#i love this movie way too much ok
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A lil guy !
#honkai star rail#dan heng#genuinely have a million things i wanna draw and then zero energy#so dan heng in a hoodie#now i gotta go get dinner sooooo maybe that will give energy and then i can draw more of what i actually wanna draw#but i kinda spent like ... hours ? talking to my mom earlier today#since shes been in the hospital for many many days#so i was catching her up on whats been goin on and showed her silly lil videos#and telling her how hyped i was for summer hrid and she (very patient with my fe talk)#was like you always tell me about banners being bad so it must have made you REALLY happy to say the whole banner is good#and im like yeah and i had multiple people on multiple sites like hey salmon/moeblob did ya see the banner#and she was like thats so cool that people acknowledge who you like and im like yeah it is p cool#and then i told her how mad i was at the absolutely criminal act of limiting how you can watch clue (1985 hit movie)#like i told her yeah sure i own it twice on dvd and once on itunes and that the only way to watch those#are either desktop or ps2 and how i dont have access to my itunes email#and i dont have it on my laptop so i sadly would have to rebuy the movie on itunes under a new acct#then i said how i loved that it was free to watch with ads on yt and id watched it twice that way#but then recently wanted to watch it on there but laptop and hoo boy you have to buy or rent it now#so i v angrily was like fine whatever ill do the thing and leave my room and go watch it on my moms tv#while she isnt around and use her amazon prime where it should be included except ! IT WASNT!#YOU HAVE TO HAVE PRIME TO BUY OR RENT IT NOW TOO!#HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS AND WHY ! who in the world is watching this movie so much that isnt me that they have to charge for it now#on all platforms unless you straight up pirate it#and hey why would i of all people be needing to pirate a movie i own physically two times and digitally once#this is literally a personalized attack to me#and my mom was like i understand how you feel cause yeah thats really weird to do to a 1985 movie#and im like yes exactly i have morals and principles that make me opposed to this and its v maddening#and she said she understood and its ok next time we are having power issues and i have to shut down#that if i really wanna watch it i can rent it on her amazon account and i looked at her and shes like oh you feel v strongly about this#and i do! I HAVE HAD IT GIFTED TO ME TWICE ! I BOUGHT IT ONCE! WHY DO I HAVE TO RENT IT FOR MORE MONEY!
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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[ID digital drawing of redesigns of the VKs from Disney descendants, years Evie, Mal, Jay, and Carlos. Evie has the front of her hair braided back with a little crown, a white princess shirt, and a blue cape with gold and red details and a high collar. She has a blue skirt with a heart belt and red panels stitched on the sides and a ruffle white skirt under. She has black tights, white ruffle socks, and red Mary Jane heels, and red and blue fingerless gloves. Above her is the symbol of a heart shaped mirror with a crown on top of it.
Mal has big horns, pointed ears with many piercings, messy purple and green hair, and is holding a knife. She is wearing a fishnet shirt with a purple crop top and a ripped jacket. She has low rise very wide leg pants with green flames on the end, and big spiky boots. She has mismatched gloves and a couple belts. Her symbol is a broken heart with horns and wings and is on fire.
Jay has an orange beanie and a ripped vest with a belt across it. He has cargo pants and tall sneakers, a few belts and fingerless gloves. His symbol above him is an orange toothy cobra snake coiled up.
Carlos has stripy black and white hair and goggles and glasses. He wears a stripy shirt and has a fluffy collar coat that's patchwork of black and white polka dots, and patchwork shorts and mismatched loafers. His symbol is a black and white crossbones. End ID]
👑😈🐍☠️
This from like... May? I think? It got lost in the 1k of my drafts (a lot I know) But I was thinking about redesigning them yet again! so expect that at some point too lmao.
