#i just would apply or do the work bc fuck it why not
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completely honestly i went back to college just to see what would happen and now i’ve finished 4 semesters am a double major and beginning my second fellowship in the fall
#wtf#it feels like i did this all accidentally#like i didn’t mean to#i just would apply or do the work bc fuck it why not#and then it just ends up being good#and i end up liking it#so i do it again#here we are now#also i’ve been on the deans list twice which is weird to me bc in high school#i was a 79 average all 4 years#literally never made it to that 80 lmfao#with just a little support and compassion i could have#also technically my Third fellowship bc i’m doing one right now#but it’s only 5 hours a month so i forget about it sometimes#the other one was only meeting a few times a month too#the new one for fall is once a week though and sometimes more#it will be fun it’s about public policy and political economic advocacy#it’s so nerdy of me yes but i love it VVV MUCH#i love learning things ab how the economy and political systems work together#capitalism basically#i love understanding it so i can make my own thoughts when i read the news on economic issues#never thought i’d be a college kid bc i hated being a high school kid and barely made it#so it still feels weird like a trick or joke#also still traumatized from high school so the idea of struggling in classes is a big fear of mine#i hated chemistry last semester#taking that on purpose was a mistake#i thought it might be okay bc college teachers have been nicer than high school ones#but i guess stem teachers still suck no matter the level#it’s not bc of the topic but it’s bc people in stem are more often there for high paying jobs and not bc they find the subject interesting#that’s why i like art and humanity majors bc they are doing something more out of passion than profit bc those aren’t six figures or shit
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so there's a reason my new job got back to me so quickly about my application and that's bc it's an absolute fucking shambles like actually perfect timing for me to decide to rewatch the bear bc i have never more felt like ive been thrown into a broke on-its-knees establishment trying to crawl its way up the ladder where i am somehow a godsend to them. my old job was crazy and shambolic in the sense that the industry is just Like That but this one?????? insanity. every 5 mins i am questioning what im doing with my life. ive already had a walk-in fridge moment
#so i explained before that there's 3 venues and on my very first shift they had me doing the restaurant venue for 2 hours#which was FINE like i was a bit cautious bc my manager is VERY stressed all the time and the place generally feels like it's falling apart#not the building itself just. the way it's run like it's just got new owners and the previous manager apparently#EMPTIED THE TILLS AND TRASHED THE PLACE like cost them THOUSANDS of pounds and on top of that#there was beef with the head chef and the new owners that meant he left and took the ENTIRE BACK OF HOUSE WITH HIM#THERE ARE NO KITCHEN STAFF ATM. I HAVE TO LIE AND TELL CUSTOMERS WE DONT HAVE FOOD ATM BC OF 'REFURBISHMENT'#WHEN IN ACTUALITY THE /RESTAURANT/ DOESNT HAVE CHEFS. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS#and then the front of house staff are very lacking aside maybe 2 people we're ALL NEW and all of them EXCEPT ME#LIKE LITERALLY JUST ME IM THE ONLY EXCEPTION. ALL OF THEM ARE UNTRAINED#so when i applied with bar training coffee training and very solid waitressing skills they genuinely treated me like a saviour#like i am FENDING off shifts tbh im in a v good position bc they need me too much to get shitty w me if i refuse hours but i can literally#have as many as i want bc they will just give me them. like they're obsessed w me im rota'd for over 60 hours this week#but anyway that very first shift after 2 hours in the restaurant i then walked to the mini golf venue on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN#and my manager stayed for 30 MINUTES. IF THAT. and showed me around the place + how to close THEN LEFT ME THERE#FIRST DAY HE GAVE ME THE KEYS AND LEFT ME TO RUN AN ENTIRE VENUE. IT'S NOT SMALL EITHER IT'S A WHOLE BAR#AND I HAD TO CLOSE ON MY OWN TOO and ironically the shift itself went rlly well like it was so chill#it was kinda boring but honestly i kinda rated it it's v easy money and the close went perfectly nothing cropped up that i was unsure about#and then. AND THEN. i havent even ranted to my mutuals about this yet bc i was acc so horrified by it but i locked the front doors#and went to lock the gate AND THE KEY GOT STUCK IN THE LOCK. WOULD NOT COME OUT. HELLA VS KEYS ROUND 3927593#my mum even showed up and tried to help me wrestle this thing out i called my manager and he literally told me to just snap it#bc he'd rather a snapped key that NO ONE could get out than just leave it there overnight but bc of my recent house key moment#i was like AM I FUCK SNAPPING THIS KEY. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING. so i had to just leave it and at the time#i was realllyyyyyyyyyy beating myself up but my manager is actually rlly nice he's just stretched v thin#and ive also had time to be like uhh actually they shouldnt have left a random 21 y/o girl alone with the keys on her first day#omg i havent even talked about what happened on saturday. ACTUAL SHAMBLES#LIKE THIS /\/\ ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO EVERYTHING! IM RUNNING OUT OF TAG ROOM! IM GONNA REBLOG THIS TONIGHT W MORE PROBABLY!#BC GUESS WHO IS WORKING A CLOSE LATER AT THE NIGHTCLUB THEN OPENING THE RESTAURANT AT 8AM. GUESS#hella slaves to capitalism
