#i just needed to vent because i have no one to talk to

[callmemonster68]

ENHYPEN - Friendly Consolation ( suggestive )

Being comforted by your friend after betrayal

Pairing: Enhypen X FemReader (Masterlist)

Genre: Suggestive

Warning: Contains explicit content, unprotected sex, suggestive, penetration, explicit language, climax, sex, swearing, hickeys, messy make-out sessions, dirty talk, compliments, rough sex, touching bruises

Heeseung

Heeseung remained silent while listening to her outburst.  So, out of nowhere, he held your chin and made you look him in the eye.

— You know he never deserved you, right?

You nodded, your eyes full of emotion.

— I just wanted to feel that I am still desired...

His eyes darkened.

— Dear... you have no idea how much I desire you.

His mouth captured yours in a hot and intense kiss.  In a few seconds, your clothes were on the floor, and he had you against the wall, his hands exploring every inch of your skin.

— I'm going to make you forget that idiot.  I'll make you remember only me.

Every move he made was calculated to drive you crazy, and when you screamed his name, you knew you would never forget that night.

Sunghoon

Sunghoon seemed calm when you told him about the betrayal, but the clenching of his jaw showed how much he was holding back.

— He never deserved to touch you.

You smiled, melancholic.

— Then make me forget, Hoon.

He pulled you close, his lips brushing against yours.

— Are you sure? Because if I touch you now... there's no turning back.

When you nodded, he lost all control. He turned you against the bed and began to explore your body with an addictive precision.

— You are mine now.

And that night, he showed exactly what it meant to be his.

Jake

Jake rubbed his hands over his face, trying to contain his frustration.

— I wanted to hit him for doing that to you.

You laughed, without humor.

— I just wanted to feel something else, anything but this pain.

Jake approached, his eyes full of desire and affection.

— Let me take care of you.

His kisses started off gentle, but quickly became more intense. He laid his body on the couch and explored every inch of her with his tongue and fingers.

— You are mine now.

That night, Jake made a point of proving that you would never need another man again.

Niki

You were sitting on the couch, the tears still fresh on your face.  Niki was looking at you with clenched fists, jaw set.

— That bastard didn't deserve you, Y/N.

You sighed, feeling a tightness in your chest.

— I just wanted to forget...

Niki's eyes sparkled with something different.  Without hesitation, he held your face between his hands and kissed you.  It was hot, hungry.  When you responded, he pulled your body onto his lap.

— Let me show you how a real man does it.

Before you could respond, he was already laying you down on the couch, his large hands spread across your skin.  His mouth descended to your intimacy, and he began to devour you as if you were a main course.

— I want to hear you moaning just for me.

And that night, he made sure that every thought about your ex was replaced by the moans that only he could elicit from you.

Sunoo

Sunoo was by your side, hugging you while you vented about the betrayal.  He caressed your hair, his eyes shining with anger and affection.

— He is an idiot.  If he knew what he had...

You raised your eyes to him.

— And if I want to forget, Sunoo?  Even if it's just for one night?

He became serious for a moment, then smiled.  But it wasn't his usual sweet smile.  It was something loaded with intention.

— Then let me take care of it.

He laid you on the bed and began to kiss you slowly, as if he were memorizing every detail.  When his lips traveled down your body, he made sure to tease you, whispering compliments.

— I want you to remember me every time you think of pleasure.

And that night, he made sure his name was the only one that mattered.

Jungwon

Jungwon remained silent, observing his face.

— Are you still thinking about him?

You hesitated.

— Maybe... but I don't want to.

He brushed his lips against hers.

— So let me help you.

His touch was delicate, but there was something fierce behind every kiss, every caress. He placed you on his lap, guiding your body with precision.

— Look at me. I want you to think only of me now.

Each of your moans made his desire grow. And when you both reached climax together, he whispered against your skin.

— You'll never need another one.

Jay

Jay held you in his arms, his thumb caressing your cheek.

— You will never cry over another man again.

You looked at him, feeling something different in the air.

— Then make me feel alive again.

He didn't need anything else. His kiss was hot, deep, passionate. When he laid you on the bed, his eyes were glued to yours.

