#god I don’t know how to feel abt this
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why do applications feel like your soul is being lightly roasted at 180C
#I’m applying for. a thing that is very much a once in a lifetime opportunity. and I don’t know if I want to do it.#like I cannot overstate how huge this could actually be#the problem is I don’t know if I actually wanna do it. and I can’t tell if that’s for good or bad reasons#the worst part is I actually have a decent shot. it’s far from certain this is gonna be competitive as hell but I can Do This. theoretically#and on top of that my current boss and HIS boss have connections there that they said they would talk to. I didn’t ask. and I feel like I’m#gonna wither away into a tiny little ball and float off#i know that almost everything is gotten by connections now and I’m only HERE on the fucking poor kids scholarship already that’s why I have#this internship in the first place but oh my god. oh my god.#it’s a three year long thing. that’s so much time. and it’s so much work. it’s work I can do in theory and they’d help me but#god I don’t know how to feel abt this#it’s also a field which I’m definitely interested in but in a way where I’m not sure if I’m That interested yknow. but I think I also am?#I’m terrified that I won’t like it and I realise I don’t want it but get offered it and cannot turn it down bc of how big it is#genuinely the worst part of this is I have a shot. my boss’ boss recommended it to me and she’s fucking insane#I have the draft ideas for what I think is a decent application I just gotta write it but again. it feels like I’m dying.#but I gotta do it by Thursday and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#I’m terrified and I think it’s also something I can’t not put an application in for or I’ll regret it. so I’m going to do it scared.#I’m going to do it sososososo scared. like. literally had to stave off a panic attack at work after talking to my boss abt it today.#I haven’t had one of those in a while#if any of you are reading this and have the space to talk abt this rn pls text me i know I’m allowed but I didn’t wanna bug anyone rn#okay. it’s 10:30. I think I can let myself do this tomorrow. and I’m working from home so I will do it on the clock <3#for now I’m allowing myself to think abt dnd.#luke.txt
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god i wish there was more fan content of them (not even rlly in a romantic way just in general) their relationship is giving me brainworms and it feels like the pool of fics/fan content about them specifically is so shallow….. cries
#save me zoro&usopp dynamic… save me#there’s a dire lack of usopp content in general but u know how it is#usopp#god usopp#roronoa zoro#one piece#zosopp#even tho this is not a ship post at all like i don’t mind the ship but i’m talking abt their dynamic in the general sense here#but literally any zoro & usopp dynamic fans. can you hear me#i mean i’ve already made a that silly simple post abt how every dynamic with usopp is a good one#but them. them specifically guys. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME#the friendship..#the contrast#the complicated feelings#the POST WATER 7 TENSION..#please SOMEONE can ANYONE hear me#edit: stawp i didn’t even see kin’emons goofy ass in the second pic until now
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surprised i haven’t seen anyone talking abt this parallel. jacob & delainey’s lil comforting shoulder touches🥺(no wonder everyone always gushes about those two in interviews, how could u not adore them? sweethearts. gaaah this whole cast is so solid <3)
#i really adore and respect when celebs are this earnest#like#when they’re visibly nervous and invested in the fan’s response#that kind of vulnerability#it’s what puts the /feeling/ in it !!#bc that’s how you know they rlly care abt what they’re creating#it’s the magic that moves media from ‘content’ to art#and putting your art out there for the whole world is a scary fkn thing to do!#ppl really don’t appreciate that enough these days#god. i’ll never have enough kudos to give this production#also#not to parasocial on main#(well. this isnt my main lmao)#BUT#it’s so sweet seeing how much more comfortable he (&the whole cast) has become each year#you can seeeee the physical difference in anxiety in just these gifs#i’m glad it seems like the world doesn’t feel so close to ending for him this time around:’)#iwtv#delainey hayles#sam reid#jacob anderson#sdcc#my gifs!#my posts tag:)
