#i know this is the time in my life where im supposed to be Starting A Career or whatever and moving to whatever city
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No Nut November
Multiple character headcannons
Authors note: this is the only November post y’all r getting so hahahahahhaahah. I rushed this just today so say thank you. Bye bye. (POST-TIMESKIP!!)
Warning: kinda suggestive but like y’all don’t do anything.
“You know what time of month it is, right baby?”
You asked your boyfriend, all while adjusting your makeup in mirror a cheeky smile on your face taking a quick glance at him sitting down on your bed watching you intensely.
“…it’s not our anniversary, is it?” He asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.
“What? No, I’m talking about it being November…y’know? No Nut November?”
He visibly shifts in his seat. He knew what you were going to ask him.
“you think you can last the month? Im willing to bet on it.”
The type to not even last a day
“Man that’s light work! I could easily last a month if I wanted to—"
He failed.
“Okay but it’s not my fault. Y-you decided to wear that out, not me!”
“You say it like I purposely did it to make you lose..”
“Because you did!”
He’s not accepting the fact that he lost on the day you challenged him.
Do you know how embarrassing that is?
Imagine how badly he’s gonna get teased by all his mates if they ever find out he couldn’t help but bust one on you!
“You better keep this between just us..”
Should he really be saying that when he’s the one who started tearing off your clothes and tossing them aside?
Should he really be saying that when he’s the one who pleaded for just a few minutes to enjoy you?
Should he really be saying that when—
“Why’re you looking at me like that!”
You were looking at him like he was an idiot. You really couldn’t believe what he was saying.
Was it really that bad he didn’t last that long?
I mean it’s sort of flattering to you, seeing that your boyfriend could get so turned on from just you wearing a nice outfit.
“Because you just sound stupid why can’t you admit you lost and call it a day?” You huff.
“Because it doesn’t count!”
He pouts, crossing his arms in annoyance, a faint blush creeping onto his cheeks as he turns away from you on the bed where you both lay bare, slick with each other’s essences from your prior…activities.
“And it’s stupid. This whole no nut November nonsense is stupid! I mean who would even come up with that kind of torture? why would someone want to restrict themselves from such a bliss that-"
You spend the rest of that evening listening to the poor guy complaining about how November is a stupid month.
Characters: REIGEN, Tenegn, Eren, Reiner, Hinata, Oikawa, BOKUTO, MAMMON, Leviathan, ASMODEUS, ITTO, kaeya, RAFAYEL (any character you like)
The type to last a week
“You sure you wanna bet on that? Y’know before we started dating I wasn’t the kind of guy who needed Intimacy in their life…"
He totally regrets saying those things because now they’re just gnawing at him.
This is all your fault, you hear him?
You- you did something to him okay?
Never in his life has he felt so…so…
Vulnerable?
Jesus, this was suppose to be a walk in the park so why do you suddenly look so...sexy?
You were just watching TV, but the way you curled up on the couch made your thighs press together in a way that was hard to ignore.
And that shirt of yours?
It was barely hanging on your shoulder, giving him a peek at your bra strap, while your hand rested on your stomach, revealing just enough skin.
Damn, even the way you bit your lips without realizing it was driving him wild—he couldn’t handle a whole month of this!
He was so caught up in you that he didn’t even notice how his body was inching closer.
It wasn’t until you turned to him, your noses almost touching, that he realized it.
Did you eyes always look so beautiful?
And your lips…they never looked this soft before.
“..you’re so gorgeous baby, is this some kind of punishment?..”
He gently cups your cheek, his lips almost brushing against yours when suddenly—
“What are you doing?”
This snaps him out of his trance before a deep blush spread across his face.
“I-I..I dunno? You just- well I thought…”
Yeah he sure as hell was thinking.
Thinking of all the ways he could have you!
He lets out a small whine, his brows knitting together in frustration.
“Can we just…not do this challenge anymore…please?”
I mean if he’s talking to you like that, who are you to say no?
Besides you could always just…edge him a lil right?
Characters: REIGEN (again), SERIZAWA, Rengoku, Armin, Jean, BOKUTO (again), CHOSO, Beelzebub, DIAVOLO, ITTO (again), Thoma, LIAOS (any character you like)
The type to barely last the whole month
“Why would you want to do that? We both know you’re not gonna make it."
“Well the challenge is for you! Not me!”
“...but my point still stands.”
His point sure as hell did stand and it hurt you to admit that he was right!
Already 17 days in and he hadn’t budged an inch.
