gracelw64

[gracelw64]

I wrote #avatrice #fanfic for #warriornun and I’m quite pleased with it. I wonder where this story will lead me, as I’m not finished pondering the plot line and ending. Hmmm… what to do, what to do.

Thanks for reading!🖤

[gracelw64]

[gracelw64]

People need to understand that for those who have gone through trauma experience things differently.

If you went through an abandonment as a child, a breakup others would get over with in months can take years to overcome.

If you went through domestic abuse, even small changes in a loved one's tone can make you anxious.

If you were belittled your whole childhood, being professionally critized at work can feel like the end of the world.

Trauma effects us for a long time after it occurs.

[gracelw64]

The thing is you read too much 19th century Brit Lit and that's literally just how you start to talk. Was speaking with a friend about another friend and I said "he's very agreeable, but he lacks discernment" like that was in any way a normal way to phrase that sentiment.

[gracelw64]

love a guy whos like a feral kitten that needs to be socialized

[gracelw64]

I don’t know what it is about you exactly, but i can’t seem to get you off my mind. I think it’s the way you hold me when you hug me. How you seem to get so shy by just being around me. You’re beautiful blue eyes and how they shine even brighter when you’re happy and smiling, and when you get sad they go a blueish grey. When you’re having a shitty day and you’re sad but you don’t exactly know  why, i find myself just wanting to hold you until all your pain goes away, i never want you to be sad. And those thick wavy curls in your hair, looks so soft i want to run my fingers through it for some strange reason. How you always seem to know how to say the right things and to always make me feel better. How you’re so committing to me and so loyal. Fuck you make me so happy. But i am so terrified to be happy again because once you’re happy it always seems to turn to shit in the end. I’m afraid that one day I’ll find myself falling in love with you, and one day you’re gonna get sick of me and just leave. Or one day you’re going to get sick of waiting for me to be ready for a relationship again, and than once I’m ready it’ll be too late and you’ll be gone. Forever. 

[gracelw64]

Here we go. Again.

Unsure. I guess that’s the term? Nobody can be direct about their feelings. Humans have become more indirect and hiding under the rug, and it’s an annoyance. Until someone comes and kicks up the dust, nothing is said. With that being said, I’ve recently learned that to someone, I’m this needy and selfish assfuck who needs to be pleased at all times or nobody gets to be happy. Is that how I really want myself to be perceived as? I don’t ask for much. Love. Affection. Attention here and there. I don’t ask for things or people to change or shift in accordance to what I want. I don’t make decisions for others. I don’t make a big deal out of somebody’s needs coming before my own. I’m a very simple fucking person. I don’t want your arguments, I don’t want your smart mouth, I don’t want your comparisons and backhanded comments. I just want your fucking love and friendship. A small sliver of your time, without distractions. I don’t want anything material in return for anything I’ve ever done for any of you. This goes for all friendships and relationships. I am the least bit selfish, I have given myself to those who haven’t earned or deserved any ounce of my energy or love. I have been shit on, laughed at, insulted, attacked, mocked, ignored, I’ve been around the fucking bases with people’s bullshit. I’ve exhausted myself running back and forth between my sanity and saying fuck it, that’s a totally acceptable way to allow yourself to be treated, Grace. Nah. Fuck people. Fuck not being able to be honest about emotions and words, and only being able to be open and real when you’re either hammered or too angry to hold it in. I’m completely fine living in solitude. Leave me alone in the quiet if I erk you so much when I ask for so much as a sliver of your time without a phone or beer involved. If I truly make you feel like the world is going to end if I don’t get what I want when I don’t ask for more than love and affection and it’s so difficult for you to provide that without frustration, then mind your own and I’ll do the same. Friendships and relationships are not one sided and I refuse to be single handedly holding anything or anyone together with every ounce of my strength and love if they can’t be bothered to put in the slightest bit of effort without growing angry that I asked. I’m not going to be made out to be some manipulative person, that doesn’t allow others to have what they need or want, and always expects to be treated with kindness and unconditional respect without consequences for my bad days. Fuck it, why am I ranting? Catch ya later.

Night.

[gracelw64]

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.”

— Sahaj Kohli

[gracelw64]

“Loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to.”

— Tommy Brown (Criminal Minds)

[gracelw64]

“Learn to say ‘no’ without explaining yourself.”

— Unknown

[gracelw64]

This boy had a great birthday today, my work gave me the day off, my co workers gave me watermelon with candles, my wife met me with a beer at the door and the kids have been great tonight, just a wonderful night of love and relaxing and my wife feeding me shots non stop 🤣 i think she’s trying to get me hammered hahaha. I love my family so much and this is a great birthday for me 😍😊

[gracelw64]

“People don’t believe what you tell them. They rarely believe what you show them. They often believe what their friends tell them. They always believe what they tell themselves.”

— Seth Godin

[gracelw64]

And now, I must leave.

“I am too young and I’ve loved you too much.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[gracelw64]

imagine falling in love and it works out for the rest of your life

[gracelw64]

Let's posit that you're out of touch. Then lets assume that I'm out of time. Am I then not out of my head when you're not around

[gracelw64]

some of you think ‘nuanced’ only means ‘morally grey’ and I’m here to tell you that actually straight up good characters can still be nuanced and unapologetically evil characters can still be nuanced. the character doesn’t have to be an anti hero or morally dubious to have depth. they don’t even have to feel sorry about their crimes to have depth.

[gracelw64]

If anything, I have learnt that sometimes things done in the name of love do not always bear its reflection. What I mean to say is that sometimes I love you looks like betrayal. Sometimes you are my world looks like cruelty. Sometimes I would do anything for you looks a lot like hypocrisy or mutiny or white lies stained crimson with the blood of broken promises.

I have learnt that sometimes love is making descions you know will shatter trust but will give them a better chance at survival.

I have learnt that sometimes love is being willing to sacrifice their adoration of you, to save them.

~Synonyms for Sacrifice or Ugly Love or Lessons I have learnt from trying to save my sister, the dying star