word sceptically.
“i think i saw some eggs in there,” he said, his eyes wide with excitement.
“really?” you exclaimed, your eyes widening and your lips curving into a smile.
“i’m certain,” he replied, taking your hand. “come on!”
you stood up from the hammock, which let out a soft squeak in protest. slipping on your sandals, you slid your arm under his and locked them together. you smiled up at him, and he chuckled at your reaction. your friends back in school often told you that you and felix were children snuck in a teenager’s body. there were often times where you two would get excited or laugh over the littlest things.
“so now you’re all jolly,” he teased. “a few seconds ago you looked like you wanted me dead for waking you up from your beauty sleep.”
you gazed upward in thought before speaking, “well that was until you mentioned the seagulls.”
felix scoffed and shook his head, a playful smirk on his lips, before reaching up to ruffle your hair. you and felix continued to chat about random things as you walked, the sky gradually darkened with each passing minute. as you neared the beach house, felix glanced up at the roof. his eyes sparkled with curiosity, the fading light casting soft shadows across his face.
“i’m sure you won’t be able to see it well from here. let me give you a lift,” he said.
you opened your mouth to protest, but before you could get a word out, felix was already crouching down in front of you. did he really expect you to sit on his shoulders? the last time you tried something like this, it was in the school hallway, and it ended with both of you making a not-so-graceful visit to the nurse's office.
“are you serious?” you asked, incredulous, remembering the chaos of that day. “you’re not gonna ram me into something again, are you?”
felix just grinned down at you, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “come on, that was one time. what’s the worst that could happen right now?” he teased. with a dramatic sigh and a roll of your eyes, you carefully climbed onto his shoulders, letting out a yelp as he stood up, lifting you high into the air. “i got you,” felix reassured you with hands firmly holding onto your legs as you rested your hands on his head, feeling his soft blond locks between your fingers.
you gently pushed on your boyfriend’s head to steady yourself and extend your view, peering over the edge of the roof. there, nestled in the corner, was a nest. however, it wasn’t the typical bowl-shaped nest you remembered from childhood cartoons; instead, it was a haphazard construction of twigs and branches.
then, you saw them—three large, spotted eggs nestled snugly in the centre of the nest. your breath caught in your throat at the sight.
“do you see them?” felix asked, moving closer to the roof so you could get a better view.
“yeah! they’re quite big!” you exclaimed. “how did you even know they were here? you’re surely not very tall,” you teased with a grin.
“i will drop you,” he threatened in a half-serious tone.
“you wouldn't dare,” you lectured.
“i saw a seagull nesting here earlier,” he replied, addressing the real question.
“hold on,” you said, fishing out your tiny digital camera from the pocket of your jean shorts. your mom had owned that camera since before you were born, and it took the nicest pictures. you already carried it around with you everywhere. it was part of the reason you always chose to wear pants with pockets in the mornings. you snapped a picture of the eggs and handed the camera to felix, knowing he was just as eager to see.
“wow, look at that!” he said, chuckling as he admired the photo.
“we’ve got to name them,” you declared suddenly.
felix raised an eyebrow. “name the eggs?”
“of course! they can’t just be nameless.”
felix laughed, shaking his head. “alright, what are we naming them?”
you looked at the eggs thoughtfully. “how about alvin, simon, and theodore? trust me, i can remember which one is which,”
suddenly, in the blink of an eye, a seagull glided by right beside you, slicing through the air with a loud squawk. its wing grazed your arm as it flew so close that your heart leapt in surprise. startled, felix lost his balance, and both of you tumbled to the ground with a soft thud, cushioned by the sand. you swore you could see the concern washed over felix’s face.
“are you okay?” he asked immediately, his voice filled with worry.
in the moment, you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. “yeah, are you?” you replied between giggles.
he broke into a smile and nodded, then glanced over at the seagull, which had settled protectively over her eggs. “i know you’re a good mom,” felix remarked, “but we,” he pointed between the two of you, “we come in peace!”
just then, your ears perked up at the creak of the back door opening and both your heads turned simultaneously toward the sound. you saw a sandal step onto the deck, followed by another. it was felix’s mom, flashing a big smile and wearing a beautiful blue floral dress that flowed gracefully like waves rippling on a serene lake, catching the light of the evening sun.
“hey, lovebirds!” she called out with a warm smile, her voice carrying the kind of pitch that made you feel instantly at home. “what are you two up to?”
“just making friends with the local wildlife,” he joked, then grinned and motioned toward the seagull on the roof with a nod of his head. his mom looked where he pointed and sighed. felix chuckled, standing up and brushing his hands together before extending one to you.
“that seagull has eggs in her nest!” you exclaimed, your eyes wide with excitement. you turned to felix’s mom, practically bouncing like a little girl. “isn’t that amazing?”
felix chuckled at your enthusiasm, and his mom cooed, her eyes softening with affection. “that’s wonderful. well come eat, darling, felix's dad is making dinner.”
he helped you to your feet, and together you walked toward the beach house. as you approached, the aroma of grilled food wafted through the air, seasoned with a mix of mouth watering herbs and spices. stepping inside, you were greeted by the cool, refreshing breeze of air conditioning which was a delightful contrast to the heat outside.
felix’s beach house was gorgeous. large windows let the last rays of sunlight stream in, casting a warm glow over the room. the wooden ceiling and numerous plants added a rustic charm, making the place feel incredibly inviting. you slipped off your sandals, feeling the coolness of the floor beneath your feet. with felix still holding your hand, you made your way to the dining room table and both sat down beside each other.
the scents from the kitchen mingled in the air—the smoky tang of the grill, the rich aroma of seasoned vegetables, and the faint sweetness of something baking.
a few moments later, his mother joined you, carrying a bowl of fresh berries. "here you go," she said with a warm smile, setting the bowl down. "dinner will be ready in just a minute."
“thank you,” you replied.