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Hywel is inspired by a mix of my issues with stories with nonhuman protagonist/about nonhumans becoming human AND vet posts ive seen warning people about the dangers of anthropomorphisizing animals. Its fine to joke about your pets doing things out of spite or other human emotions, it does put you at risk of not being able to read their body language correctly. Cats dont cry out of sadness, a cat crying, with actual tears streaming down its face, is a sign of a medical issue. A dog smiling isn't doing it bc its happy, it means its nervous. Not being able to spot these is bad, and sometimes even dangerous, for you and the animal.
If you never get past Hywel's human appearance and treat him like one its like getting a reactive dog, doing zero research or training, and then taking it to a dog park. If Hywel mauls someone in town then its on you.
#hywel struggles a lot with good vs bad things specifically#he makes decisions based on what makes him feel good or bad (like most people) but#if you explain something being bad to him using emotional reasons (it makes you a bad person‚ its an awful thing to do‚ its gross)#he genuinely will not get it#he'll try to stop! just bc he was told to stop! but he doesn't know how to apply it to other situations#murder for example#he's immortal death doesnt have the same meaning to him#and he doesn't particularly care about people outside of arisen#they're entertaining he finds them fun. they're critters to him#but he's not bothered by them dying#arisen dying is bad bc it means he failed his charge. he cant die. regular people dying? eh whatever#so he doesn't really get why murder is bad#if ur in vernsworth and tell him no then he'll be like i dont understand but ok!!#its only bad in vernsworth bc thats where you said no at!! everywhere else is fine !#he's not trying to find loopholes!!! he genuinely doesn't get it and is doing his best to work with what he's given!!!#his way of thinking is p straightforward and logical though#so you have to explain stuff by how it effects him and how the cons of doing it outweigh the benefits#hywel u cant murder people you dont like bc if we allowed that people would kill merchants and then you couldn't buy stuff#anyway bonus scifi au stuff while im here#hywel would remember the time loops and would do whatever it takes to keep the crew safe#but the thing is. cosmic horror hywel doesn't really understand time or how the loops are fucking people up#he knows the false dawn losing its crew was bad. he doesn't understand WHY its bad‚ but he knows it is#and he loves this crew! theyre funny and some of them are fun to chew on. enrichment.#he's gonna do whateve it takes to keep this crew safe and together. on the ship. y'know‚‚‚ bc the other ship losing its crew was bad#restarting a loop means nothing to him. yeah he's gotta start over with his friendships but thats fun! enrichment!#hes a creature time means nothing to him#beginning of the loop all his friends are here :^) he's completely unaware of how its negatively effecting people#anyway i cannot stress enough he isn't doing this to be malicious he's just doing his best#someone would absolutely realize he was doing this early on and if you tell him to stop he will#but yeah better hope you can explain why he cant do that well enough or hywels gonna unintentionally find every loophole
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medical websites love to be like “how to stop having physical stress symptoms: 1. be in less stressful situations 2. don’t be stressed”
#oliver.mp3#girl for one i have anxiety for two stressful things continue to happen#sorry but taking deep breaths and going for walks will not fix my moms broken leg or get me another job#or get me back the $6000 i just spent on my cat’s er vet bill#meditation doesn’t pay the rent#i still haven’t done anything creative since the year started pretty much#bc i feel like i shouldn’t be focusing on anything but how to fix my situation#time spent drawing is time i could be spending applying for jobs. why would i spend time writing when it’s not making me money#i’m sick of living like this like truly it has been the last whole fucking year and it just keeps getting worse#what did i do to deserve this like truly why me#why do these events feel so specifically calculated and timed to drain our bank accounts and stress me out further#i think abt that phrase it has to get worse before it gets better. so every time something happens i’m like ok it’s gonna get better now#but somehow it continues to get worse#i feel like i’m watching my entire life crumble away right before my eyes everything me and my mom have worked for is just dwindling#and i’m only fucking 20
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one more post while i am insane but i do think maybe Wanting to live should be ... enough to live. like can it just be all that is needed maybe. instead of [gestures vaguely at capitalistic society] all of that. a person should just Want to be alive and be allowed to live and given what they need to live. i dont want to have to beg and grovel for the ability to keep myself alive, i already did that (and continue to do that!) with my parents and now apparently i have to do that with the govmt and just... Everything.