#b.text#Disney descendants#descendants#descendants redesign#i love them ur honer....#i REALLY like carlos and evies designs in this alot. not changing them much atm. but making eveies more snow white ish.#i love mals chunky horns alot and her new design has way more dragon and fire elements. im still struggling with jays.#i gont hink ive come up eith a design that isnt boring for him. i trid to go amore aladin direction in this but idk#i wanted their designs to come across as more like their parents and a mix of the heroes from their stories but. didnt really work like tha#eh theyre so much fun to redesign dnyways i have fun with it. trying to go more detailed this time#been looking at refs of ther outfits frm the movies andi think that 1 ad 2 have some of my fave fits for them.#gonna try and incorporate them in more next time#but fheir motorcycle fits are so ugly sorry they are i do not like those. an movie 3 none of the fits really stand out to me :/#loooove a mal with horns. hair horns or just real ones are so goodfor her. wannamake some more 'auradon' fits too for them#like when evie has acess to more materials and all and can really make them more polished stuff.#ok rambling over back to doodleing them
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#I’ve been making little ‘dying by your own sword’ figures for the past few nights#always loved a good self stab#favourite/ least favourite way for a movie to end#the piano teacher has possibly the best self stab#also nekromantik has a good self stab#I just feel like the mental imagery is something that has always popped into my head for as long as I can remember#the vision that just stabbing my self in the chest would release so much tension#just a mental release that pops in my mind often like ‘ok just stabbing my self in the chest would feel much better than this’#and it’s like me waiting in line at an airport#imagining just plunging a sword into myself and then ripping my rib cage apart#full body release#casual violent catharsis when the lights in the grocery store are too bright#bodies
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Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
#metalocalypse#jay talkin#I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level#for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda#changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is#don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men#his transness wouldnt change that#only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically.#Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band#is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name;#over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had#he becomes more caring more supportive#it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind#and learns how to be a kinder man.#all of which have no contradictions with him being trans!#In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences#i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways#to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring.#Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL.#at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it#so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine#i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt#but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues#and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does#again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol#AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans#do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model#I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA
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god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek
#just me rambling again#guys. guys i have been just barely scraping by for what feels like so long it's genuinely so overwhelming and confusing and just very#unsettling for me to be having good feelings especially like.. big ones#i kind of feel like im dying ?? not actually physically but my entire brain just really doesn't know what to do#ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain#and the cause feels so stupid. ok cool so ur falling for one of ur friends. happens. ok so same friend VERY OBVIOUSLY likes you too. ok ok#a little weirder but something that has happened before#but there's just so much in mybrain anxious abt stuff (ive been forgetting to take my anxiety meds a lot the past week(#idk i just feel like somehow it's not fair to them??#like. being with me or me trying to maybe be with them feels like... im taking away something from them or from their life#even tho we literally talked last night abt dates we really really wish we could go on#and how we obviously would just work well together we're compatible in basically every way#it also would be low pressure not heavy commitment because at the end of the summer we're both planning to move for college things#and she's looking at colleges in New York and nyc and im looking at colleges in oregon or Washington#so yeah.. literally across the entire country from each other#but that almost scares me more bc i have the it will come back hozier type of attachment issues where it's so so difficult for me to ever#let go of things once ive latched on (everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it or whatever) and i really don't want to leave my#claw marks in them bc like. god i really would adore having a thing for however many months we have but im so goddamn scared#that im either not going to be able to let go or one of us is going to detach well before we leave bc thats a reasonable emotional response#and thatll be it's own hell#but also#im 18 almost 19 (and i will make clear that they're in the year below me which also makes me feel really bad but that's a whole other can o#worms there) and its been a long while since ive just. let myself LIVE. ive been the shell of a man for months now. maybe another#stupid and wonderful and beautiful and terrible teenage romance wouldnt be the end of the world.#hell i was so convinced i would never ever ever not be in love with my more recent ex girlfriend and i still love her as a person but im#definitely not still in love with her and our splitting hurt but it was something that i was able to cope with and grow through#idk im rambling a lot longer than i have in a while i just have a lot of feelings right now.#i want to kiss them (again and more) i want to go to a stupid drive in movie and go to museums together and a picnic and all the shit that#we talked about last night and we both love in similar ways and feel our feelings really big and unapologetically#idk i have so much to say but running out of tags on here. double date maybe on friday ? we'll see what happens i guess.