How was this man still going??
You even tried to sabotage him, sitting on his lap only for him to laugh and gently push you off.
Kissing up his neck with your arms around his waist while he made dinner only for him to ask you to grab some spices.
Even you making crude dirty jokes, only for him to blush slightly and brush you off!
This was just getting ridiculous and now you were looking like the needy one!
“For someone who wanted me to take on this challenge, it seems like you’re the one feeling it the most.”
You shoot him a glare.
You were annoyed he was right.
Annoyed that he could still tease you, fully damn aware of what you wanted!
“You can hold out for another 13 days can’t you, sweetheart? I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”
What you didn’t realize was that these last few days were weighing on your boyfriend too.
He was doing a great job of hiding it when you were around, but when he was alone—
“Shit…”
He slammed his fist against the bathroom wall at work a growing tightness forming in his pants.
You just loved to tease, didn’t you?
Couldn’t you see this was driving him crazy too?
And to think you could send him such…things while he’s at work!
“Damn this…”
He was going to get his revenge; mark his words. Once this month wraps up, he was going to have his way with you.
And so he did yippee!! 😈
Characters: Giyuu, Kageyama, TSUKISHIMA, kuroo, IWAIZUMI, Akaashi, Ushijima, SUNA, Osamu, Geto, NANAMI, Lucifer, Satan, SOLOMON, Ayato, DILUC, Neuvillette, Writhoesley, ZHONGLI, Sylus, Zayne (any character you like)
The type to say they lasted the whole month (he jerked off)
“Babe come on, we both know I have some self restraint when it comes to you.”
“Do we?”
He shoots you a sharp look.
“Yes. We do. And I find it quite offensive you don’t believe I can last a simple 30 days without sex-"
You had to break it to him he couldn’t touch himself.
“I-I can’t?!”
Sure it was a lil surprising to him to hear that he couldn’t flick his tip and buss one little nut, but hey!
That wasn’t going to stop him!
I mean how would you ever find out he touched himself if you weren’t there, huh?
Simple as that!
“You’re...strangely happy today...something good happen?”
A few days had gone by since the challenge started, and November was finally winding down, which felt like a relief after those tough days.
The main reason for the struggle was your boyfriend’s constant whining about how his “body craved some kind of touch—anything!”
Now all of a sudden he’s happy days and roses.
You were suspicious.
“Who wouldn’t be? 30 days of war are finally over! Told you I could last.”
You give him a weird look.
It was almost too obvious that he had done something. That smirk was unmistakable—the same one he wore when he knew he’d crossed a line!
The same one he flashed when he’s trying to keep his secrets under wraps!
“You failed didn’t you.”
“W-what! Where’d ya get that idea?”
He finally admits to you after a while of back and forth he failed a few days after the night you challenged him.
At least he lasted a week in?
Characters: Dimple, Sanemi, TENGEN, Connie, Nishinoya, Ukai, Tendou, ATSUMU, GOJO, Toji, MAMMON (again), Belphagor, CHILDE, kaeya (again), CHILCHUCK, Rafayel (again) (any character you like)
#x reader#gojo smut#smut#aot smut#genshin x reader#genshin smut#itto smut#geto smut#jjk smut#haikyuu smut#bokuto smut#kaeya smut#obey me smut#demon slayer smut#reigen smut#giyuu smut#reiner smut#atsumu smut#choso smut#nanami smut#choso x reader#reigen x reader#gojo x reader#rengoku x reader#wriothesely smut#tsukishima smut#sub men#sub choso#love in deepspace#rafayel smut
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i hope im not asking for spoilers but what this game is actually about like living with trauma in the orpanage or something more? Because tbh im really curious about the story but im not really sure what else it can be about (please dont take it as hate😭😭) i was thinking like - learning magic and defeating the bad guy at the end of ch2 but i dont really think this game will be focused that much on revange/fighting.
Anyways im sure whatever youll create ill amd many more people will be happy because its so well written that i feel like you could just write a 1000 word story about a rock and id be so invested ill cry (youre an amazing writter and im glad im able to see your art)
Thank you! It is surreal to hear people say things like that. I'll see about the rock story at some point....
No worries, I am not so easy to offend :D It is a good question. And the answer is scary. Because it makes me doubt if we ever get there. Because the answer is that it is both about living with the trauma, and something more.
You can read the pinned post for some idea about the "overall" direction that is planned.
The rest will talk about what I would imagine the structure to be like and what I have divided it into in my notes. Read at your own peril. And also know that this is a very long term plan.