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about to start season 2 of gravity falls and hey are we done with Mabel Has To So Much As Tolerate A Guy Who Wants To Date her That She’s Not Fucking Interested In plots
#throwing gideon like a wet paper towel at the wall. grow up HDHSHSHSHDHSJSJ#i feel like I have to say this all the time but it’s good for characters to suck. for them and us#so this again isn’t really a Criticism of the show just a Oh This Makes Me Sad thing. yknow#but oh my god stop trying to force mabel to marry you. the gnomes and gideon#if you’re afab youve Likely had to deal w boys not fucking taking no for an answer. or you Cant tell them Firmly no bc of societal pressure#it made me feel Bad. i was sick i was ill. don’t remind me of real life you’re a cartoon /JOKEY#i didn’t realize gideon And The Gnomes were still hung up on her until the dreamscapers two parter. get over yourselves ‼️ she said no#also in a similar vein bc I know everyone talks abt how Immediately sick of it they were w dippers crush on wendy and. Yeah#though funny enough it didn’t Show itself until a few episodes after wendy’s appearance i feel#i feel like i remember it being The episode she was introduced#words from the monarch#gravity falls
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denethor is said to have been greatly affected by finduilas’ death, right. and i know their marriage was a political one but i like to believe that they still loved each other. not in the ‘traditional sense’ i guess but they loved each other’s spirits, their souls. the duty (as they viewed it) to protect their people & the willpower to do it, they both shared. and so i think that more precious than love, they understood each other perfectly. as no one else could, or did. i can’t stop thinking about denethor’s grief at losing her. to love someone, and to have them understand you, but to lose them so abruptly… no wonder denethor became embittered by her death. i think he became sad too. closed-off. built even more walls around him, not wanting to be seen as vulnerable by anyone. but his anger, at what (or whom), exactly? he already broke up with god when he was young. at the universe? at his fate? to have lost her so unfairly.
i came here to talk about their love & somewhere in the middle lost myself in his grief lol. never mind, bc what is grief if not love persevering????? they loved each other. i can’t. i CAN’T get over this simple truth. the love was there. it wouldn’t have been this tragic if there’s wasn’t. the love was there. and isn’t that enough (it isn’t. but it is. IT IS). the love was there. THE LOVE WAS. THERE. sobbing. truly sobbing DON’T TOUCH ME
#i’m spitballing here. but elbereth knows i spent hours in my bed thinking about them last night. i couldn’t sleep#i’m becoming so invested in them oh my god. ohmygod they’re making me c r a z y#wait. i was thinking abt how his relationship changed w his sons after this and waiiit. WAIT a minute#is this what writers feel like when inspiration strikes suddenly im going bonkers#there’s no connection between the next sentence and what i wrote till now. well there is but trust me on this one#my brain is moving too fast i don’t have time to be coherent#so listen. so it IS implied that faramir foresaw boromir’s coming. what if#what if DENETHOR dreamt of finduilas dying. i mean i’d rather he didn’t bc THEN there would be a lot of potential for angst and his self#destructive behaviour. what if denethor DIDN’T FORESEE HER DEATH. BUT WISHED THAT HE DID.#GOD. HIM WONDERING IF HE COULD HAVE SAVED HER. DONE SOMETHING SOONER TO PREVENT HER HEALTH FROM DETERIORATING#but no. nothing he could have done would have changed what happened. THAT’S WHY it’s a tragedy. but *he* doesn’t know that#denethor and finduilas#hmm.#DO U FEEL? DO U GET ME????????#denethor#finduilas
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wish they would just let me live on wuhu island man.. kicks pebble and sighs