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oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show
#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out#but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated#i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it#where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone#and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show#bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar#but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural#like the writers don’t know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense#and each time it feels like they just ask ‘what’s the most insane thing that can happen next?’#’oh ok he’s gonna chop dave’s dick off’#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane#not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER#only for the best friend in the next scene to be like ‘erm i’m not gay 😐 awkward…’ and she’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN#qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think#they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial#not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and it’s impossible to find#literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague#and yet clearly they’ve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board#(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you#and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like we’re dogs and if we wanna watch it#we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it#and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show that’s been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks#just weird as fuck man. and i don’t even think mark has much to do with it
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I have a big google doc thing where I keep track of media and stuff (putting everything in loosely ranked categories), which is mostly just for my own reference so I know what tv shows I've already seen before, etc. and I never really look back through it, typically just a quick "okay, watched two movie in the past 8 months, need to quickly slap them somewhere in the lists. okay. done. save document. exit". But today I was actually reading through some of the old notes and there are like... MULTIPLE places where my comment is basically "It would have been good if it were about elves" or "I wish there was a fantasy show made in this same style" or "It's well made, but I just keep thinking about how I would like it more if everyone was an elf or was in old 1700s costumes" or etc like...... lol.... Most biased media ranking system on earth blatantly made by someone with an extremely hyperspecific range of narrow interests. It'd be like if a food reviewer only had 5 foods they actually liked, so they'd just go to a pizza place and be like "eh, the pizza was okay, but I just think it would be better if it was cereal instead. :/ ...2 out of 10"
#Which.. I mean... I am allowed to be biased because literally it's just for my own personal reference (or occasionall#y to send to friends or something if we're discussing the topic) so like.. nowhere am I saying 'I am the god of perfect taste and these#rankings are objectively the absolute truth and everyone should have my same opinion' or anything#BUT still.. it's funny to me sometimes#'Succession would be 100x better if it had the same cast/character quirks and shaky camera style and#acting choices/weird dialogue and general concept etc. EXCEPT it takes place within an elven noble family or something#managing the family business and everyone is in fantasy costumes now'' like.....okay...... but it's NOT that way..soo... thats not the show#''I like the acting style/general tone of Fleabag but i don't care for any of the characters or any of the subject matter and I wish it was#set in the 1800s and had vampires and was about magic instead'' okay..... again... you are making up an entirely new show in that case lol#OR my other beloved typical complaint ''The concept is good but theres too much plot and action and not enough people just sitting#around doing nothing and exposition dumping world and character lore'' ''this needs more goofy sideplots and filler episodes''#''this Drama was too dramatic I think it should be more lighthearted & people need to sit around doing nothing just being weird more often'#''the Action Movie was ok except for the action scenes - which I skipped through all of- but I liked the costumes and worldbuilding'' etc.#ERM sorry your plot has too much plot. also elves have to be included somehow. bye#BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I literally genuinely believe that any show I like (or even dislike) could ALWAYS be improved greatly by#putting people in fantasy or historical costume/setting/etc... why the FUNK would I want to see bland jeans and cars and cell phones#when I could see elaborate velvet cloaks and fantastical landscapes and interior design and innovative takes on historical or#magical technology or etc. etc. etc. I LIVE in the modern day. I see it all the time!!! BORING! stinky!! boo!!!