— I will make you feel like the most desired woman in the world.

Each of his touches was a silent promise that he would never hurt you. And when he took you to ecstasy, you knew that Jay would never leave your heart.

✿ If you don't reblog and comment, you can be sure I'll be showing up in your dreams tonight... and I won’t be as sweet as in the story ✿

[the-cosmic-cauldron]

❤️‍🔥 Who Is Yearning For You: Describing Who’s Currently Crushing On You ❤️‍🔥

💌Welcome to 7 Days, 7 Posts! In honor of Valentine’s Day on February 14th, I’m releasing seven blog posts dedicated to love, intimacy, passion, and everything that ignites the flames. Join me on this journey as I share my insights through tarot.

If you enjoy my content, be sure to follow me, explore my other posts, and check out my paid services! 💌

Pile 1: The Intensely Romantic Lover

Your crush has so much energy. I’m absorbing all their energy right now, and it’s intense. They’re not for the weak, and they’re not for the faint of heart. They have a lot going on with them. They’re not completely straightforward; they hide their intentions. They don’t tell you everything, but they tell you what you want to hear. They’re crafty and creative with their words, but their follow-through could lead to chaos and disaster.

Your crush is flirtatious, charming, and probably handsome or beautiful. You’re compelled to walk into a room with them because their aura is so mesmerizing. But, they come with tricks up their sleeves. They’re not 100% solid. They shake, and when they shake, they shake things up like a can of soda with Mentos in it. They’re explosive, which can lead to high, intense passions but also toxic dynamics that could erode the relationship over time. But let’s dive deeper.

Your crush is patient. They don’t execute impulsively. They like to wait and plot. They don’t make spontaneous decisions—everything they do is calculated, contrived, coerced, and even rehearsed. They wait because they know it will take time to get what they want. They don’t burst through doors. Instead, they sit back, relax, and watch, observing you and how they can insert themselves into your world after careful evaluation. They’re quick to hide their true intentions and keep a bit of mystery, preferring to unfold gradually. They want you to uncover them, to discover the layers under what they’re showing you.

Your crush is the type of person who doesn’t rush decisions. They sit with their thoughts, marinate on them, and wait until everything feels just right. When they finally decide to move forward, it’s like the final boil of a soup, with all the flavors melded together. That’s when they make their move. But sometimes they wait too long, staying in the background, watching, observing, and never coming forward.

But when they do, it will be a complete shock. They’ve been watching you from afar with a stoic poker face. You won’t even know they like you because they keep things so calm and collected. You won’t see what’s going on in their mind, yet their mind is constantly active. When they finally come to you, it will take you by surprise. You’ll wonder how they even liked you because it seemed like they barely noticed you. But they were watching you closely behind that calm exterior.

When they do come forward, they’ll be quite the romantic. They’ll charm you, serenade you, and show you a level of tenderness and care you haven’t experienced. For them, romance isn’t just an act—it’s an arena, a stage for them to come alive. They’ll make you feel like you’re in the middle of a whirlwind romance, the kind that feels like a movie. Their gifts are never ordinary. They’ll write you love letters, send sweet texts, sing to you, rub your back or shoulders, or simply listen when you need to talk. They’ll be there for you when you need to vent, nurture you when you’re down, and always show you that they’ve got your back.

On your worst days, they’ll be right there beside you with something you want or need, something that will lift your spirits. They’ll take you on dates to places you love and places you’ve never been. They’ll introduce you to a world you don’t know, all while engaging in deep, stimulating conversations that draw them in. Your mind captivates them. They’re intrigued and want more and more of it.

This is the type of person you’ve dreamed of, the one you’ve longed for. They’re the person you could only imagine, but now they stand before you, shaking up your entire world, flipping things upside down, exploring the depths of you, while also pleasing you physically. Every moment spent with them is filled with enjoyment, quality, and meaning. Time with them is never wasted—it’s always filled with stature and status.