--------------------------------------------------------------
So the basic idea is that we have these "acts"
Where MC is at this age. The current act. The start of the journey so to speak. Getting used to life outside the "void". Everything is odd and new. Possibly a short time skip (weeks, months) during this act; or just make it into a new act.
2. MC is still a child but a couple of years into living at the orphanage. Basically the "living with trauma in the orphanage". This would be the phase where say MC is used to living at the orphanage, might get to venture out into the city. Is getting lessons about normal stuff.
3. MC is a teen/young adult in training. MC is actively in training and learning to fight.
4. MC is an adult. (The name of the IF and the pinned post do state what MC is supposed to become). MC goes out into the world with some companions to fulfill their duty.
Now does this make sense? There is a bigger background story but you can't really tell too much about it from this outline :D That bad guy at the end of C2 is supposed to start setting up some of the bigger background. Though I will freely admit, that it might be a tad too early for that interlude... but I can just move it a bit later if needed. I had it written so I included it :D I do things like that.
And this is not at all locked into stone. It is massively ambitious, meant to span a long time. I have already been quite honest that my outlines suck so who knows what will happen :D
I am taking it one day at a time, and refusing to worry about it too much :D Chipping away at it one tiny piece at a time.
#tales of wocdes#interactive fiction#the silver protector#wip#twine game#twine wip#fantasy#interactive novel#twine story
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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living alone & sick for the first time and have come across a difficult question: who washes the dishes when you're too sick/tired to do them for days at a time
#and also related. who buys groceries when you aren't really supposed to leave the house to go to the crowded supermarket#i know u can order groceries online hypothetically and have them delivered but im not having two entire boxes of tissues delivered#to my doorstep from a grocery store that's five minutes away. Like sorry thats my limit#i guess this is the part where having a community to help you would come in handy but uhh i dont have anybody?#nobody in my life is like ohh wow they feel back time to Come over and help them out. i think i could be paralyzed from the neck down#and nobody would come over to help me#for right now its not too much of an issue but if my cold gets any worse we will be in trouble!!#and im still not gonna go out until i start feeling better bcuz i dont want to get anyone else sick anyway#i guess its the “parents who are sick and also have sick kids” rule where u just do it anyway and it sucks#but there have been times where my sickness has been so bad i physically couldnt move or even make my bed so..... in that situation idk#that was a really bad flu i think#txt
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my uninformed american opinion is that i will be calling it derry not londonderry because im american and therefore will always support ireland if its ireland vs the british.
(i wasn't even going to post this but i wrote a whole essay in the tags so i don't want to waste that)
#i feel like i'm getting into very controversial waters here idk if i should say any of this#also. what do the actual people that live there call it bc i think that should be the end of it.#i saw on tiktok that the only foreign alliance that could make america turn against the uk would be ireland and i fully agree#(i live in new england. uhm. almost everyone here is irish) (irish american i suppose.)#i could talk about ireland and american relations. maybe i will.#here's my understanding of irish-american relations as someone who has never studied the topic in particular#but does have an interest in american history#first off. yes america is very good allies with the uk but culturally it's like. a bullying sort of thing. leftover resentment from the rev#i'm sure it's somewhat similar to everyone's resentment of america. maybe idk im not european#anyway america is built on underdog stories. thats like the foundation of our national culture. the american dream#and these stories started showing up innnnn .... the mid to late 1800s!!#do you know what also happened in the 1800s?#yup! irish people started fleeing their homeland to a better life (cough cough the americas)#so! in the time when stories about immigrants coming to america (the american dream- the most important part of us culture)#a ton of immigrants were irish! wow. do you see where i'm going with this#anyway about 9.5% of america is irish. which is A Lot (3rd most prominent ancestry)#and here in america bc being an immigrant and coming from immigrants and etc is kinda A Thing here#people typically hang on to their non-american identity#i mean i do. you can catch me talking about being french canadian a lot on tumblr.#another thing! even if you aren't irish american sometimes places r so irish that it kinda. blends into ur identification with a city#cough cough boston. cough cough massachusetts.#anyway . so. to recap#ireland and america share a common sorta not really enemy : the british. also they r the underdog which makes us sympathetic#And a lot of america has irish heritage and bc it's the us there's heritage actually matters (sorta)#and therefore the usa will always like ireland A Lot. or at least the people will.#rereading that i hope it makes sense#once again i am not a scholar and have not studied this topic these are just my inferences and observations#rain feathers talks#i will not be tagging this
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you ever go into a tag for a show or whatever and find several painstakingly created gif sets from interviews with the actors where they're just like. fully mocking fans? talking about them like they're the most despicable thing on this earth kind of bitter mocking. and on the one hand you're like, okay, i get it, fans can really be shit and get overly parasocial and think you owe them something beyond the work you created but on the other it's like. bro this makes me not want to engage with anything you do at all. ever. you don't have to sing your fans praises but you can do them the basic courtesy of professionalism and not ridiculing the entirety of everyone who both engages with your creative work and whose interest ultimately results in your paycheck.