#ANYWAY... another social divide for me.. People love to bond by discussing media. which is hard when I'm like#'I literally will not watch something at all unless it fits into one of these 10 extremely specific categories which are all i care about i#the entire world''.. I say this and yet I still dislike most fantasy or historical things I've watched lol. ok TWO main criteria then!!#it must 1. be in a different world or time period. 2. be goofy silly. Nothing ever has BOTH. It's always overly serious boring drama action#fantasy/history stuff OR it's comedic lighthearted but with modern day characters... WHY.. anguish and woe and so on..#ANYWAY jhjnk... at least I can make that divide. Some people seem to project their own personal preferences and get really emotionally#defensive if you say you didn't like something - as if the fact that they DO like it is some Objective Truth or something rather than just#opinion/preference based. I can still easily say ''this is well made/well written/acted/good in a technical sense/has a lot of#points of appeal that most people would be drawn to/etc'' and admit that it's a GOOD show probably. I just PERSONALLY think its#bad because my tastes are very narrow. Some things ARE actually made badly but. things are not bad INHERENTLY just bc they dont suit ME lol#Better to recognize/accept whats odd about you and be peacefully aware of it than just being mad at everyone all the time for not fully#agreeing with you even when you're the one with the Weird opinion in that case lol.. I am right though :3 but.. lol... still. i get it
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thinking about when i had such intense phantom limbs as a kid i told my math teacher about it
#like. I've had phantom wings since i was a CHILD and I'm not even kidding#i remember specifically saying 'i pretend to have wings so much that i can just Feel them there all the time now'#and he reacted in a way where he didn't want to tell me that's weird bc i was a Kid but also he totally thought it was really weird#which. was a reaction i knew very well at the time. that kind of quiet 'i dont know how to react to that but ok'#the trying not to make a weird face about it#so i shut up about it ever since! and then when i was 20 i found out what otherkin was#i remember them specifically being pegasus wings too we've always loved pegasi it was entirely bc of the barbie movie#i can't remember what the term is. for when you're A Fucking Lot of things all at once? poly something?#but we've always been like that#our first OC was plural coded and otherkin coded to the absolute max it was insane#and she was fully and entirely a self insert (at the time. nowadays she's her own guy)#but like. she could absorb souls on the brink of death and communicate with them inside her head#and she could shapeshift into any of those souls' forms at will#and she was supposed to be some kind of chimera#her 'true form' that i made of her was just all of her different forms crammed into one body#like. one owl wing one dragon wing. a dolphin tail. a fox paw and a pegasus hoof. scales mixed with fur. human shaped body. horns#if we weren't a system at the time then we were at least REALLY REALLY susceptible to becoming one we've always been Like This#and I'm willing to say i was an otherkin kid in the same way i say i was trans before i knew what that was#i didn't say I Am A Boy i just said I'm the closest a girl can get to being a boy (a tomboy)#i always leaned towards boys interests and boyish things. in the same way i taught myself to walk like a cat and meow convincingly#(to a point where i meowed once and my sister yelled at me to put the cat down if she's meowing. i was not holding a cat)#i didn't know what being otherkin was but i spent about as much time as possible being as animal as i could get#and i got offended when my friends didn't want to be animals with me. i had a lot of Horse Girl friends as a result#(hard to avoid horse girls in the middle of rural ohio tbh)
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Hhhhhrrrrg I'm shy but I'm gonna just say it it is such a shame that timeline wise my PPG s/i isn't close to and possibly hadn't even met Mojo during the movie, cuz the fucking uhhhh rhe uh. Uhhh. When he gets all massive near the end 💀💖💀💖💀💖💀💖💀💖💀💖
#i feel like this is the fifth time ive posted abt the ejd of the ppg movie but HHHHHHG LET ME BE A BIT OF A FREAK ABT THIS OKAY 💖💖💖💖💖#LIKE IF THE TIMELINE ALLOWED FOR US TO BE TOGETHER AT THAT POINT OH I WOULD BE SO WRETCHED ABT IT 👁👁💖💖💖💖💖💖💖#funny how both mojo and sp.amton are silly lil guys but then they have a big scary hot form that they're only in for a lil bit#when my silly little guys... are no longer little guys 😳#ANYWAY BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING.... EXCEPT NOW I'M TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAY MORE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖#idk man id be ok with it if i got king kong'ed. you know what i mean#gettin yoinked against my will teehee 💖💖💖💖 the way i can't do anything abt it. ehe EHEHEHEHE#ive said too much. goodnight 😳😳😳😳😳#ruby rambles#💜: loving you's a felony
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the fact that disney is more determined to give us "amazing" visuals rather than good stories and songs anymore is insulting
like they act like they cant have it all. youre the biggest studio ever, you own more companies than anything ever should, you have more money than i can even concieve of.