Pile 2: The Broken, But Ambitious Lover

The person who’s crushing on you is about their business. They’re serious and don’t play around. They’re no-nonsense people who demand the truth from you, and they only want the truth. If you walk into their life, you can’t be chaotic. You must offer them something of value—something they can accept and return to you tenfold. They only want to build and grow, and they don’t tolerate shaky foundations. They need something solid. Loyalty means everything to them. This person doesn’t play games, and if you try, you might get crushed by them.

They come across as mature because they’ve had to learn hard lessons through life. They’ve been through a lot, a tough life, but they’ve made it through, gaining a lot of wisdom from their struggles. This person has been hurt—beaten down, heartbroken, betrayed, and let down. They’ve experienced trust being broken and time wasted. They’ve gone through enough to know that people are fallible, and depending on love can make you vulnerable. That hurt has shaped them, and though it’s turned them into someone wiser, it also affects how they interact with others.

They’re serious because they don’t want to be hurt again, and they need to know who you are. They want you to reveal yourself early on so they can decide if they want you in their life. When this person wants something, they don’t mess around—they go after it. They’re a go-getter, someone who makes things happen. They don’t wait for things to come to them; they seize every opportunity and create their own blessings. When they want something, including you, they don’t hide it—they make it clear.

This person stands on business, big business. They don’t say something and retract it. They don’t second-guess or overthink. They don’t waste time tossing and turning over love. They’ve been hurt and don’t care about all that indecision. When confrontation happens, they show up—they don’t back down. They can be aggressive, coming on strong with an energy that might both scare and captivate you. They have strong boundaries and are not afraid to enforce them. Everything they know is based on logic; they don’t entertain too many opinions or get too emotional. If they defend something, it’s because they defend their facts—they won’t let anyone challenge what they know.

When things get emotionally intense, they step back. They’re afraid of being hurt, and so they pull away, especially if they feel like they might be betrayed again. In those moments, they keep to themselves, retreating and not communicating. They can come off as nonchalant or even uncaring, but it’s a defense mechanism. They may not know how to handle emotionally charged situations, and this leads them to say the wrong things or act out. Sometimes they can be blunt, disrespectful, or harsh in their words.

This person is a bit toxic—they still carry a lot of unresolved pain and baggage. But despite their flaws, they do have good intentions. They want to succeed in life, to achieve their goals, and they care about stability. They believe in themselves and in what they do. They just struggle to express their emotions in healthy ways, and their communication sometimes lacks maturity. Overall, they do care, but it’s difficult for them to show it. It’s up to you whether you want to take on this complex, sometimes difficult person with all their baggage.

Pile 3: The Mental Lover With Chains Around Their Heart

The person who has a crush on you might be in a negative mental space. They tend to think a lot about the future but are often concerned about it. Rather than focusing on the positives or having faith in the future, they lean more toward pessimism, self-doubt, and skepticism, especially when it comes to love and romance. They may have some reservations about approaching you or having a relationship with you. There are things that they are unsure about.

However, this person loves communication. It’s a skill of theirs, and they enjoy engaging in intellectual conversations. This is their area of strength—providing facts and sharing information. They could have a lot of air sign placements or even be an air sign themselves. When they speak, they are clear, direct, and not one for subtlety. They prefer to communicate in a concrete, factual way, and they enjoy back-and-forth exchanges of information.

At times, though, they can seem a bit cold. Their focus on facts and logic, as well as their negative thinking and lack of faith, can make them appear distant, a bit dreary, or even depressed. They might seem unreachable or emotionally unavailable, as if they’re constantly in their head, overwhelmed with anxiety.

They also tend to get into heated arguments easily. This person does not back down from discussions, especially when there are differing opinions involved. They often stand firm in their views, which can sometimes be controversial and spark tension. Because of this, they may unintentionally hurt people’s feelings. They aren’t particularly empathetic or compassionate in these situations, and instead of apologizing, they often double down, defending their statements more than acknowledging when they are wrong. Their pride sometimes prevents them from admitting when they’re mistaken, and they might not apologize easily.