“thanks, mum,” felix added, taking a strawberry from the bowl. he held it to your mouth, and you opened up, taking it with a playful smile. you felt the moist water from the freshly washed fruit on your lip as you gently parted them, felix’s finger lightly brushing against your mouth.
his mother, however, seemed preoccupied with something else. her gaze shifted to the floor, and her brows furrowed. “felix, you have to stop bringing sand into the house. it’s very unclean,” she scolded gently.
felix followed her gaze, looking down sheepishly at the trail of sand he had inadvertently tracked in from the beach. his face flushed slightly. “sorry,” he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. “i’ll clean it up.”
his mother sighed, her features softening into a smile. “it’s fine, just try to be more careful next time,” she said, her tone more forgiving. she glanced at the bowl of fruit and then back at you and felix, “now, enjoy the fruit. dinner will be ready soon.”
his mother then stood up and headed to the kitchen where her husband was. felix grabbed two blueberries and popped them into his mouth before pulling out his phone, clicking on his browser app.
"whatcha looking up?" you asked, curious.
"just checking something," he said, typing. the search bar read, how long does it take for seagull eggs to hatch? "up to three weeks?!" he read aloud. "you’re only staying for another week. what if they don’t hatch by the time you’re gone?"
you shrugged, having no solution up your sleeve, "i guess you’ll just have to send me pictures."
"but i can't reach my phone up there. who am i gonna carry on my back when you're not here?" felix pouted, his lips curling into a slight frown as he glanced out the window where the seagulls often flew by.
"i'm sure you have a perfectly sturdy ladder in the garage," you replied.
felix shook his head, his expression turning serious. "i'm scared of ladders," he confessed, his eyes wide with genuine concern. the room seemed to grow quieter as he spoke, his voice breaking the stillness.
you burst out laughing, the sound echoing off the walls. "really?" you asked.
he nodded solemnly, the seriousness of his face contrasting with your laughter. "yep. i’m much more comfortable with you on my shoulders," he said.
"well, i guess you'll have to face your fears or find another way," you teased back, a mischievous glint in your eye. "maybe you can make a deal with the mama."
felix laughed, the sound warm and infectious. "yeah, i'll negotiate with her. she could let me borrow her babies for a quick photo op."
you chuckled at the thought. "after she literally made us tumble over each other today," you reminded him, recalling the earlier incident with said seagull.
his eyes suddenly widened, as if a bright lightbulb had illuminated over his head. “you know, we could build a pulley system with a basket. you get in the basket, and i pull you up to the roof so you can install one of my old security cameras.”
you gave him a sceptical look, the idea sounding ridiculous. “felix, that sounds like something out of a cartoon. how about this? we train a squirrel to climb up there and take the pictures for us.”
felix laughed again, the sound blending with the gentle hum of the ceiling fan above. “and you say i sound like a cartoon?”
“okay, what else then?" you prompted.
"what if i just get a selfie stick?” he suggested, winking with a spark in his eyes.
“that’s actually not a bad idea,” you said, considering it.
felix grinned, clearly pleased with himself. “see? i'm coming up with some solid plans here.”
"maybe you are," you admitted, giving him a playful nudge with your shoulder.
then, from the kitchen, his father's voice called out, "dinner's ready!"
sunday (day 1) - 9:00pm
you were washing the last of the dishes, the gentle hum of the evening settling around you. the soft clinking of plates and the distant sound of waves created a soothing background melody. felix stood next to you, his hands drying and stacking the clean dishes. as you glanced out the window, the vibrant hues of the setting sun caught your eye. the sky was a stunning canvas of oranges, pinks, and purples, each colour blending seamlessly into the next. it was one of those moments that felt almost magical, as if the universe had painted the sky just for you.
“look, felix! the sunset!” you exclaimed, your voice filled with awe.
felix turned his head, his eyes widening at the sight of the breathtaking sunset. the golden light bathed his face, casting a warm, ethereal glow that seemed to accentuate every detail of his features. you found yourself staring, mesmerised by how the sunlight danced on his skin, highlighting the sharp contours of his jawline and the subtle curve of his lips. the light caught in his eyes, making them sparkle with a deep, captivating intensity that seemed to draw you in.
“it’s beautiful.” he smiled softly, his voice a deep rumble that broke through your daze.
you realised you had been staring too long, caught up in the mesmerising sight of him bathed in the sunset's golden light. quickly, you looked away, feeling a blush creep up your cheeks. you cleared your throat, trying to regain your composure. “we should go outside. are you done?”
felix glanced at the dishes, then back at you. “yeah,” he replied instantly, drying the last spoon with a flourish before placing it neatly on the rack.
you grabbed his wrist, your excitement bubbling over. “come on, let’s go!” you urged with a small squeal. felix chuckled, allowing himself to be pulled along as you both slipped on your shoes by the back door. the moment your feet hit the cool wood of the porch, the chilly evening breeze kissed your skin, carrying the fresh scent of sea.
as you stepped outside, the beauty of the scene before you took your breath away. felix stood beside you, his presence warm and comforting. you glanced at him, catching the awe in his eyes as he took in the breathtaking view. the fading light outlined his silhouette, making him look almost otherworldly in the twilight glow.
“race you to the shore!” you burst out suddenly. without another word, you sprinted down the wooden steps of the porch, your bare feet hitting the cool sand as you made a beeline for the beach. your laughter rang out, mixing with the soothing sound of the waves crashing against the shore. the sand was soft beneath your feet, each step feeling like gentle feathers as you ran.
felix wasn’t far behind, his footsteps quick and sure as you could hear him closing the gap. just as you reached the firmer, wet sand near the water’s edge, felix caught up. with a swift motion, he wrapped his strong arms around your waist, lifting you off the ground. you let out a loud squeal, your heart racing with excitement and happiness.
he spun you around, the world becoming a blur of colours—orange, pink, purple, and blue—as the sky and ocean seemed to merge into one stunning panorama. the cool breeze whipped through your hair, and you could feel the warmth of felix’s hands on your sides, grounding you in the moment. when he set you down gently on the sand, your legs felt like jelly from the sprinting.
breathing heavily, you both collapsed onto the sand, sitting side by side, facing the horizon. the sky was a masterpiece, with deep purples and rich blues blending seamlessly with the fiery oranges and soft pinks of the sunset. the water mirrored this stunning array of colours, creating a dazzling display that seemed to stretch infinitely before you. the waves glowed with the reflected light, each crest catching a hint of the vibrant sky, creating a dance of colours on the water's surface.
the air was cool and crisp, filled with the salty tang of the sea and the earthy scent of the sand. the distant call of seagulls and the soft whisper of the wind were the only sounds, adding to the serene atmosphere.
