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Looking for clues, evidence for the existence of the unnatural

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one of the best ways i’ve found to combat that inherent depressive pessimism without veering into toxic positivity territory is simply the phrase “i’m open to the possibility”

this particularly works with anything negative i’ve forecasted. “i woke up feeling like shit today, so my day is gonna suck” isn’t a particularly helpful thought, but “it’s a great day to be alive!!!!!” feels hollow and insincere when i have a pounding headache & am running on three hours of sleep

instead i’ll tell myself, “i really don’t feel good right now, but i’m open to the possibility that coffee and breakfast might perk me up a bit.” or “i’m in a lot of pain today, but i’m open to the possibility that my workday might still have fun parts despite that”

sometimes, when your impulse is to slam the door on anything good, but you’re not exactly up to going out & hunting it down yourself, leaving the door open just a crack makes all the difference

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sometimes i’m like “what am i so scared of?” and then remember that everything is so scary

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X-files silly drawings because I'm obsessed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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didn’t you believe in me?

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a lot of you bitches don’t understand that i’m coming wait for me. i hear the walls repeating. the falling of our feet and it sounds like drumming. and we are not alone. i hear the rocks and stones echoing our song. i’m coming

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Wonder Woman Variant Covers by Will Murai

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i saw a quote that said “i feel like i’m constantly worrying about the next part of my life without realizing that i’m right in the middle of what i used to look forward to.” and i felt that.

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I dont have an angel and a demon on my shoulder, I have Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Whenever something strange happens they will go back and forth arguing over science and science-fiction while simultaneously creating lots of tension between eachother, They then come up with some sort of comprimised truth and gaze at eachother longingly before going back to pretending they are not inlove.

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how to say “I love you” in x-files [5/?] ⤷ 1.03 — “Squeeze”

In our investigations, you may not always agree with me, but at least you respect the journey.

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my thoughts on the field where i died, as promised!

first of all, i just have to say, this episode is so visually stunning. glen morgan/james wong + rob bowman behind the camera is a dream team, and i’m inclined to be a bit more open to the content than i probably would be if it came from the perspective of another writer.

the criticism that i hear the most regarding this episode is that it implies that mulder and scully aren’t soulmates, but i've never interpreted it that way

the field where i died opens on an FBI raid of a cult in tennessee headed by vernon ephesian, where mulder intuitively leads the team to a bunker housing ephesian and his six wives, including melissa riedal-ephesian.

throughout the investigation, FBI focus turns to uncovering the location of the cult's weapons, in a search to find enough evidence to charge ephesian. otherwise, he will be released in 24 hours.

throughout the 24 hour holding period, multiple interrogations of melissa reveal not only the depth of the connection that mulder feels to her, but that she seems to exhibit multiple personalities, each with differing information about ephesian's crimes.

in what is possibly my favorite frame of the series, mulder suggests that these alternate personalities might actually be melissa recalling her past lives, and suggests that she try regression hypnosis, with the goal of revealing where the bunker holding the weapons is

this is where this episode starts to lose people, as both mulder and melissa undergo regression hypnosis, and both claim to recognize each other as their spouse in each previous life

however, as the wikipedia summary points out, the recollected histories all end with the two being separated.

melissa describes watching mulder's death during the civil war, while mulder describes witnessing her being taken away (by CSM?? i'll admit this is a weird one, folks) during WWII, with mulder having the line "we're always taken away."

also a frequent flyer in the past life regression session, is scully, who appears in each of mulder's previous lives, an occurrence he describes as souls coming back "different, but always together, again and again, to learn"

personally, i don't think that mulder and melissa being married in each life, or even the emotional connection that they have to each other, is implying that they're soulmates or supposed to be together.

i think that the repeated theme of mulder and melissa being separated and mulder and scully "coming together" in each life is the more meaningful note from morgan and wong. and more than that, i don't think that any of this matters at all.

if you recall, the goal of the regression hypnosis in the first place was to find the bunker. to locate the weapons, to charge ephesian, and to hold the cult members in custody.

ultimately, the regression doesn't assist in the investigation at all, and a planned FBI search of the grounds finds every member of the group dead in a mass suicide, including melissa.

the stand-out of this episode, however, comes before the revelation of the ending.

