#i know how venting on the internet is

[mikittalabs]

aggh my brain's back on its bullshit again and i've decided to screech into the aether instead of my sister's dms lol. think i ranted about this friend of mine in the tags of a post i reblogged a week or so ago but i think he can have his own post now </3.

it's going under the cut because i'd feel bad if this post just showed up on someone's dashboard or something

so like i've realized i've put more of myself into this friendship than he ever has and gotten pretty much nothing out of it. and it'd be so easy to just block and leave but i've known this guy since i was like a couple months old and i'm 20 now.

like i've bought games he's recommended and played them with him, i've learned fighting games so i could play with him, i drew a stupid meme for his streams, i'm like his only twitch mod, i've talked about resident evil and fire emblem gameplay with him.

recently, i realized he does like none of that for me. he ignored my recommendation to play sephonie, he said mutant mayhem looked dumb, i doubt he's watched nimona, he's basically left me on read when i talked about resident evil lore or tmnt. i've mentioned my interest in writing and drawing in his streams and he's never shown any interest except for that meme i drew (this one).

apparently he's been outright ignoring anything my sis has said to him that doesn't interest him for years now and i just never noticed.

he's just kinda started venting in my dms 3 times now unprompted in the past 6 months. 2 of those times i tried my hardest to give whatever advice i could think of, i don't think he listened to any of it. the third time was recently after i like, opened my eyes to his bullshit. i just didn't respond, it's not like he would've listened. i felt so gross ignoring him the 3rd time.

so why. am i still so conflicted about it. like i came to this conclusion maybe a month ago now. i've backed away from his streams and i feel bad. if he texts me, i feel bad. if i think about him, i get mad, but if i ignore him, i'm mad at myself. trapped between a rock and a hard place and i'm doing the thing my other friends and family have told me to do.

i have a headache. my chest fucking hurts. i'm pretty sure i've been on the verge of dissociating this week. everything feels fuzzy. i don't even know what emotions i'm experiencing right now.

[hbosscreations]

This is why people beg you to read the source material

For those who don't know who this is, John Constantine is a comic book character currently owned by DC.

He is NOT Aromantic or Asexual, he has been canonically bisexual since at the 90s, though he's been queer coded since the 80s, and has had several long standing romantic relationships that have been pivotal to his character into his most recent run of comics.

The man's also a freak in bed who actively loves sex, that's canon for his character.

This kind of shit makes me so tired. Anyone who doesn't know who Constantine is, is going to be so confused if they do learn about him, and anyone who does know who he is will just be annoyed and mad. Why do it?

[wishchip106]

i wonder how long it took for charles to get out of his habits and depression after dofp

putting my problems on charles lmao

charles not wanting to change but knowing he needs too because nothing beneficial will come out of staying in his sad little bubble of alcohol and the serum.

i find it kind of unrealistic to just be able to get out of that hole. he would be going through two different types of withdrawal and his ex kinda broke his heart again

the main reason he got out of the house was because logan told him about the future and that his sister was going to be tortured and experimented on

he would also have to get re-used to not using his legs AND telepathy

bro stronger than me damn

i feel like mental health was also definitely not treated the same way it is now compared to the 70s so he pretty much just has hank as a support beam

change is an incredibly difficult thing so i bet it took at least a few years for charles to heal from all those years of drinking and taking too high a dose of the serum and depression. even then he still clearly has some lingering habits as we can see in dark pheonix he resorts to drinking whenever he struggles with something (and this is 20 years after dofp)

this guy crazy forreal

[zaunbinary]

“jinx is just as bad as caitlyn! the double standards with zaunite characters is crazy!” yeah maybe so??? caitlyn, born to a politician of a privileged city, using said citys resources to unjustly attack an entire nation with unnecessary force and police brutality because she’s upset with some of the people that live there holds so much more weight than what jinx does. if caitlyn specifically started targeting JUST jinx with cruelty it’d maybe be different but she’s attacking a whole city of innocent people. and if your knee jerk reaction to that is “they weren’t all innocent” i’m going to need you to sit with yourself and contemplate wether you seriously think attacking a bunch of people simply because there’s a CHANCE one of them might be guilty of something is reasonable. where a character in arcane is from is important to every and i mean EVERY action they take. “it isnt that deep” oh but it is!! the sociopolitical conflict between zaun and piltover is literally one of the pillars the show is built off of!

[littlemindcreeper]

I found a spideypool Mpreg anti abortion fanfic once.

I just needed to confess that. The author didn't realize they were anti abortion. It was so bizarre. At the end of the chapter they put a link to this subtly anti abortion website where it showed graphic depictions of the abortion process to sad classical music. I don’t remember if it was Abo or he was trans but I think it was Abo. This was within the last year or two.

[skellydun]

starting to realize why I never used twitter or reddit after my carefully cultivated internet enclosure gets broken into

[sleepyyghostt]

any time i remember that trump supporters are in any way associated with christianity i feel fcking insane

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

[kkoct-ik]

the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years

i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[thechaotichorselord]

a RANT. (tw for stalking)

Hey! I just saw something that reminded me.

If you support stalkers, kindly leave my blog!

I don’t care if they have mental issues, I don’t care if they aren’t okay, stalking is NOT GOOD!

I will not be worrying about somebody’s mental problems when they are doing heinous things!

The stalker who I’m referring to has blocked me as I have blocked them, but if they somehow find this:

You make me feel ill. Not only did I consider you a friend but I thought you’d at least try to improve! Sob stories will NOT make what you did any less bad. I’m aware you held yourself accountable, but you have to know what you did was wrong.

If somebody shares this with the person, I don’t CARE! I’m sick of all this bullshit people do! You’re stalking someone? You’re harassing them? Oh, you feel BAD about it? You’re stating how much you regret it? Then fucking DO something! Stop fucking harassing them! Block them and move on! You have no excuse to invade someone’s privacy the way you did!

Sorry for the rant, I’m just pissed off about the whole incident.

If there’s something I can’t stand its people who use their issues as a shield.

I’m sorry if I said something perceived as wrong, I’m not good at writing this stuff out.

Oh, and the stalker I was talking about was G_G. If you are aware of what she did and support her you are PART OF THE PROBLEM.

[outeremissary]

US moment (cringe), but had to go to a meeting at work today (first of more I suspect) about what to do if our jobs become illegal 😭 I'm glad my boss has made us talk about this since June so no one is freaking out and everyone is ready but Woof. Everyone wanted that to be paranoia talk, y'know?

[oceania627]

I need to talk to people that I think are cool more often but also IT'S SO SCARY

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IT??? ALL THESE COOL INTERNET PEOPLE ARE JUST... HERE!! AND THEY'RE ALL AWESOME AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO THEM BUT THEY ALL SOUND SO LOVELY BUT ALSO THE THOUGHT OF SAYING "Hi!" IS TERRIFYING. WHAT DO I DO.

I literally watch other people having conversations together on the interwebs and go "that looks fun! I should try it!" AND THEN I DON'T.

[holycorrupt]

Art advice I hate

"You're not growing because you're not putting heart and soul into it, and people can tell 😇"

Fuck off

[spinecurlingmice]

being autistic in fandom spaces is like really miserable because iiiiiii miss social cues a lot. and text cues i either miss frequently or interpret differently than intended. which makes me analyze characters different and need things explained of what was like. Actually meant. but sometimes people are assholes and that always sticks with me a lot more than anybody calmly explainging it to me ever will

[causalityparadoxes]

How to politely tell someone on the internet to fuck off