#honest to god I would have vivid daydreams abt living on the Wii sports wuhu island#i really liked playing the plane game bc of the fun lore and seeing the little miis everywhere and imagining what lives they lead#used to get weirdly excited to see one of my family’s miis chilling on the chair of the plane dock like it made me so happy#just these small touches. like how one of the ipoints in the game is this one single canoeing mii out in the ocean#some lost hikers and someone with a dead car battery. the runners circle in the town#i wonder if this has anything to do with anthropomorphizing but it does also feel a little connected to my reasons for liking the#apartment stage in wii music and getting little glimpses of miis walking at night and stuff#you’d think this would make tomodachi life my favorite game but all I really wanna do is just spectate and watch a town of miis going about#just have em under a microscope or perhaps like an ant farm. I dont know why though#I don’t want to interact with any of them or decide anything for them but just. watching them#and if my body got to live on wuhu island I’d just be watching it like my own shell walk around without me in it#yapping
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regressing (thinking about heather mcnamara again)
#nobody gets her like i do …….#like genuinely have been having Thoughts (someone on my course was chatting abt it and i was like oh god we deffo ran into each other online#i will forever be kinda insane about her unfortunately she formed a lot of my personality ……#also so many ppl get her so wrong (including productions of the show but we know how i feel abt that)#ppl go too far one way or the other w her traits and also often infantilise her and like .#or act like she’s stupid …… like#emmyposts#UGH more to say but am on bus and there’s loads of ppl and i don’t want ppl to b like haha tumblr girl so
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i don’t mean to alarm anyone but i did come up with a fresh idea for a short story last night
#first wholly new original idea i’ve had in . over a year at least.#and i kinda like it because it would be like… a good companion to fallen.#diff vibe for sure but . fallen being abt a dead girl possessed by an angel -> new one being abt a live boy possessed by a demon……#i don’t have the conflict hammered out (that’s the hardest part for me)#but i kinda already know about the boy and the demon… and i have a few scenes in mind already……..#this is kinda scary. i forgot how it feels to Think lmao…#god i hope this turns into action of some sort. god i hope i can write something new and fun.#izzy.txt#possessionwip
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ya girl Steve is not doing all that great in college work life
#tryna convince myself to do an essay rough draft by thinking how it could “”””impress””” a guy in my English class that i can’t tell if i’m#crushing on bc i’ve never been in feasible romantic situations (ie crushing on some1 not a fictional mythical entity) or if there’s just#serious mutual “we should b friends but oh god how do i actually talk to them” tension#either way there’s undoubtedly smthn here I just gotta get past aaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllll the social trauma from being ostracized#in middle school & having absolutely 0 consistent real friends in high school; i swear to that axolotl i am on constant Survival Mode at#school & it shows so badly#should’ve (ie an “excuse me” or “thank you”)#and typing this is EXTREMELY counterproductive rn I’ve been here for like 5 minutes#anyway i feel stupid for this because it feels like smthn i should’ve been doing in high school but thank the undiagnosed adhd for#annihilating my “high school experience” in favor of homework I could never complete and still can’t apparently#like for christ’s sake could i at least be doing good at schoolwork & creative projects if i can’t have a social life#or instead have a few friends to make it feel like there’s less pressure on the hw cuz there’s more important things in my life#literally screenshooting this rn to know to talk to my therapist abt it. doubt she’ll b able to help but might as well yeah#i don’t want it to be obvious how much self loathing & pity & general angst i’m holding when i talk to ppl but I’ve never ever been a good#emotions actor & never will tbh.#AND my minecraft house looks ugly. send post
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i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.