“this is perfect,” you whispered, leaning against felix. his warmth was comforting as he wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer, the faint scent of his cologne lingering.
“yeah,” he agreed, his voice soft. “it really is.”
as you both sat in comfortable silence, the world seemed to pause for a moment. the gentle waves lapping at the shore and the soft rustling of leaves in the breeze were the only sounds, creating a peaceful lullaby that surrounded you. in the distance, a group of seagulls caught your eye. their silhouettes were stark against the colourful sky, their graceful flight patterns mesmerising as they dipped and dove over the calm water.
a mischievous grin spread across your face as you turned your gaze to felix. “which one do you think knocked up the seagull?” you asked, barely able to keep a straight face.
felix's eyes widened in horror. “oh my gosh, you freak!” he exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief while laughing. “you can't just say things like that!”
you laughed along with him, the sound echoing across the quiet beach. “you know for a fact that you're even worse than me,” you teased, nudging him playfully with your shoulder.
"you know, i still can't believe we have the house to ourselves for a whole week," felix murmured, his voice a low, warm rumble that made your heart skip a beat. the reality of being alone together, with no one else around, felt surreal.
"me neither," you replied, your voice barely a whisper. felix chuckled softly, the sound resonating through your chest and making you feel a pleasant warmth spread from your heart. "what?" you asked, a smile tugging at your lips as you looked up into his eyes. they were sparkling with mischief, a clear sign that he was thinking about something unorthodox.
"nothing," he said, shaking his head, his smile widening. you knew exactly what he was thinking about.
"oh my gosh, felix, stop it," you groaned, rolling your eyes. the things he could come up with were always so unexpected, yet so typical of him.
he laughed harder. "i didn't say anything!" he protested, grinning from ear to ear.
"you're such a freak," you teased, playfully pushing him in the chest. the contact was light, your fingers brushing against his soft skin, but it felt like an electric current passing between you.
felix pushed back gently, his touch light and teasing. "you're the one thinking weird things. you made the seagull joke too. i never said anything!" his grin was infectious, and you found yourself laughing along with him.
shaking your head, you couldn't help but smile. "i can't believe your parents are trusting you with the house for a whole week," you said.
felix placed his hand on his chest in mock offence, his expression exaggerated. "hey!" he exclaimed. "i'll have you know i'm very responsible. plus," he added, leaning in closer, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, "i've got to make sure you have the best time ever."
his parents were leaving the next evening to visit new zealand for the summer. they decided to stay at the beach house for a day before their departure because it was conveniently close to the airport. his parents were going abroad for a week to attend a friend's wedding in thailand, initially leaving felix alone until he decided to invite you. it was special to him that you were here, sharing this beloved part of his life as it gave him a chance to create new memories with a girl that meant so much to him.
felix threw his head back, eyes lighting up as he gazed at the night sky, dotted with countless stars. "there's so much i want to show you," he said. the beach was like his second home, a place where he had spent every summer since he was born. this place was filled with memories of salty breezes, endless days under the sun, and nights spent stargazing. for felix, this beach house wasn't just a summer retreat; it was a treasure trove of cherished moments.
you smiled and squeezed his hand. "and i can't wait to see everything," you replied.
he squeezed your hand back, a broad smile spreading across his face. "you're going to love it," he promised. "there's this hidden cove i found last year, and we have to watch the sunrise from the cliff. it's the best view in the world." his eyes sparkled with the same wonder and awe he must have felt when he first discovered these places. "oh, and we can go paddleboarding! the water is so clear, you can see all the way to the bottom!"
"wow, you really have everything planned out, huh?" you teased, raising an eyebrow. "it's like you're my personal tour guide or something."
felix paused, a slightly sheepish look crossing his face. he scratched the back of his head, a small, nervous laugh escaping his lips. "well, i guess i am," he admitted, looking down for a moment before meeting your gaze. "i just... i really want this week to be special. you mean a lot to me. it's not every day i get to show someone my secret spots," he said, a playful glint returning to his eyes.
“you’re such a sap.”
“only for you,” he replied, his tone as light as a feather.
you then found yourself gazing into his eyes, losing yourself in the depths of the beautiful brown shade. the rich, warm colour was captivating, reflecting the soft glow of the fading sunset. his eyes seemed to hold an entire world of emotion, and in that moment, you felt like you could see into his soul. your eyes trailed down to his lips, noticing how soft and inviting they looked. he shuddered slightly under your gaze, his breath hitching as he felt the intensity of your stare. his eyes flickered to your lips as well, and then back to your eyes, silently seeking permission. when he saw that your eyes remained locked onto his lips, without another word, he leaned in, closing the distance between you.
as your lips touched, a gentle breeze swept over you both, carrying the salty scent of the ocean and the faint fragrance of blooming flowers from the nearby dunes. the cool air contrasted sharply with the warmth radiating from felix's skin, sending a shiver down his spine and giving him goosebumps over his bare torso. the sensation of his warm skin under your fingers was electrifying, sending a tingle through your body.
you pulled away slightly, resting your forehead against his, feeling his breath mingle with yours in the small space between you. felix smiled softly, his eyes full of tenderness, before leaning in to kiss you again. this time, the kiss was deeper, more intense, and his hand reached up to cup your face as if you were the most fragile and precious thing on earth. his thumb gently caressed your cheek, the touch so light and tender that it sent a thrill through you.