"dana, if early in the four years we've been working together, an event occurred that suggested or somebody told you that...we'd been friends together. in other lifetimes. always. wouldn't it have changed some of the ways we looked at one another?"

following mulder's regression, the episode pauses. and mulder asks scully (calling her by her first name, i believe for the first time since season one) if having known they were fated to come back together, to always be friends, would have changed things between them.

this is a conversation that is ongoing throughout the series, the question of fate vs. free will, and as the incredible @scullysflannel has written about before, mulder loves free will.

while fated past lives might be the MOTW, might be the supernatural phenomenon that we're focusing on, that doesn't mean that the episode, or mulder, comes out on the side of fate.

fate can't find the bunker. fate doesn't save anyone's life.

frequently, when this debate is brought up, as is scully's involvement in the x-files.

scully was assigned to the x-files, she was positioned there by CSM purposefully, and they both know that. but she has chosen to commit herself to the cause, and specifically to mulder. she sought him out when they were shut down, she describes herself as having "followed" him, and she continuously fights to stay involved in his journey.

this is something that mulder rebels against from time to time, feeling responsible for the things that have happened to her since she became involved in his quest

and feeling that there's more for her than what a life with him offers.

in fight the future, he tells her to leave and go be a doctor. in requiem, he laments "everything that's been taken" from her, including her health and chance at being a mother.

over 15 years later, in nothing lasts forever, he admits to the scenario he envisions, a world where she "left that basement office" and married some brain surgeon, became everyone's boss at the FBI, her family and health and babies intact.

regardless of the underlying level of guilt and responsibility that he always feels when it comes to the losses that scully has suffered

he needs this life to have been her choice, for her autonomy in that decision to have been intact, for a life with him to not have been her irrevocable, and somewhat tragic, fate

and so in the field where i died, shortly after exploring the connections of his past, he looks up at her and asks...if this were all because we're supposed to know each other, would it have been different?

and she tells him, no.

the way that in fight the future she tells him that she'll be a doctor, but her work is with him. the way that in requiem she told him that she won't let him go alone. the way that in nothing lasts forever she told him that she doesn't begrudge him anything, that her "leap of faith forward" is the future she wants with him.

maybe they have been friends in every life that they have ever lived. maybe they are fated to always come back together, to always learn from each other.

but fate doesn't save the day, fate doesn't show you what you need to find.

they choose each other, and more than anything else in this episode, that's what he needed to hear.

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This 'Field Where I Died' exchange has always bothered me, where Mulder says, 'If early in the four years we've been working together an event occurred that suggested, or somebody told you, that we'd been friends together in other lifetimes, always... wouldn't it have changed some of the ways we looked at one another? And Scully says, 'Even if I knew for certain, I wouldn't change a day.' Then she says well, except for that flukeman thing. That's nice and all, but I always felt like she was answering a different question. He was asking her about them, about who they were to each other, not whether she had any regrets. I always felt disappointed in her answer, like she dodged the question. Thoughts?

I feel like that's kind of essential to their relationship, and one of the things we love so much about it. Everything is oblique or shrouded in shadow. They talk directly about so many things, but so rarely about what there is between them. Each time one of them opens up, the other one has to deflect in some way. Their love is too bright to look at directly. To discuss it is to open the ark of their covenant with each other. They're not sure they'll survive. Even her serious answer has to be tempered with a joke. But I do think you're right - she's not answering about their potential multiple lifetimes. She's skating past that assertion and just answering about the last four years. I honestly think that question is something of an apology on Mulder's part, because he was kind of a jerk to her at first. He's saying I didn't know. I couldn't know. And she's telling him It's all right. You couldn't know. There are so few moments that she doesn't show her trust in him - even in Wetwired, you can feel her fighting against the idea that he's betrayed her. They've pledged allegiance to each other.

I think the kindest interpretation of this odd moment in this odd episode, which in its attempt to set up a different soulmate for Mulder ends up reaffirming his connection with Scully, is that it's both of them feeling a little bit of a sense of relief that the depth of their connection makes sense. If they've known each other for lifetimes, the mud and the rain and the quiet hotel room in Oregon make sense. Her willingness to confront other government officials and possibly shoot them to get him back in their second case together makes sense (although the timeline of Deep Throat does not, haha). His devastation over her abduction makes sense. The fact that she shot him, drove across the country to save him, and learned an ancient but living language on his behalf makes sense. All the things their families didn't or don't understand about what they mean to each other are easier to brush aside if there are centuries of companionship and love behind it. They're not being foolish or codependent or toxic or whatever. They're deeply and intricately linked together by circumstances beyond their control. Meeting each other was coming home.

Also they're both very pretty in this episode thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

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The X Files 4.03 The Field Where I Died / Hozier, Francesca

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even if i knew for certain, i wouldn't change a day

the greek myth of laelaps and teumessian │ heartlines, florence and the machine │ albert einstein