They can be assertive to the point of aggression, and this trait can turn into dominance. Their assertiveness might come off as overly forceful or even hostile, and they may struggle with conflict and disagreements. This person might be disconnected from their emotions and is more focused on their logical, masculine energy. They likely don’t engage in creative outlets such as drawing, dancing, or writing, which would help nurture their feminine side. They also may not prioritize their appearance or self-care. They could seem rough around the edges, not nurturing their body, emotions, or environment. They may not even make an effort to create a comfortable space for themselves, which reflects their lack of connection with their feminine energy.

It’s possible that this person comes from an unstable family background or has experienced significant emotional wounds, such as a mother wound. These unresolved issues have caused them to suppress their softer, more vulnerable side and focus on the masculine, fact-based aspects of life. This individual has endured significant pain, heartbreak, and betrayal, which has left them carrying a lot of emotional baggage.

They may have recently gone through a breakup or divorce, which has left their heart closed off. The instability in their love life has made it hard for them to trust others, and they might be struggling to find confidence or excitement in their daily life. They feel stagnant and are holding onto what they know, unable to offer anything stable or healthy at this time. While they may have a crush on you, they currently lack the emotional stability and openness required to build a meaningful relationship. They are still in the process of healing and growing before they can fully embrace love and romance again.

Pile 4: The Calm and Focused Lover

The person who has a crush on you, may be stuck in the past. They could still be emotionally attached to someone else, or they might be holding on to past feelings. Even though they like you, their lingering emotions for someone else make it difficult for them to fully open up and connect with you. This emotional attachment could result in a relationship that feels unbalanced or lacks reciprocity.

Your crush may still be healing from emotional pain caused by a past relationship, and they’re not yet fully over it. They might feel stuck in a standstill, unable to move forward. Despite this, they hide their struggles and tend to be passive, avoiding confrontation and conflict. This person is likely non-confrontational and avoids conflict, possibly feeling inadequate at times. They may not feel capable of meeting certain expectations and may struggle to assert themselves in the relationship, which could lead to a sense of reservation or being closed off.

They likely move slowly when it comes to relationships because they are unsure of what they want. This slow pace, combined with their passive personality, may make them seem distant or unsure. Although they may come off as sweet and youthful, with an optimistic and generous outlook on life, they are probably very sentimental and value emotional connections deeply. This sentimentality might be why they struggle to let go of the past and move on from it.

Despite these emotional struggles, they have strong qualities. They’re probably organized and have goals for the future, feeling content with where they are in life, especially in terms of material success. They’re likely a quiet person, who values self-respect and prefers to avoid conflict. This focus on stability means they are more likely to walk away from a situation than engage in a heated argument. They prefer to keep things calm and stable, and they’re not inclined to lead or control others. They don’t want to come across as aggressive or domineering; instead, they prefer to focus on themselves and their personal growth.

Your crush is a practical person who prioritizes stability and success. They move at their own pace, taking their time to evaluate situations. They envision a successful future, with great health and material wealth, but they don’t rush toward emotional engagement, especially when it comes to love. They might have a crush on you, but they hesitate to invest deeply because they prefer to avoid overwhelming emotions. They value calmness, predictability, and groundedness over emotional excitement or passion. They’re more focused on dedication, ambition, and personal responsibility than on managing the emotions or expectations of others.

This person may come off as young in some ways, but in reality, they are mature and serious about their goals. They have things going well for them in life and are likely to be grounded in their approach. They’re not likely to charge into a relationship aggressively, but they will approach you in a direct and honest way, maintaining a calm demeanor. Overall, they seem to be in a better place, but it’s clear they still need time and space to work through their emotional attachments from the past.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

One thing I like about Tumblr over Dreamwidth: They don't do anything with your tag list.

Tumblr doesn't know what to do with tags. People only use them seriously sometimes; they're more often a way to vent or subvocalize a response.

Dreamwidth expects tags to be used sensibly, by sensible people. I know someone who joined the site upon launch in 2009 and posts a book review every week or two. Her tag page is a long and tidy alphabetical list of things like "author: asimov isaac" or "genre: insufferable memoir" and if I need a recap I can trust of the romantasy everyone made fun of back when twitter was young, I just need to hit ctrl+f and type "venom cock."