#dan talks#dont expect this to breach containment but just in case locking it up#bcs there are like a million people out there who'll misconstrue what i said in a complaint post#theres just this air sometimes in fandom where actors etc go beyond boundary setting and into fanbase mockery#where ure supposed to nod along and mock as well bcs haha stupid fans but the whole time youre aware it includes u as well#ik this is a complex topic and a lot of stuff leads to creators getting bitter towards their fans#but oscillating between 'we love u give us money <3' and outright mockery just sits rly badly w me#creators i really love have started doing it too the last few months and its excruciating#to be clear i dont rly engage w anyone's private life ever and im lurker extraordinaire#i rarely know the actors' name much less care to watch their interviews and stuff thats meant to like give u a sense of peeking into#their private lives#and i have to assume those interviews are mandated?? so sometimes they provoke reactions not of their own volition and are thus bitter#idk lots of thoughts#i get it i rly do they're people too who get annoyed and do mean jokes about it like everyone else#but it gets a whole dif dimension when those mean jokes are public and get back to people they're said about#who are often not even the ones who did anything#the internet is not the privacy of ur friend group!! rules go both ways#managing your frustrations about being public and keeping to professionalism when you're online is a huge part of that job#you're a person too both means 'gtfo out of my house youre not my friend' and treating your job like it's a job and not a living room#gossip circle#maybe thats the thing??? that the comfort of a certain environment blurs the lines between professional and friend chat#just feel sad for those gif makers bro don't spend care and time on words that explicitly ridicule you#ok that's it for today thank you for tuning into dan central
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i need to talk about the dess raises kris au. or im gonna explode.
#chatter#GOOD TIMING TO THINK ABOUT AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY: EDITING UR TOH DAEMON AU LOL#like i can separate it out enough when im working lol but afterwards. oh its all deltarune babey!!!#been thinking a lot about dess and how i wanna write her#(aka im gonna canonize some mental stuff i've always kinda had in the back of my mind for her)#and GOD. dess. i forgive her for all her flaws <3#but no shes sooooo fascinating to me in this au its just. she was Eighteen. right in the middle of a pretty bad psychotic break.#the only person ever in her corner (asriel) Did Not Believe her and has always been real shitty about her undiagnosed mental illnesses#(dw we will come back to this i have a LOT of ideas for azzy lol he is. uh. not the best at the start!)#and so like. of course when it comes to kris her best was never going to be enough.#but GOD im soooo fascinated by like. she does genuinely really truly care for kris.#yes its messy and caught up in a bunch of other things but she LOVES THEM#even if she cannot ever love them in the way they want her to (ie as a parent loves a child)#and is it fair for kris? no! course it isnt!!!#but theres no changing the past and so. this is kris's life now#and its dess's life now. and they just have to live with what happened#thinking about the like. 6 months to a year where it was just dess and kris (before chara) and. god.#GOD. YOU GUYS.#sorry this au is. um. i think it is my everything. like.#if you know you know (hi stars lol <3) but. man.........man.#i have a lot of thoughts about. prophecy. and when translating that out beyond just story and into like. the real world#cause lets be real prophecy doesnt exist but things w this power of 'you are supposed to be x and cannot be anything but x' DO and#god. the dess raises kris au is So Much.#also yeah another acacia tags essay they simply hit differently <3#also enough to go into the main tag so#drkau#anyways lemme go back to editing lol
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starting to panic abt the move. im under so much stress.