#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#this is mainly just. why do i need to work when i Cannot work.#i wanted to work ! i really did ! but then things did not line up properly and now i am fucked !!!#and i cannot get onto disability bc that would involve so much sneaking around getting shit done and i Cannot risk it#i have simultaneously nothign to lose and everything#like. if i get caught by parents applying for disability then i will be in so much fucking trouble#my already nearly intolerable living situation will get Truly Intolerable. and then i'll be dead basically#and i dont even really qualify for disability bc i can Do stuff still. i just... can't do it often enough to make a living.#regular ass ppl can barely make a living. i'd never even come close#me when my disability is disabling enough to Need disability payments but not disabling enough to Qualify for disability payments 🙃🙃🙃#straight up i am tired. i am so tired. i cannot see a way of living past whenever my bank account runs out.#like no i dont want to kms but yeah im gonna kind of have to ... ?????#because what do i do fhsdfjkl there is not a way to live !!!! idk man its fine its just fucked up#i'll go eat some food and not think about this. i feel like a rat stuck in a death maze#no matter which exit you take u know ur going to be euthanized at the end. ARGH !!#suicide tw
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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fngfdjngjdfkng
#bro fucking stupid like why did i just not look at applying to masters until now#i'm so dumb like ig it was bc i ws just like i'm not gonna do masters im just gonna try to get a job#which like how the fuck am i supposed to do that lmao but#now i dont think i can even apply for masters at my school at least#bc i need fucking letters of rec and the deadline is the 15th#and i Barely have 2 ppl i would ask for letter of rec idek if the second one counts lmfao if she's not at my school#jfc im so why do i have to think about the future :c i just wanna do glowstick club things that's why i haven't been thinkign abt this lmfa#yeah so now i dont think i can do masters here :c which also means i dont have that as a reason to hang around and stay in glowstick clublo#i could still do that but#ugh whatever im trying to write a fucking cover letter rn for a job i hate this already i've barely done anything lmfao#i dont super understand the job description which is maybe a sign i shouldnt apply lmfao but it's like#data science w my year and i feel like i meet some of the qualifications so#just gotta somehow bullshit another paragraph of this cover letter together#i also dont even know if i actualy wanna fucking do a data analyst job like#i kinda wanna work for like a non profit or smaller org kinda thing all this shit sounds hella boring that i keep seeing for bigger#companies lmao which im not saying would no be the case for smaller but#idk i jsigsdfhjlbgpidwurhgbipwdhgfudjshlk why did i start this so late LMAO#i had a job opening that i was gonna apply for that looked pretty good and i felt pretty qualified for just based on the listing#and the deadline was the 15th but it fucking disappeared the job isnt there anymore ig im so sad lmfao#as;lkfngbjifbgqipurgipqhrgfipuaf i hate this :DDDDDD#jeanne talks
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put on tshirt after doing yardwork (cuz i got hot) and my mom immediately commented "look at YOU in bArE aRmS"
so i put on my long shirt again
#me and my mom#no matter how upset i get or tell her to keep her comments to herself... she won't#i'll knit a whole-ass fucking sweater and she'll immediately say 'it's too short'#thank u for invalidating every fucking thing i do and/or make#i made beef stew and it actually turned out good but all she could say was 'the house smells like onions.'