you couldn't help but bring your own hand up to tangle in his hair, the soft strands slipping through your fingers like silk. the sensation was soothing, grounding you in the moment. as you pressed closer, the warmth of his body against yours felt comforting and exhilarating all at once. in a playful move, you pushed felix back onto the sand which made him let out a surprised "oof,"
climbing on top of him, your bodies fit together perfectly, as if they were made for each other. you continued to kiss him, your lips moving in sync. felix brought his hands up to your waist, his fingers pressing lightly into your skin, sending a delightful shiver through you, his touch both gentle and possessive.
just then, a loud squawk from the seagulls broke the spell. the birds, perhaps sensing the intimate moment, seemed to call out in a raucous chorus, as if interrupting the two of you. you couldn't help but stop and giggle, the sound bubbling up from deep within you. felix's eyes softened, gazing at you with pure love. at that moment, he swore you were the most precious thing in the world. the way your laughter lit up your face, the crinkle of your eyes, and that adorable squeak—it all made you you.
“you're so cute," he blurted.
surprised by his words, you looked at him with raised eyebrows. "where did that come from?" you asked, a smile playing on your lips. your laughter had left a soft flush on your cheeks, making you look even more radiant in the fading light.
felix's eyes softened, gazing at you with pure love. he blushed, a bashful smile spreading across his face as he buried it in the crook of your neck, trying to hide his embarrassment.
you looked down at him, confused. "felix, what are you doing?"
he pulled back slightly, meeting your gaze again. "i don’t know i just—i think i..." he began but didn't finish. the words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken emotion. he wanted to tell you how deeply he felt, how much you meant to him. he wanted to say it, but those three short words got caught in his throat.
"you what?" you prompted gently, your eyes searching his.
felix hesitated, his lips parting slightly as if trying to find the right words. but instead of speaking, he leaned in and kissed you again. you laughed softly against his mouth, your hands resting on his chest and as you pulled away, a mischievous glint danced in your eyes. felix looked at you with curiosity, propping himself up on his forearms as you climbed off him. "where are you going?" he asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
without a word, you began to take off a layer of clothing, tossing it onto the sand until you were left in your bikini, letting the cool evening breeze brushed against your skin. "come on!" you called out, dashing toward the water, the sand cool and soft under your feet.
felix's eyes widened in surprise before a grin spread across his face. he quickly scrambled to his feet and chased after you, swiftly pulling his hoodie off. the water was warm, heated by the day's sun and retaining its gentle warmth even as night fell.
felix reached you just as you splashed him playfully, the water catching the light from the moon and the stars above, casting a shimmering glow around you. he laughed, wiping the water from his face. with a quick move, he scooped you up in a bridal style carry, his strong arms holding you securely against his chest.
you squealed as he threw you into the water, the water enveloping you completely and you were submerged. for a moment, everything around you was muffled and you could taste the salt water you accidentally swallowed.
"felix, ow," you hissed as you came back up, brushing your hair out of your face, water droplets clinging to your skin as you held your arm.
panic flashed across his face, his eyes widening as he waded towards you. "oh my goodness, are you okay?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.
unable to hold back your smile any longer, you lunged at him, causing him to lose his balance. you both tumbled into the warm water with a big splash. felix surfaced, shaking his head and laughing as he realised you had been faking.
"oh, you are so done!" he exclaimed, grabbing you around the waist and pulling you into him. you both fell again and created a huge splash in the water, your laughter echoing in the nighttime air.````
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❆ 𝐠𝐲𝐮𝐛𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 : 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬! ❆ | 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐮 - 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 <𝟑
❆ 𝑑𝑎𝑦 11: christmas movie marathon | b.sk
a/n: welcome to day 11! i hope you've liked the series so far 💗 only two more to go!
word count: 1k contents: seungkwan x gn!reader , established relationship , movie marathon , seungkwan loves vanessa hudgens because i love her , im making them watch princess switch because i CAN , fluff , arguing over ridiculous plot points
"i am so ready to sleep for the rest of the weekend," seungkwan yawns as he dries the last plate and puts it away. "this week has been so exhausting."
"but we planned the movie marathon for tonight!" you suddenly remember. "you can't sleep today, unfortunately."
"can't we just do it tomorrow?" seungkwan groans loudly, flopping onto the ground for dramatic effect.
"i planned everything out though," you pout, knowing that it was seungkwan's weakness. but when even that didn't seem to convince him, you decided to pull out the big guns.
"alright, i guess we just won't see vanessa hudgens' performance in the movie then," you sigh, feigning disappointment.
at the mention of vanessa hudgens, seungkwan instantly rises from the floor to hold you by the hand and drag you to the living room.
"we're watching that movie. put it on," he declares, expression solemn, and you can't help but let out a laugh at seeing how quickly his mind changed.
you turn on the TV and open Netflix to find the movie while simultaneously snuggling up in seungkwan's side, the two of you covered by a blanket to keep you warm.
seungkwan's hand finds yours naturally under the blanket, and you smile to yourself.
—
when you said vanessa hudgens, seungkwan was expecting a great film like tick, tick boom, or even high school musical.
the princess switch was neither.
it wasn't a terrible movie; it had all the necessary plot points needed for a good christmas movie—love, joy, healing, and the value of family.
but seungkwan really just can't get past one thing.
"how did kevin not know that it wasn't stacy?" he exclaims. "he's her best friend!"
"margaret looks exactly like stacy!" you point out. "there's a reason their plan worked."
"but it's- it doesn't even make sense," seungkwan points at the screen, where the movie is paused at the end credits. "i get that prince edward didn't realize that stacy wasn't margaret, but kevin should have known!"
"it's just a movie seungkwan," you sigh. "did you really not like it at all?"
seungkwan can see how your face fell a little with his constant bickering over insignificant plot details, and he felt a little bad. he leans back into the couch to take you in his arms.