#is this a bad time to mention i dont even believe in souls?#i really dk why.#no this isnt abt jiro somehow apparently having a loving family#(ok like. at least 1/4 of it is BUT STILL. NOT THE POINT)#(part of me feels awkward abt it bc just. huh? youre telling me. this guy. that i basically am the irl version of. has a loving family???)#(/j and all but just. idk part of me feels awkward now? it just. a guy who blew himself up for most of the same ideals i have)#(gets to have the one thing i yearn so very hard for. everyday of my life. but can never have.)#(ill get over this in like. 2 hours. hopefully. most of thats just shock anyways.)#just. for the past some days. besides a couple things and people. hurt and love havent really. made me feel much of anything#like being cared for by actual ppl even online. yeah. it still does but#even my fantasies don’t entertain me anymore#oh god am i becoming lopt. save me fuck#UNLESS this means i get mason as my bf. then hell fucking yeah (kidding kidding kIDDINGG i dont wanna be lopt. please.)#but srsly. usually i can envoke some sorta reaction from myself if its brutal enough#but. nothing.#id assume that im over doing it usually. but i havent in a good while#maybe this is some what where my art/writers block is coming from#whatever this hell is.#time to go on a spiral of mildly depressing and somewhat cryptic posts (cryptic if i didnt info dump in the tags that is)#why is it so hard to confront issues when you dont even know what the issue is?#i just. wanna be able to make myself feel something.#not in a “i have no one but myself” way for once. just. i dont wanna have to rely on others for my emotions#i want to feel a pang of hurt. yet it feels so empty. i dont want to harm myself. i just want to feel it.#anyways ig.#ig im gonna just sleep#which tbh im growing to hate bc like. i feel all i do is sleep. i sleep to avoid how much my own body hurts. i sleep to ignore my issues#i sleep to ignore the fact i keep forgetting to respond to people even though ik i have to at some point. i sleep to avoid the dread of not#getting anything done. i sleep just because im bored.#and im tired of sleeping.#but. it feels worse awake. my body hurts. my mind hurts. it all just hurts.
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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i barely know anything abt usopp’s observation haki because i haven’t gotten there yet (i’m so close tho) but i know the gist of how it works and . man. i’m getting all emotional over imagining usopp and the time in his childhood when he was on his own and man man man. i’m just thinking about that vs. him maybe on the ship, off somewhere by himself but still being able to feel the presence of everybody onboard, being able to literally feel that he isn’t by himself. it’s making me 🥺
#don’t hold me to this idk how it rlly works i’m just goin off what the wiki said#usopp#god usopp#sniper king usopp#one piece#aaaand wait . the wiki said some level of precognitive ability… can he rlly see the future#you know on a small small level#and on that note#it mentioned being able to sense others emotions…….#i’m thinking abt sabaody and how scared everybody was and making myself sick#okay but anyways#overall this seems super interesting#maybe i’m just not around enough but i don’t feel like i’ve seen much content for his haki#other than knowing he does get it later and uses it to win#that’s all i’ve heard abt tho#i guess i’ve only heard abt it from a power up perspective#but i’m sensing a gold mine of usopp thoughts here. usopp angst even…
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay��� or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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blows everything up w my mind i hate school i hate careers i just wanna draw pictures and play sudoku
#idk if i’ve said this before but basically my current college experience was like fuck around and get all ur basic classes oever w and#try out different intro classes for different majors and then like. literally last summer i just decided to choose psychology and god do#i wish i didn’t do that. like i kinda chose it bc of how much i liked my intro psych classes and bc of how fast i’d be able to get it#compared to like other degrees but like. what if i actually hate everything and everyone that has to do w psychology#like i mean it’s not like i’m ever gonna go into counseling so like. my only option for this degree path is like post grad shit and even#then what can i even do w this. fucking. work for a school? do experiments? write papers?is that even what i want idfk#like honestly this degree feels so fucking useless i probably would’ve been the same amount of feeling fucked but like slightly#more happy abt it if i decided to be an art major#ugh i fucking hate school like u’d think w how everything played out for me that i’d feel accomplished or smth bc like i just turned 20 and#im set to get my dumbass bachelors like. in a couple weeks but i feel like a failure i have 0 plans i hate every decision i have ever made.#but also like idk if i even have like the energy for more school. or the patience or the motivation or whatever. like even if i go for that#sexology program that’s online it’s still only a masters and im probably gonna need a doctorate if i decide to commit to this shit and#like idk if i have the energy for all that shit. or if i even care enough to do all that. but also i don’t rlly have any other better#options do i? fucking. i don’t know what to do. explodes everything w my mind 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
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you’ve probably already read it before, but the poem Party by Kim Addonizio really got me tonight. first thought was “oh man. yeah” and then my second thought was “how can i make this about my hockey guys somehow………..”anyway! have a good one!
oh. oh.