#and then i'll see a job listing for something i don't have experience with/can't do and she'll get mad at me and aggressively#tell me 'you can do anything! library work translates to (job field that library work doesn't translate to)'#and it's just so frustrating bc she obviously has this idea of me in her head and i just don't match up#the whiplash from the 'you are so smart and you can do anything!' abt hypothetical things to the 'it's too short' abt things i actually do#'i don't like the color' 'i don't like the neckline' 'i don't wear wool' (it's not a sweater i made for anyone but me)#'oh look at you wEaRiNg ShOrTs' 'oh look at you wEaRiNg a sKiRt'#and danny got fat and she keeps commenting on it and all i can assume is that it's ALSO a comment on my putting on weight#but then we eat at fucking Popeye's for lunch twice a week#and no matter how much i say 'please stop making me eat junk food' we keep going#she doesn't leave the house on her own. she won't let me leave the house on my own#i had more freedom as a 16yo than i do now#wonder why i'm so FUCKING miserable and depressed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i left a decent-paying job! for nothing!! i'm just sitting here and rotting and the library system here sucks and they STILL haven't#gotten back to me even though i applied in FUCKING DECEMBER#she can't finish a meal anywhere so anywhere we go i have to eat half of her lunch. so it's not stuff i would pick anyway#how do you even apply for jobs and put anything in your 'skills' when you're so fucking miserable you wish you were dead
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New law that anyone who works in an office cant have an opinion on my job because they fundamentally cant understand what im doing
#sorry if youre proud about sacrificing your dreams for a paycheck you cant tell me what im not doing isnt worth it bc its in your opinion a#poor roi#like fucking maybe but also maybe not everyone needs to sell their soul maybe youre just bitter that you are#stuck in middle management business hell#oh you got a job? *pulls out calculator* doesnt look like it will be worth it in the long run though#like fuck off youre the one getting an online business phd asshole#stop tell me to work in hr stop it stop it stop it stop it#stop telling me to get a sales job fucking stop i mean it when i say i will kill myself first#god why is everyone on earth so business pilled there are more life paths out there i promise i PROMISE#maybe you wont make 100k a year but fuck you might be free#sorry i would rather travel the country and excavate human remains?? walk through the woods the mountains the swamps?!#do something meaningful like preserve archaeological resources and not make a ceo money?? you have one life and you look down on me for not#dedicating mine to making a ceo money????#sorry i would rather enjoy my job and life??#i dont fucking understand why when i hit 25 suddenly EVERYONE is like ok but youre too old for dreams time to work in hr#fucking excuse me?? so the plan is tell kids to undergrads to follow their dreams and as they obtain them tell them that was stupid are you#kidding me??#im fucking losing my mind i fucking hate you all just bc its not a nine to five doesnt mean its not viable#in fact its MORE viable i got the first fucking job i applied to!!! how many fucking people get the first hr job they apply to jesus christ#no i will actually go into data analysis and get 300 rejections bc i have zero background in it good fucking plan#yall im so mad#pulling out a calculator immediately to tell me my choice is bad fuck off
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#once again begging myself to quit this FUCKING job#i swear i can feel myself becoming a worse person with every passing day#bc i hate it here & everyone else is ALSO jaded and annoying here and i can hear myself mirroring that & just letting my annoyance show mor#and the newest victim i mean employee i'm (badly) training doesn't deserve that and it makes me have honest self-loathing#when i hear myself#i just. SCREAM. CAN THINGS JUST WORK CAN I JUST DO WHAT I HAVE DO WE HAVE TO ADD MORE AND HAVE ISSUES#WHY IS THIS EMAILS JOB CAUSING ME MORE DISTRESS THAN RETAIL EVER DID#there are other annoyances bc everything just loves to pile up at once but UGH#would love to have energy to actually APPLY for other jobs once i finish wasting my allotted Anxiety Hours at this one#not that those fuckers reply either but at least i'd feel like i did something#but also sure would be nice if literally anyone ever replied or said yes!!!!#i have a college degree™ and for WHAT#sure it allegedly allows me to apply more places but they sure as fuck don't respond#hate and misery on planet earth#personal#negativity#edit: and now the fast food place i was already mad about having to eat at due to time constraints gave me the wrong sandwich. Of Course.