"of course not, it is vanesa hudgens after all," he shakes his head. "i loved the movie. i don't know why the plot seemed so absurd to me when i've literally watched the kissing booth."
both of you shudder at the name of the movie, recollecting just how bad that actually was.
"anyways, if you're really feeling tired, we can just stop here for the night," you suggest, noticing how seungkwan's eyes were drooping halfway through the movie.
"wait, there's more?" seungkwan asks, not expecting a continuation to the first movie.
"yeah, it's a whole trilogy," you smile as you explain. "and guess what? they have a third twin too. well, triplet, i guess, but you know what i mean."
"you're telling me there's three vanessa hudgens in the movie?" seungkwan raises an eyebrow, barely holding back the celebrity crush in his tone. "yeah, we're watching all three movies right now."
before you start up the next movie in the series, seungkwan quickly heads over to the kitchen to make some popcorn and fetch the huge tub of ice-cream you bought from the store for the two of you to share.
"you got cookies 'n cream?" seungkwan called out from the kitchen, and you could already hear the complaint in his voice. "you know i like butterscotch more!"
"well, i wanted cookies 'n cream," you answer, laughing at seungkwan's grumbling. "this is revenge for when you stuffed the entire freezer full of butterscotch ice-cream and didn't let me buy cookies 'n cream till all of it was over."
seungkwan magically appears next to you then, popcorn and ice-cream carefully balanced in his arms.
"in my defense, i was going through long-distance friendship with vernon," seungkwan mumbles, setting the bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table and handing you a spoon for the ice-cream. "i needed the ice-cream to deal with the heartbreak." you laugh to yourself, remembering the time seungkwan's best friend, vernon, had gone on a two-week holiday, leaving seungkwan to work alone at the bakery they owned together.
"he was gone for two weeks," you roll your eyes jokingly. "you were just sad because you wouldn't have anyone to bother while you were at work."
"stop attacking me like that! i'm your boyfriend!" seungkwan nags, and you give him a short kiss to placate him. he immediately breaks into a smile, and you giggle at how much of a drama queen he is.
due to seungkwan's impatience, the next movie is loaded up, and your boyfriend is much more invested in the movie this time. you watch with an amused smile as he keeps his eyes trained on the screen, shoving spoons of ice-cream in his mouth while yelling at characters when they do stupid things.
before you know it, the credits of the third movie is rolling and you didn't even realize that you'd just stared at seungkwan the entire time. you grow flustered when he turns to face you and says, "that ending was amazing, right?"
you nod in agreement, not even having the slightest idea of what the ending was. "it was really good. i told you that you'd like it."
"yeah, i guess you were right," seungkwan admits, leaning back on the couch. both of you look down at the half-empty tub of ice-cream sitting between you two, and think the same thought. seungkwan is the one who says it loud.
"should we finish it? or save it for later?"
"yeah, we're finishing it now," you grin excitedly, already digging your spoon back into the tub.
(the night is spent discussing movies and fangirling over various actors, and you fall in love with seungkwan a little bit more with every passing second.
you can only wish for the two of you to spend many more nights like this as your heart melts like the cookies 'n cream ice-cream you two share on the couch.)
- fin.
divider made by @bernardsbendystraws !
main taglist: @min-imum @sousydive @livelaughloveseventeen @unlikelysublimekryptonite @theidontknowmehn
@baseball-dokyeom @t-102 @aaa-sia @cixrosie @4shypotato
series taglist in comments!
comment on this post to be tagged on the upcoming fics!
head to the series masterlist - here <3
head to the masterlist for more!
#gyubakeries <3#mansaenetwork#seventeen#seventeen fluff#seventeen imagines#seventeen drabbles#seventeen x reader#svt#svt fluff#svt imagines#svt drabbles#svt x reader#seungkwan#boo seungkwan#seungkwan fluff#seungkwan drabbles#seungkwan imagines#seungkwan x reader
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Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?
i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!
#snap chats#WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something#and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die#which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore#because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot#so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books#but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally#on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes#thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted#and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP#wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform#and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED#it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw#ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then#BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK
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community college is so funny because half of the teachers are like "For this class you need to use lockdown browser for all quizzes and tests. You need to buy this 70 dollar textbook, and all papers turned in must be in APA format with a title page even if they're only 500 words long. I will not accept late assignments. Also you have a minimum of 4 assignments a week." and the other half are like "you don't need proctoring for the final exam I trust you. here's a download link to a pirated copy of the textbook. as long as your writing is coherent and demonstrates an understanding of the material I literally could not care less what format you use. I can't figure out how canvas works so I'm not giving you due dates, just make sure it's turned in before the grading period ends. your only weekly assignment is a forum post with a minimum of 100 words."
#my favorite teacher so far is still the film history professor I had in my first semester.#he was very old and didn't understand how canvas worked at all and sometimes had trouble opening a video file#but simultaneously he was tech literate enough to recommend we use firefox with an ad blocker#because whenever someone missed class and was like 'where do i go to find the movie' he'd be like 'use an ad blocker and google it'#he said the school made him stop emailing links to free movie sites because people would open them on chrome with no ad block#and there'd be borderline malware on them. like this guy gave me the impression he was like. a veteran movie pirate lol.#that class had barely any assignments. like there wasn't a final exam or anything.#he just wanted us to write a paragraph or so answering a few questions about the movies we watched. it was chill.#and i also learned a lot actually. like i didn't know what a nickelodeon was before then. or the Hays Code.#the movies were genuinely good. i never thought Id be that into old black and white movies or westerns for example but they actually slapped#some of them had really mature themes and i definitely started to understand the people on this website who are like#'if the only media you consume is children's media you should maybe branch out instead of calling steven universe problematic'#because a lot of the movies we watched depicted very 'problematic' things and were able to directly address them because they are for adults#(to clarify I didn't just like kids media before then. i just mean that it introduced me to some older stuff i didn't think I'd like)#(but i ended up liking a lot. it also made me realize that movies made today are kind of shit. which i also already knew)#(but it put it more into perspective because I have more to compare it to)#im rambling now. community college is pretty swag i enjoy it. and i do get along with the teachers who have crazy requirements too lol.