#don’t think i’ve read this kim addonizio poem and it just blindsided me like a truck thank you so much#i. oh god. like yeah.#pour me shitfaced into your car i feel like you own a comforter extremely dysfunctional only in surface details like which person was the#black hole and the distant spark in space that might’ve been a star there’s something too with unrelenting mist / many-headed mist / missed#who knew mis(t)/sed had undone so many. while you keep an eye on the burner here’s hoping this flame doesn’t go out#the flame as in the spark as in don’t let me have pinned my hopes on you to watch it burn out again but also me. like please let me not go#and i think there’s something there too with the repetitive ‘i have just met you’ and i already love you that reminds me both of a story#colman domingo told abt meeting his partner i cry everytime i hear it right when he says ‘i think i love u &you’re about to change my life’#and i KNOW there’s another poem. and i feel like it maybe has a dog and it talks about how they don’t even know you but they love you#OH IT’S ALSO. OH MY GOD THAT’S IT. i mean not exactly so maybe i have read this before & it’s what has been haunting me for so long but#the opening line to tim seibles naïve is ‘i love you but i don’t know you’ - mennonite woman#the odds of that dog poem being a carl phillips poem is non-zero btw. his poems about dogs make me see shrimp colors (bertuzzi thesis)#ANYWAY. agreed. this is incredibly hockey and incredibly hurtful because they DO bond like this in 0.0001 seconds because if you can’t#you’re fucked. you have to just find somebody and fall in love with them and it’s the salmon and the triple cream brie like they got taken#out to some fancy meet the donors team night in their suits and one of them is dealing with a heartbreak and a trade and are the things#they think true or are they just missing what the used to have. jamie who used to empty and refill the ice tray YES sorry i have been a#little bit thinking that about the trevor dealing so poorly with the breakup and i wish i had another narrative (which i do) but it fits#trade deadline tragedy#and also the formation of a codependent rookies like. two guys that get drafted and brought up together and suddenly they’re doing#everything together and it’s your first time in the big show and none of your old college friends understand because they’re not there#and you can’t get it. like you think you know but they can’t understand and the loneliness and it IS guys taking care of each other#(alexa play harriet by hey rosetta! but specifically the bridge) and it’s just. i just!!! trying to fill up the missing pieces of your life#like i cannot convey WHOMST i am trying to pin this narrative to this is going to rotate for a long while i think#because it’s not a wild i fell in love with you at first sight it’s a you were kind to me when i was broken. and i love you for that.#like who is FALLING APART &happens to fall into someone else’s arms. purely for the partygirl aspect the devil (old hrpf) says ‘13 bennguin#who among us hasn’t fallen mildly briefly brilliantly in love with a stranger and imagined a future where you get everything you want#sometimes we love people for who they are and sometimes we love them for what we’re not and sometimes for who we think they’ll be#this was a very long way to say thank you for sharing <3 i will also be making this about my hockey guys <3#OH MY GOD IT’S DPAIRS. WHO’S BEEN THROUGH SEVERAL DPAIRS#nonny <3
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#meg talks#abt to head back into work#the start of a long fucking week#last time i tried to go back to work i literally collapsed on the ground from how tired and sick i was#if anything it feels like im just getting worse now#my nerve pain is so bad#and my coughing fits make me see spots#at least i don’t have fever anymore and the congestion isn’t as bad#i can breathe okay#but god. im scared that this will be my new baseline#which will mean that i can’t work here anymore…#and it’s just too early to tell. it could take weeks to get my full strength back and i might be fine#but that’s weeks of wondering#and trying to muscle through#which could be making things worse. fuck if i know#i want to quit so bad but at the same time i don’t want to. i don’t want to be muscled out#it just sucks so bad.#and they let this happen to fucking ten out of fifteen of us all at the same time#they really don’t give a shit about our lives#they can always just replace us with cheaper labor.
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