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i am not doing well rn
#this job isnt what i thought it was gonna be and i was up all night freaking out about my life choices#i think im gonna start applying to different jobs#its not that the job itself isnt what i thought. its that this place is shady as hell and i do not feel comfortable being a part of this#the owner does a lot of illegal shit that he can get away with bc its a 'private business'#like. i havent even met him yet. im meeting him today and all of my coworkers have terrified me#theyre like 'oh hes great once he gets to know you but hes gonna try to find a reason to fire you at first'#'he wants to make sure that you *really* want to work here' like what kind of shit is that???#like literally the past three days my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF because ive been scared for this day to come#but also maybe theyre making it out to be worse than he really is??? but even my most responsible coworkers are afraid of him#idk what im getting myself into and i am just Scared. and im anxious about money too. bc i can only work 6 hour shifts at this place.#sure im paid weekly but its still a lot less than what i was getting paid before simply bc of the amount of hours they make me work#i just feel like i keep making mistakes :( and i cant get myself out of them no matter how hard i try#like im considering going back to my old job if theyll let me back in but at the same time why the FUCK would i do that!!!#that place was a mistake too but unfortunately also the highest paying job i will ever have :')
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3 straight days of work starting tomorrow at the Hilton, then next week I’m booked in for waiting shifts there again for a couple days and hopefully I’ll get shifts at this other fancy place I done waiting shifts at before next week too coz it’s cool working there and I need the shifts lol
Is it sad I’m excited to work lol? I haven’t worked since the 6th and I’m so use to a busy schedule with work I’ve been kinda going crazy lmfao
#work#it’s all waiting/wine waiting/bar stuff . mostly waiting tables or wine waiting or plate waiting#it’s a fancy function tomorrow I had to find a black tie that would fit me coz I’m so small lmfao#i applied for those shifts might get booked in. hope so. it’s a temp agency app this one#my other main work has no shifts rn or they’re mad at me and if so idgaf lol#I done nothing ok maybe I skipped work a few times with excuses but I was very depressed and not even caring at the time#i pick and choose my shifts even with the main company I work for however they may ask me a favour to do a shift out the blue and if I can#and I want to I will and I do enjoy it. but I have applied to other bars with more stable hours tbh#but I can still do temp work but idk about my main work bc it isn’t agency it’s just..they staff..#various venues and bars but they’re the main ones if that makes sense?? lol#rambles in tags#what happened was I gave myself time off but then I got very dark and depressed lol and declined shifts but now I’ve gone mad and am trying#to book every shift available that I enjoy which is bar/waitressing . IDK WHY I WNJOY IT#bar work is the best but I still enjoy waitressing. I’ve had some shitty jobs man. i enjoy it but it’s more than that ifk#I don’t question it if I’m happy I’m happy. I’m quite bubbly irl kinda annoying to some but whatever#worker at this Hilton so many times but usually it’s breakfast/afternoon tea service but this is a fancy function but I’ve done loads#of those but point is: different permanent staff idk work there whereas I’ve gotten to know ALL the fucking morning:afternoon staff &#they’ll be at another part probably which isn’t far away lol I just wonder who tf my manager tomorrow will be#but I know my temp agency worker will be there for everyone this time but she isn’t usually they must be desperate for staff she’s known to#also help out when needed which is so cool of her#it’s funny you get to know the agency workers. i know a few we even message each other lol.. we run into each other almost all the time#sometimes you get on with people sometimes not lol but if it flows it flows so whatever right? idk I’m high but yes
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Bleaaaghhhh hrnmgurg I’m gonna kill myself I need my father to stop talking about AI cuz I don’t have it in me to formulate an argument beyond “people who talk about ai like this sound dumb as hell”
#al speaks#he just. I just. ‘AI’ is not one thing. it’s many and I hate the convo around AI cuz it’s so black and white#but also he was like ‘when I was looking at jobs you could apply for I saw a lot of ‘ai content editor’ you should look into that ‘#and I was like ‘I do not want to’ and he was like ‘you need to learn how to work with ai cuz it’s going to only get more prevalent’#and I was like ‘I already work with ai!! what do you think spell check is?? I understand it can be a tool!!#but I don’t want to edit ai generated content’ and he was like ‘why’ and I was like ‘because it’s dumb and bad and it sucks’#and he was like ‘well your gonna need to start making compromises’#what I did not say was that the first compromise I make is gonna be right off a building forty stories high.#it just sucks bc he was like ‘your being a little nieave about this’ and I was gonna scream bc I KNOW that there are good AI tools!! but#it’s not the fucking end all be all and I have every right not to want to edit the dumb shit it spews out and ‘humanize’ it.#if that’s where your at just have me write the content??#anyways I need to do more research on how AI is bad for the planet bc I need a better argument rather than ‘you would be mocked on tumblr’#unrelated: anyone need an editor?