I was 20 and not yet on antidepressants when I joined Dreamwidth. My tags are so 20something it completely justifies my choice at that age not to get a tattoo because something being meaningful to me then was no promise it would be meaningful five years later. I already knew myself.

I had (ugh, have) a "disability: a river in egypt" tag, which I would retroactively use on journal entries where I was talking about this or that random happenstance (being too lazy or unmotivated to do something I deeply cared about, getting a mysterious leg ache, being mystified that over-the-counter painkillers didn't really work to make my pain go away) but also convinced that this was like, the normal amount of anhedonia or leg-length discrepancy or daily debilitating pain! I'm not disabled! I'm completely fine!

Respect to 20something me, that was an important process and journalling with a supportive community of wise and informed people was vital to it. This is an important historical artifact.

But what am I supposed to tag things as now?

(Of course my brain just supplied "disability: well that ship has sailed", shut up you dumb hilarious bitch. And yet it makes me reconsider my plan to sloorp all that blog's content off to a different account, wipe my main one because it's a seed account and worth keeping, and start over fresh.)

[ribbonsfallaway]

I keep making post after post venting about how this show, especially this last part of the show was handled, and I want to make one from maybe a more rationally explained side.

Look I get the argument, "the show started with Johnny and Miguel, so it should end with them." As much as it makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head I do understand. However that doesn't mean Robby isn't important. Despite what some fans and the writers want us to believe.

I'd get if they had Miguel win at the end cause he's this gen's "Karate Kid", that's fine. My issue lies in the fact that Robby isn't allowed one win. Not just in a tournament sense, but in a personal sense. The show starts off with Johnny being a deadbeat loser father and Robby being the victim of him being a drunken deadbeat loser father. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. And the thing is to me Johnny didn't really try with Robby to be a better father. Sure you can spin he "tried", and Robby was "stubborn" but every time he did try and Robby fought him on it, Johnny fought back, and didn't actually allow his son to be angry. At least not to him. Sure he'd cry to Carmen, Miguel, etc., about how much of a screw up he was. Still somehow painting himself as a victim in all of this. But he never stated how much he messed up really with the one person who deserved it the most, and needed it the most. Robby. His son. Because I feel as much as Robby gave Johnny shit, the moments he had the door open for him… He just fucked up. Like I do feel like there was a doorway after the s1 tournament in early-s2. Robby very much expressed how you know he is trying, but it's going to take time. Instead of respecting this and instead of Johnny saying he'd try and gets it, he fights back that "he gets he screwed up" but he doesn't have to hang with Daniel. Daniel by the way being the one at this time to actually try and be there for Robby, and be a father figure to him. So Robby snaps back. That for some reason is the only thing people can focus on, and "poor Johnny!" for how "Robby speaks to him." Which… Whatever.

In season 3, there are a couple doors open for Johnny. That once more he messes up. When he's supposed to visit Robby at juvie after the school fight, and once more chooses Miguel over him. Just as he had been the first 2 seasons. Even after that when Johnny does go visit him Robby once more actually has some leeway with him here, he's upset at first but when he sees a somewhat efford on Johnny's end he relents and is accepting. It isn't until Robby finds out Johnny once more ditched him for Miguel that things blow up. And Johnny doesn't try to apologize on this end, he just pretty much places all blame on Robby for that, and yeah Robby fucked up badly during the school fight but really isn't rewarded the nuance of it I feel? And all the elements that went into that day, and fight. Except from Kreese really, and that's a whole other thing. That will just make this post longer.

And Johnny sure as shit didn't try in season 4 after Robby joined Cobra Kai. The scene at his apartment does not count at all because it was Robby who went there, and Johnny just tried to lecture him instead of inviting him in to talk things out. But whatever, and somehow at the end of the season somehow Johnny is miraculously forgiven despite doing not a thing to earn it. And see this is what bugged me here that it was Robby the child who had to let go of the anger, and not Johnny the 50-something year old adult man who had to earn it. And after that their relationship is all healed and after this Robby is never allowed to complain again because when he was justifiably angry the show punished him for it, and made it his problem. Not Johnny's.