#.txt#its been coming for years. weve been planning it for years. but now its 4 months away and its reslly starting to set in#being in wa feels right. when we went in oct it was the most 'right' ive felt in years.#seeing the mountain felt right. being in the rainforest felt right. i felt like i was exactly where i was supposed to be for the first time#since i was a kid. i know this will be good for me. i just dont know how im going to handle such a big task.#i was 12 when we moved to mn so i didnt have to deal with any of the moving process besides packing my room#so this is really big for me and its super overwhelming and i just want to shut down#but i CANT#its such a huge mental task and i know its going to be super stressful but i dont have the capacity to fully actualize everything until its#really happening. i need to talk to a therapist i need someone else to make sense of all the shit going on right now#i need someone to just take the fucking wheel for ONCE and tell me everything is going to be okay but so far every single adult in my life#who ive talked to is telling me its a stupid idea and we wont make it and its going to fail#i need someone on my side for ONE MINUTE#for the love of god can i please just have an actual support system for five minutes#can someone please just actually fucking support me for once instead of talking bad about every fucking decision ive made in my adult life#can someone please just fucking be my parent for once. i want my mom. i want my mom to tell me everything is going to be okay.#vent#vent in tags#i am so close to a breakdown but i cant fucking afford one. this cant happen rigjt now i need to hold it together for a little bit longer.#just a little bit longer
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Thinking 'oh I'll be able to find my way, I used to live here' and immediately remembering I lived here in a pandemic and rarely went out is not a great start
#ace is a mess#Uni pal#one of my friends was supposed to meet me at the train station but hes running late so were meeting somewhere else#and oh no. i rarely over where the train station is and was so disoriented that i just started walking ahyd hoped for the best#but heres the thing i cant describe a route to save my life but i usually know where im going subconsciously even if consciously#i have no idea where i am so i did actually end up taking the right turnings miraculously but i did panic#ahaha i got all the way to the station got transport and got off at my stop and boi is still late 😂#sir we was supposed to meet at 6:40 its 7:20 im not even mad its kinda funny i woulda stayed in the centre longer if i knew he wasnt ready#he said five minutes so i absolutely am timing him because i wanna see how long it actually takes him not out of pettiness
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paralyzed by wanting her
#cant eat cant do anything just so tired and want her#want her want her all the time#seeing her for 4 days every 3 weeks is nowhere near enough i need to live between her clothes and her body#i dont want to live like this i dont want to be constantly counting down the days until i can see her again#im at a crossroads in life right now and i need to start making plans for my future after this spring#but i dont want to make any plans that would put me far away from her again i cant do it#i know this is the time in my life where im supposed to be Starting A Career or whatever and moving to whatever city#but what if i just want to be with her what if i just want to live wherever she lives (and magically find a good & fulfilling job there)#and kiss her and make her dinner when she comes home#a nice sunny 1 bedroom apartment with wood floors and a sunny BATHROOM with a bathtub and in-unit washer/dryer bc she's a messyyyy bottom <3#is that too much to ask. huh.#in this economy honestly
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they should invent a world that doesnt make getting out of high school and being on your own absolutely terrifying
#feeling the stress from the fact that i have just about 6 months left before im out of high school#and thats horrifying to me. as much as i want to be out i have no idea where to even start with my life#i mean like college is normal and my next step definitely bc i cant afford to really take a gap year i think#and i have a bunch of good options that im applying to/have applied to#i just feel like even after my 13(+) years of schooling im still underprepared for whats ahead#but yeah sure. take up my time by making sure i know how to find the solutions to a quadratic#make sure i know how to calculate my country's real gdp as if those are numbers im ever going to / wanting to work with#ill be here waiting. knowing that this countrys school system is failing me and everyone i love#sorry this got so frustrating and borderline venty im just stressed. twas supposed to be a simple joke at first i prommy#gamey rambles
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person: *shows even the slightest hint of interest in music that I enjoy*
me: ah yes a new victim muhahahaha
#this is what listening to the wonder years will do to your personality#it's fun because it's so easy to steer the conversation into that direction#mention hobbies then music then ppl wanna hear it bc they haven't heard of it#then they express even the slightest bit of positive feeling for the music#and it's done#you have been caught in my trap#you will never find peace from me mentioning them every single time i see you for the rest of your life#i can't even think about the lyrics too hard because then I'll start infodumpjng to myself in my head#and then whoops it's been hours and I've just been hyping myself up thinking about how good the music is#i already know this information. i know it's good. i still need to scream ITS SO FUCKING GOOD THO in my head every so often lest i go insane#i haven't generated this much dopamine since I was in middle school and foaming at the mouth over fandoms#anyway if you're wondering what sparked this it's bc