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why do applications feel like your soul is being lightly roasted at 180C
#I’m applying for. a thing that is very much a once in a lifetime opportunity. and I don’t know if I want to do it.#like I cannot overstate how huge this could actually be#the problem is I don’t know if I actually wanna do it. and I can’t tell if that’s for good or bad reasons#the worst part is I actually have a decent shot. it’s far from certain this is gonna be competitive as hell but I can Do This. theoretically#and on top of that my current boss and HIS boss have connections there that they said they would talk to. I didn’t ask. and I feel like I’m#gonna wither away into a tiny little ball and float off#i know that almost everything is gotten by connections now and I’m only HERE on the fucking poor kids scholarship already that’s why I have#this internship in the first place but oh my god. oh my god.#it’s a three year long thing. that’s so much time. and it’s so much work. it’s work I can do in theory and they’d help me but#god I don’t know how to feel abt this#it’s also a field which I’m definitely interested in but in a way where I’m not sure if I’m That interested yknow. but I think I also am?#I’m terrified that I won’t like it and I realise I don’t want it but get offered it and cannot turn it down bc of how big it is#genuinely the worst part of this is I have a shot. my boss’ boss recommended it to me and she’s fucking insane#I have the draft ideas for what I think is a decent application I just gotta write it but again. it feels like I’m dying.#but I gotta do it by Thursday and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#I’m terrified and I think it’s also something I can’t not put an application in for or I’ll regret it. so I’m going to do it scared.#I’m going to do it sososososo scared. like. literally had to stave off a panic attack at work after talking to my boss abt it today.#I haven’t had one of those in a while#if any of you are reading this and have the space to talk abt this rn pls text me i know I’m allowed but I didn’t wanna bug anyone rn#okay. it’s 10:30. I think I can let myself do this tomorrow. and I’m working from home so I will do it on the clock <3#for now I’m allowing myself to think abt dnd.#luke.txt
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It’s really devastating that I’ve been… essentially gatekept from finishing my MSW and I’m forced to switch to an MPP, MPH, or MS degree instead
Like, I’m unsure how many, if any, of my 21 credits will transfer to a different program… it’ll be like starting from scratch
#like… if I got dismisssd from the program through what amounts to Inaccessibility + bullshit policies of the university#that forced me to get an F in a seminar class AND NOT IN MY TYPICAL ACADEMIC CLASSES#and that I got rejected from my re-application to the program for… WHO KNOWS WHY despite them telling me that it was a formality#not giving me any indication that I’d be potentially rejected#and then being told that ‘it might be easier to apply in 2026’ WHEN THAT’S TWO FUCKING YEARS AWAY#AND WHEN MY ‘EXPECTED’ NEW GRADUATION DATE WOULD HAVE BEEN#MEANING THAT MY MSW DEGREE WOULD BE EARNED IN *2028*#sgdhdjdjdj#so stupid#but then… the issue of transferring to a new program is that not all my classes will transfer#AND I’ll have to potentially redo 300+ hours of unpaid labor (internships) bc… reasons I guess!#and like… if I plan to live with my partner in a different (more expensive) area… I can’t NOT be paid#I literally can’t do 2 jobs + an unpaid internship of 20 hours a week + classes + personal life#that’s barely even possible for NEUROTYPICALS#let alone my medicated executive dysfunctional ass#it’s foolish to even ENTERTAIN the idea of that working out for me#so my only option is jumping ship#and just… god it makes me so sad#I worked so hard in my first year! I got a 3.57 in my first semester of grad school after not being in college since Fall 2021!#It was an amazing accomplishment for me#and now I have to hope that a different grad program accepts me#because oh my god I JUST WANT A MASTER’S DEGREE IN A FIELD I ENJOY#IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR 😭#thankfully my interests align perfectly well with an MPP or MPH or MS#so it’s not like I’m forced to get a degree in something I ‘hate’#halfd3afbrainvomit
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my exam is finally over thank fuck
#i did horribly on it but idec bc at least i don't have to worry about it anymore lol#anyway moral of the story do not fall behind on classes bc then you might end up having to cram 6 weeks worth of material in a weekend#and it won't even be worth it anyway#ik cramming is normal for college but like. is this a normal way for ppl to study#pls help i have no idea what normal even is#i didn't know a single thing from the class for the past 6 weeks#and then i tried shoving it all in my brain in three days of course it's not gonna work#though writing that out now i am lowkey impressed at the fucking audacity of my brain lol#if i were actually doing this on purpose it would look cool as fuck#oh god is this why ppl always told me i just needed to apply myself#bc they thought i was purposefully putting off on studying#this is certainly a revelation that i will explore later lol#mine
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