So we have this aspect of it all of Robby not being chosen first ever by Johnny or anyone in his life frankly, because yeah Shannon went to rehab for him, and got better but we're not allowed to really see that. Hell maybe that would have made things a bit better. That we saw Robby had Shannon on his side, and would start choosing him.

We didn't get his relationship with Daniel really repaired. Yes they're on good terms but God I would have really loved to see them make up. The show loves to harp on how important Johnny and Miguel are, but frankly IMHO I feel Johnny and Daniel are just as important, and while I never truly was able to be on board with Johnny and Miguel I loved Daniel and Robby because Daniel for a time gave Robby what he needed until that blew to hell and the writers just brushed over them as if they weren't important.

We have this personal part of Robby's life to where he's never chosen once by anyone, and some I get, but others I can not accept. But it's Miguel who Johnny always picks over him. And in part 2 of this season a scene that also should have happened with Johnny and Robby only was reserved for Johnny and Miguel. Hell what I find worse is we never once see Johnny apologize to Robby and explain it was never him that was the problem, it was Johnny and he regrets how much he hurt him. What we do get is somehow Robby in this part of the season happy karate came into his life cause it gave him Johnny. Despite you know Johnny not doing a thing to earn it. Sorry I will die on this hill.

And I think this is what makes Robby fans upset about him losing at the end. Because maybe if in the past he was allowed one win, or if the writers spent half as much time on Johnny and Robby as they did Johnny and Miguel and validated Robby's feelings it would be OK. If the show showed us how important Robby was to the people in his iife and valued for that it would be OK. But we don't even get that. Not really.

And sure Robby gets a "good ending" but it felt shoehorned in to appease fans so Cobra Kai could come out on top.

And listen I get the show is called "Cobra Kai" but I could get into another rant about why just because the show is called Cobra Kai doesn't mean they always need to be the winners.

So really it's not in just a physical sense Robby never gets to win, it's in a personal sense, and on all that he's never allowed to be upset about it without the narrative framing him as in the wrong, or punishing him for it. Robby is truly never validated in any sense in this series, and as a fan it's frustrating to watch.

[alittlebitofdebris]

Poverty isn't always what people imagine, and I'm facing that really hard lately.

I grew up in poverty. I boiled water for baths when the gas was almost always out.

I lit bonfires in my living room to keep warm and cook finger foods.

I went weekends without eating until I could get to school on Monday for breakfast.

My house was littered with things we didn't use or need because my mom was afraid we might one day need them and not be able afford it.

Our animals often went without food.

I'd walk an hour to the library in any weather to charge a cellphone my friend had given me.

Now, I have a nice home. My pets are well fed and spoiled as much as they can be. I have a smart phone, a computer, a TV. I have pretty things that bring me moments of joy.

I have beautiful things, neatly organized all over my home.

But still, I find myself in financial stress and all the illusions come crashing down.

My friend passively mentions a phrase I barely remember the context of, "you're kinda still living in poverty". I know this was meant for validation of my struggles. I know there was no ill intent.

But now, I find those words echoing in my mind any time I try to spend $5 on something to bring me momentary joy.

I feel the weight of guilt knowing that being mentally disabled has forced this experience on my spouse. I feel like a burden to my friends for not contributing more or needing them to spot me for lunch.

Today was the second time I woke up from dissociating on the floor of the kitchen crying. Likely, I was triggered by having no safe foods.

I hate saying I have no food, I've had no food before.

I have mayonnaise and nearly expired deli meat. I have a can of beans, some ramen and some soup that I hate that got mixed into an old grocery pick up order that I was scared to throw away or donate just in case. There are two frost bitten corn dogs left in the freezer. I have running city water to drink.

But still, I'm sobbing on the floor of my kitchen because even if I wasn't autistic, even if I could stomach a food that isn't my safe food right now, I'm still so scared.

What if I eat the last bite of food I have for a while and forget to cherish it? What if I waste it by throwing up because I'm so anxious? What if my husband needs it to have the energy to get to work?

I have 4 followers here, but the thousands of followers I have on other platforms don't seem to notice or care that I keep spiraling about this. They think the free wigs I get sent, the medicine I take, the makeup and clothes I wear...