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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incomprehensible yap in the tags tldr im just not doing well i guess
#text#i miss my weed + benadryl + ibuprofen + occasionally valium days (1 year ago) thatwas so much more awesome#i used to use benadryl n valium to sleep but i ran out of the former n could barely sleep for days so i stole some from . costco .#of all places😭#but id built up an intolerance i guess cause it stopped working At All i cld take like 3 times the amount i used to and nothing wld happen#since then my sleep schedule has Kind Of fixed itself since im in school now n have to wake up before the ass crack of dawn#its just better tho not awesome#n lately its been worse again all of a sudden#ive been having nightmares n less sleep n ive been rlly out of it during the day#in a lot of pain also <3 i love not going to the doctor out of fear and self medicating with caffeine and ludicrous amnts of ibuprofen#i think i might have built up an intolerance to that too lately its barely helped#but i do mean Ludicrous i went thru one of those big bottles(500 tablets) in less than 2 months#im aware it's bad and not healthy for me but like theres nothing else i can Do#theres no cure or catchall treatment plan for cloves syndrome#and it gets worse over time and Brouther Its Been Worse#so yay i will be in horrible pain for the rest of my short little life <3 im just trying to make it as better as i can#ive said all this before probably but im upset again#ive been rly fucking suicidal lately n ive been meaning to tell one of my teachers or my counselor but i know for sure theyll tell my mom#and that wont help at all#i Dont want to kill myself i just dont want to be in pain im so so sick of the pain and no one seems to understand
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lying on my bed at 6pm bc it's finally the weekend and the last two weeks have been some bullshit
#the first week of September not only did i have a cold but i was also in a mad frenzy to mail my grad school application to korea#within the VERY short window in which they accept them#and i had to run all over while I was sick (I wore a mask everywhere believe me I did not WANT to go out) for a day to get it done#and it was sooooooo expensive to mail quickly hoooolllyyyy shit#i had a friend over last weekend which was fun but exhausting#then sunday night after a relaxing day i check the tracking link for my application papers and it said they couldn't deliver it#but there were 2 updates one said the address was wrong one said they couldn't get access to the building to deliver#SO ANYWAY I freaked out and didn't know what to do and by time I put my phone away and went to bed it was sooooo late#and I spent Monday/Tuesday being worried 24/7 and going back and forth between the university and UPS on email/phone to get it sorted#thank god I got a delivery notification super late on Tuesday before I went to bed and the school updated my application by Weds am#so I can sleep in peace for now#but ......god#why does the plot always have to be thick like pleaseeee#so anyway Im taking this weekend to rest and recharge#my friend sent me a gift box from lush to make me feel better and I WILL be using it🥹#I plan to relax and plan my korea trip and sleep a lot this weekend tbh#also i get paid today yayyy#haven't posted a long personal vent in awhile figured it was time✨#//#personal
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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posting in ehre bc my friends are prob tired of me yapping about this on tt but i cant wait to get a neurologist appointment and got exams done bc im sure i have narcolepsy and have been for a couple years now yet im so so afraid of going bc what if i do have it. and worse. what if i dont have it and all my struggles actually have no explanation other than me being lazy and weak lmao i cant stop thinking about it im so anxious over this
#this is the year we get diagnosis DONE#but fr im so much more interedted in getting this sleep shit checked out#than i am on confirmingg my autism#bc at this point like. theres no way im not on thr spectrum lmao#like if my autism avaliation comes out negative it will be shocking to me#but i'll live ive spent 20 years thinking im just a freaky creature before i found out it could be autism so it eont weight as much ig#but the narcolepsy slash hypersomnia shit..that fucking bothers me.sm#it explains everything ive been having since i was about 13 lmao the peak was the last years of high school#and then living alone in college and getting sleep apralysis every day i got to the point i wouldnt even br frightned anymore#i still have it about like ojce every two weeks now but nowadays what bothers me most#is feeling my muscles go numb when im walking home from college bc i want to sleep#and having hallucinations when im waking up or falling asleep although im also used to these so they dont scare me bc i know im hallucinatin#yk..#but yea the sleeping all day everyday fucking sucks#even when im having fun lol there are couple of videos of me playing the guitar for fun and just sleeping in the kiddle of it#also . when i got put on wellbutrin i had multippe convulsions#that tookme to the er and i dont remember a thing from that week so idk if it made some damage#bc they didnt make any exams at the hospital#they literally said i had overdose although i took the right dose#then injected some muscle relaxant w me#that made me convulse and go unconscious again#and then got me stable and sent me home like Yeah that happened idk just sleep it off#and i have migraines since i was 12 so liek#i hope the neurologist i get sent to takes me.serious#i feel like there is something going on yk#anywayssss#personal#narcolepsy#idk if theres a commujity here on the tags but lmk i feel all alone on this
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...
