#fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[tenpercentsugar]

1-92

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?i think it was daniella and yeah totally but she won’t put out

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?never that

3. Have you taken someones virginity?i still have mine so probably not

4. Is trust a big issue for you?uhhh ion know cuz i’ll tell pretty much anybody anything abt me but i don’t trust ppl to drive me anywhere lmao

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?i don’t have time to actively like anybody rn. plus i’m hit so i’m not trying to waste brain space

6. What are you excited for?warped tour bihhh

7. What happened tonight?i saw cars 3 and got high but that’s abt it

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?not disgusting but usually annoying. when anybody gets drunk, actually. gender has nothing to do w it

9. Is confidence cute?for sure

10. What is the last beverage you had?blue powerade from my local bp

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?prolly like….2 at the most rn

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?the only jeans i own

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?get high and sit down for hours at a time

14. What are you going to spend money on next?gas or cigs

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?i change all the time i’ll definitely change within the next 3 months

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?dani, ash, or taylor

18. The last time you felt broken?i couldn’t tell you. like im sad rn but not broken

19. Have you had sex today?only w my right hand tahaaaa

20. Are you starting to realize anything?yeah but that’s probably j my brain cuz i’ve been pretty dumb abt taking my meds lately

21. Are you in a good mood?not particularly but ive still got more weed to smoke so give me a lil bit

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?fuck that!!! i used to have nightmares as a kid abt sharks i am soooo coo on that

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?yeah actually

24. What do you want right this second?someone to drive me around and i get to pick the music

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?i would probably say “that’s nutty. anyway” cuz i don’t care

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?most of it is lmaooo

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?that’s a no-go. that makes no sense.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?it was probably something taylor said

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?not anybody on earth

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?no but i usually give it to em anyway cuz i love being a big fuckin idiot

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?couldn’t hate ash if i tried. couldn’t even think of a single reason why i would even potentially hate ash. love that piece of shit

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?i don’t have feelings for anyone bro im not on pills anymore

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?yeah actually wtf fuck soda

34. Listening to?the sound of my ceiling fan. i wanna be listening to yung lean

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?pens 4L

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?no do you?

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?not in my life but i can’t decide if that shit’s real or not for others i suppose

38. Who did you last call?i don’t make calls

39. Who was the last person you danced with?i think i wanna say it was either ky cam or tori

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?cuz it was appropriate for the situation

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?i know i’ve eaten them recently at grad parties

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?nope

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?yeah i’m a human i get nervous

44. Do you tan in the nude?not that i can remember

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?no i don’t care cuz 2016 damn near didn’t even happen

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?no ugh which really sucks cuz i love falling asleep in the middle of the conversation so i have something to wake up to

47. Who was the last person to call you?ash and i couldn’t answer cuz i was looking at lightning mcqueen

48. Do you sing in the shower?nope

49. Do you dance in the car?go thru my me tag and find that vid of me driving bro. yes i dance in the car every time i get in a car

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?damn near in like 4th grade on a field trip

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?my senior pics so three years ago

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?no bitch i love hairspray

53. Is Christmas stressful?yeah fuck a christmas i cant buy anybody i love anything and i hate snow more than anything on this earth

54. Ever eat a pierogi?nope but taylor and ash know how to make them if i ever want to

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?i don’t fuck w pie

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?stay at home mom, teacher, marine biologist

57. Do you believe in ghosts?yeah dude definitely

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?everytime i get super baked and listen to specific playlists and dissociate like a motherfucker

59. Take a vitamin daily?just vitamin thc tahaaaa

60. Wear slippers?shit’s weak

61. Wear a bath robe?even weaker than the slippers

62. What do you wear to bed?basketball shorts n a t shirt

63. First concert?fucking skillet bro hahahaha i went w a church i didnt belong to to go see christian rock in real life

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?target all day everyday forever

65. Nike or Adidas?adidas

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?depends on the day lmao mostly cheetos tho

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?miss me

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?i think you have the wrong number?

69. Ever take dance lessons?i never paid for them but sometimes i went w my friend to her lessons cuz why not

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?not a profession specifically, but i do see them making good money

71. Can you curl your tongue?yeah i have good genes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?third grade bitch!!!!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?i don’t even cry when i’m sad/i’m not cayla

74. What is your favorite book?baby help by marilyn reynolds. it’s a nostalgia thing

75. Do you study better with or without music?with but it can’t have words

76. Regularly burn incense?not anymore :-( sometimes i miss 2014 me

77. Ever been in love?only with perth x bon iver and klonopin

78. Who would you like to see in concert?bryson tiller, the weeknd, zayn, frank ocean, partynextdoor, vince staples, denzel curry, tame impala, father john misty, neck deep, motionless in white (for the 8th time), damn near yung lean as long as nobody brings a gun this time

79. What was the last concert you saw?future, migos, and tory lanez in noblesville w jarrett and dylan

80. Hot tea or cold tea?hot tea when my throat hurts, cold tea forever always

81. Tea or coffee?tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?soft ass snickerdoodles

83. Can you swim well?i can swim but like don’t ask me to race

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?everyone should know how to do this?? isn’t this a normal thing to know

85. Are you patient?i’m getting more patient i think

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?dj for sure

87. Ever won a contest?one time i got a free case of snapple from one of the bottle caps but i think that’s it

88. Ever have plastic surgery?not interested

89. Which are better black or green olives?no olives

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?i don’t care if you wanna test drive the car before you buy it. i’m not a car salesman

91. Best room for a fireplace?the den

92. Do you want to get married?yeah definitely bro i’ve been hella fixated on having a family lately

thanks homie youve always got my back