YOU ARE FULLY CAPABLE OF GIVING US MOVIES THAT ARE AMAZING IN EVERY ASPECT. SO FUCKING SHOW IT
#my post#i watched a video the other day about what mightve been the cause of disneys failure at making musicals in the last decade or so#and it started with. of all movies. tangled! and im still stuck on that#like it was specifically about the 'i see the light' scene when theyre on the water surrounded by the lanterns#the song writers were made to write like 40 songs they had to scrap UNTIL they were finally told the issue#that the team wanted the visuals to come first and for the song to come second. which meant they wanted the song TONED DOWN??#THEY COULD BOTH BE EQUALLY AMAZING HELLO??#it hurts me deeply inside to know. with how much i love that song. THAT THERE COULDVE BEEN AN EVEN BETTER ONE?#and then disney in general is just completely fumbling their songwriters which is why the songs suck#songwriters not given the ability to have a say in the story despite being part of telling the story? being scared to say anything-#-when the whole reason theyre there is to contribute! being told that they arent supposed to add anything new. only execute the plans made!#i have to imagine the storywriters are also being fucked over but the video was specifically about songwriters#my favorite moment in any movie EVER is a moment where the visuals AND the song come together EQUALLY to make the most beautiful moment ever#when moana and te ka are meeting in the middle of the parted sea. the way you can FEEL its the culmination of the movie#the way that te ka is frantically crawling toward and screaming at moana. the way that moana is calmly and confidently walking toward te ka#moana singing this peaceful beautiful song despite the danger. because she knows the truth. she sees te fiti beneath her unwilling disguise#the way that te ka hears her words and reacts by matching that calmness and letting her get close#and everything that that moment is meant to represent and *can* represent even if unintended#its just. its my favorite moment ok. AND IT WOULDNT WORK IF THE SONG WAS TONED DOWN FUCK YOU#i have crossed the horizon to find you. i know your name. and they have stolen the heart from inside you. but this does not define you.#this is not you who are. you know who you are. who you truly are <3#INSERT MEME IMAGE OF GUY CRYING WITH EARBUDS IN#disney#disney criticism#I LITERALLY LOVE DISNEY MOVIES OK THIS IS NOT A HATE POST ABOUT THE MOVIES ITS A HATE POST ABOUT THE COMPANY#btw the video i watched. i recommend! its 'the downfall of the disney movie musical' by calxiyn cares too much on youtube!#disney critical#this especially isnt a tangled hate post btw i adore that movie and i was so sad that it was likely the start of all of this
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God. This is why I am so careful about getting into new media. Because when it’s THIS fucking good and beautiful it makes everything hurt. And it’s a good hurt for sure! But it’s so hard to say goodbye to it. And to know no matter what I do I’ll never make something on that level. loving something so exquisite can be so painful and fun. Arcane fucking changed me.