#the thing abt me is that if u complement me in an academic context i will melt#me walking into every interview: fuck this school. i dont wanna go there. im sad. on one is gonna want me. i can hardly function. fuck this#me walking out of every interview: fuck. the project is cool and they said nice things abt me 😭#fuck. the guy from the lab i interviewed with basically said if u wanna be here i can make it happen. i like ur style and i think ur a#super good candidate 😭 and he quoted my wanky writing bc i got a bit flowery and idealistic lol#and hes on the admissions committee so he was like: yea i can support u if u want just let me kno#and fucking hell the project is cool. but the thing is i think id have to be less of a sad sac bc i think he expects a lot and is hands off#but it is a big institution with a lot of creative ppl and theyre good abt supporting interdisciplinary work#so like the opportunities there would be pretty fucking great i think. hhhhhh god. theres no way i could take the uk one now#fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person#or is it too late for that bc they already put my name forward to the committee#god dammit. this was the one i was supposed to b like yea no shot am i getting this. and now im like fucking considering it like#the opportunities.... but id have to live in new jersey... it would b closer to home i guess. id b back on east coast time#and i could work with Yellowstone organisms. and i bet the classes r pretty fucking rad education wise#god. decisions. im gonna play Choices by the Hoosiers like a million times#thats what i did wjen i was deciding to go for undergrad. and then i didnt even decide. i was just like... well i dont wanna go to the#place all my classmates r going. i will go 3hrs away. then 12hrs by plane for my masters#fuck. at least it went well. everyone was nice and the 2nd guy i talked to was like:#even if u dont go here. email me if u end up working with zinc and i can help. and i was like 😭#i got a bit rambly with him but whatever he was 15min late so we're even lol#i was way too nervous. but it was ok. but also i dont understand wtf other incoming phd students r like??#like they say im a good candidate and ive got good background and im like ??? what sort of losers r u looking at if u think im good?#i just think maybe what i wanna do is unique and very specific so im like not trying to do just anything. i have standards lol#and apparently im more coherent than i give myself credit for. i talk good sometimes and i have enthusiasm when i dont feel like im dying#god. i was not expecting this. i dont belong at a school working with tech startups like wtf. i come from a place of slightly trash#universities lol. well my undergrad uni wasnt so bad... well i mean the city is the butt of a lot of ohio related jokes tho. im looking at#u klinger. fucking mean streets of toledo. whatever the school im at now is worse. couldnt even keep my boss here smh#anyway what the fuck. and i got a lotta writing done today what the fuck#me being competent???? unheard of. god. imagine if i had my shit together. i could kill god. algae and other scientists would fear me#unrelated
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sometimes i mayhaps would like a boyfriend
#so here is my life rn im going to explain using letters representing people instead of their names bc there are two people w the same name#a and b are dating and c and d are dating then band d cheat on their respective partners w each other and a and c want to date and they#find out abt the cheating so they all start dating - b c and d are in a play that i am in along with e and f#e and f are also dating - f is one of the only other trans people in the cast so we talked a lot and he said he thought he only liked girls#and was thinking about breaking up with e because he is also a trans guy#one day we were going home from rehearsal and f left then e and i were watching b c and d say bye to each other all loveydovey#and e said he wanted that and i said yeah me too and he mumbled something i couldn't hear and i was like 'yeah' bc i couldn't tell and he#said 'join me!' and held out his hand and i took it and boom we were holding hands (his skin was very soft in case you're wondering) and we#shared phone numbers and said that's like how he started dating f and i was like oh interesting and we left and i realised he was asking me#to date him and i was like okay free bf! two free bf! then he texted me and said f didn't want me in their relationship and oh. no free bfs#and then flash forward i was in the friend group with a b c and d and i made friends with a super controlling guy who didn't want me to be#friends w the friend group and only him and was all 'if you're friends w them that means you don't like me' and we were friends w benefits#so i ditched that friend group for him and he was mean to them and wanted me to be like that too so i was kinda rude to them#flash forward again i finally left the toxic guy wow i have no friends now i was in 1st yr high school but e was in last year middle school#i didnt talk to him much bc i was focused on school stuff and now this year e is in first year of hs and im in the second year and he's#hanging out w the old friend group and I noticed him even before i knew who he was and i was like oh that person seems really cool hm#wonder who he is hes friends with old friend group how interesting OH that is e he looks different but he looks cute and now i kinda want#to text him bc he's in one of my lunches and he was in student council on friday and we looked at each other and i waved hi but he didn't#wave back and now im worried hes heard that im mean bc the old friend group but i still like him bc we were really good friends but also#ive been thinking about what might have happened if we did start dating and i really want to text him but i only have him on snapchat bc id#what happened to his phone number but i don't have it anymore#i really want to talk to him but snapchat gives me anxiety and idk what he thinks of me now#but i really want to talk to him!!!!!#help#what#should#i#do#does looking at him count as flirting#zen is gay :]
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r/regretfulparents is my hellscape. i know most of them are just going through hard times and venting and probably don't actually regret it but like. i genuinely think motherhood would be my most awful prison. the whole sub is like the scariest horror game the internet has to offer for me.