It all makes it seem like I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. Really. The looming debt we acquired, the bad credit scores, to get to a mildly safe point in life... It all doesn't seem to occur to them.

But the truth is I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm fighting the urge to beg for donations because I don't know what other choices I have. But I hate needing help. I hate it so badly it causes me physical pain.

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I am exhausted, good heavens.

[liesmultixxx]

being the ugly friend is really humbling

[arendaes]

It's 5:30am, I can't sleep because I had a bad night last night and I need to vent.

Sometimes I wonder if not being more open about my offline life is to my detriment, because it never fails that I seem to attract people who see me as someone who's easy to walk all over. So many people I've known both online and off really like to treat me however they like, including being rude, condescending, and sometimes just downright cruelly, but the moment I have enough and draw a line in the sand they just want to wipe it away and tell me all about how I'm the one in the wrong.

I once had a friend who ignored my existence for six months and then got mad when I told her I wasn't coming to her son's birthday party. When I say "ignored my existence", I don't just mean unanswered texts; I mean I worked at a store in town and saw her in there multiple times. Every time I would wave and say hi while she was looking right at me and she would walk right by me as if I wasn't there. She knew I worked there too because we met working there. Literally we went from hanging out every day off we had together to that and still she got mad when I was hurt and just didn't want to come to a child's goddamned birthday party (when I have no kid of my own) because of it. The kid was only a year old so it wasn't like he knew who I was, either.

And online has been worse in a lot of ways. I made a friend a few years ago back when I first started getting involved in fandom. At the time I was resistant to the idea but now I realize I befriended him out of pity, because no one seemed to really want to be involved with him and he'd always been so nice to me. That was a mistake, because it turned out he was an alt-right chud who waited until he thought we were close enough and then started deliberately baiting me into arguments where he'd say horrible shit to me and make me upset and then fucking laugh He admitted it was fun for him to upset me. He stopped laughing when I finally stood up for myself and cut him out of my life, only to repeatedly ignore my requests for him to leave me alone. He would send me messages and like my posts, along with asking his friends to do the same and even writing a fic about one of my favorite characters where an unnamed OC treated said character poorly (all while said OC said things that were word for word things I said to him in out last conversation) and posting it where he knew I'd see it. Thankfully his conscience got the better of him with that last one and he took it down just a few days after posting, but the damage was done. He's the reason my ask box is closed most of the time and I have it set to where only followers can message me or comment on my posts. I think he's moved on - I hope he's moved on - but I live with this ever-present fear he hasn't and if I let my guard drop he'll start again.

And this is just two of the biggest incidents in a long line of family members saying I can't have boundaries with them because they're faaaamily and honest conversations with friends about how they've hurt me only to have them turn around and blame that hurt on myself. I'm just...so confused about what I can even do anymore. It feels like no matter what I do I just attract people who want to use and abuse my good nature. Hell, it's been so bad that I typed that and immediately thought "are you good-natured or do you just have an unnecessarily high opinion of yourself?" Which I know is the brain demon talking, but sometimes it's hard to drown it out, especially when this is all I've ever known.

[weezerlvr228]

hi fam !!

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

[zuzu-romeave]

man if we get canon alloromantic brad im gona. lose my mind

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[candyskiez]

It really sucks to be having more and more realizations about my trauma when it's like. The one thing I can't joke about or like subtly cry for help for in casual social situations. How do I tell a friend "hey me getting sexually assaulted really fucked me up and I think it is slowly eating me alive" without being weird

[loveguts]

i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives

[alchemiclee]

i know this has been said 473773474833 times by the kavetham/haikaveh shippers and probably even nonshippers, but i'll say it again. I finally finished the genshin summer event and did the little after quest in sumeru and.....every time kaveh is sneaking around trying not to be noticed coming out of alhaithams house it's just such a gay vibe. he's basically screaming "I can't be caught being gay in a homophobic society!" even if that's not what the game writers are *actually* saying. that's just how it comes off and they can't make it come off any other way. with hoyo's gay history, it makes me wonder if it's on purpose and all a cover-up to have a technically different reason for it so they can get away with it lmao but we will never know.

[pierregaslays]

:(