#this is exactly how I felt when I finished reading the deathly and when the movie came out#and we watched it in theaters and when it ended everyone just sat there for a while and cried.#not comparing HP to arcane at all just the feeling of it being over and life not being the same after#leigh speaks#I don’t like crying and I’ve been a snotty MESS since finishing the finale help#Leigh gets too emotional about media and it’s embarrassing#and if I told you that I love jinx so much bc I see myself as the unstable family fuckup who gets everything wrong?#and if I told you her courage to right her wrongs inspires me what then?#would you laugh at me and roll your eyes?#and if I told you that her deciding not to give up and pull the pin on that bomb after all inspired me too? what then?#it’s only a cartoon. I know. but sometimes these things hold up a mirror to you as you watch and you face some hard truths#ok I’ve been way too vulnerable tonight signing off
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Not only is my therapist hella supportive of my weird ass goal in therapy to learn shapeshifting (in whatever ways are feesable but especially in dreams) and is cool with all the negative thoughts being a monster comes with (daydreaming about hurting and eating people as a monster doesn’t make me a bad person), but they are roping in a literal shaman to help me out. That’s only part of the reason why, I’m also plagued with sleep hallucinations that are distressing (these are unaffected by my antipsychotics directly as it isn’t psychosis so I’m not gonna request med changes). That is probably the more pressing matter for them but I will be sure to tie it back to my desperate need to be a monster. I need to figure out how to satisfy this need for my mental wellbeing. I want it so bad I have literally offered my soul to entities I perceive as real and evil, hell I do it completely unprompted at times. The fact that I believe it is real and do potentially dangerous things is alarming to me when awake and have my wits about me. It’s essentially like I am drunk and wandering up to random people with a weird request. Some have gently told me they can’t do that, some are rude and tell me horrible things about me and why I don’t deserve to be happy.
Part of this is being billed to my insurance company, which is funny to me, do have to pay the shaman but my therapist is so cool they are not charging me for their time even though it is over the hour limit. They are helping me out because they care/worry about me and it is very nice to feel supported.
#I’m actually not the most spiritual person but am willing to do anything to feel correct#pretty much any attempt at woo leads back to wanting to be a monster#otherkin#monsterkin#therian#my psychiatrist knows I have weird dreams and hallucinations but has no clue what they are and how to treat that#I will let her know they have been increasing#she hurt my feelings by once saying I had a delusion so I’m not sharing anything further than that#it does not matter if I am delusional because a) I refuse to try any other antipsychotic#for fear of side effects#and b) if I’m delusional then believing in a cure hard enough will make it work#placebo effect or mind over matter or whatever#I literally do not care all I know is other people are successful at doing what I want to do#text post#wearing a fursuit helps actually but those are my characters not me#I’m not at a point where I can comfortably commission someone else to do it for me#I do not actually linger too much on the gore aspect#I’d like to I think I ought to really think of the implications of what I want to do#but also obviously I will not literally physically be a monster so don’t plan on hurting anyone#sometimes I look at gore deliberately and am like hmmm#what’s this suppose to be doing this ought to be titillating me#however simulated gore in movies and art is DEF my thing#love to see a monster brutalizing a person#but looking at a bear attack victim with the same injuries I’m like hmmmm ok#I want to tear people limb from limb and eat them#but looking at a real person eaten and torn limb from limb is like ehhh to me#hearing about videos or pictures of people INTENTIONALLY hurt and tortured upsets me can’t do that#I don’t want to hurt people in the people way#just a predator way#it’s not cannibalism fantasies btw not cannibalism if you are not human
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i promise i do actually like good movies but i also love having background noise and well. live action cat in the hat is such a sweet tune to my autistic infection-riddled ears
#yep the ear infections are still going strong almost one year baby!! super cute and quirky of me the way my body refuses to heal#i think too many people on tumblr try to focus too much on having good tastes see i love good highbrow movies too but#sometimes you just need a little shlock to heal your heart and your infection-riddled ears. and thats ok
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*starts listening to the thg playlist*
augh -1 health
oof -1 health
ugh! -1 health
mmf -1 health
ugh! -1 health
augh -1 health
etc
GOOD that’s the effect i wanted >:)