#im just already exhausted of being a mother and i dont even have kids 😭#(i do. hes fifteen and dyslexic and ADHD and my little brother)#(yes mom i did take care of him a shit ton i am not exaggerating it)#(there is a reason he tells people i basically raised him and he asks ME for things before asking our father who is your coparent)#(there is a reason you sigh in relief when i come home from break and ask me to 'whip [my dad and brother] into shape')#(there is a reason i spent my thanksgiving day being bitched at to do everything)#(even though you have a husband!)#(and another grown adult kid!)#(who's actually older than me but hasn't lifted a finger to help the family)#(she always said she'd be like fiona gallagher if anything happened to our mom"#(NEWS FLASH. YOU WOULDN'T BE. YOU DISAPPEARED. I STAYED.)#(even before you disappeared you weren’t allowed to be a caretaker)#(you couldn’t care for him. you were banned for being violent)#(I shouldn’t have been putting someone else’s kid to bed most nights of the week)#(then when quarantine hits and my mom has the time to be a mom again)#(she gets mad at ME for being overly involved and acting out of pocket)#(girl. this is how things work around here you just didn’t notice)#(whenever I come home from school now she completely checks out)#(she makes comments about how she’s glad I’m home so she doesn’t have to make all the decisions anymore)#(because im so bossy! and then I get made fun of for being bossy! you made me like this! you want me like this!)#(I am not your partner I am your daughter)#(my dad is more of a dad and husband in recent years but it quite honestly didn’t seem like it happened until I moved out)#(because he didn’t have to step up and do that shit it was just dumped onto me)#(and no I don’t want to have a kid to be better or something. im done raising kids. im going to be better for myself)#(I know I could do a hell of a lot better. but. im. not. going. to.)#(my childhood was for them. my adulthood is for me.)#(my students will be the only kids I have and that’s for damn certain.)#mattie gets personal
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bruh i love when my brain creates two different psychological horrors for me to experience ❤️ thanks love you subconscious
#personal#i was literally playing skyrim before bed#but then my brain conjures up two different dreams about my EX OF COURSE#bc im deeply wounded and traumatized by him subconsciously#one timeline where i literally cannot get a hold of him for two days after hes at rhis party#then i contact his dad and it turns out hes DEAD#but the cops literally bring his cold dead body to my house on a stretcher#and i touch him and cry#LIKE HELLO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK#then the second timeline#where i cant get a hold of him and i contact his dad#then his dad is talking to my sister about it for some reason#and she tells me that he had actually gone to military school without telling me#and that this girl becky was actually screening his calls and ignored all of mine#and he wanted to go to the military school right then bc he found out that was when becky was going#and he just didnt tell me and my sister told me to take it as a break up#and it turns out he was getting my messages the whole time#and all before these two timelines he was crying and telling me he didnt want to break up with me#i love being traumatized by men ❤️#i really thought he was different and that we had something#but i see now i was just in denial and he never rlly loved me that much#i was just forcing it when i shouldve let it go#it definitely didnt help that he literally acted like he cared about me and SAID HE DID#he has his own issues for sure as well#but now i know what to do#but it still deeply wounded me and i still think about it sometimes#everything that happened all the things he did and said that cut me to my core#ugh its a feeling like the world you thought you knew was all fake#its like a disconnect from yourself it feels like doom#it rlly did shake me to my core
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#kinda fucked up that 2020 feels like it was just yesterday#and i was like 'damn i guess i havent really felt like a person since then'#but i know that's not true because i didn't feel like a person before that either#I've been in a slow downward spiral since getting covid last year and remembering that the whole time i was in school#i was just doing it because thats what i was told i should do#i dont feel like I've made a single impactful decision ever in my own fucking life#i talked about it with my therapist last year but i cant responsibly afford to go back to her anyways#and its not like ive made any real progress on anything#i probably haven't seen a doctor since i was in high school#i dont know what i want to be called#i dont know what i want to even DO with myself#because I've just been doing whatever my mom says to for so fucking long#i shouldn't have gone to college until i had something i actually wanted to do#and now i have stupid ass loans and for what?#not a fucking degree!#i dropped out four years ago and havent done a goddamn useful thing since!#i feel stupid and useless and directionless#i miss my friends#i wish there was something i was at all good at but i cant even get rid of things i dont want because i dont even know what that means#because if we're looking at it objectively i dont want *any* of the things i have right now#i hate my clothes i hate my room i dont use any of my art tools anymore and even my physical body is rejecting me#i can't even SLEEP right#fucking hell#delete later#my birthday is in a week and im lowkey wondering if it would have been better if my mom never had me lmfao#I've done nothing I've said i was going to do so whats even the point#I've got a cat I've gotta look after for a few days in november so obviously we're gonna keep cruisin but GOD i dont wanna be here#my issues arent even that bad in the grand scheme of things but because theyre happening to me it feels so much more intense because well#my life is the lens in which i experience the world lmfao#ive pretended like everythings fine for all my life but these cracks just keep getting bigger and im really not enjoying that at all!
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"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(
#repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns#im not unsafe btw just. :^) scared :^)#tired.#starting to stop walking on eggshells kind of. in a cowardly way. like responding some of my real thoughts but at 4am#i want to scream. im not like that but i want to yell and tell her to leave me alone forever and i just want to be able to rest !#and to not be afraid. i want to move. i want to drop off the face of the earth. i want to go to bed. i want to stay awake and on guard.#idk. im tired. im so tired and i want it to stop. it's not even a big deal.#the thinly veiled insults bother me more than anything else. insult sandwich on compliment bread.#im so pretty im so stupid im so funny. im smart im too insecure im beautiful. im the most interesting person she knows im evil im talented#it's not even the worst thing it just pisses me off so much. do you think this is helpful to say? do you think this is normal?#do you think you'll get what you want insulting and belittling me as long as you tell me you think im attractive?#it's always how pretty i am. like some superficial bullshit is going to make up for an insult or make the insult disappear#and everyone else gets to leave but if i leave she'll die and it'll be all my fault and this is just like x y or z#and didnt i know she almost experienced trauma as a child but didnt? and how that effects her?#fuck. i hope she sees this tbh. how fucking insulting to see something someone's experienced and say that couldve maybe happened to me#but the person who couldve done it lives in another country and never came here.#what the fuck. what the fuck.#so it didnt happen to you? you cant lay claim to it at all? yet you think you understand me or that even if it did happen it's all the same#im going to lose my mind. im so. fucking. over it. but im a coward and i dont want her to die so ill grin and bear it.#and she'll tear out all my skin and ask if it's a little too much and ill say it's fine and she'll say im so gorgeous but i'm disgusting#but at least im kind. and ill say okay. because if i say anything else it's a threat on her fucking life.#tbh im only posting this now bc i know no one will likely read it. perpetual coward when it comes to this shit#because if i tell someone the full extent they'll ask why i didn't leave sooner. but i did!#i left and i got bombarded and overwhelmed and i was so tired of being scared of running into her everywhere#and i just. eased back in. and said it would be less this time. and it is so much more. it is so much worse.#ive lived in that fear before and i was so tired of it. it was a big reason i moved so far for college. and i cant just run away#so this seemed better. but it's so much worse. id rather hide every day of my life. keep an eye out everywhere and run away.#it wasnt so bad really. it was tedious and nauseating and i only ever explained it to one person. but it wasnt impossible.#this is much closer to impossible. this is soul crushing every day. and the things she does arent even as bad i dont think#it just doesnt stop. at least in high school i eventually got it to stop. i just had to be avoidant. this. wont stop.
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