i made the mistake of listening to hum again this morning#then you're listening to wyatts song and thinking of screen door and whoops time to go listen to greatest generation in full again i guess#and do not even get me started on cardinals ii#you go from brothers & right into cardinals so it flows perfectly and then into cardinals ii and that is the peak of human emotion#i meed them to play all three in a row live and i need it to be recorded so i can listen to it even though the pure bliss may kill me#it just hits different when it's live bc in the studio version the drums stop when going from brothers & into cardinals#but the drums keep fucking going in the live versions there's an actual climactic peak where it fades right into the next and it is perfect#and they have live recordings going from brothers & to cardinals and cardinals to cardinals ii#but afaik they haven't played all three in a row yet. mayhaps next year......#though experiencing that live would probably permanently alter my brain#yes i am aware that i am very insane about them i cannot stop it and it is incurable#actually literally better than drugs imo#anyway look at me getting sidetracked on what was supposed to be a short tumblr break between studying for exams#i probably shouldn't listen to twy when im trying to focus on something else lol#you get into music bc it's the only hobby where you can enjoy it without dedicating extra time to it#and then it ends up taking over your thoughts and time way more than just doing regular people hobbies would have done#music#mine
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god. why does no one care about me in this damned house
#two days of hanging out with childhood friends having the best fun I’ve had all holidays just to be ruined by my brother#my god#firstly you have a complete fucking meltdown right before we’re supposed to leave despite you having a full 6 hours to prepare while im#in a rush to get in the car 10 mins after waking up because my mum didn’t wake me up#then you make us call you because you were feeling left out despite you specifically saying you didn’t want to hang out with these people#then the next day you agree to go and immediately start insulting me for laughs and then hitting me with hard plastic when I respond#you continue to do things to the rest of us and then complain when we do the same#eventually going to mum and conveniently ignoring any part where he hit me#then you act moody the rest of the damn day watching youtube and then say all that time watching YouTube was stressing you out#then I get home after a 40 min drive of josh crying over some unexplained problem with all the “stress” on his face leaving immediately#my mum asks me why I wasn’t feeling the best and I explain all the shit that josh did to me#and then she has the nerve to stay “why have you stayed so mad about this” as if josh doesn’t constantly pull this shit#apparently she thought all the times we didn’t fight were just normal?? as if I don’t have to constantly walk on eggshells around josh#and I had to explain how I constantly had to comprise for him and how I just for once wanted to have fun with my friends#and even then we constantly invited him to play with us#and then refused to#the two hour later I decide for once in my life to be vulnerable with my dad and get on the verge of tears explaining how I’m treated by jo#and how despite doing the actual limit to what I can mentally handle to appease josh he still treats me like dogshit#and he decides to make this about him and his brother and how their relationship worked#and then told me basically that my brother will never leave my life and I have to stay with him forever#I love my mother#My father and my brother not so much#but when it’s not about josh getting a pinprick and having to cancel a 2 week holiday#it’s about mum and dad and how they are going through a rough patch and constantly have to let us know#the only time it feels like I’m paid any attention to at all is when I’m with my sisters or I get a grade back#ughhhhhhhhhhhh#vent
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any time ive been scared or paranoid about something and ppl dismissed me bc of my past but i ended up being right- those ppl owe me 100 dollars.
#i've! never! even! believed! in! the thing! the way! you think! i did!!!!!#i believed in it! the way!!! I *SAID*!!!! I DID!#STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! ASSUMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER IS MOST CONVENIENT FOR YOU! AND TREAT ME LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL#PERSON WITH INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES THAT AREN'T UNI-FUCKIN-VERSAL!#FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK ABOUT ME OK??????????? FUCK!#ITS YALL THAT MAKE ME WANNA PULL OUT A KNIFE AND GO CRAZY OK#IM SO CLOSE SOMETIMES W YALL ISTG.#everything could be normal n fine if ya didn't treat me like im basically a criminal all the fuckin time?????? for no fucking reason either#literally just based on what one other person said? and even if its more than one person 1. do they know me? 2. do they have proof#they actually know me? 3. are you sure its not the same person on an alt account? 4. even if its not- most of the ppl in my childhood#ALSO liked to spread rumors about me bc im someone whos quiet and ppl think that means im untrustworthy and unpredictable when#really im becoming more and more non verbal SPECIFICALLY because people keep accusing me of shit im not even fucking doing#it all starts with an 'innocent' lie#and then tumbles out of control. and now theres a version of me out there that isnt even anything like me.#but its scary enough to keep people away from me. and people act like im supposed to be strong and just brush that off as no big deal#you try living your entire life where no one ever fucking listens to you when you talk about your experiences and who you are.#and then get back to me about how im supposed to be over it already.
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