#i wish so badly that i could annotate it. when will my husband (8tracks annotations) come back from the war#i made a rule that i was not allowed to take any songs from the soundtracks#until it was all finished and then i can pepper the best ones in sparingly#(abraham’s daughter & gale song & everybody wants to rule the world r going on there for sure)#i wanted to make myself get really creative without the crutch of the soundtracks although they r bangers#like we HAVE to start with the woods by daughter because it’s about sisters.#and if you forget that the hunger games is a story about a girl who loves her sister you have lost the plot#o children by nick cave is about children killing and being cleaned up and shipped off on a train. like ok#eat your young is self explanatory#so is kill our way to heaven (really digs into the mentality of a tribute imo)#glory and gore is on there because i genuinely thought lorde made that song for the movie#die first? well that’s katpee to a T (people who call them everlark u are boring and people who call them peeniss that’s too much for me)#(i think katpee is the funniest ship name ever so i’m using it)#who are you really is like who are you. really. but also i have nothing left to lose / see me bare my teeth for you !!!!!!!!#GOSSIP BY MÅNESKIN. FINNICK SONG. SIP THE GOSSIP DRINK TILL YOU CHOKE.#17 by ladytron :| also a finnick song perhaps :| but works for the other victors also :| they only want you when you’re 17 :|#AND THEN FEED THE MACHINE IS SO MUCH FUN RAAAAAAAAA WTF IS A LABOR UNION HEY (HEY) YOU (YOU) FEED THE MACHINE#if you only listen to one song on the playlist is should be that one because its just such a banger#wires by the neighborhood is like help me kill the president we’re gonna send him straight to hell (and it rules)#and then feel something by jaymes young is about a young person who is emotionally damaged beyond repair 🙃 had to end it on that one
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Mmmmmmm ok so im very sorry folks, I meant to make some TCM content today but I got really busy and ended up not being at home so i didnt get a chance to make anything post worthy. rip... I will post some tho!! I'll make up for this i swear!! I'll finish stuff up so I can post it!!!! forgive me!
but uhhhh even tho today was busy, i did have a little bit of tequila when i was out in this evening after everything,,,, so when i did come home i actually just decided to rewatch Phantom of the Paradise instead of doing anything else like productive? (sorry again)
ive sobered up a little more now and i need to sleep but God damn man. it was so good to see the movie again. my husband was in disbelief the entire time. he both loved and hated it. he says it isnt a movie. I love the movie so much. the scene with The Phantom SPRINTING down the hall always kills me. it's such a raw shaky cam shot of him BOOKING IT i laugh so hard
and oh yeah,,, Winslow Leach. i love that tall nerd with the big blue eyes and thick-ass glasses and turtleneck sweater and fluffy hair!!! hes so fucking awkward and overly passionate and ugh! but also when he is the world's dorkiest goth bird man in the bodysuit with the black makeup im???? in love. im IN. love. i pretty much screamed in joy every time Winslow Leach was on screen bc I love that FUCKING DORK I LOVE HIM!!!! like why am I like this? why lmao
im gonna post all the fanart I've saved of this movie too bc it's all beautiful and amazing and I cant get enough. and yeah also the art and stuff I have too and some more tcm bc im still also obsessed with that too heehee
#William Finley just has this.... face. and body type. and performance style. that i really like ok#im simply drawn to him in this movie#he makes Winslow SO cute and SO nerdy in this wonderfully silly way but also SO dramatic too im in awe#I LOVE CHARACTERS WHO ARE UNIQUE AND CRAZY AND HAVE TOO MUCH PASSION AND CANT CONTAIN THEMSELVES#bc thats me i guess :)#also usually i like characters id gladly fight on the floor - currently chop top and nubbins#or characters that are so cute and i want to love them with all my heart - currently bubba#but Winslow is both and neither? i would be like aw cute but also steal his glasses and bully him and make him frustrated but then apologiz#and then touch his long slender pianist hands and say he's so talented and he might brush it off and accept it and it'd be all good#.... ok weirdly a lot of detail there sorry im. getting too into this hypothetical wtf (it happens) but um#i guess when it comes to the Phantom tho id just want to watch him run around and gasp and screech. idk. hes so weird and i love his drama#i want everyone to know i love my husband so much ik it's weird im gushing over another fictional man and mentioning him at the same time#but like it's not the same. i hope u all understand. my love for my husband is real and tangible. characters are.... different#just let me fantasize about the silly people i see in movies and stuff and compartmentalize it in my heart and brain ok. i cant help it#i always wonder how the fuck people see me when it comes to that but also if it bothers u i hope u get the difference like actually??? idk#not tagging#my life
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